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Totally essential.
Totally essential. (Pic via some Breitbart dude on Twitter.)

IMAGINE: It’s Christmastime and the barely elected fascist savior of America is a-comin’ to Alabammy to let Alabammy idiots mash their furry paws together and raise their idiot voices in praise of the autocratic thug with the bad hair and face, so what do you do? Well, a rally like that calls for a Christmas tree, of course! So do you go to Big Lots and buy a cheap piece of crap tree, because screw Donald Trump? No way! Do you go to Saks and get a gold-plated luxurious artificial tree, and instead of an angel or a star on top, you put a big figurine of Trump elegantly grabbing everybody by the pussy? That could work, but nah. Do you go buy a real Christmas tree from a real Christmas tree farm, to present to Dear Leader? NO WAY, BUBBA, that’s not a meaningful gift from your heart!

No, instead you go to a public park and you murder a tree, a special tree, A CHOSEN TREE, a FIFTY GOLDANG FOOT TALL TREE, to bestow upon the thin-skinned despot, for your rally. That is what you do. It is the only appropriate thing:

The chief of staff to Mobile Mayor Sandy Stimpson issued a public apology Sunday for his responsibility in having a cedar tree cut down at Public Safety Memorial Park Friday and transported to Ladd-Peebles Stadium as a prop during President-elect Donald Trump’s rally on Saturday.

Colby Cooper, who has been Stimpson’s chief of staff since 2013, said he became “overzealous” in making sure “every detail was covered and the expectations” of Trump’s team were exceeded ahead of Saturday’s televised rally.

“I now know that there are citizens who are upset and offended that a tree from a city park was used as part of the decorations for the event,” Cooper said in a statement sent out to the local media. “I accept full responsibility for having this done. For this, I sincerely apologize. Going forward, I will be more sensitive to the spectrum of concerns regarding trees.”

Colby Cooper will be “more sensitive” about whacking trees to death for no reason in the future, as he has learned his lesson, and is definitely not sneering sarcastically. He will not take chainsaws to them, and then decorate them in honor of our beloved leader, and also use them to cover up the scoreboard at the venue where the rally was held. Now, it may be that Trump does not trust scoreboards, as some funny hijinks-doer might be tempted to display the running popular vote total for the US American election on them, which would severely distract Trump from Making America Great Again. And he is so easily distracted anyway!

We checked Trump’s Twitter to see if he is sorry that Christmas tree died for his sins, but his only tweet about Alabama is this stupid picture of a buncha dumb people hanging on to the puss-grabber’s every mangled word:

trumptweet6

Know what was #MadeInTheUSA, Donald Trump? That tree. Pfffffft, Wonkette hates everything now, goodbye.

[AL.com]

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  • House0fTheBlueLights
    • Wild Cat

      You still read that corrupt rag?

    • Ezio Auditore

      Alternate headline: Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated today….

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I exceeded my free page-view limit? That happens every month.

      (Yes, I know about the go in cognito thing. This is what’s known in the non-existant comment trade as a joke.) :-)

      • Tallmutha

        Guess you’ll have to get the dead-tree version.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          And we all thought this comment was off topic! :-)

    • Mehmeisterjr

      So does Trump favor Russia or Turkey? Hint: The highest bidder.

      • Ezio Auditore

        I think going forward Russia is the new Germany and the U.S. is the new Italy.

        • georgiaburning

          Waiting to see the new Commander-In-Chief uniform, it will be fabulous

          • Ezio Auditore

            Commander in Cheeto

          • georgiaburning

            That complexion will so totally match the dark green jacket and the donated ribbons.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Have you seen his suits? Fabulous is not the word that comes to mind.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          That means we’ll have to retool the Abrams fleet to have one gear forward and four in reverse.

          • Ezio Auditore

            It means we’ll have to make all our technology look cool but also be totally dysfunctional.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Since Putin and Trump seem hell-bent on carving up Europe, I figured the U.S. was the new Germany and Russia is the new… well, Russia.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Does that mean Congress will adopt a new US flag design, getting rid of the red and blue so that it’ll be all white?

    • SmokinGood

      Come on now, that’s like two-hours ago in shitty world events. The hep shit breaking this minute is the truck running down people in Berlin.

      https://www.theguardian.com/world/live/2016/dec/19/berlin-truck-crash-christmas-market-live

  • Spurning Beer

    Another few years and that coulda been a good lynchin’ tree.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    People actually go to these things?

    Stupidity and enthusiasm are a terrible combination.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Nürnberg rallies were not spectator events…nearly all the participants were members of the Partei, or at least members of Partei organizations.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        “OK everyone, when Leni gives you the signal, you cheer. And make it look spontaneous.”

    • Kiri the Resistant Unicorn

      Witness NASCAR.

  • mrpuma2u

    Trees are a pagan symbol. Why does this mayor hate baby jeebus so much?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I bet he says, “Happy Holidays!”

      • Lance Thrustwell

        He just says that to needle people.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          He’s a cone-quistidor.

          • mrpuma2u

            He’s pining for the good ol’ days.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            These puns are a perennial problem

          • puredog

            I can’t believe yew people are saying these things.

