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He seems nice.
I am a deeply stupid man.

Did you all hear the yooooge news, that Donald Trump is going to make an official announcement at 11 a.m. Friday of the name of the poor soul who will go down in flames with him in November as his running mate? It’s true and so ‘sciting! And the internet got even more So ‘Scited on Thursday, when the New York Times and other sources said SPOILER ALERT AND TRIGGER WARNING, it is going to be idiot dummy dickbeast Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, who is very stupid and terrible.

Is it actually going to be Mike Pence? Yes! Unless the answer is no and Trump is just misdirecting the nation’s attention so we can be doubleplus shocked when he picks a human hybrid of his hot daughter Ivanka and Omarosa from TV’s “The Apprentice.” (This is what the Wonkette Editrix thinks, again, because she is pretty much a conspiracy theorist for real.)

If it IS Mike Pence, we can already report that Barry O’Bamzalot, the American president, is thrilled with Trump’s choice:

pence

LOL-lerskates, it is funny because expanding Medicaid helps the poors, and that is like the eighth deadly sin for Republicans!

Anyway, maybe it is not Mike Pence — a bunch of Republicans already HATE the idea! But assuming that it is, let’s reintroduce ourselves to him for the first time, and find out what a bag of stale Snausages and limp ferret dicks he really is in real life:

He is a paste-eating bigot on gay issues, by which we mean he hates gays and is also a very stupid man.

Does everyone remember in the olden timey days of 2015, when bullshit Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) laws became all the rage, because of the coming gay marriage throatcramming? It was very necessary because Jesus-loving cake bakers and pizza makers (like these Indiana ones!) were being LITERALLY HOLOCAUSTED by the homosexuals, who to this day demand Christians give them pizza and cake whenever their gay asses want it.

Well! Mike Pence was at the forefront of the movement to rip the pizza and cake outta those homos’ mouths, signing an insane RFRA bill that he admitted he didn’t even fucking understand. Seriously, it was evident in his defense of the law to ABC’s George Snuffleupagus that he had NO GOSHDAMN IDEA what the law would do, aside from vague notions like “protecting religious freedom” or whatever. (That would be the freedom of wingnut Christians to discriminate against people they think are icky, like gays.)

Of course, that made everybody make fun of Pence, and it also incited an intergalactic backlash against his flyover state, and corporations threatened to pull out of Indiana prematurely, depriving the state — and other states trying the same shit — of sweet, sweet taxpayer moneys.

Why did he sign the law anyway? Oh, just because he hangs out with some of the most unsavory, undesirable right-wing Christians in the entire nation. (And also ‘cuz he dumb.)

In the end, his law wasn’t going to fly, so his legislature — and also too Arkansas’s legislature, which went through this the same week — passed “fixed” versions of the RFRA laws that guaranteed they wouldn’t discriminate.

But Mike Pence, who is dumb, still hates the gays pretty good, and has been trying to come up with ways to discriminate against them ever since.

He is a misogynistic pork snorkel from the pits of hell, by which we mean he’s not a fan of letting ladies make their own bodily decisions.

Once upon a time (this year, in March) Mike Pence signed a wild and crazy new anti-abortion bill that banned all the racist, sexist mommies from aborting their babies in the sex-selective or race-selective way. He acted like it was an anti-discrimination bill! The bill did other stuff, also too, which we wrote about a couple weeks back when a mean federal judge struck it down for the filth it is:

Among other gross things, it requires counseling on “perinatal hospice care” for those who are considering abortions due to lethal fetal abnormalities (like when the kid is going to be born with a brain outside its skull and will only live for 20 minutes of excruciating pain); bans abortions based on sex, race or genetic abnormalities like Down’s Syndrome or Tay-Sachs; requires someone seeking an abortion to watch an ultrasound and listen to a fetal heartbeat 18 hours before obtaining an abortion; and makes it a Level 5 felony to donate fetal tissue or accept donations of fetal tissue.

The fact is, this law would absolutely violate the privacy and doctor-patient privilege of those seeking abortions, by requiring doctors to inform on patients the government believes are getting abortions for the wrong reasons.

Thanks, Wonkette, for that helpful summary!

But you might be thinking, “Maybe he is just dumb and only did a bad lady-hating thing that one time.” PFFFFFFT U R DUMB. Mike Pence hates Planned Parenthood. In fact, according to a press release from Planned Parenthood itself, his “crusade” against the organization went so far as to shut down one of its clinics in Scott County, Indiana, “a rural county in the midst of an HIV epidemic, leaving no other access to [HIV] testing and counseling.” What a good idea that surely was, and very fiscally responsible!

No for real, when he was in Congress, he said this about defunding Planned Parenthood and stuff:

“To those who say we should focus on fiscal issues, instead of the right to life, I say, ‘What is more fiscally responsible than rolling back this administration’s effort to expand funding for abortion at home and abroad?’ What is more fiscally responsible than denying any and all funding to Planned Parenthood of America?”

Dick.

He is a total cocksnort toward Syrian refugees

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just like every other dumbass bigoted Republican governor in US America (except Utah!!), but it’s worth pointing out.

He hates the poors too, quelle surprise.

What good is a Republican governor if he doesn’t hate the poors REAL good? Now sure, the White House DID troll him for accepting Medicaid expansion money, but don’t worry, he has done other stuff to fuck poors right in their arses. Like yanking away their food stamps if they don’t have jobs — jobs that may or may not exist in the great state of Indiana, but DETAILS!

Or that one time he yanked $3.5 million from Indiana’s Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program, so he could give it to a fake-ass “crisis pregnancy center.” You know, those clinics that don’t actually provide healthcare for women, but try to guilt them out of having abortions with false information and propaganda? Ooh, ooh! This story could have gone under the abortion heading OR the fuck the poors heading. Mike Pence knows how to multi-task with his ignorant fuck-waffle-ry!

What else? Surely Mike Pence is dumb at other things too!

Um, obviously. Buzzfeed found some hilarious op-eds Pence wrote back in the day, on topics ranging from “smoking actually doesn’t kill” to “George Washington was a Republican.” Dipshit say what? Don’t miss his brilliant article about why people loved the movie Titanic so much because that boat banging into that iceberg was a deep metaphor that somehow correlated to Americans newfound love of gayness and abortion. Yeeeeeah.

In summary and in conclusion …

Fuck Mike Pence. And also congratulations to Mike Pence, if he is Donald Trump’s running mate! That is the highest achievement he will ever have in life, after which point he will just have to go back to his normal life, of being a dumpster fire of dumbfuck.

The end.

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  • exinkwretch

    Hail Mary move from Trump, hoping Things Go Better with Koch!

    • Nounverb911

      Did Tim Tebow show Trump how to throw the Hail Mary?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Directly into the secondary, yup!

      • Mr. Blobfish

        Tebow was just intercepted buying his plane ticket to Cleveland.

      • Erik Lonnrot

        Ha! Tebow throw!

    • BadKitty904

      Sounds kinda…Catholicy to me.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Rumor has it Pence was the Trump kids’ idea. They are supposed to be calling the shots for the campaign because they’re the only people Donald will listen to.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The man is an embarrassment to stupid people everywhere of all well below normal IQs.

  • FlownOver

    Didn’t the name used to be Hartpence?

    What? Who?

    Nevermind.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I <3 U.

  • Nounverb911
    • Angela Ruzzo

      Look at his mouth in that picture. Just the mouth. He could be George W. Bush. It’s uncanny.

      • Yes, but can he sing and dance through the battle hymn of the republic?

  • Nounverb911

    “He is a misogynistic pork snorkel from the pits of hell”
    Didn’t Joni Ernst cut off his balls?

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    That is one white, white man.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They take “cream of the party” a little too literally in the GOP.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Oh, my mind is reeling with dick jokes right now…

        • GoutMachine

          Must … not … make … second … Santorum … reference …

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “We are considering suing for copyright infringement.”
      — Albinos

  • OneYieldRegular

    “Feed the angry birds, Trump/Pence a bag, Trump/Pence, Trump/Pence, Trump/Pence a bag.”

    • H0mer0

      “all though you can’t see them, you know they are smiling, each time someone shows that they care.
      Feed the poor, trumpence a bag….”

  • bubbuhh

    Trumpence gonna jump the snark, jes U wait n see

  • mackafritz

    He can’t pick someone who’s actually smarter than him. Thus this dimwit.

    • Objectifer

      Also, too, he’s the only one dumb enough to take the gig.

      • Nounverb911

        Chris Christie libelZ!

        • anwisok

          He gets A.G.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Transportation Secretary.

          • anwisok

            or . . . SCOTUS?

  • Nounverb911
    • GoutMachine

      “Policy differences” implies Drumpf has, like, policies, as opposed to incoherent, racist tweets.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, he sort of has that as an actual positive over Teh Donald.

    • BearGHAZI

      Maybe he thinks SWEDEN should pay for the wall

      • GoutMachine

        To be built by the bikini team, no doubt.

        • Msgr_Moment

          If there are tickets, I’ll help finance it.

    • Querolous

      Where is his American Flag lapel pin?

  • BadKitty904

    Dude sounds overqualified to be tRump’s VP, if anything…

  • Angela Ruzzo

    What a face he has. It’s like the poster face for WASP Rich Man.

    • GoutMachine

      AKA the cover of Punchable Face Weekly.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Rafael Cruz and Sean Hannity libelz!

    • bobbert

      As the possessor of an old WASP (but not rich) guy face, I invite you to consider his awful political positions instead.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Oh I have, I assure you, but it’s hard to get past that face.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Yes but does he have Ivanka’s good looks?

  • arglebargle

    So, Trump is good for something as Pence has to withdraw his name from the ballot to be reelected governor.

    • Mary Sandoras

      He was in a tight race too.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Also rans reflect on why Pence got the nod instead of them:

    “If Trump had asked, I would have bleached my hair. My thick head of luxurious hair because I’m not balding in any way.”
    — Scott Walker

    “If Trump had asked, frankly, I would have used smaller words, a self-imposed embargo on pretentious sesquipedalianism, as it were.”
    — Newt Gingrich

    “If only Trump had asked, I would have lost some weight…aww who am I kidding. Anybody up for Dairy Queen run?”
    — Chris Christie

    • calliecallie

      “If Trump had asked…..zzzzz”
      — Dr. Ben Carson

      • Querolous

        “If Trump had asked…you betcha”–S. Palin

  • Droogs

    I’ll be shocked if Trump sticks with one VP pick between now and November. If the first VP pick offends him, he’ll kick the guy out in a Twitter tirade. Then people will have to get new yard signs made, probably with a blank line where you write in the current running mate’s name, since it’s subject to change.

    • Mr. Blobfish

      I don’t think that’s ever been done, but it is an unconventional campaign. Why the fuck not? Sue the guy, too.

      • Amy!

        Thomas Eagleton (q.v.). Although that was because McGovern’s campaign failed to vet him properly.

        • bobbert

          That was a fucking disaster. IMO, Eagleton’s fault.

    • GoutMachine

      Louie Gohmert in the on-deck circle…

      • Droogs

        Oh, the horror! Then Louie pisses him off and gets kicked to the curb. Next up: Steve King!

        • GoutMachine

          Talk about long national nightmare…

    • Dry erase boards are the way to go.

  • Crystalclear12

    Trump/Pence-the dumpster fire ticket-you can still feel the burn for 2016!

  • TJ Barke

    He seems nice like a total and utter wanker.

  • Msmlg1979

    You, Sir, are no Joe Biden.

    • Beanz&Berryz

      I saw OHJ speak live once, at a not-very-large event. Wow. That guy is great. Knowledgeable. Personable. Playful. And clear and direct in making political arguments.

  • Spotts1701

    Triumph of the Dull.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I was sometimes blunt, but never dull.”
      — Joe Biden

      • Msgr_Moment

        Blunt, yet to the point.

    • TJ Barke

      Triumph of the mentally ill.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Triumpf of the Derp.
      Triumpf of the Dweebs.
      Triumpf of the (very small) Dorks.

      • H0mer0

        one dork to rool them all!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “Uteri are too important to be entrusted to silly, emotional womenfolk.”
    — Mike Pence

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Also, too, sluts MUST be punished.” — Mike Pence.

      • TJ Barke

        I’d like to punish some sluts. Oh yes. Punish them all night long…

      • Msgr_Moment

        And after the spanking…….

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    My advice to Democrats: make fun of him if you must (you must), but save the heavy artillery for the guy who’s hiring him for VP running mate.

  • BearGHAZI

    I am a big, YOOGE sodomite, and I am coming for your cake. All of it. Mike Pence cannot protect you.

    • BadKitty904

      I am a small, “fun-sized” sodomite, and *I* am coming after your pizza! ALL your pepperonis are MINE!!1! Eat spam, Mike Pence!

      • Paganish

        Quick! Hide the salami! ;)

      • bobbert

        You do have a way with words. While I am pretty definitely straight/too old to matter, “fun-sized sodomite” is gonna stick with me.

        • BadKitty904

          (lol Based on a comment by my 6’2″ ex, when I was grousing about being such a runt – “No, tiger, you’re ‘fun-sized’…“)

          *purrs*

  • TJ Barke
    • Mr. Blobfish

      So, he’s a moderate?

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Also too: We should thank Trump for rounding out the ticket which was lacking a credible anti-homo representative.

    Trump/Pence: because we hate everybody but old white dudes.

    • anwisok

      With money. Old white dudes with money. No money, no love.

      • TJ Barke

        The most dangerous gang of all, Old White Money.

  • bubbuhh

    Wait! TrumPence isn’t “a dumpster fire of dumbfuck?” Must be a double dumbfuckery afire then

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Think an armada of dumpster fires.

  • Ricky Gay

    one pence none the richer

  • TheGrandWaz00

    The sussed Pence is killing me.

    • BadKitty904

      It’s making me Pence-sive.

      • vivian

        I refuse to participate without recompense.

    • BearGHAZI

      I don’t care twoPence for another pun thread

    • Painter of Goats

      I don’t think we can spare any ex-Pence.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Do you disPencesation for starting a pun thread?

  • schmannity

    A Vice President from Indiana? I knew Dan Quayle. Dan Quayle was not a friend of mine. Governor, you are Dan Quayle.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      no, different kind of stupid.

      • Msgr_Moment

        It’s a dry stupid.

        Naw, you’ll still feel it.

      • bobbert

        Stupide?

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    This is a fitting conclusion to his political “career”.

  • Droogs

    If he picks Pence, it will be T/P 2016.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They really need to stop handing us ridiculously easy memes like that.

      • anwisok

        No. No, they don’t. LOL

      • sw19womble

        T/P mascot:

        • Donald E Niman

          Before I put my glasses on I thought that was a depiction of Erect Pense doing a saguaro impersonation.

          After I put my glasses on, I realized how much I would rather have Beavis and Butthead in office than whatever the GOP dredges up from the depths of Hell’s Cesspit.

          • H0mer0

            yeah, I actually found them (Beavis and Butthead) kinda likeable and funny, unlike T/P.

    • Nounverb911

      Their new logo?

      • FauxAntocles

        Used T/P?

        • OneYieldRegular

          And so Trump has given Cleveland protestors a new non-violent way to protest.

    • schmannity

      T/P opposes TPP.

    • Ezio

      Coming this November

      Dumb and Dumber 3: Road to the White House

    • schmannity

      I love the Dingleballs
      –T/P

    • BadKitty904

      sTrumpPence ’16!

    • Paganish

      Hillary will totally wipe them away

    • Msgr_Moment
      • Gayer Than Thou

        Let me just tell one place where I absolutely do NOT want Trump’s finger…

        • TeeRaak

          I can think of MANY places I don’t want Trump’s finger, but the most dangerous to 3+ Billion people is on the nuclear football.

          Ever heard of suicide by cop?

          This crazy fucker could do suicide by thermonuclear warfare. I believe he’s that hot tempered.

          Face it, Conservatives are willing to destroy the planet slowly because they don’t want to admit cc is manmade (primarily).

          They might actually enjoy it. Disaster Capitalism.

          Trillions and trillions are being saved now by Rich people. They could invest it and stimulate the economy. But they won’t. Why?

          What are they waiting for?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “By choosing a VP from from Indiana, I am showing the Obama Administration how to stand up to Pakistana.”
    — Donald Trump

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      ISWYDT.

    • Nounverb911

      Isn’t it time to give Indiana back to India?

      • vivian

        na.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      East Turkmenastana as well, also, too.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Roseanne Roseannadanna?

  • Nounverb911

    Has Pence gotten his vaccinations for the trip to NY for the announcement yet?

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      I think they de-wormed him.

    • Painter of Goats

      I would suggest Hoof ‘n Mouth but it obviously hasn’t had any effect on Trump.

    • Msgr_Moment

      That’s a real conundrum. Go with the anti-homo vaccine and risk getting autism?

  • Msmlg1979

    I had a premonition Hillary will pick someone better.

    • anwisok

      She could certainly do worse, but it would take some effort.

      • Spotts1701

        True, but I don’t think the legally dead can be nominated.

        • I Only Like Cats

          I don’t think the dead could do so much harm (the smell however…)

        • Logic of Color

          How ’bout the gratefully dead?

        • Lamashtar

          A worse dead Democrat? Andrew Jackson, perhaps?

    • Bill Slider

      The Senator from Virginia is no crown jewel either. These two likely picks are safe candidates. They won’t challenge the one in front of them. They are life insurance policies for the President. For anyone interested in killing a President who realizes who then becomes President, improves the likelihood that they won’t attempt to kill the President.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Tim Kaine helps us in the “border states,” he’s got some liberal aspects, and he’ll be replaced in the Senate with a Dem if McAuliffe can stay out of jail. Not perfect, but definitely not awful.

    • handyhippie65

      i should hope so.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …geez, Evan!!! I just got home and had my First, Second 3rd drink and you are dropping heavy shit on me already bro?!?!

  • anwisok

    Does he have to resign as Gov to run for VP? Assuming that we don’t all lose our collective mind and elect Trump, that would at least mean that he wouldn’t be destroying his state anymore, right?

    • Mr. Blobfish

      Not resign, but can’t campaign for Gov.

    • arglebargle

      Not sure if he has to resign, but he can’t run for a second term if his name is not on the (state) ballot tomorrow.

    • BMW

      He doesn’t have to resign, but Indiana law doesn’t let him run for 2 office at the same time, and he is up for re-election this fall.

    • handyhippie65

      oh sweet frickin jeebus’ zombie peen, i sincerely hope so.

  • calliecallie

    So it’s not just the GOP presidents that get worse every time? Is it also the Veep candidates? Dumber than Sarah Palin? That is a tough call.

    • schmannity

      UNPOSSIBLE!!

      • sw19womble

        *cue HRC announcing DWS as VP*

        • schmannity

          GAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGG

        • bobbert

          Okay, you’re mean.

          BTW, I’m sorry I didn’t look you up for a lemonade while I was in London last month.

    • handyhippie65

      nah, he was smart enough to keep sucking on the sweet gubernment tit, instead of quitting like a common palin.

  • LarryHoudini

    “Those things aren’t defects, they’re features!”
    —Republicans everywhere

    • Nounverb911

      So republicanism is a feature not a bug?

      • LarryHoudini

        Hmmm, forgot the correct phrasing. Do I edit?

      • TJ Barke

        For America? Definitely a bug.

  • Mr. Blobfish

    How soon before Pence quits?

    • Nounverb911

      Half a Palin unit of time.

    • BadKitty904

      Not soon enough.

      • handyhippie65

        i’m sayin.

        • BadKitty904

          • handyhippie65

            i lurve that kitteh.

