SHARE

Why would anyone doubt this man?

Alex Jones, a man who believes the government is putting chemicals in juice boxes to turn kids gay, has announced that he is now personally advising Donald Trump on some very important matters. Like how to avoid having the election stolen from him! And, we hope, lots of other things also.

Jones says that he personally talked to Trump about how he thinks this is going to be managed, and says Trump was totally on the same page with him on all of this — and even ahead of him! Probably because, as a very rich person, he is very familiar with the ways of the illuminati.

One of the things Jones said would happen would be that “Homeland Security was going to go in and probably bring in U.N. observers, to make sure illegals and people could vote, and change the debate away from election fraud, to retail voter fraud, which is individuals cheating rather than the computers being hacked.”

Yes, that seems very likely indeed! Oh, and not only are they going to do that, but “they” are going to put out all fake polls saying that he is losing when in reality he is WINNING!

And I said you’ve gotta do it while you’re still way ahead in the polls cause they’re going to start skewing the polls obviously and saying you’re behind — that’s a standard tactic — you need to go now with this information so that when you’re actually still ahead you talk about the fraud.

You’ll be ahead all the way through, but they’re going to put out the fake polls that you’re way behind and actually create that perception. And obviously Trump was right there. And Trump did it. That’s why they’re so scared of him. I mean, they are having to put on adult diapers over this guy, okay?

Wow, that is a very sneaky thing of “them” to do. Who are “they” though? Lizard people? The Rothschilds? Colonel Sanders? Bohemian Grove? Jesuit clones? Human alien hybrids? Maybe Obama really did go through with his plan to replace all of humanity with cyborgs, and those are the “people” that will be rigging the election? The possibilities are, in fact, endless when you are totally just making shit up. My personal hope is that somehow they use chemtrails to steal the election. Or fluoride! Or chemtrails infused with fluoride!

Of course, Jones is gonna have to be more careful about advertising this, given that he already has concerns about Hillary Clinton having him killed! Jones has had to load up on guns in recent days to protect himself from this definite possibility. Even his green screen is at risk!

Screen Shot 2016-09-01 at 10.52.53 AM

In fact, he is so very in fear for his life that he has pinned this video to the top of his Twitter timeline imploring the world to investigate Hillary Clinton if he dies.

It is actually quite weird that Hillary Clinton and her illuminati friends have not yet offed Alex Jones! Or like, any of the other people on YouTube valiantly exposing them! Are they just super bad at illuminati-ing? I guess so! I mean, if these illuminati lizard people and Hillary Clinton are supposed to be in charge of the entire world, and they are fucking up so badly that Alex Jones is out there spreading the truth with no consequences whatsoever, how can we even trust them to steal an election?

Do we need to put more fluoride in the chemtrails? How do we give him Morgellon’s? I mean, as a member of the Mainstream Media (I think?) — or at the very least, the Lamestream Media, I feel like my voice ought to be included in these matters. I’m not sure if I count as an official member of the illuminati — maybe just like an associate member like Shannon Kilbourne was in The Babysitters Club? And I feel we are not doing enough to fuck with Alex Jones and Donald Trump. Let’s ramp this up, fellow lizard people!

[Media Matters]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • kareemachan

    You know, I didn’t hear about/from Alex Jones for years. I wish it was still that way.

  • Dear Alex Jones,

  • anwisok

    I wonder how many people go to infowars simply to get their laugh for the day.

    • Nounverb911

      Most of them, Katie?

  • Swampay

    You heard it here first: I’ve just discovered that the reason Drumpf is cozying up to the rooskies was so he could arrange for them to hack the election results so that he could win.

  • Robin

    There are quite a few bars around Austin that give out free copies of infowars. I’m assuming it’s too clean up messes the patrons dogs leave.

    • Aquaria

      It’s because that many idiots in Austin buy into his bullshit.

  • exinkwretch

    You lose points for the shitty Photoshop job. Alex would NEVER wear a tinfoil hat. Aluminum leeches into the bloodstream and allows the reptile aliens to control you telepathically if you’ve had the HPV or pertussis vaccines!

    • Thaumaturgist

      The things I learn on Wonkette!

    • PubOption

      There are claims that ingested aluminum causes dementia, so he could have been eating the hats after wearing them.

      • baconzgood

        You have to eat them after you wear them or else ACORN will have your DNA when they collect them at the dump. This is common sense PubOption

      • blondeiq

        (checks portfolio…) Maybe it’s time to invest in bauxite.

