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This copy of the Constitution came in a box of cereal
This copy of the Constitution came in a box of cereal

Welfare rancher and dipshit militia icon Cliven Bundy upped his legal game Tuesday, filing a lawsuit naming Barack Obama, Harry Reid, and U.S. District Judge Gloria Navarro, the federal judge in his Nevada criminal case, as defendants. Among other things, Bundy wants immediate release from prison, all charges against him dropped, $50 million in damages, and perhaps a shrubbery. At the very least, Bundy wants to be represented by wingnut lawyer (and Wonkette frenemy) Larry Klayman, and to have Navarro removed from the case because she’s incredibly biased against him:

“In short, defendant Navarro has shown her true intentions and bias and prejudice, rising to the level of denying Sixth Amendment right of counsel and to a speedy trial to plaintiff Bundy, following the ‘marching orders’ of her benefactors, defendants Harry Reid and Obama,” attorney Joel Hansen alleges in the complaint.

Navarro refused to grant Klayman permission to represent Bundy because Klayman currently faces disciplinary proceedings by the Washington DC Bar in an ethics case. The lawsuit paints that refusal as evidence that Navarro refuses to let Bundy mount an adequate defense. We’d say any judge who prevents Klayman from representing someone is actually doing the defendant a favor.

When Hansen handed Navarro the lawsuit Tuesday he asked Navarro to remove herself from Bundy’s criminal case, since she’s named as a defendant in the lawsuit. Navarro didn’t quite buy that claim:

The judge responded that case law doesn’t let a defendant create such a scenario.

But Navarro invited Hansen to try to identify whether her work as a prosecutor in the Clark County district attorney’s office before she was nominated to the federal bench created for her a conflict in the Bundy case. She set a May 25 date to rule whether she’ll step aside.

Yr Wonkette is Not A Lawyer, but that seems like a dubious legal strategy: Want a new judge in your criminal case? Sue the judge, and you automatically get a new one since they’re biased after you sued them! Hansen also took the opportunity to claim Bundy is a political prisoner being persecuted unjustly, exactly like Nelson Mandela.

The complaint is a glorious collection of conspiracy theories and loosely reasoned allegations tying together Obama, Reid, Harry Reid’s son, Rory Reid, and Judge Navarro in a web of intrigue and crazy. Here’s Hansen’s epic description of how the standoff between Bundy and law enforcement came about:

Bundy Complaint 1

We like that “equivalent of federal storm-troopers” bit. Also the “mercenaries” and “so called federal agents” bits. Out in Reality Land, of course, Harry Reid had nothing to do with the decision to seize Bundy’s cattle — the BLM attempted to take them because Bundy had refused to pay grazing fees for 20 years and was letting them graze on federal land that had been closed to ranching to protect habitat for the endangered desert tortoise. The lawsuit even repeats the completely debunked claim that Reid wanted to force Bundy out of business because Reid supposedly wanted to lease nearby land to a Chinese company for a solar power generating scheme.

Bundy Complaint 2

Again, in reality, while Reid’s son Rory had been negotiating with a Chinese company to set up a solar power array, the location was actually in Laughlin, Nevada, a good hundred miles away, and the deal had fallen through a year before the ranch standoff. Politifact gave the alleged Reid connection a “pants-on-fire” rating, a phrase we sort of wish had made it into a legal document as well. Then there’s that bit about Harry Reid owning “93 acres adjacent to the Bundy ranch,” which Forbes reporter JJ MacNab had no end of fun mocking on Twitter Tuesday. She points out that, yes, someone named “Reid” owns 93 acres near the Bundy ranch. But that land doesn’t belong to Harry Reid: it was owned by “Laverne Reid, an octogenarian from Bunkerville,” who’s actually a Bundy cousin, and what’s more, the title to the land had been transferred to another family well before the standoff anyway.

Reid is also accused of attempting to poison public sentiment against Bundy by calling him a “domestic terrorist” simply for being a peaceable rancher who invited a whole bunch of friends with guns to come help him defend himself from all those federal stormtroopers.

Our favorite part of the complaint cites Barack Obama’s comedy riffs at the 2014 White House Correspondents’ Dinner as evidence of Obama’s “Threatening, mocking, and disparaging” Bundy, to paint him as a racist (the complaint mistakenly says these remarks were from the 2016 dinner):

Bundy Complaint 3 -- WHCD

The complaint carefully points out that Cliven Bundy is no racist, and had in fact chosen the word “negro” as the most appropriate word after consulting a dictionary. Actual line from the complaint: “Indeed, the Reverend Martin Luther King referred to his people as ‘Negroes’ and he is recognized as the greatest African-American civil rights leader in American history.” SO THERE, OBAMA!

There’s other stuff in there too, like a bizarre chain of connections intended to show Navarro is biased. The complaint says she’s a “Latino activist” who went to law school at Arizona State university, which is in Maricopa County. Now, since Joe Arpaio is the Maricopa County Sheriff, and he’s been unjustly accused of racism just because he lost a racial profiling case, AND Arpaio and Klayman have sued Barack Obama over his executive orders granting “amnesty to over 5 million illegal aliens,” AND Arpaio supports Donald Trump’s plan to build a wall to keep out illegal aliens, then obviously Navarro is incredibly biased in favor of Obama (who appointed her to the federal bench) and against Klayman, and by extension, Bundy. And here’s the capper:

Bundy Complaint 4

It all fits together so seamlessly! After Navarro excluded Klayman from representing Bundy last month, Klayman had a fine snit over her obvious bias:

“The ruling demonstrates that the judge has an extra-judicial bias and prejudice against Cliven Bundy and his counsel, for which disqualification is required,” Klayman said. “The judge was recommended by Harry Reid and appointed by President Barack Obama, and the order wears her political allegiance on her sleeve.”

In response to the lawsuit, Sen. Reid’s office issued this statement:

reid bundy statement

Oh no. More of that “domestic terrorist” libel! Time for another lawsuit, probably, especially since Bundy’s civil suit is going to be handled by yet another accomplice of two of the defendants. The Las Vegas Review Journal notes, slyly, that

The lawsuit was randomly assigned to U.S. District Judge Jennifer Dorsey, another Obama appointee recommended by Reid.

Some of the cowflop the lawsuit threw against the wall will surely stick, and Cliven Bundy will be sprung any minute now, you bet. And his derp goes marching on.

[Oregonian / Las Vegas Review-Journal / Bundy complaint / Politifact / JJ MacNab on Twitter / Jon Ralston on Twitter

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  • Hansen then ended the brief by playing a spirited version of MMMBop?

  • Anarchy Pony

    He just wants some land to rape for personal profit, why do you liebruls hate freedumb?

  • DerrickWildcat

    LOL, he’s holding a, W. Cleon Skousen Constitution

  • Skwerl King

    Are Federal Storm-Troopers as bad of shots as Imperial Stormtroopers?