          • BadKitty904

            Kitteh has HAD it with these Teatard assholes.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Claire McCaskill nailed it this morning – saying essentially that because Trump is so stupefyingly shallow and narcissistic he’ll pick Pence because he radiates old rich white guy handsomeness and is not mentally equipped to challenge him on anything.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The ball is going to need a visa, because she knocked it clear to South America.

    • handyhippie65

      as a hoosier, i can agree with that.

    • Lamashtar

      Its hard to grasp that Newt Gingrich is too smart for Trump to be comfortable with.

      • Amy!

        Newt Gingrich, famously, is “a stupid man’s idea of an intelligent man.” Trump clearly thinks Newt’s smarter than Trump is.

        • bobbert

          He’s probably right.

  • cousin itt

    I liked Pence better when he was known as Baldrick.

    • TJ Barke

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Is that a joke about my hair?
      — Rick Scott

    • BadKitty904

      I’m not sure this mannequin come with a Cunning Plan.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cunning plans. They’re everywhere!

    • Beaumarchais?

      I’ll like him better as Yorick.

    • Groundloop

      Like Baldrick, for Pence, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “My number one criteria in a VP is I wanted someone who had never murdered someone and gotten away with it. You know…in case they got tempted. That’s something I learned at Wharton. Anyway, a person like that is surprisingly hard to find at the top levels of the GOP.”
    — Donald Trump

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Wharton Community has apparently taken exception to Teh Donald.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        When you’ve lost the Business Schools, wow…

    • schmannity

      cough*Scarborough*cough

  • Fartknocker

    For a guy who was in DC for twelve years, he was only able to get one bill out of a fucking Committee. Talk about someone who loves the taxpayer titty. As my dad said, he’s as useless as teets on boar hog.

    https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/browse?sponsor=400315&subject=5978#current_status%5B%5D=3&bill_type%5B%5D=3&terms=__ALL__

    http://www.bloomberg.com/politics/articles/2016-07-13/mike-pence-s-record-scrutinized-ahead-of-trump-running-mate-decision

    • arglebargle

      As much use as the Pope’s balls, as Hitchens liked to say.

      • ViveLaRes

        Two people I really wish were still with us: Christopher Hitchens and Molly Ivins.

        • BrianW

          Definitely upvoted for Molly Ivins!

  • calliecallie

    I hear the blaring sound of TrumPence in the distance.

    • BadKitty904

      They sure do blow.

    • redarmyzombie

      TrumPence sounds like the name of some horrible venereal disease…

  • Nounverb911

    THIS CONSPIRACY THEORY JUST IN:
    I read on the internets that the Koch Boyz will the Donnie a billion or two if he wins and then quits, getting their boy into to the white house after all.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      It’s insane, but it might just work! No really – it’s the Koch’s best shot this year so why not give it a college try?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “And they said I had no plan for covering the damages in that Trump University lawsuit.”
      — Donald Trump

    • Msgr_Moment

      I’d think a hitman would be waaaay cheaper. I’m beginning to doubt their prowess as businessmen.

  • BadKitty904

    You mean this guy, right?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Jesus would have. Mammon, of course, would not.

    • Paganish

      According to your book Bucko, Jesus did so repeatedly, and with relish

      • BadKitty904

        What book?” ~ Mike Pence

    • UnsaltedSinnerinMotion

      Read the damn book, Christians…

      • BadKitty904

        And…

    • handyhippie65

      not all of indiana. if this pile of toad shit had ever actually read the book he want’s to impose on everyone, he would find out jeebus mostly hung out with sinners, as they were the ones most in need of his help. i’d like to share the wealth of derp he is with all of you, but i have some compassion.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      I’m a fucking atheist, I tried to read the bible once but I fucking fell asleep during all those boring fucking lists of begatting, and even I fucking know that Jesus considered us all sinners, and fucking said, right there, in one of his most famous scenes, “let him who is without sin cast the first stone” you complete and utter, utter fucking idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!

      • Shan the Libtart

        Whoah, I thought Jay was back for a second there.

        • Lefty Frizzell

          Hahahahaha! Well the guy is basing his entire life’s work on a philosophy he has so completely misunderstood, at its most fundamental level, that I feel it’s worth some emphasis. I seriously don’t think I’ve ever read anything so stupid…

      • BadKitty904

        ‘Cause it’s LOTS easier to say you’re a Xian than…you know…actually be one.

    • bobbert

      Is that a literal quote? It’s insane, even for a Christian.

      • BadKitty904

        Apparently a verbal quote from March 2015. Interesting, in that it clearly illustrates:

        a.) Mike Pence has never read the Xian Scriptures or, if he did, was too ignorant/bigoted to understand them;
        b.) the hypocrisy of the Teapublicans is literally unmeasurable.

  • sw19womble

    Yep. Boris Johnson doesn’t look quite so bad, suddenly, right? :p

    (Bojo is still terrible)

    • Jon Sussex

      He’s still an American, right?

  • Trump is trying to pence America? [img]http://i.imgur.com/14EYAP1.gif[/img]

  • Bill Slider

    In other words, he is Dan Quayle lite..Let that soak in.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Wafa thin?

    • sw19womble

      So shallow that it only took a few seconds.

    • JMP

      So when does he pick a fight with a fictional character, and lose?

    • handyhippie65

      no, he is dan quayle on steroids. he is a full on puddle of dick spit. if trump wants him, he can keep him. i say no returns. i am tired of voting against him.

    • SnarkTank

      I have heard him described as Scott Walker without the dye job. I liked that for some reason.

  • Scooby

    I don’t know. There’s something Dennis Hastert like about him.

    • Msmlg1979

      Is it the sense of entitlement to other people’s bodies?

    • anwisok

      Oh, now wouldn’t it be nice for THAT to be an October surprise!

  • schmannity

    I am popping a silo full of corn for the Warren/Pence VP debates. I wonder if Pence can do a war whoop like Howie Carr.

    • sw19womble

      Warren Pence. Unlike the book, it’ll be over in seconds.

  • Paganish

    |Does anyone remember in the olden-timey days of 2015 with Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) laws became all the rage…?|

    Well said Evan…all the rage was aimed at Pence!

  • UnsaltedSinnerinMotion

    I feel a bit worried when I see that National Review doesn’t like this pick. Given “Sparklepants” Lowry’s past record in such matters, Pencementum could be just around the corner.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The toadies will fall into line. It’s what the vile maggots do.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        When you believe Hillary is the literal embodiment of Satan, liberals are eating your children, and BLM and ISIS are teaming up to destroy America, then an unstable hand on the nuclear button probably doesn’t seem so bad.

      • BadKitty904

        The GOP will do, say, and support *A*N*Y*one – including Satan himself – that will keep them in power.

  • Me not sure

    “Indiana star, that’s what I are”.

  • BadKitty904

    Trump and Trumper…

    • Beaumarchais?

      Well, now we know who gets to play Boris Johnson in Armageddon II. Which is ripe for a sequel.

      • BadKitty904

        Hmm. Nice casting!

  • Nounverb911
  • Electric Ukulele Land

    Commenced the Trumpencing has?

  • Nounverb911

    Wait! Does this make Mike the head Trumpencee?
    (I’ll leave now)

  • Suse

    Can a former presnit serve as a vice presnit?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Only a loosing looser like 41.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Strictly speaking yes, as the requirements for VP are basically nonexistent. If POTUS dies or resigns, though, it could set up a pretty nasty nomination fight; and VP noms, iirc, go through the House.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      From wikipedia:

      Under the Twenty-second Amendment, the President of the United States may not be elected to more than two terms. However, there is no similar such limitation as to how many times one can be elected vice president. Scholars disagree whether a former president barred from election to the presidency is also ineligible to be elected or appointed vice president, as suggested by the Twelfth Amendment. The issue has never been tested in practice.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vice_President_of_the_United_States#Disqualifications

  • Speaking of paste-eating bigots, this billboard just went up in Cleveland near the convention center:

    http://ww4.hdnux.com/photos/50/17/31/10548863/4/920×920.jpg

    http://www.towleroad.com/2016/07/billboard-trump-cruz-kiss/

    • Suse

      Wow! Truly wonderful! How long before someone tears it down?

      • Msgr_Moment

        It’ll be gone with the firebombing.

        • TeeRaak

          “We never could have imagined…”

    • BadKitty904

      Nice sentiment, but…ew.

    • TJ Barke

      That’s gonna grind some gears.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The grindr the better

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      That billboard makes me less likely to support gay marriage…it’s just disturbing.

    • The Wanderer

      The more disturbing, the better, as far as I’m concerned. Does it face the convention center?

    • Gayer Than Thou

      You know what also just went up? My lunch.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Pence?! How dare you?!! The Wonkette must remain forever Pence-optional!

    • Beaumarchais?

      Today, none of us are wearing Pence.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    A really good “6 Wives of” joke is going to waste. I feel cheated !

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Captain Edward John Smith: “Men, we have saved as many of the passengers as we could, and now we face the end together. It’s been a privilege to serve with you. History will remember Titanic as…”

    [Time Machine materializes. Mike Pence steps out.]

    Pence: “I just wanted to reassure you all that history will remember you.”

    Smith: “For our courage and self-sacrifice.”

    Pence: “Nah. As a confused metaphor about how homosexuality is bad, or something, I forget the details. But very…”

    Smith: [Throws Pence overboard] “Right. It appears we have another lifeboat. Let’s see if we can find one more passenger to send into safety in the future. Given how stupid those future people seem to be, someone from our time should thrive there.”

  • Nockular cavity

    “Give ’em the bird
    Trump/Pence: the bird
    Trump/Pence, Trump/Pence
    Give ’em the bird”

  • MarkM

    “Like yanking away their food stamps if they don’t have jobs — jobs that may or may not exist in the great state of Indiana, but DETAILS!”

    Why, under Pence’s astute, business friendly stewardship, businesses are eager to expand their operations in the great state of Indiana! Jobs are available to everyone who wants to work, so you know if someone is applying for food stamps, they are just deadbeat takers and leeches! It’s an incontrovertible REPUBLICAN FACT!
    http://www.salon.com/2016/07/09/its_getting_hot_in_indianapolis_corporate_greed_moves_2100_more_american_jobs_to_mexico/

    • TJ Barke

      Warning: Republican Facts may have no bearing on actual facts.

      • MarkM

        It’s one of those truism thingies…

  • BadKitty904

    Is it just me or does Pence look like he’s wearing a mask made from an actual human face?

    • MarkM

      He’s REALLY white too…I mean, if he was any whiter he could be Johnny and Edgar Winter’s stupid kid brother…the one they had to tie up in the back yard with a helmet on until he was about sixteen…

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Then it is fitting he is running with the GOP Frankenstein.

        • MarkM

          That would be good intro music for the ticket….but seriously,
          he needs to make an appointment with Drumpf’s spray tan guy.

          • beatbort

            Or he looks like the Roy Batty replicant from Bladerunner after having inhabited the body of an assistant vice president at the First National Bank of Pawnee, Indiana.

          • MarkM

            I want to hear him make this concession speech…

            https://youtu.be/9hDo80ddn4Q

      • bobbert

        Just because I’m drunkish, and kind of wired, I have to mention that I am also very white, but I am not Mike Pence. I invite you to focus on his execrable record as a politician

    • Buzz1313

      HAH! You are too funny!

    • redarmyzombie

      Jeepers, creepers, where’d he get those peepers?

      • MarkM

        We KNOW his brain came out of a jar marked “abnormal”.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      He does look a bit like the monster from “Jeepers Creepers” doesn’t he?

    • Hairstrike Alpha
    • Droogs

      Trey Gowdy has the same pasty, reflective skin. Alien hybrids? Androids? Somebody call Alex Jones, these people aren’t natural.

      • BadKitty904

        They’re…”not from around here.

        • Msgr_Moment

          a square little fella

          • bobbert

            Now, that’s an obscure reference (among normal people).

      • Candy Apple

        Lizard people.

    • tehbaddr

      Just like Trump’s son, he’s a wraith!

      • BadKitty904

        I could certainly see that guy haunting some desolate barrow…

  • lucidamente
    • Beaumarchais?

      Yup—loved that guy. Thanks for the link.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    “Idiot Dummy Dickbeast” is the name of my Rammstein-Metallica-polka fusion band.

  • BMW

    As a congressman, did Pence ever vote for any of those trade deals or military actions Trump has made his (alegged) opposition to a centerpiece of his campaign?

  • Yr. Gma

    I’m with Editrix on this one.

    • cheetojeebus

      It’s not so much 11 dimension chess as an old garage sale version of Candy land with some pieces missing.

  • kindness

    So….Pence is Sarah Palin without the lady lumps then? How am I supposed to masturbate to that????

    • TJ Barke

      Squint hard?

    • Eileen Mary Kenny

      My mom says he looks like a “barbie doll man” whatever that means

    • JMP

      Except that, when Palin gets confused she just starts speakin’ the word salad that makes no sense with the talkin’ and the nonsening, with Pence he . . . just . . . stares . . . into . . . space.

  • redarmyzombie

    Dumpster Fire of Dumbfuck is totes the name of my new metal band.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Screaming Carrot Demon/Idiot Dummy Dickbeast 2016 has a special flare to it….a type of verbal symmetry.

    • TJ Barke

      Epic lol at screaming carrot demon.

    • Doug Langley

      Flaming Carrot libelz!!!

  • Robert Weiler

    I suspect that Trump confused Mike Pence with Hunter Pence who might well make a good VP even if he can’t parallel park and eats pizza with a fork. Also he has a regular day job for at least 1/2 the year which I think is something every VP should do so they aren’t just hanging around waiting for POTUS to die, which is morbid.

    • bobbert

      Hunter eats pizza with a fork? Damn.

  • Flashman

    This report is Pulitzer material.

  • Toomush_Infer

    But he won’t upstage Drumpf, so there’s that…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Very important consideration. Hugely. Bigly.

    • BadKitty904

      Not while Lil’ Donnie draws breath, he sure won’t.

  • BMW
    • BadKitty904

      Speaking for myself…

  • RoyalUglyDudeness

    Ha ha this worsens Trump’s chances of carrying Indiana.

  • beatbort

    Excellent management skills, Donnie. Pick a guy who is a third-string wingnut whom few people have heard of, from a state that no sane person would visit unless you were required to drive through it (or if you enjoy the fictionalized version on Parks & Recreation, though all of those characters are got damn liberals) and who looks like a game show host. Can’t wait to see the Cabinet picks. No, yes I can. Wait, that is. Hopefully forever.

    • Candy Apple

      At least it’s not fucking Newt fucking Gingrich? I mean, they’re both horrible, but Newt is just…so much more.

    • MarkM

      Keep on scoring those own goals Donny….

  • andybrwn

    Ought not the headline read: “An Idiot”?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Not at this mommyblog. It’s a shibboleth.

      • chimichanga

        Dammit. I’ve seen that West Wing episode twenty times and still have to look that up.

      • bobbert

        Sibboleth. Oh, wait.

    • Candy Apple

      That’s from Wonkette’s in-house stylebook.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Please refer to your manual, Article XII, Section 1.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          IIRC that’s one of the Articles Teh Donald said he’d uphold and defend.

    • vivian

      Correct. It ought not.

    • Msgr_Moment

      What part of “A Idiot” don’t you understand?

  • Beaumarchais?

    Uh oh, this means Trump is going after the white male asshole vote!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m shocked, shocked!

      “Your douchecanoe, sir”

    • Ezio

      He’s been going for that vote since day 1. And simple-minded white guys fall for it hook, line and sinker because facts and logic make them angry.

      • Tony Alexander

        as well as jooz, kullards and homaseckzulz!

  • Candy Apple

    BBC reporting it’s Mike Pence for sure.

  • limberrat

    Off for the weekend! See all of you Monday!

    • Ezio

      Your comment made me think it was Friday.

      • OppressedMass

        That’s just mean.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Slacker! Have fun, and don’t wear any pants.

  • Shan the Libtart

    That fukkin guy makes my uterus want to drag itself to Indiana and garotte him with my fallopian tubes.

    • BadKitty904

      How…vivid.

    • Candy Apple

      Bleeding out of your wherevers, that’s just like a woman!

      • MarkM

        Nobody feels any pain….

    • Marla

      Bit extreme.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Man, your uterus has a MEAN STREAK.

      • Shan the Libtart

        It’s VERY ANGRY with Pence and people like him.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          I would pay real cash money to see a mashup of The Incredible Hulk and your uterus. That is a superhero America needs.

          • Donald E Niman

            I don’t know if I would want to see it but I would pay good money to bring Garrison Keillor back from retirement to do a radio enactment.

          • Shan the Libtart

            I’m seeing less Hulk and more Deadpool.

          • Lamashtar

            I have John Carpenter’s The Thing in mind..

          • Shan the Libtart

            If only more GOP legislators had our imagination.

            Oh, wait. They do.

    • Astraea

      No need to drag itself. I’ll drive.

      • Shan the Libtart

        Bless you! In that case, I’ll just ride with you and bring it in situ so it doesn’t ruin your upholstery.

      • Justno

        Roooaaaad Triiiip!!!!

      • Little Lulu

        Shotgun! I have a permit!

    • MarkM

      I just had an insane idea for a low budget, Cronenbergesque horror movie…do you want an “inspired by” credit?

    • Randy Riddle

      Don’t make her uterus angry. You wouldn’t like her uterus when it’s angry.

    • TheGrandWaz00

      I’d marry your clothesline just so I could hang around.

      • Shan the Libtart

        Awwww!

    • anwisok

      I think that may be so utterly impossible that it stays within The Rules. Dok’s call, of course!

      • Shan the Libtart

        I said “makes it wanna” not “I am gonna” so does that count?

  • TeeRaak
    • Candy Apple

      Ew.

    • Randy Riddle

      Well, well, the Klan is trying to go upscale, eh?

  • Marla

    He so looks like that soon to retire high school gym teacher who greatest accomplishment was when the other team gave them points at every homecoming game.

    • Joe Beese

      How much more white could he be? And the answer is none. None more white.

      • Marla

        It’s sort of an spooky, oblique bleached suburban kind of white. As if Casper and a Klan member concocted him in a test tube.

        • Bear OmNomNom

          Louise Brown libelz!

      • Candy Apple

        I’m pretty damn white and he is WAY whiter than I am.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Oh come on, look at him- surely his greatest accomplishment was crafting a device to peep into the girls shower room.

      • georgiaburning

        Girls? Remember, he is a Republican

  • Joe Beese

    Some O/T good news out of Washington:

    Carla Hayden, head of the Enoch Pratt Free Library in Baltimore, was confirmed Wednesday as Librarian of Congress for a ten-year term.

    The Senate vote was 74-18. This looks good—a real, live public librarian ending up as head of the largest and most powerful library in the U.S. Most LoC leaders have not been professional librarians. The last trained pro to be more than an acting librarian was Lawrence Quincy Mumford, who served from 1954 to 1974, when the appointment in effect was for life.

    Not only that, Hayden is the first African-American and first woman to hold the job, and she is regarded as tech hip, a contrast to James Billington, trained as a historian rather than a librarian.

    https://teleread.org/2016/07/13/carla-hayden-confirmed-as-librarian-of-congress-tech-hip-and-first-afro-american/

    • The Wanderer

      That’s excellent news, it is!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Was blocked for a long time by pathetic fascist insect Tom Cotton, who apparently was doing it just to spite the President.

      • Joe Beese

        I see Cruz and Rubio claimed their share of the dickwaddery.

        • MarkM

          Such fine, upstanding, classy individuals…

    • Candy Apple

      Wow, congrats to her!

    • Randy Riddle

      Great news. Now maybe the LoC will have all those John Waters movies.

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Pussywillows, Carla!!!

