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God has a cruel sense of humor
God has a cruel sense of humor

The internet is a wonderful thing. It brings us amusing My Little Pony memes, cat videos, and GIFs of people falling off stuff, pow, right on their bottoms. And porn, of course. So it makes perfect sense that the internet’s latest viral sensation (as of a few days ago, at least, which means she’s already passé), Searcy Hayes, a 21-year-old from Natchez, Mississippi, who looks uncannily like Ted Cruz, has accepted an offer to do a six-minute porn video for $10,000. How did Ms. Hayes come to public attention in the first place? She was on the Maury Povich television show, of course:

Hayes went on the show after her fiance, 25-year-old Freddie Green, accused her of cheating on him. All was resolved in typical Maury fashion when she passed a lie detector test and DNA results showed her 3-month-old son was Green’s.

Hayes, not surprisingly, doesn’t follow politics, and had absolutely no idea who “Ted Cruz” is, making her only slightly less well-informed than the show’s viewing audience. Even after finding out she looked like the guy, she seemed profoundly incurious about who Ted Cruz is:

“I don’t know his positions and I’ve never seen him, so I don’t know if he’s done a good enough job to be reelected,” she told The Huffington Post.

When we pointed out that Cruz isn’t actually president, just a candidate, she said, “Well, yeah, I don’t know anything about him.”

And pundits wonder why Donald Trump is polling so well.

Fortunately, Hayes now has an opportunity to monetize her meme status: porn site XHamster.com has offered $10,000 to Hayes and Green to make a six-minute sex tape. XHamster is getting pretty good at this sort of publicity stunt; just a couple of weeks back they brilliantly cockblocked porn streaming to North Carolina in “protest” of that state’s terrible hate-the-gays law.

Ms. Hayes accepted the offer, because hey, ten thousand bucks, and she’d already made private sex tapes anyway, so sure, if it helps America, whatever.

“I’m fine with it because everything is going to support my family,” she said. “I want to get my son whatever he wants.”

Now there’s somebody with a firm grasp of personal finance. Green also has perfectly reasonable expectations for how far $10,000 will go:

“We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married,” he says. “I never had anyone say, ‘Here’s $10,000! Go make a sex tape.’”

Green admits he’s excited by Hayes’ newfound fame.

“It’s kind of exciting and shocking to know she’s famous — she’s more famous than Madonna!” he said. “I’m with a star.”

Madonna was unavailable for comment; repeated calls by Wonkette went unanswered, except this one time we’re pretty sure we heard weeping coming right through the ringtone.

HuffPo reports Mr. Green is preparing for his porn premier by “Googling terms like ‘How to make a sex tape on an iPhone.'”

The production does not yet have a working title; we’d like to suggest a few:

  • Green Eggs and Cram
  • Debbie Does Alberta
  • Primary Erection
  • PenetraTED
  • New Pork Values
  • Shove Obamacare Down My Throat
  • Fuck This Election
  • Still A Better Love Story Than “Twilight”
  • 51 Shades Of Chunky Soup
  • Layin’ Ted
Or they could just adapt any of the million or so comments from our “Name the Ted Cruz Gay Porn Flick” story, like this one from the Facebook: “Give Me Head ‘Til I’m Ted: The story of a boy named Rafael who just wanted to be a real American.” We’re sure they’ll think of something.

We wish Ms. Hayes nothing but the best, and also would like to remind all of you in the comments to not make fun of her looks, because isn’t having a passing similarity to Ted Cruz and living in Natchez, Mississippi, enough for one person to bear?

In related news, a South Dakota woman who looks remarkably like John Kasich keeps posting her picture to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, but it’s like no one even notices her.

[HuffPo]

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  • Tony Alexander

    why?

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Rule 34 is inviolable.

      • Skwerl King

        It runs in all directions. But don’t google “It runs in all directions porn.”

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Is that a hedgehog on Trump’s head?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      NO TED CRUZ – HEDGEHOG SEX TAPES FFS!!!

    • limberrat

      Diiinsdale.

      • Frank Underboob

        Doug?

    • dave in texas

      No. It’s a chupacabra.

    • Frank Underboob

      His name is Spiny Norman.

    • SnarkTank

      Great, now I have a mental image of Ron Jeremy sitting on Drumpf’s face. Thanks, Obama.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    The joke is on all of us – that is actually Ted Cruz. And he’s using the money to fund his campaign.

  • rocktonsam

    new fucking low wonket!

  • limberrat

    **HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRLLLLLLLLLL**

  • Lemmy Caution

    That’s one sure-fire way to cure porn addiction.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I hear that Utah commissioned it.

      • Lemmy Caution

        Part of a Public Service announcement they run every night.

  • MrBlobfish

    I admire her Frontier Spirit and Southron Christian Values

    • Hutch

      “Fucking on the Fainting Couch,” starring the new Sothern porn sexsation, Miss Searcy Hayes!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Of course I cannot watch it for free.

    I charge 1000 dollars per second for that sort of shitty job.

  • Shibusa

    “I want to get my son whatever he wants…and what son wouldn’t want his mother to star in pornos?”

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      She’s moar famouser than Madonna cuz looks like Tranny Cruz!!!

    • say wha

      “Mama? How come our house got wheels and our truck don’t?”

  • limberrat

    Thanks Dok… I didn’t feel like hurling when I was sick a good chunk of last week…. now I do.

  • Scooby

    Tug Cruz ruined dildos, then soup now porn. Does this man have no conscience! If he figures out a way to ruin Martinis…I’m out of here!

    • MsAnthropesMr

      He probably makes them with Vodka.

      • MrBlobfish

        Oh, that’s a paddlin’.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        And Campbells Canned Poutine.

      • Scooby

        Barbarian

      • Brendan_M

        Every time someone orders a martini with vodka, Rachel Maddow rolls over in her grave.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I like martini’s with vodka. And nothing else.
          So not really martini so much as vodka in a glass generally reserved for martinis.
          Pinky out!

          • MsAnthropesMr

            As long as you don’t call it a martini, I don’t care what you drink – Sterno, Shoe Polish, Vodka…

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I will call it whatever I want and don’t you oppress me and stomp on my freerights, Missy Anthrope Mister!

