SHARE
Ryan Bundy's pocket Constitution says this is some bullshit, man.
Ryan Bundy’s pocket Constitution says this is some bullshit, man.

Remember Ammon and Ryan Bundy — Cliven’s boys — and their merry band of dildo-wielding, freedom-loving shitferbrains? How could we forget? They occupied a federally owned nature preserve, things got kinda violent, and they are now in jail because they broke all the federal laws. This is UNFAIR because, according to their special secret version of the Constitution, the federal government isn’t the boss of them.

Well, we have a dispatch from jail. They are SUING, because all their rights are being violated, in jail. Yes, they are complaining that jail is a lot like … jail. And that’s illegal!

In their complaint (which is different from daddy Cliven Bundy’s lawsuit, which you can read about here), Ammon and Ryan Bundy share that jail is SO the pits. Did you know that, at the Multnomah County Detention Center (MCDC) where they’re being held, they have to stay in single cells, and only get to walk around freely during quote-unquote “walk time,” which the jailers schedule, as if they are in jail?

Ryan Bundy would like to complain some, please:

All of my First Amendment rights are being violated. My right to freedom of religion is being violated. I cannot participate in religious activities and temple covenants, and wear religious garments. […] My right to freedom of speech is being hampered by monitoring and recording. My right to freedom of assembly is being violated; I am not allowed to see my brother and move about. Yesterday, I attempted to discuss these issues with the U.S. Marshals, and they said that these were simply the jail rules. […] My Second Amendment rights are being violated. I never waived that right.

That’s right, he’s pissed off he can’t have his fucking guns. IN JAIL. And they won’t even let him sit around with his bro and make plans to fight government tyranny, unfair! He also says his right to “freedom from search and seizure” is being violated, in jail, and that he still has his right to life, but the feds shot at him during the standoff that left him in this unfortunate predicament (IN JAIL), so that right has at least been abridged.

This would be a good time to remind everyone that these jackholes are charged with federal felonies. Minor detail, we know.

The rest of the complaint is a melange of whines about how, since Ryan Bundy is representing himself, it’s super unfair that he and Ammon don’t have laptops, printers, external hard drives and Wi-Fi, so they can do the hard work of putting together their airtight case for why the United States government is not their real dad.

Oh, and they need Facebook, because #Reasons. They say it’s to gather “evidence” that will help in their case, but we all know it is because how can you defeat big government overreach if you can’t count the “likes” on the memes you share, huh?

What’s funny is that, in reading the complaint, you can see that the jail is willing to work with them on a LOT of stuff! They can’t have laptops or PCs, and the boys can fuck right off with their Wi-Fi request, but the jail says “there is some precedent” for allowing inmates to have devices to review discovery, as long as they’re in single cells. Which they are! They suggest, perhaps, an iPad?

The jail also says the co-defendants don’t get to hang out together, even if they are brothers. Sorry, boys! No jerk-off contests, no crossing streams after dark, and no plotting to take down the government. Life isn’t fair, we know.

Oh, but they CAN have their magic Mormon underpanties (#GiveTheBundysBackTheirPanties), if they want! They just have to have their lawyers arrange to get the damn things laundered, because ewwwwwww Mormon militia skidmarks. This sucks for Ryan, because he, again, is his own lawyer.

But maybe they can get all these things and more once a judge considers this lawsuit. And guns! How could you deny them their guns, in jail? There are scary criminals in jail! We can’t possibly expect pussies like the Bundy militia boys to defend themselves from such bad elements without their penis guns!

Oh well. Guess they’ll just have to take their chances.

[Complaint via Talking Points Memo]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • limberrat

    You know Ryan, you have a right to remain silent…maybe you should use it.

  • SmokinGood

    They are also being “commingled” with criminals! In Jail! WHO COULD HAVE KNOWN?

    • Lizzietish81

      With THOSE people?

      • Creepoman

        Let me tell you what I know about the . . .

        • Tallmutha

          peckerwoods.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            In the case of the Bundys, peckertwigs.

          • kindness

            Karma would have put Ryan into a cell with the jailhouse Black Panther leader. This being Oregon however……

    • Joe Beese

      In retrospect, there may have been errors in judgment.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    He can’t have his guns in jail. He can’t have his guns in jail.

    Ryan, if you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

    Asshole.

    • SmokinGood

      Civil Disobedience? How does that even work, bro?

  • I look forward to the judge’s reply. Mostly because I’m quite curious how one says “Fuck off” in legalese.

    • schmannity

      Motion denied.

    • anwisok

      The judge should get a H.S. Principal to write it for him.

      • Aquaria

        A kindergarten teacher would use too big of words for this shitferbrains.

    • Skadi

      “Recede hinc, irrumator.”

    • The Wanderer

      The argument at issue is a dispute between what they think they should have and what the jail allows. In many cases, the jail’s need to be secure supersedes their rights.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I think “Denied” will do the job.

    • A LITtle Annoyed, Yet ARoused

      Kiss my habeas corpass.

  • Lizzietish81

    OT: Michael Caine has died.

    • limberrat

      Source?

      • Lizzietish81

        er just saw it on facebook

      • Lizzietish81

        Erf, the same publication also claims that Samuel L Jackson is dead so it may be fake

        • limberrat

          Sorry Lizzie.

        • schmannity

          Not true yet. Besides, he and 20 Englishmen held off 5000 Zulus in his first movie.

          • Skadi

            So if his death doesn’t involve at least 6,000 Zulus, we should assume it’s a fakeout?

          • Captain Kraut

            He’s admittedly gotten on in years, maybe 5001 Zulus would do the trick now.

    • SmokinGood

      OT: My trivia team is named “RIP Pat Sajak”

    • shut up shut up shut up

    • Candy Apple

      Oh shit. :( Edit: thank fuck it may not be true.

    • SnarkTank

      You’ve gotta quit clicking on those “His Heartbreaking Last Words!” clickbait articles, Lizzie! Otherwise I’d think Burt Reynolds, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, and a whole bunch o’ other folks had already kicked the bucket.

      • Lizzietish81

        I don’t know have you SEEN Burt Reynolds recently?

        • JH Marx

          No, thank bog!!1!!

        • SnarkTank

          He’s 80, give him a break!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Actually, he is in Florida (or at least was within the past week or two) shooting a movie.

          • Blank Ron

            Was the movie carrying Skittles and ice tea?

            … too soon?

    • The Wanderer

      You naughty person.

  • Nounverb911

    Did Ryan explain WHICH type of guns he wanted in jail with him?

    • Callyson

      AOTK.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Ritzencrackers biceps, maybe? I imagine he is longing for those cold nights snuggled down with nothing but an 18″ double headed dildo between them.

  • Lizzietish81

    Next you’ll be telling us they can’t hang out on a beach making a documentary about how Obama is going to destroy the world.

  • Joe Beese

    Completely O/T, but so happy-making!

    Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s (D-FL) days as chair of the Democratic National Committee could be numbered, according to a Tuesday report from The Hill, as elected officials discuss replacing her ahead of the general election. …

    “There have been a lot of meetings over the past 48 hours about what color plate do we deliver Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s head on,” a Democratic senator who backs Hillary Clinton said. …

    Another anonymous senior Democratic senator confirmed to CNN lawmakers are discussing removing the chair.

    “There is a lot of sentiment that replacing her would be a good idea. It is being discussed quietly among Democratic senators on the floor, in the cloakroom and in lunches,” the lawmaker said.

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/debbie-wasserman-schultz-dnc-dems-weigh-ouster

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlA3Fa5bgig

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      So they’re throwing her to the Bernie bros? Of well, a stoning is a stoning, I say.

      • Joe Beese

        Bernie-fy the situation if you must. But I don’t think you’ll find many DWS supporters among the Hill-folk either.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Yeah, I know, I’m just being contrarian. I gotta stop reading Slate.

        • Lizzietish81
          • limberrat

            Does she weigh the same as a duck?

        • kindness

          I like Bernie. Will be voting for Hill come June 7 here in CA. I can’t stand DWS and my reason is she refuses to spend DNC money to support Democratic candidates running against Republican Congressmembers in Florida. Screw that *#@*!.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I particularly like the gag about the color of the plate. May I suggest purple, since it’s what DWS has helped turn a lot of blue states?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The love for payday loan parasites is DWS’ undoing, methinks.

  • Scooby

    I think this guy should be a Constitutional Law professor.

  • Oneofthebobs

    His freedom of speech is impeded? He has something stupider to say?

    • Nounverb911

      Maybe he should hire Peter Thiel to sue for him….

      • Oneofthebobs

        I’m sure he could Trump something up.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    These guys are kinda slow on the uptake? They thought all that talk about “country club prisons” meant they were going to some exclusive country club and get in some golf and skeet shooting?

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    I call for a motion of habeus corpuscles to mandamus and quash. And a change of menu!

    • cheetojeebus

      Quash? Oh, Not again..how bout some Bloccoli?

  • Callyson

    Yeah, these are the guys our nation needs to keep us strong. #ohforfuckssake

    • HogeyeGrex

      Yep. The mountain men who live off the land and rassle alligators.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAHgGsrdXyM

      …You know. Morons.

      (new NRA ad. feh.)

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Saw that on Huffypo. I got about 2 lines in before I had to bail or risk brain damage from headdesking.

      • The Wanderer

        Yeah, Charlie. Go back to shitty fiddle playing.

      • Caepan

        Ah yes, Charlie Daniels – another big-talkin’ sideline “patriot.”

        While men of his age were fighting and dying in South Vietnam, ol’ Charlie was protecting the studios of Nashville from them commie invaders (that weren’t Bob Dylan).

  • Spotts1701

    Who knew that jail had rules designed to prevent lawbreakers from continuing to engage in conduct that may lead to more lawbreaking? It’s like it’s a punishment or something.

  • goonemeritus

    Jailhouse lawyers are my least favorite lawyers.

  • Jonny On Maui

    OT: There’s Dick the troll on the Warren thread…

  • ExpatGirl

    Putting treason and violent tendencies to one side, the Bundy clan is comedy gold.

    • SmokinGood

      I think we can all agree that the real tragedy here is that we all have to be much more circumspect about the types of jokes we write which involve the Bundy boys, 55 gallon drums of lube, and boxes of dildeaux.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Yeah, the Commenting Rules for Radicals can stifle a lot of third rate prison pr0n.

        • nmmagyar

          commenting that he can diddle himself with a 18″ dildo and prison Jello for lube is not a violation.

          • The Wanderer

            Since dildos aren’t allowed, they can get all artsy-craftsy and make their own.

          • handyhippie65

            shampoo bottles are prison dildos, or so i’ve heard.

          • The Wanderer

            I’ve seen those. I’ve also seen them crafted from bar soap (wrapped in plastic wrap).

          • handyhippie65

            seen? how depressing. i get my knowledge third hand.

  • Master Contrail Program

    Note to Ryan Bundy: That girl never named her kid Megatron after getting 1,000,000 Facebook likes. I realize slacktivism is your whole bag, but it never changed the world. Neither will you.

  • chazmanr

    “My Second Amendment rights are being violated. I never waived that right.”

    Uh, yes you did. The moment that you took something that didn’t belong to you. You waived that right and many others.

    • WIDTAP

      Well, more to the point, the Court can take your rights, which is what they do when they remand you to jail.

  • goonemeritus

    I’m sure it’s worse than Gitmo, but than the rules for enemy combatants can be pretty harsh.

    • Candy Apple

      Anal feedings for the Bundy boys or GTFO.

      • goonemeritus

        I’m told it isn’t even torture.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Will Trump be “taking out” their families?

          • TeeRaak

            To dinner!

  • Skwerl King

    Daddy always said that I was neither smart enough nor dumb enough to defend myself in court. I suspect that Ryan is missing the smarts and awash in the dumbs.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Well, of course you need the jails and prisons to be open-carry. I mean, they’re filled with criminals. A guy has to defend hisself.

    • TheBidenator

      flawless logic, please accept this shotgun and these two TEC-9’s Mr. Bundy.

    • SmokinGood

      You joke, but the filing actually complains about the criminals. Felons even!

      • HogeyeGrex

        Father rapers sittin right there on the bench next to me!

        • SisterArtemis

          Well, maybe they’ll all be chums in the end – if I recall, after things got going, it was a pretty rollicking time there on the Group W bench….

