SHARE
Now there's something you don't see every day, Edgar.
Now there’s something you don’t see every day, Edgar.

So on top of everything else today, the Watergate complex caught fire. On the 13th floor, if you like superstition. Just let that sink in, like pee in a Moscow Ritz-Carlton mattress, as it were.

The Washington, D.C., Fire and Emergency Medical Services Department said just after 2 p.m. that crews had extinguished the fire and were trying to eliminate smoke from several floors in the complex.

The department said no injuries had been reported.

The cause of the fire is still under investigation, but fire marshals have not ruled out the possibility the conflagration resulted from excessive friction, such as might be generated in a veritable orgy of rat-fucking.

And while the alleged video from Donald Trump’s 2013 WaterSportsGate has yet to surface (Penthouse is offering a million bucks to any enterprising spies out there), there is at least video of the fire at the Watergate, from Patrick Garrigan, the Senior Director of Business Development at The Atlantic, who took the video from his very own nearby building:

Note to the screenwriters for the “January 11” episode of this 2017 program: You’re laying it on a little thick, aren’t you? Nobody’s going to believe this; maybe dial it back a bit? G. Gordon Liddy is complaining this is a tad over the top.

In unrelated news, a flowerpot with a red flag threw itself off Bob Woodward’s balcony, plummeting to the street below. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why its final thoughts were “Oh no, not again,” we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.

All we need now is a flash mob of people wearing trench coats converging on DC-area parking garages.

[The Hill / Patrick Garrigan on Twitter]

Hell.No. Hats
GIVE US MONEY! -

$5.00 Add to cart

  • MynameisBlarney

    I can’t EVEN with this.

    • willi0000000

      that’s odd.

  • dslindc

    The Watergate is one of the ugliest structures in all of DC. Brutalism is the worst kind of architecture.

    • Unpresidented Ron

      Only when people don’t know how it’s supposed to be done.

  • OneYieldRegular

    However, the fire was quickly put out by Russian hookers.

  • Oblios_Cap

    In unrelated news, a flowerpot with a red flag threw itself off Bob Woodward’s balcony, plummeting to the street below.

    Deep. And Throaty.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Or in this case Pee Throat.

  • Daisy

    Yeah, I’m starting to think that the trees were a bad move after all.

    • JustDon’tSayPeePee

      But but but – digital watches!

      • Daisy

        Meh.

        • JustDon’tSayPeePee

          Fitbit?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Nixon’s ghost is pissed off for him being compared to Trumpee’s “I am not a Putin asset” presser.

  • msanthropesmr

    I’ve always thought that the universe was fundamentally flawed.

    • Oblios_Cap

      We apologize for the inconvenience.

      • JustDon’tSayPeePee

        One of my favorite parts.

    • JustDon’tSayPeePee

      Eddy’s in the space-time continuum. Again.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Eddy’s got a lot to answer for.

    • BadKitty904

      You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. We only had seven days to make it.

      ~ Randall, Time Bandits

      • Sister Artemis

        One of my favorite lines from Time Bandits.

      • msanthropesmr

        ‘dont touch it it’s evil’ is the best advice I have heard in a long time.

        • Sister Artemis

          That’s one of my other faves AND I use it all the time, especially at work where very few people catch it.

        • BadKitty904

          One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.

      • The Wanderer

        Great movie.

        “Clean that all up! And be careful, that’s concentrated Evil!”

        • BadKitty904

          Dead? No excuse for laying off work.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          As we skirt the edge of the Bog of Eternal Stench.

    • BearOmegaNomNom

      So Long and Thanks For All the Piss.

  • BadKitty904

    Given the recent news, can you blame it?

    • Daisy

      Not at all.

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      I have PTSD so I totally understand what it’s going through right now.

      • BadKitty904

        There, there…

      • Unpresidented Ron

        Would it lighten the mood any if I told you we ALL have Post Trump Stress Disorder now?

  • schmannity

    A Third Rate Arson.

    –Zombie Nixon

  • JMP

    Probably again the fault of a negligent plumber.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Probably some Cuban chap.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Where is Rafael Cruz?

        • JustDon’tSayPeePee

          Not at work, I’m pretty fucking sure.
          Which, all in all, is probably for the best.

