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HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! SORT OF!

For many years now, the people on the tee-vee keep telling me that Paul Ryan is a for real MATH GENIUS and a POLICY WONK. Tragically, I have been deprived of seeing this in action, as all budgets I’ve seen that he’s made are actually terrible and not good at all. Weird!

Thus, I was very excited to see what Ryan’s “A Better Way” plan entailed, so that I might see this prodigy in action myself. I’m sure you are all on tenterhooks, also. And surely, this Paul Ryan, with his newfound interest in helping the poor and giving speeches in front of groups of black people, will be knocking us off our collective feet! Probably, he has figured out a way to make sure everyone gets health care, a way to make sure poor people get food and housing, and also figured out how to fix the economy, national security, tax reform and everything else in the whole darn country! You know, because he is a genius and has been working on this for a very long time.

Thankfully, he launched a website to offer his plan to we the people.

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OOOH! Sounds exciting! A full slate of bold ideas? Let us take a look!

First, his plan for the tax reform! Bet there is a lot of good stuff here!

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HUH. OK, he hasn’t figured that one out yet! Weird! OK, well, let’s move onto the next thing! Like the constitution! Certainly, a constitutionalist like Paul Ryan probably has A LOT to say about the constitution! So let’s party like it’s 1787!

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OH. Maybe not! OK, uh, national security?

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Weird! OK! Let’s hear what he has to say about the economy! Probably A LOT, because he is the King of Math.

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Not that either. BUT WHAT ABOUT HEALTH CARE?? I mean, he and his fellow Republicans have had 8 years to come up with an alternative to Obamacare, right? And sure, it’s tough because Obamacare actually was their alternative to Single Payer for like, almost 30 years! After all this time, surely they have come up with the BEST HEALTHCARE PLAN EVER. Especially with Paul Ryan being such a policy wonk! So, let’s all brace ourselves and take a look at this genius plan! I am so ready to be blown over!

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WELL, this is just not fair. Doesn’t Paul Ryan have anything to say about ANYTHING other than “confidence”? This is so not fair! And we were so excited! OH! Wait! I found something! He does have some things to say about poverty! Let’s take a look at those!

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Oh! And how will he do all of this? WELL, uh, he’s gonna “rein back” those Dodd-Frank regulations, for one. Because that is a thing that is good for people who love predatory lending, I guess! Also he is going to make it so people on public assistance go get jobs instead of relying on that public assistance! Especially all those work-capable adults with no dependents who totally refuse to work and just live like kings and queens on SNAP benefits, eating piles and piles of king crab legs all day while the rest of us wageslaves have to actually work for a living!

I mean, sure! 75% of those who have relied on SNAP have had a job either the year before or the year after relying on those benefits, and 43%-58% of them are currently working depending on what studies you look at. Also, able-bodied adults with no dependents are only even allowed to receive SNAP benefits for three months total every three years without meeting work requirements, and all work-capable SNAP recipients are already required by law to take any job they are offered. But yeah, clearly, this is a huge problem — or rather, the Right will continue to believe that it is a huge problem until they literally get to see some poor people starving in the streets, regardless of what sorts of poverty-inducing restrictions are implemented into public assistance requirements. Thank goodness Paul Ryan is here to try and solve it! And all the other problems! Sometime later this month!

[A Better Way]

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  • beavertank

    So… his plan can best be summed up as “coming soon”?

    But that’s the same plan the GOP has had for eight years now. I want a goddamn refund.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Hey, John Boehner promised a GOP Obamacare alternative nearly 18 months ago, and no one’s seen hide nor hair of it yet.

      • beavertank

        Well, see, he had the only copy of it all typed up nice and clean but on his way to the capitol building he saw some of his ne’er do well buddies hanging around outside a bar, so of course he had to go in with them, and six hours later he woke up face down in an unfamiliar toilet with all his belongings from shoes to wallet to Obamacare-alternative missing.

        He could have just owned up to it at the time, but it was too embarrassing, so instead he decided to try recreating the plan but it never came out right and he was afraid that if he pushed ahead with his remade version everyone else in the GOP caucus would want to know why this version was different from the one they had worked on and then the whole story would come out… and by the time he realized it was futile it was too late to admit to what had happened, so it was simpler, instead, to just quit congress altogether.

        It’s a little awkward now because Paul Ryan keeps calling asking where the alternative is, and at first Boehner would just dodge his calls, but after a while Ryan just kept hitting redial for hours on end and Boehner couldn’t figure out how to block specific numbers on his phone so he had to answer. Long story short, he had to up his game and told Ryan that it’s hidden somewhere in the office he just can’t remember where, so he managed to burn a couple months on that wild goose chase.

        Ryan got suspicious, though, so he has given Boehner a hard deadline of June 30th to come up with the plan, but Boehner is hoping he can get some friends to come over and beat him up before then so he can claim he was mugged and the plan is just gone.

        • ThePuckStopsHere

          No golf clap here. A standing ovation is in order.

      • Creepoman

        The real meat of their alternative plan is “die impoverished in the streets.”

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Coming soon?? Hell, they’re not even breathing hard.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      We like to call it TBA, because acronyms are always cool.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Moar like Web page “under construction”

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      GOP=404

    • Why am I Mr. Pink?

      “I was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of Paul Ryan more than anybody in the webpage-under-construction industry.”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    On tenterhooks? With a tip of the hat to Victor Borge, I was on eleventerhooks. What a letdown!

  • Anarchy Pony

    By people they mean corporations.

  • Playonwords

    Well, he’s good at putting forward meaningless buzz words, there is that.

  • Scooby

    How hard could it be to just type in “Get rid of the Muslins and Mexicans”?

    • wurman

      Spelling. It’s “messikans” to the rightwingnutjobz, gross deportation believers, and border wall funders.

      • Scooby

        Mexiricans libelz

        • wurman

          I’ve never seen that spelling. Was that a book by Fenipoop Cooper? “Last of the Mexiricans”?

  • Mpeg

    Imagine him trying to do this in a Powerpoint presentation.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Too much tech.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Will this “Confident America” be run by “Confidence Men”? You betcha.

  • limberrat

    Check on our plan in late November…we promise.

    • OneYieldRegular

      They keep talking about all these “ideas,” but I’ve yet to see any.

  • dslindc

    GOP: We have a plan!

    Everyone Else: Great, can we see it and learn more?

    GOP: Nope! That would defeat the purpose, but it’s awesome, we promise! And when have we ever not done what we said we would?

