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UPDATE: HOAX HOAX HOAX HOAX HOAX! This will NOT be read at the inauguration. But it was fun while it lasted!

While Team Trump has had a heck of a time getting anyone to perform at his inauguration, he will be having an official inaugural poem read at the ceremony, a first for a Republican president. The poem was written especially for him by Vogon poet Joseph Charles McKenzie, who has neither a Wikipedia page about him, nor any books or chapbooks or anything available on Amazon. It is a very, very, very bad poem. It is possibly one of the worst poems I have ever heard in my life, and I grew up in the 1990s and spent a lot of time at coffee shops.

The only thing I could find out about this Joseph Charles McKenzie character is that some people on some Catholic message board thought he was “behind” a site called LayPopes.com. That site doesn’t exist anymore, so I cannot tell you what that was about. According to an article in the Independent about the poem, he is an American poet and a member of the Society of Classical Poets. They also say he is “celebrated” here, but by whom, we cannot be sure. I even asked a few of my poet friends if they’d ever heard of him, and they had not, so it’s not them.

However, he does have a website! Where he sells his poetic wares much as one would sell a product ending in “o-matic.”

screen-shot-2017-01-17-at-1-42-44-pm

His website also notes that he was on French TV one time, and that he translated a bunch of poems from the French Renaissance into Middle English, which was not a thing anyone wanted or that even made any sense, given that people stopped speaking Middle English at around the time the French Renaissance started. Basically that is about as useful as someone 400 years from now translating this poem that he just wrote into Esperanto.

The poem itself is meant to be an ode to Trump’s Scottish ancestry, and it’s received some press already over the fact that it refers to President Obama as a tyrant — but honestly, that is not even the dumbest part of it. It is a tale told by an idiot, about an idiot, and what it lacks in sound and fury, it makes up for in absolutely nothing.

So let’s take a look, shall we?

“Come out for the Domhnall, ye brave men and proud,
The scion of Torquil and best of MacLeod!
With purpose and strength he came down from his tower
To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.
Now the cry has gone up with a cheer from the crowd:
“Come out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!”

OH, so get it? Dohmnall is Donald, because it’s a SCOTTISH style po-em, and his mom’s maiden name is MacLeod, and Torquil McLeod was the first chief of the MacLeod of Lewis clan. McKenzie is, himself, the hoarse raven croaking the fatal entrance of Dohmnall under our battlements. Also, the tyrant is OBAMA, and his power is ill-gotten because he is a secret Kenyan Muslim. Or something!

When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains
And voices are silenced as misery reigns,
We’ll come out for a leader whose courage is true
Whose virtues are solid and long overdue.
For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd
Who elected the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

Oh yeah, boy, does he ever has some good virtues. He has all the best virtues. People love his virtues. Virtues like greed and adultery and grabbing women by the pussy and lying all of the time. Those are virtues now.

When crippling corruption polluted our nation
And plunged our economy into stagnation,
As self-righteous rogues took the opulent office
And plump politicians reneged on their promise
The forgotten continued to form a great crowd
That defended the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

YEAH, it sure is Obama’s fault for inheriting a recession! Damn him!

Next is where it gets REALLY good though.

The Domhnall’s a giver whilst others just take,
Ne’er gaining from that which his hands did not make.
A builder of buildings, employing good men,
He’s enriched many cities by factors of ten.
The honest and true gladly march with the crowd
Standing up for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now we are dead, because all of that is the exact opposite of true. And, while he has employed “good men,” we are sure, he has a habit of not paying them.

True friend of the migrant from both far and near,
He welcomes the worthy, but guards our frontier,
Lest a murderous horde, for whom hell is the norm,
Should threaten our lives and our nation deform.
We immigrants hasten to swell the great crowd.”
Coming out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

Unless they’re Muslim! Or from Syria! Or um, not an immigrant. Yeah, best if they’re not any kind of immigrant at all, unless they are a model who is planning to marry Donald Trump or let him grab their pussy. Also, um, Joseph Charles McKenzie was born in New Mexico, so I’m not really sure how he can say “we immigrants.”

Academe now lies dead, the old order rots,
No longer policing our words and our thoughts;
Its ignorant hirelings pretending to teach
Are backward in vision, sophomoric in speech.
Now we learnèd of mind add ourselves to the crowd
That cheers on the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

Three cheers for the death of academia! Yeah! Fuck all the smart people! They are the worst, huh? Always going around telling learnèd people not to use racial slurs, or something! Or being insulted when someone says something insulting to them! Yeah, we’re not gonna have to listen to smart people anymore, or pretend as if we were ever doing that in the first place! And, again, fuck smart people!

The black man, forgotten, in poverty dying,
The poor man, the sick man, with young children crying,
The soldier abroad and the mother who waits,
The young without work or behind prison gates,
The veterans, wounded, all welcome the crowd
That fights for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

This part is literally just a list of people who are going to be fucked by Donald Trump’s presidency.

If you are worried that he would not also get in a shot at feminists, you would be wrong.

Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps
Teach women to look and behave like us chaps,
The Domhnall defends the defenseless forlorn;
For, a woman’s first right is the right to be born.
Now the bonnie young lassies that fly to the crowd
Have a champion in Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

Thank GOODNESS Domhnall is here to teach all us bonnie young lassies of our true purpose — to be hot enough to make a man want to put a baby inside of us, and to then have that baby, whether we want one or not. Finally! Someone to rescue us all from the immense societal pressure to not conform to societal beauty standards! Someone who will stand up for the women who really want a thigh gap! Or for the men who really want a lady with thigh gap and have been deprived of one by feminists? I’m not sure. Who is it that’s supposed to be benefiting here?

OH. I get it. OK, so feminists, who are women, are preventing other women from achieving their lifelong dreams of being hot and popping out babies. Somehow! And they’re being forced to listen to us the same way all the academic people forced the “learnèd” Trumpians to not use racial slurs? I honestly don’t get how any of this works, and I also don’t recall any period within the last eight years when people stopped being racist or women who wanted to be baby-having sexpots neglected their dreams because they were so scared of us.

In conclusion, this po-em is completely insane and it’s weird that it is a real thing someone wrote. This once again proves my theory that the reason why liberals dominate things like poetry and the arts is not due to some kind of mafia-like stronghold we have on them, but because, for whatever reason, we are just a lot better at it. I guess if you are the kind of person who is dumb enough to think that Donald Trump is going to be great for black people, women, poor people and immigrants, this is the kind of thing you think makes for good poetry.

For a palate cleanser, please allow me to gift you with a much better poem, written by an actual true Scotsman, and read by Ron Swanson.

Update By Yr Doktor Zoom: HuffPo says the poem is a big ol’ fakey-fake, or at least that it’s not an official inaugural poem. Whether the perpetrator is truly a bad writer or a brilliant troll/con artist remains to be seen. See longer update at end of the Poetry Contest Post

[Independent]

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  • WiscoJoe

    There once was a man from Trump Tower
    Who suddenly came into power
    He was not legit
    His legacy shit
    He drowned in a huge golden shower

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      You should win an iPod or something for that.

  • Anna Rompage
    • msanthropesmr

      That shit don’t scan.

  • Honestly, the fact that a Trump poem doesn’t start “There once was a man from…” shocks the everloving fuck outta me.

  • Michael Smith

    “This once again proves my theory that the reason why liberals dominate things like poetry and the arts is not due to some kind of mafia-like stronghold we have on them, but because, for whatever reason, we are just a lot better at it.”

    I think its because good art comes from clear perception and honesty.

  • Michael R

    I think that I would like to see
    The video where the hookers pee

  • proudgrampa

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Rightwingnuts stink
    and Trump does, too!

    OK. Robert Burns it’s not.

  • yyyaz

    I, I … aye-yi-yi.

  • Rick Hill

    Corporate freedom to destroy all as they try to own
    Held back by regulatory chains

    Just needs proper translations

  • Lizzietish81

    The fiction that Obama was a tyrant is a perfect example of reality having a liberal bias.

    • mackafritz

      The weakest tyrant ever. He couldn’t even declare himself President for Life.

    • JMP

      The weird thing a lot of that poem would be fairly accurate if its was in 2009 and about Obama rescuing America from the mess Dick and Bush created.

  • Granny Sprinkles

    In case nobody beat me to it, he’s no Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings.

  • Wild Cat

    “I am a fierce neo-nazi
    Who will protect the Fatherland with
    Joanie and Chachi . . . “

  • baconzgood

    You don’t really expect Baconz to read this shite poem do you?

    • Wild Cat

      Yes, and we expect you to ham it up out loud.

      *ba da dum!*

      • Lance Thrustwell

        It’ll cure ya!

    • President in Exile Firefly

      Just don’t shank it.

  • Michael Smith

    Gives a whole new meaning to “no true Scotsman.”

    • o’look Skwerl!

      He obviously isn’t one.

      • Wild Cat

        Half-Kraut/Half-Haggis. 100% American slime.

  • memzilla Ω

    Now we learnèd of mind add ourselves to the crowd

    You would think this guy would have learnèd that he’s not gonna get paìd.

    • o’look Skwerl!

      He’s doing it for espouser.

  • doktorzoom
  • yyyaz

    Why not just have a tractor pull on the front lawn with 50-cent draft beers and a wet-t-shirt contest?

    • o’look Skwerl!

      Worked for Andrew Jackson.

    • That does sound significantly more enjoyable than this poem followed up by a wedding band and 3 doors down…

  • Michael R

    It sounds better the way the Freedom Kids do it ,
    but they starved to death waiting for Donald to pay them .

    https://s30.postimg.org/4u48l0d1t/freedom_kids_girls.jpg

    • Michael Smith

      One thing took forward to in 15 years or so is a “where are they now” about the Freedom Kids.

      • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

        Night clerks at the Flying J in Lake City, Florida just off I-75?

        • Suttree

          At least someone could write a short story about a clean, well-lighted place.

  • Sekhmet1

    That “poem shaped thing”, to quote a friend on FB, is so terrible I think I felt brain cells shrivel up in agony and die.

    • Randy Riddle

      Much the same way that a Thomas Kinkade work is a painting-shaped thing.

      • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

        First aid: apply cold water to burn.

