Remember Ammon and Ryan Bundy — Cliven’s boys — and their merry band of dildo-wielding, freedom-loving shitferbrains? How could we forget? They occupied a federally owned nature preserve, things got kinda violent, and they are now in jail because they broke all the federal laws. This is UNFAIR because, according to their special secret version of the Constitution, the federal government isn’t the boss of them.SUING, because all their rights are being violated, in jail. Yes, they are complaining that jail is a lot like … jail. And that’s illegal!
In their complaint (which is different from daddy Cliven Bundy’s lawsuit, which you can read about here), Ammon and Ryan Bundy share that jail is SO the pits. Did you know that, at the Multnomah County Detention Center (MCDC) where they’re being held, they have to stay in single cells, and only get to walk around freely during quote-unquote “walk time,” which the jailers schedule, as if they are in jail?
Ryan Bundy would like to complain some, please:
during the standoff that left him in this unfortunate predicament (IN JAIL), so that right has at least been abridged.
All of my First Amendment rights are being violated. My right to freedom of religion is being violated. I cannot participate in religious activities and temple covenants, and wear religious garments. […] My right to freedom of speech is being hampered by monitoring and recording. My right to freedom of assembly is being violated; I am not allowed to see my brother and move about. Yesterday, I attempted to discuss these issues with the U.S. Marshals, and they said that these were simply the jail rules. […] My Second Amendment rights are being violated. I never waived that right.
This would be a good time to remind everyone that these jackholes are charged with federal felonies. Minor detail, we know.
The rest of the complaint is a melange of whines about how, since Ryan Bundy is representing himself, it’s super unfair that he and Ammon don’t have laptops, printers, external hard drives and Wi-Fi, so they can do the hard work of putting together their airtight case for why the United States government is not their real dad.
Oh, and they need Facebook, because #Reasons. They say it’s to gather “evidence” that will help in their case, but we all know it is because how can you defeat big government overreach if you can’t count the “likes” on the memes you share, huh?
What’s funny is that, in reading the complaint, you can see that the jail is willing to work with them on a LOT of stuff! They can’t have laptops or PCs, and the boys can fuck right off with their Wi-Fi request, but the jail says “there is some precedent” for allowing inmates to have devices to review discovery, as long as they’re in single cells. Which they are! They suggest, perhaps, an iPad?
The jail also says the co-defendants don’t get to hang out together, even if they are brothers. Sorry, boys! No jerk-off contests, no crossing streams after dark, and no plotting to take down the government. Life isn’t fair, we know.
Oh, but they CAN have their magic Mormon underpanties (#GiveTheBundysBackTheirPanties), if they want! They just have to have their lawyers arrange to get the damn things laundered, because ewwwwwww Mormon militia skidmarks. This sucks for Ryan, because he, again, is his own lawyer.
But maybe they can get all these things and more once a judge considers this lawsuit. And guns! How could you deny them their guns, in jail? There are scary criminals in jail! We can’t possibly expect pussies like the Bundy militia boys to defend themselves from such bad elements without their penis guns!
Oh well. Guess they’ll just have to take their chances.