Anthony Weiner's Dick Explodes All Over Hillary Clinton's Emails

The devil we guess.

Ever since news broke Friday afternoon that FBI Director James Comey had "found" some new "stuff" that's maybe "related to" the investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails, journalists and normal people and even some Republicans have been collectively asking, "What in the actual fuck is going on here?" In Comey's vague letter, released while Hillary Clinton was in the air without Wi-Fi (what is this, the Dinosaur Times?), he said he didn't even know if this stuff would be big and important, and he didn't know how long the investigation would take, but he was JUST SAYING, right here, eleven (11) days before the election, that "VAGUE NEWS HILLARY EMAILS GRRR ARGH."

We can now tell you that, according to the New York Times , the "unrelated investigation" where they found the new shit is an investigation into Anthony Weiner's sexting. WHY THE HELL IS THE FBI INVESTIGATING ANTHONY WEINER'S DICK? Oh, because he was sexting with a 15-year-old girl. We had been trying to repress all memories about Anthony Weiner's dick, our bad. And Weiner is still technically married to Huma Abedin, Hillary's lady best friend lover adviser, so there's your connection.

The Clinton campaign has now released a statement:

In case you cannot read the statement, the summary is the FBI already said Hillz ain't did shit wrong, that Comey said "it was not even a close call," and that "It is extraordinary that we would see something like this just 11 days out from a presidential election." It continues:

The Director owes it to the American people to immediately provide the full details of what he is now examining. We are confident this will not produce any conclusions different from the one the FBI reached in July.

In other words, PICS OR STEP THE FUCK OFF, James Comey, you politics-playing dickwad.

Seriously, what the hell? What on earth could the FBI have found in Anthony Weiner's sexxxphone that is relevant to the Hillary email non-troversy that it needs to be Cocktober Surprised into this presidential election? Let's look at some journalists on Twitter trying to figure all this out. Oh lookie, it's Sam Stein from the Huffington Post, noting that NBC's Pete Williams has found out from his sources that these aren't even emails FROM Hillary, they're not John Podesta emails, it has nothing to do with Hillary's people withholding emails, and also it's probably a big nothingburger. Let's all panic!

Well, that clears it all up! We're dealing with THREE EMAILS, according to the FBI! We're so glad Director Comey decided to drop this turd on our Friday!

("Motherfucking monster piece of shit son of a bitching bastard!" adds Editrix Rebecca in the Wonket Seekrit Chatcave, about Anthony Weiner and his underage girl-sexting dick.)

Republican conservative Trump-hating Washington Post lady Jennifer Rubin says we should listen to Pete Williams, because he is very good at his job:

OOH SHE BURNED JIM COMEY AND CALLED HIM A DUMB!

Even "Morning Mika" host Joe Scarborough is like WTF:

FOR REALS THOUGH! Scarborough's MSNBC colleague, legal analyst Ari Melber, gives context for whether Comey actually needed to do this, regardless of what new information the FBI director found behind his couch:

But maybe Comey is just trying to cover his ass or something. Lots ofpeoplewingnuts have been yelling about how the original FBI investigation of Hillz's emails was #rigged to let Hillary The Email Devil remain free, even though she should be obviously tried for treason (or something). Some have suggested MAYBE Comey just wanted everybody to know he's definitely doin' some investigatin', so when Hillary is still elected president of the United States, nobody'll be able to finger him and say, "That sheriff wasn't doin' his investigatin' like he was supposed to!" Maybe that is it. Or maybe he's trying to fuck with the election like a common Russian.

Now, obviously there are certain Republicans doing cartwheels and trust-falls and reacharounds in reaction to this news, but some GOP folks are actually scratching their butts and their heads, just like the rest of us. Like Senator John Cornyn (R-TX), who is very curious as to what the fuck, bro?

Let's see what wingnut writer John Podhoretz has to say, because he's always the first source we like to go to here at Wonkette:

HAHAHAHA, that would be so bad if Hillz did that! She probably wouldn't though.

You know what? We can post tweet-storms at you all day -- Paul Krugman's is pretty epic, and former Justice Department spokesdude Matthew Miller's rant about how bad James Comey is at his job is BAD. ASS. -- but we don't fuckin' wanna .

So let's sum up with what we know, and when we know it, which is now.

• It is a Cocktober Surprise.

• James Comey wrote a letter to Congress that said "HILLARY EMAILS BLANK BLANK BLANK DUNNO, DON'T YOU WISH YOU KNEW THE SURPRISE?"

• Hillary's campaign says "PFFFFFFFT!"

• Comey knew the "unrelated investigation" was about Anthony Weiner's gross dick, but he didn't mention that in his letter, because DUNNO! Something tells us this might not be such a big OMG BREAKING NEWS!!!! moment if he had deigned to mention it in the first place.

• James Comey is either real dumb or he's playing politics, or maybe he's sitting on #thesmokinggun that proves Hillary Clinton is evil incarnate, which is three emails sitting on Anthony Perv-hole's Weinerphone.

• Seriously, what the hell is Jim Comey trying to pull here?

• Wonkette actually laughed at a John Podhoretz tweet.

• Gah we dunno, fuck this.

That's right, we said fuck this.

THE END.