          • ViveLaRésistance

            Now I have a craving for cedar cheese.

          • Querolous

            What’s sap, doc?

          • Lance Thrustwell

            You can tell he took it seriously. He got all spruced up.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Something, something fjords.

          • Tallmutha

            That joke is a real evergreen.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          That’s a fir way to go for a pun.

        • sgt. jmk of the résistance

          I’ll bet his constituents are all board…and pine for a better mayor.

        • Tallmutha

          If you people want to go on forever with the dumb puns, it’s oak with me.

        • memzilla Ω

          The balsam people have…

        • OldWhiteLies

          Acacia wasn’t clear, assume tree is dead.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It is a mystery worthy of Agatha Christie’s Miss Maple.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He was horny and just wanted to balsam body.

      EDIT: I was beaten to it! (Shame.)

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Quit beeching, people.

  • Resistance Engineer Red Bird

    Here you go donnie:
    “Racism! #madeintheUSA”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “We thought it was a pubic park, and decided to do some trimming.”

  • Groundloop

    “Going forward, I will be more sensitive to the spectrum of concerns regarding trees.”

    Mayor Stimpson J. Cat added that while being “‘more sensitive to the spectrum of concerns'” (air quotes his), “he may or may not make a dismissive wanking motion and OMG MR. TRUMP IS SO DREAMY AND HE MIGHT EVEN KNOW MY NAME NOW!!!”

    • nightmoth

      His quote sounds sarcastic. Of course, you have to have a modicum of intelligence to be sarcastic, so maybe not, but it sure sounds like “Oh, boo fucking hoo, so I cut down a tree.”

  • Well, it’s fitting.

    Use it all up, burn or cut it all down, pollute to your heart’s content and maybe pay a small fine, kill the planet because it’s slightly more expensive or inconvenient to do the right thing and we don’t give a fuck.

    I hope dogs survive and evolve into the next sentient species. A world run by dogs seems like it would be pretty chill.

    • Groundloop

      I for one, welcome our new canine overlords.

      • Meccalopolis

        Pretty sure Franklin will put in a good word for me

        • Georgiargray

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !sr220c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !sr220c:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash510WebInvestGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!sr220c:….,…….

    • Suttree

      Maybe they’ll keep a few of us around as pets. Hopefully they spay and neuter the majority.

    • Martini Ambassador

      It’s gonna be cockroaches. Those buggers are able to survive nuclear fallout. But maybe they will be cute cockroaches.

    • Vincent Ricola

      Much better than Trump.

    • memzilla Ω
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Probably better than a world ruled by cats with opposable thumbs.

      https://youtu.be/504GYKZlGqg

    • arglebargle

      Who’s a good boy?

  • Ezio Auditore

    This is just further confirmation to me that they don’t view Christ as their savior but more like Trump as their savior…

      • Ezio Auditore

        *Facepalm*

      • yyyaz

        Damn, that means there are 63 million anti-christs. Never saw that coming.

      • Oh, FFS.

    • They see Trees as their savior. It’s why they kill millions each year and hold their corpses in veneration in their homes.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Drumpf, the second son of Mammon, after Jeebus.

    • cmd

      Franklin Graham, who introduced Trump at the Alabama rally, said God helped Trump win in answer to the prayers of all the people who prayed for the USA. I might not have the exact words but that was the gist of it. I was visiting my mom on Saturday and had the misfortune of hearing some of the rally because the TV was on CNN (who of course carried the whole thing). We found her a nice Christmas TV service to watch instead. It was as horrid as one could imagine. (The rally). He also brought in Jeff Sessions to get cheered.

      • h4rr4r

        Who cheers for Jeff Sessions?
        This guy was too racist for the 1980s!

        • cmd

          People in Alabama, I guess. Trump was wearing a read hat that said USA on it, while Sessions wore a white Make America Great Again.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    OK, not only are Russian hackers testing the limits of the Commenting Rules for Radicals, now hack Alabama politicians are.

    Colby Cooper needs to be cut, with votes that are made by Stihl and unlubed.

  • dslindc

    “On the bright side, I no longer have to sit in that park in Alabama, staring at these yokels,” said the tree.

    • yyyaz

      Sad part is the tree probably would have lived long enough to not be bothered by any more yokels. Ever.

  • dslindc

    Unless Colby Cooper has a private email server, I don’t know why we’re even talking about this.

  • lucidamente

    “I apologize if any trees were offended by my actions.”

    • SmokinGood

      “I apologize if any trees republican-voting soccer moms were offended by my actions.”

      FTFY

  • Suttree

    If it weren’t for that whole oxygen thing and the fact that I like nature, I wouldn’t really mind that much if they clear cut and paved over Alabama.

  • Tallmutha

    Who the hell does that?

    • Ezio Auditore

      People who seem to think Donald Trump is a god who needs to be appeased?

      • Tallmutha

        I mean, look at that picture. Nothing about it looks right. Nobody has ever done that, and for a reason.

        • yyyaz

          “Reason.” Heh.

      • TRUMPCO demands “Another shrubbery!”.

    • Msgr_Moment

      That Murrikan next to you.
      On either side.