          • Leah White

            “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!tc460urtwo days ago grey MacLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !tc460u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsShieldGetPay-Hour$98…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!tc460u….,….

        • SadDemInTex

          ?you can have anything you want?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “We didn’t break any laws! Why are we here?”

  • Nounverb911

    OT: Obama raps in Vietnamese

    https://youtu.be/1S9ISfOD0b4

    • cousin itt

      I was promised there would be a third term for Obama. It’s unfair he is being denied!1!1!

      • OneYieldRegular

        FEMA CAMPS NOW.

  • limberrat

    You mean getting arrested for doing something illegal has consequences?

    • Skwerl King

      Unless you are rich enough.

  • Gorillionaire

    Also in jail cells next to them: black people. Someone go back to 1849 and call a lawyer.

  • Skwerl King

    Thank God they are not bunking him with a soldier and violating his Third Amendment rights.

    • Candy Apple

      A BRITISH soldier. American soldiers are Patriots, British soldiers are tyrants.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …but they are “WHITE”. Consequences only pertain to negroes!!!

    • limberrat

      Whites who to really stupid illegal shit publicly suffer consequences.

    • GeminiCricket

      But his undies are darkish, so…he does have valid worries there.

    • jgreencyclist

      You mean “the negro”.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …”the negroes”?

        • jgreencyclist

          I think it is a word like “fish” – it is both singular and plural.

        • Jennifer R

          It’s like Lego or fish the singular and plural are the same.

    • nmmagyar

      And Messicans

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s another thing they know about the negro.

  • nightmoth

    What with the cowboy hats and all, I would’ve thought they’d watched enough old Westerns to know that Marshall Dillon takes your guns away first thing.

  • JVisconti

    Hope they don’t open with dad’s ‘let me tell you something about the negro’ when making friends in the prison yard.

    • Blank Ron

      Really? I’m kinda hoping they do. It will be an educational experience – something they seem to not have had many of in their useless, wasted lives.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Dear World,

    We are bein’ held against our will by the oppressive federal goverbment, without access to phones,or knives, or guns, or Cheetos, or any of our other Constitutional rights. We are locked in a cell although we are innicent before bein’ proved guilty.

    We right this so other citizens will know …

    … Aww, Fuck It. I can’t make this funnier than it already is.

    • Just picture them trying to dig a poop-trench in their cells…

      • starfanglednut

        Clink, clink. Scratches head. “Shit, this dirt shore is hard.”

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      “They won’t even let us have them dildos that was given to us fair and square by th’ U.S. Postal Office.”

  • TheBidenator

    Wimpiest, whiniest martyrs EVER. They even beat Anders Breivik whining about his jail in Norway having PS2 and not Xbox 360….well no his whine is still worse. That motherfucker killed scores of people so fuck him. He can shove an Xbox 360 right up his ass

  • Master Contrail Program

    Do their pocket constitutions have gold fringe?

    • At first glance I thought he had his name tag upside down.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        So he could identify himself?

        • Blank Ron

          ‘Who th’ fuck is “uɐʎɹ”?’

  • beavertank

    Man… Ryan Bundy sure turned out to be a fucking idiot. Who could have seen that coming?

    • SeeTrain65

      Certainly not Cliven.

      • or his sister/mom.

        • SeeTrain65

          You know, I was just waiting for someone to respond along those lines, and damned if you didn’t just nail it. Well done.

          • H0mer0

            he does have hips o’ steel

          • Thanks

    • nmmagyar

      He’s not even smart enough to be called SMRT

      • Querolous

        So you take out a couple nore letters. S**T

  • TheBidenator

    I have to admit you really can’t do much better for comical insanity than sovereign citizens. I’d never want to be a judge for one because of their endless filings and motions and how they clog the system but their arguments are just pure ROFL delight.

    • nmmagyar

      It takes less than a minute to deny a motion. So, the judge is at maybe a half hour a day.

      • Kavefish

        And then laughing hysterically for the rest of the afternoon.

  • limberrat

    Aw, you feel threatened Ryan? GOOD!

  • OneYieldRegular

    If Bundy thinks jail sucks, wait until he gets to prison.

    • Logic of Color

      Hopefully he’s working on getting hard

    • Captain Kraut

      Ballad of Reading Gaol libelz!!1!

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    If only Ryan had been armed ….

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    My Second Amendment rights are being violated. I never waived that right.

    All those other prisoners who voluntarily waived their 2nd Amendment rights must feel pretty stupid now.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This guy’s problem is he didn’t think he broke any laws, and besides, laws are bullshit because his pocket copy of the Spock-With-A-Beard universe constitution says so.

      • The Wanderer

        Even Spock-with-a-beard would shake his head at these cretins.

        • Kavefish

          “Your agonizer, Mr. Bundy…”

          • The Wanderer

            I’ve always wanted one of those. They’d come in handy for clearing a path to the bargains on Black Friday.

          • Kavefish

            I’m pretty sure it was the inspiration that gave us tasers.

  • TeeRaak

    Something ain’t right in the head.
    https://media1.giphy.com/media/InnhGR1ylZjby/200w_d.gif

  • Jenny

    I figure his nights are filled with sad tears thinking about his beloved gun. Softly playing in the background is Mariah Carey’s Without You as he lovingly strokes his only picture of his one true love.

    And also his penis. He’s probably spending all day cleaning the little gun. That’s the real reason they won’t let him access the internet.

  • goonemeritus

    I have admired many people willing to go to jail for their deeply held beliefs. Sister Megan Rice, an 84-year-old nun, was sentenced to 35 months in prison for her role in a protest at a Tennessee nuclear facility. Rice said in her closing statement that she did not fear jail time. “Please have no leniency with me,” Sister Rice told the judge in her closing statement. “To remain in prison for the rest of my life would be the greatest gift you could give me,” I guess 84 year old Nuns are just tougher than your average Bundy

    • jgreencyclist

      Amazing how the went from rough, tough cowboys into whiney, sniveling princesses in like no time flat.

      • nmmagyar

        Princess Libel!!!!

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        I’m not too sure about the rough, tough cowboys part, to be honest.

      • Why am I Mr. Pink?

        “You can have my wi-fi when you pry it from my co– HEY!!! Gimme back my wi-fi!!!”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Hmm, could this be plot of the next Disney Princess movie?

    • HogeyeGrex

      84 month old children are just tougher than your average Bundy.

      Smarter, too, apparently.

    • The Wanderer

      The strength of her faith and convictions, versus their sense of entitlement.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Fresh marshmallows are tougher than your average Bundy.

    • Iron Monkey

      Sister Megan Rice is a person that one could emulate no matter what his or her age. The Feds went nuts when she and two others were charged with sabotage under a World War I era law that has been used to imprison people who engage in civil disobedience to protest this country’s war policies. That part of the conviction was thrown out and they will be re-sentenced. Sister Rice is still a committed peace activist willing to go to prison for her beliefs–she also thinks that she has a special responsibility to do so since those with children or other responsibilities shouldn’t get themselves incarcerated.

      She has been one of my heroes for a while.

      • goonemeritus

        Many Nuns are awesome, she is just a little more awesome than most.

  • Tallmutha

    (It’s) super unfair that he and Ammon don’t have laptops, printers, external hard drives and Wi-Fi, so they can do the hard work of putting together their airtight case for why the United States government is not their real dad watch porn in jail.

  • DodgeDixie&Descartes

    Would he settle for s shiv so long as he gets to wear his secret underwear?

  • I’m beginning to think these boys may not be too bright…

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I think they should give the guy his guns. Just no bullets. Then, when he starts with the “let me tell you what I know about the negro” someone can [redacted due to probable banhammering}

  • natoslug

    He spent good money on the winning bid for George “Fucking Childkiller Shitstain” Z’s Tec 9, and now nobody is going to let him play with it? NOT FAIR!

    • Kavefish

      So *that’s* where all his sweet grifter cash is going! No wonder he caint afford no laywer….

  • SeeTrain65

    I’m just guessing this is one of the myriad of subjects Ryan Bundy doesn’t understand, including gravity, tides, grazing fees, federal lands …

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Which one is his left foot, and which one is his right…

      • Kavefish

        Usually, you can tell by which one isn’t in his mouth, but…

        :::shrug:::

    • HanBarbara

      And they had it pretty good. It cost more per month to feed one of my elderly, senile, special-diet-needing cats than one of his starving cows.

      • Objectifer

        That’s mostly because you care about your cat.

    • DemmeFatale

      Ha, ha!
      I first read “gravity” as “gravy.”
      I think it stands.

      • Doug Langley

        Now that you mention, it does remind me of a movie where people get banged up pretty badly.

      • SeeTrain65

        We’ll all roux the day he gets his guns back.

    • TrumpsAlterEgo

      Magnets . . Shhhhh . .

      Nobody mention magnets . .

    • Aquaria

      How to breathe…

      • SeeTrain65

        “Put yer lips tergether and blow?”

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    “A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client” needs to be reworked. “A fool who has himself for a lawyer has a -” Damn. “A client who fools himself into thinking he’s a lawyer has -” No.
    Dammit, I’ll go out and come in again.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      “You can’t be fooled again.”

      • TrumpsAlterEgo

        . . fool me once . . twice I’m fooled, but I won’t get fooled again . . Uh-kuk-kuk-kuk . . (Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane)

    • Kateaux

      The whole thing goes something like, “A lawyer who is his own attorney has a fool for a client, and an ass for an attorney.”

      • Blank Ron

        In this case both are excessively generous descriptions.

      • Querolous

        And if the client is also a person, agent, individual and settler ?

    • cat cafe

      A client who has himself as a lawyer has TWO weapons, a fool, a client, a lawyer–THREE weapons, I’ll come in again.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    You unfair libtards deliberately picked a picture of Ryan looking un-SMRT just to cast asparagus against him! Whose the losers now, huh, you commie fags??!!eleventy!!>>??// You are all the opitome of a dumb ass! Libety or tranny!

    • Doug Langley

      Needz moar capz.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Yeah, and I can’t get my computer to do umlauts :((

    • The Wanderer

      I will cast asparagus – and Hollandaise sauce – upon the Bundys.

      • theblackdog

        Meh, roll up the asparagus with some prosciutto and grill it instead

    • badphairy

      Totally had me with “asparagus”. I got to bitchslap someone at the Grey Lady earlier this week because he was complaining that everyone had already written Bernie’s “epithet”.

      I responded “Thesauri are your friends, lil buddy.”

  • Hemp Dogbane

    I like to go to Bundy Ranch on FB for freshly brewed derp.

    “When it comes to Officer/Deputy involved shootings, LEO’s are given so much leeway whereas a civilian shoots another human being and it turns out they were mistaken, they are put in jail (often for life) whereas if a cop shoots someone and is mistaken they are generally given the benefit of the doubt.
    It should be the opposite”

  • Master Contrail Program

    “Let me tell you what I know about the sovereign man. I drive by their government subsidized ranches, with their starving cows, and armed-to-the-teeth militia nuts, and I see all of ’em just standin’ around, flappin’ their gums, arms, and pocket constitutions.”

    “I think to myself, ‘Are they truly free?’ Seems to me you put ’em in a place that has more dick than can be bagged, and flushing toilets, that gives ’em more free-dumb than they could ever rustle up of their own volition.”

    • The Wanderer

      Mrs Premise: It’s a funny thing freedom. I mean how can any of us be really free when we still have personal possessions.

      Mrs Conclusion: You can’t. You can’t. I mean, how can I go off and join Frelimo when I’ve got nine more installments to pay on the fridge.

  • Shibusa
    • beatbort

      What is Mormon porn like?

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Two white people quietly lying under a white sheet and occasionally moving slightly closer to one another.

      • Shibusa

        I just googled it. Jesus, Mary & Joseph Smith!

        • Sometimes, you’re better off not knowing.

      • Objectifer

        Lotta gay stuff. Go figure.

    • The Wanderer

      (chortles) Magic Underoos!

    • H0mer0

      why does the pouch for his nads look like a colostomy bag?

  • Scooby

    I can’t tell which he knows more about, the Negro or the Constitution?

  • JParkerSD46

    This pretty much sums it up… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waf46eBajkw

  • SpideySenser

    Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. Stupid is no way to go through life. Your fucking sneaker size is higher than your IQ.

  • Ergoetal

    “I cannot participate in religious activities and temple covenants, and wear religious garments…”

    Gawd, this stuff just writes itself, doesn’t it?

