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Maybe not quite that empty. Just about, though.
Maybe not quite that empty. Just about, though.

As we mentioned yesterday, the Trump Inaugural folks may be getting a tad worried about the turnout they’re going to have for the inauguration of the least-popular president-elect in modern history, at least since polling has been around. While we remain skeptical that the Trumpers are actually resorting to paying people to show up, they sure are promoting the ever-loving hell out of the inaugural, so as to let people know how easy and FREE it’ll be to show up and cheer for the Great-Making Machine. Consider this example from the Facebooks:

trump-inaug-facebook-ads

You’re over 27 and able to commute? Hurry on down before the good spots are all taken! Besides, Trump isn’t really the least-liked new president: The polls are being deliberately skewed just to make him look bad!

trump-approval-polls

The attendance for this inauguration is going to set records! Just like Trump’s enormous landslide win did! He was among the top fifty electoral college wins, after all. Not to mention the HUGE numbers of people streaming into Washington (to protest):

trump-bikers

You just keep believing that, Donnie. And pretend all the buses full of protesters are really chanting “Booo-Trump!” Maybe you can also find some way to explain why your phenomenal popularity is the real reason that ticket scalpers are losing their ticket scalper shirts trying to unload the premium seats they snapped up:

Yossi Rosenberg, 36, of upper Manhattan, told the Daily News he bought a pair of tickets to Friday’s Washington, D.C. event from a woman in Westchester County for $700, thinking he could flip them for at least twice as much.

But nobody’s biting.

“Nobody wants to buy them,” Rosenberg told The News. “It looks like I’m stuck with them, I might even have to go.”

Good god, man, there’s taking a loss, and then there’s just plain punishing yourself.

Rosenberg says he bought the tix on Craigslist from a “Second Amendment Activist,” then tried to turn them around, both on Facebook and Craigslist, but there was no interest. Then, getting a little desperate, he tried some white supremacist websites, such as the Daily Stormer, but again was unable to drum up any interest. Sad! Weak! Actually, he should have known the neo-Nazis would all just go for the free seats anyway, because their money is going into weapons, ammo, and regalia for the coming Racial Holy War, duh.

Eventually, Rosenberg pinned them to the bulletin board in his office, where at least someone noticed ’em:

“Someone offered me $200 for the pair,” he said, well below what he was looking for. “I guess his approval ratings aren’t that high, right?”

Why, no. No they are not. Mr. Rosenberg may want to hold on to those tickets a little while longer, however, as the Independent reports the Trump Inaugural may finally have found an attraction people will turn out to see: A perfectly horrible new Vogon poem written to “pay tribute to his Scottish ancestry,” which may well come to be seen as the Plan 9 From Outer Space of inaugural poetry. Robyn will be along shortly with a close reading, but sweet merciful Crom on a Segway, it’s bad. Like, we thought maybe Trump had hired Mike Myers to come onstage and say “If it’s nae Scottish, it’s CRAP!” But this very special commemorative poem, perpetrated by “celebrated American poet Joseph Charles McKenzie of the Society of Classical Poets,” is…something. We’re not so sure about “celebrated” — the first Google hit for him is wingnut blog “American Thinker”; subsequent hits suggest he’s an anti-Vatican II Catholic writer. And his Extra Special Poetry Homepage makes it pretty clear that his latest “project” apart from the inaugural poem is self-published, because “A century of modernism has destroyed publishers’ ability to recognize, much less market, traditional lyric verse.” As far as we can tell, the wingnut Catholic and the bad poet are the same guy. Anyway, to keep you busy until Robyn’s Hot Take (which is up now, YAY!) here are the first two stanzas:

“Come out for the Domhnall, ye brave men and proud,

The scion of Torquil and best of MacLeod!

With purpose and strength he came down from his tower

To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.

Now the cry has gone up with a cheer from the crowd:

“Come out for the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!”

 

When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains

And voices are silenced as misery reigns,

We’ll come out for a leader whose courage is true

Whose virtues are solid and long overdue.

For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd

Who elected the Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

Tonstant Weader fwowed up her haggis. Oh, and it gets worse. Much worse. Somehow this gormless bunglecunt manages to take ersatz Robert Burns and apply it to political correctness, the economic bailout, the plight of the “black man forgotten, in poverty dying” — no doubt in ghettos where you can’t walk down the street without getting shot — and even, yes, the crisis of “hapless old harridans flapping their traps / [who] Teach women to look and behave like us chaps.”

Suck on THAT, Maya Angelou!

Forget what we said earlier about only showing up for the protests. People need to show up in huge numbers for this. And godspeed to whoever has the rotting vegetables concession.

Update: HuffPo says the poem is a big ol’ fakey-fake, or at least that it’s not an official inaugural poem. Whether the perpetrator is truly a bad writer or a brilliant troll/con artist remains to be seen. See longer update at end of the Poetry Contest Post.

[New York / Marinarachael on Twitter / NYDN / The Independent]

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  • proudgrampa

    Super Bowl tickets. Anyone got any Super Bowl tickets?

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I’ve been working on an inaugural poem:
    .
    There once was a pol name Trumpy
    Whose fingers were terribly stumpy
    He tweeted a lot
    And grabbed at your twat
    And the whole goddam thing is a stinking pile of shit.
    .
    OK, it’s still a work in progress.

