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Tony
Tony
Tony, he’s this guy. Sure, you may think he’s just some bro asshole douche man who at 31 lives with his parents so he can spend his $130k salary (lol, Canadian) on bottle service and trying to recreate the douchiest parts of Hangover II (which is all of them), but in fact, Tony is a Thoreauvian ascetic whose pursuit of bro weekends spent driving Lamborghinis actually means he is purer than you, because Tony has figured Life the fuck out:

Tony is better than you because he will not buy a house.

Tony is not tied down by “things” — he’s a rootin’-tootin’ manly guy who understands experiences are better than things, especially since he still has access to all the creature comforts he wants, they are just paid for by his parents instead of by him.

Tony’s thoughts — written at a length that used to be reserved for New Yorker stories until Millennials came along to take 30,000 words to plumb the meaning of that morning’s dump — were first excavated from the depths of the Toronto Life website by Phoebe Maltz Bovy at the New Republic, who points out the grand similarities between him and other ascetics like Whit Stillman. Stillman lives, ascetically, in a two-floor Paris penthouse filled with antiques owned not by him but by his presumably millionaire girlfriend, so it’s completely different.

Perhaps Tony’s inane and rambling screed isn’t meant to imply that his life philosophy — spiritually affirming, mind-expanding “experiences” over grubby little “things” — is morally superior to yours because he spends money on $200 bottles of wine instead of a “house” to “live in.” (Tony seems entirely unaware that Lamborghinis and bottles of wine are “things” as well.) Instead, perhaps Tony merely intends to say his financial strategy is superior to yours because Toronto’s housing market is a sucker’s game — it’s entirely possible his point was obfuscated because his essay was as poorly edited as it was written. And based on other idiot things we’ve read in Toronto Life over the years, Toronto’s housing market seems stupid indeed! Why not make like Italy and let mama wash your drawers till you’re 40?

We can’t bear to excerpt for you the adventures Tony thinks are superior to paying to live somewhere, but we can bear to excerpt what he thinks is a fate worse than your mom not letting you fuck a girl in your own home when you’re 31 years old:

If you’re in your late 20s or early 30s, you’re looking at two options when it comes to real estate, and both come with serious downsides. The first is to leave the city and buy somewhere in the distant reaches of the GTA. One couple I know—he’s an engineer and she’s a support worker for children with autism—bought a brown-brick four-bedroom semi with a backyard in Ajax for $500,000. They can afford a vacation now and again (they went on an all-inclusive trip to Cuba a few years back), but their nights out are limited to what Ajax has to offer. For their anniversary, they went to a hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant for a meal that cost $30, total. They have to drive absolutely everywhere, they go out on the town maybe once a month, and most of their disposable income goes toward saving for their kid’s education.

Thirty dollars for an anniversary meal? Only the occasional vacation to Cuba? Saving for their child’s college? HOW DO THEY EVEN LIVE?

Your editrix has a touch of the upright, uptight burgher to her — Adult Child of Alcoholicdom can do that to a gal — but even so, she does not believe home ownership to be the highest goal in life; nor does she believe it automatically confers the qualities of good citizenship on a couple just as soon as they fly their first American flag from the porch of their single family home.

And yet she does watch a lot of “House Hunters.” And she finds herself continuously mesmerized by Millennials whining that this four-bedroom house on the ocean has the wrong colors of interior paint and only a single vanity in the “ensuite.” (Sink. “Vanity” means sink. Because it has occurred to exactly nobody that if you have two sinks you have to CLEAN TWO SINKS.)

Your editrix is also in the process of buying a fairly modest yet extremely pleasant house near-but-not-on-a-lake that is her first. (SNUCK THAT IN AT YA, DIDN’T I!) Millennials aren’t the first generation that couldn’t afford to buy a house when they were 22 years old and still ensure it had all the double vanities and granite countertops and stainless steel refrigerators that are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to one’s happiness, because one has gross taste and weird entitlement issues. Why, some people can’t buy a house until they are married and a spring chickenish 43!

Tony is 31 years old. Of course it’s not necessary that he buy a house! He has no family to shelter. He can douche around the world as long as he would like to! If he doesn’t want to limit himself to $30 Thai food, he is able to spend ridiculously on every dish he cares to. He details those dishes onanistically and yet perfunctorily, as you would expect from Tony, because, I am telling you now, Tony is a TERRIBLE LAY.

Don’t keep waiting for Tony, ladies. Where he is, who he is with, what he is thinking, is he thinking of you? Tony is not thinking of you. Tony is busy grabbing LIFE by the BALLS because Tony is a boring, spoiled child with nothing interesting to do or say.

[TorontoLife via NewRepublic]

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  • CJTX

    Terrible lay libelz!

    • The Wanderer

      I’m not sure of that. The worst sex I ever had wasn’t bad at all.

      • rebecca

        so, you’re a wonker of the male type?

        • TJ Barke

          We’re simple creatures.

        • The Wanderer

          I are. About a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale.

    • Lizzietish81

      I don’t know I’ve had sex that I just wanted to end so I could go back to watching tv

  • The Wanderer

    So, um, is this guy waiting for some rich supermodel to whisk him away to the world of his dreams, or is he just a dead loss with no insurance?

  • Lazy Media

    First they came for the spoiled, entitled douchebags, and we all had a good laugh.

  • ArgieBargie

    I don’t think some Millennials realize they won’t be young and cool forever, especially those in their early 30’s.

  • JMP

    I lived with my parents for a while at that age – because I was going to grad school, and later underemployed, and so had very little money. As soon as I had a decent amount, I got the hell out of there. I certainly would never have fucking bragged about it.

    • Justno

      Same here. Got out as soon as I could for my own sanity and also because my mom had enough sense to realize irresponsibility is not a successful long term strategy.

  • Jay Vaughn

    As a Millennial with a house with granite counters and a stainless fridge, also all metal in the kitchen that isn’t a knife or pan should be stainless always or it looks dumb, I really wish I had a double vanity in the main bathroom.

    • rebecca

      lol

  • Belasaurius

    my dream of living with parents forever died when they did. The endz and fuck this guy.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    The double sink is convenient for post-coitus junk washing.

  • Belasaurius

    This is why I have Tony-phobia.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I’m going to have to state the obvious and say that a couple in love spending $30 on a local Thai meal sounds like an infinitely more valid life experience than a fucking Lamborghini that wouldn’t last a day on Toronto’s notorious potholes anyway.

    • Jeff in the desert

      But since you can’t legally test its limits, it is stupid to own. Look at me!!!! There is a huge (yoooooge) difference between having money and having class. I can’t think of a orange example right now, but I’ll get back to ya…

      • Jay Vaughn

        Exactly, you can spend a quarter mill in a car and have class, Kaiser Darrin, but not on some eurotrash piece of shit.

      • Biff52

        I have neither money nor class, but I’m doing OK!

    • Malmborg Implano

      I wouldn’t advise eating at a hole in the wall. If that’s all you can afford you’d be better off cooking something nice at home.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Some of the best ethnic food I have had in my life were lil hole in the wall places tucked in corners here and there….of course, I don’t cook well.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Broculture bores the shit out of me.

  • Steven M. Harries

    Tony should man-up like Peter Thiel.

  • Callyson

    I’d love to see Tony get interviewed by a homeless person.

    • nothingisamiss

      Or maybe just to experience life as a homeless person.

  • baconzgood

    “Tony, he’s this guy” was a nick name of one of the shyerest dudes I ever met.

    In private we called him “Tony Marconi” because he loved Mac & cheese and was a dego.

    I think his real name was Paul I think, and his family was Hungarian (or Serbian)…cool exchange student.

    • Steven M. Harries

      “Dago.” At Wonkette, we can at least live up to our xenophobic standards.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    all the double vanities and granite countertops and stainless steel refrigerators that are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to one’s happiness, because one has gross taste and weird entitlement issues

    I’d like to add those stupid sliding “barn” doors

    • rebecca

      what’s up with those? where are they going to put all their paintings?

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        I don’t know, but Mrs. Chesterfield mentioned putting them somewhere in our new home, and I was all “o.O”

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Full disclosure: I like a sliding barn door. But on, like, a barn or other out building. Then, they are cool.

      • GDleftyPart2

        Paintings? How “olds” of you….
        Where will the wagon wheel chandelier go is the real question.

      • Jon Sussex

        Their gallerist is of the Martin Luther school?

      • clubseal

        Do millenials even like paintings? I’d suspect they would already have a dedicated wall space for pictures of their food.

      • Biff52

        I haven’t watched the show, and am not familiar with the barn door phenomenon, but can you hang art on the doors?

    • Vincent Ricola

      Those barn doors are hideous. That one twin on the twin HGTV show puts them everywhere and I can’t figure out why.

    • GDleftyPart2

      We can’t live here, the walls are painted a color we don’t like……gaaaaaah, maddening to me since my first house had an “as-is “addendum and we painted and redid the floors…no creativity or wanting to “make it mine” with the idiots on some of those shows.

      • clubseal

        “I don’t like the carpet” has to be even worse. It’s infinitely easier to pull a goddamn carpet out than to tape everything and paint the walls.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I love those shows because I have no taste. Anyway this one time these cute youngs were looking at a house that met all their criteria and the girl was all…oh too bad that light fixture is so hideous.
          I wanted to break something.

          • clubseal

            You should have broken a light fixture and mailed it to her.

          • rebecca

            “I don’t like gold fixtures.” YOU ARE BUYING A ONE MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE, SEND SOMEONE TO HOME DEPOT.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Too much brass! The brick on the fireplace is the wrong shade of red!

          • Shan

            My house has a lot of brass-type stuff in it that I’ve been trying to replace over the years. It’s like the previous owner had a thing for 80’s fern bars. Ugh.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            yeah I am not a fan of the brass myself XD But you replace a thing once a month or so, you know?

