Plastic Industry-Funded Study Shows Plastic Is Awesome For Planet, Wow!

In 2014, environmental consulting company Trucost reported to the United Nations about all of the terrible damage done by plastics: the greenhouse gas emissions; the lack of biodegradability; and the gigantic masses of junk clogging up the Pacific Ocean, international waters that should be used for competitive banking heir slapfighting and floating Furry cuddle parties.

The report concluded that corporate persons should take steps to reduce plastic usage and not be wasteful pricks.

But just this week, Trucost issued a report extolling the virtue of plastics and claiming that "switching from plastic to other materials, such as glass, paper, aluminum, and steel, would nearly quadruple the environmental cost."

Well color me translucent and fill me with corn syrup! You know who has to be excited about this? The American Chemistry Council, who must be ecstatic with the report that they paid for. However, this alleged conflict of interest caused many incredulous reactions from competing lobbying groups.

"Hogwash," said the glass manufacturers. "We're made from sand, not gross chem stuff." (But you're also heavier and take more fossil fuel to transport.)

"But paper, my good man. We decompose!" (Yes, but crying trees ...)

And don't forget the aluminum can people!

Matt Meenan, a spokesman for the Aluminum Association, said aluminum cans can be transported and cooled with less energy than plastic bottles require, which saves energy.

How does he know? The group is preparing a report that says so.

We rate Trucost as A+ professionally capable of solid corporate spin. We would also like to publish our own short and sweet report, concluding that maybe we should try not destroying and consuming all of the things.

Marissa Mayer shatters glass ceiling with weight of enormous severance

It wasn't long ago that former Yahoo! CEO Marissa Mayer was telling people they could have it all -- "all" being limited paternity leave, an insane work schedule, and all of the fun household and child-rearing chores. It was even less long ago when Mayer made management use the term "remix" instead of "layoff," and the company was promptly sued for improper layoff by a bunch of remixed workers.

Last week, Verizon announced it's purchasing Yahoo! for a cool $5 billion. Many expect this to lead to Mayer's termination (to use a conventional term). Some consider her run a failure. Others feel problems at Yahoo! ran much deeper and she was destined to fail. A few dudes probably feel this is just another reason why you can't let women be corporate executives or drive a car. Whatever your opinion of Mayer, one thing is certain: when she's forced out she's going to be 'F You' rich. Fortune estimates her severance, all things included, to be worth $123 million.

Just two years ago, ousted Yahoo! CEO Henrique de Castro received a mere $60 million .

So kudos to Marissa Mayer. One small step for women. One Giant Golden Parachute for womankind.

Sword brandished after ancient Code of Pizza Rolls is violated

What $3 dollar consumer good nearly caused bloodshed this week? If you guessed Totino's frozen, processed pizza rolls, you win (but really, DO you?). In any event, the real victor is referred to as Tenant A -- Travis Vartorella of Norwalk, Ohio, who defended his personal property rights, which are the most cherished of all the American rights.

Trystan Mesenburg (Tenant B) moved out of the shared apartment but forgot some of his things back at the crib. And then, like so many before him, couldn't withstand the pull of Totino's temptation:

Mesenburg told cops that after arriving at the darkened apartment with his girlfriend, they began gathering up his items. “As soon as I grabbed my bag of pizza rolls,” Mesenburg told cops, Vartorella “came out from around the corner” with a three-foot sword.

With the weapon in his hands, Vartorella claimed ownership of the frozen treats and demanded that Mesenburg “leave his fucking pizza rolls alone”

While Vartorella, who also possessed a six-foot samurai sword and a machete, was charged with aggravated menacing, the police report indirectly supports his claim to the fucking pizza rolls. Finally some vindication for the young man already on the sex offender registry for providing pornography to an underage girl he met online. Mesenburg and his girlfriend both secured temporary protection orders against his former roommate and that's probably a good idea.

[ Bloomberg / The Smoking Gun / NY Times ]