    • OddMan

      Martha Stewart says to always use the aluminum foil lined with parchment paper, keeps the aluminum leaches away from your brain.

    • Msgr_Vagenda

      Do these aluminum foil jeans make my ass look fat?

      • LesBontemps

        No, they make your ass look crazy!

    • Mr. Blobfish

      He uses a lead lined hat, which would explain a few things.

  • Nounverb911

    “Jones says that he personally talked to Trump about how he thinks”
    In person or just through the voices in his head?

    • Logic of Color

      Can you blame him? I can’t seem to get that fucker’s voice outta my head either

  • Joe Beese
  • clubseal

    “Maybe Obama really did go through with his plan to replace all of humanity with cyborgs, and those are the “people” that will be rigging the election?”
    The Institute of the Commonwealth libels!!11!!

  • Joe Beese

    “Thank you for voting.”

    • baconzgood

      That looks like Ex Mrs. BACONZ if you could see her soul.

    • loser_sneeze

      Reptar seems to have had a rough day.

  • Thaumaturgist

    As I believe I’ve mentioned before, it isn’t juice boxes that turn kids gay, it’s grits. http://dailycurrant.com/2014/05/05/study-links-homosexuality-to-eating-grits/

    • Joe Beese

      Soy.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Kale.

        • Blank Ron

          I thought it was a lack of gluten?

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Aaaah, the scourge of gluten deficiency. I can’t wait for the coming onslaught of patients flooding the emergency rooms.

    • calliecallie

      Grits libels!!!

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Any gunners out there know what sort of space age bazooka cannon that bearded fucker is hefting? I probably couldn’t even pick it up but it looks damn cool!

    • Nockular cavity

      A .50 caliber sniper rifle, maybe?

      You know, for “home defense.”

      • Major_Major_Major

        Yep, prolly a Barrett with the upcharge camo coating for full weekend warrior effect.

        • hendenburg2

          Yep. California tried to ban them a few years back, with the full support of the Sherriff and Police Department associations (hell, even the TV ads featured uniformed deputies), but it failed after Barrett threatened to not sell to the state National Guard

      • Logic of Color

        “Fifty caliber sniper rifle, for when dammit, you just don’t have time to aim”

        • Nockular cavity

          “…or give a shit about how many school buses or whatever may be behind your target.”

    • jesuswasablack

      It looks like a 5.56mm basically a larger bore AR-15 with a really needlessly long barrel, its for the white dudes with really little peens!

      https://rudekitty.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/biggun.jpg

      • hendenburg2

        Isn’t that one of those Soviet anti-tank rifles that they re-purposed into anti-bunker sniper rifles, the ones that had a 50-50 chance of breaking the user’s shoulder every time?

        • Captain Kraut

          This one could even be a man-portable 20 mm, an excellent choice for people with little sense and a shoulder or three to spare.

      • I once knew a guy who shot at Bisley and was a member of the Cambridge Long Range Rifle Club. He was wealthy and obtained a .55 in Boys anti-tank rifle, re-lined the barrel to take .303 bullets and necked down the original cartridges to fit the new bullets.

        He test fired it and ended up with the lining 50 yard down range.

    • TJ Barke

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barrett_M82
      .50 cal anti-materiel rifle.

      • Sardonicuss

        Yerp. Pretty accurate a mile out too…
        My fucking neighbor has one. He lives a mile away.

        • TJ Barke

          Well, just don’t stand still too long and adopt a random pattern of movement.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          DON’T go outside with an apple on your head. Just sayin.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I don’t know, but I bet it’s in the 40 watt range.

  • bubbuhh

    Make Great Mexican Again Also TOo)

    • Astraea

      #MAGAAT

  • TheGrandWaz00

    It’s weird how nobody thinks about killing Alex Jones except Alex Jones. It’s as if he was spreading propaganda or something.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      The best punishment for Alex Jones is for him to live on into irrelevantly ripe, toothless old age and obscurity.

      • SDGeoff

        And mute.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          We should be so lucky.

  • baconzgood

    Retail voter fraud Pffft. I only buy my election fraud wholesale.

    • hendenburg2

      Costco or Sam’s?

      • baconzgood

        Factory direct.

        • hendenburg2

          Yeah, but then you can’t get $1.50 hot dog + soda with your ballot-stuffing

          • baconzgood

            No. But there’s a nice dude named Lester at the loading dock that always gives me a little extra. Like 5000 more votes in Wisconsin.

