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NOT THE BEES

Greetings, Pilgrims. We welcome you to the hallowed ground of this, the Snake Oil Bulletin. You’ve come just in time for the Cleansing of Impurities. Get on your knees, strap that basket to your head, and prepare yourself for … THE BEES.

Gwyneth Paltrow never saw the Wicker Man, lets bees sting her face now apparently

You know what we haven’t had in a few weeks seconds? A rousing session of Two Minutes Hate! Today’s subject is that indefatigable font of nonsense Gwyneth Paltrow. In a sponsored blog post interview with the New York Times, Paltrow laid out the secrets of her eternal youth and beauty. Not once did she mention genetics and only once did she mention her multi-person professional makeup team. What an everywoman.

In the course of discussing her well-publicized love of alternative treatments like vaginal steaming, Paltrow let slip this bombshell that has the internet flapping its tut-tutting lips:

I’m always the guinea pig to try everything. I’ve got to try them all. I love acupuncture. Also, I just heard of a service called a sound bath, which might be too hippie-ish even for the likes of me. It’s some new healing modality. I might not be able to handle it.

But generally, I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. It’s actually pretty incredible if you research it. But, man, it’s painful. I haven’t done cryotherapy yet, but I do want to try that.

Lead eyeliner and mercury foundation are thousand year old beauty secrets too, so kudos to Paltrow for reviving a classic.

Paltrow is speaking of apitherapy, an apparently real thing. Apitherapy is a branch of naturopathy (of course it is) in which non-extraterrestrial human beings inject bee venom into people’s faces either through syringe or with actual live (well, soon dead) bees. The treatment claims to get rid of inflammation, kind of like injecting yourself with HPV to get rid of cervical cancer. It sounds like barrels of NOPE for someone like Yr Volpe who is allergic to bees and wasps, but we suppose it’s probably pretty soothing if giant swollen pustules are your kink (no fetish shaming here!). The apitherapists themselves claim they also use products like honey and royal jelly, but edible bee vomit takes a backseat to their use of a lethal toxin to heal arthritis.

Paltrow did not elaborate on her use of apitherapy, but let’s take a look at this terrifying video that shows the treatment in full. Ignore the obnoxious announcer; we didn’t hire him.

Watch and be amazed as these kind white people improve their skin a little by ripping a bee’s organs out through their stinger butts. For healing!

Naturally there’s no validity to any of the apitherapists’ claims but when has that ever stopped people from making a buck?

As for Gwyneth, we would point out the irony of a woman who doesn’t like “toxins” in her makeup yet has no problem injecting an actual venomous toxin into her face. However, “toxin” in the woo world does not mean what it means in the real world. In the woo world, a “toxin” is always a man-made or artificial substance. It has been tainted by the false god of technological progress and for that it must be shunned. There are no toxins in nature because nature is a blessed mothering force, not a horrifying cacophony of death and gore whose only constant is its commitment to self-annihilation.

And speaking of commitments to self-annihilation…

Anti-vaxxer film diseased, festering, terminal

For the past two weeks, we’ve been reporting the trials and tribulations of anti-vaccination film Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe, created by lying liar Andrew “Proven Liar” Wakefield. After being unceremoniously dropped from the Tribeca Film Festival, Vaxxed found a place at a single, lonely, independent theatre in New York, though word is that one locus of infection is all it takes for the film to spread to other venues, not unlike a measles outbreak if you think about it.

After the limited screening of the film, the reviews came pouring in. To put it mildly, people hated it. Ed Cara of Medical Daily savaged the film, pointing out that the film never once mentions that Wakefield did his original study at the behest of a law firm putting together a class action lawsuit against a vaccine manufacturer, nor does it mention that Andrew stood to profit from his own, competing version of the vaccine. Rather, Andrew is presented as a noble crusader who was first inspired to pad his wallet heal the world by meeting a mother of a child with autism.

Most of the film consists of personal accounts of tearful white people telling stories of the difficulty of raising a child with autism. While we’ve no doubt their lives have been difficult and we extend all sympathy to them, the fact remains that parents are not automatically made immunologists, doctors, or researchers on the birth of a child. When they popped out their babies, a medical degree did not come attached to the placenta. They are not in a position to make the vaccine-autism connection with any amount of evidence other than their personal feelings and an ignorance of the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy.

The primary contention of Vaxxed, and indeed most of Wakefield’s later career, is that the CDC engaged in a calculated cover-up of a correlation found between the MMR vaccine and autism rates in African-American boys. Anti-vaxxers get a lot of concern trolling out of this finding, claiming institutional racism and blah blah blah. Vaxxed claims that the race connection was intentionally covered up by the CDC, but don’t seem to realize that if the only evidence from the study pointed to a race-based correlation to autism, wouldn’t that mean that there is no connection among non-black children? And for that matter, maybe it would have helped to actually show more than one non-white family on screen to prove their point.

But even the simple correlational claim by the film makers is iffy as hell:

Let’s take that second one first, isolated autism. Here’s the thing – when the CDC team published their study in 2004, they did report on this. Instead of autism isolated from all other conditions, they showed autism without intellectual disability. The CDC reported that the calculated risk for this group was “statistically significant.”

In other words – what did they hide? Nothing. It’s the same result that Wakefield says was hidden. The only question I have – if this result is so important, why didn’t Wakefield or Hooker notice for the 10 years after it was published?

In other words, the CDC did acknowledge the finding, but Wakefield et al. realized they could get more fame and money out of playing the noble whistleblower card. And what of the correlation itself? Why isn’t it getting more traction? Simple, actually:

Thompson told Hooker that the CDC team [found] another possible result. This result was limited to only African American boys, a fact that is largely glossed over in a film of largely white people. And this Autism/MMR/African American boys result didn’t remain statistically significant under the CDC planned, more complete, analysis. Which is to say, it’s not strong, it’s not really controversial.

