SHARE

Via Wikimedia Commons
Via Wikimedia Commons
Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. This week, we’ve got more stories of restaurant employees whose crap was just in no way together. As always, these are real emails from real readers.

This is the second-to-last Off The Menu to appear on Wonkette. Starting Monday, May 2, Off The Menu will be appearing in its new home at Thrillist. If you’d like to keep up with everyone who saves bread and is allergic to crunchy, that’ll be where you’ll find it.

Ursula Nance

I live in a small northern Arizona town where the ethnic diversity is broken down into either White or Latino, who mutually loathe and ignore each other. In my town, black people are regarded mythologically: you hear about them, everyone has a friend who says they’ve seen one, yet no one has actually encountered any.

One afternoon, I was finishing my shift at a popular local diner, where I unfortunately spent several years working during grad school, when I found my manager standing with one of the bus boys in the kitchen (already an odd sight, because these two absolutely hated one another), both staring agape into the dining room, because we’d had a black family come in.

I take their orders and go to put in the tickets when my manager snatches the ticket out of my hand and reads it. She then states with child-like wonder, “eggs … they eat eggs …” and our bus boy next to her simply whispers, “eggs …”

Till the day I quit, the bus boy and manager would occasionally look at each other and just say the word “eggs” with total awe.

Andrew Williams

My sister decided to become a vegetarian at age five, after learning where the meat we ate came from. My parents were happy to accommodate and things were generally fine whenever we were at home. Traveling was another story, though, and we did a fair amount of it. I assume things are better now (this was 10-15 years ago), but these trips were usually pretty difficult on my sister, as inquiries about vegetarian options were often met with a blank look, and she was often reduced to eating plain pasta or a salad without the chicken and a side of fries multiple nights in a row.

The worst (or best) experience we ever had, though, was at a Tim Horton’s in Newfoundland, where we must have stopped just entering or exiting the province. My at-the-time ten-year-old sister ordered the vegetable soup, at which point my father interjected to ask whether the soup was made with vegetable stock or chicken/beef stock. The cashier responded that it was beef stock, at which point my father indicated that my sister couldn’t eat it, as she was a vegetarian. The very friendly cashier took about three beats to think before responding, “Well, I don’t think it has a lot of meat in it?”

Paul Lewis

I was meeting a friend on her lunch hour from her store clerk job in a local mall, so the food court was the obvious option. I arrived early so I could find out what she wanted and get all our food arranged, so that when she got free we didn’t have to spend part of the lunch waiting in line.

So I wait in line for whatever we were eating (I’ve since forgotten). When I got to the point of ordering drinks, I asked for my drink (a large diet soda) and her large water. I specifically said I knew that it wouldn’t be free and I’d be happy to pay for it.

He arrived with the food, a large soda and a tiny paper cup of water. I repeated that I wanted a large water and that I’d pay the full price of a soda for it. He said, “I’m sorry, but water only comes in one size.” I told him, “No, water comes in whatever size cup you put it in. I’ll pay full price for a soda.” He repeated “I’m sorry, water only comes in one size.” The manager came up and asked if there was a problem. The kid, now nearly in tears, said “He wants a large glass of water.” The manager turned to me, obviously to explain the water policy, when I said, again, “I’ve already offered to pay full price for it.”

When the manager turned back to the kid and explained that all he had to do was ring up their reduced price for a cup with ice and put water in it, the kid wailed, “But he didn’t ask for a cup of ice. He wanted a cup of water. Water only comes in one size!”

Tim Osterwick

My wife and I sit down in an ‘Authentic Mexican Restaurant’ located in downtown LA, and we both order ceviche. The waitress comes back with two bowls of the oddest looking ceviche we have ever seen, but oh well, we dig in.

Not only is it odd-looking, but it’s the spiciest we’ve ever had it! The waitress comes by to check on us, we both remark on the odd, fiery ceviche. She goes in the back, and out comes the waitress and the manager, who apologizes for the waitress, who just started there and didn’t know what ceviche was, so she served us two bowls of jalapeno salsa.

We all had a good laugh, no harm done, tipped her and left, our lips burning like fire.

Aaron Vironis

My husband and I were living in a city that was in a major growth period with lots of money coming in, and new restaurants and bars were opening all the time. We decided to try a new bar that had opened — a very flashy place with a minimal all-white interior, clearly going for a more urban, sleek vibe than the other bars on the street. We got our menus and quickly ordered (we selected drinks that were on the menu, I want to emphasize): a gin and tonic for me, and a martini for my husband.

The way-too-cool bartender made no expression but nodded and went off to get our drinks. A minute later, he set them down for us. Mine was pretty straightforward. Gin, tonic, lime, highball glass. My husband, however, had a lowball glass filled with clear liquor, garnished with a lime — and a salt rim. We both exchanged looks — did he hear margarita? But then why was the liquor so colorless? And he slowly took a sip.

He practically spat it out. “What is this?” he asked the bartender almost as a reflex (he’s the kind of overly polite person who will usually eat the wrong meal rather than correct waitstaff).

“A martini,” the bartender said, looking very unimpressed with our clearly unsophisticated palates.

“No, it isn’t.”

The bartender rolled his eyes and reached under the bar to pull out the bottle of Martini & Rossi Dry Vermouth. He set it on the bar and pointed to the back, to a drink recipe which to be fair, did suggest simply pouring vermouth in a glass with a lime wedge. The salt rim, I guess, had been his signature touch.

Mary Hallington

My husband and I were expecting our first child and his employer unexpectedly transferred him from our hometown of Nashville to Oklahoma City to finish a project there. I was seven months pregnant and we were being moved 12 hours away. Yes, the employer was an ass but my husband couldn’t quit, not with a baby on the way. I could have stayed behind but we wanted to be together during this time.

Now we had driven behind the moving company moving our things and they went ahead while we stopped to eat at the only thing we could find that was open that wasn’t fast food or a Waffle House, a Fazoli’s [Editor’s Note: BREADSTIX BREADSTIX BREADSTIX] somewhere inside Oklahoma. I was tired and sad and hungry so I ordered the first thing that I saw on the menu, some spaghetti with a side salad. The nice young man (I mean YOUNG, he looked like he was 12) rang it up and I asked for the salad dressing on the side (because F’s tended to fricking drown those salads to hide the less than fresh nature of them).

The young boy blinked owlishly at me. “On the side?”

“Yes, please.”

“The side?”

“Yes.” I didn’t understand what the deal was but I think I was too tired to argue or catch on to his confusion.

“Ohhhh kaaay.” And he shook his head but clearly either pitying me or mortally afraid of me (or my condition) he smiled and said it would be right out.

Now I worked in the food industry (if you call Pizza Hut ‘food’) during college, so I’m pretty laid back when it comes to this stuff. We’ve all been there.

We wait for our food and it comes out – the sweet child who took our order brought it out to our table. He very happily places my spaghetti in front of me, followed by my salad.

Which is drowned in dressing on ONE SIDE OF THE SALAD. Like one half of the salad was just utterly covered from top to bottom with the stuff that you couldn’t see any green. I was so stunned I could do nothing but gape at him and his earnest face, so eager to please the crazed pregnant woman.

My husband, who is tired and cranky himself, sputters out, “Are you KIDDING me?”

And the poor kid looks at me in horror and asks, “Is it on the wrong side?”

I burst into laughter until tears streamed down my face. I ate every bit of that salad.

Send Moar Stories!

Do you have a restaurant, home-cooking, or any other food-adjacent story you’d like to see appear in Off the Menu (on ANY subject, not just this one)? Please e-mail WilyUbertrout@gmail.com with “Off the Menu” in the subject line (or you can find me on Twitter @EyePatchGuy). Submissions are always welcome!

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Kirsten

    Eggs!

    • SessileRaptor

      They eat Eggs!

      • OddMan

        But which side of the egg do they eat?
        Are they vegetarians? Do they know the “Marquis de Queensbury” rules of food? What size is the water?
        And most importantly can they make a damn martini?

        Inquiring minds want to know.

        • Jamoche

          Isn’t it which end of the egg they break?

      • Tobias B. Santa

        Eggssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

  • VeggieTart

    Kudos to Andrew Williams’s dad who had the presence of mind to ask if the vegetable soup was made with meat stock.

    Yes, folks, if it’s beef or chicken stock, it’s still meat.

    And yes, in many places, things have gotten better for vegetarians and vegans.

    • Pickwicknext

      Tim Horton’s will not be one of those places

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Eh. If you’re travelling, getting worked up over soup stock is just making yourself miserable, IMHO. And I question the dad’s motives there, a little. If I was a parent, I would rather have my five year old kid eat vegetable soup than iceberg lettuce and french fries, even if I suspected that it wasn’t “Marquis de Queensbury” Vegan. Sometimes it’s better not to ask.

      • justifiable

        No, you wouldn’t. If you’ve been meat-free for a long period of time, reintroducing it like that can make you sick as a dog. That’s bad enough on its own, but it’s the last thing you want to fool with when you’re on the road.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Ridiculous. Large numbers of people throughout history have only had access to meat occasionally. Plenty of Vegans have cheat stories where the only ill effect was guilt. And soup stock is just flavored water.

          • Skadi

            Given that that “vegetable soup” doesn’t have “a lot of meat” the waitress thinks, I’d have been cautious. And I do know a couple people who’ve come down with the shits after re-introducing meat to their gut. It varies from person to person.

          • VeggieTart

            I once had an episode after eating a veggie burger at Johnny Rockets. They probably didn’t clean the grill properly. Ugh.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            I took the point of the story to be that the server did not understand what “stock” was or why a vegetarian would ask about it. I could be wrong.

            I think most vegetable soups with actual meat in would be called “vegetable beef” or “vegetable chicken”, because it’s a “feature”. But I’m sure there are plenty of exceptions too.

          • justifiable

            Honestly, it’s not just the server. There are plenty of clueless chefs who don’t understand that if they put pork bones in the spaghetti sauce they can’t list it as “vegetarian” selection. Granted, this was on the US version of Kitchen Nightmares, where everything should probably be subject to side-eye.

          • commatoes

            This is Tim Horton’s (El Norte’s Dunkin’ Donuts). You can make the reasonably safe assumption that the soup came in a cryovac bag and is just put in the steam table. As Tim’s has made their food selections more varied, they have reduced the amount of skilled labour (they USED to employ ACTUAL bakers). It is fairly common that not a single person in the location (I have a tough time calling Tim’s a restaurant) has anything to do with the preparation of the food.

          • justifiable

            it’s not “ridiculous.” Whether “people throughout history have only had access to meat occasionally” isn’t the issue here. Of course humans possess the enzymes that are necessary to digest meat protein, but if you’ve been a vegan or vegetarian for years, their levels drop, which is why you can be in for a nasty ride if meat’s abruptly introduced into your digestive tract. WMMV – some people get the shits, some get horribly constipated.

          • Diane T.

            No, you. It’s not about the meat, it’s the fat. When I was a vegetarian, even a tiny bit of chicken stock sent me to the bathroom for hours after eating. And that effect takes place within about 30 minutes of eating, so if you’re on the road, that is one of the worst possible situations to have the runs.

            When I stopped being a vegetarian, I could at first only eat meat if I knew I was going to be home for a while because the meal would run right through me. It took a couple months before my guts were prepared to handle animal fat again.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            There’s very little fat in stock, compared to say french fries.

          • justifiable

            Seriously? All lipids are not interchangeable, fat content in soup stock will vary depending on the bones used and the amount of meat/fat on said bones, and French fries aren’t fried in beef tallow any more. The issue isn’t the fat itself, but the type.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Yes, seriously. Stock is water based, if there’s too much fat, it floats to the top and has to be skimmed off anyway.

            And amounts are important too. I fully believe that an abrupt change in the balance of macronutrients can cause short term digestive issues. I don’t believe a small amount of meat stock in one meal is a significant enough to cause trouble for most people.

          • justifiable

            “Seriously?” refers to your comparing apples and oranges in terms of meat fats in stock versus fats in french fries fried in vegetable oil, and not whether stock is water based and just how soluble fat is in it – which you damn well know. Congrats – all of your arguments have been consistently and awesomely half-assed, but this one doesn’t even possess a quarter of a buttcheek.

            You can “fully believe” what you want when it’s your gut on the line – but to make decisions for others based what you think constitutes a “significant” amount of meat because it’s “ridiculous” that they’d have any issues is really arrogant. Your attitude toward someone who made a choice to be a vegetarian is also incredibly dismissive – she’s only five, what does she know, she can’t possibly appreciate being a purist so she should just be fed a “decent meal” whether she wants to eat meat or not, if dad thought it was so important he’d be a vegetarian, too (wut?). By all means, keep on digging.

            Five year olds aren’t their parents, nor are they morons – and parents who dismiss or ignore their kids, or refuse to accept that they are capable of reasoned choice, at a young age, to not eat anything that has a face are liable to wonder why, in their declining years, their adult children will have nothing to do with them.

          • justifiable

            “Seriously?” refers to your comparing apples and oranges in terms of meat fats in stock versus fats in french fries fried in vegetable oil, and not whether stock is water based and just how soluble fat is in it – which you damn well know. All of your arguments have been consistently half-assed, but this one doesn’t even possess a quarter of a buttcheek.
            You can fully believe whatever the hell you want when it’s your gut on the line – but to make pronouncements for others about what constitutes a significant amount of meat is really arrogant and disrespectful. Your attitude toward a kid who made a choice to be a vegetarian at an early age is also incredibly dismissive – she’s only five, she can’t have decided to be a vegetarian because she didn’t want to eat animals (she was 10 at the time), she can’t possibly appreciate being a purist (wut?) so she should just be fed a decent meal whether she wants to eat meat or not, if dad thought it was so important he’d be a vegetarian, too (again, wut?). By all means, keep on digging.

            Children aren’t morons. And parents who dismiss them, or refuse to accept that they are not only capable of reasoned choice at a young age, but can maintain a commitment to not eat anything that has a face are liable to wonder why, in their declining years, their adult children will have nothing to do with them.

          • justifiable

            OK, third try for this comment because Disqus thinks it’s spam. It’s not “ridiculous,” nor is stock just “flavored water” – if you think that, you flunked chemistry. Whether “people throughout history have only had access to meat occasionally” isn’t the issue here. Of course humans possess the enzymes that are necessary to digest meat proteins and fats (you know, those oily looking little blobs that are on the top of your bowl of “flavored water”) but if you’ve been a vegan or vegetarian for a long time, their levels drop, which is why you can be in for a nasty ride if meat is abruptly re-introduced into your digestive tract.

            WMMV – it can whip right through, or stick around for more days than it normally would, which is why some people get the shits or some get horribly constipated, depending on how sensitive their system is.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            I did well enough in chemistry to know that “the dose makes the poison.” A whole cup of beef broth (far more than you’d get in a single serving of soup) has only as much protein as 1 oz of hamburger, and much less fat.

            In any case, things don’t always work in the downstairs plumbing, and we fallible humans don’t always attribute it to the right cause, which is where food aversions come from, for example. So, anecdotal stories about tiny amounts of animal protein making people sick are not very compelling to me. YMMV.

          • justifiable

            Then you didn’t learn enough, because you’re misinterpreting an adage that applies to toxicology if you’re focusing only on the quantity of the “dose” – which you seem to have decided all on your own. This is not about “food aversions,” either, but nice misdirection. By refusing to consider that not all soups are made the same, and that not all humans, depending on what they’ve been ingesting over time, will have equally adequate levels of pepsin or trypsin to handle the abrupt reintroduction of meat fats into their gut without getting a stomach ache or the shits, you’re actually arguing against your own adage.

            Also, to state that anecdotal stories aren’t compelling to you when your own defense is highly dependent on evidence from individualized cases [see: anecdote] is incredibly ironic.

          • drashizu

            And there was also the time I got stomach cramps after cheating and eating an egg salad sandwich, and the other time I was mistakenly served chicken curry instead of tofu and decided to just fucking eat it, & the same thing happened… Your gut flora changes depending on what you eat. Same reason people who don’t eat enough veggies get really bad gas when they do, people who rarely eat meat have side effects when they do eat it, whether they weren’t eating it because they only occasionally have access to it or because they choose not to. It’s not bullshit, it’s how your intestines work.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            That’s not about soup stock, it’s about large amounts of solid animal protein as the main ingredient of a dish.

            I do think amounts matter.

        • DJ McCann

          That reminds me of a Ron White act where he’s talking about a friend of his becoming a vegetarian. They were in the car one day when the friend complained about feeling ill, and said that his vegetable soup at lunch must have had beef broth. And he goes, “Your body is kicking back…BROTH?”

      • Swarles Barkley

        Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, there might be people who feel strongly about the matter? There are a lot of us who are vegetarian because we don’t wish to kill an animal to eat it. We’re not vegetarian when it’s convenient to eat that way. We’re vegetarian when we eat, period.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          She’s a five year old kid who wouldn’t have thought of it. If her dad thinks it’s so important, why isn’t he a vegetarian? I took the story to mean that she was the only vegetarian in the family.

          • Swarles Barkley

            Sounds like a dad the respects his daughter’s wishes. Sounds like he’s a pretty good dad to me, looking out for his daughter.

          • Latverian Diplomat

            I’m not saying he’s a terrible dad or anything. I’m just saying I, personally, would prioritize letting her have a decent meal over being absolutely purist in a way she probably wouldn’t appreciate on her own anyway.

