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from left to right: squashy, derick, jill, pre-born squashy, jessa, ben

This is what you are greeted with when you tune to this week’s episode of “Jill and Jessa: Counting On”:

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Oh good. Because if there was one thing this squashy-baby-filled show was missing, it was the expulsion of another squashy baby from a Duggar womb.

We are packing for a trip to Jill and Derick’s undisclosed Central American location! It involves packing a lot of snacks and reminding us that Central America is full of violence. It is also, a random Duggar boy child reminds us, full of the Zika virus. Be ever vigilant, Duggars.

Jessa is talking to Squashy Baby Spurgeon about how great it will be to get a passport photo and fly to Central America. But Jessa is also very worried about Central America because it is not safe and it is full of germs.

We’re at the photo place so Spurgeon can get a photo. The lady is far far nicer to Jessa and Ben than (a) they deserve and (b) anyone has ever been in the history of passport-photo-taking. Gonna go ahead and assume she’s a plant or an actress.

Aww, time for some reminiscing about how great the Ben-Jessa courtship was a.k.a. basically a montage of old clips from “19 Kids and Counting.” We get to see the tender moment when Ben asked Ma and Pa Duggar if he could officially court Jessa, a tender moment that takes place in some sort of tiny storage-type room.

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Misty water colored memories, of the way we were…

Now we cut to talking about when Ben and Jessa got married. Did you know Ben was nervous the night before his wedding? Whoa, if true. In between old footage of Jinger talking about how great Jessa is, we get modern-day Jinger talking about how great Jessa is. Given that the long hard road from marriage to present day is about 18 months, the reminiscing is super-weird, even for Duggars, because these are things that happened ridiculously recently. Mostly it seems like an excuse to shovel in old “19 Kids” footage, which means that the “Jill and Jessa: Counting On” producers have basically given up entirely already.

Would you like to hear what Jana thought of how Jessa felt on her wedding day? She was pretty sure Jessa would be just fine! Would you like to hear about how Ma and Pa Duggar told Jessa how to kiss so she would be ready to kiss her betrothed for the first time? No, you probably would not, particularly if you watched all the nuptial episodes last time around.

Ben reminisces about that wedding way back in the lost mists of time of October 2014, and remembers he had a good time! This episode is just full of revelations, everybody.

Ben wore a pre-tied bow tie for his goddamn wedding, didn’t he? Ben, you are a child.

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Jessa explains that her unique takeaway from her wedding was that she was excited to read her vows. Then we have to relive the SHOCKING TWIST from the Seewald wedding: they did not kiss in front of the congregation, because they wanted to save that first special moment for some alone time. You know they went and banged ASAP in the closet where the caterer was storing some extra chafing dishes, right? Come on.

Now we have to inquire of all of the other Duggar children, including lumpy John David, if they would like to kiss in front of other people at their weddings someday. Some would, some would not! That is truly an exciting and wide range of opinions.

Back to 2014 so we can see some shaky cam footage of the children crowding around Jill and Jessa demanding to hear all about the kiss and perhaps, perchance, be lucky enough to view the second kiss. Please make this clip show sequence end soon.

Oh thank sweet Jesus we are back in the present day and getting ready to go to Central America. Jana lists all the Duggars that are going but honestly, we can’t keep track. Let’s say … twelvety of them are going. That seems about right.

We get to see what treasures they are bringing to Jill and Derick. Basically, ugly modest clothing, ant traps, and snacks.

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Now is probably a good time to remind you that people actually watch this show unironically and right now are eagerly glued to their television noting the brand of ant traps one subset of the Duggars brings to another. America!!

Now we are reminiscing about what it was like when Jessa was pregnant way back in the day, where “the day” was September 2015. Derick uses his child, Israel, as a prop to show Ben how to one day fling his own son into the air like a real man.

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Derick helpfully advises that you should not lift your baby vigorously above your head when said baby has just eaten or if there is a low ceiling. One would think that was something most could figure out on their own, particularly given that Jessa watched her mother give birth a thousand times.

Now it’s time to remember the Jessa baby shower, which had exciting activities like changing a doll baby’s diaper with one’s eyes closed, which seems like a weird thing given there would never be a time when one is forced to change diapers without looking.

We’re back to packing for Central America. Jessa explains to Ben how to pack, which makes sense when you remember that Ben is a manchild who doesn’t know how to tie a bow tie. Ben explains that they have to take “special precautions” because they are toting their squashy baby to Central America. “Special precautions” in this instance means bringing bug spray, diapers, sunscreen, and baby wipes. This particular portion of yr Wonkette does not possess a baby, but it seems like those things are basically the standard baby necessities, even for a squashy baby? Do they not give Squashy those things when he is stateside?