  • Wild Cat

    “Really love your bitches,
    Now I’m gonna shake down your tree . . . “

    • h4rr4r

      Great now that is stuck in my head.

      • Wild Cat

        Behave or I’ll do a “We Built This City” parody . . .

        Bwahahahhahah!

  • Mpeg

    Clearly the tree weighed more than a duck; so it had to go.

  • Martini Ambassador

    I have a “spectrum of concerns” about the upcoming race baiting, the rollback of women’s/minorities’/lgbtq persons’ rights, the looming world war, the raping by if the environment and the point of no return in the attempts to curtain global warming, the selling of our government and resources to powers both domestic and foreign, and a few other things. Today, we are all that 50-foot pine tree.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    “I love Big Wood!” Trump spat playfully.

  • lucidamente
  • Marr

    Trump is going to make Thneeds Great Again. Because a Thneed is what everyone truly needs.

  • Daisy

    What the even fuck!?

  • anwisok
  • Jenny

    What the fuck??? No one would have noticed that there wasn’t a tree in a foot ball stadium.

    So what in the ever loving fuck?! Why would you send someone out to cut a tree for a football stadium. And why a tree in the city park, jesus fucking christ?! Are there no trees anywhere else that were, oh I don’t know, actually in need of chopping?

    Of all the shit happening today, this is the biggest wtf. No one needed a goddamn tree in a football stadium. Look it is literally in the stands. Who fucking decorates the nose bleed section?!

    Boy, what in the hell is wrong with you?!

    • Jennifer R

      Because fuck the sort of people who use and like city parks is the point.

      • Jenny

        What kind of backwoods country bullshit is that? Even in Texas we have trees we don’t cut cuz they’re old as fuck. There is an oak tree on the capitol grounds that has a branch literally lying on the ground that won’t be cut back because old ass tree!

        • Jennifer R

          I can tell you, having grown up in Appalachia, there is a LOT of fuck what the other person likes because fuck them going on.

      • Suttree

        They like them just fine when you put a big fence around them, and tell others that they aren’t allowed in.

        • Jennifer R

          There are no dogs allowed in the dog park.

    • Tallmutha

      This is exactly the point I was wtf-ing about, but I didn’t have the sangfroid to compose a perfect sentence like “No one would have noticed that there wasn’t a tree in a football stadium.”

      • Jenny

        They wanted to hide the scoreboard I guess. In Texas we cover our scoreboards with garland and ornaments like civilized yokels!!!

  • JMP

    After cutting down the old giant tree, did the Chief of Staff pave paradise and put up a parking lot?

    • Yr. Gma

      Did he put it in a tree museum?

      • yyyaz

        Where is my bigly Yellow taxi???

  • Reality Kills

    Donald is a complete idiot. He now nominated for budget director someone that opposes spending. This cabinet is going to be like watching WWE.

    • dshwa

      Well Linda McMahon is around it so, yes, just like WWE

    • Ezio Auditore

      He could make big pharma head of the FDA and his supporters would STILL rationalize it. Just like they rationalized all his other totally not populist candidate picks.

    • Begin Anew Day

      WWE libel? Those guys work for their pay! Jumping off them ladders and climbing around in those cages is dangerous stuff and not for timid pussies like Donnie and his buddies.

  • “I accept full responsibility for having this done. For this, I sincerely apologize. Going forward, I will be more sensitive to the spectrum of concerns”

    Is it just me or is this just their way of saying F-U to their detractors. Welcome to trumplandia everyone.

    • nightmoth

      Not just you. That’s exactly how it sounded to me, as well.

    • dslindc

      It sounds about one step removed from the, “I’m sorry you were offended” non-apology apology.

    • Begin Anew Day

      You’re right. He don’t give a shit and he is laughing about it.

  • Mpeg

    ♫ “I’d like to teach the world to sing/ In per-fect har-mony/
    I’d like to chop the world a tree /
    Down from its natural home/
    Fling it up on a stack of bleachers /
    Desecrate it with tacky bling/
    So it’s pretty for a few hours of Drumpf’s drumpfing /
    Then everyone stands up, stretches to go/
    Every last one goes home / Except the tree, which languishes in a stadium/
    In per-fect ignom-iny” ♪

  • dslindc
    • I bet Bill Clinton votes for “Deez Nuts”.

    • dshwa

      How is any of that helpful?

    • Jennifer R

      You only get to be a republican elector by being rich and faithful so it doesn’t matter, none of them were going to break.

    • georgiaburning

      Maybe this is OK, make the EC a joke and we may get rid of it in the next 100 years. Not that it’s certain we last that long

    • Msgr_Moment

      Bubba the Love Sponge or GTFO!

      • grindstone

        Don’t even start with that fucking asshole….

  • Reality Kills

    Donald wants to spend $1T, cut taxes, and not touch SS. So what does he do? Find me someone that is against federal spending! Brilliant! … Fucking moron!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      When you’re in charge, you don’t need to do the math.

      • Reality Kills

        I am not sure he is in charge. But I know this, Donald-the-biggest-moron-ever has no respect for expertise/experience.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • dslindc

      Jeb! can fix it!

