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Cum rocket wants to do WHAT now?

Know how Utah swamp smegma goblin Rep. Jason Chaffetz had a town hall where over a thousand of his constituents yelled at him about doing his fucking job and holding Donald Trump accountable? Yeah well, he was pretty sure those people were all paid a million ameros by George Soros to yell at him, because who in their right mind would be mad at a gorgeous man such as he? (Like, literally his face is as punchable as Ted Cruz’s.)

Also remember how on the day Steve Bannon was inaugurated president, Chaffetz shook Hillary Clinton’s hand and then Insta-gasmed that “the investigation continues,” because he’s a smegma goblin whose parents obviously failed to teach him manners and how to be a decent person?

Well, Chaffetz heard his constituents LOUD AND CLEAR, and decided to fucking ignore them, because he’s a pus-filled scab on the prolapsed anus of humanity (gross, Wonkette!), and now he wants charges filed against the dude who helped Hillary set up her private email server. Yes, Chaffetz is literally so stupid that when he sees those “BUT HER EMAILS!” memes on the intertubes, he’s like “Yes, that’s right. Her emails!” Christ, what an asshole, and oh, for fuck’s sake:

The Republican chairman of the House Oversight Committee, who has refused Democratic requests to investigate possible conflicts of interest involving President Donald Trump, is seeking criminal charges against a former State Department employee who helped set up Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz of Utah sent a letter to Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Thursday asking him to convene a grand jury or charge Bryan Pagliano, the computer specialist who helped establish Clinton’s server while she was secretary of state.

Sounds super important. LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!

Hey, Elijah Cummings, charming badass ranking Democrat on the House Oversight Committee, what have you to say about this?

“Apparently, Chairman Chaffetz and President Trump are the only two people in Washington today who think we should still be investigating Secretary Clinton,” Cumming said in a statement. He added: “The Oversight Committee can’t afford to be distracted by political vendettas against Hillary Clinton while our constituents are begging us to conduct responsible oversight of President Trump.”

LITERALLY BEGGING. Because all the Trump stuff is obvious and in front of everybody’s faces. Russia, his conflicts of interest, his emoluments, Steve Bannon, his inhumanly small hands — it’s all right there, saying, “Hi, I am literally putting our republic in danger, so can you FUCKING STOP OBSESSING OVER THE LADY WHO MAKES ALL YOUR TINY REPUBLICAN DICKS SHRIVEL UP?”

But nah. Hey, did we ever figure out what happened that night in Benghazi? Couldn’t hurt to have twelve more investigations, you know, just to make human bowel movement Jason Chaffetz feel like his sad, pathetic life has purpose.

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[AP]

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  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Lara

      That picture is especially flattering, when compared to the real Chaffetz.

      • onedollarjuana

        Looks a bit like Bush lap-dog Blair.

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  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The Republican chairman of the House Oversight Committee, who has refused Democratic requests to investigate possible conflicts of interest involving President Donald Trump, is seeking criminal charges against a former State Department employee who helped set up Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

    Obvious distraction technique is obvious…

    https://www.askideas.com/media/41/I-Dont-Always-Get-Distracted-Hey-Look-A-Squirrel-Funny-Meme-Picture.jpg

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      “I love chasing squirrels. Not all Democrats are squirrels – but all squirrels are Democrats. Hillary Clinton is a Democrat, and a squirrel. I love chasing Hillary Clinton.”

  • elviouslyqueer

    Lord, I am ordinarily not much of a praying man, but if you could see fit to ensure that ChappedAss dies in a fire (metaphorically or otherwise), I would be perfectly okay with that. Thy will be done, etc., and also too.

    • goonemeritus

      I would cover your bases and make an appropriate sacrifice to Vishnu.

      • Crystalclear12

        And Vulcan.

  • Hobbes’ Evil Twin

    They’ll also be locking up the IT people who set up email for Colin Powell & Susan Rice, right?

    oh FFS

  • Ωbjectifier

    First they came for the IT guys.
    And I did nothing, ’cause I just needed to turn it off and tun it on again.

  • Jgb979

    Is he gonna charge the guy who set up Trump’s private email server?

    • suziq

      No. Totally different.

  • dslindc

    Reminder: Jason Chaffetz (R-Fame Whore) literally cares only about himself and the attention he can get by being a fucking huge asshole.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s an apparatchik. That’s all he ever will be. Just another mediocrity guarding the perimeter of the KZ.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Evan, someone has to say this:

    Smegma libelz!

    • Michael R

      Atttention : this drag name has not been taken yet !

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Nor has Miranda Reitz. Though for my part, I’m really more of an All-Beef Patty.

      • eggsacklywright

        Albee Bach.

  • elviouslyqueer

    You have ONE JOB in 2018, Utah voters.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Specifically, 3rd congressional district of Utah voters.

      You know what you must do.

    • Clyde Barrow

      Allow alcohol sales on Sundays?

      • dslindc

        This will literally never happen.

        • Clyde Barrow

          Mormon holy water just doesn’t have enough kick. Perhaps this is why Utah leads the nation in consumption of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications.

          • dslindc

            Especially in Jason’s district!