Oooh, now this is more like it. Let’s bother Jessa about her pregnancy again, but this time as a sideways way to get her to talk about gross creepy molester Josh. THIS IS WHAT WE WANT SHOW THIS IS THE GOOD SHIT GIVE IT TO US.

Jessa was having the most joyful part of her life, but then big mean people dug up Josh’s past, which was so unfair can you even imagine. No one will ever say what Josh did (or even call him by name – he’s always “my brother”). However, Jinger’s explanation of how they’d just gotten over seeing their faces on magazines over incident one (gross creepy molesting) when incident two (Ashley Madison hack, holla) happened gives us a rough timeline of the Duggar Fall From Grace.

Jessa seems legit pissed that she defended him for being a creepy gross molester and then it later came out that he was just a garden variety creeper cheater. You can tell that in the weird world of Duggar, the latter is probably much worse than the former. Jessa then turns this into an evangelical after-school message: the trials and tribulations of being the family of gross creepy molester Josh reminded Jessa and Ben that who they really love first and foremost is God and they’re never gonna give God up or make Him cry.

After approximately one million years of packing and a side trip into crying about poor Josh Duggar, we’re finally ready to leave for Central America. Ben is wearing a jaunty hat!

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While we fly to Central America, however, it is time to revisit Jessa giving birth to squashy baby Spurgeon. Oh god that’s the live birth we’re going to have to watch. We should have seen this coming. We won’t make you watch the explosion of blood and squashiness that is the birth of Spurgeon, but just know that it’s as squashy and bloody as you’d expect. Oh, and also the whole thing was FaceTimed to Jill, complete with whichever sibling was holding the iPhone basically hurling themselves at Jessa as soon as squashy came out in order to get a closeup.

Drama! Jessa lost some blood! Jessa had go to the ER and get a transfusion! She was at the hospital all of 24 hours and then was sent home to have all the smaller Duggars crawl all over the new baby. They explain that it took them five days to name the kid. It took you five days to come up with Spurgeon? Jesus Christ. Everyone marvels about how Spurgeon is probably one of the only babies in the world with the name Spurgeon. This is very likely true, because Spurgeon is a godawful name for a baby.

God, we are FINALLY in Central America, with a whopping 90 seconds remaining in this week’s episode, so apparently that tremendous excitement will be saved for next week. We can hardly wait for the sweet embrace of death.

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  • jviscont1

    Be advised that no storks were injured during filming.

  • diogenez
  • Toomush_Infer

    I’m pretty sure Wonkette babby disapproves….just sayin’…

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    OT Drumpf is giving his “major policy speech”. He’s fucking terrible! He’s reading from a teleprompter and looks as stiff and awkward as his attempts to mock HRC. And it took about four sentences until the lines obviously written by a speechwriter morphed into typical Drumpf fourth grader speech.

    • The Wanderer

      Yeah, he’s coming across as wooden. Let Trump Be Trump, and watch our enemies and allies cringe.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        And he still isn’t saying a damned thing. It’s the same old stump speech, only he sounds like Bill Cosby roofied him.

        • Mary Sandoras

          A turd salad that talks. A lot. About him. And about him some more.

        • chimichanga

          Aaaaah, Zip. You’re killing me (tea->nose–> monitor) DTs has the same respect for women as Cosby.

    • SayItWithWookies

      He just finished saying that our NATO allies treat us as weak and forgiving and thus don’t bother to pay their fair share of alliance expenses — and that if they don’t, we should let them defend themselves.

      And right after that, he said that President Obama makes America look weak by negotiating the nuclear deal with Iran. Holy cow.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        It’s really embarrassingly bad. GOP leaders have to be pissing their pants right about now.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          No matter – the Trumpaloompas now think he’s a statesman.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            and the fucking media is pretending like this wasn’t an unmitigated disaster. They keep talking about him being “moderate” and “reasonable” and completely ignore that he said nothing of substance.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            They did the same for Reagan – he was a master of tossing conservative noises into a tasty word salad.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            Yup, sweet sounding, bland gibberish that they fell all over themselves to “explain” to the masses

          • chimichanga

            Squirrels need to throw him down the garbage chute. He’s a bad nut.

        • The Wanderer

          His “foreign policy team” is composed of also-rans, has-beens, and never-weres.

