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Careful photo-analysis shows Rafael Cruz on congas
Careful photo-analysis shows Rafael Cruz on congas

We can think of about nine bajillion reasons Ted Cruz shouldn’t be president, but here’s one we hadn’t considered: Maybe his dry-drunk daddy was part of a CIA plot to assassinate John F. Kennedy!!! The shocking conspiracy theory comes from the fertile imagination of a guy named Wayne Madsen, who is only asking: Was Ted Cruz’s father involved in the assassination of President Kennedy? Let’s examine the compelling evidence! For one thing, Rafael Cruz Sr. was Cuban, and lived in Dallas and New Orleans. For another, Lee Harvey Oswald was photographed with some Cubans in New Orleans, and then moved to Dallas, where he shot (or was the patsy blamed for shooting) JFK! Back and to the left, sell the movie rights to Oliver Stone, CASE CLOSED!

Or as Madsen puts it in his Wayne Madsen Report (WMR), so it sounds slightly less like completely tenuous, evidence-free speculation:

Based on the presence of the elder Cruz, an anti-Castro activist, in Dallas and New Orleans before the November 22, 1963, assassination of President John F. Kennedy, there is a strong reason to believe that Cruz was associated with Central Intelligence Agency’s anti-Castro operations.

Oh, wait, that’s still tenuous and evidence-free. Well howzabout this smoking lone gunman?

Furthermore, a Cuban hired by alleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald and who bears a striking resemblance to Cruz is seen in an iconic photograph of Oswald and a group of Cubans Oswald hired who were distributing “Hands off Cuba!” pamphlets in New Orleans in the summer of 1963. The photo of Oswald and other Cubans he hired for the Fair Play for Cuba Committee was taken outside the International Trade Mart in New Orleans on August 16, 1963. WMR has been informed by a source that the individual to Oswald’s left is none other than Rafael Cruz. The photograph at the trade mart was favorably compared to a 1954 photograph of Cruz attached to an official Cuban Ministry of Education document.

Just look at the astonishing similarities! Both photos are in black and white, and show a guy with dark hair!

rafael cruz cuba doc

oswald hands off madsen

Notice also the presence of a middle-aged Sonny Bono (white shirt, to the left of “Cruz”), who somehow was in New Orleans in 1963. Proof that time travel was involved in the conspiracy!

Madsen says the guy in the New Orleans photo is a dead ringer for the elder Cruz, who since 1963 has grown much larger, sticky-outy ears and a wider nose — both of which he also had in that 1954 photo, but cleverly hid in the 1963 photo:

madsen cruz comparison

Even more evidence that the “man in the middle” has to be Rafael Cruz Sr.? That person has never been identified:

G. Robert Blakey, the Special Attorney at the Department of Justice in the Organized Crime and Racketeering Section from 1960 to 1964 and the chief counsel of the House Special Committee on Assassinations, affirmed that the men seen with Oswald passing out pamphlets at the trade mart on August 9 were never identified. In fact, Blakey told PBS’s Frontline in 1993, “when he [Oswald] distributed the literature, one of the two people was hired. The other person we’ve never been able to identify.”

If he was unidentified, he could be anybody! So he really could be Rafael Cruz Sr.! Also, just look at this incredibly suspicious timeline (bold in original):

In 1957, Rafael Cruz, a former salesman for the U.S. intelligence-linked RCA Corporation, left Cuba for the United States. Cruz claims he fought with Castro against the fascist government of Fulgencio Batista but soured on the revolution. However, Cruz left Cuba two years before the Castro revolution.

Cruz arrived in Austin where he enrolled in the University of Texas. This is a strange story since he claimed he left Cuba with only $100, which he said was sewn into his underwear. Cruz eventually gained U.S. permanent residency and a degree in mathematics from the University of Texas. In 1959, Cruz married Julia Ann Garza and, after Cruz graduated from the University of Texas in 1961, the couple moved to New Orleans from Dallas after the birth of their second daughter on November 18, 1962.

Cruz was in New Orleans during 1963, the year that New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison claimed his city was the focal point for the plot to assassinate President John F. Kennedy. The plot involved a number of Cuban exiles. Accused assassin Lee Harvey Oswald claimed, as part of his “fake defector” persona developed by the Central Intelligence Agency, to be a member of the pro-Castro Fair Play for Cuba Committee.

It all adds up: a whole bunch of tenuous connections (surely everyone who worked for RCA in the ’50s was a spy), and the guy lived in New Orleans and Dallas. It’s really uncanny! What are the odds that anyone else would have lived in two major southern metropolitan areas around the same time that Oswald and others supposedly involved in the massive CIA conspiracy did? All you need is a little Occam’s Duct Tape to hold it all together.

And now that same man’s son wants to be President? FISHY!!!! What do we know about Rafael Cruz Sr. and his possible possession of dildos? Was there a second vibrator gently caressing someone’s grassy knoll?

Besides, as No More Mister Nice Blog notes, this Wayne Madsen guy has a sterling record of discovering uncomfortable truths that THEY don’t want you to know. He revealed that Israel and Saudi Arabia did 9/11 together, and is one of the key proponents of the “Barack Obama is a Gay Homosexual” theory, and also claimed that he had proof of Obama’s real Kenyan birth certificate. So this is clearly a guy who knows things.

The real question is, why hasn’t the Trump campaign hired him as an advisor yet?

A note from your editrix: Dok has neglected to include in this post the SCIENCE FACT that Woody Harrelson’s dad — who died in prison after executing a judge — was one of the “three tramps” who did … something … and then were shooed out the back of the Dallas police department. Also he did not even GOOGLE “george h.w. bush killed kennedy.” But I bet you just did! See you in three days or so!

Also, Wayne Madsen was the expert interviewed by the National Enquirer who said Ted Cruz probably banged all the DC Madam’s call girls, which Dok did also not mention.

