How Can Ivanka Be President When She Can't Even Send Emails Without Putting The Entire Nation At Risk?

Biggest scandal since Watergate!

Russia, if you're listening! we hope you can find Ivanka Trump's 33,000 missing emails, because how does she have that many emails? Does she sit down all day and just keep typing?

LOL, we are to make joke! Those are all things Donald Trump said about Hillary Clinton's emails! Our point in this post is not to act like we actually think somebody using private emails for a couple months while in government service is that big a deal, but simply to point out that all these hypocritical Trump Republican motherfuckers need to go fuck themselves with an AOL free trial floppy disk.

So yes, it's true. Ivanka Trump used a private account for a while last year, even though she was a senior official in the White House who has duties that we're almost 100% certain exist. We are sure that, just like Hillary's emails about yoga pants and "The Good Wife," Ivanka was simply using her private email address to order pizzas, and there was never anything in there involving massive conflicts of interest between her business and her government position. And it's probably not any sort of big deal how Ivanka's husband is BFFs with Mohammed Bone Saw of Saudi Arabia, who gives orders to have American permanent residents who work for the Washington Post bone-sawed to death, and then winks at the Trump administration because they know they can get away with anything with those fuckers. Surely MBS never sent Jared any cat .gifs on the private account, which Jared then forwarded to Ivanka, because seriously, look at this kitten, AWWWWW MR. PAWS?

Nah, no big deal, it's fine.

Ivanka Trump sent hundreds of emails last year to White House aides, Cabinet officials and her assistants using a personal account, many of them in violation of federal records rules, according to people familiar with a White House examination of her correspondence.

White House ethics officials learned of Trump's repeated use of personal email when reviewing emails gathered last fall by five Cabinet agencies to respond to a public records lawsuit. That review revealed that throughout much of 2017, she often discussed or relayed official White House business using a private email account with a domain that she shares with her husband, Jared Kushner.

They had their own domain?! Like you could email ivanka@dumbfuckinggrifter.com and she would get the email? This is ... basically the same thing Hillary Clinton did, minus the private server. (Factcheck: It was "ijkfamily.com." Also, we kind of have known about this for over a year now. ) Only difference we can see is that Ivanka and Jared have totally been skimming off the top and using their public positions for private gain, and probably also have committed other crimes we can't even think of this early in the morning. You think Ivanka "quit" her business? PFFFFFT YOU FOOL, IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

Notice the timestamp on this article:  

The grift has been going on THE WHOLE TIME. Wonder if she ever did her public-private grifting IN HER EMAILS, huh?

According to WaPo, "some advisers" to Trump are "alarmed" because this is just a really bad lewk , for Ivanka to be like "Oh I didn't know I was doing a #Bad," after her dad spent the entire campaign talking about Her Fucking Emails, and continues to spend all his Hitler rallies talking about Her Fucking Emails, while the barely sentient diabetic goats in the audience scream "LOCK HER UP!" Presumably Ivanka Trump has heard a thing or two about emailing #BestPractices in the past couple of years.

Also according to WaPo, "some aides" are worried because holy shit, she did a LOT OF EMAILS on this private domain, and Ivanka's reaction to these revelations is apparently like "What?"

These people needn't worry, or at least they need to get off the Trump cult sauce for a second and remember that Donald Trump's supporters don't actually care if Hillary Clinton is the world's greatest email monster, and will not suddenly have a light bulb happen in their brain come on when they realize Ivanka is doing the same damn thing. They are not those kinds of people, by which we mean the kinds of people who are physically able to process normal brain thoughts.

Peter Mirjanian, spokesperson for Abbe Lowell, who is not only Ivanka's personal lawyer but also Jared Kushner's lawyer for the Mueller probe, says don't worry about this a bit, because she didn't send any classified state secrets on her private account. We are sure that is totally true and she only used it for "logistics and scheduling concerning their family," as their statement says. We are also very confident that if any of Jared Kushner's Russian emails accidentally got sent on their private domain -- because again, we have known about the ivanka@jaredsbuttdimples.com domain for quite a while now, and we're not sure why everybody is treating this story like THE FUCK YOU SAY? -- they definitely never got CCed to Ivanka, because that would simply be improper. 

And again, she DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS DOING A BAD. Because apparently, like father like daughter, she is a fucking idiot.

Or maybe, like Melania, Ivanka just REALLY DOESN'T CARE, DO U?, because these people do not give a fuck what you think.

Or they're just lying.

Anyway, BUT HER EMAILS, the end.

[ Washington Post ]

 Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!  

 HI. IT IS THANKSGIVING. WE WOULD LIKE TO PAY OUR WRITERS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR US, MAYBE SOME MONEY?