    • SayItWithWookies

      That was godawful — it’s amazing, but he actually sounds just as stupid reading a prepared speech as he does speaking off-the-cuff. The fact that his speech is a bit slower is mitigated by him not being able to pronounce words. And at the end, when it was supposed to be getting broad and grandiose, he just became incoherent. At least we know he didn’t use a speechwriter.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        I think he did use one, judging by the first few lines. But he strayed back into stump speech mode, as evidenced by when he started to sound like a moron again

        • Blank Ron

          Must’ve come across a four-sylabble word, glitched and returned to his default setting. They really need to expand his lexicon for next time.

  • jviscont1

    Maybe young Spurgeon will age and go simply as Spur and find a home in the Palin household.

    • The Wanderer

      No, I foresee this youngster running off to Burning Man and coming out to his parents upon his return before embarking on an illustrious career as a gay rights activist.

      • All of the Duggar kids needed to go away, far away, to college, and come back with a nose ring and a same-sex partner of another ethnicity.

        • The Wanderer

          I would Pay to see that episode.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        or dropping a bunch of acid and following Phish around the country

  • memzilla

    We are packing for a trip to Jill and Derick’s undisclosed Central American location!

    You’d need to jam toothpicks under my eyelids to watch this video version of high-fructose corn syrup. I’m gonna go look over all my notes from the Eighties, and see if there’s some way we can arrange an arms-for-Snipy hostage deal. #freesnipy

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Are these fuckers EVER going to get to the Koolaide stage, or will they sort of morf over the years into a successfully integrated cult, like the Mormons?

    • The Wanderer

      After the Fall, they’ll be just another tribe of drug-crazed cannibal hillbillies.

  • freakishlystrong

    Those pictures. I can almost smell these terrible people.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Snipy . . .we’re worried about you. Self-harming like this . . . it’s not a good thing.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Are you saying it’s not a harmless perversion?…

      • Pinkham’s Law

        It could go either way. It’s like reading WND or Infowars – a little bit, to remind yourself how crazy they are is one thing, but too much and you risk your own sanity.

  • Lizzietish81

    So did the parents have to supervise the consumation to make sure all contracts were completed? Was it all Handmaiden’s tale with the curtains and shit?

    • I’m sure a bloody sheet was involved.

  • Skwerl King

    Ben wore a pre-tied bow tie for his goddamn wedding, didn’t he? Ben, you are a child.

    And red too! (Like he dressed himself for the wedding.) The Black Tie Guide is needed now more than ever!

    http://www.blacktieguide.com/

    • Skwerl King

      The choice of bowtie model separates the men from the boys – and the gentlemen from the waiters. Wearing a pre-tied bow tie to a formal function is the sartorial equivalent of using training wheels at the Tour de France.

      The decision to avoid self-tie models is invariably based on ignorance rather than experience as most men have no idea that the process is virtually identical to tying a simple shoelace bow. Anxiety over a flawed result may also be a contributing factor. However, the fact is that a slightly asymmetrical hand-tied bow adds a unique flair to each man’s ensemble much like the natural irregularities of a real flower trumps the contrived perfection of an artificial boutonniere.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        After you tie one three or four hundred times, you get the hang of it.

        • Toomush_Infer

          …especially if you use it properly by tying the other end to a strong beam above your head…

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Easy to learn, but hard to remember if you only have to do it once or twice a year . . . whereas Bill Nye has it down to a science.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            ISWYDT!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        And always remember- shaken, not stirred

      • Blank Ron

        Wait, I have to learn to tie my shoes too?

  • Lizzietish81

    “And then Jessa accidentally drank the Water of Life and Spurgeon was born early with all the knowledge and experience of past Duggars”

    • Toomush_Infer

      and was then expelled from the Land of Duggars, to wander free at last in the free world…

    • limberrat

      So a 1st grade education?

      • Blank Ron

        Or, as they call it in the home-schooling world, ‘grad school.’

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Duggars have the knowledge and experience of a newborn, so no biggie.

    • jviscont1

      Do these experiences include Uncle Josh?

    • OddMan

      “And then they were all eaten by a Shai-Hulud.”

      • The Wanderer

        We can only hope.

  • Hutch

    I have decided that I do not need a blow-by-blow of these peoples’ lives. Not now and not in the future. Makes my brains drip out my ears.

    I leave you to it, Snipy.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Gakk. How fucking boring does your life have to be, for this to pass as “entertainment”?

    • Skwerl King

      The marketing demographic for this is “institutionalized”.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Institutionalized, without access to the remote.