          • Shan

            I am currently looking for a shower conversion kit for my clawfoot tub but it’s proving difficult because the ugly-ass brass gooseneck fixture is deck mounted (like a sink, on the top of the tub rim) rather than tub mounted (on the inside of the tub). I can get a cheapo kit for $100 at Home Depot but the others have to be ordered from specialty hardware stores and cost many times that amount. Plus, I’m going to have to get a plumber to do the work AND a carpenter to mount the shower ring on my lath-and-plaster walls. GOOD JOB I’M IN CONSTRUCTION HUH?

      • Jay Vaughn

        That isn’t real, I refuse to believe that.

        • Malmborg Implano

          It is the emmis truth and I think there’s some good reasoning behind it. You look at that carpet or that light fixture (especially how old they are and the condition they’re in) and it tells you something about the people who’ve owned that house and how they’ve treated it. Also, the personality reflected in the choices they’ve made indicates what kind of experience you’re going to have dealing with them in a sale. If they’re willing and able to put in the money and effort to stage a house in order to make it inviting to buyers, you’ll probably get a better deal.

          • Tansy Geek

            Hey, I like my southwestern but not really, carrot colored bathroom. I’m going to sell it as “an acquired taste”. But I will make an effort to fill in all the holes in the sheet-rock elsewhere.

      • DinkyBossetti

        When MrBossetti and I were house shopping, I made sure to make all the stupid comments we saw people make on those shows. I complained about paint colors. I opened the closet then asked where he was going to put all his clothes. I suggested I might allow him to have a “man cave.” I complained that there was no master suite, just regular old bedrooms and a hall bath. I said about every single house, “but it’s not in Downingtown,” because we saw a wife say that to rule out houses that were otherwise perfect, when they were *just* outside of Downingtown.
        In short: I’m hilarious. Or he’s a very patient man.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Our house came with pink wallpaper. Lowe’s rents steamers.

    • Sardonicuss

      Hey. You need to put “distressed corrugated tin” on all the walls too… Or make a headboard out of it…because living with the outside of a barn in your house (and zinc poisoning) is cool.

    • Jay Vaughn

      You guys are being sooo mean to my house.

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        Hey!
        I opted for post-coital junk-washing in the extra sink over using it as a urinal, which was my first inclination.

        • Jay Vaughn

          No, that’s what the master bath is for.

    • clubseal

      Every episode of house hunter type shows just about breaks my eye-rolling muscles when I hear “open concept” a thousand times.

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        The open concept is nice for young couples, but the appeal fades as you want to be in a room by yourself.

      • Vincent Ricola

        Me too. I go into other rooms to avoid my family, as goddess intended. I don’t need to watch them watch teevee while I cook, all that does is breed resentment.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Makes me want to bounce someone’s head off the nearest peninsula.

      • wide_stance_hubby

        If good fences make good neighbors, then good walls make good households.

    • Malmborg Implano

      I wouldn’t call stainless steel appliances and granite countertops gross, just impractical, because of the horrific endless fingerprints and risk of permanent staining. I would recommend quartz counters and plain old white (if you’re good about cleaning them regularly) or black (if you want a sexier look) appliances.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        This one thousand times. I will never, ever, ever again own a stainless steel appliance. Dear lord, no. If I happen to buy a house that has em, I will paint the motherfuckers.

        • DinkyBossetti

          My method is to not give a shit about fingerprints, or the streaks that result when I clean the fingerprints off.

          • Tansy Geek

            Or the scratches that resulted when I foolishly tried to clean the smudges off.

          • DinkyBossetti

            It gives it “character.” Now it goes with the modern rustic look so many people seem to want, what with their sliding barn doors and corrugated tin on the inside of the house and all.

          • Tansy Geek

            They should swing through rural areas before they consider installing that shit. When you see it in place be necessity, it kind of reduces the cache.

        • Biff52

          To be honest, I’m sick and tired of stainless sinks, too.

    • DinkyBossetti

      Well NOW what am I going to get you as a housewarming gift?!

  • Vincent Ricola

    It must be nice to live out your life of leisure activities at the expense of your home-owning parents getting a chance to live out their dreams of being old and carefree.

    Oh wait, I didn’t mean nice, I meant inconsiderate and fucking awful. I hope Tony’s next bottle of wine makes him sick and his next stripper fling gives him the herpiederps.

    • artem1s

      I hope his parents read the fucking article and kick his ass out of the basement.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    How do you say “Mom! The meatloaf” in Canadian?

  • Lizzietish81

    I am 35, live on my own, completely independently from any parental figure, in Brooklyn.

    And no Tony, even if I wasn’t taken by the adorable man who squued when I gave him a plush hedgehog, I would not fuck you.

    • nothingisamiss

      I need an adorable man who squues (whatever that means, I like it) when I give him a plush hedgehog. Rebecca has my contact info. Think of your wonker friends if he has a brother/cousin/friend/etc.

      • Biff52

        I think hedgehogs and ponies are interchangeable around here.

      • Lizzietish81

        Damn, fixed it

  • Oneofthebobs

    I will not smell the douche and I certainly won’t buy it.

  • SessileRaptor

    As a 40 something who owns an 80 year old house I have to put up with horrors like closets that aren’t walk-in, “house-a-Bulgarian-family-of-12” in size, occasionally having to wash my hands in the kitchen sink because my wife is in the only bathroom (OK, we have a 1/2 bath in the basement, but that’s owned by the spiders.) and having about 10 square inches of counter space in the kitchen. Somehow we survive and carry on, and one day people will read about it in my memoir, “The Least Hard Time.”

    • janecita

      Let me tell you about horrors, my attic and my basement are both unfinished, and my second floor carpet is beyond ugly! I just don’t know how I still have the strength to go on!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Ah, the thirties: back when carpenters had a sense of humor.

    • Steven M. Harries

      Test-Tube Stud Donald Trump has lesser hard times, which may explain why he’s in a rage all the time and his head looks like it’s covered with bleeding spiders..

  • Notreelyhelping
  • AngryBlakGuy

    For their anniversary, they went to a hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant for a meal that cost $30, total.

    …how many times am I going to use the word MORON in one day?!?!? Let me share a couple of stories with you! Shhhhhh! Keep your voice low!!! I once dated a woman before Mrs. ABG that was thin as a pole but loved fast food. When I asked her where she wanted to go for her birthday she said “Wendy’s”. Mind you I had allocated over $200 dollars for that night and only ended up spending $22. Now fast forward to the gem of my life, Mrs. ABG! I met her when I was 25 and broke as hell. Our first date was a meal at Denny’s and a movie. To this day we still take “romantic” mommy/daddy trips to Denny’s for Nachos, just because it reminds us of the old days(LoL, I’m 35 and she is 30). If this Ass-Clown can’t understand sentimental attachment then he will never find a woman willing to spend their life wife him

    • Yup. It’s not what you spend, it’s whom you’re spending time with. :)

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …eggzactly!!!

    • Justno

      Still living with parents is usually a deal breaker.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …yeah, it’s never a good thing when you are middle aged and still have a curfew

        • Tansy Geek

          Weirdly enough, I have owned (well,been paying off) my house since I was 30 and I still have nightmares I live with my parents and that I am fighting with my dad because i stayed out all night with my husband.

      • TJ Barke

        Hey! Some of us actually are poor, and there is no affordable rentable property left.

        • One of my ex’s lives with her parents, it’s just easier to make ends meet.

          Of course, her ‘rents are Mormon, which I think is the best explanation for why she faded away with no goodbye.

        • AngryBlakGuy

          …very true! However, this assclown is spending his money renting Lamborghinis

          • TJ Barke

            Yeah, what a douche.

          • Justno

            My mom bought my brother a house and a truck. He’s still whining because he is certain he was somehow screwed in the life lottery. So my views on this kind of entitled assnuttery are biased.

        • Justno

          Sorry, that’s not what I meant. I should have added when you don’t have to for financial reasons.

        • nothingisamiss

          True. Can I get a represent from the bay area?!

    • grindstone

      I adore your typo on the last sentence. Works!

    • edith prickly

      Tony only eats out so he can brag to people about how much he spent. If you shit on a plate, called it “artisanal feces with corn and nut flecks” and charged him $200 , he’d go for it.

      • Jacquelinedlaird

        <.
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    • proudgrampa

      They let you in at Denny’s?

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …meh, it’s S.Florida

    • JustPixelz

      Many people (me included) say the best meals of their life were pizza and beer with best friends.

    • Little Lulu

      Amen!

  • Jay Vaughn

    When deciding on a house to buy you should chose the one that has a floor.

    • GDleftyPart2

      As a roofer in another life I can tell you a roof is good to have too.

      • Jay Vaughn

        Also too: walls. But you get those three you buy.

      • Jon Sussex

        One that doesn’t leak is even better.

      • Serai 1

        Doors. They tell you doors are optional, but they’re lying.

      • brucej

        Well that means our house was great! it had seven! (when we had to have ours redone I was there for the general astonishment of the roofers at the number of re-roofs the place had had over the 60 years it had been there. )

        We ended up needing significant structural repairs, too because one part of the roof was built with 2×4 rafters. Sixteen foot 2×4’s

        All busted in the middle from the weight of seven roofs…

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I did a roof like that in Iowa. Mind you, Iowa gets snow, so 7 layers of shingles +snow= rip the fucker off and redo it entirely.

        • Shan

          Yeah, I had the roof on my 100yo house re-done about 10 years ago and it had so many layers on it, it went down to freaking wooden shingles. I know this because the roofer left half of them and hundreds of nails all around my house and driveway.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            oooobad roofer :k cleanup is part of the job, yo.
            Well, the part that your apprentices do *muttergrumble*

          • Shan

            Yeah. Fortunately, I was able to rummage up a yooooge magnetized tool designed for the exact purpose of combing through your grounds to grab up the nails.

            They also parked the tear-off dumpster on the nice paving accent next to my driveway and the weight of it buried the bricks so deep I could never get them out. And they crushed a bunch of plants. And tore off all the guttering, the replacement of which was NOT included in the quote.

            I should have backcharged the mufukkas.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Yeah you should have :k I fucking hate people like that. Give contractors a bad name, and there are good ones out there.
            Usually these fucknozzles underbid everyone else, too, then do a shit job, then when the homeowner pleads a good guy to come by, they get sticker shocked and then they get all the blame for the whole fiasco.