        • commatoes

          Uninformed people take “vegetarian” in the sense that it does not contain meat. Similarly Catholics are not supposed to eat meat on Fridays but by some quirk of doctrine, fish is not meat.

          • Swarles Barkley

            I feel like you’re telling me that I should skip Prime Rib Tuesdays?

          • commatoes

            Similarly, any vegetarian that was told that “The Big Texan Steak Ranch” is sure to have something vegetarian on the menu.

  • Pickwicknext

    Breadsitx! And apparently salad with dressing on one side, for the mouth part of your face!!!

    • Onomatopeon

      Instructions unclear. Arms currently replaced with Breadstix and salad has gained sentience.

  • Jay Vaughn

    “BREADSTIX BREADSTIX BREADSTIX” is the correct response to Fazoli’s

    • JustPixelz

      Misspelled food names always whet my appetite … for something else.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I thought “ouke” was the correct response to Fazoli’s.

  • SessileRaptor

    Obviously they need to cook the soup stock more to get the meat out of it.

    • Alimentarius

      That will make it nice and tender, too.

  • Nounverb911

    Do you know who else eats EGGS!

  • JVB

    But WATER ONLY COMES IN ONE SIZE!!! Made my day! LOL!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Aren’t they trained to say that though? So that people will buy soda instead of a ridiculous little cup of water?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Yeah, I kinda feel that that kid was told by management that under no circumstances are customers allowed to have big cups of water. I don’t think the manager quite realized the push back they could get from one insistent customer.

        • Swarles Barkley

          Yes, but that is done so people don’t order a “water cup” for free and fill it with the glorious soda, is it not? In this case, the patron was more than willing to pay the soda price. How is the customer the issue here? They pay for the cup, you fill it with what they wish at the soda fountain.

          • Jamoche

            The customer isn’t the issue, it’s the training that didn’t take into account a customer who would be sensible – granted, they’re damn rare.

          • YoBunnyBunny

            That and now the restaurants are trying to sell pricey bottled water instead of tap nowadays…

            ETA: I say this a hardcore tap water enthusiast who simply hates having to order and pay for water in restaurants… I drink carbonated, so I always have to make a point to ask for it off the tap instead of out of the fancy (European) bottle stuff. The struggle is real.

      • commatoes

        Some places are super anal about the POS system as sales numbers and inventory must match up. However, Paul Lewis said explicitly that he would pay for a drink but would take water. This is opposed to those POS (the other acronym) that take a comp water glass and fill it with iced tea/soda.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Yeah, I wasn’t blaming the customer here. I suspect the server didn’t know what to do, and maybe was stressed out about it to a degree that they fell back on something that had been drilled into them when they were first trained “if someone asked for water, give them this tiny cup, do NOT give them something bigger even if they ask for something bigger.”

      • JVB

        I worked fast food back in the day from 1975 – 1980. I knew the difference.

  • cabecb

    I’m curious what they thought African American people ate. Nearly everyone eats eggs except me and it has nothing to do with me being American Indian.

    • SessileRaptor

      Explorers and missionaries obviously, cooked in a big stew pot like in old comics.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Missionary, the other white meat!

    • Calli Arcale

      I’m picturing them regarding black people as mysterious creatures from another world, where we have no idea what the air is like or what sort of liquid fills the seas, where the skies are orange and the grass is silver, and huge diaphanous creatures glide slowly through the skies, absorbing the light of twin suns, and occasionally the inhabitants travel via thought projection to the planet Earth for their vacations…..

      Maybe it’s from growing up closer to Area 51, so they have blacks confused with Greys?

      • Jonny On Maui

        I think I’d like to visit your homeworld…

      • 50plymouth

        I think it’s more likely they view them as background extras from old Tarzan movies.

    • commatoes

      Hey, I am Korean and I used to get asked routinely what dog meat tasted like.

      Ima gonna get all cultural studies on ya. I think it comes from the reduction of a racial group to “other” and the surprise that they are not so. I have a couple black friends that feel uncomfortable eating fried chicken or watermelon around white people as they think they would be reduced to the stereotype.

      • cabecb

        Like “everyone” assumes I live in a tepee?

        • commatoes

          1990, I was in Korea and ran into some guys from California. I had them convinced that I had a dog sled team and that whale blubber was like chewing gum, only meaty flavoured. It’s a bit different now as it is almost impossible to be insular (e.g. K-Pop, Food Network, etc). And these guys might not have been the brightest, as they treated the NY’ers and Midwesterners as with similar stereotypes.

  • Nounverb911

    “eggs … they eat eggs …”
    Does Mitt Romney know about this?

    • FauxAntocles

      He quarantines his wife as necessary.

    • Philmosk

      HEY! She took my eggs!

  • OddMan

    I’ve read about some terrible things on this site, politicians that are the devil’s spawn, truly horrific things that people do to each other in the name of God, but. . .

    A bartender that does not know how to make a damn martini?

    My will to live has been diminished. I need a drink.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I always love “Employee fuckup” week. You have to really, really fuckup for Pinkham to *say* you fucked up, so the stories are always spectacular.

  • Matthew Hawkins

    If you want stories about delivering pizza I have them all except for the playboy bunny inviting me in for sex. Probably should have worked longer.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Dear penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me…..
      and I was right about that.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    In some parts of the world, a martini is a glass of vermouth on the rocks with a twist of lemon. HOWEVER, if you are a bartender in the US, come on, any rookie knows what a US martini is. And as for the salt, ewwwwww! Vermouth on the rocks does not need that kind of seasoning.

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pinkham’s Law, come at me brah!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Why would I do that? We’re all friends here, aren’t we?

    • Juan de Fuca

    • Berkeleybear94

      Some hints as to where? Because I don’t think I want to go there – at least without a lot of preparation.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        The French frequently have a martini (the glass of semi-dry vermouth) as a before dinner drink, and I’ve seen the same in Spain. I think I’ve read somewhere that it’s the custom in some Latin American countries, but I can’t confirm that, never having visited.

        • MrCraster

          They’d never call it a martini though. It’s a vermouth.

          • AntiDerpomeme

            I live in France, and they do call it a martini. It confuses the heck out of American tourists.

        • commatoes

          Ice is a North American and Japanese bar cocktail thing as are cocktails in general IIRC. An experienced bartender would most likely clue into “a” martini vs martini on the rocks. As far as evidence of inexperience goes – salt rim!!!

    • My Name Is Mok

      I don’t think that particularly counts as Pinkham’s Law.

      That being said, if there are any sorts of shenanigans with my Martini, I will cut a bitch.

      (Which, of course, is why I always specify “gin, straight-up, very dry, with an olive.” I’m not a savage, you know.)

      • Skadi

        This is why I just skip the fancy and drink my liquor straight!

        (Besides, I can rarely find someone who knows how to make a turbo diesel anyway.)

        • AntiDerpomeme

          I actually got a bartender’s license an age ago, but never ended up using it. But I think the job would be very difficult, having to know and remember 15 gazillion combos of odd drink recipes. Although I guess in this day-and-age, it would be easy enough to take a stealthy peak on your smartphone to find just about anything and pull it off as professionalism. Knowing me, I’d still manage to mess it up.

          • commatoes

            I remember one drink in the bartender’s guide named “The Corpse Reanimator”. I think bar orders follow the 90/10 rule that 90% of orders will be for only a small number of drinks.

        • DemmeFatale

          When he was young, naive, (and a little obnoxious), a friend always ordered a totally made up, (by him), drink called a “Rum Skull Crusher.”

    • commatoes

      They have never seen a James Bond movie, an episode of Sex and the City, Mad Men etc. The pop culture references to the martini are almost unavoidable.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    And the poor kid looks at me in horror and asks, “Is it on the wrong side?”

    I said, “It’ s not a big deal, I’ll just turn it around”

    • Juan de Fuca

      “Yes. I wanted it on the side of the spaghetti…”

      • Berkeleybear94

        You say that, but in the Midwest putting ranch on spaghetti is not unheard of. I was half expecting it to turn out to be that they put iceberg lettuce over pasta, topped the whole thing with Ragu, ranch and cheez whiz and called it their take on a 5 way (which is a disgusting dish in its own way, just not as gross as my imagination).

        • Juan de Fuca

          Now that you mention it, Italian dressing on pasta doesn’t sound too bad either…

          • MsAnthropesMr

            It’s usually served cold, and called “Pasta Salad”

          • Juan de Fuca

            ♪Ba Dum Tsh♪

          • Jonny On Maui

            Throw in some sauted veggies and some cubed meat (if you go that way) and viola, dinner…

          • Juan de Fuca

            We usually have a dish once a week. Red and yellow peppers, purple onion and a mix of sweet & hot Italian sausage. If we’re serving it cold, we leave out the sausage and throw in some kalamata olives.

            I could live for weeks on kalamata olives and parm cheese alone. Salami also, too of course.

          • 50plymouth

            Viola said she’s not hungry, so I’ll have her portion.

          • Abyss

            Isn’t.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          The real world is always way grosser than anything you can imagine.

        • Calli Arcale

          In the Midwest, putting ranch on *anything* is not unheard of.

          • OddMan

            I grew up in the Southwest. And I learned this one terrible habit, I put Ranch ™ on a . . . a hot dog. I like them that way with just a roasted wiener, toasted bun, and Ranch ™ dressing.
            I told you I was Odd.
            But I don’t care which side of the hot dog you put the dressing on so there is that.

          • malsperanza

            Upvote for that last line. As for putting bottled salad dressing on hot dogs … well, I try to be broadminded.

          • commatoes

            I think one of the signs of the apocalypse is Baskin Robbins stocking ranch dressing.

          • Abyss

            Hey, the Brownie Ranchquake Sundae is a culinary masterpiece!

          • commatoes

            I threw up a bit into my mouth just now at the very idea.

          • Abyss

            You’re welcome.

        • Lindsey

          Holy crap, where in the Midwest is that?

          I’ve lived in Minnesota my whole life, visited WI at least monthly for that and visited Iowa, North and South Dakota pretty regularly and I’ve never met anyone who puts Ranch on their spaghetti.

          • Berkeleybear94

            Indiana and downstate Illinois to name 2. And it isn’t like people in MN or WI are better – they just have different fetishes (I grew up with a mom from WI who imported the joy of using cream of mushroom soup as a culinary multi-tool from hell to southern California. Because what you really need when the year round temperature is rarely below 70 is to have your dinner covered in hot spackle).

          • commatoes

            Campbell’s soup… the Swiss Army knife of the mid-century kitchen panty. I make Cream of Mushroom soup routinely during the winter and Campbell’s has become known as that “really f’ing salty crap that is somewhat reminiscent of mushroom soup”.

          • malsperanza

            Cream of mushroom soup: the glue that holds society together.
            ~Garrison Keillor’s one and only funny line.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I honestly thought that is where that story was going.

  • TF04

    “eggs … they eat eggs …”

    The best argument for elective euthanasia I’ve ever heard. The election should be made by the nearest non-idiot and the procedure to be performed on the spot by the nearest firing squad. Because evolution.

  • As god is my witness, I thought Tim Horton’s was just a donut place. You learn something every day.

    • Pickwicknext

      Barely that anymore. I miss when they made things in site though.

      • Vienna Woods

        Yes, the food totally sucks. And the coffee is disgusting. If I have any other choice, I go elsewhere.

        • Erik Lonnrot

          Me too, but I live in Canada so…. you know.
          The “bagel’s” are usually a safe bet (as long as you don’t expect them to be actual bagels), and the sour cream doughnut is almost passable for the price.

          • Vienna Woods

            Erm, so do I. And I do not consider patronizing Timmie’s as a part of my patriotic duty.

          • Blank Ron

            At least you HAVE a choice. When Timmie’s moved into my little town the locally-poowned-and-operated donut place closed about a month later. Only place within an hour’s drive where you could get a decent lemon-filled donut.

          • Erik Lonnrot

            Me neither, sometimes I end up with a bunch of people who are going there in some small town though. Pretty good hockey player though.

          • commatoes

            Tim’s bagels are toroid shaped bread. It is one very small step above the bagged supermarket variety.

          • Erik Lonnrot

            I would never say that they’re good, just that if you have no choice but to eat something at a Tim Horton’s, a toroid piece of bread toasted with creme cheese on it, while not a good example of the species, is probably your least disgusting option.

          • commatoes

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f3d6de24e111e76006c16413ed3ca3709ea8ce8b0920158fea8ebc831d98b591.jpg When you brought up least disgusting option w.r.t. donuts/bagels. I had a flashback.

            I will now present this monstrosity, from that bastion of racial sensitivity, Paula Deen (I know that she’s not running around in a white hood), Lady’s Brunch. Yes, that is a hamburger with fried egg and bacon, and served on a glazed donut.

          • Erik Lonnrot

            I think that constitutes a hate crime in and of itself. Worth at least half a cross burning.

    • commatoes

      Tim’s has tried to adapt with changing buying patterns and palettes. There are a number of different levels and those locations have an abbreviated menu. Much the same with McD’s trying upscale with “McCafe”.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    So, I was in a bar, and I ordered a glass of Bourbon. The waitress was a recent immigrant from an Eastern European country, and she asked, “Would you like it on the rocks?” For the life of me, I can’t figure out why, I could not make the connection in my mind what rocks were in this situation. I said, “I’m sorry? What do you mean?” She said, “On the rocks?” I was just not getting it. Finally, she said, “You know, ice?” Oh yes. Ice. Rocks. Perhaps something about an idiom being used by a person with an accent that made it difficult for me to parse. Or maybe I’m an idiot.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Not being a regular bar drinker, I kinda wish folks would just drop the damn jargon. Yeah, it’s cute to say, but not if you get a “WTF?” stare in response.

      • vixenmonkey

        I say Woodford rocks, please and never had an issue.

    • Onomatopeon

      This is made more difficult now that whiskey stones are becoming fashionable again.

    • Swarles Barkley

      I’m not sure how her being from an Eastern European country muddies these waters? I don’t drink at all. Zero alcohol consumption, but I, as an English speaker, understand that “on the rocks” means “with ice.”

      “On the rocks” isn’t a regionalism of any kind, is it?

      • MsAnthropesMr

        It doesn’t. I am the idiot in the story.

      • commatoes

        Language and context. The assumption is that a non-native speaker will be literal and avoid idiom. That said, with the ubiquity of American television, idioms are sometimes the first phrases learned.

        • Maggie Cooper

          That is very true. Some years ago I took an order for a book on the phone. The customer was British, calling from there, and I am living in Louisiana. Address? Numbers are just fine. Then we get to the last letter of the alphabet which is a part of his mailing address. Me: cee? dee? tee? He is by now frustrated and yells ‘zed’ I replied that cleared it up. He said that when he spoke to Americans he used our way of saying the letter. All I could to tell him was that I expected him to use his version.

  • TF04

    “Water only comes in one size!’

    This needs to become a thing here. Like saving the bread.

    • Skadi

      Water only comes with those cakes we like.

    • Berkeleybear94

      And that size is – whatever your Monogrammed Thermos holds.

    • proudgrampa

      Like “no comments allowed?”

      • TF04

        Sure?

  • Onomatopeon

    My dad spent almost his entire life in a small PA town that had zero black residents. His high school had one black student during his four years there (apparently my mom dated him). Whenever he would come visit me and my sister in the South, it was clear he was uncomfortable around anyone with a different skin shading. Plus he came from a seriously conservative family with, shall we say, problematic views on non-white folk.

    Recently, he moved to an affluent, predominantly black neighborhood in Durham, NC. It’s been heartwarming seeing them adopt him as their token white friend for golfing, karaoke, and trips to sporting events. They even convinced him that Trump would be a bad pick for president.

    They grow up so fast. *single tear*

    • TF04

      Let the guessing begin! Windber? Indiana? New Bethlehem?

      • Onomatopeon

        A couple hints: the town is on very few maps, but has been featured on Food Network a few times.

        • TF04

          Hm, nope, doesn’t ring a bell.

          • Onomatopeon

            Then I guess I’ll keep this “naming obscure PA towns” trophy all to myself.

      • richardgrabman

        Zelianople?

    • Tobias B. Santa

      My uncle in rural Pa still dislikes most people with melanin but after working with a Mexican housekeeper, his stance on Mexicans has improved. He even invited her to a picnic!

      But anyone darker then that is still right out. Still, baby steps.

      • Onomatopeon

        Learning not to be racist is kind of like learning a language: you can do it slowly and methodically, or you can go full on immersion. The latter seems to be working very quickly. I anticipate him voting for a democrat within three years.

        • commatoes

          Three years? I know… baby steps.

          • Onomatopeon

            With 40 years of inertia in the opposite direction, three years is pretty damn fast.

        • Stacey Smith

          “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cs435ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cs435n:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsSurfGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!cs435n….,

    • Maggie Cooper

      Honestly, that’s almost sweet. I mean, his neighbors don’t hold it against him. Opened minded people.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I call bullshit on the first story. I grew up in an area that was damn near that homogenous. Not a single blah family in the school district. Even there, nobody would have been shocked by the idea that blahs eat eggs.

    Those are, however, some of the tastiest looking eggs I have ever seen in that picture right there. *drool*

    • Berkeleybear94

      Don’t care if the story is true or apocryphal, it was a great excuse for those eggs – Fluffy!

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I concur!

