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Winner: Best Deer in Headlights Look since Dan Quayle
Winner: Best Deer in Headlights Look since Dan Quayle

With Senate Judiciary Committee hearings underway on the nomination of Sen. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III to be Donald Trump’s Attorney General For White America, we’d like to take a few minutes to review the distinguished career of the man with the most stereotypical name for a Southern Senator in the modern era. Who is Jeff Sessions, and how will he Make America 1952 Again?

The Race Question

The main thing to remember about Jeff Sessions is that he’s been here before, in front of the Judiciary Committee, when he was nominated to a federal judgeship by Ronald Reagan in 1986, and got sent home in shame when the Republican-controlled committee voted not to send him on to the full Senate. Why? Just a few things: As a U.S. Attorney, Sessions prosecuted three civil rights workers, including a former aide to Martin Luther King, on voter fraud charges, a case that was so bogus the jury tossed it out after four hours of deliberation. The New York Times has a detailed discussion of why Sessions thinks he was protecting voting rights against fraudsters, and why he’s so very, very wrong.

During those same hearings, Justice Department attorneys testified that Sessions had called the ACLU and NAACP “un-American groups” that were “Communist-inspired,” and had complained the two groups had “forced civil rights down the throats of people,” one of the earliest uses of the throat-cramming trope. He was accused of calling a white civil rights attorney a “disgrace to his race” for taking voting rights cases, but insisted that was only a joke, ha-ha! A black former assistant US Attorney from Alabama testified Session had called him “boy” and cautioned him to “be careful what you say to white folks,” statements which Sessions denied having made.

More recently, Sessions has taken credit for prosecuting several voting rights and school desegregation cases when he was U.S. Attorney for Alabama; in an op-ed for the Washington Post, the Justice Department lawyers who actually worked those cases said Sessions’s only involvement in the cases was to affix his signature to the work that they had done, a mere formality.

More recently, Sessions has applauded the Supreme Court’s 2013 gutting of the Voting Rights Act, and has blocked efforts to repair the provisions of the Voting Rights Act the Supremes struck down. Civil rights groups have held a sit-in in his Alabama office, and an interfaith coalition of religious leaders has protested his nomination as well. But he’s got a lot of support from the REAL civil rights groups, police unions.

And let us not forget that during the campaign, Jeff Sessions praised Donald Trump as a terrific Law ‘n’ Order candidate, since Trump had called for the execution of innocent black teenagers in the Central Park Five case.

The Woman Problem

Sessions most recently made A Idiot of himself after recordings surfaced of Donald Trump bragging about how women would let him grab them by the pussy if he wanted. The good senator agreed Trump had used “inappropriate language,” but wasn’t quite sure grabbing a woman by the pussy is “sexual assault.”

SESSIONS: I don’t characterize that as sexual assault. I think that’s a stretch. I don’t know what he meant —

THE WEEKLY STANDARD: So if you grab a woman by the genitals, that’s not sexual assault?

SESSIONS: I don’t know. It’s not clear that he — how that would occur.

It’s a mystery, isn’t it?

Oh, but that’s just the most recent example of Jess Sessions being a tad clueless on the Ladies. He voted against reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act in 2013. During his confirmation hearings today, Sessions explained he’d supported an alternative version of VAWA that didn’t include a provision allowing prosecution of non-tribal members in tribal courts, which he said in 2013 “subject[ed] American citizens to trial in a sovereign tribal court, the personnel of which have no democratic accountability to the American public.” So don’t you go saying he supports violence against women — he just doesn’t support tribal courts handling such cases if the defendant is a white guy kicking the shit out of his Native American wife, so there.

How About The Gays?

Oh, this one’s easy! Sessions voted against the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” opposed marriage equality (although he said in his testimony today the Supreme Court’s decision to make it the law of the land was indeed final), and voted against the Matthew Shepard/James Byrd Hate Crimes Prevention Act and its extension of federal hate crimes law to cover crimes motivated by gender, sexual orientation, or disability. He had a great reason for opposing that one, saying he just wasn’t sure it was a big problem, really: “I am not sure women or people with different sexual orientations face that kind of discrimination. I just don’t see it.” If he didn’t see it, then it must not be much of a problem!

Oh, Yeah, Immigration — We Bet He’s A Peach On That

Jeff Sessions isn’t merely against fixing our immigration system with any policy involving a pathway to citizenship, he wants the DREAM Act kids to go away, and he’s not much of a fan of legal immigration, either. After the Senate nonetheless passed a comprehensive immigration bill in 2013, Sessions made it his business to kill the bill in the House. He distributed to House members a 23-page handbook chock-full of anti-reform talking points, starting with this blunt instrument of a paragraph:

“Immigration reform” may be the single most abused phrase in the English language. It has become a legislative honorific almost exclusively reserved for proposals which benefit everyone but actual American citizens.

Sessions also helped craft Trump’s immigration “plan,” such as it was, and the Trump transition team is fairly crawling with people from Sessions’s Senate staff, especially in areas involving immigration.

Any Other Notable Jerkface Moments?

We only have the one column here, so we’ll stick with the WonkArchives: In 2013, Sessions distinguished himself by complaining that there were simply too many people on food stamps, because the USDA was making an effort to make sure eligible families got the benefits they qualified for:

“It has become sadly clear that Agriculture Secretary Vilsack wishes to make welfare part of the normal American experience, with no regard for social or economic consequences. How else can you explain why he gave an award to a recruitment worker for overcoming the ‘mountain pride’ of rural Americans?” Sessions told The Daily Caller, recalling one of the many outreach efforts the USDA has engaged in over the years to get more people on SNAP.

Shame on the big mean government for refusing to recognize Americans’ basic dignity and determination to let their kids go hungry rather than get help.

Also, there’s this fun fact: in 2015, Sessions demanded the EPA make scientists available for questioning on why they were making up so much fake science on climate change. He insisted that CO2 is nothing but harmless plant food, that there’s been a decades-long “pause” in global warming (there is not), and badgered the head of the EPA about why she wouldn’t give straight answers to his loaded questions. Fun times!

So there’s your next Attorney General, kids. Maybe he won’t be confirmed, but don’t bet on it.

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  • Nounverb911
    • beingreleased

      “I have in my hand, a list …”

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      I’m not clear how he…..how that would occur…

  • Apple Scruff

    Perhaps the most heart-wrenching bit so far was Madame Graham and Mr. Jefferson bonding over how hurt they are that they are often called “racist” simply because they are southern American men.

    • beingreleased

      My understanding is that Mr. Jefferson is called a racist because he does and says racist things. Is that not a valid standard?

      • Apple Scruff

        People only call him racist because of his accent :( Poor, Jeff Sessions.

