SHARE
God has a cruel sense of humor
God has a cruel sense of humor

The internet is a wonderful thing. It brings us amusing My Little Pony memes, cat videos, and GIFs of people falling off stuff, pow, right on their bottoms. And porn, of course. So it makes perfect sense that the internet’s latest viral sensation (as of a few days ago, at least, which means she’s already passé), Searcy Hayes, a 21-year-old from Natchez, Mississippi, who looks uncannily like Ted Cruz, has accepted an offer to do a six-minute porn video for $10,000. How did Ms. Hayes come to public attention in the first place? She was on the Maury Povich television show, of course:

Hayes went on the show after her fiance, 25-year-old Freddie Green, accused her of cheating on him. All was resolved in typical Maury fashion when she passed a lie detector test and DNA results showed her 3-month-old son was Green’s.

Hayes, not surprisingly, doesn’t follow politics, and had absolutely no idea who “Ted Cruz” is, making her only slightly less well-informed than the show’s viewing audience. Even after finding out she looked like the guy, she seemed profoundly incurious about who Ted Cruz is:

“I don’t know his positions and I’ve never seen him, so I don’t know if he’s done a good enough job to be reelected,” she told The Huffington Post.

When we pointed out that Cruz isn’t actually president, just a candidate, she said, “Well, yeah, I don’t know anything about him.”

And pundits wonder why Donald Trump is polling so well.

Fortunately, Hayes now has an opportunity to monetize her meme status: porn site XHamster.com has offered $10,000 to Hayes and Green to make a six-minute sex tape. XHamster is getting pretty good at this sort of publicity stunt; just a couple of weeks back they brilliantly cockblocked porn streaming to North Carolina in “protest” of that state’s terrible hate-the-gays law.

Ms. Hayes accepted the offer, because hey, ten thousand bucks, and she’d already made private sex tapes anyway, so sure, if it helps America, whatever.

“I’m fine with it because everything is going to support my family,” she said. “I want to get my son whatever he wants.”

Now there’s somebody with a firm grasp of personal finance. Green also has perfectly reasonable expectations for how far $10,000 will go:

“We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married,” he says. “I never had anyone say, ‘Here’s $10,000! Go make a sex tape.’”

Green admits he’s excited by Hayes’ newfound fame.

“It’s kind of exciting and shocking to know she’s famous — she’s more famous than Madonna!” he said. “I’m with a star.”

Madonna was unavailable for comment; repeated calls by Wonkette went unanswered, except this one time we’re pretty sure we heard weeping coming right through the ringtone.

HuffPo reports Mr. Green is preparing for his porn premier by “Googling terms like ‘How to make a sex tape on an iPhone.'”

The production does not yet have a working title; we’d like to suggest a few:

  • Green Eggs and Cram
  • Debbie Does Alberta
  • Primary Erection
  • PenetraTED
  • New Pork Values
  • Shove Obamacare Down My Throat
  • Fuck This Election
  • Still A Better Love Story Than “Twilight”
  • 51 Shades Of Chunky Soup
  • Layin’ Ted
Or they could just adapt any of the million or so comments from our “Name the Ted Cruz Gay Porn Flick” story, like this one from the Facebook: “Give Me Head ‘Til I’m Ted: The story of a boy named Rafael who just wanted to be a real American.” We’re sure they’ll think of something.

We wish Ms. Hayes nothing but the best, and also would like to remind all of you in the comments to not make fun of her looks, because isn’t having a passing similarity to Ted Cruz and living in Natchez, Mississippi, enough for one person to bear?

In related news, a South Dakota woman who looks remarkably like John Kasich keeps posting her picture to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, but it’s like no one even notices her.

[HuffPo]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleJim Webb Feeling Mighty Stabby About These Goldurned Injun-Lovin’ Andrew Jackson Haters
Next articleTexas School Board Candidate Pretty Sure Pre-K Turns Kids Into Little Gay Whores