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RNC Convention
Don’t forget to bring a towel!

Anyone who’s ever attended a specialty convention will tell you that it is a rather massive undertaking to coordinate several thousand like-minded individuals in a confined space. Whether it’s a gathering of animal costume fetishists, comic book and sci-fi geeks, porn stars, or politicians, these unique meet-ups are logistical nightmares that require the cooperation of local authorities and governments for permits, police, and private security, as well as staffers, work crews, sponsorships, and an event space large enough to house the endeavor. This doesn’t even take into account the surrounding communities that need to prepare for the flood of yahoos who barrel into town needing hotels, restaurants, and parking spaces to empty the shitters in their Wonkebagos.

You’d think that some 150+ years after the first Republican National Convention, the 39th would be pretty easy. It’s done every four years, right? Get some balloons and confetti, a couple cops, and find a stadium with air conditioning and a solid P.A. system where you can hold a bitchin’ laser light show, and wrap everything up with a break dancing Ronald Reagan hologram. Just offer up some cheap booze, some shitty fried food, and bing-bang-boom: you’ve got yourself a spectacle to soak up news coverage for days. What could go wrong?

Well, your entire base could revolt and elect a quasi-fascist demagogue who spends a year airing dirty laundry, belching sentence-fragments, and barking at the national press corps for starters. The nominee could actively encourage violence and extremists who have only existed in the dark corners of the the party, like a drunk wife-beating uncle at the family reunion.

Such is the case of the GOP convention today. A veritable exodus of party die-hards, sponsors, and vendors have been quietly making statements that they won’t be attending the four-day shit show in Cleveland this year. Clearly, there is an elephant in the room.

“I’m sure it will be fun, I’m sure it will be entertaining. And I can watch it on TV.”
– Sen. Lindsey Graham.

“Just as they’re firming up the schedule, it kind of looks like there’s a lot of stuff for me to do.”
-Sen. Rob Johnson

“I don’t even want to be involved…It’s a mess. I hate the whole thing.”
-Gov. Larry Hogan, MD

“Donald J. Trump is the Republican Party’s nominee, But he will not be my nominee and I will not attend a convention celebrating his candidacy.”
-Josh Claybourn, IN. GOP Delegate

Yer Wonkette is clearly not losing any sleep over this, but it’s worth mentioning that everyone seems to think that they’ll catch cooties if they show up at GOPlaooza this year. While Trump certainly scares the living shit out of down ballot candidates and the Grand Old Party’s steadfast guard of olds alike, they’re realizing they’re stuck with him, whether they like it or not.

That same sick and disgusted feeling normally felt after a night of heavy drinking is radiating to convention sponsors and vendors like Coca-cola, Microsoft, and H.P. who are politely saying that they would rather take a flying fuck into Lake Erie than be associated with Trump’s orgiastic coronation as God Emperor.

“Coca-Cola has declined to match the $660,000 it gave for the 2012 Republican convention, donating only $75,000 for this year and indicating that it does not plan to provide more. Microsoft will provide only software and technical assistance to the Republicans’ event, while it plans to give that and monetary support to Democrats.”

Now, losing your sponsors would be bad for most people, but this is the party of trickle-down economics, they’ll probably be OK if they have to shell out some cash for a slap and tickle at the Jesus juicebar. They are, however, going to have a little bit of trouble when it comes to keeping everything together outside of the unimaginatively named Quicken Loans Arena.

Traditionally, the Secret Service is in charge of the security inside of the convention hall and in the immediate area outside of the venue. The rest is left up to local cops and private security, usually off-duty cops, and cops on assignment form other police departments. Cincinnati just pulled its cops from the convention because, while Cincinnati is simultaneously hosting an NAACP convention, Cleveland is being some cheap-shits and declining to pay for necessary medical check-ups for visiting officers, as well as workers compensation claims. God forbid there should be a riot at a contentious convention, or someone should get sick, you wouldn’t want to have to pay the medical bills of cops injured in the line of duty. So much for #BlueLivesMatter!

Other police departments in Ohio are pulling out as well, probably sensing the stink of shit and teargas in the air. The Butler County Sheriff’s office declined as well, stating that Cleveland seemed to have enough officers willing to beat and pepper spray protesters should things get out of control. Greensboro, North Carolina, also opted not to send additional officers to Cleveland for similar reasons, with their chief of police basically saying that Cleveland just didn’t have its shit together to handle 50,000 preppers, zealots, spoiled Brobots, and grumpy old white men hanging off the Trump-train.

“In recently weeks, I have spoken with Police Administrators who have experience in planning for an event of this magnitude and they express a lack of confidence in the City of Cleveland and their preparedness for the RNC. Due to this reason, they declined to send officers from their jurisdictions. While we always make a concerted effort to assist our law enforcement partners, we have a responsibility to ensure that we are sending our officers to an event that is well planned and that we do not leave ourselves in a vulnerable situation here at home while we send our officers to assist in another jurisdiction.”

Cleveland has said that it plans on making sure that the cops it DOES have are going to be warm and maybe friendly-looking. They want to hold back the “military-style equipment” and “personal protective gear” unless there’s someone other than Trump starts throwing bombs. Cops will be patrolling on bicycles, for that old-timey community policing feel mixed with hipster-chic.

But don’t worry, you guys! Cleveland may not be able to set up their convention properly anyway because the Cavaliers made it into NBA finals! Since the convention takes six weeks to prepare, and the finals won’t be over until four weeks before the convention starts, the crews will have two fewer weeks to get everything ready! WOO! SPORTS! Cleveland rocks!

All is well

Oh yeah, the Democrats are going to have a clusterfuck of a shitshow probably too.

[NY Times / Maddow / WSJ]

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  • Nounverb911

    Don’t the GOPers have to wait until the Clevelander sportsballers finish playing sports ball in the convention site before they can start blowing balloons to fall down on them?

    • Yeah, I think so. Lebron>Trump

      • data_ninja

        Obligatory: “Our economy is based on Lebron James”
        (And I can say this as someone who grew up in Parma, OH) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          It’s worked better than the previous Ehlo-based economy.

          • data_ninja

            I’ll have to get the clerk to do a Mark Price check on that.

        • JoeChristmas

          We’re Not Detroit!!!

      • CapnFatback

        They have to be careful: the players may try to dunk Trump’s round orange head.

      • SnarkTank

        I’m pretty sure the guy who washes out King James’ jock > Trump.

        • berkeleyfarm

          One thing Cavs and Dubs fans can agree on!

    • Aquaria

      It actually doesn’t take very long to do those balloons. IIRC from the RNC Houston bash, they did 200,000 balloons in two days with about

  • dslindc

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

    *deep breath*

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

  • Nounverb911

    Looks like that will be a good week to go on the road with the Indians.

    • SeeTrain65

      In Delhi.

    • Querolous

      Marlon Byrd is not going to bother to appeal his 162 day PED suspension. There are more important things one can do with their life other than play for Chief Wahoo.

  • dslindc

    Well, your entire base could revolt and elect a quasi-fascist demagogue who spends a year airing dirty laundry, belching sentence-fragments, and barking at the national press corps for starters. The nominee could actively encourage violence and extremists who have only existed in the dark corners of the the party, like a drunk wife-beating uncle at the family reunion.

    Delightfully accurate description of the dumpster fire that is the GOP!

  • Treg.Brown

    “Cops will be patrolling on bicycles, for that old-timey community policing feel mixed with hipster-chic.”

