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Donald Trump held his very first solo press conference Thursday, at which he mostly yelled at the media, because it’s the one thing he’s really good at. He griped about all the unfair coverage he’s gotten, denied that there’s anything remotely like chaos in the White House, and reviewed all the enormous successes of his first few weeks in office. Trump started by announcing his new appointment for Secretary of Labor, Alexander Acosta, about whom we know nothing; then most of the prepared remarks were a laundry list of the executive orders he’s signed, punctuated by shots at the media and his enemies, who are legion, but will surely be crushed, because he’s the best. A few great moments:

“I had the biggest electoral vote margin since Reagan.” The dishonest media was right on that one:

Trump explained that all of the problems of his early days in office are, of course, Barack Obama’s fault: “I inherited a mess.” You know, like the 75 consecutive months of job growth, which is absolutely nothing like the cushy time Barack Obama had in his first month, when the economy was in freefall so he could just pass a big stimulus package. He also insisted that reports of chaos and infighting in his White House are complete fabrications, saying, “This administration is running like a fine-tuned machine.” Donald Trump has never apparently actually seen a fine-tuned machine, because he pays people to take care of tuning the machines.

And then we got to the questions. Despite his insistence that the dishonest media had treated Michael Flynn incredibly badly, Trump admitted that he actually had been the one to fire Flynn. Was Mike Pence kept in the dark about Flynn’s conversations about sanctions with the Russian ambassador? Well, sure, because Trump didn’t think Flynn had done anything wrong, but then he had to fire Flynn because he had withheld information from Pence. That clip ought to get a lot of play. Here’s a good summary:

Trump did at least give a clear answer on one thing: He did not tell Flynn to talk about sanctions with the Russian ambassador, but he certainly would have told him to do it if he’d thought of it.

Trump dismissed reports of contacts between his campaign and Russian intelligence during the presidential campaign as “fake news,” a “ruse,” and a “joke,” and said the New York Times’ report Wednesday had already, “as you all know,” been completely disproven.

Oh, and the leaks! The leaks are so terrible! Everyone is always leaking and it’s a crime. And the stories being leaked are all fake. No, you won’t be getting any clarification on that: Yes, the leaks are of real classified information, and therefore a criminal offense, but the stories based on the leaks are completely fake.

Then there was the fight with CNN’s Jim Acosta (no relation) about how CNN is completely fake news and can’t be relied upon, because it’s nothing but biased lies. No one at CNN can be trusted, and as proof, Trump pointed out that at his rallies (he can hardly wait!!!), the crowds want to turn around and attack CNN, so what more proof do you need than that? The public, he explained, is smart, and that’s why no one watches CNN at all. Trump isn’t a bad person, really, but CNN is just nothing but hatred. Trump isn’t undermining the First Amendment, the media are undermining it by lying about Trump all the time.

On Russia: Trump never talked to Russia. It’s a ruse. It would be wonderful if we could get along, and all this fake news is actually making it harder to deal with Russia, because Putin is hearing all this negative stuff about Russia in the news, so it’s actually harder to make a deal with Trump. Putin has probably been provoked to test missiles, buzz a destroyer, and park a spy ship off the East coast. But by golly, Trump’s going to go right ahead and give the store to Putin to prove how brave he is. If only the liars in the press would back off all this Russia stuff, Trump could be tough on Russia and we would be friends! But let’s not forget: A nuclear war would be bad. After much difficulty, Trump finally said that no one on his campaign team, to his knowledge, had been in contact with Russia during the campaign.

The travel ban: It went very smoothly, and the courts gave us a very bad decision. Respectfully. And the 9th Circuit Court is terrible. Also, we’re going to roll out a brand new executive order next week, and it will be fine this time. We had to do it immediately so terrorists wouldn’t come streaming into the country, and maybe they already have, but we’re vetting everyone very carefully. In fact, we’re vetting so carefully that we’ll even save reporters’ lives from terrorists.

Racism: Donald Trump is the least racist, least anti-Semitic person in the world, and in fact it’s offensive that anyone would even ask him an insulting question about whether he’s encouraged racism or anti-Semitism. SIT DOWN!

Immigration: A fair question! Most of the kids covered by DACA are great, apart from the drug dealers and gang members, so we have to deal with them with a lot of heart, because Donald Trump loves kids. He has kids, you know. So we’ll tailor the new executive order to fit with Barack Obama’s “bad decision.”

And then the best question of all, about Melania Trump’s opening of a White House visitor’s center, gave Trump the chance to say what a wonderful woman his wife is, and then to attack all the terrible mean things the press is always saying about her.

The inner cities: Trump is going to fix them, and that’s why he did incredibly well with minority voters. He’s going to save them, and they’re terrible places where people are “living in hell” and afraid to go out. What will he do? Chicago is worse than parts of the middle east. Reporter April Ryan asked if he’d include the Congressional Black Caucus in his plans for fixing the inner cities, and so naturally Trump asked her to arrange a meeting with them, to which Ryan pointed out “I’m a reporter.” Then Trump called Elijah Cummings a chicken for canceling a meeting with him.

So. That thing happened. A souffle of half-truths and resentments, and did you know that Trump won, even though the lying media said he couldn’t?

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  • Nounverb911

    It was a FESTIVUS miracle!
    –Jake Tapper

  • msanthropesmr
  • dslindc

    Can we please just get that fucking comet in here to end things?

  • Nounverb911
    • Tallmutha

      Please. “Pissflaps” is so much more expressive.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Now I understand what “shut yer piehole” means.

      • LaylaOhGee

        Lol. Hi!

    • randomhookup

      The cable’s working. The new curtains are up (and they’re beautiful) I know how to operate all the remotes. The staff figured out how I take my afternoon tea AND the laundry starches my white robe just right.

      It’s perfect!

  • Nounverb911
  • Suttree

    Great turnaround time Dok! You are a fucking professional!

  • Crank Tango
  • Mavenmaven

    Poor Jake Turx, the hassidic correspondent for Ami magazine, the one who was told to sit down, who has been a staunch Trump supporter from the beginning. Trump loves Jews, the ones who do his accounting, but he prefers Jews who look like either his daughter or an accountant.

    • Darrell Imaginarian

      Having a real hard time feeling bad about it now.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Poor Jake is delusional and tweeted:

      President Trump clearly misunderstood my question. This is highly regretful and I’m going to seek clarification.

      Jake, Jake, Jake, he’s just not that into you.

      • puredog

        The only way you’re going to get “clarification” is to ask it of someone else.

      • Mavenmaven

        He’s like an abuse victim, pleading with his abuser. Poor Jake had a lot invested in this.

  • exinkwretch

    And, at the end, he reinforced his point that he was the greatest president ever by awarding himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I could see that happening in room filled with busty naked mannequins and a loud applause sound track mixed with Hail to the Chief.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I don’t know if this is a joke.

      • willi0000000

        so far it is . . . i’ll try to keep you posted if anything develops.

  • Suttree

    I cannot wait to hear the excuses for this catastrophe. Everyone make sure you get screengrabs to share with your wingnut friends and relatives.

  • Nounverb911
    • Jenny

      Do what now?

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Jonestown, maybe.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Westborough Baptist.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Just blow him, already!

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Does anyone here speak Cuntish? What does that even mean?

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “Excuse me, I speak jive.”

      • Jamoche

        “If I backtrack I’ll look like an idiot, so I’ll just double down harder.”

      • DahBoner

        Pie is delicious!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Bitter exoskeleton says what now?

    • The Wanderer

      So . . . the Beast foretold in the Apocalypse of Saint John?

    • cmd resistor

      Is that real?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      This killed my snark-generator.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Sounds like Ann is as wet as an otter’s pocket.

    • Alternative Pony Ron

      Before she was just disconnected from reality. Now she’s completely cut through the cables and jammed a screwdriver in the socket. Her and the 4602 people who agreed with her.

      • willi0000000

        you want a scare? . . . by midnight it was over 10k!

    • puredog

      What does that even mean? I am serious. What does that even mean? Or put another way, if you can imagine being in the shoes of someone to whom it meant something, what would it mean to them? Baffled.

    • willi0000000

      from The Book of Wonderfulness™

      “FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, LET ME OUT OF THIS CRAZY BITCH’S HEAD!!! IT’S PITCH BLACK IN HERE, THERE ARE CREEPY SHUFFLING NOISES AND INDECIPHERABLE WHISPERING GOING ON ALL THE TIME, AND IT SMELLS LIKE PEE AND COTTON CANDY!!!
      – i_am_allwrite (via Wonkette)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I wonder what color the sky is in his alt-universe?

    • 3FingerPete

      Gold. Just like those bilious curtains behind him.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Trump explained that all of the problems of his early days in office are, of course, Barack Obama’s fault: “I inherited a mess.”

    And when he calls Barack begging for help, I hope this is Obama’s response:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/5f5781eba9d5092901aa0d6ec5730acacc7cb9a887ac4b0ad28c6b95b7131048.jpg

    • Asterix

      I miss him so. The picture actually brought a tear to my eye.

    • DahBoner

      Same advice I give my Republican colleagues…

      Yeah go ahead and do that and see how it works out alrighty now 😀

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Did Donnie just say that it was OK to beg Russia for Hillary’s emails to be leaked because there was no classified info in them?

    So why did we have all those investigations and hearings again?

    • Crank Tango

      Oh who can remember. I believe it’s because her emails had emails in them.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Someone really needs to tell him that hacking into someone’s private emails is also illegal

        • Crank Tango

          It’s not illegal when the guy who cheats his way to the presidency does it.

    • GuidedAccordingly

      It was the recipes!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Because she’s a woman and Democrat, what rock you been hiding under.

    • willi0000000

      because: reasons!

      [ now shut up ]

  • Slithytoves

    *Shiver* Hold me.

  • Tallmutha

    Clearly, major news organizations would really be lost in the dark if they just stopped going to these informative pressers.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Right? You aren’t getting anything meaningful – other than additional indications that the man is shit-house-rat crazy – so why bother? Spend you time deep-throating your contacts over at FBI/CIA. Wait…is that a dick joke?

  • Nounverb911
    • Oblios_Cap

      Said someone who is afraid to look in his own mirror.

      • willi0000000

        hell, i’m afraid to look in the mirror these days.

        [ but at least i know i’ll have a reflection ]

    • Obviously bucking for a job with the Administration.

      • puredog

        And they may be stupid enough to fucking hire him.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Huck? SHADDUP YOUR MOUTH!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      You’re in Israel? Stay there.

    • The Wanderer

      The stupid motherHucker might want to stay there. Doomsday’s coming.

    • ltmcdies

      when is that Rapture going to relieve us of this idiot’s nonsense

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Not soon enough for me.

    • cmd resistor

      Tell me about those reporters who gushed over Obama again? SHut up Fuckabee.

    • Jamoche

      So much racism in so little space.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      The stray dog population in Tel Aviv is down today.

      • Nockular cavity

        “Hey Avner, come look at this and explain to me: why is fat American there chasing squirrels in park?”

        • PubOption

          Are squirrels kosher?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      It’s odd to read Huckabee’s Twitter and realize that the idiots who voted for Trump have no idea that Trump is a laughingstock.

    • mardam422

      WTFingF is he talking about?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Watching @POTUS presser from Israel;reporters who gushed over never gave a fucking break to Obama treat Trump w/ stunning disrespect; inhuman restraint. Do they realize how bad complicit they look?

      ftfy, Mikey

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    All of the bad stuff is Obama’s fault, but the positive jobs report for the period that ended days before I was sworn in is because of me…

  • Bdupa

    He sounded low energy as I listened for 30 seconds on way to lunch. Said Demon-crats were holding up his nominees (delay, delay, delay) and in the next breath bragged about the record speed his Administration was getting people through sometimes in one day!

  • Groundloop

    Every time this president* speaks it’s a frontal assault on the English language.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Better in the original German.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        The idea of Drumpf getting through even a single sentence amid the complexities of the German language completely boggle the mind.

  • dslindc
    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      Hand me the pill bowl…

      • The Wanderer

        I dibs the shrooms.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Gotta share!

          • The Wanderer

            Okay. You can have the brown ones with the white spots; I’ll keep the white ones with the brown spots.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Just mix lots of grape Kool Aid mix into the tea. Then when I start barfing just before I peak it will be purple, not muddy brown.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Hold on one second, I’m still filling our bong.

      • Jeffery Campbell
        • Ms.MLG on Maui

          Doctors have been handing that exact prescription out since the election. That, and cowbell.

        • Monsieur_Grumpe

          Magic jellybeans!

          • OneYieldRegular

            Jellybelly for the Trump generation.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          A little too many barbiturates for me. Now, do I see some Dexamyl Spansules? Mm mm.

      • Sardonicuss

        Well, I have to fill it from the pill flume. Which I attached to pill duct, which of course comes down from the actual pill box, which is rigged to the pill container unit…..

        • calliecallie

          That sounds like a finely tuned machine.

      • aureolaborealis

        I have these here heart-shaped infused coconut oil chocolates whose recipe I have been fine-tuning for the past few months. They will make all of this more funny.

        • Ms.MLG on Maui

          I’m in!

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I like the ones with a “K-4” on them.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Just get the IV going…

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Put in a Teflon cath, 21 gauge. No butterfly. We are going to be at this for a while.

    • Jeffery Campbell

      Karen Walker is my spirit animal.

      • Alternative Pony Ron

        ISWYDT

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I thought that was Anastasia Beaverhousen.

        • Jeffery Campbell

          Yes, Anastasia as in Russian Royalty and Beaverhausen as in house where the beaver lives.

    • Asterix

      Yup, that’s me right now.

    • Jamoche
    • TheGrandWazoo2
    • arglebargle
    • Meliflaw

      Have taken up weed again, officially for my left patella, unofficially because we are being put upon 24/7 by a whiny little bitch.

      • arglebargle

        I’ve been applying weed as a preventative measure.

        • Mary Sandoras

          I’m using garlic and a cross to keep 45 away.

  • Ms.MLG on Maui

    The murder rate is 100% in Chicago. 100% of Chicagoans have been murdered!

    • dslindc

      I was given that information, so it’s fine.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I believe it, and many people are telling me I’m right.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      they’re all dead, Jim

      • mardam422

        Jim, I’m not the President!! I’m just a doctor!

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      Of course FAKE NEWS CNN hasn’t reported on that at all.

    • mardam422

      And the other 100% are murderers.

      • WIDTAP

        Some of whom, I assume, are good people.

    • goonemeritus

      I may be able to finally afford a pied-à-terre in Chicago now.

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        A pied-à-terre of MURDER..

        • goonemeritus

          Fine with me, I got Amish neighbors, daddy needs some culture. Plus no lines at museums and galleries, what’s not to love?

        • Gayer Than Thou

          That is my favorite Agatha Christie novel.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Or at least a Porte Cochere

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      In Chicago. Can confirm.

      • goonemeritus

        Wait but if you are in Chicago…….

      • Ms.MLG on Maui

        I’m sorry about you being murdered!

      • handyhippie65

        so. you’re a zombie?i would ask you to eat dumpy’s brainz, but i wouldn’t want you to get indigestion.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    From the dated pop culture reference file:

    Trump: This administration is running like a fine-tuned machine.