    • JerryRich

      Tim Scott, the only black GOP U.S. senator, gave a heartfelt address on the Senate floor about his own experiences with racial profiling. He voted “no” on Ms. Hayden’s confirmation.

      • bobbert

        Go figure.

  • bubbuhh

    Mike Pence is Trump’s white night.

    • The Wanderer

      I really don’t think he could have found anyone whiter.

      • Randy Riddle

        Albino John Birch was not available.

        • Marla

          Or “bluesman” Johnny Winter.

          What? Too soon?

    • Marla

      It’s like his bottom lip is constantly fighting an uphill battle to suck in the rest of his head.

  • SoccerMomsforSatan

    Chris Christie does not approve this message.

    • Candy Apple

      He let Drumpf bend him over and bang him and gets nothing out of it. SAD!

      • Marla

        He’s about a 2.

      • Beaumarchais?

        “You go back there and tell Ronald I wanted a Whopper.”

    • MarkM

      Shut up and get your fat ass to Mickey D’s Chris. Mr. Trump wants a Big Mac, large fries, strawberry shake and an apple pie, stat!

  • Paperless Tiger

    This will cement the bowels of Trump’s support.

    • The Wanderer

      It’ll lock them up tighter than Fort Knox.

  • Jeff in the desert

    Having been a paste eater that turned out a raving liberal I call LIBELZ!!!!111!!!!11!1

    • The Wanderer

      How about we call him a window-licker?

      • Jeff in the desert

        better……

      • anwisok

        I’m fairly certain that using disabilities as insults is considered poor form. Since “window licker” is often used as a putdown for autistics & kids with Downs – may I suggest that we don’t?

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Shit, we could just call him Mike Pence! We hold his derp to be self-evident…

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Mike Pence looks like an uncooked chicken with some feathers left unplucked…Trump is going to take his Cheeto Shake and Bake and toss him into the bag until he’s nice and orange.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      I understand why a raving fundiegelical would want to support Chick-Fil-A, but becoming the product? Man, that’s one trippy-ass form of martyrdom. And as for Soylent Orange, I’m not even sure if it qualifies as people.

  • BMW

    Mike Pence may look like live action Race Bannon, but his views are live action Fred Flintstone.

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      I’d call that a generous description of the guy.

      • BMW

        When I see Mike Pence, all I can think is “Race Bannon sure fell on hard times.”

        • The Wanderer

          Dr. Quest would have shot him.

    • Ezio

      It’s Luthor/Joker 2016

    • Gote

      I’m pretty sure Race would beat your ass with Bandit for that comparison.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    If I remember right, Pence tried to ban Howard Zinn’s People’s History of the United States from Indiana schools.

    • Candy Apple

      That makes me want to read it again.

      • Jenny

        I bought the kids version. My son read the first chapter and said Mom, I can’t even right now. This is too terrible. We are mean.

        Maybe in a few years he will pick it up again.

        • Justno

          You must be a great mom.

          • Jenny

            Nah, I’m pretty sure my kids are entitled monsters! But every once in a while I manage to convince them to try something new or not be weirdo jerks.

          • Justno

            As the mom of an entitled millenial I think that’s about the best any of us can do. At the most I consider it a win to have raised at least one never-gonna-vote-Trump person.

          • Shan the Libtart

            I still can’t convince my entitled millenial to vote AT ALL, the big shit. I’m less upset about this since earlier in the week when he announced he’s moving out.

            PARTAY AT MOMMA’S HOUSE!

          • Justno

            I’ll bring the wine.

          • bobbert

            Yay. (Contingent on it actually happening, of course).

          • Jenny

            They are at least never Trump people and I didn’t even influence that! The Mexican wall sound bites convinced them.

          • Justno

            I think that’s what convinced my daughter that voting is important. She is engaged to a Mexican and has a Mexican American daughter.

        • Maybe if you show them the fourth episode of Warrior Women on Netflix. It is about Lozen, an Apache woman who fought with Geronimo. Good Lord, the shitty things the US did to Native Americans are scarey as hell.

          • Jenny

            That goes on the list. We are about halfway through “The Mask You Live In”; and I’m surprised we even made it that far.

    • Ezio

      I guess when the truth hurts, the right tries to ban it.

    • TheGrandWaz00

      I made a reference to People’s History in a comment thread on my local paper in wing-nut land many years ago. The response from one of the most prolific morons at the site was “Howard Zinn is an idiot!”

      It still makes laugh.

      • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

        Let’s just give said moron credit for knowing about HZ.

        To be certain, on a site some years ago I mentioned the slimeball things that Bob Hope did – even citing the Oscar-winning documentary Hearts and Minds – and someone’s response was “Bob Hope was a national treasure. You are an idiot.”

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Thus further cementing its necessity…

  • Jeff in the desert

    Say it loud, I’m White and I’m proud.

  • I made this at the beginning of the campaign, and sadly it is still true. [img]http://i.imgur.com/WuIkaff.jpg[/img]

    • Jeff in the desert

      Righteous facial hair!!!!!!

      • The Wanderer

        When I retire, I want to grow my facial hair to resemble that.

        • Shan the Libtart

          Me, too!

          • A walking, murderous uterus and awesome facial hair. Clearly you have evolved in a good way.

          • Bear OmNomNom

            Sounds like one epic Adult Swim cartoon!

          • Hairstrike Alpha

            Uhm, I think you can shave and shape some other area, sorry to disappoint although it would look awesome.

          • Shan the Libtart

            Oh HELL no!

          • Hairstrike Alpha

            Don’t knock it until you try it.

          • Shan the Libtart

            Is umpossible and I’m not going to discuss it!

          • Jenny

            I plan on letting my old lady whiskers grow like my old lady pubes; old, grey, and gnarly!

        • bobbert

          Too much work. Trust me.

  • D0ngR

    “He is a misogynistic pork snorkel from the pits of hell, by which we mean he’s not a fan of letting ladies make their own bodily decisions.”

    Did you write this?

    • MarkM

      “Misogynistic Pork Snorkels” would be a terrific name for an alt country band.

  • AngryKatie

    Bet Christie is feeling like he needs a Silkwood shower thinking about the things he did trying to hang on to his orange, baby handed, “man.”

    • I guess Christie will be doing the walk of shame back to NJ pretty soon.

      • JD Mulvey

        There’s really no other kind of walk back to Jersey.

      • Notreelyhelping

        Maybe he’ll get stuck on a bridge.

    • The Wanderer

      He’ll be curled up in the fetal position as his tears mix with the shower water.

      • Shan the Libtart

        Thanks for making me picture him NAKED.

        • Now picture Christie, Ailes, O’Reilly and a loofah together in the shower. No supper tonight!

          • Shan the Libtart

            WHY DO YOU HATE ME

          • Justno

            …getting strangled by Shan’s Fallopian tubes.

            Ahhhh! That’s better.

  • Ezio

    So he picked an angry, old white guy with a history of suppressing the rights of other people?

    Wow, I totally did not see that one coming.

    • Droogs

      I’m shocked he didn’t pick this one. He’s the whitest angry white guy that ever whited while angry.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That looks like Roger Stone, diehard Nixon loyalist and avatar of Satan.

        • TJ Barke

          Satan libel!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            What libel? These are my peeps.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        The more I see Gowdy, the more I think his Grindr history is nothing to write home about.

      • TeeRaak

        Wow, he really needs to wear a neon cap for visibility. I thought he was a raincloud…

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Maybe he’ll get hit by a Tesla that didn’t see him.

    • Randy Riddle

      The surprise is that he picked someone who has served in public office in this century.

      • Astraea

        And who appears to want to continue.

        • If Pence wants to continue winning elections, why is he running with Trump?

          • Astraea

            That’s the mystery!

    • BadKitty904

      ,,,

  • Randy Riddle

    “Don’t miss his brilliant article about why people loved the movie Titanic so much because that boat banging into that iceberg was a deep metaphor that somehow correlated to Americans newfound love of gayness and abortion.”

    Wait – I thought Camille Paglia wrote that one. Or was it Ann Coulter?

  • JohnBull

    Does this mean Indiana’s in play now?

    • JD Mulvey

      I think Clinton’s treating it as a possible pickup. Probably a longshot though.

  • JD Mulvey

    Apparently Trump likes Pence because, bizarrely, he’s got a boner for all things Indiana, especially ex-Hoosiers coach Bobby Knight –best known to the rest of America as this guy:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jc2ESr43PY

    • Marla

      Good ol’ Indiana. Land of tornadoes, Mellencamps, and Bobby Knight. Little white people for you and me.

    • Doug Langley

      Say, isn’t Bobby one of the speakers at the convention? Or am I thinking of someone else?

      • JD Mulvey

        Apparently he got negged, just like Sarah P!

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Maybe he can throw Clint Eastwood’s empty chair across the convention floor.

  • uniquename72

    I’m actually shocked he isn’t going for Carson over Pence. My Republican FB friends all hate Trump, but love Carson with boundless enthusiasm (to replace what he lacks, I guess).

    Pence isn’t bringing anyone with him to Trump’s party, making him a bizarre choice for someone polling consistently below Hillary.

  • Stein Olsen

    The Onion being a comedy website and therefor closer to facts than real news web sites sums him up nicely.

    http://www.theonion.com/graphic/who-mike-pence-53218

    • Roadstergal

      Damn, that’s perfect.

  • Meanwhile, back at Trump headquarters: [img]http://i.imgur.com/uubUxUc.gif[/img]

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Not exactly the sharpest spoons in the drawer, are they?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      You may be a Trump supporter if . . . .

  • tehbaddr

    I remember when Cocksnort opened for Pork Snorkel! Great show, or was that L7 and Primus? It was so many years ago.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Mike Pence, head of the state with the shortest Great Lakes shoreline of all the GL states and provinces, attempted to allow BP to dump toxic waste off said shoreline and was promptly stomped to pancakedom by the Great Lakes Commission, including those dirty Canadian foreigners. By the way, the coalition against him included Scott Walker and Rick Snyder. This is how evil that man is.

  • chascates

    Well, Evan made a convincing argument. I’ll vote FUCK MIKE PENCE as well.

    • Roadstergal

      I will not fuck Mike Pence. I would not, could not, on a train…

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Not even with a plastic peen.

  • Portia McGonagal

    A TrumpPence doesn’t go as far as it used to. Really not worth anything at all.

    • Ezio

      I guess he’s a few pence short of a pound.

  • Jenny

    Haha @ Chris Christi

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      His loser pandering was too much even for Trump. Now he can go back to New Jersey where they are waiting at the border with torches and pitchforks.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Congrats Pence. You will be the co-pilot of the Hindenburg of all political campaigns.

    • hendenburg2

      I guess that means Hope Hicks is polishing the brass?

      • vivian

        Nah, Lewandowsky’s been fired.

  • We joke about brain bleach, but Pence looks (and talks) like he has tried it in real life. More than once.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Coming next week: Repexit.

  • cousin itt

    First words from Pence to media: “Who am I? Why am I here?”

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      You, sir, are no Admiral Stockdale.

      Also, where’s the beef? heh heh heh…

  • cousin itt

    Hoosier running mate, Donald?

  • revenant

    Boo Radley’s evil twin

  • When I heard the news I almost Penced my pants.

    • Incoming Ham

      Thanks folks, I’ll be here all week…

    • Andre

      Luckily for me, I had taken a large Trump after lunch, or I might have done so as well.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Be right back, I need to go Pence a loaf.

  • Spotts1701

    OT: At least 30 dead after truck deliberately drives into Bastille Day crowd in Nice, France.
    Waiting for Trump to proclaim something stupid about this tragedy…

    • cousin itt

      Fuck. Again. Fuck.

      • HazooToo

        I really don’t even know what to say anymore.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Fuck. Rinse. Repeat.

  • Incoming Ham

    Trump has chosen someone to share the title of Most Nauseating Thing On The Planet.*

    Edit: *Dick Cheney was not available.

    Swear to god, Trump is trolling the planet.

  • geoffalnutt

    This is perfect!!! Trump must never be near anyone who might be a bit smarter. No way here. Remember. “I love the poorly educated”. Put to the test!!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “A bunch of Republicans already HATE the idea!”

    There is no choice that “a bunch of Republicans” won’t hate, because today’s GOP is little more than a mash-up of single-issue fucknuts. Jesus Christ could return for a second coming (or, more probably, just to try again, fer Chrissakes), and Trump could pick him, and a bunch of Republicans would hate the idea of such a poorz-loving commie socialist VP. (Would he still be Jewish? The Nazi/KKK Trumpanzees will want to know!)

    Then again, maybe getting crucified (with votes) is part of the plan, again.

  • dshwa

    Well, I’ve gotten better birthday presents. (The big 40 tomorrow)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Ahh, to be 40 again…

      • hendenburg2

        the problem with aging is that the scotch that is as old as you gets exponentially more expensive.

        Actually, that’s a good argument for lowering the drinking age right there…

    • nmmagyar

      Child

      • nmmagyar

        And felcidades

    • mancityfooty .

      wait until you hit 42. you’ll be the answer to life, the universe, everything.

    • lroom

      Happy Day Before Birthday!

    • The view from the fourth floor is almost as good as the view from the fifth floor.

      Happy birthday tomorrow dshwa!

    • vivian

      Merry dshwamas Eve!

  • Me The People

    Bloody hell he really wasn’t joking when he said he was going to pick a white guy, was he?

    • Biff52

      He’ll be orange by Monday.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      When you go white, you’re gonna go bright….

  • KingKuranes

    OMG George Snuffleupagus I just blasted soda water from my nose.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Any trolls to beat up?

  • ClarkJoe

    Was Dan Quayle not available?

    • efoveks

      Yet again, not another Jack Kennedy… That seems to be a GOP trend.

  • Spotts1701

    Let’s add Nintendo to the list of corporations that will be suing Donald in the near future, this time for his ridiculously stupid Pokémon GO attack ad against Hillary.

    • greyXstar

      And when it comes to copyright stuff, Nintendo acts like a police dog. They won’t be intimidated by his BS.

  • Biff52
    • Joe Beese

      With that death toll, I’m going to need cross-species.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub75zNs0ppU

      • Mr. Lambert

        Well well at least someone is this world is getting along.

      • ViveLaRes

        Bless the beasts and the children. And the human heroes who come to their rescue. *sniff*

    • JMP

      I’m waiting for the first gun nut to say that this proves that gun control won’t do anything to prevent massacres.

      • Biff52

        I sure won’t bet against that.

      • Msgr_Moment

        If only we registered people before they could drive.

        • Notreelyhelping

          If we only registered vehicles… Uh. Wait a sec,

      • jowgajen

        Too late, already saw that in the LA Times comments. Along with a bunch of anti-muslim drivel.

      • bobbert

        If only there had been a good guy with an RPG launcher.

  • Mr. Lambert

    At this very moment Pence is undergoing intense tanning therapy.

    By tomorrow he will be a beautiful orange tone with oddly blonde hair.

  • anwisok
    • Joe Beese

      Better safe than sorry.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Always DOUBLE-WRAP your bat!

      • ViveLaRes

        Yay, I never saw cute bats before. We love our bats here in NoFla – they are mosquito eating machines with wings.

        • AntiDerpomeme

          We have them here too. If you stand in the middle of the yard at night, they swoop right down near your head, probably going for the bugs. Ours are tiny, only about 2.5 inches long. They are adorable, even though being buzzed by a bat at dusk can be a little nerve-wracking.

  • cynmac

    Update Donald Trump postpones VP announcement due to attack in southern France, per the Washington Post.
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/07/14/donald-trump-postpones-vp-announcement-due-to-attack-in-southern-france/

    • Joe Beese

      Pence isn’t worth wasting an opportunity to squawk about Terror.

    • Spotts1701

      Meanwhile, he remains an odious ghoul on Twitter.
      https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/753720863606775809

      • HazooToo

        FUCK YOU, YOU RANCID STINKING PUMPKIN, NO ONE HAS EVEN IDENTIFIED THE FUCKING DRIVER YET, YOU SOULLESS YAM TURD.

      • msanthropesmr

        When will we learn what? marginalization and bigotry leads people to feel trapped and lash out?

        • cynmac

          I think we need to wait to comment until we know more about who and why. At least he should have learned that from Orlando.

          • Spotts1701

            It’s never damaged him before, so why change now?

          • cynmac

            He thinks that it hasn’t hurt him, but that’s only because he doesn’t really want to win.

        • TJ Barke

          Fucking A, right?

        • MarkM

          That we should exterminate 1.6 billion people. Nuke them from orbit! Hey, it’s the only way to be sure…

      • Astraea

        RADICALLY REDACTED

  • Andre

    Serious taxonomical question: Donal fecking Drumpf, orangutaint or shitgibbon?

    • Msgr_Moment

      AOT,K.

      • thenearesthippie

        Oooooh! Simultaneous posting! Was it good for you?

        • Msgr_Moment
    • thenearesthippie

      Yes.

  • BMW

    Another week, another horrible tragedy.
    You folks on here old enough to remember, I want to know…is this what 1968 felt like? Because… DAMN.

    • Biff52

      This feels worse. It was more personal to me back then, but we didn’t have instantaneous access like we do now. It’s nonstop bombardment of the senses now.

      • Joe Beese

        I just watched a video on Twitter of the bodies laying broken in the road. I’m stupid that way.

        Imagine if there was cellphone video to go along with the woman screaming over the body at Kent State.

        • CogitoErgoBibo

          I just (stupidly) saw the same one. I sort of don’t need dinner anymore. But your point is valid. The cell phone has become a powerful truth-teller. But what I just saw…probably not necessary.

        • Poe’s Law

          Halim El-Dabh, who was at Kent State at the time, wrote Opera Flies about Kent State, which I had the honor of playing in*. I know that there were recordings and videos made of it in the 80s, but they are strangely not on the inter weaving thing.

          Minor pedant point: Kent State was 1970.

          Not so pedant point: the finale was a chorus, “I strolled in Jello, ” which captured what Carter would later call our national malaise.

          It also reminded us of what is too often forgotten because they were coloreds, that within days, two were killed at Jackson State.

          *Specifically, Fobio, the villian of the piece who orders the shootings, who also shuts down Judeo**, the grand jury investigating the events and then leads the mourners while denying that tbe dead are his own children. Yeah, it’s an opera alright.

          **The line, “I am Judeo. I’m here for justice, ” still makes me weep.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      My grandfather, living in Chicago, was a Nixon delegate to the RNC in Miami in 1968. I wish he hadn’t passed before I was old enough to realize that he must have had a unique perspective on that year. Instead, my main memory of him is a Time/Life picture of he and a fellow oldster asleep at the convention. I prefer that peaceful picture to what actually happened in the whole of 1968.

    • Poe’s Law

      No. This is worse. In 1968 there was bad things but there was also a sense of hope, a sense that one more push would send us into the Brave New World.

      But now? It feels like we have to put out everything just not to lose ground.

      It’s the difference between 1789 and 1816

  • Msgr_Moment

    Third time today for me….
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu3eSNi__4w

    • Poe’s Law

      Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité

      *Stands and salutes
      *wipes away a tear
      *hits replay*

  • tegrat

    I take it you’re not a fan of Mike Pence.

    • cynmac

      Who is?

      • JMP

        Homophobic bakers?

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          Pizza makers.

      • Astraea

        His mom?

        • anwisok

          We have no way of knowing that.

      • TJ Barke

        Asshats.

      • Spotts1701

        Manufacturers of shapeless, drab suits?

  • Brazilian Fart Porn

    And for a dose of karma… Glenn Beck’s bull is gay. http://www.towleroad.com/2016/07/glenn-beck-gay-bull/

    • cynmac

      The comments are Comedy Gold.

    • msanthropesmr
    • Msgr_Moment

      So I guess he’ll have to “milk” his bull his own damn self.