          • Shan

            I know lots of good contractors now since I work for a GC. But 10 years ago, I hadn’t been in the house very long and was freshly divorced, with 2 little kids, and just didn’t have the energy to get into a fight with them.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            :hugs: I am sorry that ever happened to you. It only makes me more mad to know that you were alone with 2 kiddies so the fucker probably took advantage of the lil woman thing.
            grraaaahhhhh

          • Shan

            It’s possible they were just lazy and overworked. I had the roof job done along with most of the rest of the city after we got pounded by a biblical hailstorm.

          • Hairstrike Alpha

            Those were presents for your kids and tires….he was being thoughtful.

          • brucej

            Heh, ours was done in ’07 and I’m STILL finding roofing nails around the yard.

          • Shan
          • Jen_Baker_VA

            You can make one with a lil ducktape and a strong magnet off your fridge :D

          • Shan

            I don’t know where the duct tape is since my ex moved out!

    • phoenix00

      Those cost extra

      • Jay Vaughn

        A lot less extra Than you’d think. On two comparable homes, minus that one had a floor, the difference was only like 5%

        • phoenix00

          Not to mention the bump in resale value?

    • My parents’ first house libel!

  • Ghenghis McCann

    ‘distant reaches of the GTA’
    Tony, I hate to tell you this but ‘Grand Theft Auto’ is a video game, not a documentary.

    • The Wanderer

      Doesn’t it also stand for “Greater Toronto Area?’

      • brucej

        Oh there you go with your “facts” and “reality” messing perfectly good snark! 8-P

      • Ghenghis McCann

        He probably thinks there’s little difference. He was never allowed to wander too far in case he met those poor kids.

        • The Wanderer

          True.

    • Vincent Ricola

      For many reasons, I feel this needs to be repeated more often.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      But it’s true properties are cheaper when you get out of central Vice City.

      • TJ Barke

        Los Santos or GTFO.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Some of us bought homes, or condos, because we knew that if we didn’t own our own homes by the time we were ready to retire, we’d never be able to afford market rents on our Social Security and shitty 401(k).

    But hey, this guy’s folks will probably have croaked and left him the house by the time he wants to retire, so yay him.

    • exinkwretch

      I spent my 40s and early 50s as a divorced King County renter. When my youngest graduated from high school and my child support obligations ended, I got the hell out Seattle and bought a nice, brand new house in Olympia. Paid 20 percent down with an inheritance. My mortgage, insurance AND taxes are lower than the sweetheart rent deal I had just north of Seattle. Three years later, appreciation has already earned me back that down payment. I can sell and move somewhere even cheaper or do a reverse mortgage to augment my retirement. Buy if you can. Move if you need to.

      • Bitter Scribe

        You’re lucky. I bought at exactly the wrong time and watched my condo drop $30K in value. But I’m still not sorry I bought, for the reasons I stated above.

  • They call it “home moanership” for a reason.

  • timpundit

    I do not have a dishwasher. Someone hold me.

    • rebecca

      don’t even get me started on House Hunters International!

      “We’re in the Caribbean, but this apartment on the beach doesn’t have a dishwasher? I’m afraid that’s a dealbreaker for me.”

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I can’t watch that one anymore. I got too punchy. I do love me some fixer upper, though!

        • Vincent Ricola

          Tiny house hunters is the one I love. My husband and I make terrible jokes about which one of the uniquely special and edgy families that only need 150 sq ft of open space for their family of 5 are going to show up on crime TV.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            heh AOT, K!

            I grew up in a small house with 9 people (plus random move-ins and fosters!) and I can honestly say that those folks are doomed to early divorce, at the best.

          • Vincent Ricola

            And a cautionary tale that ends in murder/suicide at worst.

          • AngryKatie

            We lived in a 200sq ft studio with no heat for 15 years (San Francisco – you might hate your apartment, but you sure as shit can’t afford to move).

            The idea of trying to live in so little space now makes my eye start twitching. For a while I worked a second job just so I could have some alone time without someone breathing on me.

          • Biff52

            I have a 678 sqft house. I can’t imagine having to live in anything smaller. I can’t wait to get rid of it!

    • YoBunnyBunny

      You know, I have never lived anywhere with a dishwasher… Well… actually… my mother bought a dishwasher but she never hooked it up, so it was basically just extra counterspace in the kitchen…

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        My son informed me that I am our dishwasher.
        Guess who gets to do the dishes now? Hint hint, it isn’t me!

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          I made pretty much the same comment to my mom about 40 years ago with the exact same result. I

    • A pain I know all too well…

    • Biff52

      Know what? I installed one in the house I built. It still has the instruction manual inside. I’ve never even cycled it to see if it works. Been eight years now.

  • Parchment Scroll

    Oh hey, I thought I was renting because I was broke. Turns out I’m just a free spirit who doesn’t want to be tied down by possessions, maaaaan.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPPvkhGZT7Y

    That’s deep… if you’re in High School.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Hey, Tony,
    Ask your parents when the last time they could afford an all expense paid trip to Cuba was, especially since they are supporting your dumb ass.

    Also: Creeping up on 15 years of marriage. Total number of nights on the town Hubby and I have spent: 10. Fuck you.

  • I Only Like Cats

    Wow, if I made that much, I would buy a house. And then remodel it to my exact wishes, because that is in fact, an option. You see the millennials who complain but they really are just a vocal minority. The rest of us are trying to figure out how to afford the deposit on an apartment.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I’d tell you it gets better, but after 15 years…I still rent XD So. Erm. It gets better.

    • JMP

      And at least in a lot of areas, the rent has going up way faster than inflation over the past few years, so actually being able to afford an apartment is becoming a thing of the past.

      • I Only Like Cats

        My boyfriend (who actually lives with his parents, so I don’t have to live with my crazy ones), my friend (who’s training to be a dental assistant), and myself are pooling monies together to get a place. Unfortunately, till he finishes his college education in the next couple of years, he’ll be stuck on this side of the border (or fortunately, if Donald Trump wins the election).

      • YoBunnyBunny

        I’m in the DMV, and I don’t know too many millennials who can afford an apartment by themselves. Mostly group houses and roommates around here. Granted, I live by myself, but I’m in a not-so-trendy, slightly hood area of Baltimore. I was renting a room from family before that.

        • JMP

          It used to be the roommate thing was just for people in and recently out of college; but the rent’s just gotten so ridiculous that it forces people to keep doing it well into their 30s. I’m in the Bay Area, which is really bad thanks to all the tech bro douches.

  • maman

    I am torn between feeling sorry for his mother and wondering what the fuck she did to fuck those boys up so much. Either way. I hope she is charging those two dicks rent and putting the money into long term care insurance.

    • I Only Like Cats

      I know a lot of people around that age who actually can’t afford to live on their own (especially in Toronto, where my boyfriend makes a “living wage” and still wouldn’t be able to pay rent)

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        toronto nothing. Here in Bumblefuck Virginia the rents are astronaumical because we are driving distance (read, 45 minutes) from Fredericksburg or Richmond.

        • I Only Like Cats

          The one bedroom condos start at like 350,000 and I don’t understand

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            well that is a bit higher than here XD Imma quit bitching about the couple grand for a house then.
            No, I won’t, I will pretend to, however.

        • clubseal

          Makes me happy to live in a fairly rural area. I’m looking at houses right now that would cost me about $500 a month for the mortgage and insurance. These are three bedroom, two bath homes that would cost almost three times that to rent here.
          Of course, you don’t have to fill out a 30 year commitment to rent, but still.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I just got a brand new job at 3X my current so hubs and I are planning to sock most of it away for a down deposit. Because the same holds here- I can buy soooo much more efficiently than rent. Hell, even if I went for a 15 year mortgage it would be cheaper than the rents.

        • AngryKatie

          San Francisco. Don’t even get me started.
          Good luck finding a 1 bedroom apartment for less than $3000/month. Thank God for rent control.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            I pay $1,300 for 600 square feet.

      • maman

        Your boyfriend’s scenario is very different… This other dude should get a condo in Kitchener or Hamilton and STFU. He is just refusing to grow up. (I grew up on the American side of Niagara Falls)

  • If you enjoy drinking wine and driving fast cars, so be it, but there is no one secret to a happy life. But there are some lessons I’ve learned in 42 years of life:

    Find work you enjoy, if you are able.
    Find people you love to be with, if you can…
    If you choose to marry, marry your best friend.
    Show your children or pets that you love them…
    If you had a good mom and/or dad, tell them that you love them…
    If you didn’t have a good mom and/or dad, therapy helps. Never be ashamed to go.
    Be your own person. Don’t rely on others
    But give to others who need your help because you might need the help of others later.
    People matter more than things or experiences.
    You are wrong about more things than you realize. This is especially true about religion, so chill out.
    Have the humility to listen to others.

    • clubseal

      TL;DR: Don’t be a douche*

      *Unless you were created for that specific purpose in a lab, and then, only if you’re not caustic to lady parts

  • Serai 1

    *yawn* This asshole again. His stupid screed has been all over my feeds the last day and a half. Adolescent pud-puller pulls pud. Film at eleven. *yawn*

  • Skwerl King

    Living the good life? He is doing it wrong. Listen to your elders, Tony the Millennial! Listen to the Ballad of the Squirrel King on how to do it. A long long time ago, in the 1990s there lived a Squirrel Prince. Now he had tried his hand at working hard in a factory producing refrigeration units for trucks. Every day on his lunch, he looked at the railroad tracks that spurred away from the giant Freon tanks wondering where they went. He had a map of the Northern Plains. One day he remembered the lyrics to an old Johnny Paycheck song, so he fixed up his pick-up truck into a mini-sleeper, bought a bunch of Bob Seeger, Merle Haggard, and Willy Nelson cassettes, and went west on I-94. For ten years he traveled the North American continent, taking odd jobs, drinking in small hamlets, communing with the locals and sleeping in ranch camps. He drove the the Arctic Ocean, the Caribbean, Nova Scotia and all locations in between. He made love to beautiful women, flirted with men, held back bulls at the rodeo and dogs in the Iditarod. Along the way, he met movie stars, ex-presidents, famous authors. It was a hell of a ride. — And it ain’t but half over.