In other words, further study showed that the correlation didn’t hold up. That is how science works. One statistic does not causation prove and outliers don’t prove anything. In fact, the CDC’s most recent yearly report on autism in America actually shows that African American children have a lower rate of autism than their white classmates so whoopsie!

Naturally this entire film is a smokescreen for Wakefield’s real agenda: making money. Wakefield is nothing if not a promotion man and professional victim. He’s made a killing on the anti-vaccine lecture circuit, and despite having his professional validity torpedoed, it hasn’t stopped him from making money hand over fist. His “non-profit,” Thoughtful House (now called Strategic Autism Initiative), while ostensibly a grant program for autism research, put most of its contributions toward Wakefield’s salary. Over three years, Wakefield received about $316,000, while his charity only wrote four grants. Did those grants cover the rest of the contributions? Not even close. Over those three years, Thoughtful House issued a grand total of $80,000 in grants. That is 13% of their budget. Couple that massive paycheck with Andrew’s speaking fees, and it isn’t hard to see why he owns a mansion, on five acres, with six bathrooms and its own gymnasium:
andrew wakefield house

Man, the CDC’s conspiracy cabal just doesn’t destroy lives like it used to.

[Left Brain Right Brain / Medical Daily / Center for Disease Control / Indie Wire / New York Times / Apitherapy /

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  • Lascauxcaveman

    I’m always the guinea pig to try everything. I’ve got to try them all. I love acupuncture.

    What a trail blazer! Experimenting with a novel therapy that been in use for over a thousand years!

  • Nounverb911

    Gwyneth Paltrow is the reason for Bee Colony Collapse? We’re all going to starve because of her!

  • Nounverb911

    ..

    • The Wanderer

      “Think of it as evolution in action.” – Larry Niven, Oath of Fealty

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Love the real estate porn. I once walked around Pebble Beach golf course and one of the adjacent stately homes of California belonged to some direct mail sleeze who was under indictment.

    • Nounverb911
      • Villago Delenda Est

        FIRE SALE! 9 MILLION PRICE REDUCTION! HURRY!

      • theCryptofishist

        A lawn is an abomination unto the Lord. Private tennis courts, also, too.

        • Hutch

          I have micro clover. Stays green with little water and I only mow about three times a summer. Puts nutrients in the soil. Better than lawn.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Wild strawberries, interspersed with a little bit of grass covering almost all of the front yard. The backyard is covered in an assortment of wild things, most of them unidentified. Note: I do not water this lawn. Where I live, Mother Nature handles that task just fine. And I do not fertilize it or add anything to it. All I do is mow the entire half acre with a hand-powered reel mower during the growing season and hack the forest back to keep it from reclaiming it. (The forest has everything else around here, but this is my little spot.)

          • Hutch

            Fraises des Bois. Beautiful.

        • willi0000000

          a small patch of lawn as a play area for kids or a place to sit outside on a sunny day or warm night is OK . . . but a lawn is basically a desert unless you mow by cow.

      • Biff52

        On a public waterway? How gauche!

      • Playonwords

        Sparkling waterways of Long Island Sound?

        OTOH I wonder how often it floods – or will flood in future. Heh – heh – heh.

        • Toomush_Infer

          New product: Trump Sparkling Water…

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        There goes the neighborhood.

      • Blank Ron

        I just need a pair of swim fins, a wet suit and five gallons of Roundup. Wouldn’t it look great with ‘VOTE CRUZ’ burned into the lawn?

    • Bemused

      You used to be able to rent a house for a week in Pebble for the same price as 2 hotel rooms for a week. Then the hotels got pissed and now you can’t do real estate porn in person without paying the stupid 17 mile drive fees.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    I’ve had a sound bath. I went to see the Flaming Lips in 1991(?). It was the loudest thing that I have ever heard. It blew dirt offa me.

    • The Wanderer
    • Biff52

      I got some permanent hearing loss from the opening note of a Georgia Satellites concert back then. I beat a hasty retreat for the exit, but that one note was loud!

      • nightmoth

        Sympathy! I had ringing in the ears for 3 days after a Johnny Winter concert. NOW they tell me that means permanent damage.

        • Biff52

          I can’t blame it all on rock and roll though. Much gunfire and operating heavy equipment without benefit of hearing protection took its toll.

      • mtn_philosoph

        The Rolling Stones and The Mahavishnu Orchestra were a couple of the loudest shows I went to back in the day. Also the Eurhythmics. The Ramones were quite loud too, but that was in a small club. Others: the Jerry Garcia Band, Talking Heads (just during their Remain In Light tour; the volume was more reasonable during the earlier shows and their later Stop Making Sense tour) and Zappa. And Alice Cooper.

  • Grokenstein

    That GIF looks like Nicholas Cage (*reminisces back to days of films like Raising Arizona, sighs despondently*) is all NOM NOM NOM THE BEES.

    • kaw143

      KILLER BEES!

      https://youtu.be/MgRfb0u5zWE

      According to the box, you controlled all of the bees of the world against a hoard of invading beebots, but clearly, you are desperately trying to help an army of ramaging Gweneth Paltrows with their beauty regimens. This, of course, kills them because they listened to Gweneth Paltrow’s medical advice.

    • Rick Grubber

      Is that what you look like putzey wutzey? LMFAO!

  • Werewolf

    I like my coffee like I like my movie stars-COVERED IN BEES!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    obligatory

  • Villago Delenda Est

    What? Wakefield’s entire schitck is a grifting scam?

    Oh, dear. The vapors are coming on. Fetch me Ms. Lindsey’s fainting couch!

    • Nounverb911

      He is, after all, a fine graduate of the Sarah Palin University of Grifterology.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Which would, of course, be an online program where the “pay tuition” link works very well but the “process diploma” link seems to make your browser freeze up every time.

        • Hijabi Rockstar

          Hey, we must go to the same college!

    • Hutch

      I have your new and improved smelling salts, which now include a miraculous ingredient that prevents autism!

  • JMP

    Gwyneth, keep doling out the advice that any regular woman who can afford to spend thousands of dollars a day can easily follow.