      • Thiazin Red

        You can say it, but everyone knows that pointing out racism and/or telling someone that they’re being racist is to worst possible thing you can do and makes you the real racist. Don’t you know that talking about racism is the only reason it exists? If everyone would just ignore it and black people accepted things without question there would be no racism.

        • Toomush_Inferesistance

          I don’t see race people….

          • Unpresidented Ron

            I do, but only because I enjoy watching Formula One.

          • PubOption

            How can you watch race drivers who can turn both ways?

          • Unpresidented Ron

            It was quite difficult at first, but I found out that my neck swivels BOTH ways!

        • theCryptofishist

          Unclap your hands if you don’t believe in racism!

    • Tallmutha

      I dunno, the gay-baiting of Lindsey Graham kinda bugs me sometimes, especially in the context of snarking on bigots. But that’s just me! I could be wrong!

  • I watched 10 minutes of his opening statement and wanted to set my hair on fire in protest

  • FlownOver

    Details, details, details…

    You forget that in Trumpistan the past is not a settled matter. Just say “it ain’t so” and everything is alright again.

  • Wild Cat

    Are albino jokes verbotten on Wonkette?

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Well, that’s mighty white of you…

      • tomamitai

        Not all albinos are “white”.

    • FlownOver

      Verboten only in the comments, which are not allowed.

    • theCryptofishist

      Is that albinos telling jokes or jokes about albinos?

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Say, you know who else forced civil rights down the throats of people?

    • Look Closer

      Damn Democrats?

    • Nounverb911

      What about uncivil rights?

    • mrpuma2u

      The Swedish?

    • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

      John Holmes?

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Ouch

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Again with the throat cramming. What is it with you libtards?

    • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

      Braveheart?

  • Look Closer

    Yes. I know millions of people who would commit a felony by voting twice. That’s what Republicans want you to believe.

    • artem1s

      I’m pretty sure the Repukes next move is going to make it a felony for most people to even vote once.

      • tomamitai

        That’s what the anti-pot laws are for, as well as generating revenue for private prison operators.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    He was accused of calling a white civil rights attorney a “disgrace to his race” for taking voting rights cases, but insisted that was only a joke, ha-ha!

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/c5ab2319c68fd20b4e976dece4a6f9e3/tumblr_mkuf11PL0K1ro7knro1_250.gif

    • cmd resistor

      Republican humor.

      • SpideySenser

        Oxymoron.

      • Thiazin Red

        That is one thing I’ve noticed. Conservative humor is all about cruel mockery.

        • cmd resistor

          I think that might be one other reason I tolerate Lindsey Graham — aside from his occasional moments of sanity, he does seem to have a sense of humor.

  • Rouge Skwerl!

    Sessions hearing disrupted by protesters wearing KKK costumes.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I can’t imagine what message the incoming president intends to send by nominating a good ol’ boy white Southern racist to replace two African-American attorneys-general.

    • Look Closer

      I think it’s pretty clear.

    • Painter of Goats

      Which makes you the real racist for even noticing.

    • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

      You’ll get tired of winning (your emancipation)?

    • WotsAllThisThen

      That message would be, “We dun took our country back!”

    • Michael Smith

      Our long national nightmare of having persons of color in positions of influence is over?

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    I hope he gets royalties for having his ears being the model for the Lucky Charms guy and 1/2 the cast of a Hobbit movies. Other than that, he is horrible.

    • mailman27

      Henry Gibson could have starred in “The Jeff Sessions Story.”

  • Bill D. Burger
  • GunToting[Redacted]

    He is also anti-pot, which will be interesting considering something like half the population of the US live in a state where pot is at least partially legal.

    • Rouge Skwerl!

      He has expressed that he wants to enforce the drug laws and put pot dispensers in jail.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Count on it- he’ll use the DEA to steamroll those states. Hey BoBs and Stein voters (and non voters), enjoy your jail time and felony record for doing something your state legalized.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Better than the fucking Pez dispensers these cheap county jails ha………oh, wait, you mean…..

    • beingreleased

      In the 1910’s, the KKK supported prohibition because they pretty much assumed it would only be enforced for black people and it would be a way to control them. I’m guessing pot smoking Trump supporters feel the same way.

      • Thiazin Red

        And nothing has changed, as shown by the interviews with Trump supporters who seemed to think that healthcare, welfare and food stamps would only get taken away from black and brown people, not them.

        • Michael Smith

          Insanely, they are under the impression that they receive no government assistance because they are white.

          • Unpresidented Ron

            Dark people get assistance. White people get entitlements.

          • Thiazin Red

            Or that they deserve it, they just need a little help right now. Its totally not the same as when a black person uses it.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        That’s the entire trouble with Drumpf supporters; they all assume his horrible restrictive laws will only apply to people who aren’t them.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        I don’t understand. I thought he was against doobies…..not pot….

        • TheAmazingBeardedTrangerderist

          Why would he be against the Doobies? Most of their music was good.

    • AngryKatie

      I’m annoyed that none of the Senators representing those states has brought that up.

    • WotsAllThisThen

      And Real America[tm] has a serious problem with prescription pain meds.

    • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

      Killing that $1 billion tax cash cow in CO will cause even our GOP lawmakers to defect.

    • Michael Smith

      I saw at least one conservative post this crazy thing today. There was an article about how the commie gay traitor liberals are mad that this True Patriot is being nominated, and he was like “Look I’m not a huge fan of this guy. I mean I’m having a blast watching liberals squirm, but just because liberals don’t like someone doesn’t mean he’s a great person. This guy is anti-pot, and that stance is costing our government (something), and for no reason” and all that.

      He was promptly burned alive and his remains thrown in the Tiber.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I’m having a blast watching liberals squirm

        That is the utter entirety of the modern conservative mindset. These dumb yokels don’t give a shit about anything other than ‘sticking it to the libtards’. They will gladly cut their own throats just for the chance to hurt a liberal.

        • Unpresidented Ron

          If they wish to try, far be it from me to stop them.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            trouble is- a whole bunch of innocent people’s throats get cut in the process- not that they give a fuck

          • Unpresidented Ron

            Yeah, I tend to forget that part.

      • Thiazin Red

        Yeah, you’d think those bro libertarians would be up in arms about that.

        • Lizzietish81

          they’re only libertarian as far as rich people go

    • natoslug

      I’m sure he would have been pro Pol Pot, though. Although he might have been a little hung up on the communism thing, even though he’d enjoy the no-nonsense leadership style of Pol.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Jeff Sessions was Trump’s pick for U.S. AG because Jefferson Davis wasn’t available.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    THE WEEKLY STANDARD: So if you grab a woman by the genitals, that’s not sexual assault?

