GOOD MORNING WONKERS! Hold on to your butts because this forehead slapping, stomach turning, toe curling shitshow just keeps getting better and better. Here’s some of the things we may be talking about today!
- People in Trump’s camp were speaking with Russian Intel agents for at least a year, and the “red flag” that tipped FBI investigators off was (no joke) Every. Time. Trump. Praised. Russia!
- In the fallout of Mike Flynn’s massive and unsurprising fuck up, Trump knew for weeks that Flynn was lying, which means they lied about his lying, and now NSC staffers are essentially being begged not to quit.
- South Carolina Sen. Tim Scott is one of four Republican Senators who aren’t blindly backing Andy Puzder for Labor Secretary as they want to know how hard Puzder beat his wife and screwed his employees before they make up their minds.
- Democrats are SUPER worried about their town halls devolving into chaos, and they’re hoping Bernie Sanders can calm things down.
- Underneath all the noise, scandal, and bizarre hand-jobs, Trump hasn’t really done much in office. Imagine that!
- The GOP could start beating themselves to death with red and black pens over Trump’s military build up as warhawks like John McCain clash with debt weasels like Ted Cruz. LET THERE BE BLOOD!
- Republicans want to investigate federal employees’ use of encrypted communications because they apparently have nothing better to do than to fuck with EPA staffers swapping dick jokes and saving climate data.
- The White House is compiling dossiers and threatening reporters, according to Omarosa Manigault, and we know this because the ghost of Richard Nixon has been taping conversations.
- Trump will abandon the Two-State Solution today when Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu sits down with Jared Kushner and President Bannon.
- Trump thinks Russia will give back Crimea to Ukraine, despite the fact that Russia says they ain’t given’ up shit. See? There’s proof that there’s no illegal contact!
- Idaho’s legislature has decided kids already have so much learning to do that state schools won’t teach K-12 students about climate change.
- Jason Chaffetz doesn’t want D.C. residents to legally kill themselves because Jesus might get sad.
- Yesterday, the Office of Government Ethics said it thinks Kellyanne Conway may have “violated standards of conduct” and deserves some good, old fashioned discipline for endorsing Ivanka Trump crap. This made Kellyanne so sad she had a pity party with Hannity.
- Those wacky folks at Morning Joe started yelling at the GOP and Donald Trump this morning, asking them to “Stop the BS.” Later, Mika hit Kellyanne Conway with a banhammer ’cause she’s such a liar! Of course Donald Trump immediately threw a hilarious fake news tantrum on Twitter.
- Here’s your late night wrap up!Seth Myers took A Closer Look at Mike Flyn’s Russian fetish, Trever Noah exposed Ivanka’s big boner for Justin Trudeau, and Colbert got to thinkering about why Congress critters were too busy yesterday with Christine Baranski and Mike Flyn’s Treason.
- And now, your morning Nice Time, KOALAS!
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