Donald Trump Regrets Offending You Or Whatever, He Can Be Preznit Nao?

Mistakes were made

Donald Trump wants you to know he regrets having offended you, if you were offended, not that he's going to actually apologize or even say what the hell it is he regrets. "Sorry" is also not a word he's going to bother with. But he supposes he might feel bad, if he were capable of feeling sorry for anyone but himself. Sometimes during the heat of a campaign, he says things, you know? It's just how it is. And maybe he could have said them better, even though he has the best words. What he's getting at here is that he has said things he regrets, and now will all you people just get over it and shut the fuck up? OK?

The AP's You Tube description of this moment at Trump's rally in Charlotte, North Carolina, may actually be a hell of a lot funnier than anything we can make up:

For the first time since declaring his presidential run, Republican Donald Trump offered an extended apology to those who may have been hurt by his caustic comments, saying that he regrets some of what he's said "in the heat of debate."

Huh. If that was an "extended apology," then Yr Dok Zoom's 1973 Chevy, Vlad the Impala, is a "sports car," in that it is a car and a Frisbee or two has landed underneath it in its day. This is what counts as an "extended apology"?

Sometimes, in the heat of debate and speaking on a multitude of issues, you don’t choose the right words or you say the wrong thing. I have done that. And believe it or not, I regret it.

And I do regret it, particularly where it may have caused personal pain. Too much is at stake for us to be consumed with these issues.

Do most people smirk and waggle their eyebrows quite so much during an extended apology? And are real extended apologies usually met with laughter and chants of "Trump! Trump! Trump!"? Guess it counts, since so many media people are talking about the campaign's "shift in tone." Riiiight.

 
 One sorry motherfucker.

 The New York Times noted, in that dainty phraseology it adopts when it comes close to actually calling Trump a goddamned liar,

Mr. Trump’s statement of regret [...] seemed to be a step toward trying to recover from a number of public quarrels and other episodes that have damaged his campaign, including a dispute with the family of an American Muslim soldier who was killed in Iraq.

But in his speech, which he read off a teleprompter, he did not specify what he regretted, offer specific apologies or linger on the subject.

Indeed. One might even go so far as to predict that it's the most specific he's ever going to get -- when the inevitable question "So what was it you regret?" comes up, he's nearly certain to respond that he said exactly what he meant: Sometimes he may have said wrong things and they may have caused personal pain, and that is what he regrets. Now, have you noticed just how feeble that crooked Hillary Clinton is?

Trump followed the notpology by saying, "One thing, I can promise you this: I will always tell you the truth." As MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell noted Thursday, the very next thing out of Trump's mouth was a lie: He said he'd spent "millions and millions of dollars on my own campaign. I'm funding my campaign." Which everyone knows isn't true, but come on, how can you nitpick every last statement of a man who has just issued an extensive apology?

Besides, it worked! Need proof? Just look what Trump -- or whatever staff member or offspring took his cell phone away -- tweeted Friday morning:

It's sad. So sad. It's a sad, sad situation. But for Donald Trump, sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Or in Trump's case, it may actually be choking out the letters "LGBTQ" when reading from a teleprompter. OK, one more "sorry" song, one that fits Trump a bit better:

[ NYT / AP on YouTube / Atlantic ]