  • FauxAntocles

    Dammit! Those planes have to fly lower!

  • Fartknocker

    Shut the fuck Alex. You’re nothing more than former coke user who found rehab and parlayed stupid nonsense into a cottage industry. Oh, and you’re not that bright.

    • Nockular cavity

      …Former?

      • tehbaddr

        He now uses them brain speed pills he hawks.

  • tehbaddr

    This election cycle is so full of crazy…

    https://media0.giphy.com/media/AbPWwqSgMejM4/200_s.gif

  • If he dies, investigate chili-cheese fries…

    On a more serious note, the more people tell Trump that the polls are faked, the more he’s going to believe those people (frankly, he probably already does), so when he loses, bigly, he’s going to be even more insufferable about it AND rile up his base of useful idiots who could potentially cause some actual harm.

    This is dangerous shit, and I mean that completely snark-free.

    • edith prickly

      That will be the moment he launches his new Foxier than Fox media empire. Because TROOF!!

  • Crystalclear12

    This is the FEMA camps all over again. Alex Jones promised me FEMA camps for all the RWNJ if I voted for Obama. Do you see any camps?! I am starting to think he is not a reliable news source.

  • Tallmutha

    I’m beginning to think humanity can’t be replaced with cyborgs soon enough.

    • I, for one, welcome my eye-that-can-see-through-solid-steel and super human strength.

      • LesBontemps

        I’m perfectly ok with it as long as I am assimilated by Jeri Ryan.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      I can haz emotion chip?

  • hendenburg2

    Because nothing says “measured self-defense” like a gun that so big the Geneva Conventions most likely says that you can’t use it against humans.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      That gun was designed to kill trucks. And then repurposed to treat ego fragility in sociopaths.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Is there a taser version for electric vehicles?

    • mailman27

      It seems that size does matter.

    • The shirt says “come and take it” but the gun says “if you can lift the fucking thing!”

    • Doug Langley

      Where did he get that gun, anyway? A Man From Uncle episode?

      • julienne58

        I think one of the Doom sequels. Is that the BFG?

    • Sardonicuss

      I think Lil Kim saves that one for his least favorite cousins.

    • SDGeoff

      It says a lot about something else that apparently does not measure up.

  • Sardonicuss

    Okay…which one of you Liz people swapped out Alex’s meth with bath salts? Own up. We covered this in the meeting damnit!

    • Msgr_Vagenda

      *stares at shoes*

      • Sardonicuss

        Bath salts are an October strategy! Never before Labor Day. Remember the Glenn Beck incident!?

        • mancityfooty .

          Sorry.

          But, we can use the flakka in October.

          • Sardonicuss

            Yep. Suddenly Alex will find Dan Badondi’s face to appear quite tasty.

          • Only after the solstice

          • mancityfooty .

            It’s not good manners to wear white or smoke bath salts after labor day

    • SuspectedDemocrat
  • Msgr_Vagenda

    In fact, he is so very in fear for his life that he has pinned this video to the top of his Twitter timeline imploring the world to investigate Hillary Clinton if he dies.

    Careful, Sparky. Dead Breitbart used to be called just Breitbart.

  • Ms.MLG1979

    I drank one of those Homo-Chemical juice boxes. It didn’t make me gay, but I happily rubbed my own face for 3 hours, and got to experience one night as a great dancer.

    • Major_Major_Major

      True story, uhhh, my friend once spent four hours in the bathroom alternately giggling and wigging out to my his reflection

      • Ms.MLG1979

        WHOA! My FACE!

      • yyyaz

        “Why am I wearing this headband?”
        “Why am I wearing this headband?”
        “Why am I wearing this headband?”
        “To keep my hair out of my eyes! That’s why!”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Drink all the Homo Juice you want. We’ll make more.”
      — America’s Gay Community

  • Cindyinencinitas

    If you’re really one of us, show us your false flag pin.

  • baconzgood

    Could you imagine being this man’s child and having to take your date to meet him?

    Not enough “I’m sorry for my dad” in the world would score you a date after that.

    • TJ Barke

      Pretty sure I wouldn’t bother if he was my dad.

    • Aquaria

      Come on. He lives in Austin. A shocking percentage of the population there buys his BS and those idiots have raised their kids to think this nitwit is a hero.