    Randy Jackson: Oh, it’s a little pitchy, dawg.
    Simon Cowell: Worst machine tuning ever.
    Paula Abdul: [passes out]

  • ltmcdies

    I like Tapper’s comment because he’s right…what the fuck

    https://twitter.com/TheLeadCNN/status/832309098117005312

    • dslindc

      Pity he can’t say, “What the fuck?” on CNN.

      • Vincent Ricola

        His body language is saying it for his mouth.

    • Jamoche

      “EC votes… but moving on”. But Donnie never moves on from that.

      • ltmcdies

        it’s the only damn win in his column, that’s why Donnie won’t move from it.

    • coozledad

      Wolf looks so uncomfortable. How’s he supposed to give Trump a hummer after that?

  • Jenny

    Everything is fine and totally normal. A well oiled machine that lacks intel, the necessary staff, or the attention to details to prevent a terrorist attack. Completely fine! Buy a Keep America Great hat before we all die!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Trump isn’t a bad person, really, but CNN is just nothing but hatred. Trump isn’t undermining the First Amendment, the media are undermining it by lying about Trump all the time.

    (watches related clip)

    Yo, Donald?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d535860cc7acf193b288a658104957bd7acbf80eb70c8e279444362837225e13.jpg

  • Msgr_MΩment

    “This administration is running like a fine-tuned machine.” Donald Trump has never apparently actually seen a fine-tuned machine, because he pays people to take care of tuning the machines.

    You can tune a piano, but the best tunafish tacos come from Trump Tower.

  • Nounverb911
    • Msgr_MΩment

      #FuckingWall??!!

      Pyramus and Thisbe libel!

      • GoutMachine

        I can’t wait to go to the fucking wall! Secks all day! YAY!

        • Longstreet63

          Well, we knew the border wall would have a lot of holes in it.
          I suppose international commerce is encouraged by NAFTA…

    • aureolaborealis

      Trump Tower restaurant makes the tastiest Quesadas! I love Hispanics!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Fun fact: April Ryan is the journalist Omarosa threatened with a dossier.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Trump: “I inherited a mess.”

    American People: “You’re right. That previous guy should come back and fix it and not turn it over to you until the mess is gone, say, early 2021?

    • Sardonicuss

      2086?

    • folderol

      The poor man. Obama merely left it like he found it. He didn’t know no better.

  • DoILookAmused2u? Résistance☨
  • mardam422

    What the fucking fuck was that?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      That was an unhinged manbaby having a meltdown in public, which would have happened in private except that he arranged specially for it to be public. Because everybody thinks there’s something wrong with him, and he wanted to prove it.

    • Marceline

      That is what happens when you piss off the intelligence community and they decide to switch your Lipitor with PCP.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    Donald Trump is the least racist, least anti-Semitic person in the world, and in fact it’s offensive that anyone would even ask him an insulting question about whether he’s encouraged racism or anti-Semitism.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/876abc92964e51a992ea70dfe5b2514a3b00cedf8c20f1af0b025d1fdcc8288b.gif

    • DerrickWildcat

      He is the Sisko.

      • Carpe Vagenda

        Oh Captain my Captain. Commander. Whatever.

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      Now hey, black lady reporter – can you send out your black bat signal and ask the black congressional caucus to get together? Thanks.

  • V4Virginia, NASTY!

    Tragically trapped in a classroom with a pack of first-graders, so missed most of it, but I was impressed by “I didn’t know what Flynn was doing but if I’d had known he wasn’t doing it I would have told him to.”

    Um. Huh?

    • cmd resistor

      None of your first graders would have come up with anything that dumb.

    • mardam422

      If you had been watching the presser, how would you have known the difference?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Racism: Donald Trump is the least racist, least anti-Semitic person in the world, and in fact it’s offensive that anyone would even ask him an insulting question about whether he’s encouraged racism or anti-Semitism. SIT DOWN!

    “You said it was going to be a simple question…”

    Again:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/53743e4e8afdeed2ce35bc8490065afcdef153f2955b6bec3bfd8daae3b77336.jpg

  • TheGrandWazoo2

    Georgia Tech is pissed Trump stole their Ramblin’ Wreck trademark.

  • Crystalclear12

    Huh, Nixon was better at this.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Nixon was damn good at it, compared to Trump. He almost got away with it. What am I saying, he DID get away with it, cause he resigned and got a pardon. Pence will probably do the same for Donald.

      • Crystalclear12

        I don’t think so. Pretty sure Pence hates Trump by now and Trump would make a lovely sacrifice.

        • Longstreet63

          Stupid man, Pence, but he can count and it’s been weeks and abortion is still mostly legal. So, yeah, he’s probably getting angry.

  • Oblios_Cap

    What hath God wrought, indeed.

    Actually, it’s really just more proof that there is no God.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Amen to that.

  • Nounverb911
  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I’m beginning to think he has too much lead in his diet.

    • V4Virginia, NASTY!

      Or not …

      /might violate rules for radicals

      • PubOption

        Something, something, 5th Avenue?

  • SnarkON

    Instead of watching this, I listened to my upstairs neighbor’s toddler throw a tantrum loud enough to hear through the ceiling. Same difference.

    • Vincent Ricola

      You saved yourself some stress and a few brain cells. Cheers.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      And the toddler will eventually grow up and stop doing that. Snark ON’s Toddler Neighbor for President!

      • SnarkON

        Upstairs Toddler 2040!

    • randomhookup

      This feels like the time the local radio station took a live call from an 80-year old granny on the topic of race relations. You *knew* it was gonna end badly, but you couldn’t turn it off.

    • GoutMachine

      That toddler could run a better administration that Drumpf.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Out of his alt-fucking mind. He made KaWy and Liar Spicer look like souls of professionalism.

    • Asterix

      Trump’s “presser” goes a long way towards explaining why ConJob and Spicy behave the way they do.

  • Nounverb911
  • DahBoner

    Mattis: ‘Very little doubt’ Russia has interfered in elections

    You know, I’m starting to appreciate the bold flavor of Bum Wine more and more.
    http://giphy.com/gifs/funny-dog-mad-18LZm8w9R8T0Q

  • Martini Ambassador

    Huh, not even one mention about how unfairly his most favorite child and object of his masterbating fantasies has been treated by weak, unfair retail clothing stores. Must have run out of time.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “What the President meant to say is that this administration is a fine, cartooned machine.”
    — Rube Goldberg, Trump administration efficiency consultant

  • FDRliberal

    President Trump: “My team is a fine-tuned machine.”

    http://37.media.tumblr.com/d5de1c8b8cbc78303501671d7a8359fe/tumblr_n4qrx2kQVb1rs2xzto1_500.gif

    #Resist #NotMyPresident #25th Amendment

    • aureolaborealis

      <strike> President </strike>

  • Crystalclear12

    It’s like watching a Ken doll melt.

  • Old-So-and-So

    I don’t know. “Half truths” seem veeeerrrrryyy generous.

    • GoutMachine

      He’s like the anti-Dove. 99.44% untruths.

  • Nounverb911
    • Msgr_MΩment

      AOT,K.
      /obligatory

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      AOT,K

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Now in stereo!

    • boyblue122

      Option 4

    • Latverian Diplomat

      A speedball cooked up in Russian hooker urine?

    • Vincent Ricola

      Infowars supplements.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      None of them, Katie. That is just his personality.

    • Longstreet63

      A lifetime of extreme wealth and privilege with no sort of accountability?

    • The Wanderer

      Psychedelic newt noses.

    • Dried frog pills

    • Raan

      It sure wasn’t mega seeds.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Donald is an old fashioned sort of guy. Bolivian Marching Powder.

  • goonemeritus

    That Trump guy is sure Presidenting his ass off. He is clearly the most presidential president to ever risk impeachment in his first month.

    • Longstreet63

      If he were impeached, he’d brag afterwards about how many votes he got in the Senate.
      “First time Ever–Unanimous decision”

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Third best impeachment decision of all time.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “On the one hand, things are terrible, but it’s not my fault. On the other hand, things are perfect thanks to me.”
    — Donald Trump achieves new heights in cognitive dissonance. Winning!

  • goonemeritus

    He sure talks pretty.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      He uses his tongue better than a $10 piss whore.

      • The Wanderer

        Dagnabbit, you beat me to it.

  • laughingnome

    He seems nice.

    • OrG

      If by “nice” you totally batshit cray cray,I agree.

  • Hutch

    Second day in a row, I’m having a drink at 3:00 p.m. So very, very depressing.

    • ladyblug

      I would, but I have to pick up my granddaughter. But when I get home- WINE TIME!

  • Oblios_Cap

    And over at See B.S.:

    “Trump holds freewheeling surprise news conference” is the headline. Freewheeling?

    • cmd resistor

      Freebasing?

    • Nockular cavity

      Like a Ferris wheel on fire rolling down the road.

      • Raan

        Like a windmill full of corpses.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    We are all going to die.

    • Ms.MLG on Maui

      That is absolutely true. But not today.

      • Longstreet63

        Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow.
        But soon and for the rest of your life…

    • Me not sure

      I ain’t goin’ without a fight.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Valar Morghulis

      • The Wanderer

        Valar Dohaerys.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Well, yes, we are all going to die, that has always been true. But I didn’t think I would die this way, fighting fascist white-supremacist racist sexist moronic narcissistic idiots in the White House. I thought it would maybe be heart disease.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, since I used to be a soldier, going down fighting is not the worst way to go.

  • JMP

    Remember how Republicans used to claim Obama said everything was Bush’s fault, ignoring the fact that Bush had in fact left Obama a complete mess with his unending losing wars and completely fucked up economy? Yet it’s OK for Trump to blame Obama when he inherited one that was running smoothly.

    • Oblios_Cap

      good times!

      • tomamitai

        He’ll be blaming Clinton, Carter, Johnson, Kennedy, Truman, and FDR too, also, before it’s over.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Hey, Republicans:
    You. Own. This.
    Enjoy.

  • timpundit

    OK. Now I know I can barely stand to read his quotes, either.

  • Suttree

    Haha! I am watching the comments on Blightfart and they are convinced that Turnip did an awesome job.

    • mackafritz

      Because they are dimmer than dampnut is.

    • JohnBull

      It’s really 1,000 commenters and two unique comments.

    • boyblue122

      Yeah because they are on the same wavelength

      • Suttree

        Wavelength? I am unsure of how their universe is even connected to ours.

        • tomamitai

          I used to think we were in a sane brane, but further evidence suggests otherwise.

      • PubOption

        We could find the wavelength if we knew the frequency, Kenneth.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      How would they know an awesome job if they saw one?

      • Suttree

        The lack of lost limbs or profuse bleeding?

    • CripesAmighty

      Epistemic closure defined.

      • Suttree

        Perfect Cripes!

    • Vincent Ricola

      Trump makes Russian bots proud.

  • Bitter Scribe

    While everyone was waiting for Trump, there was a soundtrack consisting of the national anthem and a chorus singing a medley of military/patriotic songs including “Anchors Aweigh” and “The Marine Corps Hymn.” (And God knows what else–I didn’t listen to the whole thing.) Two questions:

    1) Was that for real? And if so,

    2) Who the fuck does THAT?!?

  • CripesAmighty

    ‘We’re sick of experts!’–every republican consultant everywhere

    Aaaand here’s the result.

  • MynameisBlarney
  • Martini Ambassador

    I’m still looking forward to the public appearance where Cheeto Benito goes so nuclear that the thing masqueradeing as his hair detaches itself and walks off stage. I thought it was going to happen today, but sadly no. That thing has real stamina.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Very smart people on the internet said that thing can only exist in extremely high temperatures, which explains his plans for battling global warming and deregulation.

    • Suttree

      It really was! They got the drug/mania mix just right. Dr. Benway is doing a very fine job. It’s like scotch tape on the Hindenberg.

  • ImPEECH!

    So there was dumbsplaining.. “sexplaining” next…. then mansplaining… Now we have Trumpsplaining.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Isn’t there a federal law about drug testing federal employees because I think I know of one that needs to be tested right now?

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I think his problem goes WAY beyond drugs.

      • Suttree

        I would feel bad for him if he was a normal person going through senility. But he isn’t, so I don’t. They could have put him in a very nice home, but they didn’t.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          They are all making too much money from the puppet show to put him in a home. But if they change their minds, I can recommend a few homes. He would be dead within 3 months in any one of them.

          • georgiaburning

            Ft Leavenworth?

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Hadn’t thought of that, but now that you mention it, Gitmo comes to mind.

          • Suttree

            Remembrances of your comments past, made me temper my comment and think about it. :)

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Think nursing homes in Park Hills, MO, where the nurses have GEDs, and the aides have sealed juvenile records. My aunt was in one of those, and they had a fire drill, took all the patients outside in wheelchairs, forgot to lock the wheelchairs, and three patients rolled down a steep hill and fell out on a gravel road at the bottom of the hill. One of them died. They said it was her fault – she must have unlocked the wheels. She was 94 years and too frail to do any such thing. No investigation.

          • Suttree

            That’s terrible. I am glad for my grandmother that it went quickly. Apparently it didn’t take too long for her house and all of her savings to disappear. She was able to die in her own home without losing it. She was a tough old woman who went through the Blitz. She said that she was going home to die with dignity. She was lucky that she had the ability.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I am glad to hear that, that’s how we all should be allowed to die, with dignity.

      • georgiaburning

        Aricept isn’t helping!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I want him to be monitored by a GS-7 as he pisses in the bottle, too. After all, I was an O-3 and a E-6 watched me pee…

    • Boscoe

      LOL No… only the awful poors and underlings get drug tested. The rest are clearly good people because they WON, didn’t they?

  • boyblue122
  • whitroth

    But he’s right! Terrorists have INVADED THIS COUNTRY!

    And their leader has invested himself at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “I am not a crook” – Richard Nixon, 1974
    “I am a not a bad person” – Donald Trump, 2017

    (Yeah, I know I posted it on the last thread…but this is a new thread!)

    • Sardonicuss

      After all this time (4 minutes) still checks out.

  • JohnBull

    This is that “personal responsibility” we’ve heard so much about.

  • Reximus
    • ltmcdies

      maybe it’s time for Mr. Costanza to get a cabinet position…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I think Tapper has already tapped the meme.

      • ltmcdies

        I think Katy Tur made a similar comment….great minds think alike

    • aureolaborealis

      The Airing of The Grievances.

      • guppy06

        The only feat of strength is the glue holding his “hair” on.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Watching this press conference is like watching a drunk man try to walk a straight line. He thinks he is walking straight, but he actually fell down 5 minutes ago.

  • coozledad

    I’ll have to wait for the sassy Trump version. it’s the only thing that makes it bearable.

  • MynameisBlarney
    • tomamitai

      Did Trump really say that he thinks Obama bugged the White House? I googled it and it seems to be a theory floating around among Trump supporters on Reddit, but surely he couldn’t….oh, shit, I forgot that he accused Cruz’s dad of helping Oswald, so I guess he could be that nuts!