    I for one, can’t wait.

    • yyyaz

      Yeah, that should mix well with all the biker scum on meth who show up to support Herr Weasel.

      • cousin itt

        Especially the ones on fixies.

    • arglebargle

      Big wheel keep on turning…

  • Indiepalin

    The RNC isn’t getting enough credit for booking Journey, without Steve Perry no less, for only $750,000. They had a chance to get Journey w/ Perry but balked at the fee, which was said to be $3,500.

    • FlownOver

      Don’t Start Believing

    • calliecallie

      Perry balked at the fee, or at the politics? I need to know, because this is my ring tone, and maybe I need to change it to something more Democrat.

  • cousin itt

    To host a show like this year’s GOP con, Cleveland’s gonna need moar booze and hookers or the place will Chernobyl.

    • Treg.Brown

      Rent Boys BLASPHEMY!!!

    • SeeTrain65

      Drink all you want. We’ll make more.

    • malsperanza

      Having lived through the 2004 GOP convention in NYC, I can tell you that moar hookers and booze is pretty much what those events are all about. Party of Family Values out on the town without the wife and kids.

  • SexySmurf

    “Donald J. Trump is the Republican Party’s nominee, But he will not be my nominee and I will not attend a convention celebrating his candidacy.”

    But he’s going to make America great again; it says so on his hat.

    • FlownOver

      You see the snag is… if I now call America and say, “look here, I’ve got a sixty-nine-year-old delusional self-promoter with me who wants to become President,” the first question is not going to be “does he have his own hat?”

      • Blank Ron

        <golf clap>

    • bobbert

      Nice rememberance.

  • BearGHAZI

    Big corporations regularly donate massively to both party conventions? Gross

    • eddi

      Product placement during the broadcasts is a big deal. Which is why they are backing down on the Rebs. Trump Cola for everybody.

      • eliamias

        Maybe the GOP can use this to their advantage: I have here several pallets of coca-cola that I’m going to stack on stage, right in front of the camera… unless you’d like to make a contribution?

        • eddi

          That is so evil. Are you sure you’re not a Republican?

          • eliamias

            I’m Canadian so I’m precluded from that.

            And no Cruz jokes. He’s alien (as in interstellar) so he doesn’t count.

      • FlownOver

        The mandatory Squirt™-guzzling sessions will begin shortly.

        • Boscoe

    • SnarkOff

      Yet this year they’re only paying for Hillary. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

  • Joe Beese

    Can’t wait for Rubio’s “Let’s all vote for Donald” speech.

  • CapnFatback

    Cleveland just didn’t have its shit together to handle 50,000 preppers, zealots, spoiled Brobots, and grumpy old white men hanging off the Trump-train.

    Yeah, well, they can’t all be 12-year-old African American children playing with BB guns.

    • FlownOver

      We might want to start a BB gun Kickstarter for them, though. Just to be hospitable.

  • data_ninja

    Look, this is good news and all for North East Ohio, but the REAL news is from North West Ohio: Joe the Plumber is endorsing Trump!

    Yes, you too can be magically thrust into the limelight of politics and fight for 8 long years to hold onto any shred of fame, grift and delusions that you feel entitled to! It was your destiny after all, that’s why it happened to you, you precious little snowflake!

  • Jonny On Maui

    Suppose you had a convention and no one showed up…

  • John Iwaniszek

    Wait. Larry Hogan is a doctor?

    • The Wanderer

      I think the “MD” meant “Maryland.”

      • Msgr_Moment

        Doogie Howser was from Maryland?

    • dslindc

      I thought that too at first . . . and live next to Maryland.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      and he was good as Crocodile Dundee too!

    • Hogan is the Gov. of Maryland, a state that only flips red when everyone in Montgomery and Prince Georges County forgets to vote, and you promise the Eastern Shore to repeal the unfortunately named, “Rain Tax”, that was designed to help the farmers who hated it.

      Thanks, O’Malley!
      http://i0.wp.com/freedompost.us/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Screen-Shot-2015-08-05-at-9.10.45-PM.png?resize=350%2C200

      • theblackdog

        We didn’t forget to vote. Anthony Brown just sucked as a candidate and it didn’t help that he wanted to basically just continue all of the policies that O’Malley put in place like not raising income tax but raising fees on everything under the sun.

        The worst part is now Brown is going to be running in November for Donna Edward’s old seat in the US House because PG county voted for him on name recognition even though lots of others were endorsing his primary challenger, Joseline Pena-Melaynek

  • The Wanderer

    Wow.
    Just. Fucking. Wow.
    They’re going to have to find new camera angles (don’t want anyone dwelling on those empty seats).

    • BigBoppa

      Roger Ailes has plenty of professional beaver shooters to work as seat fillers.

  • Nounverb911

    When does Midge season start?

  • John Iwaniszek

    who will weep for Cleveland’s hooker-americans?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Any hooker who’d knowingly bang a Republican should have to be sent to a reeducation camp afterward.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Now now. How many $s for how many seconds of effort?

    • Skwerl King

      I’m sure Trump won’t let them bring in Eastern European trafficked escorts, so they will have plenty of flaccid GOP weeenie to fluff. Now I shall go do penance for forcing that image into your heads.

  • Joshua Norton

    Maybe they can borrow a few security guards from the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Maybe the Hell’s Angels are free . . . .

      • say wha

        …or the Ohio National Guard

        • Jonny On Maui

          Yeah, we need more folk songs fueled by dead protesters.

          with apologies to CSNY…

        • Nounverb911

          I got accepted to Kent State a couple of weeks before the shooting…. Didn’t go.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I have realized, over the years, that if you turn the sound off on your teevee, the scary shit isn’t scary any more; horror movies rely heavily on sudden, loud noises and eerie music to frighten us. I’m hoping this works with GOP Cleveland Conventions as well, as the thought of listening to people praising Trumpf and his own bloated, stream-of-conscious bullshit makes my innards seize up.

    • The Wanderer

      I want to see the Bad Lip-Reading version.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Oooh, me too!!!

        • The Wanderer

          Hell, I might try my own talents at Bad Lip Reading, or maybe MST3K it.

          • theblackdog

            There needs to be some kind of Wonkette Comments (which are not allowed here) MST3K thread for the convention

          • FlownOver

            So let it be written… so let it be done.

          • Blank Ron

            It’s tough but fun to do it live and ad lib. Back when I was capable of staying awake past 11PM I used to do it online with a group of like-minded souls. GREAT fun. Consider this a vote for the idea!

  • ClarkJoe

    No need for corporate sponsors since Trump is totally, for real, legitimately going to pay for the convention out-of-pocket. It is going to be so goddamn luxurious, delegates will be puking up Trump Steaks for weeks after.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      He’ll finance it by donating a few rounds of Trumpf golf.

      • ClarkJoe

        Is it too late to move the convention to Mar-a-Lago?

        • Nounverb911

          Well it is hurricane season, so no.

          • eddi

            The entire convention swept out to sea… one can only dream.

  • SnarkOff

    Fox or the CW should foot the bill for the whole thing, allow only its cameras in and around the convention center, film the entire four days, slice it up into 60-minute segments, and air it as a reality show. Loser gets shot with a legally purchased semiautomatic weapon. Winner gets to ruin America.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Shot with votes, obvs. But I like the way you think!

    • There’s an “Arrow” joke in here somewhere…

    • Billy Rubin

      “…Wnner gets to lose to Hillary Clinton”, FIFY

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    No statement yet from Clint Eastwood’s Chair?