    • Brendan_M

      If Harvard graduate and millionaire Bill O’Reilly can be shocked that the Blacks with their forehead tattoos and Walkmans full of raps use silverware and don’t scream their orders for “motherfucking ice tea” like real people, these yokels could be surprised by eggs.

    • Werebeagle

      To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never met a blah. What does one look like?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Canadians.

  • DJ McCann

    Mother likes her water in one size of monogrammed thermos.

  • dslindc

    Do they also eat canned clams?

  • Tobias B. Santa

    the first time anyone took me out to a sit down restaurant, I was a child and I had just learned about putting cheese on potatoes. I thought it was amazing. So I get a chicken dinner with potatoes and corn and ask for cheese on the potato.

    they put the cheese on the corn. I was so, so sad.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Wow. You must be scarred.

      • Tobias B. Santa

        Horribly so. Never asked for cheese on anything again (that doesn’t come with cheese).

    • cynmac

      I was 10 before I had ever had a cheeseburger. My dad was a med student when I was born and my parents had my 3 brothers by the time I was 7. Then my dad was drafted for Viet Nam and the whole family moved to Japan. We ate at home for most meals. We did go to the Officer’s Club for dinners, but I had never encountered a cheeseburger until a trip to Hawaii for R&R when we ate at McDonald’s.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Also too be sure to drink your martini from the right side of the glass.
    If you drink from the wrong side, you’ll get a lap full of vermouth.

    • Sardonicuss

      Back when I regularly drank Martini’s, on the rare occasions when bartenders would ask me how I liked mine prepared, I had a recipe:
      “Open the bottle of vermouth, take a whiff, now put it down, fill a frozen glass with Vodka, plop in two large olives. Done.”

      • SDGeoff

        Vodka in a martini? No such thing. Eeeek!

        • Sardonicuss

          Yep. Gin is for Gin and Tonic. It’s right in the name!

          • SDGeoff

            Great one!

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          I prefer Orange Vodka Martinis — just orange juice and vodka, though, no vermouth.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Isn’t that a screwdriver?
            If not, I lived quite the posh life, back in collage.

          • UncleTravelingMatt

            Nope. Fuck it; everything’s a Martini. Bloody Mary? Tomato Martini. Beer? Barley Martini.

      • RoyalUglyDude

        One olive is enough. You get twice as much vodka displacement with two.

        • Sardonicuss

          Actually, one small pickled asparagus works too..stir and eat.

      • Blank Ron

        In my younger days our recipe was: fill a glass with gin. Walk into a closet in the next room and whisper ‘vermouth.’ Drink until horizontal.

        • Sardonicuss

          At last! Some one who understands a real martini! Vermouth is not an ingredient so much as an afterthought.

  • My Name Is Mok

    Sounds like Andrew Williams’ sister needs a trip to Bovine University.

    • Brendan_M

      When I grow up, I’m going to Bovine University!

    • 50plymouth

      Or out west, UC Bovine?

  • Onomatopeon

    Mary should be glad she didn’t order a loaded baked potato instead of that “side” salad. It probably would have been stuffed with bullets.

    • PsycWench

      Or drunk.

      • Onomatopeon

        Now I desire a potato soaked in vodka. For science.

        • Lark_in_the_AM

          Isn’t is an abomination to cook the parent in the liquor of the child, or something?

          • Skadi

            Only if doing so was a religious sacrament among your neighbors. I think potatoes are exempt.

          • Onomatopeon

            More like The bomb-ination, amirite?!?!

        • r m reddicks

          Rum up some corn on the grill. Keep the husk on and poor some rum down inside. Keep pouring as needed. Preferably directly into the gullet.

  • Tigrisan

    How could you not know after the first bite, that you were eating salsa instead of fresh seafood?

    • SDGeoff

      Or from looking at it?

      • Tigrisan

        True, but in all fairness, they did say they thought it might be some funky kind of dish and it was in LA…Still, I would think salsa sort of looks like salsa, wouldn’t you?

        • SDGeoff

          In my experience, yes. And I’m less than a twelve minute drive from Tijuana, so I know from good Mexican food!!

          • Tigrisan

            Yes. Mexican food? Authentic. LA food? … Trendy? Weird? Icky? Not food? TOFU!

          • SDGeoff

            It does get a bit much. We are also having Trendy Food Circus Times in San Diego, but it appears to be kept under control by all the craft beer establishments all over the county.

          • Tigrisan

            Oh, good lord! Craft beers…one restaurant here boasts 250 different kinds. They can’t possibly sell them fast enough to not have them turn skunky after awhile. Next best thing, you know? What’s wrong with a real burger with normal toppings?

          • SDGeoff

            I hate craft beer. While most of it has enought fortification to give a nice buzz after a pint, it takes half a night to get the damn hops off my taste buds. And don’t get me started on the burger I had last week with chocolate “nibs” sprinkled over it.

          • Tigrisan

            NO! Nibs?? On a burger?? Ewwww! Really, just…EWWW!

            I don’t drink the craft beers either. I’ll stick to Guinness thank you very much. I can’t drink beer often anymore anyway. Reflux doesn’t like it anymore and I sit up all night with heartburn. I miss beer…

          • SDGeoff

            Same reason I dropped wine. Plus it really really messes me up the next day.

          • Tigrisan

            Wine, I’m still okay with though I can’t do much. Margaritas are a wonderful thing however…but yeah. I know the feeling.

          • SDGeoff

            We love margaritas. The touristy places serve enormous bird bath glasses full of crushed ice and crappy tequila drowning in citrusy syrup. Put mine in a bucket glass over ice, throw the salt on top of the ice (my little perk) and heaven, here I come!

          • Tigrisan

            My idea of the perfect Margarita!

          • PhilR

            Best margarita I have ever had, and I have had plenty of them, was at a restaurant called The Shed in Santa Fe, NM. It was so good, I had two of them.

          • SDGeoff

            Lots of great food and adult flavored beverages in Santa Fe. Always a wonderful time.

  • Me not sure

    The whole egg? Not just the whites?

  • Steven M. Harries

    So Edith Massey was a secret Blah? And the White Album was really the Black Album?

    Damn!

  • Tobias B. Santa

    The dressing on the side thing kills me. Didn’t the kid ever hear of that before? Or wonder why maybe they had the little cups near where you made the salad?

    • RedHelveticaCake

      What’s really astonishing is unless the server also makes up the salads, that means THERE IS A SECOND PERSON who is in the kitchen who ALSO didn’t understand the concept of “dressing on the side”.

  • Peer Gynt

    This is the last tI me I’ll read this. Pinkham’s phoned it in

    • Pinkham’s Law

      We shall miss your witty contributions in the not allowed comments.

    • Calli Arcale

      OK. Say “hi” to the button molder for us.

    • Jonny On Maui

      You’d prefer semaphore?

      • Peer Gynt

        That’s the thing. I enjoy it, just feel it’s gone bad ever since he came wonkette

        • Jonny On Maui

          So location matters?

          • Peer Gynt

            No. Not sure. Just let down is all.

          • Peer Gynt

            Less content. Less editors notes. Less enjoyable feel

          • Jonny On Maui

            Better luck next week…

          • Peer Gynt

            Yea maybe quitting it isn’t the answer.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            It is if you are a Palin

          • Jonny On Maui

            If you’re a Palin quitting is a requirement.

            Unless you’re a Palin daughter. Then it’s no quitting until the bunny dies…

          • C.A. Pinkham

            The reason there’s less content is because I’m receiving less submissions, so I’ve been posting less stories as a way of keeping from losing my total pageview count. You’re not going to get 10-12 stories per week if my total submissions number is 9. This is one of the reasons the move to Thrillist is happening, actually.

            As far as story QUALITY, nothing has changed. The reason for this is with very, very, very few exceptions, all the stories that have posted on Wonkette OTMs have been submissions I received while it was BCO. The idea that the submissions have gotten “worse” since I came here is objectively false, because they’re exactly the same submissions I got there — this is a psychological trick people are playing on themselves.

            As far as editor’s notes, honestly, I was never super comfortable with more than a few of those, as I felt it was making it about it me. That isn’t likely to change.

          • Peer Gynt

            Thank you for the response. I get what you’re saying.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Aw, you’re moving? Snuffle. But but but…can we get Pinky in the settlement, at least?

          • Jonny On Maui

            Thank you.

          • h4rr4r

            Moving again?
            You’re getting too old for this, it’s time to settle down.

          • Homestar

            I enjoyed you being at Wonkette because it’s my favorite site, and you were the only thing I read at Jezebel, so the two combined worked well for me. I noticed the decrease in amount of stories per post and was worried, but I’m just glad you’re not going away! I’ll still follow you at Thrillist, but I won’t be, uh, as thrilled about it.

          • 50plymouth

            OK C.A. Just really hate having to open a damn Facebook account to comment.

          • eilish99

            I’m really happy to see you moving to Thrillist. It seems to be a better fit for you.Wonkette has been fine, but so many people give me a blank look when I mention the name.

          • Ivegotblistersonmefingers!

            I’d like to think maybe it went down like this:
            eds: So, how are you liking it hear so far? Getting settled into your new office? The flamingos are a little pesky at times, but well worth the price of having a working fountain next to your private bathroom.
            CAP: The flamingos are nice and all, but you told me before that you would let me print poop stories.
            eds: I’m terribly sorry of we misled you in the interview. Our legal and marketing departments had a retreat in Denver after your hiring had been finalized, and came to the position, over an afternoon snack of brownies, that the Wonkette demographic may be unduly offended..
            CAP: But my readers followed me over on the promise of poop stories! They are all expecting poop stories! They…
            eds: Your followers are certainly, how do you say, a little salty, but…Please calm down Mr. Pinkham! You are frightening the flamingos!
            CAP: **running down hall wearing nothing but tight-whities** POOP! POOOOP! POOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

          • Quincy Dukes

            Is it your belief that moving to Thrillist will bring you more submissions? Do they have more readers than Wonkette, and of the type that’ll contribute stories?

            I ask because I don’t think I’ve ever visited Thrillist except after reading your comment.

            Now that I have, and see that they use Facebook for comments, I realize I won’t be able to join you in your move.

            Good luck. I enjoyed both BCO and OTM and I’m sorry to see you leave.

        • Happy Hopie

          I have to agree with you on this. I used to laugh so hard when this column was on the old site. Maybe Wonkette censors him too much? Crossing my fingers for the next version.

          • Maggie Cooper

            I do too. Pinkham for the win. Jezebel had so many fun contributed comments and that hasn’t happened here. The new site looks possible. I will follow if I can.

    • adultosaur.

      colin aint that old, he defs texted it in.

    • vixenmonkey

      Just leave. No need to announce it. I miss the Regretsy Flounce Album.

      • Peer Gynt

        I guess I was hoping to give feedback in a not completely a-holish manner. And that it might be the change I wish to see in the site.

      • Peer Gynt

        Swish

      • Peer Gynt

        Well? Nothing but net. So? Sincerely, The Sour Quince Log

  • Steven M. Harries

    Did the car that did the final poke check on Tim Horton ever go to the penalty garage?

  • SnarkOff

    If only you could have the dumb employees from this column serve the dumb customers from other columns, it would be the Perfect Storm of Dumb.

    • My Name Is Mok

      I’d be worried about it creating a Singularity of Stupid.

      • Pickwicknext

        See also, Cleveland this July. It’s nice when the end of civilzation is scheduled

        • Webermore

          I’m not leaving my HOUSE while the convention is in town. I am so scared for my city… it’s going to be a total shit show.

          • Pickwicknext

            Canada has a robust refugee program and is just across the lake

          • Webermore

            Totally considered it… you guys have internet, right?

          • Kristoff

            I hear they eat eggs, too.

          • Blank Ron

            Yes, but you’ll need to brush up on your Morse code to use it.

          • Jennifer

            Are you a reddit reader? Just make sure you don’t use the services provided by this guy’s employer. Which might be hard, from what he says.

            https://www.reddit.com/user/bytewave/submitted/

          • Jeff Morris

            And Tim Hortons!

          • justifiable

            Can’t someone just drop a match into the Cuyahoga again?

          • commatoes

            I wonder if the “Open Carry” folks will make an appearance.

          • Webermore

            Reason #90857401 I’m going to be one of the “Hide at Home” folks. We don’t have the cash to fill in more bullet holes!

          • Jennifer

            We’ve got an oil refinery in the area, and sometimes those neighborhoods get warnings to “shelter in place”. Which means “don’t go outside and if you must, for gawd’s sake don’t breathe”.

            I think you could legitimately re-purpose that phrase for your needs. With my compliments.

        • Calli Arcale

          My brother just moved back to Minnesota from Cleveland. He is soooooooo glad.

          • Blank Ron

            That might be the very first time that combination of words has been used in a sentence.

  • PsycWench

    Wow.
    Years ago, I ordered a margarita at a now-defunct Mexican restaurant, which the waitress promptly knocked over onto my lap. I shrieked (it was cold!), my husband asked “Are you OK?” and the waitress replied “yes, I’m fine”.
    It was the beginning of a truly memorably bad dining experience, which culminated in the waitress basically telling us that she had to go to her other job so we should just get up and leave when we were ready.

  • Diane T.

    Oh! I have one of these.

    I was at a bar with some friends, one of whom I’d met for the first time that very evening. This bar also had some pretty good appetizers, so I ordered a tuna tartare sort of dish and the first-time friend ordered some sort of chips and salsa.

    A while later, a server drops two plates. One has a pile of what looks like salsa on the plate and the other had some sort of chips. He did not say a word, did not say which dish was which; he just placed these two plates in the middle of the table between us. So, while I’m patiently waiting for my tuna to come out, my friend digs in and chows through both plates in about ten minutes. On her last bite, she exclaimed, “OMG! I think I ate your tuna!” Hilarity ensued as multiple tuna-eating jokes just told themselves.

    She rushes up to the bar and orders another tuna for me. Meanwhile, the bartender notices the drama and comes over to our table to see what’s up. I pointed out that it’s dark, and the server didn’t say a word to us, so there was no way to know what was on either plate. And my friend, apparently, was so famished, she plowed right through most of the tuna, which was chopped up like a salsa, before actually tasting it. The bartender offered to give me another plate of tuna if I gave him a cigarette, so I bartered and ended up getting two tuna “salsa” plates for $0.

    Who eats a plate of tuna without realizing “this isn’t the salsa I ordered; it has fish in it?”

    We still joke about the night we met when she ate my tuna.

  • DJ McCann

    Another move? Dammit, I just unpacked and sorted all of my books, too.

  • baconzgood

    “Well, I don’t think it has a lot of meat in it?”

    Words you NEVER want to hear making love.

  • Ikimizi

    “an ‘Authentic Mexican Restaurant’ located in downtown LA”

    Any restaurant in Southern California that feels the need to declare itself ‘Authentic Mexican’ is only going to make me suspicious. It’s not like Mexican restaurants are hard to find.

    • baconzgood

      I found the best Mexican restaurant I ever ate at in Erie PA. You believe that. ERIE PA!!!!1!!1!

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I think I know that place ^.^ Although I found a lil hole in the wall in Keokuk, Iowa, where the frijoles negros were to die for and I could swim in the margaritta glass.

        • Jeff Morris

          Of all the things I thought I’d never see, a reference to my birthplace was very high on the list.

      • tacofied

        I’m a Southern Californian unwillingly transplanted to Central PA and am taking a trip to Erie this summer. PLEASE I BEG OF YOU TELL ME WHERE THIS MYTHICAL RESTAURANT IS I DESPERATELY MISS MEXICAN FOOD.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          There is one on Peach that is pretty good, but I really liked one we hit down town, forget the name, but it was near State Street. Think one over.
          It’s been some years for me so I hope Baconz comes back and helps out XD

          Also, if you are doing Erie in the summer, make sure to hit the peninsula for sunset. You won’t be dissapointed.

        • baconzgood

          It’s called Latinos. It’s owner retired. He was from South Mexico (not tex-mex north mexico). Expect the owner to take your order, pour your drinks, cook your food, and sit with bull shitting for 3 hours. Not only is it a authentic home made authentic southern meal. But it’s also a place where you are treated like a member of a family. If you stay there less than 2 hours you had “a quick bite to eat”. I think he took him sick mom to Erie because of the climate. It’s around French? Street?

          • tacofied

            Bless you and Jen_Baker_VA. May your margaritas be strong, your salsa be spicy, and your tacos never be hard shell.

          • Blank Ron

            Parade and 13th. I could walk there from my friend’s house – guess I just found another reason to visit!

      • Blank Ron

        That is amazing. The idea of there being a best ANYTHING in Erie astonishes me.

    • John Doe

      I would have to agree, though I am not from LA. I live in Texas and I judge my Mexican places by a couple of criteria. First and MOST important, are there more white people there than Mexicans? If its more white leave, just leave. Second how clean does the place look? I know sounds crazy but Mexican places that are like overly super clean make me suspicious, they should be kinda dingy and dirty looking, just a bit but not filthy. And I would also prefer to have a little old Mexican lady in the kitchen. There are a couple places in town I will ignore the white people rule, because they have been around FOREVER and we all love them, but the white people rule works wonders when traveling. Any restaurant you want to eat at that serves ANY form of foreign food, be it Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, whatever the case may be if there are more white people there than the race of what ever countries food your eating it is NOT authentic. So the tldr if its all white is ain’t right.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        well, unless you are in the middle of nowheres and the only folk of said ethnicity in the entire town are the people who run the place.
        Which happens in the midwest quite a lot, actually.