    • Rick Hill

      Mine, too

      “Beware the trumptalk, my son!
      The tiny hands that tweet, the clause that catch!
      Beware the Ivanka bird, and shun
      The frumious Melania-snatch!”

      • data_ninja

        Is that from the Grabberwocky?

        • Rick Hill

          That’s good enough towin a certificate for one internet upgrade!

    • FlownOver

      Don’t you dare change a syllable!

      • Rick Hill

        I would change that last to:
        And everywhere in his wake, he left the world a stinking pike of shit

    • Michael Smith

      I seem to remember a similar poem, but it was about Nantucket.

      • FlownOver

        Except completely inappropriate due to long-cock reference.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Still better than the Scottish poem above.

    • Crystalclear12

      Needs more piss.

      • mailman27

        maybe a Trumpy/pee-pee rhyme scheme? Nah, it’s perfect.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      needz moar cursing

    • arglebargle

      Really good poetry don’t need no rhymin’.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Speaking Scottish usurpers, Macbeth much Mr. Cheatheart? Things didn’t turn out so well for that guy, did they?

  • Rick Hill

    Advertising on FB. Well, be fair. It’s a new world, not many of those folks he’s targeting have landlines and they may not have heard about the inauguration….

    • Michael Smith

      I’ve seen advertisements not just for the inauguration, but also for inauguration hoodies and coffee mugs, etc., that you can purchase.

      • Rick Hill

        My advice? Hold out. There will be a sale and you can grab all the trump merch your heart desires for a song.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    For, he’ll never forget us, we men of the crowd

    We women, OTOH, are so screwed…

    • rebecca

      not if you’re a bonny young lass, and an eight or better

      • JMP

        In that case, you’re just groped.

      • mailman27

        You’re an eight? (stolen joke)

        • TheAmazingBeardedLady

          I know that joke.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    How about haiku?

    Running out of votes
    to appease the mighty Rules.
    Are there more options?

    • FlownOver

      “Skullfuck” is allowed.
      It says so right in the Rules.
      All together now…

  • TJ Barke

    The scalpers losing money on this is just icing on the cake.

  • Michael Smith

    What about the old Scottish classic “I’ll take the high road and you take the low road, and your candidate will inexplicably be elected anyway.”

    • C4TWOMAN

      Doesn’t rhyme.

      • Michael Smith

        Damn. One flaw brings the whole thing down.

  • WomanInTheResistance

    Dok, I am in awe. Shoutouts to both Douglas Adams and Dorothy Parker?!? Amazing.

  • elan

    The Vogons write better poetry than this. And they have no sense of irony, taking it for an extreme insult. So you better watch out.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    You just keep believing that, Donnie. And pretend all the buses full of protesters are really chanting “Booo-Trump!”

    You misplaced your hyphen (ever so slightly).

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    When crippling corruption polluted our nation

    And plunged our economy into stagnation

    Um, that would be what Donald will bring about, jagoff…

    • C4TWOMAN

      Themes of projection are rife in this “art”….

      • jodyleek

        And the poem leaves a stench like a taco bowl fart.
        Hey, we made a rhyme!

        • mailman27

          There was an old man from New York
          Who spent many years pulling his pork
          When all of a sudden
          He let go of his puddin’
          And became the first President Dork
          ??

    • JMP

      We’re talking about a guy who has managed to become the most corrupt President since at least Harding without even taking office; and the guy he’s following was completely scandal free. It really is all just projection here, isn’t it?

  • geoffalnutt

    Gee. That’s exactly what Trump Tower will look like after the first nuclear bomb goes off in New Jersey.

  • memzilla Ω

    I’ve seen better poetry on the side of the road with a Burma-Shave sign at the end.
    . https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a4ccf322675e2f21077b0787c90cd93e7d69a2b179f122b84e2bd2f3596e7817.jpg

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Upon finishing the poem, it is customary to raise your sword in the air and shout, “There can be only one!”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald’s desperate tweets make me happy.

    Suffer, maggot. Suffer.

  • CogitoErgoBibo

    With purpose and strength he came down from his tower
    To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power.

    I think something is backwards here. Or maybe Friday is opposite day.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Is this actually the official poem of the inauguration? Article at the Independent seems to imply it’s some freelancer? Would like to clarify before lolololsobbing.

    • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

      “Lolololsobbing.”

      Sums all this up nicely.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Jesus, that poem is comedy gold:

    True friend of the migrant from both far and near

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c5b011e4f5ebc174637783551a51afa982b87f2f72babad2949f65769af6f4ae.gif?w=600&h=375

  • Record-low turnout is still a record.

  • Lizzietish81

    Scottish Poetry isn’t what it used to be…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4W9p_NFm6qk

    • DensityDestiny

      I mean really, Douglas Adams and Monty Python in one post? You people are letting your nerd hang out. Tuck that thing back in.

      • Shucky Ducky

        Nothing to tuck it into–none of us is wearing pants. Often our “nerd” is the only thing any of us is sporting. Wonkette Tradition!

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      “The Mexicans Will Pay Ten Billion Dollars to Build the Wall.”

