Associated Press Calls Democratic Primary For Hillary Clinton, Who Is Tyrant King Of You Now

Hillz right now

JUST IN, BREAKING BIG NEWS FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE OUR REAL DAD:

Hillary Clinton will be the first woman to top the presidential ticket of a major U.S. political party, having captured commitments from the number of delegates needed to become the Democratic Party's presumptive nominee.

It was a victory that arrived Monday — nearly eight years to the day after she conceded her first White House campaign to Barack Obama and famously noted her inability to "shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling."

What how who why where? That is what you are asking. Well, what had happened, as the AP explains, is that after the primaries in Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands, Hillary needed just 24 more delegates to clinch the nomination. What has JUST happened is that enough uncommitted superdelegates, seeing the writing on the wall and perhaps ready to do Party Unity to each other's mouths and bottoms, declared their support to nudge her over the top. Sounds like SOMEBODY (Hillary) called a bunch of people and threatened to Benghazi their moms if they don't endorse her RIGHT NOW. Haha, we are saying a #silly, Hillz doesn't make those calls by herself, Huma Abedin does that! Haha, we made a #silly again, because for real, that is not how this all works.

About the AP's call here. There is an argument to be made that news organizations shouldn't automatically include superdelegate counts, since they're, by definition, not officially committed, and could change their minds like many did in 2008, when it was clear that Obama was overtaking Hillary (key word there is "overtaking"). And it's true that if there is some unforeseen catastrophe, like Hillary is found guilty of murdering JFK with Ted Cruz's dad before the convention, the supers could overturn the will of the people and decide to #FeelTheBern.

That's why they exist, actually! For crisis moments, NOT for overturning the will of the people. Otherwise, when it is obvious who the winner will be, they just follow the will of the people. That's why the AP's call here is safe.

Samantha Bee 'splains this most excellently:

Voters go to the polls Tuesday in New Jersey, California, Montana, New Mexico, and South Dakota (and also there is an undemocratic caucus in North Dakota), and before all these Shillary the Billary Killary Hickory Dickory Dock superdelegates motioned their support, Hillz was set to enter the day with 289 more pledged delegates than Bernie, and a lead of more than 3,000,000 votes. That's all still there.

Before now, Hillary only needed the results of the New Jersey Primary (polls close at 8 p.m. Eastern) to hit the magic number of 2,383. Polling there shows her ahead by over 20 points. Now New Jersey and California and the other states voting Tuesday will only add to that total.

We know that some people will yell #RIGGED, and we understand that these things suck, because one person has to win and one person has to lose. And could the AP have gotten it totally wrong? We guess so, but in this case, probably not. But still, GO VOTE TUESDAY ANYWAY.

Everybody's voices need to be heard, and then we can get down to the business of beating Donald fucking Trump in November. Seriously, DONALD FUCKING TRUMP.

This guy:

We rest our case and welcome our new unelected empress queen of America, who just made history.

[ AP ]