          • Brendan_M

            Well, I drink wine out of a box, so I can’t be too snobby, but I am purist enough that I only drink gin martinis and I point out all the deviations from the books when I watch Game of Thrones.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I used to drink vodka martinis with extra olives, but that was only because I like vodka-soaked green olives.

    • limberrat

      New Prohibition amendment if I become president! – Ted Cruz

      • Scooby

        Don’t even joke.

    • onedollarjuana

      Don’t forget lip boogers.

  • MrBlobfish

    Is it going to be just the two of them going at it for 6 minutes or is there gonna be some Cruz-related plot?

    • limberrat

      I’m gonna ban all these toys, but first Male Heidi, let’s test them out.

    • kindness

      Just wait till everybody sees the joy on Ted’s her face during the anal scene.

  • say wha

    I call bullshit. This is probably just some old footage of Ted when he was in the 1995 Hasty Pudding show A Star is Born back at Haaahvahd.

  • rocktonsam

    Ted Cruz-creating jobs. sexy jobs…

  • Msgr_Moment

    What do I have to pay NOT to watch it?

  • Lemmy Caution

    I won’t be in my bunk — ever again.

    • Frank Underboob

      I just set fire to mine.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Renting the bulldozer now to drive over mine.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Right? I might finally read some of those books my smart friends keep talking about.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Skip forward to the part where Trump gives Cruz anal on the convention floor. Oh, sorry, you were talking about a porn movie? I was just trying to figure out the rules of a contested primary.

    • limberrat

      Will Ted ever get the orange out?

  • Skwerl King

    “Ted Cruz Will Do Porno For $10K”
    Welp, back to therapy for me.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Shoulda never left.

  • ManchuCandidate

    http://38.media.tumblr.com/ca326aa7d9f8b0a7dbbb6681bc2aa484/tumblr_nusdolDicM1s373hwo1_500.gif

    Sorry producers, you would have to pay me to watch ANY Cruz related porn and I still won’t.

    This is a really bad idea by everyone involved.

  • Lemmy Caution

    A face made for erotic fiction audio books.

  • Callyson

    Based on the feedback I got last time, I will not post that EjaculaTed gif. I will say she should have held out for at least $25K…

    …that is, if I had any interest in watching, which I definitely don’t.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I really didn’t have any interest reading about it either, but then again, here I am.

  • Joshua Norton

    I don’t know his positions

    Missionary and side-hug should about cover it.

    • kindness

      Bishop flogging fer sure.

  • Lemmy Caution

    Co-starring Hanging Chad.

  • Spotts1701

    Pass.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Next up on Jerry Springer…

    He’s next on the circuit after Maury, right?

  • Shoto

    Gives new meaning to the term “Natchez Trace.”
    Ewwww…

  • Lemmy Caution

    Internet porn’s first double-bagger — one for the screen and one for your head in case it falls off.

  • beatbort

    It would be interesting to find out where Ted Cruz was 21 years (and nine months) ago.
    That is just too freaky to look at for more than a few seconds without suffering from vertigo.

  • Suttree

    The sad thing is that there are going to be thousands of republican male Texans fapping to this. I’m going to hurl now.

  • Callyson

    And while I shudder from just mentioning the possibility, I really hope there isn’t a TehRump look-alike out there…

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I don’t mean to scare you, but that could be the biggest open casting call in porn history.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Dip ’em in orange and stick a tribble on their head.

  • Mahousu

    Rule 34 is a harsh mistress.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      There’s harsh mistress, and then there’s harsh mistress who looks like Ted Cruz.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        How harsh can she really be? It’s only going to be six minutes long. I can barely figure out how to buckle the ball gag in six minutes.

        • Blank Ron

          Use this mnemonic: righty tighty, lefty loosy.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Can be, can be lots of other things, or so I’ve heard.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I know Republicans are having some fundraising challenges, but wow.

  • Shibusa

    Maury should do a DNA test on Ted Cruz. Maybe he was selling ejaculate to buy law books back in 1994.

  • Joshua Norton

    “I want to get my son whatever he wants.”

    You know what her son assuredly DOESN’T want? His little friends having access to videos of his mommy doin’ the dirty all over the internet.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if X-Hamster really wants to screw with North Carolina they would unblock access to their site but only stream this porno on a loop

    • FauxAntocles

      Cruel and unusual, dude.

    • The Wanderer

      That would go past Eighth Amendment violation straight to Crime Against Humanity.

  • coozledad

    “We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married,” he says. “I never had anyone say, ‘Here’s $10,000! Go make a sex tape.”

    Alright. Someone needs to do some water testing in Natchez.

    • FauxAntocles

      Well, it is Mississippi – living in the 19th century does have advantages. The truck probably costs $50.

    • Skwerl King

      Considering the princely sum being requested for this project, does the truck run and the house lean less than 45 degrees?

      • More importantly, can you get it off the blocks?

    • MsAnthropesMr

      True Story of The South
      So I was driving through Southron Georgia on my way to move a buddy of mine to Orlando. We pull off the interstate to get drinks to keep us awake, and there’s a big sign on the soda fountain that says something along the lines of “Water in machine has sulfur and will make soda smell”. So, that was good enough for me, I got a bottle of something. However, it did not deter what I would assume were locals, getting their drinks from that fountain. I still wonder what the hell was going on there.

      • Hutch

        It DOES cure scabies!

      • Iam Reading

        It’s likely their well was completed in a geologic formation high in sulfides or sulfates. Not toxic but it smells and tastes a little funky

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Does not explain why they would…drink it. For soda.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          But – then, why would you buy a drink from the fountain? I mean, if that’s all the water you got, you gotta live, but to go a purchase a soda from that fountain?

  • Creepoman

    Alright Dok, once the tape is out, I’ll be real curious to see how it shows up on your expense report.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Under ‘research’…

      • Gleem-McShinez

        “Dr. Kevorkian Alternative Therapy”

        • Creepoman

          What’s the opposite of “Death with Dignity?”

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Life as a Republican?

          • Jonny On Maui

            And there’s todays winner!

      • Along with a hefty bill for eye surgery and trauma care.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Along with gallons and gallons of brain bleach…

  • Suttree

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Eraserhead is more sexually stimulating than this will be.