      A poem by Donald J. Trump

  • Vincent Ricola

    I hope no one shows up and he throws a tantrum on stage like those terrible teenagers on the MTV entitled children birthday party show.

    Fuck off, Donald, everyone hates looking at your face. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

  • Ωbjectifier
  • Jamoche

    Oompa-loompa-doompadee-dee
    If you are wise you’ll listen to meOompa-loompa-doompadee-die
    Here’s what you get when your life is a lie

    What do you get when you’re backing a chump?
    Whose life is clean as the trash in a dump?
    You’ll get the boot in the next ratings slump
    Fired by wee Donnie Trump
    The tiny fingered twitter twat

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    And speaking of women:

    Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps

    Teach women to look and behave like us chaps,

    The Domhnall defends the defenseless forlorn;

    For, a woman’s first right is the right to be born.

    Now the bonnie young lassies that fly to the crowd

    Have a champion in Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-FI2z3UMeTAM/UI3tSPvSmJI/AAAAAAAACe8/jCzTgTu1RaM/s1600/elevator+eyes.gif

    • jodyleek

      Well, you’ve gotta admit there is some truth in those lines. Donnie Dingleberry is technically a “chap” I guess and he does flap his trap like an old harridan.

  • That’s a coincidence, I was working on a poem for Trump’s inauguration day:

    “Roses are red, the President Elect is orange,
    nothing rhymes with orange, fuck Donald Trump.

    “Pussy grabbing sociopath, tiny wee fingers,
    round his body, the smell of Russian pee lingers (allegedly)”

    It’s a work in progress, guys.

  • Tallmutha

    Posted this in another thread where it was egregiously OT, but I read on the Twitturz that Expedia shows 61 hotels in downtown Washington DC with available rooms this weekend, and AirB&B has 300+ openings.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      That’s good news for people going to the Women’s March who are too far to make a day trip out of it.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    You couldn’t do better than that if you hired Zombie Byron himself to troll the Urination.

  • Treg Brown
    • Lizzietish81

      ahem

      WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU GUYS A YEAR AGO?!

      • Treg Brown

        Totally agree Lizzie

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson
      • They’ve been busy. There’s a lot of porn on the internet.

      • WomanInTheResistance

        Screaming right there with you.

        WTF TOOK YOU SO LONG???

      • timpundit

        No fucking shit. Which makes me think they are full of shit now.

        • Jennaratrix

          I started to think that when the kid who installed our Google Fiber strongly hinted that Anonymous was his previous “job.”

      • Snopes Shop

        They are worthless and they are also lumping Trump and Clinton together as people who need to “go down”.

    • Martini Ambassador

      Well, not sure you’ll have 4 years, Anon. But it’s about fucking time. Christ!

    • Tallmutha

      COME ON SPILL, HE TAKES THE OATH IN THREE DAYS!

  • Nounverb911
    • Unpresidented Ron

      ‘I had to put all my other work on hold to take that gig. Now I’m going to be late producing that copy of “Hamlet.”‘

    • Bill D. Burger

      Give Peggy some gin and she’ll be fine.

  • Treg Brown
    • Mary Stone

      ^^^^^We have ANOTHER candidate for official photographic portrait^^^^^, but someone needs to shop Vlady’s other leg into the shot, unless we’re all agreeing that Vlady is riding this rough beast sidesaddle?

  • Tallmutha

    Well, I wasn’t going to go, but if Bikers for Trump are on their way, wellllllll…..

  • C4TWOMAN

    “When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains”

    Whoa, I thought they liked slavery. You know, for those dirty brown folk, what don’t know none better.

    /SARC

    • puredog

      “When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains” aka “When pussy-grabbing is so non-U”

  • JMP

    Wait, how could he “snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power” when Obama is as far from a tyrant as one can get and got his power by winning two actual landslide elections? And that’s before you get to the part where Trump himself is an actual authoritarian fascist. That makes no sense at all!

    • “Tyrant with ill-gotten power” means “Black man”.

      • JMP

        Oh yeah. And “When freedom is threatened by slavery’s chains” means “when the white men aren’t allowed to enslave the minorities and women”.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        Seems pretty ironic to refer to anyone else other than Trump in those terms, but you git on wit yer bad self, Mr. [Alleged] Poetguy!

  • Martini Ambassador

    That “poem” might be the best trolling ever.

    What? It’s supposed to be sincere?!

  • WotsAllThisThen

    Speaking of Bikers for Trump, any Presidential historians know the current record for the number of swastika tattoos at an Inauguration?

    • Jennaratrix

      After Friday, I’m pretty sure the answer will be “AOT, K?”

    • Roadstergal

      I am very much into motorcycles, as are a lot of my friends on FB, and our consensus response to Bikers For Trump is “Thanks for making us look like assholes, you wobbly twatwaffles.”

  • Lance Thrustwell

    WAIT waitwaitwaitwait. No, dear God in Heaven no. PLEASE tell me that’s some sort of god damn fucking joke.

    I just read that piece of subliterate, militaristic doggerel. I KNOW from bad poetry. I KNOW about kitchen verse, and vapid, soothing lines written to stir the simpleminded. This is WORSE than that. Those galloping dactyls are nothing but flimsy, nakedly propagandistic imitations of poetry. It is an obscene, Satanic mockery of art and feeling.