    EE: ALL OF THE TIMES, KATIE!!

  • calliecallie

    It is either synergy day, or cognitive dissonance day, I can’t tell. I was just reading this article in the NYT about robots replacing workers and the potential need for a universal base income so people can survive with all this technology making them obsolete. Seems like Paul Ryan’s ideas (if he actually had any) are almost the opposite of that. http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/08/business/economy/threatened-by-machines-a-once-stupid-concern-gains-respect.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=second-column-region&region=top-news&WT.nav=top-news

    • Anarchy Pony

      Join the ranks of the unnecessariat!

      • Boscoe

        Who’d have thought the day might come when Republicans would regret letting everyone have all those guns…

    • SnarkTank

      Maybe it’s Cognitive Synergy Day? Or Synergistic Dissonance Day?

      • wurman

        Speaker Ryan should cop a short con off Der Trumpenfuehrer. Just like the “secret plan” to defeat ISIL (ISIS to the career propagandists who can’t spell “Levant” and don’t know what it is), Ol’ Kettle Bell Ryan has a “secret plan” to form a more perfect union . . . and promote the general welfare.

  • tegrat

    This Comment Under Construction :)

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Someone really needs to explain to the GOP that an anti poverty program doesn’t mean anti poor people

    • Anarchy Pony

      We’re finally winning the war on the poor.
      You mean the war on poverty?
      Sure.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Ryan, like all of the GOP “leadership” is just an empty suit. He’s only good at getting voters to let him live on their tax dollars as he insults the government that provides a nice salary and free healthcare for his family.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Plus the guy promises to “open up the system to accountability” while his own web site is an example of the utter lack of it.

  • cousin itt

    Is “confident” always going to be capitalized or not? What, you’d need a focus group for that?

    Make up your freaking minds!

    • OneYieldRegular

      Check back later.

    • The Wanderer

      Answer unclear; try again later.

    • Boscoe

      WHERE’S FRANK LUNTZ????

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The new plan looks a lot like the old plan.

  • TheDogAteMyVote

    I hope to live long enough to see the Republican plan to replace Obamacare, so I can be denied end of life care.

    • therblig

      silly. that’s what handguns are for. stock up now.

    • Rick Hill

      You just think that arrangement means you’re going to be immortal, nice try

  • dslindc

    BREAKING: GOP now up to 1995’s Internet technology!

    • Joe Beese

      Optimized for Netscape 2.0

    • JMP

      It needs more tags.

      • data_ninja

        Or tags with flaming torch animated GIFs.

      • Historicat

        Aargh – don’t remind me!

  • x111e7thst

    Bootstraps can be made into soup. It’s delicious and nutritious. More wanker than wonk, this Ryan chappie.

    • dslindc

      Would you like side of bread bags with that?

      • Boscoe

        No, no not my FORMAL breadbags, those are for special occasions! Hand me the used twinkie wrappers…

  • schmannity

    Ryan’s 10 point plan:

    1. Apologize and disavow Trump racism.
    2.. Walk back Trump’s unilateral declaration of war.
    3. Refuse to fund gold plating of all White House fixtures.
    4. Repeat 1.
    5. Repeat 2.
    6. Refuse to report HB131, a/k/a national Combover Day from committee.
    7. Repeat 1.
    8. Repeat 2.
    9. Develop a Boehner-sized drinking problem.
    10.Declare candidacy for President as a Trump Republican.

  • Thaumaturgist

    If he’s going to “make it easier” for you and your family to “plan for the future,” that means he plans to free you from the burden of the employment tax. You know, the tax that funds social security.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      BINGO! And that’s why these shit weasels are all willing to put up with Drumpf- he’s privately assured them that he’ll kill SS, the rest doesn’t matter to them

      • beavertank

        I’ve jokingly said that the GOP would sell their souls for a Klondike bar, but I didn’t actually think they’d cave quite so easily for so little. Huh. Lesson learned.

  • cousin itt

    For the GOP, empty business model rhetoric is JOB ONE.

    • SnarkOff

      Paradigm shift at the end of the day move the goal posts net positive disruptive curated ROI narrative optics core strategy bright line!

      • The Wanderer

        Maximize that paradigm!

        • wurman

          Is that a strategery? Or a tacticality? Can you have an RO if there is no I? And can they even establish a template? And the “end of the day” cannot possibly dissociate from either the “top of the hour” or “the bottom line.” It’s all really antithetical.

      • Objectifer

        Bingo!

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        Step 3: PROFIT!

  • Oneofthebobs

    I’m gonna stop wasting time on the Internet and start doing my job next month.

    • Crystalclear12

      I am going with November.

  • Crystalclear12

    Why do I keep putting up the vodka?

    • Belasaurius

      just put it in an IV drip

  • JustDon’tSayDittos
  • SnarkOff

    For the entire 240something years America has existed, it seems elections have always been about getting the damn country “back on track.” Was it ever on track? Who laid the track in the first place, and where is the track going? And who decides it is “off track”?

    • Thaumaturgist

      For the entire 12 score years America has existed?

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      So funny! I have been wondering the same thing. We’d better buckle up, no matter who is driving the train.
      https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/1b/70/39/1b7039039a6738317d4d6a42545fe8d2.jpg

    • Blackest Noobs

      i do….wait…no, you do….no wait that guy..yeah you…you’re a white guy…was it you..hold on let me ask this other guy….ok back, he said it was the Chinese that laid the track but it was ok cuz the other white guys let them smoke opium.

      so it’s smoking opium that will get us back on track….with the Chinese.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        you say that like it’s a bad thing…

        • Blackest Noobs

          i would rather smoke opium than deal with these assholes

    • Biff52

      ..

  • TheDogAteMyVote

    The first rule of Fink Club is….

    • Rick Hill

      Fck over the poor? Fck over the middle class? Fck over minorities? Fck over the wealthy….hah! Just seeing if you were paying attention.

      • Blackest Noobs

        you also forgot fuck principles…cuz why be against racism when you can elect a tiny fingered vulgarian who will pick the supreme court justices you want and not veto your Nth time of repealing the ACA.

  • willi0000000

    hey, i want to come soon too but all the pills i’m taking kinda prevent that.