  • Belasaurius

    10,000 can buy a truck and a house and a wife in Mississippi? Hmmm, nah still not worth moving there.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I’m torn. Literally. I tore my eye parts out.

  • Metadude

    Is that poutine in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

    • beavertank

      Wait a minute… I didn’t know this was going to be scheisse porn.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Is it irony that she gets famous because she was on a show to prove that she was not sleeping around, and the direct result is her getting paid to sleep around?

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      I believe this to be the precise definition of irony, yes. (But it still could, possibly, be Schadenfreude).

  • schmannity

    SPONSORED CONTENT: How to Pay Off Your Mortgage. There’s one link I’ll never click.

  • say wha

    Maybe Fartnocker would be willing to pony up the money to watch the 6 minute porno and give us a report. After all, he suffered through months (weeks?) of the Palin Derp Report.

  • Erick the Kracker

    I’m partial to “Green Eggs and Cram”

    • Shibusa

      Cocks in Socks?

  • I blame the damned Hamsters.

  • going4baroque

    A PSA by Miranda Sings: Don’t Do Porn, don’t do it
    https://youtu.be/hh1W8qmmIvY

  • diogenez

    Watch for free?? Are you kidding me?

    I’m gonna need 10k just to think about that one….

  • Lemmy Caution

    Working title — Grand Old Poopee

    • Hutch

      So, a German flick?

      • Lemmy Caution

        Goo … goo … good one!

  • beavertank

    Unless the other star is someone who looks like Obama, you couldn’t pay me to watch a porno involving a Ted Cruz lookalike (whether male or female).

    And even if the other star is an Obama impersonator I’ll be grimacing in pain through the entire thing.

    • Lemmy Caution

      Who needs a Cruz lookalike? The real thing is retina-scarring enough.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Utah TRIED TO WARN YOU PEOPLE!!

  • schmannity

    No “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blew Fish?”

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Well, an upgrade shouldn’t take much of that 10K.
    https://christopherfountain.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/trailer-trash.jpg?w=500

    • Hutch

      Ah! I see there are repair materials right there in the yard. And nice chair and bucket!

    • DerrickWildcat

      Very homey.

    • Hutch

      “Diddlin’ in the Double-Wide,” starring Mississippi’s own sexsensation, Mizz Searcy Hayes!

    • limberrat

      Classy place she has.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I have sympathy for this person. Sometimes a trailer is all you got – I spent the first 3-4 years of my life in one about that size. I just wish that some folks would be more politically involved, although it is hard to do when you are just scraping by.

      • Hutch

        Jeez, I’m poor, but I replace my aluminum siding and plywood under the steps occasionally.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I live in one now ^.^ It is a prefab, but same same (just a bit bigger and some people put bricks under it and try to call it a ranch. It is not).
        I like it actually. Quick to cool off (big metal box!) quick to heat up (ditto!) and we’ve an acre of our own, then the farm, so lots of space to play garden planting.
        Plus, cheap rent, yo.

        However…..there’s really no reason you can’t pick up the crap in the yard once in a while. Not precisely a class judgement as an asthetic one.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          Yeah – I suppose, unless you’re clinically depressed, and can’t get healthcare. I’m just kinda sympathetic. It’s hard being poor.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            It totally sucks to be poor and I ain’t nothing but sympathetic. Just don’t get the leave the crap where it falls thing and probably never will.
            Unless the lady in the picture is leaving it for her hubby/bf/etc because she is tired of picking it up. I can totally get that reasoning *twitch. Refuses to move TV box in hallway that has been sitting there for 3 months. Twitch*

          • CJTX

            For those who love trailers – I get it, I do – but I was once told the damn things go up like matchsticks. I was involved with a news org and I covered one that had indeed been fully burned (maybe because some trailer parks are in rural areas). Anyway, hopefully they’ve made them safer these days.

          • Mimihaha

            Also tornadoes.

        • Jonny On Maui

          FabMac is building our house. In central California. Should be here next week. We’re going to record the trek up to the property.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            They can be really nice so long as you upkeep them ^.^ Plus, lots are being made with recycled materials so bonus

          • Jonny On Maui

            Oh I get maintenance. The former salt mine once went to a ‘preventative maintenance upon failure’ mode. The equipment never failed unless it was at the most critical moment. The policy didn’t last and the moran responsible for it got pushed up to spread his fuckery even further.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            gug. Sorry that happened

          • Jonny On Maui

            It’s all in the numbers.

            “Hey, we saved a bundle in maintenance costs!”

            “Did it offset the downtime and rework costs?” Strange, that question was ignored…

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            That sounds oddly Snyder-esque. Is your moran by chance the Govenor of Michigan?

          • Jonny On Maui

            Nope. This clusterfuck managed to find another home in the incestuous areospace industry. At least he wasn’t screwing up our floor work anymore…

          • Keep us posted Jonny. I’m curious how it goes. We design/build a “high-performance” version of pre-fabricated housing.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Will Do!

        • Msmlg1979

          I rent a trailer as well. I’m saving for a house. I’m not throwing away any more rent than I have to. No one has ever come to my place and felt anything less than perfectly comfortable. My lady-magic is strong, and my place is tight!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I should like to buy a house, but the banks sort of chuckle at us, and every time I save anything, something happens XD Usually to the car, or the lads get sick, so on forth.
            It isn’t so bad. At least when you rent and stuff breaks, someone else has to fix it!

          • Msmlg1979

            Right. I have had 2 big financial setbacks this year that put a dent in my savings. It’s hard, but it’s happening for me, slowly but surely. It won’t be happening where I live now. So expensive here!! My landlord doesn’t fix things now, so it won’t seem too different for me. A lot of people prefer never to buy. I hope it works out great for you, either way!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I just want a little stone house up in the mountains someday. Nothing fancy, nothing big, but trees and gardens are must.
            Actually, I would live in a tent so long as the trees and flowers are there, being honest.

          • Msmlg1979

            Right. It’s just me, and the pets. I don’t need anything fancy. Never have.