    • ManchuCandidate

      No.
      See WW1, WW2, Korean War, Vietnam, Iraq 1, Iraq 2 the Iraqying etc.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They are better shots, but “The Imperial March” is a way better theme song than “The Star Spangled Banner” so it evens out.

      • The Wanderer

        I was watching one of the Blues-Stars playoff games, and the guy that they got to sing the National Anthem – well, I’ll just say that the performance was nauseating to me, and let it go at that.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          It’s a difficult melody to sing well; not for amateurs, and not for the owners cousin Bob, or whatever.

          Why we don’t just switch to “America the Beautiful” continues to confuse me.

          • The Wanderer

            Well, the tune it’s set to (“To Anacreon in Heaven”) was a drinking song. I wonder if it sounds better if the singer’s ten sheets to the wind.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            I’m sure it does. at least to the singer.

          • GuidedAccordingly

            Not sure if it sounds any better if the singer is three sheets to the wind, but that would certainly help the listener.

          • Blank Ron

            Time for a research project!

          • kindness

            Freebird!

          • Jim Peale

            Because the SSB doesn’t (at least in the verse we all use) have any references to GAWD!

        • Little Lulu

          More info. Which night?

        • FlownOver

          Stratocaster/Marshall stack version or GTFO.

          • Caepan

            Hmph! Better be a pre-CBS Stratocaster.

            (Sits back in allegedly authentic Eaves chair, unties man bun, tries to masturbate, fails)

  • ManchuCandidate

    Domestic -existing or occurring inside a particular country; not foreign or international
    Terrorist -a person who uses terrorism in the pursuit of political aims.
    Bundy-a world class moocher domestic terrorist (not to be confused with Bundy, Al who once scored a record 4 touches for Polk High in the 1860s.)

  • This from a guy who surely complains about the litigiousness of our society.

    Dude just misses fondling the teats of his starving cows I reckon.

    • therblig

      but he luvs that sweet, warm gubmint teat sure enuf

  • SnarkOff

    Bundy pretty much represents everything I despise about this country: Stupid, hysterical, shrill, animal-abusing, selfish, badly dressed, faux-cowboy wingnut in a dumb hat.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      USAUSAUSAUSAUSA !!!

      • Creepoman

        Close enough for me – drink up!

        • Nockular cavity

          Ahem:

          • Cindyinencinitas

            I look forward to the video of the rednecks over-imbibing and throwing up America all over their double-wides.

          • Peter Witting

            liebrul elitist! Only single-wides in REAL america.

          • Left Coast Tom

            This could be the wine geek in me talking, but…

            1) I can’t believe TTB approved that idiotic label.
            2) I’m even more appalled that, having approved that idiotic label, they get to change the name back to “Budweiser” when “Budweiser” is the name of a Czech beer from Budvar and therefore should only have been allowed as a grandfathered name, once the name was dropped it shouldn’t have been allowed to be applied again.

          • Maria Eaton

            “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!ne486etwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !ne486e:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsSquareGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!ne486e….,….

    • OddMan

      Abso-fukin-lutely!
      Now Trumpf will select Cliven Bundy for Secretary of the Interior and his ‘lawyer’ Klayman as AG.
      America, Fuck yeah!

    • Blackest Noobs

      that sound exactly like my co-workers except for the animal abuse and the faux-cowboy thingy, heck even one of ’em is a lil gun crazy too.

    • borninatrailer

      You forgot racist! Remember all the things he told us he knows about “the Negro.”

  • Skwerl King

    “Forbes reporter JJ MacNab”
    I miss JJ. from Quatloos. Anyone knows where she kicks back nowadays?

  • Beowoof14

    As a rancher Bundy knows bullshit, and he is now throwing it around.

  • Spotts1701

    I’ve read more coherent pleadings from guys doing life in Sing Sing who only have access to a 20-year-old prison library.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Needs 120 handwritten pages, followed by: “Wherefore, your Petitioner prays for an order granting him damages in the amount of Ten Million Dollars ($10,000,000.00) or restoring to him all fruit and/or jello snacks withheld by the State during the fourteen (14) days he was confined to Administrative Segregation.”

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Ah, the ol’ “dazzle ’em with copious mounds of bullshit” approach to law. Really, “law” should be in scare quotes, because these days we live in tyrant Obama’s ‘Murica, where the rules are strongly codified in written guidelines and precedent, and therefore ill-eagle.

    Bundy does deserve Klayman, and a pony (of votes), shoved straight up his voting hole

    • Celtic_Gnome

      That explains it! I was wondering why the papers always refer to Defendant HARRY REID and Defendant OBAMA. Why did they mention Reid’s first name but not Obama’s? Because Cliven can’t remember what it is, because he’s always called him Tyrant Obama.

  • John Wills

    Again proof positive that there exists an endless supply of lawyers without a scintilla of self respect. Otherwise, who files this nonsense?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In a just world, this case would cut a swath of disbarments through that herd of nutjobs.

    • The Wanderer

      Upvote for ‘scintilla.’

      • I read it as “Scalia”.

      • Biff52

        Beautiful pelt, lovely coat…

  • Mimihaha

    OMYGOD he’s boring. He should be in jail just for that.

  • orygoon

    Jail is the perfect place to stew in your own derp.

  • NoGoodnik

    It tries credulous to think that these people are serious. But, the good news is, Cliven Bundy ain’t liking jail too much. Too bad, it is likely where he will die.

  • beatbort

    Hey, Cletis, why don’t you file a lawsuit against Lou Reed while you’re at it? And Jimmy Reed? And (In Memory of) Elizabeth Reed, and..

    • Steely_Fan

      Tara…?

    • The Wanderer

      John Reed and Louise Bryant?

    • Kavefish

      Don’t forget Clarinet Reed. That fink can really sing.

  • Major_Major_Major

    Stormtroopers, eh? Mercenaries, too? Damned Hessians
    http://www.jsha.org/schwalm.gif

    • Spotts1701

      Hessians with aggression?

      • Major_Major_Major

        Used as instruments of suppression

  • The Wanderer

    He can’t have a shrubbery. He must dig his way out of the jail – with a HERRING!

    • beatbort

      I say we make him dig his way out…with a dead parrot!

      • The Wanderer

        An ex-parrot?! Beautiful plumage!

        • doktorzoom

          The plumage don’t enter into it! It’s stone dead! Plus, it’s got gold fringe on it.

          • The Wanderer

            Polly want tyranny!

          • MarkM

            Constitutional tyranny…

          • borninatrailer

            “Norwegian blue” does sound pretty socialisty..

    • MarkM

      We shall continue to say “NI!” to you, if you do not appease us!”

      • The Wanderer

        Peng!

        • MarkM

          ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

          • The Wanderer

            Ni!

          • Grokenstein

            Ni! Peng! and Nee-WOM!
            (nee-wom!)

            The days before home video were a dark, desperate age. So much so that I had to set a tape recorder next to the TV–and watch for the channel breaks to flip/change the cassette–to get an audio copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail off of PBS. I played that copy ’til it broke.

