Come Play Wonkette's National Enquirer Debate Liveblog Drinking Game, And Die As Dead As Vince Foster!

The rules for tonight's Wonkette Debate Liveblog Drinking Game have been brought to you by this National Enquirer I just bought. Each time Donald Trump does one of the 10 elements of Donald Trump's Top Secret Plan To Win The Debate, as presented by this National Enquirer I just bought, you will drink. THEN WE WILL ALL DIE OF ALCOHOL POISON. But before we do that, we should inform you that also according to this National Enquirer I just bought, Bill Clinton's stepsister's son was super into the Klan before he died 10 years ago, and this makes Hillary Clinton -- who, according to the National Enquirer, never met Bill Clinton's stepsister's son -- a hypocrite. For thinking racism is bad.

The more you know!

Now onto Donald Trump's Top Secret Plan To Win The Debate, as presented by the National Enquirer; don't forget to drink for each one, if you would like to kickstart your need for AA:

1. Prove President Barack Obama despises her.Leaked emails from his Russian pals, obvs.

2. Show how she sold out the U.S. to Vladimir Putin.The psychiatrists on this same spread who say there is a SECRET PSYCH REPORT that proves HILLARY'S INSANE would probably call this "projection," if they in fact existed.

3. Expose her health secrets!Yes, we know, Down syndrome and also she's INSANE!

4. Demonstrate Clinton Foundation fraud!For Donald Trump, that would be a trick!

5. Reveal Bill's shameful sexual exploits!For the people in Uganda who haven't heard them yet. Oh, the Ugandans all have? Okay, in Utero.

6. Expose the Benghazi cover-up!"'Trump will reveal how Hillary ignored warnings about the impending attack that led to the death of four Americans -- then lied about it,' said one top operative." OH MY GOD. HAS ANYONE TOLD CONGRESS????

7. Reveal Bill's secret love child!Hey, it worked for George W. Bush vs. John McCain in South Carolina!

8. Expose the Clinton intimidation machine!Boring.

9. Shed light on the murky death of Vince Foster!I guess his Hawaiian Obama birth certificate investigators have some time on their hands.

10. Reveal what Human Abedin is hiding!As long as it's not Anthony Weiner's dick, because that's been off the downlow for years.

And there you have it! Thanks National Enquirer, we will wait for Donald Trump to do all those things but we will already be MURRRRDERRRED.

9: 05 PM: AND WE BEGIN! Donald comes out in "gracious, mellow Donald" blue tie. Hillary comes out in I WILL EAT YOUR LIVER red.

9: 10 PM: Donald Trump has Hillary Disease! (That is where you go on and on with too many details about all the things you want to pack into a thought.) He has studied up on this plant! In Indiana or something! But he has not yet snarled at her or done any of the things on the Enquirer's list. Somebody fling some poo, please. The American people have Expectations.

9: 12 PM: Well, looks like Hillary already managed to bait Trump, by mentioning his "small" $14 million stake from his papa. Yes yes, it was very small, and he is worth very much more now though. And China, did you know the currency is manipulated? He would be very much richer if not for that.

Somewhere in his ramble about "defective" trade agreements, he pauses to ask if he may call her "Secretary Clinton." Yes, he may, since that is her proper title. GOOD JOB DONALD! Really, good for you! Way to not call her Hillz or Old Lady or Crooked Dying Person Clinton.

9: 18 PM: There's a lot of back and forth already -- Donald interjects when he disagrees, and Hillz steamrolls over it -- but her energy is up and she's bringing up quick, pertinent points about YO THE ECONOMY BREAKS UNDER REPUBLICANS. I honestly have no idea what he's talking about, because he rambles too much. But here: "You've been doing this for 30 years. Haven't you thought of a solution to the economy or whatever?" (That is not a direct quote, because the boys in the chatcave are all DYING OF CONSUMPTION.) And she breaks into a big pretty smile: "Actually, the economy was pretty good under my husband." But Trump is filibustering, and people will probably believe him because there were very many words.

9: 22 PM: Donald Trump: "IS IT PRESIDENT OBAMA'S FAULT? IS IT PRESIDENT OBAMA'S FAULT?!?" Objection, HARANGUING THE WITNESS.

9: 24 PM: Has anyone looked up the rules for this? Is Donald Trump allowed to just yell over her the entire time? She is going to punch him in the face right now. Instead, she tells people "oh go to my website for a fact-check." Hillz >:[

9: 29 PM: Hillz is PISSED, Trump is filibustering, she FINALLY gets two minutes, he shouts over her more, she suggests they restart her timeclock and starts talking about corporate tax rates. She calls his tax plan a Trump Loophole and he DEMANDS to know WHO SAID THAT? WHO CALLED IT THAT? He can't stop jumping in for ten fucking seconds. This is a fiasco.

