By now you know the story. San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is refusing to stand for the national anthem during pre-game ceremonies, in protest against an America that currently isn’t all that friendly of a place for people of color. Surprisingly, many Americans have opinions on this, ranging from “He can say what he wants, as this is America after all” to “I see what he is doing, but that is disrespectful to veterans” to “MAYBE HE SHOULD GO BACK TO BLACKISTAN WHERE HE WAS OBVIOUSLY BORN, IF HE DOESN’T LOVE AMERICA.”
Even more surprisingly, Donald Trump has weighed in — he’s usually so shy! — and he falls more into the latter camp, the “Maybe he should find a country that works better for him” camp, adding, “Let him try, it’s not gonna happen.” This is because America is the greatest country in the world for all things, even though it needs to be Made Great Again, because it’s on Trump’s hat. If you’re sensing some mixed signals there, on whether America is currently #Great, that’s because your brain is not as nuanced as Trump’s brain is. (LOL!)
So, we were wondering what America’s greatest patriots, those who take a paycheck from the Fox News organization, had to say about this. The answer: Oh, just things. They are saying stuff and things. All brilliant, patriotic, non-racist things. Obviously.
Brian Kilmeade pretty sure Kaepernick’s parents are white, so shouldn’t he be acting like one of #TheNiceBlacks?
Oh yes, Brian Kilmeade — alternately known as “The Rapey One” even though it turned out to be Steve Doocy the whole time!!! — had a thinky inside his head cavity, and it was almost as profound as the time he couldn’t figure out why sharks insist on living in the ocean all the time whenever they want. You see, Colin Kaepernick is mixed race, and his parents are white. Doesn’t that mean he has a God-given responsibility to be as white as possible, and moreover, doesn’t that mean he should be grateful, as a biracial person, to live in a country where he can be raised by Real White Americans? That is what Brian Kilmeade would like to know:
… [L]et’s be honest, he was adopted by two white parents, he was well supported. He’s a great athlete. I’m sure he worked hard. I also heard his grades were great. But I don’t know what in his experience that could be so negative. But let’s start from the place, we all love the country and let’s try to make it better …
Brian Kilmeade is literally sitting there thinking “White parents, good grades, SOUNDS LIKE A WHITE PERSON TO ME!” He literally cannot imagine how Kaepernick’s status as a man with black and European heritage might give him a different perspective, because Brian Kilmeade is very stupid and he literally cannot imagine most things.
Tucker Carlson wishes Colin Kaepernick would stop being a such a melodramatic goddamned Oprah about everything.
Tucker Carlson — alternately known as “The Dumb One Who Is Also Kinda Rapey” — has thoughts, and surprise, they are not far off from Brian Kilmeade’s thoughts. However, instead of just being content to note that Colin Kaepernick has been surrounded by white people, and therefore should act like a Good White Person, Carlson adds the dimension of how Kaepernick, like Oprah and President Obama, has lots of money dollars, which, in a racist white person’s brain, means he should act like a Good White RICH Person. Why can’t Kaepernick leave childish and reverse racist things like “being black” behind? That is what Tucker Carlson would like to know:
CARLSON: [W]hen did rich people become victims? When did people stop laughing at the idea that someone who makes 10 million dollars a year can get up, “I’m a victim.” The president, “I’m a victim.” Oprah, —
MARA LIASSON: He didn’t say he was a victim. He just said he was protesting.
CARLSON: He did. In that clip, he didn’t. No, he said, “I felt the sting of it, too.” No, you’re an overpaid athlete. The next time some overpaid entertainer or athlete or politician stands up and says, “boo, hoo, people are mean to me because x, y, and z”, laugh in their face, including this guy.
Tucker Carlson, warrior for the common man! Laugh at the rich lady Oprah, who couldn’t have possibly ever experienced racism in her fight to the top. Laugh at Obama, who was obviously born with a silver spoon in his mouth, in Kenya or wherever. Laugh at Colin Kaepernick, who gets paid many ameros to play football, even when he was a little mixed race boy growing up probably, and therefore is now immune to any understanding of what black folks go through in America.
We should note that Tucker’s not so poor himself, and probably has a few dollars stashed in his butthole from his long media career (and maybe from his prep school upbringing too!), so we guess this means we should “laugh in his face” next time he cries about gays and transgenders making him feel weak and small in the bathroom, because that is a thing he says, “Boo hoo, people are mean to me, because X, Y and Z” about.
Sean Hannity pissing his Underoos, because he’s pretty sure Colin Kaepernick is a secret Islamic.
Finally, and in third place where he belongs, Sean Hannity — alternately known as “The Dumbest Person At Fox” — is just doing his normal thing, where he sees a headline in the paper like GOAT AND HORSE ARE FRIENDS, assumes the Islamic State is somehow involved, and proceeds to have terrified wet bowel movements the rest of the evening. Hannity heard Kaepernick secretly shape-shifted into an Islamic during the off-season, AND he believes the things the others believe about how Kaepernick is a Richie Rich, AND he thinks the man should know his fucking place because America is SUPER NICE to the blacks, because we don’t even buy and sell them anymore.
Say words, Hannity:
You know what this guy is? He’s a spoiled brat, out of touch, super rich athlete. He, in his own life, has suffered no oppression, he’s free to share all the money he wants, he lives in the greatest nation on earth. You know — this is a nation that has overcome slavery, overcome evil and injustice, righted wrongs, you know, the Civil Rights Act, the Voting Rights Act, all these people that marched with Martin Luther King Jr., and made the country a better place.
This country fought a civil war, in part over slavery, you know — so, this is a country that beat back fascism, Nazism, imperial Japan, and communism, but he sees no good in it. It’s like Michelle Obama’s comment …
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH Michelle Obama BLAH BLAH BLAH get to the part about the Muslims, for God’s sake!
I don’t know, I’ve never been able to confirm this, I looked earlier today, that he might have converted to Islam in the off-season. […]
Who’s — who gave me this article today? I don’t even know where I got it. Anyway, it said during the off-season he may have converted to Islam, and he’s also engaged with Black Lives Matter, and I guess hip hop radio personality DJ Nessa Diab? Who’s that? I’ve never heard of these people.
And that, right there, is Sean Hannity playing wingnut bingo with his own G-spot and winning, oh my god, he’s winning so hard right now!
For the record, Snopes has checked into Hannity’s claim about Colin Kaepernick converting to Islam, and has rated it as “Fuck Off, Sean Hannity,” which is another way of saying “FALSE.”
So there you have it. Three very dumb, very racist men, talking out their asses about a thing they do not understand. In other words, a typical day at Fox News.