  • doggiedaddy

    The real reason they can’t have guns is because they would probably shoot themselves.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    A list of things the Bundy clan doesn’t understand would break the internet.

  • VirginiaLady

    This has got to be the start of an insanity plea. They don’t realize where they are or why. He could be on to something too. This nut honestly doesn’t get the why part.

    • Jennifer R

      I would be genuenly sympathetic to a claim that his traumatic head injury as a child (Ammon drove a truck over his head), Led him to be easily influenced by Ammon and Cliven via diminished capacity.

      • cynmac

        I dunno. He’d have to cooperate or have a lawyer to be evaluated and he’s not doing either. Maybe he needs to be deprogrammed like John Lee Malvo, the DC Sniper’s kid sidekick to get help. And that took years in the SuperMax. At 31, Malvo is now in state prison for life without parole.

        • Jennifer R

          Yeah I mean he would be going away for a long time no matter what, better he goes somewhere he can get help.

          • cat cafe

            That’s true.

      • cat cafe

        I would too, if it was accompanied by some slight hint of regret or desire to make amends and restitution.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    They really have to do some DNA testing up at the ranch.

  • timpundit

    I see they have dropped their insistence on French vanilla creamer, tho, so progress?

    • badphairy

      I bet they miss those gummy dildoes now!

  • Wow, talk about not being clear on the concept…

    • cat cafe

      Well, to be fair, sovcits aren’t exactly clear on any concepts.

  • beatbort

    This could all be solved by a swift trial and sentencing. And then a shipping them out to a nice federal prison, which they will enjoy so much more than jail. Every morning, the staff delivers the “menu of the day.” Breakfast, for example, consists of sour grapes washed down with crocodile tears, lunch is a large shit sandwich and dinner is leftover shit sandwich. For midnight snack they can let their meat loaf.

    • beatbort

      Oh, I almost forgot. Every other Thursday night they get derp dish pizza.

    • Aquaria

      I’m hoping they do the US Attorney treatment of putting their chargees on a diet of green bologna sandwiches until they start playing nice with the justice system.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Sorry, boys. But what the fuck did you expect?
    I know your daddy told you that you were special, and you believed it, but guess what.

    Christ. What a bunch of numbnuts.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Ah, I see the problem – his constitution is upside down.

  • Doug Langley

    I was in such a bad mood this morning I didn’t think anything could give me a laugh.

    Nice to see I was wrong. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  • anon_the_great

    Give me WiFi or give me Death

    • doktorzoom

      I’ve used some motel WiFi that was indistinguishable….

  • dinah42

    Huh. The longer this goes on, the better I feel about my tax dollars** going towards making this asshat’s life miserable. It’s petty, but it still makes me happy to hear him whine.

    ** MultCo resident over here, so they truly are my tax dollars.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Thank you for your support of the writers of comedy everywhere.

    • ltmcdies

      I’m sure your education tax dollars weren’t used because this is an example of home schooling if I ever saw one..

      and if it isn’t …OMG

      • dinah42

        He’s a carpetbagger. From Nevada, IIRC. The educational system here or lack thereof is irrelevant in this particular situation. AKA You can’t blame us for him!

        (And, heh, totally thought your post was going to be a weed reference. A large chunk of our pot tax revenue goes to schools.)

        • The Wanderer

          Don’t bogart that spliff! Think of the children!

    • Kavefish

      Thank you for your service on our behalf.

  • Thaumaturgist

    If these guys plead guilty they’ll get out of that low budget state jail and be on their way the next morning to a relatively plush federal preserve but, this time, with indoor plumbing.

  • tehbaddr

    Derp Militia is a gift that keeps on giving. They are a funny bunch now that they can’t harm anybody!

  • JohnBull

    They say they need Facebook now. Wait until they find out Zuckerberg is a commie who wants to destroy America.

  • Mavenmaven

    Give then some time in one of those privately run for profit state prisons, and see if they don’t quickly come begging back for their current accommodations.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    He thinks his right to bare arms is being violated because the prison jump suits all have long sleeves.

    • Well, I’d be willing to let him share a cell with an armed bear, just like the Constitution says! Why a bear needs a gun, I’ll never know. Most people would assume the large teeth, sharp claws, and bad temper would be enough.

  • ltmcdies

    If I were a Mormon I would be so flippin’ embarrassed right now.

    • cynmac

      The Mormons are used to it. This is why they moved to Utah. It was supposed to be their own little utopia, an oasis of inbred white peoples.

      • yyyaz

        And it woulda been, too, if the damned fedrul gummint hadn’t made them swear off their pederastic polygamy as a condition of joining the U.S. of A. And, as an added insult — 75 years later — that stinkin’ NCAA threatened to jeopardize their kollege sportsball munniez if they kept runnin’ out teams whiter than a klan meetin’. Damned meddlers and religious opressers.

  • SisterArtemis

    I predict the judge will say something like this:

  • AnOuthouse

    His right to wear religious garments refers to magic underpants? I think Ryan may be ‘special’, as in short bus ‘special’.

    • The Wanderer

      Mormon temple garments, or magic underpants. Mitt Romney got a lot of giggles directed at him over that.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      I bet his underwear is very special.

    • cynmac

      Yep, he would be allowed to wear them if his lawyer could make arrangements for laundry. But since Ryan is his own lawyer, then he’s outta luck.

      Can’t have the magic underoos mixing with the non-sacred. Plus, with all the Mormon prisoners.you wouldn’t want to mix up the magic pants. That’d be unlucky.

    • cat cafe

      Well, his daddy did drive over his head in his truck, so

  • Dolmance

    They do get microwaved bean burritos, washed down with party punch made by Aramark though.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The kid doesn’t seem very clear on this whole “jail” concept.

    • mr_snarkie

      It’s not mentioned in the Constitution, so it must not exist.

      • James Christopher Owen

        “nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, WITHOUT DUE PROCESS OF LAW”. They were arrested and lodged in jail. Due process observed, liberty deprived.

        So what’s my point?

        What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

        Helephino…

  • mr_snarkie

    This is a Will Farell movie waiting to happen.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No, it’s another crappy Adam Sandler movie waiting to happen.

      • The Wanderer

        Yep, only Sandler can truly bring something this stupid to the screen.

        • clubseal

          What ever do you mean?

      • yyyaz

        Sandler + Ferrell = sad clown train wreck FTW.

  • OneWhiteWhisker

    The stupid, it burns.

  • The Wanderer

    Wow. Sweet Jesus in Jodhpurs, that’s a rich, deep, almost rural Floridian level of stupid.

    • PUAAN

      Panhandle Florida level, even.

    • yyyaz

      I have lived in rural Floridia and spent considerable time in Moronia. I heartily agree about the level of stewpid, but Moronians require more of a conscious commitment.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Will the trial be televised? Because that could become the greatest sitcom in the history of TV.

    • jojokaka

      Apparently not. Boohoo!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        What about their First Amendment right to be televised?

    • cynmac

      No and that’s good. We don’t need these guys to be martyrs.

  • badphairy

    This is seriously Dumbass White Male Privilege Refuses to Learn the Smallest Thing. Apparently thet thar pers’nil Contsty Two Shin they carry around doesn’t tell them what happens when peoples get arrested, cuz good ol’ white boys never git arrested fer nuthin’! We got all them seasons of Dukes of Hazzard to prove it too!

  • JMP

    But the Bundys can’t be treated like common criminals when they’re white people!

  • mailman27

    These Bundys make Al Bundy look like McGeorge Bundy.

    • The Wanderer

      They make Al Bundy look like Al Einstein.

  • Enfant Terrible

    I had some friends, name of Aimmon and Ryan,
    Who used to be into government denyin’,
    They thought they was the smartest guys in town,
    But I found out last Monday,
    That they done got locked up Sunday,
    They’ve got ’em in the jailhouse way downtown.
    They’re in the jailhouse now, they’re in the jailhouse now,
    Well they told the judge right to his face,
    They didn’t like to see this place,
    They’re in the jailhouse now.

  • Joshua Norton

    They absolutely need Facebook since their defense obviously hinges on the random opinions of a bunch of people who can barely read or write weighing in on matters of federal law.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Wait wait wait….where are all the wingnut memes about how cushy prisoners have it in Jail with their exercise equipment and cable TV?

    • clubseal

      They’re lying in wait for the next time a … less white person complains about incarceration conditions.

  • Relativicus

    Mr. Boffo saw these guys coming…

  • starfanglednut

    Are they at least allowed to receive shipments of dildos? I’m sure plenty of people would be happy to oblige.

    • mardam422

      And then they could use their freedom of ASSociation while wearing their religious garments during walk time. Seriously, how fucking stoopid are these morans?

    • willi0000000

      they’ll probably say no to the 55 gallon drum of lube though.

      [ note to self: self, send smaller sizes of lube ]

  • AngryKatie

    I don’t understand what’s going on with Ryan Bundy’s face as it seems to be sideways. So I googled “what’s up with Ryan Bundy’s face” and learned that a car ran over him when he was a child and stalled on his head. That…really explains a lot.

    • cat cafe

      Driven by his father. So that really explains a lot. You almost feel sorry for him.

      • Panika MCD

        except that Ammon proves that the brain damage was congenital.

        • TrumpsAlterEgo

          At least partially . . What’s funny is that Ryan getting Yosemite Sam’d, doesn’t seem to have made him that much more damaged than the average of the whole Clan

  • mardam422

    What a tool.

    • Kavefish

      Sorry – no tools in jail! He might hurt hisself with ’em.

  • baconzgood

    Wait wait. Baconz has been in jail a few times for being…let’s say “hyper active”. They put you in jail for a couple days and it sucks. So they are saying it sucks being in jail?

    Welcome to losing ALL your rights for your shenanigans. You don’t have any rights in jail or prison. Because…um…YOU’RE IN JAIL! the guards don’t even let you order Chinese food, or make phone calls, or see your lawyer when you want.

    That’s supposed to teach you not to paint graffiti or slash your neighbor’s tires because his dog shits in your yard

    • Beanz&Berryz

      Does it actually teach you that?

      • hillarysleftone

        it teaches you not to do that, in broad daylight at least. And to have an alibi witness, when you do it in the middle of the night.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          Ahhh.. learning not to get caught versus not to do it… that’s fair. But that alibi witness needs to be pretty good to avoid adding obstruction of justice to the curriculum…

      • baconzgood

        Taught me not to be rambunctious.

        • Beanz&Berryz

          We’ll see if Ryan learnz as good as you…

  • missannthrope

    Ryan Bundy is going to love the Communication Management Unit after he’s convicted. Unless they deem him worthy of Super Max. He will love that even more.

    • Marla

      I have a feeling he may end up there.

      • cynmac

        Maybe they’ll put him in the cell next to the Boston Bomber or H Rap Brown. Or in the middle, between the muslin and the brown person.

        • Marla

          I have toured Supermax in Florence, Colorado last summer. It is not the place anyone who appreciates life (including their own) would ever want to find themselves.

        • missannthrope

          Oooh, then he can whine like Daniel McGowan about how he’s an American, so he can’t be a terrorist.

    • Panika MCD

      they’re both going to spend the rest of their lives in ad seg.

  • Old Top Kick

    Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

    • Me not sure

      I think a nice hair cut would make that all better.

      • cynmac

        But the haircut is real. The whole head. It’s the body that’s shopped.

  • baconzgood

    Also too…you have no rights in jail. It’s jail. Explain when you’re in a federal prison that “you aren’t waiving the right to get gang raped in the shower” to the guards that have been bought off.

    • The Wanderer

      Well, actually an inmate does have rights in jail, but they have careful boundaries drawn around them. There’s no expectation of privacy, of course.

      • baconzgood

        Hahahahahahaha. You are funny. Inmates have “rights” the same way the FTC said to Enron “don’t fraud people”.

  • Beaufighter

    Catch Mormon Militia Skidmarks live at Allstate Arena, tickets on sale now…

    • John Smith

      Coming Sunday, SUNDAY, SUNDAYYYY!!

      • Beaufighter

        Some go, some BLOWWWWW!

  • SecludedCompound

    I cannot participate in religious activities and temple covenants, and wear religious garments.

    Awwww, Ammon is being treated like a common Muslim.

    Maybe now he’ll have some sympathy for others?

    • willi0000000

      nah.