Therefore Dok is fired, until his next post.

[Wayne Madsen Report via No More Mister Nice Blog]

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  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I blame James Franco for not stopping the plot when he had the chance.

    • Zippy

      and for Spring Breakers

    • SayItWithWookies

      Clint Eastwood didn’t stop him either — our celebrity culture is clearly failing us.

    • limberrat

      have you read the book? We’d all be fucked if he had succeeded.

    • OneYieldRegular

      If you’ve read a James Franco book, then you know that he’s unlikely to be able to stop a plot.

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    Well, I’m convinced! Yep, it’s pizza for supper tonight!

    Now, what were we talking about?

    • Anarchy Pony

      How did you know what I was getting for supper?

      • Dr.Zoidberg

        I can read your mind! And you should be ashamed of yourself…tsk, tsk.

  • Callyson

    (reads post)

    Wait, have I been day-drinking? This guy isn’t serious, right?

    (re-reads post)

    • Creepoman

      The first question doesn’t preclude the second. Just saying.

  • SnarkOff

    Lame. Everyone knows who killed the Kennedys. After all, it was you and me.

    • Boscoe

      I thought it was bullets. :(

      • kev

        idiot — bullets don’t kill people — oh, wait sorry — i thought we were talking about guns.

  • Zippy

    The Cuban moron crisis

  • SayItWithWookies

    And you’ll notice that Lee Harvey Oswald and Ted Cruz share many similar facial features. Could Ted Cruz actually be Oswald and Julia Ann Garza’s love child? I speculate, you decide!

    • Doug Langley

      Let’s see . . . they both have noses . . . they both have eyebrows . . . they both have mouths . . .

      MAH GAWD!!!!!!

  • nightmoth

    Could we PLEASE fund mental health care?

    • Blank Ron

      Then who would Republicans vote for?

      • Querolous

        Then who would be a Republican?

  • Zippy

    Charles Harrelson and the Three Tramps

    worst folk group ever!

    • Boscoe

      I bet Manson auditioned for them too!

    • beingreleased

      How many judges,
      Must one man kill,
      Before you call him a man?

    • kev

      i thought it was a snuff sequel to goldilocks.

      • Zippy

        furry porn slash fiction

  • Bitter Scribe

    Peripheral issue, but this has been bugging me for a while:

    I wish you guys would stop sneering at recovering alcoholics as “dry drunks.” Alcoholism is a horrible affliction, and people who struggle against it deserve credit and support. There are plenty of reasons to deride Cruz Sr., Bush Jr., etc. without making snotty references to the fact that their drinking was at one time out of control and almost wrecked their lives.

    /soapbox

    • Zippy

      I always thought that the term dry drunk specifically applied to alcoholics who have quit drinking, but undertook no counseling or rehab or 12 steps or whatever to try to fix the underlying behaviors and thus simply became sober assholes who still had personality problems, as opposed to the ones who made themselves better people all around as part of their sobriety

      • HobbesEvilTwin

        exactly. a big difference.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Does everyone know there’s a difference? I’m glad Bitter Scribe wrote that.

  • calliecallie

    I didn’t even read this post yet, I’m just so grateful to be able to stop reading the Duggar post, that I felt compelled to comment. Too bad comments are not allowed.

    • Jonny On Maui

      I’ve been avoiding that one. Pegs my CreepMeter…

    • Biff52

      I read zero Duggar posts, and only one in a million Palin posts.

  • Vicious Babushka

    It was Assassin Fetus Babby Ted, before he went on to become the Zodiac Killer

  • YoBunnyBunny

    For those who can’t be bothered to read this nuttiness, Wayne Madsen in summary: THEY all look alike!!!!

    • Boscoe

      grainy and out-of-focus?

  • arglebargle

    Make Doc watch some of the Duggar nonsense Rebbecca. That’ll teach ’em.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Wow. A lot of people on the internet have solved the murder of JFK

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Again.

    • arglebargle

      They also figured out how to make me larger in my bathing suit area.

    • TheBidenator

      The internet is good for that in fact they have now proven Sandy Hook was a hoax, Columbine was a hoax and James Holmes was a Sirhan Sirhan style hypnotized assassin. The internet it’s not just for PORN anymore!

      • Zippy

        cat video libul!!11!

        • TheBidenator

          As someone who only considers dogs to be pets I purposefully omitted cats and you snake people, fuck off! A boa constrictor can NOT be “friendly”, Craigslist!

          • tomamitai

            You’re right about cats; they’re not pets, they’re masters.

          • TheBidenator

            They’re assholes is what they are….

          • Zippy

            my dog refers to them as “prey”

          • Historicat

            The word you are looking for is “deities”.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Butbut . . .he gives GREAT hugs!

    • tomamitai

      If the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics is true, then everybody killed JFK in some universe somewhere.

      • arglebargle

        Today, we are all Lee Harvey Oswald.

        • SDGeoff

          Je suis Lee!

      • Skadi

        If you believe Sondheim, it was a collaborative effort.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Everybody. Boy, that’d be even more crowded than the Caesar thing.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    This is what I love about the whole “CIA Killed Kenned” theory. It doesn’t take too much too much imagination to see the plausibility of it. But once you take that as a given, it can take you down some pretty weird pathways once you start.

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      In the words of C.K. Dexter Haven, “Not much imagination, perhaps, just the right kind.”

  • Lizzietish81

    Wake me when aliens get involved

  • TheBidenator

    Just how drunk was Ted Cruz’s dad on a scale of 1- John Boehner?

    • SDGeoff

      Orange drunk.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Noonan.

    • chicken thief

      I doubt the guy was ever funny so he stopped short of WC Fields and Otis Campbell.