  • JMP

    Shorter Ryan: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball; but
    tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

  • tomamitai

    the Right will continue to believe that it is a huge problem until they literally get to see some poor people starving in the streets

    Not even then will they admit there’s a problem. They’ll just use the internet and talk radio to spread stories about “professional beggars” pulling in six figure incomes by pretending to starve and the saps will believe it.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      that guy begging in the street looks a little chubby- HE’S FAKE!

      • Boscoe

        Plus he still has clothes and BOTH kidneys! GET HIM!!!1!

    • JMP

      And when poor people are literally starving to death because of their policies, the Republicans will look out at the bodies and say, “good”, because they are immoral monsters.

      But you know, any true liberal should vote for Donald Trump to heighten the contradictions because their preferred candidate lost the Democratic primary!

  • Rick Hill

    The Ryan(brilliant!) plan. Just let that donkey know it needs more determination and more knowledge of how great America is, and adding a little more weight to the back of the cart will help it “git ‘er done!”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Rethuglican plan. Kick poor people in the teeth and then blame them for needing medical care and not eating apples to stay healthy.

    • therblig

      or selling apples to pay taxes

  • calliecallie

    OMFG, can we please just write his fucking plan for him?
    * IRS working for the people => tax the rich like it’s 1959, for fuck’s sake!
    * Constitution? => well regulated Militia, motherfuckers => gun control!
    * Keep peace in a dangerous world? => don’t start none, won’t be none
    * Best place to live and raise a family? => Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free. Really.
    * the care we need, from a doctor we choose, at a price we can afford => OBAMACARE, already!
    I am so motherfucking sick of these snakes on this motherfucking plane! Suddenly, these words ring very true for me. Also, I’m having a bad day. Thanks, snakes.

    • The Wanderer

      Sorry that you’re having a bad day.
      Tax the rich like it was 1949, and you have a deal.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Ok. So the Dem platform statement is done. What’s next?

    • OooSillyMe

      STANDING OVATION…..

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Ryan’s idea of helping the poor- offer to rewash their clean dishes

  • The Wanderer

    Ryan believes that all Americans are equally able to starve under a highway overpass. With a caveat – that said ‘equality’ doesn’t apply to him or his paymasters.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Is that the whole thing?”
    Said by anybody right after Paul Ryan revealed something he’d promised them was huge and amazing.

    • The Wanderer

      Been talking to his former girlfriends?

  • JMP

    “Also he is going to make it so people on public assistance go get jobs instead of relying on that public assistance!”

    Wait, wasn’t that the whole point of welfare “reform” in the 90s, which is why now benefits only go to families with minor children aside from the very meager SNAP help that prevents people from literally starving to death? Huh, it’s almost like the GOP was negotiating in bad faith there, the Dems who worked with them thinking that attacks on public welfare would end with this bargain were foolish.

    • SnarkOff

      Also, because the only thing stopping people from working right now is that they’re lazy. There are just so damn many jobs available. They’re giving away jobs! Come on down and get your job!

      • TheDogAteMyVote

        Remember back in the fall of 2008 when 700,000+ people every month decided to get lazy and get on the dole?

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      I have an older friend who is a retired senior and who receives $16.00 a week in SNAP assistance. One pound of crab legs and she’s back on the street selling pencils.

      • OooSillyMe

        I bet that’s $16 a month…..my neighbor who is 80 gets that…..

        • TheDogAteMyVote

          Oh FFS. What is even the point? And does Ryan want to take that away, too?

          • OooSillyMe

            Of course he does……

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        sharpen those pencil points enough and she could spear her own crabs

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Courage: Republican Style.

    “I have a dream . . . that I will share with you if you come back next month.”
    “Friends, Romans, Countrymen . . . check back regularly for updates.”
    “We hold these truths to be self-evident . . . but we’ll have to get back to you on what those truths are.”

    • therblig

      Ask not what your country can do for you. Nope, that’s pretty much it – go away.

  • Creepoman

    Ok, fed the last five bullet points into the bizspeak/bullshit translator:
    1. Dismantle last remaining vestiges of welfare
    2. Eliminate unemployment insurance
    3. Gut teacher’s unions, provide vouchers for religious schools
    4. Eviscerate social security benefits
    5. Privatize anything remaining

  • anna rampage

    The gOP’s official 5 point jobs plan
    (1)
    (2)
    (3)
    (4)
    (5)

    I’m not kidding, that’s exactly what they posted a while back…

    • The Wanderer

      And it’s two points longer than the Underwear Gnomes’ business plan! Progress!

    • SeeTrain65

      Whadda we want? ???????
      When do we want it? NOW!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Holy crap — that website. If you wanna do something really amusing, go to the main page, and then scroll down because the entire goddamn page is filled with a video of Paul Ryan (with no autoplay, mercifully) and then there’s some text. There’s the first paragraph of an essay called “About a Better Way,” and then a little button that says “expand to read more.” Press the button. Press it. Your mind will be blown.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Geocities called, they want their website design back…

      • SayItWithWookies

        The thing that most amused me was when you click the button, it ungrays-out the last line of that paragraph, then looks as though it’s about to expand further, then it stops. There’s only one paragraph. It’s simply amazing in its summation of the promise and substance of any Republican plan ever.

    • beavertank

      That’s very thoughtful of them. That slow fade to white that never quite makes it even half-way there could have made those last few words hard to read. It’s also nice not to have the page cluttered up with a bunch of fully visible words.

    • Biff52

      That. Is. AWESOME.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Apparently they fixed it, or maybe my browser (Chrome) handles the widget differently. I haz no entertain.

  • Msmlg1979

    A Better Way might have been to actually have some fucking ideas.

    • OooSillyMe

      One would think but Ryan is a Republican…their only “ideas” are proven over and over again to not work……

    • Astraea

      They know if they actually published their ideas they’d be massively unpopular.

    • That’s not really Ryan’s thing, he’s more of a big (dumb) picture guy!

      • Msmlg1979

        Details are for losers who don’t lift, brah!

        • Courser

          Ryan has skipped Leg Day waaaay too many times.

  • YoBunnyBunny

    I’m sorry. How is this clown NOT running a GOP presidential shadow campaign???

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      I don’t have enough popcorn and/or handguns for the GOP National Convention. It’s going to be…..

  • say wha

    The most anticipated reveal since Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone’s vault.

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      HA! I watched that live. Of course I think there were six channels on the old TV back then.

      • Snopes Shop

        I did too. – fellow Old

        • TheDogAteMyVote

          Let me pour you a spot of tea.

      • The Wanderer

        I watched it live as well.