    • Daru Titor

      One of the things required is higher brain function, which I assume was lost to the smoke from the Great Dildo Fire of 2016.

    • Mintie

      Your idealism is adorable. Don’t ever lose that ;)

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well, they don’t have any more sympathy for others but they sure do have more sympathy for themselves.

      Query: If they can’t have access to guys while in prison, may they at least have access to the sort of gun-shaped dildos that so many fine Americans sent them during their Fuck the Birds protest?

  • baconzgood

    So he wants all those people at GITMO to have a speedy trial now? Is this his argument now?

    • clubseal

      We’d have to acknowledge that they’re people first, before restricting the alleged right of the government to do whatever the hell it wants to non-citizens.

    • Dayv!

      Any reasonable person does want that, so I doubt he does.

  • Randy Riddle

    My theory is that he accidentally dropped in from an alternate universe where the residents of the Gadsden Purchase helped the south win the Civil War.

  • mardam422

    Come and listen to my story ‘bout the Bundy clan.
    Just poor squatters on Department of Interior land.
    And then one day they took over a refuge,
    And they found out how jail can be crude.

    Lost rights that is…liberties!

    • frrolfe

      Really Beverley Hillbillies libulz!!!111XXX. Oreganghazi also too. !!!!etc

  • clubseal

    Weird how people start to care about laws when they are affected.

  • The Wanderer

    I do have to wonder if the other inmates are cheering the Bundys on, thinking that if the judge allows these morons to have the boomsticks, they can get access as well.

    • Panika MCD

      that’d be a pretty quick way to reduce the prison population. unfortunately, it’d also increase the number of wrongful death and cruel and unusual punishment suits.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Is the facial deformity congenital or was it from trauma?

    • Joy

      I think a truck rolled over his face. For real.

      • A Bashful Nobody

        Ouch.

    • cynmac

      When Ryan was 7, the truck driven by his father, noted brain surgeon Cliven Bundy, hit him, knocked him, ran over his head and spun on it for awhile, until Cliven realized that he had hit *something*. It caused nerve damage from a bone spur that was not removed until Ryan was 15. As Ryan says, “It used to be worse”.
      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3390565/Cliven-Bundy-s-son-Ryan-recounts-moment-car-ran-head-seven-left-severe-nerve-damage-face-paralysis.html

      • A Bashful Nobody

        Holy poop!

        • cynmac

          IKR. When Jennifer_R defended him, as impaired, I had to go look it up.

      • cat cafe

        I know, on some level you could almost feel bad for this guy, being raised by the abusive shitheel that is his father.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          He didn’t try to run away from home when he turned 18.

          So my sympathy for fuckhead here is non-existent.

      • MarkInCA

        Shit, now you have me feeling sorry for Ryan. Don’t get me wrong, he should still be in jail. But one can honestly say their father ruined their lives.

  • dslindc

    Sorry dildo-for-brains, rights are for people who don’t violate the law and end up in jail.

  • Marla

    As someone who works in the American penitentiary system complaints such as this are standard. Felons who have committed some of the most violent crimes still believe they have a right to pancakes and football every Sunday. If Bundy and Company are so concerned about their rights being violated wait until they are transported to a real Federal prison facility where the word “violated” will be bring a new meaning to their warped definition of the word.

    In the meantime, as a Federal taxpayer what about my rights not to feed you, bathe you, see you have medical care and a bed to sleep in each night?

    There’s always prison cells in Saudi Arabia, Israel, and Hong Kong if they are so unhappy here.

    • The Wanderer

      I’ve worked at a county jail since 1986. I’ve seen a lot of interesting complaints, but the best one was in 1991, after we instituted a smoking ban.

      • Marla

        It’s usually the case with fresh inmates who, after conviction, believe punishment never applies to them.

        • The Wanderer

          Oh yeah. “How dare you not allow me to smoke? You’re violating my rights!”
          Our population’s largely people waiting to go to trial, or waiting to go to state facilities. Some of the jail lawyers keep trying to come up with a decent complaint.

    • Dayv!

      If Bundy and Company are so concerned about their rights being violated wait until they are transported to a real Federal prison facility where the word “violated” will be bring a new meaning to their warped definition of the word.

      Should I assume you, a corrections worker of some sort, are saying that these guys are gonna get raped?

      Man, if only we had people whose job it was to protect the prison population from each other.

      • Marla

        If only those who never worked outside the prison system knew violation means have anything of value taken away from you – including much of your civil liberties – you know, for those who have actually committed rape much less Federal offenses. Go back to watching Law & Order or Perry Mason reruns

        • Dayv!

          It’s pretty common to see people use phrasing like you did above to refer to rape as a punitive aspect of imprisonment. I’m not sure if I misinterpreted your phrasing or if you’re trying to walk it back, but I apologize if it’s the former.

          • Marla

            Strange. Because I never once mentioned the word “rape”

          • Dayv!

            Yes, it appeared to be a euphemism, as was clear from my reply. It’s not suddenly starting to look less like one, but hey, whetever. You just keep on implying that prisoners are gonna “learn a new meaning of ‘violated'” and then pretending you’re not cheering on prison rape. It’s cool.

          • Marla

            No, it wasn’t an euphemism. It’s not my job to protect them. Every inmate I’ve dealt with who has committed a Federal offense always feels their rights are being violated in one aspect or another. In an 84ft cell you have no right to internet, television, or even access to speak with print media. Once Bundy faces himself with true solitary confinement will he learn what violation means. He has no suit, nor any justification for one and you speak like another bourgeois pseudo-left liberal who apologizes for these people’s own criminal actions.

          • Dayv!

            OK, sure.

          • Zyxomma

            Dayv! if that’s what keeps you up at night, there’s a great organization that can use your help: http://justdetention.org/who-we-are/our-mission/

    • kareemachan

      Or you can be whipped in Singapore.

    • Frank Underboob

      I vote to send them to a North Korean jail. That way, we won’y have to listen to their whining.

    • MarkInCA

      Honestly, they should be happy they’re in prison, protected from THEMSELVES. Yes, their stupidity is such that they are the biggest dangers to themselves. At least they get snacks in prison.

  • Kavefish

    RE: TYPO TO MEME

    Dear Wonketariat:

    Having often typed faster than I can think, I have – on occasion – fallen prey to bad spelling.

    :::sob! Oh, the humanity!:::

    However, today’s typo shall remain uncorrected for the duration of La (or is it Le?) Fiasco Del Bundy.

    Henceforth, as far as I’m concerned, when using the perfectly cromulent word “lawyer” in relation to said Bundy’s, I shall continue to endeavor to replace it with the following properly-misspelled version:

    laywer

    Thank you.

    • The Wanderer

      (giggles)

    • cynmac

      AMENDMENT A:
      In the great spirit of Vote for the Worst (VFTW-RIP), I’d like to also submit that all law suites henceforth be referred to as “lawsuites”. It was common troll spelling.

      You’re Welcome.

      • The Wanderer

        I would like a lawsuite with a king-size bed and WiFi.

        • Kavefish

          Motion denied!

          Stop putting quarters in the vibrating bed!

      • Kavefish

        Amendment Seconded!

  • NotConvinced

    Don’t even get Ryan started about not being able to get dynamite in prison. This sucks.

    • Kavefish

      Hey, that terlet won’t unclog itsself, yanno…

    • Rick Hill

      As if the founding fathers ever intended to limit that choice for all of us. Thanks, Obama

    • Frank Underboob

      And where the fuck are Those Cakes He Likes, with the hacksaw blades in them?

  • Mintie

    I wonder if, just maybe, somebody is discovering that jail isn’t quite the five-star hotel the Fuck Criminal Rights people would have you believe.

    • Bad Granny

      I suppose they’d be happier in a tent city in the desert, eating green bologna and moldy bread.

      • Mintie

        Of course they would! Sure, they’d be eating shitty food, but it would be on their schedule, and they could do it with their guns right next to them, after taking walks whenever they wanted, with all the Wi-Fi they’re entitled to. Which is just like any other inmate dreaming of leaving prison behind, but the Bundys, of course, don’t want to hear that, either.

        • Bad Granny

          Well, I was referring to Maricopa County jail.

          • Mintie

            Yes, but do they get wifi?

  • WeaselPoo

    I dunno, maybe….maybe they should be released into the wild and left to graze, like their cattle.

    • MarkInCA

      Nah, the stupid in them would get them killed. It would start raining, they’d all look up to the sky and before you know it, they will have drowned.

  • WeaselPoo

    “My right to freedom of speech is being hampered”
    Then what’s all this whining we’re seeing in the press? Besides, we already know your deranged opinions and perspectives very well thanks to your ‘sagebrush revolution’ bird-bothering stunt
    …by monitoring and recording
    It’s called “customer service”—when you aren’t a felon, of course.

  • obadiahorthodox

    “…Oh, but they CAN have their magic Mormon
    underpanties (#GiveTheBundysBackTheirPanties), if they want! They just
    have to have their lawyers arrange to get the damn things laundered,
    because ewwwwwww Mormon militia skidmarks. This sucks for Ryan, because
    he, again, is his own lawyer…”
    https://youtu.be/wjZYSlq8TPw

  • nvrbl

    Do they think they can use made up stuff and conspiracy theories taken off of Facebook as evidence at trial?

    • harryr

      Yes, yes they do.

    • Eric Oliver

      lol, let me affix my tin-foil hat….. ok, ready….

      only those who havn’t woken up see them as conspiracy theories.

      lol……how’d I do?

      • John Smith

        Too many chemtrails, in my case. I’m still asleep.

      • nvrbl

        You forgot to personally insult me. Otherwise, pretty good.
        Someone actually called me a Tory the other day. Ha Ha.

        • Eric Oliver

          oh ye of the Bull Moose party!

    • ibwilliamsi

      Supreme Court Justice Stephens says they’d better “print screen” that shit because it disappears off the internet and then you can’t use it to justify bad decisions anymore.

    • Panika MCD

      I think they need to get in touch with all their self-appointed judge friends to try to get the trial venue moved. works every time they don’t keep you off the interwebs which is pretty much all the time when you’ve been locked up for trying to overthrow the government.

  • Teto85

    Oh, boo hoo. Poor fucktards cannot have guns in jail. Boo fucking hoo,
    This story just gets funnier and funnier everyday. Thanks Wonkette. And Queen Donna Rose.

  • Tox

    Maybe, just maybe, Wonkette can try the radical idea of not sounding like a horribly biased pile of crap.

    I know, it’s absolutely beyond the scope of what most people think about day to day, but maybe you should give it a shot.

    • Joshua Norton

      “Biased” against someone who thinks they should be able to open carry in their jail cell? Not exactly sure what point you’re trying to make there, but if you can untangle your pearls, I think you’re fainting couch is ready.

      • kareemachan

        And I have the meds ready….

        PS, tox, in case you didn’t get it, we are *totally* laughing at you.

      • Panika MCD

        how can he untangle his pearls from his pubes if he needs to keep his gun in one hand and his copy of the SECRET Constitution in the other at all times?

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      OTOH, you can fuck off and bitch somewhere else. We like it here!

    • Quercus

      “Horribly biased pile of crap” = reporting facts, accurately quoting Bundys and getting a good chuckle out of it.

      • JMP

        From this guy’s history, which is all of seven comments, he thinks it’s wrong to call the fucking Oath Keepers extremists. That’s the group that calls on the military and the police to refuse to obey orders because the President is black. They’re as extreme and anti-American as the Bundy traitors.

    • Bad Granny

      What’s the matter? Aren’t we PC enough for you?

      Hey guys! The thought police are at the door!

    • Frank Underboob

      Wait, are you saying that they aren’t a bunch of idiot rednecks who know literally nothing at all about the law or the Constitution, & have been sucking on the Taxpayer’s teat their entire lives? Aw, bless your heart, son.

    • Eric Boyer

      You’re the new President of the stupid club. Congrats!

      • ibwilliamsi

        Because Ryan Bundy wasn’t available to serve out his term.

        • TrumpsAlterEgo

          He was promoted to the Federal Ass-clown Bench

    • Panika MCD

      isn’t there a state cemetery you should be plotting to take over or something?

    • JMP

      Yeah, how awful to be biased against a bunch of criminal idiots who violently attempted to steal federal and now are whining that they actually have to pay the consequences and go to jail where their criminal would-be traitor asses belong. People who nobody actually supports except for complete lunatic morons who hate America.