    • ClarkJoe

      Clint Eastwood’s Chair is busy polishing its bolts.

      This year’s convention will instead feature Drew Carey debating a corned beef sandwich.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Damn it. I can only think of 4 people associated with Cleveland. Three have now been mentioned, and the other one is Tamir Rice. Commenting on this convention is gonna suck.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          Their river caught on fire, that one time.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            And now that joke is right out the window. That was my fail-safe.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            Oh, sorry! Been having a problem with premature postings lately. Must be my age.

        • ClarkJoe

          You can always revert to referencing former contestants of the Apprentice. Omarosa is going to give one hell of a keynote address. Meatloaf’s 20-minute long rendition of the National Anthem is going to bring down the house.

        • Blueb4sunrise
        • calliecallie

          Hot in Cleveland? Valerie Bertinelli? And the British babe from Frasier. And the tall one from that other show. That’s all I got.

    • CapnFatback

      Make “Armchair-ica great again!”

    • Astraea

      It was last seen threatening Democrats in Nevada

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That chair could be Kristol’s second fallback candidate.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        At least people who don’t read the National Review have heard of it.

  • say wha

    Can’t find enough security forces? Too bad there are no well-regulated militias available.

    • eddi

      Plenty of militias. The well-regulated part may need more work though.

  • MrBlobfish

    Just post a coupla Black Panthers by the door. White people will be petrified.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      That would present a bit of a problem at a GOP convention, I should think . . .

      • anwisok

        Panthers prolly gonna be there anyway.

    • My daddy tells me that one time the Rolling Stoners used the Hecks Angels for security a concert at Altoids and everything was just peachy-keene!

      • MrBlobfish

        Your daddy is high as fuck.

        • He tells me that anyone who remembers Woodstock is a goddamn liar. (True story)

          • Jonny On Maui

            Well, I was a bit hazy until I saw the movie…

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Clusterfuck and Shitshow…worst buddy series ever.

    • SnarkOff

      Those are my dogs’ names.

    • SeeTrain65

      That’s my name for O’Reilly and Hannity.

  • AngryKatie

    Please let them be forced to hire rent-a-cops.

    • anwisok

      Well, they’d need some of them, anyway. Hey! Maybe they can get the Hell’s Angels to do security!

      • eddi

        They like Trump and they like getting away with busting heads. This one will be a freebie for them.

    • The Wanderer

      They’ll hire Academi, the mercenary company that used to be Bilgewater – er, Blackwater.

      • theblackdog

        I thought they renamed to Xe. What happened to that?

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          It was too chi-chi for them.

        • eddi

          People looked them up on the Internet.

        • PubOption

          Xe is a noble gas. The name rejected them.

        • The Wanderer

          They did, then re-renamed to Academi.

          • arglebargle

            Do they dot the “I” with a little heart?

          • FlownOver

            Nope. Bullet hole.

          • theblackdog

            Wonder what innocents they killed that prompted that name change.

      • AngryKatie

        That was my I initial thought, but I like the idea of cop wannabes with a chip on their shoulder, and a starting assumption that anyone not old and white is a likely “enemy,” better.

    • FlownOver

      At long last, the Republican job creation plan.

  • anwisok

    Whenever someone asks, “What could go wrong?,” you *know* shit’s about to get REAL. Every. Fucking. Time.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …speaking of “losing sponsors”, it was announced that Trumpenstein has lost the WGC PGA tour event from his Doral golf club because of his rhetoric. It has been relocated to MEXICO CITY. That I some serious shade that the PGA is throwing. I always wondered at which point will the venom he is spewing begin to affect him financially

  • MarkM

    Pfffft! Balloons, confetti, ptui! That’s not a convention – THIS is a convention!

    • eddi

      Reb’s in 2020. Trump of the Will: The Second Try.

      • Boscoe

        LOL 3rd Reich Part 2: The Trumpening.

    • PubOption

      But then the convention will have to move to a small town in Pennsylvania.
      http://www.usa.com/nuremberg-pa.htm

    • Angela Ruzzo

      How about this?

      • MarkM

        Lucas definitely owes a debt to Leni Riefenstahl

        • therblig

          Of the Will, Triumph

        • Blank Ron

          Always steal from the best!

  • Enfant Terrible

    So I guess either Stephen Curry or LeBron James just better take over and win the finals for their teams 4-0. Otherwise, CHAOS!!!

    • SPORTS! GO SPORTS!

      • therblig

        Participants are heroes!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Uh, yeah. Otherwise.

    • SeeTrain65

      The NBA would just fucking luuuuuuuuuuv that.

  • cousin itt

    I can’t wait for the Westboro Baptist Church to protest that abortion of a convention.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Well, if Lindsey Graham isn’t going, then neither am I!

    *flounces out of room, dramatically*

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      “As goes Graham, so goes the nation.”
      (It’s more dramatic if you hear it in Walter Cronkite’s voice.)

      • Enfant Terrible

        Never forget, soldiers, sailors, air men… Senator Lindsey has your back!

        https://youtu.be/fUhl_QAk6mY

        • MarkM

          Oooooooh! I’ll scratch your eyes out, two three!

          • H0mer0

            dress right, dress!

    • MarkM

      NOBODY flounces like Lindsey!

      • Boscoe

        He learned everything he knows about flouncing from Marcus Bachmann…

  • theblackdog

    At least the Dems were smart enough to have theirs in Philadelphia. Even if it becomes a shitshow over there no one in Philly will notice the difference.

    • Nounverb911

      The riots will take place over at the competing Cheese Steak places….

    • Heck, Philly’s got lots of practice dealing with rowdy, out of control mobs. Eagles games, Flyers games, Phillies games…. about the only thing that doesn’t are the 76’ers games.

    • Snopes Shop

      I resemble the remark.

    • therblig

      for practice, hillary can go to the mutter museum and debate the 9 foot mega-colon.

      • H0mer0

        It never ends well

  • Enfant Terrible

    When Trump’s nomination was still in doubt, I was stocking up on popcorn. Looks like I’ll get to put it to good use after all. Even with the heavy drinking it will take to not tune away to a Giants game.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    The RNC should start looking for new sponsors. I hear Alcoa’s been getting “Do you like me? Check yes or no” letters from their voters for some time.

    • Nounverb911

      ..

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I am SO GLAD someone got that! Whew!

      • Serai 1

        I thought tinfoil was the default choice?

        • Zhu Bajie

          Just remember to ground your tinfoil hat

    • JMP

      Trump University, Trump Vodka, Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines…

      • Msgr_Moment

        Trump Security Rent-a-Cops?

  • Scooby

    I heard Hells Angels are available for security.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      That approaches the level of an oxymoron.

  • JMP

    At least the Democrats never have to worry about the 76ers making it to the championships. In fact, I have learned a lot about sports since moving from Philadelphia to the Bay Area – apparently all the leagues have series of games they call “playoffs” that teams with winning records can get into, and they lead up to a thing called championships. It’s something I remember my parents telling me about, claiming championships were something that actually happened when they were young, but I always thought they were just a myth until moving.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I grew up not far from Cincinnati (Bengals, Reds) so I hear ya. The last time the Reds were in the World of Just America and a few Canadians Series, I think Jeebus was in grammar school.

      • nmmagyar

        Marge Schott Libel!!!!

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          Wait. Are you defending Marge Schott? Because if you are . . .