      Y’all really need to learn exactly how insane Austin actually is.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “The government has secretly replaced all of our tin foil with this useless aluminum foil. It does nothing!”
    — Alex Jones

  • Me not sure

    Alex the chemicals are not coming from airplane contrails! THEY’RE INFUSED IN THE GUN STOCKS!!!

  • Me not sure

    Alex, the chemicals are not coming from airplane contrails! THEY’RE INFUSED IN THE GUN STOCKS!!!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Someone tell him and his listeners that true chemtrails flow from the barrel of a gun.

    • chicken thief

      I read on the internets that the chemicals are not coming from airplane contrails! THEY’RE INFUSED IN THE GUN STOCKS!!! You hear anything about that, Me not sure?

      • Me not sure

        It must be true, it’s trending everywhere!

  • Callyson

    Of course, Jones is gonna have to be more careful about advertising this, given that he already has concerns about Hillary Clinton having him killed!

    Second time today that this is relevant:

  • Lefty Frizzell

    What a dick. Everybody knows that voter fraud, whether real or imagined (hint – it’s imagined), just like the concept of buying elections, is the side show.

    The real money is in buying governments. And in the face of popular opinion I’m damn sure that will be a lot easier with President Trump than President Clinton.

    • cat cafe

      Best thing with Trump, Putin doesn’t even have to buy him, he already owns him.

  • Vagenda of Goats

    I guess he thinks saying “Hillary Clinton wants to have me killed” is more effective than standing there waving his arms saying “Look at me dammit, look at me!”.

    • Hutch

      . o O How can I cash in on this Donald Trump nonsense?

  • jesuswasablack
    • alwayspunkindrublic

      We can always hope…

    • chicken thief

      Like white people can do manual labor…..

  • TJ Barke

    Someone’s been playing too much Deus Ex. It’s just a video game, Alex.

  • LesBontemps

    as a very rich person,

    ALLEGEDLY!

  • Crystalclear12

    If we were putting chemicals secretly in things to control you we would’ve started with antipsychotics.
    The Government.

    • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)

      Well CLEARLY, Jones is far too clever to fall for that. He’s been off his meds since forever.

    • SDGeoff

      Yes.

  • Pickle Truther (AntiDerpomeme)
    • TJ Barke

      Pickles!

  • Vagendajohn

    Hillary: Illuminati … but nice!

  • TheDogAteMyVote

    “This browser does not support video playback”
    Thank you, browser.

    • Sardonicuss

      …..but it will be voting for your playback in November because: Hillary!

  • Astraea

    We already know Hillary used bleach as a chemical weapon against her own innocent emails. WHo knows what kind of Benghazi she’ll do to the rest of us?

    • SDGeoff

      Lavender scented Drano.

      • Captain Kraut

        It’s what drains crave!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Every knows the mind control drugs are in ammo, so that gunsmoke delivers them. Enclosed spaces full of people, like say, a shooting range, work much better than the open atmosphere.

    • baconzgood

      Now that Baconz can actually buy.

  • baconzgood

    I have a feeling in 5 years right wing radio shows will be nothing more than 2 hours of a fat white guy yelling “BOOGIDA- BOOGIDA-BOO!!” Into a microphone. They are really running out of crazy.

    • Ms.MLG1979

      Idiocracy come to life.

      • edith prickly

        OW, my balls!

        • Ms.MLG1979

          Says here on your chart you’re all fucked up..

          • beavertank

            Don’t worry, ‘scrote. There are plenty of ‘tards out there living really kick-ass lives. My first wife was ‘tarded. She’s a pilot now.

          • Sardonicuss

            “Shit Sucks!”
            U.S. News. September, 2016

          • Ms.MLG1979

            I need to see that again!

          • cat cafe

            I OBJECT! That my client has really messed up my life, and I object that he thinks he’s so smart!

      • timpundit

        Go away, ‘batin!

    • SDGeoff

      They already do that on our local hate radio in San Diego. They are especially scared here because we CAN see Mexico from our backyards!

      • baconzgood

        What right do Mexican have to live in places like San Diego or El Paso, or San Francisco, or Los Angeles?

        • SDGeoff

          Beats the hell outta me. You’d think they owned the place.

        • cat cafe

          Or in a state called “California” or “New Mexico”? Next thing they’ll think they can live in Santa Monica, La Jolla, or along the Rio Grande!

    • LesBontemps

      There is no such thing as peak derp, it’s a libtard hoax!

    • Don’t challenge them.