  • Oh, dear. Have we achieved Watergategate? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?

    • Pisciatoiojohn

      IT’S THE MORONIC CONVERGENCE!!!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    “On January 20th Donald Trump will place his hand on a book he hasn’t read, swear an oath he won’t keep and promise to defend a constitution he doesn’t understand.”

    • Beanz&Berryz

      bigly…

    • MynameisBlarney

      And then, the Pee-Pee Parties begin in earnest.

      • Mary Sandoras

        Have we fully transited from the Tea Party to the Pee Party today? I think so.

        • MynameisBlarney

          That’s perfect!

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Penthouse is offering a million bucks to any enterprising spies out there

    Welcome to 2017, where the news will be presented by pornographers. Interesting times, indeed…

    • Mary Sandoras

      Teen magazines, also, too.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      Well, considering what we’re watching is obscenity…

    • Martini Ambassador

      Given the (alleged) proclivities of the current PEEOTUS, this might indeed be a very fruitful line of investigation.

      • H0mer0

        I thought beans were the musical fruit.

    • Pisciatoiojohn

      Dear Penthouse,

      I never thought this would,happen to me, but one time when I was with MI-6 . . .

    • Celtic_Gnome

      And I didn’t even know Penthouse was still a thing.

    • Paul

      Shades of Larry Flynt.

  • JustDon’tSayPeePee

    Liddy prolly knows over-the-top when he sees it.

  • Okay, look, God, if you were really going to put me into a reality show simulation without telling me, the least you could have done was recast my body with a devastatingly handsome 30 year-old one with washboard abs and a fresh liver.

    • JustDon’tSayPeePee

      hell, I’d settle for the liver part

      • doktorzoom

        With a nice chianti! F-f-f-f-f-fff

        • JustDon’tSayPeePee

          …and I’m cleaning the keyboard again…

      • Msgr_MΩment

        Liver’s the worst.

        • JustDon’tSayPeePee

          Yes, please. Or braunshweiger, pretty much the same thing.

          b/c iswydt

        • The Wanderer

          Uh-uh! Not with onions and bacon, it isn’t!

      • arglebargle

        The liver is evil, and must be destroyed.

        • Skeptical_thinker

          I have been doing my best for the last 50 years.

        • Doug Langley

          So that’s why my doctor prescribed the statin medicine?

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      We could at least be compensated for this.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Anybody piss on it yet?

  • MynameisBlarney
    • BearOmegaNomNom

      Because piss got boring?

  • Martini Ambassador

    Ruskie prostitute pee-pee shenanigans is sort of a Watergate.

    Meh, weak. I give you this instead: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/edf2b827676c730d420341e57221be85de7fc20898ca9633e4dd9924b9958d19.jpg d:

  • Creepoman

    If there’s a conspiracy behind this, do we call it “Watergate-gate” or “Watergate-ghazi”?

    • IOnlyLikeCats

      I like “ghazi”, if only to mix it up a little.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Pardon me. I thought you were still talking about Make Watergate.

      • JustDon’tSayPeePee

        “Pardon me”
        bahahahahahaaaa!!!!

      • Creepoman

        Make Water Great Again?

        • puredog

          (never mind)

    • For the sake of brevity, how about Waterghazi?

  • Bill D. Burger

    Poor Watergate. Probably heard that Nixon was back and tried to commit suicide.

    SAD.

  • Crystalclear12

    it’s PTSD was triggered by the news and it acted out.
    Nothing to see here, move along.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Suicide triggered by irrelevancy.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I’d like to make a Reichstag comparison.

    • Msgr_MΩment

      They were having a promotion of Cristal at the hotel bar this evening.

      I think someone just must have misunderstood the significance of the name of the event.

      • Nounverb911

        The hotel was having a Bill Kristol Nacht?

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Was there a dumpster involved?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    BTW, too many to copy-paste but Penthouse’s Twitter feed is hilarious!

    • Msgr_MΩment

      Dear Penthouse Twitter,
      I never knew that you existed, muchless believed anything on here, but, fuckit, here goes…..

    • puredog

      Um — I may have gone to the wrong place or not know how to follow a Twitter thread, but mostly all I saw was nudies and the occasional passing reference to the reward offer. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But as to hilarity, not so much.