          • Marion in Savannah

            I don’t know if NACA operates where you are, but I got my house through their program 11 years ago. No down payment, great rates. I paid down a few interest points and have a mortgage with a 2.125% interest rate. Look into it — it’s for real.

            https://www.naca.com

        • Sunnyhorse

          My grandmother, divorced back in the ’50s, owned her own trailer and lot for 26 years. When I was a kid, her neighborhood was pristine—every trailer was well maintained, the yards were bursting with flowers and trees, and the residents looked out for one another. She and I took a drive back there not many years before she died, and we were both heartbroken—it looked more like what you see in that photo upthread.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            There’s a local park on my drive to work that was like that. And then a hispanic family moved in, tried to fix it up, painted the thing a bright robbin blue and put out planters. Now, the neighbors are getting into the swing, getting rid of junk and putting out planters ^.^Sometimes i guess it just takes one.

          • Blank Ron

            I’ve seen things like that happen in neighbourhoods of row houses. Bloody viral, it is. In a good way.

        • HanBarbara

          My very first grown up home- I was in the Air Force and just outside the main gate to the base was a trailer park that rented to enlisted people. $100 a month, no security deposit. I was really proud of that little trailer.

        • xy

          random debris strewn about may be an artistic choice on her part. she’s trying to tell a story damnit. a story about all the random shit that turned up in front of her house but a story nonetheless.

          unless i’m overthinking it but i doubt it since i don’t think while writing.

      • Logic of Color

        I lived in a couple of them as a kid. They were actually very nice. Who knows, maybe I’ll do it again for retirement.

        • Jenny

          I’d like to make a bit more money so I can put the idiot parents and brother into it so they’ll leave the rest of the world alone.

      • Jenny

        Me too. I remember enjoying it and not being terrified when North Texas storms hit it. My mom claims the roof always lifted off the studs though and hated living in one.

      • Gristle McThornbody

        I skulk around Pinterest a lot and you wouldn’t believe what you can actually do with old cargo containers as far as housing options go. I’ve never checked on the cost to get them habitable, but there are some really cool looking multi-unit places.

        • Jenny

          I love the tiny houses. I’d love to have one in Montana one day

        • h4rr4r

          Old cargo containers are terrible as housing. They are loud, hot in the summer and cold in the winter. They were made to haul cargo not for housing. For the same cost you can make a tiny proper structure.

      • deanbooth

        I’ve always had an aversion to ‘trailer trash’ references, and put them in the same category as insults about flipping burgers or obesity. Those three categories cover about 40% of the population. Why does America hate Americans?

      • jmhm

        I have quite a bit of sympathy for this woman. The system has utterly failed her, she seems to have hooked up with a real bottom feeder, her son is headed for the same system that failed her without a whole lot of inhouse role models, and she doesn’t seem to have the skills to get out.

        All the same, I’d be way happier if I felt confident that any of the little she has is in her name and her ‘fiancé’ hasn’t already spent the rest of it.

    • Naytch

      “We shame ourselves, to watch people like this live.”
      Jackie Brown- John Mellancamp

      So glad Mississippi has poverty fixed so they can argue about domestic battery and divorce.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Also make the bible the state book. That too.

    • Jenny

      Is that a TV to the left?

      • limberrat

        Looks like the fridge.

        • caitifty

          Or maybe a full length mirror?

    • Sunnyhorse

      My god, this story depresses me.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Only six minutes?
    Boooooorrriiinnnggg!

  • SayItWithWookies

    So are they gonna make up Freddie Green to look like Donald Trump? Because that sorta shit could be weaponized.

  • Ryan Denniston
    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I like this line:

      It’s also too soon to weigh the merits of sex as a tool for cancer prevention, said Siobhan Sutcliffe, a cancer researcher at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis who wasn’t involved in the study.

      “Sexual activity can have some negative health consequences, such as acquiring a sexually transmitted infection,” Sutcliffe noted by email.

      Who the hell gives themselves an STD by spankin it?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Poor lady is not very bright AND has to bear the burden of a striking resemblance to the world’s most despised man. At least she’s getting some Tubmans out of the deal.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Further possible irony detected; fiancee is so angerbear over the idea of her sleeping around that he drags her on Maurry, and yet, when she is offered 10 grand, he gets all excited about the idea of her sleeping around?

    Am I reading this right? This cannot possibly be a real thing. My brain refuses to accept that this is a real thing.

    • Belasaurius

      I read in another article that the sex she will be having is with him.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Oh well. That is better at least, in some way. Not in a big way, since he’s still putting his one and only on display for lots of other people and is fine by that so long as there is money involved, but it does make more sense now.

        • Belasaurius

          we’re using the word “sense” in the loosest possible way here, correct?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Very very loosest possible way. As loose a definition as you can get and still claim a relatioship with the word.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            In the Mississippi sense of sense, yes.

      • doktorzoom

        Yes, I guess I could have made that clearer

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Ain’t you, Dok. I’ve been learning that I must have an air route over my head, judging from the amount of things that fly right over it ^.^ I should have taken that for granted when she called it a sex tape and not a porno.

        • Karen Marie

          No, it was perfectly clear. I think Belasaurius’s mind was blown thinking about it and blacked out when who her costar would be was mentioned.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Cindi Lauper sang that “money changes everything.” She might have been on to something.

  • limberrat

    Wait…so her fiance claims she cheated on him on national TV and she still stayed with him? Only in Mississippi…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      They ALWAYS do. Coworker used to watch those shows and since she is an eld I did not complain, but they always, always, always stay with the douche.
      Accuses her of stepping out, beating her, molesting the kids, whatever.

      • beingreleased

        Ain’t love wonderful.

    • h4rr4r

      They pay these people to be on these shows. It’s all fake.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Sure, next you tell us wrasslin is scripted!

  • TheGrandWaz00

    That video will give a whole ‘nother meaning to going ‘viral’.

  • Logic of Color

    This is not going to be as good as “Nailin’ Palin”

    • John Smith

      Is that you Todd? (works with either Sarah or Bristol)

  • hollydturner

    I love this you guys so much! I’m crying here! This story has everything a nasty snark mob could ever ask for. The Universe handed us a plum with this one kids. Shit, I have the hiccups and my cheeks hurt.

    • Msmlg1979

      I honestly don’t know whether to laugh, cry, laughcry, crawl under my desk and suck my thumb, go live on an empty mountaintop as a hermit with only my dogs for company, be grateful this is not my life, or just party til I fall over dead.

      • hollydturner

        I vote for Party! You don’t have to fall over dead though….Just pass out on your bunk.