    After all the revolting bullshit that’s happened, I know I might seem like I’m overreacting to this one detail. But God damn it, can’t those people leave one truly uplifting, apolitical element of this excruciating charade alone?

    God DAMN those fuckers to hell. I would slit their throats and dance on their graves.

    With. {teeth grinding}. Votes.

  • proudgrampa

    This is almost as good as “It was a dark and stormy night…”

    “William Topaz McGonagall, poet and tragedian of Dundee, has been widely hailed as the writer of the worst poetry in the English language. A self-educated hand loom weaver of Irish descent, he discovered his discordant muse in 1877 and embarked upon a 25 year career as a working poet, delighting and appalling audiences across Scotland and beyond.

    “His audiences threw rotten fish at him, the authorities banned his performances, and he died a pauper over a century ago. But his books remain in print to this day, and he’s remembered and quoted long after more talented contemporaries have been forgotten.”

    The Tay Bridge Disaster

    Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay!
    Alas! I am very sorry to say
    That ninety lives have been taken away
    On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
    Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

    ’Twas about seven o’clock at night,
    And the wind it blew with all its might,
    And the rain came pouring down,
    And the dark clouds seem’d to frown,
    And the Demon of the air seem’d to say-
    “I’ll blow down the Bridge of Tay.”

    When the train left Edinburgh
    The passengers’ hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
    But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
    Which made their hearts for to quail,
    And many of the passengers with fear did say-
    “I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay.”

    But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
    Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
    And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay
    On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
    Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

    So the train sped on with all its might,
    And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
    And the passengers’ hearts felt light,
    Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
    With their friends at home they lov’d most dear,
    And wish them all a happy New Year.

    So the train mov’d slowly along the Bridge of Tay,
    Until it was about midway,
    Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
    And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!
    The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
    Because ninety lives had been taken away,
    On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
    Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

    As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
    The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
    And the cry rang out all o’er the town,
    Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,
    And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
    Which fill’d all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
    And made them for to turn pale,
    Because none of the passengers were sav’d to tell the tale
    How the disaster happen’d on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
    Which will be remember’d for a very long time.

    It must have been an awful sight,
    To witness in the dusky moonlight,
    While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
    Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay,
    Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay,
    I must now conclude my lay
    By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
    That your central girders would not have given way,
    At least many sensible men do say,
    Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
    At least many sensible men confesses,
    For the stronger we our houses do build,
    The less chance we have of being killed.

    • yyyaz

      Truly odious doggerel of the first water. I can now die peacefully, smug that I am not closely related.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      My opine should never waffle.
      ‘Tis true that poem is really awful.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Okay Obama. The poem is out there. You don’t have to be nice anymore; tell us how you really feel about Trump.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    It’s nae authentic Scottish Vogon poetry if it doesn’t reference the ferret-topped shitgibbon in more colorful language.

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    Barnum & Bailey circus announces ceasing operations and suggests Donald’s inauguration as an alternative.

    • Bill D. Burger

      “The Greatest Schmo on Earth!” ___ Come one! Come all!

      • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

        Less elephants but fabulous clowns that I have met, believe me.

  • Unpresidented Ron

    Satire is dead. And its corpse it stinking to high heaven.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Just don’t try blowing it up with dynamite. Bad idea.

      https://youtu.be/pAW4mntPM-w

      • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

        Thanks. Cheered me the fuck up.

    • Sartre is dead and has become an object for the external world.

      • yyyaz

        Sartre: The external world is now dead to me.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    “Now choose! Either die in a nuclear war or… tell me how good you thought my poem was.”

    • Bill D. Burger

      ~thinking….~

  • Crystalclear12

    I hope you’re happy, Wonkette, I had to gnaw my arm off!

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      But you had your towel to help stem the bleeding, right?

      • Crystalclear12

        Of course, I always know where my towel is!

    • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

      I hear you. My support group can’t deal with my masochistic tendencies.

  • Rick Hill

    And, trump continues his twittput event, hitting John Lewis again
    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/821368088935432196

    • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

      His PR research team is good, considering he didn’t know who Lewis was a week ago.

      • Rick Hill

        “Find out when he lied! I know he isn’t as good as he says!”
        “But sir, the Israelis are still on line one, Mercedes’ CEO is still waiting in the front room, he wants to discuss bringing his plant…”
        “Just do what I say and find out where this guy lied!!”

  • doktorzoom

    Guys. Guys. I am fucking falling in love with the Authentic Lyrical glurge of Joseph Charles McKenzie. He could very well be this century’s Emmeline Grangerford.

    • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

      O_o

    • Lance Thrustwell

      The splurts from his ventricles of feeling beplaque my dendrites. I will call him Robert Churns, honorarily.

    • Doug Langley

      Do I want to know who Emmeline Grangerford is?

      • doktorzoom

        Yes, definitely. You have Google for a reason.

        • Doug Langley

          Hmm, shows you how long ago I read it.