      • Astraea

        I was a kid, so it was very exciting. At first.

        • TheDogAteMyVote

          Yep.

        • Master Contrail Program

          Yeah. I was a pretty stoked youngster myself. Then my dad came home and said, “Spoiler Alert (or it’s mid-80s equivalent), there ain’t shit in there, now turn it to the Braves game.”

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        Six? That’s three more than I had.

    • Biff52

      I haven’t seen it yet, so no spoilers please!

    • tehbaddr

      I watched that live, I’ve hated the man ever since.

  • tehbaddr

    Fuck him, with a rusty chain saw!

  • AnOuthouse

    Its not good to rush things but a link to the Wikipedia entry for the constitution would have been nice.

  • anna rampage

    “You don’t dream when you’ve got food stamps.” Paul Ryan…

    Seriously, he really said that….

    BTW, I think the dreams that you have when suffering from extreme malnutrition are call hallucinations….

    • Msmlg1979

      You don’t starve either.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Yes, everybody knows that when you’re on food stamps then you’re already living the dream!

      • Astraea

        The only thing keeping these upstanding Republican citizens from quitting their jobs to enjoy these amazing benefits is the strength of their work ethic.

    • Courser

      Bullshit. I was on SNAP when I decided to go to grad school. Because there were no jobs and it was a good way to survive the recession. And then I actually *went* to grad school. And I have not needed SNAP since (though that has nothing to do with grad school. Jobs came back in Colorado)

  • data_ninja

    On one hand, I’ve made new websites with businesses, and they do expect the content to magically appear on their screen. They give bare outlines of what they want, and hope that the web developer also doubles as a marketing writer/copy editor (which a lot of them do, by default).

    But on the other hand, I think that IS the actual content.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      someone should tell them that you’re not supposed to actually post the bulletpoints

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Which gives me more respect for our marketing/communications office, now that you mention it. Most of what goes online or gets published in internal newsletters has to get vetted. I hear they can really rip shit up. When a colleague tried to get approval to publish a newsletter much later than it should have been published, communications was just like “Why are you publishing shit with deadlines that were two weeks ago, drawing attention to the fact that your LATE?

      So, yeah, people will publish dumb shit on their own websites if you let them.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      As we’ve seen, Wonkette is full of writers who would be happy to fill in the content. C’mon Ryan, this is America’s untapped potential right here!

      • Astraea

        He could hire some of those unemployed folks!

    • One would think you’d wait ’til there was some content before going live with your site… I mean, that’s what a smart person would do.

  • cousin itt

    Their plan is thin at one end much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the other end.

    And it is, too.

    • MarkM

      Just ask Ann Elk, she has a theory about it.

  • AnOuthouse

    He’ll get to it right after his PX90 work out.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …8 years to put together a health plan and all they have is one sentence?! When I was in college I put together a 20 page paper in 6 hours!!! And that was with a massive hangover!!!

    • limberrat

      I thought it would just say “repeal Obamacare”

      • Biff52

        It’s actually more detailed than that.
        1) Repeal Obamacare.
        2) Replace Obamacare.
        3) ???
        4) Profit!

        • Jamoche

          Dammit, clicking that upvote button is so depressing.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well the one thing on Paul Ryan’s website that works is that there’s a link to the same goddamn Paul Ryan video on every fucking page. Next he might even get a video player with a stop/start/pause button.

  • h4rr4r

    Republican plan to get folks off SNAP.
    Make SNAP rolls public, offer each one a minimum wage job. This way when they don’t take it, since it won’t feed them, they get kicked off SNAP!

  • TheGrandWaz00

    What an amazing coincidence! The GOPs new ideas are exactly equal to the zero fucks I give about them.

    • bubbuhh

      U a math genius 2

  • anwisok

    So many Ideas! Much confidence! So Principle!

  • tehbaddr
  • OrdinaryJoe

    Holy JohnBoehner Batman, Ryan is being smothered in a massive pile of his own bull shit.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This is starting to remind me of the bar with a sign out front: “Free Beer Tomorrow.”

  • bubbuhh

    Please, please, can we have Ryan read out his entire plan on nationwide TV tonight? Please!

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    Seriously, they thought that Post-it note® needed a menu… lololol

  • Objectifer

    Check back in July for my comment.

  • Jgb979

    The only thing this one has ever done is sell good old fashioned 1980 golden shower economics and convince mainstream media dummies that these are new ideas! He’s serious!

    Maybe this time kicking poor people off of the meager social safety net while giving super duper awesome mega tax cuts to the job creators will work??? (It will not work)

    • Anarchy Pony

      Depends on who it works for…

  • SeeTrain65

    Vague catch phrases are easy and can mean anything you want. Specifics are hard. And Ryan’s specifics are usually hard on everyone but him.

  • cousin itt

    Needs moar roll up banners in front of the hotel meeting room.

  • anwisok

    Loooooooooove the navigation setup on that page! I don’t think I’ve seen anything that user friendly since, oh, I dunno . . . uh, well, then again – there was the site we laughed at in the deleted comments discussion Sunday.

  • limberrat

    I have seen corporate press releases full of bullshit to cover up the fact that they have no plan for a project that said more than Paul Ryan’s “plan.”

  • Anarchy Pony

  • anna rampage

    And to think they claim that this guy is the smartest guy they got….

    Face palm…

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      What’s really alarming is that they are probably correct.

    • MarkM

      The competition is not particularly stiff.

    • He might be, but that’s not complementary of him at all…

  • Bitter Scribe

    Ryan and those who think like him basically believe that government can’t and shouldn’t do anything to benefit anyone who isn’t rich. So why in the world would anyone expect them to have a vision, or ideas, or anything other than platitudes and criticism?

    • MarkM

      They are nothing but a bunch of elitist scolds, whose only core belief is that the great unwashed should shut their mouths and trust their betters (white, male, wealthy), to govern the nation in a manner that will benefit only those who can afford to make juicy contributions to their campaigns and SuperPacs. Everyone else can fight over the crumbs that fall off their tables. The strong will survive – and if they are lucky, one day maybe they can be Republicans too!

  • Msmlg1979

    Man who works a fraction of the hours most Americans work, for many times over the money, is maybe not the best person to be judging other’s work ethics. Just saying.

    • MarkM

      Especially when he and his colleagues spend most of their time in Washington openly refusing to do the little bit of work they should be doing…like holding confirmation hearings for a new Supreme Court justice.