    • MarkInCA

      (1) Wonkette is a blog, not a newspaper. People come here, like they do The Blaze and National Review FOR the bias. (2) The Bundys made themselves look stupid, not Wonkette. Asking for guns in jail? What are they, smoking crack? (3) If you have any sympathy for these lunatics, maybe you need to reevaluate your life? Just a suggestion…

    • BeachBum

      You might read the notice on the door, as this IS a nasty, vile, little snarky mob, but its OURS, and we love it here !

    • Awww. Did Wonkette hurt your little fee-fees? TOO DAMN BAD. LOL

    • doktorzoom

      You’re pretty amusing. Also pretty banhammered.

    • SpideySenser

      Are you fucking serious? HAHAHAHA!!1!!1!

    • James Christopher Owen

      You’re new here, aren’t you?

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      ;)

  • Kathy Taus

    Poor things. This is not how they thought it was going to go.

  • Whatever kicked him in the face scrambled his egg.

    • Frank Underboob

      Probably a cow. They tend to do that when people try to have sex with them.

      • Willliam Wallace

        ‘Specially the bulls.

        • John Smith

          He doesn’t have sex with the bulls, he just milks them.

  • Pat_Pending

    Y’know that meme phrase, “The Stupid. It burns.”? I need to go get some damn aloe vera to stick on my eyeballs after reading the above nonsense.

  • Eric Oliver

    first of all, can I just say that I love wonkette.

    next: how is freedom of speech infringed upon by recording?

    • Bad Granny

      If ‘n I caint say anything I want without consequences, I’m bein’ repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system!

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        It just ain’t Wonkette without a Monty Python reference.
        Good times!

        • Bad Granny

          My repertoire is limited.

    • ibwilliamsi

      Only freedom conspiracy type speech is infringed upon by recording.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Clearly he is alluding to Foucalt’s discussion of the Panopticon as a metaphor of the surveillance state…or maybe he’s just bone-stick-stone stoopid. It’s your call.

  • Eric Oliver

    one suspects that if they were allowed to be in gen pop and freely congregate, they might be in a wee bit of danger….

    • Frank Underboob

      Sadly, I doubt that’s true.

      • Willliam Wallace

        They won’t make many converts, but they would get more “dates”!

  • JustDon’tSayDittos

    Can’t believe no one else has posted this. Maybe I didn’t scroll down far enough.

  • chicken thief

    Ryan gets cranky when he doesn’t get dildoed on the regular….

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I’m sure this is simply a continuation of the their long history of zealous advocacy on behalf of the incarcerated. Once they get what they’re asking for, I’m sure they’re going to put all their energy into helping The Blacks.

    • Querolous

      Except that they don’t use the B word.

  • kareemachan

    I honestly couldn’t keep from weeping while reading this.

    Of course, they were tears from laughing so hard, but still…

  • Stein Olsen

    What a pitiful bunch of dumb and villainy. And their wretched stupidity got one of them killed. Did that perhaps put things in perspective for them. Noooo…

  • Frank Underboob

    Schadenfreude is the most delicious of emotions.

    • handyhippie65

      but it goes right to the hips.

      • Frank Underboob

        Totally worth it.

  • maman

    In all fairness, I think that Ryan Bundy might have had a stroke. Not sure what Ammon’s excuse is.

    • Willliam Wallace

      He definitely slept in that cowboy hat

    • He done got his head runned over when he was knee-high to a jackass. Accidentally…(allegedly).

  • ibwilliamsi

    Who knew there was a Mormon Temple at the Wildlife Preserve? Seriously, I’m not happy that they might have exercised some of those Moron Covenants in a government building.

  • anna rampage

    Hello, earth to Capt Obvious, you gave up many of your constitutional rights when you attempted to overthrow the our govt….

    • GrannysKnitting

      you assume his grasp of cause and effect is intact – I’m not sure he got schooled in that

  • fawkedifiknow

    As my parochial school teacher always said, “The family that crimes together spends time together – in separate but equal cells.”

  • Anita Ledford

    Send them large childrens underwear! The kind with Disney characters. Princess ones would be great.

    • marecek21

      AND snacks.

      • handyhippie65

        hell no! little debbies are like gold in jail. send’em something like free range, organic vegan sawdust chips.

        • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

          Packets of unflavored, unsweetened instant oatmeal it is, then.

    • Brian O’Connell

      Footie pajamas! Like what Ralphie wore in A Christmas Story,

      • handyhippie65

        i want one! those were the best part of being a kid. but not the ones with the flap. too drafty.

  • BeachBum

    Ok, so I’m confused. They do want the guvmint to give them these rights, but they don’t want the guvmint. Isnt it no guvmint equals no rights ?

    • yyyaz

      Guvmint needs to realize that Big Sky Dog’s laws are bigger and get to work doin’ His bidness. For them.

    • marecek21

      Your first mistake is that, as an inhabitant of the reality- and rationality-based realm, you automatically assume that such things exist for the Bungle gang.

  • MarkInCA

    ((reads article))….((shakes head)))…((reads article again))…((shakes head again))

    • James Christopher Owen

      Just in case anyone was still a bit dubious about the old adage that truth is stranger than fiction – here ya go.

  • Tell them they can have their guns, a week after the rest of their wing gets theirs.

  • If they think the MCDC is way harsh, wait till they get to the big house. Boy howdy.

    • John Smith

      They will be Stormfront’s bitches before the first day is over!

    • TrumpsAlterEgo

      They’ll be in FED – His butt will remain reasonably safe . . But that mouth . .

  • URQ196

    Gawd, just put these people in prison, no need for a trial as the evidence against them was already presented by them. Don’t forget to seize their assets.

    • Quercus

      But think of how much fun the trial will be!

      • James Christopher Owen

        Wonder how much the good seats will go for?

  • JurisGal

    “Yes, they are complaining that jail is a lot like … jail”
    Things like this are why I love Wonkette so.

    • Delu

      It’s pretty much accurate here though.

      When an absurd tongue in cheek line like that perfectly describes the situation with these asshats it says a lot about the asshats and the country they live in.

  • GrannysKnitting

    hmmm, what a special little snow flake this person seems to be. Although, the pic at the top makes it look like he’s had a stroke, or bells palsy – should we be making fun of the handicapped? Whoops – forgot where I was … ;)

    • harryeagar

      Looks deceive. He got a love tap from one of his sovereign brethren. Those guys take their personal space seriously

    • H0mer0

      we don’t make fun of the physically, intellectual or psychologically handicapped, just the willfully stupid.

    • handyhippie65

      i think it’s just a big wad of ‘baccy. gotta have something nasty to spit, or it’s not cool.

    • Jewels

      Apparently he was run over by a car as a young child.

      No idea what his father or brother’s excuse might be.

  • Capt.Jim

    Sorry crooked face no gunz for you.You are not of sound mind so you do not qualify for that right. Just think in about 7 months there will be a Constitutional Lawyer fresh out of work who prolly will not take your case but you could ask,hell it would be no more stupider than any other of your wants.

  • “I cannot participate in religious activities and temple covenants, and wear religious garments.”

    Dude is demanding his rights to his magic Mormon undies, LOL.

    • Marcus

      Is that what’s he’s referring to? I thought the Bundy idea of “religious garments” meant ammo belts, holsters, and whatnot.

  • ViveLaRes

    In this case I wholeheartedly support the gubmint’s frequent and thorough search and seizure violation of Mr. Bundy’s…ummm…personal space.

    • handyhippie65

      sadly, they’re probably not that personal. they weren’t arrested for drugs.

      • Serai 1

        Whaddya wanna bet the cops who arrested them just “happened” to drop a little baggie into their stuff?

        • handyhippie65

          i doubt it. too many people watching.

  • diogenez

    The stupid is strong in this family.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Surpassed only by narcissism.

      • Sarah E. Grove

        Those two always go together. Look at Trump, for God’s sake!

  • Awwwwwww. My heart bleeds for those poor boys. NOT.

    • Land Shark

      Awww ….

  • Delu

    I’m not even sure if these guys deserve any of their “cobstitutional rights” at all.

    After all those rights were established and are upheld by the very same laws and institutions they claim to hate and have no authority over them.

    Their pocket constitutions are only recognized by them and mean jack shit overall.

    This is serious. They need to be made an example of. If ever there was a time when the law needs to come down hard on people who think they can flout it and get away with it, it is now. If they don’t do so the very credibility of having laws will be questioned and these fucktards or others like them will be emboldened to more or worse of the same shit that landed them in jail in the first place.

    It’s your call America, but don’t say you haven’t been warned.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Too much logick fer them boys.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Yes. Clearly if you are a black fella with a few crumbs of weed in your pocket you are a scofflaw and a menace to society. White guy guilty of sedition? Break out the kid gloves. “…and justice for all”, eh?

    • Marcus

      That logic also applies to their complaints about “religious accomodation”. I’m not an expert on Mormonism, but I’m pretty sure it frowns on things like stealing (e.g. grazing your cattle without paying the fees), assault (e.g. pointing guns at BLM staff), etc. Come to think of it, most “religious accomodation” issues in prison seem a bit dubious when you consider that if people actually followed their professed religion they wouldn’t be behind bars in the first place.

  • thenearesthippie

    Ryan’s pocket constitution is upside down. Might explain a few things.

    • John Smith

      The book is OK, it’s Bundy that’s upside down.

    • Sarah E. Grove

      I noticed that too. My perception of that is that ol’ Ryan knew they were taking pictures of his ugly ass, and since the title of his own self-written constitution is on the bottom half of the cover, he wanted to make sure all his stupid friends were impressed because he actually carries it around with him. (as if he EVER actually reads the real Constitution.)

  • Ducksworthy

    Did the Bundy Constitution come about when a man spoke the words into a hat?

    • Paperless Tiger

      Just don’t ask for the stones while you’re in prison.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Joseph Smith was a lot more clever than the Bundies.

      • CATMAN

        He sure was–he convinced his followers that God told him it was OK to fuck his neighbor’s teen daughter

  • John Smith

    A robe and hood all in white are not “religious garments”.

    • handyhippie65

      depends on the religion.

      • John Smith

        I was thinking Klan. Despite what the Southern Baptists think.

  • Blanche Beecham

    I’m no internet Orthopedic Doktor to the cow-folk – BUT it sure as shit looks like that kid was kicked in the head at a critical time in his development. It could be skoal/crew displasia of the mouth and gums, but a full diagnosis would require looking into his maw while he jabber-smacked more flim-flam about the man keeping him from his rights, so let’s just say he was kicked in the head and blame Daddy for not takin’ better care of his heirs.

    • Marla

      He was actually run over by a car.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Are you sure it wasn’t a truck? Carrying voting machines?

        • Kateaux

          Yeah, it was a car. And it stalled out with the wheel resting on his head. He was seven. So he at least has a plausible excuse available for his misbehaviors (there being no known excuse for his brother or for Daddy Dildonian).

        • TrumpsAlterEgo

          DRIVEN BY VINCE FOSTER!!!

          • Walter Wellstone

            IN BENGHAZI!!!1111!1!!!1!!!

  • handyhippie65

    gee whiz, you’d think he’s never been in jail before. buck up, chuck. when i was in, i shared a two man cell with four people. worst 30 days of my life, and i saw to it i never went back. the most valuable thing you possess is your freedom. the most important is self control. without one, you wont have the other for long.

  • TrumpsAlterEgo

    I enjoyed reading this immensely . .

  • Enfant Terrible

    Are they trying for an insanity defense?

  • Serolf Divad

    Shut up and make a shank out of a plastic spoon, a wash cloth and and a pepper shaker you stole from the refectory, like all the other lowlife inmates you whiny little bitch.

  • Serai 1

    I never waived that right.

    Don’t tempt the jail people, doofus.

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v123/Serai/Comment%20pics/sistine%20buffalo%20bill.jpg

  • TrumpsAlterEgo

    Wait until someone asks him to explain magnets!!

    • kareemachan

      Or tides….

  • Jukesgrrl

    How about a compromise. If Uday and Qusay really feel oppressed in jail, save the taxpayers a lot of money and offer them one-way tickets to Iraq. Let them take one suitcase full of guns and Mormon underwear each. The LDS should be happy to have some famous missionaries spreading the word of Joseph Smith in the heathen Middle East and maybe they’ll convert some Muslims.