  • TheDogAteMyVote

    Alex realizes that Trump has never been ‘way ahead in the polls’, right?

    • Astraea

      SAYS WHO!?

      • TheDogAteMyVote

        HA!!

        • Astraea

          GOODMAN?

          • TheDogAteMyVote

            Bad dog. Why do you ask?

    • baconzgood

      If his friends can’t convince him that the voices in his head aren’t real….

      • cat cafe

        Friends? When did he ever have friends?

    • edith prickly

      That’s what THEY want you to think! Follow the money sheeple!!

  • jesuswasablack
    • chicken thief

      Is he challenging One L Michele to a corn dog swallowing contest there?

  • Vagendajohn
  • TJ Barke

    The idea that people don’t want to vote for a fascist spray tanned conman is somehow impossible for AJ to accept.

  • edith prickly

    Dear Alex: Hillary only murdelizes people who are a threat to her. You are mostly a threat to yourself.

    Love, Edith

    P.S. The Knights Templar and the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes would like you to stop telegraphing their next moves.

    EP

    • SDGeoff

      I love this.

  • Michael Smith

    Yay! Trump is going to defeat the illuminati! Then we will be free!

  • DerrickWildcat

    Alex Jones is a CIA plant and is in on it.

    • vivian

      … a potted plant no less.

  • baconzgood

    Every time I read a story about this dude I get so angry I start to taste copper. What’s up with that?

    • DerrickWildcat

      You have been exposed to the Nanobots that are in chemtrails.

    • Sardonicuss

      How’s your left arm feeling?

      • baconzgood

        Punchy.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      It means you need electrolytes.

    • Ahhh

      That’s the implanted chip. If you see him in the flesh you are programmed to perform the noodle ritual with added sauce. This will cause Mr Jones to spontaneously combust leaving ashes with a crop circle design on the ground. A laser will then read the information transmitting it to HAARP which will then resonate with the chemtrails twisting reality to allow CERN to generate a “white hole that will alter the universe to allow the Reptiloids under the command of Elizabeth II and Chairman Mao to attack every Trump voter with LSD empowered Cheetos. The afternoon will be sunny with a 40% chance of showers.

  • beavertank

    The only thing Alex Jones is even vaguely qualified to advise anyone on is where to find the best trucker speed and how often to re-dose yourself to maintain peak crazed energy while avoiding a heart attack or stroke.

  • atheistinafoxhole

    Antagonistic, delusional and insane is no way to go through life, Alex.

    • timpundit

      But, there’s good money in it if you can be the King of all antagonistic, delusional lunatics.

      • atheistinafoxhole

        Also it is a fairly accurate description of Trump’s base, so there’s that.

  • JVisconti

    If I die, please investigate Chipotle or my 1978 Ford Pinto.

    • mardam422

      Are you eating and driving again?

  • JackLinks
  • YoBunnyBunny

    Pfft!!! Those clowns needs those big ass guns to defend themselves against Hillz and her army of limp-wristed, safe-space needing, gay libtard SJWs??? We’re flattered!!!

  • JackLinks
  • Scooby

    Help! I am commenting from a WallMart prison in Texas. Tell the world!!

    • Angela Ruzzo

      If you are in Texas, then there is no other world but Texas, and you are stuck in a space-time continuum from which there is no escape. Would a Care Package help?

      • Scooby

        Send shovels I’m tunneling to China.

        • chicken thief

          I have dildos that I didn’t get posted to Blue Tarp Man before he met his untimely demise – need those?

          • Scooby

            Considering Alex Jones and crew are here I’d say we have enough dildoes.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Oooh, bad move, shoot for Australia instead. On the other hand, you could escape to Mexico – I hear it’s real easy to cross the border, and they have great food there.

          Here is a fascinating map that shows you where you would end up if you dug a hole straight through the Earth. I’m sorry to say that you would end up in the middle of the Indian Ocean.
          http://www.ubasics.com/dighole/

    • Paganish

      Like, ZOINKS!! Start diggin’ Scoob! We’ll escape from the secret Chinese tunnels underground leftover from Jade Helm!

      • Scooby

        我军已经准备好

    • kaydenpat

      But you’re supposed to be anti-UN. Alex Jones would be so ashamed.