      • Why am I Mr. Pink?

        “Judge, stop saying the forbidden word! She said it again! AHHH! Now I said it!! And now Sheriff Arpaio said it! And I said it again!!!”

    • folderol

      It’s time for the cushy pillows!

      • The Wanderer

        And (gasp!) The Comfy Chair!

  • Msmlg1979

    That was quite the perfect storm of batshit crazy. It has it all..paranoia, delusions, racism, completely made-up crap.

    • MarkM

      So…a typical Republican lawsuit then?

      Did Pat McCory’s legal team help draft it, I wonder?

      • Msmlg1979

        At this point, they probably have a form letter to sue Obama, and you just mad-lib in the blanks with your particular crazy.

        • Courser

          It sounds like they filled the Mad-Libs in with options from Cards Against Humanity.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          “What’s a A-ject-ivy? After yer done lookin up that N-word, I got another one fer yeh”

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Don’t forget citations from Newsmax! If they’d only referenced Faux, they coulda had a tsunami of stupid.

  • OddMan

    Damn Doc, fine analysis of this lawsuit. You took the time to actually read it and think about it. Probably more time than they did writing it.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    That’s nice. I want to win the Lottery. And live forever.

    • The Wanderer

      I want to be elected Vice-Pope.

      • Querolous

        Vice is nice.

    • Msmlg1979

      And I would have, if it hadn’t been for Harry Reid!

    • Painter of Goats

      I want to be Jean-Luc Picard’s girlfriend.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        I’d settle for being his wife in that one episode, even if it only lasted for a couple of minutes in this dimension.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Jeez…why not name Mr. Rogers, Elmo, and Willie Mays in the suit while yer at it?

    • The Wanderer

      He couldn’t draw enough links to them to name them as defendants/unindicted co-conspirators.

    • Billy Rubin

      Mr. Rogers, yes… Elmo, of course… Hmm… you left out Chef Boyardee. Who’s payroll are *you* on, sir?!?!!

  • dslindc

    Denied! You may remain in jail and purchase your own shrubbery, but not one with a path down the middle so you get that lovely two-level effect.

  • Did they forget to ask for a copy of Defendant Obama’s long form birth certificate?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Right? They’re going to have to sue Obama in Kenyan courts… and under Sharia law.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Oh, the paperwork! Gaaah!

        • Blank Ron

          In English AND Kiswahili.

  • x111e7thst

    Perhaps, instead of a pony a hobby horse? On which he could ride off in several directions at once. Except for the whole being in jail thing.

    • willi0000000

      if you want to ride off in several directions at once you need the Acme Exploding Pony™

      • The Wanderer

        No, he can ride a Spanish Donkey. I’ll let you Google it, as it may be NSFW.

        • Biff52

          NSF Dubya? Fuck that guy.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Just about this big…

      • Cindyinencinitas

        and some tweezers.

        • Blank Ron

          Perfect for raising dental floss!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Just hope these shitsuckers get convicted before November so they can be stripped of their voting rights.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Ben Franklin once used the term “thirteen colonies” to describe America, so we still belong to Britain, because that’s how language works.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      England does not want us and is really friggin glad it lost that 1812 thing. Dodged a bullet there fo sho

      • Blank Ron

        Lost? [checks flag in front of post office] Nope.

  • anwisok

    So, as well reasoned as their justification for occupying Malhuer. At least they’re consistant.

  • The Wanderer

    Bundy testifies in court, and his lawyer wraps it up:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6xyV68KN5A

    • Volt Owner

      Bundo just p(r)awn…

    • tehbaddr

      He says the Sheriff is a near!

  • HanBarbara

    He had to consult a dictionary to find the word negro, because even a dim bulb like him realized that the word he actually used all the time would not be acceptable

    • Latverian Diplomat

      He didn’t have time to update his filing to incorporate new evidence from the Larry Wilmore Correspondent’s Dinner bit.

  • FZsdaughter

    Cli-iven Bundy
    Spawned on a Monday
    Grazing on Tuesday
    Crazing on Wednesday
    Tried on Friday
    Jailed on Sunday
    THAT was the story of sad fuck
    Cli-iven BUNDY

    • Toomush_Infer

      What? The Chief Justice rested on Saturday? What is this, some religious ripoff?…

    • GuidedAccordingly

      Suing on Thursday?

  • goonemeritus

    I too object to justice delayed, Mr. Bundy should have been hauled in front of the court years ago. Attempting to placate conspiracy theorists never works out.

  • MarkM

    That header pic…wow. If there is even the slightest bit of self awareness or intelligence in the dank clay of Cliven Bundy’s brain, you sure as hell wouldn’t know it from looking at that picture.

  • Bundy wants a pony? Will this do? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbnoG2dsUk0

    • Msmlg1979

      It does it for me! ;)

    • Pickwicknext

      Can we just watch Magic Mike now?

      • Msmlg1979

        Hahahaa! You too? I love you!

        • Pickwicknext

          Did you see Channing and his wife do Lip Sync Battle? I highly recommend

    • Cindyinencinitas

      Mmmmm, that song…

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    What A Idiot. Every Constitution-totin paranoiac knows if you file a bar complaint against the prosecutor they have to dismiss the case.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Trump will pardon him!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      And then appoint him Secretary of the Interior.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Nobody’s better on The Cows.

  • OneYieldRegular

    How many head of chattel does Cliven Bundy own?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      That was Finicum actually, with his foster kid grift.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Is this asshole TRYING to stay in prison for the rest of his life?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Free grub and clean sheets. This is the good life!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Finally realizing his lifelong dream of being totally dependent on the largesse of the federal government.

    • DerrickWildcat

      He wants to spend more time with his friends and family.

      • Blank Ron

        ‘We’re gonna need a bigger prison.’

        • Gleem-McShinez

          “For all my cows. They were already grazing for free, come on!”

  • Marion in Savannah

    And they just dropped the stitch about the Federal Stormtroopers “abusing” his cattle. They should take a lesson from Ken Starr on how to put the proper details into a lawsuit.

  • Gorillionaire

    This may be the first case in US history that winds up with the plaintiff’s ATTORNEY in solitary confinement.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Forever.

  • Pickwicknext

    So does this mean I can sue my government because I keep not winning the lottery? It makes about the same amount of sense

    • proudgrampa

      Unfortunately, you can sue anybody for anything. Stupid, but true.

  • Indiepalin

    The Bundys also have a big problem with the third amendment.

  • jmhm

    I don’t think Arpaio is targeting cuban Latinos like Judge Navarro. I don’t think his party would like it.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Steve Martin used to do a gag about taking hostages, where he said: My demands are (1) a 707, fueled up and ready to take me out of the country, (2) a briefcase containing one million dollars in unmarked bills, and (3) the removal of the letter “M” from the English alphabet. (Because you have to put in one completely outrageous demand. I mean, one million dollars in unmarked bills? Sheesh, like they would ever agree to that!)