    • The Wanderer

      And, of course, she won’t get a dime for her endorsement of the next weird-ass ‘treatment’ to come down the pike, oh no.

  • RobKanC

    I have a new naturopathic therapy that transplants a bee’s hive in place of your brain. It cures stupidity. 100% guaranteed.

    • Toomush_Infer

      In fact, it might give you a swarm of ideas…

      • RobKanC

        More like a hivemind.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Uh Fare? Mr. La Volpe?

    Bone to pick.

    In fact, the CDC’s most recent yearly report on autism in America actually shows that African American children have a lower rate of autism than their white classmates so whoopsie!

    Actually, not what the CDC says. And it’s a real important distinction.

    This is what the CDC says:

    White children were more likely to be identified with
    ASD than black or Hispanic children. Black children were more likely to be identified with ASD than Hispanic children.

    Key here is likely to be identified.

    As the CDC report says:

    Black and Hispanic children were less likely to be evaluated for developmental concerns by age 3 years than white children.

    So it’s not necessarily that African American kids are less likely to have autism – in fact, I’d say reading the report – the “real” incidence is probably similar, but the diagnosed incidences are fewer for African American and Hispanic kids.

    In fact, later in the report the CDC clarifies this:

    Research does not show that black or
    Hispanic children have a lower risk of developing ASD
    than white children. It is possible that black and Hispanic
    children face socioeconomic or other barriers resulting in
    a lack of or delayed access to evaluation, diagnosis, and
    services.

    However – VACCINES STILL DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What this shows is that Black and Latino kids don’t get the same level of medical scrutiny as white kids, n’est ce pas? So we’re actually diagnosing something completely different that who is likely to be diagnosed with autism…it’s who is likely to be diagnosed with ANYTHING.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Yep. As a person who works in the public schools I see this ALL THE TIME.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      “However – VACCINES STILL DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM.”

      What? Of course they do. I heard from a woman who does porn for a living.

      • willi0000000

        i can think of no higher authority than that.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Spoilsport…

    • Playonwords

      Thanks for that

  • JMP

    I will say one thing in Paltrow’s defense: Coldplay sucked donkey ballsway before she got involved with their lead singer, and still sucks now that they’re divorced, so that’s one hideous travesty she was involved in that was not her fault.

    • kaw143

      I was really stoked when I heard this new Jamiroquai song on the radio, but then the announcer told me it was the new Coldplay song.

      • Playonwords

        My Missus calls Jamiroquai the Prat in the Hat.

        On the other hand she also likes the Smiths …

        • kaw143

          JOHNNY MARR LIBELZ!!11!

  • Nockular cavity

    “a horrifying cacophony of death and gore whose only constant is its commitment to self-annihilation.”

    Hey, that’s one of my favorite songs!

  • Hmm… I hear Giant Asian Hornet’s stings work even better than bee stings! Not only that, it doesn’t kill the hornet to sting you!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Those things are nightmare fuel for me.

    • Billy Rubin

      That sounds *much* more responsible!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Well, Mr. President, it’s the bees and spiders again! They stole my food stamps, and sold ’em to the rats. And I tried to get down to my car, for to honk the horn for help, but the snakes has gotten it for the cockroaches. I go back upstairs, but the spiders has jammed the police lock! I ain’t been inside for a week, and I know that my wife is sleepin’ with the bees!

    Could you state that as a question, please?

    Well sure, Mr. President! Where can I get a job?!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Who knew that Alex Trebek was the actual President?

      • Bitter Scribe

        You’ve got my vote for $500, Alex.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Thanks, Obama!…

  • Biff52

    Steamed clams, the only kind I’m not allergic to…

  • Stein Olsen

    I heard smearing fly shit on the inside of your eyelids would help for… something.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      It helps with no having fly shit on the inside of your eyelids.

      • Stein Olsen

        There it was.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I used to suffer from that, but now I’m glad of it.

    • Markuserektus

      Chicken manure is good for chapped lips. It doesn’t cure them, just keeps you from licking them…

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Bee stings (on the face? Aye carumba!) are guaranteed to make me cryotherapy every time.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Also, I just heard of a service called a sound bath, which might be too hippie-ish even for the likes of me.

    Pro tip: If you ever hear yourself saying, “this might be too ____, even for the likes of me”, it probably means that you are just too damn ______.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Gwyneth, honey, you’re fucking crazy.

    • kaw143

      No, no. She consciously uncoupled with crazy a couple of years ago. She’s fucking insane, now.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Aren’t most rich girls?…

  • rocktonsam

    I liked Gwyneth Paltrow’s mothers face more than I like Gwyneth Paltrow’s face also

    • Hutch

      Blythe Danner is beautiful — even in her old age.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Classy.

        • Rachael Batten

          Um she’s 73, by any account, excepting boomer-bias, that’s elderly.

      • kaw143

        I did not know that Blythe Danner is Gweneth Paltrow’s mother. But, now I’m no longer confused as to why anyone would consider Gweneth Paltrow an actress.

  • nightmoth

    If it’s all these wacko beauty treatments that are keeping Gwyneth’s face so bland and vapid, she needs to stop at once and grow some laugh wrinkles.

    • ahughes798

      So you’re saying that her outside matches her inside, then.

      • nightmoth

        Wellll—I don’t want to be hateful: I’m sure she’s got a sweet personality, but—

        • Skadi

          “Like Phoebe from Friends” is what I always hear.

  • theCryptofishist

    Hey, he’s got solar panels. Therefore: Good! Winner! Sane!

    (Or maybe not.)

  • Relativicus

    “Make up to $1500/day having your life ruined by the CDC, from home!”

  • Starbug

    She should choose the greener alternative and get stung by bumble bees instead. They’re mostly native species, they don’t die after stinging, and each bee can sting more than once. It’s just good environmental stewardship.

    • Hutch

      Yellow jackets would work, too. I have a couple of hives I’d be glad to send her.