          • Ωbjectifier

            I have some friends in Moab. Whenever I go to visit they say ‘bring Arizona beer.’

          • Clyde Barrow

            Higher alcohol %, as I believe Utah is only 2.3%

            That’s why the boys in the film ‘SLC Punk’ went to Wyoming for their beer.

          • elviouslyqueer

            On tap is 4%. Which makes even Mississippi liquor laws look progressive.

          • msanthropesmr

            And porn, also too.

    • dslindc

      Well . . . not returning Orrin Hatch to the Senate is also desirable.

    • JohnBull

      Building a wall around the state and flooding it? Nah, too harsh.

      • Lark_in_the_AM

        Only around the SLC environs, plz. The city has a bunch of liberals (gasp!) in it, and I’m kinda partial to Zion, Bryce, Arches, and Canyonlands National Parks.

        • I first read your 4th NP as “Carry On Lands” to which the only response is “Oooooh, Matron!”

        • PTSILS

          And the Utah Shakespeare Festival in Cedar City. National treasure.

  • mary5920

    Read on MMFA that the FBI has granted this guy immunity after he refused to testify before the Chaffetz inquisition committee. This is just pandering and deflecting.

  • Clyde Barrow

    Dear Conservatives: Until you stop putting ideology over country, petty grievances over governing, and partisan bickering over normal conversation….you are literally culpable for the purposeful dismantling and destruction of our nation.

    Of course you’ll do nothing, as cowards do.

  • boyblue122

    What if there was a real crisis in America like an Ebola outbreak or something. Im guessing these clowns would still be investigating Hillary’s emails

    • Michael R
      • boyblue122

        of course…he’s a loon…more border chaos

        • Michael R

          Next up : Trump Ebola Wall

      • NastyBossetti

        People must suffer consequences for… going somewhere to help? Why are there consequences to helping other people?

        • Michael R

          Trump has NO IDEA what helping other people is .

        • suziq

          There are consequences for everything!
          To the people that go to furrin lands to help with the ebolas and such-THANK YOU, you are very good people.

          • Lara

            There are consequences for everything (except if you’re Republican)! ftfy

        • boyblue122

          Because he has the IQ of a peanut

    • Lara

      I fear a terror attack, which these morons are practically slobbering over and inviting to happen. Then it’s a few easy steps to Patriot Act II: Electric Boogaloo, then martial law, then “we can’t have elections while there is this much danger happening”, then it’s over.

  • Crystalclear12

    Really?!
    Maybe some of you GOP house assholes need to look up what happened to the pricks that supported Nixon to the bitter end.

    spoiler alert: not well.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Roger Stone is still grifting right along.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Stone was one of the other guys questioned by the FBI for contact with Russia. This guy is a professional con-man.

        • cmd resistor

          Do we know who they all are now? I figured he was probably one of them. Never bought that “leaving the campaign job but still support him and am best buds” crap. And don’t he and Manafort go way back?

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            Last I saw, it was Flynn, Stone & Carter Page. Looks like Manafort’s ties to Stone go back to Manafort Sr. so that’s interesting…

          • cmd resistor

            Those are who I would have thought. There is a creepy pic from the 80’s of Manafort, Stone and Lee Atwater that pops up now and again. I didn’tknow that about Manafort, Sr., though.

      • Crystalclear12

        He ended up working for Trump! Which I understand is a shit sandwich.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    This poor IT guy…he was just doing his job! May I suggest that the “smegma goblin” do his fucking job & follow through on Russia’s ties to the White House? Fuck this “party over country” BS.

    • Lara

      That upsets me most in this: some innocent guy will probably go to jail until we can (hopefully) elect a decent human who can pardon him. Some guy who just did his job will be a scapegoat because Chaffetz is literally obsessed.

  • Crank Tango
    • Hutch

      With that nose orientation, what does Chaffetz do when it rains? I mean, he could drown. It’s like “looking down the end of a double-barrel shotgun!”

      H/T -Tobacco Road

      • therblig

        had a boss at at&t with a snout like that – we called him “pig tunnels”.

        oh, maturity. where art thou?

        • Hutch

          LOL!

      • eggsacklywright

        Looks like those old BMW grilles.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Fuck this guy. I hope an angry badger eats off his nose with votes.

    • Crank Tango

      Too soon! Too late!

  • Crank Tango
  • Jenny

    Fuck this motherfucking low life piece of shit!

  • Mavenmaven

    Human bowel movement is far too favorable a term for this individual currently aiding and abetting flat out treason.

  • goonemeritus

    I wonder if he will be able to get this done before Russia declares us a protectorate and rewrites the laws on this issue.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Can we just get him a prop camera and a fake hearing room, then quietly lock the doors after sending him in?

    • Lara

      Get him a cardboard standee of Hillary Clinton and a mirror; he’d probably never come out!

      • Lara

        P.S. The mirror is for staring at his handsome (allegedly) face and telling himself what a good Big Boy job he is doing.

    • C4TWOMAN

      Some peeps managing forums do this with a certain type of persistent troll. They make an area accessible to the troll, but restrict everything else, and they post to their hearts content. I’m not sure how it works, must be in combination with an IP restriction, but they get bored and go away after a couple of weeks, where otherwise they’d keep trying to come back. Genius.