      • Msmlg1979

        Sound like the takers they’re always so upset about, don’t they? They take their exorbitant salaries and cushy healthcare plan, deny the people they’re working for living wages and healthcare, then don’t even do the job we pay them to do.

    • Courser

      A lot of people don’t know that a single person without dependents will not qualify for SNAP benefits because Unemployment compensation puts them over the limit for SNAP. So you can choose between SNAP and unemployment compensation.

      Also, if you’re required to find work, they keep you in a classroom for 4 hours a day twice a week, doing stupid shit like making some masks for a party at a retirement home. They gave us crayons and we finished in about 15 minutes. After which, we were told to make more.

      I actually lost brain cells for the short time before my job started up. The stupidist thing I’ve ever had to do. Also there was a guy just out of jail the day before who was high on coke or meth or whatever. It was scary.

    • Objectifer

      Fund raising for re-election is a full time job.

  • JMP

    OT, but MSNBC just reported that Mark Kirk just officially rescinded his previous endorsement of Trump. Of course he’s a Republican Senator up for reelection in a liberal state who is probably going to lose his seat no matter what.

    • SeeTrain65

      Your words, His ears.

    • Bitter Scribe

      This comes a day after Tammy Duckworth, his opponent, started slapping him around over the Judge Curiel deal.

  • Randy Riddle

    No wonder the Republicans can’t get anything done. They keep saying they want to do things that were actually already done during the Reagan administration or that the Constitution won’t allow them to do.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    So in other words- more right wing agitprop. I wish Ayn Rand’s poolboy would at least come up with something novel- hell I can write the fucking thing myself because it’s just recycled bullshit.

  • natoslug

    Was someone staring at his tits too long? If not, WTF is all that raise our gaze bullshit about?

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Well, he keeps skipping Leg Day, so what are we supposed to look at?

  • TheDogAteMyVote

    Trump’s promise to replace Obamacare with “Something Great” is actually a more detailed and thoughtful plan than Ryan’s.

  • Allow me to look into my crystal ball:

    Tax reform:

    1. End the “death” tax

    2. Capital gains tax cuts

    3. Corporate tax cuts

    4. Income tax cuts skewed to the top tier.

    Constitution:

    1. STATE’S RIGHTS!

    2. Except on things we don’t like…

    3. GUNZ FER ALL! WOO-HAH!!! (blasts ceiling with six shooters)

    4. RELIGIOUS FREEDOM FOR ALL TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ICKY GAYS!!!!

    National Security:

    1. We believe in small government. Except this. Give mohr monies pleeeze?

    2. We need to secure the peace in the Middle East by bombing Syria more and pissing off the Russians, and tearing up the Iranian nuclear deal! That’ll learn ‘em!

    3. Also sell arms to Ukraine because GUNZ FER ALL! WOO-HAH!!! BLAM BLAM BLAM!

    Economy:

    1. MORE TAX CUTZ!

    2. ????

    3. BALANCED BUDGET!!!

    Health Care:

    1. No more Obamacare.

    2. Deregulate insurance industry. We can trust them!

    3. Sell across state lines, so if you have a problem with your insurance company based in the regulation free zone formerly known as Texas and you live anywhere else, good luck getting that resolved. Should have bought a better plan, losers.

    4. MORE TAX CUTZ!!!! WOO-HAH!!!! BLAM BLAM BLAM!

    • anna rampage

      But think about how many jobs all of this will create!
      Absolutely none…..

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      Coming to a town near you (check back later this month)…

  • MrBlobfish

    Trickle-down economics will surely work this time, not like all those other times.

  • natoslug

    Synergy! Dynamism! ISO 9000! Collaborative Empowerment! Winning! There ya go, Paulie, I just improved your plan 1200000%.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    A Confident America doesn’t need to see the details, we just know it will work!

  • TheGrandWaz00
  • natoslug

    Did he make it through high school and college on Cliff’s Notes? That would explain a lot, actually.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    1. Taxes- cuts for the rich and corporations
    2. Constitution- restoring state’s rights, guns for all, let police beat up black people with even more impunity blah, blah, blah
    3. National Security- bomb the Ayrabs, do whatever the Likud in Israel want, threaten anyone who looks at us funny and secure the borders with walls and fences
    4. Healthcare- get rid of Obamacare, turn Medicaid into block grants, let insurance companies sell across state lines, establish expensive high risk pools and increase HSA’s. Partially privatize Medicare. Ban abortion, contraception and failing that, make women get vaginally probed while closing all the clinics. Let the states handle the giant, out of control corporations
    5. Retirement- Privatize social security.

    I know there will probably be some bullshit about massively increasing defense spending and cancelling the war on poverty programs. Oh, and impeaching Hitlery

    • Doug Langley

      You cracked the code!

  • TimJ

    My fave part of the website is “Expand here to read more” and it gives five more words! Ok design, awful execution.

  • natoslug

    Birdie Sanders is an unrealistic dreamer for wanting to go bold, but Paul Ryan is a conservative jeenyus for wanting to go bold? Okay, I think I see the difference . . .

    • chicken thief

      “Going bold” to Paul ‘P motherfucking 90 X’ Ryan means resting only 30 seconds between sets.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Going bold for the poor=bad.
      Going bold for the wealthy=greatness.

  • natoslug

    Too many words. Reduce your plan to its essence, Paulie: “FUCK. THE. POOR.”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, you’ll never guess whose Speaker’s blog has Disqus-powered comments!
    http://www.speaker.gov/press-release/republicans-announce-first-two-policy-rollout-events

    • say wha

      I’ll race ya’ll over there!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Careful. In a Republican discussion forum a user can get banned after being flagged as “Mexican, we believe.”

    • natoslug

      I was tempted to post “BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI” over there, but they’d probably misinterpret it as support for yet another hearing.

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      Be still, my devious heart…

    • TheGrandWaz00

      Tempting, but my disqus e-mail sign up is my real name.

    • chicken thief

      Wonder how long that will last…

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Paul Ryan’s “confident” ‘Merca: “Because we’re good enough, we’re smart enough and doggone it, people like us!”

  • D_C_Wilson

    How hard is it for Ryan to repackage the same “let the poor and elderly eat cat food” plan he’s been peddling for the last several years?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    If this is the product of Ryan’s tenure so far, I’d say it’s safe to sign up for his newsletter without fear of being spammed.

  • MrBlobfish

    There’s talk already of impeaching Trump is the courts and Congress can’t rein him in. And that’s Republicans saying that.