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        Damn…they were their earlier. I guess they relieved themselves and moved on, like PEEOTUS wants to do…

  • timpundit
    • HogeyeGrex
      • Barbarartanner

        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ud446c:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
        !ud446c:
        ➽➽
        ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash726DigitalRockGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!ud446c:….,……..

    • Doug Langley

      At least Nixon got through two elections before the scandal hit him. Donald can’t even manage the inauguration.

    • azeyote

      trump – and that ain’t no bottle

  • Nounverb911
  • Msgr_MΩment

    Were any blowjobs between consenting adults involved?

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      No. Unfortunately, that would be an impeachable offense.

  • Vincent Ricola

    Seems right.

  • Wild Cat

    You know, I’m glad the neo-nazi is just into pee and ladies who still qualify for the Girl Scouts. If he had a farting fetish, I may have to totally quit Teh Internetz.

    • The Wanderer

      But it’d certainly be funnier.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      Wasn’t it rumored that Hitler had a pissing fetish too? All the best world leaders enjoy water sports from time to time? Ugh. I know everyone’s got their kink, but this stuff really grosses me out.

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    The Watergate scandal seems kind of quaint now. Like seeing kids cartoons and the villains whose idea of villainy is stealing pocket change or something.

    Do any of us really believe that, in a similar position, 1. Trump would step down and 2. The Republicans would even care?

    • Mary Sandoras

      No and no.

  • Bill D. Burger

    “ I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall” (2 Kings 9:8, KJV).

    Sorry, Donny. Sounds like the Big Sky Fairy is ‘pissed’ at you.

    https://www.askideas.com/media/48/I-Dont-Care-God-Sent-Me-To-Piss-The-World-Off-Funny-Donald-Trump-Meme-Image.jpg

    Cause’ now you’re just pissing in the wind.

    • Nockular cavity

      Wait, so Ahab’s leg pissed on the wall?

    • cmd resistor

      This brings back some vague memory of coming across that verse in Sunday School and making jokes.

    • alpacapunchbowl

      All we are is piss in the wind

  • Pisciatoiojohn

    All right, which one of you jokers started the rumor that Trump was going to buy the Watergate?

    • Doug Langley

      Wait, what? Well, it’s on the Internet so it must be true!

  • Nounverb911

    Hopefully this is something to live for.

    https://twitter.com/evansiegfried/status/819295186534678531

    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Ehh, I’m ok with where it is. The newer episodes felt kinda… off.

      • Brad’s Granny

        The dentist’s drool vacuum doesn’t suck as hard as season 4 did.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        I think it would’ve been better if the entire cast was together as they were in the original episodes. You could tell there were stand-ins & such. It still made me laugh, but not like the older ones.

        • alpacapunchbowl

          That was SO jarring.

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            It was, right? Scenes with Lucille & someone in a wig? It was obvious. I don’t even think they were trying to hide it. Pretty sure actors even said beforehand that they all had different schedules & couldn’t all be in the same place at the same time.

          • alpacapunchbowl

            That’s what I heard too.
            I halfway kept expecting someone to whip their wig off to reveal that they were actually Gene Parmesan.

  • Daisy

    I’m now basically responsible for my mom’s news intake for the next four years, because she doesn’t want to turn it on and accidentally see Trump.

    • Courser

      I don’t either. Can you do the same for me?

      • Daisy

        Probably, although I think R Wonkette will be more helpful in that regard. :)

    • Bill D. Burger

      I feel her pain.

    • Mary Sandoras

      Have fun explaining golden showers to her.

      • LucindathePook

        Once had to explain “Impeach the Coxsacker” to my MIL, whom I am pretty sure was a virgin.

        • BearOmegaNomNom

          You married Jesus?!

          • LucindathePook

            No, as I went to a Catholic grade school, being a nun never appealed. Married a man who was adopted by his p’s, who had separate bedrooms and lived in Vestal, NY.

    • Bill Slider

      Don’t forget to seal the baseboards. He will find a way to slither into her life.

    • Doug Langley

      Trust me, she appreciates your sacrifice.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      So, no news. And no comedy. Maybe TCM 24/7?