      • MynameisBlarney

        Biden: I’m planting a bunch of fake bugs all over the WH!
        Obama: Joe…
        Biden: He’ll never find the real ones

    • guppy06

      Where’s my gin? It’s 8 AM somewhere…

  • FDRliberal

    Even Trump’s creditor and leash holder Putin is shaking his fucking head at watching this fragile, unfit, narcissistic moron unsuccessfully trying to deal with the pressures of his job.

  • SweetDeeKat
    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Him, not you. Unless you are smelling burn’t toast

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Are we sure Trump isn’t just calling the Russians for the most tremendous 17th Century Czarist decorating tips? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e57de1dbd548e5228ddc601b7917ad759ca5cc034b2e9fa5ad558511f38a1448.jpg

    • The Wanderer

      The décor in that part of the White House is actually like that. I recall seeing stuff like that when I took a tour in 1987.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        The chandeliers in the White House are not that big. Someone should point this out to Donald, so he can have the BIGGEST ones.

    • Suttree

      That is classier than where he was. The lack of gold leaf makes it slightly better. I would do something about the draperies though.

    • Rags
  • ladyblug

    OMFG- get a straight jacket now!

  • YoBunnyBunny

    Slight OT, but since we’re on the topic Trumpian Presidentations. peep this nonsense here, during his presser with Bibi on Israel/Palestinian states.

    “I would like to see a deal be made. I think a deal will be made,” Trump said. “I know that every president would like to. Most of them have not started until late, because they never thought it was possible. And it wasn’t possible, because they didn’t do it.”

    “Bibi and I have known each other a long time,” Trump continued, using the Israeli leader’s nickname. “Smart man. Great negotiator. And I think we’re going to make a deal. It might be a bigger and better deal than people in this room even understand, so that’s a possibility.”

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2017/02/15/trump-tells-netanyahu-to-hold-back-on-west-bank-settlements/?utm_term=.c92bb65611ef

    What in the everloving fuck? I can’t believe I’m still shocked by how stupid the Piss Orange is.

    • Suttree

      A deal on what? He doesn’t even understand the two state solution.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        What on earth would make you think he doesn’t understand the two-state solution??? He very muchly understand. See:

        In his most extensive remarks as president about the chances for peace in the Middle East, Trump said he “could live with” either a separate Palestinian state or a unitary state as a peaceful outcome.

        “I want the one that both parties want,” he said.

        • tomamitai

          Of course he could live with it, because he won’t be living in Israel/Palestine. And “the one that both parties want” is that the other party would disappear.

          • YoBunnyBunny

            Piss Orange probably thinks a “mutually exclusive” arrangement is something both parties mutually agree on, right?

      • Jamoche

        He’s the wrong age to have seen the Afternoon Specials where every problem could be solved if people would just sit down and talk about it.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I think it was pretty clear that he had never even heard of the two state solution until maybe 5 minutes before he talked about it, if then.

    • V4Virginia, NASTY!

      He’s still talking like he’s gonna wave his magic wand (ew!) and MAGA. Like how he’s just gonna fix “the inner cities;” nobody’s ever done it, but he will, because he will!

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      If I spent a day talking the way Trump does, people I know would just assume I was drunk, people I don’t know would think I was crazy.

      • Boscoe

        Probably they’d think you had a stroke.

      • marxalot

        Before election day, I got really good at doing the Trump three-nouns-infinite-digressions spiel, though it did tend to make me dizzy.
        Afterward, it started giving me nosebleeds.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Imagine talking this way at a job interview.

    • Boscoe

      He IS definitely an overachiever in terms of being far, FAR worse than we even thought possible…

  • V4Virginia, NASTY!

    Watched that long clip, and holy shit, Batman! “All the stories are bad, but I won!”

    Does anyone else recall that “winning the election” part coming up a few months ago, or is it just me? Does he think every story for four years* to be “[Drumpf does something idiotic] but let’s remember, folks, HE WON!”?

    I keep wondering what color the sky is on his planet, and thinking, probably, plaid.

    *doubt it

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Paisley. Plaid is just too conventional for him, in spite of his “Scotch” heritage.

      • cmd resistor

        Both (The Wild and Crazy Guys from Czechoslovakia).

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I sit gleefully corrected!

    • marxalot

      Gold, of course.

  • eyelashviper

    “Clusterfuk” now has a new and much higher level of ##$!!@!!^^!! and only needs an image of the Raving Shitgibbon for a definition.
    I watched just a portion of the “press catastrophe” and now feel the need for an exorcism, shower, drink, meds, and maybe drano…
    Holey baby jebus, how will the planet survive?

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Is that “exorcism, shower, drink, meds and maybe drano” for Trump, or for you? Please tell me it’s not for you.

      • eyelashviper

        Sadly, for me, as the tRump is beyond help, needs to be quarantined from contact with any life forms.

  • boyblue122

    After Drumpf made his CBC comment they tweeted this out:

    https://twitter.com/OfficialCBC/status/832316384260526081

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    We listen to him and hear a blathering idiot. The people who voted for him listen to him and hear a strong leader who is putting the lamestream fake news media in its place. It’s frightening how far down the rabbit hole these people have gone. I hope if Democrats are ever in power again that we pass a law that knowingly spreading lies and bullshit is illegal. Sure, Fox News will be out of business, but I can live with that.

    • Claire

      And the worst part is listening to them say “That right there is how NORMAL people talk!” No, it’s not, you fucking morons. It’s how people talk when they only have the vaguest grasp of any form of communication beyond pointing and grunting.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        He sounds like he’s either drunk, or insane, and allegedly he doesn’t drink.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Actually, he stiffs people to take care of tuning the machines.

  • elviouslyqueer

    So basically what I learned from today’s presser: Cheeto Satan has exactly two responses to everything: Shut Up and Sit Down.

  • goonemeritus

    Every time I try to change my “tone” I run up against the rules for commenting.

  • andyshelt

    “This administration is running like a fine-tuned machine.”
    Donald Trump

    https://youtu.be/IWJ5pHiLVZM?t=6s

  • laughingnome

    This is going to be the most fun impeachment evah!

  • JoeChristmas

    I did not have phone sex with that autocrat!!1!

  • OrdinaryJoe
    • Latverian Diplomat

      Donald Trump libelz! No matter how much he fucks up, he’s still recognizably Donald Trump, unfortunately.

    • PubOption

      I assume that the slogan is an imperative.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Fuck. How can I draft a Section 4 letter when we don’t even have a cabinet yet?”
    — Mike Pence

  • Shoto

    “Yes, the leaks are of real classified information,…but the stories based on the leaks are completely fake.”

    There’s some real fancy reasoning going on, right there. He’s totally qualified to teach at Home School and/or Trump U.

  • ImPEECH!

    Shorter Trump: “I AM VLAD ABOUT A THING”

  • laughingnome

    Nuclear codes in those twitchy little hands folks.

  • Miles Monroe

    Short day, huh, Dok? This stuff just writes itself!

  • Reximus
    • FukuiSanYesOta

      That is AMAZING

      • Villago Delenda Est

        And so very on target

        • Shirleyareichert

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !di194c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !di194c:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs484MarketPowerGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!di194c:….,……..

  • DuchessD’Orleans

    He said Flynn was just “doing his job.” A lot like how his second wife was just doing her job, except at the time that was still his 1st wife’s job.

    • georgiaburning

      BURNED

  • Raan

    Can we just buy him a bunch of Kinder eggs and hope he doesn’t know there’s a plastic toy inside?

  • Jgb979

    He’s just passionately breathtakingly stupid. A president to huff paint with if you will.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I prefer to consort with a higher class of paint huffers, whenever I uncap a fresh can.

  • laughingnome

    If anyone is going to heckle Hair Farce One in Florida this weekend here’s a chant:
    Section 4
    Section 4
    Section 4

  • Latverian Diplomat

    This just in: Mike Pence solves Trump problem with Virtual Reality headset, krazy glue.

  • FlownOver

    Reporter April Ryan asked if he’d include the Congressional Black Caucus in his plans for fixing the inner cities, and so naturally Trump asked her to arrange a meeting with them, to which Ryan pointed out “I’m a reporter.”

    I thought “they” all knew each other.

    • ltmcdies

      fuck…fuck….fuck….fuck….

    • cmd resistor

      I guess you do miss a few things just reading the transcripts. But I can’t watch.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      She’s a female. He wasn’t looking at her face, so he didn’t recognize her.

      I had a landlord like that once. He spent every conversation staring right at my breasts. It was sickening. Maybe all the reporters should spend every press conference staring at Donald’s. . . hands.

      • Erala Contratista

        Or the end of that doofus tie/bib.

  • Hutch

    Regarding the “well-tuned machine” brag:
    https://twitter.com/MJMcKean/status/832295352262864896

  • OrdinaryJoe

    I’m calling him *5150 from now on, not *45. I’ve seen people not 1/2 as bad get into a 48 hour hold.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Well, we sure can pick ’em, I tell you what.”
    — A Trumpkin

    • Crank Tango

      Whatever happened to all the Rs that said they weren’t gonna vote for him? Was that fake news too? Where R they now?????

      • Latverian Diplomat

        James Comey convinced them?

        • Crank Tango

          Must be.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Maybe less “convinced” than “gave them cover”? I really don’t know how those people think.

  • Me not sure

    Just had my taxes done. The idea of sending cash to this addle pated, ball twiddling, tax dodger has left my fists in a permanent clinch all day. Sombody get me a beer.

    • Fartknocker

      One bourbon
      One scotch
      One beer

      John Lee Hooker

      • Erala Contratista

        And a pig foot!

      • Me not sure

        John Lee Hooker! I feel a little better already.

  • marxalot

    To be fair, he never said what kind of finely-tuned machine. It could be a finely tuned Higgledy-Pigginator, or Chaos Engine, or Rube Goldberg Device, or SAAB.

  • amb310

    I don’t see an out that won’t be horrific in some way

  • CripesAmighty

    Thing is, unstable, paranoid, aggrieved and vindictive are all difficult traits to deal with. But when combined with bone-stupid and weaponized with this level of power are just gobsmacking.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Is there such a thing as malignant incompetence? Did the book “The Peter Principle” mention this?

      • CripesAmighty

        If’n there wudn’t, there sure is, now.

  • Crank Tango

    Ten bucks says Chump pardons himself, quits, and leaves everyone else to pick up the pieces within 2 months.

  • AustenFuego

    Been said a million times but it deserves repeating: It’s the comedians I feel the worst for…how do you make fun of something this absurd?

    • Jamoche

      It’s like the folks who did the Jack Chick “Dark Dungeons” movie – you play it straight and let the absurdity speak for itself.

      • Raan

        Or, in a variation, you can just read his statements and mug for the camera.

  • msanthropesmr

    Fucking Trump broke disCus broker.

  • Nounverb911
  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Polls find wildly different results on Trump:
    http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/319927-rasmussen-pew-find-wildly-different-trump-approval-ratings

    I hope that the poll that says he has a 56% DISapproval rating is the correct poll, and not Rasmussen that has him at a 55% approval rating. .

    • Crank Tango

      LOL yeah I can’t buy 55.

      • MynameisBlarney

        55% of old white people that voted for trump maybe.

        • Crank Tango

          yeah when I read “voters” I saw it as “chump voters”.

      • Pilotshark

        yep, it is also hard for me to drive 55 as well, dam took me close to 16 hours to get to LA.

        • Crank Tango

          Thank you.

    • Vincent Ricola

      306 ELECTORAL VOTES!!1!!1

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I’m still shocked he got that many, even though that’s lower than most presidents have gotten in the past few decades.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Well, we still haven’t heard any details on how Russia hacked the election. I’m keeping an open mind on those electoral votes.

    • ImpureScience

      Gallup has more or less the same results as Pew: http://www.gallup.com/poll/201617/gallup-daily-trump-job-approval.aspx

    • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

      Rasmussen famously not reliable.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    The nice thing about time machines, is it’s never to late to go back and undo this mess. Anyone got one?

    • clairence

      I understand Obama had one. That’s how he got his birth announcement in the Hawaii paper.

    • Crank Tango

      Yeah but it’s all fun and games until somebody bangs gramma.

      I guess we don’t have to go back THAT far tho do we.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I have one, but the butterfly effect valve is stuck. I don’t even know what planet this is anymore.

    • Serai 1

      *sigh* Good gods, do we have to keep re-releasing the memo?

      Please IATT Bulletin 1147, people. The rules are there for a reason!

      • Raan

        What about going back and trying to make Fred Trump less of a racist piece of shit?

  • Fartknocker

    So I’m guessing this didn’t go well for Dampnut based on the Wonkette machine. I guess this means that in the 2020 election the GOP theme will be:

    VOTE FOR ME! I’M BETTER THAN TRUMP!!!
    (Copyright Fartknocker – pay the royalty bitches)

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Jeeze, you just scared me half to death thinking about that. Jumpin Jehoshaphat, that would be truly awful.

    • Résistance Land Shark

      VOTE FOR ME! I’M BETTER WAY THAN TRUMP!!!®

      pay up.

  • BMW

    Shorter Trump Press Conference

    Reporter 1: This is my question.

    Trump: Answers unrelated question and lies 3 times.

    Reporter 2: What did you mean by lies 1, 2, and 3?

    Trump: I never said that, you’re a bad reporter for asking. Also, I won the election because I’m awesome and you’re stupid.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    It is a sad day in America when our president gets up in front of the whole world to play the “I’m the victim here” card.

    • Crank Tango

      Both sides do it.

      • Anna Rompage

        Thanks Obama… :/

        • ltmcdies

          yes…we all remember Obama “poor me’ing” his way through pressers…

          actually …no I don’t

          • Crank Tango

            That just shows how deep the coverup goes!

        • Crank Tango

          I remember that famous speech by Demoncrat Richard Nixon crying about not having him to kick around anymore.

          • CripesAmighty

            Or ‘Checkers’, where Pat’s not giving up her respectable cloth coat.

            Thing is, Dick had the same persecution complex and vindictive streak, but he was a ferocious intellect, and actually had governing principles.

      • Vincent Ricola

        He inherited it.

        • Crank Tango

          Obama started a new cold war! Who needs a cool president anyway?!

      • Latverian Diplomat

        There was in fact a “both sides do it” type of article in the Post about how Obama’s press conferences were boring lectures compared to Trump’s admirable “brevity”. So yes, different flaw, but equally wrong, obviously.

        https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/obama-lectured-trump-declares-the-big-difference-between-a-trump-and-obama-news-conference/2017/02/15/8a4c6138-f3a9-11e6-8d72-263470bf0401_story.html?utm_term=.c6c6ba32da76

        Also too, fuck the Post

  • Thaumaturgist

    Noun, verb, 306.

    • marxalot

      404, noun, verb, not found.

    • Sister the Persister

      Excellent, sir and/or madam!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Next one he’ll be talking in the third person: “And Donald J. Trump won the popular vote but they shipped aliens from New Jersey to vote in all the Long Island pooling places and you know they didn’t vote for Donald J. Trump.”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      They shipped aliens from Alpha Centauri. Who did vote for Trump.

    • The Wanderer

      The aliens landed in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, and they all have the first name John.

  • Sister the Persister

    Of all the strange, strange things reported above, I think Trump asking reporter April Ryan to arrange a meeting is the strangest of all. However, it’s a rather competitive field.