    “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
    -Hunter S Thompson

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPrSVkTRb24

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbCYJZnxIFk

    • Jeff Ackerman

      My wife was born in Bittburg Germany in 1954. When her parents were walking to the market with her a Roma woman asked to hold her. While holding her the Roma woman told my wife’s mother that she was born with Gypsy blood in her.
      She is still restless.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    As for real estate, if the options are to flee the GTA or stay and scrimp, I’d rather rent indefinitely.

    Living with your parents isn’t the same as renting, brah.

  • AngryKatie

    Tony should spend some time with my dad. That would clear shit right up for him.
    On my 18th birthday he gave me my first rent bill and suggested the Army would be happy to pay for college if I wasn’t prepared to pay my own way.

    And I’m glad. Because I learned to manage my shit and be a grown ass adult. I learned that those shoes I wanted weren’t so great if they meant 8 hours of work. That money in the bank is better than living beyond my means. And that you can’t sell your vacation memories to help cover retirement.

    Sooner or later life is going to Fuck Tony very very hard, because that’s how life works. The poor snowflake is in no way ready for that.

    • Biff52

      I’m sure he has a nice inheritance in mind.

  • Douchebros: the Universe’s way of reminding us that even Global Thermonuclear War or Extinction of all humanity have upsides.

  • fka_donnie_d

    Yes, of course, people who cannot figure out how to hire a contractor for remodeling are the very ones who should be encouraged to buy a house.

  • schmannity

    He should get a Winnebago and then he could drink for free.

  • janecita

    He could have all the money in the world, but he is still a grown ass man living at his parents’ home. I would call that embarrassing.

  • proudgrampa

    Tony sounds like a real dick.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Sounds like, walks like and looks like.Therefore from those facts, what can we deduce?

      • Tansy Geek

        He floats? No, No, I know this one. We should burn him, with derision.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      If it walks like a dick, talks like a dick, and quacks like a dick— wait whut?

  • proudgrampa

    Does this (house by the lake) mean that you aren’t going to live in the Wonkebago, anymore?

    • rebecca

      we only live in it *sometimes*, when we are living in it to come see YOU!

      • proudgrampa

        Well, come on down, dear!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Are we certain Tony isn’t Roosh V? This sounds like something he’d write if he were to tone down the misogyny a smidge.

  • edith prickly

    The Toronto housing market is insane. I was lucky enough to buy mine right before the insanity began – I couldn’t afford it at its current market value. However, Tony’s lengthy wank about his own awesomeness contributes absolutely nothing to the discussion. He’s free to indulge himself because his mommy does all the boring grown-up things like feeding him and cleaning up after him.

    Also, hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurants are usually fucking awesome. Your loss, douchebro.

    • I know, you get a little family-owned Thai restaurant, there ain’t much betters than that. I have one in walking distance. :)

      • efoveks

        And I bet you do it in heels! :-)

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I have come to loathe the word “downsizing”, because I always hear it from affluent people who use it as an excuse both to itemize how much incredibly extravagant shit they have amassed in life, and then to act morally superior by being willing to part with some of it, in order to fit into the MUCH smaller 2000 sq. ft. solar powered house with the on-demand water heater and stainless steel industrial appliances.

    • Lamashtar

      I admit that I don’t want to live in a house smaller than 2000 sq. ft. anymore, because I need too many bookshelves.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I get that. For my part, that’s what milk crates and a storage room are for. And the public library.

  • SnarkTank

    I used to own a house. Then I got transferred, and went back to renting (it was right around the time of the housing bubble bursting, and I lost a shitload of money on the deal). Now, I can’t tell you how much I prefer renting. No upkeep, no lawn mowing, no snow removal, and if I have a plumbing problem it’s taken care of by a phone call. What I’d find perfect would be an apartment condo situation, but they don’t exist in my shitty little town.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I too like the perks of renting. But beware: “As is” leases are becoming much more popular. So that you have all of the fun of paying for things breaking, I guess, and non of the fun of actually owning the place.

      • SessileRaptor

        Oh FFS, glad we got out of renting years ago. I actually got mildly chewed out by a maintenance guy once for buying and using drain cleaner because the building management considered even that to be part of what we paid our rent for.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          That is swiftly becoming a thing of the past for condo rentals and house rentals. apartment buildings might be different, but I can’t tell ya how many times hubs and I, shopping for a bigger local, keep running into “As is”

          • SessileRaptor

            If I squint I guess I can see the reason why people would do that for house rentals. My parents owned some rental properties for a while and the bad renters who turned the place into a shithole always seemed to outnumber the good ones. That being said I think there must be better ways of dealing with that sort of thing.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I think it is less that, and more “slum lord gotta slum” It is very depressing.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            I bought my house from my landlord after renting it for several years. I told him that I planned to move because I was done paying rent and was going to buy a house. He told me I was the only decent tenant he’d had in a decade and that he couldn’t face the prospect of being an out of town landlord anymore. So we played “let’s make a deal” and I got it for several thousand under market

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            NICE. I would love to buy our current place, but it is much too small for us. Very sad for I adore the local but there will be another place.

          • Shan

            Ugh. My place is too big. I’d love to move somewhere smaller, but the prospect of moving after 11 years makes me hyperventilate.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Bad renters will turn the place into a shithole whether or not it’s “as is”. You always want to talk to the previous landlord.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        who the hell would do that?

        “I’ll pay for maintenance, anything that breaks- and you get all the equity!”

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          As places to rent become scarce and people can’t afford to buy, rents go way up and they start tacking on lil stupid things; usually for poorz and nearly poorz, probably, because fuck them, what are they gonna do about it?

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            if the market is getting that tight, I can see that

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            ayep. Which is why hubs and are are planning to sock stuff away and buy. It is getting too difficult to find a good place for a good price from good people.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            There’s a big problem in my town with people converting their garages and whatever little outbuildings they have into rentals, but they are not being permitted or registered in any way with the city. The city offered some sort of amnesty program but the rules for it were so stupid that only 3 people fessed up.

          • Biff52

            My 1/3 acre parcel had a mobile home space out back. I could’ve legally rented it out as such, but I already don’t think it’s a big enough lot to buffer me from neighbors as it is.

          • SessileRaptor

            I went looking at the average rent for houses in my area and it hovers around what our mortgage payment is. Of course if you can’t make a down payment…

            The reason I went looking is because I found out that the guy who owned two rental houses at the end of my block converted them (and every other rental he owned) into Airbnb rentals. Looking at rents VS what he’s charging per night, he only has to rent a given place for a few days a month to make the same as he would renting them, but with a guarantee of payment and a tenth the wear and tear. I guess it makes sense for him, but of course it’ll serve to drive the rent on the remaining stock up so it sucks for anyone who wants to rent long term. :P

          • Biff52

            FHA mortgages are a godsend for those with the credit and income, but not the downstroke. My first loan was FHA, I only had to cough up $4K up front.

          • rebecca

            that’s what we’re doing too. the best part is my down payment came from me remembering that I’m so old, I worked in newspapers back when they came with 401k’s.

          • Biff52

            That’s great! What made it possible for me is that I’m really bad at math and could never balance a checkbook without cheating myself on every transaction. I still round up debits, and round down credits. When I need to buy something like a car or a house, I sharpen my pencil and see if I have the money hidden from myself.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            I rented an apartment last year and it had “pet rent” tacked on and when I moved out they replaced the carpet (they said because of the pet stains) in the entire unit and tried to charge me for it. The law isn’t settled here in California on it yet, but I told them to blow it out their ass because I had paid for the carpet with the pet rent and if they wanted more money from me they were going to have to sue me. They never did.

        • DinkyBossetti

          I used to do that, but I would deduct whatever I fixed from the rent and just put a note and a receipt in with my rent check. My landlord would have fixed the broken stuff, but doing it myself was faster and more convenient for me.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            I remember doing that for the small stuff too (and the large stuff with one shitty slumlord who I eventually took to court), but I think this is about the renter eating the costs for maintenance and repair, along with paying rent

      • Astraea

        We really need better renter protection laws in this country.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          THEY CAN LIVE IN THEIR BOOTSTRAPS!!1!

          • Astraea

            AND EAT THEM, TOO!

      • Smokahontas

        In the really shitty states *cough* most of them *cough* renters are responsible for upkeep/ repair cost that are “nominal” in relation to the rent. I think we can all thank ALEC for slipping shit like this into legislation over the years, slowly and creepily, like a Dugger…

  • I Only Like Cats

    You know what pisses me off the most about people like this? They don’t understand how good their life has been. They’re (usually) white, come from a middle class background, got all the educational help they needed, could easily afford college and become successful… and I’m here like, “well, I woke up this morning and I don’t live on the street so yay!”

  • therblig

    he’d fit right in here in downtown jersey city, which has become a kingdom of douchery.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      whattayamean become?
      *says the former Phillyite*

    • janecita

      Is all those Newyorkers that moved into NJ right after 9/11, they upped the douchery of the whole state by 60%.

      • therblig

        we pride ourselves on our diversity here – the douches come from all over the country and the world.

        “i lift my lamp beside the golden douche”

        • janecita

          The ones around my home came from Staten Island, and they all have those lovely “Make America Great Again” bumper stickers on their cars.

          • therblig

            american cars only, i hope.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Does a Honda count, if it’s made in Ohio?

  • MrBlobfish
  • Hutch

    I lived for two years on an old, 32-foot, wooden boat on Puget Sound with a beautiful view of Mount Rainier. I didn’t buy a bunch of crap, drink expensive wines, nor trade in my aging Merc Tracer for a Ferrari. I saved my money and bought a house and sold it at the height of the housing boom for three times as much as I paid. Then proceeded to pull a Tony and pissed most of that away. I’ve recovered, but it wasn’t easy.

    TL;DR: Don’t listen to Tony. He’s an idiot.

    • sw19womble

      Was the boat named Diversity?

      • Hutch

        It was the Crystal Ship and living in a marina is about as romantic as living in a floating trailer park.