  • Vagenda Is Fo(u)r Lovers 《MCP》

    Infantile
    Nitwits’
    Fantasies
    Of
    White
    America’s
    Racial
    Superiority

  • Panika MCD

    *muscles not included

  • Vagenda Is Fo(u)r Lovers 《MCP》

    I
    Need
    Funds
    Only
    Witless
    Americans
    Reliably
    Send

  • Manocide:_The_Vagenda_of_Fate

    FREE BRENT SPINER

    • Your Disqus name–that should be a video game.

    • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

      TO GOOD HOME

  • E K Wallace

    In fairness to the lizard people, they WERE here first.

    • kaydenpat

      I cannot take anyone serious who believes that lizards can beat cats for world domination. Have they seen how cats control their human pets?

      • Thaag Tidestalker

        I’ve seen my cats present me with half a lizard.

        THE HALF WITH A FACE. WHICH IS STILL TRYING TO BITE ME.

        Cats know how to torture two species at the same time.

        • kaydenpat

          Yuck.

          I mean Good Kitty (just in case your cats are reading this).

          • Aquaria

            Mine just blinked, and said, “Puny Human, you have to do better than that if you want me not to hork hairballs in your shoes every day for two months.”

  • Rick Hill

    “….a very rich person, he is very familiar with the ways of the illuminati.”

    In reality: “Those guys! “Oh, donald. You’re not rich enough. You’re not smert enough.” Well, when I’m preznit, I’ll show those Illumine clowns who’s boss!”

  • Angela Ruzzo

    If I wanted to be taken seriously, I don’t think I would pose for a photo standing next to a bald guy with an Old Testament beard, covered with tattoos, wearing Bermuda shorts, and holding what looks like a missile launcher.

    • mardam422

      Well, that’s just you.

    • kaydenpat

      As if any weapon they have could actually keep them safe from the American military. Sheesh!

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Or Hillary Clinton when she’s in a murdery mood.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Right. I kept pointing this out to my wacko coworkers who insist they will actively defend themselves, their homes and their families when the government comes to take away their guns. I say “Waco!” They reply “Cold dead hands!” They are delusional.

  • Vagenda Is Fo(u)r Lovers 《MCP》

    Idiots
    Now
    Feeling
    Oppressed
    When
    Admiralty
    Rag
    Seen

  • chicken thief

    I did drugs in the ’60’s also too, Alex, but Jesus fucking Christ…..

    • Vagenda Is Fo(u)r Lovers 《MCP》

      I did drugs in the 90s, and I second that.

      • Brendan_M

        I’m on drugs right now and I third that.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I started in the early 70’s. I don’t think there’s any chance of me reaching Alex’s Moment of Peak Derp.

    • Aquaria

      I know this is difficult to believe, but Alex was born in the 70s.

  • Rick Hill

    “If I Die Investigate Hillary Clinton”

    HRC-Get in line, bitch

    • kaydenpat

      Why does Alex think anyone cares about him like that? If he died, I wouldn’t blink an eye.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I’d like to know the circumstances. If it appeared he’d died from an act of violence, I’d know Hillary wasn’t involved.

  • Loki1001

    Perhaps Trump is right and Clinton doesn’t have the mind to be president. After all, she’s too busy murdering a random DNC staffer to murder a high-priority target like Alex Jones. I mean, you’ve got to have your priorities straight!

    • It’s sneakier this way. You off the low-ranking people you have no ostensible reason to kill, and no one believes you did it. Until it’s time….

  • MynameisBlarney
  • kaydenpat

    Alex Jones will hold the newly created Cabinet position of “Director of National Intellectualism” in Trump’s administration. Palin will be his Deputy.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Briefly. You forgot to add “briefly” to the end of the sentence, ” Palin will be his Deputy.”

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Makes me miss those more innocent times when people used tin foil to smoke crack.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      A pencil and some aluminum foil worked great together to make a quick, makeshift pipe for either pot or hash also, too.

  • mardam422

    I really see a market here for chemtrails with 25% more fluoride. Who’s with me?

    • georgiaburning

      only if they’re gluten-free

    • atheistinafoxhole

      You never see the Russkies sniffing chemtrails.

    • greyXstar

      I’m in. Bigly!

    • chicken thief

      Add in some vaccine and you can count me in!

  • limberrat

    Saw this on FB the other day and found it hilarious and rather appropriate to Mr. Jones.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      “Force all Redneck men to marry during the First Annual New World Order Festival in January.” But marry who: each other, their cousins, their livestock…? Need more details.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        aotk

    • Rufus T. Firefly

      John has a long mustache. I repeat, John has a long mustache.