    • doktorzoom

      And a fur sink.

    • SeeTrain65
      • RoyalUglyDude

        Ugh! The video won’t play in the country I’m in. But thanks, I’ll watch it when I get home.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …shouldn’t he also be suing the Bildeberg Group and the Illuminati

    • Belasaurius

      and the Lizard People

      • Ulricii

        and the Elders of Zion.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          He can always amend the complaint. You don’t even have to ask. You get one free shot at amending. Might as well throw them all in. He should add George Clooney just so he can take his deposition.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I’m taking my jack-booted federal thug of a brother out to dinner for his birthday tonight. He likes to brag about the number of Patriots he has oppressed during his career with the Forest Service.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Tell him to give them all a good stamping from me.

    • Logic of Color

      Was he a real officer? Where does Michele stand on the Forestry Service?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Agents of Tranny, of course.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          Those bastards stomping on the Constitution like that. Oppressing and stomping. This country is in the crapper for sure.

  • Belasaurius

    he shouldn’t have hired this guy as co-counsel

    • Blank Ron

      Are you sure he didn’t?

  • The Wanderer

    DAMAGE: God, what a nasty woman! [fires a shot in the air] All right, this has now gone on far too seriously long enough by half, OK?! I am now going to phone the authorities, right. And if they do not give me, within 20 minutes, a helicopter…100,000 pounds…a complete set of steak knives… in the presentation box… seven tickets to see the Brazilian National Mime Theatre at the Riverside Studios… a little can terrier named Bobby…one of them little black rubber things, you know them little black rubber things that go “nee nee nee nee”, yeah, a big box full of them, right…the complete memoirs of Donald Sinden…

    VYVYAN: Oh, very handy!

    DAMAGE: Otherwise, I’m gonna blow your heads off, all right? Now, everybody up against that wall, now!!

    – The Young Ones, Sick

  • rosenbomb

    I’m still laughing about “burying bulls in secret mass graves”

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      They’ll pay. They’ll pay, I tell you!!

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FQMbXvn2RNI

      • The Wanderer

        (giggles)

    • The Wanderer

      At least he didn’t accuse the judge, Reid and Obama of poisoning pigeons in the park.

      • revenant

        and maybe they’ll do in a squirrel or two

  • mrpuma2u

    Obama must also cut down the largest tree in Sequoia national park, with a herring!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Somebody needs to talk to his agent….

  • Joshua Norton

    Cliven Bundy is no racist, and had in fact chosen the word “negro” as the most appropriate word after consulting a dictionary.

    He’s obviously going for the “Dumb as Fuck” defense.
    .

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hey! ‘Fuck’ wasn’t in my pocket dictionary! I’m gonna sue those antifuckists!..

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Some of his best cows are black.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I’m sure The Blacks will be sending character references in support of Bundy…just as soon as they are done voting for Trump.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      You can tell how racist he isn’t by how much real estate he used in those papers to explain it.

  • MrBlobfish

    Citing Newsmax in a lawsuit?!? Ipso fatso.

    • The Wanderer

      What does Chris Christie have to do with it?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I move for a mistrial on the grounds of habie us corp us.

      • The Wanderer

        “We got no habeus corpus. But we got Abie-us (Abie’s) Irish Rose.”

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          The sweetest flower that grows? I’ve searched everywhere!

          • proudgrampa

            And none can compare!

    • Doug Langley

      They even have applesauce and jiggery-pokkery. The judge doesn’t stand a chance.

  • MrBlobfish

    I hear this conspiracy goes all the way to the top!

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      They can trace it to Soros? Oh no, now we are fucked!!

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Everything can always be traced to Soros. Or the Rothschilds.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          An actual medical doctor told me about the Rothschilds when I was about 18. I’ve been scared shitless of them ever since.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Cruise the Intertubes on the topic and you will probably sleep a lot better tonight. I do not fear them any more than I fear paper cuts (which can be terrifying, but not world-dominant).

    • Biff52

      The bud in which it was supposed to have been nipped has escaped it’s bonds.

  • Ooooo… a new possible running mate for Donald Trump rises from the ashes of obscurity. So much stupid and crazy in America… how will he ever choose?

  • Nockular cavity

    I support his lawsuit! Where do we send the dildos?

    • HogeyeGrex

      Hopefully to prison for a long, long time.

  • Scooby

    I thought Federal Courts didn’t exist?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      wingnut logic: Claim the courts have no authority and do not exist, then try to use them to sue people for money.

      • Scooby

        Or injunctive relief.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Don’t they make eyedrops for that?

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Yes but they burn like justice.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Let him keep filing these motions. The more he files the more time he will spend in jail awaiting trial.

    • Ulricii

      I think that may be part of his plan. It’s three hots and a cot, which is easier than rounding up those feral cattle as needed.

    • As long as he gets no credit for time served, I’m cool with this!

  • smittywerbenmanjensen

    Nice use of Derpy Hooves.

  • Ilgattomorte

    In a surprise move the secret leaders of The One World Order and The Jewish Banking Conspiracy have released a joint statement.

    “After careful consideration, we have decided that we don’t really want to take over everything and rule over all of you people anymore. We had expected you to be clueless and in the dark, but Jesus! There are limits. I mean, read a book people!”

    “No … look … we’re sorry. It’s not you … it’s us. We’ve just grown apart. I mean, we want to control the world as the head of a secret cabal and you want to sit in a puddle of mud and beat your head with rocks … and that’s okay.”

    “Maybe we just need some time apart. Who knows? In a couple of years, maybe we’ll come back fresh, ready to take on the world and maybe you won’t be so stu… I mean, ‘unique’. So, bye for now. Have a good life and maybe we’ll get back together soon.”

    “Sincerely,
    Your Secret Evil Overlords”

    • The Wanderer

      “P.S. We’re taking our starship and going visiting. Due to relativistic effects, we should come back on March 17, 10,158. We expect to have tea and cookies waiting.”

      • proudgrampa

        “Our travel plans include a visit to our home planet, Kolob.”

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I guess now you will give the death ray machine to the Albanaians so they can take their revenge on the Ottomans and then they will threaten us with instant vaporization unless we give them the recipe for Coca Cola. As was foretold in the Secret Book or Mormon.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I would be happy to send Mr. Bundy a shrubbery. A nice one, not too expensive, currently in my yard, which we are digging up and removing tomorrow. I will include the Eastern Tent Caterpillars infesting it for free. Will FedEx send live shrubberies?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      No, but UPS might!
      (actually, I think Fed Ex would, so long as you packaged it correctly).

      • Angela Ruzzo

        It’s the live caterpillars I’m worried about. I don’t know who will ship live bugs.

        • lroom

          I’ve ordered nematodes off Ebay before. USPS delivered.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m really not sure if I should ask for the recipe…

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Or the wine pairing.