  • Shakenbake

    I just can’t shake the idea that someone like Hillary Clinton really does make these guys’ peepees soft. Being in education, I’m around strong women a lot so I don’t really notice it but if you’re enough of a throwback, I guess having a woman be the boss of you can really put your dobber in the dirt.

    • cheetojeebus

      “dobber in the dirt”. lol.

  • stankbait

    Fast rising on the ‘Most Punchy Faced” list is:

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Chaffetz is a rising young star on the Backpfeifengesicht scene.”

  • cheetojeebus

    [Long loud repetitive expletive stream punctuated by the loud crash of shit being broken.]

  • exinkwretch

    Maybe the investigation will discover Hillary’s server was connecting to a Russian bank and then she’ll finally be off the hook!

  • Well, Chafed Tits should charge Yahoo for hosting Colin Powell’s e-mail account because Yahoo was hacked, Hillary’s server wasn’t

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Or maybe gmail for hosting his.

    • Lara

      Or maybe Conway and Spicer and all of the Trump staff who were (still are?) using a private RNC server instead of the government one that’s supposed to archive your emails?

  • Carpe Vagenda

    The really pitiful thing is that Jason Chaffetz is totally make the world pay for the fact that Kitty Dukakis couldn’t get him into a good school.

  • Chadwells

    Prolapsed anus liblz.

  • Martini Ambassador

    Dear voters in Utah, maybe you should remember this fuckery the next time at the polls? K thx bai.

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.
      — Voters in Utah, probs.

  • boyblue122

    OT – Looks like Teen Vogue has made a name for themselves. They got the NRA’s attention

    https://twitter.com/pbump/status/832665260796604416

    • Jenny

      Lol what this teenage fashion magazine doesn’t want you to know about guns will shock you!

      Guns are always fashionable teenagers. Always!

      • elviouslyqueer

        It’s NRA’s one weird trick!

        • h4rr4r

          Now that will get rid of crepey skin!

    • Persistent Demme

      Ha, ha, ha!

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Why am I not surprised that the NRA tweet has a typo? (“Guns Rights”). More ammo in the clip than in the skull, eh Wayne?

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Guns have rights. The rest of us don’t. It’s not a typo.

    • suziq

      Why does a gun have more rights than I do?

      • Scrofula

        Cause ‘Murica.

    • NastyBossetti

      Hahaha. This is the world we live in now!

    • PDT

      the article is actually pretty…interesting?

      It’s short, obviously, not a lot of rational thought going on,

      after all the usual “people who argue against me have never shot guns before so they can’t have opinions yada yada yada” it basically just says that her dad was a cop and both parents packed heat and that’s why they were able to come home from dinner every day and sometimes she had to walk around her campus after 10 PM without her gun and that terrified her,

      Honestly, it kinda makes me feel bad for her, all I read in it is that her parents terrified her constantly throughout her childhood and now she seems to have some sort of legitimate paranoia psychosis or something, not a shrink but what she’s describing doesn’t seem normal or healthy.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        I read it as xtian magical thinking being projected onto guns. “Faith” in the power of handguns to deliver one from evil.

    • DahBoner

      Hahaha. The NRA fights teenagers

  • Bill D. Burger
  • DahBoner

    He looks like a monkey…
    https://i.imgflip.com/1julj2.jpg

    • wide_stance_hubby

      That explains how he picks his nose with his toes.

  • cats530

    Well no wonder he’s a smegma face, he’s been fellating ALEC (‘Murikkkan Legislative Exchange Council) dick all this time.

  • Persistent Demme

    Looks like “The T***p Distractor Force” is working overtime.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    CHARGE HIM WITH WHAT??????

    • Oblios_Cap

      Knowing the popular vote winner?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Aiding a vagina.

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      Making Jason Chaffetz look like a fool.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, Jason should be charged with that, first.

    • Vincent Ricola

      His job.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    I haven’t received a dime from Soros..I’d rather know who’s paying Chaffetz to continue beating this poor dead horse.

    • Vincent Ricola

      AOTK?

    • JohnQFugly

      When you see your relevance rapidly fading, and you’re getting zero actual good ideas about how to restore it (because literally zero people give a crap about you anymore), and you only have your “but her emails” legacy to fall back on…

    • Patrons at Love’s Travel Stop I70 Salina Utah

  • Greyhame

    Oh hey, the intelligence community says Trump’s campaign staff were regularly in contact with shady Russian characters throughout the election. So obviously we need to find out what Hillary Clinton’s IT guy knew, and when did he know it!

  • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

    Isn’t this stupid? It’s not even politically smart. It might throw some chum to the base, but it just draws attention to the fact that Lord Dampnut and his crew are using an insecure phone and private email servers.

    • msanthropesmr

      “isn’t this stupid?”. Slogan of the GOP

      • Résistance Land Shark

        Is that before or after they say, “Hold mah beer?”

    • Scrofula

      And insecure wait staff.

  • cats530

    Well, Chaffetz heard his constituents LOUD AND CLEAR, and decided to
    fucking ignore them, because he’s a pus-filled scab on the prolapsed
    anus of humanity (gross, Wonkette!),”

    Well there’s that, but the main reason he ignores his constituents is because he’s writhing in indecision over whether to suck Charles’ or David’s (Koch) wee willy winkie first.