9: 32 PM: Oh, this is fun! Earlier, Hillary said Donald Trump said global warming was a Chinese hoax. NO I DIDN'T! I NEVER SAID THAT! he shouted over her. There you go.

9: 36 PM: Now Hillary is on Donald Trump's tax returns, and what he is hiding. Now he will just say "CLINTON FOUNDATION" and "EMAILS" (drink and drink) and we will all die.

9: 37 PM: Oh, I was wrong! Not about the EMAILS (he already said it, drink again), but he isn't going after the Clinton Foundation. Instead, he really really really needs you all to know, he is indeed a very successful businessman, very underleveraged, very successful, he does not say that to be braggadocius, he just wanted to say "hey."

He talks about how much money the US has squandered, and Hillary butts in that it might help if he paid any federal income taxes. "It would be squandered too," he says, subjunctive-conditionally, because he never pays any taxes. Or, HEY HILLZ! any of his contractors either!

"Maybe he didn't do a good job," Trump says, of whichever poor guy he didn't pay that day. Which seems to not be the case so much as a terminal case of I Got Mine Fuck You So Sue Me. 

Now Hillary says Donald Trump suggested not paying the US's bills. "WRONG," he intones. Which is a lie, so let's all get blotto.

9: 44 PM: Donald Trump winds down talking about how awesome he and his businesses are, so Lester Holt decides to ask a question. Wouldn't have wanted to interrupt the great man! The question is about cops and race and Black Lives Matter. Hillary talks about restoring trust between communities and police; making sure police have great training; and making sure they don't just excessive force everyone in their paths. I do not think I want to hear Donald Trump's answer.

9: 49 PM: Donald Trump just BARELY stopped himself from calling for gun control, discussing the epidemic of gun deaths in Chicago. Instead, he managed to remember he was calling for " stop and frisk " instead of gun-grabbing.

9: 52 PM: And a terrible answer from Hillary Clinton. Donald Trump is talking about saving African Americans from being murdered by gun violence and Hillz is like "why so negative?" Then she goes on to many long words about gun-grabbing. Which -- hey, WE agree, but a lot of the country not that much!

9: 55 PM: And Donald Trump comes in with the Donald we haven't met before: Sensible Donald. "I agree" that people on the no-fly list shouldn't have access to guns, despite the GOP's buttheadedness on the issue. Then he hits Hillary on "superpredators," which is an odd complaint from the guy who wanted to execute the Central Park Five even though they'd been exonerated. Oh well!

10: 00 PM: Donald Trump: I didn't do the birth certificate, Hillary Clinton did the birth certificate, I want to change the subject to ISIS, and I can't even admit I was wrong about the thing I already said I was wrong about. Shut the fuck up, Donald Trump.

Meanwhile, Hillary had a nice zing about how "I think preparing for the debate was a GOOD thing. And I've prepared to be president too also!" but I am too demoralized to even care now. This is a fiasco like Andrew Sullivan thought that one Obama debate was.

10: 04 PM: Hillary brings up Donald Trump's Justice Department lawsuit for refusing to rent to blacks. Trump calls her "holier than thou." As for that lawsuit, as a young man ... oh my god, is Donald Trump about to admit a fault? No. They settled with zero admission of guilt. So there you go. Also, his club/house he lives in, Mar a Lago, does not discriminate. (This is true! Old Money Palm Beach wouldn't join, so they were like, yo, rich Jews and rich blacks? Come on in!) He is SO PROUD that he owns one business that lets anyone join if they've got a hundred grand deposit.

10: 09 PM: And a question about cybersecurity comes up. That's weird. We thought the question would be about Obama's college records for sure.

Donald Trump says hey, we are not even sure the DNC hack is Russia! It could be China! It could be this guy!

We are on ISIS now, I don't care. Oh, here is Iraq, yay! Donald Trump says he was against it, Hillary Clinton says he was for it, WRONG he gongs at her, but she was not wrong, but you knew that. The real Iraq War proponent was ... BARACK OBAMA!!! ) Now she is explaining how diplomacy works. She sounds more confident and less fucking longwinded.

Donald Trump would like some credit for making NATO care about terrorism, because Belgium would have forgotten to do that if he hadn't reminded them.

10: 20 PM: For all the chest-beating about whether moderators should fact-check, Lester Holt just ENRAGED Donald Trump by saying "the record shows otherwise" about Trump's supposed lack of support for the Iraq War. Donald Trump is as mad as those fake liberal website headlines are always claiming he is. He is fucking furious. Nice going, Lester Holt.

Also, Donald Trump, spittle flying, says he has both better judgment and a better temperament than Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton laughs in his face. But then she moves on to actually answering a question, which is so lame.

Here is the little shimmy Hillary Clinton did before, about her lousy temperament. Why is nobody pointing out this is obviously Parkinson's?

Do a little dance ?? #debatenight   pic.twitter.com/FnJVOKVgbl 

— New York Post (@nypost) September 27, 2016