Wonkagenda: September 14, 2016

Don't miss a single thrilling moment!

Morning, Wonkers! Did you realize that gas is $2 a gallon? Thanks, Obama! Here's some of the deplorable dick jokes yr Wonkette may be putting in baskets today.

• Donald Trump's daughter bitched and moaned until her daddy made a child care policy, and then they bitched and moaned together about how Hillary Clinton doesn't have a health care policy -- except she does, and it's twice as gooder.

• Colin Powell has a bit of an email problem now that someone (ALLEGEDLY Russia) Benghazi'd his emails and revealed how he and Condi Rice think the Benghazi hearings were a "witch hunt," B) he calledDonald Trump "a national disgrace," C) he also calledDonald Rumsfeld "brain dead." 

• The same group of ALLEGEDLY Russian hackers has also released more DNC documents that include Tim Kaine's cell phone number, and the 2010 DNC holiday card list because they're super serious scary hackers.

• Oh, and those ALLEGEDLY Russian hackers ALSO broke into the World Anti-Doping Agency and released the medical records of Olympian Simone Biles. 

• A Trump presidency would be among the most ethically complicated in history because of his sketchy business ties to private (and even criminal) enterprises, and numerous foreign governments. It's OK though because they all say nice things about him.

•  New York's Attorney General wants to make absolutely, 100% sure the Donald J. Trump Foundation's ALLEGEDLY illegal political contributions are in compliance with New York's charity laws.

•  Mike Pence went to Washington to say that Hillary Clinton was deplorable for calling Trumpkins deplorable, but all the other Congress critters were busy in meetings, or washing their hair, or already hanging out with their girlfriends.

•  House Democrats may cause some more good trouble and stage another sit-in if there isn't decent gun control bill.

•  Donald Trump will go on a dumb daytime teevee show to release the fake results of his fake physical to a fake teeve doctor.

•  Steven Segal may FINALLY fuck off and become a Russian citizen. No, really!

•  Former Gawker staffers aren't very happy with Univision now that their new owner wants to delete old Gawker posts.

• If she's ever released from the U.S. Disciplinary Barracks at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, Chelsea Manning will not be allowed use bathrooms in North Carolina because the Army has agreed to allow her to receive gender-affirming surgery. 

• GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! Carla Hayden will become the first African-American and first woman to head the Library of Congress. WOO!

• And here's your morning Nice Time -- Clouded Leopards! Prepare your heart strings!