        • Msmlg1979

          When I wake up will people have some sense??

          • hollydturner

            No. The stupid will still be there when you sober up. So the answer is – Keep on Partying! And in honor of Prince
            Like It’s 1999

          • tinker12

            I bought a purple bong today in honor of Prince.

          • Karen Marie

            You jest.

          • Msmlg1979

            Yes. Yes, I do. But I can dream!

          • Boojum

            No.

      • Herasmus B. Lyon

        Just be grateful you don’t live in Mississippi. (Assuming you don’t; if you do, then never mind)

        • tinker12

          I spent a week in Mississippi one afternoon. Home of the Subway shop offering green meat and brown lettuce. I kid you not.

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Eh, there’s no place to run. Someone would just blow the top off your mountain to see if there was any coal underneath. Better to just pour another drink and wait for the inevitable.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if there really was a God, she would have failed the lie detector test and it would have been discovered that she was one of the women that Ted Cruz allegedly slept with.

    • laineypc

      I thought the story was going to be how they did a paternity to see if Ted is her dad.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Now, if XHamster was to start it like an episode of “Ow My Balls,” with EmasculaTed taking a few shots to the groin before the sexxx, it would become a super-meta Mobius Strip of Hurt.

    • Hutch

      Feature 1 “Ow My Balls”
      Feature 2 “Yikes My Asshole”
      Feature 3 “Easy, Easy, EASY DAMMIT!”

  • Mississippi – goddanm.

  • schmannity

    Opening scene: Pizza delivery man in a RCMP uniform. Ma’am, “you ordered the poutine and Canadian bacon, extra cheese?” Theodora: “forget that. Why are you called Mounties?” Bow chicka wow wow.

    • therblig

      Studley Screwright?

  • chiefkurtz

    I thought porn videos were only 40 seconds long. A friend told me.

  • Belasaurius

    6 minutes breakdown
    0:00-4:00–sweeping Cheeto crumbs out of bed
    4:01-4:45–actual sex (includes foreplay, i.e. taking out partial dentures and checking for open sores)
    4:46-6:00–smokes and credits.

    • Tio_Doidinho

      44″ of sex? That seems rather generous, no?

      • Belasaurius

        that includes the copious weeping

        • BearGHAZI

          “Got the old lady pretty wet last night… up to her cankles in tears!”

    • Shoto

      Showbiz!

    • JH Marx

      You shure no a lot about porm videos!1!1!

  • FauxAntocles

    I disgusted myself, so naturally I felt the need to share –
    Bring Ted in as her father…

    • BosGrl

      Father Ted?

  • chiefkurtz

    She’s a ‘cum loud’ graduate of Princeton….(mods, please don’t block me)

  • Logic of Color

    So I hear Cruz and Kasich are ganging up on Trump

    • Zippy W Pinhead

      except kasich already blew it

  • Gleem-McShinez

    The moment when you realize feeling will never return to your now-inverted Jimmies-zone:

    When Wolf Blitzer starts asking Ted Cruz his feelings about it at the next Republican debate, and you realize they both watched it.

  • Dolmance

    She’s like the living embodiment of common sense.

    I’d like to put her in the Senate.

    • Biff52

      Or at least on the twenty!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Eh. She and her boyfriend? That is way too tame. I think xhamster should lay out some real money and make a Congressional-themed gang bang video. Something she can be proud of! And something that can bring us all together as Americans.

    • Shibusa

      Mr. Smith Goes Down On Washington

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    You’d think a Ted Cruz pron movie would be nothing but endeless masturbation

    • Shibusa

      Well he is a masterdebator.

    • FauxAntocles

      If it’s a feather pillow, does it count as a chicken?

  • AnOuthouse

    They would make excellent special guests on that Duggar show.

  • LadyLaz

    1. I will pay you to NOT watch that. Ug. But yes, they do look so similar as to be uncanny.

    2. Total aside, but the more I hear Kasich, the more I don’t like that guy. He’s like permanent grumpy old dude: “what? answer a question about whether Washington DC should be a state?” Yes, ef knocker, you’ve been asked a question by the Washington Times. And I hear this is his personality. He is a bumptious dude.

  • First rule when someone offers you money for a sex tape – assuming you’re willing to do it in the first place: never less than a million dollars. If they want you to do it that badly, they’ll pay. They’ve got the money.

    • David Roosa

      I learned this the hard way.

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        Around here what you say is called “Preaching to the choir,” brother.

  • TundraGrifter

    Snatches in Natchez?

    • Boojum

      Mississippi Slippy

      • Major_Major_Major

        Mississippi Mudslide: Back at Y’all

  • AnOuthouse

    $10,000? Barstool is sooooooo piiissssed.

    • Antimassacree

      I don’t know. If you add up the receipts from the last time the Alaska National Guard convoy came through Wasilla…

  • TheGrandWaz00

    I give the video two thumbs up. Up where, I will not say.

    • aureolaborealis

      Hey, you can watch the video however you want to.

  • Zippy W Pinhead

    I’m holding out for the Jim Webb snuff flick

    • Antimassacree

      He wouldn’t be around to talk about it anymore.

  • Tio_Doidinho

    “This American Life” did a story back in ’08 about a Puerto Rican guy in the Bronx who bears a remarkable resemblance to Obama. He spent some time from 2008-11 doing standard PR-related stuff. As I dimly recall, he was offered a pr0n flick part but turned it down.

  • sosuume

    My only question is which bathroom is she being forced to use?

  • Ryan Denniston

    “has offered $10,000 to Hayes and Green to make a six-minute sex tape”

    Ah, so it’s with Green. I was wondering, a six minute sex tape? Where are they going to find an actor who can only last 6 minutes?

    • Biff52

      Tasteful editing?

  • h4rr4r

    “We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married,”

    Uh, lady this is $10,000 not a million.

    • Tio_Doidinho

      Erm, “Mississippi”.

    • Master Contrail Program

      It’s a million pennies. One can certainly Scrooge McDuck around in that.

    • jmhm

      Well, presumably she got some pittance for letting him call her unfaithful on national television. Which, whatever, but he also tried to get out of being the father of his child, who was RIGHT THE FUCK THERE, ASSHOLE, while she’s supporting his ass so I’m not sanguine about how much of that money she’s ever going to see.