      (j/k, he cannot)

    • Querolous

      Funny how it tilts to the right.

  • Spotts1701, Resistance Pilot

    I really wish the next thing to get chopped would be Mr. Cooper’s employment. But I’m not holding my breath.

  • The WAR ON CHRISTMAS is taking NO PRISONERS this Season.

  • 4 years ofthis
    4 years of robbing the public interests for their own gains and an oops I am sorry will make it all better

  • XtremeFeministRodeoQueen MLG

    I would like to speak to the person in charge of decorating this tree immediately. Has he/she never heard of having a relevant theme? Where are all the little swastika ornaments? Where are the hundreds of precious white snowflake ornaments? Where is the Russian flag tree skirt? Where is the hooded Klansman tree topper?

  • Msgr_Moment

    War on Christmas trees.
    Check.

  • cmd

    So that’s what the church sign I saw the other day — “Make Christmas Great Again” was talking about?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Screw the frankincense and myrrh. You know what we want!

      • cmd

        I did see an amusing cartoon today that there was a fourth wise man who was turned away because he brought fruitcake.

  • MAZS

    In bringing back “Made in the USA”, I trust Donald will start with his ties……..and virtually everything sold by Ivanka.

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      Fuck. He doesn’t even marry American.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Woody Allen didn’t marry American either.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      From now on Trump will only fuck and marry females who are All-American. Do I smell a divorce in the works?

    • georgiaburning

      and I’m sure that the labels will be made in USA

  • Begin Anew Day

    Whenever I read “Pfffffft, Wonkette hates everything now, goodbye.” I get all misty eyed and fall in lolve with Wonkette a little more.

    I know it’s not healthy but the only doctor who will see me is named Zoom and for some reason he wants to be paid up front.

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    The War on Christmas is now settled so that we can spittle Merry Christmas in the faces of Muslims and Jews, we’ll get to the War on Trees for you libtard treehuggers later.
    – Donald

    • Ezio Auditore

      Fake quote! He’d never say there is a war on trees because climate change is a scam by the Chinese and the environment is only there to serve us!

  • Martini Ambassador

    Fuckit, I’m starting in on the eggnog early this year. Merry Trumpmass, mofos!

  • mrFawkes

    The xmas tree of liberty, teetering lonely on a football field bleacher, must be watered from time to time with the tobaccy juice of bubbas .

    • arglebargle

      HA! Spit take.

  • Msgr_Moment
  • MynameisBlarney
  • Thaumaturgist
  • thixotropic jerk

    I hope the Lorax finds that fucker and chops him down to size!

    • Beanz&Berryz

      At the knees… with a bread knife… but not mortally… so he lives through the whole process… and afterwards also too

  • elviouslyqueer

    Rallygoer picture caption: White Christmas: Achieved.

  • ViveLaRésistance

    Didn’t First Lady Ivanka just ink a deal to make her crappy shoes and/or incendiary scarves in Japan, aka #NotUSA?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Damn treehoggers.

  • The Wanderer

    OT, but to go along with this article about Alabama Man, we must bring up this article about Florida Woman:
    http://crooksandliars.com/2016/12/florida-woman-aims-guns-laser-sights-black

    • cynmac will never surrender

      Discussed last night in Open Thread that Shit Fer Brains turned into.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Meh. Nice try but if you want to impress Trump you need to chop down a bristlecone pine. The older the better.

    • BigBoppa pour la résistance

      Sequoia — most bigly of pines or GTFO!

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Even better. Something Trump can park his jet under.

      • Serai 1

        Sequoias are redwoods, not pines.

  • Tallmutha

    I know you’ll be astonished to learn that the douchebag in the buzz cut is Colby Cooper:

    http://media.al.com/news_mobile_impact/photo/Cooper_1.jpg

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    How does someone who used (stole,destroyed,ymmv) public property for use by a political campaign keep his job?

    • Doug Langley

      I’m still trying to figure out how James Comey is still gainfully employed.

    • Jamoche

      It’s [insert any southern state here], Jake.

    • I was about to ask the same thing. He should have been kicked to the curb and escorted out by security. I’m wondering if there’s some sort of theft or diversion of municipal funds charge that could be filed against him. He sent government employees to cut down the tree, thus using city money for his personal business.

      What a shithead.

  • Doug Langley

    They came for the trees, but I was not a tree, so I said nothing . . .

  • Tallmutha

    Cooper said on Saturday that the city planned to “re-purpose” the tree for another use, but it’s unclear what that might be.

    Me, call on me! I can think of one.

    • Jenny

      Mulch. The bastards.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Biofuel. That ought to shut up the greenies.

      • TJ Barke

        Pretty sure the redneck term for that is firewood.

        • BigBoppa pour la résistance

          That’s faarwud, son.

    • Jennifer R

      Don’t let him have lube either.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Splinter!

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          The People’s Thrust of Judea!

    • elviouslyqueer
      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        See how he’s the pussy grabbin’ hand in position. That’s what separates the pros from the rest of us.

        • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

          Nothing like a man who is not intimidated by hoop skirt armor.

      • Serai 1

        Jesus Christ, those have to be the ugliest goddamn dresses I’ve ever seen. They look like fucking pom-poms.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Cut to make crosses for burning at all their other rallies.