    • laughingnome

      Well, because she is Black she must be in with the Congressional Black Caucus. It’s just Trumpian logic.

    • Vincent Ricola

      It was definitely one of the top 5 most offensive moments for me as a home viewer.

    • ltmcdies
    • laughingnome

      Didn’t he also compliment her on how professional she was? Seemed very patronizing.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Did he remind her to bring her pussy?

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Holy crapoli

  • Hutch

    This is what we were afraid of if McCain/Palin had been elected and McCain bought the farm. President Palin and this level of incompetence. Would she have done any worse?

    • o’look Skwerl!

      She would quit in the first week.

      • Hutch

        After this presser, I think Trump may flame out by the end of the month!

    • Thaumaturgist

      Sarah may have been able to see Russia from her front porch but Sarah is a small time grifter who owes nothing to Volodya. O t o h, the First Gentleman has nothing on Ivanka.

    • snark-lurker

      the corruption is not so bigly in Sarah so no, yeah she would-a been better

      • Hutch

        First I’m pining for W, and now (and you’re right) I believe Palin could have been a better president.

        Lord forgive us and protect us; we’ve been drinking whiskey fore breakfast.

        • snark-lurker

          i donut pine for W because War Crimes mass-murderer x 10,000 & you could say Hooch is your new handle

    • CripesAmighty

      Not even close. All the dumth, but none of the malevolence.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Well, to Arctic Barbie’s credit she did at least have a half-term’s worth of governating experience. I almost feel like she would pass for being minimally competent (as if that’s a good thing).

      Wow, I just said that their might be someone less competent than Palin.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      She would probably have resigned halfway through her term of office for a TV series.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Trump’s administration is running like a well built machine….if that machine was built in North Korea.

    • Reximus

      that’s the kind of A-1 know-how you need to run 6 casinos into bankruptcy

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        And you don’t find that just anywhere.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      It’s not a Trump train, it’s a Trump Trabant!

  • Reximus
    • Crank Tango
      • snark-lurker

        o…m…g…

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      I feel like this sums up an awful lot about America right now.

    • Sandy Beaches

      The resemblance is simply uncanny

    • calliecallie

      That is not a very attractive Russian pee hooker.

  • CripesAmighty

    Welp, for everyone who wondered what would happen if 60 million people all went, ‘hold mah beer’ at once…

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    So, THIS is what winning looks like? Sad!

  • MynameisBlarney

    So, this happened while turmp made fart sounds on the teevee.

    http://twimage.net/tweet/832304152810225665

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Leaks are fine when they come from Russian hookers.

  • marxalot

    Is it possible he’s had a stroke, or a series of strokes, and no one has noticed?

    • Angela Ruzzo

      It’s possible, but I think it’s just Donald being Donald. He was always loony. Twenty years ago he was a jackass and a laughing stock. He’s just better at it now.

      • SayItWithOtters

        But he used to be able to speak in complete sentences. Even that Sam Bee segment about the Scottish haters had footage of him testifying a decade or so ago and he sounded 10x more coherent.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Perhaps he had a script to read from at that testimonial. Some people become quite incoherent when they have to speak impromptu. Even I, who am extremely brilliant and amazingly articulate, will sometimes do poorly if I ad lib in front of an audience. 😉

  • Vagenda and Pee-ara

    Does anyone think this insane moron has a chance of getting re-elected?*
    Second question: Does anyone think there’s any way he manages to start to govern decently?

    *assumes he doesn’t get impeached in first three months in office

    • Vincent Ricola

      Nope. Not even a little.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        Re-election, or good at governing, or both?

        • Vincent Ricola

          Both.

    • msanthropesmr

      You’re assuming America still exists.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        You know what they say about assumptions!

    • canes_pugnaces

      I do. Because he is going to fix the inner cities and bring back jobs, send all the dark people away, and get rid of the press. Maybe even get rid of NY, LA and Chicago.

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        Gonna restart the coal mining industry.

    • An Outhouse for the Resistance

      define decently. He already thinks everything is fine.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I would say “George W. Bush” levels of competency. Terrible, but doesn’t look like a burning garbage fire EVERY goddamned day.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Except for all the disasters he inherited from the previous administration. He’s gonna fix those problems.

    • Longstreet63

      Depends on how the war is going at the time.

    • Crank Tango

      I think possibly if the GOP moneymen start freaking out, and they bounce Bannon, lock Chump in the attic, and burn his phone, maybe things might mellow out.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        He’s already allowing them to dump toxic chemicals in streams, in his first month in office, so if he continues to allow the GOP to do whatever it wants to the country, I think they’ll be fine with him. If the rest of the world starts to isolate us, and the wealthy start to lose money, they MIGHT attempt to get rid of him.

        • Crank Tango

          Exactly. Nothing changes until they start losing money or maybe their polling tells them what a shitstorm the midterms are gonna be.

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I REALLY hope they get slaughtered in the midterms.

    • BMW

      My predictioms usually start from the premise that the world is sane, when it clearly is not.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Impeached is too much work…he will either be talked into resigning or have a lie down with Scalia’s pillow.

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I can see him being super bored in 6 months, and trying to figure out a way to quit, while blaming the media for making him quit.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Maybe the Star Trek folks can cast him in the next movie as “President of the Federation” and they can convince him it’s a promotion worth resigning for?

          • Vagenda and Pee-ara

            I was thinking that if there was a way we could fool him in to believing there was a bigger, yooger, classier job somewhere else, he’d quit. I couldn’t think of what that bigger job would be, but I think you’ve figured out the solution.

          • Jonny On Maui

            CEO of Umbrella Corp…

    • Jonny On Maui

      HAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha…

      Oh thank you! I needed that!

      • Vagenda and Pee-ara

        I’ll take that as a “no.” :-)

  • Rags

    If I had the time, I’d turn each of his answers into the form of a 4th grader’s essay and then redpencil the shit out of it. Feel free to take an exclusive license to all rights to this idea.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I’ve been thinking about translating them into German, retaining the insane syntax.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      You can have the rights to the idea, I’ll take the rights to the world’s entire supply of carmine dye. ‘Cause you’re gonna need it all.

    • NastyBossetti

      I’m turning them into found poems.

  • canes_pugnaces

    I am here again to point out to all you Snowflexs who don’t love, absolutely love love love el Presidente Trump… wait, where was I. Oh, right.

    Trump wasn’t unhinged. He was giving a demonstration on what a real hinge can do when it wins all he electoral votes in the universe. It swings wildly back and forth and the door that it supports breaks shit. That’s the media. He’s the hinge. A good hinge. The best hinge. Not an un hinge. But a bigly hinge. Not a door media.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Josh Marshall:
    //twitter.com/joshtpm/status/832290358570659842

    embed:

    We didn't know that Trump would be a key ally in preventing people from normalizing Trump.— Josh Marshall (@joshtpm) February 16, 2017

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Italy: And we thought Berlusconi was embarrassing.
    Canada: And we thought Rob Ford was embarrassing
    North Korea: And we think Kim Jong-Un is…um just the greatest leader ever!

  • o’look Skwerl!
  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    “Nuclear holocaust would be like no other. They are a very powerful nuclear country and so are we. But if we have a good relationship with Russia, believe me, that is as good thing, not a bad thing.”

    This man is not sane.

    Where are the fucking articles of impeachment?

    • Serai 1

      In order to impeach, you need a Congress willing to fucking do it.

      • ltmcdies

        at some god damn point even Paul Ryan might start worrying about nukes falling his god damn head.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          He may be too much an apparatchik to even care about the safety of his own family.

    • ltmcdies

      someone wrote out whatever the fuck this is about uraniumhttps://twitter.com/ditzkoff/status/832302949170868224

  • More_Cowbell

    I do think he’s crazy. But I also think this was an attempt to distract people from talking about his (copious, unending) connections to Russia.

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      Now they’ll add “crazy” to “Russian asset” …

  • ltmcdies

    and to make Donnie…the we don’t need to worry about white terrorists..Trump’s day even brighter
    https://twitter.com/ryanjreilly/status/832323636652568581

    • Blackest Noobs

      ah yes the triple chin army of racists.

      whatever happened to the really fit white supremacist….like did they all die off when the Nazis lost WWII?

      of course this shitbag needs a gun…you could have your grandmother lay him out….one punch and pow..he drops like a sack of potatoes.

      note to white shitbag supremacist….lay off the carbs.

      • ltmcdies

        they are having instagram pics taken of themselves indulging their milk fetish

        • Blackest Noobs

          got racism?

      • DL

        True Story: even at the height of Nazi Germany, they had to keep lowering their standards for what qualified as an Aryan superman (for the Nuremberg laws) because basically no one lived up to them.

      • Poorly Behaved Pérsistanista

        He’s gonna hate jail food.

        • Blackest Noobs

          oh no…no doritos or KFC

    • Wild Cat

      Shirley Stoller?

    • SayItWithOtters

      Walking definition of ubermensch, right there.

  • Jamoche

    Fact-checking with snark:

    Donald Trump Had His Most Batshit Press Conference Yet, And the Internet Reacted In Kind

    Welcome to day 27 in the hellfire that is the Donald Trump Administration!! We know, it feels like *much* longer than that. JK, that’s fake news because EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT GUYS NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

    http://www.hellbentpodcast.com/2017/02/16/donald-trump-had-his-most-batshit-press-conference-yet-and-the-internet-reacted-in-kind/

  • Blackest Noobs

    someone quick assassinate this asshole

    • ltmcdies

      with votes…with votes

      • Blackest Noobs

        ok or make it a really bad day for Trump November 9, 2018

    • Serai 1

      Won’t help. The GOP has been stacking this deck for years. Everyone in line is an unrepentant shitbag.

      • Blackest Noobs

        then Mars…hear me now….Mars ATTACK!!!!!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Perhaps the Vogons can save us…

        • tomamitai

          Or the small intestine of Grunthos the Flatulent.

    • DuchessD’Orleans

      WITH VOTES

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      With an arterial plaque that suddenly breaks off? These can’t form intent (…we think). And even if they can, they were part of him to begin with. So I think fatty corpuscles are OK under commenting rules, nein?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Don’t get our overlords in trouble!

    • Jim Johnson

      A Kickstarter for a guillotine manufacturing start-up? The cutting edge is sharpened with votes.

  • For those out there who are not US Americans, I congratulate you.

  • Ryan Denniston

    It’s like Downfall, except it’s to the point, and also filled with derp.

  • Loxley

    “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
    – Abraham Lincoln

    • Sandy Beaches

      Oh honey, that ship done sailed a LONG, LONG time ago

  • Ryan Denniston

    Trump, dude, you are the only one talking about losing to a girl!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Jesus, I hope it’s 100 days. Not 4 fucking years.

    • cmd resistor

      AND how she gave away 20% of our uranium to Russia.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Baldwin is sitting with SNL writers and they are trying to figure out if this was too crazy even for them.

    • ltmcdies

      they can do what Tina Fey did for Palin…just use the comments verbatim

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Someone on the Twitter Machine said today’s presser was the longest cold open in SNL history.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Jeezus. If he’s still in office two years from now, what are the pressers going to be like?

    {Trump walks in to press conference room. He sits down at a chair with no podium, unzips fly. He snaps his fingers at a CBN reporter and points to crotch}
    TRUMP: Blowjob, please. {CBN reporter scurries to obey}. Now, as you all know, I won the election by a thousand electoral points. That explosion in New York yesterday was nothing, just a passing concern. Who wants a hat?
    FOX NEWS REPORTER: Ooh, can I have it?
    TRUMP: You bet you can.
    ….

  • Reximus

    #deleteyourpresidency

  • Ryan Denniston

    So the press should be ashamed. Just like all those slutty women because they dressed that way and must have had it coming. Can’t be the leakers he could focus on.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Is the Daily Press Berating going to be an ongoing feature?

    • Vagenda and Pee-ara

      I find it frightening that the GOP has managed to convince half the voters in this country that the media isn’t real, unless it’s the Christian Broadcasting Corporation, or Fox News.

      • Suttree

        Real ‘Merka is apparently full of idiots and people so partisan that they will support this shit. I am waiting for their apologies before the world ends.

        • HogeyeGrex

          To quote Shelby Foote quoting Winfield Scott Hancock:

          “Wait a moment,” he said, and he smiled grimly as he spoke, “you’ll see them tumbling back.”

    • cmd resistor

      So if he does a freewheeling press conference, will Spicer still do his daily thingy?

      • tomamitai

        Until the coke runs out.

      • Suttree

        I believe he is thinking about Seppuku, if the check hasn’t cleared yet.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        “See, Spicey? This is how you do it.”
        /under his breath: “Loser.”

    • Suttree

      I want Spicer and KAC on right fucking now to explain this shit! Hehe. Tomorrow will be show.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Only until morale improves.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Only until they decide who gets to be in charge of the 5 Minutes Hate.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Somebody help me. What does the word “inchoate” mean?

    • laughingnome

      I can’t put my finger on it.

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      When babby (or other thing) is not yet fully formed. I think.

    • Roni Resistance Raven

      Only partly formed, in existence, or operation

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Somebody who hasn’t graduated from prep school yet?

      • BearDeLaOursistance

        Inchoate Rosemary: After the Icepick

  • elviouslyqueer

    Y’all, this bullshit right here. The only saving grace is that April Ryan’s exasperated side-eye could be seen from Neptune.

    https://www.facebook.com/nbcnightlynews/videos/10155141086488689/

    • V4Virginia, NASTY!

      I just KNOW Elijah Cummings was “all excited” to meet with this fucktard.

      • Longstreet63

        Yeah, he must have been so disappointed, given that Trump calls him every day and begs, BEGS to go out with him…

      • Msgr_MΩment

        You know he really wanted to ask Elijah if he could hook him up with some cheap coke.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Is his son-in-law out of town? Couldn’t he ask the Secret Service? Or Melania?

          • geoffalnutt

            Melania has come up with a delightful recipe for Polonium Tartlettes. (A whole pie was daunting). Maybe she can sully Donald’s stash, instead.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            I though she was a Slovenian Tartlette.

    • OrG

      child

      • Jim Johnson

        Man-baby at best.

    • ltmcdies

      not really sure even the Secret Service would stop April if she just walked over and smacked 45 upside the head with her notebook

      • elviouslyqueer

        “Somebody hold my earrings…”

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          And my shoes. I paid $600 for these pumps, and I ain’t gettin’ no blood on them.

      • snark-lurker

        if i wuz SS i wood NOT take a notebook for this OPOS

      • Doug Langley

        “You’ll never find a jury to convict me.”

    • cmd resistor

      That clip was actually quite good without sound (at work). The expressions on her face are priceless, and he just looks like a lunatic. I doubt the sound would add too much.

      • Finnabar87

        Does anyone truly believe Trump the Idiot asks to meet Cummings every day?

        If they do, please send them my way.

    • Finnabar87

      I can’t even.

    • Longstreet63

      Wow. If you haven’t watched the videos, just do that one. It just goes on and on in what is apparently an attempt to humiliate her.
      It is also clear that the only black congressman he knows by name is Cummings.

      • cmd resistor

        What about failing John Lewis?

        • Longstreet63

          Just another lightweight.