      • Doug Langley

        I’ve worked for Fed Ex. You want UPS, trust me.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Not to a federal prison, no.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        What a shame. It seemed so appropriate to send Mr. Bundy a shrubbery infested with parasitic bugs that will kill it and then rise from the corpse as born-again moths.

        • Doug Langley

          You could always send him a Jeb. He’s low energy, but isn’t doing anything else at the moment.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            He’s a parasite, so I guess that would work.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          A girl can dream.

    • natoslug

      I have a dead azalea that I need to get rid of. Send me the address as well.

      • DemmeFatale

        And my roses have some aphids I can contribute!

        • Marion in Savannah

          I’m sure I could round up some mole crickets.

    • Jamoche

      I’ve got some friends with a Tree of Heaven they’d be happy to ship there. Or anywhere. (Don’t believe the name – those things are *evil*.)

  • chazmanr

    “We’d say any judge who prevents Klayman from representing someone is actually doing the defendant a favor.”

    More accurately, eliminating grounds for an appeal (incompetent counsel is grounds).

  • JMP

    My cat keeps walking across my keyboard this morning; what she’s typed out has a lot more coherence, connection to reality and legal standing than the drivel in the crazy criminal’s complaint.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Yours too? Mine almost posted 1112222222222222112 as a comment on my behalf today. But then I told her that comments weren’t allowed and I lifted her off of my keyboard.

      • JMP

        I’m lucky she had jumped off by the time I actually went into the comment screen; she just made the post reload and moved it around a few times. At least she didn’t switch the laptop to airplane mode, which she has often done.

        • Marion in Savannah

          If I had a nickel for every time one of mine has switched to airplane mode, or turned the sound off, or dimmed the screen, or… Well, let’s just say I’d be able to buy them off with enough catnip to keep them stoned for years.

          • JMP

            And just now, she somehow managed to get it to start playing music; luckily it took up what I was last playing on Windows Media Player, which was Bon Jovi, so that was good.

          • Suttree

            Has you kitty been into the aqua net again?

          • Once&futureFred

            Mine would turn the display sideways to jack with me. If you’ve ever tried to navigate with the touchpad to the “display properties” with the screen in portrait mode you know what a pain it is. She’d do it a few times a month. She passed on a few months ago, had her for 19 years, I’d put up with the aggravation without bitching if she could come back…but alas

          • lroom

            I’m sorry she passed. 19 years is amazing though. One of my doggies right now is 16 and I worry about her.

          • DemmeFatale

            16, huh?
            Old doggies are so sweet.
            (I love ’em.)

          • DemmeFatale

            So sorry.
            Good thing that the honor of knowing them is worth the pain of losing them.

          • Marion in Savannah

            I know how you feel. Our oldest lived to be 25, and as much of a pain in the butt as she was I’d love to have Shadow back.

      • Blackest Noobs

        hell, my cats hacked into a secured email server….and well, the FBI got involved, and yadda yadda yadda, they now work for some think tank for the NSA….and so it goes….

      • doktorzoom

        True fact: More than once in the Wonkette Sekrit ChatCave, Shypixel has typed out a string of nonsense characters that I thought was him playing around with code. Then a moment later, Rebecca has said “Sorry, Donna was pounding on Shy’s laptop”

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Whatever Donna Rose was pounding out on Shy’s laptop, it was more coherent than anything involved in this joke of a lawsuit.

          • eddi

            Well she is smarter than the average lawyer.

    • Biff52

      Fewer ALL CAPS too.

  • anon_the_great

    Ode to Butthurt

    Gotta hand it to the the Bundys. They have found lawyers even dumber than they are.

    • Ulricii

      It’s that old blind-pig-and-truffle-finding thing.

    • Querolous

      Hansen is running for Nevada Attorney General. That would make him the NAG.

  • proudgrampa

    Cliven Bundy and LaVoy Finicum attended the same fiction writers class.

  • natoslug

    I’m surprised Mr. Bundy’s current lawyer isn’t also facing sanctions or the possibility of disbarment, or at the very least, being laughed out of any courtroom that he enters.

  • Please do not give him a shrubbery, if you do, he’ll just change his name and demand

    another shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a
    little path running down the middle…

  • bluicebank

    I don’t what is all this fuss over Clive Barker suing the United States over it’s copyright infringement of his horrific novels that made Stephen King’s skin crawl.

    Can’t we all agree that Clive Barker has a right to raise monstrous beats on federal land, as long as said hell-spawn are kept hungry and innocently licking their chops at the mere sight of federal teats dangling before them?

    I ask you.

    • bluicebank

      That was a mike check, btw

      • therblig

        and these are czech mikes

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Next you’ll be commenting on Presidential erections.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Nah, we can leave that to Trump…

    • DemmeFatale

      …and what’s all this about Youth in Asia and Russian Jewelry?

      • revenant

        Save Soviet Jews! Win big prizes!

    • bluicebank

      Man, I can see a couple already pegged me and dated me.

      Good to know that old SNL standby hasn’t died. Violins in the Mideast. Like that is even a thing.

      • Biff52

        Heh. Pegged.

  • Jennifer R

    I rarely let myself feel this way, but there is a fair chance Cliven will never be a free man again and it feels pretty ok.

  • Poly_Ester

    My guess is that Cliven’s only hope is a grant of clemency from President Trump.

    • eddi

      He will have his people look into it. Bizspeak for “forget it.”

  • Delu

    They should simply drop the lawsuit by stating the obvious logical argument that since Bundy has stated his refusal to acknowledge federal authority and the process of law by extension, attempting to use that very process via the lawsuit would contradict the reasoning behind his defense.

    In short, if you state that the law does not apply and is not binding to you, then you cannot simultaneously make use of a process of the law to file a lawsuit because THAT requires acknowledging that you DO come under the purview of the law and its processes and that the law IS in fact binding and applicable to you.

    He should not be allowed to have it both ways. If he wants his lawsuit to get consideration of any sort, his defense based on arguing that the law is not recognized as binding on him be rendered void. If not, toss out the lawsuit without even reading a single word of it because if he refuses to recognize the jurisdiction of the law, he should not be allowed to make use of any of its processes.

    • proudgrampa

      One of the best definitions of “Catch 22” I’ve ever read…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That’s some catch, that Catch-22.

        • proudgrampa

          Indeed.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            “The best there is!” was what I was setting SOMEONE up for!

          • Jonny On Maui

            kids these days…

          • doktorzoom

            I see everything… uh… once. Never mind.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “Until the Sovereign Nation of Bundystan is internationally recognized, and the cattle-citizens all sign the New Bundstitution, and our Bundicial system gets set up, we’ll just use your system… for now.”

  • Blackest Noobs

    all that we’re saying is GIVE SNACKS A CHANCE!!!!!

  • yyyaz

    That there lawsuit is some real piggery jokery, Clive.