    • TheDogAteMyVote

      They should just expedite the process and grassy knoll him.

      • Doug Langley

        Then blame Hillary. It’s win-win.

    • MarkM

      I think I’ll be using this a lot over the next few months.
      https://youtu.be/ZuXxy8cjZQA

    • Msmlg1979

      I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

    • chicken thief

      One would think it would be easier to simply not vote for him.

    • Astraea

      So they’re going to convince him to appoint a VP they can live with then impeach him?

      Activating Reverse Palin Plan 2016

  • An entire national party whose policy is .

  • AntiDerpomeme

    You know who else is coming this month?

    • jviscont1

      Summer Santa?

    • chicken thief

      All of us, hopefully, and more than once?

      • Astraea

        If I don’t just fall asleep first.

    • Msmlg1979

      The Iceman?

    • chicken thief

      I GAVE UP MY HOOKERS!!11!! GIVE IT A REST, MKAY?!!!!!

      ~ David in Looziana

    • say wha

      Bill Clinton?

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Hopefully me, at some point.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      Jesus….?

    • Painter of Goats

      Whoa, it’s June again already? Gotta tell Mr. PoG to go find one of his pills.

    • Courser

      Me? Mebbe later when Hillary says her speech tonight?

  • jviscont1

    Good to know that this dick is confident in keeping positions on the minimum wage to a minimum.

  • natoslug

    What this nation needs is another Benghazi investigation. And a vote to repeal Obamacare. That should fix us right up.

  • dshwa

    So the ideas he and Trump share are Slogans! and Details Later!

    • Boscoe

      HAHA More like: Details Never! “You don’t need to know what we’re doing, only that it’ll be GREAT! Now off with you, those bootstraps ain’t gonna pull themselves!”

  • OddMan

    Slightly OT
    Ms. Robyn ‘Pinocchio’ Pennacchia, I loved your use of the phrase, “on tenterhooks as to mean “a state of tension, uneasiness, anxiety”.
    It’s a wonderful old word, it comes from using wooden tenters to stretch wool while it is drying. The cloth was held in place by tenterhooks which kept the wool in tension.
    Thanks for making me use my brain a bit today.
    http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/on-tenterhooks.html

    Oh, and Mr Ryan, a “Better Way” might be to have an actual plan in place before you put up your web page.

    • Courser

      Agreed! It’s one of the very first times I’ve seen the phrase used correctly! Kudos Ms. Robyn!

  • wandajayne

    I must say that I am disappointed that Ryan didn’t mention the republican plan for block grants consisting of bootstraps.

  • Mimihaha

    My guess is he’ll just make it illegal to make under $100,000 a year, and then jail all of us who dare to not make that much.

  • say wha

    SNAP will be replaced by POOF!, as in POOF! all your benefits are gone!

    • Doug Langley

      It’s like magic!

  • Astraea

    All the poverty stuff is hidden in the PDF! http://abetterway.speaker.gov/_assets/pdf/ABetterWay-Poverty-PolicyPaper.pdf

    They take a lot of credit for getting people back to work after the recession, it’s pretty funny.

    I also learned that barriers to marriage are keeping people poor. If only we women could find a good man to help pay our bills we’d be all set. Or a bad man. They don’t care, as long as he has a job.

    • Msmlg1979

      I love having a job that pays all my bills with no help from anyone. It’s like being a walking, breathing affront to their sexist bullshit.

      Also too women providing for their households would be less poor if they made as much as men. So Ryan is getting on the pay gap immediately, right?

      • Astraea

        Don’t be silly! How would companies afford to create more low-paying jobs if they had to pay a fair wage?

        Also too, they fought against marriage for years. I guess only opposite-sex marriage magically erases poverty.

      • Plushinobi

        No, Silly. The pay gap is there to remind us feeble minded women that our real place is in the home backing cookies for the men-folks. If we made as much as men do for the same jobs we might suddenly get weird ideas in our pretty little heads. Ideas about having rights over our own bodies, for example. Or ideas about how we prefer to be called by our names instead of cute pet names. That would ruin everything this great nation stands for, doncha know.

  • sadboy

    ‘A confident America’? Is this a serious plan or a pitch to sell Ryan-branded feminine hygiene products?

    • Msmlg1979

      Do not want! Would not use!

    • AntiDerpomeme

      I imagine his constituency is more into incontinence products.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      They all come with tiny cameras and microphones to make sure you’re only doing fundagelical-approved activities with your naughty bits.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Then it could be called “It Takes One to Know One.”

  • arglebargle

    It’s a fucking deoderant commercial…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdNf9pvPfjI

    • sadboy

      Be confident with the scent that blends a piquant Wisconsin cheese with the musk of a post-workout men’s locker room, and a whiff of appeasement.

  • Fly

    Ryan uses a spell check so advanced it prevents random capitalization and blames Hillary for any typos.

  • chicken thief

    Apparently using the GoDaddy Website Builder tool isn’t as easy as it looks in their commercials.

  • MrBlobfish

    ★☆☆☆☆ – Slow response. Will not check back later.

  • ClarkJoe

    Paul Ryan puts the ‘con’ in ‘confident.’

  • chicken thief

    Well, at least he didn’t make a fucking PowerPoint presentation.

  • PubOption

    I wondered what a superdelegate looked like.

    • Doug Langley

      My understanding is something like this . . .

  • 1ucille_bluth1

    Look, they just want a Confident America. No, they don’t know any specifics or have any actual policies. Isn’t enough that they just want it to be better?!?

    Just have some confidence in us, people. Just vote us in and we’ll figure all that out later next month.

    • Jamoche

      This is the end result of making everyone go through Esteemsters.

  • Nockular cavity

    They’re still working on coming up with a less obvious better version of their program than this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8zhNb8ANe8

    • hendenburg2

      Hidden video footage of the meeting:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owI7DOeO_yg

    • Anarchy Pony

      Once they perfect automated labor, killing the poor will finally be a viable option.

      • No, see, they’ll want to criminalize poverty so that they can keep the prison-industrial complex and debt collecting viable.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    We interrupt your regularly scheduled
    thread to Make America Laugh Again.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_Ua53PJlv8

    • Anarchy Pony

      Jesus christ, was that actual audio of her? She just got more and more word salady as she went along…

  • Jamoche

    But a minimum wage people can live on, and no loopholes that let Walmart make everyone “part time” so they don’t get benefits – that’s right out.