          • nmmagyar

            She was a horrid human being, but kind of fun to watch, in a morbid fascination way

          • Lark_in_the_AM

            Especially when she made Pete Rose rub dog hair on his uniform and scatter it around the club house, because her slobbery St. Bernards were good luck, fer sure.

        • BigBoppa

          I seem to recall that she was often referred to as Marge (she aughta be) Schott.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            Eric Davis had an alternate name for her. I guess he got tired of stepping in dogshit in the outfield.

    • Hairstrike Alpha

      The Phillies and the Eagles want to hear talk of these “winning records” and “playoffs” that you speak of…it sounds like hearsay to them.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        The Eagles should ask Andy Reid.

    • arglebargle

      The two pro football teams in Pennsylvania have won a combined six Lombardi trophy’s.

      • Hairstrike Alpha

        Nice of you to include the Eagles in that number to make it seem like more than one team won all of those…

        • arglebargle

          Just trying to ease the man’s pain. I work with a bunch of Philadelphia fans so I have a lot of practice.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Those two year championship droughts can be a bitch.

  • Mpeg

    They probably can’t even figure which reverendy-chaplain type to open in prayer and get ’em inspired. I wouldn’t mind more opportunity to poke fun at the Pastor of Saddle-Crack Church but he did the invocation for Bamz’s inauguration so he’s probably considered ‘tainted’~

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Ooooh, you just gave me an idea – of selling The Flying Spaghetti Monster t-shirts outside the center, which is guaranteed to be a flop, then I get a YOOOGE business tax write-off next year. Isn’t that how Trump gets rich?

  • therblig

    another no show

  • Donkey Option

    Okay, so, I’d say that we democrats had better be better than the republicans on this – no matter who wins. Then I remember that most of the people threatening to riot aren’t really democrats (thus why they’re complaining about being disenfranchised) and I’m wondering – why are we going to get blamed for crazy people who aren’t even democrats? Why are they (the media I guess) going to paint us in a “the democrats do it too” brush when it won’t even be registered democrats being assholes? It’s not fair :(

    • MarkM

      They just want to be fair, don’cha know.

    • malsperanza

      Because the Dems step on their dicks over this shit every. damn. time. It’s just how we roll.

  • handyhippie65

    i just want to affirm that i will not be attending the GOP convention as well. because i use my head for more than a hat rack, and don’t vote for the GTOP.

  • OddMan

    LIVE! NUDES! HERE!
    I certainly hope that the art show still goes on as planned.

    An artist known for his large-scale nude photo shoots is planning to make a splashy return to Cleveland at this summer’s Republican National Convention.

    Spencer Tunick, of New York, is looking for 100 women to pose nude while holding mirrors in Cleveland at sunrise on July 17, the week of the GOP convention.

    http://www.cleveland.com/rnc-2016/index.ssf/2016/05/artist_organizing_mass_photo_s.html

  • MarkM

    I was so hoping for a brokered convention…but still…

  • Panika MCD

    of course the other jurisdictions are keeping their boys in blue at home. all the garden variety wackos are staying home and do you have any idea how many people it takes to subdue Sen. Lindsay Graham when he starts throwing things at the TVs in Sears because he doesn’t like the programming?

  • Logic of Color

    “…the stink of shit and teagas” yeah I thought I read that correctly

    • arglebargle

      Too much doritos and bud lime will do that to you. It’s gonna be a tea partay.

      • Billy Rubin

        Considering the old white guy demographics, it’ll be a lemon party.

  • Robin

    I can’t wait to see the GOP do what the Cuyahoga river fire failed at.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Oooh. . . bad visuals!

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Coca-Cola won’t be funding them but Fanta, smelling a familiar scent of history in the air is offering $1 million dollars!

    • Randy Riddle

      Did someone say …. Fanta?!?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F614uU3DsqM

      • Objectifer

        Suddenly…I wanna Fanta.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Fanta-size me!

    • The Wanderer

      What about reaching out to a foreign company, like Orangina?
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BKOC4zaB6I

      • Lark_in_the_AM

        That was hallucinatory.

        • The Wanderer

          Kind of makes you wonder about the French.

          • Beaumarchais?

            Not any more!

      • Blank Ron

        That’s almost enough to make me bat for the other team <happy sigh>

  • ContextIsKey

    I was planning to attend and sell a bunch of “Make America Great Again” t-shirts, but I think I’ll head down to the military surplus store and load up on CS gas canisters and gas masks. The demonstrators and conventioneers will go wild for that stuff, and it’ll make for a more interesting convention experience.

    • BigBoppa

      Hey. I was thinking of hawking Depends with ‘Make America Continent Again’ printed on the back. Want to share a kiosk?

      • ContextIsKey

        OK, that might work. I imagine a lot of the delegates are going to have trouble with your message, since America already is a continent, and in fact it’s the Greatest continent.

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Donald Trump is a walking Cuyahoga river fire himself so I understand why Cleveland is scared of this…

    • Beaumarchais?

      Well, hairspray IS flammable…

  • sqjchurch

    Governor John Kasich will be “unfortunately detained” all week ….in Aruba.

    • Rick Hill

      Can we get a fundraiser going to keep him there?

  • Hairstrike Alpha

    Will there be protests? Oh you bet your ASS there will be protests. Will there be cops? More or less, though I doubt Timothy Loehmann will be allowed anywhere near the place. Should we be worried? Only for the protestors because fuck that amalgamation of racist pricks, Alex Jones nuts, white supremacists and stodgy old white assholes inside. Yes, yes I know they all Venn but you still have to separate them into groups, it’s bad science not to do so!

  • natoslug

    Coca Cola is wimping out? This is great news for Pepsi! Finally, somewhere to unload the metric fucktons of Crystal Pepsi they’ve been hoarding!

    • The Weekly Standard bought rights, it’ll be “Kristol Pepsi”.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Isn’t unloading Crystal Pepsi a Crime Against Humanity?

  • CJTX

    “you wouldn’t want to have to pay the medical bills of cops injured in the line of duty. So much for #BlueLivesMatter!”

    The bald faced hypocrisy is just stunning.

    • WomanComingHome

      Stunning, but not surprising sad to say.

      • AlasAnAss

        As they treat veterans, so they treat cops and firefighters.

        • WomanComingHome

          The Republican party of today does seem to be made up of truly awful people.

          • Blank Ron

            They’ve worked hard for that distinction. We should let them enjoy it.

          • AlasAnAss

            That whole “betters angels of our nature” stuff from Lincoln seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle somehow.

            Of course, I can remember when the Democrats were truly a party of working class people, so yeah, they’ve wandered a bit as well. Also, I am an old if that’s the case.

            So there you have it. I am old and the Democrats want you to pee where you need to and have ‘bortions when you need to, but the corporate onslaught continues unabated (hell, helped along) by them too.

          • WomanComingHome

            I’m an old as well, and it still shocks me how reprehensible these people are. I actually know several people who call themselves republicans and they are decent folks. This whole election has been a nightmare for them (excuse me while I wipe away a tear). Everything that they have ignored has risen up in their faces. All the dog whistles they pretended not to hear are blowing pretty damn loud. There is no deniability anymore, and suddenly the mirror is very damn clear.

  • CJTX

    “military-style equipment” and “personal protective gear”

    Pfft…that stuff is only for leftists and people of color.

  • natoslug

    Hey GOP — you built that!

  • calliecallie

    Just send in the Ohio National Guard. I hear they’ve got experience.