  • georgiaburning

    Alex appears ready to shoot his friend in the foot. Has he run out of his own toes?

  • chicken thief

    “Alex Jones, a man who believes the government is putting chemicals in juice boxes to turn kids gay,…”

    That’s just insane. Even an economy as large as that of the US can support only so many interior designers and hairdressers.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      There are still plenty of openings for closeted gay Republicans.

  • I Only Like Cats

    Even before anyone announced they were running Donald Trump was behind Hillary Clinton.

  • greyXstar

    I don’t know why, but I always picture him with a banana peel on his head instead of a tinfoil hat.

  • chicken thief

    I like Mr Bad Ass’s t-shirt. I like it so much, in fact, that I think I’ll head on over to his house the next time he is getting inked and steal his guns. And the t-shirt.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Happy, Derptember, everybody!

  • Ghenghis McCann

    Dear Alex. Trump is part of the conspiracy. His mother came from Scotland, and the Scottish flag consists of two chemtrails crossing against a blue sky. Beware!!!1!

  • AndyC316

    I remember the days when I didn’t know who Alex Jones was… I miss those days. They were really great days. *deep sigh*

    • But were they the YOOOGest Greatest Days?

      • AndyC316

        Idk abt all that — they were def the bigliest great days.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I am impressed by your grasp of the details

  • AndyC316

    Does anyone know WTF kind of gun that guy who isn’t Alex Jones has in the above pic? It looks like a Decepticons fucking arm or something

    • Longstreet63

      I expect that’s a Barrett .50 cal sniper rifle. It’s pretty much the ultimate Penis extender.

  • Longstreet63

    Look, you have to understand, the Illuminati are an evil
    organization. They designed the government bureaucracy, so tas you can imagine, the paperwork is incredible. Some of Richard Nixon’s kill orders are still going through approval. Alex is just going to have to wait his turn.

    And by, the way, genius, a sniper rifle and an AR-15 are gonna do so much good against that guy in the airport with a polonium-tipped umbrella.

  • MissNomer

    No no no. It’s the reptilians leaving signals for the Illuminati in the chemtrails.

  • Fifth-and-a-Half Element

    I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be this scared and/or paranoid every single day.

    And I live in one of those “dangerous” cities.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    Let’s say Hitlery wins but Repubs maintain the House and Senate. Those cries are gonna ring kinda hollow. If you’re gonna steal the election, why not steal the down ballot races as well? I’m sure Killary is looking forward to four years of Congressional investigations and zero legislation being passed.

  • RJ (TO)

    It appears the chemtrails have gotten to him first.

  • loser_sneeze

    The Government and Clinton are all really incompetent but also super good at complicated conspiracy. Huh.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Just put your tinfoil hat on, and it all makes sense.

      • loser_sneeze

        How do I know you aren’t in the pocket of Big Tinfoil?

        • jmk

          Make sure you buy small-batch, home-grown, non-GMO tinfoil and you should be fine.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Retail election fraud”?

    Is that where you pay someone to vote a certain way, but they double-cross you by voting for someone else?

    • jmk

      And when you complain, they say “no returns! Store credit only!”

      • MrCanoehead

        You should’ve kept your fucking receipt.

        (sorry. retail flashback)

  • Terri Czarski

    I can’t believe Mr. Jones overlooked the scientifically proven fact that the vaccines and smart meters are to blame. He is slipping. Sad.

  • h4rr4r

    Why does a crazy person have a gun? That is already illegal.

    • WeaselPoo

      That you think it’s iilegal for a crazy person to have a gun is also (sadly) crazy, so you are crazy and therefore, may I recommend for your owning pleasure an AR-15 EBR accessorized with a M-203 and AN-AQ8 laser designator? Enjoy!

      • h4rr4r

        No really, it is illegal to sell guns to the mentally ill. It is one of the things on the form when you buy them.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          The form also asks if you are a member of a terrorist organization. You have to check the No box to get a gun.

          • h4rr4r

            That is how we keep Nazis out too.
            The US visa form asks if you are a NAZI or if you plan to commit any crimes during your stay.

    • berkeleyfarm

      Texas.

  • MissNomer

    ,,,

  • Jamoche

    Yes, but how useful is that super-extended penis extender going to be if they come after you with fresh fruit?

    Seriously, I’m amused just thinking about that guy trying to defend against anyone in the same room as him. I know a few gun disarming moves from karate, and the first and usually hardest step – get close enough to touch the gun – is a gimme.

