Today, yr Dok Zoom wrote you a nice long analysis of the intelligence dossier from the nice old British former MI6 spy guy, about how it sure looks like Donald Trump (allegedly) colluded with Russia during the election, that Russia actively helped him win, that Russia’s been cultivating Trump for YEARS, and oh also HAHAHA ALLEGEDLY TRUMP HIRED SOME RUSSIAN HOOKERS TO PLAY PEE-PEE GAMES FOR HIS SEXUAL AMUSEMENT AND THIS IS PROBABLY ON TAPE! Dok’s point in the former piece is that as hilarious as HAHAHA ALLEGEDLY PEE-PEE GAMES really is, it’s the active collusion with a hostile power (ahem, cough cough, TREASON?) that we should be focusing on. And he’s right. That is, indeed the important part. Trump’s not going to get impeached for (alleged) piss-play, but he might get impeached for being a literal puppet of Vladimir Putin.
HOWEVER. C’mon you guys, PEE HOOKERS! There are people on the internet right now shaming everybody for laughing instead of focusing on the real stuff, and also too there are some people saying, “SHUT UP, STOP KINK SHAMING, SOME PEOPLE ARE INTO PEE AND IT’S NOT FUNNY!” 1) That is true, and they shouldn’t be shamed. 2) Still funny, and those sensitive kinksters are not allowed to ruin our moment of national hilariousness. Sorry to piss on your Corn Flakes, uh oh you might like that, so maybe not sorry. We at Wonkette aim to please, HAHA WE SAID “AIM”!
So, we agree that people need to focus on the much, much more damning allegations in the report, and this is not a counterpoint to Dok’s piece, per se, but have you all ever met the American people? THEY LOVE THIS SORT OF SHIT. Conversely, average Americans aren’t too keen on getting mired down in the dirty details of reading intelligence dossiers on whether Paul Manafort did X in Ukraine and Carter Page did Y for Russia and ZZZZZZZZZZ.
But you have Americans’ reality show-binging, trans fat slurping attention with HAHA WILL DONALD TRUMP’S (ALLEGED) WEE-WEE HOOKERS PERFORM AT HIS INAUGURATION?
So, when discussing the constitutional crisis we are having, with your plumber or with the old lady who sits next to you at Bible study, you should definitely start with the pee hooker stuff. Trust us, that will get their attention. The obvious truth is that the evidence of years of the Kremlin cultivating Trump, and the two camps colluding (the report even says the Trump campaign PAID THE HACKERS, oh my god), is indeed way more important than how Trump allegedly likes it when ladies pee in his general direction. But you have to help Americans get there first, and pee hookers is the gateway drug to that.
(SIDENOTE: Think also about Trump’s evangelical supporters — they might secretly like pee stuff, but they are in their church’s Porn Addiction class for that, and they do not want to be seen as defending Donald Trump’s pee stuff probably, especially since exactly zero of the Russian hookers were Melania Trump, his wife. Say “DID TRUMP HIRE PEE HOOKERS?” to them a lot.)
In conclusion, as long as you promise, after LOLing about the pee stuff with your friends, your neighbors, and your Kiwanis Club chapter, to really talk to people about Trump’s alleged, probable, likely anti-American collusion with Russia, then it’s totally OK to lead with the pee stuff and make memes about it and just generally enjoy the gift God has given you, with #GoldenShowersWatersportsPeePeeGate. And once all your conversational partners have been sucked in by the pee stuff, they will surely stay around for the rest!
(That, incidentally, was Vladimir Putin’s reasoning when he found the wee wee ladies for Donald Trump HAHAHAHA OMG ALLEGEDLY.)
P.S. Wanna see the grossest, most hilariously offensive picture ever? Trump’s evangelical supporters will really love this picture of Piss Christ wearing a Make America Great Again hat, made by David Rudin on Twitter. Send it to them!