        • AntiDerpomeme

          Straitjacketed, I imagine.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            About 1/2 way into the season, yes.

          • Zippy W Pinhead

            thorazine shuffle…

        • Nounverb911

          Before or after Mental Ben performs the lobotomy?

      • Nounverb911

        Paging Nurse Ratched!
        Paging Nurse Ratched!

    • limberrat

      Guilty pleasure…my wife watches this and Dance moms. For me, it is an uncomfortable trip down RW Christian memory lane but I found openly mocking them to be cathartic.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        So something good is coming out of this. Congratulations on your escape from the foolishness and your continued recovery!

      • FigaroPho

        Guilty I get, but what’s the pleasure part? These people are deranged, dangerous, and insanely boring. What’s pleasurable about that?

  • Jay Vaughn

    So will the little Baby potentially grow big enough to eat people in a single gulp, like his namesake? Or will he lay eggs?

    • The Wanderer

      You’re making my brains imagine baby caviar. Thank you.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    OT: hearing this ass pimple read off a teleprompter and not go off script is FUKKIN hilarious.

    • Nounverb911

      Palin to make fun of Trump in 3…2…1…

    • limberrat

      I speak gud! Ever Ever Ever!

    • The Wanderer

      Is he stumbling over the big words?

      • limberrat

        He’s just stumbling. Instead of emphasizing with a good word, he his just repeating the same word two or three times to sound “big”.

        • Zippy W Pinhead

          I’m the only one! I’ll make everything great!

    • Nounverb911
      • limberrat

        And he is moving his hands in this speech as well.

    • limberrat

      I’m going to start a trade war!!!!!

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        pert much.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …fukk the Chinese **Trump Voice**

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      he’s really, really bad at this

    • limberrat

      HOW ARE WE GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN TRUMP?????

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …walls, brown shirts, public beatings and Eastern European wives for everyone

        • h4rr4r

          This is the part I cannot get. What is up with American racists and their non-white wives?

          My parents live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, outside of town some kind of special high up neo-nazi lives in a trailer on his parents land, collects disability and has a mail order bride.

          He tried to get some kind of meeting of the racists going but the town put together a multicultural festival and the local biker gangs/clubs were basically given a free pass by police to bust skin head skulls. A good time was had by all, well not for the racists they had to move their event plus you know the asskickings.

    • hollydturner

      He warned us he’d do it!! And there it is!

    • TheBidenator

      Hey, Trump’s not just an ass pimple…that’s too small. He’s a YOOGE, glorious pilonidal cyst. The type that made tough guy Limbaugh jiggle as he ran away from Vietnam….

      • jmk

        Obligatory pilonidal cyct LIBEL!!11!!!!1!!!!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Poor squishy baby Spurgeon. He has a crappy-as-shit name and he’s been born into a truly awful family. He has my sympathies, but I still ain’t watchin’ his bloody birthin’.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I would need some good drugs to watch that shit. Something that would make me go to sleep just before it came on would do the trick.

  • dshwa

    Cynically, I suspect Jessa is just pissed that the scandal timing meant less free babby stuff from the sponsors who left.

  • Mary Sandoras

    No, I won’t read it. I never read it. Why is Wonkette shoving Duggars down our throats?

    • Nounverb911

      Somebody has to?

    • hollydturner

      Mary! You don’t know what you’re missing! I know they make an easy snark target but it’s still fun -so come on and just dive in – the water’s fine.

  • Malmborg Implano

    Good God. Quiverfulls meet Zika. I hope this ends weller than I fear it will.

    • limberrat

      That would explain baby Israel….

      • Nounverb911

        Will baby Israel be joined by a sister named Isis anytime soon?

        • jviscont1

          Probably. Can’t use Mesopotamia as it is their safe word.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Isis is off limits, thanks to those asshats of Daesh.

  • Joe Beese

    HASTERT HEADED TO HOOSEGOW

    • The Wanderer

      YAY!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Will he continue his wrestling career?

      • Me not sure

        I suspect he’d better brush up on his skill set.

    • Me not sure

      Hallelujah!

    • hollydturner

      He might enjoy prison.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Unfortunately, no. He’s on “Supervised release”, which means he’s not in the clink where his vile ass belongs. The Judge should have also included a term for DeLay for even writing to him about how vile perv Denny “loves the Lord”.

      Also, too:

      “Judge Thomas M. Durkin of the Northern District of Illinois also stated that Hastert should participate in a sex offender treatment program.”