  • h4rr4r

    Is she going to dress up as Ted?

  • Herasmus B. Lyon

    “We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married”
    In Natchez, Mississippi you can probably do all this for $10K, if you don’t go crazy on the wedding reception.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Hey, I could use $10k as well. I might watch the video if you paid me that much.

  • fawkedifiknow

    “Cocktale” starring Tom Cruz.

    • therblig

      “Bottom Gun” – i feel the hump for trump!

      • thixotropic jerk

        “Cherry Maguire” – show me the hunnies!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I hope we find out out that the beans Trump was threatening to spill about Heidi Cruz turns out he discovered she paid some online porno company $10,000.00.

  • tinker12

    Being that their house is prolly on wheels, it’s conceivable that they could buy a POS truck, pay off the “house,” get married at Walmart and have some of them cakes we like for $10K.

    • Skadi

      Quite possibly. 10k in some parts of the country can still go a long way. It’s probably more money than she’s seen at one time in her entire life.

      • Biff52

        I was far older than 21 before I had amassed my first $10K.

  • TheBidenator

    Please god don’t let us look like that, don’t let that be us.
    – Ted Cruz’s kids.

  • therblig

    you know, searcy hayes dressing up like ted cruz doesn’t mean she can use the men’s room.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba
    • anon_the_great

      I know. Now I want her even more.

      “Short worded.”

    • JohnE_o

      Infinitely more likeable than Ted Cruz, that’s for certain.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That’s really damning with faint praise.

        • JohnE_o

          More like an exercise in cardinality – what is the result of multiplying an infinity by an infinitesimal?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Can’t or won’t explain it.

    • Skadi

      She’s a very young woman, after all. I was fairly dim at that age.

  • John Smith

    How about naming it “Something Trump Wouldn’t do to be President”?

  • cessnadriver

    Stupidity should be painful.

    • Marion in Savannah

      There aren’t enough opiates in the world to address that…

  • anon_the_great

    She is gorgeous. I’d be honored to be nekked with her.

    • Gorillionaire

      She is what they call a “Mississippi 10.”

      • anon_the_great

        Uh, are you fat shaming or dumb shaming or are you just calling her cracker? Not quite sure which way you are trying to humiliate this woman.

        • janecita

          Do you have a crush on Ted Cruz?

        • paul helssom

          She looks like Ted Cruz. This is way beyond humiliation.

          And there’s nothing wrong, yet, with shaming the stupid. I’m sure they will eventually leave the company of white males with more money than you and become a protected class, but for now we can still rag on dipshits.

        • HazooToo

          To be completely fair to her, she’s actually far better looking than Ted Cruz. But she looks like him. He is an uglier, more punchable version of her. Are you new here, or are you just here for the weird porn article? Coz around here, we say mean, horrible, nasty things about Cruz. And because she happens to look like him, there may be some run-off. So if you’re just a fan of the lady, you should probably not read any more comments on this article, they will only upset you. If you are a troll tho, PLEASE stay! We need more quality entertainment around here. But you better bring your A-game and make it funny!

  • Rickyphoo

    I am assuming that when you say I can’t watch it for free, you mean they will pay me to watch it. But sorry, there isn’t enough money in the Koch bank account to get me to watch that turkey.

  • Relativicus

    To me, the fact nobody — and I mean nobody — wanted to discuss the Ted Cruz sex scandal, because “ew,” remains the most remarkable event in a campaign filled with remarkable events.

    • thixotropic jerk

      Just wait

  • BearGHAZI

    Um… how come I’m not famous?

    • thixotropic jerk

      You are it’s just in your own mind

  • bumfug

    The headline is right, you certainly “can not watch it for free” — the searing pain in your eyeballs would be only the beginning of the price you’d pay.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Hah! Where we’re going, we won’t need eyes to see!

  • proudgrampa

    “Help Us Name The World’s First Ted Cruz Hardcore Gay Porn Flick, Starring Ted Cruz!’

    That was so prophetic, it’s scary…

  • laughingnome

    Not sure if this has been mentioned but Ted is vetting Carly Fiorina to be veep. Could be a tie-in for the flick.

    • therblig

      “You Let Me Pack Her”?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “I Was Tapped for Vice President”

    • Biff52

      Because she’s so popular? Sure, that’ll work.

    • jmhm

      “…so when we kick the foreigners out, your job will be waiting for them when they get home.”

    • wavicles

      Her?

  • bumfug

    The only way this could possibly be worse is if they found a woman who looked like Hillary to be her co-star.

    • Markuserektus

      …rule34.

    • Gayer Than Thou

      To go with the apparent theme (?), wouldn’t it have to be a man who bears a strong resemblance to Hillary?

      • bumfug

        My mind jumps immediately to lesbian porn.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          Mine too. Well, not *lesbian* exactly…

          • Courser

            Just fuckin’ creepy, that’s what.

  • She sounds treasonous.

  • chascates

    Any chance her fiancee Freddie Green looks like Ben Carson, Marco Rubio. or Jeb! Bush?

    • therblig

      or carly. how cool would that be?

      (i know, a heretofore unknown definition of “cool”)

      • Markuserektus

        Plot twist: Cruz is vetting iCarly for a veep slot.

        • therblig

          but even the wingyest of the wingnuts didn’t want her. i can’t believe i’m saying this, but if he puts her on the ticket, cruz had better hire a food taster and extra security.

    • Master Contrail Program

      “While I Was Sleeping”

      A Ben Carson XXX Parody

  • Swampay

    If a woman who looks surprisingly like Elizabeth Warren decides to make a sex tape, let me know. I’ll be in my bunk.

  • paul helssom

    “I want to get my son whatever he wants.”

    Most sons want a mom their friends can’t find sucking cocks on Xhamster.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Now. Now. We haven’t seen the script yet. It might be tastefully handled.

      • FZsdaughter

        Bahaha!!!

      • mailman27

        She will only suck cock to the extent that it advances the plot.

        • MarkM

          How much motivation would it take to let a woman who looks like Ted Cruz blow you?

    • thixotropic jerk

      For 10 grand worth of hot wheels, Little Jimmy might just change his mind:

      “Mommy, you can suck all the cockies you want to, okay?”