      • Vienna Woods

        God, I hate those fuckers. I’m not allergic to them, unlike my husband, whom I’ve had to rush twice to the hospital after getting stung. But fuck they hurt. However, it is very satisfying to pour a pot of boiling water on a nest.

        • Biff52

          I swell up like a poisoned pup. I keep a can of that 20 foot spray handy at all times in the summer months.

          • Vienna Woods

            It pisses me off that Mr VW is deathly allergic so I’m the one who has to deal with the bastards every single time.

          • Biff52

            I would gladly share my burden, but alas, no Mrs Biff…

          • ahughes798

            Does Mr. VW carry an epi-pen? Or is a trip to the ER necessary even after you use your epi-pen?

          • Vienna Woods

            He has not updated his epipen in years because man. I haven’t had to rush him for more than 15 years.

          • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

            Maybe he just pretends to be to guilt you into doing it.

        • Hutch

          I had a HUGE underground nest when I bought my house and I called an exterminator. I asked him why no bee suit, and he said, “Well, little lady, I’ve been doin’ this for 15 years. I know what I’m doing.”

          I waited in the house until he started spraying and the wasps quickly swarmed into his closed truck. He BURST out of the truck, fell on the ground, screaming like a girl, pulled his clothes off, and ran away. I had to call his company. They finally found him a couple of blocks away, and it took them two trucks and two guys in bee suits to exterminate the nest. I wish I had had a camera.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            My former shop space was infested with wasps…I got stung constantly. Vindictive little beasts. I got to the point where it didn’t seem to hurt nearly as much as the first few times.

      • The Wanderer
        • Hutch

          Those look like my local high school teams’ mascots. They are the Yellow Jackets. Go Jackets!

          Better, I guess, than the local town’s mascot — the Fightin’ Syrupmakers of Cairo, Georgia (pronounced kay-row, like the syrup).

          I need to move.

    • willi0000000

      nope! . . . sorry, but it has to be something useful you kill.

    • Biff52

      I would have suggested Africanized honeybees, but then I’m an asshole like that.

    • bozilingus

      Maybe use fire ants instead, I am sure Floridians would be glad to give them up.

      • Biff52

        If only they were confined to the South. I have them at my NV compound, and they have been spotted in east-central California as well. Those hurt me as bad as wasps or hornets.

        • Jonny On Maui

          They’re on most of the islands. Active effort to get rid of them is in progress.

      • The Wanderer

        Argentine fire ants are vicious, cursed little hellspawn.

      • Playonwords
    • limberrat

      Have some wasps that are looking for a good home that isnt mine.

      • Blank Ron

        Happily the extended cold snap we’re experiencing up my way has been killing off the wasps. Bloody thing like to build their nests in the vehicles stored outside, which makes removing body panels ever so much fun.

  • Hijabi Rockstar

    “Healing modality.” Maybe we can dialogue about that paradigm as we leverage our synergies over brunch.

    • Wombat

      No lie, I get talking points at work that are written like this. I generally call up the offender so we can have a quick discussion that begins with a more professional version of “WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THIS SHIT?”

  • Toomush_Infer

    After five years, Toomush had to give up beekeeping when he started swelling up alarmingly from the occasional sting. His fellow beekeeper, Charlie, offered to give him bee-sting therapy, which had worked for his girlfriend. One sting a day for six months. Toomush declined. Fuck the delightful little bees….

  • Latverian Diplomat

    How odd that bees developed skin therapy as a defense mechanism. Nature is mysterious.

    • ahughes798

      I know fellow MS sufferers that swear by bee sting therapy. I believe that current science now says that bee stings don’t work, yet they still go for their weekly(or whatever)stinging sessions. No thanks.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Who knew babykilling paid so well?

    • kaw143

      Tiberius?

    • kaw143

      Herod the Great?

    • Shibusa

      Planned Parenthood’s VP of Baby Part Sales?

    • The Wanderer

      Ekkehard Paisley, the Baby Crusher?

    • ahughes798

      God?

    • John Smith

      God in the Old Testament.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Also, bees are a psychological source model for male insecurity – we know what could happen if you girls set up a queen and decided you didn’t need us anymore….

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Hey, if you’re man enough to enjoy sex on the wing that that fatally snaps your penis off, you could find a place in a beehive.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Been there, done that…

    • bozilingus

      Please don’t drone on…

    • jmk

      The ex had a boss (a small brown man whose name was actually Bruno Piccolino) who was convinced that “women’s libbers” were working on a way to replace men with – and I quote – “artificial salamis.”

  • Left Coast Tom

    There are no toxins in nature because
    nature is a blessed mothering force, not a horrifying cacophony of death
    and gore whose only constant is its commitment to self-annihilation.

    This will surely comfort the families of people who die eating Death Cap mushrooms, whose “non-existent” deadly toxins are especially problematic because the mushroom is often mistaken for another, edible, Southeast Asian species.

    • Biff52

      Give me Libety Caps or give me Death!

    • berkeleyfarm

      Don’t forget arsenic! All natural!

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Wakefield: “I’m not just a member, I’m the President!”
    https://steamid.eu/images/avatars/f9/f92c2e920d850d232f6dc6d2cd8d6283e00ccbf3_full.jpg

  • Shibusa

    When I read about apitherapy, I think: To bee, or not to bee…

    • Playonwords

      But it’s not outrageous fortune that’s stinging – it’s fucking bees!

    • PUAAN

      Oh, honey…

  • kaw143

    Somewhat on topic: There’s a local beauty shop called Belladonna. I imagine that they serve you a tasty tea and guarantee that you’ll never age another day.

    • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

      You know the plant is named in reference to women using it to dilate their pupils, right? It is literally a cosmetics reference.

      • kaw143

        Yes, I do. But I’m also a jerk, so I go with whatever joke makes me giggle.

        Also, the concept of wide-pupils being attractive has always baffled me. I realize it’s a thing, but I’ve never understood it.

        • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

          It, like blushing, is part of the outwardly visible physiological signs of arousal.