  • arglebargle
    • Latverian Diplomat

      I saw something on Freespeech TV several years ago, one of those things that makes Zeitgeist seem reasonable, that claimed that W murdered JFK Jr. as his initiation into the Bush Family Murder Gang, or whatever.

    • SDGeoff

      They are very busy assassins indeed.

    • Dutchman

      Wait just a moment there! I was told by an elf that Vince Foster killed JFK and that’s why Hitlary murderfied Vince. In the park. With a shoe horn.

      Or maybe I was just high.

    • Msgr_Moment

      GRASSYKNOLLGHAZI!!!!

  • Just to clear things up a bit, Woody Harrelson’s mother’s maiden name was Oswald. Diane Lou Oswald. Ipso facto non carborundum.

    Call the dogs and piss on the fire, because we’ve done figured it all out.

  • TheBidenator

    I can’t wait until the theory that Elvis killed JFK finally gets the attention it deserves- go ahead, google it. It’s hilarious!

    • Zippy

      Elvis is everywhere…

      • arglebargle

        I had this t-shirt years ago but wore it out. Still looking for a replacement.

        • Zippy

          I blame Michael J Fox

          • arglebargle

            You’re on shaky ground there.

          • Zippy

            I couldn’t resist the temptation to stand my shakey ground

        • TheBidenator

          That’s pretty awesome, actually….

        • Msgr_Moment

          Me too! I wonder which one of us owned that shirt first and who got it as the hand-me-down.

      • Pinkham’s Law
      • Biff52

        Not none in Michael J. Fox, though.

    • Boscoe

      And to think, BatBoy’s time-travelling rescue plan almost worked, if it weren’t for transgender Alabama short order cook Hitler…

    • Doug Langley

      I thought JFK killed Elvis. Think about it! What could possibly have been in those roasted banana marshmallow bacon pork rind sandwiches that would prove fatal??

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Oh, FFS! Imma end up with a fractured skull at this rate. Excuse me, could I borrow that pillow? *thump* thump* *thump* . . .

  • Belasaurius

    it would be foolish to not speculate

  • Enfant Terrible

    Hey, that guy is playing his guitar left-handed. Is it… Paul McCartney? Or Jimi Hendrix in whiteface?

    • tomamitai

      Or McCartney’s replacement?

  • cheetojeebus

    As his handler, Chuck Barris was always very disappointed in Cruz’s work.

    • SDGeoff

      Is that the same Chuck Barris who designed custom cars? Or was that another of the Barri?

      • SayItWithWookies

        That would be Chuck Barris, host of The Gong Show and, in his spare time, dead-eyed assassin for the CIA.

        • SDGeoff

          Oooo…

        • proudgrampa

          No, no, no!!! It was Gene Barry.

          https://youtu.be/MWffko5T_xo

          • Zippy

            no, you’re thinking of Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine who, along with the unknown comic, beat Kennedy to death on the grassy knoll with a gong mallet. Why do you think that comic always wore that paper bag over his head to disguise his identity?

        • Me not sure

          So not the Batmobile guy? DISAPPOINTED!!

      • Querolous

        Are you thinking of George Barris of Munsterkoach fame?

  • Pinkham’s Law

    At this point, shall we simply assume that everyone born more than, say 5 years before his death took part in killing Kennedy?

    • Belasaurius

      i wanted to question my mother on her deathbed, she would have been 13 in 1963 and she lived in San Antonio. Is this this joke is in poor taste? Mom would have found it funny.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        If your mom would have found it funny . . . you should have done it. There are times to utterly dismiss what others think. Many of them, now that I think about it.

        • Belasaurius

          well the perpetual morphine sleep made conversation difficult

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Ah. :(

    • Dutchman

      Oh Dog! I make the cutoff by mere months. Should I just surrender to authorities or will they contact me when needed?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Oh, you should probably turn yourself in. Please do! When/where do you plan to surrender – I wanna watch!

    • SayItWithWookies

      Everybody was in on it! It makes Murder on the Orient Express look like See Spot Run.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        How old is Spot, exactly? BAD Spot! BAD Dog!

    • proudgrampa

      WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!11!!

    • Relativicus

      Not everyone. Just me. To wit…

      I was born in 1968. My first visit to New Orleans was 2001 and I’ve been every year since. That’s 16 years. In 2001, I was 33 years old. 1968 – 33 = 1935, making me 28 years old in 1963. Next, 28 + 16 = 44, Jim Brown’s number in college. James Brown, the music great, played a concert in Boston on April 5, 1968, the date of Martin Luther King’s assassination, and ten days before my birth. JFK was also assassinated. James Brown was certainly aware of the number 44 at the time, but said nothing. Now, this year is 2016. 2016 – 1963 = 48. There are 21 letters in JFK’s full name. If you double that number, then add the “6” from 2016, that’s 48. JFK would have been 48 in 1965, two years after his death. I was two years old in 1970. Finally, 1970 – 7 = 1963. So, as you can see, I am the only person who could have assassinated JFK.

      But I was in Baltimore at the time.

      • chicken thief

        But of course, the real assassin would claim to be in Baltimore…

    • Doug Langley

      That’s really ridiculous. I was born in 1956, and, and . . . why is everyone looking at me?

  • TheBidenator

    Yes but when is Ted Cruz going to step forward and deny that he is in fact the Zodiac killer? His silence just adds more to the suspicion….

  • Steven M. Harries

    Craig Mazin ✔ ‎@clmazin

    Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to “stimulate their genitals.” I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.

    10:35 AM – 13 Apr 2016

    18,023 18,023 Retweets 21,099 21,099 likes

    • proudgrampa

      Quoted in earlier thread, but definitely worth repeating!

      • Steven M. Harries

        Sorry . . . didn’t realize it was already covered….or uncovered.

        • arglebargle

          It is a stimulating topic.

          • proudgrampa

            Very!