        • Msgr_MΩment

          “I prefer protesters who don’t get their heads bashed in.”

      • under_score

        Once again, projection. Complains about tone of the media. Berates media. His demeanor here is so disrespectful.

      • OneYieldRegular

        I think he had in mind Frederick Douglass. He’s tried to get a meeting, but goddammit, Douglass just flat out refuses to return his calls.

      • Doug Langley

        No thanks. Half a minute was more than enough to make me stabby.

        • folderol

          I think all who voted for Trump should watch that clip with their eyes peeled open, a la Clockwork Orange.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Sheila Jackson Lee (D) Texas. She is already distributing some bill to interrupt Trump’s “Winning.”

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      It’s Black History Month for a reason, people.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Because it’s the shortest month?

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      cause it’s a black person ,she must be part of the congressional black caucus.

      • Sandy Beaches

        She probably smokes Newports and drinks grape soda, too.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Purple drank LIBEL!

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Purple Drank ain’t no grape soda. :)

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          her neighborhood in D.C. must be “hell!”

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          And drinks 40s, probably Bull.

    • laughingnome

      Let’s see, he insulted Jews, Blacks, the media, the intelligence community, the foreign press, the women (just by being there), the judiciary, and CNN particularly. And, of course, our intelligence.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Don’t forget that he’d blow up that Russian ship offshore if he could. So basically the entire UN must be all, “Say what, bitch?”

      • Roni Resistance Raven

        But not Putin! NEVER Putin!

      • IdRatherBeDancing

        Humanity by merely breathing

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        Dog, the insult comic triumph

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      can’t wait to see cummings reaction to this statement, as well as “this might be dangerous for me politically”.

    • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

      Even fucking George fucking Wallace would not have insulted the entire African-American community like that. Fuck.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      “You people all know each other, right? Set up a meeting.” [*head desk head desk head desk*]

      • snark-lurker

        **are you quite finished?**

      • folderol

        There’s only five or six black people in the whole country. Of course they all know each other.

    • CripesAmighty

      Oh yeah. I heard that side-eye over the car radio.

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      How did every single fucking jaw in that room not hit the floor with an audible BANG right then?

    • Serai 1

      Jesus Christ, throwing that back on Cummings. What a vomitous piece of shit.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Trump is right. It is bad politics to meet with Trump.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Oh sweet Jesus — no words!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Goddesses forgive me, but I want to throw a shoe at him. With votes.

  • geoffalnutt

    I laughed so hard I dislocated my hip and broke a window! God knows where the cat went.

  • Jamoche

    https://twitter.com/kylebuchanan/status/832307577585229824?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
    Best “Wow, all righty then” gif ever – from FoxNews!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      This is my favorite thing today.

    • HogeyeGrex
      • calliecallie

        ICWYDT

    • Serai 1

      They’ve got a hell of a fucking nerve.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Post Ailes Fox, trying to stay relevant.

  • o’look Skwerl!

    So is Frederick Douglass in the Congressional Black Caucus?

    • CripesAmighty

      Have Stephen Eichmann call him to set up a meeting.

      • laughingnome

        Or Mike Mengele. One of my aides.

        • Sandy Beaches

          … great guy…went to Harvard Law School…got good grades…that’s all I know about him.

  • Ryan Denniston

    On the positive side, Preznit Racoon shaved 6 years off the impeachment process!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      On behalf of all Procyon-Americans, you take that back!

  • amb310

    I don’t know how the press corp people don’t flip their shit on him. I would be shouting back in like, two seconds.

    • Vincent Ricola

      I kept thinking that, too. I would’ve been cracking up laughing if I were in that press room.

    • Suttree

      They will have stun guns at the next presser.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      They see Bannon in the corner taking names. It’s amazing how that keeps them in line.

  • Reximus
  • CogitoErgoBibo

    I still can’t believe I heard all of that. Hillary has the right idea. Just wander in the woods all day. It’s soothing. Unlike the mental images of nuclear war that flash through my head box as he speaks. We miss you, Hillz!

  • fawkedifiknow

    I believe a sensible, competent medical prognosis for Trump would feature a brain aneurysm as a result of a rage fit. In fact, he may have already had one, which would explain a lot.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      He may have had one during this presser. Seriously.

    • Blackest Noobs

      crossing fingers…come on aneurysm….die mutherfucker die.

      • Msgr_MΩment

        A couple kilovotes should do it.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Being a belligerent, ignorant, self-important asshole isn’t really a medical condition. Many so called “healthy” people are much the same, they just don’t have the backing of Wall Street and Moscow.

      • Jukesgrrl

        I worked for a couple of them at a Fortune 100. You forgot to mention that they also have the attention span of a gnat (as Trump also does).

  • Did Trump actually say the ICE detainees were transported in ‘beautiful buses, the BEST!’ or was I hallucinating from consuming too much cheep dope over priced candy bars?

    • BearDeLaOursistance

      Trump Trains. To the east.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    This just in: Trump announces plan to shrink Electoral College to 305 votes. “My amazing record will never be broken” said Trump.

    • generalleeme

      Actually Trump ended up with 304 EC votes after to Washington state electors changed their votes.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Since Washington State went for Clinton, how would that reduce Trump’s total?

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    dear lord, what a shitshow.

    • Wild Cat

      No, that’s the NEXT Russian dossier . . .

      • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

        Smells like caviar for tyrants.

        • Notreelyhelping

          “Hey sweetie, you ever been to Cleveland?”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    So since the 2020 campaign starts on saturday, I guess that means no SCOTUS picks until the people have a chance to speak

    • Anna Rompage

      I say we wait until we have a president that has won both the electoral college, as well as the popular vote…

    • puredog

      I would love for some impertinent reporter to spring this concept on McConnell at a press conference.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    What if Donald J. Trump held a press conference and everybody shit their pants?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I thought that’s what just happened. brb gotta change my outfit.

    • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

      Alternatively, what if Donald J. Trump held a press conference and nobody else shit their pants?

    • Jennaratrix

      What if he held a press conference and no one fucking went? Or like that scene in Real Genius where all the seats in the lecture hall were filled with tape recorders (boom boxes, actually. Holy 80s,Batman).

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos
    • The Wanderer

      (chortles)

  • Ryan Denniston

    Jeepers, have they heard of booms? You can’t hear any of the questions!

    • snark-lurker

      by design

    • Anna Rompage

      Is that why Trump just kept repeating the same thing over and over and over again for over an hour?

  • Jamoche

    Trump not only thinks April Ryan is friends with all the other black people, he thinks she’s a “credit to her…” I can’t finish that, you know what it is:
    https://twitter.com/maggieserota/status/832305652177448960?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
    ‘”That was very professional and very good,” Trump to April Ryan, who has been covering the White House for over 20 years.’

    • OrdinaryJoe

      He forgot to mention she is articulate and well spoken.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        And clean.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          I was JUST going to say that. Get outta my head.

    • Longstreet63

      She didn’t say “M-F-er” even once while asking the question.

    • laughingnome

      She didn’t rap once.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Or ask for some motherfucking iced tea.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And she’s a woman so she’s automatically qualified for secretarial duties like setting up meetings for him.

      • Jamoche

        Shit, I missed that! Fractally wrong…

  • beingreleased

    My favorite question was when that reporter said: “Are you all right? You don’t look good Should I get you a glass of water, or call a doctor maybe?”

    • anwisok

      ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS????? Holy fuck, if you are. 0.o

  • Bebecca

    He asked April Ryan to set up that meeting because all black people know each other.

    • Little Lulu ResistanceFighter

      Exactly.

    • Anna Rompage

      Along with all looking alike, they must also all live under the same roof too…

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        In HELL. All us black people live in HELL.

        • Longstreet63

          Hey, what about black-on-black crime? Why doesn’t April fix that instead of asking upp–impertinent–questions?

        • BearDeLaOursistance

          There are black people in Topeka?!

        • Notreelyhelping

          I thought a bunch migrated north. Must be Fake History.

        • Dazza

          Well, budge up then, ’cause refugees & liberals are being bussed in, too. /sn

      • Jukesgrrl

        And have all the same opinions about everything.

    • ariel_gee_398

      He was later heard to have said that he wished he didn’t have to resort to asking her, but Mar-a-Lago doesn’t allow black caddies.

    • folderol

      He’s only ever SEEN a dozen or so black people. HOW MANY CAN THERE BE?

  • Ryan Denniston

    No wedding ring. Is that as sinister as Obama not wearing a flag pin?

    • The Wanderer

      Is it possible to make one that small?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Even a benzene ring would slip off those tiny hands.

      • Notreelyhelping

        For some reason, there are no wedding rings in the children’s section.

        • Longstreet63

          Check the Wal-mart in Arkansas.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Has Trump ever worn one?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I though wedding rings were for cucks and betas?

  • Vodka is a food group

    Caribou Barbie must have taught Twitler how to toss a MEAN word salad….. BTW…. Is it me? or has “mama gristle” gone quiet…… must be working on her parenting skills with Barstool

  • Jamoche

    Burn!
    https://twitter.com/OfficialCBC/status/832316384260526081
    “Hi, @realDonaldTrump. We’re the CBC. We sent you a letter on January 19, but you never wrote us back. Sad! Letter: http://bit.ly/2kD6FhQ

  • OrdinaryJoe

    You can be sure after that shit show that MI6 and the German FIS are on full lock down of any intel flowing to the US.

    • ltmcdies

      agreed…and if 45 thinks those leaks will stop…dream on, asshole…other countries are listening to yah too…

    • Jamoche
      • snark-lurker

        i should not upvote that but my clicky-thing finger could not be restrained

        • Longstreet63

          Yes, that. Disqus must be broken.

        • Thasmwm

          I shouldn’t hope at all, but hey, an evil part of me says, “it will be for the best.”

    • Longstreet63

      Well, probably for the stuff that’s true, yeah, but the entertaining stuff is probably getting sent on through. How could one resist?

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Mossad too. Don’t forget Mossad.

  • Jamoche

    Forget expedited TSA/customs if you’re Muslim: https://mic.com/articles/168606/us-customs-is-revoking-muslim-american-travelers-global-entry-cards-lawyers-say#.LwuVskOTA

    “US customs is revoking Muslim American travelers’ Global Entry cards, lawyers say”

    • beingreleased

      Do they at least get a refund?

      • Jamoche

        They have to get in line behind all the contractors.

    • Thasmwm

      Oh, my, they better NOT! I am a Muslim woman who has spent almost my ENTIRE life in the US, and I have one of those cards. The most dangerous thing I am capable of is going 10-15 miles above the speed limit on the highway driving on 95S on the way to Florida. They start doing that and I will become loud. What assholes. The reality is Trump has more in common with those nut jobs in Muslim countries who blame everything on the west than he has with mainstream Americans. It’s the same kind of mentality. Find an enemy, blame them for everything, demonize them and start attacking them.

      • Shucky Ducky

        Please go ahead and get loud at once, regardless. I think you’ve earned the right to a little shouty-shouty. And votes. And other citizens standing by your side.

        • Thasmwm

          Thank you, Shucky! I hope so. :) the US is my home, not just a place to live.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Trump’s own campaign staff leaked on him. Why would he think his presidential administration would be any different. Oh, I forgot. He thinks being president comes with magic powers.

    • laughingnome

      Everybody leaks on Trump. – Russian Hooker

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    The derp really has no bottom:

    Trump at some meeting with congressional members: “I’m negotiating a lot of contracts that are saving billions and billions of dollars for the American people and for all of us, and I’m very proud of it.”

    “– will anybody show up to that press conference? (Laughter.) Historically, they didn’t care about these things. For me, they show up. ”

    “The fake-news media doesn’t like talking about the economy; I never see anything about the stock market sets new records every day. I never see it.”

    “We’re giving a speech in Melbourne, Florida on Saturday. I think it’s going to be around 4 o’clock. and I hear the tickets, you can’t get them, but that’s okay. It’s better than you have too many, right?”

    “CONGRESSMAN COLLINS: Well, Mr. President, we’re all honored to be here. This is really our Trump caucus reconvening for the first time in a little bit, but our first meeting was the first part of March. Duncan Hunter and I both endorsed you on February 24th, a week from tomorrow. So it’s the one-year anniversary. But this is the Trump caucus, reconvening, and we’re just so honored you’re taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us.

    THE PRESIDENT: These are real friends.”

    “THE PRESIDENT: Well, I always said about President Obama, it’s great to play golf, but play golf with heads of countries. And, by the way, people like yourself, when you’re looking for votes, don’t play with your friends who you play with every week. (Laughter.) Does that make sense?”

    “Q Are you going to find some of those leakers, Mr. President?

    THE PRESIDENT: We’re going to find the leakers. We’re going to find the leakers. They’re going to pay a big price for leaking. It’s all about the leakers. You know the Russians are just a muse — it’s all about the leakers.”

    I wonder if muse was a typo or he really said it.

    • Jamoche

      Time for Weird Al to do a new “All about the benjamins” parody – “All about the leakers”.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Muse. Leakers. Pee hookers!

    • Crank Tango

      Our time is runnnnning out.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    THAT’S OUR HITLER!

    • Wild Cat

      Timothy Bottoms is available.

    • laughingnome

      Somehow I pictured him shorter and with a pronounced limp. And better hair. Oh well, you dance with the Hitler you got.

      • Wild Cat

        That’s what’s Ivanka said when she saw his genitalia.

    • mackafritz

      He’s too stupid to be Hitler.

  • MynameisBlarney

    I knew turmps presser seemed familiar…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgHXHtHSsNo

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Students, compare and contrast.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmgOfWMnMTc

    • ltmcdies

      I could just cry….miss you, Barry

      • Ryan Denniston

        Here’s a crazy idea. Watch West Wing and find terrific segments like this to get by. Oh, and stay mad and continue to keep the pressure on Cogress.

        • ltmcdies

          I’ll stay mad, I promise but I can’t do much in the way of pressuring congress from Canuckistan.

          I have made a donation or two to the ACLU…we can do that from here

    • Ryan Denniston

      Jesus, it’s amazing. The thoughtful, awkward pauses. That’s been there from the beginning. How did I miss that? And damn, why did I only become an Obama fan in 2013?

    • Jukesgrrl

      I can’t look. I’ll start crying again.

    • doktorzoom

      Who’s that young fella with the dark hair?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I had it more together when I was bed ridden with a severe stroke.”
    — Woodrow WIlson

    “I had it more together when I was in the early stages of alzheimers”
    — Ronald Reagan

    “I had it more together when I ‘choked on a pretzel’ if you know what I mean.”
    — W

    • laughingnome

      I had it more together when the second bullet hit.
      –JFK

      • Up In Smoke O’hontas

        Too soon!

      • Jennaratrix

        I should not have laughed at that. I did, but I should not have.

    • folderol

      “I had it more together after my 32nd day in office.”
      — William Henry Harrison

  • The Wanderer
  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Sure, I’m the one who gets vetted.”
    — Andy Puzder

  • OrG

    I don’t think this trump fellow is up to the job.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Now now, don’t be too hasty.

      • BlissfulScribbler

        Yeah, seriously man. Now’s the time for TOGETHERNESS! ::nudges ‘Lock Her Up!’ and racist Obama signs out of the frame::

        • puredog

          “END THE DIVISIVENESS MESS I INHERITED!”