  • Randy Riddle

    Does it mention sniveling weak-livered little snowflakes? If it doesn’t mention sniveling weak-livered little snowflakes, it’s probably not worthy of Trump’s inauguration.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.

    Yes–how dare Obama win the election twice without the help of Russian hackers!!!

    • WiscoJoe

      This poet is so polite he waited until after Obama was out of office before calling him illegitimate. Now that takes real class!

  • MynameisBlarney

    Och!
    In th’ cart wi’ye! Ye mangey git!

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

      Is that your sporran, or are you just happy to see me?

      • MynameisBlarney

        *wiggles extremely bushy eyebrows*

        Aye.

        • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

          *anticipatory tail-twitch*
          Men should wear kilts more. They’re comfortable, attractive, and oh-so-convenient!

  • WomanInTheResistance

    Dammit, I already used up all of my jokes. And this is a very bad poem.

  • Mavenmaven

    What did he rhyme with “orange”?

    • Cubanz

      “door hinge”?

    • ServantToTheStars

      Whorange?

    • YoNastyBunny

      Moron? Orange… Moron… slant rhyme.. yeah, that’s it. It slant rhymes.

  • WiscoJoe

    Well, it rhymes and sounds vaguely British, so it must be poetry.

  • marxalot

    Well! That was… uhm, I think my brain tried to dig its way to freedom, actually, does anyone have an Excedrin and some gauze, there’s a mess over here.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    And plump politicians reneged on their promise

    You might want to check out your Donald before you fat-shame other politicians. Just sayin’…

    • marxalot

      Also too, reneg shaming, either.

  • Manhattan123

    At this point, they’re just shitting with us, right? This whole thing is just an elaborate episode of Punk’D. Right?

  • To be fair, it probably sounds better in the original German.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Or better yet, Russian.

      • Suttree

        So their excuse will be, “It’s all google translate’s fault!”?

  • ViveLaPeésistance
    • o’look Skwerl!

      Long pig!

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Shh! That’s for the post-revolution barbecue.

    • MynameisBlarney

      And now, after having gazed upon this abomination…I shall never sleep again.

      • yyyaz

        Had my first shouty-til-you-wake-up nightmare in years just a couple nights ago. The zombies chasing me were nowhere near as scary as this, this Moreauvian hideity.

  • kareemachan

    I’m wondering if donnie the trumpette is thinking of himself as this:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/10f611326973dc5100667abcfb96e72abb72e84b04cd9e87cae5804eefa40a0a.jpg

  • The boy is a Gonagall of the Nac Mac Feegle, now if only he could master the mousepipes …

    • doktorzoom

      My reaction on reading this thing:

      WAILY, WAILY WAILY!

      • Dree your-r-r-r wierd

      • bobbert

        Have I no talked wi’ yeh about the “waily” thing?

  • doktorzoom

    Joseph Charles McKenzie is to Poetry as Jon McLaughlin is to painting. Hell, as Jon McLaughlin is to arc welding, probably.

    • Suttree

      John McNaughton? Or did I miss the joke?

      • doktorzoom

        Nope, just a brain fart. Tennessee/Kentucky get me every time, too.

    • memzilla Ω

      Robbie Burns would kick this guy right in the sporran.

      • arensb

        Oh, he shouldn’t do that: it might damage the flask of single malt in there.

    • msanthropesmr

      Wasn’t he in a jazz fusion band?

      • Paul

        Mahavishnu

        • msanthropesmr

          Bless you.

  • WomanInTheResistance
  • cmd resistor

    I realize they haven’t always had inaugural poems but has there ever been one that talks (badly or not) about what a great guy the prez is (allegedly?).

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Should nae he be kicked in the bawbag for this, an so close to Rabbie Burns Day?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Aye!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    The Domhnall’s a giver whilst others just take

    https://jillianakajill.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/spit-laugh.gif?w=535

  • President in Exile Firefly

    That slight perturbation in the earth’s rotation is Rabbie Burns spinning in his grave.

  • elviouslyqueer

    There once was a man, name of Trumpster
    Whose approval ratings they did slumpster.
    On the Twitter he cried
    Whilst his KaCa be-lied,
    and the White House transformed to a dumpster.

    /Ode Ode Ode

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    With luck, the sound of the bagpipes will drown out the reader and save him further embarrassment.

    • YoNastyBunny

      The only time that bagpipes would be welcome…

      • yyyaz

        You know that the Irish invented the ‘pipes. When they tired of them very quickly, the tribal leaders decided to send all of them to the Scots, who never got the joke.

  • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn
    • BrianW

      You had probably better keep this graphic on uploader speed dial, or whatever its equivalent is.

      • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

        I have a file of frequently-used images, it’s just not on this machine.

  • Have a champion in Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

    Where’s the Kurgan when you need him?

  • AngryKatie

    I wrote him a beautiful haiku.

    Short fingers, small brain
    Orange faced mother fucker
    Dead thing on head, sad

    • proudgrampa

      Well done!

      • Ljilan30uz

        I just received my first 5 figure pay this week! I’ve been working for this provider over the internet for roughly 2 years now, and I’ve never been happier… I get paid $95 per hour, and the best thing about it is that I am not that tech-savy, they simply called for basic knowledge of internet and basic typing skill… If you are seeking to work from home, and make decent pay each and every week, read here http://googlespecialjobs.weebly.com?es5t

    • elviouslyqueer

      Your Pulitzer, sir or madam.

      • AngryKatie

        That creative writing class in college finally pays off!

    • Andy_Kreiss

      You’re illiterate, and you won’t anything about it.

    • Noxious1

      LOL! Never heard of impeachment?

  • JMP

    Trump’s still no Connor MacLeod; fuck, he’s not even a Duncan MacLeod.

  • BadKitty904

    Given the taste and intellect of the incoming “Administration,” surely a limerick would be more appropriate.

    There once was traitor named Trump…

    • MynameisBlarney

      Whose changed name rhymed with chump…

      • Lance Thrustwell

        He won the election
        With lies and projection…

        • Sister Artemis

          (CANNOT believe you missed the opportunity to rhyme with “erection” right there….)

        • Jan_in_the_pan

          on this country, he’ll take a big dump

    • TJ Barke

      His own daughter he wanted to hump.

      • BadKitty904

        Ew.

        • TJ Barke

          No shit.

  • Tallmutha

    Is this excrescence actually going to be read at the inauguration? I haven’t actually seen any confirmation that it is. If so, I believe Barack and Michelle would be well within their rights to get up and leave at that point, and I defy any Trumpian lickspittle to come up with a reason to call it inappropriate.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I’m still hoping it’s some sort of prank, rumor, or thing they plan to change at the last minute. Not that the Trump Team is above this sort of thing, just that the the bit about Obama as a ‘tyrant’ might be seen as too over-the-top to be politically advantageous.

      • Tiny kaiju

        The feminist bashing won’t go over all that well either.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson
      • AngryKatie

        I understand the bind she’s in, and that it’s probably better she go than not.
        But goddamn do I wish she wouldn’t go.

        Not because of the message, but because I don’t think she should have to endure that.

    • JMP

      I imagine they’ll spend the whole thing laughing their asses off.

    • LucindathePook

      What would be interesting would be to see how they do respond. Not by tweeting or yelling or anything. Just the looks on the faces…….

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    Please tell me that now Obama feels it’s OK not to attend.

  • proudgrampa

    Putty. Putty. Putty.
    Green Putty – Grutty Peen.
    Grarmpitutty – Morning!
    Pridsummer – Grorning Utty!
    Discovery….. Oh.
    Putty?….. Armpit?
    Armpit….. Putty.
    Not even a particularly
    Nice shade of green.
    As I lick my armpit and shall agree,
    That this putty is very well green.

    Since we’re sharing bad poetry…

    • Still an improvement on the above.

    • tomamitai

      Include a cite or it’s plagiarisms!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!

    • LucindathePook

      Cement mixer, put-ti, put-ti)
      (Cement mixer, put-ti, put-ti)
      (Cement mixer, put-ti, put-ti)
      Puddle-dee-veet, concrete

      First you get some gravel
      Pour it in the vout
      To mix a mess o’ mortar
      You add cement and water
      See the mellow-roony come out
      Slurp, slurp, slurp

      -Slim Gaillard

    • It is with much lamentation and worrying dismay
      That we rrrregard the doleful prospect of Fairyland in considerrrable decay
      With quite a large number of drrrrrreadful incidents happening everrry day
      Including, I am sorrry to say, an aerial attack by otherwise quite attractive fey …

      Opening lines of a battle poem by Not-as-big-as-Medium-sized-Jock-but-bigger-than-Wee-Jock-Jock, Gonagall in training

    • yyyaz

      Thanks for making me chew off my left leg.

  • MΩebym

    “Whose virtues are solid and long overdue.”

    He’s full of shit?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Poetry? He needs a laxative.

  • WiscoJoe

    Any bets on on how long it takes Joseph Charles McKenzie to announce that this was all a miscommunication with the Trump team and he never actually agreed to attend the inauguration?

    • Suttree

      I’ll bet all of my pants, that by noon tomorrow, they try to put this down the memory hole.

      • WiscoJoe

        “It was just satire!”

        Or better yet, “Mr. McKenzie comes from New Mexico, so you can’t expect him to fully understand the intricacies of the English language.”

  • elviouslyqueer

    What? Was an interpretive dance reading of The Gas We Pass too classy?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    And I’m sad to be an American
    Though at least speech is still free
    And I won’t forget the protesters
    Who yelled at Trump with me

    And I gladly listen
    To real poets and hear what they will say
    Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land
    God help the USA

  • WiscoJoe

    OT: President Obama has commuted Chelsea Manning’s prison sentence.

    Talk about poetic justice! (But actual poetry, not this shit.)

    • Jennifer R

      Haha take that wingnuts.

    • Anna Rompage

      I do wish he would pardon Snowden, but it’s my understanding that he cannot since Snowden hasn’t gone through a trial and been found guilty of any crime

      • tomamitai

        Neither did Nixon, but Ford pardoned him.

      • Jennifer R

        He could let Peltier out too.

        • Sister Artemis

          YES!

        • Anna Rompage

          yes to this!

          • Jennifer R

            I’ve been saying this since I learned of Leonard in like 96. I fear I shall be left wanting on this issue.

