Happy Halloween, It's A Rudy Giuliani Spooktacular!
Happy Halloween, It's A Rudy Giuliani Spooktacular!
To terrorize y'all's whole neighborhood.
Refreshing as gargling with Scotch and Acqua Di Giò, here are the past five days’ adventures of everyone’s favorite ghoul, Rudy Giuliani! He’s been having quite a time being haunted by his own personal demons: scorching racism, liquidating assets, slobbering, horny misogyny, and his inability to shut his entitled, raging piehole. Imagine that!
Our story begins Sunday, when America’s disbarred, twice-indicted mayor showed up to Donald Trump’s Madison Square Garden haunt-fest, claiming that Palestinians “are taught to kill us at two years old [...] And [Kamala] Harris wants to bring them to you.” That got him condemnation from the Arab Americans for Trump, who called Giuliani an “unhinged lunatic,” and also the displeasure of Tiffany Trump’s Lebanese-American father-in-law, Massad Boulos, who was apparently in a coma during the whole “Muslim ban” era of the Trump presidency and has been busy trying to convince Arab Americans in Michigan to vote for the guy who has openly mused about shutting down mosques. Boulos insisted Rudy’s comments “do not represent Trump.” Hyuk!
Rudy also took the occasion to wax nostalgic about “oh, the good old days, when I used to be able to sit at Yankee stadium with Donald Trump!” and called Trump “very charitable,” which is hilarious because Trump and the RNC stiffed Rudy $2 million for all of the hard work he did trying to steal the 2020 election for them. And Trump still is apparently making the 80-year-old work for free. Though as of last week, Trump officially owes Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss that $2 million instead, as part of all the other assets Rudy has finally been ordered to fork over to them.
Related to his dwindling fortunes, Monday, Giuliani’s lawyers were back in court, busy being unsure if his condo on Cocoanut Row in Palm Beach is his primary residence, or a vacation home. You’d think his lawyers would know the answer to that by now, but Rudy has only spent 37 percent of his time at his condo over the past six months, and hasn’t given his lawyers a date that he wants to claim he made the condo his primary residence. “Let me lay down a marker on the way humans live their lives,” Roodles’s lawyer told the judge. “Momentous decisions like that get made over time.”
Momentous indeed, deciding if you should primarily live in a expensive Florida condo, or shacked up with your married alleged girlfriend in New Hampshire, or swanning around hotels, instead. It makes us perspire to consider it.
Then there’s the racism!
While his lawyers pondered the vicissitudes of his domestic life, Roodles found time to tape his own nutty YouTube show, where the only ads are for MyPillow and Rudy Coffee. He also went on the Rumble show “Flyover Conservatives,” where he had a full dumpster of outrageous lies about Haitians.
RUDY GIULIANI: So, remember when JD Vance pointed out that the Haitians were eating animals in Springfield —
STACEY WHITED (CO-HOST): Yep.
DAVID WHITED (CO-HOST): Yeah.
GIULIANI: — Springfield, Ohio? So that's based on reports to that effect. Now it may not be true. It may be exaggerated. It may be insane. It may be whatever. But here's what it accomplished. It brought attention to Springfield, which is overwhelmed with traffic accidents, including a 70-year-old woman who died at Christmas and a 4-year-old kid who died on a bus.
Because the Haitians are allowed to drive and they don't know how to. They're given a letter that they don't have to have a driver's license. Now for the life of me, I can't figure out how [DHS Secretary Alejandro] Mayorkas can figure out whether you can drive or not. And they're killing people, and the governor, who is hardly a supporter of Trump, and does everything he can to contradict, had to send the national guard there because the thing was like bumper cars.
Kathy Heaton, 71, was killed December 1, 2023, when she was on a dark road in the rain, before 6 a.m., and the police report cited “improper crossing” as the cause of crash. The driver was not charged. There are no letters that substitute for drivers’ licenses, and Mayorkas does not give out drivers’ licenses. And an 11-year-old boy, not a four-year-old, was killed in an accident with a bus. And that is tragic. But in 2023 Springfield actually had its lowest accident rate in five years, and police say the leading cause of accidents is “mature” drivers. And the National Guard was not sent to Springfield because of its bad drivers!
Rudy went on:
“They practice voodoo. And when they practice voodoo, they kill domestic animals. I mean, half of them do. That’s just it. It’s not their fault. They lived back 200 years ago. They just shouldn’t have been taken out of the jungle and placed in the middle of a small-town America. That’s ridiculous. Or big-town America for that matter.”
So many lies! Rudy’s racism is so inventive and old-school, it’s like a 1930s Disney cartoon. There have been no reports of animal sacrifice in Springfield. Haitian immigrants are not 200 years old. They were not “placed” in Springfield or anywhere, immigrants are allowed to settle where they want. Haiti is not a big jungle, it is 33 percent forested, which makes it one percent less forested than the US. Just one loony whopper after another!
Then there’s the sex abuse lawsuit!
And then there was a BONKERS hearing on Wednesday for one of the other lawsuits against Rudy. Time to switch tracks from rabid-racist Rudy to slobbering-pervert Rudy, and the $10 million sexual abuse and employment complaint filed in May of 2023 in New York state court by his former assistant Noelle Dunphy. Lordy, you remember this one, involving his sexual fantasies about Margaret Thatcher and Hillary Clinton, demanding sex from Dunphy, him jerking off under a sheet, saying revolting things to her, making her work naked or in short-shorts with an American flag print at the office, and so, so, so much more.
FLASHBACK!
Dunphy has alleged 22 counts, including battery, violations of New York labor laws, and sexual abuse under the Adult Survivors Act. And she has got tapes! Of the abuse, and Rudy saying all manner of racist and antisemitic and otherwise bigoted things, like that Mike Bloomberg and Matt Damon are gay. And about Rudy allegedly trying to sell Trump’s pardons while he was in the White House, too.
So Wednesday’s remote evidentiary hearing went off the rails.
Rudy wanted the hearing, to ask the judge to please not let Dunphy bring in that stuff about him allegedly selling pardons, or anything about him dropping his pants in the Borat sequel, or let her talk about his many alleged extramarital affairs.
But instead of asking nicely, old Roodles hit the roof, ranting personal attacks at Dunphy, calling her a “a professional plaintiff in court to extort men,” and raging that it “should be dismissed based on injustice,” to the point the harried New York Supreme Court Justice Nicholas Moyne finally muted him.
“These are not legal arguments that you’re making right now,” said the judge. “These are personal attacks, and this is not the time for that, okay? I’m not going to allow it, I’m sorry. I tried to treat you with respect and with deference, but you have to follow my rules.” Eventually Judge Moyne had to mute Rudy, who continued to scream at the camera, muted. Just what you wanna do when you’re trying to convince everybody you aren’t an abusive fucking lunatic!
Eventually Judge Moyne agreed with his request to strike some parts of Dunphy’s complaint from the record, including references to Giuliani’s appearance in the Borat sequel, allegations about Giuliani’s extramarital affairs and his attempts to sell pardons from Trump.
Such an exciting life he lives! Most 80-year-olds want to just go to lunch with friends and play golf and stuff, but America’s Mayor™ is just out here living for the drama. Hope you don’t find him under your bed tonight!
[TRT World / Washington Post archive link/ CW Columbus / CNN / Rumble / Noelle Dunphy complaint / New York Magazine]
Ta, Marcie. I'll never forgive him.
"Haitian immigrants are not 200 years old." Well the voodoo zombie ones are, obviously.