  • Master Contrail Program

    So what I’m hearing is this weekend could be a bonanza for fascists, authoritarians, AND Al Harrington?https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1a66526b881a369673f0c4ac09480c0f666f775229f811096ff7966acc54dd4d.jpg

  • ViveLaPeésistance

    Was the guy who wrote South of the Border’s billboards unavailable? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/af1043f01968b9b0a61017862202f9c2ec51a827c711d5e4cefda4fa463225d8.png

  • Mr. Blobfish

    To snatch from a tyrant his ill-gotten power

    Birther poetry?

  • JMP

    You know, conservatives, when you pretend to care for the interests of black people while showing that you believe all black people live in poverty, and that all black neighborhoods are filled with crime and drugs, you kind of prove that you actually are in fact a racist, bigly.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Just in case, you know, more proof were needed.

  • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

    Let me guess, Mel Gibson is reading it? And, the Scottish were conquered by the English, so no.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      “Freeeeeeeeeedom!”

  • motmelere

    I’d rather spend $700 on tickets for an eastern European puppet show! Wait a minute…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ THIS ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ You win. All the upfists.

    • Unpresidented Ron

      <golf clap>

  • Red Bird Resistance Engineer

    I’ll never get tired of hearing white Americans complain about their struggle against slavery.

  • mailman27

    The whole “hapless harridans.. flapping traps/…chaps” is kinda like Ogden Nash, only really fucking bad.

    • Notreelyhelping

      The golden trashery of Ogden Nashery?

    • JH Marx, Resister

      Ogden Nash is my favorite poet!

  • Groundloop

    As an authority on poetry, Old Handsome Joe Biden had this response:

    https://media.giphy.com/media/G1Zu26ae7mZr2/giphy.gif

  • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

    It’s fucking disgraceful. To use your ‘Naug to trash your predecessor? I can’t even. Seriously. I cannot.

    • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

      OK, I feel better. Upon further reading, nobody is saying that horrible … thing … is going to be read at the ‘Naug.

      • Unpresidented Ron

        So we might have dodged a bullet. Too bad they’ve got a drum magazine.

        • Mary Stone

          Drum magazines are notorious for getting jammed in combat. Just saying.

  • baconzgood

    He can’t even hire a poet? BAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

  • Okay, I’m really torn about this…which is the better term: ‘hoofwanking bunglecunts’, or ‘gormless bunglecunts”?

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      I’d choose “hoofwanking,” personally, but then I have no fear of gorms (either having them or not having them).

    • Mary Stone

      I like hoofwanking. I am particularly grooving on the image of his own “Trump” in ragged, destroyed shreds as a result of his “hoofwanking” — :passes brain bleach:

  • Master Contrail Program

    So I guess after travelling the nation for years and delighting generations with his verses, the Shithouse Poet has finally hit the big time.

    “Here I sit so brokenhearted” indeed…….

    • puredog

      Usually I’ve come here and dumped,
      But this time I’ve instead Trumped.

  • timpundit

    There once was a man from Nantucket.
    Who also agreed with everyone that trump is a racist, sociopath child molester and Russian plant.

    Hey great poems don’t have to rhyme.

    • BosGrl

      Modernist traditional lyric hater!

    • Here’s my inauguration haiku:

      Inauguration.
      Trump needs to go away now.
      Leave us in peace, please.

    • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

      We are all William S Burroughs this week. Go for it.

  • BosGrl

    Where’s Duncan McLeod when we need him?

  • Unpresidented Ron

    Okay, I get it, there can be only one. But why, O Lord, did it have to be THIS one?

  • BosGrl

    Don’t the Scots hate him?

    • Unpresidented Ron

      Unless ‘cunt’ is a compliment, yes.

      • Rick Hill

        “Oh, they’ll have their war…”

    • Jamoche

      Yeah, I posted their response to him downthread: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zvNu3qgjno

    • Yr. Gma

      Yes.

  • Tallmutha

    Hmm, on the Society of Classical Poets webpage, there is a section for comments (PSSSST, JUST SAYING, WONKETTE) on this poem. It starts out dishearteningly, with praise! Leveler heads prevail, though, and this becomes more typical of the responses:

    “Posturing, pretentious and worse, idiotic. This is poetry as though it were being produced at a pretzel kiosk in some run-down mall 2 months from shuttering its doors. A 14 year old, handing this in to a mid-level high school English course would receive, at best, a B-, though if it were a student that anyone expected anything from, the grade would be lower still. I’ve read more inspiring words, strung together with more lyricality on the closed part of bathroom doors in rooms befouled with horrible stenches, all of which are sweeter than the stink from this odious bit of crap.”

    • Vincent Ricola

      Delightful.

      Edit: “A poem so terrible it makes people nostalgic for Hitler.”

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Good grief. Is that supposed to be a serious website? I thought I worked with a bunch of pretentious turdblossoms.

    • WomanInTheResistance

      Lovely.

  • Ambignostic

    I really want to understand what “five hundred years of a blasphemous lie” refers to. I mean, I don’t, but I have to know anyway.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I’d guess he thinks the slaves were a happy lot.

    • LucindathePook

      Protestantism?

      • Mary Stone

        Humanism and the scientific method. That’s my guess.

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Isn’t that how old most Trump voters think the earth is?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Olav_Pompatus

    My contribution for the Inaugural Haiku:

    Orange Cheetos Jesus
    His tiny hands bully all.
    The U.S. is fucked.