    • boyblue123

      Doubt Ass-Ange keeps his end of the bargain

      https://twitter.com/wikileaks/status/819630102787059713

      • WiscoJoe

        A.) Assange never keeps his end of the bargain.

        B). That bargain was bullshit. There is no extradition to the US for Assange to agree to because the US has not charged him with anything. Sweden wanted to extradite him to face charges on rape, but the US has nothing to do with that.

        • boyblue123

          But now he gets called out on his BS no matter what. People get to see he was lying all along

          • WiscoJoe

            He can always claim that he fully agrees to US extradition (which doesn’t exist), but he still has to remain in hiding because Sweden still wants to extradite him. And his supporters will cheer him for his bravery.

            Also, it depends on what the definition of “clemency” is. Manning is set to be in prison until May 2017. I’m guessing Assange could always claim that it doesn’t count on clemency unless she is released immediately. And his supporters will cheer him for his honesty and wisdom.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        I want to use a curse word here, but I won’t. Assange needs to pay the dealer, thank you very much.

  • Anna Rompage

    more like

    Have a champion in Domhnall, the best of MacLoad in his pants

  • Lefty Frizzell

    It somehow fails to mention that The Domhnall is a mingin’, hackit, doaty jobby.

  • Granny Sprinkles

    You can’t even sing it to the tune of “The Yellow Rose of Texas”. Weak!

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    That is exactly the kind of poem I expect a middle-aged, middle class cishet white man to write, honestly. Also excuse any typos, I tore out my eyes after the first verse.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    And ISIS, we know they’re coming!
    Their swords now chipped and blunt
    But fear not! Who will bravely save us?
    Pres. Hoofwanking Bunglecunt

  • Jo Mathie

    “and best of MacLeod” that would be the immortal Connor you idiot “poet”

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!!

  • YoNastyBunny

    “OK, so feminists, who are women, are preventing other women from achieving their lifelong dreams of being hot and popping out babies.”

    Well, according to my survey of daytime network teevee, to include such esteemed shows as Maury Povich, I don’t think the feminists have been succeeding.

  • Crystalclear12

    I take it this poem is served with Scotch?
    It better be!!

  • we’re still here

    Orange McDonald is a racist wee man
    Like his daddy before him, who ran with the klan
    And now this sassenach is going to be Prezie,
    Oh, if only the bastard had been eaten by nessie.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh honestly. Wouldn’t it be easier just to run this on endless repeat on Friday?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJDp2UUW_iY

  • Snopes Shop

    Obama commuted Chelsea Mannings sentence

    • Martini Ambassador
    • Juan de Fuca

      Didn’t Assange say just the other day that he’d turn himself in if Manning was released?

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        When has Assange ever told the truth?

        • Juan de Fuca

          LOL. Good point. You got me there.

      • Snopes Shop

        Yes.. why yes he did.,.

      • You mean the Assange who went along when Lamo Manning over to the feds after he found out Chelsea wanted to transition?

        Check out this post Fellow Travellers by Marcus Ranum on Free Thought Blogs

        • Juan de Fuca

          Will do. Cheers for the link.

    • Snopes Shop

      Oh now what are the WikiBerners going to cry about now?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The continuing oppression of vile traitor Snowden, Vlad’s buttboy.

    • jesuswasablack

      Big mistake, Manning, Assange, Snowden should all be locked up, they are criminals with allegences to countries other than ours. It’s easy to feel sorry for Manning given her difficulty’s in a male prison but I say too fucking bad, when your a convicted felon you don’t get the civil right considerations of a law abiding citizen.

      • IOnlyLikeCats

        You don’t give up ALL your civil rights when you’re a prisoner. How is causing someone extreme mental duress OK because they’re a felon?

        • jesuswasablack

          It’s impossible to provide accommodations for transsexuals in prison, I understand we are all liberals here but surely you understand that most convicted felons are rat-fucking liars?

          • IOnlyLikeCats

            I understand that the system is screwed, and LGBT prisoners face the same atrocities prisoners do AND the atrocities LGBT people face everywhere. Not sure what you mean but accommodations can’t be provided + all prisoners are liars.

  • Albert E Short

    But wod old Vlad the giftie gie us
    Some prepaid hookers set to pee us

  • (Major_Major_Major)ly_Pissed

    An addendum, by me, (M^3)P:

    The greatest of responsibilities to Miracle Whip Micheal he did punt
    so that he might tweet like a hoofwanking bunglecunt

  • BigHorn

    What the fuck is a Vogon?

    • Jennifer R

      Read Hitchhiker’s

      • BigHorn

        It’s probably time again, it’s been 30 or so.

        • Jennifer R

          The Vogons are the aliens who want to bulldoze Earth for a galactic highway.

        • It’s always time to not Panic

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      I take it you don’t have your towel ready.

    • msanthropesmr

      If we’re lucky, they’ll destroy the Earth to make way for a bypass before the inauguration.

    • Pisciatoiojohn

      I think it’s an old Madonna song.

    • Vienna Woods
    • TJ Barke

      What the fuck is google?

      • BigHorn

        It’s a fucking search engine that almost completely lacks the ability to answer humorously.

  • ez

    I got the Phoebe Jeebies from that drivel.

  • Vienna Woods

    Oh my fucking god.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

    wha?
    *scratch scratch*
    I just had the worst dream…. Trump was president and he mandated that all the armed forces had to have gold uniforms. The horror!

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Leave the last word to Robbie Burns, who clearly had the inauguration speech in mind when he wrote:

    Ye see yon birkie, ca’d a lord,
    Wha struts, an’ stares, an’ a’ that;
    Tho’ hundreds worship at his word,
    He’s but a coof for a’ that:
    For a’ that, an’ a’ that,
    His ribband, star, an’ a’ that:
    The man o’ independent mind
    He looks an’ laughs at a’ that.

  • MAZS

    It’s Camelot 2.0 with this 21st century version of Robert Frost.

  • msanthropesmr

    Is his real name Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings?

    • msanthropesmr

      GMA beat me to it.

  • Bemused

    Besides being terribly Seussian, that poem has some pretty serious stylistic problems. First, his language usage is inconsistent, he can’t decide if he is going for an archaic style or modern language. Second, rhyming couplets, really? He should at least have gone for a sonnet if he wanted to rhyme. Third, even for a praise poem it’s thematically inconsistent. He can’t decide if he wants to show the heroism of his dear Domhnall or just berate the man’s enemies. Be consistent from stanza to stanza, dammit.

    (And then there is the actual message.)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So, D– on structural and technical issues, and no comment (bleech!) on the actual message.

      • Bemused

        Robyn did a fine job on critique of the actual message. (also, this is the first time in 20 years I’ve needed to use the lessons from my college poetry class. So hurray for bad poetry? :P )

        • foreign agitator Captain Kraut

          Thanks for doing this so I don’t have to. I’ve seen some bad poetry in my days, this isn’t even the worst, it’s just terribly ineptly done.
          If I had to critique it, the term “juvenile” would certainly make an appearance as well the helpful suggestion to go back to practicing writing poetry for another, oh, 30 years or so.

    • BigHorn

      To be fair, the Ranga Republican can’t usually decide whether to praise himself or run somebody else down either.

  • BrianW

    Wow. The previous thread with the excerpts was bad enough. This was, well…. Honestly, I can’t decide whether to praise the Editrix for reading through it for us, or condemn her for making us read through it. Even the addenda between (gax, I hate to call it “poetry” so how about “rhyming vomitus”) didn’t relieve the agony.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      if I had my notebooks from elementary, I’m pretty sure one of my scribbled pages would more resemble poetry than this. I am embarrassed for him.

      • BrianW

        Oh, I’m not embarrassed for him. He knew who he was going to work for. Too damn bad.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    So, there’s some kinda inauguration coming up, is there?

    • Sister Artemis

      not really….

  • Ambignostic

    Wait! You missed the best part, which for some reason the Independent left off!

    But for all his great wisdom, the braw gallant man
    Is matched by his children, the handsome Trump clan,
    And the flower of Europe, Melania the fair,
    Adds a luster and grace with her long flowing hair.
    May they flourish and prosper to form a great crowd
    Around the good Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

    Is there man left in Scotland, without base alloy,
    Who remembers the Wallace, the Bruce, or Rob Roy?
    Or have five hundred years of a blasphemous lie
    Robbed your manhood of might that you lay down and die?
    Get up and walk free, all ye brave men and proud!
    Long life to the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

    http://classicalpoets.org/inaugural-poem-for-donald-j-trump/

    • Martini Ambassador

      LOL-ouke!

    • “handsome”.

    • Bemused

      I hope he doesn’t intend to visit Scotland anytime soon. I’d guess there might be some Scotsmen eager to show him the manhood of their voting fists.

    • Vienna Woods

      What I love is that the best quality he could come up with for Melanie was her hair.

  • TJ Barke

    Tyranny and slavery, these guys seem to not understand what it is…

    • msanthropesmr

      Not to mention tranny and libety.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Drivel would be libeled if I called this “poem” by a “celebrated” “poet” drivel.

    • TJ Barke

      I think this is more like dribble…

      • Thaumaturgist

        I think it’s more like trickle.

        • BigBoppa ~ Résistant

          Piddle comes to mind.

          • If I jump straight to Santorum, does that violate some sort of Godwinesque law?

          • HogeyeGrex

            Just don’t splash any.

        • yyyaz

          Dick Trickle libelz!!!111

  • Mr. Blobfish
    • IOnlyLikeCats

      Watching Obama quietly troll the RWNJs the last couple of weeks has kept me alive and out of stasis.

    • jowgajen

      Cue the LWNJs, too.

  • This seems an insult to the noble Vogons and their quest to express the Vogonity of it all

    • yyyaz

      They came
      They tried
      They failed
      So they blew the living shit
      Out of Earth in a snit.

  • Wow, that was the poetical equivalent of a Jon McNaughton painting. I could feel all of my Scottish ancestors spinning in their graves while I read it. It made my vomit vomit and I think it gave me cancer. *sad bagpipe*

    • Up In Smoke O’hontas

      “It made my vomit vomit and I think it gave me cancer,” Is one of the most complementary reviews I have seen so far!