          • kaw143

            Ah, in that case, it is another entry in the ever-growing list of “You might be asexual if. . .”

          • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

            It’s not really supposed to be directly attractive to you, it’s supposed to give the impression that she finds you attractive.

          • H0mer0

            Taking off my shirt accomplishes the same thing….

      • Playonwords

        Purified compound still used by ophthalmologists to dilate the pupils and it still has a medical use in the treatment of the symptoms of Parkinsons disease. Its use in treating menstrual cramping has largely gone away.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I don’t get the point of that wicker thing on the guy’s head in the top photo. What is that supposed to do, prevent you from eating a peanut butter sandwich? It doesn’t look very toxic or tortuous to me. Apparently I missed this movie so I don’t get the point.

    So there are no toxins in nature? What about rattlesnake venom? What about smallpox? What about the box jellyfish that has enough toxin in one tendril to kill a dozen people? My goodness, people can be so delusional. This has been known forever. Socrates said self examination is a preliminary step to the attainment of true knowledge; self-delusion is a frequent source of error. Except he said it in Greek.

    • kaw143

      Apparently, I missed this movie so I don’t get the point I am an incredibly fortunate person.

      FIFY

    • Hutch

      I noticed that, too, but figured, it’s a remake. The original Wicker Man in the sixties was pretty amazing.

      • cousin itt

        1973, actually. And yes, a great horror film.

        • Hutch

          You’re right! Time is getting to be a meandering river of memories for me these days. Sigh.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          What is the name of this horror film? I remember the book 1984 and the cage with the rats, but I must have missed this film in 1973.

          • cousin itt

            The Wicker Man

          • cousin itt

            The original doesn’t have bees, only the recent remake piece of shit.

    • Playonwords

      Use sugar of lead – the natural non-fattening sweetener!!!!

    • John Smith

      Socrates was sentenced to death by drinking hemlock, another natural toxin.

    • paul helssom

      “Apparently I missed this movie so I don’t get the point.”

      You didn’t have to not see the movie to miss the point. It was in the same place the put the plot.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Your comment made me laugh for the first time in several days. Thanks.

  • cousin itt

    A laa dee dee, a one two three
    Eric, the half a bee
    A, B, C, D, E, F, G
    Eric, the half a bee
    Is this wretched demi-bee
    Half asleep upon my knee
    Some freak from a menagerie?
    No! It’s Eric, the half a bee
    A fiddle de dum, a fiddle de dee
    Eric, the half a bee
    Hoh hoh hoh, tee hee hee
    Eric, the half a bee
    I love this hive, employee
    Bisected accidentally
    One summer afternoon, by me
    I love him carnally

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlrsqGal64w

    • kaw143

      Sarah Connolly?

      • paul helssom

        Cyril Connolly…

        • kaw143

          Huh. I always thought it was “Sarah”. I have no idea who either of them are, though, or even if Sarah Connolly is a person. MONDEGREENS! I’ve come up with some doozies over the years.

          “Edge of Seventeen” came on the radio not long ago and a coworker wandered by singing, “Just like the one-swing gnome” instead of “Just like the white winged dove”. Because, obviously the song is about the golf handicaps of garden decorations.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Knowledge is Power.
            France is Bacon.

          • kaw143

            Accent, you ain’t the positive!

        • jmk

          No…semi-carnally.

    • Anarchy Pony

      I keep dreading that one day I’ll wake up and there will no longer be a John Cleese in the world.

  • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

    Bees. My god.

  • Anarchy Pony

    How do you spell charlatan? A-n-d-r-e-w-w-a-k-e-f-i-e-l-d.

    • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

      “How do you spell charlatan?”

      As infrequently as possible.

  • Joshua Norton

    OT, but there appears to be a babby in my Twitter feed!

    https://twitter.com/commiegirl1/status/719255049898070016

    • cousin itt

      You’re not lion.

    • kaw143

      Well, I did say that other post needed more lions. . .

    • Shibusa

      That’s a dandy lion!

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        My mane source of enjoyment today.

        • Juanitasjoseph3

          “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr.”….!oa627utwo days ago new Silver McLaren P2 bought after earning 18,512 Dollars,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k Dollars Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a day ..with. extra open doors &. weekly. paychecks… it’s realy the simplest. work. I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. 87 Dollars, p/h.Learn. More right Here!oa627➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsTechGetPaidHourly98$…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!oa627u…….

    • Toomush_Infer

      This girl is happy for hats!…

    • Msgr_Moment

      Is that a cougar? Now I know where the wild things are. Mrowwww!

    • Hijabi Rockstar
  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    “It’s some new healing modality.”

    Translating…

    Not Medicine.

  • Playonwords

    A bit OT. Hesitated about posting this because I don’t like blowing my own trumpet..

    There was a “New-agey” article on Alternet Do Dogs Have a Soul?: Taking ‘Creaturely’ Life Seriously, to which I responded in my usual aggressive-take-no-prisoners-manner and I got this perfect waffle in response.

    Soul and Spirit:

    -Aggregates of conscious energy, holographic fragments of God

    -Consciousness is the only thing that actually exists in the absolute sense; it is an aperture into infinity.

    -Individualized consciousness is a self-regulating portion of existence aware of its own existence.

    -Soul is “lifespark”; characterized by basic awareness and consciousness.

    -Spirit is “Godspark”; characterized by self-awareness and individualized consciousness.

    -Mineral, plant, animal, and human souls differ in complexity and level of individuality.

    -Whereas minerals, plants, and animals are growing their souls, humans are developing their spirit.

    -In higher planes of reality, beings may exist without a physical body.

    -While occupying a physical body, genetics tend to match spirit/soul nature — if spirit or soul is present.

    -Large mismatches in genetics and soul frequency result in failure to incarnate properly.

    -Slight mismatches cause gradual mutations in one to accommodate the other; genetics change epigenetically with soul growth and vice versa.

    -The developed human individual is composed of physical body, soul (etheric and astral body) and spirit (volitional and mental body).