    • BMW

      With votes.

    • Suse

      Tin soldiers and Trump are coming,

      We’re finally on our own.

      This summer I hear the drumming,

      Four dead in Ohio.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      Bite your tongue. Those are painful memories for some of us.

      • calliecallie

        I know. I’m sorry.

    • malsperanza

      Ouch.

  • Rick Hill

    The party with all the monies is going to be a lean affair? I also wonder how much lining up behind Turnip there will be, after everyone notices that even the sale of ten foot poles is down.

    • Courser

      I’ll bet ‘ol Boner won’t be anywhere within miles of that place! He got his Pope-fix and got out. Besides, he did that video with Barry Bamz, they’d tear him to pieces.

      • Beaumarchais?

        I have to say, that Bamz vid softened my “intense dislike” of him.

  • Ranina

    Is John Boehner attending? He is an Ohioan…Will Mich gov Snyder cross the border and give a rousing inspirational speech on How to Run a Government like a Business?

    • Snyder’s bringing bottled water for everyone…

    • therblig

      “LEADership is Elemental”

  • Blackest Noobs

    i hear tickets for the GOP convention are going for dirt cheap!

    since you know no one who is anybody in the GOP really wants to go.

    so let’s buy a bunch of tickets, and let’s march in there with our firearms ( I can provide some flintlocks but we’ll have to return them to Mr.Spielberg’s studio)…and yes i know they don’t allow for guns there, but gosh darn it, i’m American, and the 2nd amendment trumps over all other rules, laws, or whatevers.

    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! at the GOP convention.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      How about water pistols loaded with transgender urine?

  • Playonwords

    GOP Convention Cleveland …

    … or as I like to call it the (do not Google) Cleveland Steamer

  • fawkedifiknow

    Tamir Rice’s family sends word that Tamir can’t be there to lend support to the Cleveland P.D.

  • Marceline

    As a resident of Cleveland who works inside the event zone, I’ll do my best to keep you guys entertained with reports from the ground.

    • arglebargle

      I hope you have a well stocked bunker.

    • nightmoth

      Please do! Also, any pictures you take will probably be more fun
      than People of WallMart.

    • Doug Langley

      We’ll understand if you have to flee town.

      • Marceline

        Nope. I had originally planned to but then I decided I’m not going to sit in a hotel room and watch the GOP tear my city to pieces.

        • MarkM

          I applaud your courage.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Need anything? Gas mask, bullet-proof undies, rations, ticket out of town?

        • malsperanza

          Damn straight! Buy popcorn, and if the fuckers* light your city on fire, have marshmallows on hand.

          *Including any progressives who think burning cars and smashing windows are a good way to express their dislike of the GOP.

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      Howdy, neighbor! ?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Thank you and stay safe.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I courteously and seriously ask you to reconsider. If they told you a hurricane was coming, would you not evacuate? This convention could be the political equivalent of a hurricane. Take advice from a Katrina victim – EVACUATE!

      • SadDemInTex

        I agree with Angela….get out of town and make sure your home insurance is rock solid…take pets and important papers.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Also family photos. I didn’t do that before Katrina and lost them all. Also your computer. Don’t forget the kids.

    • Cranky Man

      I’ll loan you this. It’s called a Brownback removal tool. Banana not included, it’s just to provide scale.

    • Zhu Bajie

      I’m sure that open container, open carry, will liven things up!

    • phoenix00

      Advice: wear kevlar vest.

  • whitroth

    Sorry, but that’s a wrong statement about science fiction conventions. Let’s see, I just spent Memorial Day weekend working the 50th Baltimore Science Fiction Convention, with probably upwards of 2500 bodies. No cops, we have our own security on top of hotel security, ->ALL VOLUNTEERS<-, nobody gets paid.

    No problems. But then, we're mostly civilized…..

    PS, none of our guests of honor got paid, other than transportation, hotel room, and food, and that includes George RR (Game of Thrones) Martin….

  • Ryan Denniston

    I got two words for the RNC. Bootstraps!

  • AnOuthouse

    Look Out Cleveland the storm is comin’ through
    And it’s runnin’ right up on you
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRTuarR_SmE

    • Notreelyhelping

      I think about the convention every time I hear this song. It’s awesome. And they’ll leave the convention playing “This Wheel’s on Fire.”

      • malsperanza

        They’ll leave the convention playing the funeral march from Götterdämmerung.

        • Bear OmNomNom

          Elsa’s Procession to the Cathedral. Or, given that this is Trump, Ilse Koch’s.

        • Bear OmNomNom

          You know who ELSE liked Wagner?

          • malsperanza

            Robert Moses?

          • Bear OmNomNom

            Gawd, I wish I could upfist that about eleventy-hundred times.

          • malsperanza

            Damn, I didn’t think anyone would get that one.

          • Jason Freeman

            Hahaha. I do. Trump is just AH rebooted.

  • Fartknocker

    I sincerely hope that Microsoft’s support includes a free and unauthorized loading of that shit Windows 10 software – while they are voting.

  • Lark_in_the_AM

    Cleveland is being some cheap-shits and
    declining to pay for necessary medical check-ups for visiting officers,
    as well as workers compensation claims

    We are NOT cheap – we are broke, thanks in part to the money we’ve had to pour into sprucing up the city for this delightful event, plus the police settlements that city has had to pay out lately (*cough*Tamir Rice*cough*), and also, too, thanks our goddamned governor John Kasich (R-Delusional) stripping revenue from the city budgets with tax cuts that we can’t possibly make up. The RNC was supposed to help remedy that, and bring all these people – press, support people, volunteers (except for the Oafkeepers – we don’t want those), party officials and delegates, etc. etc.- who were supposed to be big spenders, pumping their ill-gotten corporate dirty dollars back into our economy. And then The Donald had to go and spoil it. And I won’t even get to have the Wonkette Babby™ as compensation (hope your dad’s doing better, Shy). Pffffffffft.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Sorry, but the economic reality or the last few conventions has been that all those Bible Belters, Corn and Grain Growers, Loonytarian and TeaPotty crazies arrive for the Rethug convention with a $100 bill in their wallet and clean underwear in their suitcase and they leave without changing either.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Hooker and stripper libel!

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Is that called Tinkle Down Economics?

        • Bear OmNomNom

          It’s the GOPee!

      • Fartknocker

        Kind of like when the Southern Baptists had a convention in San Antonio. They mayor told the press that they brought the 10 Commandments and $10 and didn’t break either of them.

      • phoenix00

        Hence shitty tippers

        • Bear OmNomNom

          Just like their feelings on LGBT people, they think 10% is way too much.

    • jmhm

      Aw, bless ’em. The Bloomberg convention turned out to cost many times what it brought in. Turns out Republicans don’t like partying around the Urbans.Tom DeLay actually tried to hire a cruise ship so they wouldn’t have to see us at all.

    • Astraea

      Rich republicans don’t pay for anything. They’re too used to getting a free ride from the tax payers.

    • malsperanza

      The last two GOP party platforms literally did not mentioncities. Not one word. (Except a passing reference to urban crime in Washington DC.)

      Time for cities to rise up, Springsteen style, and start shouting.

  • Pat_Pending

    WWWCD? (What Would Walter Cronkite Do?)

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      Weep.

    • MarkM

      Projectile vomit all over Reince Priebus?

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I was just thinking “What would Ghandi do?” I’d love to see a debate between Trump and Ghandi.