        • Biff52

          I’ve done that twice in my life, for far shorter periods of time. An Islander 33 for a summer, and when I should’ve known better, a Columbia 24. Trailer parks are better, since you don’t have to hike up the gangway to the bathroom in the middle of the night, and have to climb over the gate because you forgot your key to get back in.

          • Hutch

            Wow! You just brought it all back for me! It was a tough two years.

          • Biff52

            My 1st one, I was very young and enjoying the Marina del Rey lifestyle. The next time, I was around 37 or so, and King Harbor didn’t have the same feel. Still, I miss sailing.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Well hell, hell look at Mr. Hoity Toity with his beat up Merc Tracer over here….I’m SORRY the rest of us have to drive AMERICAN CARS there lord Farquad. Why don’t you go back to sipping champagne from your ivory tower and tossing your gourmet duck ala orange scraps to your dogs instead of giving them to hobos.

    • Tansy Geek

      What manner of creature is your avatar? I looks like an angry rubber frog

  • Gregory Brown

    Tony est une douche magnifique!

  • Vienna Woods

    I read the article. I call bullshit on the teacher able to afford the time/money to indulge.

    • edith prickly

      Depending on how long he’s been teaching, he probably makes between $50-$70K a year. It’s also worth remembering that Canadians don’t have huge health care costs cutting into their income.

      • Vienna Woods

        I am a Canadian teacher. (for one more day!!) And there’s no way he can afford 7000 dollar weekends on his salary.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          If his parents pay for everything for him, though?

          • Vienna Woods

            From the sound of it in the actual article, the teacher isn’t quite as indulged as Tony.

        • edith prickly

          He’s probably horribly in debt then. Possibly why he’s the alleged “voice of reason.”

        • Biff52

          Congrats on your retirement!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Can’t we all just agree Millennial snowflakes are the worst and blame it on Boomers? Upfist if you agree! Boomers you fucked this one up yet again….now apologize

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I thought we got to blame Gen X? When do we get to be blamed, NO FAIR.

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        No, since boomers are often raising our kids too they get to fuck up yet another generation while they’re at it….so it’s all their fault.

    • Astraea

      Gen X got screwed.

      • natoslug

        And popped out some Millenials. I’m not sure if the boy-child here counts as a Millenial or Gen-Z, so hopefully I’m responsible for a limited subset of Millenials.

        • Astraea

          Born in 85-ish puts him at the very beginning of Millenials, probably. His parents are probably Boomers, though, unless they had him young.

          • natoslug

            Okay, damned boomers are responsible for the early ones, and us XXXers for the later ones. As an X, I’m going to generalize based on my vast lack of knowledge and say those early Millenials are THE WORST.

          • rebecca

            THEY ARE! Gen X-bred Millennials are *dumb* but they *move out*.

          • natoslug

            WHEN?!!!!!?????! Is it because I still feed them after midnight? I knew I should have listened to the instructions not to feed them after midnight.

          • Last Hussar

            Born 69- what am I?

        • Logic of Color

          When do we get to start naming the generations like hurricanes?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Generation Geraldo, Generation Hannah

          • Tansy Geek

            Generation Aiden/Braden/Jayden

          • Lark_in_the_AM

            We have several of each in our suburban school district, and they seem like nice kids so far . . . .

          • natoslug

            We’ve named the latest Gen-Z, so probably sometime around 2025 when the Zeds reach the end of their cohort or whatever it is.

          • Biff52

            I thought that meant they would be the last?

          • sw19womble

            Welp, with Trump on the ticket and the EU trying to start WWIII….

          • natoslug

            If so, WTF am I paying into Social Security for? We need future generations fucking out a large enough population to keep it funded through my lifetime, at least.

          • Biff52

            Immigrants! More immigrants!

        • Hairstrike Alpha
          • natoslug

            Hey, I’m a fucking Gen-Xer!!!!1!!!

          • natoslug

            But I apologize for releasing some late Millenials on the world.

          • Astraea

            I’m sure you raised them to not complain about the light fixtures in their first $1 million home.

          • natoslug

            The girl-child will complain that the light’s either not bright enough or too bright, and then complain that the fridge is empty and when’s dinner going to be ready anyway? The boy-child will complain that there’s nothing vegetarian and and packaged in the freezer, and could I stop by to cook a veggie burger or two, he’s still got a battle or two in WoT that he has to finish. The Italian girl-child will roll her eyes at the youngers, say something catty, and go back to working fashionably in Germany.

          • Hairstrike Alpha

            Whoops I got you mixed up with Veccio….

          • natoslug

            That’s okay, with that avatar and name, I wouldn’t expect pinpoint accuracy . . .

        • geoffalnutt

          Gen-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

          • natoslug

            Ben Carson is an honorary member.

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        Railroaded…the system is rigged.

        • Astraea

          Damn our parents for not having enough of us for marketers to pander to us more.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    This is hilarious under “One Weird Trick” it has “7 things you didn’t know about Anna Duggar, #5 is surprising!” I’m going to guess #5 is the number of fingers all Josh would utilize during ‘alone time’ while his parents Extra Chromosome Duggar and Wrong Turn Duggar had ‘no idea’ what he was doing….

  • TJ Barke

    I’ll remember how bad tony has when I’m living in a van down by the river.

    • Jenny

      At least you own the van. Still doing better than Tony.

      • TJ Barke

        I don’t own a van yet.

        • Jenny

          Still cheaper than renting a ferrari!

          Also I am trying to convince my parents to buy themselves a used RV or something to live in.

          They’ll never buy a house, or get into an apartment with their shitty credit and at least they’d be able to park it in a rv lot.

          • TJ Barke

            Probably.

          • TJ Barke

            We have more than a few snowbird clients who spend different seasons in different RV parks around the country. Seems like it would be kinda fun.

  • FlownOver

    I had a brief period of Tonydom back in another century. For most people it’s self-limiting when you realize you don’t remember the experiences all that favorably – or all that clearly. The Committed Long-term Tonys are good for a laugh.

  • Toronto’s housing market is NUTS. My folks sold a house there 10 years ago for about $800K, same house is now over $2M. I just bought in Oshawa (reasonably close, but not TOO close to Toronto) last year for $256K, and I can take transit in to Toronto should I ever need to. I cannot see any reason to buy in the city right now.

    • edith prickly

      DON’T. I can’t believe what people are paying now.

      • Even out here it’s getting a bit crazy, place down the street from me just sold for over $300K (All the houses in my area are identical, they were all built in 1915 as “temporary” war housing).

        • sw19womble

          Same in Vancouver. I looked at a few rental investments at the end of last year. Wish I’d dipped my toe in now.

        • edith prickly

          The whole area is going crazy. In the town I grew up in the northern end of York Region, you can’t even get a condo townhouse for $300K anymore. People are literally going to be in debt until they die.

          • Biff52

            I signed a 30 year mortgage when I was 61. I’ll probably refi, too. It’s the ‘merican way, so why not Canada, too?

          • Shan

            Mortgage literally translates to “death pledge” in French.

          • Biff52

            And nothing petite about them, either!

          • Well, I plan on dying fairly young, but I definitely get your point. I’ll be in my 50s at least before this mortgage is paid off, and it’s only a $200K mortgage, so man…

          • Usedtobeyellerdawg

            He who dies in debt, wins.

    • Bad Granny

      My sister built a house in Oshawa about ten years ago for around 300k, sold it last month and more than doubled her money. Now she’s sitting on the lake in Bowmanville. She also has enough sense to drink $10 wine at home.

  • neminem

    I totally agree with him in essence: experiences *are* better than things in terms of enjoying what you spent money on. I’m not saving for retirement so I can fill my house with crap – I’m saving it so I can travel and eat and drink fancy food. I also agree with him over you that I would call an expensive bottle of wine an “experience” rather than a “thing”, at least assuming you were planning on drinking it, rather than just hanging it up and showing it off to people, which, granted, plenty of people do buy expensive wine for that reason, but those people are silly.

    All that said, he still sounds like a dick.

    • HazooToo

      On FYI, the Tiny House people manage to extol the virtues of paring down and enjoying experiences and vacations without sounding like MASSIVE DOUCHDICKS.

      • rebecca

        well, some of them.

        • HazooToo

          After much infatuation with Tiny Houses, I’ve realized I don’t actually want one. I just want MY BEDROOM to contain all the things in a Tiny House, so that I never have to leave it if I don’t want to.

          • Jenny

            I want a tiny house! In Montana. But frankly, it would be no match for a grizzly.

          • HazooToo

            You could drive it to a bear free area, though!

          • Jenny

            That’s silly! It’s Montana!

          • HazooToo

            Hm. True…. But you CAN drive away from the bears!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Congratulations on the home purchase Editrix. You haven’t really lived until you’ve argued with your spouse about what color the bathroom tiles should be. Although, you could and probably should have bought a McLaren P1 instead because Lori’s roommate tells me she’s selling hers cheap.

  • Tansy Geek

    Is there Tiny House zoning in Toronto? That way he could be even more insufferable and hip and still afford his own place.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    This fucking guy

  • sw19womble

    Point of order, if you have two sinks/vanities, then you probably have “help” come in and do the cleaning for you anyway.
    Or, yes, you have one too many vanities.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      You know, I was just thinking, if hubby came in and tried to brush his teeth or shave while I was in the bathroom, I would throw a big friggin fit. That be MY time.

      • sw19womble

        With all dues respects that sounds like a first world problem to me. :p

      • Jenny

        My ex was the one who needed his vanity me time. Since we divorced my bathroom door never closes. I don’t care if the kids wander in while I’m in there, as long as they don’t come in to talk to me and take a dump at the same time.

    • Objectifer

      Too many vanities? Time for a bonfire!

    • Astraea

      Not in some parts of the US. It’s pretty common in homes easily afforded by average middle class familes in a lot of the Midwest. Of course, there’s nothing else going on here, so I guess you need two sinks to clean to forget how depressed you are.