      “Should”? “Should”? Um, no. “Will” is the correct verb here.

      • Skadi

        Nope, he is actually going to jail, hallelujah. He gets supervised release *after* he’s been in jail for 15 months.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Ah, I sit corrected. CNN was reporting just the “supervised release” and not the 15 months in stir. They’ve updated appropriately.

  • Me not sure

    A Spurgeon birth! It’s a miricle!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Who Spurgeoned all over the bed? Because I’m not cleaning it up!

      • mickey2942

        Ewwew, is what “Spurgeon” means?

    • hollydturner

      So she’s a virgin and they worship fish!! “And henceforth he shall be called Spurgeon”

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Everyone marvels about how Spurgeon is probably one of the only babies in the world with the name Spurgeon. This is very likely true, because Spurgeon is a godawful name for a baby.

    It gets worse when the baby grows up. Imagine…

    Dr Spurgeon Duggar, PhD
    Ambassador Spurgeon
    Star Talk with your host, Spurgeon
    Noted playwright and poet laureate Spurgeon (that might actually work)
    Vice President Spurgeon

    Nevermind, the kid has nothing to worry about there. Creationist Museum Curator Spurgeon sounds just about right.

    • jviscont1

      Spurgeon Sturgeon, the Caviar King has marketing possibilities.

    • Sardonicuss

      Hello! My Name Is:
      Asst. Fry Master: Spurgeon
      Welcome to Long John Silvers!

    • cat cafe

      Spurgeon General, Spurgeon Duggar
      also Sturgeon Importer, Spurgeon

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The pure, freeflowing stupid. It burns.

  • dshwa

    Don’t most couples start talking about what to name their babby, especially the first, right around month 3 of the pregnancy? Even if you don’t find out the sex ahead of time, you still pick potential names for each gender.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Those would be normal, non Duggar people.

      • dshwa

        That was my point. How do you not have a name for 5 days. My theory is Ben really wanted the name and it took five days of you must obey your husband “counseling” from ma and pa to wear Jessa down.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Point taken, and your scenario sounds very plausible. Jessa was holding out for sanity, but in the Quiverfull Kult, sanity is a sign that Satan owns your brain or something.

          • dshwa

            Of course it’s clear Satan owns my brain, as evidenced by the fact that I spent even a fraction of a second trying to figure out a plausible scenario involving the Duggars in the first place.

        • Lambsendbeds

          Bingo !

        • Abby Normal

          When my mother was pregnant with me (her first), a shamen of some sort told her and my dad that I was going to be a boy. My silly hippy parents believed this, and so I was a total surprise.

          They hadn’t even thought about what to name a girl, it got so bad the nurses were threatening to name me themselves.

          I don’t think it went on for 5 days, but it does happen.

          • jmk

            My parents were so sure my brother was going to be a boy that they only realized on the way to the hospital that they hadn’t picked out a girl’s name, and just went with the first name that came to mind. They paid so little attention to it that to this day, my stepfather insists it was Jessica while my mother claims it was Emily.

  • Sadly, I believe there will probably be an uptick in the number of poor, unfortunate babbies named Spurgeon over the next year or so. People are dumb.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      it’ll make it easy to know which families to not let your kids visit

  • chimichanga

    Wonkette Babby vs. Squashy Spurgeon. Death match – KO 10 seconds by Donna Rose. Not even close. Poor Spurgeon. :-(

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The 10 seconds only was because Donna Rose was so busy laughing for the first 9.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        That’s. Adorable.

  • The Wanderer

    OT:
    “There is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America.”
    If Bismarck was right, we’re going to need all the help we can get if Trump gets into the White House.

    • chimichanga

      I qualify for all three. I’m goooood.

  • beavertank

    …are they letting the Duggar women go to central america? The sole purpose they serve, in their utterly fucked world, is to slop out babies forever until they’re all used up and no good for birthin anymore. If they get zika, they’ll only be good for churning out microcephalic god warriors, and that’s no good.

    • dshwa

      A microcephaletic babby might be the first Duggar smart enough to GTFO of that family.

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      What’s so bad about microcephaly?

      Asking for a friend…

  • chimichanga

    I just realized that these women spend 80% of their pre-menopause years pregnant. That has to be a bit uncomfortable. Pregnancy is their only contribution to society. The men spend maybe 30 seconds per kid in baby making. Hmmmm.

    • dshwa

      30 seconds is being awfully generous to Jim Bob.

      • Zippy W Pinhead

        a two pump chump

  • TheBidenator

    Profiles in Meth Abuse- Duggars edition.