    • TheBidenator

      Can we stop talking about Ted Cruz’s dick? In 30 minutes I am going to get some lunch and I’d appreciate being able to keep it down….damn you, Evan!

      • Jonny On Maui

        So far I’ve lost 29 pounds on the wonkette non-comment diet.

        I’m hungry as fuck but the pounds keep shedding…

    • NanBullenshede

      Dingge! Dingge! Dingge!

  • goonemeritus

    All white guys look alike to me.

    • Boscoe

      Like an endless sea of mayo and plaid…

    • BearGHAZI

      bunch a frisbee throwin tater tot gobblers

  • WagMoreBarkLess

    Mike Ditka coached the New Orleans Saints for three years. Mike Ditka played football in 1963, including in Dallas. MIKE DITKA KILLED KENNEDY.

    • Boscoe

      But is there a pic of him with a grainy blob that is probably Ted Cruz’ Dad?

  • TheBidenator

    I thought the Rolling Stones shot the Kennedy’s, and the Tsar and his ministers, plus they made damn sure Pilate washed his hands and sealed Jesus’s fate….

    • tomamitai

      Since Jesus is God and God controls everything Jesus’s death was a suicide, and every other death is God committing murder.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So wait, is this a plus or a minus for Cruz in the eyes of the typical Republican voter?

    Never quite sure how they feel about JFK.

    • Boscoe

      Pretty much the same way they feel about everything else: “does it help me/slam a liberal? Then I am for/against it!”

  • proudgrampa

    And 1963 was the year that the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn had its convention in New Orleans.
    Yup.

    • Boscoe

      You just spoiled the plot for the next Indiana Jones movie, didn’t you.

      • SDGeoff

        Aren’t they all alike?

        • Boscoe

          No, one of them has Sean Connery.

          • SDGeoff

            Well, then.

      • proudgrampa

        That’s the problem with all this secrecy. You never know!

  • Hutch

    “Madsen says the guy in the New Orleans photo is a dead ringer for the
    elder Cruz, who since 1963 has grown much larger, sticky-outy ears and a
    wider nose….”

    When I took Adult Development in college, we learned that, not only does the skin get thinner in old age, hair thins and turns gray, and bones start to break down, BUT noses and ears continue to grow!

    Proof positive that it was Rafael Bienvenido Cruz who shot Kennedy!

  • Sardonicuss

    Has someone consulted Billo about this? Because he was there.

    • Doug Langley

      Or . . . maybe he just saw a pic of it . . .

  • Relativicus

    Oh, sure, you’ll report nonsense about the father of our next emperor, but why aren’t you reporting on…

    THIS?!!?

    http://mediamatters.org/blog/2016/04/12/trump-ally-roger-stone-writing-entire-book-alleging-clintons-secretly-murdered-jfk-jr/209885

  • Skadi

    My mother swears LBJ killed Kennedy. She says it was so obvious, everybody knew it at the time, and that there were even jokes:

    “What’s our new President’s favorite song? ‘I Love a Parade’.”

    A: “What did Johnson do before the first shot was fired?”
    B: “I don’t know, what?”
    A: *puts hands over his ears*

    Just because something is “obvious” doesn’t make it true, however.

    • Me not sure

      There was even a play about this based on “McBeth” called “McBird”.

  • docterry6973

    JFK murdered JFK! He was RIGHT THERE people!!

    • Skadi

      Well of course. He went back in time and executed himself after the assassination was foiled by the Red Dwarf crew, jeopardizing space and time. This is common knowledge.

      • doktorzoom

        You beat me to it. He was such a mensch.

    • Me not sure

      Jackie shot him at close range with a .25 Beretta and tried to escape over the trunk. Wake up people!

    • Anarchy Pony

      It was Jackie O!

    • Doug Langley

      Oh, you heard that rumor too?

  • beingreleased

    A real difference between liberals and conservatives is that liberals look at an idiotic idea about a candidate they don’t like and say “That’s an idiotic idea.” A conservative would say, even if he knows it is stupid, “Well I definitely think we should look into it.” It’s a measure of intellectual honesty – conservatives have none.

    • beingreleased

      I think what I’m saying is that I wish I could say “Look!!! Look!! Ted Cruz’s dad killed Kennedy,” but I can’t bring myself to do it.

  • weejee

    And how many pounds, not micro-grams, but pounds of LSD25 did Mr. Madsen consume before this posting?

    • Jonny On Maui

      There’s only one answer, AOT, K

  • Sardonicuss

    So if I go back in time and kill Rafeal Cruz then…the Zodiac killer will never be born? Off to the machine!

    • tomamitai

      If you’ve got a time machine then why don’t you go back and buy Apple and Microsoft stocks when they were cheap and then give them to your Editrix so we don’t have to look at those ads or feel guilty about not donating munneez or using adblockers? (which I for one would never do or always do, as the case may be)

      • Sardonicuss

        That seems like a lot of work for me so you don’t have to use ad blocker.
        I am sticking with the JFK, Hitler stuff…and maybe some sports betting.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Grab a couple of acres on Ambergris Cay and build a little b and b. You’ll be set for life.

    • Doug Langley

      • KBBaldwin

        Oh, God! I do miss that comic strip.

        • Doug Langley

          This particular sequence was once of the best. When Calvin gets two hours into the future, he discovers the future Calvin doesn’t have the story, because two hours earlier he went into the future to get it and it wasn’t there . . . “So where’s the story?” “THAT’S WHAT I SAID TWO HOURS AGO!!!”

    • chicken thief

      Take Jeb! with you – he has lots of free time on his hands these days and can continue on back to smother babby Hitler.