      • sw19womble

        Oh it’s definitely a North American thing. Presumably if you have the space then you know, knock out another bathroom.
        I do snarkily describe some places as four bed, 5 bathroom houses tho, but then the Brits only evolved to indoor plumbing in the 1970’s :p

        • Biff52

          I’ve been single my whole life, so I never saw a need for another bathroom. A few years ago when my then girlfriend and I were spending more time together, I began to see the need. I nearly bought a composting toilet for my shop building, just in case.

        • HazooToo

          I was bewildered to see that most of you with washers put them in the kitchen! It seems weird, but then again, I would probably do laundry more often if it weren’t in the basement.

        • Last Hussar

          Indoor plumbing! Luxury. I walked 3 miles each way to a muddy puddle.

          • sw19womble

            My grandfather was the one who worked 12-hour shifts to build that muddy puddle!

    • Burn them! Burn them all!!! We need a bonfire!

    • natoslug

      Hey now! Some of us clean our double sinks ourselves. As soon as the lower half of the mirror is too splattered with toothpaste to see anything, I know the sink and counter need a decent scrubbing, and maybe it’s time to consider things like a new towel and washcloth, and my wife cleans her half when I complain that whatever she’s growing over there keeps walking across and leaving biofilm prints all over my side. The floor gets mopped daily, since there’s at least one dog in this house that doesn’t like to go outside to pee. Apparently, it’s easier to train me to be handy with a bucket and mop.

    • Justno

      Double sinks are common here, at least in the parts where real estate is still affordable. Our kid’s bath and guest bath each have singles but the master has a double. It’s standard for a suburban family type house.

  • Half a million to live in the GTA? Not enough.

    – With Love, Alberta.

  • Biff52

    Molotov on buying a home! I was 43 when I got my first one that didn’t have wheels under it.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      You remind me of my favorite Redneck joke: “You might be a redneck if your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.”

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Vanity of vanities, sayeth the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.

  • Juan de Fuca

    I dunno. It could just be that I’m more of an introvert than Tony is but he sure does like spending a crazy amount of time surrounded by other people. The only people I can be around for any extended period of time are my daughter, my wife and our fucking rabbit. Most other people, after four or five hours, I gotta bounce.

    • edith prickly

      Tony likes an audience for his free spending. What good is it if you can’t lord it over the peasants?

      • Juan de Fuca

        When I first read the post I thought the guy was living at home so he could own a Lamborghini. I cracked up after I read it again and realized he is living at home so that he can rent a Lamborghini for a couple of hours.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Likes a lot of time surrounded by other people? Has he thought of prison?

      • OneDemin EOr

        He’d have to do some actual work to earn the three hots and a cot.

    • Panika MCD

      please tell me that the rabbit is an attack rabbit.

      • Juan de Fuca

        I have two. The boy is a runt and a happy little lap bunny and kinda looks like a french bulldog. His name is piglet but I call him puiglet, after Yasiel Puig, the baseball player. The female on the other hand is meaner than hell. Looks and acts like the rabbit from the holy grail movie. Kid you not.

        • Panika MCD

          I’ve had several rabbits and about half of them acted like the rabbit from that movie.

          • Fartknocker

            You should order the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. It was somewhat effective. Just remember the firing cadence.

          • Panika MCD

            generally speaking, “don’t throw active grenades at your pets” is an unwritten rule.

          • Juan de Fuca

            I’m glad somebody knows what I’m talking about! I share stories at work and people look and stare. She has gotten a lot more friendlier though. We picked her up two years ago from a rescue shelter and I think she might have been abused, dunno.

            After we first got her, she would attack you if you entered her fenced area. We have a large open floor plan home with tile floors and we keep the rabbits in those collapsable fence things so they can’t get out. Mrs. D builds them large cardboard condo houses from our old moving boxes and we let them out to run around the house and the backyard everyday. When we first brought the girl home, she used to knock her cereal (rabbit pellet food) bowl out of my hand every morning as I lowered it into her cage. She’d then look at ya like – “I knocked that bowl outta your hand. Whacha gonna do about it?”

            I found out by accident she loves basil and I kinda trained her with it. Now she’s pretty chill. Every morning when I get up, all I have to do when getting the pellet ready is say “get inside your house.” She’ll wait (somewhat patiently) inside of her house box until I lower her bowl of food down. True story. She’ll even come up and greet me at the door if Mrs. D has let her out during the time I come home from work. Always greet her with a sprig of fresh basil when I arrive home. Puiglet loves basil too.

            Did you ever fnd any fresh snacks or weird things that your rabbits were crazy about?

          • Panika MCD

            they had plenty of fresh snacks that they loved, but I was never able to train any of them. even the nice ones would always pee within 3 minutes of sitting down with them. we did have one that was so mean (all of mine were females) that we had to keep her on her own. she was the smaller of my two Netherlands dwarfs, Lati, (we believed the other one was her mother) and, while she didn’t really hurt the others, every once in a while some bunny would snap at Lati and Lati ended up with pierced ears and a busted up lip. we tried to put her mom in with her, but, oh the rabbit screams, that lasted all of 2 hours. rabbit screams are still one of the more unsettling sounds in the world.

          • Juan de Fuca

            Still haven’t heard rabbit screams, but our female (Yumi) used to grunt at me after we first brought her home. She’s stopped doing that. We got her to settle down and relax with us after about a year and then we brought home piglet.

            Funny thing is they bonded together great at the rescue place (Mrs. D volunteers there) but as soon as we brought them home, Yumi started doing the whole dominance thing with piglet and to this day we still have to keep them in separate fenced off areas of the house. Take them out of the house and they are fine with each other. Bring them in and they go at it.

            I love ’em both and they’re indeed a part of our family but after this, I’m getting the french bulldog that I wanted in the first place (so I think). Miss de Fuca wanted the rabbits and they definately grew on me pretty quick. Interesting little animals for sure.

          • Panika MCD

            may you never have to deal with ear mites.

            don’t Frenchies have breathing problems and severe heat sensitivity?

          • Juan de Fuca

            I don’t know but probably something I should look into before buying. Especially considering I live in Southern California. Where I live, the air is clean but the heat…no bueno. Thanks for the heads up.

          • keenanjay

            I have four frenchies here in NW Florida. True that they can’t take too much time outside in the heat. They love running around like nuts but they will collapse if you let them go on too long. They’re fine outside during the four months of the year it’s not disgustingly humid.
            True too about the breathing problems, fortunately only one of ours needed a little nasal passage work.

          • DinkyBossetti

            Seriously. In high school, I was on the phone with a friend of mine when their blind ferret got into the rabbit’s cage and attacked it. I still hear that rabbit’s scream in my nightmares.

          • Panika MCD

            that’s what they do in the wild.

        • hendenburg2

          You might want to check if it is in fact merely a puppet operated by a rather rude french soldier

      • Last Hussar

        Teeth like tha’

  • I bought my first proper house this year at the age of 45 because I was tired of the “experience” of sharing the apartment building with noisy douchenozzles Tony’s age. Also, the house is cheaper.

    • Fartknocker

      Plus, as a homeowner, I have great joy yelling, “Hey, you’re dog took a shit in my yard. Pick it up or I will drop a turd at your front door that will require a bobcat loader to remove.” It’s important to remind people that we all work for what we call home and just a modicum of respect is always appreciated.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Bitching about living in Ajax?! Too effing cheap to spring for a helicopter and helipad, Putz?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Late to the game. I saw the name “Tony” and the douche ad and just assumed this was another post about British politics.

    • Ghenghis McCann

      Other Tonys are available. But you were in with a good chance, picking him.

      • Panika MCD

        as are all of the Chads.

        • Lark_in_the_AM

          The Jeremys, too?

  • Blueb4sunrise

    …. nothing interesting to do or say.
    [ tries, but fails to come up with interesting comment ]

  • Gary Charound

    Is this why my sink is covered with mold? You have to “clean” it? It never even occurred to me.

    • Biff52

      That’s what that brush thingie on the floor is for.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      I thought that was a feature. Sort of like an organic indoor herb garden.

  • David Trimboli

    Wow! I too am a 43-year-old in the process of buying a fairly modest yet extremely pleasant house near-but-not-on-a-lake that is my first. Alas, I am not the editor of a mommy blog and recipe hub.

    • rebecca

      WE ARE LIKE TWIN SISTERS!

      • Last Hussar

        Is there a biology professor available for the Lovely Edtrix?

    • jjdaddyo

      This is a recipe hub? I thought this was a coffeehouse run by members of the CWP and the Molly Maguires.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Heading to Denver on Friday for the GALA Choruses event (not the Western Conservative Summit, which is being held in the same hall…)

    Anyone have suggestions for good food, good beer, best legal weed shop? I’d love to meet up if you have a chance and the schedule works.

  • AnOuthouse

    The parents Tony is living with are in downtown Toronto? or do they also dwell in the GTA?

  • Panika MCD

    he’s saving up to buy a clue.

  • Scooby

    I kind of think the premise is sound (experiences over possessions) I spend 10 years traveling the world as a mountain guide then settled down and get a “real job” but I do think those 10 years were better.

    • Tansy Geek

      You spent 10 years DOING things as a mountain guide. Dangerous and exciting things, with scenery and other people. This is better than spending 10 years consuming things with nothing to show for it other than enjoying spending too much on booze.

      • Scooby

        Yea, thanks. I always told people to opt for experiences over material things as experiences get better with time and possessions get worse.

        • Tansy Geek

          Mostly. Except for comfy chairs, but even they suffer an eventual
          demise.

          • Quercus

            Especially if shared by a cat.

      • Justno

        Tony is a rebranded MGTOW bro.

  • Tansy Geek

    Pro tip Tony: drink at home and save on your liquor bill. I doubt anyone is is impressed by you with this bottle service nonsense. (note:my husband fish had to explain this practice to me.)

  • cheetojeebus

    Yours truly enjoying his open plan summer adobe. We call it “The Hermitage.”
    http://www.michaelspornanimation.com/splog/wp-content/j/Lonelyones%202.jpg

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Tony and his friends should move to my town. You can get a very nice 4-bed 2-bath house on a 1/4 acre lot for $200,000, including granite counters and dual sinks and 2-car garage. We even have a couple of good Thai restaurants. The downside, is you have to live in Missouri, and if you want “experiences” you have to leave the state.