  • TheBidenator

    HAHAHA, SPURGEON! HAHAHA SPERMGEON! HAHAHA! SPOOGEON! Oh you Duggars kill me. Anyway, what are we talking about? Duggar dude A on the left looks like he’s a product of so much inbreeding his eyes are nearly cyclopean….

    • limberrat

      Woah, that’s the “intelligent” husband! He went to college! I swear!

      • dshwa

        But wasn’t it like Liberty U or one of those kind of “schools?”

        • limberrat

          Surprisingly no, it was Oklahoma State.

          • dshwa

            Really? One of the cult families sent him to a State School?

          • TheBidenator

            A really shitty one…

          • limberrat

            Yeah, I have no clue what he did, but it seems to have been unremarkable.

          • nssherlock

            Derick wasn’t Quiver cult when he contracted for Jill, just weird.
            Between Jill’s need to have him around at all times and JimBob’s wise advice about grifting being more profitable than working, Derick is now bathed in the kool aid as well as any Duggar.

          • Lambsendbeds

            Wasn’t Derick doing Missionary “work” in Tibet or somewhere similar while he was “courting” Jill ? I remember when he flew to Arkansas to meet Jill and the family for the first time. Hilariously, Jill was so excited when he walked up to her in the airport that she flung herself at him and gave him a full frontal hug, like a common Palin. Michelle was very shocked lol !

          • nssherlock

            They were always very vague about what Derick did in Tibet, but it certainly wasn’t missionary work, more like a youth vacation of some sort.
            He fits right in with the grifting Duggars. Only job he had was as an accountant with Walmart and Jill couldn’t bear for him to be away all day, she showed up for lunch with him every single day. I suspect that, between Jill’s interference, the time he took off for filming the old Duggar show, and the scandal, Walmart was very glad to see him go, if they didn’t outright fire him.

      • TheBidenator

        Subway U? Trump University?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is why these kids are homeschooled: to protect them from the inevitable savaging by the ferals at the playground during recess.

  • TheBidenator

    Duggar guy A on the left and Duggar girl B on the right look like brother and sister….I just now figured out what being close to your family means in Arkansas

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Spurgeon sounds like a brand of discount caviar that you would find at Big Lots.

    • nssherlock

      That’s good.
      Actually, it seems more like a verb to me — as in engaging in projectile vomiting.
      (Ate too much tater tot casserole and ended up spurgin).

  • Sardonicuss

    Hey wait. Is pre-squashy Dugger lady traveling to south america in her pre-squashy state? Because even they can’t be that stupid.. right?
    Zika makes really extra squashy babbies.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It will be a true test of their faith if they are so unfortunate as to have a Zika affected child.

      • BosGrl

        I don’t watch the show; do they have any atypical kids? It seems like incredible odds, with 19 kids and a handful of grandkids. I would be afraid for a kid who dared color outside the lines.

        • Lambsendbeds

          They have Josie, (#19), who was born at 24-25 weeks gestation IIRC. She had the usual problems of micropreemies, without the advantage of parents who actually educated themselves on how to properly stimulate her to help her catch up. She seemed really behind, especially since her fame whore parents toted her, oxygen tank and all, all over the country so the whole dog and pony show could go on and they could keep sucking at TLC’s teat. As far as “coloring outside the lines” goes, only Joy Anna ( so ironically named, as she has always seemed joyless) chafes at wearing skirts and acting girly. None of them has seriously rebelled, tried to seek higher education or dye their hair blue. I’m sure one of them MUST be gay ( I believe Snipy suspects Josiah), and that kid will be forced to go to conversion therapy if anyone ever suspects.

          • BosGrl

            Thanks. Ugh those poor kids.

          • Odd Jørgensen

            Oldest sister is pretty much a horrid old spinster at this point by Duggar standards, mebbe she sees boys as weird and icky still? Or mebbe she likes ze gurrls?

          • nssherlock

            More likely she has raised enough children by now and isn’t eager to start over with her own.
            I can only imagine how burdened the poor girl was growing up with her mother either constantly pregnant, breast feeding the new infant, or trying to get pregnant with another one.
            Jana pretty much ran the house from the time she was old enough to take over mother duties.

            Also, fundies have a traditional SAHD (stay at home daughter) who runs the household and takes care of the parents in their older years. I suspect Jana is the one.

          • guest

            That is really sad because to me, out of all the girls, she has the most talent and is the prettiest. She could do/be so much more but those evil parents have broken any spirit this girl may have once had.