      • willi0000000

        Mohandas Ghandi would dope slap t’Rump and walk out.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          Why do I ALWAYS misspell Gandhi??? I do it every time.

  • “a gathering of animal costume fetishists…”

    • theblackdog

      Does getting hate fucked actually count?

      Actually the few Republican furries I know made themselves pariahs in the community after their comments about transgender people.

      • The Wanderer

        That’s what I’m seeing as well.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Amazing that people who dress up as animals would have issues with transgender people.
        Jealous bitches.

        • Blank Ron

          It is, thankfully, a tiny minority. Historically being TG is quite accepted – when you’re a bit confused about your species, gender is kind of a minor matter. <grins>

        • theblackdog

          Well one of them grew up in bumfuck Illinois and I suspect that he’s one of those self-haters that scrubs himself off in a shower while trying to pray the gay away.

    • The Wanderer

      Please. Democrats get more sex – when did you hear of anyone getting a piece of elephant?

      • therblig

        they like a little junk in the trunk

      • I’m sure there’s fetish art for that kind of thing… if you want. Ass on Elephantploitation

      • willi0000000

        you can’t have sex with an elephant . . . the best you can do is have sex at an elephant.

    • Blank Ron

      The artwork’s as poor as the blatant falsehood is obvious.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Golden State should be able to help them with getting an earlier start on the planning.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      From your lips to the FSM’s ears, pretty please with a meatball on top.

  • If a human falls into the republican national convention will the police have to start killing all the trumpanzees to save it?

    • MarkM

      That is an excellent question!

  • Jenny

    No worries, Austin is sending its SWAT. They live for beating up blacks, mexicans, white girls, and liberals. Just ask the DOJ. You’re in good hands Cleveland!

    • Panika MCD

      ummm…no. there is a problem with all the people who were trained by Mr. De-escalation Is A Funny Yoke!, but APD is pretty good most of the time and has a much lower incident rate than other large cities. Wilco is a whole other story.

      • Jenny

        Most of the time. Actually their SWAT is the least insane part of the department. Willco won’t have their SWAT trained in time. They’ll have to wait until 2020.

        • Panika MCD

          but they can pay for it with all the marijawanna fines they’re giving people driving through.

    • “Austin is sending its SWAT.”

      Will they be on bicycles too? Tandem bikes, perhaps?

      • Jenny

        Boy I hope so! I rarely get to see the APD bikes, mostly Texas State Troopers on bikes where I spend most of my days.

  • Lark_in_the_AM

    the Cavaliers made it into NBA finals!
    Since the convention takes six weeks to prepare, and the finals won’t be
    over until four weeks before the convention starts

    Um . . . about that? Well, there’s this thing you need to know about Cleveland sports teams. They are cursed. Remember, this is the city whose baseball team lost a World Series they were literally 1 pitch away from winning. That lost our football team to freakin’ Baltimore in the dead of night (why didn’t they just steal back the Dolts if they were that intent on screwing someone else the way they’d been screwed?) and the replacement franchise team has done nothing but suck ever since. That has had the best player in the sport on the basketball team since 2003 (forget those 4 years he went AWOL) and still haven’t brought home the championship. I’m guessing that the Cavaliers will do one of two things – either lose in 4 straight (giving the city plenty of time to set up the RNC), or they will go down to the wire and lose, in the grandest Cleveland Tradition, at the very last possible moment. Then the city will be too heartbroken to give a fuck about the RNC anyway.

    • Yey…Go team?

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      “*ahem*”
      –Steph Curry

    • Blank Ron

      Not to twist the knife, but I did notice that as soon as said sportsball team moved to Baltimore, they started doing rather well. Part of the curse?

      • Lark_in_the_AM

        Has to be. They were Team Mediocre before they left.

  • anna rampage

    I still don;t understand why people cannot exercise their right granted by the second amendment and take firearms into the convention, or the NRA headquarters for that matter….

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Great photo, Dominic. I laughed so loud the cats woke up. Then I got to the bit about Microsoft. I think it would be SO COOL if Microsoft refused to help at all, and ditto for Apple, and the GOP had to go out and hire some Linux Admins to run the show.

    • hendenburg2

      nah, Linux Admins are all libertarians. Doubt the RNC knows how to pay in BitCoin yet.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Yeah, that’s what would be so cool about it. Maybe they could track down some OS2 Admins.

      • phoenix00

        I thought they were all Communist.

        Citation: Richard Stallman

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Kriegerrands, perhaps?

    • Aww, poor kitty! Thank you! I will give you super special rare kitty in a stroller that I found on Saturday.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        You’re welcome. Alas! I am already swimming in cat hair. If only I could find a way to recycle this stuff in some productive way. I would love to see a cat-hair powered car one day.

  • Msgr_Moment

    So, what if they threw a convention, and no delegates showed?

    President Gilmore anyone?

    • revenant

      you mean, “President Who?”

      • Panika MCD

        I’d vote for the Doctor, but he was born on Gallifrey so he’s ineligible.

        • Skadi

          I’m sure he could grandfather himself in by retroactively applying for citizenship before the Constitution was ratified.

          • Panika MCD

            that wouldn’t work because all the presidents’ families came over earlier to give birth to them on this side of the pond.

          • Panika MCD

            US military installation on Gallifrey could be erected around where he was born before he was, that’d count.

        • Doug Langley

          But if he regenerates in Kansas, does that make him naturally born?

          • Panika MCD

            if Dorothy becomes BRONED AGAIN in the Emerald City is she no longer eligible for FEMA assistance?

          • therblig

            yes, but abysmal at governing

    • Serai 1
  • m3bosha

    My apologies to those of the Cleveland who are not douchy repubs… but I heart this so much.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM

    • Webster

      Wow! Obviously they’ve put a beautification program in place since I was there…

  • Graeme Murray

    The Quicken Loans Arena is the perfect venue for the coronation of the great and powerful Trump, blessed be his name..

    • Lark_in_the_AM

      Actually, it will be in the new convention center downtown, which is very nice, but what they’ll ever use it for again is a mystery.

      • alpacapunchbowl

        One of those buildings the fire department burns down so the firefighters can practice?

      • Left Coast Tom

        Is it designed so they can eventually vent out the tear gas?

        • Lark_in_the_AM

          Right into the adjacent Hilton.

  • Iron Monkey

    In recently weeks, I have spoken with Police Administrators who have experience in planning for an event of this magnitude

    Probably not the correct usage in a newspaper but I would bet the reporter could hear this guy say “police administrators” with initial caps.

  • Emmeran

    Looking forward to a Bernie win and our first non-denominational Presidential Election.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What color is the sky in your world?

      • Jenny

        Not even an entertaining troll.

      • MarkM

        Depends on how long it’s been since he smoked his last bowl.

    • Panika MCD

      the first non-denominational presidential election happened in 1789. I know Bernie’s older than dirt, but he did not invent this shit.

    • Bemused

      I think the idea of Bernie winning in Cleveland is fabulous. Bernie can have the Republican Nomination, Hillary the Democratic one and then there will be no horrible choices! Yay for Democracy!

  • Bill Slider

    There is always the National Guard, unless W sent them all to Iraq, then Congress said keep them there to Obama. Oh well, we have those nice motorcycle guys and the Second Amendment militia. What could possibly go wrong?

    • bupkus23

      “…those nice motorcycle guys…”

      Altamont?

  • Bill Slider

    Jesus will protect them, one and all.