  • Zippy W Pinhead
    • Marceline

      Seriously.

  • Scrofula

    Dammit Evan, don’t label that a “cum rocket”; I won’t be able to touch myself for a week now.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Cruz says he’s a dribbler anyway.

  • ariel_gee_398

    At this point, it would be irresponsible not to speculate that Russia also has a pee hooker tape involving Chaffetz.

    • Truck stop rest room – with him on the … receiving end, so to speak

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Breaker-breaker one-nine, this is Snowball… come back…

        • Oblios_Cap

          he’s got a wide stance, that’s fer sure.

  • george gonzalez

    As an IT guy, you’d think they would give that guy a medal, as nobody found any hacking into Hillary’s emails, but there was plenty of documented intrusions into the State Department email. I guess we’re in a post-logic era.

    • Scrofula

      Out of all of this, past and present, Hillary had the MOST secure operation.

    • sosuume

      No need for guessing.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Smegma goblin gobbles smegma

  • Oblios_Cap

    Calling him smegma-faced is really an insult to smegma.

  • Résistance Land Shark
    • mancityRed6

      he already looks like he’s soaking in it

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        And had gotten shriveled.

  • Shibusa

    And, Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Stephen Bannon andJared Kushner all RNC (rnchq.org ) email accounts, according to Newsweek. And that is NOT under the government’s purview. (Reported in January.)

    • Nounverb911

      IOKIYAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • snark-lurker

        well if you can grab pussy whenever you want to and always get away with it, Why not?

  • Suttree

    This is going to sound like shit, so please don’t throw rotten fruit at me. Fresh fruit is fine. Fucking democrats for the past 8 years trying to work with republicans was the worst codependent drug addled bullshit that I ever saw in my life. Fucking any Dem that works with republicans right now should be primaried. I am sick of this shit! No fucking wonder you lost voters you spineless fucking wimps. I don’t care if we don’t have the votes to change anything right now. Some of us remember how you vote! Stand the fuck up!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      Don’t worry dear. All of us indivisibles are thinking this as we tell our Dem representatives: We’re here to support you but this is what we want. If they don’t support us it’s time for PlanB

    • Lance Thrustwell

      It’s party-line resistance now (agreed, way too late). Only Manchin and a couple of other DINOs in the way. Now we just need a few more. Come on 2018!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Alas, I’m in a state where I can’t do shit about this. All my congresscritters are righteous Dems.

      • snark-lurker

        still, let them know you are behind their resistance

      • Suttree

        I feel you. Both of my senators and my rep are dems. I have still called all of them though to tell them to vote against confirmations. Booker and Menendez are doing ok. BTW, if you don’t have this bookmarked already. It’s an easy tool to berate your congresscritter with. :) https://projects.fivethirtyeight.com/congress-trump-score/

  • Persistent Demme

    C’mon, clever Wonkers!
    Let’s “Santorum” this guy!

    To Chaffetz means_______.
    A Chaffetz is______.

    • Suttree

      A scab on a prolapsed anus.

      • Hutch

        I didn’t know an anus could prolapse. DON’T GOOGLE IT!

        • NastyBossetti

          Related: do not google “rosebudding.”

          • Teecha

            *shudders*

          • BearDeLaOursistance

            I know! Throwing a perfectly good sled into the fire? Monsters! I bet they even ate a bunch of canned clams when they were done!

          • NastyBossetti

            I am sorry to report that no, that is not what it is all about.

        • Suttree

          I have had unfortunate porn viewing experiences.

          • Hasn’t everyone (except me, of course)
            walks away whistling innocently

        • Alan

          I saw a uterus prolapse once. Horrifying.

          • Hutch

            I saw it happen to a hen once. That was horrifying enough. The chicken dinner was nice though.

          • Ducksworthy

            Coincidentally, this is fairly common (normal even) in gibbons.

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          Years ago, I was on a legal document review regarding products designed to treat various prolapses. I drink heavily to this day.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Smegma?

      must credit Evan

      • Rick Hill

        Maybe an infection resulting from crusted over smegma. With the crusted smegma still there

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Scrotal area chafing and itching.

      • snark-lurker

        oh no that could be me sumtimes

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          Better have someone look at that Chaffetz, sooner rather than later.

          • snark-lurker

            it is only when i wear pants

    • Carpe Vagenda

      an act of nonconsensual water sports.

    • Me The People

      A Chaffetz is an infestation of aids infected genital lice.

    • Rick Hill

      anus tattoo?

    • Crank Tango

      Ass chafing!

    • Me The People

      To Chaffetz means to choke to death on your own smegma.

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Auto asphyxiation. Because it’s hard to say so a new, easier to say word, that means the same thing would be nice. Plus, it’s kind of what the Rethuglicans are doing right now.

      • theCryptofishist

        Surely, Pruit is your auto asphyxiation.

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          Although I would like to wrap some votes around Chaffetz until he quits wiggling.

    • Ducksworthy

      You get a Chaffetz when there’s insufficient lubricant in your santorum.