  • Blank Ron

    Sorry, can’t help today. I’m sunning myself on my basking rock.

    • A Bashful Nobody

      Haha! Is you a reptile?

      • Blank Ron

        Ssssory, I’m not allowed to ssssay.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          No, no. You “know nothing”.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Please Lord, before I die, just give me five minutes alone with this fool.

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      If I had any time with the sicko, I’d want to be in drag and I’d tell him that he looks sweet before kissing him. It would probably render him catatonic.

      • A Bashful Nobody

        Now that right there would make me laugh!

  • CJTX

    My favorite Jones screen cap. Everybody, get on the dance floor and do The Alex Jones.

    • GHERKINS OF TRUTH!

      My favorite Alex Jones picture:

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    From that photo, I surmise that Alex Jones and his crony have no penises.

    As to the claims that the gubmint wants to turn us gay. I’ve seen The Birdcage, Milk and the first two seasons of Glee and Modern Family, and I’ve heard many of Lady Gaga’s songs. I still feel no sexual attraction to members of my own gender. It appears that the gubmint isn’t doing enough to gayify me.

  • AngryKatie

    Alex Jones seems infinitely fuck-with-able. It’s good we’re not in the same area, otherwise I suspect I’d end up wearing reptile contact lenses and following him while he runs errands in the hope of making eye contact. For example.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      ahh.. not just kicks in the nutses…

      • AngryKatie

        For reals. Alex Jones should be really glad I don’t live nearby enough to leave notes on his car or go to the same grocery store.

        The lizard people would be EVERYWHERE.

        • Panika MCD

          he lives in Austin. he probably thinks we’re all lizard people.

          • AngryKatie

            I knew he was in Texas, I didn’t realize it was AUSTIN. No wonder he’s losing his mind.

          • Panika MCD

            I’m wondering if no one will rent to him or something. we’re going to be putting in some rainbow crosswalks soon, that may help. but you’d think he would have left with Uber and Lyft.

    • Panika MCD

      I live in the same area and he screeches at people who try to fuck with him. it’s really a blood curdling noise.

      • Suroz

        i feel bad for you

        • Panika MCD

          meh, council passes enough things he doesn’t like to let the rest of us relax and just laugh it off. he doesn’t go out in public much. no one can figure out why he lives here…maybe no one else will take him?

      • AngryKatie

        This is all I can think of now.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEStsLJZhzo

  • 3FingerPete

    I think Jones suffers from an excess of precious bodily fluids.

    • Kevin J. Lumpsum

      Typical troll attack… when have nothing of value to say, attack the person’s appearance.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    “If I die investigate Hillary Clinton.”

    So… The perfect crime? >yeah yeah with votes<

  • Iam Reading

    I remember when we used to grab these people put them in a white van and take them to facility and get them the help they need. Thanks a lot Ronnie Reagan

    • Sakonyachen

      How else was he gonna drum up more Republican voters?

  • Suroz

    TIN FOIL HATS COME GET YOUR TIN FOIL HATS-TIN FOIL JONES

    • Kevin J. Lumpsum

      MIB stopped this guy from committing a suicide and turned him into a “think tank” :-)

  • Stulexington

    The more Trump realizes how hopeless his campaign is, the more he talks about it being “stolen.”

    • Kevin J. Lumpsum

      This place is teeming with “think tanks” :-)

  • Gentle Robot

    is that a potato gun? a prothesis from star wars? is he holding IG88? what the hell is that?

    • Sakonyachen

      I’m assuming it’s the machine he uses to get an erection. It would be irresponsible not to jump to conclusions.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I stick a pin in my Alex Jones doll every morning when I get up. Am I not doing something right?

  • RugzYaBurnt

    I’m cornfused. As a kid I read the Babysitter’s Club books so fervently my dear mother worried I would grow up to be A Idiot, yet I have no clue who Shannon Kilbourne is?…

  • mtn_philosoph

    And I feel we are not doing enough to fuck with Alex Jones and Donald Trump. Let’s ramp this up, fellow lizard people!

    Well you know, we’re all doing what we can.

    • Kevin J. Lumpsum

      Fuck YOU

Previous articleIn Bitchfight Between Trump And Mexican President, Who’s Lying? ALL OF THEM, KATIE
Next articleJulian Assange Warns Hillary Clinton Is A Demon Who’ll Murder Us All, Unlike That Nice Mr. Putin