  • Ranina

    Far more interesting would be a docu-drama with her trying to go into a women’s restroom in NC and encountering an Inspector Genital.

    • HazooToo

      That’s it, that’s the porno-plot, right there!

    • Marion in Savannah

      “Inspector Genital…” Boy oh boy, are you ever lucky that I had put down my tea… Brilliant!

      • Ranina

        Thanks- Remember you saw it here first! ;-0

  • Kelley

    There’s nothing else for me to add…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMUEqRx-C-g

  • SnarkOff

    USA! USA!

  • Master Contrail Program

    “FornicaTED”?

    • Major_Major_Major

      My eyes have been violaTED. My brain has been molesTED, so now I will get wasTED.

  • Master Contrail Program

    “Cruzin For D”?

  • Master Contrail Program

    “Dick Dominion(ism)”?

  • Rick Hill

    You have to pay to watch it.

    Could someone strike through that and replace it with “You couldn’t pay me to watch it.”?

    • zerosumgame0005

      I could not be paid enough to watch the real Ted “doing it”! much less an imitator

      • Rick Hill

        I would atually pay to not watch it.

        • zerosumgame0005

          deal! how much?

    • Zhu Bajie

      It’ll get into the “download free” section of the Net quickly enough, I’m sure!

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Green eggs and cram?
    The Thorax?

    And if it was a Trump sex tape : a person’s a person no matter how small.

  • Candy Apple

    Wait wait wait — if she’s supposed to play Ted, and she’s going to be banging a guy, doesn’t that make this a homosexshul porno??!1! Cruz will not be happy about this.

    Also, “Fifty Shades of Poutine” or GTFO

  • JParkerSD46

    Where’s the Trump look-alike? For that, xhamster might up it to $12k.

    • Antimassacree

      Isn’t that an exHamster on Trump’s head?

  • Me not sure

    I’m trying to be non-judgemental. If this woman can make quick $10k on anything sexual, I say take the money and run like a thief. I. suspect this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

    • Skadi

      Considering that she’s a young woman with a child, I agree. $10,000 might not go as far as her optimistic fantasies, but it would buy a heck of a lot of zwieback and diapers.

      • jmhm

        Only apparently her inbred slut-shaming POSSLQ already has the money spent on ‘their’ truck. And hey, he sounds nice.

    • Biff52

      Well, not for a single act, but those quarters add up!

    • Lily412

      Yeah, I feel like parts of the post and some of the comments are a little too mean. The only thing I worry about it how her community will treat her after shooting the film. People are judgmental assholes about that stuff.

      • Me not sure

        Yeah, and $10k won’t buy much of a pickup truck these days

        • Lily412

          I haven’t priced a truck recently, but I imagine the situation is pretty dismal.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Just when I thought this election couldn’t get any dumber…

    It’s like every time we seem to have hit rock-bottom, the cavern floor collapses under a worker’s feet and he falls screaming into an even deeper pit of stupid.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married,”

    If Peter Jackson can stretch the 250-ish page The Hobbit into three 3-hour movies, they can surely stretch a Ted Cruz lookalike out.

    • William Halley

      Phrasing! Boom!

  • Zhu Bajie

    So, IS there some DNA connection between Calgary Cruz and Ms Searcy? Ted’s been known to fool around and I’ll bet he likes condoms no more than any other Con-boy.

    • But condoms are against the bible. Onan was killed because he spilled his seed in a non-approved recepticle!

  • JoeChristmas

    For once it’s true:

    Worst. Porn. Ever.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    This is what makes America great.

  • Idaho4644

    $10k for six minutes of work? Who do they think they are? Members of Congress?

    • Skadi

      Unlike a member of Congress, her work will require some actual physical effort.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Betting she spends the 10 grand for surgery not to look like Ted Cruz.

  • William Halley

    “My Little Porny!”

  • “Gal Who Looks Like Ted Cruz Will Do Porno For $10K”

    I thought it might happen, and now it has. The internet has gotten too weird for me.

  • thixotropic jerk

    Why only six minutes? Oh, got it, because that’s how long Tumescent Ted would last in the sack in real life!

    • MarkM

      Do you really think he’d last six minutes? I think he’s spraying his Chunky Splooge after ninety seconds-two minutes tops.

      • Duke

        Loses his erection after two minutes without cumming.

        Blames liberals for defiling America.

        Finishes, alone, onto a Constitution pamphlet.

  • thixotropic jerk

    For 10 X The Hawtness: add in the porn actress who played Mooselini in “Nalin’ Pailin”

  • madmonq

    Finally! A reason to watch porn. Ted Cruz!

  • aureolaborealis

    Everybody’s all:

    I would not watch it in the dark,
    I would not watch it in the park,
    I would not watch it in a house,
    I would not watch it with a mouse,
    Not in a box,
    Not with a fox,
    Not on a train,
    Not in the rain,
    Not on a boat,
    Not in a coat …

    But we know how this story ends.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes, with someone totally missing the point of the story…that you can’t know if you don’t like it if you don’t try it.

      • Come here a minute

        I’m fairly certain Dr. Suess would approve of skipping this without trying it first.

  • thixotropic jerk

    Just for the surrealness of it, she should fuck Ted for six minutes, but then it would turn into a snuff flick because she would srsly off herself afterwards no matter how much she got paid!

    • doktorzoom

      Nope, that one’s over the line. Please review the rules.

      — Dok Zoom, Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator

  • Annie Towne

    Dok, Dok, Dok, I could kiss you for writing “incurious”!!! Every time I see “uncurious” some vital part of myself is lost, never to be found again. Marry me.

    • fredfnord

      I always misread ‘uncurious’ as ‘unctuous’ and am invariably confused.

  • boll ocks

    Where’s the Trump version? It needs to exist, although I need to never see either of them.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’m sorry, but I would not watch this pr0n for free. Forget about paying for it. As Elaine Benes would say, GET OUT!

  • Master Contrail Program

    Derpy Does Dallas, or vice versa.

  • Be Gin

    First the GOP had to hire strippers who dressed up as Sarah Palin for the 2008 convention.

    Then drumpf shared his incest fantasy with us as if we wanted it.

    Now we have surrogate porn actors for Ted.

    Christ!