  • Pisciatoiojohn

    Here’s an antidote to this aural poison.

    http://www.bartleby.com/203/163.html

  • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

    “Yer no’ but a haggis Domnhall, ye great bawbag. Ah’m scunnert with ye, ye reekbeek goon. Stop a’ tha’ bluidy haverin’ oan the twitter, ye roaster.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Here’s a little ditty I call “3AM Musings of Cheeto Satan…”

    Here I twit, all broken-hearted.
    Tried to shit, but only farted.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Yesterday I took a chance
      stayed in bed and shit my pants

      • Granny Sprinkles

        Afterwards I spent an hour
        Sobbing in my golden shower

        • Up In Smoke O’hontas

          I could not cleanse
          I could not bleach
          my tiny hands
          just can not reach

  • Ambignostic

    Are we quite sure this is going to be read at the inauguration? I’m not seeing any definite statement anywhere that it is.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Neither am I. All I’ve seen is, “This thing was written for the inauguration.” Meaning more that it was written in honor of it, rather than that it will be read there.

      • cmd resistor

        In trying to find out, I did see one line in something saying it had not been commissioned by the Inaugural committee or the transition. Who knows.

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    I would have thought he would forgo the poetry and just go with selective readings from the Art of the Deal.

  • snark-lurker

    you ok Robyn? iz your brane broke after that? mine mind could not take it

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    So I’m getting the idea that Teh Wonketorium really, really, double-post hates this poem.

    • Anna Rompage

      Talk about a MacLoad of shit, stuffed between two shitty buns….

    • snark-lurker

      anything called “poetry” is automatically real poetry for reelz?

    • yyyaz

      Nah, it iz the lulz, though.

  • BigBoppa ~ Résistant

    I wanted to write the inaugural poem but I couldn’t think of any rhymes for cockwomble and shitgibbon.

    • arglebargle

      The shitgibbon be fibbin.

      • clairence

        as he cuts the ribbon

    • yyyaz

      Birds of a feather
      Flock-semble together.

    • HogeyeGrex

      This grifty li’l thief
      Now Commander in Chief
      How the hell did we get this cockwomble?

      A pee-soaked shitgibbon
      With hookers a-tribbin’
      Oompa-loompas ain’t even so orange.

      What.

  • ViveLaPeésistance

    Poem TL/DR, but I mistakenly went to the poet society website that put out this offal, and I think I saw in the comments that it’s intended to be recited at the Urination Ceremony with the crowd reading some stanzas responsively. Please, please, for the love of humanity, tell me this is fake news.

    • Vienna Woods

      Oh no, I want this to be true. For lolz.

      • ViveLaPeésistance

        Now that you mention it, I guess I am torn.

        • Vienna Woods

          I might even watch that part.JUST that part.

      • Sister Artemis

        Maybe with square dancing? sort of shake things up?
        I hear there will be plenty of room for reeling and swinging and generally hootin and hollerin it up.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Actually the line about “getting snatch from a tyrant, and ill-gotten power” is all kinds of true!

    But why no references to the pee pee, Spuds?

  • arglebargle

    It’s got a horrible beat and i can’t dance to it. I give it a 0.1

    • elviouslyqueer

      -5/10. Would not poem again.

  • Ambignostic

    You know what guys? The poet’s domain (mackenziepoet.com) was first registered last August. I think we might be in the presence of a masterpiece of performance art trolling.

    • Sister Artemis

      If that is actually true, we should induct him into the secret ways of non-commenting

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      When I saw his CV said an Oxford don said some of his work surpassed Shakespeare, I started to get very suspicious. We ought to be able to call over there and check.

      • Bemused

        Listen, if you want to stir up some organized crime family in Oxford, that’s on you. Don’t drag the rest of us into it.

      • Are we sure the don in question isn’t Herr Donnie, and the oxford in question wasn’t a shoe?

      • Thiazin Red

        I would believe that some dementia patient named Don who lives in Oxford said that.

    • data_ninja

      Do you suspect this is the literary counterpart of the person who made the original Trump Pence logo? https://m.popkey.co/a0d273/ga9xY.gif

  • Martini Ambassador

    There once was a doofus called Donald
    A ferret he wore, for he was bald
    Universally hated
    He miscalculated
    Grabbed America’s pussy and got mauled

  • Wild Cat

    “I’m the dictator,
    Always jamming.
    Only a Muslim Commie would pardon
    Chelsea Manning . . . “

  • JD Mulvey

    I guess in Middle English “office” and “promise” rhyme. Or maybe it just takes a lot of whiskey.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    I just want to remind everyone that a shoe company (Famous Footwear) did a commercial with a poem and it was, in every way, better than this. A shoe company.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    No. Fucking. Way.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    There once was a poodle named tRump.
    On which Putin liked to dump.
    He said with a shitty grin
    As he wiped off chin
    “Where is my daughter to hump?”

  • cmd resistor

    OT: one of the women who came forward about Trump before the election and who was called a liar by him is suing him for defamation. Lawsuit included in this article. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/apprentice-contestant-sues-president-elect-trump-defamation-article-1.2948571

  • clairence

    Read to the tune of Twas The Night Before Christmas.

    • LucindathePook

      Or Chopsticks

    • Tom Krueger

      more like the Nightmare Before Christmas

      • Jennifer R

        Nah, Skellington is too close to those sort of names for the right’s comfort.

    • proudgrampa
  • janecita

    Obama pardoned Chelsea Manning!!!

  • Tom Krueger

    Wha da fuhhhhhhh? This so-called “poem” is perhaps the most prescient and apocalyptic warning to all who have failed to understand who Trump REALLY is… am I the only person who truly feels like they are living out an episode of Netflix’s “Black Mirror”?!!!

  • Picabo
  • btwbfdimho
    • clairence

      “How STUPID are the people of this country?!” – DJT

    • Tallmutha

      Three dollars?

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        “I want my two dollars!”
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdF_Vo4B6Ms

        • Sister Artemis

          So glad I’m not the only person who thought of this.

          I still say it in passing….

          • CogitoErgoBibo

            So do I! Great minds, obviously.

          • Sister Artemis

            So, I take it you are familiar with French cuisine then?

          • CogitoErgoBibo

            French fries, French dressing, French bread…

  • clairence

    I think this poem is one election too soon. The descriptions within sound more like what Trump promises to bring rather than anything Obama did.

  • a_pink_poodle

    It rhymes like a Dr Seuss book.

    • SO MUCH Dr. Seuss libel. SO MUCH.

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      That’s not how you spell “shart!”

    • HogeyeGrex

      “You, Sir, are no Dr. Seuss.”

  • janecita

    Yup, he enriches cities, just ask the people of Atlantic City!

  • Juan de Fuca

    It is a very, very, very bad poem. It is possibly one of the worst poems I have ever heard in my life, and I grew up in the 1990s and spent a lot of time at coffee shops.

    Donald… Don-ald…short fingered vul-gar-ian
    He was a thief
    You got to belief
    He stole my heart and my cat.
    Ivana!
    Marla!
    Melania and those hot Pussycats…
    They don’t make me horny
    Saturday morny
    Girls of cartoo-ins
    Will leave him in ruins

    He only wants to be loved by Putin.

    ♬Hey Jane… get me off this crazy thing… called love…♬

    • amb310

      Coffee out the nose. Thanks.

  • KnaveOfSwords
  • Canadian_Bacon

    What was at LayPopes.com MAY ACTUALLY BE WORSE. YMMV.

    https://web.archive.org/web/20091129033157/http://laypopes.com/index.html

    • Well, he certainly has a “style”.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      Dammit, always scroll down! I forget it everyday.
      I knew somebody would have gotten to this before I did and I posted it anyway.

      • Canadian_Bacon

        I only beat ya by ten minutes though . . .

  • janecita

    Please Obama, be a real “tyrant,” and stay in power!

  • Iain Mac

    I didna read that for ma health
    Nor for to mak me wise
    But jist so gin I gang tae hell
    I winna be surprised.

    The poem, that is, not the article.

  • amb310

    Why is it terrible poetry always insists on being done as in that horribly forced AABBCC form?

    I don’t know shit from shit about poetry, but the second I see a poem formatted like that, I assume it’ll be about fetus-babby, dead cops, or some conservative nutball political whargarble.

    • Jennifer R

      Because third grade education.

      • amb310

        I lol’ed a second. Then got kind of sad because you’re right.

        All my ;_;

        • Jennifer R

          Lot of wasted potential.

          • Anna Rompage

            Everyone has their gifts in life! In this case, a septic truck operator was this poet’s real calling….

          • Jennifer R

            For real though, if these people were not tangled up in the dual anchors of Racism and Methamphetamine abuse, we could be so much father along. Many of these people could have been legitimately happy and useful people.

    • ExecutorElassus

      Right? And they’re always in that sing-songy sea-shanty meter that makes me think of middle-aged Midwestern church-ladies ugly-crying about the miracle of Jay-zuss’s love.
      Edward Gibbon, a writer of superb gifts (and an historian of considerable merit, if dubious social views), was always fond of dropping serious shade in his descriptions of the mediocre. One of my favorites started a discussion of some bit-rate author of the late Roman Empire with, “his poetic, or rather _rhymed_, ode to the tyrant…”
      I use that whenever I can, and especially when referring to dipshits like McKenzie here.

      • Thiazin Red

        He had some shade for the Scots too. I’ll have to look up the quote but he said something like Hadrian’s wall was put up to keep the Scots out owing more to their poverty than to their valor.

        • ExecutorElassus

          On the inability, or rather unwillingness, of the Romans to conquer Scotland, Gibbon concludes (Ch. 1), “The masters of the fairest and most wealthy climates of the globe turned with contempt from gloomy hills assailed by the winter tempest, from lakes concealed in a blue mist, and from cold and lonely heaths, over which the deer of the forest were chased by a troop of naked barbarians.”
          There is no shade better than the aristocratic disdain affected by the best-educated of the upper classes of patrician Europe, and Gibbon was one of the best.

    • BearOmegaNomNom

      My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to down a whole 750 of cheap prosecco after work and write such a thing… about ALL of those, and then some. Fetus-babby, dead cops, chemtrails, lizard people, Benghazi, AND the ghey fluoride to make ghey water to turn us all ghey ghey ghey.