    SESSIONS: I don’t know. It’s not clear that he — how that would occur.

    http://i.imgur.com/Fyw5RLj.gif

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      I feel sorry for the women in his life as he seems to not know how genitals (or hands for that matter) work

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Maybe we can get him a job as an Alabama restroom attendant until he figures it out…

      • TheAmazingBeardedTrangerderist

        He likely assumes sexual activity of any kind must always involve a penis (and only in the missionary position with the lights off).

        • MeerkatsRMammals

          Foreplay? That’s something to do with your golf game, right?

    • OrG

      Somebody should grab him by the balls to show him “how that would occur”.NOT ME.

      • tomamitai

        For a male, I’d think the more appropriate demonstration would be to have a very large gay man goose him vigorously. Feeling a big hairy finger pushing his trousers and panties up the hershey highway just might conceivably elicit a smidgen of understanding large enough to awaken his vestigial empathy. Unless he’s into that.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I actually once grabbed a partner by the pussy. She did NOT like it.

    • PubOption

      The guy has a poor grasp on…reality.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Mrs. Sessions: Believe him. He hasn’t a clue.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    And that fuckwit STILL maintains that he was doing blah people a favor with that bogus voter fraud case

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Which is why he’s unfit for any office at any level. Much like Donald himself.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Sessions will turn the Justice Dept. into the Just Us (White People) Dept.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/51f92a923e7839ba5022cf8e8f3f8a65152e0c7c21aeb87bca9ecdab9c51cd10.jpg

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    The rest of the Sessions story: “I don’t know how that (pussy grabbing) would occur…..I mean, if you’re a star, they let you do it, right?”…

  • Marceline

    No snark. One of my biggest challenges from here on out is choosing between being informed and being sane. I know I should be watching the hearing but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s the death of our democracy.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      100% agree with you. I can’t watch either and I was rather short with a friend who wanted to text me all about what was going on last night, while I was trying to stay as low-information as possible.

    • MeerkatsRMammals

      You’re not alone! My husband tells me on a daily basis to stop reading news.It is a fine line these days to remain informed & sane.

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      This is a marathon, not a sprint–take a break if you need to. We’ll pick up the slack for you.

    • mailman27

      Totally with you on this one.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “This is how democracy dies. With thunderous applause.”

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Not sure if I should upvote because your comment is relevant, or downvote because your comment is from the worst Star Wars movie.

        • Lizzietish81

          I’m sorry but Revenge of the Sith is leagues better than Phantom Menace

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Disagree with you on worst (“The Phantom Menace” takes that in my book) but any of them are better than any episode of “Celebrity Apprentice”.

          • Spoken like someone who has not seen the Holiday Special

          • Historicat

            After the first three decades, the memory is a bit hazy.

        • theCryptofishist

          I didn’t realize that was Star Wars–or that I wandered into an area of such controversy.
          Now I’m considering de-upfisting.

    • Swampay

      Thank the GODS that we have our beloved wonkette to keep tabs on all this awful shit for us.

    • Swampay

      And, seriously, it’s going to be hard to tell how to pick our battles. If I’m gonna have to throw myself in front of a tank I don’t want to waste my energy on trudging through the depths of this grotesquerie. I don’t want to get my spirit beaten down by the thousand cuts we are likely to experience. But I also want to be sure I’m ready, that I’ve got my pitchfork and torch at hand when I can actually do something for the good.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      You nailed it for me! The more informed I try to be the more I feel like I’m in a dark alternate reality and just want to go back home again. If I try to ignore what’s happening, I feel like I might miss something of existential importance. So, I end up flopping back and forth–and this is only making me crazy.

      I expect a substantial jump in suicide rates is going to become obvious real soon.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    Jeff Sessions – when your entire Dorian Grey is not quite working…

  • MeerkatsRMammals

    “I am not sure women or people with different sexual orientations face that kind of discrimination. I just don’t see it.” says STRAIGHT WHITE MAN. Apologies for the caps lock, but it must be nice to not have to “see it” on a daily basis.

    • beingreleased

      You know who else didn’t see any discrimination?

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Stevie Wonder?

      • WotsAllThisThen

        Anatole France?

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        David Duke?

        • beingreleased

          I discriminate against David Duke most days. I guess he isn’t paying attention to me.

      • calliecallie

        Scarlett O’Hara?

      • LesBontemps

        Ray Charles?

      • theCryptofishist

        Newton? Or was that integral? Or was that Leibnetz?

    • Thiazin Red

      Every man who says this shit should get punched in the dick with votes. Seriously, its so enraging and entitled. I understand that I don’t experience racist stuff everyday because I’m white, but I don’t assume that all black people are lying when they talk about their experiences. I am capable of understanding that my experience is not universal, and that other people have different ones.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        Agreed. It’s a shame these entitled white guys can’t understand everyone’s experience.

        • Thiazin Red

          I don’t understand what its like to be a racial minority on a gut level, but at the very least I can not dismiss it when people talk about it.

          • MeerkatsRMammals

            I believe that’s called empathy. Yet another trait these bastards lack.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, you’re way ahead of about 75% of the country then.

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        I had it out with my even more lightskinned brother over BLM. I explained that he and his kids scan as white, so they may not experience the daily BS of being dark, but that doesn’t mean that others don’t experience BS. And he has nieces and nephews that are darker skinned, including my daughter, so think about this BS happening to them. And I said it in front of his kids too. His kids get it. His daughter wore a hijab to school because she has a friend who wears one. A 7-year old. A second grader. Fierce.

    • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

      You have to love the self-centered nature of it – I don’t know about it, therefore it must not be a problem. And by “love” I mean “oh, someone rid me of this dimwitted weevil”.

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        You earn a free shot of narcissism with every million? Every yacht? Every new trophy wife?

        • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

          I think it’s part of the membership package into the Republican Party.

      • Thiazin Red

        Its just impossible for me to imagine what it must be like to walk around with that level of self centered entitlement. How does that even work? What happens in your mind when you really truly believe that your experience is universal and that everyone else must be lying, they just must be.

    • MΩebym

      I don’t see it, so it’s not there. Don’t people grow out of that phase when they’re infants?

      • Thiazin Red

        I took a developmental psych class and I’m pretty sure it was around 3-4 that children are supposed to get that other people are separate.

        • MΩebym

          I was thinking about object permanence. That develops much earlier.

          • LesBontemps

            Sessions’ Senate hearing should include a round of peek-a-boo.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          Three to four is when little kids start developing empathy.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, there are a lot of really, really dull people out there who won’t get the point unless you scream at them in ALL CAPS and even then it’s a very iffy thing, because Pooh looks like a bear of gigantic, yoouge brains compared to these nitwits.

    • major_asshole

      Had I recorded it, I would send Mr Sessions video of a pair of punk kids who verbally assaulted my boyfriend and I while we were enjoying a lovely day in the park last year. We were just laying on a blanket atop a hill enjoying some drinks and the fresh air when these asshole teenagers came up and started using words like “fag” and “pansy ass queer.”