    -Not all humans or animals have a spirit, just soul and body.

    • Hutch

      Looking for a noun that will express what the verb “hornswoggle” does. Hmm. Something better than nonsense. Hooey? Twaddle? Twaddlesauce? Bilge? Hokum?

      • The Wanderer

        Claptrap?

        • Hutch

          Expository claptrap. The claptrappier the better!

      • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

        Codswallop?

        • Hutch

          Perfect! And accurate!

      • berkeleyfarm

        The late great P. G. Wodehouse used to use the phrase “apple sauce” to describe pure nonsense. I like it and would love to see it back in circulation; it’s short, sweet, and you can say it in what we used to call “polite company”. But you and the others have excellent suggestions.

        • jmk

          He was also fond of “pure banana oil,” which is another good one.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Sheesh. Hippies, huh? Of course dogs have souls.

    • Hijabi Rockstar

      Ah, I suddenly feel like I’m back in Ithaca, New York.

    • Blank Ron

      See, it’s things like this that illustrate how important it is to keep your Scrabble tiles in a sealed container.

    • H0mer0

      That sounds like a translation of the Baghvad Gita

  • theCryptofishist

    Okay, can anyone tell me why these nutjobs are obsessed with inflammation? Whenever I run into this stuff, it’s always rabbiting on about inflammation. Is it an actual medical concern.

    (Because obvs, all of you are doctors who keep up on the latest medical research, of course, also, too.)

    • Anarchy Pony
    • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

      Probably has a lot to do with homeopathy. The guy who came up with it thought pretty much every ailment was caused by some sort of inflammation.

    • John Smith

      They’re not doctors, but they play them on TV.

    • limberrat

      There are a multitude of different types. Internal and external inflammation do exist. Unfortunately, the homeopathy crowd likes playing on their fears.

    • berkeleyfarm

      It is an actual medical concern but the woo-woos think that lots and lots and lots of things cause it.

      • theCryptofishist

        So, just taken out of context, and made into a screen for projection.

        • berkeleyfarm

          Marketing tool, more like. And it’s held out as relief to those suffering from conditions with serious inflammatory elements (especially the aging boomer population). Some items are definitely more so than others, and well-scienced. A lot might very well be wishful thinking.

    • PUAAN

      Inflammation is an essential protective response mostly to get stuff that penetrates the skin. It helps eliminate whatever bacteria and toxins might come in with the foreign object (animal tooth, thorn, etc).

      Like many things which are important to life in the wild, inflammation in developed countries these days often causes more harm than good. Inflammation kills healthy human tissue as efficiently as it kills bacteria.

      There are a lot of conditions where inflammation goes awry. Many “autoimmune” diseases where the immune system sees its own tissue as an invader to be attacked and killed. Lupus is one example. Rheumatoid arthritis, psoriasis, type I diabetes….

  • Paperless Tiger

    The alarm pheromone emitted when a bee stings another animal smells like bananas. – Wikipedia.

    No wonder they stang her monkey ass.

    • Glock H. Palin, Esq.

      Whereas this “healing modality” smells like bullshit.

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J2kc4oZTVU I was reminded of this all of sudden

    • Anarchy Pony

      And that’s why you always leave a note…

      • the_heckler

        There’s always money in the beehive! Wink, wink!

  • harryeagar

    Wait a minute! Wakefield is a vaxxer-manque?

    Was his vaccine not going to cause autism?

    • Morrigan in Oregon

      that is what _I_ was thinking.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Dammit. This isn’t helping. Usually, Wonkette is the best and go to place when I’m frustrated. Today, it’s snowing for the fifth time in a week, it’s twenty-five degrees, and I have seven little fruit trees waiting in a box on my front porch since Wednesday and Mrs. Toomush is off on a four day sewing adventure with her sister…..maybe Netflix?…

    • John Smith

      Masturbation is a great way to blow off some… steam.

      • Ricky Gay

        use a thimble!

    • orygoon

      Maui.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Er, what? Wasn’t paying attention…

        • Toomush_Infer

          I believe ory was just suggesting respite….

      • Morrigan in Oregon

        Bandon is just fine all year round (and is bursting forth with much floribunda) sorry, Toomush

    • Hutch

      What the heck is a “four day sewing adventure?” A vacation in an exotic t-shirt sweatshop? A hunt for wild pins and needles? Tatting for love and profit?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Sewing wild oats?

      • Toomush_Infer

        dunno…they’re champeen sewers, holed up over the deli in Cadillac, sewing up a storm..

        • Hutch

          You have a wonderful night!

          • Toomush_Infer

            Don’t kick me – I’m going….

        • Msgr_Moment

          Late to the party here. What’s up with Toomush’s sewers? Too much runoff from the melting snow?

    • limberrat

      I don’t mean to brag, but I am in fact evil and like kicking people when they are down.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmkSUq_yDHI

  • bozilingus

    These are the bees we want…

  • JVB

    Ol Paltrow’s mother is Blythe Danner. Who seems to me not to be a complete lunatic like her daughter…

  • There’s a new place in town that features isolation tanks that help you relax. Now, I’ve heard that floating around in a mini-pool of salt water is a relaxing thing, but it can also lead to Altered States…and that kind of thing can make William Hurt.

    ….But anyway, the name of this place is called “Float Harder” Float Harder? When I want to relax, harder may not be the adverb I’m look for.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I’ve got it: “Flush the floaters”. “Flush” as in flush out all the negative karma. “Floaters” as in You.

      • M..m.me?

      • Land Shark

        How about just “Flush Floaters”? Flush with cash they’er willing to part with …. ?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      We used to have a tanning salon with a couple of isolation tanks. I got a one hour gift certificate as a Christmas present. After an hour in that thing, I came out and asked, “How much do those tanks cost?”

      I felt fantastic.

    • hamletta

      It looks rather like a Robin Reliant.