      • amb310

        It’s been a good 15 hours. Where’s muh poem!

  • shaar dula

    Tinkle, tinkle, little czar. Putin put you where you are.— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) January 11, 2017

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    ANYBODY WANT A PEANUT?

  • The Wanderer

    Jesus Tapdancing Christ. It’s just doggerel in rhyming couplets.

    Granted, I wrote Luna’s Rape Face in rhyming couplets, but bad MLP poetry is a hell of a lot better than this load of rotted sheep’s tripes.

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Since this Charles McKenzie apparition seems heck-bent on doing a Sir Walter Scott reboot, might I suggest a musical accompaniment along these lines?

    https://youtu.be/nFF1oJIUPqc

    • shaar dula

      oh my this shocked my numbed out senses for sure.

  • boyblue123

    OT –

    In one of his final acts as president, Barack Obama has pledged half a billion dollars to a UN climate fund that Donald Trump has threatened to cut off.

    http://www.climatechangenews.com/2017/01/17/obama-signs-over-500m-to-un-climate-fund/

  • Tallmutha

    Google shows me lots of references to this as a poem that was composed for Trump’s inauguration. I still can’t see any reference to it as a poem that is planned to be read at the inauguration. Anyone?

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    This is straight up MST 3k material.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkzmgPUBhQ

  • Ωbjectifier

    Twice in one day you’ve subjected us to this? What is wrong with you people?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b88fd9c0f57a2dc07f08b5f50f55144a09423dd5724ea0be34a42177d0eab855.gif

  • Thiazin Red

    Damn it pisses me off when conservatives or men’s rights dipshits try to use Ron Swanson as an example. Ron Swanson was a good person.

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    Now we are dead, because all of that is the exact opposite of true.

    omg, so much derp in that poem – THAT ENTIRE THING is the opposite of true. A little like calling Her Drumpf “selfless”.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/143fd8c3cc62f43d1e9c9419bcff1942594b0eb41f04cdf9f124d8ccb349d267.jpg

    • Jennifer R

      This may well be my suicide note.

    • Rick Hill

      Well, that rendering of trump makes him look lecherous and as though he is ready to eat some baybies because he heard they have gold hearts or something

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        he looks very Pepe-ish there, don’t he?

        • Résistance Land Shark

          Pepe has bigger hands.

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Why does FDR look like what you get if Tommy Lee Jones and Andy Rooney had a baby?

      • Rick Hill

        Someone must have misunderstood. Surely they wanted Teddy on there

    • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

      This looks like an ad for “Draw Tippy… WITH A PEN IN YOUR BUTTHOLE”

  • Botlrokit

    I know why the caged bird sings. He wants the fuck out of there.

  • pstockholm

    He should do a poetry slam with Amanda Palmer.

    • So Amanda can verbally, and quite possibly literally, beat the shite out of him?

    • Jennifer R

      He should do a slam pit with Leftover Crack

  • ViveLaPeésistance

    Poem or not, a bittersweet reminder of just why Donald is so desperate he can barely stand it. Pres. Obama’s 2009 inauguration, with the crowd stretching to the distant horizon. Donald probably has Barron ready to photoshop Bikers for Trump x infinity. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/15d281bef4481a2b5b66c0df502f6acb8c6dee12623f5fb366f79cae3d4009e4.png

    • shaar dula

      please I’m getting desperate. just 2 days left. more Obama pieces please wonkette. I implore you.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        And Friday: Nothing but kittens and puppies.

  • peteywheats

    Domhnall: Gaelic for Pussy Grabber.

    • shaar dula

      what he couldn’t be a common New Yorker? New York is too low brow for him? He needed to be Gaellic? what a faker.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I’ve had dry heaves better composed and more eloquent than this.

    • The Wanderer

      I’ve had Bloodnok-grade bowel movements that sounded better.

      • Résistance Land Shark

        Maybe it sounds better with the accent?

        • The Wanderer

          Hmm. (tries it, with an egregiously bad faux Scots accent)

          No.

          • Résistance Land Shark

            Translate it to Vogon?

      • shaar dula

        rofl!! hahahahaha. rofl!!!

        • The Wanderer

          Nurse! The screens, the screens!

  • Ωbjectifier
  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    from the author’s defunct website laypopes.com (thank you way back machine):

    Who We Are

    The Ballad of the Armchair Pope was written by a genuine poet. Observations were written by a student of psychology. Neither is a parishioner of an American church.

    Our intervention has been to assist the faithful in the United States and throughout the world. May the Sacred and Immaculate Hearts triumph over those who persecute the Mystical Body and the successors of the Apostles of Christ.

    http://web.archive.org/web/20091130041844/http://laypopes.com/about-us.html

    • Scrofula

      “Genuine poet” licensed by the State Poetry Board.
      I really hate those unlicensed poets, always fucking up your verse like shady contractors.

  • Anna Rompage

    OT;

    Out of curiosity, since the conservatives of this country elected a thrice married, serial adulterer rapist ( a big stoning to death no-no according to the bibles) into the highest office of the land, does this mean they’re cool with the gays now?

    • Picabo

      No.

    • Bebecca

      the Christians did their fair share as well

    • Scrofula

      You just know he’s got some beauty contestant ‘bortions too.

    • BearOmegaNomNom

      They’re only making plans for Milo.

      • Vienna Woods

        Earworm successfully inserted.

  • capnkrunch

    The rhyme and meter are so all over the place that even ignoring content this is painful to read. It would be somewhat different if this were free verse (though even good free verse that ignores these things should flow naturally; this is stilted and awkward) but this is written in rhymed couplets. Overall it reads like something a teenager going through a “poetry phase” wrote; definitely not something from a “celebrated” poet.

    • TEENAGERS GOING THROUGH A “POETRY PHASE” LIBELZ!1!!1!

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

        nah, I hate that phase…those were terrible terrible poems.

    • Scrofula

      Hey, I still have my old notebooks, don’t make me inflict it upon y’all!

  • Jennifer R

    I wrote a concrete poem about a tree once, when I was in like 5th grade and it was better than this. I don’t remember the text at all, but I put a crap ton of effort in printing it in the shape of a tree, and using a color printer at the school to change the text color from brown to green at the top and back again, which is way more effort than this failure put forth.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      heh, I wrote like a 5 line “poem” that didn’t rhyme in the 1st grade. It was about the arrival of autumn scattering leaves or some shit. IT got published in a compendium of student works from across germany.

      • Jennifer R

        In 6th grade I got a drawing put up at the art show at the mall that was a combination of a large generic school bus shape we had all done one week, and the liquid drop we had learned to draw early in the semester to make a bus oozing green goo. I did several things (buses, houses, ect) that oozed blood. I guess that shouldn’t be surprising?

      • Scrofula

        Germany?

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          military family living in Germany at the time. Went to an American school – the compendium thingy included a bunch of english and german school kids work – poems, stories, drawings.

    • Anna Rompage

      To be fair, the poet was commissioned to do this by the transition team, and realized he likely was not going to get paid for his efforts…

      Or then again, maybe they couldn’t get a poet, much like they cannot seem to get a decent musician, and had one of Kellyanne’s middle school children write it

      • Sekhmet1

        According to HuffPo it wasn’t commissioned and isn’t official (for some reason my phone won’t let me paste the link, sorry), which suggests the poet is more of a fanboy. Still it’s so spectacularly and hilariously woeful that I almost WANT someone to read it at the inauguration. Maybe accompanied by an interpretive dance.

  • clubseal

    “Ne’er gaining from that which his hands did not make.”
    That describes no capitalist ever.

    • Thiazin Red

      And doesn’t take into account the “small” loans and inheritance.

      • How small the hands are, also, too. Not suitable for making things, as he cannot grip adult sized tools.

  • Can Malcom Tucker read it out? My bet would be two words before the cursing started

  • Bebecca

    Wonder how much he didn’t pay the guy for that?

  • MOG253

    Wait he’s going to read that???

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      We’re hoping so. We’re really hoping.

  • AngryKatie

    It’s funny he’s so insistent about reminding everyone that he’s Scottish, since the Scottish are so insistent on reminding him that they hate his ass.

    If you haven’t seen the Scottish Sunday Herald’s TV listing for the inauguration https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ad10f905108afdbaebda99c67dabc541bdab80a6c6d4f1d69bdd1019a1b7091e.jpg

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Well done!

  • Garbageman
  • The Wayback Machine was illuminating, shedding light on a weird corner of anti-Vatican II Catholics. What rock had to be flipped over to find this guy? I’ll give him full points for the cadence, however, since it was stolen from the best:

    “The Mayor is there, And he thinks it is grand,
    And he raises his hat as they dash by the stand.
    The Mayor is there and the Aldermen too,
    All waving big banners of red, white and blue.
    And that is a story that NO ONE can beat
    When I say that I saw it on Mulberry Street! “

    • hendenburg2

      Probably goes to the same church as Mel Gibson

  • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

    You want to read a really beautiful scottish poem – read (one of the versions of) Old Long Syne. I love this one, and I hate poetry (cause I never get it). This is I believe the Robert Aytoun version from 16th or 17th century.

    http://ebba.english.ucsb.edu/ballad/34302/xml

  • hendenburg2

    “A builder of buildings, employing good men,
    He’s enriched many cities by factors of ten.”

    Does that sound like Doctor Seuss to anyone else?

    • An excerpt from his little known book The Pussy in the Tiny Hands?

      • hendenburg2

        I was going to say a sequel/prequel to The Lorax…

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Orange Dregs and Yam? I’m leaving now….

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot
    • Martini Ambassador

      Nuts. It’s like they want to rob us of anything fun.

      • Suttree

        Even if it isn’t a real thing, we still had fun with it! It’s just sad that it is so easily believable.

    • LifelongLurker

      Fake: only that it’s been chosen for reading at the inaugural. Not fake: that someone actually wrote it, evidently in all seriousness.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        You are correct. Thank you. I was blinded by my grief.

      • mancityRed6

        “…not a confirmed inaugural reading.”
        the braindead poet’s society said it “should” be read at the inauguration.