  • Me not sure

    Oh Jeezus, Dok you have done it now. You have transgressd the unwritten law. Every JFK assassination nut in the world will be drawn here like moths to a flame to spew crazy conspiracy shit. I know this because I am one. I am only keeping quiet so that “they” don’t knock me off like they did with everyone else who has sought the truth. VIGILANCE!!

    • Cindyinencinitas

      Stand by for messages to be transmitted tonight at dinner by the “waitstaff” at “Denny’s” who will give you further instructions via the “arrangement” of “food” on your “plate.”

      • tomamitai

        My change the last time I bought breakfast there was $6.66! Explain THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

        • Cindyinencinitas

          You were supposed to wait by the car with a waffle in your pocket!

          • Zippy

            no really, I’m happy to see you!

          • Cindyinencinitas

            You should get that looked at…

          • HogeyeGrex

            Sounds like that’s what he’s trying to do.

          • Me not sure

            There were swarthy people out there.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Uh, you forgot to tip?

      • Me not sure

        I have to go to Denny’s for the answer? Nuh uh!

        • Cindyinencinitas

          Well you don’t have to “eat” the “food.” You only have to see it. Or maybe regard it furtively from beneath your fedora.

          • Me not sure

            Like Nick Danger? Oooh!

      • Notreelyhelping

        SMOKING GUN!!!!

        • Cindyinencinitas

          That is tremendous.

      • Zippy

        Kenneth, what’s the frequency?

        • Steven M. Harries

          Which translates to, “Dan Rather, sucking up to power gives you nice mistresses now, but in the future the powers that be are going to fuck you over. Capice?”

          • Me not sure

            Mafia! I knew it!

          • Zippy

            TRILATERAL COMMISSION LIBUL!!1!

          • Steven M. Harries

            Worse. Michael Stipe doing cosplay.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        So all of the conspirators are White?

  • MrBlobfish
    • Cindyinencinitas

      Excuse me, but judging from that picture, I think Denzel Washington is.

    • Sardonicuss

      I was watching a PBS show on the history of jazz the other night, and am pretty sure I saw Obama dancing in a club in…1928.
      Nick Cage was there also, so it was okay.

    • Doug Langley

      The fiend! He even switched to contact lenses!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I love these guys. They believe a government made up of people who can’t keep their mouths shut about eating a particularly good sandwich and who brag about knowing the Assistant Deputy Secretary of Agriculture for Guam and the Northern Marianas have managed to keep the killing of a President on the QT for half a century.

    • Boscoe

      It is funny the way government operatives conveniently become ruthlessly competent…

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Only to do something so staggeringly stupid that they get caught by a guy who knows a guy who saw them in the act.

        • Boscoe

          It’s eerily similar to the way Obama is the worst, most incompetent, do-nothing president EVAR, …except for the part where he single-handedly destroyed everything good and holy about America…

          OOh! Clearly Obama Benghazi’d JFK! Or at least he held Hillary’s hair while SHE did it!

          • Anarchy Pony

            He’s a weak, feckless, incompetent, tyrannical mastermind!

      • Sometimes it’s not competence, it’s embarrassment. Who wants to admit that they were part of a plot to destroy the US government by getting a complete idiot elected President? Oops, said too much.

    • NanBullenshede

      For all those half a hundred years, the Rumours never cease. Mayhap the QT hath failed, that indeed, the Secrets Be Not Kept. Mayhap Conspiracies Do Happen, sometimes, and are Not All Fantastikal.

      • rebecca

        I AM WITH YOU NAN.

        NOT KIDDING. FOR REAL. “how’d they all keep their mouths shut about flying cocaine into military bases then?” THEY DIDN’T. THEY ALL FUCKING TALKED.

    • Doug Langley

      Look, if they could keep the Stealth Bomber a complete secret since the 70’s, then how hard could it . . . oh, wait.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I’ll bet Joan Didion is simply kicking herself for having not uncovered this vital information during her writing of Miami.

  • Everyone knows Kennedy was shot by Gov John Connally because JFK wouldn’t stop kicking the front seat.

    • Doug Langley

      So THAT’S how the bullet came back and to the left.

    • chicken thief

      You can only listen to “are we there yet?” so many times before you snap, right Gov?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    One time I bought AAA batteries in Radio Shack. So I’m probably guilty of some grand conspiracy too. Maybe Benghazi!

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Dok! It’s all falling into place:
    …Notice also the presence of a middle-aged Sonny Bono to the left of
    “Cruz”), who somehow was in New Orleans in 1963. Proof that time travel
    was involved in the conspiracy! …

    Do I have to spell it out for you? Time Travel How was “Barack Hussein Obama’s” so-called “birth notice” placed in the Honolulu newspapers? The KGB went back in time to put it there! Maybe the CIA is really the KGB! Or maybe they’re in this together! I’ve probably said too much already, but I think you’re on to something and they will think so too! Act now to save yourself.

    • Sardonicuss

      Whatever you do, don’t look out your back door for a while. I think there are some guys working on your cable or something.

      • edith prickly

        WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      It is also how Obama was sent to Mars (the planet, not Mars, PA) several times as an undergrad.

    • SnarkTank

      AND! AND! If you want proof of the time travel, have another look at that ’63 picture. The guy behind Sonny Bono is DOING THE MACARENA! THEY DIDN’T DO THE MACARENA IN ’63!!!!!

  • btwbfdimho

    Also, my son went to 1st grade elementary school at Lilly B. Clayton in Fort Worth, TX, same school attended by Oswald in the 50s. And my son’s name is Rafael!

    • Cindyinencinitas

      You better go hide in the laundry room just until this thing blows over.

  • Scooby

    Kennedy thought the lesson of never visiting the VPs home state.

  • Steven M. Harries

    It’s only logical that Arlen Specter shot Kennedy. After all, he had the most to gain. Right? Right???

    • Sardonicuss

      Nabbed him that cush job on the Warren commission.