      Hell, maybe they were related to Sessions…

      But yes–nice to never see it on a daily basis. Asshole. (Him, not you.)

      • MeerkatsRMammals

        I’m so sorry you & your BF had to endure that. People are assholes (them, not you)

      • Ω cynmac will never surrender

        My BF and I are a “swirl” (chocolate and vanilla, although I am light-skinned and considered white chocolate) and every once in a while, we encounter an asshole. My BF, being from Mississippi and an integrated college, is masterful at handling the situation. If I set up the play, he runs the ball to a score.
        When we went to see Ozzy Osborne in Dallas, a Trumpanzee cracker ass peckerwood started in with me in the t-shirt line. Assuming that I was a Hillary supporter, the conversation was fairly civil until it got to Trump’s racism. When I said, “you can believe what you want, but he did settle law suits”, my boyfriend stepped in and said, “honey, don’t bother, we’re supporting Johnson” and I answered, “you’re right. I liked Bernie during the primary too”. Guy shut the fuck up. Trumpanzees didn’t have answers/jibes for Bernie and Johnson supporters.
        You guys need to work up a comedy act to use in such situations. “Are you a fag, honey?” “Why no, I consider myself a sissy.” “I know, right? I do like that pansy ass queer label tho. I usually say just queer, but pansy ass adds a nice flavor”.
        Bullies hate humor and sarcasm. And I did vote for Hillary in the general, pragmatically.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      You just have no idea the level of discrimination we straight white men suffer on a daily basis….

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      “Would you want to be black? If you answer no, then you understand that there is a problem, that things are not equal.”
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yrg7vV4a5o

  • Bozilingus
  • Bill D. Burger
  • schmannity

    Finally, someone unafraid to enforce the Nuremberg Laws impartially!

    • Bill D. Burger

      I did Nazi that coming. (I like it.) :)

      ~rimshot~

      • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

        You’re Reich!

        • calliecallie

          The heil you say!

      • Bozilingus

        Where are you Goering with this?

  • Anna Rompage

    Lets not forget, Sessions was also part of just a handful of Senators who voted to block the bill that made torturing military detainees illegal…

  • The Trump admin is shaping up to be the the spark that ignites a resurgence of ventriloquists as a profitable comedy act. It would be funny if it was funny.

    Sessions dummy to Trump’s voice.

    Trump’s dummy to Putin’s voice.

    ad fucking nauseum.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Matryoshka dolls…

  • AngryKatie

    Between his “defense” of the disastrous 1986 hearings (he just didn’t defend himself well from the horribly inaccurate accusations that he’s some kind of racist), and his playing dumbass about sexual assault being sexual assault, I’m annoyed that none of the Dems has called out that he seems to be a pretty shitty attorney.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    It has become sadly clear that Agriculture Secretary Vilsack wishes to make welfare part of the normal American experience, with no regard for social or economic consequences. How else can you explain why he gave an award to a recruitment worker for overcoming the ‘mountain pride’ of rural Americans?

    Because he didn’t want people to go hungry during the Great Recession.

    You’re welcome, asshole.

    • OrG

      Have they no bootstraps?

      • Shan

        They had to eat them.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Actual economic stimulus at the most basic level is bad. Adam Smith was a communist.

    • Nockular cavity

      Poor kids can just grow their brains at some other point in their lives, when they can afford it.

    • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

      Does ‘mountain pride’ mean finding fresh roadkill for dinner?

    • Doug Langley

      Because we all know that soup kitchens cause depressions.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Go, yelling protester!

  • Blanche Beecham

    Racist little Elf on the Shelf

  • beingreleased
  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    This country is so fucked. All of these horrible people are going to be installed in office and every safety net we have, every freedom we enjoy, every model of what makes this country what it is, every veil of decency we have, will be ripped to shreds and disposed of while we fume furiously in impotent rage, and the Trumpanzees watch Duck Dynasty reruns and get their news from Breitbart and Faux.

    • beingreleased

      You’re going to have so much freedom now. Want to dump chemical waste directly into the drinking water? Knock yourself out.

      • OrG

        Freedom to starve to death while living on a street corner.USA!

        • Martini Ambassador

          Well, only on select street corners. If they catch you in one of those posh ‘hoods, they’ll drag your ass right the heck outta there to somewhere less “visible” by the rich white folk. Because, really, do you have to be so OBVIOUS about it? It makes them feel bad.

        • theCryptofishist

          If only there was some food on street corners. Maybe something like taco trucks. Oh, what a beautiful dream.

          Now back to grey and horrible reality…

    • Anna Rompage

      We lived through the Bush years, we’ll make it through the Trump ones as well. My advice, buy stock in liquor distributors, & pharmaceutical companies that make tranquilizers and anti depressants

      • Look Closer

        My $ is going in my pocket. I’m not letting those bastards get their hands on it again.

      • snark-lurker

        not everybody lived thru the W years. a bunch died on 9/11 cause him toopid plus peeps been dyin ever since and continue to die. “We tortured some folks too.”

      • major_asshole

        I was only a teenager during most of the Bush years, but did his AG ever think that “the coloreds” are getting “uppity,” that women needed to be in the kitchen, popping out babies and making sandwiches, or that those queer fucks down the street with their tasteful draperies have too many rights and may need to go to reeducation camps?

        I know that at one point, one of Bush’s AGs gave a thumbs-up to torture, but I don’t remember much else.

        Although I do remember that John Ashcroft lost to a dead man in a Missouri election.

        • artem1s

          well first there was Ashcroft who was so odious he lost his Senate seat to a dead man. He also thought that Lady Justice’s boobs were offensive so he spent $8K of taxpayers monies so he wouldn’t have to stand in front of nekkid justice during press conferences. Then there was Alberto Gonzalez who decided the Geneva Conventions were obsolete and who in his days as TX AG spent all his time making torture p0rn for Gov W by killing all the inmates on death row. Guantanamo and the falafel enemas were probably his idea as W wasn’t getting it up watching TX inmates fry anymore. Those missing CIA tapes, I’m betting Al’s still got a few around he breaks out when W comes over to clear some brush. Even Rs were ready to impeach him when he was forced to resign. There was one other but I don’t remember so he probably paled in comparison on the odious scale.

          • major_asshole

            Holy fuck… Like I said, though, I was a kid. I only started paying attention to politics around 2007.

          • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

            Michael Mukasey, who served the last 2 years of W’s term. He’s the one who said that Gonzales’ hiring practices may have violated civil service laws but did not rise to the level of crimes, and defended the expanded wiretapping program to Congress by claiming that had the U.S. been able to intercept one specific phone call, 9/11 could have been prevented.

          • artem1s

            as apposed to the fucking MEMO they missed from national security advisors entitled BIN LADIN IS COMING FOR YOUR ASS MFers.