    • claudette colbert

      Give him a chance!

    • azeyote

      doesn’t seem like anyone is really up to the job of leading an intervention to help him get to a padded room somewhere where he could be safe – even lowly alcoholics, and hopeless drug addicts have places to go where people care about them enough to help – you would think that with Trumps feeble grasp of reality that someone would care enough – just about anyone could – but nobody does –

    • puredog

      Me, I don’t think the boy is quite right.

    • folderol

      He shall NOT BE QUESTIONED! Just shut up and listen to what he tries to tell you.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    After watching that shit storm most of the Syria refugees are probably rethinking whether coming to the US is such a good idea.

    • Serai 1

      Refugees don’t get to choose where they go. A country is picked for them and that’s where they settle.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “Which is all part of their devious plan.”
        — A Trumpkin

    • Mack N. Nietzsche

      “You can stay here and possibly be killed by either your own government or Daesh, orrrrr you can go the the United States.”

      “We stay here.”

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    This is absolutely the worst version of the Wizard of Oz I have ever been subjected to. The Wicked Witch is blonde, the Wizard is orange and the flying monkeys are wearing swastikas. Who greenlit this, Pennsylvania?

    And the Munchikins are from Utah. Seriously?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Follow the Yellow Trick[le] Ho’s?

    • Longstreet63

      Which way to the Poppy Fields?
      Actually, the worst version of the Wizard of Oz is here: (In it’s most tolerable form)
      http://www.rifftrax.com/the-wonderful-land-of-oz
      but this one is a close second.

      • davidhollenshead

        OMFG !!!!
        Did children actually watch that movie or was it created solely for “enhanced interrogations” ???

    • Villago Delenda Est

      With assists from Michigan and Wisconsin.

  • Jukesgrrl

    How many times in that press conference did Trump say, “I’m telling you the truth,” or “Believe me.”? Shouldn’t we always assume our president is telling the truth? HA! In fact it’s the opposite. Every time he says that, it’s a clue that the sentence before it was a whopper. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing that. I’ll bet he’s a lousy poker player.

    • Jamoche

      To his credit, he doesn’t miss a beat when it comes to exhibiting the signs of a guilty person:
      https://www.rawstory.com/2017/02/veteran-public-defender-trump-is-exhibiting-all-of-the-12-most-common-signs-of-a-guilty-person/

    • Longstreet63

      He wins every pot when he plays with his staff.

    • Reximus

      A classic projection method every 5-yr old knows, “I’m telling the truth” = “I’m lying”

    • FrenchFriar

      He also likes “your ratings are poor” when he doesn’t like the question.

      • cmd resistor

        Remember when Obama used to do that all the time?

    • E K Wallace

      It works the other way around, too: every time he strenuously denies something, I start counting down the hours until it’s revealed to be true.

      Universe, when I said it would’ve been really interesting to watch something as insane as Watergate play out in real time, I wasn’t really looking for a response, and I especially wasn’t looking for “Challenge accepted.”

    • folderol

      Well, this sounds like a drinking game! Should he ever hold another press conference, count me in!

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    I know he’s supposed to be all cozy with the Ruskies, but this statement was one of the most nonchalant, scary as hell things he said:

    “The greatest thing I could do is shoot that ship that’s 30 miles offshore right out of the water,” Trump said, referring to a Russian spy vessel that has been lurking off the coast of Connecticut, not far from a key naval submarine base.

    “Everyone in this country’s going to say, ‘Oh, that’s great!’ ” Trump said. “It’s not great.” http://www.cnbc.com/2017/02/16/president-donald-trump-says-getting-along-with-russia-is-a-good-thing.html

    • Longstreet63

      The ship would not dare shoot back once fired on, of course. That’s the kind of target Trump prefers.

      • Jamoche

        Who could possibly shoot at all those EC votes?

    • mackafritz

      So, is it great or not great? Is there a point being made here?

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        AOT, K.

      • Mack N. Nietzsche

        It’s hard to make a point when you’re messed up on goofballs.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Are you A Oldz? I haven’t heard goofballs in a long, long time.

          • Markuserektus

            Vistaril/Demerol highball ;-)

      • Jamoche

        Would we be saying that shooting the ship would be great? That does seem like a Donnie idea. Or are we dirty traitors who think the ship being there is great? Or both!

    • Anna Rompage

      It’s kind of fucked up that he thinks many of us want to see a war with Russia… Why is it always all or nothing, black & white with these people?

      We don’t have to go to war with Russia to disapprove of their actions, and to be wary of our relationship with them…

      • mackafritz

        If it’s a SIGINT ship, couldn’t we blast it with his speeches? They’ll turn around and go home real quick.

        • Notreelyhelping

          They’re probably on the way now. This is a dry socket, comrade.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Hit ’em with some Kanye or that music Janet Reno played for the Branch Dividians. (I’d suggest Ted Nugent or Kid Rock, so those putzes would finally be doing something for their country, but the Russians might like that.)

          • puredog

            More worrisome, it would like violate the Geneva Convention.

      • davidhollenshead

        “Why is it always all or nothing” ???
        That depends on if Führer Trump gets what he wants or not.

  • proudgrampa

    He’s not even worth a FFS.

    For Cryin’ Out Loud.

  • claudette colbert

    Royally tucked we are

  • thewalkindude
  • anon_the_great

    ITMFA

  • mackafritz

    I wonder if even Watson could analyze his ramblings without short circuiting.

    • ariel_gee_398

      Trying might cause the machines to rise up against us. At this point, that might not be a bad thing.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Skynet’s gotta start somehow.

    • Doug Langley

      I tried feeding them to Google Translate, but the browser exploded.

  • Anna Rompage

    For as much as a cluster fuck as the press conference was today, don’t forget folks, do not watch the hand Trump is leading you to watch, rather watch what the other hand is doing…

    • Jamoche

      They’re so tiny, though. It’s hard to see.

    • davidhollenshead

      I’m much more concerned about the man behind the curtain, than I am of the Great & Powerful Wizard of OZ.

    • Brendan_M

      Ignore the one he’s jerking himself off with (306!); watch the one he’s jerking Putin/Wall Street/the Kochs/David Duke/the Religious Right off with.

    • Thasmwm

      Exactly. I can’t wait for what will be revealed tomorrow or the next day.

      • cmd resistor

        Some executive orders tomorrow, I think, for one. Plus, ignore the Russians.

        • Thasmwm

          We should come back here and post our “shock and awe” at his cleverness in once again distracting his base of idiots.

    • Darrell Imaginarian

      Yes his anti-Semetism really is a distraction at this juncture. He would rather you be talking about how racist he is.

    • folderol

      I am glad he explained to us peoples the terribleness of global nuclear war. I won’t be so cavalier about demanding it from now on.

  • Mack N. Nietzsche

    Aaaand he’s going to Florida for the third straight week-end…

    • beingreleased

      He likes throwing things at the foreigners on the It’s a Small World ride at Disney World.

      • davidhollenshead

        “things” ???
        I thought that he was banned for throwing poo…..

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “It’s a normal-sized world! Normal sized!”

    • FrenchFriar

      Signing exec orders and babbling like a loon must be exhausting. Time for some more vacation.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Given Florida’s shape, I think he’s compensating.

    • Thasmwm

      And, he will be going through May 4th or maybe even through May. Imagine, at more than $3m a pop. And, he had the nerve to criticize Obama.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        I’m guessing April 16, so he can pardon himself for his 2016 tax returns.

        • Thasmwm

          That’s true, and Uday and Qusay, Cersei, and Prince Jared Machiavelli, as well as the Hunchback of Breitbart, Bannon

    • Fartknocker

      At $3 million / weekend trip we at Wonketters deserves some of those sweet, sweet Soros points every time Dampnut goes to Miralax Lago.

      • Jamoche

        Is Melania staying in NYC? That doubles the cost right there.

  • Jamoche

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/02/demonstrably-unquestionably-100-percent-false-shep-smith-eviscerates-trumps-lie-filled-presser/

    ‘Demonstrably, unquestionably, 100 percent false!’: Shep Smith eviscerates Trump’s lie-filled presser

    “It’s sort of our job to let you know when things are said that aren’t true,” Smith began.

    Your job? At Fox? Since fucking when?

    • Serai 1

      It’s “sort of” your job? You’re not even fucking sure what you job is?

      • mackafritz

        How does Shep still have a job at Fox? Or is he the token dissenter?

        • magyar of infinite power

          I used to try to imagine what sort of sex tapes he had hidden away starring his bosses. Now I am absolutely horrified that they may become public.

    • puredog

      Operative words: “sort of”

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      When Fox says a Republican is lying, it means that they are really poor quality lies. The worst.

      • Truthiness2U

        Though it is just Shep. He has these moments of sanity once, and awhile. But it doesn’t stick, and it’s only sporadic, so really doesn’t count in the Fox-verse.

  • OddMan

    Jesus H. Christ dancing on a Ritz . . . Saturday Night Live could not have written a more bizarre and well, funnier skit, than what Lord Dampnut just did. Except it really is not that funny.
    Ha fucking ha.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They could be pretty much just go full Saturday Night Trump at this point.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Seth Meyers beat them to the punch.

      • Serai 1

        Cracked did a great podcast a couple of weeks ago, along the lines of The Talking Dead, where four movie geeks discussed that awesome series, The Trump Show, and the intriguing opening episode to its second season.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U0NhUg44cA

        A lot of people commented that it should be a weekly series. I hope they keep making them.

    • Serai 1

      Can’t wait for the nightlies. The writers’ rooms must be frantic.

  • Imagining DT’s army of sycophants after the presser telling him,”You did great boss! That was perfect!” And then their tongues swell to the size of iguanas, their eyes bulge and bleed, the ground beneath them opens up and one by one they are dragged into the underworld to suffer for the sin of helping He-Who-Should-Not-Have-Been-Elected. Would something like that happening be any more unbelievable than what we just saw at that press conference?

    • davidhollenshead

      I’m beginning to believe that justice will win, & Führer Trump will be tried for being the TRAITOR he clearly is.

  • Notreelyhelping

    I’m still stuck on the part where he asked the White House fucking press corp if they had heard of uranium. “See, they make big bombs out of it.”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Uranium. It’s amazing stuff. They have a whole table of stuff like that. They call them Elementaries, but they are not that simple, trust me.”
      — Donald Trump

      • Notreelyhelping

        “Except that hydrogen stuff. It’s only got one of those thingies flying around.”

        • Latverian Diplomat

          It does come in three flavors, deuterium, and um, strawberry and vanilla. Yeah, that’s it.”

          • Notreelyhelping

            And it’s got something to do with that heavy metal all the kids listen to.

          • Regret

            You all suck at impersonating Trump, your sentences each have one start and one end. You should speak as if, and remember, that was never true, my socks itch and, handling is taking, Bigly.

          • theCryptofishist

            Whatever did happen to Hairstrike Alpha? Hiding out somewhere?

      • Vel Venturi

        “I hear uranium is doing an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice.”

        • Latverian Diplomat

          “You worry about Uranium and I’ll worry about my ranium, OK? Next question.”

    • Serai 1

      He didn’t say that. Tell me he didn’t say that.

      • mackafritz

        Sad, but true.

      • Jamoche

        https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/16/us/politics/donald-trump-press-conference-transcript.html
        Transcript (and auto-fucking-playing video):

        ” You know what uranium is, right? This thing called nuclear weapons like lots of things are done with uranium including some bad things.”

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        Of course he did.

      • Truthiness2U

        He didn’t say that. That was too succinct and coherent. What he said was some rambling thing that eventually got to saying that, among other things, uranium is used in bad stuff.

        I can’t quote what he said. Reading it already lowered my IQ.

    • shastakoala

      What, is he trying to arrange a meeting with uranium?

      • Notreelyhelping

        Uranium. Yeah. She sounds kind of Eastern European. Hot!

    • Roadstergal

      I didn’t pay those hookers to uranium! CNN lies!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      That’s W level, weaponized dumb. Also US- Russia get into fight is big boom! The biggest!

      • AnniNoone

        I hated the shit out of W, but he looks like a goddamned statesman right now.

    • Doug Langley

      I can’t wait to hear him describe plutonium as a Disney cartoon.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    You know. There were probably lots of Germans in 1933 sitting around their radios listening to the ravings being spewed out at the Nuremberg Rally and they were feeling a lot like most of us right now: “He’s crazy, he won’t last.”

    • amb310

      LA LA LA STOP MAKING ME MORE TERRIFIED THAN I ALREADY AM LA LA LA

      • Jamoche

        We’re learning from their mistakes.

        • puredog

          Those who do remember history are doomed to have another drinkie.

          • theCryptofishist

            I should have become a metallurgist like my grandfather so I have a transferable skill when I’m forced to migrate.

            On a positive note, not only is pink worsted hard to come by, but there are no #8 knitting needles in my local Joann’s.

    • mackafritz

      “The establishment republicans can control him.”

    • Serai 1

      They didn’t have the internet.

  • LarryHoudini

    Um . . . are they still asking us to give him a chance?

    • mackafritz

      Like they gave Obama a chance?

      • Rick Hill

        They did! At least a whole twenty minutes or so after he won the election…

        • theCryptofishist

          Be fair. that pause was just until they found their jaws on the floor.

  • Rick Hill

    “…the cushy time Barack Obama had in his first month, when the economy was in freefall so he could just pass a big stimulus package.”

    Is it picking the nits to say that it was pretty much the global conomy that was in freefall, not just the US?

    • cmd resistor

      It was SO easy getting that stimulus passed, also, too.

    • Jamoche

      And all thanks to the action of Donnie and his ilk.

      • Rick Hill

        You mean donnie and his new cabinet? Why, that cannot be!

  • Jamoche

    Fingers crossed time:
    https://consumerist.com/2017/02/16/appeals-court-will-rehear-case-involving-constitutionality-of-consumer-financial-protection-bureau/
    Appeals Court Will Rehear Case Involving Constitutionality Of Consumer Financial Protection Bureau

    • Serai 1

      There’s a constitutionality problem about protecting American citizens from fraud?

      • Jamoche

        Keeping people from grifting as much as they want interferes with their pursuit of happiness.

        • Roni Resistance Raven

          Their religious freedom.

          • Jamoche

            “You cannot worship both God and mammon.”
            “Hmmm… OK, Mammon.”

      • Rick Hill

        Corporations are people, mah friend and depriving them of their basic right to take everything that’s yours is guaranteed in the conservative bible.

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        Because debt collectors and payday lenders are just honest, upstanding everyday Americans.

    • ariel_gee_398

      The fact that Republicans have so strenuously opposed the CFPB is all the proof anyone should ever need that they are not on the side of the working class.

  • Rick Hill

    So…basically trump HAS hit his Norman “Harry Mudd is lying” moment. He just doesn’t have logic circuits that overload and fry.

  • La Cieca

    All I can say is: what a fucking putz.

    • hennorama

      La Ciera — now, now.

      Andrew “The Puz” Puzder is already gone. There’s no need to kick him while he’s running out the door. ;-)

  • Jamoche

    https://twitter.com/KeithOlbermann/status/832343592446328834
    New Olbermann: “Are these people high or what?”