    • beingreleased

      I don’t think Arlen Specter is interesting enough to have killed Kennedy.

    • Doug Langley

      Has nobody noticed that Dr No had just been released the previous year, and the villain was . . . S.P.E.C.T.R.E???????? WAKE UP, PEOPLE!!!!

  • MrBlobfish

    This could easily be verified. Ask Bill O’Reilly.

  • witsended

    Stop picking on Ted.
    If I was in the untied states I would vote for him after seeing this endorsement .

    Glenn Beck Claims That He Has ‘Never Seen Ted Cruz Lie.’

    On his television show last Thursday, Glenn Beck spoke with a woman in his studio audience who was frustrated that she has been unable to convince her friends to support Ted Cruz for president and was seeking advice from Beck on how best to respond to their claims that all politicians are liars who cannot be trusted.

    Beck, who is close personal friends with Cruz, assured her that unlike all other politicians, Cruz never lies.

    “I have never seen Ted Cruz lie. Never,” Beck told her. “I’ve not seen the man lie; not personally or professionally have I seen him be anything but 100 percent straight up.”

    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/glenn-beck-claims-he-has-never-seen-ted-cruz-lie-well-allow-us-show-you

    • Zippy

      OLIGARH!

    • Anarchy Pony

      Then Glenn is lying, or is too stupid to spot all of Teddy’s constant lies. I wouldn’t rule out either…

    • Sardonicuss

      So Dr. Ben really did drop out in Iowa? The more you know.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Sure, Beck is completely trustworthy and never lies either, so why wouldn’t a person question this endorsement? So much truthiness, it stings!

    • Cindyinencinitas

      Because you can’t see a lie. Duh. Way to parse that out, Glenn. Very clever.

  • btwbfdimho

    The Dallas Morning News published this on the morning of the assassination (Kennedy read it in Fort Worth, before heading to Love Field).
    Was Cruz also involved on that campaign? Sounds like TCruz language…
    http://www.orwelltoday.com/jfkadtreason.jpg

    • Msgr_Moment

      JFK: The ‘F’ stands for “Hussein”.

  • Mavenmaven

    Klayman and Taitz are already demanding the Freedom of Information files.

  • Zippy
  • Objectifer

    I’ve seen that ‘rocking Oswald’ picture several times but never noticed the DK graffiti on the wall. Good stuff.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Dok Zoom: Disgruntled Former Employee. Soon to be a major motion picture.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      You ever notice how nobody wants to quote a gruntled employee? Where are they when the cameras are on?

      • FlownOver

        They’re together in the storeroom gruntling, obvs. Some are even re-gruntling – it’s thought by many people (just ask Drumpf) to be addictive.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          And the re-gruntling industry shamelessly over-charges the disgruntled for the gruntling. Bastards.

      • malsperanza

        They are down the hall, pretending to be combobulated.

    • Zippy

      Check the clock towers! Anyone know his middle name?

      • Suttree

        David, no. Wayne, no. Joseph!

  • Anarchy Pony

    Wake up sheeple! After accidentally causing a mess of the time stream, the crew of the Red Dwarf grabbed the Kennedy from an alternate time line and had him assassinate himself from the grassy knoll!

    • Markuserektus

      And here I thought it was some Secret Service dude that lost his trigger discipline…

  • Professor Fate

    Meantime someone else perfectly sane has accused the Clintons of killing JFK jr.
    I don’t think the Republic is going to survive much longer.

    • Anarchy Pony

      God I hope not. I really don’t want to be countrymen with anyone from Mississippi…

  • whitroth

    That’s silly. Now, E. Howard Hunt was probably on the actual shooter team, and one of the “tramps”.

    mark

  • JoeChristmas

    On his first day in office, President Cruz is going to have Madsen arrested, enhanced interrogated, and executed

  • Suttree

    I was involved in a criminal trial in New Orleans that was held in the same courtroom as the Clay Shaw trial (there is a big plaque on the left of the doors). Does this mean that I am implicated in the JFK assassination also?

    • rebecca

      yes.

      • Suttree

        Hopefully some fellow Wonketters will hide me in Montana Wyoming Brooklyn.

        • Markuserektus

          Idaho ;-)

          • Suttree

            Dammit, I knew I got that wrong! I blame this bottle of Prosecco.

          • Markuserektus

            It’s better than a frontal lobotomy…

          • KBBaldwin

            Hmmm, Prosecco! Excuse me for
            a moment.

        • Marion in Savannah

          I’d offer Savannah, but it’s about to get as hot as the hammers of hell down here, so you may want to pass.

          • Suttree

            I lived in New Orleans for the better part of two decades, I think I can handle some heat and a mint julep or three. ;)

      • TheBidenator

        Can I be part of it too? Or at least my avatar since I’m too young and have never been to New Orleans? Well, I did fly through Dallas- Forth Worth once…does that count?

    • TheBidenator

      You were on trial for public indecency, weren’t you?

      • Suttree

        Luckily I was on private property, so they couldn’t charge me with littering for bleeding all over the place.

  • Rick Hill

    But, then again, he can’t prove he DIDN’T do it. Using republican new fuzzy logic it all adds up.

    • NoGoodnik

      That’s that Common Core math for ya!

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The guy in the middle is not Rafael Cruz. Imagine him with glasses, and three years younger. That’s right, Buddy Fucking Holly did not die in a plane crash in Iowa. He faked his death (substituting Paul McCartney’s corpse for himself) after murdering the Big Bopper — it’s a well known fact that he always hated chantilly lace — and Richie Valens and was later hired by a pathologically jealous Joe DiMaggio to kill JFK. It’s all right there in the song, sheeple. Plain as day. Don McLean knows The Truth.

  • Shibusa
    • Markuserektus

      The evil demons are deceiving you!