  • Bill Slider

    I barely remember the 1960 riots from the 1960 Democratic Convention in Chicago. A do over would be nice with votes of course. That’s what conventions are for, votes.

    • The Wanderer

      I was 6 1/2 years old during the Death Year for the Chicago Convention, but I’ve seen much video of it. Daley calling Ribicoff a “dirty Jew,” Dan Rather getting roughed up on the floor, and a police riot outside that gave Humphrey a whiff of Mace.

      • malsperanza

        Contributed nicely to Nixon’s victory in November, running on a “law and order” platform. Thanks, Hizzoner!

      • My professors would not confirm, nor deny, that Humphrey was aroused by Mace.

  • Zhu Bajie

    They can always get the Ohio National Guard to help….

    • beatbort

      Just tell them it’s Kunt State.
      And I use that word in a non-sexist manner…

      • Bear OmNomNom

        Orange head in O-hi-o…

  • malsperanza

    I feel bad for Cleveland. I even feel bad for the cops there. This is really fugly shit.

    And yeah: Philly not gonna be fun either, what with the Bern-It-Downers in all their Whiteitude screeching about fairness in a majority black city that voted for Clinton 63% to 37%.

    • Yes, Bernie is indeed a KKK mole, while as we all know Hillz has always been the superpredators cullud folks’ best friend.

  • bupkus23

    Supposedly, W.C.Fields epitaph:

    “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia”

    [ I also suspect it’s already been Wonke-quoted somewhere below, but I’m late to the party… ]

    • snark-lurker

      “… rather be –living–in etc.” r.e.the Oxford Dictionary if Quotations.

      • bupkus23

        That’s why I said “supposedly” ;-)

  • chascates

    I think the prudent thing would be for everyone to stay away.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMWMq4AEyjU

    • Bear OmNomNom

      ODESSA is definitely the word for that convention. Stille Hilfe, also too.

      • chascates

        Yikes! Stille Hilfe is nasty piece of work and still at it, according to my googling.

  • phoenix00

    > Microsoft will provide only software and technical assistance

    And we have to pay $100 for Windows and $250 for Office. And shitty tech support.

  • Zhu Bajie

    No surprise that Cinci refuses to help Cleveland.

    • Pardon my ignorance, but can you explain?

      • Zhu Bajie

        Cincinnati and Cleveland are enormous rivals.

  • malsperanza
  • Ducksworthy

    So is it true that the Oakland Chapter of the Hell’s Angels will be providing extra security at the RNC convention/klaven?

    • Bear OmNomNom

      An Altamont for the ultramontanists.

      • OppressedMass

        Awww, I wish I said that…

    • badphairy

      The Hell’s Angels have too much pride to defend the RNC.

  • harryeagar

    Oh, I dunno. Both Chicago and Miami have set some mighty low standards that even Trump-O-Rama will be pressed to underperform.

    I’m hoping to see Pigasus again

    • malsperanza

      I would say that this year the Yippies finally got their wish. Wavy Gravy is at the top of the GOP ticket.

      • therblig

        don’t take the orange acid, man

  • Bad Granny

    If’n it weren’t for the dang EPA, they coulda skipped the laser show and just set the river on fire. Libtarts ruin everything.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I can see why other police departments would want to avoid the inevitable and dangerous convention clusterfuck but they could provide much-needed help to surrounding police departments running sting operations targeting child molesters. The GOPedo delegates are going to be running wild and adult hookers just aren’t going to turn the trick, so to speak.

    • Jason Freeman

      Better shoot them before they can hurt the children.

  • HogeyeGrex

    And these people are asking to run actually important things and be in charge of the military and stuff.

    I’m sorry. If you can’t use a fork without eye protection, you don’t get to have the nuclear football. Fuck back off under your rock.

  • Jason Freeman

    Step right up…ladies and gentlemen….the world’s only talking orange. Witness the majesty of his grade school vocabulary! Watch as he pinches the air with his tiny fingers! No, no. Back away from the cage, ma’am. No flash photography, please! Now watch as he rages, while being quoted verbatim. Nothing like it anywhere else in the world, folks. An amazing spectacle!
    Shit, he’s behind me, isn’t he?

    • therblig

      it’s ok, his little hands won’t fit around your throat

      • Jason Freeman

        Thank heavens. There’s no telling what that rage monkey might have done.

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      Drumpf isn’t the only talking orange. Don’t forget Ohio native John Boehner (sadly, it’s not pronounced boner).

      • Panika MCD

        at least Boehner has more than one talent: being orange, being a sob factory…

        • John Smith

          And a likeable drunk (now that he’s retired).

  • kareemachan

    Well, if they’d just let them carry gunz around the convention like a real Murrican would want to do, everything would be hunky-dory!

    • dshwa

      Police themselves. What could go wrong?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Finally libertarians will have a chance to prove they were right all along!

  • dshwa

    If I was a tourism board guy, I’d be offering the locals of Cleveland all sorts of cheap deals that week. I imagine they’d jump at any deal to GTFO of town that week.

    • Webster

      I suspect they’d jump at any deal to get out of Cleveland any week…

  • AlasAnAss

    Just when you think things can’t get worse for Cleveland.

    Trigger Warning: Sportsball video approaching:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRBDMMVctu8

    • Panika MCD

      I’m not a spratsball fan, but that was hilarious.

    • Jukesgrrl

      One of the greatest sportsball videos of all time.

      • AlasAnAss

        Once again, and as always, Cleveland’s pain is our delectation.

  • Fly

    This convention is the conclusion of the great white RINO hunt.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      First they steal Piggy’s glasses, and now this. Blow the conch shell, see if that brings everyone to order.

  • 3FingerPete

    On what night of the convention is the RINO auto-de-fe?

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      All of them, Katie.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL
    • Ska music is the way to my heart!

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Ska’s not dead, just resting!

        • brucej

          OMG, I just discovered a new music genre to ingest. For some weird reason I had it in my head that ska was punk/new wave-influenced reggae not reggae’s ancestor. [gallops off to the download several gigabytes of ‘new’ music from iTunes]

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    You’d think a town named after cleavage would be more fun. Oh well.

    • therblig

      could ian hunter have lied to us?

    • JohnC44

      Take heed, I hear Moorhead MN lives up to its name.

      • Mr. Fusion

        There is a Climax MI. But it’s a small one.

  • TeeRaak

    A PGA event is abandoning the Trump-owned golf course where the event has been held for the past five decades to move to Mexico, reported the Miami Herald.
    https://media0.giphy.com/media/TZdp4Rv292uxa/200w_d.gif

    • Beaumarchais?

      They lost their corporate sponsors—dunno why. Trump is accusing them of putting profits ahead of American jobs, like when he outsourced his clothing to China.

      • Mr. Fusion

        Make America Great Again with a Made in China hat.

      • Ghenghis McCann

        ‘Don’t do as I do, do as I tell you.’

      • Jay Vaughn

        Did he try to establish a factory town named Merika

      • Gregory Brown

        They lost their sponsors after the sponsors heard Trump yelling about the Messican rapists and the Mooslins. So Trump actually caused the move to Messico, where they did have sponsors! Irony.

  • TeeRaak
    • Panika MCD

      Kim Jong-Il’s favorite band: the Jonas Brothers.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Up With People?

      • TeeRaak

        Up With Billionaires

  • berkeleyfarm

    There’s an NAACP convention AT THE SAME TIME? Was someone trying to throw Ohio into the R column by arranging some nice riots? Holy Mother of God!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      If the NAACP convention is in cinncinn, it should be ok. There is a LOT of Ohio between the two cities.