      • Sekhmet1

        Looks like old mate McKenzie was angling for publicity (and the adulation of his right-wing buddies). But it’s exactly the kind of thing that The Dummnall would regard as “a yooge poem, the best poetry, it’s really terrific”.

        • mancityRed6

          he’d be confused ’cause it doesn’t say Donald explicitly.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    “Damn-all” is actually a not a bad nickname for The Orànge-n-tan.

    You may now blow the Damnwhale’s bagpipe, MacGrundle!

  • Suttree

    Possibly the poet feared the fate of Joffrey’s minstrel, if he was not fawning enough?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=537wyCW5aAQ

  • Scrofula

    What, it rhymes, right? That’s what poy-yams are, right?
    This is a true story: I’m in the Smithsonian with the Ex, looking at an American Artists exhibit. Lady behind us asks the “don’t touch” guy where the Thomas Kincaide was.
    “Is he American?”
    “American as apple pie!”

    Yes, that happened. Yes I was wincing too hard to say anything.

  • The Wanderer

    Mull of Kintyre this is not.

    • Mavenmaven

      Certainly not the oi version

    • Tessiee

      Hell, it’s not even Michelin Tire.

    • Rick Hill

      Man from Nantucket, this is not.

  • Bitter Scribe

    For me the most pathetic aspect of that poem is that “crowd” is the only word he could think of to rhyme with “MacLeod.”

    No, scratch that. The most pathetic aspect is that it is actually going to be read at Trump’s inauguration.

    I swear, this guy will approve anything if it’s flattering enough.

  • WomanInTheResistance

    So l have been very cold. I sorta fixed things by changing the batteries in the thermostat. But now I got the furnace to actually work. This is nice.

    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      yay! I was worried about you not having heat in all that snow.

      Have a screenshot from the kitteh cam (yes, I still have it up on my computer, right now the black cats are wrestling.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/339ccce8ade23fef8e8b2ac5540aa00ec23b09e265f4f32a4ea0476d1308d667.png

      • TX Dept. of Space Tacos
      • Jennifer R

        You know what I would love to see? a ferret kit cam.

        • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

          it’s the internet, there’s gotta be one! I think you should spend some time searching for one and report back to us, lol. (I have to get ready for class soon)

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Do well in Class! And I’m fine.

          • Jennifer R

            You can do it!

            I just found a ferret live cam from a zoo’s breeding program but it’s all ferrets in individual cages and kinda sad.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            awww, are they just sleeping? I know how much you like ferrets. These kittehs sleep in a cage but get taken out to play in the rumpus room.

          • Jennifer R

            There was a person walking around with a mask on, and this is a zoo feed, so I suspect the rows of cages are just what the feed is. To be fair most ferrets don’t even get the space or enrichment items these ferrets have, but the two we had got to live together and had about three times the cage space, plus roaming and water time.

          • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

            Yeah, they strike me as adventurous sorts – they probably like to run and play and investigate things and get into little tiny comfy spaces like cats too.

          • Jennifer R

            Ferrets are very wormy squirmy, but if you hold them and move them in the direction their nose points you can hold them for hours.

        • Doug Langley

          You know what I would love to see?
          A poem as lovely as a tree.

          Oh, shit!

    • shaar dula

      always. every fall best change the batteries. best use eneloops.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      It reached 73F here in Atlanta, one degree below the record. Yes, it is January and I have the A/C on. I wish we had snow. I bought a “new” winter coat at the thrift store that I haven’t been able to wear yet.

      • Kooolest G

        be careful there in atlanta, from what I hear it’s run down and crime infested

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          I was right in the middle of the 5th District too.

    • Edith Prickly

      Yay for fixing shit yourself!

      • WomanInTheResistance

        Thank you!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Congrats! It’s plenty cold enough with a thermostat talking to the furnace… I’m watching to see whether the ice storm hits first or if we just skip to the pineapple express…

      • WomanInTheResistance

        It’s raining right now. Which surprises me. It’s pretty damn cold outside.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          I can hear rain hitting the window, but it’s a tricky bastard at this temperature and can stay wet or freeze into a glaze… The bus trip home from work might be interesting…

          • WomanInTheResistance

            Just be safe. The roads are terrible.

  • Werewolf

    I am part Scots, so I feel qualified to say that this “poet” should get fucked with a rusty claymore.

  • ArthurBAblabab
    • Roadstergal

      Hellz yes.

  • Flashman

    It’s got a very Your-a-Peein’ flavor to it.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    He said “snatch”, teeheeteehee.

  • Edith Prickly

    My RL last name is Scottish and I have a FB friend who is FB friends with Mike Myers’ brother (actually true), so I feel qualified to say this is indeed CRRRRAP!

    • Raan

      It sure ain’t Scottish.

  • Flashman

    Is this the whole fookin’ poem? When describing Trump, did the bard find anything to rhyme with “orange”?

  • ken_kukec

    Joseph Charles McKenzie is to DJT as Robert Frost was to JFK?

  • nightmoth

    If only Henry Gibson were still alive to read this. That’s the only way this doggerel could be made entertaining.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgSnsAbBsNQ

  • notaten

    I’ll wait for the interpretive dance version of this to come out before I pass judgement.

    • BearOmegaNomNom

      These repetitive grasping motions at about waist height, what are they supposed to represent?

      • notaten

        Repulsion? Or, how about just EWwwwwww! Yuk!

  • Paperless Tiger

    It was better in the original Russian.

  • sosuume

    And Maya rolls in her grave.

  • Raan

    The only thing I could find out about
    this Joseph Charles McKenzie character is that some people on some
    Catholic message board thought he was “behind” a site called LayPopes.com. That site doesn’t exist anymore, so I cannot tell you what that was about.

    Archive.org is your friend.

    http://web.archive.org/web/20091130041844/http://laypopes.com/about-us.html

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Reads like bad Shakespeare. So here is a bit of the real thing.

    “There’s no art
    To find the mind’s construction in the face:
    He was a gentleman on whom I built
    An absolute trust.
    [Enter MACBETH, BANQUO, ROSS, and ANGUS]
    O worthiest cousin!
    The sin of my ingratitude even now
    Was heavy on me: thou art so far before
    That swiftest wing of recompense is slow
    To overtake thee. Would thou hadst less deserved,
    That the proportion both of thanks and payment
    Might have been mine! only I have left to say,
    More is thy due than more than all can pay.”

    • Roadstergal

      “Earthy and abhorre’d commands” is going to take on a whole new meaning in this administration.

    • Conor Gladstone

      Wonderful!!! – thanks

  • ResistanceFighterCaptainHowdy

    I hope the man in the dress was wearing trous. For his sake.

  • Scrofula

    “MY first thought was, he lied in every word,
    That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
    Askance to watch the working of his lie
    On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
    Suppression of the glee, that purs’d and scor’d
    Its edge, at one more victim gain’d thereby.

    • Meccalopolis

      Hmm!

  • Raan

    Also, “the best of MacLeod”? I think I know of someone who would beg to differ on that point. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ae340e2aa9bc177ee53aa8de3bf4c5d7cee07a6cf0e412a47273971d6536bae0.jpg

    • unionthuggery

      There can be only one!

      • clairence

        beat me to it.

        loved that show.

      • Jack Tenhet

        “Nuns. No sense of humour.” I love that movie!

        • ZangoCrudmonger

          What kills me is Clancy Brown is the voice of Mr. Krabbs!

  • George Cleveland

    Ah yes. The good ol’ Dr. Seuss meter. Only the best poets can use that.

    • BearOmegaNomNom

      I don’t like yellow eggs and Vlad
      They make Teh Wonket haz a sad.

    • Tessiee

      I do not like this Mr. Trump,
      I’d like to kick him in the rump.
      I will not watch him on the Fox.
      I will not watch him in my socks.
      I would not let him touch me There.
      I would not Do him anywhere.

  • BearOmegaNomNom

    Well DUH his predecessor was a tyrant, on account of all the melanin. Trump replaced that with Melania, so as any of his supporters will tell you, it’s the “n” that was the problem.

  • Roadstergal
    • Heather

      Now that’s REAL poetry.

  • ltmcdies

    so said “poet” writes about 2 elections where the winner received both the popular votes and the EC vote as “ill gotten power” does he?

    Are they really going to let this bullshit be read out loud.

    • NotALiar

      It infuriates me. President Obama will have to sit there and listen to this.

      • Roadstergal

        Psst. Obama. Don’t go. You owe him exactly fuckall.

      • Mike Steele

        He’ll be chewing the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing. It would be blessed if he were just to topple over in giggling hysterics creating a ripple effect onstage.
        Trump would implode, and KaC would have to find a job:)

  • BearOmegaNomNom

    Vogon poetry, you say?
    Oh spraytanned bunglecunt, your micturitions are to me
    As plundered gabbleblotchits from our democracy.

    • nikkidarlin

      That would be the best.

  • shaar dula

    simple rhyme given the intended audience.
    pee pee poo poo 123
    Donnie baby let it be
    don’t make poo poo for all to see

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    Putin has to laughing his ass off over this.

    • Rick Hill

      Shit, he proly couldn’t understand it if you explained it to him. Let alone let him know it’s not actually good

  • anon_the_great

    Kill all the Brutes.

  • NotALiar

    Thy woman be fussy
    lest I grab her by the pussy.
    I hate him so much I want to die.

  • Marceline

    There’s not going to be a single part of this inauguration that isn’t going to be pitiful fuckshit.

    • anon_the_great

      Shit gibbon
      It’s shit gibbon all the way down

  • Idiokraticdrumpfenjugend

    Projection and lies put to the poet’s verse. Is that even legal?

  • DahBoner

    his mom’s maiden name is MacLeod

    You need to stop right now reminding people that Trumps mother was a lowly, common maid. 😀
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/l0NwMJgOmUd7k0sow/200_d.gif#0
    BOO I’m your Daddy

  • Rick Hill

    Does this make it completely unanimous that not one single thing in or around trump is good?

  • nikkidarlin

    He should have used The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

  • Meccalopolis

    Ask the actual Scots what they think of him
    They should just read all the hilariously inventive insults they had for fuckface

  • Conor Gladstone

    Um – the rhymes are so childish, rhyming is so 20th century, i think this person used a rhyming dictionary to pen this tome. Embarrassing – Sesame Street could do it better.
    Oh Gawd

  • Bob Mahnken

    That poem is an even worse poem than Donald Trump is a person. It’s so bad that it has to be that bad on purpose. I wish I could have written that terrible poem and tricked that terrible person into having it read out loud at his birthday party, or whatever it is.

