Ecuador Grounds Julian Assange From Internet For Being Raging Douchewhistle

He's been idle on AOL Instant Messenger for so many days now!

One of the funnier stories this week has been that SOMEBODY cut off WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange's internet privileges at the Ecuadorean embassy in London, where he's been holed up forever trying to skate on a rape charge from Sweden. This happened RIGHT during WikiLeaks's campaign to influence the American election (most likely at Russia's behest) by leaking thousands of emails to and from Hillary Clinton's campaign chair John Podesta. But who had done it? Who changed the embassy's WiFi password from "IHateHillaryClintonAndMaybeI'mARapistAlsoToo" to something different, like "FuckJulianAssange666"? Who took the TV out of Assange's bedroom and said he can't go to senior prom either? Was it U.S. American Secretary of State John Kerry? Did Hillary Clinton personally do Vince Foster Benghazi to Assange's AOL account?

Nah, it was none of that, it was Ecuador. Wonder what sort of message they're sending here, huh! Here's Ecuador's statement about why old Rape-Van McPrinciples can't watch cat videos on YouTube right now:

Click to embiggen, of course, but here is the pertinent part:

The Government of Ecuador respects the principle of non-intervention in the internal affairs of other states. It does not interfere in external electoral processes, nor does it favor any particular candidate.

Accordingly, Ecuador has exercised its sovereign right to temporarily restrict access to some of its private communications network within its Embassy in the United Kingdom. This temporary restriction does not prevent the WikiLeaks organization from carrying out its journalistic activities.

WikiLeaks "confirmed" Ecuador had did it on Monday, but it's best not to just take what WikiLeaks says at face value until you get confirmation. WikiLeaks alsotweeted Tuesday that its "sources" say John Kerry asked the country to kick Assange in the nuts. The State Department says, "Nah, bro, Kerry didn't do that, maybe Ecuador just thinks you're rapey, a little bit big for your britches, exorbitantly naïve about how the world works, and also they hate you." (Not the exact words the State Department's spokesperson said.) More from Ecuador's statement:

Ecuador's foreign policy responds to sovereign decisions alone and does not yield to pressure from other states.

HMMMM, wonder who is lying and who's telling the truth! Did Ecuador do this by theirselves, or did they respond to pressure from U.S. America? Wonkette's journalism answer to that question is WHO FUCKING CARES?

Maybe Ecuador decided it would rather be friends with America, than with a little (allegedly!) rapey thug like Assange. Maybe John Kerry put Ecuador in a headlock and threatened to smother it with all his wife's Heinz ketchup if it didn't cut off Assange's internets. Maybe it has something to do with this weird conspiracy thingie out there about how Assange is being FRAMED! with allegations that, on top of the rape charge, he's a big old pedophile.

Wonkette just checked with our sources, and decided the answer is still LONG HAIR DON'T CARE.

Maybe Julian Assange can use the time while he's locked in his bedroom without internet to think about what he's done, learn his lesson, and the second he gets intertubes back, delete his damn account.

[ Boston Globe ]