      Popcorn, please?

    • TJ Barke

      Ahahahahahaha!

    • anwisok

      Bbbbbbutbutbut . . .. being gay isn’t NATURAL!

    • Biff52

      Why would his bull choose to be ghey?!!?!?

      • TJ Barke

        Clearly it has been possessed by gay bull demons.

      • Amy!

        Fabulous lifestyle?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yo, Glen…a bull will mount anything.

      • Painter of Goats

        Buck goats, also.

      • cousin itt

        Can it mount itself on the wall?

        • vivian

          Only after it mounts a vigorous defense.

    • ViveLaRes

      Reminds me of my favorite book from 3rd grade.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    It was a national holiday here in France today. My husband and I enjoyed a day in the garden, bbq’ed pulled pork, made slaw and rolls and sun tea, and had a lovely evening eating sandwiches, drinking rosé and watching the stunning fireworks display at the Eiffel Tower on TV. I was thinking to myself that it was a perfect day, and it was fortunate that nobody ruined the Paris events with violence, and then I was a little angry at myself for thinking so badly of the world that I expect disasters at celebrations. I think that attitude is a holdover from the Marathon bombings when I lived in Boston. And only an hour later, I pick up my phone to check on social media and see the horrible news from Nice. I’m feeling defeated by the homicidal assholes of the world right now.

    • HazooToo

      I wish I could do something to help. You know you can vent to us. Just be there for your community and please be safe.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Thank you. It’s actually comforting to be able to post to you guys here.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Oh shit, guess I better check the news now.

      Jeezis that’s horrible. Later I’ll be enraged by the outrageous bullshit Dumpster fire and the NRA will spew in response. Like “thoughts and prayers” bullshit.

      But for now, I’m going to go home, kiss my wife, pet my dogs, and pour a stiff drink. Then repeat.

      • anwisok

        Don’t. It’ll be there later, too.

    • Joe Beese

      They can hurt us. But they can never win as long as good people act decently towards each other.

      Remember what Mr. Rogers said: Look for the helpers.

    • A_Guy_In_Oregon

      It’s terrible the things people sometimes do to each other.

      • MarkM

        It is. And it is terrible that so many people think doing even more terrible things back is the solution to the problem.

    • Poe’s Law

      There are no words.

  • snark-lurker

    bRIAN wILLIAMS fapping hard trying to get somebuddy/anybuddy to tell graphic details they saw in Nice but FRUSTRATION MANGULATION of his fapper peen sad, very sad, really very sad

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Look at me!” Brian cried. “I’m still relevant!”

    • anwisok

      “sad, very sad, really very sad” No sarcasm there! Nope, none whatsoever! LOL

    • cousin itt

      It was niiiice and all that he got rehired. But he just doesn’t have what he never had.

      • Biff52

        I still prefer him over Luke Russert.

  • rebecca

    Ahem.

    I STILL THINK FUCKER HASNT DECIDED NO MATTER WHO’S REPORTING WHAT AND NOW HE”S GOT A ‘DELAY’ FOR “APPROPRIATENESS” COME THE FUCK ON HE’S MILKING IT TILL AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK.

    Still think it’s Newt, caps off.

    • msanthropesmr

      What are you talking about?

      • rebecca

        oh hi! Trump’s postponing the pick after CNN and NPR confirm it’s Pence. I don’t think shit’s confirmed at ALL.

        • msanthropesmr

          Ahh. I don’t have a TV. I rely on you for the news, so this is out of context for me. Particularly since I’ve had a beer.

          • rebecca

            gin & juice, son. And twitter, not TV.

          • msanthropesmr

            I had a G&T earlier. Is that like gin and juice? And what is twitter?

          • vivian

            Twitter is what happens when your id and your thumbs gang up on you.

          • Andre

            “A” beer, is that what you call a 30 rack these days?

          • msanthropesmr

            No, I’ve just had one. I had a G&T earlier. I was in Chicago this morning, and just got back. long day.

          • Andre

            That is a long day. Tore my MCL on Sunday, so I am riding the bushmills/ibuprofen super highway. Coherence to dissipate in 3…2…zzzzzzz

          • Biff52

            My first knee injury and surgery, 1968! Good luck to you…

          • Andre

            Thanks

    • Andre

      I think he’s gonna go completely off script and pull some fucked up, illegal shenanigans, like Bibi, or Eichmann, or David Duke.

      • rebecca

        NEWTVANKA.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Hey, I hear BoJo is coming to Cleveland!

      • Shan the Libtart

        Like Trump’s fucked up illegal shenanigans have mattered?

        • Andre

          Not since he went full birther, batshit crazy R….

          • Shan the Libtart

            So…can I go batshit crazy and get absolved of all MY shenanigans and never have to suffer any consequences? If so *spits into palm* I have some WORK to do!

          • Andre

            The spirit of st. Ronnie washes you clean as a freshly printed Andrew Jackson $20 bill. Go forth and make with the shenanigans (Shanigans?), my child.

        • Biff52

          Lovely new av pic, if I may say.

          • Shan the Libtart

            Cheers! Took that and some others for BF because we miss each other and I liked this one. That’s me thinking happy nice thoughts about my sweet boy.

          • Biff52

            Here’s hoping you don’t miss each other very much longer! I know what they say about absence, but screw that!

          • Shan the Libtart

            15 DAYS!!!

    • Astraea

      THIS MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER.

      I agree

    • anwisok

      But, hopefully, Pence believes it and doesn’t file to run for Governor again.

      • CogitoErgoBibo

        I know a LOT of people in Indiana who fervently hope that is the case. Honestly, the biggest sign of The Orange One being a blithering idiot is choosing a guy who is roundly loathed in his home state.

        • Astraea

          That covers all his likely candidates.

          • CogitoErgoBibo

            Touche’.

          • therblig

            certainly includes the Outlaw Jersey Whale

          • Biff52

            POW!

          • Be Gin

            A TKO in three words.

            Well done!

        • Biff52

          Is he naive enough to think even New Yorkers give a shit about himself?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Just don’t tell him before noon tomorrow.

    • msanthropesmr

      I think it might be Mr. T, Chewbacca, or Jack Bauer.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Busey or GTFO!!

    • I hope you are right, Newt is even more of a hypocrite and will hurt Trump even more than Pence. (Although, let’s be honest, all three of them are shit stains on the toilet seat of the world.)

      • MarkM

        That is a rather charitable description, all things considered.

      • Smokahontas

        Shit Stain libelz!!!1!!1111!!!

    • Msgr_Moment

      IF YOUR CAPS STAY LOCKED FOR MORE THAN FOUR HOURS, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!

      • cousin itt

        Who you gonna call?

        MacGruber!

        • vivian

          Goatbusters?

      • vivian

        OR HAVE SOME CANNED CLAMS!!!1!(#!! OH YOU MONSTER!!!

    • Fartknocker

      I personally believe the Koch Brothers dropped a dime and offered to make Donald a real billionaire.

    • cat cafe

      Oh of course, and he wants to make sure HE gets the headlines, not some whatever-it-is that’s going on wherever. Also he wants to inflame more people with some hateful speech about the Mooslems.

  • Poly_Ester

    Pence may be dump, but is he dumb enough to be Trump’s running mate?

    • Smokahontas

      SPOILER ALERT!!! :Ayup.

  • NorthernSaber

    I’m telling you, fellow Wonkefarians, we ought not be taking this Trump business lightly. Dig it- he has a fraction of Hillary’s organization and staff, he’s gleefully Palin-esque in his ignorance of, well, everything- and at least a couple of reputable polls have him leading at this point. His VP pick is a white-as-a-Wonderbread-and-Miracle-Whip-sandwich Midwestern square who doesn’t believe in sex standing up because it might lead to dancing and who has more baggage than a Pullman car could carry- and it won’t matter at all to the assholes riding around with “Trump the Bitch 2016” stickers on their pick ups. We who fancy ourselves the “smart set” will guffaw and point out Trump’s stupidity (“Article 12” of the Constitution, anyone?) and Pence’s hypocrisy and wonder aloud how they could ever win because we, after all, don’t know anyone who would vote for them. Well, if you want to be yanked out of your fantasy that this dirt-dumb, pandering, reactionary asshole can’t become President just venture into a place like rural Maine this summer. Trust me, angry low-info white mill-town folks aren’t voting based on Trump’s nuanced view of policy (they didn’t do their homework and don’t mind that he won’t do his); they’re for Trump because of dog-whistles and dying towns and their own encyclopedic ignorance- or because they simply hate Hillary. I love Evan’s writing and God-knows I hope he’s right about Trump going down in flames, but the longer Trump hangs around in this race the more I’m convinced that come November we may be living the unthinkable.

    • msanthropesmr

      Yes. Which is why it is vital to get out the vote.

    • anwisok

      I keep reminding people: we can’t get complacent! GOTV!!

    • Shibusa

      I’m moving to New Zealand, along with Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

      • anwisok

        Lucky you. Think of us who don’t have that option when you get there!

      • cat cafe

        Me too, and Ruthie can say EVERYTHING she wants about Donnie, all the way over there on Air New Zealand and when we go on the Lord of the Rings tour and everything.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Don’t leave me behind!!!!!!

        • Biff52

          Gon’ be a lot of us left behind. NZ ain’t big enough for all of us.

      • phoenix00

        As long as you let me visit from time to time.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        They could charge $100k for citizenship, and balance the national budget on the US refugees alone.

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        Well, try to be more circumspect once you get there, at least.

    • TJ Barke

      Yeah. I remember people thinking the same about Shrub, and we got 8 years of that mess. And “mess” is extremely charitable.

      • NorthernSaber

        In Maine we are 6 years into Paul LePage’s relentless assault upon decency and facts and sanity- and legion were the pundits who said it could never happen here once, let alone twice. LePage himself calls himself the template for Trump, and damned if that template doesn’t draw votes these days.

        • Smokahontas

          Shout out from The Midwest Koch Subsidiary Formerly Known as the Great State of Wisconsin! We feel your pain, and see your fat bigoted turd of of a governor, and raise you one cross eyed lying bigoted fart of a governor…race you to Kansas!

          • NorthernSaber

            No fair- you have a head start, and your highways go east-west as well as north-south (we have I-95 from Houlton, Maine all the way to Florida- and it’s a LONG way from here to I-90!). I went to grad school at Minnesota and had a best friend from Mad-town, so there was an adventure or two in your wonderful home state back in the day.
            Cheers! NS

          • Smokahontas

            Bottoms up! From the bottom, sadly. I was up in ME for the Great Went (phish head, many years back) and fell in love with your beautiful state…the similarities in terrain and population are starting, though you got the good hills :-) Both with solid blue collar, pro-labor history totally hijacked in the 80’s. I’m not as familiar with ME politics, but we held out until the tea party takeover in 2010 and now the best we can do is sing at lunch in the Capitol. We’re trying, FWIW, and you’re welcome to come for a drinky thing in Mad Town any time (all times are drinky times here)!

          • NorthernSaber

            I was at the “Great Went”- actually was living in Limestone at the time!! Now THAT was a hootinanay! Buddy and I decided to help welcome the horde to Limestone (remember the massive traffic jam?), so we put an entire bottle of rum into a Pepsi bottle and wandered downtown, whereupon we commandeered a “Free Hugs” sign and had ourselves some fun. At some point I was nearly loaded (unconscious, apparently) into a VW van and taken out to Loring, at another we were nearly arrested, and at a third I somehow got a wonderful hand-drawn Sharpie tattoo high up my right thigh from, well, someone. If you lived in the area you could get a one-day pass for a pretty good price, so after I recovered (and got myself out of the spousal dog-house) I hitched a ride out to the base for the Sunday show. After all the fireworks I walked the seven miles back to my house, something I did after “Lemonwheel” as well. I hope you had a great time in my state and please don’t judge us by our idiot governor!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Trump will make Dumbya look like one of history’s great statesmen. The ignorant dumbfuck demographic has probably grown since then, which is a depressing thought.

        • TJ Barke

          Thank you rightwing echo chamber.

    • crabbylove

      That’s some scary shit right there.

      • NorthernSaber

        It is, crabbylove, it is. I know I shouldn’t generalize too much about what I’m seeing/hearing in east central Maine, but modern America is loaded with pockets of places like this, and they certainly are NOT hotbeds for Hillary!

        • Andre

          Western Mass is in a similar situation. And of course the south is, and will always be, the sister-fucking, cousin-marrying, gun-humping south

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Hey! I live in the South, and I resemble that remark.

          • Biff52

            I wonder whatever happened to former commenter and sometime feature writer Fakakta South?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            LOLZ…that must have been before my time. Sounds like a good time.

          • bobbert

            Might as well wonder about Chet and Barb and Ttommy. Or Owls.

          • Biff52

            I do. And several others. Hell, some folks might wonder where I went, if I only had something better to do.

          • Smokahontas

            Up top, sistah!

        • NorthStarSpanx

          I’m quiet confident he won’t win. I lost a lot of needless sleep worrying Sarah Palin would be a Vice Fucking President in these United State and we proved smarter than that. What I resent is that that Category 5 Moron and this orange-pouffe’d wingnut segue their run into a lucrative post-loss career. Think Trump was insufferable before? Even with a loss, he’s going to be unbearable as a ‘thought-leader,’ on all matters on the talk shows and papers until they are raptured.

          • Smokahontas

            From your lips to dawg’s ears!

          • NorthernSaber

            I really think Palin gave the regressive, Know-Nothing wing of the GOP a green light. I truly, deeply despise that useless woman (may I borrow your wonderful term “Category 5 moron”?) and I was thrilled she and McCain got their asses kicked. But here’s the thing, and it’s something that starts a war on this board so I’ll kind of whisper it- I don’t think Hillary is anywhere near the candidate Mr. Obama was, and I guess I count myself as one of the many Dems who will vote for her but without enthusiasm. I’m horrified that we might lose the White House to someone who likely would lose to the likes of Walter Mondale by a dozen points.

          • NorthStarSpanx

            The credit for Category 5 Moron goes to Bill Maher. Alec Baldwin in confronting Lorne Micheals at SNL in front of Sarah mistaking her for Tina was the other best summation of Palin, “That horrible woman.” As for Clinton, I don’t subscribe to the fear that Hillary is as lukewarm in terms of Dukakis, Mondale or even Kerry for enthusiasm. She’s going to win, and win well enough for a mandate on progress.

          • NorthernSaber

            I do hope you’re right.
            Cheers and happy weekend- NS

    • Suse

      I’m terrified that this will come to pass. Every other day I tell myself it’s unpossible, but it really isn’t and it scares the hell out of me.

      • Smokahontas

        Try hiding under your desk. It doesn’t help, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

    • I’m in Maine as well, and down here in the southern parts, there’s plenty of guffawing about Trump winning. Careful there folks or you’ll be laughing out of the other side of your mouth before too long.

      • NorthernSaber

        Yep, and keep in mind that Maine splits its electoral votes, so if Trump wins up here in the 2nd district (official motto: “It’s not just the snow that’s white!”) he could take one of Maine’s four votes. In my shit-burgh town just west of Bangor it won’t even be close- Trump will win in a walk- and I think it will come down to voter turnout/suppression in the college towns (Orono, Presque Isle, Fort Kent) as to whether he takes Penobscot and Aroostook counties. We have a weed legalization question on the ballot this November- maybe that will produce a different demographic than that god-awful bear question that brought out LePage’s knuckledraggers last time.

    • cat cafe

      I agree. We have to take this very, very seriously, which I think we all are. It’s not just that Trump is disgusting, it’s that with everything he says and does, he encourages, enables, and deliberately riles up the low-info crowd and the bigots, making it seem like it’s okay to think and behave and speak the way they secretly want to. He has lowered public discourse to a place we haven’t seen in decades, with horrendous damage to the fabric of the country, all in the service of his pig-selfish, sociopathic narcissism.

      I think we all see this, and we all fear this, and I think what we have to do is ACT. Volunteer, join phone banks, call, and DONATE. I send another donation to Hillary every time Trump does something outrageous. I put together a list of the down-ticket elections we can flip in the Senate and the House and posted it on the Faces Book, and picked a couple of those races myself (Patrick Murphy in FL and Russ Feingold in WI) and sent in donations to them as well, even though I live in CA. We all have to do it.

      Support Hillary, donate to her, volunteer, volunteer to help people register, go and drive them to the polls in the swing states. And support the races that we have a chance to take back. Channel our fear and anger and disgust into ACTION. Hillary’s website is a good place to start. For the Senate, here’s another: http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/senate-2016-the-democrats-strike-back/

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Pretty much like Hitler. I wonder if anybody has noticed this.

        • Notreelyhelping

          Now that you mention it…

    • TeeRaak

      I know, bro. This isn’t about logic. It’s pure racism and fear.

      It doesn’t matter how many lies Trump tells–Hillary is a liar.

      Doesn’t matter how many people Trump scams out of money-Hillary is a crook.

      There won’t be buyers remorse. They’ll blame everyone but themselves. Just like with Dubya, failure after failure on Trump’s part will be glibly dismissed with the latest Fox Lie.

      You must admit, they have a brilliant system in place to srew up and increase profits for themselves and their GOP cronies…

      • Smokahontas

        The truly infuriating part is the no sense that all of them make! How do we argue with crazy??!?!

    • MrCanoehead

      There’s more. People vote for optimists, and Donald is optimistic to the point of insanity. Take the giant wall. That’s a proposal that’s dynamic, exciting, active, and confident. Also racist as fuck and batshit insane, of course, but on an emotional level that doesn’t matter. Trump inspires people. Again, inspires them to be racist and crazy, but this is about mobilizing voters.
      There’s a lesson for Hillary and for us. There has to be inspiration and optimism in the Hillary campaign. Trump-bashing is not enough. This is why I think Bernie polled better against Trump than Hillz. His campaign was to a greater extent about what he was going to do and what great projects he was going to take on.
      It’s not enough for Hillary not to be Trump, as much as it looks that way to us. A Hillary presidency has to be something people *look forward to* if we want to get out the vote.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Or to sum up the republican strategy – there were never going to be enough teahadis, but there might just be enough assholes.

  • Mr. Lambert

    I firmly believe that Trump leaked the Pence announcement to test the waters.

    The response was negative.

    And Gingrich still doesn’t have a job at Fox, so that’s something to think about.

    • Joe Beese

      Sean Hannity will be praying extra hard tonight.

      • Mr. Lambert

        Praying that Newt won’t put any more miles on Hannity’s private jet.

        • Mr. Fusion

          That is mostly because Newt doesn’t lift the lid.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      We’re at least going to know it isn’t Pence tomorrow, if he files to run for Governor again. If he doesn’t file, kind of not indicative one way or the other. Speculation will continue. Free PR for the Drumpf. And that asshat wins again.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Will no one think about Newt’s Tiffany account? This shit don’t pay for itself.

      • jmhm

        For a second I thought you were talking about Tiffany Trump. Which, traditionally, he does start looking to trade up to a newer model at around this point in his marriages, but she seems a bit young.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Newt has been working too hard for Amurrikah. He’s exhausted. So I think he needs the extra energy that a really young woman would provide.

          • Smokahontas

            Like a vampire, except instead of blood he just ducks people’s will to live.

        • cynmac

          Yeah, 22 is young for Ginggrinch.

    • Suse

      Ann Coulter doesn’t like it.

      • Mr. Lambert

        She doesn’t even like herself.

        • Suse

          True.

        • MarkM

          Who does?

          • Mr. Fusion

            That guy at the Quickie Mart. You remember, he finished that stretch for public exposure and his parole officer got him the job stocking shelves. Ya, well, he likes her.