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    So…this is a snuff video?

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Nah, just the other one where the real Ted Cruz visits ISIL. That one was disappointing.

    • MarkM

      Yes – just speculating about it has killed my sex drive.

  • URQ196

    She should use the money for plastic surgery or a face transplant.

  • WhyFelicia

    This is why we can’t have nice things.

    • mailman27

      I’m beginning to think nice things are things of the past.

  • xy

    if you can buy a new truck, a house, and pay for a wedding with $10,000(less taxes) in Mississippi then i may have reconsider my living arrangements.

    • Antimassacree

      Mississippi transactions are usually conducted by exchanging chickens for goods and services, so someone with actual US dollars can expect to be treated well.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Stung by reports that American porn threatens to become grosser than German porn, producer Hans Dieter Pieter of PUFA (Pornografische Unerträgliche Film AG) has announced that he has located a labrador retriever that distinctly resembles Paul LePage. “Ve moost und vill azshur da Vorld dot Cherman vock vlicks are der disgoostingest!” he exclaimed.

  • Mavenmaven

    The Koch brothers are still wanking off to Scott Walker attacking the unions.

  • Duke

    Maybe she’ll go girl-on-girl with the Sara Palin look-alike.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      throw in that old biddy that looks like the Queen, and they could cosplay some new revolution stuff, all hot and tea-party like.

  • Bill Slider

    I ass m having trouble getting my arms around, forget about getting my dick aroused, a person who appears to think Ted Cruz is President, who is running for re-election, and who remains unsure he is qualified to earn the nation’s support for re-election. Once I can grasp all of that, I have no doubt that it would be easy to consider buying a new truck, paying off the mortgage and getting married for $10,000. Where is EQ when we need him?

  • King Honkey

    Big vote for ‘PenetraTed’! Oh Internet, why do you love us so?!

  • TeenLaQueefa

    Man.

    They need to throw in an extra thou to get her to cut her hair like Teds, and buy her a cheap GOP suit and have her boyfriend fuck her in the ass while dressed like Donny “The Studly Orange Haired Bastard” Drumpf.

    I’d so fucking pay to see that.

    • Walter Wellstone

      I’d watch that.

  • Kavefish

    Possible Title Missing From List:

    Pillow Talk

  • Asparago

    PenetraTED!

  • Master Contrail Program

    From Havana to Calgary: An Erotic Journey of Exceptional Americanism

  • Master Contrail Program

    Carnal Cruz

    • TeenLaQueefa

      CarnEvil Cruise?

      • Master Contrail Program

        The Fat and The Furious: Washington Grift

  • Daisyjreyes3

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cg342ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cg342n:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsHubGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!cg342n….,…

    • Master Contrail Program

      Isn’t there a way to block this dipshit spammer? All it does is change the name and the last word after “employments”. Pops up between 2 and 3 am EST every night too.

    • Marion in Savannah

      DIAF, bot. Reported to Disqus.

    • Antimassacree

      “Wow. I’ve never had someone tell me, ‘Here, have a job that takes no time, but makes a bazillion dollars.’ Where do I sign up. I want my son to have everything he wants…living here in Mississippi.”

      –Ms. Hayes

    • I thought your “roomate Lori” got paid to fuck people while looking like Ted Cruz.

  • Stein Olsen

    I am done with humanity. Where do I sign out? I want to join the amphibians.

    • jmk

      We welcome you. We welcome everybody!!!

      • Lamashtar

        That cute hat isn’t fooling anyone!

        • jmk

          No, no, really…we are cuddly… if you don’t mind the damp!!

  • freakishlystrong

    Goddamn, I’m really bleary, it’s fucking early and my alarm just dragged me out of REM for the first time in a week. This story and writing are so “Wonket”, and it’s what keeps me laughing through the pain. I vote for “Fuck this Election”, btw.

  • akryan

    This woman seriously doesn’t know who the president is? That is fucking pathetic even for Mississippi.

    • “Well for your information, I don’t pay attention to who’s president of Delta House, because they’re all a bunch of stuck-up bitches. So there!

      And I voted for Dr Phil for surgeon general! I’m more intellectual-like that you think, see? I guess you just got tolded off, huh?”

  • SCK

    Fuck, how am I supposed to keep a straight face today?

  • Walter Wellstone

    You can’t make this shit up. Well done, Mississippi; well done indeed. Keep making us proud.

  • reelreeler

    wow….$10K will buy you a truck and pay off a house in Mississippi

    • kev

      but it’s in mississippi. there’s the catch.

      • reelreeler

        lol

  • NoGoodnik

    There’s a reason why Lyin’ Ted and Ms. Hayes (no relation to Chris, I’m sure) look so much alike: they are the same person! Ms. Hayes is Lyin’ Ted’s transgendered alternative personality! Have you ever seen them together? I don’t think so, and you never will because they can’t!

  • mardam422

    You know, the more I see, hear and read about states like Mississippi, Texas, North Carolina, enter name of favorite southern state here, the more I’m sure that they aren’t really going to secede. We’re just going to eventually leave them behind.

    • kev

      dear confederacy:

      we’ve had a change of heart and we’re totally down with that secession thing.

      sincerely,

      the north

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Googling “how to make a sex tape on an iPhone,” well, that doesn’t leave a lot of space to move on top of. How about the abandoned Palin compound television studio? I mean, if they might get married, that should fall in line with the Palin Family Values thingy?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    It’s uncanny. Perhaps Ted is the one who should take a DNA test.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    More famous than Madonna? Don’t let Camille Paglia hear that. She’ll cut a bitch.

  • Macbill

    She’d have to pay me to view it.

  • cheetojeebus

    Dickmageddon, The Unfappening…

  • Shoto

    “…I don’t know his positions…”

    Ewwww….

  • hvdv

    When your options in life are limited, you have to seize the opportunities. Go, Searcy. Get your son the best. And make that money last, please.

  • As long as she doesn’t use any NC public bathrooms or anything…

  • SeeTrain65

    Pass.

  • DutchS

    I have been on several long sausage-fest military deployments as well as a variety of stints in some very isolated places and I never …. no….no way. Somebody hide all the sharp objects so I don’t poke my eyes out.

  • danteardenz

    Lyin Ted Cruz might be stopped a mens restroom now !

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