        • John Doe

          Well that’s true, but that would fall into my local Mexican place category, where it is majority white eating there but mainly because the place has been around forever. But I mean if you just don’t have options you don’t have options.

        • 50plymouth

          Reminds me of an old friend who told me that his was one of two Chinese families in his hometown in New Jersey – they had the restaurant, and the other owned the laundry.

      • cynmac

        We had a Chinese restaurant in Soutnwest Atlanta (SWATS) where the front were all Asian but the kitchen was all black folks, And they killed it. Lines out the door all the time.

        • John Doe

          I have seen that before, some of the best Cajun food I EVER had was cooked by a bunch of Vietnamese people. I am less concerned about the people in the kitchen, like Anthony Bourdain once said some of the BEST french chef’s he has EVER seen is a bunch of Mexican guys in the kitchen. But on the other hand if I see that little old Mexican grandma in the kitchen you really have no worries about the food %90 of the time.

      • Ikimizi

        Sounds about right. I almost said something about the 50% rule- At least half of the people eating there should be Mexican.

        • John Doe

          Yeah that’s another name but either way there should be more “ethnic” people that white people there. lol Bonus points if the servers don’t speak english or limited english, like the Pho place we went to in San Fransisco, down a side alley across from an “Asian” park in Chinatown

        • commatoes

          That is why I don’t eat at Taco Bell. Unless I got a good drunk on, or when I had the “munchies” in my youth. Taco Bell requires some degree of “chemical” enhancement to be edible.

          • scarbarough

            Taco Bell isn’t mexican food though…it’s just a different kind of cheap fast food

          • commatoes

            That is my point. TB, OG, and every other place that tries to pass off fast food as having a proud culinary heritage makes me laugh. Hence the reference to the “chemically enhanced” dining experience.

      • Karlew

        Is there a booth are two in the back that are used as a homework/video game station for the employee kid(s) that is just about always there?

        • John Doe

          Not at the Mexican place I go, but you DO see young children running around, we assume they are employees kids lol.

      • commatoes

        Similar rules for Chinese places (bringing a pot of tea without asking is a good sign). Korean places have only recently got to the point of having more Caucasian diners.

        • John Doe

          Funny enough that is exactly what they did at the Pho place we ate at in San Fransisco lol

    • richardgrabman

      In Houston, the best Mexican restaurant was the one run by Greeks.

  • Spotts1701

    Water comes in one size? The bottled water industry shall hear of this!

  • proudgrampa

    “WATER ONLY COMES IN ONE SIZE!!11!!”

    Hilarious.

    • My Name Is Mok

      Just like White Castle fries.

    • Jonny On Maui

      That’s gonna be one of my new excuses for everything.

      “Why? Because water only comes in one size.”

      The other? “Cuz it’s on the wrong side…”

      • eggsacklywright

        I would like fewer water, please.

  • LolaMar

    I feel kinda bad for the kid who was confused by the water thing though.

  • Lark_in_the_AM

    There are times when I wonder if certain young people will make it to adulthood without earning themselves a Darwin Award. The “water only comes in one size!” and “Did I put it on the right side?” kids have definitely triggered that response.

  • natoslug

    “I’m sorry, but water only comes in one size.”
    And my wife wonders why I get shouty about kids learning critical reasoning as early as possible . . .

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Eggs. Well, I’ll be damned. Did they order any motherfucking ice tea?

    • cynmac

      Motherfucking sweet tea tea. Can’t be brackish, must make your teeth ache.

  • Other Mexican restaurant story:

    A group of us were at a new restaurant and we ordered a pitcher of Margaritas. The server obviously spoke very little English and had us repeat “a pitcher of Margaritas” several times before leaving the stable still looking a bit confused.

    She returned in about five minutes with a pitcher full of beige-colored liquid with what appeared to be bits of flesh floating around in it. Turned out she had misunderstood our order as ‘Peach Margaritas’ and had blended a fresh peach into our drinks. A couple of us gamely sampled it and it was really nasty.

    Laughs we had by all, she took away the pitcher of what appeared to be ground up fetuses, and we got our delicious non-fruit Margaritas and some excellent Mexican food.

  • goonemeritus

    I don’t come to Wonkette to have the wonderful people of Newfoundland belittled. It is wrong to make sport of an entire region by pointing to the inadvertent mistake of some well-meaning Tim Hortons employee. This kind of bigotry is beneath Wonkette’s high journalistic standards and more importantly it takes time away from making fun of Floridians who really do suck.

    • Steven M. Harries

      Y’know, 1,200 years after the bleeding Scandinavians, It’s Oldfoundland to me now.

    • SDGeoff

      My friends and I took a wonderful tour of the beautiful government buildings in Ottawa years ago, and our terrific guide was a Newfie. To this day my imitation of his speech and accent makes them laugh.

    • SomeSpikeOwenWannabe

      The most important lesson I learned in Canada was don’t try to keep up with the Newfies when you’re at the bar.

      Seriously, those guys can drink.

      • goonemeritus

        You need lots of beer to wash down hardtack.

        • SomeSpikeOwenWannabe

          Nice folks, every last one of them. Even the transplants to the Rock. I need to go back and visit.

      • richardgrabman

        Try Newfie Screech sometime. Once is an experience. Twice is a lifetime of 12-step programs.

    • Newfoundland does make those wonderful fluffy giant dogs.

    • commatoes
  • SomeSpikeOwenWannabe

    I could swear that every Failozi’s I have been to serves their dressing into those packets. But I don’t exactly eat there often.

  • HanBarbara

    Not a restaurant story exactly, but 30 years ago when I visited my Dear Old Dad on Long Island, he decided to make me a Margarita in honor of my new California home. It was a mix of tequila and 7Up, served in an Old Fashioned glass, with a table salt garnish around the rim. He was very pleased at his cosmopolitan outlook. Parents being parents, I smiled and kind of choked it down.

    • h4rr4r

      Last night my wife wanted one, I pride myself on making them without mix. We were out of triple sec, the only orange liqueur we had was blue curacao. She said it looked strange but was ok.

      • Tansy Geek

        Blue Whales: blue curaco, vodka and lemonade. Delicious by the glass or the careful cleaned and lined garbage bin in the dorm bathroom.

  • Steven M. Harries

    How nice of all those rinks in Canada having a memorial to Tim Horton on their boards . . . Oh? Well, carry on, then.

    • SomeSpikeOwenWannabe

      Greatest Maple Leaf of all time, hands down.

      • Steven M. Harries

        Incredible long career, yes. A pioneer at his position. He died when I was very young and he was sadly tainted by a Rags jersey.

        LGI!

    • MiaMontreal

      I frankly never eat Tim Bits. He died in a car accident. So you are eating Tim Bits…Bits of TIm… cannibals

  • Rowen

    I feel like I need to visit a Fazolis at some point in my life.

    • Becky

      Really, you don’t.

      • Rowen

        On a scale of Golden Corral to Cafe Express, where does it fall?

        • RockdudeD

          Below Golden Corral.

  • Pickwicknext

    Went out for my brithday with my mom & her boyfriend last night and when I was asking for no onions on my entree & the server checked if it was preference or allergy, I reasonably responded “preference”. My mom told me I should have said allergy and I went off on her.

    • Jonny On Maui

      It was your birthday, you’re allowed.

      I forgot and didn’t get you anything, I’m sorry…

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I got Pickwick a paper, but the dog ate it.

        • r m reddicks

          Only one?

    • dianebk

      Why did she ask “preference” or “allergy”? If you didn’t want onions, you didn’t want onions.

      • The Physical Act Of Love

        An allergy means they would have to take extra precautions with preparation. Whereas a preference means they could use the same prep surface for other veggies as they do for onions but just not include any onions in the dish.

      • Lily412

        Because if it’s a preference, they just won’t put any onions in the dish. If it’s an allergy, they have to use separate cookware, separate prep surfaces and separate everything to make absolutely sure that there’s no allergen contamination. Restaurants are very careful about allergies (usually).

  • Enfant Terrible

    The correct way to make a martini is:

    One olive,
    Gin on the rocks in a martini glass, and
    A few spritzes of vermouth into the air with this thing.

    This isn’t rocket science.

    • thegirlwiththekittentattoo

      Honey, no. You’re so close, but martinis aren’t served on the rocks.

      • Happy Hopie

        I have worked in many fine establishments, a couple with a name that has a four and parts of the calendar in the name. On the rocks is a classic option to up.

        • Shake316

          You can serve a martini on the rocks (that’s how Papa Shake – OG martini drinker – enjoys his gin), but you would then put it in a rocks glass, not a martini glass. That’s a confused ass martini.

          • justifiable

            And then you can go straight to hell, because no.

    • justifiable

      I usually just lean over the glass and whisper “vermouth” because an atomizer is for sissies.

      • tinker12

        You can just bow in the direction of England, also too.

        • Frank Underboob

          Personally, I’d rather skip all this namby-pamby pissing around & just have straight vodka with a fucking olive in it.

          • Blank Ron

            Doesn’t the olive occupy space that could more usefully be filled with more vodka?

          • Frank Underboob

            Yes, but that just gives you an excuse to have another drink.

          • Blank Ron

            Oh, like any of us needs an excuse.

          • commatoes

            My biochemist friend (and a fan of gin) refers to my vodka martini as chilled solvent in a pretty glass.

          • Jennifer

            Sounds like those martinis they drank in “M*A*S*H”. Only maybe they didn’t have olives, can’t remember.

          • Frank Underboob

            It’s been a while, but I think that Hawkeye just had the one olive that he re-used.

          • justifiable

            Olives stuffed with bleu cheese are loved even by the non-namby-pamby.

          • Frank Underboob

            No arguments there; I’m quite fond of blue-cheese-stuffed olives. I’ve never tried one in vodka though.

          • justifiable

            My local martini bar puts them in a frosted glass of Ketel One, or else in what they call a “Hot-n-Dirty” martini – Sobieski vodka, olive juice, and a splash of Tabasco.

          • Frank Underboob

            Hmm. That actually sounds kind of delicious.

          • justifiable

            I prefer Cholula to Tabasco, and I’m not a big fan of brine/olive juice, so I haven’t had one yet. They look a little strange IMO.
            http://destare.com/martinis/martini_web13.jpg

        • justifiable

          Yeah, but I’m enough of a wiseass to point out that while James Bond is British, vermouth is from Italy.

    • tinker12

      I ordered a Tanqueray martini with olives at a bar in a college town. The very young server brought me the drink sans olives. When I said, “Just tell the bartender I want olives for my martini,” she returned with a bowl of black olives.

    • BigBoppa

      I usually just wave the unopened bottle of gin over a photo of the Rossi brothers.

    • Moraliae

      Pour the vermouth into the cap of its bottle, wave it over the cocktail shaker, careful not to spill any. Pour back into the bottle and continue making the martini. It adds a very special frission to the drink that you will definitely miss if you make your martini in any other way.

      • commatoes

        I refer to it as “blessing the glass with vermouth”.

    • Frank Underboob

      You put ice in it? Why?

    • dianebk

      I remember an episode of “M.A.S.H.” where Hawkeye ordered a dry martini and told the bartender that he wanted it so dry that he just needed to show the glass the vermouth bottle.

      I thought that was amazingly clever writing.

  • Fifth-and-a-Half Element

    The margarita and martini stories this week remind me of one of my fave Auntie Mame scenes:

    https://youtu.be/3uTqZTcH3a4

  • chascates

    I confess that ONE time at a German-style restaurant in Fredericksburg, Texas I forced my mother and an aunt to place extra small loaves of dark rye bread in their purses to eat later. It was that good.
    But it’s not as bad as a friend who had his wife line her largest purse with aluminum foil for their trip to a seafood buffet. They had fried shrimp for two days.

    • Captain Kraut

      German bread is pretty awesome, so I guess that’s excusable.

      As for the friend; I do hope she enjoyed her purse smelling of fish and fat.

    • sillybill

      I would really recomend gallon sized ziplock bags. Once upon a time, all my punk friends went to one of those buffet steak restaraunts and invited me. i kept hearing about their great trips (food raids) so I got my laptop bag, filled the pockets with ziplocks and went along.
      We were a fairly weird looking bunch, definately not middle america, so the fool of a manager put us into a party room by ourselves!! Everyone had brought big purses, backpacks, etc. I really don’t understand how we got away with hauling that much food out the door, cause the waitstaff absolutely knew what was up. We left a big tip.

      • theblackdog

        Leaving a big tip helped, plus the waitstaff probably thought their manager was an asshole so they had no reason to care about what y’all were doing.

    • commatoes

      German rye bread I understand but seafood… from a buffet… especially in Texas temperatures… is gastro-intestinal Russian Roulette.

      • Aleria Snow

        Russian Roulette with six bullets no less.

        • commatoes

          Semi-automatic?

          • Aleria Snow

            With a round chambered.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I was at a restaurant in Sedona a few years back and they had croque monsieur on the menu. As this is a particular style and one of my favorites, I ordered it. I was served a cold ham and cheese on what appeared to be sourdough bread. When I asked what it was, they told me that it was what I ordered. When I explained what an actual croque monsieur was (grilled ham and cheese usually on brioche, melted cheese or bechamel sauce on the top) he archly told me “Well, that’s OUR version of a croque monsieur.” I asked him if THEIR version of a Reuben was PB&J on a bagel.

    That restaurant is no longer open.

    • justifiable

      I shudder when I think what they’d have done to Eggs Benedict – an ice cream scoop of mayonnaise springs to mind.

      • Zango LeHoonery

        Are there eggs in this version, or just mayo on an English muffin?

        • Joshua Norton

          English muffin? What are you, some kind of stuck up food snob? You’ll take Wonder Bread and like it!

        • justifiable

          There’s eggs, all right – scrambled. On toast.

      • BigBoppa

        My daughter once ordered Eggs Benedict at a restaurant in a small (really small) town in northern Wisconsin. Instead of Hollandaise it came with sausage gravy ladled on so thick you couldn’t see the egg. She was not amused.

        • I would eat the shit out of that.

        • commatoes

          Biscuits ‘n Gravy with poached eggs and ham.

          I get annoyed when shit like this happens. Like a Caesar salad but with ranch and iceberg lettuce ceases to be Caesar salad.

        • Aleria Snow

          That’s even worse than the worst Eggs Benedict fiasco I was ever served. All the correct ingredients were present; they just overcooked the eggs so badly it was like trying to chew up an eraser.

          I love sausage gravy in that “to hell with being healthy” once or twice a year splurge way, but goddamn not on poached eggs with ham.

      • drashizu

        I ordered blanched asparagus spears with Hollandaise at a Ruth’s Chris once and was served naked, grilled spears. When I asked for the Hollandaise, the server brought me a ramekin of butter and said, “Here you go!” with a big smile. Still don’t know if he was blowing me off or just clueless.

        • justifiable

          Oh, gaaah. Clueless, I think – like the “dressing on the side” server, some people are so afraid to say “I don’t know what you mean/what is that” that they’ll come up with “what else could that thing be?” substitutes in the slim hope that they might get lucky. Maybe they truly think they missed class the day they taught “English language as a substitution code”.

    • DJ McCann

      Actually, I think the Reuben equivalent would be roast beef on Wonderbread with ranch dressing. Which actually sounds good to me, but it, you know, wouldn’t be what I ordered…

    • JenVegas

      I was in a local bar once and ordered a patty melt (because why not) and it came out without any cheese on it! I asked the bartender how it was a patty melt if there’s nothing melted on it and he told me that they had so many people come in and order it WITHOUT cheese that they just decided to default it that way in the kitchen. They’re no longer open either. Some places don’t deserve to be open.

    • theblackdog

      It must have been a pretty bad restaurant if they couldn’t even get enough tourists to go along with their BS and keep them afloat.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        They were off the beaten path (at the Sedona airport) which has a great view but doesn’t get the traffic that downtown gets.

        • theblackdog

          Ahh. Still, WTF on the croque monseiur

    • SessileRaptor

      We once went to a restaurant in Wisconsin, cheese and dairy capital of the cheese and also cheese because cheese, and they managed to fail at making Alfredo sauce, something that is literally “Put three dairy things together and add garlic.” and they didn’t fail by not adding garlic either, the sauce was just cream, butter and garlic, they failed to melt cheese into it producing a watery mess at the bottom of the bowl.

      • Calli Arcale

        How . . . . how . . . how in the heck do you screw up Alfredo? It is literally the easiest sauce to make. And in Wisconsin????

      • Aleria Snow

        Being that it was Wisconsin the restaurant was probably burned to the ground by an angry mob shortly after your experience. Wisconsin doesn’t mess around about three things: brandy, cheese, and brandy. Actually make that four things: brandy, cheese, frozen custard, and brandy.

        • SessileRaptor

          It’s been around since the 60s and is still there. It’s attached to a touristy motel of the same vintage so I think it gets by partly because of travelers and partly because of locals who eat there out of inertia. I learned a long time ago that people will put up with amazingly mediocre food if it’s the same food they ate as a child at the same restaurant.

          • Aleria Snow

            Which restaurant? I am very curious now.

            I am always surprised by the foods people will continue to consume just because they ate them when they were younger. I still love my mother’s dressing (stuffing to Yankees) even though I know it’s overly greasy and somewhat bland because I am used to it at Thanksgiving. The worst part, I actually know how to make the stuff and keep it moist without making it greasy, but I associate her dressing with Thanksgiving.