    • proudgrampa

      Bu-bu-but the evidence is right there! Weishaupt snuck in and impersonated George Washington, the Illuminati are fronted by the Trilateral Commission. Have you looked at the back of a dollar bill lately???

      It’s all there! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!11!!

      • Amy!

        <fnord />

        • proudgrampa

          I didn’t see that…

  • Mahousu

    I was at the Dallas airport once. And I had a Cuban sandwich.
    Go ahead, lock me up right now.

    • Jonny On Maui

      What’s your safe word again?

      • Mahousu

        “Dildo” of course.

        • Jonny On Maui

          You might want to pick one a little more obscure, that one may come up during our ‘processing’ for lock-up…

  • witsended

    Off topic.
    The Brits have joined in persecuting patriotic jesus loving untied staters, in the not North Carolina.

    $830 million corporation pulling out of South Carolina over proposed anti-LGBT bill

    A senate bill that would ban transgender men and women from using the bathroom of their choice has caused a Charleston-based company to decide to move to the West Coast.

    Anthony Watson, CEO of Uphold, described himself as an “openly gay, British CEO” and said the company will move its U.S. corporate headquarters from Charleston to Los Angeles. Uphold is a financial services company that claims to have handled $830 million in transactions since its founding in 2014.

    “I have watched in shock and dismay as legislation has been abruptly proposed or enacted in several states across the union seeking to invalidate the basic protections and rights of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender) U.S. citizens,” he stated on the company’s website.”
    http://www.thestate.com/news/state/south-carolina/article71339592.html

    • beingreleased

      I’m pretty sure South Carolina only wants hetero money, not that filthy gay kind, so everyone wins.

      • Markuserektus

        Is there any way the Feds could pull some funding?

        • Jonny On Maui

          I remember reading a comment yesterday that it’s being looked at…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Do you think they will ever get tired of the invisible free hand smacking them in their pointy heads?

      • Zhu Bajie

        They’ll blame Muslims, you can be sure.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Thanks South Carostupid. We here in LA are glad to open our doors for the refugees from your insanity.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    He also neglected to mention that Rafael Cruz was the guy they actually sent to the moon to get the footage they used to fake the Apollo landing.

    • brucej

      Nonsense, he was here in the states training Ted to become the Zodiac Killer.

  • brucej

    I have it on good authority that it was “You and Me” that killed Kennedy. (see: Jagger, M, and Richards, K “Beggars Banquet”)

    • w9anthimos

      Did the Warren Commission ever follow up on this claim of responsibility?

      • brucej

        I believe they had No Expectation, because it was such a Jig-Saw Puzzle made by a Street Fighting Man who was the Salt of the Earth.

        Also they released their report four years prior to the claim being made public :-)

        • Suse

          My friend’s kid just saw the Stones in Havana. Coincidence? I think not!

        • w9anthimos

          They couldn’t Get No Satisfaction so they decided to Paint It Black because they figured that Time was On their Side.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        No. That is why Ford became President and Sen. Spector has such long career.

    • Me not sure

      You seem like a man of wealth and taste.

      • brucej

        Pleased to meet you!

        • Me not sure

          WOO HOO!

          • OrdinaryJoe

            But what’s puzzling me is the nature of your game.

          • Me not sure

            Mahellyeah jong?

  • The Wanderer

    Whee, so this bumblecunt Marsden thinks that Cruz pere did in JFK. What a fucking idiot. Cruz’s daddy is too much of a dingbat to know which end of a firearm to hold, let alone shoot anyone with it. Besides, he was in with Castro at the time, helping to subvert Americans with his heathen evangelical dribble.

    • Well, I think Marsden is a hoofwanking bumblecunt, but that’s just me.

  • diogenez

    I had to read this story rather than the one about Ted Cruz, dildos and masturbation, because – THE HUMANITY!!!

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Pffft. I want to know what’s on the agenda of the guy behind Oswald. He’s pushing something.

    • proudgrampa

      Yeah. What’s with the hands behind the head, huh?

  • laughingnome

    Oswald’s o face is intense.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Well I’m convinced. I was going to vote Cruz but now I see how irresponsible that would be and think we should just pack the treacherous fucker and his spawn off to Gitmo for some enhanced interrogation. Frankly it’s better than they deserve.

  • richardgrabman

    Nah… Joe DiMaggio was the mastermind of the Kennedy Assassination. Wake up Sheeple!

    • Doug Langley

      I knew all along it had to be a jealous husband!

    • chicken thief

      He still makes a mighty fine cup of coffee though, so what the hell, I forgive him.

  • BearGHAZI

    Young Rafael Cruz was a little cute

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Almost spelled that correctly

  • chiefkurtz

    Hang on, I hear he went by ‘Ramon’ in Memphis, circa April 1968, and lived near the Lorraine Motel.

    • Me not sure

      Did he own a Mustang?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Was his sister named Sally?

  • Suse

    I fucking love conspiracy theories – the loonier the better.

    • Marion in Savannah

      And you don’t get much loonier than this one!

    • Zhu Bajie

      Yes, they are a kind of fantasy fiction!

  • chascates

    It all makes sense now! Of course the CIA would want to kill Kennedy since he signed the Cuban embargo, OK’ed the Bay of Pigs invasion, and almost nuked the Soviet missile bases there. And the CIA was tasked with ‘killing Castro’ since 1962 and never could pull it off.
    The CIA is a communist organization and must be destroyed.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Destroying them works for me… I quite frankly don’t give a fck if they’re commies or not.

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        You’re really in Savannah? Do you have an opinion on Johnnie Harris’?

        re: the CIA being commie, I thought they were were working with the CIA. A certain former KGB colonel has all the info, but he is not saying and I don’t want to find I’ve eaten polonium, so perhaps I’ll leave it at that.