    • Frank Underboob

      Hasn’t Iraq suffered enough from armed Americans? How about Somalia instead, seeing as how they hate gubbmints so much?

      • Iam Reading

        Perfection!

      • Juan de Fuca

        True story – first Aussie’s I ever met were in Iraq. They were pretty heavily armed also, too.

        • Frank Underboob

          Yeah, but there weren’t as many of them & the invasion wasn’t their idea. That said, our right wing asshole PM of the day, John Fucking Howard, was a simpering cheerleader for the invasion, because his popularity figures were kind of sucky at the time.

          • Juan de Fuca

            California alone has more residents than all of Australia, so of course there weren’t as many of them. Also too, I was referring to the original Iraq war that started this mess and Robert Hawke was your PM at the time, from the Labor party, and one of the longest serving PM’s in Australia’s history.

          • Frank Underboob

            Oh, you mean Bush War 1. You should’ve said.
            PS: You don’t actually need to lecture me about Australian history, seeing as I was actually here at the time.
            PPS: 8 years isn’t all that long.

          • Juan de Fuca

            But you weren’t in Iraq, or Kuwait, or Saudi with those Aussies were you? I was. I’ve even marched in a few of your ANZAC Day parades Frank – can ya believe that?
            Also, too – to be honest, I met my first Aussies in Al-Jubayl, a port city in Saudi Arabia while we were all waiting on our gear to arrive before the ground war. Memory is getting faulty with age.

            Not trying to lecture, but considering you are open about claiming long time commenters here are trolls from 4Chan, people who were commenting here long before you ever arrived (such as Marceline), and because you are fixated on a conspiracy theory about the U.S. overthrowing your government back in the 70’s, please look at it as me politely attempting to persuade you to view your own political history more openly and honestly while you help us do the same. We’re strong allies mate.

          • Frank Underboob

            Oh for gods sake, you are so full of shit. Why are you so incredibly invested in denying well-documented history?
            The US is infamous for fucking with other other Western nations, so your denials are ludicrous. And bonus bullshit points for thinking that your several years of military experience in my country somehow invests you with greater expertise of Australian political history than someone who was born here.
            Honestly, you’re like a canonical example of the stereotypical, arrogant Yank idiot.

          • Juan de Fuca

            And bonus bullshit points for thinking that your several years of military experience in my country somehow invests you with greater expertise of Australian political history than someone who was born here.

            Well, there are millions of people born here in America who don’t know their own political history. I think I’m a junkie for it – the honest version. Facts and stuff. Not questioning someone and having them reply with, “It’s all in Wikileaks!! Read it! The CIA didn’t like Whitlam, ergo, had him sacked by Aussies who didn’t like him either because he broke the law!”

          • Frank Underboob

            Also, too – you’re not representative of any Aussie that I met during the seven years that I lived down there. Not by a long shot. Met a couple like you but not many.

            LOL. No, I don’t imagine that you would’ve met a lot of politically active Lefties here while you were working in the American military, at a military base. Funny how that works, eh? Just so you know, Seppo military aren’t all that popular over here with the Left, so you would’ve been in very much of an echo chamber, politically speaking.
            And son, I gave you the facts, but you chose to ignore them. Because in your world, apparently, Manning never leaked those diplomatic cables to Wikileaks.

          • Juan de Fuca

            Just so you know, Seppo military aren’t all that popular over here with the Left, so you would’ve been in very much of an echo chamber, politically speaking.

            Oh, my feelings. You called me a seppo. Ya burned me with your slur, Frank.

            So, no – didn’t live on a base, actually lived in a small Aussie town with the locals and daughter went to an Aussie school even. Became quite involved with the new culture and even became occasional surf mates with Taj Burrow’s parents.

            I asked you for the facts supporting your claim about the CIA and you provided zilch, Frank. “Go check Wikileaks” means you don’t have anything to support your conspiracy theory and that’s all it is – we can link back to that thread if you like?

            Also too, the town I lived in had plenty of lefties – just not too many such as yourself. And if you’re so high on lefties, why’d you accuse Marceline of being a 4Chan troll as she is a well known lefty here? Is she too lefty for ya?

          • Frank Underboob

            Sure, because small rural towns near military bases are such cosmopolitan places. And I linked you to the relevant cables, son, along with all the other info – I didn’t just tell you to check Wikileaks. But hey, I get that when your career is with the US military, you aren’t going to buck the official government narrative, are you?

            Also too, the town I lived in had plenty of lefties

            LOL, no. I’ve known many people from small country towns near military bases, & one thing they don’t have is lefties – anyone at all lefty gets the fuck out of them the second they’re able to. But I guess to you, anyone who’s critical of the military counts as a lefty. In the cities, there are many, many people like me. We’re the ones who vote for the Greens, for example.

          • Juan de Fuca

            Dude, you’re allowed to move the goalposts, but don’t take them out of the stadium and try to stuff them into the fucking dumpster.

          • Frank Underboob

            Mate, you’re the one trying to claim that my political views are rare in my country. You don’t get to bitch about the goalposts being moved when you’re the one who moved them.
            And now that you’ve brought the topic up, it’s worth mentioning that you keep on changing the subject, rather than addressing any of my points.

          • Juan de Fuca

            Aussie political views are actually reasonably close to our own in America, outside of firearm regulations but Aussies love guns also, too. Not nearly as obsessed as many here in America are. Your conspiracy theory is indeed rare to come across in OZ. It just is, Frank. I posted links to you by other Aussie writers who said as much and you replied with, “read Wikileaks!” I replied that I had and you called me an asshole or something, basically. Something similar, don’t care – nothing’s personal on the Internet.

            I believe that I addressed every single point you raised re. the CIA conspiracy theory about America building a rabbit proof fence in your country and putting Whitman in it. I asked before if you wanted to link to that thread. If you insist on claiming I didn’t respond to your points, link to it mate. I’m not redoing that entire thing. Wife is calling me to get to bed and in her words, there are two types of people in this World – those who talk about going to bed early and those who go the fuck to sleep.

            Stop calling locals here 4Chan trolls. Don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing. Later.

          • Frank Underboob

            Aussie political views are actually reasonably close to our own in America, outside of firearm regulations but Aussies love guns also, too.

            I love the way you think you know political views in my country better than I do. BTW, we outlawed most guns here in ’93.

            Your conspiracy theory is indeed rare to come across in OZ. It just is, Frank.

            Outside of military towns? Um, no. And when were you last here, son?

            I posted links to you by other Aussie writers who said as much

            You posted one link to an article in a right-wing propaganda rag that’s owned by Rupert Murdoch. You might recall him – he’s the same commie-hating Koch style nutjob who owns Fox News, & became an American citizen many years ago. He was also baying for Whitlam’s blood at the time, strangely enough, & contributed greatly to Whitlam’s loss in the subsequent election.

            I believe that I addressed every single point you raised re. the CIA conspiracy theory about America building a rabbit proof fence in your country and putting Whitlam in it.

            What? Now you’re yammering about a rabbit proof fence? Do you use Crocodile Dundee or something as your source for ‘Australian’ idioms?

            Stop calling locals here 4Chan trolls.

            Unless you’ve had to dump a previous Disqus account, I’ve been here longer than you have, son, & I’ll call ’em as I see ’em.

          • Juan de Fuca

            I don’t believe for one second that I know more about Oz than you, of course I don’t. I obvs don’t know nearly as much as someone born there but that isn’t to say I don’t know anything about it. It’s sort of like you commenting on an American politics blog – none of us criticize you for doing so or tell you you don’t know what your talking about because you’re not from here. You know a lot about America.
            I tend to think I know something about Australia, for example that many Aussies do in fact like firearms, own them and often fire them at your shooting club ranges. I’ve had several Aussie mates who were gun owners. I wish we regulated them similar to how you all do. We could learn a lot from Australia.

          • Frank Underboob

            It’s sort of like you commenting on an American politics blog – none of us criticize you for doing so or tell you you don’t know what your talking about because you’re not from here.

            Actually, I get yelled at or sneered at a lot by Americans for being a dirty furriner commenting on American politics, when they discover that I’m Australian. So much so that I have this strip pinned on my main social media profile to ever so subtly explain why I involve myself in American politics:
            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d5be45f5af78c114c23792ff3cfde4616805ad74a18b217823d40d9c0193e57d.gif

          • Frank Underboob

            For example, here’s one of the comments I got here, maybe half an hour ago: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1ac3357b3b0745a1a6611b5e32c7d249d853468c39e8a2789230d52db7a9abd3.png

          • Juan de Fuca

            Well Frank,
            Considering the way you’ve been mocking me for daring to suggest I might know a little something about Australia, having lived there for close to a decade, I found Jenny’s comment pretty funny. Turnabout being fair play, and seeing how you like dishing it out – I’m sure you can take it! ;)

            For the most part, I believe the commenters here have treated you very well.

          • Frank Underboob

            You really don’t get why I find it offensive when someone who’s lived here as an ex-pat in a rural army town for less than a decade has the nerve to lecture me – a 50 YO, capital city dwelling native, about how most people here think? Do you think a native New Yorker would be impressed by a lecture from an Australian who’d spent a decade in a Kansas farming town telling him what all Americans think?
            And of course I’m not bothered by Jenny’s comment, I was merely using it as the latest example (out of about a half dozen in the last day or so) disproving your claim that people here don’t give me shit for being a dirty furriner commenting on American politics, because they most definitely do.

          • Juan de Fuca

            Lecture? Hmm, good point. I could understand why you find that offensive as I imagine it probably comes across like an Aussie from Melbourne, AUS, lecturing Americans on a U.S. blog about the ill’s of the Clinton family and why we yanks shouldn’t support them, lecturing our female commenters on what feminism means, accusing other longtime commenters of being trolls, etc. Does it come across like that? Because if so, I apologize Frank.

            What I meant to say is that people such as yourself aren’t representative of most Aussies that I’ve known as they weren’t pretentious know-it-alls who love rubbing other people’s shit in their own face and go around the shire spreading conspiracy theories, blaming the U.S. for every thing wrong with Australia. That’s what I meant to say. The fact that you seem to believe the only real Aussies are “the city dwellers”, as you put it, goes back to the pretentious part. I guess from your Ivory tower, the only real Aussies live in Melbourne?

            One additional thing – you’re only 50? You were 9 at the time of the Whitlam thing and you’re lecturing me about not knowing anything about it because I wasn’t there at the time? LMFAO. Dude, I was 11 or 12 when Iran-Contra happened and you are more than welcome to share with me what you know about that, as I learned most of what I know about it from school and Google searches much later on. The same way you learned about the Whitlam deal, if you’re 50.

            Also, too and I am lecturing now, here’s one thing I learned about living in different countries Frank – give respect, get respect. Not only in different countries as I actually learned that from living in Hawaii, but same thing applies across the board. I’m lecturing because you don’t seem to get that basic fucking fact of life. I didn’t move to your country acting like a know-it-all yank, but you definitely came here acting like a know-it-all Aussie. That was a lecture.

            9 years old when the Whitman thing went down and acting like nobody else but you should have an opinion on the matter, calling longtime commenters troll’s and just a few minutes ago lecturing snarkoff (a female commenter) on what being a feminist means. Whether you agree or disagree with her comment, and to paraphrase your own comment to her, who in the hell are you to lecture a woman about anything even closely related to feminism? Pro tip – stay out of that one, as fellow male.

            Nah mate, most of the Aussies I knew were nothing like you. Consider that a lecture. Done with ya. In reference to your comment above re. deep voice inflection “I’ve been commenting here longer than you, no you haven’t. Been posting as Juan de Fucku for about two years or more, because apparently that means something to you . I took a break and restarted my account, in case you missed it above because again, it obviously means something to you.

          • Lynn A Myers

            Nice try but you will never win a discussion with Frank (I speak from experience).

          • Frank Underboob

            People do sometimes turn my views around, but not by making shit up. (I’m referring to this thread, BTW, not whatever it was you & I were discussing.)

          • kareemachan

            But you get to lecture.

            How precious.

          • Frank Underboob

            What I meant to say is that people such as yourself aren’t representative of most Aussies that I’ve known

            No kidding. You worked at an American military base in rural Australia. Most of the Australians you knew would’ve been about as representative of the rest of the country as the fine folk of Possumlick Arkansas would be of the USA.
            I’m not going to bother with the rest of your ‘points’, because we’ve already been over them a dozen times, & I’ve already shown that they’re all either irrelevant, or just plain wrong. But bless your heart anyway, son.
            Nice rant, BTW, It’ll be going in my Copypasta file with the rest of the collection. ;)

          • kareemachan

            You say “of course I don’t” then keep on yammering.