  • Major_Major_Major

    The Cure to aging…. https://youtu.be/7KYS6xeoBnc

  • limberrat

    Well, now wait for the Gwinnie followers who are allergic to bees to find out they are allergic.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Beeing John Malcovich Gwyneth Paltrow’s Face.

    • Wee Mousie

      Bad enough that fungicides are causing bee’s colonies to collapse all over North America, but now those that survive have to be sacrificed to the pseudo restoration of has-been Hollywood glamour pusses.

  • OneDemin EOr

    The naturopath community has come a long way from merely ripping off worker’s comp and motor vehicle accident insurance. Because of tighter regulations, they’ve now gone for the anti-aging and health-nut crowd.
    No more overly-regulated supplements! No pesky claimspeople, no documentation, no indecipherable chart notes.
    No wonder these folks have mansions.

    • Toomush_Infer

      flitting around like bees…

    • King of America

      stings like this make me break out in hives.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I missed the boat in life. Being basically honest and working hard is for suckers. Religious/health grifting is the way to go.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Yeah, having a conscience is a bitch sometimes.

      • Land Shark

        morals and ethics also too.

    • HazooToo

      And that, dear children, is how Scientology was born!

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Can we start a competeing woo/religion called Alchyology? It sounds so legit.

  • natoslug

    I’m looking for investors in, and patrons of, my Holistic Fire Ant Health Clinic. We offer full immersion therapy, where your naked, honey-coated body is lovingly lowered into a mound of fire ants, and through a thoroughly natural process, they willingly bathe you in formic acid and inject healing alkaloids into your skin, resulting in increased bloodflow and many other health benefits. Yes, some people may experience some minor discomfort, but that just shows how much harder it is working.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      No pain, no gain. It’s Natural!!!

    • nmmagyar

      Do you use hemp ropes? Anything synthetic would be a deal breaker for me

      • natoslug

        A mixture of hemp and humanely-harvested orangutan hair.

    • kaw143

      Are the ants free-range? Because otherwise, you are basically running an ant slavery farm?

      • Hutch

        Have you ever encountered a fire ant? The whole Rachel Carson “Silent Spring” thing had a lot to do with overwhelming DDT spraying to get rid of fire ants. And having only met them when I was in my fifties, I have to say, I kind of get it.

        They are horrible. True demons of hell. You can’t walk barefoot anywhere and even flipflops don’t help. I accidentally parked one of my dogs on a small nest while walking, and it went into shock. I had to drive my brother-in-law to the ER because he was helping in my yard and was bit. Ant slavery?!? I use a product called, “Surrender” that sports a white flag to kill these horrors. God knows what’s in it and I don’t care.

        Sorry. Crazy ranting, I know. I just HATE fire ants.

        • kaw143

          I did, actually, wander into a fire ant mound when I was younger. It was quite horrible, and I understand they weren’t the for reals super terrible ones.

          That comment was my second choice. What I actually wanted to post was a clip of the fire ant attack from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with “ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER!” but Paramount are Nazis (probably) and have the temerity to protect their copywrites, LIKE NAZIS.

          • Hutch

            Brrr! You poor thing. I hope you weren’t scarred for life! And, yes, Paramount can be the anti-christ!

      • natoslug

        They’re cage-free and organic, but not necessarily free-range. My fucking NIMBY neighbors bitched too much when I tried free-range.

    • King of America

      ah yes, Fire Ant Relaxation Therapy.

      • limberrat

        Ah, to FART. I just love my FART.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Fathers against rude television?

    • Biff52

      Jesus fuck, I’ma go bathe in Amdro now…

    • The Witch of Endor

      Oh this is so much better than wasps!

  • King of America

    “Naturally there’s no validity to any of the apitherapists’ claims”

    I guess you could say they are … in bee-nial.

    … I’ll show myself out.

    • Anarchy Pony

    • Ricky Gay

      good delivery! (I would have bumbled it)

      • Morrigan in Oregon

        I would have made a direct line to it and danced around a bit when I got back.

    • Shibusa

      It’s okay, honey, we forgive you.

      • jmk

        As long as he doesn’t drone on about it.

  • bluicebank

    “I just heard of a service called a sound bath, which might be too hippie-ish even for the likes of me.”

    Why do some people assign to hippies such bullshit?

    A hippie bath involves candles, incense and a doob. Maybe some epsom salts and lavender essential oil. Could be some ELP or Quicksilver Messenger Service in the background.

    • Biff52

      To hear the right-wingers go on, you’d think hippies don’t even bathe!

      • Skadi

        As somebody who’s spent a lot of time at festivals, I will admit that it’s sometimes easier not to shower than to stand in freezing cold water because the hot water at the state park runs out after ten seconds…

        • Biff52

          That’s one of the reasons I quit going to Strawberry. I already live out in the sticks, so the camping experience didn’t do it for me like it did so many others. To me, it was 5,000 city folks crammed into a wilderness-adjacent forest with sub standard facilities. I guess not bathing for them was part of the Strawberry Way®

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        They do?

      • Rasilom

        How do you hide money from a hippie?…… Put it under the soap!! I’ll showing myself out now…

    • Morrigan in Oregon

      ooh! have another hit! of Fresh Air! (sweet California Sunshine)

    • Land Shark

      I thought a hippie bath included another hippie of the preferred sexual orientation ….

      • bluicebank

        Sure, if you have a big sunken Roman tub. Otherwise, your special friend has to wait, and turn over the vinyl for the B side.

        • 451 Byrnes

          Upfist for vinyl.

          • Land Shark

            Of course it’s vinyl …. did they have iPods at Woodstock? Huh? Did they?

            I think not.

          • tinywriting

            Well, but could they say “sent from my vinyl”? I think not.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I hate that line. Do they not know they are allowing their phone to advertise every time they send something? Endless advertisement. looky me, all so special, iphone yeah!
            I like to return “Sent from my brain” just for the inevitable “wha?” that follows.

          • tinywriting

            “Sent from my ‘wherevers'”

          • tinywriting

            Oh, ‘brains’ are so 19th century.