  • Panika MCD

    there’s this new thing that HHS is using to get dumbfuck states to accept Medicaid expansion. what they do is wait for their waiver to come up for renewal, extend it 6 months and say, “yeah, we’re going to have to renegotiate this with you and part of that renegotiation will include knowing how many people could have been on Medicaid instead of costing us all a ton of moneys in uncompensated care.” they did this in FL and when FL said, “pffft. we’re still not doing Medicaid expansion.” HHS said, “OH REALLY?! okay, well you get no 1115 waiver funding for Medicaid AT ALL and you don’t gets any to cover UC for patients what would have had Medicaid if you dumbfucks had accepted the expansion.” this is probably why IN accepted the expansion. point for the feds and I enjoy budget hearings far too much.

  • A_Guy_In_Oregon

    Drumpf postponed tomorrow’s VP announcement due to the attack in France today. Tragic to be sure, but I feel this move is reminiscent of McCain’s suspending his campaign due to the financial crisis.

  • diogenez
    • At first glace, where is says “Soft Delicious, Nutritious”, I thought it said, “Safe Delicious, Nutritious”

      • MarkM

        Six of one…

        • Mr. Fusion

          It’s soft on Safe.

      • thenearesthippie

        Coincidentally, “Wonder Bread” is my safe word.

        • Shan the Libtart

          That’s two words.

          Be careful.

      • Reddishrabbit

        I feel like only one of those things is true.

        Soft.

  • vivian
  • Be Gin

    Dear Governor Pence,

    Please find enclosed my business card, my resume and a list of my references for your consideration. Please note that one of those references is from House Speaker Paul Ryan. As his doctor I had to manage his treatment and recovery from the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate with Joe Biden.

    Although it was touch and go for the first two weeks I can proudly say that Speaker Ryan has recovered approximately 73% of his pre-debate mental capacity and 56% of his physical coordination and reflexes. On the night of the debate some wiseacre called a funeral home to come take charge of Speaker Ryan’s mangled remains. But as we can see Speaker Ryan is still with us! No deity or supernatural agency did that. Speaker Ryan owes his continued time on Earth to good solid trauma care and recovery.

    I urge you to consider having me as your doctor as well. I have been reliably informed that Ms. Clinton is considering Elizabeth Warren as her running mate and you should be VERY concerned about that.

    yours truly,

    Ignatius Strangelove, MD, PhD

    • I personally hope she picks Cory Booker, if only because every one of those boring-ass white dudes is going to look like a shit-shaped pile of lumpy mashed potatoes next to him. Dude’s going to have to stop calling himself a vegan after he eats them for breakfast.

      • Shan the Libtart

        OMG HE IS VEGAN?!?111!!

        What am I supposed to do with all this bacon?!

      • cynmac

        I hope she picks Perez. We need as many Democratic Senators as we can get. Besides, I’d like to see Booker run for POTUS in 2020 or 2024, whenever. Hillary may only stay in for one term.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Just got home from work and while skimming through my personal emails I came across this one from Change.org:

    Our Petition To Allow Guns At The GOP Convention Failed

    The Hyperationalist
    OH

    JUL 14, 2016 — In spite of tremendous support from over 55,000 concerned patriots across the nation, our petition to spread freedom to Cleveland and beyond has failed.

    Apparently in Crooked Hitlary Clinton’s “politically correct” libtard America, some people would rather not be surrounded by high-powered semi-automatic assault weapons with high-capacity cartridges—and so the oppressive policies of Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s regime remain in place.

    We at Hyperationalist will continue to fight the good fight until all Americans are free to exercise their God-given Constitutional right to carry any kind of firearm, anywhere they want, at anytime of day or night.

    We only got 55,000 people to sign off on this? Low energy people. No sense of humor. Sad.

    • phoenix00

      Why I’ve unsubscribed from change.org.

      Also: lol

    • Msgr_Moment

      Ding dong.
      “Hi, we’re from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I hope you don’t mind our AR-15s. We’d like to talk with you about your soul.”

  • cynmac
    • cousin itt

      They are still going to face stiff competition from other Darwin Award finalists.

    • Astraea

      Jesus. I was just talking about how we’ll need to tell people not to walk and Pokemon at the same time at work.

      • cousin itt

        Pokemon? I barely knew your mom!

    • HorseChestnut

      Pretty good way to go, I guess.

      • A_Guy_In_Oregon

        neither died.

        • HorseChestnut

          Hooray!

        • Biff52

          Slackers.

    • Mr. Fusion

      Ya, “Name’s Cliff, drop over sometime”.

    • bluicebank

      Nothing surprises me. A Japanese game that sends people to places they shouldn’t be, like when kids were sent to a halfway house or sorts for child molesters, by this silly game (the word “pokeman” should have been a clue).

      Good thing I’m old. Otherwise Pokeman would have sent me into a biker bar called “The Shack.” Hey, I went there on my own volition. There was a big guy with a spider tat, and boy did my buddy ever regret mouthing off to him.

      • Vienna Woods

        I am absolutely delighted that I’m not returning to the classroom in Sept. I pity my colleagues that have to deal with this shit.

        • Jonny On Maui

          How’s retirement treating you?

          • Vienna Woods

            So far it’s exhausting. I’ve been running around nonstop with my husband who is on holidays and he is high maintenance. And today I spent 8 hours with my 91 year old mother who is losing it, and I cleared a large trash bag of such goodies as moldy salmon and year old yogurt out of her fridge. She then attempted to introduce me to her friends the newscasters. Seriously, took me by the hand up to the tv and waited impatiently through a commercial until her friends came back on.

          • Suse

            Aww… hang in there.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Let this serve as a warning. No one’s retirement is what they think it’s going to be. Best of luck to you!

          • Vienna Woods

            Once he goes back to work on Monday it will be better. I will be able to get into my freelance writing routine- I have a couple of contracts for next week.
            He has promised to keep working for two years so that I will have time to myself.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Enjoy your time! I’m enjoying mine. I’ve lost over 30 lbs since I started driving a Stihl 94r jungle wacker tool instead of a desk.

      • cynmac

        My daughter (age 25) was really into Pokemon as a child. I don’t know if she is playing this game, and I don’t need to know.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Father Darwin was oh for two there.

      I’ve got a feeling he’ll get another shot at those two…

    • data_ninja

      “Parachute – I choose you!”

    • phoenix00

      Reminds me of some other game involving mindless dunderheads walking off cliffs:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbxyqeIylHE

    • Suse

      I don’t get this Pokemon thing and don’t think I want to.

  • bluicebank

    It’s Pence, announced Trump, who earlier said he would delay to announcement because he totally cares about France. Not. Then he announced, because Nice is fo hours ago.

    Stay classy, Mr. Clown Car.

    • Msgr_Moment

      …speaking of religious extremists.

    • cynmac

      He needed to announce before tomorrow, noon or Pence couldn’t pull out of the primary cleanly. His name would have appeared on the ballots.

  • Suse

    Shit – another probable ISIS attack in Nice, France during Bastille Day festivities. :-( 77 people dead after being mowed down by a big truck. I see it’s mentioned downthread, but I just turned on the news.

    • cat cafe

      It’s horrible. Horrible. The only thing is apparently the truck was full of arms, grenades, and weaponry, so when the police killed the driver they prevented a far, far, far more horrific carnage. How can someone be so mean? So vicious? So devoid of humanity? I weep.

      • Suse

        Isn’t religious fanaticism wonderful?

    • A_Guy_In_Oregon

      total friggin tragedy.

      Personal preference: I don’t like the phrase “mowed down”. Just sayin.

      • Suse

        Sorry…

    • Vegan and Tiara

      If only a good guy with a truck had been there to stop the bad guy with the truck.

      I’m hoping he isn’t a Muslim, but I’m guessing he is. Now the wingnuts will NEVER shut the fuck up. I was wondering why France seems to be the main target in Europe, and Anderson Cooper told me it was because many of them become radicalized in French prisons. It’s amazing when you treat a large group of people like shit for a long period of time, they tend to get angry.

      • Suse

        Drumpf’s basic base (uneducated butthurt “Christians”) won’t care much. It’s “old Europe” after all and they couldn’t find France on a map to save their lives.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          But…but…MUSLIMS!!!!!!!!

          • Suse

            Meh, They only care if they live in their town and want to build a mosque.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Creeping SHARIA law!!!! BENGHAZI!!!!

      • A_Guy_In_Oregon

        A truck! Like the ones that cross the MEXICAN BORDER EVERY DAY!!11!!!1! We need a wall with no doors. or windows. or other openings of any size. and that goes for the North as well. Trucks have been known to cross from Cannideh too.

      • MarkM

        There is probably a lot of truth to that. But ultimately, the people who are responsible are the people who speak and write words of hate, who seize on every real and perceived insult and twist them to suit their ends, who resent the fact that there are those who reject their religion, their philosophy, their whole way of life… who preach and foment hatred and turn others into tools of violence with lies and false promises.

        And we in the West make it easier for them by our meddling in their region’s affairs, by our ham-handed attempts at “nation-building”, by killing tens of thousands of Muslims in our mostly futile military forays, by our own hateful, bellicose rhetoric that is used as a propaganda weapon against us.

        The enemy, in the final analysis, is religion. Blind, irrational faith. No other power on earth can drive people to such bestial acts. As long as so many believe in fables and fantasies, in mysterious ways, magic and higher powers, in “us” and “them”, the seeds of murder and mayhem that are sown by the imams, preachers and rabbis will fall upon fertile ground. And these things will continue to happen

        • sillybill

          preach Mark!

      • Msgr_Moment

        Damn cops shut that road to traffic, so there was NO good guy with a truck. Damn socialists.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So far the guy is unidentified. Might just be some sick dude from Ragusa, for all we knokw at this point.

      • Suse

        I hope so, but still horrifying. Rukmini Callimachi, an ISIS expert, is on Rachel right now and is saying that the Nice/Cannes area is a hotbed of their activity.

  • anwisok
  • Vegan and Tiara

    “…who to this day demand Christians give them pizza and cake whenever their gay asses want it.”

    Damn straight! When I want my pizza and cake those Christians BETTER give it to me, because I am extremely unpleasant when I’m hungry.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Donald Trump sells out to the GOP, picks most establishment Republican he can for VP. Looks weak. SAD.

    • HolidayinCambodia

      LOSING!

  • TeeRaak

    Some people say Mike Pence is not a fan of the deer tracks tattoo he has on his left forearm, despite the fact that he drew it himself…

    Weird, huh?
    https://cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/67439667.jpg

  • Poe’s Law

    Sorry. Tbe events in Nice just sucked out all the oxygen.

    • Suse

      Great summer so far, eh?

      • Poe’s Law

        I have no idea what to do with that.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Gonna go all white girl on you:

        I. Can’t. Even.

      • Poe’s Law

        Yeah, fer realz

    • Msgr_Moment

      There’s another song that starts that way:

      There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done
      Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung
      Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
      It’s easy

      There’s nothing you can make that can’t be made
      No one you can save that can’t be saved
      Nothing you can do but you can learn to be you in time
      It’s easy

      All you need is love
      All you need is love
      All you need is love, love
      Love is all you need

      There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known
      Nothing you can see that isn’t shown
      There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
      It’s easy

      • Poe’s Law

        It’s a process.

        It begins with defiance — don’t let the assholes being you down.

        It moves through love your enemy.

        Thanks for the reminder.

        But no, it’s not easy.

        It’s damn hard. Especially when your enemy wants to kill you.

        • MarkM

          Like Ann Coulter says, all we have to do is kill all their leaders and convert them to Christianity! Problem solved! Hell, cutting Gordian knots is EASY!

          • Poe’s Law

            Ann Coulter can suck eggs.

            Sorry, not feeling the funny tonight

          • MarkM

            I don’t think it’s funny, believe me…

  • Mr. Fusion

    Take my Governor. Please.

    • MarkM

      Nope. I’m still afraid we might have to take Calgary Ted Cruz back.

      • Pickwicknext

        That’s cause enough to build that wall

        • MarkM

          Really think we need a wall? There’s only one of him.
          On the other hand, Bieber might want to come back…
          LET’S DO THIS!!! Pass me a cinder block, let’s go, let’s go! Get the lead out Quebec!

          • Msgr_Moment

            NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Montreal is less than three hours away. YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!!!

          • MarkM

            Well hell man, get out there and start lugging cinderblocks!

          • Msgr_Moment

            I’m south of the border. Can I secede, then recede?

      • Panika MCD

        not to worry, Calgary. we are pretty sure that Ted Cruz is from outer space and if he is to be returned to anyone, it will be to his home planet along with his father. (Cuba should not have to suffer as we have either.) love, TX

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      We just need to put all the Great Lakes govs in a car and drive them over a cliff (with votes) at this point. Seriousy GL states, wth is wrong with you?

      • yes yes yes yes. i remember sitting at a big summer festival in jefferson park manning an obamacare tent and RIGHT next to us was ‘polish women for rauner’. we laughed and pointed and now we’re stuck with this wanker.

        (that night we also met pat quinn. it was a sad night).

  • mailman27

    Pork snorkel? Pork snorkel?? I’m smelling Pulitzer.

    • Suse

      There are so many great expressions and phrases in this post. Bravo, Evan!

    • Jonny On Maui

      I’m looking at developing one. Combination snorkle/gas mask for close in work when the smoker’s door is open.

      Course it’ll need a red paint job and lightning bolt trim…

      • bbayliss

        flames

        • Jonny On Maui

          Yeah, i thought ‘flames’ at first. But everyone would do ‘flames’ for a smoker mask. So I went with lightning…

          • bbayliss

            light blue pinstripe outlines with a nice air brushed gradation of yellow to orange. ..I’m pretty conservative.
            If you want to go crazy you can delineate the shape with additional violet pin striping, as long as it’s about the same value as the blue and is on the cool side.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Wonkette’s boyfriend (Charles Pierce) says the same thing I’ve been saying. Mainly, if you vote for anyone other than Hillary, and you help elect Trump, GO TO HELL:

    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/news/a46695/donald-trump-candidacy-american-democracy/

    • TJ Barke

      Hmm, maybe we should switch to a less bullshit electoral system.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        All I know, is I can NOT take four fucking years of Trump. The Bush presidency wiped me out financially, and I’m just now starting to feel like I might be able to recover. Never to where I was, but hopefully not homeless either.

        • Biff52

          Me too. And I can’t leave, either.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Hey, I’m selling my house WAY before I had to because I figured the value would not survive a Drumpf regime.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I’m getting ready to put mine on the market too, but I don’t think I’ll be able to sell it before that numbnuts gets elected. One big gay Republican donor (Singer) is saying there will be a depression if Trump gets elected. I’ll be curious to see how quickly the DOW drops below 10,000.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Shouldn’t take more than 24 hours if they let the trading continue. But they won’t . . . it’s not as if being unable to sell will panic anybody, right?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Yeah, it will all work out just great. Personally, I’m looking forward to the trade war with China.

      • bobbert

        Propose an amendment. The Framers sort of skewered us.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      I once met Charlie Pierce at a party! Almost dropped my drink and then had to go hide in a corner because I got all fangirl and it was weird.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        I don’t blame you for getting nervous, I would have done the same thing.

        I didn’t know you were a lady! You mentioned having PTSD, so I just assumed you were a combat veteran. I’m such a sexist I didn’t think you might be a woman. DERP!

  • TJ Barke

    OT. And in the spirit of not wanting to think about the massacre in Nice, I just found Farming Simulator 2015 Let’s plays on youtube and somehow I am totally captivated. HELP ME!

    • Pickwicknext

      Escape your house and go see Ghostbusters?

      • TJ Barke

        The only theater nearby is at least 30 miles away. So no. Also, have no real urge to see it. Not cuz of stupid MRA bullshit, just cuz I don’t really care.

        • Pickwicknext

          I just came home from seeing it. I really enjoyed it, laughed a lot, had a good time. However, i live a 15 minute walk from a theatre. And a nice one with fulll serve menu and booze

          • TJ Barke

            Pretty sure that kind of theater is a myth.

          • Pickwicknext

            Nope. It’s my regular theatre been going since it opened. Saw the very first screening they had- late matinee of the first of the new Star Trek movies. I had a daquiri

          • TJ Barke

            No, no, I don’t think they really exist. Your Canadian lies won’t fool me.

          • Pickwicknext

            Canadians don’t lie. It’s against our natures

          • TJ Barke

            Exactly what a Canadian liar would say…

          • Pickwicknext

            I responsibly found my goose to absorb channel all my asshole tendencies into

          • TJ Barke

            Come again?

          • Reddishrabbit

            Ted Cruz?
            Also, you keep sending him back, just sign for him already

          • cynmac

            They exist in the States too. And many regular theatres that don’t have full menus and table service, now have full bars. Also extra wide, reclining seats.
            http://www.movietavern.com/

          • TJ Barke

            I have seen the reclining seats, got to see the new Star Wars in one of those.

          • Shan the Libtart

            We have this all over my hometown. I love it! But pro tip: NEVER order the monster nachos and try to eat them in the dark. I don’t care WHO you are, it’s disturbing.

          • TJ Barke

            Whoa, stunning new avatar pic.

          • Shan the Libtart

            I rearrange the furniture occasionally.

          • Suse

            It’s all true!

          • TJ Barke

            Your conspiracy won’t fool me!

          • Jenny

            I’m sure they exist in Portland. They exist all over Texas!

          • TJ Barke

            That would be relevant if I didn’t live a 6 hour drive from Portland.

          • Jenny

            It’s the experience! What kind of wacky adventures will happen in 6 hours? ALL OF THEM!

          • TJ Barke

            None of them, none of them, Katie. I’ve made the trip multiple dozens of times. 9 times out of 10 it is boring as FUCK.

          • Jenny

            Good, make it again to go sit your ass in a theater of dreams!

          • TJ Barke

            Fuck no.

          • Biff52

            Right? They’re just fucking with us now.

          • Pickwicknext
          • Suse

            My local theater does that, too. Plus comfy sofas to sit on.

          • Poe’s Law
          • Suse

            I wasn’t expecting that.

          • Amy!

            It was something completely different.

    • Jenny

      And als jfc another ground war incoming.

  • Suse

    French prez speaking now.

  • Randy Riddle

    Poor Newt Gingrich. Always the Bridesmaid of Frankenstein, never the Bride of Frankenstein.

    • Suse

      Needz bigger hair.

    • cheetojeebus

      Elsa Lanchester liable!!111

  • msanthropesmr
    • Juan de Fuca

      But he at least still has a UFC promoter (Dana White) who’s made about $300 Million getting rich off the backs of athletes who mostly work for minimum wage and funny enough, White is one of the guys chosen to deliver his speech during the part of convention praising Trump’s economic strengths.

      I’ve said it before, but I believe the Trump Effect is his ability to attract the douchiest people in the world to support him. Dan fucking White. Because Bob Arum and Don King are too classy for this guy.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Birds of a feather, etc.
        This covers vultures, obvs.

  • Suse

    My 10 year old autistic nephew today: “So, we’re made of stardust, fish, and apes – am I right?”

    • Jonny On Maui

      Of course he is! That’s precious.

      • Suse

        He’s a wonderful kid. He says he remembers his previous life in Vietnam. We can’t figure that one out.

        • Jonny On Maui

          There is weird stuff happening all the time. Do the memories scare him?

          • Suse

            No, he recalls his Vietnamese grandmother feeding him papaya ice cream. He has happy memories. This was apparently in the 1930s. Autism is fascinating.

          • Shan the Libtart

            Wow…that’s amazing.

          • Suse

            It’s funny because he’s had no Vietnamese classmates or otherwise been exposed to the culture. He even used the correct terms for parents and grandparents. A bit spooky.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Any chance his memories can be bumped up against actual history?