          • nssherlock

            She does seem the most capable and caring and she is certainly the best looking.

            ALL the Duggar kids have had any initiative or independent thinking beaten out of them, starting with blanket training.

            The sick cult parents don’t want children who can function in society, they want robots who are instantly obedient and stay at home and eventually breed more cult members.

            We are NOT talking about normal people who want what’s best for their children and try to educate them and prepare them for life. This cult scares their kids so they don’t leave the cult and gives them no work ethic or skills to go out on their own.

          • guest

            And unfortunately the cycle keeps going with the next generation. The older kids have turned out to be useless with no direction in life, the younger kids are on their way to being the same, and now the grand kids will be indoctrinated too. Those parents have a lot to answer for. You are right. They are sick.

          • nssherlock

            About all the older kids have been sent to Gothard’s boot camps or Journey to the Heart (girls) – some several times for reindoctrination, it is what JimBob does when any kids seem to rebel. Josiah has been there several times.
            It’s also where Josh was sent after he molested his sisters (over and over), so you see how much good that did.
            NO deviation from the cult robot child norm is tolerated — somehow Josh found a way to rebel, but sick and perverted was his only option.

    • dshwa

      I’m sure they’re sure God will protect them, because he wants them to pump out moar babbies.

    • TheBidenator

      Duggar spawn- there is no evidence of wave functionality on an EEG

  • TheBidenator

    Just wait until Josh gets his fingers on these guys…

  • h4rr4r

    I would say 18 months from married to babby is short, but I got married two months before my spawn was born. On the other hand we had been living in sin for a decade.

  • bozilingus

    Slightly OT: Is it possible that none of the Duggar ladies has ever experienced an orgasm? And as long as their husband enjoy their “15 seconds of fame” then the ladies have gone and done what God decrees?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I wouldn’t discount that. Seeing as these assholes are only interested in promulgating their own genes and their own gratification, and don’t even have the intelligence of Khal Drogo to realize it’s a better experience when their partner is pleasured and gives pleasure in return, it’s certainly plausible that Duggar women have no idea about orgasms.

      • bozilingus

        Maybe we should create a “Dildos for Duggars” GoFundMe. Send a few to them with instructions on how to make use of them. Might make future episodes watchable.

        • Master Contrail Program

          Start with pocket rockets then. Last week’s bawdy and raucous episode revealed what their ideas of high heels are, after all.

          • Rick Hill

            In that case, maybe jut tell then to lean against the washer during the spin cycle.

      • wavicles

        They know that they’re mythical. And even if they were real, they lie at the top of a slippery slope.

    • JMP

      Possible? It would be very shocking if any of them have ever had an orgasm. The kind of guys who are into these hideous patriarchal religions are the same type of assholes who would never go down on a woman, and the women are brainwashed to put up with that kind of shit. And of course these kind of completely immoral religions also say that god punishes touching yourself, while you know they never had proper sex ed in home skool. Hell, none of these ladies or their husbands probably have any idea what a clitoris is.

      • bozilingus

        I am surprised that the Duggars do not practice female genital mutilation.

        • GamerGirlSlayer

          Lets not give Jim Bob any ideas

  • beatbort

    You know how bartenders can cut off a customers if they determine they’ve had too much to drink? Why can’t the world cut off the Duggars from spawning because they’ve had too much to spawn?

  • Hizzoner

    Sweet baby Jeebus…. You had to watch that? You have my sympathy. Thank you for taking one for the team.

  • PubOption

    Squashy baby on the left of the photo looks pretty big. Should he have a sibling by now?

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Probably 3 or 4.

  • Joshua Norton

    After popping out a paunchy brood of offspring who more closely resemble sacks full of waffle batter and ball bearings, you’d think the Duggar clan would realize that their DNA is pretty iffy and they should just stop spreading it around.

    • h4rr4r

      Hey, I resemble that remark!

  • Linda Brown Smith

    Why do you keep saying “squashy baby”? it’s really getting old. The baby is cute and well fed like so many other babies. So stop with the squashy, please?

    • h4rr4r

      All little babies are squashy/squishy. Have you never seen a newborn? They look smooshed.

      • Professor LonelyCats

        I actually think squashy is a nice way to put it. I say they look like potatoes (but how long they look like potatoes before they’re cute depends on the baby).

      • JParkerSD46

        Please, Snipy, never stop saying “squashy baby”. I laugh every time. And, once again, my profound thanks for watching this show and reporting on it. I’m sure your alcohol and therapy bills are extreme.