    • weejee

      Sweet. Here’s a hanky to wipe-off the orange crumbs.

  • baconzgood

    NOW THAT’S POETRY!

  • Randy Riddle

    This poem is the lingual equivalent of a Jon McNaughton painting.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      I ain’t licking that painting.

    • Gwennie_G

      THAT’S the guy I was trying to think of!

      • Randy Riddle

        I was having trouble remembering his name too. So I typed in “guy who paints Obama burning Constitution” into a Google search and it came right up.

  • Roadstergal

    A Trump presidency does indeed counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor.

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

      Does this mean we get to throw him out the airlock?

      • WomanInTheResistance

        With votes. Lots and lots of votes.

  • Pisciatoiojohn

    Pretty bad, but he can’t hold a candle to James McIntyre.

    http://www.poemhunter.com/p/t/poet.asp?poet=6599

  • Bill D. Burger

    The Donald is truly ill-bred
    On meeting a fair lass, it is said
    As manners demand
    She offered her hand
    But he grabbed her pussy instead

    Thank yew!!! __ I’ll show myself out. And McKenzie…suck it.

  • Poorly Behaved Résistanista

    At the bottom of the article in the Independent, is this:

    “Among the few artists currently on the bill are 3 Doors Down, country music star Toby Keith and America’s Got Talent finalist Jackie Evancho. Singers said to have turned down the opportunity to perform include …,” hee hee hee, everyone else. Literally, every other one asked. (Ha, used literally correctly there, didn’t I?)

  • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn
    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Today we are all Barfing Unicorns.

      • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

        Somebody should write a poem about that.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Can you imagine the children in the future (attending privatized public schools of course) who may have to memorize this abomination of the language? I thought having to memorize the Gettysburg Address sucked.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Greatest Schmo On Earth is coming to D.C. ….

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZ-u9srWEAIY65U.jpg

  • Ms.Moon

    This inauguration is shaping up to be a Mexican back alley plastic surgery affair and the after math will probably be as awfully botched as expected but I do hope that the Clintons and Obamas sit together and shade the proceedings but in a classy way.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      I’m incredibly certain he’s going to attack them. And the press is going to double down even harder.

  • President in Exile Firefly

    There once was a man from Trump Tower
    ______________________
    ______________________
    ______________________
    ______________________

    I leave the rest to the revolutionary snarking masses.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      There once was a man from Trump Tower
      who liked to be peed on by whores
      He said with a smile, as it dripped off his nose,
      But I never would drink it, that’s gross!

    • Bill D. Burger

      There once was a man from Trump Tower
      Who loved a good golden shower
      He wasn’t a looker
      And needed a hooker
      To provide some strong water power.

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      There once was a man from Trump Tower
      Okay, not so much a man. More like a giant baby.
      Except no, babies grow out of bed-wetting and other childish behavior.
      So I got nothing.

    • President in Exile Firefly

      There once was a man from Trump Tower, and let me tell you, it’s a tremendous tower. Very tall, classy, luxurious. This man, he had really yooge hands, no matter what some magazine said about his hands. That magazine, not very funny. Went out of business. Sad.

    • Mary Stone

      There once was a man from Trump Tower
      Who installed a 24-karat golden shower
      In it he would play, micturating all day
      with professionals paid by the hour

  • Unpresidented Ron

    Edgar Allan Poe, ‘The Poetic Principle’
    Poor Poe is spinning so fast in his grave me may end up in Baltimore Harbor.

  • Swampay

    The Domhnall’s a giver whilst others just take,
    Ne’er gaining from that which his hands did not make.

    He doesn’t know his man very well, does he?

  • WiscoJoe

    There once was a man from Trump Tower
    Who suddenly came into power
    He was not legit
    His legacy shit
    He drowned in a huge golden shower

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      I think you should submit this to the urination committee.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    There’s only one Scottish poet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hp4mENrAnq4

    • Phoenixdoglover

      Another classic:

      I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday,
      for a hamburger today.

  • MrBlifil
    • chortlingdingo

      Now that’s just sad.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Srsly? When I thought he was a Scotsman, I was righteously angry at him. But now… I can’t feel too angry at this sad, deluded man without a soul or a clue.

      But I DO feel angry that the Trump people would commission this asshole to write partisan, propagandistic doggerel. They could have settled for some vapid air about striving, and patriotism, and America. But NOOO! They had to let slip the chihuahuas of war!

      • Mary Stone

        The Freedom Kids’ “Trump Anthem” had lyrics that were better written. Trump stiffed them too. My hope is he stiffs this happy idiot as well.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT2oAYGkB3c

        Listen closely, and you’ll hear that they are sampling the backbeat of Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” underneath this recitative mess.

        I hope Blondie has sued them for copyright infringement.

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Wow. We may have found the one person on earth with a bigger ego than Donald.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      lol

    • MamaBrown

      I think I just peed a little, from trying to strangle my hysterical laughter at my desk and look like I’m administrating

      • Bozilingus

        Should a woman be at work if she is administrating? – Donnie J. tRump

    • Doug Langley

      It’s true! I remember my lit teacher in high school, rhapsodizing about how Shakespeare was the second greatest poet in history, behind only Joe McKenzie!