    • Jukesgrrl

      I have a story for you, Daisy. A long time ago I went to a small island off the coast of Greece to get away from the OJ Simpson trial. No TV in my hotel and the newspapers were in Greek. At the end of my stay I boarded a boat to go back to Athens for my last day. The minute I set foot on board a man came up to me and said in broken English, “Are you an American?” When I answered yes he replied, “OJ Simpson was found not guilty.” There are some things the universe conspires to make you know.

      • Zyxomma

        When Bush the Elder was elected, I didn’t wait for him to take office. I went on total media blackout (the way I put it at the time was “the head of the Secret Police is headed for the WH. There is no more information, just misinformation and disinformation”). One friend was responsible for keeping me informed of celebrity deaths. Living in NYC, I usually knew what was going on anyway (plenty of people reading newspapers when I took public transit). I was at someone’s home for about 15 minutes of the first Iraq war, and at the same place I saw Barbara Bush had broken her ankle skiing. The only real news story I missed (and it was local) was the busting of the Westies gang(s), and I caught up after GHWB was out of office.

    • HorseChestnut

      Start by Making America Kittens Again, if you haven’t already! It’s a Chrome extension, it works surprisingly well. Between that, no broadcast TV, and the ‘mute’ key, I’ve barely heard or seen the man for the entire goddamn election.

  • ViveLaPeésistance

    Based on my 30 seconds of research on spontaneous combustion, I’ve concluded that Washington DC really is trying to commit suicide and starting at the Watergate is simply a symbolic gesture. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/be0c2717e199b6a38cf6e8fd3b3f394278b22d3f4d40e79b8ac5e4bc1637053e.png
    h/t Wikipedia

  • The Wanderer
    • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

      Can’t unsee that background.

    • Greyhame

      “… and tell me it’s raining.”

    • cmd resistor

      So a house I have to pass every day used to just have plants in the yard. Then they got a couple of Trump signs. Then one of those pro-cop flags with the blue line. Now they have a huge flagpole with an American Flag and the Snake Flag. Yard is getting a bit crowded.

      • BearOmegaNomNom

        You can hardly sieg the grass anymore.

      • Bill Slider

        It sounds lovely. Is there no room for the Confederate flag, or is that what they use for drapes in the windows on the front?

        • cmd resistor

          I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. They had Christmas decorations, also, too. In addition to basic Trump sign they had a plywood homemade one on election day. I remember thinking, Bless their hearts, but guess I was wrong. It never pays to feel sorry for the enemy.

        • TheBoatDude

          No, those are the bedsheets…

      • TheBoatDude

        No Marines flag? Incomplete!

      • TheBoatDude

        All along Hwy 152 between Los Banos and Madera, the goddamn farmers have their pro Trump/Anti Barack and Hillary signs… Now, of course, the Trump signs have a “Thank you!” sign tacked on. I want to make nother sign to tack on that says “Now, were all going to die” or “Now were really screwed.”

        Regardless, I’ve been taking pictures of the different signs, for posterity. With a little luck, I might be able to look back at them 30 years from now and laugh…

  • Goddammit Agrajag, control your deaths!

    • The Wanderer

      He’s going to zarking well try.

    • Greyhame

      Surely Arthur Dent is to blame.

    • BearOmegaNomNom

      Trumpdonaldtrump, you’re a jerk. A real knee-biter.

  • The Wanderer
  • Bitter Scribe

    Penthouse is offering a million bucks to any enterprising spies out there

    Wait, what? I didn’t know Penthouse even still existed, much less had a million bucks to throw around. I thought they went to the Great Porno Store in the Sky, driven there by the internet just like most other forms of print porn, from Screw magazine to Playboy.

    (And yes, I know Playboy still exists. But my understanding is that the models there now show no more than they do in GQ or any of the other laddie mags. Interesting tweak to a classic business model.)

    • I’m sure Hustler will top the offer.

      • anon_the_great

        Where has Larry Flint been this election cycle anyways?

    • snark-lurker

      there will be no pix unless tRumpstir crosses pooty…and he never will because TREASON X 100

    • DL

      Playboy decided to move their “nudes” to a pay-only online service, apparently unaware of the nearly unending torrent of free pornography that has been on the internet for the last TWENTY YEARS or more.