          • SessileRaptor

            http://www.donqinn.net/dining.asp

            The whole setup is super cheesy, but I remember going there with my parents when I was a little kid nearly 40 years ago. It’s near The House on the Rock. They have a tunnel connecting the restaurant with the hotel, and it’s not a good tunnel either, the place is outside any city limits so no building codes. It’s literally “The tunnel Billy Joe Bob and is brother Frank done built.” Wooden supports, packed dirt walls, a little water pooling here and there on the floor. I and my step-dad went to the House on the Rock when I was a teen and we stayed at that place and took the tunnel, halfway through we were moving very briskly indeed because we were having visions of headlines “Two tourists killed in tragic motel tunnel collapse.”

            Wen I took my wife to the House on the Rock I told her about the tunnel, but we steered well clear.

          • Aleria Snow

            I lived in Wisconsin for 40 years and somehow we never went to The House on the Rock. We went to the Honey Acres Museum in Ashippun on several occasions. It was definitely cheesy but also educational and endearing.

          • SessileRaptor

            If you even have a chance, go. It’s a surreal and fascinating experience, I’ve been three times and found new things every trip.

          • Aleria Snow

            I first heard about The House on the Rock when I read American Gods and still can’t believe we never went in the 6 years I lived there.

          • SessileRaptor

            When I took my wife to The House on the Rock we checked out the audio book of AG from the library and listened to it on the way. Our timing was such that we were pulling into the driveway just as the HotR section of the book started. We parked and listened to the section, then went in. It was great.

          • Aleria Snow

            Oh that’s cool.

        • dianebk

          And bratwurst. And beer. Don’t forget the beer.

          Brandy? Ffftt.

          • Aleria Snow

            I will agree with you about brats, but I really didn’t find beer to be that serious a thing in the 6 years I lived up there. People drank Miller and Miller Lite for the most part, and most of them were truly lightweight drinkers. The serious drinkers were drinking cocktails and doing shots. I don’t remember any of the bars having really serious selections of beer except for a couple of brewpubs, but those were few and far between.

            As for brandy, more brandy is consumed in Wisconsin than any other state in the US. If you want a Manhattan or an Old Fashioned made with whiskey you have to specify that because otherwise they make it with brandy. If you do ask for it made with anything other than brandy expect to get side eyed and to have the bartender ask if you’re sure several times.

            I also forgot fish fries. Damn even the Lutherans were crazy for those things.

        • Newzheimer

          Culver’s FTW

          • Aleria Snow

            Culver’s is good, but we lived near Oconomowoc so the real deal was The Kiltie. Great custard treats and carhop service.

    • 50plymouth

      Did they also pronounce it Crock Mon Sewer?

    • Rowen

      When I moved to NYC, I was shocked to find what people here think a Monte Cristo sandwich is.

      • Abyss

        Did the cigar give it away?

      • malsperanza

        Sort of like trying to order a Reuben anywhere else.

  • NoGoodnik

    I much prefer the images of the innocents and inexperienced that these stories conjure. Funny. People can live very sheltered lives, can’t they?

  • Frank Underboob

    [salted rim]The bartender rolled his eyes and reached under the bar to pull out the bottle of Martini & Rossi Dry Vermouth.

    I don’t even what is this WTFBBQOMFG

  • Frank Underboob

    This is the second-to-last Off The Menu to appear on Wonkette.

    WTF? WTFF? Have we pissed off too many HRC supporters or something? :(

    • SessileRaptor

      Holy carp I missed that completely! I wonder if Pinkham got an offer he couldn’t refuse, money wise.

    • DJ McCann

      Apparently we’re the only ones who noticed that.

      EDIT: Also, didn’t realize he moved it to the top of the page. I noticed when it was buried at the bottom.

    • SessileRaptor

      AHHH, they have facebook comments! I hate facebook commenting more than anything! (except Hitler of course.)

      • theblackdog

        I am saying screw it and signing up via E-mail so I can avoid Facebook comments.

        • SessileRaptor

          I don’t know if you can… :(

          • theblackdog

            Fuck, you’re right.

        • Tigrisan

          Yup, I believe the Facebook platform is the only one you’ll be able to use. Since they just blocked me from my lowly, 4 select friends in five years because I have a stalker ex I’ve now managed to avoid and refuse to put my real info out there not my real name account, I’ve had to sign up under another name that at least looks like a name so I can stay in touch with said friends. So…F*** Facebook

        • cafiene

          I just don’t want randos creeping my account. Facebook and others need to be separate.

          • justifiable

            Set up an accommodation page, as “cafiene” + whatever last name you want (or go for “ca fiene”). I’m pretty sure you don’t have to provide anything else but a fake gender and DOB.

        • cynmac

          I signed up with Google, but the comments are still Facebook.

          • theblackdog

            Yeah, I just discovered that. Looks like I won’t be commenting.

      • Jeff Morris

        Oh, that’s too bad. I don’t have a Facebook account. Guess I’ll have to join “the silent readers”.

      • DJ McCann

        Yeah, but it’s a close race.

      • Frank Underboob

        FUUUUUCK! If there is one thing that will stop me from commenting on a Mommy/food/politics blog, it’s fucking Fæcesbook fucking comments, because I goddamn REFUSE to create a fucking Fæcesbook account.

        • SessileRaptor

          I have a facebook account, but I only use it to keep in touch with friends and I’m not using it to comment on a blog. I never say anything here that I’m ashamed of, I just prefer to keep my comment section activities separate from my real life, ya know?

          • Frank Underboob

            Ditto, but I just get kind of extra pissy about having my butt-info sold to all comers without my consent.

          • Onomatopeon

            Preach it!

          • Frank Underboob

            I had a years-long bad experience with a truly obsessive online stalker some years ago. Ever since, I’ve been careful about keeping my online identities walled off.

        • justifiable

          At least you have a decent last name to satisfy their insistence that you have one – go on, make them start looking for other Underboobs to connect you to. I’m Justi Fiable there because they suck diseased money ass.

        • brittany

          My inlaws finally wore me down into getting one…it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Plus now you don’t even have to use your real name anymore, you could still be Frank Underboob!

          • Frank Underboob

            They’ve stopped enforcing that asshole policy? Hm. If I can figure out how to keep Fuckerberg from tracking me all over the Interbuttz, I might give it a try.

        • cat cafe

          “Faecesbook” is truly genius. Are you British? How do you get the dipthong on your keyboard? I have the FB account, because it is useful to me in bidness and also too far-flung friends and relatives, but using it to comment is INSANELY AWFUL and I have just realized that my glorious comments, with my glorious real name, are tracked everywhere not just by Faecesbook but by fucking google and are there for anyone searching for my name to discover and behold in all their furious glory. Nightmare especially for those who enjoy blathering and arguing with the stupids like myself. I will just have to kick the habit.

          • Frank Underboob

            Australian, so near enough to British in the context of being a Grammar-Nazi. I run Linux (Ubuntu-flavour), so I have my keyboard set to International English*, which makes it pretty painless to type ligatures. Eg: ‘æ’ is only takes one extra keystroke on top of the letters themselves: [WINDOWS-KEY][a][e]
            Windows & Mac OS/X have their own methods, but I’m not familiar with them.

            * Specifically: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/19eb03150aa75ebb74c8372f66a38f9cbc71e4b4b645484d1c81863ed8f5b192.png

      • Frank Underboob

        I’m not actually sure that I hate Hitler more than Failbook comments. Because I hate Hitler, but he’s dead, & Failbook comments are still here., y’know.

    • Calli Arcale

      NOOOOO!!!!! I missed that. :-( I sincerely hope this just means Pinkham is moving again to another blog, because this is the ray of bright shining light that gets me in to work on Mondays.

    • Kim Ferrari

      Now I have to move my bookmarks, again! It’s okay… I’ll just put the old ones over here with my monogrammed thermoses!

      • Frank Underboob

        Be care careful! – Monogrammed thermoses are crunchy as fuck!

        • Kim Ferrari

          Oh, noes! I’m allergic to crunchy!

          • Newzheimer

            And red.

            I’m allergic to red.

      • phoenix00

        beside the saved bread?

        • Kim Ferrari

          I SAVE BREAD!

          • phoenix00

            right behind the steak with the meat cooked out!

    • xy

      what the fuck is a thrillist anyways? sounds like someone is trying too hard to be cool.

      • cat cafe

        It’s a MEN’s site for MEN and their monogrammed thermoses! But we can’t fault Colin for seeking a decent paycheck. We’ll follow him there, but we won’t comment, because it is FB comments, and FB comments are an abomination unto the Lord and also fucking show up in your google search results FUCK!!! Go on, google image search yourselves (if you’ve ever used FB comments) and see what happens. If you have a job with a public web presence FUCK ME!!!! Also too them rubes will follow you back to old FB and like that.

        • dianebk

          This just makes me so sad. Half the fun is reading and making comments…some of the discussions that get started make for some hilarious reading that goes on for days. I love that.

          But the move to Thrillist…I’ll go, and I’ll read, but I probably won’t stay because without the comments – and being unwilling to make comments re: Facebook and Google stalking – a lot of the fun will be gone.

          Kinja sucked, but at least it was all pretty self-contained. Wonkette is annoying and the layout is tacky and badly-designed, but Disqus is pretty laidback. But this move…

          You’re breaking my heart, Pinkham.

  • Joshua Norton

    “Dressing on the side” is a well-known dust covered, kitchen knee-slapper in the restaurant business. If some smart-ass garde-manger didn’t automatically ask “which side, haw, haw haw” whenever the request was made, they probably would have been sent home sick.

    Still a funny story though.

    • SessileRaptor

      So it’s the restaurant version of those library patrons who shout “BEEP BEEP BEEP!” as they walk through the security gates?

      • kaw143

        Or, “IT MUST BE FREE! HAW HAW!” if the register fails to scan an item on the first try.

  • Mike!

    I was driving from just outside of Seattle to Springfield, Illinois a few years ago to visit family and stopped for a bite to eat at a McDonald’s somewhere in the middle of Nebraska. I was sick of being in the car so went inside to eat and the young man working the cash register asked me ‘is this for goes or for stays?’
    I had to get him to repeat himself three times before I could figure out what he was asking me.

  • Oh man these were all great lol

  • Jeff Morris

    We were driving to the mall one morning and decided to stop by McDonalds along the way. To be honest, it was mostly because of me–I do not do well when I have not had food or (more importantly) coffee before lunchtime. So we order three cheeseburgers.

    Apparently I had ordered mine “cheeseburger, hold the burger”. Wife and daughter made me PROVE that there was nothing inside the bun but a lonely slice of cheese. Worse, they’d demanded we get going to the mall, so I didn’t get a chance to eat until we arrived–too late to do anything.

    They still laugh about that one.

  • Karlew

    This isn’t as good as everyone else’s but there was a small local restaurant that a friend and I would eat at just about every Sunday. We did this for a few months and always started with the fried cheese which was made as you ordered it (not frozen). One Sunday our app comes out and we each grab a stick and dunk in the marinara and start to chow down. Only it wasn’t marinara. It was ketchup. Plain old ketchup. We get the server’s attention and say that they accidentally brought us ketchup and could we have the regular sauce. The server says “We are out of marinara. That’s why I gave you ketchup”

    FYI – fried cheese and ketchup is not that good

    • DJ McCann

      They should have at least let you know.

      As an aside, ranch dressing is great with fried cheese, if you can’t get marinara. It’ll blow up your heart, but you’ll die happy.

  • Paul Lewis: I’ll never forget when we were walking around a mall with my grandmother and one of us slipped and banged our knee. Grandma went to some fast-food place in the food court and asked for a “Coke, no Coke,” and insisted on this terminology as she was willing to pay the full price of a soda in order to get some ice to put on my cousin’s knee. Eventually another cousin had to step in and inform the poor employee what my grandmother was on about.

  • Brian, The Life of

    Two things, Tim:

    1) Ceviche isn’t Mexican
    2) LA has shockingly inferior Mexican food

    You were kind of doomed from the start there.

    • Gravitas

      So true, LA’s Mexican food is way overrated. It was way easier to find awesome Mexican (and a variety of it) on the East Coast (large Mexican population where I grew up). I don’t really eat much Mexican now, since most places here are greasy AF.

      • cat cafe

        Er, if you can’t find good Mexican food in L.A., you’re not eating in Mexican restaurants (hint: they’re not on the West Side, by which I mean, anything West of downtown).

  • The jalapeno salsa/ceviche story reminds me of the good old days, when jalapenos were still considered hot.

    /needs to stop eating anything with “ghost pepper” in the name
    //probably won’t stop

    • Blank Ron

      I’m still trying to find a source for The Merciless Pepper of Quetzalacatenango. Been a while since I went on a vision quest and met a coyote who sounds like Johnny Cash.

      • Spotts1701

        I’d help, but my knowledge of Guatemalan insane asylums is shockingly limited.

      • r m reddicks

        D’oh.

    • Douglas E. Berry

      I have to keep eating Ghost Peppers… it’s the only way to make the weekly D&D game with the Aztec gods.

  • Frank Underboob

    Also too, fuck this shit, because decent people have to draw the line SOMEWHERE, and for me, this is way over the fucking line!

    • Juan de Fuca

      That looks like a jar of mayonnaise that’s been left in direct sunlight for three weeks.

      • Frank Underboob

        WITH VOTES!

    • Moonshadow Kati

      What shit?

      • Frank Underboob

        Pinkham moving this column to yet another site. I’ve only just gotten used to it being here with the lovely Wonkettes.

        • Moonshadow Kati

          Oh, yeah. I dunno about that, myself. I hear they have Facebook comments, and that dog won’t hunt.

          • Frank Underboob

            No kidding, because fuck Failbook right in that dipshit’s smarmy facehole.

          • I AM R U

            I’ll probably still read off the menu, but…facebook comments? :(

            Are you still going to be around Wonkette???

          • Frank Underboob

            Now that I know why Pinkham’s leaving, yes, but maybe not as much as usual.

          • I AM R U

            There’s usually only a few articles I read each week, so I don’t think my viewing habits will change, but…I’m not sure if this is the end of my love for Pinkham’s food service stories…

          • C.A. Pinkham

            I promise Thrillist isn’t scary! It’s nice. It’ll be fine. Even if the comments are Facebook comments.

          • I AM R U

            But…most of the joy is in engaging in the comments!!! :(

          • jexx

            I will probably engage in the facebook commenting because IDGAF (and my privacy settings are turned up to eleven), but how am I going to know who anyone is if I have to deal with their *gag* real names? Redonk.
            Doesn’t matter, I’m going over there anyway (I’ve been known to enjoy a Thrillist article, apparently, because when I typed it into the address bar, my previouslies showed up). But, you know, *whine*. ;)

          • Velveetabush

            Frank, I have a crush on you.

          • Frank Underboob

            Aw. Thank you!

        • jmk

          We like you also too, Frank.

          • Frank Underboob

            Aw!
            <3

        • Tansy Geek

          I, for one, will miss you. Come and visit once in a while for Deleted Comments or Snake Oil Bulletins.

          • Frank Underboob

            Aw. <3
            Gotta say that I'm a huge fan of both those columns.

        • malsperanza

          Stick around!

          • Frank Underboob

            With no sarcasm intended whatsoever, it warms the cockles of my icy, freezer-burnt fucking heart that some of you want me to hang around this den of iniquity. :)

        • Lily412

          I came over here from Jezebel because of Pinkham, and I have to say that I love Wonkette. I’m not going anywhere. I will, however, attempt to keep up with OTM on Thrillist.

    • C.A. Pinkham

      Hey, if you want to pay my rent and somehow increase my submissions numbers, I’ll happily stay…

      • Frank Underboob

        Yeah, now that I know why you’re making the move, it makes a lot more sense to me. My apologies for all the fuss.

      • Frank Underboob

        Hey, this might be a really stupid idea that you’ve already tried & discarded, but have you considered syndicating your column, as is/was so common in printed newspapers? – It’d be a great way to improve your submission numbers, & hopefully your income.

        • C.A. Pinkham

          I think a writer has to be a lot bigger than me to be able to successfully swing a syndication deal in the internet age.

          • Frank Underboob

            Again, if you’ve already tried tried this, I’ll STFU, but I betya that the original Dear Abby had a moment like this too..

    • Hijabi Rockstar

      You are a wise man (?) Mr. Underboob.

      Also, bubble tea is like slurping frog eggs in watery chocolate milk.

  • Frank Underboob

    And fuck this kind of shit in particular:

  • I’ll miss Off The Menu, but I don’t have time to add a whole new website to the mix…

    • sw19womble

      I wouldn’t mind getting alerts. But yeah, difficult to add yet another bookmark for a once-a-week thing.

      • Jennifer

        I … can’t tell if this is sarcasm?

        Me, I have a folder on my bookmark bar called “Not Daily Reads”.

      • Douglas E. Berry

        I use a Firefox extension called Morning Coffee that let’s me decide what sites open on what days. Very simple.

    • Fox Doucette

      Happily, Thrillist is already a part of my balanced Web breakfast, so I’ll be glad to remove a site I only came to for one article series (with my adblocker turned up past 11 and to approximately pi to the e power.

  • sw19womble

    Welp, it’s been fun having the Pinkham. Not so fun having angry Shouty Mcshoutfaces complaining shoutily about libruls or obama the mooslin or how dare this site not pay for itself in some clever way, other than ads (or, god forbid, you are ‘forced’ to use an adblocker and make a donation, dimwits).