    • mackafritz

      I wish they were high. I just think they are stupidly evil.

      • theCryptofishist

        Yeah, but based on that, I think we’re going to be seeing no turn toward treatment in federal drug policy. He needs the votes.

    • NastyBossetti

      The question isn’t whether they’re all high, but on what? If it were just weed, they’d be a lot nicer.

      • Jamoche

        Coke and power.

        • IdRatherBeDancing

          Meth baby — coke be too classy of this lot of deplorables

      • puredog

        Seconal. Either that or they have a Qaalude connection and I am jelly.

      • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

        Crushed prescription amphetamines.

    • I Am Helpy

      Olbermann is mostly insufferable except during times like these, when he shines. His appearance on that infamous Letterman episode which McCain dropped out of was probably one of the single best moments of television I’ve ever seen.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Rethug spokesholes are all over cable now doing the Agnew hound from hell screech defending *45 from the unfair press and Dem delay tactics.

    • mackafritz

      What are Dems delaying? The repubs are in charge. They can ram these through if they wanted to.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        They are not there to make sense, they are there to make loud noises.

      • Jamoche

        Donnie’s so distracted by people not congratulating him on the EC vote that he hasn’t had time to choose anyone for over 600 of the empty positions.

    • hennorama

      OrdinaryJoe — for your consideration:

      #Dolt45

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      How’d that turn out for Agnew again?

    • The problem with saying “nattering nabobs of negativity” these days is Trump voters wouldn’t understand what any of those big words mean.

      • Mike Steele

        bless your heart! And then he wrote “effete corps of… snobs” Don’t recall if adj. was impudent or insolent; either way, it would have escapes the flying monkeys.

        • CATMAN

          That was Bill “nattering nabob of nonsense” Safire that wrote that speech not Agnew

          • PersianOregano

            But Spiro managed to deliver it coherently so there is that!

          • Mike Steele

            Stand corrected, as Spiro’s highest previous post had been w/Balto. Co.

  • Serai 1

    Farther down I posted a video called After the Trump, a fictional podcast that treats all of this as if it were a TV show. It looks like they’re making it a series! This just got posted:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWsNHAVPNWQ

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    Well, it’s like a said, and here’s just more proof, this administration has become the embodiment of “The Aristocrats”. …but less funny.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Apparently the Trumpenazis have a big rally this weekend in Florida. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7678d8b425a9cccc51701e17f4c0592eb7664c73c0ed6f7bc84a22c6714f4beb.jpg

    • DainBramage
      • Ducksworthy

        Nuremberg without the uniforms.

      • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

        The master race!

    • therblig

      i’m rooting for the alligators.

    • Doug Langley

      Who wants to tell Donnie most of them are protesters?

  • I Am Helpy
    • I Am Helpy

      Like, every part of it is insane, not just the bit where THE UNITED STATES forgot to book hotel rooms FOR THE FUCKING G-20

      • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

        I guess Trump’s people figured the hotels would hold rooms for them because…reasons?

        • Tacoclamgenda

          Well, sure, isn’t that how it’s done when you’re POTUS?

      • Ducksworthy

        Well they did fire all the competent staff at State.

        • I Am Helpy

          FAKE NEWS! Some of them quit of their own accord!

      • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

        There was no Trump Hotel so whatevs.

    • Alan

      Rhetorical question?

      • I Am Helpy

        Yes and no. There is surely an upper limit. Surely.

  • WIDTAP

    We have officially reached the Palin Threshold: the moment when SNL writers merely have to copy the transcript to the performer’s script, and hey-presto! boffo comedy script complete.

    • hennorama

      WIDTAP — imagine SNL doing Trump in complete deadpan, with an Obama-esque ‘Luther the Anger Translator,’ with Steven Miller as Luther.

      • Rick Hill

        More like Luther the coherency translator

        • Doug Langley

          I keep thinking Lex Luthor is lurking there somewhere.

    • wait! what?
  • OrdinaryJoe

    Well at least he didn’t tell Jake Turx, the reporter for Ami Magazine who asked about the rash of anti-Semitic incidents, “sit down jew boy.”

    • Brendan_M

      It was implied.

  • (((fka_donnie_d)))

    What’s that Donald? You are a humanoid personification of conservative memes and you’d like to keep running against Hillary for ever and ever?

  • Swampgas_Man

    What I fear are the local Letters-to-the-Editor people.There’s nothing Trump could do to make them turn against him or even consider that he’s lying, so I’m gonna have to read past their idiocies every damn day to get to the REAL comics section.

    • Mike Steele

      WRITE BACK – all day, every day.

  • ken_kukec

    That Russian “spy” ship is poised to dart up the Potomac in case Trump and his band of borscht-steeped, Stoli-pickled Russophiles in the West Wing decide they have to pull a Kim Philby/Guy Burgess/Cambridge Five mass defection while they can still get out.

    • theCryptofishist

      I beg your pardon, but that lot couldn’t get into Cambridge.

  • Ms.Moon

    Donald needs to have his press conferences on the weekends or during not so important tv time. My grandmother was so mad he interrupted her stories and when I called her she was hot about it. At least he did not preempt her Y&R but he did Bold and Beautiful and I think she’d get in her GH but she had many not nice words to say about him and incoherent ranting presser interrupting her stories.

    • Mike Steele

      Lady MS here: Actually, this is good news, as it will alienate half his fan base. Mercifully, MS can still catch his Brit sitcoms on PBS, with me shrieking in the next room.

  • Swampgas_Man

    What worries me is that Cheeto is obviously sleight-of-handing so Average Joe won’t pay attention when the Intel Community reveals the Hard Stuff. None so blind as them that gouge their eyes out pre-emptively.

  • Martin L

    “Kindler, gentler, definitely sane”—uh, nope!

  • Ducksworthy

    Thanks for esplaining that Doc. I tried listening to him but from all I could tell either Trump was having a stroke or I was.

  • Verena Block

    Maybe he’s confusing how the electoral college is counted with how a round of golf is scored.

  • Daru Titor

    The press conference was great, then some noisy blob of jelly from the stars appeared where the president should’ve been.

    • mailman27

      Has Melania become Lady Marmalade?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Beware the Ides of March! Too soon?

    • magyar of infinite power

      Just a few weeks

  • resistance_fighter_rosenbomb

    I tried to read the transcript, and then my brain melted. Thank FSM for wonket.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    OK. Look. I’ve been an RN for 40 years and a PhD Psych for 20. After working 15 years in Emergency, I have spent 25 working in Psych. Most of my work has been in or associated with teaching hospitals and clinics.

    It would be unethical to diagnose Mr. Trump without examining him. But Good Samaritan laws allow anyone to assist someone in distress. Those of us with a Health related licenses are required to help in many states.

    Mr. Trump is in distress. It is hard for him to concentrate, he is very sensitive to criticism, and is verbally combative at times. He has difficulty stringing sentences together, and complains frequently about potential or suspected enemies. He has a great need for approval.

    He may be having organic problems (early dementia, mini strokes, or other brain disease), medication problems (side effects, drug interaction problems), or psychiatric problems. Or any combination of the above.

    He needs to be evaluated. Invanka and Melania should push for it.

    • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

      In NC (don’t know psych law in other states) all you have to do is go to the magistrate in your county and tell them you want to petition someone for commitment, explain the symptoms that make them dangerous to them self or others. Then the deputy goes to find the person and take them to the ER for an evaluation by a physician.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Most states have some version of an Emergency Detention Warrant that can be sworn out by a family member or interested party (close friend, neighbor, clergy, etc.).
        After evaluation by an MD people can be held at least 24 hours in almost every state IF deemed a danger to themselves or others. Depends on the state.
        He doesn’t look dangerous, he looks distressed.

        • Unmutual Tetsu Kaba

          He looks damn dangerous to me.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Point taken.

      • Lefty Wright

        Trump definitely meets the criteria for a danger to others. On a massive scale.

    • Notreelyhelping

      I’m seldom (overtly) serious here, but I’m going give it go: how consistent are his symptoms with use of ADHD medications or other uppers? Especially for an older guy under extreme stress? I ask because I’ve seen rumors come and go, and I remember during the campaign that even his allies often worried about his lack of sleep.

      Not that I’m worried about a potential speed freak stressing out with half of the world’s nuclear weapons an arms-length away. Heard those drugs can, however, make you a bit on edge at times.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        It’s possible, but so are a myriad of things. That is why he needs a work up. It could be what you suggest, and it could just as easily be untreated ADHD.
        It could be all kinds of things. He is not acting like a normal 70 year old. He is also different from how he behaved 5 years ago on his TV show.

        • miss_grundy

          On his television show, those were short shots. Perhaps the out-takes would provide more information regarding his behavior.

          • Tacoclamgenda

            Go and look at interviews from years ago. Whatever you may think of him or what he said he was able to string together coherent sentences and had a reasonable vocabulary. Seriously, the comparison is dramatic.

    • wavicles

      I’d like to see him pushed… for it.

    • bluicebank

      Respectfully, I was only a little shit for parts of of my childhood, and personally knew a lot more little shits, which makes me an expert in the field.

      Donald Trump is a petulant child. “Cranky” is the technical term, which replaced “crybaby.” That’s my diagnosis. Treatment: send him to his room without his milk. Take the rest of the family on vacation after he cries himself to sleep.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I’m serious. I think he may be having health problems. BTW, acting like a petulant child at 70 is not normal, and sending him to his room won’t help. At 7? Worth a try. At 70? Something else in wrong.

        • bluicebank

          I know. But I’m trying to self-medicate with humor.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Cool cool. But you know if you sent him to his room early he would just stomp his feet and bang the wall.

    • miss_grundy

      He is returning to Jupiter, FL for another vacation and a rally. Ivanka or Melania should have him committed under Florida’s Baker Act.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Great idea. They still have time.
        They could just have the Presidential MD do a quick physical including a short mental status examination on Air Force 1 on the flight to Florida. No one would even know in the press or public.

    • Thankyou for saying this. I get slightly tired of people diagnosing Trump over the internet because they think its funny or something, when as you say, if someone in your profession did it, it would certainly be unethical.

      Would you say that people around Trump are neglecting medical duties or even just ethical ones towards him (as opposed to governmentally ethical of course)? It couldn’t be happening to a nicer guy, but still…

      Would those laws allow someone to do anything about it, or would it have to be someone’s initiative, say, Ivanka’s?

      • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

        Then again, why concern-troll Drumpf when straight trolling is so satisfying?

        • I don’t follow? Maybe its just been a long day. Wonkette’s waking me up..

          • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

            All this talk “His people are doing him a disservice because he must have health problems” could be read with a snarky tone of voice in one’s head. Then it reads like concern trolling.
            Sorry, thought I was being funny.

          • Oh, I think I see. I wasn’t being snarky though (well, apart from ‘it couldnt have happenes to a nicer guy’ of course) Its less about them doing him a disservice and more about the affect he could have on everyone.

          • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

            *SHUDDERS* tru dat.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            I’m the original concern troll on this. I don’t think anyone is doing a disservice to Mr. Trump. He does have some health problems. He is on medication. This may or may not have anything to do with his behavior.
            Respectfully, watch him on an old episode of The Apprentice. Then watch him today. He is different.

          • jodyleek

            The episodes of the Apprentice are edited. He could very well have been this way for a long time. Previous to the presidency, most people had only seen a closely managed and heavily edited version of him. Now we are seeing his behavior unbound. I agree he has mental health issues, but if these behaviors are long standing, as I suspect they are, those around him have become accostumed to it and have adapted to it. Pair that with money and paid staff that jump at his bidding and it creates an impenetrable wall (no pun intended) around him that not even his family can penetrate.

          • Jo Mathie

            He is. I work at a nursing home and have been a carer for my Grandma for the past ten years. It’s not armchair diagnosis to notice the obvious when you watch people displaying the same behavior. If he was just a family member then fine, it’s just mild management/keeping an eye out for them. This? Yeah. It’s been less than a month of Presidency?

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Exactly. I think he is high functioning, but being President at age 70 needs more than high function. I had the same concerns about Sen. Clinton at age 69, and Sen. Sanders at age 74.

          • The Flaming Carrot

            I noticed that, too. He’s always acted a bit daftly, but this is on an entirely different level.

          • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

            I’ll concede the point, if only because I am NOT watching that fucking show again. What I remember of it, though, was a lot of playing God on the part of His Orangeness, especially in the non-‘celebrity’ versions.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I really don’t know, when I practiced in Louisiana it had to be a relative or Helsth professional. Part of this had to do with committing a sitting Governor in the 1950s.
        Now I’m in Texas, and the law is more liberal, in that anyone with a clear interest can go to the court and request and EDW. The warrant is up to the Judge. Again this is only if he refuses help.
        I don’t know the law in DC. Clearly Melania or any of his adult children could file.
        I don’t think his staff are intentionally neglecting Mr. Trump in any way. I think they are all just too busy to notice. There are Emergency Medical teams near the President wherever he goes.
        In this situation (unlike his policy fiascos) I am not afraid of danger to the country. I am afraid he is ill in some way. I still think he is a POS ( not a World Health Organization recognized diagnosis), but I do want him to get any care he needs, if he needs care.

    • Tacoclamgenda

      Well and ethically done! I bow in your general direction.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Merci boucoup mon ami.

    • Rok E Raccoon

      Much respect for the work you do. I am sure it is very difficult to identify and treat the invisible wounds and illnesses of the mind. I’ve been interested in psychology since I found a book titled, ‘The Mentally Disturbed Teacher’ in the summer between my 7th and 8th grade. I used it several times for book reports in high school, much to the delight of my classmates and dismay of my teachers. I still remember a few terms from the book, Delusions of Grandeur and Delusions of Persecution, and DJT repeatedly exhibits both. I agree that he needs to be evaluated, but the chances that any family member would risk their ride on the gravy train by confronting him are slim and none.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Thank you. I don’t like most of Trump’s agenda, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him as a person.
        If you liked that book in Middle School you would like “The Myth of Mental Illness.” The book is from the 1970s, and should be cheap on Amazon, etc.

    • OppressedMass

      No, he’s always been like this–

      “Tony Schwartz — who ghost wrote Trump’s bestselling The Art of the Deal — ….called Trump “a living black hole” with the attention span of a “kindergartner…It’s impossible to keep him focused on any topic, other than his own self-aggrandizement, for more than a few minutes,”

      The Art of the Deal Came out in 1987. Trump may be brain-damaged, but it’s nothing new.

  • pgjack

    Trump puts so much stock in what he here’s at his rallies. Why doesn’t he have an open to the public rally here in Central California? Maybe that would clear some things up for him. But there is a chance his motorcade wouldn’t make it from the airport to whatever stadium was big enough to hold all the people who’d like to give him a piece of their mind. Lock him up!

    • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

      I thought Central California was Trump Country. Are the True Believers™ Growing disillusioned? I guess I’m thinking Central Vallry, not the coast.

      • Dee Andee

        I’d hazard a guess that the fact that Trump refused federal funds to California to help with the Oroville Dam crisis because ‘sanctuary cities’ might have turned a few more Californians against him by now.