    • Apple Scruff

      Maybe we should all pose the question to Dan Savage, He is good at this.

      • Persistent Demme

        What a great thought!
        Any idea on how to do this?

        • Apple Scruff

          Twitter!

          • Persistent Demme

            Dammit, cause I don’t twit!
            Is there a Wonker that can send a twitter message to Savage?

      • theCryptofishist

        Didn’t he give up on this tactic. Something about not wanting sex ruined by using all those republican names, there by thinking of them in intimate moments?
        Am I the only one who thanks him for “It gets better” and feel that that made a huger contribution?

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    On the topic of punchable faces. Wow. I hadn’t seen a picture until now.
    https://twitter.com/POTUS/status/832668984537468928

    • Résistance Land Shark

      How long before he has to resign? What odds are the bookies giving?

      • Crystalclear12

        With that face I’m guessing sex scandal.

        • Alan

          Sex with what?

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            a llama?

          • Alan

            Sounds plausible.

          • snark-lurker

            a nightcrawler hole in the ground

          • Crystalclear12

            That is the question, isn’t it?

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            Exactly!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            A dwarf lobbyist from Massey Energy?

    • Alan

      Haha. Of course that’s him.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Because we couldn’t wait until Monday to look through the trove of emails to fossil fuel companies that the judge just ordered released

      • cmd resistor

        He needs to get to work. That clean water won’t pollute itself.

    • Love the fact that photo give Pruit a blue rinse and a ponytail

    • exinkwretch

      I really don’t care for getting shit on my knuckles.

    • theCryptofishist

      There’s a sort GWB cast to his features.

  • Rick Hill

    Why, oh why do you liberals insist upon something so reedickless as having republicans investigate other republicans? It just boggles the mind that you are so one track and can’t think of anything else.
    https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/aqbLDxL_460s.jpg

  • Nounverb911

    “And we are going to start by subpoenaing Hillary Clinton”
    https://twitter.com/jasoninthehouse/status/832658601483186177

    • Nounverb911
      • Nounverb911
        • cmd resistor

          Remember, he was also, too, the one who leaked Comey’s stupid letter addressed to his committee and members.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Leaks ON him? I’m betting he’s a leaker. In fact, I’d bet he’s actually one of the Russian pee hookers in the Ritz that night- it’s the only explanation for why he’s so afraid to investigate

    • Résistance Land Shark

      Investigate, then dismiss due to lack of evidence. Then the leaks start ….

    • Crank Tango

      Investigate the leakers, give immunity to the criminals.

      • cmd resistor

        Must have been a typo, then, taking the “leak” on Russian intel.

    • Teecha

      Is it taking the lead when you’re the person who was last to the party?

    • Ducksworthy

      Investigatin’ is easy when you already know the conclusion: Hillary did it in Benghazi.

    • theCryptofishist

      Didn’t they learn.

      No, of course not. Out wingnuts is not learning.

  • Greyhame

    I can understand why Chaffetz would be reluctant to look into pre-election meddling and collusion with questionable figures to improperly alter the outcome. He would have to investigate himself!

  • azeyote

    Chavettz gonna show the granny gang back in Utah that they may have gelded him but he still has his big boy gavel to play with –

  • Ms.Moon

    The family and I had a conversation this morning and this is the conclusion that we came to. The Russians have videotaped evidence of a wife swapping orgy with pegging involved featuring many, many, many members of the Republican delegation. Miss Lindsay was not present because he doesn’t have a wife and he doesn’t shit where he eats.

    • Longstreet63

      Plus, that’s just Tuesday for him.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It was a rentboy swapping orgy.

      • Ms.Moon

        I would think that Miss Lindsay would have actually attended that. Paul Ryan is not cool enough for gay sex.

  • shastakoala

    Does this mean there’s going to be another Benghazi movie?

    • Shoto

      Can we cast Scott Baio as Benghazi?

  • cats530

    Jason Chaffetz arch villain in a Scooby-Doo episode. “If not for those meddling constitutents, I’d have gotten away with selling off the public lands to my Koch masters. Curses! Foiled again. I’ll blame it on Soros! That’s what I’ll do. Heh-heh-heh.”

  • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

    Every post about Jason Chaffetz needs this:

    https://youtu.be/HtyO4tmpPdk

  • marxalot

    Summon the glaciers. Crush us beneath implacible tonnes of ice. Start with him.

    • Shoto

      Sweet meteor of death libelz!

    • Longstreet63

      Regrettably the glaciers have their own problems right now…

  • OrG

    That looks like a nazi face to me.What was it we do to nazi faces again?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So was Sid the Science Kid the one who set up the server for Hitlary?

  • Garbageman

    It should be pretty clear by now: These Congressional investigations are political circle jerks, and have nothing to do with justice. . . . As long as Republicans are in power, there will be no impeachment, unless somebody can put a smoking gun in Donald Trump’s little hands . . .

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And if he used it to shoot someone on 5th Avenue, no one will care.

    • Shoto

      Paging US Intelligence Community.

    • snark-lurker

      they would rule it a “Stand Your Ground” shooting

  • SadDemInTex
    • ViveLaPersistence

      EXACTLY!!! And right now, an alien invasion may be all that can save us.

      • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

        Yeah. Donnie would shit his pants in the first five minutes.

        • theCryptofishist

          And then have a vote attack?

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    i was curious about the charges – according to that ap story, it would be twice being found in contempt of congress for not appearing.

    FWIW

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Even with the immunity?

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        i would GUESS, only guess, that the immunity he had with the FBI covered only what he did in terms of the server – not in terms of “cooperating” wiht congress etc.

        But i am not a lawyer, so….

    • cmd resistor

      Yeah, the only thing I could get from the story. Wow, that’s worth pursuing.

  • Shoto

    Chaffetz is “a pus-filled scab on the prolapsed anus of humanity (gross, Wonkette!)”

    Yes, it’s gross, maybe, but the Journalamism Truth is not always pretty.

    Dickhole Smegma-Face™ Chaffetz long ago rocketed to the #2 spot in my top ten list of Punchiest Faces in US America. Does he have the will, the fortitude, and the general chicken-shittedness to steal the #1 trophy from ZEGS Ryan? Time will tell.

    • Persistent Demme

      So Ted Cruz is chopped liver?

      • Please!

      • exinkwretch

        Ted is still No. 1 with a bullet. I mean, vote.

      • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

        He’s always been chopped liver from a human perspective but he’s still undisputedly #1 for these purposes.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sean Hannity libelz!

    • anon_the_great

      Not as gross as the 1,000’s of dead babbies to come with the repeal of the ACA

    • puredog

      Mitch McConnell libelz!

    • cmd resistor

      I think he might top Ryan, although it’s close. That stupid Instagram of Hillary at the inauguration got him bonus points, for sure, in the contest.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      You know, I don’t think we should be bothering to rank them.

      We should just get to punching.

      • Zyxomma

        With VOTES.

  • New and Improved Say Wha

    Chaffetz’s first job, which he held for a decade, was as a spokesman for a beauty company called Nu Skin, a multi-level marketing company selling personal care products. Perhaps Chaffetz was brought on board to help Donald keep his trademark golden-orange sheen.

    • anon_the_great

      It puts on the lotion…

      • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

        You mean lube.

    • Mike Steele

      He’ll likely do lunch with Secty of Amway DeVos

  • Randy Riddle

    Well, it’s almost like key members of the GOP are intentionally trying to distract us from Trump’s Russia connections.

    Did I mention that Trump has Russian connections? Involving blackmail? State secrets? Pay for play favors? Virtual burglary of political opponents? Dead Russian agents and officials?

    Oh, well, it’ probably just all nothing after all….

  • anon_the_great

    ITMFA

    We will start at the top and work our way down. Come on Utahans, do your part. ITMFA

    • kareemachan

      I JUST RECEIVED MY PINS YESTERDAY!!!11!!!!ONe!!!

      Sorry, I’m sick with the flu and unable to exult in public.

  • puredog

    I would lay money that the idea is to go after Pagliano first, since he won’t command the kind of support and outrage that Hilz would if he went after her. Then, either they will just nail Pagliano outright and cite that as “legal support” for going after Clinton or — if Pagliano proves to be a fertile source of dirt on Hilz — they’ll just turn him and go after Hilz. And, of course, while the media goes into a feeding frenzy, they will do mucho fuckwaddery on the side. Lather, rinse, repeat, with bonus Hillary-fucking thrown in.

    • Ducksworthy

      You spent a lot of time studing rat behavior didn’t you?

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    “Apparently, Chairman Chaffetz and President Trump are the only two people in Washington today who think we should still be investigating Secretary Clinton,” Cumming said in a statement. He added: “The Oversight Committee can’t afford to be distracted by political vendettas against Hillary Clinton while our constituents are begging us to conduct responsible oversight of President Trump.”

    Cumming? So, “Cumming” is in your spell-check dictionary, then, right?

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I know it’s in mine…right after the phrase “oh dear god – please”…

  • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

    Not that my representatives in Congress are any better but I’m glad this putrid turd doesn’t represent me.

    • Apple Scruff

      There’s a part of me that wishes he did represent me, cause I’d drive over to his office and pie him in the goddamn face. With votes.

      • Wellstone En Resistencia, Coño

        I hear ya.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Shit, I think it’s time to investigate Chaffettz. I’d like to know his relationship to the trump family and its money…

  • With all the time he spends rubbing one out over the e-mails, I would hate to be the poor schmuck who has to clean under his desk.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      His office is build like a restroom in a prison. There’s a drain in the middle of the floor. An intern comes by once a day and cleans out under there with a fire hose.

      • Bad Tom

        Intern abuse, for certain.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Evan, you are great and I love you. But NOBODY’S face is as punchable as Ted Cruz’s.

    • kareemachan

      Um, permission to introduce Gohmert….

      • Marceline

        Stephen Miller. His dead eyed derp face begs for punching.

        • cats530

          Eric Cantor was pretty punchable in his day.

        • Hairstrike Alpha

          Don’t forget Steve Mnuchin….

        • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

          That guy makes my skin crawl. I doubt I could punch him due to the extreme willies I’d have to get under control first.

          • Marceline

            Same. He just screams serial killer.