  • SillyBilly

    I have some nice BLM land I want to take over

  • SullivanSt

    The sixth amendment claim is absolutely ridiculous, as it hinges on two pillars; first the claim that a speedy trial is possible because the case is not, as the prosecution says, complex, and second that a speedy trial is being denied by the refusal to admit Klayman because the case involves far too much evidence for one lawyer to sift through.

    Uh, what the fuck are we supposed to imagine distinguishes a complex case?

    Also, Hansen seems to think there’s an inherent right to be admitted pro hac vice. This is quite clearly belied by the process one has to go through to obtain that admittance.

    Seriously, sometimes I wonder whether I could just turn up on the right day and pass the bar, given some of the people they let in – and let stay in.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Craven’s lawsuit is going to go just about as far as my own claim to the Tsardom of All the Russias.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Would you settle for half the Russias?

      • Cindyinencinitas

        That settlement communication should have been set off by cites to the evidence code. You shall be sanctioned if it happens again.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Objection, your honor! Your ruling was not in Cyrillic!

    • Marion in Savannah

      Your claim is unpossible, as I’m the Tsarina Of All The Russias.

  • kindness

    Oh Noes!!!

    Well, with this news I suspect that President Obama’s presidency will go down in flames in all the history books (or at least the ones they print up for the poor schlubs in Texas).

  • SullivanSt

    Also, protip Hansen Esq.:

    All judges on the District Court for Nevada that were appointed since 1987 will have been “recommended by Harry Reid” – that’s how the process works.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      COME SEE THE VIOLENCE FUNCTION INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM

  • Notreelyhelping

    And they say there’s no market for fiction anymore.

  • FlownOver

    Give him the shrubbery. A thorny one. You know where.

    • eddi

      A little hot sauce and he can have a burning bush.

  • clubseal

    I kind of wish this was happening in a courtroom near me, but in my neck of the woods, where Bundy support is aggravatingly high, I’m almost certain a similar case will be soon.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    That lawyer needs to have his licensed revoked. It’s that fucking 99% of lawyers who give the rest of us a bad name.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      I think he will.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Every time Craven Bundy appears in court, all he’s doing at the present rate is just adding on weeks of contempt charges. Eventually, the contempt charges will exceed the duration of all of the other things he’s charged with.

    This vile piece of rancid shit will die in prison, FSM willing

  • Jason Freeman

    So all of the gubbmint subsidies he has been provided aren’t enough and now he wants another 50 million dollars from the taxpayers? And his wingnut, anti-tax “constitutionalist” buddies are supporting him ripping them off too? Fuck, it’s too much. These fuckers are making my head hurt.

  • FlownOver

    “On information and belief,” eh? I can buy the “belief” part, but it says “and,” not “or.” All the information Larry Klayman possesses would fit into the actual grain storage space of the Great Pyramid of Cheops. Or a flea’s navel, whichever is smaller.

  • Daru Titor

    If Bundy’s getting a pony, he’ll have to settle for this. Nobody breeds Appalachian Fluttershy anymore.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I’d totally forgotten Obama’s jokes at the WHCD, so, thank you, Cloven Bundt Cake for reminding me. I had a huge laugh.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    It’s raining here today, at the direction of HARRY REID.

  • TheBidenator

    It’s them transgenders in the baffrooms who are behind it which proves once and for all the Obama is a Satan because Michelle Obama is a transgender and this is all a plot against god’s only man Cliven Bundy!!!!!!11!! Do the research, people!

  • TheBidenator

    I love lawsuits like this- it’s like a sumptuous buffet of crazy and also evidence that with one or two changes to laws regarding mental health treatment that psychologists would benefit for decades.

  • eddi

    More entertaining than the elections, you betcha.

  • georgiaburning

    Nevada wingnuts consider Harry Reid to be the master of all evil arts, able to spread death and destruction across time and distance. It would be a grave breach of protocol to leave him off the lawsuit.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So he’s like Dr. Strange?

      • georgiaburning

        Dormammu would be a good Repub candidate this year. Check that, IS the Repub candidate

    • Candy Apple

      Harry Reid gives Mormons a good name.

  • Snarky

    …with the likelihood of a Democratic Presidency under Hillary Clinton.

    Who knew SovCit welfare rancher Cliven Bundy was clairvoyant also too?

    • James

      I wonder if Bundy already knows the outcome of his legal mess – being so clairvoyant as he is?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    VDE (As a spectator in the courtroom): “Your honor, please allow me to slap the defendant BUNDY silly with this fine saucepan I brought with me today”.

    Judge Navaro: “That would sully the dignity of the court, Mr. Est”

    VDE: “Your honor, I submit that ship sailed when you allowed the defendant and his counsel to appear before the court”

    • therblig

      please use an american made lodge cast iron skillet

      • Land Shark

        and wear your flag pin.

  • eddi

    Bundy is drinking the Pruno.
    http://www.blacktable.com/gillin030901.htm

    • cynmac

      I read that and I was ok until the pictures of mold. EWWWWW.

      • eddi

        Sounds like Cliven’s mold was hallucinogenic. Although I think he’s been tripping for a lot longer.

  • motmelere

    Shows promise, young padawan Hansen does. Need for Klayman unclear.

  • Upright Ape

    But no mention of Al Gore, Benghazi, or sovereign citizenship? Don’t sound like a proper lawsuit at all. Dismissed!

    • richardgrabman

      Where’s the mention of fringe on the flag? Obviously, the suit needs to be resubmitted.

    • Mahousu

      There is some mention about the “rank corruption of Bill and Hillary Clinton” and some vague handwaving about Hillary being Secretary of State, but it’s later on in the filing, and I think they were running out of steam by that point. That level of crazy has got to be exhausting.

  • revenant

    it is an integral part of the whole “Southern Heritage” thing- deny Federal authority while demanding that authority be used for your benefit.
    from Bruce Catton, “The Coming Fury”; “…when Major J. B. Cary, of the Confederate army, came to see (Union) General Butler, and suggested that the Constitution required the general deliver up errant slaves under the fugitive slave act, Butler had a ready answer. “I replied that the fugitive slave act did not affect a foreign country, which Virginia claimed to be, and that she must reckon it as one of the infelicities of her position that in so far at least she was taken at her word.” “

    • DutchS

      Ben Butler? If so, it was the only thing in the whole war he did right.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Oh man, Bruce Catton, that takes me back a few years. I don’t think there was a day of his adult life when my father wasn’t reading Bruce Catton and McKinley Cantor on the Civil War.

  • beavertank

    Protip from a lawyer who’s not a total idiot: Filling your complaint with hyperbole actually hurts your case.

    • beavertank

      Another Little Lawyer Tip®: Putting the names of people and parties (like Plaintiff Bundy, or Harry Reid) in all caps isn’t necessary. It’s a stylistic choice that makes your writing hard to read and makes you look like a complete moron. It also makes the judge’s clerks laugh at you and the judge almost certainly think less of you in a professional context.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Can you imagine what that depo transcript is going to look like? Everybody get on the crazy train.