  • Andy Brown

    Wonder who our new poet laureate will be?

    • Roadstergal

      It’s the Trump pattern. Hire someone who wants to destroy that institution. In this case, Rhymey Scots McBarfFace.

    • BadKitty904

      Some Hallmark hack, if he comes cheap enough…

      • Jack Tenhet

        Or if he donates bigly.

    • clairence

      poetry’s for liberals. cut the position and save the country money!

      • Jack Tenhet

        Poetry’s for liberals. Coffee’s for closers. It’s always rules, rules, rules.

  • SecludedCompound

    Hahahahaha, Jesus these people are fucking stupid!

  • tinker12

    Damn, that terrible thing just goes on and on and on.

    • BadKitty904

      The poem about him does too!

      • clairence

        ouch

        • BadKitty904

          It had to be said.

      • tinker12
        • BadKitty904

          HEY-ooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

  • Hemp Dogbane

    My heart will grow 10 sizes that day.

  • Apologies if this has already been posted, but Hal Duncan, a real Scotchman and a real poet, had quite a lovely response. :)

    http://notesfromthegeekshow.blogspot.co.uk/2017/01/from-scotland-with-love.html

    • zerosumgame0005

      this made me laugh!

      Yer rhyme for Trump’s inauguration wank?

      Huv ye drunk his spunk? D’ye fuckin swallow?

      Like pus squeezed fae a beilin pluke, it’s rank.

      Ye’ve pisht on the Muses and Apollo.

    • That was freakin brilliant. I larfed out loud. This should be read for sure somewhere on Friday.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    HuffPo says it’s fake.

    • zerosumgame0005

      well he obviously is a fake “poet”

  • Morsum me

    I like how he keeps rhyming crowd with MacLeod.

    “all the coked up passengers waved from the crowd
    to the greatest ship captain, Gavin MacLeod”

    I’m a poet and didn’t even know it.

  • Jack Tenhet

    He’s from New Mexico and he uses the word “Christendom” in his common speech. That kinda says all anyone needs to know. I wonder if he’s a member of the SCA as well?

    • Andy_Kreiss

      I’m thinking lonely old Ren Faire Creeper.

  • Brian in Koreatown
    • Jack Tenhet

      Oookay. . . Umm, I’m kinda Catholic and that shit was weird to ME! I barely understood any of it and it really read like the early manifesto of a lunatic gunman.

    • zerosumgame0005

      reads more like Layinginpoopie to me…

  • zerosumgame0005

    SO fucking glad my Scottish family was Clan Campbell, FUCK the MacLeod’s for this asshole!

  • diane surette

    For Fucking Real????

  • reelreeler

    Reading the poem by Joseph Charles McKenzie just made me throw up a little in my mouth…..and I think it was actually a better experience than reading the poem.

    • shastakoala

      The whole world threw up a little in it’s mouth.

  • JoeChristmas

    The treasonous tax cheat in chief puts the “p” in poetry.

  • JoeChristmas

    BTW, in the pic, is that the pussy grabber’s hair farm in the background?

  • Penny Dreadful Says Resist

    I’m not sure if I’m more offended by the content or by the very fact of its existence. This is rotten on every level.

  • Richard Harper

    Especially poignant, because the Scots just *love* donald. I read that somewhere. Along with some of the most colorful language I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing.

  • SnarkON

    It should be illustrated by that horrible artist who does the paintings of Obama burning the Constitution.

  • alpacapunchbowl

    Holy fuckballs, that’s bad. I’m more offended by how poorly it’s written than by the cliched boilerplate conservatripe we’ve all come to know so well. Goddam.
    That said, have the Scots gotten a load of this shite yet? Because they are not gonna be pleased, and it will be GLORIOUS.

  • idiotboy

    That is one of the most wonderful things I have ever read.
    This should be read out loud with a group of friends stoned on acid or mushrooms. I may die of laughter as it is. Thank you for SOMETHING to get through this week.

    • Serai 1

      It’s right up there with The Eye of Argon, arguably* the worst story ever written. It used to be a tradition at sci-fi conventions to get a group together to do a tag-team reading of that classic. Last one to laugh won. This could make a great companion to that venerable classic.

      *No, actually, there is no argument – it IS the worst story ever written.

  • courtney

    Fixed it.

    “Come out for the Big man, the foolish and proud,
    The scion of Justice and jester of loud!
    With vaguness and tantrums he came down from his tower
    To snatch like a toddler at any old power.
    Now the cry has gone up by a horrified the crowd:
    “Come out against Big Man, the foolish and proud!”

    Now freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains
    And voices are silenced as misery reigns,
    We know it’s this leader who caused all this poo
    Whose virtues are absent and death overdue.
    For he’ll never cease trying to manipulate the crowd
    Who elected the Big Man, the foolish and proud?

    Now crippling corruption’s polluting our nation
    And plunging our economy into stagnation,
    As this self-righteous rogue took the opulent office
    And plump family members reneged on his promises
    The forgotten would like to form a great crowd
    But poor, dark-skinned people are now not allowed!

    The Big Man’s gone bankrupt but continues to take,
    Gaining only from that which his hands did not make.
    Inhabitor of buildings, destroying good men,
    He’s polluted this country by a factor of ten.
    The honest and true gladly march with the crowd
    Standing up to the Big Man, the scouge of MacLeod!

    True friend of the white man from both far and near,
    He welcomes non brown ones, while at women he leers,
    He’s an ignorant man whore, he thinks that’s the norm,
    He mocks the lives of those he considers deformed.
    The immigrants hasten to emigrate again as a crowd.
    Fleeing the reign of terror of which this man is so proud!

    Academe now lies dead, intelligence rots,
    He wants total control on our words and our thoughts;
    His ignorant hirelings pretending to teach
    Are backward in vision, sophomoric in speech.
    No learnèd of mind dare go near the crowd
    That cheers on the Domhnall, the reject of MacLeod!

    The black man unforgotten, in poverty dying,
    The poor man, the sick man, with young children crying,
    The soldier abroad and the mother who waits,
    The young without work or behind prison gates,
    The veterans, wounded, all his legacy proud
    They are all so much worse under the filth of MacLeod!

    Whilst horrified old women reject all his crap
    And young women prosecute the pussy grabbing chaps,
    The Big man then has tantrums on twitter forlorn;
    And is creeped out that from a woman his body was born.
    Now traumatised young lassies that flee from his hand
    Have PTSD after being touched by the jest best of MacLeod

    • Unpresidented Ron

      <wipes a tear from his eye> That was… that was beautiful. Beautiful because it is so true.

    • Sekhmet1

      Mag-fucking-nificent.

    • Saxo the Grammarian

      After reading that, I can put off heavy drinking for a day. Very nicely done!

  • Gin1234

    Holy crap. Trump can’t even pick a poet with class.

    • JustDon’tSayPeePee

      or talent.

  • Lisa Zapasnik Gottlieb

    It’s horrible just horrible! I couldn’t read the entire poem because it doesn’t make sense! I am sure he w

  • Gin1234

    I’m sure Putin is quite the romantic. He should submit one of his.

  • roberteye

    Let’s see, Robert Frost… Joseph McKenzie. This is really getting be a bad version of “Born Yesterday”. “Get me one of them poeters for the inaugration!”

  • Kris Thein Miner

    “We’ll come out for a leader whose courage is true
    Whose virtues are solid and long overdue.
    For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd
    Who elected the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!”

    He LITERALLY could not get the right number of syllables in the first and third lines here (and in about 3 other places as well.) Even if you give him “we’ll come” as a “and a” ONE and a TWO” type of cadence before the line gets going, it’s worse than crap I wrote in junior high. Note, also, that the first two thirds is all about men, men, men, men. He doesn’t even mention women until they are portrayed as waiting home for their soldier husbands, and then being impregnated, and, according to his poem, only wanting the right to be born. After that, nah, whatever the MEN say will be fine, I’m sure.

    The projecting of all of the subject’s massive faults onto everyone BUT him is EPIC. I mean, TRULY epic. I tip my hat to him on that. I also predict that the crowd there will LAP! IT! UP! There won’t be guns there, will there? I fear that at the end they will all whip them out and shoot the at the sky. Admit it: you can totally see that happening.

    In all seriousness, with this kind of “let’s all work together to unite the country” poem, and a president elect who has called those who didn’t vote for him his “enemies” who “lost badly” then GOSH! My heart is now filled with joy and optimism! We’re really heading into a bright and shiny future when the POET continues the PEOTUS’ example to lash out at others and lie about his own accomplishments and character. It would be funny if it weren’t ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

    • wavicles

      You couldn’t sell any of the last 12 months as a story in Hollywood. Way too unbelievable.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        It works pretty well, actually, as a dystopian alternative history.

  • Vel Venturi

    This has to be a joke. Please be a joke.

    • Unpresidented Ron

      I was thinking, the cleverest Poe ever written. Because I cannot accept that anyone can truly believe any of this crap and yet still be capable of using English.

  • Mike Steele

    Dumb’n’all….hmmm…I like the sound of that!

  • stelae

    We used to have bad poetry readings on nights we couldn’t be bothered to game. William Topaz McGonnagall wishes he could have written this.

  • chiefkurtz

    Two words-‘Shit sandwich’.

    • Baldrz1

      “You can’t print that!”

  • Ranting Thespian

    This is 100% fake. It is revealed in the first paragraph when they mention this is a Vogon poem. If you know what a Vogon is, you’d know this is completely fake.

    A Vogon is a race of bureaucratic aliens in The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy series. They are responsible for blowing up the Earth to make way for an “interstellar bypass”. They also write poetry that is so god awful that they are used for torture and can kill you.

    So this is completely fake.

    • stelae

      Actually, I think the Vogons would send this back, as needing a bit more work before it was only terrible.

    • JustDon’tSayPeePee

      You’re new around here, aren’t you? Read around a little bit. Notice all the references? to HHGTTG? to MPATHG? to just about every cultural reference there is?
      When Wonkette calls someone a Vogon, it is a reference.
      FFS.

