This is what you are greeted with when you tune to this week’s episode of “Jill and Jessa: Counting On”:
Oh good. Because if there was one thing this squashy-baby-filled show was missing, it was the expulsion of another squashy baby from a Duggar womb.
We are packing for a trip to Jill and Derick’s undisclosed Central American location! It involves packing a lot of snacks and reminding us that Central America is full of violence. It is also, a random Duggar boy child reminds us, full of the Zika virus. Be ever vigilant, Duggars.
Jessa is talking to Squashy Baby Spurgeon about how great it will be to get a passport photo and fly to Central America. But Jessa is also very worried about Central America because it is not safe and it is full of germs.
We’re at the photo place so Spurgeon can get a photo. The lady is far far nicer to Jessa and Ben than (a) they deserve and (b) anyone has ever been in the history of passport-photo-taking. Gonna go ahead and assume she’s a plant or an actress.
Aww, time for some reminiscing about how great the Ben-Jessa courtship was a.k.a. basically a montage of old clips from “19 Kids and Counting.” We get to see the tender moment when Ben asked Ma and Pa Duggar if he could officially court Jessa, a tender moment that takes place in some sort of tiny storage-type room.
Misty water colored memories, of the way we were…
Now we cut to talking about when Ben and Jessa got married. Did you know Ben was nervous the night before his wedding? Whoa, if true. In between old footage of Jinger talking about how great Jessa is, we get modern-day Jinger talking about how great Jessa is. Given that the long hard road from marriage to present day is about 18 months, the reminiscing is super-weird, even for Duggars, because these are things that happened ridiculously recently. Mostly it seems like an excuse to shovel in old “19 Kids” footage, which means that the “Jill and Jessa: Counting On” producers have basically given up entirely already.
Would you like to hear what Jana thought of how Jessa felt on her wedding day? She was pretty sure Jessa would be just fine! Would you like to hear about how Ma and Pa Duggar told Jessa how to kiss so she would be ready to kiss her betrothed for the first time? No, you probably would not, particularly if you watched all the nuptial episodes last time around.
Ben reminisces about that wedding way back in the lost mists of time of October 2014, and remembers he had a good time! This episode is just full of revelations, everybody.
Ben wore a pre-tied bow tie for his goddamn wedding, didn’t he? Ben, you are a child.
Jessa explains that her unique takeaway from her wedding was that she was excited to read her vows. Then we have to relive the SHOCKING TWIST from the Seewald wedding: they did not kiss in front of the congregation, because they wanted to save that first special moment for some alone time. You know they went and banged ASAP in the closet where the caterer was storing some extra chafing dishes, right? Come on.
Now we have to inquire of all of the other Duggar children, including lumpy John David, if they would like to kiss in front of other people at their weddings someday. Some would, some would not! That is truly an exciting and wide range of opinions.
Back to 2014 so we can see some shaky cam footage of the children crowding around Jill and Jessa demanding to hear all about the kiss and perhaps, perchance, be lucky enough to view the second kiss. Please make this clip show sequence end soon.
Oh thank sweet Jesus we are back in the present day and getting ready to go to Central America. Jana lists all the Duggars that are going but honestly, we can’t keep track. Let’s say … twelvety of them are going. That seems about right.
We get to see what treasures they are bringing to Jill and Derick. Basically, ugly modest clothing, ant traps, and snacks.
Now is probably a good time to remind you that people actually watch this show unironically and right now are eagerly glued to their television noting the brand of ant traps one subset of the Duggars brings to another. America!!
Now we are reminiscing about what it was like when Jessa was pregnant way back in the day, where “the day” was September 2015. Derick uses his child, Israel, as a prop to show Ben how to one day fling his own son into the air like a real man.
Derick helpfully advises that you should not lift your baby vigorously above your head when said baby has just eaten or if there is a low ceiling. One would think that was something most could figure out on their own, particularly given that Jessa watched her mother give birth a thousand times.
Now it’s time to remember the Jessa baby shower, which had exciting activities like changing a doll baby’s diaper with one’s eyes closed, which seems like a weird thing given there would never be a time when one is forced to change diapers without looking.
We’re back to packing for Central America. Jessa explains to Ben how to pack, which makes sense when you remember that Ben is a manchild who doesn’t know how to tie a bow tie. Ben explains that they have to take “special precautions” because they are toting their squashy baby to Central America. “Special precautions” in this instance means bringing bug spray, diapers, sunscreen, and baby wipes. This particular portion of yr Wonkette does not possess a baby, but it seems like those things are basically the standard baby necessities, even for a squashy baby? Do they not give Squashy those things when he is stateside?
Oooh, now this is more like it. Let’s bother Jessa about her pregnancy again, but this time as a sideways way to get her to talk about gross creepy molester Josh. THIS IS WHAT WE WANT SHOW THIS IS THE GOOD SHIT GIVE IT TO US.
Jessa was having the most joyful part of her life, but then big mean people dug up Josh’s past, which was so unfair can you even imagine. No one will ever say what Josh did (or even call him by name – he’s always “my brother”). However, Jinger’s explanation of how they’d just gotten over seeing their faces on magazines over incident one (gross creepy molesting) when incident two (Ashley Madison hack, holla) happened gives us a rough timeline of the Duggar Fall From Grace.
Jessa seems legit pissed that she defended him for being a creepy gross molester and then it later came out that he was just a garden variety creeper cheater. You can tell that in the weird world of Duggar, the latter is probably much worse than the former. Jessa then turns this into an evangelical after-school message: the trials and tribulations of being the family of gross creepy molester Josh reminded Jessa and Ben that who they really love first and foremost is God and they’re never gonna give God up or make Him cry.
After approximately one million years of packing and a side trip into crying about poor Josh Duggar, we’re finally ready to leave for Central America. Ben is wearing a jaunty hat!
While we fly to Central America, however, it is time to revisit Jessa giving birth to squashy baby Spurgeon. Oh god that’s the live birth we’re going to have to watch. We should have seen this coming. We won’t make you watch the explosion of blood and squashiness that is the birth of Spurgeon, but just know that it’s as squashy and bloody as you’d expect. Oh, and also the whole thing was FaceTimed to Jill, complete with whichever sibling was holding the iPhone basically hurling themselves at Jessa as soon as squashy came out in order to get a closeup.
Drama! Jessa lost some blood! Jessa had go to the ER and get a transfusion! She was at the hospital all of 24 hours and then was sent home to have all the smaller Duggars crawl all over the new baby. They explain that it took them five days to name the kid. It took you five days to come up with Spurgeon? Jesus Christ. Everyone marvels about how Spurgeon is probably one of the only babies in the world with the name Spurgeon. This is very likely true, because Spurgeon is a godawful name for a baby.
God, we are FINALLY in Central America, with a whopping 90 seconds remaining in this week’s episode, so apparently that tremendous excitement will be saved for next week. We can hardly wait
for the sweet embrace of death.