  • Doug Langley

    Once again, The Onion gets it right . . .

    http://www.theonion.com/graphic/november-22-1963-10584

    • Pickwicknext

      They always do…

  • bluicebank

    This seems to be the final puzzle piece that fits the hypothesis that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. Surely the Zodiac Killer’s father would have been the kid’s mentor. Who better than JFK’s assassin?

    Kill JFK, frame Oswald, then teach young Ted (birth certificate altered, because alibi) on how to do multiple killing in Calif … it would be years before the Dallas and S.F. compared notes, if ever.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    He revealed that Israel and Saudi Arabia did 9/11 together, and is one of the key proponents of the “Barack Obama is a Gay Homosexual” theory, and also claimed that he had proof of Obama’s real Kenyan birth certificate

    Thank the spagetti monster, I thought this was gonna be a case of both sides do it. Turns out, just a case of all furrns be up to something.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • SeanD

    How does poor Cruz’ dad deal with the guilt of having fathered a cruel human being who cares less about those in need? No wonder he was a dry drunk.

    • Wouldn’t he need a conscience to be upset about it? I haven’t seen a sign of one in either of the Cruzes.

  • TheBidenator

    O/T but the most devastating anti-Cruz attack ad ever launched: http://www.theonion.com/video/brutal-anti-cruz-attack-ad-just-30-seconds-candida-52562

    • jmk

      I only lasted 17 seconds. I had to turn it off… it was too brutal.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Also a spy working for RCA? Yep, Nipper.

    • Paul

      “His Spymaster’s Voice”

  • I feel kinda silly posting this, but I really thought the person you identified as Sonny Bono was the person you were calling Cruz, Sr. because he seemed to look more like the him. I’m not very good at this conspiracy theory thing. I guess, I’ll have to go back to work on my Ted Cruz is the reincarnation of Jack the Ripper theory.

  • eddi

    In Foucault’s Pendulum the publisher character noted that when the Templars were mentioned the book he was printing had veered into total unreality. This election has just gone the same way. The Kennedy Assassination is the American litmus test for absolute weirdness at this point.

  • Paperless Tiger

    For the first time in History, a team specialised in psychological operations (SCL/Cambridge Analytica) is attempting to fabricate a candidate (Ted Cruz) for the US Presidential elections and win him a home in the White House. – Thierry Meyssan.

    Small world.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Of course, there are plenty of rumors that JEB’s father was involved in Pres. Kennedy’s assassination!

  • Zhu Bajie

    Remember, the only person to take credit for killing Pres. Kennedy, was Papa Doc Duvalier, Pres. of Haiti. He used voodoo. Maybe Cruz and Oswald and Harrell Sr. and the tiger were all the tools of a voodoo spell!

    Is it crazier than other theories?

  • yyyaz

    Pffft. Sonny had better things to do in ’62, bangin’ then-16 Cher for one.

    • chicken thief

      Or maybe she was a working girl, before the fame and all, you know, and little babby Rafael saved up his allowance and boned her!!!1!!

      • yyyaz

        And every night, the babbies’d come around
        And lay their munniez down.

  • Querolous

    It is obvious that Oliver Stone went back in time to assassinate JFK!!111 If he didn’t he would not have been able to make the movie!!!111WAKE UP SHEEPLE!1!1!1!

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Dok, do what you need to do to get rehired. BTW, we all know the Gay Homosexual Mafia headquarted at the International Trade Mart killed Kennedy as a favor to J Edgar.
    Either that or Aliens. Space Aliens, not Cubans.

  • Rick Gardner

    does the name Rafael Harvey Oswald not sound suspiciously familiar? AND that hundred dollars was not ‘in’ his underwear per se, it was jammed up ‘by’ his underwear. There is a respectable difference.

  • motmelere

    It’s so cute how the Trumperterians think that the distinguished asshole from Alberta (everybody knows that) is a threat to be dealt with. The GOP is only backing him to get an open convention, which means closed in every other Merriam-Webster version of reality. When the delegates become unbound, you might see a Koch brother on the ticket. July has always been a long ‘how many people do I know born close to my birthday party’ but I think convention daze will top them all.

  • Hesavebread!

    “Was there a second vibrator gently caressing someone’s grassy knoll? ” Coffee meet keyboard . . .

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Why hasn’t the Trump campaign hired him as an advisor yet? Because they’ve hired somebody even better! http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2016/04/13/donald-trump-campaign-in-talks-to-hire-rick-wiley-an-r-n-c-veteran/
    He ran Scott Walker’s campaign, and also Rudy Giuliani’s, so you know he’s a winner!
    Plus he looks like a real political pro:
    http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2016/04/13/us/13firstdraft-Wiley/13firstdraft-Wiley-tmagArticle.jpg
    That snickering you hear might be from the Cruz camp, or it might be form the Clinton camp. So hard to tell.

    • Tansy Geek

      Did he leave his best pair of overalls at home for the photo session?

  • hu_wen

    There was a coup d’etat in the 60’s when the CIA killed the President. That coup d’etat remains in place, and it does its best to manipulate the Presidential elections to keep their associates in the oval office. It’s quite simple.

  • stonehillady

    I swear not even Hollywood could make this stuff up, but Madsen, he digs deep, I went out with my Senators brother back in the early 80’s, when I asked him, who did he think was going to win in my crappy little village election, he looked at me as if I had two heads, so he said, what do you mean, you better wake up, you don’t elect anybody, the people running things from this village all the way up to the President are all pre-determined, this election stuff is all a dog and pony show. So, folks Trump is scaring the crap out of the Club Boys and Girls of this criminal enterprise called the USA.

  • snicklepickle

    There is a Miguel Cruz listed as being arrested with Oswald in New Orleans, in The Warren Report. http://www.history-matters.com/archive/jfk/wc/wcvols/wh26/pdf/WH26_CE_2895.pdf

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