    • Mary Stone

      “There’s some pee coming out of me right now.”

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Edith Prickly

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    That’s all I got.

  • BrianW

    My takeaway from this article was not the bad poetry (although yes, it’s bad) but that a guy with the name of Yossi Rosenberg thought people at the Daily Stormer would buy tickets from him. In keeping with the ugly stereotypes on display, I thought the Jooooos were supposed to be good at business?

    • Scrofula

      Well his screen name is Odin Joostomper.

      • BrianW

        Yeah, but I went and watched the video. I don’t think a fake screen name is going to be of much help. Deliberate deception or self-hatred? Occam’s Razor doesn’t seem to be of any use here.

        • Scrofula

          As though the yokels in Harrison, Arkansas know what a JOO looks like that doesn’t fit their caricatures. I mean, without a yarmulke and a twenty-pound hook nose, they’re lost.

          • BrianW

            Yep, fair enough.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning

    Putty. Putty. Putty.
    Green Putty – Grutty Peen.
    Grarmpitutty – Morning!
    Pridsummer – Grorning Utty!
    Discovery….. Oh.
    Putty?….. Armpit?
    Armpit….. Putty.
    Not even a particularly
    Nice shade of green.
    As I lick my armpit and shall agree,
    That this putty is very well green.

    • The Wanderer

      Grunthos the Flatulent! No!

      (gnaws own leg off in escape attempt)

  • goonemeritus

    Unlike when Obama won no one is getting laid.

    • ViveLaPeésistance

      Heh. Good times!

    • Rick Hill

      Maybe not. Birth rates go up 9 months after a huge disaster.

  • Gwennie_G

    This guy is the poetic equivalent of that artist who painted the picture of President Obama stepping on the constitution .

    • Mary Stone

      Is Donald Trump having his official portrait painted on black velvet in glow-in-the-dark pigments? By jove, I think he is.

  • Rick Hill

    We welcome our new, puny handed overlord

    Oh, my gaze
    Cast down
    ‘pon this once
    Great land
    The ruined ‘scape of
    One man’s weak pride….
    I turn, the sky
    Where a sun should be
    Now, only the black of the
    Soul who stole
    Our present and passed
    The future like a scone.
    All for his place at
    The table we used to call
    Our own.

  • Scrofula

    Like the disclaimer in Harper’s: “Unsolicited poetry will be neither considered or returned.”

  • Carpe Vagenda

    I met a traveller from an antique land,
    Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
    Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
    Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
    And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
    Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
    Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
    The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
    And on the pedestal, these words appear:
    My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
    Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
    Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
    Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
    The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

    • chortlingdingo

      One of my favorite poems!

  • Rick Hill

    How ’bout a national joke, instead?
    http://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/ayLGNpq_460s.jpg

    • The Wanderer

      Hurrah for a Methodist with a sensayuma.

  • chortlingdingo

    I just like that he’s blaming modernism for no one wanting to publish his shitty poetry.

    • Mary Stone

      It’s not modernism that makes us hate your brain dribblings, dear sir, it’s the fact that our eyes are in fact wired to functioning brains.

      I am reminded of “The Stuffed Owl” and the prefatory Proem therein:

      So sing the Masters of Bathetic Verse
      Follow their lead: do better, doing worse.
      So shall your brows be crown’d with bays unwith’ring
      So shall the world be blither for your blith’ring
      So—-”

      Here she pauses, deep inhales the breeze
      and shakes the earth with cataclysmic sneeze
      The dust-heaps crumble, whirling clouds arise,
      And all is blotted from my blinking eyes.

  • amindofitsown

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Obama wasn’t a tyrant
    That would be you

  • eggsacklywright

    Slouching towards Washington…

    • Mary Stone

      And what rough beast, it’s hour come round at last, slouches off to Pennsylvania avenue
      To be pissed on by hookers.

      • it always sounds better in ‘merican.

  • Me not sure

    There was an orange man from New York.
    Who liked to eat shit with a fork.
    Instead of fleeing from whores that were peeing,
    He just plugged them up with a cork.

    • Doug Langley

      You get my vote as Presidential Poet.

      • Me not sure

        Do I get a wreath of laurels?

        • JustDon’tSayPeePee

          You get exposure. What else ya want?

          • Me not sure

            I’m just glad I don’t have pay off anybody.

        • Doug Langley

          Howzbout a Golden Stream?

          • Me not sure

            Not in my playbook.

  • IOnlyLikeCats

    It’s like Christian music… but somehow, worse.

  • Beanz&Berryz

    According to those who know, Vogon poetry is only the third worst in the universe, so it goes to show, Donnie isn’t scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel…

    • WomanInTheResistance

      3 Doors Down?

      • Beanz&Berryz

        That lovely spot just off Hawthorne… That’s different

        • puredog

          Yeah, that has been confusing me for several days.

    • The Wanderer

      Nickelback?

      • ViveLaPeésistance

        Sorry, no refunds on tickets to the Urination Ceremony.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Thomas Shadwell?

      John Dryden said TS could “…torture a word ten thousand ways.”

      Dat’s baaaaaaaaad’!