    So, to the grumpy assholes, let me just say, “Enjoy Facebook, fucktarts!”

    To everyone else who joined, I say “Thanks for stopping by. Please feel free to either stick around or occasionally pop back and snark with like-minded people..”

    Peace out.

    • Laura Ingalls Wildest

      Welp, thanks for reminding me to cancel the monthly donation. :) Pleasure being here for a brief time.

      • sw19womble

        Happy trails! :)

      • kaw143

        And thank you for your contributions, also, too, both snarki-wise and munny-wise.

        I realize Wonkette ain’t fer er’rybody. If it were, Ted Cruz could never have been a thing.

        But donating to the cause because Wonkette provided something you appreciated? That’s class. And it makes this godless librul happy.

      • C.A. Pinkham

        Well, if you like the other stuff I write, it’ll still be here.

        • Laura Ingalls Wildest

          Stop toying with my emotions. :)

          I’ll check back on occasion … just for you.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Ms. Wildest, no snark, I’m going to miss you…

  • jmhm

    I have to admit, I’m kind of charmed by the kid with the salad. At least he was trying.

  • Brewerofbeers

    “so she served us two bowls of jalapeno salsa.”

    So the customer had no idea what the fuck ceviche is either.

    • David James

      Maybe they were fishing around for shrimp? I’ve seen many restaurants serve ceviche as basically salsa with shrimp in it so… wouldn’t be surprised.

    • Douglas E. Berry

      Which was lacking the seafood element that makes it cerviche.

    • The Physical Act Of Love

      Yes. No idea how the customer didn’t realize it wasn’t ceviche.

  • I_Save_Bread

    Omg, the wrong side! Seriously this week has many future classics.

  • ShinyBlueThing

    … How? Does one not understand what a martini is? Did he live in a cave?

    • commatoes

      And never seen a James Bond movie.

    • brittany

      He was yet another victim of a diabolical capitalists’ marketing scheme!

    • Aleria Snow

      Week before last I ordered a vodka martini (I know I know not really a martini but I like them) and was served a dirty martini. I damn near gagged.

      • I AM R U

        Dirty martini is the only way I can drink them :P MOAR OLIVES PLEASE!

        • Aleria Snow

          I love olives in my martini, but I do not want to drink the juice from the jar. That’s just too much salt for chilled gin or vodka.

          • I AM R U

            I hate gin, so really it needs to be flavoured with the olives :P And I like the brine, but only in a martini. Go figure, but the combination just works for me :P

          • Aleria Snow

            I usually order vodka martinis, but I really do like gin too

    • Michael Fusion

      i work a “bartender” that doesn’t know how to make a gimlet. and he’s a manager

  • HiHoSilver

    Water…. Comes in only one size… OMG the poor kid. He must be a few points of IQ short of a full brain.

    • Laura Ingalls Wildest

      Sometimes people learn something and will not alter it for reasonable exceptions, because — I dunno — their brains work a little differently.

      I had a hostess refuse to comp drinks for a table, because the manager wasn’t there to approve it — the manager I hired, and pay, what with being the owner. Finally, she did it, but warned me that she would have to tell the manager about this. :)

      She is a server now, and fine. I actually like her. Although she brought her whole family in to eat yesterday 15 minutes before close.

      • kaw143

        I’ve been guilty of this, from time to time. I can be absurdly literal, so people have had to occasionally use major caution when giving me instructions.

        In the fourth grade, my teacher (Mrs. Grant — the bane of my fourth-grade existence who, after I graduated High School, became a good friend) told us to “Write in the middle of the page!” She was referring to the title ONLY, but failed to mention that. So, she got a ten-page paper with all of the text carefully written in a two-inch wide column in the center of the page. She thought I was being a smart ass. But I was being very sincere.

  • David James

    So I hear Thrillist has Facebook comments????

    That is legitimately sad to hear. Last time I commented on a news site with my Facebook, some raging maniacs spammed my employer’s page, leading me to receive the “Angered the most Racists” award that year. I mean, it was nice getting an award and all, but not worth the butt-clenching night of terror before hearing back from my boss that he wasn’t mad at all.

    Note: I have wisened up about privacy settings since then!

    • brittany

      Your employer gave out that award? That’s actually pretty cool!

      • commatoes

        I wonder, if like Miss America, if he is unable to fulfill the obligations for the year the winner of “Angered the Second Most Racist” will fill in.

      • David James

        Yeah, we get fun awards every year and this one was the best yet!

    • Aleria Snow

      While I am sorry that you spent an evening fearing for your job the award is legitimately awesome. I was once the recipient of the most ban request for a single user at a conservative news site. I only visited the site initially to correct some woefully incorrect information regarding neo Paganism. I stayed because riling up the Christians was just too damn much fun, and I was always careful to keep my riling within their TOS.

      • David James

        Yeah, my company is pretty awesome. Instead of angry, our CEO was pretty happy for me.

      • Renee

        That was always good for an evening of twisted fun when I attended Protestant seminary. Folks would all gather ’round the computer and start trolling the conservative “Christian” message boards (it was a long time ago). Best part was when someone would be all “Have you even READ the Bible?” and one of us would answer “Yes – in the original Koine Greek and ancient Hebrew. And you?” or just mention casually “Well, my hermeneutics professor would disagree with you on that.” Add in that we were women, and people would damn near stroke out.

        Good times, good times. . .

        • Aleria Snow

          One of my best memories was sitting around with some friends when some guy started trying to argue about the Old Testament with the Jewish girl in our group. It was hilarious to watch his jaw drop when he realized that she knew more about the OT than he did.

    • cat cafe

      Yeah, it’s even worse, google search then picks up your FB comments and adds them to your web presence, including your “images” web presence. If you remotely have a public presence, then people searching for you will be treated to images from every single fucking place you’ve ever commented. Not to mention people tracking you back to FB. It’s so awful I’m considering creating a dummy page, but then of course I’ll get “called out” as a spambot with a fake FB page. Disqus is so much better.

      Did you find a way to create a shield around your FB comments on other sites? Because I haven’t.

      • David James

        Nothing more than going through your privacy settings with a fine-tooth comb.

    • I AM R U

      What??? *sad face* I don’t want my facebook in any way involved with my commenting – need to keep those internet realms separate!

    • raincoaster

      Yeah, FB comments are shit. My FB timeline is already polluted enough.

  • commatoes

    The mass egress from Gawker was understandable, but I don’t mind Wonkette and definitely prefer disqus to kinja. That said, and as others have told FB stories of woe, I might wait to post as I consider FB as the place everyone seems to think they are some great thinker or else an outlet for vituperative vitriol.

    Also, I just went to Thrillist to set up an account but nothing seems to work. Anyone else having similar problems?

    • Laura Ingalls Wildest

      Yes, I set up an account through my email, and it refuses to log me in.

      • C.A. Pinkham

        You guys don’t actually need to set up accounts? There’s an X in the top left of that pop up you can click.

  • kaw143

    So, does this mean I will have to wander over to Thrillist (whatever that is) once a week and complain ostentatiously about how much it sucks and the stupid ads and how everything is basically immorality and smut?

    • Tansy Geek

      Since the comment system is through Facebook, you have a legit reason to complain right there. And the name Thrillist doesn’t sound very morally promising.
      edit: Thrillist is a leading men’s digital lifestyle brand, providing all that’s new, unknown or under-appreciated in food, drink, entertainment, nightlife, gadgets, and gear …
      Um, yeah. I don’t think I need a digital lifestyle brand of anything, thank you.
      I didn’t look to see if it has under-appreciated boobies on page 3 or pick-up tips for the non-douche bro.

      • kaw143

        Mreh? I know that is a sort of thing that does exist, but I’m with you. I don’t really need much by way of advice on leading a digital male lifestyle, branded or otherwise. Whatever the hell that means.

        Probably will not be going into regular rotation and, with the Faceplace commetaries, I will definitely not be contributing to the conversation, should I remember to follow Pinkham like a good little puppy.

        • C.A. Pinkham

          You know, it’s funny; if they call themselves that, that’s certainly not where their content is focused. Their content is pretty gender-neutral — and on the rare occasions they deal with it, they tend to say really smart stuff (Dave Infante is particularly good at this).

    • SessileRaptor

      For better or worse they seem to be a rather safe site. No clickbait ads promising “17 spring break boobs that couldn’t be contained” or the like.

      • kaw143

        I keep hearing that is a thing around here, but I never got those, even before I was a paying customer, so to speak. My ads would be for things like “Never pay your mortgage again with this ONE SIMPLE TRICK!” Or, “Does your acne problem make the florist want to hurl?”

        Still not pleasant, but WHY COME FOR I NO GETTA THE BOOBAGE?

        • I AM R U

          I don’t get the boobs either – I get a lot of political advertising and WOMEN STAYS YOUNG WITH ONE TRICK – MAKE UP BRANDS HATE HER! ads. I figure it’s targeted advertising and as gay guy, I ain’t looking up boobies.

      • My Name Is Mok

        You’d think it would at least be an even number of boobs.

        • SessileRaptor

          Turns out one of the girls had one boob that totally could be contained.

    • sw19womble

      Sounds like a plan ;p

    • trackhorse

      adblockplus.org Can’t help with the smut.

      • theblackdog

        Unfortunately my work blocks downloading the pre-loaded block lists. Adding ads manually doesn’t help because they also delete or reset my config file every week.

        • trackhorse

          It blocks ads automatically, and you can “disable” per site or per page.

          • theblackdog

            It only blocks ads automatically if you are subscribed to one of the block lists from ezblocklist or iblocklist. Go check your adblock plus settings. Since my work blocks the download of the lists, I can only add them manually, and my work comp is set not to save that file.

          • trackhorse

            Yes, it looks like you don’t have much recourse if your employer blocks the lists. Sorry.

    • Michael Fusion

      i reaally like thrillist, lots of city specific articles. good reads.

    • raincoaster

      Thrillist is better. It’s a more authentic home for this.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Will they have those cakes we like?

    • Three Phased

      If you don’t allow the Facebook plugin to run, you won’t even be able to do that. (Lots of folks don’t do Facebook commenting, so that seemed worth mentioning.)

  • Tansy Geek

    I’m very sad that Pinkham is leaving Wonkette. He is an excellent writer and we are the better for his contributions. Good luck sir.

    • kaw143

      I, too, will miss this column on Wonkette (but I hope we can continue to enjoy Pinkham’s contributions in other Wonkish areas).

      I won’t, however miss the elitist, “The third story had a superfluous comma in the second sentence. Ruined the whole column. Please fire Wonkette.” comments.

      • C.A. Pinkham

        I’ll still be here doing non-OTM posts. :-)

        • AntiDerpomeme

          Yay!

    • I saw this coming in that the Pinkham columns were regularly the top-ranking. This no doubt put him in a position to say “highest bidder”.

      • kaw143

        Good for him, if true. This is an amazing column, and we commies were fortunate to have it grace our pages for a time.

      • C.A. Pinkham

        It’s partially that (that is definitely true, though) and partially that I wanted to focus on writing, as opposed to Social Media work, because I wasn’t overly thrilled with the quality of a lot of what I was doing lately. It’s going to be a challenge going forward, but I think it’ll be fun.

        • commatoes

          Hey, the writing thing worked for that Anthony Bourdain guy and Frank Bruni started out as the NY Times restaurant critic. As far as being on Wonkette goes, I will not miss the posters that feel that they must spout their political beliefs on a blog about food service workers where it is not relevant. Being right wing is fine, I guess, but there is no need to bring it up constantly. OTM/BCO did seem to be an odd fit here at Wonkette as far as subject matter goes but I think that it fit the overall satirical/comedic/farcical tone of the website.

          Colin, please give us a heads up for whatever you plan to do in the future. That said, signing up to Thrillist seems to be less than seamless at the moment.

          • C.A. Pinkham

            Well, I appreciate it, although I’ll warn you; if you want to follow me, you’ll be jumping to a lot of different websites. At least for starters, Thrillist, Wonkette, Bitter Empire, and Uproxx. And Fusion if I can ever get my lazy brain-ass of my mental couch and think of something else good to pitch them.

          • jexx

            Good for you, man! Get a hustle in your bustle and pitch something to Uproxx. Keep on it!

    • C.A. Pinkham

      I’ll still be here for the non-OTM posts I do. I’ll just be doing OTM at Thrillist.

      • Tansy Geek

        Good! I really enough your take on things and your style of writing.

        • C.A. Pinkham

          Aww, thank you. <3

          • Tansy Geek

            sorry about the lack of verb. It was supposed to read enjoy.

      • Michael Fusion

        is it still going to be mondays? cause that’s my day off and i like to think of OTM as a tiny little vacation

        • C.A. Pinkham

          It will still be on Mondays at 11 AM. I specifically requested that for my regular readers, and Thrillist graciously agreed. :-)

          • Calli Arcale

            YAY!!!! *happydance* Mondays will remain awesome!

          • Velveetabush

            I will follow you until my nonslip shoes die with me, sir.

      • 451 Byrnes

        I am very glad to read this. I came here for the BCO OTM, but I stayed because your actual writing is out-of-the-ballpark good stuff! Plus I really enjoy the Wonkette community. Way less judgey than that other place…

      • cat cafe

        What, what???? Where are you going???? I missed this!!! Okay, heading over to Thrillist now I guess…

      • phoenix00

        GOOD NEWS I’ve seen you up your snark game since you started here. Keep at it!

  • sw19womble

    Andrew Williams reminds me of the time early on when I had given up eating meat (around 18) and I went to a function for the bank I’d just started working at. They brought out some clear brown soup, which I assumed was onion soup, but tasted… funny. I had no idea what a ‘consomme’ was.
    I asked my mother if it had meat in it – she said “No” with one of her trademark scowls, so I finished it.
    Once I got home and found out what (beef) consomme was, I never trusted her about that kind of thing again: so her whole “this is a stupid teenage fad” reaction sort of backfired. In fact it was a pivotal moment in my own “don’t trust authority figures” thing)
    Of course, by that time she’d already refused to cook anything for me, which forced me to start cooking everything for myself, and learning lots of fun kitchen stuff and substituting recipes and so forth, so it wasn’t all bad…

    • Alissa Johnson

      I used to love french onion soup until the day I asked about the broth. It’s actually beef broth.

      • dinah42

        Tip: TraderJoe’s frozen French onion soup (the stuff with cheese on top and bread on the bottom) uses vegetable broth. Or at least it did the last time I checked, and that’s assuming they even still make it. I was absolutely delighted when I discovered that.

        • Lambsendbeds

          I hey still make it, and it still contains vegetables broth. Hope that’s good news !

      • sw19womble

        Well, it’s probably a good thing that my experience put me off French Onion soup too then!
        Mind you, I do check the ingredients pretty fastidiously, so luckily I’ve never ordered the soup at a restaurant since then. Phew!

    • justifiable

      Yeah, I had a similar thing happen. I have a real problem with butter – I’m fine with baked goods that have it as a component, but can’t eat food cooked in it or directly applied to veggies or whatever. It isn’t a problem I had as a kid, but in my twenties I noticed a correlation between eating something like shrimp scampi fiorentino at my favorite restaurant and feeling like my intestines were gonna explode before I made it home. So one night Mom made dinner, and presented me with a plate with peas that looked a little – shiny.
      Me: Is there butter on these? I can’t eat butter like that because I get sick.
      Mom: Oh, you can, too. [That should have been the tip-off.]
      Me: No, I can’t, and I’m not kidding. Is there butter on these?
      Mom: No, there isn’t.
      Me: Ok.
      Within the hour, I’m doubled over, the bathroom is totally polluted and I’m screaming at her “What the FUCK did you do? Why did you lie to me?” Her response was: “I didn’t lie. I didn’t put butter on them – it’s margarine.”
      God. Dammit. Her thinking was that she was going to “teach me a lesson” and “prove” to me that it was all in my head or I was just being dramatic or whatever – which, since I wasn’t a kid any more, was a total bullshit move. While she did apologize for it – the evidence pretty much spoke for itself – I never really trusted her again not to lie or fudge the details when she was convinced she knew best.

      • raincoaster

        Butter isn’t margarine. If your issue is fats, you needed to disclose that.

        • Frank Underboob

          Perhaps it was one of those disgusting margarine + dairy combo spreads?

          • sw19womble

            Agreed. Give me butter, or give me sunflower/hemp/olive oil-based spread. If I want “buttery” I’ll just have butter.

          • justifiable

            It’s Parkay! Yeah, it tastes like parquet flooring, all right.

        • justifiable

          The hell I did. I’m well aware butter and margarine are two different things – and since we didn’t use margarine all that much I didn’t feel that I had to be that specific. We not only referred to anything that was white-to-yellow in color, rectangular, and came wrapped in foil as “butter”, but since no one in our house ever asked, “Do you want margarine on your potatoes?” please don’t try to tell me that I suddenly needed to parse terms here.

          And honestly, if someone told you that they had a problem with butter, and you’d just doused their peas with oleo, wouldn’t you – if you weren’t trying to set them up for a fall, that is – tell them that you’d put something fairly close to butter on their food, and ask if they could still eat it without getting sick?