    • jenny_whyme

      I’m only surprised by the lack of a reference to Kingon Opera.

      Let me ‘splain to you why Wonkette used the Vogon reference. Vogon poetry is bad. Really bad. Wretchedly bad. Got in now?

    • My father was irish and my mother was half thespian so that makes me quarter thespian
      But aside from that, I think they were saying the guy who wrote it wrote bad poems, like a Vogon. Which any learned would know.

    • Serai 1

      Yes, dear boy. We know who the Vogons are. We know what they’re like. We know they write horrendous poetry. I know it’s shocking to contemplate, but we ALL KNOW THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE. You are not the only one here who reads books, you know.

  • Hairfish

    I’ve read better poetry at a Hallmark store.

    • JustDon’tSayPeePee

      Well, suuuurrrre, it isn’t anymore

    • JesusWasAHippie

      Oh thank god. * removes head from oven *

      • wavicles

        Not so fast, they may just ask him to come up with another, but;
        “This time, could you say more about mr. Trump?”

  • Begin Anew Day

    Such dreck.

    Feh!

  • Škęptîç Tåñk Pøśt-Trūth Póštėr

    Here is McKenzie’s Bio. Started law school but didn’t finish. Started priesthood studies but didn’t finish. Started doctoral program but didn’t finish. Won unknown poetry award. Lots of 1 year jobs. Claims a teacher once told him his sonnets were better than some of Shakespeare’s.
    https://www.visualcv.com/mckenzie

    • JurisGal

      So, he’s kind of like Sarah Palin?

    • I bet that poetry award was that one they get you to send in to the contest and then buy the book if you are awarded into it (trick question, everyone who buys a book gets theirs in the book!)

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      So, a lot like Sarah Palin. But with more pretentious word salad.

  • Begin Anew Day

    I now realize that I have mislaid or destroyed a large amount of VERY FINE poetry that I have written during the course of my life.

    At the time I mishandled my poetry into the trash I thought it was bad and I did not want anyone else to see it.

    But this poem has opened my eyes to how good my stuff was and will be again!

    • wavicles

      Wherever your pages are right now, your stuff’s in better shape than this… um, stuff

  • Panika MCD

    I have actually read worse, but that’s because I was dumb enough to go for an MFA in poetry.

    • Shibusa

      David Foster Wallace said MFA stands for “masters of fucking around”. ;-)

      • Panika MCD

        I prefer “Mother Fucking Asshole”.

      • Goposaur

        PhD – Piled higher and deeper

  • BrendaKay

    Not even surprising. The tacky poem blends seamlessly with his tacky hair, tacky hat and the tacky interior decorations he so loves.

  • Sue Tomlinson

    Maybe just let Melania do the pole dance…

    • btwbfdimho

      She’s the most underrated pole dancer in the world. She’d win the Electoral College, the Trump University & the popular vote of North & South Poles Dancing. Beautiful, believe me. Not sad.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      I pictured something along the lines of a Kid Rock show. Don’t judge…I can’t stand him, but he played a “festival” type show with many other bands I love. Anyway – his stage had multiple pole/cage dancing ladies & a midget DJ (who I believe is now dead).

  • Fakey fake or not:
    Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps
    Teach women to look and behave like us chaps,
    The Domhnall defends the defenseless forlorn;
    For, a woman’s first right is the right to be born.

    This line right here. K then!
    Opinion: While it is now suddenly fake that it is the official inaugeration poem (prolly because people read it and went DA FUQ? No) I bet the guy who wrote it really did so with feeling

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      The list of people who did awful things “with feeling” is endless. The guy who shot Dr Tiller probably had stronger feelings than you or I will ever know. And I for one am glad of that…

  • btwbfdimho
    • TX Dept. of Space Tacos

      perhaps it’s pedantic and underestimating the wonketteers, but this was a real thing:

      The Stanford marshmallow experiment[1] was a series of studies on delayed gratification in the late 1960s and early 1970s led by psychologist Walter Mischel, then a professor at Stanford University. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward provided immediately or two small rewards (i.e., a larger later reward) if they waited for a short period, approximately 15 minutes, during which the tester left the room and then returned. (The reward was sometimes a marshmallow, but often a cookie or a pretzel.) In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by SAT scores,[2] educational attainment,[3] body mass index (BMI),[4] and other life measures.[5]

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment

  • JBL20010

    Has anyone else noticed that the meter of this literary magnum opus was lifted from “Twas the Night Before Christmas”?

    • Serai 1

      Actually, it sounds like Dr. Seuss to me.

  • JesusWasAHippie

    I – seriously? I mean, this is honestly going to be read at the inaug? It isn’t a joke?

    I think it’s a joke. C’mon … it’s a joke. Good one, Robyn!

    * sob * oh god …

  • btwbfdimho

    Trump crossing 5th Av before heading to Washington
    https://youtu.be/XhbuOFXorUY

  • ibwilliamsi

    You’re shitting me, right? Tell me you’re shitting me.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Isn’t Joseph Charles McKenzie just another name for John Barron?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Is Trump fucking his daughter?
    Or just Vladimir Puti-Pu?

  • VandeGraf

    Stroking the Donald it’s the poet McLoad.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

    One says “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

    And the other says “Hey McLeod — get off of my ewe!”

  • phoenix00

    More awkward than Shatner trying to explain why Captain Kirk climbs a mountain.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kestt5BI3eg

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Is there any chance it sounded better in the original Vogon?

    • HazooToo

      There is a 100% chance.

  • Serai 1

    Holy shit, that’s godawful. Seems wingnuts are no better at poetry than they are at comedy. Dreadful.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/119a168e35a463a0b48ca3e1624b22770915ee2ebd1c19cbd125fb6e432ac837.gif

  • bird8

    Doggerel

  • doggiedaddy
  • Bang Crasby

    There’s a cottage industry of this stuff.

    Behold: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE0M9R1YXH0

    • Scam Man
      Huh. Well, truth in advertising at least?
      But for cryin out loud, can they at LEAST do a good tune?

  • This poem made me think of that stupid cartoon/song that the National Review made for their anniversary. What buffoons. What’s with the idol worship on display here. Imagine if you were so messed up in your belief system that Trump is considered a hero/savior to you and yours. Maybe there’s a teacher on here that can correct this fail of a poem, or at least adjust it so it represents the cold harsh reality.

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    Worst. Poem. Ever. At least it rhymes. I suppose Donnie liked it because it mentions him over & over again. The funniest bit is how much Scotland hates him, yet this “poet” wrote this mess from that angle.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    Dr. Seuss’s grave just burst into flames.

  • coozledad

    Stout men of golf and Russian hookers
    Trousers filled with day old dookers
    They be now your leaders, true
    ‘Tis this is why I sniff the glue.

    Racist shitbags in their bowers
    drinking deep in golden showers
    with their biker shit out front
    don’t you dare to call them cu…., uh. flowers.

  • anon_the_great

    Yannow, with Zaphod Beeblebrox about to be installed as the leader of the Free World, Vogon Inauguration poetry was inevitable.

    • Brendan_M

      Trump is more of a Zapp Brannigan, I’d say:
      https://twitter.com/TheBillyWest/status/763531951827357696

    • Connor Fitzgerald

      I can’t believe Zaphod references are finally relevant, and this is the president they’re relevant for. This “Age of the Geek” is a booby prize, man. Especially since it comes with talking about ppl like Rove and Wolfowitz like they’re actually intellectuals. And now they’re crapping on poetry.
      Lilacs are pretty
      They grow on my door yard
      Anyways they’re nice.

  • Ghenghis McCann

    The video of Ron Swanson reading “Scotland” has been blocked in my country by NBCUniversal_International. How delightfully ironic.

    • (((Aron)))

      You’re missing out. It is an inspired reading.

    • Keith Gargus

      Get the “hola” app. It works on most of these blocks.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    Nobody’s still asking why we can’t have nice things, right?

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    I do not think “poetry slam” means what you think it means.

  • bbayliss

    Holy priest, fucking a child holding a duck!
    This is so far beyond the worst poem I’ve ever read that it ranks in value with the painting of Obama burning the constitution.
    Art…the ultimate mirror of our attitudes, must never be sullied by shit like this

  • glennisw

    “…[Donald’s] a giver whilst others just take.”

    Spit take.

  • M.E. Lawrence

    He will never be as bad as Scotland’s beloved Bad-Poet Laureate, the immortal William McGonagall: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_McGonagall

    Spike Milligan as McGonagall and Peter Sellers as Queen Victoria! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Los8c8amIF8

    (Sorry for going so O.T., but we all need cheering up.)

    This McKenzie guy is pretty awful, though. He makes me want to disavow my proud Scots ancestry (both sides) but, then, so does the Trumpery Taker.

  • M.E. Lawrence

    P.S. Note that superior people inspire superior artistic effort:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADUQWKoVek

    “There’s no one as Irish as Barack O’bama!” Shay Black took a song by the Corrigan Brothers and added a new verse every week leading up to the 2008 election, to be sung with much gusto and many pints at The Starry Plough in south Berkeley. Those were good days.

  • Nine

    Pure Genius!
    Now he can claim it isn’t so much a boycott as an excuse to skip a poetry reading.

    The Dhimhangnail, the Pest of McFail, can claim people weren’t avoiding him, they were avoiding this poem. Because, while it isn’t actually true, it is plausible that this poem is more repellent than he is.

  • Bleecker

    What an insult to poetry

  • HorseChestnut

    MacLeod libelz

  • Rowan Walters

    That poem is obviously the product of a very sick mind. Delusional hyperbole reflecting a disturbing, distorted worldview totally out of touch with reality, poisoned by the hatred and pathological dishonesty of the Donald. The poet clearly has the same kind of out of control egomania and grossly inflated self-image, arrogance and intolerance as his subject. His website is hysterical 😭

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Holy shit! Trump’s a MacLeod? Can’t wait to see the Kurgan show up at the White House gates.

  • Husband Of Mrs God

    I can’t believe I had to look this up — Nick Offerman. He’s great.
    The Dohmnall of whatever poem is certainly more uplifting than the spew we did have to hear.

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