          • theCryptofishist

            Torture Memo Author LIEbUlZZZZ!

          • Doug Langley

            Wasn’t that “Amnesia” Gonzalez who couldn’t remember his own name when questioned about his role in the administration?

      • Nockular cavity

        A million Iraqis, 4000 American troops, 3000 NYers, and 1400 New Orleanians (?) didn’t live through them.

        But at least we got ISIS out of those years!

      • Notreelyhelping
    • eggsacklywright

      Whatever shall we call this brave, new country?

      • Doug Langley

        Ground Zero leaps to mind.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      And much of the damage will be very difficult, if not impossible, to undo.

    • Historicat

      Party like it’s 1899.

  • Unpresidented Ron

    Why do I hear every insult I want to make at him in Foghorn Leghorn’s voice?

    • Bill D. Burger
      • Nockular cavity

        I’m kind of bummed to find out the head Keebler elf is such a fucking racist.

        • John Resistant Tovarich Smith

          You’re incorrect. The Keebler elves don’t hang people from their trees.

      • theCryptofishist

        What are the lines across that elf on the left’s cheeks? Whiskers? Scarification?

      • Doug Langley

        Now that you mention it, I’ve never seen those two together at the same time.

  • Msgr_MΩment

    Sasse is a brown-nosing qunt. Discuss.

  • Nounverb911
  • Nounverb911
  • XtremeFeministRodeoQueen MLG

    “A Tad Clueless on the Ladies” would be a great name for a world history book.

    • Rouge Skwerl!

      Or a book about women’s sports policy.

      • Toomush_Inferesistance

        Just herstory in general….

      • XtremeFeministRodeoQueen MLG

        Or my dating memoirs…

  • cats530

    That rat bastard does look like Elmer Fudd! Just about as dumb too, but with none of the jollity of Fudd.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    My Stars (and Bars)!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Jayuff Sayshuns is a racist, xenophobic, sexist, homophobe, unChristian freak.

    Did I leave anything out?

    • Look Closer

      And hates the women too!

      • beingreleased

        and the mooslims.

        • Look Closer

          And old people!

        • tomamitai

          What about the squirrelims?

    • Ricky Gay

      he eats his boogers (allegedly)

  • beingreleased

    Did he talk about his plans to end discrimination against white, Christian men?

  • mailman27

    This is the best we got. For Attorney General, this is the best attorney in the land. These are indeed the end of days.

    • cmd resistor

      First senator to endorse Trump. All you need to know.

      • Historicat

        Loyalty is the only currency that matters. Besides actual currency, of course.

        • cmd resistor

          Yeah, and if you can do both, you’ve got it made for sure.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I’m so tired
    tired of winning
    today

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    But pro-rebel flag, I bet?

  • baconzgood

    He’ll be confirmed because in this tea-party-Trump-alt-right Republican era these are all feathers in his cap and not strikes against him.

  • WIDTAP

    Look, Sessions may be Trump’s first choice, but he can always fall back to nominating Joey “No Socks” Cinque for AG.

    https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/jan/03/donald-trump-new-years-eve-2017-joseph-cinque-mob

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Toomush_Inferesistance
    • OrG

      No need for dog whistles.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And Inhofe takes the lead (for now) in the race to be labeled the stupidest person in the Senate!

      • OrG

        Plenty of competition.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Gohmert will rally soon and retake the lead, I’m sure.

    • Thaumaturgist

      MsBlarney, you are the only person in the wrld who doesn’t understand IOKIYAR.

  • major_asshole

    Does anyone here harbor any actual thought that Sessions will be denied the consent of the Senate? He, Rex Tillerson, the Oklahoma climate change denier, all of Trump’s cabinet picks–Democrats can’t do anything in the Senate, and the GOPers are all too scared shitless of the party to do anything, even if they hate the nominees with the vengeance of a thousand angry Abrahamic gods.

    This shit has driven me to open a beer before noon.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      52-48 they will run the table

      because the GOP has proven beyond a doubt that it’s party before country for them

      • beingreleased

        “I’m a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order. ”
        — Mike Pence

        American didn’t make the top three.

      • Blackest Noobs

        and White People before all others….even poor White People.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          or at least that’s what they tell the dumb poor white people

      • Martini Ambassador

        They are salivating at the notion that they can finally stick it to liberals, every opportunity, every petty thing. Because to me it seems at this point, it’s less about the issues and entirely about spite, consequences be damned. They are fucking petty toddlers.

        • beingreleased

          Are you calling Trump petty? Meryl Streep was less than reverential. She deserved a presidential response.

          • Martini Ambassador

            Not just Trump, but the whole deplorable basketfull of them.

            But yeah, Meryl Streep probably needs to be called up to answer for her crimes. I assume we’ll be re-instituting the Un-American Activities Committee, yes?

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Spite, hatred and an unearned sense of entitlement

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Take care of yourself. Make sure it’s a good beer, not some Bud Light or Session’s Pee or such. Sip slowly. Put on that good new Rolling Stones blues album….open the window shade, watch the slowly falling snow…..come back when you’re ready to Grrrrrrr….

    • snark-lurker

      noon is fine, it’s well after 6:00

    • theCryptofishist

      If it’s an American lager, it doesn’t count.

      Doesn’t help much either, but it doesn’t count.

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    On TV, Sen Al Franken to the rescue. This comedy needs some professionalism.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Not liking the Food Stamps might cost him the votes of the Farm Belt senators.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He doesn’t get what the food stamp program is all about. He can only see blah people not working cotton fields as slaves.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      And Walmart

    • Nounverb911

      And all them redstate whites on them too, also.

  • bookish

    Today.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/10/us/politics/russia-hack-hearing-clapper-rogers-brennan.html?_r=0

    Senior intelligence and law enforcement officials will testify on Tuesday for the first time since the release of a declassified report on Russia’s interference in the 2016 presidential election, appearing before a Senate committee four days after the findings were described to President-elect Donald J. Trump.

  • AngryKatie

    The older woman behind Sessions, who I assume is his wife, reminds me so much of my grandmother it’s disconcerting.

    Not just appearance wise. She would also be nodding sanctimoniously if my grandfather were to defend himself against accusations that he was a racist. In her head she’d be thinking “why, he’s no racist. If those blacks would just know their place we wouldn’t be having all this fuss.”

    • Blackest Noobs

      pretty much the perspective of all WHITE Republicans in Congress….if only that negro Barrack Obama knew his place, you wouldn’t have all these good racist white folks with their panties in a twist.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Why? Is your grandmother on fentanyl?…

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Are you now, or have you ever been a Hoofwanking Bunglecunt?

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Shorter Franken- you’re a fucking liar

    • lucidamente

      Longer Franken: You’re a Lying Liar and a Liar Who Tells Them.