      • AnnieGetYerFun

        Gohmert makes me laugh and cry, but no face can curl my fingers faster than Cruz’s.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      I give you Alex Jones and raise you a Tucker Cucker chicken Fucker Carlson….

      • alpacapunchbowl

        I think I could really enjoy punching Tucker Carlson, except for the fact that I suspect he’d enjoy it.

    • Mike Steele

      New EPA destroyer Pruitt, in advance, on behalf of the Chesapeake Bay
      “but his emails?!?!” Oh, that’s right…despite judge’s order, we won’t get to see those…

  • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

    Chaffetz–whose surname reminds my of a Yiddish insult, has a nose that reminds me of this: “Poor Jason pulled a booger out of his nose and his head collapsed before he could eat it.” And this is why he has such a hard-on (as diminutive as it is) for Hillary’s emails.

  • Marceline

    Salt Lake City just lost a major convention because of Chaffetz’s attempt to privatize public lands.

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/02/17/largest-outdoor-gear-show-abandons-salt-lake-city-after-20-years-to-protest-utah-republicans-conservation-stance/?

    Maybe it’s time for him to realize those people screaming at him weren’t paid protesters.

    • Ducksworthy

      I thought T.rump said these protesters fill up our alleys and they’re not even Republicans. He thinks these town hall thingies are rallies. I misunderestimated his stupidity.

  • kareemachan

    Wow, his fee-fees was hurt BAD.

    • theCryptofishist

      Maybe he’s not cut out for a career in public service.

  • Mr. Lambert

    Even though this shit’s unbelievably depressing, I’m glad I can always come to wonkette for a laugh.

    Gross, Wonkette!

  • Ricky Gay

    He trolling now yah?

    • zerosumgame0005

      still

  • Stulexington

    So the person who was brought in to do the thing that doesn’t violate any laws and showed no malice aforethought must be investigated for … something because reasons. EMAILS!!!11!!!ELEVENTYBILLION!!

    • Heyzeus Ahchay

      Yeah, so, um, let’s go ahead and, um, uh, try to prosecute the, um, guy who, um, helped set up the computer for the uh, person who, uh, didn’t do anything wrong because it will, um, give me more time, um, in front of the TV cameras, where I can, um, maybe hide from actually having to listen to any of those, um, so-called constituents and maybe impress them with, um, another loss. What could go wrong?

      • Keith Taylor

        The FBI Director made a last minute attempt to revive the e-mails thing just before the election and couldn’t do it to any effect. (Except maybe to cost Clinton some votes at the last minute, which was doubtless the whole idea anyway.) He dropped it afterwards. Donald Trump vented a lot of volcanic hot air as to how he’d appoint a special prosecutor to nail Clinton once he was elected, and then went all “Aw shucks, who really cares, I was just talking, we’re past that now” afterwards. Probably because his minders sponged him down with ice water behind the scenes and cooed to him, “Mr. All-Powerful President, there might be some doubt about being able to make the charges stick, or even finding actual charges to bring in a properly constituted court of law, so reconsider pretty please?”
        Comey couldn’t do it, Trump couldn’t do it, nobody else seems even interested in doing it any more, except knuckle-dragging ignoramuses who still think Obama is the Antichrist and Clinton is demon-possessed (if not the Antichrist herself) but Jason Chaffetz thinks he can do it by nailing the technician who set up the server?
        If ever any man had his ambitions confused with his capabilities …

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      He literally admitted that his “investigations” are nothing but partisan witch hunts when he blathered “why would Republicans investigate Republicans.”

      • phoenix00

        This would be the answer to the question “Why don’t we make Oversight non-partisan?”

  • whitroth

    Hey, I just read another news report about him… he’s working on a bill to require candidates for the Presidency to undergo physical and MENTAL exams in Bethesda (actually, the Military Medical Hospital), where *real* doctors will examine him….

    If *he’s* doing this… yeah, it’s a matter of time for Trumpolini. It’s two days short of *one* *month* (is that *all*?!), and I’m still betting he doesn’t last 9.

  • PixieThis

    With a face only a mother could punch because I ain’t touching it! But it does look like it’s been punched a lot or at least that it’s begging to be punched a lot. I’d rather look at my cat’s butt than his face.

    • disqus_lWwzrwNaw6

      Yeah, without getting all “looksist” about it, because then I’d sound just like a Republican, this guy does remind me of the old line about “if my dog had a face like yours I’d shave his butt and make him walk backwards.”

      Although to be fair, it’s more the endless, Eddie Haskell smirk than it is the face itself.

      • Keith Taylor

        Eddie Haskell comparisons seem to appear more and more often lately. Cannot imagine why.

  • Paperless Tiger

    What about the 500 pound orangutan in the room, Chaffie?

  • Truly Madly Derply

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ad8d9cf8f695e5366de7c5534c440dd52ba67b60a4f4947426e2112488af048d.jpg
    This is what he looks like without his daily dose of Hillary ephemera.

    • theCryptofishist

      Ah the chaffez lamprey…

  • President in Exile Firefly

    I always knew Tech Support was up to no good.