      • commatoes

        My parents often do the same. They have the attitude of, “We know what’s best for you.” My dad does the same with auto maintenance. I worked on my own cars for the bulk of my 20’s – 30’s, while my dad has not picked up a wrench in my lifetime. But he thinks that I must defer to him because he has “experience”. He seems to be the same with cooking, e.g. “That’s easy and I could do it if I wanted to. My ignorance is no reason for you to ignore me.”

        • justifiable

          It’s like Lady Catherine de Bourgh in Pride & Prejudice speaking about playing the piano – “If I had ever learnt, I should have been a great proficient.” Everything’s dead easy for the person who doesn’t have to actually do it.

          What enraged me was that I could tell she had planned to smirkingly prove how “spleen-y” I was for indulging in this purely imagined dietary foible – she can, and does, eat anything with no repercussions so she has no empathy for anyone who can’t (I swear, the woman was a goat in a previous life). Because, seriously, fucking OLEO?

          I got my revenge, though – I refused to clean the bathroom.

    • Frank Underboob

      My grandmother’s excellent cooking skills somehow skipped my mother, so I basically learnt how to cook in self-defence, as my choices were to either eat terrible food, eat out – which I couldn’t afford, or cook for myself. I’m a lazy cook, but at least I’m a competent one.

    • commatoes

      I went through the same. For Koreans that grew up poor in the post war era, being vegetarian (excluding religious reasons) seemed like insanity. I got a lot of blank looks of disbelief when I informed people that I was a vegetarian (1980’s). I now consider myself a conscientious omnivore.

  • zerosumgame0005

    for the bartender who did not know what a martini is (seriously, WTF?) just buy a bottle of vodka and top it off :P

    • raincoaster

      Outside North America and some of Europe the martini is not widely known. It’s telling that wasn’t geospecific.

      • zerosumgame0005

        oh PUH-lese, the guy never saw a Bond Movie? LOL!

        • raincoaster

          No real drinkers learn about booze from movies. The best line in all of Bondhood was in Casino Royale when he was asked, “Shaken or stirred?” and he replied “Do I look like I give a damn?!”

          Although it should always be stirred.

      • justifiable

        Geospecific my arse. The “bartender” wasn’t European, so this is the most desperate Pinkham’s Law-ing I’ve seen so far to excuse some major ignorance on his part – and I called it about 8 minutes into the thread, too. And I’m willing to bet that where it IS known as a glass of vermouth on the rocks, THE GLASS STILL DOESN’T COME WITH A FUCKING RIM OF SALT AROUND IT.

        • raincoaster

          You’ll note people will order a “whiskey” and not specify either.

          • justifiable

            Nope. First, unlike “whisk(e)y,” “Martini” refers to a specific brand, not just any vermouth, so your analogy makes no sense. You don’t ask for Martini if you really want Lillet or Dubonnet.
            Second, no one who wants bourbon, rye or scotch expects to get it if they just ask for whisk(e)y – they have different names for a reason.
            Third, since Martini Bianco and Martini Fiero are about as similar as chalk and cheese, this is why I already said you can’t just order “Martini” without being asked “rosso o bianco?” at the very least.

            There is no “default” vermouth when you ask for a Martini, just as there is no “default” wine – if you’re ignorant enough to just ask for “wine,” I can assure you the only person stupid enough to pour you a glass without first asking if you want red, white or rose will be Aaron Vironis’ equally clueless “bartender.”

          • justifiable

            Nope. First, unlike “whisk(e)y,” Martini refers to a specific brand, not just any vermouth, so your analogy makes no sense. You don’t ask for Martini if you really want Lillet or Dubonnet.
            Second, no one who wants bourbon, rye or scotch expects to get it if they just ask for whisk(e)y – they have different names for a reason.
            Third, since Martini Bianco and Martini Fiero are about as similar as chalk and cheese, this is why I explained you can’t just order “Martini” without being asked “rosso o bianco?” at the very least.
            There is no default vermouth when you ask for a Martini, just as there is no default vino – if you’re ignorant enough to just ask for wine, I can assure you the only person stupid enough to pour you a glass without first asking if you want red, white or rose will be Aaron Vironis’ equally clueless bartender.

  • trackhorse

    @Tim Osterwick and somebody else. In school, my roommate and I used to frequent the restaurant in a local department store. Decent food and cheap. We would often order a hot fudge sundae with (wait for it) the hot fudge on the side. It came in a little carafe and stayed, you know…hot as we consumed the ice cream (pretty finicky for college students, I know). One night our server was a recent arrival from Germany. We ordered our desserts which came with the hot sauce in its carafe, but with most of the fudge poured out…well, you guessed it.

  • Nafish12

    I’ve been a fan of this column since BCO, but I have to say that I’ve been really disappointed with the quality of the stories since it switched over to Wonkette. It’s just not nearly as funny anymore. I hope it gets good again in its new home.

    • Alissa Johnson

      YES!!!! I think that all the time. I only check back hoping I will be wrong.

      • C.A. Pinkham

        You guys keep saying this; the quality has not changed. It just hasn’t. The quantity has changed, but the story quality isn’t any different. Not one bit.

        • Michael Fusion

          maybe it just seems different here. i know that i’m not feeling as entertained as at gawker.

          • C.A. Pinkham

            That’s probably because of quantity; I run fewer stories now than I used to. Happily, that’s an issue that the move is intended to address; I’m hoping to get more total submissions than I’ve been getting.

          • SessileRaptor

            Makes sad sense given Wonkette’s smaller reader base. I hope the move helps. Also glad you’ll still be writing stuff here. (if nothing else, we’ll hijack the comment sections of your other pieces to talk about the latest OTM…)

          • I AM R U

            We will follow Pinkham wherever he may go…

          • theblackdog

            There’s an idea for Pinkham, there needs to be a little placeholder article that appears each week on Wonkette so that those of us who refuse to use Facebook comments can comment on the latest OTM

          • kaw143

            Well, damn, Pinkham. Had I known that was an issue, I might have been persuaded to share a story or two, myself. I suffer from the notion that my stories aren’t all that bizarre, however, seeing as how I’ve gotten very used to them, and all.

          • malsperanza

            You flirt, you buy us dinner, you get us drunk and have your way with us, and then you leave.

            I feel sullied. I will never trust a foodsnarker again. From now on, I stick with the gay agenders and those nice fellas from FEMA.

          • catch22

            CA – I followed from GM, and had never heard of Wonkette before. I’ll follow you anywhere for BCO/OTM/(TBD) and I’ll stay here for your articles only. I agree that OTM seems less entertaining, but it is probably just a function of length. You post 10 stories a week; the home runs come more often than if you post 5 per week. So I welcome the move to Thrillist to seem more length return and hopefully more submissions.

          • Michael Fusion

            so you’re not allowed to use the submissions that you had from the other networks, interesting. thanks for taking the time to respond.

          • Renee

            Sorry/not sorry – I just can’t help myself:

        • kaw143

          Needs moar canned clams.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            How dare you! Don’t you know canned clams are offensive to my people, The Lazies! How dare you indeed. Harumph!

        • Alissa Johnson

          It’s actually the first time I said this so I guess I’m not alone…. Seriously, there has been not one monogrammed thermos since you’ve been on wonkette. I still read it all every Monday…. but I used to cry from laughing so hard and since you came here I’ve just been like, ok….yeah, I guess. There were a few really good ones but nothing like what you used to have.

          • C.A. Pinkham

            If I were to go look, I am 100% certain I can find at least 10 stories that have posted here that I absolutely feel are on the level of monogrammed thermos. I know Susan’s story from two weeks ago was one of them.

          • Alissa Johnson

            That’s good. I’m glad you are happy with the stories you have posted. ….but enjoyment is a subjective experience, and for me personally, I liked the old ones better. Though I do keep rooting for this column.

          • kareema

            Boo-hoo. Go weep in your crunchy red.

        • I AM R U

          Yeah, I think it’s just that there are a lot fewer stories – it took AGES for stories as amazing as BREADSTICKS (most beautiful story ever written in all the world) or MONOGRAMMED THERMOSES or HE SAVE BREAD. There were a lot of weeks of fairly ok stories in between that people are forgetting in their nostalgia.

          • C.A. Pinkham

            This is EXACTLY it. 100%.

            Fortunately, the move is in part designed to address this. While I don’t know for certain, I expect to get more submissions there. If I do, well, it’ll mean more work for me, but it’ll also mean longer OTMs.

          • Renee

            You know, all these statements remind me of when I was the receptionist at an august non-profit, filled with highly-educated bougie folks who could write a press release or legal brief, but wereNOT capable of pouring water out of a boot, even if the directions were written on the heel.

            Our incompetent fundraiser would spend too much money hiring consultants and what not run by her friends. They were always sending us goodies as a thank you. (Rather than charging less!) All the little snowflakes would gather around the bounty and start asking me (who was in no way responsible for its presence) all sorts of detailed questions about said foodstuffs. Which chocolates have nuts in them? Is this cheese made with cow, goat, or sheep milk? etc. When they were done, I always gave them the same answer:

            “It’s free. That’s what kind of ____ it is. FREE.”

            I also gave them my best “why are you so damn trifling?” stare as I said it. They usually got the message –

            Take the free thing or leave it, and STFU.

          • Diplogeek

            Oh, God. The HE SAVE BREAD story made me cry with laughter.

          • I AM R U

            I definitely laughed out loud at that one, and got glared at (I was in class).

        • Lambsendbeds

          C.A. Pinkham – why are you leaving us? Weren’t we Wonketteers welcoming to you? I’ve loved your stories. I hadn’t come across you in your previous home, so I don’t know the Breadsticks story, or the Monogrammed Thermos story. I don’t understand all the complaints from your old readers. I’ll have to check out your new home, but I intend to pout.

          • C.A. Pinkham

            I’ll still be here for non-OTM posts! I’ll still be around. :-)

          • jexx

            Oh, that’s good news! Sometimes I’ll be reading a Wonkette story randomly, and I’ll think to myself “waaaait a minute” and I check the by-line, and it’s you! That’s always a fun moment for me. Oh, hooray.

        • raincoaster

          Come on I’ve sent you like eight stories better than ones you’ve shared here. Did you read them? I sent you two emails, they each had multiple stories, I worked at Starbucks seven years.

          • C.A. Pinkham

            Yes, I’ve gotten your stories. As I specifically told you in e-mail, I use older stories first, and I have a huge number saved up. No worries if you forgot this, it was a while ago.

            Also? Susan’s story about the guy eating with his hands might be my favorite story ever, and that appeared here. The quantity has decreased, the quality absolutely has not.

          • justifiable

            Colin, that’s the sickest burn I’ve seen in a while. Raincoaster is gonna need a truckload of aloe.

          • raincoaster

            I remember, but that was a year ago.

        • Laura Ingalls Wildest

          I agree with this. There was one week I think fell short, but that’s more the luck of the draw than anything else. People just don’t like change.

          That said, I’m worried about the new site. http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view2/4776757/ava-gardner-embarrassed-o.gif

    • cat cafe

      They’re just as good! It’s just he is getting fewer submissions, and they’re not quite as long. We have to encourage more people to come to the site and to contribute. I’m sure if most of us rack our brains we can come up with something!

    • raincoaster

      YESSSSS

  • brucej

    “The very friendly cashier took about three beats to think before responding, “Well, I don’t think it has a lot of meat in it?”

    ROFL! That same thing happened to my brother in law..we took he and his wife to a well-regarded Szechuan place in town, where he specifically asked if the ‘fried mushroom’ dish they offered was meat free. He was vigorously assured it was. It arrived and had about as much stir-fried pork in it as mushrooms.

    When he pointed this out, he was told ‘Well it’s not too much pork.’

    I think we all fell on the floor laughing simultaneously.

    The staff were quite gracious about it, he got something else at no cost and my wife and I, unencumbered by vegetarian leanings, happily devoured it (it really IS a great Szechuan place!)

    • I AM R U

      I’ve had this happen too many time, as a vegetarian. Most often with things like soups or risotto – PLEASE servers, do NOT lie about whether there is meat in dishes. Sigh.

      • Frank Underboob

        I’m betting that the big issue for risotto is meat-stock, yes? Also, do you have any thoughts/recipes on good veggie stocks, because it’s a topic on which I’m clueless.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Veggie stocks are easy. Coat with olive oil then pan roast peppers, celery, onion, fennel bulb, mix and match, find what works for you.

          Dump in water, bring to boil, reduce heat, simmer an hour or so, skimming as required. Remove from heat, strain course seive, strain cheesecloth, return to heat and reduce to taste. Cool, skim fat (if req’d, probably not). Freeze in muffin tins, bag the blocks for use any time

        • commatoes

          My veggie stock incorporates finely chopped, sautéed, mushrooms, onions, carrots, a little celery (about half the amount used in the the usual mirepoix mixture, I find it overpowers easily). For a really “deeply” flavoured stock, seaweed bumps up the glutamate, especially kombu if you can get it. Lastly, reduce to concentrate flavours.

          I have not made it personally but know people that have, but Chefsteps has good vegan “demi glace”. They add xanthan gum (optional) to give it a meatiness to the mouth feel.

        • I AM R U

          Yep – although I’ve also been served it with pieces of chicken in it, and more often seafood (because…that’s not meat, apparently).

          Usually, I’m a lazy piece of shit and use an instant vegan faux-chicken stock powder, but when I’m being fancy I make a vegetable stock – I prefer more Asian styled ones, generally, but for risotto I use something more boring:
          – mushrooms
          – onion
          – carrot
          – celery
          – leek
          – garlic
          – bay leaves
          – thyme
          – parsley
          – tarragon
          – peppercorns
          – salt

          Big pot, cover with water, and bring to the boil then simmer for 40 minutes to an hour (veggies should be cooked). Remove the veggies, allow it to cool then strain it and store it in the fridge – you can freeze it, too, so it lasts longer.

        • notfromvenus

          If you don’t want to make it yourself, Better Than Bullion has roasted veggie, roasted garlic, and fake chicken flavors which are all pretty decent IMO.

          • sw19womble

            I stick a tub of Marigold Swiss Bouillon in my suitcase regularly. It’s my go-to quick/lazy stock, whether in London or over in Vancouver.
            I checked and you can buy it on US Amazon…. bit expensive to import but definitely worth it (also a reduced salt one for the more health-conscious)
            HTH

          • Yes! And Costco stocks it. It’s up there with ketchup and soy sauce as staples at our house.

      • justifiable

        I wonder if it’s as much deliberate lying as it is not giving a ripe fuck about your personal choice. Which is actually worse, in my book.

        • I AM R U

          Well, both – not giving a fuck and figuring it doesn’t matter if they bullshit. Sigh.

      • StoneMaven

        Friend of mine worked at Sprint. She was a fairly strict vegetarian and had previously complained that the meat eaters were eating all the veggie pizzas before the actual vegetarians could and ignoring their own pepperoni laden pies. At the next company event (a BBQ) her supervisor proudly remarked that they’d gotten LOTS of extra turkey dogs for the vegetarians! (No veggie dogs though…)

        • I AM R U

          Urrrrgh her supervisor is so annoying XD I want to smack them!

    • Calli Arcale

      “Well, it’s not got much rat in it.”

      • tnebert

        ‘ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER’

  • xhris

    One of my favorite bar experiences: I ordered a martini, and they gave me a glass of straight gin, chilled, with an olive in it. It turned out the bar just didn’t stock vermouth.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      They might still have whispered “vermouth” over the glass, though!

  • SuperLemonada

    ROFL! I want to give hugs to those poor kids in the large water and dressing on the side stories. They’re so eager to please that they get stuck and forget to use common sense.

    • JamesRae

      And/or their management clearly failed in training… although I think “on the side” would have failed anyway.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    That poor kid was most likely doing what he had been trained…water goes in this cup only.

  • KillerPotato_BMW

    Joke’s on you, lady. Salad Dressing only comes in one size.

  • sacredblasphemies

    Oh, thank the sweet Gods you’re moving to Thrillist! Can’t wait to never have to come back to Wonkette.

    • jwtukker

      Did someone leave the manhole cover off the sewer again?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Check the roster, i was last week…

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        My bad. Sorry, I was dumping some failed experiments.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Sheesh! That’s the second time this week and it’s only Monday…

        • Bear OmNomNom

          Awww… Pigley III…

        • Frank Underboob

          In future, could you at least tape up their mouths first?

    • kareema

      Who held a gun to your head and made you come here in the first place?

      Such a *special* little snowflake are you.

    • The Witch of Endor

      Lord, what a bunch of whiners. I’m betting next week’s article will bring ’em out in droves.

      C.A. Pinkham, I will miss your articles and best of luck at the new place.

    • sw19womble

      Awww…

  • Glenn Davey

    I’m glad Off the Menu (BCO) is moving. Wonkette is a dark corner of the internet. The font is bad. The layout is not as nicely readable. But I swear if there’s any signing-up business at Thrillist then you’ve pretty much killed BCO dead.

    • Aleria Snow

      Even worse: Facebook commenting.

      • justifiable

        The. Worst.

        • Aleria Snow

          Absolutely!

    • Jonny On Maui

      “Wonkette is a dark corner of the internet.”

      Wow! You don’t get out much, do you?

      • commatoes

        Maybe he’s simply never been able to figure out how to shut off the parental controls. I’m sure that there is a helpful eight year old that can help him with that.

      • jexx

        Right? I am following Pinkham to Thrillist (I have no idea what that will be like, but I’m adventurous and shit), but Wonkette is lovely. And vile. And a snark mob. But a dark corner? Puh-leez.