  • anon_the_great

    snord

    • HorseChestnut

      no one saw what you did here

  • Brad’s Granny
    • NotReallyHere

      The whale thought, “I wonder if it’ll be friends with me? Hello Ground!”
      [dies]

      Somehow I’m making a connection between the whale and republicans who think, “I wonder if it will be a good president.”

  • cmd resistor

    Ok, I watched the latest Bourne movie last night and it was more believable than this plot.
    However, if it’s going to be a movie, Melania may as well be a KGB agent (I’d probably like her more if she was). Also, needs more car chases.

  • Serai 1

    like pee in a Moscow Ritz-Carlton mattress, as it were.

    Trump is never going to hear the end of this, is he? *giggle*

    • Unpresidented Ron

      Not if there’s a just and merciful God.

      • HorseChestnut

        Let’s not count on that! Onward, Mocking Soldiers.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Small hands and pee jokes all the way down.

  • cmd resistor

    I did see that the Wall Street Journal has a story that allegedly id’s the M-16 ex spy guy.

  • Yr. Gma

    I keep forgetting what an ugly building that is since It’s not on teevee 24/7 anymore as in the 70s.

  • Bill Slider

    They recently reopened this hotel after spending gazillions of millions to remodel it. I think it was closed for well over a year, like maybe two years. Maybe all of the guests scheduled for the coronation on January 20, can conveniently just transfer their reservations to the Trump Hotel. Then Mr Trump can claim that in addition to all of the dress shops being sold out of ball gowns, which apparently they are not, that all hotel rooms are booked or on fire.

  • Incoming (AKA Large) Ham

    If only it had waited two days. It could have been a fire on the 13th floor on Friday the 13th.

  • Randy Riddle

    Is there a way to hire a Mexican hacker to redirect whitehouse.gov to en.kremlin.ru the day after the Useful Idiot takes office? Asking for a friend…

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Douglas Adams lives!…thanks Doc.

  • Scott1960

    Dammit, everything is trying to make Trump look better. ‘Dumpster Fire’? “Biatch, how about an infamous HOTEL fire’? Yeah?! Yeah?!

  • pianoplayer1

    Was Forest Gump there?

  • ken_kukec

    ‘… just after 2 p.m. that crews had extinguished the fire …’

    Sounds like what former Nixon press secretary Ron Zeigler might describe as “a third-rate arson attempt.”

  • The Librarian

    I was in high school during Watergate. What a shocker back then…. it’s got nothing compared to the new regime.

    • azeyote

      i was at ohio state then occupying the rotc building and burning draft cards – nixon was a cream pufff compared to this bastard – if nixon had acted then like trump does now he would have been arrested for treason – ain’t no sneaking around, no missing minutes on any tapes with this guy – we’re headed into 3rd world crazy now –

      • The Librarian

        Yeah, we are……

  • RockyFjord

    Bob Woodward castigated Nixon over political intel gathering; and then he wrote a book about how W was the perfect constitution of a leader. Nixon opened door to China, and W with sidekick Cheney spent trillions of money borrowed from China to turn the Middle East into chaos for 50 years! Thanks Bob, you’re a real genius at being a dumbass.

    • I think he castigated Nixon for being a paranoid crooked as hell schmuck rather than just…political intel gathering.

      • RockyFjord

        Ok but that’s no excuse for Woodward’s pedestalizing the imbecile W
        who was 1000 times more evil that Nixon could have imagined.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    The Watergate has become irrelevant. I’d set fire to myself, too, if that was the reality I had to live with.

  • RockyFjord

    Is ‘Wonkette’ one writer or more than one? Will we find out name[s]? It’s kinda funny in a smart assed kinda way.

  • ResistanceFictionista blondeiq

    “You never burgle me any more.” (Watergate Hotel to GOPee)

  • ThatDale

    This has lifted my spirits in some undefinable way. You know, that fabulous feeling you get when you finally get to empty your bladder… Ahhhhhhh…..

  • Vorhees

    “All we need now is a flash mob of people wearing [nothing but] trench coats converging on DC-area parking garages.”

    1) Fixed it for you.
    2) I could have arranged with a little advance notice. Too late now.

Previous article‘4Chan’ Idiots Pee On Stupidest Man On Internet, Tell Him It’s Raining
Next articleIt’s OK To Talk About Donald Trump’s Alleged Love For Wee-Wee Hookers, You Guys