      • cat cafe

        Apparently the use of capital letters is part of the medieval-witchcraft hocus-pocus sovcit movement, they have some weird cult belief around it, I’m not even kidding. From the Southern Poverty Law Center, who classes them as a hate group driven by conspiracy theories (sorry for the long quote below, the key paragraph is paragraph #4, but you need the previous ones to understand it). They are truly insane and dangerous idiots:

        “According to sovereign “researchers,” …the government has pledged its citizenry as collateral, by selling their future earning capabilities to foreign investors, effectively enslaving all Americans. This sale, they claim, takes place at birth. When a baby is born in the U.S., a birth certificate is issued, and the hospital usually requires that the parents apply for a Social Security number at that time.

        Sovereigns say that the government then uses that birth certificate to set up a kind of corporate trust in the baby’s name — a secret Treasury account — which it funds with an amount ranging from $600,000 to $20 million, depending on the particular variant of the sovereign belief system.

        By setting up this account, every newborn’s rights are cleverly split between those held by the flesh-and-blood baby and the ones assigned to his or her corporate shell account. The sovereigns believe evidence for their theory is found on the birth certificate itself.

        Since most certificates use all capital letters to spell out a baby’s name, JOHN DOE, for example, is actually the name of the corporate shell identity, or “straw man,” while John Doe is the baby’s “real,” flesh-and-blood name.

        As the child grows older, most of his legal documents will utilize capital letters, which means that his state-issued driver’s license, his marriage license, his car registration, his criminal court records, his cable TV bill and correspondence from the IRS all will pertain to his corporate shell identity, not his real, sovereign identity.”

        • beavertank

          Yeah, and Larry Klayman may be stupid enough to buy into that, but I’ve seen non-sovereign citizen nutjobs do it too. I’ve even seen some lawyers submit things to the court entirely in caps, because they think that’s how you’re supposed to do it.

        • HazooToo

          When did this crap start? Who started this? And what drugs was he on, or off, at the time?

          • starfanglednut

            I’m guessing the brown acid.

        • Jamoche

          Dunning-Kruger is not sufficient to explain these people, even if you take it up to 11.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Secret mass graves for cows? Now I’ve heard everything.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      So … he doesn’t mean hamburger buns, does he?

    • jmk

      I now dream of the judge reading this shit out in court and, when she gets to that point in this comedy monologue, bursting out with “if they’re so secret, then how does he know about them, huh? Checkmate, wingnuts!!”

  • tehbaddr

    This whole Bundy Fiasco reads like some kind of twisted sitcom or stranger than fiction miniseries.

  • whitroth

    I’ve seen something like that before – it was at the divorce hearing for me from my now-late ex, her in FL, me in DC, and she sent the Clerk of Court a Letter… which she carefully wrote, with the better part of a 1.5 liter bottle of vodka. (No, I’m not exaggerating – she died a couple years later from cirrhosis.)

    And I’d like to give Rancher Bundy a shrubbery… https ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7y_9OCCqHM

    http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/saguaro.asp

    mark

  • Objectifer

    We’ve seen how you “care” for your cattle. No pony for you!

  • Blank Ron

    ‘I object, your honor! By listing the crimes my client has committed, the public perception is now that he is a criminal!’

    • DutchS

      Well, considering the courts have ruled a CONVICTED criminal can’t be brought to court in handcuffs because that might prejudice people into thinking he’s guilty, that’s not so far fetched.

  • SisterArtemis

    There should be special word for things like this, events and conspiracy theories which so closely mimic THE ONION that the only TRUE way to tell the difference is word count. ONION articles are always short.

    What a dip shit you are, Mr Bundy. And the best part is that as I write this, Kitty Foreman’s face is in hysterics right above. Too perfect.

  • Capt.Jim

    Just when I thought these fucks could not get any more stupid they prove me wrong. We really need to work on the educational system in this country they just keep turning out fucking morons by the bus load..if not for the cruelty to animal deal I’d say give him the pony strap him on and run it off the side of the grand canyon

    • DutchS

      “Just when I thought these fucks could not get any more stupid..”

      Now there’s a hole with no bottom.

    • Candy Apple

      if not for the cruelty to animal deal

      Just strap him to a scooter made of votes and send him off the North Rim! Problem solved!

    • handyhippie65

      how about we strap him to a table and let the pony…nah, i better not finish that thought.

  • xy

    these assholes. is there an insult that is sufficient for them? i feel like it’s rude to assholes to associate them with Bundys.

    • handyhippie65

      i agree. assholes are important and necessary. the bundys, not so much.

  • redarmyzombie

    Wow. That man is *so* screwed…

  • SDGeoff

    Wouldn’t you love to see the faces on The People Who Have To Receive, Sort, And Read Stupid Law Things when they get stuff like this?

    • Jenny

      It’s usually a paralegal or intern clerk. They read it then summarize it for the judge and then point out case law for the argument. Unless it’s specifically pointed out or quoted it gets lost in translation. I’m sure the summary was just as wtf as the original though.

      • badphairy

        The laughter, though.

    • Mintie

      It’s probably considered a job perk. Where do you think all the content for those “10 Crazy Lawsuit” lists show up? There’s some paralegal somewhere showing that around the office, and the judge is all, “that totally needs to go up on the Lawyer Problems tumblr”.

    • JohnC44

      I used to do just that as a temp worker for a company that processed class action lawsuit claims. I was working on Enron and Worldcom at the time…it was both interesting and traumatizing.

  • URQ196

    Seize their assets, and toss their hairy white butts in prison, and no I didn’t leave out any steps.

  • DutchS

    “profit and/or kickbacks”

    I used to tell my students NEVER to use the slash construction because it always means “there may be a connection here but I can’t be bothered to figure it out.” Saying “profit, kickbacks or both” works just as well (in this case zero) and doesn’t make you look like a pretentious, precious dweeb.

    • Mintie

      Legal writing is a different animal than basically every other kind of writing. Probably on a vertebrate-invertebrate level.

      • badphairy

        I’m just going to assign lawyers to “invertebrate” status, my apologies to any invertebrates who feel unduly denigrated.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          It was a phase I went through.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Though it is true that legal writing and good writing are not the same thing, the “and/or” atrocity is not an example of legal writing.

        The trouble with legal writing is that it is ridiculously verbose and utilizes strings of pat, boilerplate phrases that have already been interpreted by courts and which have very specific meanings that are enshrined in precedent and are therefore dependable. It’s clumsy, it’s wordy, it’s full of “the party of the first part hereinbefore referenced” horrors.

        But, as a one-time party guilty of legal writing, you don’t draw up deeds and wills as literary documents. You go with what has worked before and try desperately to avoid any hint of ambiguity.

        I’m not saying that you always get the desired effect and a lot of supposedly bulletproof prenups turn out to be porous. But getting to a document that is impossible to misinterpret, even by the dullest numbnut judge and/or jury member, is the idea. Legal writing is often awkward, tedious, loquacious and awkward but those very qualities serve a purpose.