  • BadKitty904

    OT: So. The puppet of an enemy state illegally steals the U.S. Presidential election and the Electoral College, Congress, and the Judiciary are OK with that? Now, let’s switch roles and, say, China tampered with the electoral process to swing the election to Clinton – what do you think would be the reaction?

    It looks like Putin’s gamble on America’s weakness and cowardice has paid off BIG time.

    • TJ Barke

      It’s almost as if these fucks are actually only beholden to wealth and power and not the nation or its people…

      • yyyaz

        Pffft. It only looks that way.

        • HooverVilles

          My thought eggsactly!

  • Dr. Rrrrrobotnik

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/12/19/electoral_college_updates_live_blog.html

    OT, but three of the Faithless electors are throwing their votes to… Colin Powell, one for Bernie, while a fifth opts for one “Faith Spotted Eagle”. All from Clinton.

    Welp, a dumb last-ditch strategy dies its farcical death. Anyone got any other ideas?

    • sgt. jmk of the résistance

      I weep.

      • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

        Pelosi will call for inpeachment hearings 1/21 The GOP won’t get the Wonkette joke lingo.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      WTG, idjits. Now Donnie can crow about an even biglier landslide…

  • Unpresidented_in_Seattle

    Donald decides that volunteering as a mall Santa will improve his image for a weekend. 3000 kids seek therapy for who was that scary man the next week.

    • BosGrl

      He will only be Mall Santa if there aren’t any kids. Well, except cute high school girls. Otherwise, no deal.

    • Doug Langley

      Thousands of screaming, crying, hostile brats in his lap. I’d watch.

  • QHarp, Mujer malévola

    Everybody knows that the only acceptable reason to murder a tree in Alabama is SEC rivalry.

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/ncaaf/sec/2013/03/22/harvey-updyke-auburn-toomers-corner-oaks-poisoning/2011673

    http://www.al.com/auburnfootball/index.ssf/2016/10/canopy_of_burnt_toomers_corner.htm

    Also, do we really need a park to memorialize public safety? OSHA is still around for the next 6 weeks or so.

  • OT: Ain’t It Cool Nature Edition:

    They live right near the Savannah Wonkette Chapter!

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/great-white-sharks-caught-off-carolinas_us_5857dde7e4b08debb789cab5

    Note To Trump Boys: We LOVE our monstrous-sized lady Great White Sharks and we give them cute collars and names and will so feed you to them if you get any ideas about how manly they might look in you Man Cave Clubhouse.

  • TJ Barke

    How soon til the opening of Smoking Blasted Industrial Hellscape Park?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I believe they prefer “Texas”.

      • In Alabama it’s called Birmingham.

        Of course, now there are precious shops selling old handsaws with ALABAMA painted on them nestled in the rotting bellies of the old iron works.

        • cynmac will never surrender

          In Mississippi, it’s called Starkville.

  • anon_the_great

    With so much lawlessness from the Law and Order crowd one might reasonably conclude they are full of shit.

    • cynmac will never surrender

      Rly? What was your first clue?

  • YayConspiracy

    It’s just a tree. Seen one, seen ‘m all.

  • Dutchman

    November 8th 2016 was the day that American voters disproved the existence of God.

    • Dutchman

      I have searched the interwebs and challenged teh Googlz but have been unable to find any prior reference to this snide remark. As such, I’m claiming rights to H/T for all eternity or the coming foretold nuclear (nukular for right wingers) winter is upon us and there is no more information flowing through the tubes.

      • BigBoppa pour la résistance

        Let’s hope if it comes to that, those tubes are either combustible or edible.

    • ryp

      Or perhaps proved the existence of a cruel one.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    What, couldn’t they find a golden calf to poach?

  • Begin Anew Day

    Finally! The great day arrives my brethren! It has taken centuries of patient planning and stealthy plotting but soon we will have the “electoral college” ratify our candidate and the Cult of Cthulhu will finally have nuclear weapons! What a glorious bloodbath it will be! I know you all have worked hard for this and your diligence will be rewarded. Vengeance upon your enemies; your dreams of power come true; all of this and more will come our way as it was ordained by the Oceanic Dreamer Itself!

    Pay no heed to the “news” about Russian interference or Donnie’s personal vices. These nation state pawns are mere meat puppets bent to the inexorable will of our One True Master who will rise from the depths of the Pacific Ocean to assert It’s Will as foretold by the stars!

    Now is a good time to purchase your favorite condiments in bulk. For after the Reign of Blood will come the time of feasting.

    • Now is a good time to purchase your favorite condiments in bulk. For after the Reign of Blood will come the time of feasting.

      Or grab a handful of ketchup packets from Wendy’s and run like the dickens.

      • Begin Anew Day

        Good play!

    • Rick Hill

      Does spicy relish go well wi blood feasting?

      • cynmac will never surrender

        Srirancha is what all the kool kidz use.

        • ryp

          Sriracha, what Tobasco would taste like if you peed in it with an infected bladder.

          • cynmac will never surrender

            IKR!

