DRUDGE BONERS AND WINGNUT SIRENS!!!1!!!! There is a brand new scoop of scandal on Internet, and it is that the president of America, Barry Gay-slamic Usurper O’Bamistan is in Laos right now, and he is NOT WEARING HIS WEDDING RING. Why why why why why?! Is the president divorcing Michelle Obama to get gay-married to the southeast Asian nation of Laos? Why would he do Michelle like that?
Wingnut intertubes sites need to know. Dumbfuck Drudge links to a thingie from the unhinged looney tunes website The American Mirror, which posted the picture above in that JUST SAYING style, so its brain-damaged commenters could say hilarious things like “The charade is nearly over. We have always known O’s preference is NOT women.” Or how about, “Michael is going to be upset when he/she finds out. Wonder if obama’s [sic] new library is gonna have a bathouse [sic] so he can go back to his old lifestyle?” Obama’s old lifestyle is LURING BATS?
The American Mirror linked to another paragon of journalism, the Washington Free Beacon, reporting last year that Obama didn’t wear his wedding ring this one time, and also some other times, probably because he left it in the “bathouse” again.
We would like to help these poor souls out, so they can go back to their Very Important Lives, which probably involve stuffing their arsenals of weapons into their anal cavities so that tyrant Obama can’t grab them, so we have come up with some reasons why Obama might not be wearing his wedding ring in Laos right now:
- Do we not all remember how Obama’s wedding ring is covered in secret Islamic messages? IT IS TOO A THING, WorldNetDaily reported it. Obama probably took off his ring because Laos is a Buddhist nation, and Obama respects all religions, as long as they aren’t about Jesus.
- Do we not all remember that Obama secretly is gay married to a gay Pakistani? IT IS TOO A THING, WorldNetDaily reported it. He probably took off his ring in Laos, because he’s meeting with his gay Muslim husband during this trip abroad, for boning.
- Do we not all remember how Obama was ALSO secretly married, on top of his gay Pakistani marriage, while he was in college? IT IS TOO A THING, WorldNetDaily reported it. Obama probably had a tantrum on Air Force One on the way to Laos, like “OMG I AM SECRETLY GAY MARRIED TO TOO MANY LADIES AND MEN, FUCK ALL THESE FUCKING WEDDING RINGS,” and then he threw them out of the airplane.
- Maybe he wants to finger-sex the townspeople while he’s on his visit, and doesn’t want to chafe, because he’s a considerate, modern man who thinks about such things. (Obama would NEVER FINGER-SEX THE TOWNSPEOPLE, but if he did, he wouldn’t chafe.)
- Maybe Obama wants a little strange on his trip, and he took off his wedding ring because he didn’t want any of the ladies in Laos to know the leader of the free world is married. That’s right, it’s INCOGNITO Obama, pretending to be single and hoping nobody notices who he really is! (He would NEVER DO THAT EITHER. For one, he is a good, loving and faithful husband. For two, Michelle would kill him dead.)
- Have you ever considered that maybe Obama is just one of those people whose fingers don’t feel comfortable wearing rings, so maybe he wears his real wedding ring, his true symbol of marital devotion to Michelle, ON HIS COCK? Bet you didn’t think of that.
Anyway, the obvious answer is the last one, so sleep tight, wingnuts, secure in the knowledge that your president probably has a gigantic wedding cock ring with Islamic-ese words written on it, which he wears on his dick, which is bigger than yours.