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      Ooo. That is a tough sell.

    • sw19womble

      Them’s the breaks?

      *retrieves coat and heads for exit*

    • boll ocks

      ditto Colorado, excepting Denver/Boulder/anywhere in the mountains. Of course you can visit those places fairly easily…

  • Lark_in_the_AM

    One should always, if one can afford to, spend some time when one is young and unencumbered by possessions and/or marriages and kids, to cross a few things offin’ that bucket list, for life is short and drudgery is long. I can’t even find it in my heart to criticize “Tony” too much – it’s not really his fault that at 31 his parents are enabling his prolonged adolescence; that’s on them. The only thing that I will say is that what he considers “experiences” seem pretty materialistic to me. After all, he’s not going to Tibet and wandering the mountain villages on foot – he’s eating overpriced food and drinking to excess. Sounds awfully empty to me.

    That said, there comes a time in life in which at least some minimal possessions – a sound roof over one’s head, good food on one’s table, adequate clothing (not condemning all you pantsless people out there!) and maybe some books and a pet or two, can be an experience, too – an experience of comfort and stability in a world all too often devoid of both.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Thanks to smart phones and e-books, libraries are far more portable than they used to be.

  • bubbuhh

    Just another two year old in an adult’s body. Why do I firmly believe his “experiences” include semi-regular date rape?

    • Zhu Bajie

      Or visits to the Massage Parlour of the Goddesses ….

  • Last Hussar

    Ha- What does the Edtrix know? WE have a ‘Vanity’ in the bedroom, and that never gets cleaned.

    The secret of this worry free lifestyle is for Lady Hussar to pile stuff on and in front of it so it can’t be reached, let alone used. Then when she says ‘I think the Vanity unit’ should come out I can point out we spent actual money on it, and I had to fit the bloody thing – which included an impromptu lesson in sweating pipes*, so there is no damn way it is coming out.

    *I didn’t know that’s what I was doing until a few days later – I thought I was just tightening the connection.

    • sw19womble

      God bless pushfit plumbing is all I can say. Even an idiot like me can run a new (straightforward) supply and install some new taps.
      *cue some smartarse to claim that pushfit connections were a direct result of EU regulations* ;p

      • h4rr4r

        Socialisms plumbing!

        • sw19womble

          Cast off the oppressive yoke of elitist copper soldering!

      • starfanglednut

        Pushfit plumbing. There just has to be a dick joke in there somewhere.

  • OneDemin EOr

    Jesus, “Tony” is living a stupid Groupon commercial!
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JZkFmYrdn-A

  • hendenburg2

    I wonder when someone will gently break it to Tony that his $200 bottle of wine cost $30 at Trader Joe’s…

    Hell, he could have brought it, paid the corkage fee, gotten the same experience, and even treated his married friends to expensive thai food

    • Joe T.

      Who spends $30/bottle at Trader Joe’s, when you can get a case of Two Buck Chuck for the same price?

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    It seems like a reasonable response if you came into a solid salary right before the housing market crashed. F the bankers and their ARM ninja loans.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Stainless steel refrigerators are a bitch to clean…

    • Justno

      WD 40

    • rebecca

      and you can’t stick magnets to them. what even the fuck is the point of a refrigerator then.

  • Leliel

    As a Millennial with no real job and who lives at the suffering of his parents, I approve the verbal thrashing of this spoiled twit.

    I’m stuck with my parents because I can’t get a good job unless I go through graduate school, not because I’m terrified of having to only take an occasional vacation to Hawaii (my Dad’s military, we get discounts to sane ranges in American bases that are also vacation spots. Try the Hale Koa, it’s an excellent hotel).

  • Zhu Bajie

    So why waste so much time on him?

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      He’s a type that shows up a lot, she’s Mad About a Thing, and hey, it’s troll bait!

  • handyhippie65

    31, and living with mom. my mom made me pay rent at 17. at 18, i was in the army, and never went back. and i sure as hell wasn’t earning 100k. where’s the oompaa loompas at to sing the song about spoiled brats?

  • Jenny

    Near a lake is close enough. On a lake, so much fucking work! Only for olds or rich, or rich olds with nothing to do all day.

    • ahughes798

      And, too many spiders. Fuck spiders.

      • Jenny

        I lived on a cliff in Montana that overlooked a lake. Fucking spiders everywhere! Hobo spiders! Literally infested. The neighbor had lake access, even worse. The boat house was really a spider house. Every inch had a spider in it scrambling away, gazing at you while you walked through it’s web, or skimming across the water. Coming from Texas and Arizona where black widows and recluses are fairly norm, they tend to be shy and want to be left alone. Hobo spiders are all up in your shit. Go away poison spider! GO AWAY!

        • ahughes798

          It turns out that English House Spiders, which are huge as I understand it, have been accidentally imported to the West Coast. They are eating the Hobo spiders there. Since they’re spreading, maybe they will eventually get to that boat house in Montana. Unfortunately it means you’d have to learn to live with large, but non-poisonous spiders in order to get rid of the nasty poisonous ones. Eccch. Anyway…..Fuck spiders.

          • Jenny

            I live back in Texas now where recluse and widows are the norm. I leave them alone outside, but I found a black in the house yesterday, so I killed that one quick.

            I really don’t like spraying insecticide, but it looks like I might need to this weekend. The kids have been complaining about ants and random spiders. It really messes things up. I have toads and frogs in my yard that seem to eat most things and I’ve found that spraying kills or runs off the amphibians and the scary spider encounters increase.

            That and my tomato plants have some orb weavers that I want to keep around. They’re pretty and eat the aphids. So catch 22. Don’t like spiders, but need spiders.

          • ahughes798

            My Sis lives in NorCal, and they have the black widows, too. I always smash the toes of my socks before I put them on when I’m out there, because they like to hide in dark, confined spaces. A friend of hers almost died from a black widow bite he got when one crawled into the toe of one of his socks.
            I have big orb weavers in my gardens every year, because I don’t use pesticides at all. But I DO mark their locations with landscaping flags so I know where they are, so I don’t get any surprises. They’re not poisonous, but big spiders scare the crap out of me! I would avoid the pesticides, as you are correct that it will kill frogs, toads, and possibly small mammals.

  • Mavenmaven

    He sounds like a perfect roommate for Martin Shkreli.

    • vivian

      I dunno, I think Shkreli should bunk up with a 732 lb. sack of shit.

    • It’s weird, everyone’s comparing this toad to Marin Shkreli, when I think ol’ Tony has a bad case of “Affluenza” if ya know what I mean?

  • Jenny

    God, as a kid you know but don’t really “know’ that your parents have sex. The reality is that yes they do, often. And you’re still there, around, at 30, in their house while they boink, and even want to bring your own boink partners around and hope that these partners are cool with it. NO! NO! NOOOOOO!

  • mailman27

    Open concept, Trix! It’s all about open concept. Granite and stainless mean nothing without open concept.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Haven’t you heard? Granite is so last year. This year it’s quartz. Gotta have quartz.

  • Quercus

    OT but since we’re talking about dining experiences maybe somewhat related. I visited Off the Menu at its new site where I found a comment condemning Wonkette. The reason? Comments are not allowed and thus there is no sense of community. My favorite reviews are by people who haven’t seen the movie, or read the book, or eaten the meal….or visited the website.

    • vivian

      If I had read this, which I didn’t because it’s not allowed, I would have given it 17.3 stars.

    • Haribo Lector

      That commenter has a point. I often think this would be a better site if comments were allowed. Unfortunately there is no medium by which I can express this thought.

  • jgal

    Argh, he ate *horse*

    • ahughes798

      Why not? Not sticking up for the dude, just the practice of eating horse. They’re livestock.

      • cleos_mom

        Just be sure any guests at your summer cookouts get full disclosure.

        “In some cultures, it’s a delicacy” will suffice as a hint that a ‘not in this lifetime’ decision might be in order.

        • ahughes798

          It’s illegal to sell horse meat in the US. I wouldn’t eat it myself, but I don’t think it should be illegal. There are breeds of horses that were created expressly to provide meat. The Brabant is one of them. Native Americans ate them. Settlers ate them when they had to. Pigs are much, much smarter than horses and no one seems to mind eating them.

          • cleos_mom

            Yes, it doesn’t really make sense to make it illegal though IMO we need to make animal cruelty laws in that area much more stringent. What’s good to eat and what isn’t is to a great extent a matter of culture and if eating horse meat is viewed as unacceptable by a large percentage of Americans, well we’re not immune to that any more than we’re immune to hosting obnoxious tourists. Many people seem to consider the US the One Great Exception to the phrase “that’s just their culture” — we’re not.

            IMO the more widespread queasiness about eating dogs or cats is based on something more basic; i.e., how close they live to us, even sharing our beds in some places (“that’s just our culture”, remember). That makes using dogs or cats for food uncomfortably close to cannibalism in a psychological sense. The taboo can be overridden if someone is hungry enough but that applies using other people for food as well.

          • ahughes798

            Yes, definitely better conditions for livestock is something I work for. Something to take in consideration is that since all the horse slaughterhouses were closed, horses sold at auction for meat then get to have a fun ride to slaughterhouses in Canada or Mexico, in horrid conditions. One of the slaughterhouse bound trailers overturned near where I live a few years ago, and the horses were being hauled illegally in a double decker trailer. I think they had over 20 draft breed horses in there. A few of them survived, and got adopted. I admit it would have the ooogies if I ate horsemeat, or dog, or cat. Since dogs and cats aren’t livestock, I don’t think they should be eaten. Especially since they’re tortured before they’re killed because the locals believe that meat from a stressed animal is more tender. In Peru, people eat guinea pigs. Cultural differences, and all that. Sorry for so many words.

    • Justno

      It’s common worldwide. Here in the US it’s a cultural thing.

      In Ecuador guinea pigs are a meal, not a pet.

    • Haribo Lector

      I’ve eaten horse. It’s okay. Not great. Not terrible. A bit dry because it’s so lean. Too lean.