    • Serai 1

      Great Cthulhu says:

      DO NOT BLAME THIS ON ME.

      I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT ASSHAT.

      WHEN THE OLD ONES RETURN, I WILL HAPPILY EAT HIS LIVER, ROASTED SLOWLY OVER HOT COALS AND BASTED WITH HONEY.

      NEVER HAD LIVER WITH HONEY? IT’S DELICIOUS. TRUST ME.

      ANYWAY, THAT ORANGE TOADSTOOL SITTER AND HIS MEWLING
      MINIONS ARE NOT MY PEOPLE.

      THEY ARE MY SNACKS.

      PLEASE KEEP THAT IN MIND.

      • Begin Anew Day

        False Prophet! You dare speak for the Dread One in ALL CAPS?

        You obviously adhere to the heretical Lumley/Derlith Codex which only sanctioned a Second Revelation of the Oceanic Dreamer’s vision. Until you are washed in the blood of the THIRD Revelation as expounded by Levy/Joshi can you hope to be one of the chosen!

        Repent Heretic! Time is short!

    • frrolfe

      Thanks for that! Really cheered me up. Would you recommend Dijon, American or English mustard?

      • Begin Anew Day

        Barbecue sauce for rednecks.

    • AJ Milne

      Trump will not be eaten first.

      Indeed, discerning elder gods, quizzed on the subject of devouring the orange one, politely commented it is difficult to find a wine to pair with such stuff…

      He may be surreptitiously dropped into the compost relatively early, however. Possibly during cocktails.

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Our city parks department (who take very good care of our wonderful urban forest, started by an activist city arborist in the 1910s) would tell any city official that wanted a big tree cut down to piss up a rope. As it is they bedeck any city tree that is to be cut down with signs explaining exactly what disease it has for weeks ahead to head off the irate tree loving citizenry.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      There’s a tree that has a limb that blocks the truck entrance to an area outside city hall where they hold music and cultural events. I can’t even get them to trim that limb back without everyone losing their minds

    • nightmoth

      Good old Athens, Ga. has a “tree that owns itself” thereby forcing a residential street into a curved one lane to go around it. It’s actually “son of the tree that owns itself” since the original big oak, deeded its’ own plot of land by its’ eccentric owner, was downed in a windstorm many years ago, and one of its’ offspring was planted there.

  • Anna Rompage

    “Going forward, I will be more sensitive to the spectrum of concerns regarding trees.”

    Um, going forward, this hoofwanking bunglecuck should be fired from his job and fined for vandalizing a public park…

    • HooverVilles

      Eggsactly. If any “common” person cut a tree down in a public they would end in a for profit prison; but a GOTPer, well that is a different thing.
      As always IOKIYAR!

      • Résistance Land Shark

        As of today, that’s changed to IOKIYAT

    • Ricks CatCafe de la Resistance

      Sounds so passive aggressive, don’t it? How would he like it if someone came and cut down a tree on his property? See, it’s everyone’s property, jointly, and he just stole from them, not to mention vandalized the fucking park, as you say, took away some of its beauty, its shade, its air-cleaning anti-pollutant properties, and habitat for birds and other creatures. Asshole. Here in California we’re losing millions of our beautiful trees to drought, and to see a moron cut down such a gorgeous, healthy specimen truly feels really close to murder….

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    The only school that should be allowed to sacrifice trees is Stanford

    • yyyaz

      Don’t tell the Aggies.

  • Objectifer
  • VagendaofNastyWoman

    Sometimes trees need to be cut down because they are diseased. There could be no greater love offering to Trumps diseased soul than to give him a sick, dead tree. That would have been more appropriate.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Beautiful. That tree was wonderful, just wonderful. The way it sat up there that way. Bigly. That was the best- it was almost like Ivanka bending over if you know what I mean. Tremendous!

  • Serai 1

    Jesus Christ, asshole, it’s not about “concerns about trees”. It’s about you STEALING FROM THE PUBLIC by cutting down a tree THAT BELONGS TO THEM. What is it with these wingnuts who think they just OWN everything that’s public property?

    • VagendaofNastyWoman

      There is no more public property. You didn’t get the memo?

      • HooverVilles

        The commons are rapidly disappearing.
        The GOTP mantra is privatize privatize privatize.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Speaking of Russians, what distinguished the Czar of all the Russians from the other crowned heads of Europe, is that the others all signed a paper that limited their powers. The czar was an autocrat. He treated Russia, and everything and everyone in it, as his personal property. He was the only free man in Russia.

        • VagendaofNastyWoman

          Sow the storm, reap the whirlwind blah blah blah…..

        • (((fka_donnie_d)))

          And people wonder why the fuck after the Czars and the Commies we ended up with Vlad the Embezzler (for lack of a better epithet). We ended up with Vlad the Embezzeler BECAUSE OF the Czars and the Commies, dummy. After four hundred years of this bullshit people simply don’t know any better. Kinda like China, only different.

      • ryp

        Public property is theft.

    • Ricks CatCafe de la Resistance

      They are what we call “stupid.” They are completely disconnected from their own environment. They also seem to have almost zero cognitive skills. It is their lizard brains making the decisions, although, frankly, their lizard brains probably have more respect for giant trees.