            You should listen to yourself. It’s hilarious.

          • kareemachan

            What a special snowflake you are.

          • Juan de Fuca

            Grazie!

    • Iam Reading

      Middle East Mormons?!?!?! No fucking way that ends well.

      • bp.cokenhagen

        Nah, they god God, they’ll be fine. There is a lot of God competition over there though, you might be right.

    • jw

      I laughed for 5 minutes at “Uday & Qusay”…

  • Blank Ron

    This bids fair to be the funniest thing I will read all week.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    Am I crossing the line in asking WTF is wrong with Ryan Bundy’s face?

    • Quercus

      His head was run over with a car when he was a kid.

  • bookish

    Tragic. Screw them.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

  • Master Contrail Program

    Toilet whine, or toilet wine? It’s tough to be a constitution lovin’ patriot these days.

  • Zhu Bajie

    I’d be willing to bet Utah jails and prisons are full of Mormons.

    • Wandering Scout

      You should look at Ryan Bundy’s rap sheet in Utah. It’s a mile long and he rarely got anything other miniscule fines even after repeated offenses. I honestly wonder if being a Mormon good ol’ boy had something to do with that.

      • Skeptical_thinker

        Take a look at the comments on sltrib.com for general confirmation of your theory.

  • Left Coast Tom

    The guy’s wearing a black hat, he’s clearly a bad guy. Why the hell would anyone let him have a gun?

  • Iam Reading

    These two may actually be deficient, mentally. Clearly under and miseducated, but that doesn’t completely explain their lack of lucidity. Of course mormon fundamentalism isn’t helping

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      They were home schooled. That is all I’m going to say.

      • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

        Home-schooling in isolation would do it.

        • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

          Home-schooling from idiots in isolation would do it.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    Bundy Cows: Excellent! Our plans are working out perfectly.
    That’s what they deserve for making our dear Dad into beef jerky.

  • cmb

    In or out of jail, their constitutional rights are being stomped on by the feds.

    Looks to me like they’re just stupid whiny bitches.

    • bp.cokenhagen

      Good thing the FOUNDERS weren’t whiny bitches too or we’d all be speaking…. err no wait. Shit.

      • cmb

        WTF?!?

        There is no historically accurate way to compare these RW tools of the 1%’ers (esp. the extraction industries) to the Founders, you ignorant home-schooled/unedu8caed wingnut.

        • doktorzoom

          Hi! This is Wonkette. We make jokes here. Stay a while, you might like it!

          — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

          • Sarah E. Grove

            Thanks Dok. Woe be the people who come here without a sense of humor!

  • Walter Wellstone

    He’s being victimized by tranny. Give him back his libety!

  • CATMAN

    Looking at Ryan and his daddy its obvious that the stupid gene was passed on–since he is acting as his own lawyer, he doesn’t have anyone to explain to him that jail inmates do not have certain rights so he has to depend on his limited brainpower

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Dropping the soap in a gun-free shower could be dangerous. And they’re already loosened up from all those dildos so, just sayin’.

    • bp.cokenhagen

      Oh, those showers are NOT gun-free….

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        An indeterminate number of [money] shots were fired.

      • Gregory Brown

        “This is my rifle, this is my gun/This is for fighting, this is for fun.”

  • obamafone

    There are huge numbers of people in jail who probably shouldn’t be there. Maybe they won’t find out about what the Bundy’s are trying to do? We can hope not.

  • elpinche
  • James Christopher Owen

    Part of me weeps for the pandemic of dumbass that has swept our land. Part of me marvels at how it has reached the level of performance art.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      Part of me wants to give these clowns a swift kick in the ass (with votes)

    • folderol

      I was just thinking about this on the drive home! But it’s not just the US– France, Britain, Australia, Israel… you name it! All whacking out right-wing style!

      I seriously wonder if global pollution hasn’t dumbed us down. We’re hurtling ever faster toward extinction as each brain cell dies.

    • lurch394

      Your comment and picture make me nostalgic for the 80s. Cuing Spandau Ballet.

  • bp.cokenhagen

    “Well, Ryan, there was this truck when you were a kid, and it made you dumb as sh!t. And also messed up your face. Also God hates you and you’re going to jail for a long time.”

  • Yep.

    waydaminnit. White males aren’t supposed to go to prison!

  • Melinda Killie

    Oh Ryan…., “Wah, Wah, Wah.” You are in jail, doofus……. What were you expecting? A butler and a 12 course dinner? What a dumbass you Bundy clowns are… ROTFLMAO!

  • Goposaur

    that’s some mil-spec, industrial grade dumbassery there. surely he’s just trolling. right?

  • phoenix00
    • Quercus

      Is this aimed at Wonkette non-commenters? Or Bundys?

      • phoenix00

        AOT,K

        (more Bundys and the hoofwanking bunglecunts that support them, but I thought it was worth mentioning to everybody here)

        • Miaren Crowsdaughter

          Hoofwanking bunglecunts. I’m going to try to remember that one for future use. :D

          • phoenix00

            eh, I take no credit for that, I also learned that off the fellow Wonketariats.

    • Marcus

      A more appropriate Miranda warning for Vanilla ISIS would be “You have the right to remain silent, if you choose to give up that right, you’re probably going to bore me to death, so just shut up.”

      • mardam422

        I like “Vanilla ISIS”. Can I use that?

        • Marcus

          Eh, I stole it from somebody; you steal it from me; it’s all part of the Circle of Life.

      • André Philipps

        Eh, let’s shorten it: “You have the righ to remain silent, and for the love of god, please use it.”

  • LADY MABELINE

    I am surprised they didn’t mention their right to vote for tRump is being impeded.

  • Aquaria

    Good grief, dirt has a 200 IQ next to these cretins.

    • revenant

      we used to call people this stupid “3D”, which stands for Dumber Dan Dirt

  • The Bundies have achieved an epic level of stupid. Even a narcissist and a psychopath are able to understand that there are rules that they have to contend with. Narcissists and psychopaths are able to manipulate people in order to get the things they want regardless of rules. I guess that rules out those diagnoses for these boys. They are just plain stupid.

    United Fucking States of Fucking Stupid

  • Aquaria

    “My Second Amendment rights are being violated. I never waived that right.”

    Newsflash for ya, cupcake. You waived that right when you chose to be arrested for being traitorous filth rather than doing society a favor and turning one of your many guns on yourself.

    So now you can just sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

    • edith prickly

      Consequences, how do they work???

  • SadDemInTex

    I just cannot laugh at these horrible people. I want something really really nasty to happen to them.

    • Ants In My Eyes Johnson

      In the meantime, OD’ing on Schadenfreude at their self-righteous indignation over discovering that being in jail is not like being on a vacation at a resort will have to do.

    • Marcus

      But something really really nasty DID happen to them — they don’t get to roam free around their home Cowliphate or play with their high-caliber phallo-prostheses! Didn’t you read the story?

      • SadDemInTex

        Every bit of press coverage gives their insane ideas more and more reality and importance.

  • Steven Posey

    Bet he really wishes he hadn’t thrown out the drums of sex jelly that got mailed in during their bird sanctuary freedom tantrum.

  • OneDemin EOr

    Poor Ryan, whining out of his sideways pie hole. Well, gosh golly gee-whiz, if you don’t like jail, you sure as hell won’t like prison.

    • lurch394

      We really shouldn’t make fun of his appearance. He can’t help that. He could have made himself less ignorant, though.

      • OneDemin EOr

        “Nasty, vile little snark mob”. Sound familiar?
        Thanks to those asshats, and others like him, in my county, we recently had to have 158 Dems change affiliation to Republican to vote and make sure another idiot Sovereign Citizen did not end up as one of our three County Commissioners. The frickin’ chair (who is already one of those wack-a-doodles), has already vowed to do all he can to “wrest control of federal lands and bring them under county control”. Not state control, under his control.
        I live 200 miles from the Malheur refuge. Some days, making fun of this fucker’s looks is all that is keeping me out of jail.

  • Leah White

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!tc460urtwo days ago grey MacLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !tc460u:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsShieldGetPay-Hour$98…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!tc460u….,…

    • Master Contrail Program

      No, no Leah.

      The Drumpf Dating thread is over there————>

      <——— And the Christian Tinkle thread is over there.

    • Skeptical_thinker

      “my room mate Lori Is getting laid on the internet $98/hr”

      FIXED!

      • Macbill

        Not everyone can do web porn….

        • anna rampage

          I don;t know, there’s a lot of people out there wit some pretty funky fetishes….

        • hexcalibur

          That is a libellous lie, and I am the living proof! I think what you meant is, “Not everyone can make money doing web porn….” Of that, alas, I am also the living proof.

  • pixeloid

    Holy shitballs these Ranch Stupidians are imbeciles!

    • Benjamin Eugene NElson

      I agree but even then this article is rather smug and douchey as well. Hope this isn’t pretending to be actual news…

      • pixeloid

        Is this your first time on Wonkette? They describe themselves as a “nasty vile little snark mob” for a reason.

      • kalpal

        Ryan has trouble masturbating without a gun in his bed and that is the problem.

      • Thaag Tidestalker

        Are you expecting us to be holding each others’ vaginas and singing kum ba ya or something?

      • BumpIt McCarthy

        Until the actual news stops being so smug and douchey, this is no mere pretense, my good man!

      • Gregory Brown

        Thou art an innocent, venturing into this hive of snarkation. Flee, while there is still time!

        • lurch394

          That’s “whilst.”

          • Gregory Brown

            Whilst, indeed.

      • Sam Smith

        These RWNJs deserve all the douchery and smuggness they get – and then some.

      • kareemachan

        Go away, Thiel.

        • Benjamin Eugene NElson

          I’m sorry, did I hurt the circlejerk here? My bad.

      • Lizernst

        No one has ever accused Wonkette of being smug and doouchey before! Of course it’s real news.

      • thewitchqueen74

        You must be new…

    • Gregory Brown

      I salute thee for “Ranch Stupidians!”

      • mardam422

        What he said. That’s gold!!

    • André Philipps

      I just love all the names people have come up for for these clowns.

      Ranch Stupidians,Yokel Haram, Y’all Queda, Vanilla ISIS etc.

      • pixeloid

        Vanilla ISIS was my favorite until I heard Ranch Stupidians.

        • Frank Underboob

          I like “White ISIS” as a blanket term for all white, redneck terrorists.

      • phoenix00

        I’ll stick with Hoofwanking Bunglecunts

  • kalpal

    Let him the guns without bullets and warn him that if he threatens anyone with them he may be summarily executed.

  • Penny Dreadful.

    Relevance Deprivation Syndrome.
    Oh, and Evan Hurst: Bless your heart too. Thanks for the fun read.
    I’m a first time visitor.

    • edith prickly

      Welcome! The First Rule of Wonkette is that comments are not allowed.

      • Sarah E. Grove

        . . . except from smart people!

        • kareemachan

          No, not even then. They’d have to allow everybody to get Participation Trophies….

          • Frank Underboob

            LIEbrul Participation Trophies!

    • thewitchqueen74

      Evan is the best :)

  • Gregory Brown

    “They done took mah shootn’ irons! Waaaaahhh!”

  • Gregory Brown

    When I was a reporter in the late ’70s I covered one of these geniuses as he took a trip to the IRS offices to ‘splain to them how the fringe means it’s an admiralty flag, and corporate personhood and sovereign right not to pay taxes to the non-existent government, etc., etc., blah blah blah. The non-existent government put him in non-existent federal prison. The stupid goes way back, people.

  • bubbuhh

    The Bundy Boys belongs to a cherch which requires them to wear a blest garmint. No not THAT religiun. No Jew beenies either. They gotta wear concealed carry guns as the holey scritcher says. They knows this cause there Daddy tole them and tole them. He showed them on the internet, too. Sides, jails ain’t safe. They gummint agents all over the place and perverts tryin to get close to theys prvate parts which is easy what with the party showers and open terlits.

    They got no choice but to sue the gubmint for the god given right to freely exert they religun and take theys gud given right to bear arms and hide them, too while speakin their mind like the free natcherul mens they be. ay men.