          • Suse

            That would be interesting. I’ll have to talk to him about it.

          • Jonny On Maui

            “Where” would be an interesting question to start with.

          • TJ Barke

            Did they have papayas(I don’t know anything about papayas) or ice cream in Vietnam in the 30s?

          • Suse

            I know they had papayas (green papaya salad is yummy) and the French probably introduced ice cream.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Papayas are a tropical herb bush actually, the fruit is a berry. there’s a couple of different types, been around forever. Got a few myself, tasty! Tho we usually go the sorbet route…

    • Shan the Libtart

      And mudskipper uteri. Very important.

      • MarkM

        Ooooooh! SWARMS of mudskipper uteri! That goes in the script…

        • Shan the Libtart

          Don’t turn it into “The Blob” and make it all derivative.

          • MarkM

            Oh, don’t worry, I’ll strive for originality!

    • MarkM

      Very astute. Clearly smarter than anyone who was running for the Republican presidential nomination…or is that damning with faint praise?

      • Suse

        He’s an absolute delight and as sharp as a tack. He knows all about any automobile ever made, foreign or domestic.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          I used to teach ice skating to a group of kids with autism and other cognitive challenges. The alternate world views is amazing. I miss them so much.

          • Suse

            How fun!

          • House0fTheBlueLights

            They have No Fear- ice slippery? What? Let me tell you about every train ever built instead!

          • Suse

            Ha! Joaquin is also into trains, as well as classic cars. So is my hubs, so they have lots to discuss.

          • Shan the Libtart

            And yet…they really DO try so hard to relate. An autistic girl at my daughter’s birthday party years ago needed to get away from the mayhem (I could tell), so I took her into the other room and showed her photographs of my daughter and her brother as babies, and she was fascinated. And calmed.

          • Suse

            :-)

          • That was really good. I had one class where several of my students were into chess, so I started each class with a chess problem to help them calm down and get ready to learn.

          • Shan the Libtart

            I am hardcore INTJ and was already in near freak-out mode myself from having a party at my house in the first place. Getting that girl away from everyone was as good for me as it was for her. We had a good time. Also, her mom was pleased.

          • cynmac

            Funny – I am ENTJ but need my alone time also too.

          • Shan the Libtart

            It’s not a 100% either-or thing. And MBTI classifications aren’t like a Haynes manual for humans (although wouldn’t THAT be great). They’re just a generic guideline.

          • He sounds like a neat kid.

          • I used to teach math in a school for kids with high IQ’s, but learning difficulties, or autism spectrum, etc. You are right, it is some much fun. Learning their point of view and trying to put in things into their perspective is a great challenge.

        • Shan the Libtart

          How old is he?

          Er, sorry. I see that now. Sorry.

          • Suse

            He’s 10.

          • Shan, did you just change your picture? I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be a creeper. I just came back from supper and it looks different from what I was remembering from this afternoon and I am trying to figure out if I am confused. (Well, more so than usual.)

          • Shan the Libtart

            You are not wrong, I did change it. I got my hairs did this afternoon and felt pretty (oh so pretty, oh so witty and GHEY! no wait…) so I took some pics for my fella and liked them so much that I decided to update my snaps here and on the Faceborg.

          • Thanks. And your hair does look nice.

          • Shan the Libtart

            *curtsies* Thank you! I will pass that on to my hairdo-er lady. She wants pics and got very cross with me that I didn’t send her any from last time when I was also happy.

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Well, he’s certainly kicking the crap out of Pence, who as a fundie is merely ought-istic.

    • btwbfdimho
    • JohnBull

      Well, we ARE stardust. We are golden. And we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden.

    • Nature is the ultimate recycler. Hope y’all have a nice supper.

    • that’s gorgeous. genius comes in so many guises.

    • handyhippie65

      he is already smarter than most adults.

  • Jonny On Maui

    There are times where my bongfogged brain just can’t wrap itself around reality…

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/drones-endangered-ferrets-montana_us_57854954e4b0867123dead1f

    • TJ Barke

      The kind of drone bombing I do approve of.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I lost it at candy shooting drone. The cats think I’m possessed…

        • Shoto

          Where can I get me one of them new-fangled candy-shooting drones?

          • Shan the Libtart

            The original is called Pez. Research from there.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Ah! The original analog version…

          • Jonny On Maui

            Does the The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service lease them from the USAF? Can you imagine loading the weapons pods?

            “YES! I said the peanutbuttercup missiles, not the starbursts! We’re dealing with ruthless prairie dogs and blackfooted ferrets fer cryin’ out loud!”

          • Bear OmNomNom

            Bear will make sure not to trust the week-old-donut drones. He’s seen that gambit before.

    • Juan de Fuca

      We kill animals to the point of extinction, then try to bring them back. We kill humans during traffic stops, then try to bring them back. Matter of fact, it seems as though a lot of the criticism we direct at cops during a shooting is how quickly the cops performed CPR after pumping five bullets into the victims chest. We know you shot the guy five times, but did you try and save him afterwards?

      I simply stopped trying to kill anything a long time ago. Maybe I’m turning into that guy, but I’m at the point now where I will literally carry a spider out of my house in a paper towel if I can.

      ETA: Those foot long centipedes ya’ll have down there aren’t on any endagered species list so have at ’em. Those things are evil.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’m sorry but bugs in the house are an automatic death sentence. I’d leave the body as a warning to others but it just attracts the little cannibals…

        • Juan de Fuca

          Ant traps are a must here in SoCal. Have never seen so many tiny ants in my life. Black Widows also too, but most of them seem to stay outside. The spiders we get inside are harmless ones and I carry most of them out. But WTF is up with all of the tiny ants here? I should probably edit my post to inlude “I kill tiny ants” but those things will take over your house in SoCal.

      • BloviateMe

        Maybe it’s embarrassing, but yeah, I’m mostly with you on that. I’ve had enough of death of most things. I’ll definitely kill mosquitoes, flies etc. but I have been known to carry spiders out before the Mrs. stomps them out. I’ve no interest in hunting anymore. Death sucks, and I try to avoid inflicting it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They’ve been dropping similar bait out of airplanes, all over northern New England and the eastern Provinces, for several years. (I found one in the Vermont woods last year, and did some googleizing.) It contains a rabies vaccine for the local raccoons and foxes:
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01b4137a780a8323aac30c23c8cdf94f91287213cd0204661dbee0cdf5745fa4.jpg

      The fondant coating smells delicious (peanut butter + maple syrup?), but it says “do not eat”, so I didn’t. A definite improvement over the chicken heads they originally used, which I assume didn’t have the warning.

  • Suse

    Gotta go fix dinner. What a crappy day in a long string of crappy days… Thanks for being here. It helps tremendously.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Been a mostly downer day but ups thrown in to mix it up.

      All the special order flooring we ordered is defective and must be replaced. 2 months if ordered now or go with second choice.

      Found a beehive on the property today. Knocked on the door with a line trimmer. They were not amused. Only got stung once but that was enough thankyouverymuch.

      Seats confirmed for Ron White. WhooHoo!!

      Special trip to the flatlands to pick up an O2 concentrator for our flight to Oahu tomorrow. Another bronch for Ms. OM. We need to find out exactly what kind of fungus is running around in her lungs before treatment can start.

      Then there’s the other stuff that makes all of this but the lung trip look small and petty. Another day ending in ‘y’…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        ALL of it is defective? Don’t let the fuckers sell you crap and get you to take it because “oops, sorry, we know you’re rushed (har har).”
        Tell ’em it’s 50% off, or else they can re-order the good stuff – assuming it’s even worth half the price.
        Two months is nothing when you have to live with the stuff for decades.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Apparently someone was asleep at the quality control switch as all of the end cuts on the flooring were off, not square, so the pieces wouldn’t butt together end to end. The installers checked every box of flooring and our contractor was there and confirmed. “Just off enough to stick out like a sore thumb.” Ordered the stuff through HomDep. Don’t have time to argue with the factory. Going with second option, it’s in stock and cheaper, so money back.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I’m the kind who’d offer 50% and dust off the old table saw.
            But big box chain store + Chinese factory = nope. They’ll throw it in the dumpster and get a rebate on their next order.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Would that I had table saw skill, the saw and the time…

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The installer does. Hope your #2 choice was QC’d by a different worker bee!

          • Jonny On Maui

            Different factory actually…

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Good to go, then. Best wishes to Ms. Maui – speaking from experience, lung troubles can be some scary shit.

      • handyhippie65

        dude, that’s harsh. sending you some love from the cornfield.

      • WomanInAMood

        Damn. Sending good thoughts to you and Ms. OM.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Thank you!

          • WomanInAMood

            I wish I could do more, but I refuse to send thoughts and prayers, you deserve more than that. It’s so hard when somebody you love is sick. My glass is raised westward towards you both.

      • Andre

        Hope Mrs On Maui feels better. Glad you didn’t get stung, maybe you’ll get some tropical honey out of the discovery.

    • handyhippie65

      if we didn’t have each other here in our little community, i think i would have to go live under a bridge. or jump off of it, one of the two.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’m not sure I could go troll…

        • handyhippie65

          at least under my bridge, i wouldn’t have to know about all of the evil of the world. well, i guess it would all pass by me on the river. is it too late to sign up for the mars mission, i wonder?

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Peter Thiel is one scary ass, rich, Republiqueer:
    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/news/a46695/donald-trump-candidacy-american-democracy/

    Oh, and he’ll be speaking at the RNC. I wonder if he’ll tell the drooling idiots that he thinks they shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the future? Personally, I agree with him that HALF the country shouldn’t be allowed to vote, since they’re proving their insanity/stupidity by voting for Trump.

  • Poe’s Law

    I am going to sign off now.

    Maybe tomorrow (Major) *4 can help make sense of things.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Good Night.

    • handyhippie65

      good luck with that.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Why does the NYT insist on scaring the shit out of me?
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2f7f490ba96400bc280727be368ecf7419aec049a82210e0c9e4dd643e60213d.png

    Now we have to actually pray that the Great Cleveland Steamer of 2016 is the total shitshow we’ve been hoping for.

    • Shoto

      Anyone who thinks this thing is in the bag needs to think again. A lot. Events like the one that’s still unfolding in Nice are exactly what motivates the rubes and mouth-breathers. We all need to be very esceeered.

      Vote early and often. It ain’t over until it’s over.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That 20% “undecided” has to include a whole lot of very stupid people . . . which is not encouraging.

        • jwtukker

          No, it’s not. When I heard about the attack in Nice I instantly thought of all the shootings, attacks and unrest in recent months. Then I realized that if this shit keeps up like this all the zombies will be clamoring for someone to protect them from the boogeymen. And that could very well give tRump the election.

        • FWIW, I think the undecideds aren’t trying to figure out T v C, but whether they do their usual party or sit out/go third-party.

      • Rotisserie Teal

        Can’t be said enough. Keep the caveats a comin’

    • BMW
      • Jonny On Maui

        From a quick and dirty search…

        Rasmussen Reports polls make use of automated public opinion polling, involving pre-recorded telephone inquiries.

        From: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rasmussen_Reports

        Their polls are based on folks answering their landlines and spending time with a robocall. Yup. Those are the folks whose opinion I’m really interested in…

        • georgiaburning

          In other words, people with landlines who don’t have caller ID. Sheesh, even my Aunt Katy has caller ID.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            They show up on my cellphone as “This B. Junk”. (Mr. Junk has about 40 numbers now.)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Need Horserace narrative. Like a heroin junkie needs a fix.

    • The Librarian

      I read a blurb in the NYT, maybe the same article. It said she was a “wounded candidate”, that she was considered not trustworthy. And Trump is?????!!!!!11!!!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The Trumpanzees don’t give a shit, that’s the problem (I guess they think he can fuck over China and Russia just like he does his contractors and “University” students.) It’s only the potential Clinton voters who care about honesty.
        One thing is certain: the attack ads are going to be epic.

    • The Wanderer

      Oh, it will. I don’t want to get too graphic, as I might get banhammered.

  • Shoto

    “…What is more fiscally responsible than denying any and all funding to Planned Parenthood of America?”

    Wait, I know this one: Um…Literally everything?

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    Bloody hell. Nice, FR!?! There isn’t enough booze for this year.

  • handyhippie65

    i guess he really is the trumpenstein’s monster now. pasta la bye bye. good riddance to bad rubbish.

  • Mavenmaven

    Well, we have to wait yet a few more days, because Trump is going to war using NATO against whomever and thus has no time to announce his VP.

    • TJ Barke

      Good luck going to war with decentralized barely connected terrorist cells.

      • MarkM

        “Cells”…remarkably apropos. Batteries have cells – you charge them with electricity. Terrorists have cells – you charge them with suspicion, discrimination, violence and hatred.
        Drumpf and his ilk are the best charging system Islamic terrorism has.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    This is how I feel after lugging concrete around all day in the hot sun:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw5M-4Fo2wE

    • phoenix00

      Can’t tell if whining or singing

      • Vegan and Tiara

        WHINING!!!!!! Howling in agony, too.

        • phoenix00

          I’ve heard doggie singing that’s awfully close

  • BloviateMe
  • folderol

    He couldn’t have picked a whiter guy.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      He makes the Queen of England look ghetto fabulous.

    • bseifried

      Trey Gowdy had prior commitments, I guess. Something having to do with some inquisition, or something…?

    • The Wanderer

      I think Edgar Winter passed away.

  • bubbuhh

    A little polling history to reflect on. This is what the polls looked like in the run up to the RNC convention (8/27-8/30) in 2012. Don’t Worry (too much). Be Happy. Do your bit to make sure things work out even better this year. You can always check Clinton vs Trump against Obama vs Romney to steady your nerves.
    http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2012/president/us/general_election_romney_vs_obama-1171.html

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e7e532fd98b6a3c6cb35aee67fa01bcf2215dda55d43d2cdc0974f727128ebf1.jpg

    • cynmac

      Yeah, it’s not who they poll but where they poll. I knew Romney had lost with “Binders of Women”. I knew McCain had lost when he picked Sarah Palin. It’ll be interesting to see when Trump bites the big one. I am betting on the convention, since the GOP is imploding as well.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The convention will probably go according to script – they’re twisting arms viciously to keep the delegates in line. (The Nazi parallels just write themselves now.) Pence ought to seal the deal for women who expect to have rights in this country, so there’s that.
        Drumpf might settle the Trump “University” case just to make it go away (i.e. promise to pay millions, and welsh on the deal after the election.) And he’s proven that he can say and do the most reprehensible shit and not lose his moron supporters. It’s up to the Dems to bury him in attack ads, so that voters know what a disgusting prick he is.

        • cynmac

          Yeah, well if Drumpf welshes, then there is contempt of court charges. I still think the convention is going to be a shitstorm and Drumpf will blow the contest even before the debates. Oh, the debates are going to be glorious.

          • Notreelyhelping

            Remember Clinton’s first debate with Sanders? Yeeeeaah.

      • Notreelyhelping

        I talked a friend off the ledge about this yesterday, and tonight I’m chatting myself down; so I appreciate this. The email thing broke last week, but I suspect it’s like lancing a boil: hurts like hell, but then it starts to heal. If things were really looking rosy for Trump, the whole party would carrying him around on their shoulders and cheering and not looking like there’s not enough Bourbon in the world.

        I mean, look at that speaking lineup. It’s like the Damage Control Crew Full-Time Employment Act just kicked in.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just ran across this quotation, which I’d forgotten about … it reminds me of Obama’s ascent:

      “When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.” -Jonathan Swift

      (Whence the title of J.K. Toole’s novel.)

  • E consuelo

    I love this piece.

  • Rotisserie Teal

    Fantastic article. I find myself chanting: Evan Evan Evan!

  • Politics_Nerd

    Every dollar we spend on Planned Parenthood comes back as SEVEN dollars in savings down the road. Tell me again about fiscal responsibility?????

    • cynmac

      Education, also too. But no, let’s send kids to prison.

      • TJ Barke

        What’s fiscally irresponsible about funneling massive profits to the for-profit prison industry? Why do you hate freedumb?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Lie to me again about fiscal responsibility?????

      FIFY

  • Vienna Woods

    Fuck. The little girl in Calgary whose mom was killed on Monday has now been found dead too. Fuck fuck fuck.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Sniffle…I didn’t even know you had bad things in Canada. I always thought it was just a place with lots of snow, a comedian training ground, and free health care

    • MarkM

      I may just get drunk tonight. Seems like the thing to do.

      • Vienna Woods

        I’d settle for sleeping. Not gonna happen.

  • kindness

    Mike Pence has strong convictions about women and their bodies. Mike want’s to tell them what they can and can’t do with them. Shouldn’t that be enough to convict Mike Pence?

  • MarkM

    Gingrich is on Twitter calling for mass deportation of “every Muslim here” who believes in Sharia law. Something about testing them. Can’t imagine how you would go about doing that. Meanwhile, Peter King is on Fox calling for the surveillance of all American Muslims, claiming “you’re not violating anyone’s civil rights”
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7f65be7a9e59cd875e2a34e2c4673ba3347892d6d122045a1317eaf129db1449.jpg

    • Notreelyhelping

      Really, it’s all they got.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Got to protect the Fatherland, eh?

    • Juan de Fuca

      Isn’t that the same type of political climate that has led to some of the problems in France now? I know it’s too soon to judge and don’t want to blame the victim but WTF is going on in France?

      • MarkM

        They are a lot closer to the problem geographically. I also suspect that Muslims in Europe are much more isolated from the mainstream of their societies than even U.S. Muslims are.

        • cynmac

          Isolated? More like segregated.

      • cynmac

        France went with “freedom from religion” instead “freedom of religion”. Same thing all over Europe. Switzerland denied citizenship to a boy who wouldn’t shake his female teacher’s hand and two sisters that would not take a swim class with boys. Sez that they have “failed to assimilate” like a freeking Borg. France doesn’t let the muslin schoolgirls wear the “heebie jobbies”, sez it violates school uniform policies or some such. What incentive is there to assimilate if there isn’t mutual respect?

        • MarkM

          So of course the Rethugs want to institute policies that have been such a resounding fucking success in Europe. Well, they are wrong about everything else, why should this be the exception!

          • TJ Barke

            Refuse to implement good policies from Europe, insist on implementing failed policies from Europe, you can’t explain that.

          • WomanInAMood

            You can. The Republican party is made up of idiots.

          • MarkM

            They are nothing if not consistent in their stupidity.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Failed policies … plus guns for everybody!
            What could possibly go wrong?

        • Juan de Fuca

          Agreed. With all of that. Probably not the only problem but it sure isn’t helping.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Much easier and cheaper to get there, and much easier to hide in what amount to Muslim ghettos. France has a huge racism problem, that’s only getting worse with the nationalist assholes fanning the embers.

        Fact is, it would have been easy to do the very same thing in the US – and much easier to get the guns. The FDR Drive on July 4 is virtually the same setup.

        • MarkM
          • TJ Barke

            Appropriate.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I’m gonna post that on all the wingnut sites, since they’re bound to be full of gunfuckers’ revenge fantasies. Should get me banned from most of them, but it will be nice to know I burned a few eyeballs.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Surprisingly, nobody is pissed of at the French for subjugating North Africa for a century…

          I love France, but it’s not surprising that some blowback followed them home across the Med.

    • BMW

      Can someone please tell him he can stop auditioning for Trump now?

      • cousin itt

        They’re hedging their bets on a Trump ascendancy. Reichsmarschall Gingrich only serves to please.

    • Spotts1701

      How about we start testing Newt and Peter King on basic civics. If they can’t pass, they go away forever.

      • cynmac

        When they can’t pass… ETA – Newt knows better. He has degrees in history and was a professor. He is willfully being obtuse.