        As DutchS correctly notes, the “and/or” locution is inherently ambiguous. Stick it in a legal brief, and you practically beg the judge and/or jury to guess what you mean to say and to select the interpretation that is least favorable and/or fatal to your client’s case.

        Based on his use of “and/or” I have full confidence that Joel Hansen, Esq. is a legal representative for Cliven Bundy who is fully capable and/or an acceptable practitioner who attains the same high standards as Larry Klayman, hereinbefore referenced.

        • Last Hussar

          “You go with what has worked before and try desperately to avoid any hint of ambiguity.”

          So what happened with your constitution then?

  • WIDTAP

    I think Judge Navarro needs to cite as precedent that case of Orly Taitz ,where Judge Charles Marginis stated, “You should know that evidence is not stuff printed from the internet.”

  • Candy Apple

    Well, Cliven, you better sue me too! I’ve been mocking you and your fucktarded offspring since the first minute I ever heard of you. Oh, and my grandaddy ran cattle on a thousand-acre ranch outside of Kingman that he leased from the government, and he paid his goddamned bills, so fuck you.

    • badphairy

      I’d like to point out that “fucktarded” is misleading b/c people with actual developmental displays aren’t this stupid. :D

  • Cliven should be sending flowers to Judge Navarro for keeping Larry Klayman from guaranteeing Cliven a triple life sentence with his incompetent representation.

  • Whew. That there’s some weapons-grade crazy. Y-I-K-E-S!!

  • Paperless Tiger

    Let me tell you something I know about the negro. He cracks me up.

  • handyhippie65

    i visited newsmax once. the stories were almost as funny as the ones here on the wonkette, but not near as accurate, or even reality based.

  • dxyseilc

    Every time I see the name Klayman I almost read it as Klansman.

    I’m sure there’s no connection, though. He seems like a nice fella.

  • chascates
  • Celtic_Gnome

    Can’t the papers be rejected for using incorrect terminology? It’s DEMOCRATIC, you limp-dicked, leathery-faced excuse for a sentient life form.

  • Noun Verb

    In Bundy logic according to my research all the judge needs to do is grab a red pen and write “This is not me” on the papers that we’re served. Cuz ya know the capitalized version of a persons name is not the same as the agent doing business as them :-

    Case dismissed.

  • JD Mulvey

    I’ve never seen a legal pleading cite Newsmax as authority before.

    • erin805

      “Authority” always has to be qualified. Newsmax isn’t a legitimate authority. They never met a conspiracy they couldn’t get behind.

  • CATMAN

    Here’s some news for the Bundy branifarters: contrary to Sovereign Citizen lore, there is no special language, punctuation, capitalization or literary constructions that will invalidate Federal law and lots of people who have tried them are currently incarcerated for long periods of time. Navarro’s refusal to allow Klaman to represent him may be a gift as calling Larry a crackpot is an insult to crackpots and his habit of pissing of judges may not end in your favor. You may wave that pocket Constitution around but that doesn’t mean you can make up your own interpretation

  • masked mumbler

    This seems as good a place as any other to repost overandone’s amazjng comment on washington posts recent trump article: overandone
    4:28 PM MST
    The GOP has discovered it’s not a TRUMP issue; it’s a constituent issue. After giving shelter to the birthers, Obama’s coming for you gun nuts, the kill black men cause I can cops, the confederate flag defeat deniers, the religious zealots and those disguised as same, the prolife clinic bombers, the Guberment get out of my life and don’t touch my Medicare loonies, kill a boy cause he’s wearing a hoodie sympathizers, Obamacare is the end of liberty naysayer’s, the voting fraud stole the election conspiracy crowd, the Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s, and Cliven Bundy’s. They find that those who are the republican party are not a flock of middleclass Mitt Romney’s but a hoard of malcontents with such little respect for our government our country our decades of, at least preached, moral integrity that they are eager to turn the handles of presidential power, to offer as Americas face to the world one Donald Trump.
    Rubio, Romney et al wonder how the GOP could be in such as state. They fail to mention the 2008 inaugural night pledge by republicans to do whatever they could to see Obama, hence America fail. They fail to regard as important the tacit acceptance of the birthers, chief among them the GOP presidential candidate in 2016, and by nearly all of the party faithful, and hate spouting talk show blowhards. They fail to understand how when the congress and senate put trying to deny Obama a the cooperation that would move our nation forward, rather than see the country succeed on a black man’s watch. When the party leaders disrespect the right of the American majority who selected president Obama to pick the replacements for vacancies on the supreme court, and the federal courts across the board, the disrespect for the will of the people stolen by the likes of Willie Gohmert and Mitch McConnell. Now they plot to deny Trump the victory he has earned from the voters in the party that they have created. This is what the republicans think will make America GREAT AGAIN.

    Editrix plz offer this person a job at wonkette :)

    • aureolaborealis

      Needs moar punch-up. Shoehorn some yukks into it, then bring it back and we’ll think about it.

      • Last Hussar

        Not enough dick jokes. How can you take political commentary seriously if it doesn’t have dick jokes?

  • Maria Eaton

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!ne486etwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !ne486e:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsSquareGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!ne486e….,…

  • Frank Underboob

    Derpy Hooves FTW!

    • Grokenstein

      “I just don’t know what went wrong!”

  • Grokenstein

    So…I guess this means, uh, that Harry Reid can’t rule on Bungle-Bundy’s case?

  • TeeRaak

    Sometimes when I’m alone late at night, I wish my head was as small as Clive Bundy’s….

  • peekay

    OOooohhh – I want a pony too!!

  • greyXstar

    It’s like Game of Thrones, but for really really stupid people.

  • mardam422


    At the very least, Bundy wants to be represented by wingnut lawyer (and Wonkette frenemy) Larry Klayman….:
    Orly Taitz for second chair?

  • Stein Olsen

    Well he don’t want much does he? Just like fucking everything.

  • plainsite

    Contrast the criminality of Hillary with the Bundys https://www.facebook.com/groups/850081145097486/permalink/885280548244212/

  • Jessica

    I really hope that the Feds have seized his cattle and using it to feed the poor now that his but is in jail.

  • Nyumbu

    I’ll chip in for the shrubbery, but it has to be plants native to that part of Nevada

  • Last Hussar

    For some reason my brain kept seeing D…..HARRY, and thinking Debbie Harry was named in the lawsuit.

  • Last Hussar

    Given he has put HARRY REID in capitals, doesn’t that make him a Sovereign Citizen, and thus immune from US courts?

  • Allen Jordan

    No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.

  • Air_Cav

    Ya know, you expect this kind of crap from Bundy. What is really sad is a “Lawyer” wrote some of this fr him. Generally a “lawyer” has to have attended college and law school. The colleges and/or universities he attended should immediately give him back his tuition, change their name and say they never heard of him

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