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Well, here we are. Donald Trump, President of America, is addressing Congress, as the President.

Of America.

There has been “news” today about how maybe he will soften on immigration, and then it turned out he was being John Barron again his own “senior administration official” — yes, after allllll that bitching about how the media shouldn’t be able to use unnamed sources, yes, correct — and honestly I can’t even work up a head of steam about this evil fucker or his latest incredibly stupid hijinks.

Also, there are reportedly going to be some very bad lines in it about Vision Boards or something, what is it, here it is, REAL QUOTE — “we just need the courage to share the dreams that fill our hearts,” you know, if the dream that fills your heart is about getting rid of all the Muslims.

So, cool, we are READY for ACTION by which I mean honey come over here and bring mama a drink. Please. Love you. Ugh. LET’S LIVEBLOG!

8:53 PM. My eyeballs kind of hurt. Did Donald Trump just give me my FIRST EVER MIGRAINE before he’s even in the room??? Gonna go with “FUCK THAT GUY.”

Here we go. Trump was reportedly working on the speech till the very last minute — all by himself, I am sure! — and he is sounding out the words in the car.

Oh right sorry, here’s a livestream duh.

9:10 PM. You know who is thrilled to be there? Melon Trump.

And Trump begins with a reminder of Black History Month and Work Still to Be Done — and whooooooah he brings up threats to Jews AND the shooting of the two Indian dudes in Kansas a week ago? In his very first sentence? After a week of people asking why the president couldn’t be assed to even tweet about any of it? Well, now all pundits will say he pivoted and it is all good to love him now and nobody ever criticize him ever again, HOORAY!

9:15 PM. Trump is casting himself as Luke Skywalker leading a “quiet rebellion.” I am honestly unclear whether he is talking about a rebellion against Muslims and Messicans or against Democrats. Probably both!

Here, let’s puzzle it out together:

The rebellion started as a quiet protest, spoken by families of all colors and creeds -– families who just wanted a fair shot for their children, and a fair hearing for their concerns.

But then the quiet voices became a loud chorus ― as thousands of citizens now spoke out together, from cities small and large, all across our country.

Finally, the chorus became an earthquake – and the people turned out by the tens of millions, and they were all united by one very simple, but crucial demand, that America must put its own citizens first … because only then, can we truly MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

I don’t know, do you guys know? No, nobody knows. It is UNKNOWABLE and INEFFABLE and a CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER. Like GOD.

9:20 PM. Donald Trump brags about all the jobs he’s already saved — billions probably — and the Dakota Pipeline, which will be made with American steel, unlike Trump Tower. He will kill all the terrible regulations, like “clean water” and “don’t grab pussies.”

THANKS TRUMP!

9:25 PM. Donald Trump wants you to know there will not be any “beachheads of terrorism” in the United States. He is less concerned with the more than one percent of Americans who will die by gun each year.

9:30 PM. “Finally, I have kept my promise to appoint a Justice to the United States Supreme Court ― from my The Federalist Society’s list of 20 judges ― who will defend our Constitution.” Fixed that for you, Mr. President!

9:35 PM. OOOH OOOH MR. KOTTER! Donald Trump has STATISTICS!

“Ninety-four million Americans are out of the labor force.” You guys, I just looked it up on Wikipedia, Fount of All Knowledge, for you, and there are 46.2 million Americans over 65, as of 2014 (last year available), and almost 80 million children under 18. So there are basically NEGATIVE UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE.

THANKS OBAMA!

9:40 PM. After a whole bunch of bullshit that is not how anything works, we get this:

“This effort will be guided by two core principles: Buy American, and Hire American.” You just asked for more foreign visas for your fucking winery, dude. AGAIN.

9:41 PM. “Obamacare is collapsing, and we must act decisively to protect all Americans.” You know who has no plan for “replacing” Obamacare? Any Republican. Really! Not anyone at all! But “tax credits and health savings accounts,” and don’t forget “the line around the states,” dude, and we’ll all be fucking ROLLING in primary care visits!

9:50 PM. Here’s a quote!

Education is the civil rights issue of our time.

I am calling upon Members of both parties to pass an education bill that funds school choice for disadvantaged youth, including millions of African-American and Latino children. These families should be free to choose the public, private, charter, magnet, religious or home school that is right for them.

Education is indeed A civil rights issue of our time! (We’d wager the MAIN civil rights issue of our time is “Black people: Please stop shooting them.”) And Frederick Douglass is doing just tremendous work on it. But did you get the part about families being free to choose the “home school” that is right for them? Yeah, Steve King’s got an awesome bill to take money away from public schools and give it to the Duggars instead. FUN!

9:55 PM. Now we are on “Mexicans, stop murdering us!” Jamiel Shaw, who went to school with my son before he was shot and killed by gang members, is the late poster boy for this. His dad is there. He has been VERY ANGRY about this for years, as anyone would be. (Except that immigrants are less violent than real Americans.) And that is why Mexicans should not be allowed in the country, and something about how we should stop being so MEAN to police when they kill black people.

10:00 PM. And we get to the clusterfuck Yemen raid, and how Ryan Owens DEFINITELY did not die in vain, and if he did, it was Obama’s generals’ fault, because the length of time people clapped for him just now was a record. This is missing only a mention of his electoral college win.

10:06 PM. Okay, WHAT THE FUCK IS HE ON ABOUT???

On our 100th anniversary, in 1876, citizens from across our Nation came to Philadelphia to celebrate America’s centennial. At that celebration, the country’s builders and artists and inventors showed off their creations.

Alexander Graham Bell displayed his telephone for the first time.

Remington unveiled the first typewriter. An early attempt was made at electric light.

Thomas Edison showed an automatic telegraph and an electric pen.

Imagine the wonders our country could know in America’s 250th year.

Think of the marvels we can achieve if we simply set free the dreams of our people.

Cures to illnesses that have always plagued us are not too much to hope.

American footprints on distant worlds are not too big a dream.

Millions lifted from welfare to work is not too much to expect.

And streets where mothers are safe from fear ― schools where children learn in peace ― and jobs where Americans prosper and grow ― are not too much to ask.

When we have all of this, we will have made America greater than ever before. For all Americans.

American greatness — and moms on welfare are the greatest impediment? What a fucking dick.

I am sorely lacking in jokes tonight. Let’s let George Takei write one for us!

Yeah, that’s about it!

And here’s the end — the poesy! the soaring flights to the aeries of BLORF!

The time for small thinking is over. The time for trivial fights is behind us.

We just need the courage to share the dreams that fill our hearts.

The bravery to express the hopes that stir our souls.

And the confidence to turn those hopes and dreams to action.

From now on, America will be empowered by our aspirations, not burdened by our fears –-

inspired by the future, not bound by the failures of the past –-

and guided by our vision, not blinded by our doubts.

I am asking all citizens to embrace this Renewal of the American Spirit. I am asking all members of Congress to join me in dreaming big, and bold and daring things for our country. And I am asking everyone watching tonight to seize this moment and ―

Believe in yourselves.

Believe in your future.

And believe, once more, in America.

On C-Span, one man gladhanding with him just told Trump he “knocked it out of the park” and another called it “Reaganesque,” and then someone said “how’d you do in golf against the Japanese?” and oh lord, this is our life now. BABY WE GOT EACH OTHER!

OH NO I JUST MADE IT EVEN WORSE!

If I were you, I’d cancel your donations, FOR EVER.

THE END.

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