    • hendenburg2

      Still third worst. Since the Earth hasn’t yet been destroyed, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings’ still exists.

  • Jack Tenhet

    Reading that “poem” really made me rethink giving up day drinking.

  • Iam Reading

    Wait….a jew trying to scalp tickets on a Nazi website? Does not mother fucking compute.

    • Bill D. Burger

      Is Milo Yiannopoulos trying to make friends with the Nazis again?

  • Bill D. Burger
  • Bill D. Burger

    ACDC will perform at the inauguration but will agree to do only one of their hits: “Highway to Hell.”

    • hendenburg2

      To be fair, them playing one hit on repeat is the same as them playing all their hits.

      To quote Angus: “I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sounds exactly the same, In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same. “

    • Royal Ugly Dude

      Donnie probably thinks he has the biggest inaugural balls of them all.

  • Bill D. Burger
    • HogeyeGrex

      Scrolling by, my eye conflated “goes” and “Bible” to “Goebbels.”

    • James Yakura

      What do people have against the Bellamy salute?

      • Mary Stone

        Everything.

  • GHERKINS OF RESTIVENESS!

    Domhnall?
    Nice avant-tard poeticial mis-spelting of “Damn ‘Hole,” there, Sandy

    • Odd Jørgensen

      doom and all

  • Saxo the Grammarian

    Christ on a bike, what a fucking rip-off of Sir Walter Scott!

  • natoslug

    Was it poetic license or just shitty spelling when the “poet” repeatedly spelled “manky clod” wrong?

  • natoslug

    Makes Jon McNaughton look subtle and good in comparison.

  • Courser

    Robert Burns is spinning in his grave at Warp Speed.

    I find his horrifyingly offensive.

    • harryr

      William Topaz McGonagall is spinning in his grave.

  • HogeyeGrex

    As Heinlein once wrote, “Beware of poets who read their work in public. They may have other nasty habits.”

  • Mary Stone

    The dead cat vendor is going to run out of merchandise inside of 1 hour. Everyone? I strongly suggest that you purchase your formaldehyde-preserved dissection specimens for the first ever ceremonial throwing of the dead and rotting animals as far in advance as you can, and then store them in a warm, moist place at least 48 hours before the inauguration. When the poet laureate of this shitshow starts declaiming, you’ll all know what to do…

  • Doug Langley

    For some reason, I’m having flashbacks to the poetry writing class I took in college. (Purely by accident, the good electives were filled up and I thought it was poetry reading.) One assignment was to take a popular song and redo the lyrics. My effort was nowhere near as good as the one guy’s:

    Leprosy
    I’m not half the man I used to be

    • JustDon’tSayPeePee

      That is so fkn wrong, man…

  • Blanche Beecham

    That poem is awful.

  • Vel Venturi

    Scots wha the hell?

  • azeyote

    after the verses are read, the songs sung , the booze drank, and the joints smoked – trump will be president and we’re fucked

  • sgt. jmk of the résistance

    Holy mother of Murgatroyd, that is AWFUL.

    • Keith Taylor

      It really is. I’m a terrible poet, and I could still do better than THAT. I’d think it has to be send-up, has to be. Then I remember that Steve Bannon was made Trump’s chief advisor. There is literally nothing this mob can’t do with a straight face.

  • CripesAmighty

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Here’s a new verse
    From Shit Fling Poo.

    Easy Peasy.

  • Robert James Nugent

    A guy named Rosenberg didn’t see much help on the Daily Stormer? Really?

  • HazooToo

    Is he doing this to get back at Scotland? Like he did with LL Bean, for snubbing one of his weird toadies? Because the last thing Scotland wants is for anyone to associate Trump with them.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Is it too late to wish for the earth to destoryed to make room for a bypass?

    • Keith Taylor

      I’m afraid it is. As I remember, Vogon poetry was only the THIRD worst in the universe. After Trump’s inauguration, it’ll probably rank fourth.

    • lowtechcyclist

      I’m gonna get a bumper sticker saying, “My President is Zaphod Beeblebrox.”

      Next to Trump, Zaphod looks like a model of sober, responsible governance.

  • JBL20010

    My inaugural poem:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    Donald is orange
    Fuck him.

    • GENIUS!!!!!! You, sir, have a very nice Longfellow! (Wait, that didn’t come out right…)

    • Kelli Cole

      Outstanding!

  • handyhippie65

    they will need a lot more stone pillars to tie people to.

  • gingerland62

    This part is disturbing,
    Whilst hapless old harridans flapping their traps
    Teach women to look and behave like us chaps,
    The Domhnall defends the defenseless forlorn;
    For, a woman’s first right is the right to be born.
    Now the bonnie young lassies that fly to the crowd
    Have a champion in Domhnall, the best of MacLeod!

    I don’t know what a harridan is but I think I might be one.

  • Ellen D.

    In Scotland, in Aberdeen, Trump built a wall,
    The neighbors, such whiners, will pay for it all.
    They wanted their view unobstructed you see,
    So up goes the wall, that’ll learn ‘em, says he.
    They’ll sell me their land, such losers, so weak.
    I’m Domnhall, I’ll grab it, they’ll let me, next week.

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