  • The Rain in Spain’s Therapist

    You got a little Trump clam chowder on your lip there, Coop.

    • Rose McFrog

      Eww…

  • azeyote

    the old KKK rallies get a make over –

  • Jo Mathie

    I know it’s wrong, but my first thought at looking at that photo was “I wonder if that tree will fall down and squash those people because it sort of looks like it wants too). (Squashed in a non-lethal, but symbolic way).

    • Rose McFrog

      Exactly what I thought!

  • SDGeoff 2.0

    Always sorry after the fact.

    • HooverVilles

      Many are not even sorry after the fact as they have a get out of hell free belief in Jeebus card.

      • Ricks CatCafe de la Resistance

        Most of them are complete fucking idiots who have no respect whatsoever of the environment they actually are part of, and have no sense of what trees provide and the way in which they’re a necessary part of the ecosystem. Actually, trees are a necessary part of the ecosystem, and they are not.

  • Beowoof14

    The only way I could support cutting this tree down is if Trump was going to be the Demon on the top the tree. With a deep insertion to make sure it doesn’t come out.

  • Mavenmaven

    This is a warm up for acts of violence once Trump really takes power.

  • Jay Dee

    A perfect metaphor of T***p zeal gone awry. These tools can’t be sensitive to trees. There’s no way you’ll catch them being sensitive to POC, women, LGBTQ, immigrants. That’s us they chopped down and strung up for their supreme leader.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Once you start thinking that you can take whatever you want, above or under the ground, from public lands, this is just the next logical step.

  • Mavenmaven

    WTF?

    State Pledged to Voted for
    Texas Trump Ron Paul
    Texas Trump John Kasich
    Washington Clinton Colin Powell
    Washington Clinton Colin Powell
    Washington Clinton Colin Powell
    Washington Clinton Faith Spotted Eagle

    • Historicat

      Glad to see that the Best and Brightest are involved with the EC.

  • Reality Kills

    How do you spend $1T in infrastructure, cut taxes, don’t touch SS, ramp up defense spending, and cut the debt all at the same time? … Did they pick Chris Angel as president?

  • therblig

    I hope fir tree will remember
    a southern man don’t need him around

  • therblig

    i think that i will never see
    a douche as big as donnie t

  • SDGeoff 2.0

    Oh I get it. He is auditioning for Secretary of the Interior in the Neues Reich.

  • Panika MCD

    1) they’s gonna havta redub that park “Public UnSafety Memorial Park” now cause that fucker could have fallen on someone.

    2) is it just me, or does that crowd look very…orange? it seems they even spraytanned themselves in his image.

  • The Librarian

    A Tree Grew in Alabammy

    (Apologies to Betty Smith)

    • Rose McFrog

      First big book w/o pictures I ever read! Betty Smith’s tree was a ailanthus altissimain. A fast growing, worthless, trash tree. We always called them stink trees because they stunk to high heaven. Perfect metaphor for Trump. He’s certainly no cedar of Lebanon!

      • Mintie

        I had to look that tree up, and am amused that the Chinese name for it basically translates to “stinky tree,” but the “official” English name is “Tree of Heaven.”

  • DahBoner

    It was Trump’s standard stump speech 😀
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/gsrHy4xtLtswE/200_d.gif#5

    • wavicles

      Ima gonna go out on a limb and say it was all bark, no bite.

      • Vecchiojohn

        I’d as leaf stay out of this, so I’m just going to smoke a bole.

        • Oblios_Cap

          I’m pining for the fiords.

    • Bub the Hoohah! loving Zombie

      Where the hell is my stump-grinder?

  • TundraGrifter

    And who paid the city workers who cut that tree down and transported it to the stadium and put it up and then took it down again?

    And why are good Christians worshiping a pagan fertility symbol while the Winter Solstice approaches?

    • Ricks CatCafe de la Resistance

      For the same reason they get all excited about eggs and rabbits around “Oestrus” time, I mean Easter?

    • Joseph Stans

      Well, they killed thier God last year and he is reluctant to go another round. Who can blame him?

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    “Theres unrest in the forest, theres trouble with the trees”

    • Vecchiojohn

      Are they the wrong height?

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        It involves oaks and maples and sunlight

        • SeeTrain65

          The Maples formed a union, and the Oaks shipped their sap overseas.

    • Vel Venturi

      Paging Treebeard.

    • RMGosselin

      “There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery.”

  • Zyxomma

    A beautiful tree, known affectionately as twisty-tree because of its shape, was murdered in Tompkins Square Park last year. Reverend Billy held a service for it.

  • Left Coast Tom

    Aside from the fact that Mobile’s taxpayers really shouldn’t have paid anything to support a partisan political activity…the election may be over but l’il Donnie is still campaigning…

    1) If Mobile really needed a tree for this absurd waste of taxpayer money, couldn’t they have just held an outdoor event and decorated a live tree?

    2) Nobody in their right mind would have thought that cutting down a tree in a city park for some one-off event would be OK, if this asshole isn’t fired it’s on the city.

    • Carpe Vagenda

      Mt husband is a forester, and he just assumed that the guy was immediately fored, because the replacement cost and fine for cutting down a tree that size is huge.