        • MarkM

          I’d agree with cynmac. Definitely “when, not “if.”

        • WomanInAMood

          That would include Tebow, right?

          • data_ninja

            I dunno, he passed speaking at the convention. First (speaker) down!

          • WomanInAMood

            The first time one of his many non-completions could be called successful. And yes, I’m talking about football, you naughty people.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Empty chair makes a comeback!

  • Callyson

    Jesus, I spend one afternoon at a conference and come out of a motivational workshop to find out about Nice?

    I may need to get another vat of liquor to survive next week’s GOP shitstorm convention FFS…

  • cynmac

    Update Trump couldn’t hold it in and announced that the VP pick is ….. Mike Pence. That delay was all of three hours.
    http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/14/politics/donald-trump-vice-presidential-choice/

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Trump couldn’t hold it in, again?
      “I’m not surprised.”
      -Melania Trump

      • VforV, BernieBro Hillbot

        “Tell me about it!” — Ivana
        “I know, right?” — Marla

    • MarkM

      Impulse control is not a Drumpf strong suit.

    • data_ninja

      That Lewandowski hire keeps seeing returns on that investment!

    • SayItWithWookies

      They can still get the unbinding voted on if they get 28 signatures from the Rules Committee, so says the penultimate paragraph. Which I think was their most solid bet. I’m a little torn about the whole battle — I love the drama and I’d love to see Trump overthrown, but he’s also a solid bet to lose to Hillary. But whatever outcome that ends up with Hills as president is fine, even if the Republican Party doesn’t end up disintegrating. I can wait a few more years for dessert.

  • Callyson

    So we can officially call them Trump-Pence-Zees. Good to know!

    • cousin itt

      I prefer xenophobic racist bigots but each her own.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Phlegms?

    • WomanInAMood

      May I borrow this? It’s so damn good.

      • Callyson

        Share and share! Glad to contribute to our nation’s discourse!

  • data_ninja

    The #NeverTrump insurrection seems to be mostly officially squashed.

    ETA: Updated.

    Unruh and proponents have one last stand. They could still work to muster 28 signatures from the Rules Committee — one-fourth of the members — by the opening of the convention Monday. If they succeed, then there is one last opening.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      *Officially* squashed. Doesn’t mean I ain’t still popping the popcorn and settling in with several bottles of teh proseccoz on Monday night…

      • VforV, BernieBro Hillbot

        This had *better* not harsh my bourbon-and-popcoirn fueled Dumpster Fire Pajama-Party Drink-a-Thon!

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        I can’t bear to watch the Republican convention. The only US TV channel I get is CNN, which makes it twice as bad (at least).

        I’ll just tune into Wonkette on a daily basis, to skip all the foreplay and see who is actually getting fucked.

        • WomanInAMood

          Do you mind if I ask where you are watching this from?

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I’ve lived in Europe since 1990, SW Germany since 1992. Basic cable has Euro CNN bundled, so I can always get some Wolf Blitzer when I feel the need. LOL.

        • King of America

          Well, if you care to check out the all-new Republican platform, it turns out anyone that’s not a straight white Christian male. It’s seriously frigging insane.

    • cousin itt

      Entitled Christian mom teacher feels entitled to her choice for president. Listen Unruh, you chose to lay down with VD snakes and you wake up with a Trumpereal disease? Sucks to be you. Stop yer bitching. You and your ilk are to blame. End of story.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Her choice is Ted Cruz, so I ain’t crying for her.
        LOL at her ‘God-given right” to vote for anybody she likes. This is the GOP, and they will tell you what rights God gave you: You have the right to hate gays. You have the right to hate Muslims. You have the right to carry a gun – but not around them. That’s all the important ones, this year.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Typical GOP, maintaining their alternative universe: protestors in Cleveland can only set up where the GOPtards can’t see or hear them.
    http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/07/13/us/politics/cleveland-republican-convention-protest-preparations.html
    The delegates will probably find their hotel TV sets locked to Fucks Gnus.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Sing a song of Mike Pence,
    A pocket full of “why?”
    Four-and-twenty Klansmen,
    Baked in a pie.
    When the pie was opened,
    It smelled just like a dump.
    Wasn’t that a dainty dish,
    To set before King Trump?

    • cousin itt

      I believe “Four-and-twenty Klansmen” is considered a quorum for all legal matters in Alabama. And Mississippi. And South Carolina. And Arktucky. And the Florida Crackerhandle. And most parts of Neckessee and Necktucky.

  • Fartknocker

    So is it Newt or that douchebag from Indiana? Or that brain surgeon? Please let it be Huckabee or a Duggar. I love me some Christian Family values.

    • data_ninja

      As noted below by Cynmac, CNN says it’s Mike Pence, aka Indiana Groans.

      • Bear OmNomNom

        You know what that means, Wonketeers! Time to make “Trump Pence Rule 34” an autosuggest on the Google machine! Lights… camera… dual eyepatches!!!!!

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Indiana Groans and the Country is Doomed!

        • data_ninja

          The judges would have also accepted “Indiana Groans and the Trumple of Doom”.

  • Bear OmNomNom

    So much for a shilling; this ticket isn’t even worth trumppence!

  • Fartknocker

    So it is Pence? Praise Jesus. I call my litle pleasure unit between my legs Pence. It fits so nicely into my hands. Tomorrow when I go to work I will wash my Pensis. Hygiene is so important.

  • Notreelyhelping

    BUILD A FUCKING WALL, FRANCE!

    Oh. Wait….

    • cousin itt

      Because the Ardennes worked so well.

      • Razor’s Edge

        Or the Maginot Line

      • WomanInAMood

        Maginot, Mexicans, potato, potahto.

        Eh, let’s call the whole thing off.

  • Let’s see… The one and only thing I can think of that Trump has said in the last year or so that wasn’t outright horrible is that he’d let Caitlyn Jenner decide which bathroom she should use. I assume that picking Mike “Freedom to discriminate against LGBTQ peeps” Pence was his way of canceling out that lone moment of tolerance? With added bonus of doubling down on the women/poor/brown people hate at the same time?

    This makes me more nauseous than Trump alone. Who’d have thought that was possible?

  • At the corner, turn left

    Ah, Indiana. Another of those pro-life, pro-death states. Not quite in the same league as Texas, but still https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c67f5e982327a1dbb49683e8fe1c2f131fb587153f84a2acd6e687b5f1585800.png

  • URQ196

    Evan no shit, this clown is a shidiot, by the by, if you wanna have our dogs Lolu and JJ take us for a walk, JJ can show us neat places to sniff, yeah,yeah he doesn’t own me https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/52cfa7848f6de870d77ca19073b21d4389d63c73c18f64013e4254b14d5aa58d.jpg

    • WomanInAMood

      Is that JJ up above? S/he’s very cute indeed.

      • URQ196

        Thank you, yeah he was ownes me.

        • WomanInAMood

          All the best dogs own their people.

  • Callyson

    Speaking as an ex-smoker who lost both a beloved grandmother and my mom to lung cancer:

    FUCK YOU MIKE PENCE:

    In 2000, Gov. Mike Pence (R-IN), then running for an open U.S. House seat, came out against a proposed settlement between government and the tobacco industry, calling it “big government.” In a shocking editorial, he wrote: “Time for a quick reality check. Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill.” Pence acknowledged that smoking is not “good for you,” but claimed that two-thirds of smokers do not die from smoking related illness and “9 out of ten smokers do not contract lung cancer.”

    https://media.giphy.com/media/nk0VGmUHYyLgk/giphy.gif

    • WomanInAMood

      I do not think reality means what he thinks it means. Making him a perfect Republican politician. They do prefer to live in a reality-free zone. Easier, you know?

    • MarkM

      “Time for a quick reality check. Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill.”

      He doesn’t mention the medical profession there. I wonder why? The following article, about research conducted in the 1950’s, long before Pence’s run for Congress, might explain the reason. I also wonder how much money he was getting from big tobacco. I guess I’m just a little bit cynical…

      https://www.theguardian.com/news/2005/jun/02/thisweekssciencequestions.cancer

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Yeah, well, nobody ever died from jumping out of an airplane either.

      It was the sudden stop that killed them.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        You can’t prove that D. B. Cooper is dead. Sudden stops don’t kill anyone!!!!!11!11!!!!!!11!

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          I suppose a few might have died from fright…

          DB musta had big cojones. Hard to find much research on parachuting from 727s.

          • Msgr_Moment

            It never caught on. Went over like a lead balloon.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Flight crew shoulda pushed the airspeed up to about 500 knots and climbed up to 35,000′. “Have an nice jump, asshole.”

    • jmhm

      And zero out of ten people are hurt by who someone else loves, but we fucking had to legislate a remedy for that, right, asshole?

  • URQ196
  • Markuserektus
  • Mary Sandoras

    Here’s a fun fact I dug up on Pence.

    “He was also embarrassed by — and forced to abandon — a plan to create a state-run news service, an idea that drew national ridicule. All of it took place against the backdrop of rumblings that Pence had ambitions of his own for the Oval Office.”

    http://www.politico.com/story/2016/07/trump-mike-pence-vice-president-225387

    • cousin itt

      And that’s the Pravda.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      When he said “state,” he meant Redstate.

  • SeanT1001

    How can a guy named Mike Penis be anti-gay, I mean that’s… what? …let me check again…
    …no, no, I’m sure it’s ‘Penis’ because… are you saying ‘Penz’? ‘Pins’? No, ‘pinch’? ‘Finch’? No, it’s definitely ‘French’.
    …wait, that doesn’t make any… ‘Pince’? …ohhh, Pence, as in Pounds, Shillings and… right, okay… but that doesn’t work with the comment, so… no, I can’t do anything with ‘Pense’. No! His name’s not funny, and neither is he… you know what, fuck it-
    How can a guy named Mike Penis be anti-gay?

    • Msgr_Moment

      PANTS. Mike Pants. I think you know how the wonkettariat feels about him.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Build the wall. Keep out the Pantalones.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Trump them britches!

  • cousin itt

    Another sensible policy for a better America.

    Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on Thursday called for the U.S. to test every person with a Muslim background to see if they believe in Sharia law, and deport those who do.

    “Let me be as blunt and direct as I can be. Western civilization is in a war. We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,” Gingrich said in an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “Sharia is incompatible with Western civilization. Modern Muslims who have given up Sharia, glad to have them as citizens. Perfectly happy to have them next door.”

    His remarks came in light of a terror attack in Nice, France, where a large truck plowed through a crowd, killing as many as 80 people.

    “How do we ascertain — how do you possibly ascertain whether or not that person really wants assimilation, really wants a new life, or whether or not they want to expand that caliphate, which is what we’re at war against?” Hannity asked.

    “The first step is you have to ask them the questions,” Gingrich responded. “The second step is you have to monitor what they’re doing on the Internet. The third step is, let me be very clear, you have to monitor the mosques. I mean, if you’re not prepared to monitor the mosques, this whole thing is a joke. Where do you think the primary source of recruitment is? Where do you think the primary place of indoctrination is? You’ve got to look at the madrassas — if you’re a school which is teaching Sharia, you want to expel it from the country.” http://www.cnn.com/2016/07/15/politics/newt-gingrich-hannity-interview/index.html

    Among our chief weaponry is stupidity.

    PS: Gingrich also said Thursday that calling Islam a “religion of peace” is “bologna.”

    “It’s not that Islamists are necessarily evil, but they’re not necessarily a religion of peace,” Gingrich said.

    • freakishlystrong

      Maybe he should get the dumb idiots in his party to provide Bamz with an AUMF? Instead of griping that “we’re at war”, they’re the only legislative body that can actually declare that. But they don’t want to be responsible for it, and..they’re on vacation. Cowards.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Newt’s a Historian. He knows how this shit works. Here is one of his desk references:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrzMhU_4m-g

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        He’s a professor of European History, which is why he knew Churchill would smile at Brexit, although Churchill’s big push was for a United States of Europe and the free trade zone therein.

    • Mary Sandoras

      When I saw that headline, it became obvious Newt is going to be the “Attack Dog” for Trump.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Although he more closely resembles a Basset hound who’s had long-term access to a bit more Alpo than was really required.

        • cousin itt

          Hey, having the runs is no funs.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Rabid attack dog. He’d better be careful he doesn’t get caught.

        • Mary Sandoras

          Inquiring minds want to know. Has he had his distemper shots?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Hell no – the vaccine causes autism!

    • SeeTrain65

      Good. They can start with members of the GOP, since Sharia Law and the GOP platform sync up almost perfectly.

    • Astraea
    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “I fully expect by tomorrow morning that President Obama will have
      rediscovered his left-wing roots and will give a press conference in
      which he’ll explain that the problem is too many trucks,” Gingrich said.
      “If only we had truck regulation, then we wouldn’t have problems like
      Nice because it is trucks that are dangerous. I mean that’s the exact
      analog to Orlando and just tells you how nuts the left wing in America
      is.”

      Shorter Grinch: “I think Obama will say this blindingly stupid thing that I just fucking made up – and that proves how nuts he is.”

      You’re right, Newtie: Whoever would say such a thing is fucking nuts.

      • Astraea

        I didn’t think I could hate Trump any more, but for subjecting us to this asshole again I can muster up a little more.

    • jmhm

      Hey, I know. We can get them to say something like “I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, State, or sovereignty, and particularly to __________ of who (which) I have heretofore been a subject (or citizen); that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion: So help me God. In acknowledgment whereof I have hereunto affixed my signature.”

  • cousin itt

    Tim Tebow won’t be at the Republican National Convention after all.

    The former football star was to be among the biggest names at next week’s GOP convention in Cleveland.

    But he says in a Thursday night Facebook post that his attendance was simply a rumor. He commented roughly 12 hours after Donald Trump’s campaign announced his status as a convention speaker.

    Tebow says: “I just got back from the Philippines, and I wake up this morning to find out that I’m speaking at the Republican National Convention. It’s amazing how fast rumors fly. And that’s exactly what it is, a rumor.” http://www.9news.com/sports/nfl/denver-broncos/tebow-says-hes-not-appearing-at-rnc/273496018

    So, exactly who the fuck is sending out these e-vites for the GOP Con?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Once again, empty chair’s looking pretty damn good again.

    • WomanInAMood

      Obviously, it’s Sandy the cranky, under-appreciated Trumpbot.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        OMG! It’s Lori!

        • She’ll be there, surrounded by a sea of her roommates.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The parking lot will be AWESOME!

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            *Googles “Carjacking”*

          • Parchment Scroll

            And as the grey skinned mass of once-people shamble up to the stage, limbs twitching like puppets with tangled strings, dead eyes unable to focus on anything, the audience feels something lacking in themselves. Before they witnessed the gathering of Lori’s roommates, they were human and whole. Now they are incomplete and will never feel again. This, they decide, as each roommate’s twitches coincide with a third of the others’, is for the best. Who would want feelings in a world with such things in it?

            The mass of dessicated flesh that had once been so enthusiastic about its roommate’s fantastic job opens its mouths. A sea of gaping black maws confronts the city of Cleveland, each wheezing a deep gutteral groan, like an inhalation mixed on some demoniac audio workstation with the shrieking hiss of an old modem handshake tone, then pitched down to the bottom edge of human hearing. The crowd goes tame – limbs and jaws slackening, eyes glossing over.

            Trump looks upon his work and smiles. The Silent Majority is silent no more, its unearthly wails spreading from Cleveland across the world, pulling more and more into the fold. “This,” the leathery orange beast prophesizes, “is gonna be yoog.”

          • And the Orange Derp held sway over all.

          • AnOuthouse

            Call Ghost Busters!

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            This is probably still better than the real thing will be.

        • WomanInAMood

          Dear God, she’s alive?!? Run delegates! Run for your lives!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They must have sent invites to their whole fucking mailing list by accident. That would explain the stellar list of speakers. Timmy probably hit “accept” by accident (it was right next to the “delete” button.)

    • Astraea

      How is it a rumor when the source is the actual campaign?

      That’s called a lie.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        As of today, they never invited him. That’s called a “fact” in Trumpworld.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        The boss is always right?

    • jmhm

      I’m tentatively a little impressed. I suspect my idea of god and his are really different, but using the video where he turned down a night anchoring this particular convention in prime time to say that there’s too much hate in the world and god loves everyone seems… pointed.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      He probablay read their RSVPs upside down: 370HSSV 0773H

      • The Wanderer

        Hee!

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Trump is rethinking the obscure right-wing generals who were on his short list, but Pence has to decide by noon Friday, tomorrow, to run again for Indiana Governor or not. If he does, by quirk of current Indiana law, he can’t be on the ballot for two offices in Indiana. I’m going to stick with Major Lance and just go “hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm; hmm. hmm,hmm.hmm”.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      So, someone is staying up, along with those of us here in the Wonkette Mine, trying to crunch the numbers, say, Christie or Pence, in the Trump camp. He can’t be spending that kind of money. They have the Ouija board out, at best.

      • jmhm

        I can’t believe the Kushner family would sit still for the guy who prosecuted Ivanka’s FIL being on the ticket.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Politics – like prostitution – makes strange bedfellows.

          • jmhm

            The funny thing is, Kushner’s dad got the fuzzy end of the lollipop from Christie because he was a prominent Democratic fixer. Remember when the governor of NJ resigned over giving his israeli boyfriend a government security job he didn’t have clearance for? Kushner Sr was the boyfriend’s sponsor.

            It’s beyond weird that they’re trying to put Trump in the White House.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      So Trump’s first official act as Not-Yet-the-Candidate is to screw up his VP choice. Smooth move, The Donald!

      • So Trump’s first official act as Not-Yet-the-Candidate is to fire his VP choice.

        Waiting for it to occur in 3-2-1….

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Once, there was this boy who, couldn’t stand the poor people and had a lousy haircut. And when, he finally came, to, he’d made, a tiny war with his small hands…

      He couldn’t quite explain it.

      • Astraea
        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          While we’re bringing the 90’s back…

          • Astraea

            Can we just keep the music and get rid of Newt?

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Newt’s the kind of guy that when confronted with a crisis, doesn’t ask WWJD, but WWHD?

          • At least the meatloaf! Gawd I miss meatloaf. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes….

  • Astraea

    Meanwhile, Trump says he’d declare war against ISIS and journalists can’t figure out if he’s too stupid to know what that actually means or if he’s just biggening his words and means he’d use the kind of AUMF that was used for Iraq.

    Maybe it means saying the magic words three times and clicking his heels.

    It probably just means he wants to say tough shit to appeal to the worst of humanity so they’ll send him money.

    • Mary Sandoras

      At first I read that as he wanted to declare was against ISIS and journalists, thinking that he already has declared war on journalists. That thought was disrupted by reading the rest of the sentence.

  • Msgr_Moment
  • No news yet on who the driver of the truck in Nice was.

    And ISIS have not yet claimed responsibility

    And several (or many) Muslims in the crowd were dead.

    on Edit

    Bugger, it seems it was a French Tunisian. I was hoping it might have been a Front Nationale member

  • Mary Sandoras

    WARNING: This pic has graphic content that may be disturbing to some viewers. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/0870fc9f66205cef903ef622ad8a3aacc39ee9fa92fa9df92d8f2e7d61ef5549.png

  • doggiedaddy

    I always thought it would be Trumps daughter whatshername.
    She’s the hair apparent to his company and since he considers running (or not running just winning) the country like a business, she’s the ideal choice.

    Besides, she’s HOT.
    Just ask her greasy pervy brothers.

    • Mary Sandoras

      Speaking of greasy pervy brothers……….

      Report: Josh Duggar May Return to TV, Blames ‘External Forces’ for His Acts of Sex Abuse

      http://www.mediaite.com/online/report-josh-duggar-may-return-to-tv-blames-external-forces-for-his-acts-of-sex-abuse/

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Da Debbil made me do it.