    • jmk

      Snipy, please never stop saying “squashy baby.”

      In addition to giving me a giggle every time I see it, it now has the advantage of annoying fans of Dead Breitbart’s Home for the Perennially Twitty.

    • Misty Roberts

      Ok. how about Spoogeon, then?

    • Cathy Leonard-Chase

      We’ll see about “well-fed.” The Duggars live on pickles and pretzels and the children all have acne. Even the idiot Dillards are feeding pickles to their son who is too young to chew and swallow properly–very dangerous food for a baby that age. But what do you expect from ignorant, hillbilly, cultists with no education, a warped world view to include having children for some ill founded ideology of world domination–not just because they love children.

  • wavicles

    i giggle at these people. Thanks Snipy

  • Jgb979

    So what happens when a Duggar is unable to conceive?

    https://m.popkey.co/6bee24/6GJWk.gif ?

    • Cathy Leonard-Chase

      That’s when they pick from one of their stock phrases, “the devil is taking his best shot.”

  • Blank Ron

    I’m assuming Ben was nervous before the wedding because he’s just had some ‘advice’ from Josh. <shudders>

  • Diane T.

    Can you run that video in FF and rewind? ‘Cause that would make it SO much more fun.

  • harryr

    “given there would never be a time when one is forced to change diapers without looking.” – As a father of three, I can assure you that I have changed many diapers without looking. The smell was enough to warn me that looking would not be a good idea.

    • h4rr4r

      As a father of one, I agree.

  • Lamashtar

    That is a fine hat.

    • Michelle Singleton

      Trying very, very hard not to sing Veggie Tales…

      • theresa

        That’s a great idea for Ben. He could rap to the Veggie Tales.

        • Michelle Singleton

          But I actually like Veggie Tales!!! Despite the agnostic pagan belief structure..

          ??

  • kaw143

    Quit Rickrolling us, Snipy.

  • jilliana

    Thank you, Snipy! That was hysterical! Loved it!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Does nobody the TLC viewing public notice how sick all of this is? German porno sick? I can’t even read all the way through an article about it.

  • J.Bo

    Why oh why can’t I fap to these screwy Duggar articles? I’m really tryin’… I got an unrelentingly dirty mind, I dig pregnant chicks… it just don’t work! Grrrr!

  • CJTX

    “Oh good.”

    This is the precise moment where I realized snipy has given up on life. Don’t go! Think of birds…and trees…and stuff. Seriously, Editrix needs to give poor snipy some personal time away from this show.

  • JParkerSD46

    Wait, what? Now, I didn’t, and never will, watch this waste of electrons, but one would think that such a group of sexually repressed grifters and numbskulls might be somewhat averse to allowing the filming, let alone broadcasting, of female tingly parts, even in a medical context. Oh, well, I guess it must have paid for the trip to deepest, darkest Central America.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Ugh. Bless your heart for watching this crap.

    • Frank Underboob

      Your avatar goes so fucking perfectly with comments like that. Well played!

  • Frank Underboob

    Spurgeon’s Law: 100% of ‘reality’ TV is horrifying & crap.

  • Abby Normal

    I am horrified that TLC is still trying to present this scary, dangerous cult as a normal, wholesome, christian family.

    The Quiverful movement is not cute or harmless, it’s sick and twisted and needs to be exposed for the sick, twisted cult that it is.

  • Purple_violets

    According to A Minor Consideration, “The Duggars” and still coming back.

  • Daru Titor

    I still have only one response to this family:

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Does anybody find it particularly disturbing that they make these young women talk on camera about the guy who finger-fucked them in their sleep?

  • Cathy Leonard-Chase

    Their ignorance ranges from calling child molestation a “bad choice,” to not teaching young men to be gentlemen and remove their hats in the house, and everything in between. There is nothing about them that makes them role models for mental or psychological health, dignity, decorum, intelligence, education, morality, ethics, kindness, good sense, proper parenting, or emotional maturity.

  • SeeTrain65

    Snipy, I love you a lot, and I feel so horrible you’re forced to watch this dreck.

  • hannah

    hello whoever wrote this but you are obviously a idiot for bsing there religion and calling Spurgeon squashy is a fucking idiot

    • Misty Roberts

      It’s “an” idiot
      It’s “basing”, not “bsing”
      It’s “their”, not “there”
      And your sentence is an unorganized mess.
      Moral-If you’re going to call someone a f@cking idiot (and I am assuming you are religious, so shame on you for your choice of verbage) then don’t come across as a f@cking idiot!

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