    • Old Man Yells at Cloud

      I expect Lil’Donnie won’t stop campaigning. He loves the ego blow jobs from the mouth breathers and he needs to keep the mouth breathers fired up.

  • pianoplayer1

    I live in Mobile County. Idiot Mobile mayor. Mobile is a lovely city. If only we could move past 1860.

  • pianoplayer1

    I live in Mobile County. Stupid Mobile mayor. Mobile is a lovely city. If only we could move past 1860. Plus, that tree looks like my Labradoodle decorated it.

  • Incoming Ham

    What has Trump Made In The USA thus far?

    • ryp

      A big fucking mess.

      • Helene Logan

        SEE? HE’S ALREADY GETTING THINGS DUN!!!1!!11!!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Someone should put a plaque next to the stump saying it’s the Bull Connor Memorial Tree — then he’d probably issue a sincere apology.

  • reelreeler

    Until Trump receives assurance from Putin that the scoreboards are under Russian control they must be hidden from view with stolen trees.

  • theblackdog
    • ThaagNasty

      Kind of the first thing that came to mind when I saw the headline.

      • theblackdog

        I’m glad I wasn’t the only one.

  • Don Gwinn

    He’s sorry people are so sensitive. That’s nice.

  • Laffing Crow

    Why are they spending local tax dollars and infrastructure on YAMUS-E? These rallies are just the ego massaging whims of a private citizen. Tell the billionaire to set dress his own knob-polishing sessions for the next month.

  • Shoto

    Important news article on “How to Fix: Crepey Skin” posted directly above photo of enthusiastic, Orange Leader Worshiping US Americans.

    Coincidence? We report, you decide.

    • ThaagNasty

      Yes but his face is all peau d’orange. And orange.

      • Mintie

        Seriously, though. With all that money, you’d think he could spend a weekend in South Korea and get that fixed.

        • ThaagNasty

          He doesn’t need it fixed. What’s there to fix? He’s the best looking guy on the planet. He’s perfect. Even Doktor Ooze said so. Maybe not on the air, but when the cameras were off, you know, believe me, Ooze told him how manly and handsome he was and just to keep up what he was doing.

  • RMGosselin

    “Sycophant: from Middle French sycophante and directly from Latin sycophanta, from Greek sykophantes ‘false accuser, slanderer,’ literally ‘one who shows the fig.'” (Online Etymological Dictionary.) Or, in Cooper’s case, the cedar. Couldn’t he have just bought Trump a new wallet or something?

    • Mintie

      Not phallic enough.

      • Diamond-CherryBlossom-Song

        I doth thinks that our friend thought that tree is how big Trump’s dick is.

  • St. Bernard

    “Murder” is a word we sane people reserve for human beings, not trees, but it’s nice to know that America’s Liberal Christians will be using 100% fake Christmas trees this holiday season. It would be such a shame to cut down a crop grown specifically for that purpose.

    • Amanda Panda

      this was a tree in a public park, not a xmas tree grown on a farm for this purpose, but thanks for playing.

    • HazooToo

      Yay, fuck off!

    • Diamond-CherryBlossom-Song

      “as when a man goes into the forest with his friend to cut wood, and his hand swings the axe to cut down the tree, and the iron head slips off the handle and strikes his friend so that he dies–he may flee to one of these cities and live;” – Deuteronomy 19:5
      See God. Might kill your friend if you cut down your friend. So kiddies have learned? That God will likely kill your friends if you harm a tree.

  • Mintie

    The idiot probably doesn’t realize that he actually committed a crime, if Mobile’s Public Spaces regulations are anything like the rest of the country (i.e. it’s illegal to cut down a tree in a public/city-owned space without a permit, which tend to be given out only to professional landscapers, which I’m betting the dickhead isn’t).

    • roberteye

      Total sarcasm in the asshat “chief of states” response, you know about all this “tree concern”. We could’ve let ‘bammy go in the troubles of 1861 but nooooo, Lincoln had other ideas.

  • St. Bernard

    I’ve always wondered what kind of emotional cripples read Wonkette. Now I know.

    • Choo Choo

      You don’t get it, you won’t get it, please go away.

      • roberteye

        Gone away as if by order.

  • empclsr

    my lawd! chopping down trees for the exalted one, where’s the frankincense and myrhh? For these people he is the 2nd coming! Hallelujah!
    P.S.
    Evan I love you and have a Merry Christmas or whatevs Wonkettes!!

  • roberteye

    #madeinAmerica – except for Ivanka’s shoes, which will be made in Ethiopia. And presumably the China company, International Cheap Azz Crap, LLC will continue to churn out Trump neckties along with toilet-themed novelty souvenirs.

  • Diamond-CherryBlossom-Song

    And the three idiot fools shall bring the new idiot lord three gifts.
    First an army of blind fool followers.
    Second an undeserved rise to rulership.
    And third a very large tree.

  • Diamond-CherryBlossom-Song

    And the three idiot fools shall bring the new idiot lord three gifts.
    First an army of blind fool followers.
    Second an undeserved rise to rulership.
    And third a very large tree.

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