      • berkeleyfarm

        Thanks! I didn’t catch that. Yep!

  • brucej

    Heh, the old white guy talking to an empty chair is going to be EVERYONE! HAH!

    • Panika MCD

      they’re going to put Clint Eastwood on their prime time lineup again?

      • Mr. Fusion

        He was a hit with the rubes last time. This time, they might dig up ole John Wayne and put him in the chair. Then Clint could hide behind the chair and pretend he is John Wayne talking.

        • Panika MCD

          they should just put Bernie in the chair if he thinks he should get something in prime time without conceding the race until Wednesday night of the Democratic National Convention.

          • Gregory Brown

            Whoa!

  • willi0000000

    just one question . . . which koch brother has to pay the dollar bet on whether or not they could make t’Rump the candidate and which one collects?

    • JohnC44

      Pfft…dollar bet. I’d say a nickel at best with those stingy fucks. Unless you’re selling pure evil…then money is no object.

    • Stulexington

      I think it’s actually Bill who owes Donald the dollar.

  • Webster

    Good old Cleveland. I spent a decade there one weekend.

    ::shudder::

  • CATMAN

    The Cleveland City motto: At least we’re not Detroit!

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    Expect a three-day celebration of derp.

    • Panika MCD

      you’re thinking of the Westminster Dog Show.

    • Sedanka ✓

      In your Disqus name, is that Connie Hines of Mister Ed fame?

      • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

        It is. I often say that Wilbur had no reason to pay attention to a horse when he had the world’s hottest wife.

        • Suttree

          So my sister’s first husband was named Wilbur and my divorced mother was dating Ed. I have never had any reason to bring this up until now.

        • Sedanka ✓

          Best name I’ve seen in the system today. Compliments on your choice.

        • Gregory Brown

          My friend John had a filthy take on the show, with Wilbur and Mr. Ed engaged in a sado-masochistic relationship: “Ooooohhhh Wilburrrrrr! Use the spurrrs! Oooohhhhhhhhhh!”

  • Pongo

    This might be a good year to rethink the whole convention thing. They are an idiotic embarrassment–and that’s in ‘good’ years. Can’t this all be done online now or something?

    • Beaumarchais?

      The confetti gets stuck in the tubes.

      • Jay Vaughn

        I thought you could just fill up the dumptruck. . .

  • JohnC44

    All kidding aside, why is it that these cops are afraid of the Trump circus parade, and not those who stand against his rhetoric? Are we so milquetoast in their judgement we warrant no concern?

    The adults need to take the wheel and soon. We ought to consider sending a few hundred thousand highly irritated ambassadors to bring unity to the fragile body parts of the Trump sect and the local, union poured concrete. It’s only fair they get a good look at that craftsmanship.

    They act like this because they don’t respect us.

    They don’t respect us because they don’t fear us.

    -Something Machiavelli might have said

    • Mr. Fusion

      That and concealed carry. Damn liberals don’t believe in no fucking Second Amendment rights.

  • Lizzietish81

    Wow, I hope the Convention lets its members open carry in order to protect themselves.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22GEvDupWGo

  • Dane Janeiro

    Of course Snoop Dogg will perform his traditional public service and fly in 777-full of hos, because nobody parties like Republicans at a convention.

  • Marla

    I personally can’t wait for that shitstorm to take place.

  • Lord-Nash

    Soooo…what’s the point of the conventions again?

    • Mr. Fusion

      Get drunk and get laid by a diseased hooker.

      • Land Shark

        So you mean another delegate from another state?

      • Lord-Nash

        Christ, you have to have a convention for that? Where I come from, we call that Tuesday.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Party of Inclusiveness seems to be somewhat in disarray.

  • mardam422

    How is the lack of attendees going to affect the hookers? That’s what I want to know.

    • Mr. Fusion

      The strippers could moonlight.

      • Mintie

        There’s some shit all the money in the world isn’t compensation enough for wading through.

  • mardam422

    Seems kinda weird that the cops don’t want to show up to provide security because the security situation isn’t good. I mean, why would they need them if the security situation was OK already? Kinda like having doctors not want to go to provide doctorin’ in a place where there may be sick people. Or something.

    • Jay Vaughn

      If Cleveland isn’t going to take responsibility for workers comp or medical exam they definitely shouldn’t. Those police departments have an obligation to their officers not to send them in to harms way without precautions and a plan to help them should something happen.

      • Gregory Brown

        BINGO

  • Mr. Fusion

    DANG !!! And the Secret Service has said no guns inside the convention.

  • Me not sure

    Here’s the perfect Republican anti-Trump candidate. He’s white, male and Aryan, and he takes no shit from anyone.

    • Mr. Fusion

      You know, 50 billion flies can’t be all wrong so Republicans should eat shit.

      • Fly

        You got that right!

  • TeeRaak

    I heard there’s a bunch of people coming to the RNC convention to stir up trouble.

    I hope the people outside the convention hall are safe.
    https://media1.giphy.com/media/3o7qDKSZIPVYRfjCBW/giphy.gif

  • Jay Vaughn

    Silly silly walnut head, #BlueLifesMatter only if they’re ending black ones. Silly.

  • Jeff in the desert

    Poor Cleveland, my home town. Mistake by the Lake. Pulls the short straw. Can’t even get a National Convention right.”City of light, city of magic” No national championships since 1948. And now this. Republicans. lots of republicans. Maybe they can move the Olympics there from Brazil.

    • Gregory Brown

      Hell, even the once-flammable Cuyahoga runs clean these days, at least far cleaner than anything the athletes will have to expose themselves to in Rio.

  • jmk

    I had to laugh – every time my brother mentions that he’ll be at the RNC convention in mid-July, he seems to get more and more bummed about it… glad to see he’s not the only one.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    I am just glad the Cavaliers made the playoffs and made this all more interesting.

  • HorseChestnut

    > That same sick and disgusted feeling normally felt after a night of heavy drinking is radiating to convention sponsors and vendors like Coca-cola, Microsoft, and H.P. who are politely saying that they would rather take a flying fuck into Lake Erie than be associated with Trump’s orgiastic coronation as God Emperor.

    Holy shit, that sentence is so awesome it’s like staring into the sun. I’m serious. That is one of my all-time favorite sentences in English. Thank you!

    • And Thank you!

      • Gregory Brown

        As a newspaper editor for 30 years, I would like to say that, although I would never have allowed a sentence like that to be printed in a family newspaper, it is a dandy sentence, and bright spot on the Wonkette tableau de snark.

    • robmanwiller

      I see the left-wing morons per square inch in here is incalculable. What a concentration of idiocy!

  • WampusKat

    “Oh yeah, the Democrats are going to have a clusterfuck of a shitshow probably too.”

    That was Bernie’s plan, was it not? However, the Dem base said no thanks to that shit show… planned by not-Dems – the Bernie or Busters who happen to be Greens and Trump fan Libertarians – and Alex Jones (LOL): “Dump the Bern: Dems Revolt After Bernie Endorses Hillary”
    http://www.infowars.com/dump-the-bern-dems-revolt-after-bernie-endorses-hillary/

    When we said to you, “We don’t want those wingnuts in our party” we meant it. Hence, #Bernexit.

    You’re welcome. Feel free to fart to your heart’s content outside the Dem convention and don’t forget your Jill Stein/Gary Johnson posters.

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