  • vivian

    I surmise that we’ve always had these bumblefucks around, but until the innertubes they had no way of reinforcing one another’s sad, pathetic, and hopeless worldview.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Perhaps. I seem to run into a fair number of people with designer eating disorders. I mean, their problems appear genuine enough and I hate to judge. On the other hand, I grew up pretty poor. I wonder how these folks would’ve survived back then… in my own house, my brothers would’ve immediately scooped the food off the plate of any reluctant, picky eater for themselves. And my mother would neither have intervened nor-and you wouldn’t dare ask- offered to prepare something else more palatable.

      • vivian

        Right? Poor people don’t get Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Ain’t that strange.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          First world problems….

        • ahughes798

          Yes. They. Do. I know a few of them.

        • arrrghle

          Yes, actually, they do.

    • Relativicus

      “Oh, we made do…”

  • Pat_Pending

    I’m 53 and a homeowner. My husband and I live in a cute little house that we possess courtesy of me inheriting it from my dead parents (only child, thanks dead parents!). Ownership would have been impossible otherwise. I did some interesting calculations today — My parents bought the house in 1965 for $22,500 (30-year fixed mortgage). My father made a whopping $14,500/year (I saw his tax forms) and my mom stayed home (him, alcoholic; her, depressed; yay, me). I went to a cost-of-living adjustment web site and discovered that in 2016 dollars my dad made $106K/year and bought a house worth $171K. Sounds reasonable. I ONCE managed to pull in $105K/year for 2.5 years before getting laid off at the end of 2013 (this was my last full-time, permanent job; my husband probably makes closer to $50K since he is not a high-tech worker). AND… since we live in the very heart of Silly-Con Valley, this cute little paid-off house (1150 sq. ft., 3br/1ba) is now worth in the neighborhood (pun intended) of ONE POINT EIGHT MILLION. So. Yes, it’s nice to have the house, but horrifying to consider any alternative realities.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I bought my 1100 sq. ft. place in Tucson 22 years ago for 73K. The market here is nothing like where you are, but it was the best thing I ever did. Being self-employed and with the crash of the economy in ’08, I’d be homeless and living in a tent in the desert without a reasonable mortgage…actually cheaper than I can rent.

      • Jenny

        This is what keeps me going. My house is way more than I wanted to spend for what it is.

        But buying reasonable in Austin area isn’t possible any longer and the rents are running neck and neck with a mortgage payment. So either you buy ridiculous expensive house or you pay ridiculous rent.

        At some point it will be the backstop of affordability that others wish they could have had. :/

    • natoslug

      My parents were inconsiderate enough to have me while much too young, so I have a long wait for any possible inheritance. Damned teen pregnancies!

      • Pat_Pending

        Oh, I was an accident, too. Mom was 43 and Dad was 50. Who knew?

        • natoslug

          I was a reminder why you shouldn’t let your kids run off to Vietnam war protests alone.

      • DinkyBossetti

        My parents reproduced NINE times, and they don’t own their house, so the only thing any of us are inheriting from them are good genes.

        • keenanjay

          Ten here. Always got asked if they were Catholic. Nope, just liked sex and didn’t understand birth control.

          • DinkyBossetti

            In my case, the answer is yes (mom is Irish Catholic) and no (dad is a dirty protestant)! My favorite question – which I have been asked many times – is whether we all have the same 2 parents.

          • keenanjay

            Never got asked that, ironically, though mom was a looker back in the day.
            My dad made hay by giving us all the same initials, KK. Even back then he knew that giving any one of us a middle name of Ken or Kathy would have had enduring consequences.

          • DinkyBossetti

            That’s funny. All of our first names start with D, and we all have the same middle name, so we all had the same 3 initials. To differentiate, we added numbers based on birth order. Sometimes some of us sign notes with an initial and a number. I’m D6.

        • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

          I’ve been taking advantage of Mom and Dad’s senility to secure several promises:

          Mom’s embroidery machine
          Dad’s computer museum

          • DinkyBossetti

            I hope you got your promises in writing, because if you think that’s not what every last one of us is doing, you’re wrong. We should all watch out for our youngest brother, though, considering he’s a lawyer.

  • MausFeet

    I loved you anyway, because after the babby, you are the boss of us, but I love you even more for posting that sketch. And for reassuring my younger than you but not by a ton butt about not even being close to having a home any time soon.

    • jmk

      Don’t sweat it – I’m 54 and have never owned my own home. When I was married, my ex was a big giant stupid with money, and what we earned just seemed to disappear (translation – went up his nose or down his gullet at the bar), so we struggled a whole lot more than we needed to, and even when we were separated, for years, he just helped himself to my money with the excuse of either borrowing it or sharing it with me because we were totally he promised! getting back together.

      It has taken me years to clear those debts and restore my financial stability, and saving for a down payment hasn’t even been on my horizon.

      • MausFeet

        Thank you. I logically know I’m not the only one in my boat, but it helps a ton to know, once in a while, for sure, that I’m not just kind of a screw up. ( I mean, yeah, but you know, I’m fixing it NOW)

  • Incoming Ham
    • Justno

      So that’s where I went wrong! I failed to safeguard my daintiness!

      (It’s from the Lysol ad. I read it because holy crap Lysol!)

    • DinkyBossetti

      Wow. My entire reproductive system is cringing after reading that. I think that means my daintiness has been preserved, even without dousing my insides with Lysol.

      • Incoming Ham

        The “Crying Out In Anguish” is the result of putting Lysol up ones hoo hah.

    • Jenny

      This was a topic of conversation during a writing class. Marketing has no shame!

      • Incoming Ham

        I think the term is ’emerging market’.

  • warlock

    LOL: “bottle service.” I totally thought him a “tit guy.” But no, you pegged it correctly – he just lacks antibodies (as well as any semblance or hope for non-mysogynishiness).

  • Jukesgrrl

    I bought my first house in Pittsburgh for $40,000 … the same year my boss spent $44,000 on a third car to go with his two houses. He was only a couple of years older than I was and we had the same number of university degrees. But he had a desperate desire to be RICH and did absolutely loathsome things to make it to the top of the corporate food chain. I’m convinced that’s part of it. Accumulating cash first and foremost requires a deep-seated NEED to be rich. Desires to have a strong marriage and wonderful children, do good for one’s community, make art, have pleasurable experiences, all take a back seat to collecting greenbacks and buying things that will make like-minded people jealous. The sad thing is, he didn’t even get to retire from the Fortune 100 company he devoted his life to. They dumped him when he was about 55. Mind you, don’t cry for him. He had a multi-million dollar golden parachute and now lives in a huge house sandwiched between an ocean and a golf course. But after all those years of service he didn’t have enough respect from the board of directors that anyone even tried to help him save face at the end. Funny thing is, the man who replaced him suffered the same fate in even a shorter period of time.

    • Joe T.

      I dunno—methinks—

      a multi-million dollar golden parachute and now lives in a huge house sandwiched between an ocean and a golf course

      >

      save face at the end

      The time it takes to hang one’s head while walking out the door is short compared to the time living in an oceanfront house with millions in the bank.

    • Haribo Lector

      Just out of interest, what sort of things did your boss do to get rich? I’m asking for, uh, a friend.

  • Caepan

    Meh. Guess “Tony” thinks that the only way you can enjoy Toronto is by going to strip clubs and drinking overpriced booze. He’s the very definition of a douchenozzle’s douchenozzle.

    Me? I prefer Ottawa. But I would kill (with votes) anyone you’d like if it meant I could afford to live in Montreal.

  • ShinyBlueThing

    Tony’s mom needs to throw him the fuck out, or start charging him market rate rent, board, utility and housekeeping fees.

  • Jacquelinedlaird

    <.
    ✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★:✹★::::::!bg991mm:….,…

  • Methinks lil’ Gordon Gecko is overcompensating for an even lil’er Gecko in his pants.

  • Lizzietish81

    I’m not gonna judge Tony for living at home. I know many people who are struggling and some who had to fall back on their parents or who have family homes or parents who need care.

    I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who boasted about it though. Me thinks he’s overcompensating.

    • Haribo Lector

      I’m going to judge him severely for choosing to live at home when he has a pretty good salary that could afford him plenty of comfortable housing options.

      • cleos_mom

        False equivalencies we have with us always. Like mosquitoes.

  • Joe T.

    I have a college buddy who was Tony twenty years ago. He also valued ‘experiences’ over ‘stuff,’ and lived with his mother so that his income could fund his many excursions.

    What my buddy sadly experienced, is that personality has a big (not sole, duh) influence on job advancement possibilities, and survivability in a M&A-heavy environment. And such high-living, heavy-consumption practices are seen as decadent, and are not long-term desirable traits, either by an employer or a prospective life partner.

    Today, my ‘Tony’ is unemployed, still lives with his mother, terminally single, and still doesn’t know what went wrong.

    • cleos_mom

      My ‘Tony’ was a guy who started trying to move in with me after we’d been seeing each other for about a week. I later discovered that this guy, in his early 30s at the time, had never had a place of his own — like the classic Member Of The White Trash Community he never actually “lived” anywhere, just “stayed”. With a buddy, with a relative, with a girlfriend, with a prospective girlfriend, whatever, until they got tired of his mooching and kicked him out.

  • Shoto

    Great piece, Ms. Editrix.

    Is it possible that Tony Millennial Douchbro and Martin Shkreli are twins that were separated at birth?

  • Ugh. I don’t like this remake of On the Road

  • So here’s that long-lost Kardashian I’ve been hearing so much about…

    Nevertheless, this does bring up an interesting point of why this materialistic tool gets a spotlight in a world where a whole cottage industry is dedicated to producing such people (The E! Channel alone is relentless nesting ground. Hell I’ll bet there are some execs on the phone right now.)

  • LadyLaz

    Congratulations editrix!!! My first house I bought at 28 in a cheap area of the country. Formica. Everywhere. I thought I was hot shit.

  • Nick.Trite

    There’s legitimate reasons to live with your parents, hell even “I can afford to live elsewhere but I want to save my cash” is legitimate as long as you contribute to the household somehow, but “I live with my parents so I’m smarter than all you suckers out there building equity” is dumb af. Some people are just too punchable… with votes.

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