  • Reality Kills

    How in heck Columbia University has not taken Monica Crowley’s Ph.D. degree back???!?!??!?!? Fuckkkkkk!!!

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      She fits right in with the rest of the liars and cheats

  • Lefty Frizzell

    One of my favorite holiday season pleasures is watching Muppet Christmas Carol (Michael Caine as Scrooge), narrated by Gonzo and Rizzo, and containing the classic exchange as they visit the Cratchits:

    Rizzo: Ow! I just fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose.
    Gonzo: You have all the luck!

    It also makes me feel sad because Dickens believed that if the rich really knew what it was like for the poor they would change their ways, and we have regressed so far since then that the moral of the story is laughably naive in modern day USA.

    Similarly – what was seen as irredeemably racist and sexist as recently as in Reagan’s administration in 1986 is now mainstream enough that it doesn’t really stand out as being worthy of scrutiny.

    The regression continues apace, accelerating. Sad.

    • snark-lurker

      also too Dickens was justifying Scrooge by recalling how poorly his widowed daddy treated him

      • Nockular cavity

        cf Norquist and Trump talking about how shitty their crank dads were to them.

        • snark-lurker

          pity the young Scrooge, he was such a nice boy

  • MynameisBlarney
    • Anna Rompage

      That’s one way of decreasing the unemployment & poverty rate in conservative counties all over the US….

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        Make America Crippled Again

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      I’ve given up thinking things can’t get any moar worster

      • snark-lurker

        every moment from here on is as good as it’s gonna get

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          Sorry Murica, you reached peak sanity in 2009

          enjoy the long slide back into the dark ages

      • Look Closer

        Oh, it’s going to get a lot moar worster by the time 4 years is over.

      • Doug Langley

        Hey, thank your lucky stars this man doesn’t have a private email server! Boy, did we dodge a bullet.

    • AngryKatie

      Jenny McCarthy is so pissed! She’s obviously the top anti-vaxxer.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        That’s who Donnie will actually appoint, because obvious reasons

        • AngryKatie

          Good point. I’m sure he’s very impressed with some of her qualifications. Two of them specifically.

        • OrG

          Too old.

      • MynameisBlarney

        Ivanka…uh…I mean, Melonoma probably put her foot down when he mentioned McCarthy.

        • AngryKatie

          Yeah, she’s getting pretty long in the tooth, and I’m sure Donnie has a rock solid pre-nup for when he moves her out to make room for the new model. She’d likely watch him like a hawk.

          That’s the upside to Ivanka. Can’t marry her.

          • TheAmazingBeardedTrangerderist

            Not yet.

  • exinkwretch

    Has he said “nigruh” yet?

    • therblig

      he probably has “don’t say nigruh” written on his hand, just to make sure.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    I’m sure Steve Bannon has made a courtesy call to all the senators to let them know a vote against one of the nominees is a vote against Дональд Трамп himself and a one-way ticket to political Siberia.

  • An Outhouse for the Resistance

    If that isn’t the face of white privilege, I don’t know what is.

  • Look Closer

    “Now the answer is clear—the gains of the mid-20th-century’s civil rights movement; the reproductive rights movement and the right to legal abortion; this century’s LGBT equality movement; and the hopes of millions of migrants facing forcible deportation are just some of the things people have to lose. And those nightmare scenarios are just the beginning with Trump’s appointment of Republican Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions as Attorney General.”

    http://www.alternet.org/election-2016/jeff-sessions-alabamas-neo-confederate-racist-misogynist-anti-immigrant-obstructionist

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      We’ll still have this stuff. We’ll just have to take it rather than be given it by law…

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Thanks. This was well written and succinct.

  • Cousin Itt de La Résistance

    Al Franken questions Sessions.

    “20 or 30?”

    “Depends.”

    • theCryptofishist

      Ewwwww! I don’t want to know about his magical underwear that hides the dribble from his little wank crank handle, thank you.

  • goonemeritus

    I would like to take this opportunity to point out to my friends on the left that there is in fact a actual difference between the two established political Parties.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      The two established political parties share many differences in common. /s

    • C4TWOMAN

      This is an issue muddled with misinformation.

      The “both parties are the same” schtick was rooted in the truth that both major parties benefit from the system, which benefits the wealthy, often at the expense of everyone else. But it was pushed by Libertarian alt-right think tanks, making it a less than honest position, since their “solution” is to go radical RIGHT.

      Also too “parties” and “left-right” got mixed up. While, with qualification, one could make an argument Dems and Reps are similar, when the argument leaped to “Left and Right are the same”, that was complete and utter hogwash.

      The Dems have some responsibly for this, moving centre instead of standing by the working class. That’s why Sanders appealed yo so many people.
      But of course the worst actor here is the Alt-right fake news propaganda outlets that bled over into the left.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I have to say, I’m a white, heterosexual male and I have never felt discriminated against nor have I ever felt like I have been politically ignored…disregarded maybe, but never ignored. How is it even possible that Jeff Sessions (R-Dickheadistan) can be even more oblivious to race and gender issues that I am? Fuck, even I know that people of color, women and LGBT….QT….WERTY….FUCK…you know what I mean, face shit tons of discrimination every day. He must be just completely dead inside, soulless, absolutely owned by the carnality of his own twisted hatreds.

    • OrG

      Or he’s a lying piece of shit.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        See, I think saying he’s lying gives him too much credit. I think he’s soulless enough to believe he’s right and that god is whispering in his ear, not the devil.

        • Historicat

          God tells him exactly what he wants to hear.

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      I am also a straight white guy. What pisses me off to a cosmological degree is how this Jeff Sessions Unmitigated Ugly Human Skin Full of Reeking Puss and Shit pretends to speak for me. (*) Oh Hell no he does not! The mere existence of this abominable blot on the face of humanity can be taken as evidence that either God is evil or non-existent. {{{PERIOD}}}

      Note (*): Also too, all of the other vaguely humanoid-shaped abominations that believe likewise.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        I am so with you on this one. Fuck that guy. And I’ll believe in God when the Russian Puppet gets struck by lightning.

    • Anna Rompage

      His soul is also just as dead as Kellyanne Conway’s hair…

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Oy vey, that’s pretty damned dead, if you ask me. Or even if you don’t.

      • Bozilingus

        I thought it was KA eyes that were dead. Like a shark’s…

      • C4TWOMAN

        I think her dark cavernous eye sockets are deader…

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        I think her hair is a filter feeding system for the lizard brain in her head.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      I think he thinks it’s not discrimination if they deserve it.

    • This is not limited to Sessions. Or even Republicans.
      Cannot tell you how many liberals, even recently, have expressed that potty laws are no big deal because they don’t see the problem, or we should drop this or that liberal concern because it does not effect that many people.
      It’s very concerning.