    • Courser

      If Walmart paid their people an honest living wage, there’d be a LOT less people on SNAP. Now there’s a fix the Rethugs never considered.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        They considered it but rejected because Walmart is a person.

  • I Only Like Cats

    Which is why I didn’t apply for SNAP benefits (I have joint damage, especially in my hands, moderate asthma, and sever anxiety so I could not take “any job offered” and when I moved I did not have healthcare or income figured out at all so I couldn’t go to the doctor to find out if it was arthritis or not, and I’m only 19 and none of my problems are bad enough yet that social security would even consider my case)

    • Logic of Color

      I’m sorry you are going through this and wish you the best of luck. Now I feel bad for giggling when I read “I Only Like Cats Which is why I didn’t apply for SNAP benefits”

      • I Only Like Cats

        Don’t feel bad, that’s hilarious. oh i’m alright. i found an at home job and have a canadian to take care of me (who i’ll be flying over to see in less than a month)

    • ahughes798

      Social Security will hardly ever consider any case unless you hire a lawyer. Then they sit up a bit and take notice. Apply for it on your own, and see what happens. You will probably be turned down. Then, hire a lawyer..they’re free if they don’t win your case for you, and if you do win, the lawyers are only allowed to take 6% of your initial payment. It took me 2.5 years to get it, and it was worth it. I wish you all the best!

      • I Only Like Cats

        thanks! i’ll take it under advisement. If only we were dirty rotten commies who got automatic income, whether we worked or not. *shakes fist at all the countries testing it out or considering it*

  • WhyFelicia

    I can’t wait to see his plans for dealing with the current heroine epidemic and booming homeless populations! I’ll bet he’s got some really good ideas up his sleeve!

    • All I know is that far, far too many females are saving me from precarious predicaments! I demand fewer heroines!

      • WhyFelicia

        Oh, man. And I haven’t even started drinking yet, so I don’t have an excuse.

        • sadboy

          Sorry, could not resist.

          Everyone a Maserati! (Fake golf swing)

          • wurman

            O lord won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz
            My friends all have Porches

        • SDGeoff

          I decreed early drinking time because we are in California and we all need it. Pull up a chair and join me in a chelada.

          • WhyFelicia

            I can’t fathom downing such a drink, but I have a massive bottle on gin in the freezer that keeps giving me the stink eye. I should teach it a lesson.

          • SDGeoff

            I liike them, but that bottle of gin is a lot more prettier, and deserves to be disciplined with lime juice.

    • Jeff in the desert

      So he is saying that supporting Hillary, as our savory from Trump is a heroine epidemic. I guess along with Elizabeth Warren, Nancy Pelosi, and other notables.

    • Cool_North

      That’s an ambush comment! He’s about Confident America, not downtrodden America.

    • MarkM

      I blame Marvel Studios for the heroine epidemic.

    • sadboy

      Yeah, we’ve got too many heroines out there today. Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Malala Yousoufzai, Angela Merkel, the Editrix…

    • MsAnthropesMr
    • Zhu Bajie

      Maybe he thinks heroin over-doses will eliminate the homeless population.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        From what I hear, the heroin epidemic has moved into white middle America. I expect the GOP to issue platitudes & scale back the lock ’em up rhetoric. We shall see.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    In a Confident America, there will be men of great Confidence, who will arise to take the reins of leadership, for that is their benefit and their birthright. And they shall be known as Confidence Men. And we will look to them for leadership, in our hour of need.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    I’m really surprised the insertface.com website isn’t porn.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Maybe you’re reading “insertinface”? or “inherface”?
      Dick joke quota reached…

  • Jeff in the desert

    So what you’re saying Robyn is that his positions correspond to Trump’s?

    • MsAnthropesMr

      You spend too much time on the internet.

  • Master Contrail Program

    None of us have any right to mock Ryan’s Confident America Plan, since we haven’t read it yet. I’m confident the fact that it hasn’t been written yet, is irrelevant.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Is this some kind of weird viral marketing thing for the 10 Cloverfield Lane blu-ray?

  • Cranky Man

    Haha, you’re still surprised ( you’re not surprised!) that conservatives don’t give a rat’s ass about anyone but those that have wealth already.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Maybe that’s because they don’t actually have any rat’s asses. Don’t you feel bad now?

      • Cranky Man

        Not too bad, I’ll pray for guidance. …………… nope, no badness felt. I do not give a rat’s ass about people who don’t have a rat’s ass I guess.

  • When this was breathlessly pronounced this AM, I said to Mr Fuflans:

    1. Tax cuts
    2. Entitlement reductions
    3. Tort reform
    4. Selling insurance across state lines.

    Did I forget any?

    • anna rampage

      Banning abortion in all cases, because a rape baby is just a defenseless little child that would make great cannon fodder for some future war?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Sometimes, all you need to sell a lemon is a shiny new coat of paint.

      • Last Hussar

        All you need to sell me a lemon is gin and tonic with ice.

        • kareemachan

          Nah, that’s lime. All you need to sell me a lemon is a Lemon Drop.

    • JoeChristmas

      5. Double the defense budget.
      6. guns, guns, and more guns.

      • Spotts1701

        7. Eliminate “job-killing” regulations like workplace safety and the minimum wage.
        8. Vouchers for religious schools (of the Jesus-y variety, natch).

        • BigBoppa

          9. Eliminate the EPA and IRS.
          10. Defund Planned Parenthood.
          11. Blame Obama.

          • alnnc

            And of course, the ever popular
            12. Health Care Savings Account increases. So all of those people working part time minimum wage jobs can sock away $5,000 a year tax free! Who can resist?

          • Tansy Geek

            And still not meet the deductible on the insurance plan.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Gigantic military, expensive new wars ever year or two.

    • Tansy Geek

      Privatize Social Security.

  • SDGeoff

    I’m not about to hold my breath until any more information is added to Mr. Ryan’s adorable web site.

    • Anarchy Pony

      GOP 2016:

      • MarkM

        1980, 1984, 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, 2004, 2008, 2012, 2016, 2020, 2024, 2028…..

  • Gorillionaire

    Why does Ryan give a shit about any of these things again? His party says government doesn’t need to be concerned about any of that as long as they are effectively guarding the rich people’s stuff.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Robyn, Robyn, Robyn, so impatient, so, so very impatient. Typical woman!

