Since we have been homeless for over 12 hours now — it’s a whole thing, don’t worry about it, WE’LL BE FINE — we have been luxuriating in the front yard of our friend Rene. She has a soft lawn, and a kiddie blowup pool, and liquor, and toy dinosaurs. It is a swell place to be homeless for a day or even more!
Unfortunately, Rene’s house also comes with a neighborhood Jill Stein canvasser. Did we want to take a moment out of our Sunday to listen to his pitch? We SURELY DID! Did we accidentally call Jill Stein “cunty”? Not so much by accident!
Anyway, howdy neighbor, nice to see you! Please, tell us more of this “Green Party” you represent just kidding we are already familiar! (Have you ever been to a Green meeting? We went once; it took three hours just to certify — everything had to be unanimous — the agenda.)
The nice young hippie man started by pointing out that both major parties were the same. We told him we felt exactly the same way in 1996 and 2000, when we voted for Nader and then became immediately — like Jan. 21, 2001 immediately, around about noon, when someone did away with Bill Clinton’s executive order about arsenic in drinking water — very very sorry. Then he gave us a mimeographed paper square explaining all the things Greens are for — clean energy, money out of politics, healthcare as a human right — and they were all things Democrats are for! That is weird, since Democrats are the same as Republicans because Hillary gave speeches to Goldman Sachs and also emails probably.
And that’s when I said Jill Stein could just be a nice old hippie lady and be like “hey, come be hippies with us!” but instead she had to be so cunty and be calling all the time for Hillary to go to jail and what the fuck was that about, and also fuck her. He said we needed at least an option for a third party, didn’t we? No! We didn’t!
“We’re a Hillary family,” I told him, smiling. (I didn’t check with Rene, but she seemed happy to let me do the talk-yelling.) He started on Hillary being a Wall Street wh… “No, we’re an ACTUAL Hillary family! Enthusiastically!”pandering to anti-vaxxers or never winning elected office higher than Massachusetts dogcatcher or being a generally miserable cunty hag. “I’M GLAD YOU ARE OUT ORGANIZING!” I shouted to his stiffened back as he walked on down the street, and I meant it! I wish there were more details, but he got out of there pretty quick instead of staying and fighting LIKE A MAN. But seriously, fuck Jill Stein, that mendacious nihilist piece of shit.