        • Vagenda of Rebel Scum

          If they don’t blame the State and cities. That’s more like a Trump supporter.

        • theCryptofishist

          I thought he relented…
          Yup, LA Times has an approval on the 14th.

  • Alan

    I can’t watch this shitshow. Did he finish a sentence?

    • Notreelyhelping

      How do you mean “finish”? A couple of sentences he appeared to strangle with his own hands.

    • CripesAmighty

      I do not recall detecting any part of speech as organized as a ‘sentence’ anywhere in the presentation.

  • AJ Milne

    I’m willing to entertain the notion of course that this is at least in part distraction. Donnie throwing faeces to starve something else of oxygen…

    The Day Without Immigrants, maybe? Not something he’s really gonna want to see increasing solidarity on, considering what a general meltdown was a certain immigration order.

    … all this, again, possibly giving him and/or his handlers way too much credit. The alternate explanation being he’s actually as close to meltdown as did rather seem to be throbbing prominently behind his ‘No, rilly, I’m totes calm here; my eyes always twitch like this’ thing…

    And yet again: assuming his everybody pay attention to meeee stuff is entirely strategic may be the error. It may just be: yes, this is distraction, but it’s really just that he can’t stand even the _thought_ anyone other than him might get attention.

  • Shibusa

    “I know you can say, oh, Obamacare. I mean, they fill up our alleys with people that you wonder how they get there, but they are not the Republican people that our representatives are representing.”

    ~ President Easy-D at today’s news conference (WTF?!)

    • He just admitted with his mouth that Republicans are only representing other Republicans. Not indes, not dems, not libertarians, not greenies.
      Good, good for him to finally admit that out loud!

    • Grrrr…

      His sperm + Sarah Palin’s egg …

  • Dazza

    Oh my gods. Is he sane? I mean this as a serious question. I watched the media conference, and all I could conclude was that this is not someone who is in his right mind.

    • Darrell Imaginarian

      Number one, I am the least anti- Semitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life. And I am the least insane person anybody could even imagine. Believe me.

      • theCryptofishist

        Well, “least anti-Semitic” doesn’t actually mean he likes jews.

    • Snopes Shop

      No.

  • Jgb979

    And Flynn replacement already withdrawn…..

    He may still break William Henry Harrison’s shortest presidency ever record….

    • Rachel Book Harlot

      From your keyboard to the gods’ ears.

    • magyar of infinite power

      Damn, I took a nap and missed the replacement. Was it Condi Rice?

      • Jgb979

        Ha the brilliant razor sharp competency of team W aren’t coming anywhere near this shit show.

        Plus she’s a girl.

    • handyhippie65

      pence will be a fuck ton worse. he has a plan, and a goal, and we’re not part of it. well, mebbe as fuel for the fire.

      • Jgb979

        No doubt to any of that.

        But I’ll still sleep better knowing someone sane has the nuclear codes again.

        • handyhippie65

          mebbe so, but i will lose a lot of sleep waiting for the ministry of truth and blasphemy to come kick my door in.

      • Lily412

        Yeah, I’m concerned about that too.

  • Rachel Book Harlot

    If Flynn didn’t do anything wrong, then why did he feel the need to supposedly lie to Pence, and the FBI? I say “supposedly” because I’m pretty sure Flynn made that call with Trump’s approval and Pence’s knowledge.

    • Lily412

      I’m still not sure if I think Pence was involved. I think Trump’s camp picked him because he was a safe bet for GOPers to get behind. He walked in pretty late in the game. However, if new evidence came to light that he was in the know at the outset, I don’t think I’d be surprised.

  • Dee Andee
  • MeerkatsRMammals

    Ok…can someone help me with this? I am cornfused AF. The leaks are REAL. The reporting on those (real) leaks are FAKE. How can a story about a real thing be fake at the same time? This sounds like drunk logic.

    • magyar of infinite power

      It’s like the tides, you can’t explain it.

      • CripesAmighty

        They go in, they go out…

    • Shibusa

      My RWNJ Uncle Dave sent around an email about the presser–his thesis was: “Trump plays chess. The media plays checkers.” I can’t even.

      • LifelongLurker

        Trump is playing 52 pick-up.

      • handyhippie65

        more like trump plays russian roulette, and the media is playing the deer caught in the headlights.

      • CatCafe #ShePurrsisted

        More like Trump flings feces, and yells at the media for reporting on it

    • handyhippie65

      welcome to trump’s murika. we’re all just snakes eating our tails now.

      • theCryptofishist

        Mitgard LieBulllllzzzz!
        (Ouroborus, also, too.)

  • TootsStansbury

    I feel like I’m in the ending of Steven King’s ’11/22/1963′. The threads of time have unraveled and nothing makes any sense. Who’s been going back and forth buying hamburger?

  • akryan

    I wonder what the ratio of insane/incompetent it is that drives the words that come out of his mouth.

    • handyhippie65

      80/20?

      • Rickyphoo

        You are being very generous.

        • handyhippie65

          what can i say, i’m an optimist.

  • JustDon’tSayDieInJail
    • CripesAmighty

      Is there a way to install a rolling timer in 1sec. Intervals in that thing?

      • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

        Someone asks that almost every time I post it. Might be fun to animate it, but I don’t have those skillz.

      • Alan

        Well he does sleep. Until tweeter time at least.

  • CripesAmighty

    Okay, in the interest of preservation of sanity, we need a game for these things. Might I suggest
    “Big League Bonkers Batshit Bingo”?
    Enter space suggestions below:

    • JustDon’tSayDieInJail

      “believe me”

    • HazooToo

      “okay?”
      “amazing”
      “fake news”
      “unfair”
      “sad”
      “Hillary”
      “Obama”
      “Russia”
      “China”
      FREE SPACE: “electoral votes”

      • handyhippie65

        pussy, wherevers, ferret hat, youuuge, that’s all i got.

  • chascates

    Well, I definitely heard him say “big league” twice. But I’ll never know if he just articulated it because he was called out for actually saying ‘bigly’ or what.

    • Jessie’s Girl

      I heard “bigly”, was horrified (while chuckling uncomfortably), and missed everything else he said in that bit.

    • Sarah Balfour

      Every time he says ‘bigly’ I’m reminded of a poem from a book my mum had when she was very small (4 or 5).

      Someone’s torn the curtain
      And I think it must be me
      ‘Cause I climbed up to the window
      And the curtain caught my knee
      And then it wrapped my foot up
      And I heard a hole you see
      Auntie’s sure to notice
      ‘Cause it’s bigly as can be!

      She’s coming, I can hear her
      Up the stairs to have her tea,
      Oh I WISH i was the bigly hole
      And the bgly hole were me!

      Sadly, she can’t remember the title of the anthology (possibly Poems for Little Ones), nor the name of its author (Margaret someone possibly). My mother was born in Leeds (not that you’d never know, she’s no accent, unlike her younger brother) and many of the poems in the book were Yorkshire dialect.

      • chascates

        Trump’s mother was from Scotland. I wonder if ‘bigly’ is a known colloquialism. Also too “it’s a perfectly cromulent word.”

        • theCryptofishist

          Then maybe it’s embiggenly.

      • Grokenstein

        Found this by Googling the first three lines. An excerpt from the responses:

        I have this poem in an anthology called The Littlest One by Marion St John Adcock (Mrs Sidney H Webb), first published in 1914. The poem is called The Hole in the Curtain.

        Copies can be found online for around ten to twenty pounds.

        • Sarah Balfour

          I was kinda being rhetorical, not lazy. I’m just coming out of one of my ‘the entire world can fuck right off’ phases.

          I’ll have a couple of not bad days and then I’ll go under again.

  • Manders

    So, this rally: shitshow yet, or is it too soon to hope?

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      One of the primary reasons I am not super worried about this guy yet; the (original) Nazis had many flaws, but poor organization was not one of them.

  • Shibusa

    https://twitter.com/seanhannity/status/832331893785972736
    “alt-left propaganda media”? Srsly?

    • (((fka_donnie_d)))

      Oh, literally, who gives a shit anymore? Those who will masturbate to this shit will enjoy it all the more after seeing our disgust.

      • No, I do not think so. Hence why they whine, incessantly, about why we are not properly cowed.
        They know they have a not polished turd who is bad for the country
        Time to rub their faces in it and remind them what they did.

        • (((fka_donnie_d)))

          Their whining is their default mode. They can’t function unless they tell everyone that they’re the real victims. Even now, in power, they are still oppressed and prosecuted snowflakes. The major achievement of the left, sadly, is that it is almost impossible to get anything done politically without first asserting that somebody somewhere is being victimized.

    • Sean, get yer tongue out, you missed a spot!

      • (((fka_donnie_d)))

        There is that, however.

    • phoenix00

      When you’re as brainwashed as Hannity is, there’s an alt for everything.

  • mailman27

    This guy is so out of his depth.

  • Reba Burch

    I swear it’s only a matter of time before he strips and starts playing with himself…

    • DQKennard

      Just make sure both of his hands stay above the podium.

      • Reba Burch

        Lol

      • theCryptofishist

        Well, you know, tiny hands, tiny dick, they probably make contact only by accident…

    • Alan

      My grandma’s brother had to wear a id tag riveted on his wrist and be locked in his room at night. The police picked him up more than once wandering naked in sub-zero temperatures. This guy is close.

  • Greg Garvey

    I’m the least antisemitic guy you ever saw. You want antisemitic, getta load of Steve Bannon and Sebastian Gorka! Now those guys are antisemitic!

  • Dr. Strangelove’s Child

    He. Is. Fucking. Insane.
    I’m not being hyperbolic, it’s clear right now that he is delusional. Dangerously delusional. They need to invoke section 4 of the 25th Amendment YESTERDAY.
    THIS IS SURREAL…

    • Lily412

      I suggested elsewhere that he probably has narcissistic personality disorder. He’s incapable of accepting blame or responsibility for anything. He truly believes that all of his mistakes or failures were caused by someone or something else.

  • reelreeler

    Bing bing bong bong bing bing bing

    • phoenix00

      How real presidents act!

  • sadboy

    I remember when Dana Gould had a stand up routine about having an insane President. “My fellow Americans…GET THESE SPIDERS OFF ME!!!”

    Alas, we had no idea what the future held for us.

  • DQKennard

    Trump did say one accurate thing: that the media would say he ranted and raved at the press conference.

    • theCryptofishist

      The local paper used the word “surreal.” I don’t think Breton would have let him stay in the group for long, though.

  • Grrrr…

    Very impressive two-fer, Donnie: Ms. Ryan (as a woman) is basically a secretary — I mean, she’s carrying a steno pad, right? — and thus should set up the meeting with that “what is the name of the group?”; and Ms. Ryan (as a black person) naturally knows all the other black persons in the US. So proud of you…

  • jodyleek

    Unfortunately, the crazier he acts the more people will watch and the more popular he will think he is. On the upside, he can only keep ramping up his behavior for so long before he has a melt down or a heart attack.

    • theCryptofishist

      Or possible a melt attack or a heart down. Donnie is blazing new trails, after all.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Trump dismissed reports of contacts between his campaign and Russian intelligence during the presidential campaign as “fake news,” a “ruse,” and a “joke,” and said the New York Times’ report Wednesday had already, “as you all know,” been completely disproven.”

    The president of the U.S.A. is living in a goddamned fantasy world. We are so, so fucked.

    • theCryptofishist

      You know, Ludwig II (Bavaria, natch) lived in a fantasy world, and they’re still making money off those castles. By 2020 we’ll be begging to join Prussia.

  • flipdraw_mc_graw

    I’ll count myself lucky that I read transcripts and it’s always the voice of Alec Baldwin doing his Trumpression, therefore hy-larious.

  • Cismontane

    Just watched 40 minutes of this shite sandwich, and walked away with the conviction that we are completely and totally fracked.

  • freakishlypersistent

    What color is the sky where this delusional freak lives? He’s mentally ill, we need a yooooge butterfly net to yank him off the stage, yesterday. Holy fuck me running.

  • Brad H

    Orange Cheeto completely exceeds my tolerance for bullsh*t. When I’m watching the news and they break away to cover a news/press conference, I’ll give it about 30 seconds – and then turn the channel. I just can’t anymore. Someone could make a great “you rage you lose” compilation of Shitgibbon’s greatest hits: it’ll either generate millions of views or very, very few.

  • Shirleyareichert

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !di196c:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !di196c:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs485DirectPowerGetPaid$97/Hour ★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫★★★✫::::::!di196c:….,….

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Norwegian newspaper this morning: “It looked like a Monty Python sketch.”

    So I guess he nailed it.

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    CNN has zero fucks left to give.
    https://twitter.com/CNN/status/832392475432120326

    • Kip TW

      Not bad, but can he do the Lambeth Walk?

  • Robbertjan Brandenburg

    The leader of the Dutch democrat party (now 3th in the polls) just asked his followers on twitter if they could confirm if the Donald Trump account really has a blue checkmark because he still can fucking believe it to be true.

  • DahBoner

    If you say something twice, it’s twice as true….

    Twice as true, folks. I got no problem here. No problem here, trust me.
    http://cdn.pinknews.co.uk/images/2016/03/Trump-Hands_784x530_acf_cropped.jpg

    • lowkystmusic

      In the words of Deadpool, I bet you it feels bigger with hands like these.

  • The Flaming Carrot

    Go ahead, send the Illinois National Guard to my street, because it’s “worse than the Middle East.” The Guardsmen will be in serious danger – of falling asleep. ( I’m seriously thinking of suing this mf for Chicago real estate libelz).

    Naturally, no one should ever ever live at the Trump Tower because they will be assailed by sniper fire.

    • Joe T.

      I always thought that no one should live in Trump Tower in Chicago, ’cause the apartments are small for the price, it’s not the Gold Coast, and there are much better and nicer buildings in the East Loop. If one want’s to live in that area on the river, Marina City are much better and iconically Chicago, and priced to allow renovations to taste. Unlike dealing with Trump’s tackiness, and Trump’s taint.

      • The Flaming Carrot

        Also too, Marina Towers has the House of Blues.

        • Joe T.

          I saw PIL (with Lu Edmonds on guitar) and Peter Murphy (doing nothing but Bauhaus) there a few years ago. Great venue.

          • The Flaming Carrot

            It’s been more of a folk experience for me. A million years ago, I saw Rusted Root and Buckwheat Zydeco there. Not on the same day, of course.

      • ThatDale

        Trump’s taint? Thanks, bunches.

  • ez

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cfybc9IUMAAP46P.jpg

    speaking of whining, anyone else have a problem remaining logged in to Discus today?

  • Kgprophet

    So at one point during the press conference Trump made it clear that he was not going tell anyone about any plans to invade another country. How is everyone in our country with that? Our President has assured us that if we go to war, that he and only he will decide if our country is justified invading another country. Everyone should expect to wake up one morning and find out ‘Surprise!’ we are now at war with Iran.

  • Jgb979

    It’s as if America took a look at Charlie Sheen in the midst of a full blown manic coke and hooker “WINNING” rant and said “I want that guy to be president of the United States”

  • Mirful
  • mtn_socialist

    This administration is running like a fine-tuned spit-lubed machine.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    He hates leaks. Unless they are being taken by Russian hookers.

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