  • chascates

    Here is part of yesterday’s NPR interview with a fellow Mormon rancher/gummit hater:
    You know that bunch of Beatles that come ashore in the ’60s – that’s probably before your day, wasn’t it? – and had that long hair on them?
    That’s the same bunch of buggers who spit on our people coming out of Vietnam – that – they’re the hippies. They’re – what they’ve turned into is that bunch of environmentalist. They don’t want to work. They don’t believe in God. They’d like to take every right we got.
    That’s who we’re actually fighting with. They’ve indoctrinated and got into this BLM and Forest Service. A lot of them are right in the head positions now.

    http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=479183333#

    • anna rampage

      I hope they opened the segment with a portion of Dueling Banjos…..

    • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

      Some of my classmates in grad school were Mormons, and they were smart. Did I come across the few non-wacko Mormons in the world?

      • chascates

        I think these anti-government types are the minority.

      • Linda Hill

        Did you actually listen to Mitt Romney? Read some books on the cult. They are a dreadful religion. They didn’t even allow black people to join the church until they were threatened with losing their tax exempt status. Their true belief system is sexist and elitist. Years ago during the first Depression they refused to assist non-Mormons in any way.

  • Jerry

    So, now I have to decide. Are these guys totally dedicated performance artists who have really gone some serious extra miles to put on this brilliant bit of satire? Or are they sincere and it really is possible to fit that much stupid into one head and still remember to breathe?

  • anna rampage

    Earth to Capt Obvious, Um you give up most of your rights when you commit the crime of taking up arms against our democratically elected govt….

  • Susan Preiss

    This is good news for criminals – both incarcerated and still roaming free – everywhere. You go for it, my man. Be the poster child for prison reform. I double dog dare you.

  • Sarah E. Grove

    I’m laughing again. Just how stupid do you have to be to have the last name “Bundy?”

  • cessnadriver

    Ammonoboy the goat buggerer just got hisself a brand spanking new momo-boy attorney!

    Odds are 10/1 the new guy will sniff Ammonoboy’s magic undies.

  • Perry Chamberlain

    Mellon Boy.

  • ConnieHinesDorothyProvine

    I propose that he only gets to have his guns if he promises to “prove” how safe they are by loading them, pointing them at his head, and pulling the trigger.

    What’s with that face that he’s making in the photo?

    • Beatrix Muircastle

      when he was 7 a car ran over his head and he’s had severe nerve damage since.

      • Linda Hill

        And perhaps just the slightest bit of brain damage as well?

        • UpstateNYObserver

          Not enough though.

        • Beatrix Muircastle

          that is extermly likely. his actions alone make me think he might qualify for a diminished capacity plea. being brain damaged and raised by a narcisstic racist parent I doubt that he understands his actions or why he was wrong. its sad but the dudes in jail cause his dad filled his head up with crap about being a martyer and you can do anything you want cause its a free country. but then most of our prisons are filled with people that have mental issues.

  • WIDTAP

    “Oh, and they need Facebook, because #Reasons. They say it’s to gather “evidence” that will help in their case,”

    Ok, just a reminder, Ryan, “You should know that evidence is not stuff printed from the internet.” Judge Charles Marginis to Orly Taitz.

  • Paul M. Dickey

    I agree with you on every count. However, I do not think anyone should disparage another persons religious beliefs.

    • CATMAN
    • UpstateNYObserver

      Why not? Especially when the individuals involved have so corrupted any sort of reasonable approach to religion that shaming and mocking is really the only thing we’ve got. Not one of these bozos is worth thimble full of warm spit and trying to hid behind their “faith” has not more validity than Isis’s attempts at normalizing insanity within Islam.

      • UpstateNYObserver

        Also, we really need to realize that when religion is so corrupted that its used as the excuse for thugs like Bundy that aspect of religiosity just became a very real public menace and should be treated as such.

        • BradCerenzia

          I’d also add that folks like me, non-religious, are absolutely as entitled to express an opinion about the dangers to society of superstitious gullibility as the religious are to express their opinion about me and my reality-based lifestyle. There is nothing special about “faith” that makes it a one-way street of opinion.

    • Jewels

      Uh… Yeah.

      Do you have any idea how stupid you just sounded? Or did you just not stop and think that sentiment through fully?

      I will respect your right to *have* religious beliefs. But respect the beliefs themselves? *Hell* no. I’m not going to respect the belief that you *have* to beat your kids and break their will. I will not respect the belief in the need to tell your infant and toddler that s/he is a disgusting sinner, worthy only of death every single day. I will not respect the belief that sticking your dick between a toddler’s thighs is acceptable as long as you wait until they’re 9 or 10 to have sex. I won’t respect the belief that cutting off a girl’s clitoris and sewing her vagina shut is the way to go.

      Perhaps *you* think those – the first two are Christian, the second being Muslim – beliefs deserve respect. I do not. Being “sincerely held” doesn’t make it right – or okay. (And yes, I can provide links for all of them.)

  • melina1222

    What are these “religious garments” he’s harping on about?

    • eliamias

      He’s Mormon. I first heard of them with the Romney race in 2012.

    • CATMAN
      • melina1222

        Thanks for the definition. Much to my embarrassment, I never realized they were Mormons. I was too busy laughing at the “care packages” they were being sent before they surrendered.

        My favorite items in these: a Learn to Crochet kit, The Ultimate Survival Guide for Kids, and a book called Oregon Wine Country.

        • eddi

          They are Mormons like Daesh is Moslem.

    • pixeloid

      Secret magic underwear EXPOSED!
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEPv4VEeYUo

      • sford713

        Wow, could that guy not stop stuffing his face while he’s talking. Is this the John Kasich hour or what?

      • Frank Underboob

        Shout out to my homeboy John Saffran!

    • FranktheMc

      Mormons wear some magic undies. Believe me, that’s not the wackiest things Mormons do.

  • bansheebaby

    The Mormon part of this story is important because Mormons believe they live in the Kingdom of Deseret, not the United States of America. They believe they are not subject to our laws and in fact, the US and the Mormons have been more or less at war since they invented themselves.

    • Russell

      Uh… as a mormon I can tell you that’s not true.

      This guy’s an idiot but his idiocy has nothing to do with his religious beleifs and more to do with his stupid ideas about law.

      • bansheebaby

        I’m glad you brought it up. I’ve met a lot of Mormons who don’t strictly believe or follow the history and practices of the Mormon religion and honestly they’re a lot nicer than the ones who do. Also, the Mormon powers that be (the prophets and more importantly the Bank ) have changed Mormon history several times to reflect more modern beliefs and to cover up their history of violence and bigotry. This is, of course, not unique to the Mormons, all religions do it. BUT if you go read the history you are going to find those lies and cover ups and frankly it’s undeniable that Mormons and the US government have been at war since the Mormon religion began because it defines itself in part by being apart from everyone else. It thrives on being an outsider at war with the rest of the world. Again, I’ve met a lot of Mormons who don’t believe these things, but they are going against what the religion has traditionally stood for.

        • bansheebaby

          And to be completely fair, yes, the Bundy’s are idiots.

  • Lizard

    The Bundy’s are like a live, 3D cartoon.

  • Christopher Boscarino

    Please, we must make #GiveTheBundysBackTheirPanties happen on twitter. Please.

    • Jewels

      I could get behind that.

      Wonder if they were at least allowed to keep their dildoes?

  • CATMAN

    Their freedom of association is also being violated by being forced to associate with those Neeegros in the slammer

    • pixeloid

      Their daddy can tell you all about the negroes.

    • phoenix00

      One should really exercise our freedom to stick him into solitary?

  • DutchS

    Just replace Ammon and Ryan Bundy with the Fashionable Political Prisoner of the Day and imagine how this same site would deal with it. The Feds shot at him? Trigger-happy goons. His Constitutional rights are being violated? Well of course, what did you expect from the prison-industrial complex? They’ve been charged with Federal crimes? Well, innocent until proven guilty, so nyahhh.

    • Lynn A Myers

      Incorrect.

    • Jgb979

      Except for the hypothetical straw man example hasn’t happened.

      These guys actually went to war with the US government over the right to mooch off federal property and lost.

    • aGuyInOregon

      “Fashionable Political Prisoner of the Day”? Such as….?

    • Frank Underboob

      * The idiot pointed a gun at the Feds. We only get het up when the cops kill unarmed people.
      * The Bundy fuckheads’ constitutional rights haven’t been violated.
      * They publicly announced their Federal crimes & even live-streamed them on the Internet, so we know they’re guilty.

  • NotConvinced

    Are the brothers going to be allowed conjugal visits? Will they make an exception? This would make a great gay porn film. Giddy up. Yeeee Hawwwww.

    • Jewels

      Now who’s going to pay for the counseling I’ll need after the mental trauma you just caused?!

      (Note: I have equal parts objection to and interest in gay sex in and of itself – namely, none. But the idea of those two idiots doing it…faaaack! They’d probably have to ask Daddy for instructions!)

  • NotConvinced

    Here’s the working title of that movie : Bundy Bros. Go To The Big House.

  • Lark_in_the_AM

    That boy’s about 10 I.Q. points short of a cow pat.

    • phoenix00

      BULLSHIT LIBELZ!?!?!

      (wait a min what am I saying?)

      • eddi

        You’re right. Manure serves a useful purpose on a farm.

  • Kenneth Henderson

    There is stupid, and then there is Ryan Bundy stupid……

  • Jack Taylor

    what a dumb looking dude.

    • eddi

      Honestly, his face is the only thing that is not his fault. Serious damage from a childhood accident.

  • Elliott

    also too, Bundy, ES&D

  • Jgb979

    But did they say both the entity and person of Ryan Bundy was prohibited from having guns?? Did no one check the stripe of the jail US flag to see if the gold meant they were an admiralty court?

    I thought the magic of sovereign citizenship meant “I get to pick and choose which laws I follow”

    So I swear I was only trying to find what’s up with his face when the googles let me know http://thatoregonlife.com/2016/01/ryan-bundy-is-single-and-ready-to-mingle-according-to-dating-profile/

    He’s a ? Of a different color
    ???

    • eddi

      I missed that one. Ew.

    • Snap!

      Whoa..blimey! what an utter wanker.

  • Snap!

    BWAHAA..this is hilarious! how stupid are these ding-dongs!

    • eddi

      How deep is the hole they are digging for themselves? Both just keep getting lower every time OPB or OregonLive here run another article of their wacky hijinks.

      • Suzuki Nathie

        Oh, they probably dug a deep hole with those dildos they got.

    • singhx

      Home schooled ding-dongs, that’s how stupid!

  • bardgal

    What is wrong with Ryan’s face? Did he have a stroke?

    • eliamias

      Apparently he was run over by a truck when he was younger (I believe 7) and no snark. I read it in the comments and didn’t corroborate it elsewhere though.

      • Frank Underboob

        His idiot dad ran over his head when he was 7, yes.

        • eliamias

          Didn’t realize it was his own father. Geez, the chlorine needed in that gene pool.

          • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

            Cliven Bundy has 14 kids and 60 grandkids.

          • eddi

            I think I’m quivering.

          • eliamias

            I didn’t know that either. So they need both chlorine and a lifeguard to prevent overcrowding.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I guess I can stop wondering why the electorate is getting so stupid.

          • Frank Underboob

            So, plenty of spares if you actually kill a few by being a dipshit parent.

          • ksimms

            This is why I have no hope for the future of America. People like the Bundys and Duggars are having 14 and 19 kids not-so-respectively while Mark Zuckerberg struggles to have one.

          • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

            People like the Bundys and Duggers have a tendency to marry one another and inbreed to extinction. Zuckerberg and his wife are the ones who effed up a redwood forest so they could have a silly over the top theme wedding, which makes me okay with them not replicating.

          • ksimms

            That was Sean Parker, not Zuckerberg. Get your tech bros straight. And I rather have 1 million tech bro offspring than 2 Bundys who can’t figure out why they can’t have their guns in prison.

          • Michael Kelley

            “idocracy””

          • FranktheMc

            All those progressives in one family!

        • ksimms

          In Cliven’s defense, most of the damage occurred when he backed up. The second time.

          • Frank Underboob

            Didn’t he park on his head as well?

Previous articleGawker Suer/Trumpkin/Libertarian Peter Thiel Is Kindest, Warmest, Most Wonderful Human Be
Next articleHawaii Gonna Grab All Your Guns And Put Them In FEMA Camps