    • Frank Underboob

      You think Wonkette is a dark corner of the Internet? – Don’t ever visit 4chan or Motherless. Hell, I’ve seen newspaper comment sections that’re scummier & more filled with villainy than Wonkette.

      • commatoes

        When you have the death sentence on twelve systems, the list of places that you are welcome tends to be short. But you meet the most colourful people.

        • Frank Underboob

          So true. I’ve made some great friends in some very insalubrious places.

          • justifiable

            Cornholio from Cell Block C says “Hi.”

          • Frank Underboob

            Aw! Tell him his mom says “hi!”.

          • justifiable

            He says mom is actually doing a nickel upstate. You must mean his dad, post-operation.

          • Frank Underboob

            Could be. Either way, s/he gives dynamite hummers.

          • justifiable

            You’re a very secure man. Here, have a bleu cheese-stuffed olive.

          • Frank Underboob

            Danké!

          • justifiable

            Just don’t bogart the Pruno.

          • Frank Underboob

            Pfft. I have ‘arrangements’ for better beverages.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Evazan Liblez!

      • SessileRaptor

        Seriously, the very idea cracks me up. It’s like the suburbanites who won’t venture downtown because the last time they did they saw some black people at a bus stop.

        • sw19womble

          “dark corner” = ‘blah lovers’?

      • Aleria Snow

        ^^This. What is so dark and horrible about Wonkette? Everyone I have interacted with has been delightful and funny.

      • MediumBarda

        Wonkette needs more scum and a larger helping of villainy.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Don’t let the door hit your ass.
      Assprints devalue door resale price.

      • kareema

        Agreed. I’m always dumbfounded at people who obviously come to a website time after time and then bitch about it.

        YOU DON’T LIKE IT – GTFO.

        It’s pretty simple….

        • sw19womble

          “This free entertainment is disgraceful!”

          • MediumBarda

            They want their money’s worth…oh wait…

          • Bear OmNomNom

            “And the portions are so small!”

  • bird law

    Paul Lewis clearly was hoping for his lunch companion to become more than a friend.

    • Naytch

      I’ve been to the Heartache Cafe a few times myself.

  • kaw143

    You guys, we are SO mean for FORCING all of these poor people to visit this reprehensible, smutty, shameful website!

    I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED!

    • Jonny On Maui

      Well, a lot of folk can’t be bothered to read signs that are right in front of their faces, so missing the “Nasty Vile Little Snark Mob” and wandering in here could cause some, um, discomfort.

      I’m gonna miss some of the folk who are only here for OTM, less the ones that left messes on the coffee table.

      For me an article and the comments are like food and wine. As I don’t FB the new place probably isn’t going to be as tasty or as much fun.

      Say, who does that sound like…

      • Frank Underboob

        Hitler?
        (I mean, it’s always Hitler, right?)

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Hitler
          9/11
          Obummer Done Wrong
          That’s the complete list of Rethug topics.

      • MediumBarda

        Came for OTM, stayed for the snark mob. Sucks to be you guys, now you’ll never get rid of me.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Welcome! Watch your step, not everyone’s housebroken…

        • justifiable

          Ditto. I look forward to reading your non-comments, since they aren’t allowed here.

  • Lamashtar

    Pff. I have been that stupid waiter who did not know what “on the side” meant. Thank gods I’m older now.

    • Aleria Snow

      I think I would have wanted to hug him. That has to be both the sweetest and funniest screw up in the history of screw ups.

  • I AM R U

    This is the second-to-last Off The Menu to appear on Wonkette. Starting Monday, May 2, Off The Menu will be appearing in its new home at Thrillist.

    Wut.

    • Abhi Myadam

      Good or Bad I have no clue

      • C.A. Pinkham

        Good! They made me an offer, I accepted.

        • Renee

          Ignore the gritching, Pinkham. You know this band of merry travelers will follow you anywhere. ;)

        • Galaxy Girl

          Congratz, Pinkham! I’ll follow you there. :)

        • sw19womble

          I hope it was for money, and not a horse’s head in your bed. :/

        • I like OTM so much that I’ve gone back to that previous site and have been reading back columns of BCO (which is in no way related to OTM). Sad to hear you’re moving off Wonkette, but glad to hear the column has been enough of a success to get you unrefusable offers! Will you still be writing other articles here?

        • Three Phased

          There sure will be a lot less comments. Quite a few folks (as noted above) don’t do Facebook commenting.

        • jexx

          I’m following you, good fellow. I love the stories and the comments, even though I’m slightly ruffled at the thought of using facebook comments. I like my user name. *grimace* Oh, well.

        • Pierre_de_Fermat

          Congratulations then! But we’ll miss you. Sorry you won’t be here for the (crazy) summer and fall.

  • raincoaster

    Oh come ON! “Martini” is an American thing, which has spread to some countries in Europe but not all of them. You ask for a martini in some places, you get Martini and Rossi. There’s a reason that one wasn’t geospecified. #PinkhamsLaw Also that dude is a parochial twit.

    • umrguy42

      …But straight vermouth?

  • goddessoftransitory

    I’ll follow you anywhere, Colin my love.

    And that last story is so sweet! Just Amelia Bedelia to the max!

    • sarcasticcupcakes

      oh my god it so is.

  • Stacey Smith

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!cs436ctwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !cs436n:➽:➽:➽➽➽➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsSurfGetPayHourly$98…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!cs436n….,….

  • a_pink_poodle

    Dude… eggs…

  • ErrantDildo Micturition

    I’m glad I will no longer have to see ads such as “Three Foods that Cause Erectile Dysfunction”. ButThrillist uses Facebook comments only? Back to lurking-only it is.

  • kstonen

    I’ve read this blog for a LONG time and the dressing on the side is the BEST story I’ve read. Poor kid…

    • Astrue

      I agree 100%. That’s an amazing story.

  • anwisok

    How did I miss the part where you’re leaving? Damn. Good luck, I hope it works and you make lotsa money, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to follow over there . . . that may be the one of the most clickbait listcicle sites I’ve ever seen. Also too – ugly layout. Add in a facebook comment system and, well, I *certainly* won’t be commenting. I’ll look forward to your writing here, but . . . well . . . OTM may fall off my radar. We’ll see. Either way – best of luck, ubertrout!

  • casino la fantastique

    Ah, Fazoli’s breadsticks: for the mouth part of my face

  • Shayne Gibbs

    I made an account today just to say how much I hate Wonkette and how glad I am that you’re leaving! I followed you over b/c I love BCO/OTM, but this is the worst, most browser-crashing, shit hole of a website I go to. Onwards and upwards!

    • catch22

      What? where do I have to follow CA to now??? I came over here from GM and literally just bookmarked CA’s author page to avoid the rest of wonkette.

      ETA: Thrillist…right there in the article…welp, gotta do what I gotta do

    • theblackdog

      Too bad that we have to use the shitty facebook social plugin to be able to comment on any more OTM articles once he moves to Thrillst.

      • bellaluna30

        Won’t do it. I don’t play Facebook.

        • theblackdog

          I won’t either. I don’t need my snark about shitty restaurant customers being tied to my Facebook account.

    • sw19womble

      I’m glad you made an account, so I can personally tell you to go shit up a rope, you sad little fucktitty babywipe. Toodles! xx :)

      • Shayne Gibbs

        Ow-ie! You hurts my feewings!

        • sw19womble

          Here, rub a homily on it. I’ve heard it works truculently.
          Peace out, Happy Trails.

      • IconDaemon

        “fucktitty babywipe” – and at the tender age of 55, I thought I’d heard it all. People on the train are looking at me funny. Must be the out-of-control laughter coming from my piehole.

      • Peer Gynt

        Ad Hominem. A homily truculently tried by sw19

        • sw19womble

          Aww you are so clever using big grown-up words! I’ma skeered now!

          • Peer Gynt

            Bouillon. Bouillon. Hmm. Maybe it’s just a fancy word for chum.

            Mmm. A bit spicy. Quite robust.

    • I’ve never had Wonkette crash. Have you considered not using a TI-82?

      • Shayne Gibbs

        Yeah that’s probably it. I only have an IPhone 6, NOT the newest thing off the shelf. Damn me and my habit of trying to make modern electronics last more than a year! Oh, and I had to type this three times b/c Wonkette crashed on me twice, but oh well, bet it’s my calculator’s fault!

      • sw19womble

        ZX Spectrum or GTFO

    • URQ196

      You want browser crashing? Go try Salon on a iPad. Horrible site, I sent them a note about the page reloading in Safari making it a pain to read and impossible to post a comment, they sent me a note saying to download their APP, which after reading the mostly lousy reviews, I just don’t go there anymore.

    • How does this compare with the porn sites you’ve seen? Political commentary aside, that is.

    • LEM

      It’s the weird, porno/toe fungus ads that really get me. 75% of the screen is covered in ads about bikini girls and gross medical conditions. And prompts to pay Wonkette if you don’t want to see all that…

    • Frank Underboob

      most browser-crashing, shit hole of a website I go to

      I suggest upgrading from IE6.

  • Daru Titor

    Eggs are definitely important, that’s no yolk:

  • Bartlet4Gallifrey
  • ez

    True tale from the back of the restaurant. as mentioned before I waited tables at a fairly nice place. It was during the part of evening service when all the prep work is going on. A young cook is breading onion rings. You are supposed to use one hand for the wet part of breading and he other for dredging.

    Any, if you don’t you end up with blobs of breading on your fingers. Which he did. So far no real problem, it is a lesson on why things are done they way they are.

    However he being in high school figures it would be cool to dip his finger, which looks like a corn dog with all the batter/breading on it, into the deep fryer. Later he admitted he thought the batter/breading would protect his finger from the hot oil.

    That’s where the problem showed itself. Howling with pain he whips his finger out of the hot oil, flinging semi raw but quite hot batter flying about the kitchen. His finger blisters up until it once again resembles the size of a corn dog.

    Ruefully he admits he hadn’t thought it through.

    Lesson learned.

    So it goes.

    • Cassandra de Kanter

      HOLY GOD

  • URQ196

    The last story by Mary Hallington was absolutely hysterical.

  • dxyseilc

    Since we’re on the subject of restaurant employees fucking up, I have a bit of a cautionary tale to share, as one 19-year-old sandwich artist learned the danger of taking performance-reducing drugs on the job. Sadly, that person was me.

    It was late and it had been a particularly quiet night. There were only two of us running the store at the time, and at one point we go outside to take a quick smoke break. Only what we smoked was not tobacco. It was, however, a rather large amount, and particularly potent, and I was still very much of a lightweight in that area.

    We went back inside. The other guy went out back and started doing prep. Since there was very little of it to do (and also because I was a lazy and incredibly stoned 19-year-old kid) I stayed out front, you know, to watch for customers. In other words I was just goofing off, listening to whatever shitty pop song was playing on the radio, and (full disclosure) nibbling on some of the food (I at least had the decency to use gloves). But, at the height of my reverie, a terrifying thought sent chills throughout my body. “Oh, fuck… what if I get a customer?”

    So, I’m sure you know what happened next.

    She was probably in her 30’s, and thankfully there was only one of her, because two of what happened next would have been too much to handle.

    As she approached the counter to order her sandwich, I had a terrifying realization: my ability to function, or even communicate sensibly with another human being, had been entirely compromised. I had been working there for at least a month at this point, and all my training and experience had completely evaporated. It was as though you took someone who had been raised by wolves and put them behind a counter and said “Make this woman a sammich!”

    I don’t remember much of the process of making the sammich. I did my best, honest I did, but I made utterly stupid mistakes. I’m quite sure that at one point I skipped a step and had to be reminded, and I’m also quite sure that at one point I forgot a vegetable or condiment she asked for, and had to be reminded. And this lady, God help her, did not say one unkind word, or even huff impatiently during the whole process. All the same, I could feel myself being bombarded by massive waves of impatience emanating from her as she walked me through the process of doing my goddamn job.

    I finally got to the end of the sandwich making process. Time to send this bitch puppy off into the night! Well, not so fast, Cheech. You still gotta wrap it, bag it, and get the money.

    The process of trying to wrap this sandwich was a Kafkaesque nightmare I shall not soon forget. My impaired motor skills had me twisting the sandwich wrapper into bizarre forms I never would have dreamed possible, but nothing remotely resembling a wrapped sandwich. It was like trying to wrestle an alligator. For the longest time I could no more make this awful contraption wrap a sandwich than I could have made it bark the national anthem. And all the while this woman is watching my feeble attempts, and my self-consciousness is doing backflips. At this point she most likely thinks I’m mentally challenged.

    It takes several retries, but I eventually got the damn wrapper to (very imperfectly) cover the entire sandwich, and by that time the bag of fucks I had brought to work with me had been entirely spent, so into the plastic bag it goes. As I drop it in, a large portion of the evil fucking wrapper comes loose, because what the goddamn fuck else would happen.

    Whatever. It’s time to move on. Sandwich made, in the bag, now all I have left to do is ring it up. I move to the cash register, and stare stupidly at the computer screen in front of me, which featured an array of different buttons for all the different types of sandwiches that can be bought at our fine establishment.

    I have completely forgotten the type of sandwich I have just made.

    I mean, completely. My eyes dart frantically back in forth at the different buttons, hoping one of them will jog my memory. And this woman is still, still patiently waiting for a sandwich that has already taken far too long. And I realize that I will never know. Indeed, to this day I have no idea what it was. I did know a couple of important things, though. One was that I was definitely NOT fucking asking her the type of sandwich I had literally just made. I had been demoralized enough, and, just no. Not happening. The other thing that was for sure not happening was what I really wanted to do, which was throw my company hat across the room and run out of the restaurant screaming “Fuck! Fuck! I’m done! I can’t! I just can’t!” It was tempting, but I had come too far. I ended up ringing it up as a turkey, because that was the option my eyes had landed on at the moment I chose to ring it up as any damn thing just to get this shit over with. She pays and gets the fuck out of there.

    Needless to say, my buddy made the sandwiches the rest of that night.

    For whatever it’s worth I’ve grown up a lot since then, and have definitely learned my lesson as far as what is not the time or place for certain recreational activities. And, should that lady ever stumble across this story and recognize what happened, just know that I’m truly sorry. You deserved better.

  • Java “Like the Coffee”

    I’ve been vegetarian for a few years now.. in the south.

    I’ve been told to “eat around the meat” numerous times now.

    • Frank Underboob

      It kind of amazes me when people say things like that. It’s a bit like someone serving you up a meal with a turd sitting in the middle of the plate, & telling you to eat around it.

    • batteur

      Texan friend: requested vegetarian food, was served chicken, when he protested, was told “It’s chicken, ain’t it?”

      • Chickens are vegetarian, therefore they count as vegetarian food?

        • Jaymie

          Chickens are definitely NOT vegetarian. They’ll eat eat other given half a chance.

          • Huh. Never knew that. Guess I need to spend more time with chickens.

          • Julia

            I was thinking that makes me want to spend less time with them!

          • Jennifer Nicole

            Very few things are truly vegetarian in the wild. Deer have been known to eat birds. Gorilla feces have contained animal DNA other than their own.

      • decafjava
    • LEM

      Salads with bacon are the best. “Can’t you just pick it off?”

  • Gregory Brown

    Review of this week’s submission: 1) “Eggs … (?!) … they eat EGGS! I honestly have to ask, what color is the sky on the planet where these people live?
    2) Garden variety stupid. 3) My God, someone calm the boy down, before he does something rash. 4) Generous patrons. I hope the manager introduces the girl to the menu. 5) Refer him to a bartender’s guide, and fire him. 6) One of the funniest, grandest things I have ever seen; it made me laugh myself silly. A tale of human ignorance, bafflement, desperation, and ingenuity, met with perfect understanding, good humor and tribute.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    How can a bartender not know how to make a Martini? WOW!

    • veska

      My grandma taught me to make her martinis.

      • Frank Underboob

        Your parents had cut her off?

        • veska

          No, she was in a nursing home and couldn’t do it herself. My dad bought the gin and vermouth for her.

  • Kurk Schoner

    How can I continue to follow this great column without wading through Thrillist? I glanced at it’s offerings and I don’t want all of that.

    • Rob Hoffmann

      I’m sure it’ll be featured on the Food & Drink page at Thrillist. No harder to find there than here. And honestly, I think the Thrillist layout is easier to scan. Good thing I travel light, so I won’t have to pack much for the move.

  • Katy del Moxie

    “I burst into laughter until tears streamed down my face.”

    Something equally ridiculous happened when I was pregnant and I did this in the middle of a Mervyns. I don’t even remember what was said that pushed me over my limit, but I’m pretty sure the clerk moved faster than she had all day to get my Mom and I out of the store.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Loved your stories and will miss your column, dunno that I’ll follow it to the new home but you have a following (some of whom don’t like Wonkette much, apparently, sheez!, but came here JUST for you, I do not get their complaints) and picked up some more here no doubt. Good luck, Pinkham, bright future and all that!

  • JustCameToSayYum

    Wait, Thrillist? We’re moving again?? I don’t wanna go! I just started making friends here!

  • Kristyn

    ugh wot? that stupid website sucks and i cant even RSS it. stop movingggggggg

Previous articleJesus’s Health Plan Sucks
Next articleHillary Clinton Borrows Obama’s Time Machine To STEAL NEW YORK PRIMARY!