    Let me mansplain somethin’ to you, darlin’, in a totally undemeanin’, not at all contemptuous manner, ’cause that’s just how I roll.

    Don’t worry your purty little head about the details because a much wiser man than you, if you get my drift, has thought it all out even if he hasn’t quite gotten around to it yet.

    So don’t you git all impatient and bleedin’ from your whatever because I might just have to smack you upside the….

    Whoa, wait a minute! Did I just type that? Sorry, I had a bad dream where I was Donald Trump’s Chief of Outreach to Females.

    It won’t happen again.

    (Though I do a wicked Peggy Noonan impersonation, people tell me.)

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Pshaw. Anyone with a couple of bottles of gin can do a passable Peggy Noonan.

  • JoeChristmas

    I got a coupon to come back and check on next month!

  • Master Contrail Program

    I haven’t been this excited for a big reveal, since the WWF was hauling a giant egg to all of their November 1987 shows. My most fervent hope, is that they can get Mean Gene Okerlund to come out of retirement. Then this Confident Day in American history will be accorded the solemn dignity and gravitas, it will so richly deserve.

    https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3Dxh00VNHNB7o&ved=0ahUKEwjc6PHh65bNAhWBViYKHWEUCYEQtwIIHzAB&usg=AFQjCNEkMge2YuC4kGpkAQTwr9kmZNXJyw&sig2=OmabYBgNF3ZOkPj5D0aqjg

  • Barley_Brains

    UselessRyan==UselessFuckstick.

    • Jeff in the desert

      so you divide both sides by useless and get Ryan=Fuckstick…..maths is useful

      • Barley_Brains

        The Division Property of Equality rocks!!

  • Master Contrail Program

    Coming soon! Paul Ryan confidently reveals the contents of Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase!

    • JohnC44

      What does House Speaker Paul Ryan look like?!
      Does he look like a bitch?

      Yes. Yes he does.

  • Jeff in the desert

    Nothin’ here…..just chillin’…..

  • NotConvinced

    Paul Ryan has been schlepping around his ” budget” prop folder for a mind numbing number of years now. The only thing that has changed over time is the color of the cover. And still to this day…no numbers. HOW CAN A BUDGET HAVE NO NUMBERS ???

    • MrCanoehead

      It’s filled with styrofoam, like those display wedding cakes.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    This is a snapshot of the entire GOP platform. No ideas at all (but plenty of patriotic sounding intros!) on anything except fuck those poor moochers. Because reasons.

  • Rick Hill

    He’s like an incompetent evil genius, he’s telling us what they plan to do. Go bold, take everything they can because with Turnip as the candidate, they’ll lose all control.

  • ahughes798

    You know what really chaps my arse? The fact that single people w/o children deserve to only eat air. We’re even poorer than people with children. Someone posted below that single people w/o children are allowed 3 months of SNAP in every 3 year period. I guess since we haven’t bred, we don’t deserve food? At least for 33 months out of 36. I really don’t think this is fair, as I believe single, child-free poor people deserve to eat, too. At least one meal a day.

    http://www.alternet.org/news-amp-politics/one-million-americans-are-about-lose-their-food-stamp-benefits

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      So it’s “have a child, or don’t eat”. Makes absolutely no sense.

      • Sakonyachen

        They need more soldiers and Christians to vote republican after all.

        • kareemachan

          They need more babies to tell them to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        It does when they expect you to eat your children.

        • JustDon’tSayDittos

          Planned Parenthood LIBULZ!!!!!!

    • alnnc

      And just wait until you try to get Medicaid in a state that refused the expansion under ACA. It’s virtually impossible.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        Much better to make the emergency rooms pay for dat shit.

  • WeaselPoo

    Many pixels dies to bring us this ‘information’.

  • Last Hussar

    Reward work and tailor benefits to peoples needs?

    He’s a Marxist; “From each according to their ability, to each according to their need.”

    • eddi

      Reb weasel words for “lower taxes on the rich and corporations” and “cut Federal welfare programs”

  • Mike Janowski

    Is a “tenterhook” something we can hang Paul Ryan on and throw tomatoes at him? Cuz that’s what I want to do!

    • Smokahontas

      Sshhhhh! You have to thow votes, or you’ll get in trouble!!!1!!!11! It’s teh rulz!!1!1!!

      • pstockholm

        You could play Calvin ball with his smug, lying, math-challenged head, I don’t think any rules apply then.

  • eddi

    Everything old is new again. Frankly he makes Trump look good. And that’s bad.

    • david green

      Sound good. Nothing could make Trump LOOK good.

  • Made.In.Detroit

    Let me guess. Welfare for poor and hungry children is bad (and a choice) but corporate welfare to billionaires like the Walmart heirs is great.

  • Poly_Ester

    A math genius? He can’t even add.

  • pstockholm

    I was told there would be no math.
    Oh, there is none. OK carry on.

  • pstockholm

    Well the poverty plan is all-caps so at least we know he’s serious about that stuff.

  • Peripatetic Poltroon

    – I will do stuff!
    – Yay job creators!
    – I will solve the many problems!
    – Low taxes!
    – Yay job creators!
    – Much benefits!
    – Healthy, healthy, healthy! Cheap!
    – No freeloaders!
    – Yay job creators!
    – Kill *all* the ISIS!
    – Scary trans! Scary! Scary! Scary!
    – Big banks! With guns!
    – Yay job creators!

  • Relativicus

    Paul Ryan’s main obstacle is that the general public isn’t as dumb as are the reporters and political analysts upon whom Ryan’s Wonk Status is built. When Ryan explains his policies to normal people, normal people recoil. So Ryan is stuck explaining the details to a pack of media professionals who care about little else than propping up one allegedly moderate and thoughtful conservative in order to show balance in their coverage, and the rest of us are stuck with euphemisms and platitudes.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “Yes, yes, Moses, those certainly are numbers. Good for you. But what are the actual commandments?”

  • NotConvinced

    Has anyone seen his “budget” lately? You know that folder of paper without numbers in it that he’s been schlepping around for all these years.

  • freakishlystrong

    If you need Donald Trump to be President to pass your dumb plan for a “confident America”, Ur doin’ it wrong.

  • Kooolest G

    I actually wish they would tailor benefits to people’s needs. my nephew is disabled, but he’s had jobs before bagging groceries or sweeping floors. because of the way the system is, he has to choose between work or disability checks, and the disability checks are more $. maybe the esteemed speaker of the house can fix that one for us even without having to elect the racist

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