It Seems Like Donald Trump Might Not Be That Good At Business, But That Can't Be Right!

Remember the time Donald Trump bought an airline, and the whole thing was a hilarious failure? You don't? Well, the Boston Globe reported out the whole delightful story, from the tuxedoed waiters and the sky waitresses who had to juryrig their specially designed blouses so their boobs wouldn't fall out, to the literal crash landing, and the economic one! (Guess who BKed all his creditors! Did you guess Donald Trump? Fuck you are so good at this.)

Let's lift a healthy but reasonable amount from the Globe's report, before sending you off to read the whole thing! 

Donald Trump Crash-Lands An Airline

When Donald Trump’s new airline, the Trump Shuttle, launched on a summer day in 1989, tuxedoed waiters with white gloves passed out smoked salmon, honey chicken skewers, and chocolate truffles. It was early in the day, but champagne flowed at Logan Airport.

After a string quartet rested its bows, Trump took the microphone and struck a discordant note: He railed against Pan Am, his rival in the shuttle business. He suggested Pan Am’s flights were unsafe, that the company was strapped for cash and couldn’t spend as much to maintain planes as Trump Shuttle.

“I’m not criticizing Pan Am,” Trump said that day. “I’m just speaking facts.”

GUESS WHO HAD A LITERAL CRASH LANDING LESS THAN THREE MONTHS LATER HINT IT WAS NOT PAN AM!

Donald Trump Pretty Sure Bankrupting Airline Was Worth It, Because He Got The Banks To Pay

“It was a great experience. I enjoyed it,” Trump said in an interview. “It was incredibly well financed. That was the days where banks put up more than 100 percent of financing.”

“I ran it really well,” he added. “But the markets collapsed. The whole thing collapsed. For airlines, real estate. Everything. It was the depression.”

He ran it really well, you guys. He was probably the best at running an airline, but then there had to be a stupid depression, thanks Obama.

Donald Trump Is Greatest Negotiator

Even at the time, Trump was widely believed to have overpaid. When his team added up how much it would cost to start such a carrier from scratch, they estimated around $300 million. [He paid $65 million more than that for old, stinky jets.] Still, they calculated that if he got about 60 percent of the market share, he could easily pay off the debt.

Could he? Could he easily pay off the debt? LOL.

Know What Else Donald Trump Is Awesome At? Interior Design

Trump wanted the planes to feel like a private jet. The wood panels were made of bird’s eye maple. The burgundy carpet was the most plush in the business, but it was too thick: The center panel had to be ripped up after flight attendants struggled to push drink carts down the aisle.

In the lavatories, Trump — who relied on an adviser who had helped design his yacht — wanted the sink to be made out of real marble. After being told the fixture would be too heavy, faux pink marble was used instead.

AND EVERY TRAY TABLE SHOULD BE MADE OUT OF GRANITE! THE CLASSIEST FUCKIN GRANITE YOU EVER SAW.

Oh, I Forgot To Mention He Spent One Million Dollars Fixing Up Each Four-Million-Dollar Plane

Trump now says he has no regrets and doesn’t feel like he overspent on the planes.

“I didn’t buy new planes. I inexpensively fixed them up,” he said. “I was feeling it out. I didn’t know if I wanted to keep it. . . . I was able to make a pretty good deal.”

Was he? Was he able to make a pretty good deal? Sure, if you mean "everybody ended up paying for it but him." Classic Trump!

How Much Money Did Donald Trump Lose? Well, None Of The Important Money (His)

Over an 18-month period, Trump couldn’t turn a profit. The Shuttle had lost $128 million.

But Trump did have one thing in his favor: leverage over his creditors. In September 1990, he missed a $1.1 million interest payment and asked the bank to defer future payments.

“One banker told me, ‘He would take down the bank, he owes so much money,’ ” Nobles said. “ ‘We can’t afford him to fail.’ ”

In late 1991, about 2½ years after Trump had purchased the airline, Trump gave up control of his prize in order to get out from a pile of debt.

As part of the deal, Trump was no longer responsible for some $245 million in loans left on the shuttle airline. In addition, out of the $135 million that Trump had personally guaranteed, at least $100 million was forgiven, according to news reports at the time.

But you guys, he had a really good time.

No, Really, Donald Trump Really Loved Owning An Airline

At the end of the day, Trump maintains, he did not lose any money in the venture. And the only lesson he learned, he said, was that he knew when to walk away.

“I got out at a good time,” Trump said in the recent Globe interview. “I walked away saying, ‘I’m smart.’ It’s good to get great financing. . . . I felt successful. The market had crashed. I didn’t lose anything. It was a good thing.”

Just think about all those losers who didn't buy an airline, spend it into the ground, and then stiff all their bankers. What a bunch of losers! They didn't even not not lose anything (of their own). What boring losers.

In other news, Donald Trump owns lots of things that aren't airlines too, and their profits are just as imaginary. 

[ BostonGlobe / Politico ]