Donald Trump's Debate Performance Didn't Really Grab Us By The Pussy

There's a strange man next to you, Hillary.

Well! Many things happened during Sunday night's NSFW second presidential debate, but the moment we were all waiting for came right at the beginning, when moderator Anderson Cooper asked Donald Trump to respond to leaked tape showing him trying to impress Billy Bush by bragging about how he gets to sexually assault women because he's a star. Cooper wanted to know if Trump actually understands he was bragging about sexual assault, or whether he is just rapey. Guess which one it is, guess which one!

TRUMP: No, I didn’t say that at all. I don’t think you understood what was — this was locker room talk. I’m not proud of it. I apologize to my family. I apologize to the American people. Certainly I’m not proud of it. But this is locker room talk.

Dumb gay Anderson Cooper doesn't even know all the cool kids are talking about grabbing women by the pussy against their will. Trump expanded on his logic by immediately talking about how we shouldn't even be talking about this, because ISIS:

You know, when we have a world where you have ISIS chopping off heads, where you have — and, frankly, drowning people in steel cages, where you have wars and horrible, horrible sights all over, where you have so many bad things happening, this is like medieval times. We haven’t seen anything like this, the carnage all over the world.

And they look and they see. Can you imagine the people that are, frankly, doing so well against us with ISIS? And they look at our country and they see what’s going on.

Yes, I’m very embarrassed by it. I hate it. But it’s locker room talk, and it’s one of those things. I will knock the hell out of ISIS.

He will grab ISIS by the pussy and take it out to buy furniture.

After Trump rambled about ISIS a minute longer, Cooper tried to clarify whether Trump ACTUALLY grabbed them by the pussy, or whether he was just saying lies because he's an insecure man who may or may not actually be capable of traditional sexual intercourse. The response:

I have great respect for women. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

Well, we certainly hope that's not true. Oh wait, he said more:

And women have respect for me. And I will tell you: No, I have not. And I will tell you that I’m going to make our country safe. We’re going to have borders in our country, which we don’t have now. People are pouring into our country, and they’re coming in from the Middle East and other places.

We’re going to make America safe again. We’re going to make America great again, but we’re going to make America safe again.

Glad to know women give him the proper respect also too, and that he's going to make America safe again. Wouldn't want somebody to grab America on its Down Theres when we're not paying attention!

Once that was settled, it was Hillary Clinton's turn, and holy bejesus, she was remarkable. Her tone was calm, assuring, and full of gravitas, like a caring mom trying to delicately explain to her broken-hearted children that Santa did 9/11, and is also a vegan, but that there is a better way for America. It was DEADLY serious, and, unlike the incoherent mouth spew emanating from Trump's mouth, it had the benefit of being true. Here is her entire answer, and also a video, because you should WATCH IT. If you've already seen it, WATCH IT AGAIN (skip to 8: 45):

Well, like everyone else, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking over the last 48 hours about what we heard and saw. You know, with prior Republican nominees for president, I disagreed with them on politics, policies, principles, but I never questioned their fitness to serve.

Donald Trump is different. I said starting back in June that he was not fit to be president and commander-in-chief. And many Republicans and independents have said the same thing. What we all saw and heard on Friday was Donald talking about women, what he thinks about women, what he does to women. And he has said that the video doesn’t represent who he is.

But I think it’s clear to anyone who heard it that it represents exactly who he is. Because we’ve seen this throughout the campaign. We have seen him insult women. We’ve seen him rate women on their appearance, ranking them from one to ten. We’ve seen him embarrass women on TV and on Twitter. We saw him after the first debate spend nearly a week denigrating a former Miss Universe in the harshest, most personal terms.

So, yes, this is who Donald Trump is. But it’s not only women, and it’s not only this video that raises questions about his fitness to be our president, because he has also targeted immigrants, African-Americans, Latinos, people with disabilities, POWs, Muslims, and so many others.

So this is who Donald Trump is. And the question for us, the question our country must answer is that this is not who we are. That’s why — to go back to your question — I want to send a message — we all should — to every boy and girl and, indeed, to the entire world that America already is great, but we are great because we are good, and we will respect one another, and we will work with one another, and we will celebrate our diversity.

These are very important values to me, because this is the America that I know and love. And I can pledge to you tonight that this is the America that I will serve if I’m so fortunate enough to become your president.

After all that, Trump rebutted with some nonsense on how Hillary's just sayin' a bunch of words about his own pussy-grabbin' words, whereas Bill Clinton is the real rapist BLAH BLAH BLAH et cetera also too. It kinda fell flat, honestly. Who knew Breitbart conspiracy theories from the fever swamps of the internet wouldn't work good as debate #Zingers?

(Everyone knew, except Donald Trump and his racist dipshit campaign strategists, that's who.)

Anyway, Hillary is good, Trump is bad, can we just go ahead and skip ahead to November 9 now?

[debate transcript via   Fortune ]