      • C4TWOMAN

        In the case of the potty laws, the casual reader may not understand all the details, especially if you live in a place where unisex single restrooms are common. I know I don’t.
        I’m just coming of of the, “This is all a joke, right guise? I mean, seriously?” haze myself.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        I was like that for quite some time. A good times liberal, I guess. What changed for me were two things, I got a little older and wiser, and I actually started believing the things people would say to me. I know that sounds weird, but the ability to empathize with others, especially those who are different than you are, is not always an innate ability. I had to learn it. I’d say that most republicans never do.

  • Crystalclear12

    So many reasons to drink and only one liver.
    This could be a problem.

    • snark-lurker

      liver bad. must kill it

      • Crystalclear12

        Working on it.

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Try calling your senator every time you have a drink…

      • theCryptofishist

        I did that. Ended up with shesu.. seshu… uh Good Deed Doers.

    • Verena Block

      And when they repeal the ACA, no way to get a replacement.

  • Picabo

    He is also a rabid War on Drugs advocate. Forget if your state has legal marijuana or medical marijuana. That will end with Sessions. He is also big on asset forfeiture laws. Bad news all around.

    • haroldpp

      This website https://dailyaction.org/ sends out a text M-F with an issue of the day and number to call where they will give a bit more info and then connect you to your congress person. Highly recommend.

      the number is 844-241-1141 to tell Congress no and NO to Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

    • DahBoner

      He was JOKING when he said he didn’t like the KKK because they smoked weed. That was a JOKE son. I say, a JOKE.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Senator Flake, how do Sessions balls taste?

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      “Definitely NOT like chicken.”

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    The worst part is- the more Sessions talks, the more you realize he just plain isn’t very smart. How he ever survived as an attorney is beyond me…

    • Anna Rompage

      He practiced law in Alabama….

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        that’s the only explanation- because he certainly couldn’t make it anywhere that merit and ability was valued more than skin color

      • therblig

        is that a randy newman tune i hear in the background…?

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          OT: New Randy Newman Song: Short-fingered People

          Instant Platinum.

      • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

        Ah! That ‘splains it!

    • C4TWOMAN

      I think cronyism explains a lot of these cases. Also too why they’re so resistant to things like vetting for competence…

    • Thaumaturgist

      Sessions didn’t survive as a attorney; he survived as a Republican Party hack.

      • ltmcdies

        ding ding ding….and winner of the thread is….this post

  • calliecallie

    Post Trumpian America will make the Hunger Games seem like a Utopian Fantasy.

  • Toomush_Inferesistance

    I know what it is! It brings me back to the days of the Watergate Hearings, sitting around in the middle of the day, doobie-struck, watching liars on tv….good times….Great again!…

    • Doug Langley

      The difference is that back then the liars went to jail.

  • BosGrl

    OMFG: Sessions just said that every dollar that is extracted from the American people via taxes needs to go to something worthwhile. So the 70 kajillion times they tried to defeat ACA or investigate emails did was worthwhile use of our tax dollars, I guess.

    • wtf does an AG hopeful have to do with tax dollars anyway?

      • TX Dept. of Brad Relations

        investigations are expensive, so we really shouldn’t do them*

        *except for the browns and blahs, and muslims, naturally. – Sessions

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Don’t forget uppity wimmens running for President.

  • Picabo
    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Thanks for that. It is a very good summary.

  • WotsAllThisThen

    It is now a fact of history that when we elected our first black President, the response of people like Sessions was to gut the Voting Rights Act, to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

  • haroldpp

    Did I miss it? Dude supports (or at least used to) life in jail for kids under 14. So low expectations on prison reforms.

    Also, https://dailyaction.org/ sends out a daily (M-F) text with an issue of the day and phone number to call where they will give a bit more info and then direct you to your congress person’s office to give them your 2 cents. Highly recommend.

    the number is 844-241-1141 to tell Congress NO to Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III

    • Toomush_Inferesistance

      Yup. It’s easy….and you want to get to know your senator better, anyway. I think, over the next few years, we’re going to have plenty to talk about with them…

      • haroldpp

        Get to them locally, call the local office, or even visit the office. Once town halls start in the spring, show up. Bring friends.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      Thanks for this!

  • theCryptofishist

    Can I still call him Jefferson Beauregard “Suck” Sessions III?

    • Doug Langley

      Knock yourself out.

      • theCryptofishist

        Ta.

  • Reality Kills

    Columbia better takes that degree away faster than Donald can type 140 characters!!!

    • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

      Actually, when you look at some of The Donald’s multi-segmented tweets, there are some examples of a significant delay between them which indicates that he is extremely slow. Probably because of his tiny thumbs.

      I read on the intertubes that guys (and applying that term to Trump is admittedly a stretch) with small thumbs correlate to them having small, ahem, other attributes as well.

      • MynameisBlarney

        “I read on the intertubes that guys (and applying that term to Trump is
        admittedly a stretch) with small thumbs correlate to them having small,
        ahem, other attributes as well.”

        Small thumbnails?

        • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

          Uh, yes, I suppose. But it’s on the intertubes now, so I suspect that small thumbnails is true, also too. Poor, poor Donald.

          • MynameisBlarney

            And he hasn’t denied either, sooooo….

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            I would love to see The Donald extrude a series of indignant tweets where he denies having small thumbnails.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I’d probably piss myself laughing.

          • If it were untrue, there would be a law suit!

          • Hamilton Ω, AKA Formerly DN

            And if True, there would be an empty threat of a law suit.

      • Reality Kills

        Oh, man! That was funny! I didn’t really know how fast or not he typed. Just merely trying to emphatic that that Monica needs to lose that Ph.D. soon!

    • Thiazin Red

      In science I’m not even allowed to use the same words from my own text in multiple places. Every time I write something I’ve got to come up with different ways to express it, and make sure that I cite myself.

      Columbia should take away her degree yesterday.

      • tomamitai

        Watch it, I hear too much citing yourself causes double blindness.

  • Bozilingus

    C-Span ready to take YOUR callls:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wrji0XLoFU

    • BosGrl

      The highlight of my day so far…

    • I can’t watch right now, but is it better than the time those two guys had their mom call in and scold them?

      • Bozilingus

        One of Oliver’s segments where C-SPAN guy has to deal with rude callers.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “It’s the JOOOS!”

  • Reality Kills

    Plagiarism is death penalty in academy! No exception!

    • Jennifer R

      IOKIYAR

    • Thiazin Red

      Bitch literally copy and pasted.

  • pgjack

    He will be confirmed and will remain a piece of crap while serving as AG. Republicans don’t care as long as their base doesn’t care and since their base elected Trump we know they do not give a flying fuck about ethics, common decency or civil rights. The only good news is that the Republicans have all the power and have no excuses. They have to govern now and I do not think they are capable of governing.

    • Ducksworthy

      I agree. But given their past performance, this will probably not be a good thing.