        • Mary Sandoras

          He’s all better now, because Jeebus.

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Ew and Ick. But, I didn’t watch the ratbastard the first time around. Who enables these monsters?

        • Mary Sandoras

          TV ratings?

          • ZangoCrudmonger

            The ratings need a spanking.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          “Christians.”

        • jmhm

          The college-educated working mothers who run programming for TLC and Discovery Communications.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Back to the end of the line, skeezbag. I deserve a reality TV show before you do.

        • Mary Sandoras

          Snarknado? Starring Msgr Moment.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Tony Snark: Irony Man.

      • jmhm

        Where by “external force” he means friction.

        • Msgr_Moment

          “If the mass is acceleratin’
          Please stay outside a-waitin’.”

        • Dutchman

          Perhaps inertia? Just couldn’t stop?

          • jmhm

            The best part is that the Institute in Basic Life Principles, the ‘rehab’ program (founded by a father and son who had to resign over sexual abuse and subsidized by the guy who owns national genital ombudsman Hobby Lobby) teaches that it’s the woman’s fault for overcoming the man’s weak nature with her sinful being female and possessing a human body.

            Mike Huckabee has them doing faith-based rehab in AR prisons. So, yeah, the guy who raped you? Maybe not so sorry any more. Might just be a little pissed that you’re responsible for him being in jail. And he took a seminar, so he’s probably getting out early.

          • Dutchman

            Coupla thoughts there:
            1) Ewwwwww
            2) That’s a Palinesque level of Grifty

          • WomanInAMood

            I’ve read this comment, and circled around it, because I’m in a light-hearted snarky kind of mood, and find it annoying to be enraged. But I can’t help it. This makes me furious. Not at you, jmhm, but at this kind of pathological thinking. Yeah, the victims brought it on themselves. By being female, or young, or so enticingly powerless. So sexy, the assailants just can’t help themselves. Because all men become rapey when they meet women(cis or trans), children, or powerless people.

            Except the majority of men who don’t. It’s a slander on the majority of the human race. It revolts me, it is wrong, and I sincerely hope that these evil fucksticks meet Jesus in all his glory. And I hope that Jesus takes some pictures of these people when they find out what their eventual reward is. Hint – it ain’t heaven.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            Lots of things nicely said. Not so nicely, in a nice way.

          • WomanInAMood

            You are kind. I am not in full rant, but heading that way. This kind of bullshit infuriates me. It is appalling to the victims, and falsely implies that a) all men are rapists, and b) if those men who aren’t rapists, there is something wrong with those fellows, too. I cannot tell you how much I despise these so-called people.

          • Beanz&Berryz

            ya… it’s basically the Taliban view of men’s self-control if they see women. TMen will be driven out of control if they see anything at all, and so women must Burka-up to protect snowflake men from being driven to rapism…

            And in contrast… high 90-something percent of men are basically decent, if not good, toward women.. well, maybe other than the women they are in a relationship with… but that’s another issue…

      • The Wanderer

        Flip Wilson would sue if StinkyFingers claimed “The Devil made me do it.”

      • AnOuthouse

        Poor Robyn always gets the short straw and gets those as assignments.

  • It’s not over till the phat lady sings. I’m still holding my breath for an Ivanka pick. I wonder if he’s going to fire Pense during the campaign and replace him at some point…

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I dunno. Maybe Pense puts out.

      • Msgr_Moment

        That’s what she said.
        EDIT: Oops. I read “pulls out”. Bqhatevwr.

      • You do know that the reliability of that method is only 20%…

  • anwisok
    • Msgr_Moment

      Okay, GrimGrinch, whither does one deport a US citizen?

      • anwisok

        I think I was changing the link at the same time you were writing this. Go read the linked page. It gives more quotes that are, frankly, horrific.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        ‘member when guys with a Ph.D. who’d been Speaker of the House used to be smrt?

        • Msgr_Moment

          To be fair, I haven’t kept up with his work since Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

        • WomanInAMood

          Good times, good times.

        • ZangoCrudmonger

          Jeebus, I looked thinking it’s gotta be an honorary doctorate, but no. He’s an academic.

          Burn him!

          Anyways, this is a larf: http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2011/12/why-newt-gingrichs-phd-thesis-doesnt-matter/249485/

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            “Mr. Gingrich… zero… point… zero.”

            “Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.”

          • jmhm

            WTF was that? He was a dishonest and ignorant scholar who interrogated colonial history from the perspective of people who put a bounty on human ears, but the other unreconstructed confederate romanticist who was nominated for VP a hundred years ago didn’t visit DC? But they can’t find a paper Obama wrote as an undergraduate, so… What?

        • riledupone

          Maybe he needs some of them smrt glasses like Rick Perry.

      • beingreleased

        To one of them places brown people live. It doesn’t matter which one, they’re all basically the same.

        • WomanInAMood

          But isn’t there a wall?

          • Msgr_Moment

            Trebuchet.

          • Longstreet63

            No problem, then. The Defense Department will take 3 years to design a spec for one and the no bid cost plus contract to design and build it will cost $2 trillion and never produce an actual working model. (Although the separately developed Marine version will work well and cost less, but will not actually be ordered, only sold to The Saudis.)
            So pretty much nothing to worry about.

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Puerto Rico? I mean, it’s not like we can put ’em on an ice flow and push ’em off. Done run out of ice.

      • anwisok

        Gitmo.

        • Astraea

          Trump does want to fill it up! What a great team they make.

    • WomanInAMood

      And then he gnashed his teeth. And muttered things. Not nice things, even though Jesus was a good guy. Because he’d had enough.

      • Msgr_Moment

        No. I think he grabbed a lightning bolt and smoteth a bitch. Because He had surely had enough.

        • WomanInAMood

          As long as Newt is defined as a bitch, I’m okay with that, especially since it involves holy writ and votes. Lots and lots of votes.

      • anwisok

        When someone asks, “What would Jesus do,” remember that the answer may involve flipping tables and laying into people with a whip.

        • ZangoCrudmonger

          Makes me wonder what the Son of God’s safe word was(is for you resurrectionists).

        • WomanInAMood

          Gnostic Jesus in a mood is the best Jesus!

    • jmhm

      Sort of makes you wonder how he went about researching all those books fluffing the confederacy he’s put his name on.

      • Longstreet63

        To be fair, the first ones were mostly written by Bill Forstchen, who is pretty good at alt-history civil war stories.

        • jmhm

          Shame he’s going to get the death penalty for reading about enemies of the state, then.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “Let me be as blunt and direct as I can be. Western civilization Rational argument is in a war. We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim Christianist background, and if they believe in Sharia Creationism, they should be deported,” Gingrich said in an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “Sharia Creationism is incompatible with Western civilization Rational argument. Modern Muslims Christianists who have given up Sharia Creationism, glad to have them as citizens. Perfectly happy to have them next door.”

      How’s that First Amendment working for ya, Sparky?

      • Jeff in the desert

        Sorry. The first amendment does not apply to enemies of the state as defined in the Patriot Act. Therefore, I Newtoid, do declare that Moooslims are not citizens and can be held without due process. However, we can’t take away their guns. 2nd amendment is absolute.

        • Longstreet63

          And that’s why Trump should nominate the next SCOTUS justice, and maybe a few others, so Roberts can find that all very constitutional.
          I’m sure his reasoning will be breathtaking.

    • The Wanderer

      Fucking idiot. Gingrich should be tested for whether or not he believes in common decency and the Bill of Rights.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Test him in an isolated room. We know he cheats.

      • Relativicus

        Done and done. He failed.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        No shit.

      • riledupone

        Or marriage vows.

    • Astraea

      I guess deporting them saves the trouble of making a special badge they have to wear.

      • Rick Hill

        but what about the special badge makers?!?? Shouldn’t we give the free market a way to solve our problems, first? And since the prison industry will lose it’s easily manageable marijuana users/cashcow it’s an easy replacement. Just lock ’em up instead of deporting them. Make it a crime to be muslim and it’s a wn/win!

        • Astraea

          Now you’re thinking like a modern Republican!

    • AnOuthouse

      Someone was really desperate to be the VP.

      • WomanInAMood

        I am having strangely happy feelings imagining Newt weeping into his pillow. Perhaps moaning “It was my year, it was my year….”

    • Relativicus

      “What… is your name?”

      “Muhammad al Kabong.”

      “What… is your quest?”

      “Headed over to the grocery store.”

      “What… is your favorite legal system?”

      “Sharia- NO! English Commonaiiiiiieeeeeee…!!!”

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      As a professor of European History, Gingrich looked at the struggles and asked himself, What Would Hitler Do?

    • And there WILL be math, goddammit!

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Al-Gebra?

        • Astraea

          al gore rhythms also, too

    • Parchment Scroll

      Every time I use blockquote, Disqus flags it as spam. Getting sick of this.

      Anyway!

      “If only we had truck regulation, then we wouldn’t have problems like Nice because it is trucks that are dangerous.”
      Hey, I live in Texas. Due to poverty – yes, POVERTY – I cannot legally drive a vehicle, but I can sure as fuck own a gun! WE DO HAVE TRUCK REGULATION, ASSHOLE.

    • pph57

      When they say “of a Muslim background” just how many generations does that go back. Current generation only? One, two, three generations? A “Muslim” sounding name? That sounds like the Third Reich’s view of Jews.

      • There’s a reason for that …

    • How does one test for sharia? Do they have to pee on a stick? “Two blue lines, you’re an ISIS member!”

  • Dutchman

    TrumPence, cuz if they’re elected we’ll all be too poor to sit in the park and feed the birds.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Dump/Pants (see bumper sticker below), because they smell bad and need to be changed.

    • WomanInAMood

      I like Callyson’s suggestion for their supporters – TrumpPencezees. Catchy!

      • jmhm

        I like it, but you know it would lead to hours and hours of Fox talking about how it proves calling Obama [various species of lower primates] for eight years wasn’t racist.

        • ZangoCrudmonger

          Yeah, they’re about as subtle as lorry driver barrelling down the Promenade des Anglais.

          • jmhm

            Probably not the only thing about their thinking that’s remarkably similar.

  • Relativicus

    LOL-lerskates at “LOL-lerskates”.

    • WomanInAMood

      LOL indeed.

  • Rick Hill

    So. Now instead of conservative failing because we didn’t give enough money to rich folks, it’s going to fail because we haven’t tried the very stupidest possible solutions to every problem?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Simple solutions for simple minds.

      • Rick Hill

        There sure are a lot of simple minds around, now. I can’t believe how many people buy the simplest, stupidest response to a problem, even edumicated folks

        • Poe’s Law

          You can count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they’ve tried everything else.

          Winston Churchill

      • Astraea

        But will it be final?

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Now that you mention it, yeah, probably.

  • Longstreet63

    So, Trump has postponed his decision on VP due to the French Attack, however that is supposed to be related. I will find it hilarious should he decide not to pick Pence but not tell him until after it is too late for The Snow Doofus to run for reelection.
    Best of both worlds for Indiana.
    And, hey, it’s not like a president should be predictable or anything, right?
    Perhaps he’s thinking maybe Gingrich is tougher on Radical Islamic Whatevers. But it could piss off Pence’s Culture Warrior base, and maybe lose Indiana.
    I’m ok with that.

    • Rick Hill

      I’m still holding out for him announcing his vp pick at the convention and The Rock walking out on stage to join Turnip.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      We can get hyper analytical around here. What sucks is that Trump is still going to pull close enough to win regardless. He could nominate his left testicle and still get 48%. More a reflection on our fellow voters than anything, I’d wager.

      Anyways, my money is on Pence. Gingrich is far too interesting, like a skin tag, to have trump share the spotlight with him.

  • Jeff in the desert

    Shaaaria, Sharia baaaaaby. Uh, oh they are going to arrest Frankie Valli……

  • Mpeg

    Wow. I dunno how to top this snarkfest from Evan but I’mma bout to read through 1190 comments and see who gave it a shot.

  • Jeff in the desert

    Blinded by the White, cut loose with the doof, another wingnut in the light

  • theblackdog

    So as a gay and a Christian, does that mean I am always demanding cake and pizza from myself whenever my gay ass wants it?

    • and then saying NO

      • Brendan_M

        The newest fad diet craze!

  • Gelsomino Pasqualino

    Did anyone seriously think for even a moment that the Donald would ever tolerate someone he considered brighter, richer, more articulate or more charismatic to be his running mate? HAH! He’s doing to pick the dimmest bulb in the room. Am I right or what?

  • fawkedifiknow

    You don’t even get on Trump’s short list for Veep – say nothing about at the top of it – without being at least six ways from stupid.

  • riledupone

    tRump didn’ want to have to share the spotlight with Calista’s helmet hair.

  • Ducksworthy

    All’s I can say is my hopes for a web based Fetal Funeral Services empire have just gone national.

  • Daisy

    Oh boy, this should be interesting. If interesting means “shitshow” now, that is.

  • sadboy

    Whooppeee, Pence is Trump’s VP pick. Nothing beats a good old fashioned lumpy Midwestern gay hater on the ticket to ‘solidify the base’.

    I’m sure Pence will be a hit with the aging white Gilligan’s Island castaway lookalikes that will be filling the Cleveland convention hall. They’ll have a hoot screaming about tranny toilets and creeping Sharia, and the rapidly dwindling speaker list (Tebow isn’t going after all) should minimize any kind of external third-party voice from interrupting their hatefest.

    • JeffWest

      To be fair, Pence hates women, too. He actually signed a law saying every miscarriage and abortion required a funeral service for the unborn. And that’s how #PeriodsForPence got started.

      • sadboy

        Yea, I should’ve mentioned that but honestly, trying to keep track of the prejudice inventories of GOP candidates is becoming more difficult than solving differential equations. Trying to track how many different groups these folks hate from day to day has become too burdensome to be worth the effort anymore.

        • WomanInAMood

          It saves time to just assume they hate everybody. With the exception of white males aged 40 and up who are very, very stupid. And credulous. And, oh, I already mentioned stupid.

  • Citizen Emperor

    The official Trump/Pence election logo looks rather fascist.

    For real.
    http://www.politico.com/story/2016/07/trump-vp-pick-mike-spence-logo-225612

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      The P is giving the T a reach around — but it could not find anything and just contiunued full circle.

  • andyshelt

    Well, I realise that Evan has his work cut out in covering all the incredibly idiotic things that Trump’s VP pick believes in but just to add a few of Pence’s thoughts on scientific issues to show that the above story only scratches the surface of the utter stupidity of the man.

    On Climate Change:
    “Global warming is a myth,”

    And Evolution:
    “Um … I, do I believe in evolution? Ah, I, I, ah … I embrace the, uh —
    the, uh — the view, ah, that God created the heavens and the earth, the
    seas and all that’s in them.”

    And on tobacco:
    “Time for a quick reality check. Despite the hysteria from the political
    class and the media, smoking doesn’t kill. In fact, 2 out of every
    three smokers does not die from a smoking related illness and 9 out of
    ten smokers do not contract lung cancer.”

    Isaac Asimov summed it up best:

    “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread
    winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the
    false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’”

  • JParkerSD46

    It’s been said before but bears repeating. The Republicans, who claim to want limited government, less regulation and more personal freedom, sure don’t seem to feel that way when it comes to people’s sexual preferences, i.e. teh gayz, people’s religious preferences, i.e. the Moozlims, or women’s rights, i.e. pretty much anything and everything. Moronic hypocrites.

    • IdRatherBeDancing

      Only thing I’d change is “sexual orientation” as opposed to “preference” — I did not choose to like weiner. It chose me :-)

      • JParkerSD46

        Oops. Thanks. Good call.

  • JeffWest
  • OrdinaryJoe

    So. I’d say he sounds like Sarah Palin with a dick but we already did that and once was enough. I’m going with GOTeaPeehole.

  • ken_kukec

    Not since E. Howard Hunt joined force with G. Gordon Liddy, and Haldeman hooked up with Ehrlichman in the corridors of the West Wing, have treachery and farce been so closely conjoined in the Republican bloodstream.

    • Steely_Fan

      Well, yeah, but Bush & Cheney ran them a pretty close second.

  • gratuitous

    Just wait; Trump will change his alleged mind again, and it will be too late for Pence to file for re-election as Indiana’s governor (not that he was all that likely to win). That would make it a truly Trumpian clusterfuck.

  • Ducksworthy

    Thus began the future common saying: “I wouldn’t give Trumpence for their chances.”

    • kaydenpat

      Brilliant!

  • Marcinema

    It’s sick, but I am looking forward the the Republican convention. It’s like anticipating slowing down to watch an accident that has not happened yet.

    • kaydenpat

      Me too although I probably will end up clicking off the television several times. I plan to watch coverage by Sam Seder’s Majority Report which should be fun. Not sure which other Lefties are covering it live.

      • Marcinema

        Sam Seder is great. I believe Bill Maher is going to do nightly coverage. He knows this is a once in a life time cluster f^^k, and he does not want to miss it.

    • iamrrm

      it’s like stock car races with less revving of engines.

  • Harbinger08

    Pence is such a dull choice. The list of speakers at the convention has become so boring it should stupefy the attendees and somewhat mitigate the chances of violence on the convention floor.

    • melina1222

      “…somewhat mitigate the chances of violence…”

      Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

    • kaydenpat

      Well, when they start harping on and on and on about Benghazi, President Clinton’s scandals from the 90s, etc., etc., that should liven things up.
      NOT.

    • glennisw

      Oh, I dunno, I’m sure Eric Trump’s expert point of view on BENGHAZZZZZZIIIII! will be riveting.

      • JurisGal

        Too bad Benghazi expert Wayne Simmons is tied up at the moment . He would bring down the house!

  • kaydenpat

    Pence isn’t popular in Indiana and probably would have lost if he ran again. How is he going to help Trump?

    • Harbinger08

      It looks like Trump’s options were limited. Do you think Newt would have helped any more?

      • WhyFelicia

        Even Newt admitted that he wouldn’t have helped. I really wish Trump had picked Newt.

        • Harbinger08

          Me, too. Palin being too much to even hope for.

        • Ducksworthy

          Gnut is funnier. Trying to use big words all the time.

    • JurisGal

      How will he help Trump?! Didn’t you watch the introduction or read recaps? “He’s a solid, solid person,” is what Trump said. That is way more than enough!! Pence isn’t just solid. He is ” solid, solid!” Dating myself & apologies to Ashford & Simpson and the Solid Gold Dancers but Pence is obvs : solid as a rock, solid gold. Or solid “gilt” ( is that possible?) to borrow from Dok Zoom.

  • Poe’s Law

    Periods for Pence.

    Yeah, that kind of period.

    Sorry, Evan.

    http://www.bustle.com/articles/172933-periods-for-pence-has-come-back-with-a-vengeance

    • WhyFelicia

      That was some of the best trolling I have ever seen.

  • WhyFelicia

    Pence is the New Pawlezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

  • EvilForce

    Wonkette… “A Idiot”? Try “An Idiot”.

    • Harbinger08

      Really? Are you sure?

    • Read the FAQ

      Well that kind of flew right past you didn’t it? ;-) Yes, life isn’t easy for some folks to understand when things are a bit too subtle …..

    • snark-lurker

      eVILEfARCE: you no knot of wut you speek

    • Iam Reading

      Ewe muss bee gnu hear

    • Ducksworthy

      That doesn’t sound right. Isn’t “an” a conjunction as in “This an That”?

  • CarolinaStewPie

    Trump wanted Bobby Knight. Now, that might’ve won him some votes.

  • URQ196

    Does Pense share the same hairdresser as that French President fellar?

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