  • Keith Taylor

    For some reason I checked out Trump supporters’ views of this. Stunning wit and perceptiveness. One bloke writes “Jason Chaffetz yesterday … confirmed that they are still going after Hillary.” And I swear it, he whoops, “Yee-haw!” Literally really “Yee-haw!” Someone else writes, “Oh happy day, happy day.” Someone else writes, “Get them all, use the friends and family plan.”
    About oversight for Donald, they would probably be less enthusiastic.

    • theCryptofishist

      But, but, look at his family!

    • andyshelt

      Here’s some footage of your yee-haw guy and his fellow Trump supporters enjoying a day out together!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gLN3QoN-q8

    • doggiedaddy

      Yeah…..hey did my unemployment check come yet?
      Whatya mean there are no more checks!
      oh….that’s right.

    • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

      They are just revealing that they are so pathetically weak and stupid and powerless that just the sight of an intelligent, accomplished woman intimidates them. You’d think they’d be embarrassed to let everyone know. And they’re so lazy that rather than doing anything useful with their lives, or getting an education, or bettering themselves or even just learning something about the world, they can only muster crude, stupid laughter,”yee-haw FUCK that uppity bitch who makes us feel stupid! HAW!”

      • Keith Taylor

        I think you are absolutely right about the nature of these drongos (old-fashioned Australian insult, meaning someone inept, gauche and not too intelligent). Also concerning the desirability of their bettering themselves or even just learning something. I’m not so sure they’re aware enough to feel like dopes in the face of Hillary Clinton. Maybe they mutter in their lice-ridden beards (not that I’ve actually checked their beards) “Can’t understand a word she says … she must be really stupid,” and are fully satisfied with that.

        • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

          Hahaha PERFECT. And for heaven’s sakes, stay away from those lice-ridden beards!

          • Keith Taylor

            I will!

  • Beanz&Berryz

    Smegma-libelz….

    • phoenix00

      I’m sure they serve some sort of purpose…………

  • andyshelt

    House Oversight Committee Chair Jason Chaffetz on not investigating Uncle Vlad’s BFF, Michael Flynn:

    “It’s taking care of itself,” Chaffetz told reporters Tuesday, according to Politico’s Kyle Cheney, adding that further investigation would be up to the House Intelligence Committee.

    Yet this same fucking GOP piece of shit “is seeking criminal charges against a former State Department employee who helped set up Hillary Clinton’s private email server.”

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9aaef6f09654cc8f6fb44cdde2ad3767d883e4934d97df6227c77f989184c601.jpg

  • Pat_Pending

    Oh, how I hate him. That is all.

  • doggiedaddy

    Hindsight.
    Oh how I wished HRC had nutt punched him after that weird handshake he posted just to get twatter/instagram hits

    http://images.dailykos.com/images/352912/story_image/Screen_Shot_2017-01-20_at_2.35.47_PM.png?1484951903

    https://media.giphy.com/media/Zd9VZqdmULhtK/giphy.gif

    • phoenix00

      The responses are gold.

  • Lefty Wright

    Sooner or later, they are going to push one Clinton investigation too far. Some communication will accidentally pop up showing collusion between Comey and some GOP members of congress, or some Trump campaign staff, and a possible Russian link that proves collusion in tampering with the election. That’s why any Republican with any sense wants to drop the matter. And also why Chaffee and Trump want to keep pursuing it. They are stupid.

  • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

    Obviously, the undercurrent of rumors that the election WAS actually fraudulent and rigged by the Russians, and we should demand to instate Hillary, the actual winner, must have some truth to it…. they’re beginning to ramp up their HIllary hatred again. Hopefully, at this point, only the very, very, very stupidest and heinous among us would go along.

  • Mike Steele

    Looks as though Chaffetz/Nunes are about to relent on Russian probe. Could mean that Comey kept a whole lot more to his crooked self than we even imagined, until it was too late. UN-American!

  • Mike Steele

    A little later… wrong again. Smegma may fold, but Nunes appears to be going down with the ship. So hoping he missed swim class.

    • Stupid Monkey – Call me Stu’

      If you throw an orange weighted ass into the water Nunes will follow it to the depths.

  • Mike Steele

    Just left nasty phone msg. for WY (R) hypocrite Barrasso. He spent eight years bitching about BO’s travel expenses. JUST SO FAR, we’ve deployed Secret Service, et. al. to babysit FLOTUS 1&2 in NY & DC, Donald’s trips to FL every weekend to double dues & pump up the dinner trade in Palm Beach, and …the worst of all indignities…to Ecuador, Dominican Republic and Dubai to cover Uday & Qusay as they conduct Cheeto’s personal resort business on taxpayer dime. THIS alone should be enough to get even his 23% base riled. Even Faux can’t characterize it as ‘fake news’ or doing the ‘people’s business’. Thanks to Farenthold, etc. at WaPo. Bring us more, and slip a few tidbits to any brethren at the National Enquirer or the Blaze….maybe that will get their attention.

  • wait! what?

    Why not just say: “Bryan Pagliano spells Bryan with a ‘y’.

    He’s a witch!

  • Stupid Monkey – Call me Stu’

    What a Sméagol….

  • Scott Phillips

    Sphincter Boy- Tick- Tock

  • themidniteskulker

    He think he’s going to get away with this forever. Kris Kobach has his back.

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