  • Reality Kills

    Monica probably wrote Melania’s speech.

  • Thaumaturgist

    JBScubed has so changed. (How do you do the “third power” thing in an iPad?). He may have been against commies back when America was great the first tie ever, but now he’s willing to work for Putin’s bitch.

    • Sister Artemis

      when I want some non-standard character, I just google it and then copy and paste it. I used to go hunting around for the special codes and all that, and then one day, I was all “fuck this” and tried the googles. Much easier.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Putin isn’t a commie. He’s a strong, manly leader who is strongly leading Russia to…fucking shit up, or something.

      • Ducksworthy

        Putin is the leader of the Russian version of Trump’s own party: the Kleptocrats. (This would make a fine title for a Saturday Morning Cartoon, also.)

        • TheAmazingBeardedTrangerderist

          Putin is the leader of the Russian mob.

          • Ω cynmac will never surrender

            And ex-KGB.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    He’s a civil rights hero! He’s a champion for women! He’s honorable and kind! He’s a low-calorie desert topping and the best grease remover money can buy! Fuuuuucck. Why didn’t they run Sessions for President? He sounds like Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln all in one.

    • C4TWOMAN

      This must be the Human Value called sarcasm.

    • theCryptofishist

      Especially Jefferson, then.

    • DahBoner

      Bull regard.

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    Is it wrong to wish for DC to suddenly fall off in to the ocean on January 20th? Asking for a friend.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      As long as Warren, Franken, Brown, et al get out ahead of time.

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        I forgot about them and others. Meh, as long as Donnie Dementia and company are gone, I can make the sacrifice.

        • IOnlyLikeCats

          To be honest I think they’re too stubborn to go that way. Maybe a diety could protect them?

          • JustDon’tSayOverrated

            Like the Scarsdaly Diety?

    • AnnieGetYerFun

      How about the 22nd? Can you work with the 22nd?

      • Me not sure

        As long as the all of the marchers and protesters are safely out of town, I’m good.

      • Me not sure

        As long as the marchers and protesters are safely out of town, I’m good.

        • Sister Artemis

          You probably should make provisions for the actual residents as well…. just sayin’

          • Me not sure

            A mere oversight. Thanks.

    • Ducksworthy

      I think there’s a big rock somewhere in the Azores or Canary Islands that will soon fall in the Atlantic and produce a Tsunami sufficient to flush the district out to sea.

    • Quercus

      Can we save the Smithsonian museums?

    • PersianOregano

      D.C. Voted overwhelmingly >90%for Hillz so save your tsunamis for Trumpistan thank you. A giant wave straight up through that so called “heartland”

    • Tiny kaiju

      Would a strategic sinkhole under Capitol Hill work? On second thought we’d probably get an even worse crew as replacements

  • A_Changeling

    How many protesters so far (I haven’t watched from the beginning) and could anyone make out what they were shouting?

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I heard about the protesters that showed up in Klan robes and Code Pink. Not a lot, but enough.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Brisdull getting pregnant without having known a man is a mystery; grabbing a pussy is a process as simple at it is, if unconsensual, offensive.

    • Scrofula

      The GOP never got the controversy–I mean, how can you get a hand through that slit in the sheet? and anyway, eww.

  • AnnieGetYerFun

    It’s unclear how that would happen! The hand goes in, the hand goes out. No one can explain it.

    • Me not sure

      “I’m totally unfamiliar with a woman’s genitalia so I don’t know how I could ever be expected to have an opinion on that. THE VERY IDEA, SIR!”

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      The number of times this man has equivocated on the questions asked is staggering. I don’t believe a word out of his mouth.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Hey, he didn’t actively obstruct the civil-rights cases his subordinates worked on. In Conservative World, that makes him Martin Luther King.

    • ltmcdies

      he didn’t actively pull the cord at the lynchings either so I guess…

  • azeyote

    trump is just covering is ass by getting someone who would never legally question him

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    Can someone help me out with this. Are they going to vote on Sessions today? Or is today just the hearings?

    • doktorzoom

      Hearings continue tomorrow

      • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

        So I have time to call my Senators?

        • alpacapunchbowl

          Yes! And please do!

        • doktorzoom

          Time, and duty, even!

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      The voting cannot take place until after the Urination.
      They have also said that the votes won’t be conducted until after the background checks are done. But what about questions about findings in the background checks?

  • rocktonsam

    so sessions is on board with rich greedy assholes who hate everything else. check and mate,

  • randomhookup

    Wait, I thought corporations were people, so immigration reform does benefit them, right?

  • Paperless Tiger

    A lying, racist, misogynistic asshole? He’ll fit right in.

  • DahBoner

    “You Yankees are all the same.”
    http://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/scalefit_630_noupscale/582e29c2180000ca0330ebc5.jpeg
    But what about the Mets?

  • Jukesgrrl

    When I called my conservative senators about Sessions I emphasized voting rights to them because I figured they would be unmoved by complaints about his denying justice to women, people of color, and the LGBTQ community.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      I plan to call tomorrow and protest against the hearing before clearances.

  • Marceline

    I can’t help but wonder if the protesters who interrupted Sessions hearing today voted and if so, for whom.

    • Ω cynmac will never surrender

      At this point, I don’t care who people voted for or if they voted at all. We are all in this together. If you have been fighting the good fight for a long while (as I have) or if you are just now catching a clue, it makes no difference. I don’t care if you are Blue State or Red State, Coastal or Fly-over, we are all Americans and are all equally affected.

      Also too, purity tests and pledges are for Republicans, as we say in the Shire.

      • Marceline

        Except a lot of people who called themselves our allies sold us out. I need to know who we can trust.

        • Ω cynmac will never surrender

          I’m not sure that is true. I know people who voted for Stein and Johnson and I know people that didn’t vote. I don’t consider that they sold us out. I’m not that paranoid.

          • Marceline

            We disagree.

          • Ω cynmac will never surrender

            Sure we do. We usually do. But we talk anyway. The Magic of Wonkette.

        • handyhippie65

          yourself? hopefully, other wonketteers. beyond that, no one in positions of authority.

  • Ken Berry

    Well of course he opposes SNAP benefits for rural whites. The cognitive deficits from malnutrition make those lil’ crackers Republican voters!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Mebbe that Weekly Standard reporter should have reached over and grabbed Jeff’s junk and said, “Does this feel like sexual assault to you?”

  • Zyxomma

    I’ve emailed my senators. Don’t know what else I can do.

  • mary5920

    He’s also horrible on issues regarding medical marijuana and legalization. He’s an anti-science bigot. Other than all that, he’s a sexist and an arrogant jerk. Just drumpster fire’s sort of guy.

  • Ducksworthy

    I always knew that Elmer Fudd was evil. Evil evil Elmer Fudd.

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