    • Major_Major_Major

      I always thought a hippie bath was an oxymoron. Either that, or like an Italian shower but with patchouli instead of Drakkar.

      Edit: as an old school skate punk, I had no room to talk throughout the 90’s.

    • La Cieca

      The weird thing is that at least as described, the sound bath seems pretty innocuous: you lie down and the practitioner plays gongs and tuning forks and bowls and stuff and you listen and relax. I actually could see how you might enjoy that and even come out of it a little more relaxed. I mean, as opposed to having somebody sting you with bees.

  • I think Gwenyth Paltrow mainly pisses me off because she doesn’t have any *actual* ailments. She’s spending thousands of dollars on bullshit treatments for no-actual-issue, and then asking people to emulate her.

    I have cerebral palsy and HIV, and I’ve someone managed to survive and work 40 hours a week just fine with modern medicine; and amazingly, I’ve never been to a naturopath or had “apitherapy.”

    • Courser

      You completely rock! I really admire your fortitude.

      I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for you, or anyone with serious, chronic health issues to hear about this stuff.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Instead of anti-vaxers advocating for children and adults with mental health conditions, helping their children become active participants in their community and live fulfilling lives, they spend every waking minute looking for something to blame for this burden that has been place upon them. As if being a child living with autism isn’t enough of a challenge they have awful, self-centered, stupid assholes for parents.

    • The Witch of Endor

      Well, why actually do something when there might be deep pockets to sue?

      • Land Shark

        If the funding used to pay the attorneys was put towards adult autism programs and early intervention (< 3 years old,) the parents of children on the autism spectrum would be much better off. There are many causes for the development of autism spectrum disorders, but so far the research hasn’t pinpointed any single one. They may never be able to.

        Perhaps the parents should sue Wakefield for his ill gotten gains. I would prefer something with sharp, pointy, long shafted votes and body parts.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      My sister, who has two boys on the spectrum (one none verbal, the other high functioning) hates these people with a passion of 100 suns just for that very reason.

      • Playonwords

        + 1 for your sister

  • Ilgattomorte

    Well LaVolpe, there you go again. Just because something is natural that doesn’t mean it can’t be a miracle cure. I bet you believe that bread mold can’t be used to cure the clap. I’ll have you know that bee stings are a miracle. They can be used to cure everything from Arthritis, to MS, to unwanted house guests.

    In fact, we have used them extensively as a cure for impotence. Just two or three stings and that poor, limp, little Willie swells right up into a majestic, giant Johnson. Your partner will be so pleased and impressed with your hammer of love that you’ll want to keep a couple of the little fellows in your shorts at all times, for when that moment occurs. I mean, why wait? Just jam a bee-butt into your member and just watch the magic happen.

    Unlike those horrible drugs, there is no need to call a doctor for erections lasting more than four hours. We recommend using a little, all natural rhino’s horn. Just insert one deep into the rectum and watch that erection will drop in an explosive fashion. We have, however, found that some of our clients have become overly attached to the rhino’s horn. So, for a rhino’s horn that’s been up in your rectum for more than four hours …

    • Wee Mousie

      I’ve always been able to run fast enough to keep rhinoceros horns out of my ass, but I do want to add my endorsement to the use of bees, wasps, and hornets as a deterrent for unwanted house guests. Just lob a nest of the pests through an open window, and the house guests will move out in under five minutes.

    • Anarchy Pony

      “to unwanted house guests.”
      *Snort*

  • Sardonicuss

    Okay. O.T…..but .is this giant bunny is about to eat me?

    • Anarchy Pony

      There’s worse ways to go.

      • Sardonicuss

        His arms are pulled back…apparently he is really pissed.
        …and now the wind and rain is hitting. No joke.

        • Sardonicuss

          Well, it was nice knowing you wonkerteers.
          The giant bunny tornado is about to take me to OZ. If they have a wifi hotspot, I will let you know how things are.
          At least I will be spared the Cruz regime..so long suckers!

          • limberrat

            Is it the rabbit of Caerbannog? I see its pointy teeth.

          • Sardonicuss

            This rabbit is dynamite!

          • Anarchy Pony

            Do you have the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?

          • Sardonicuss

            one, two…seven…i mean five!

          • Anarchy Pony
          • Wee Mousie

            If you ever had anything to do with the care and feeding of bunny rabbits, you would know that there is no such thing as the Bunny Illuminati … Bunny Illogati, perhaps … but no Bunny Illuminati.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Eh…What’s up, Doc?…

    • Shibusa

      Tell us more. We’re all ears.

      • Sardonicuss

        Well, after further review, notice the quatal on the bunny’s chest…many will be consumed by that.
        Or the fierce look of vengeance in his eyes, this is no normal meteorological rodent.
        Death ..! All those who ignore this cute furry portent of apocalypse!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      You see a bunny on that blot test? I see a TruBamNeito captained pirate ship, where upon the rolling deck three shirtless comely fellows in three distinct shades await mine pleasure.

      • Sardonicuss

        Well, oddly enough..as I dude…to me, it just looks like an attacking bunny. But yours seems ..nice

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          It is really, really, very nice. I wish I could write, and specifically, write erotic fan fic, so I could write me a story of the three, but I will have to wait patiently until someone else does (probably working on it as we speak, how can this not be a best seller?)

          btw, I’d be cool with a viking ship, Lincoln town car, or the Enterprise. Vessel is not the important bit.

          Edit: I finally embiggened the pic and now I see the killer rabbit XD Damn in one way, but hahahahahahaha in another

  • The Witch of Endor

    I stopped reading to comment on that vapid waste of air Paltrow. Please, next time use wasps. They’re not dying out, they can sting you multiple times (I’d vote for that), and they’re about 3 times as painful.

    ETA: I actually called her something else but it was too over the top to let stay.

    • Courser

      I know it’s kinda dumb, but yeah, you’re kinda eviscerating a bee on a lark. And I just can’t find that any kind of ‘cool’ or ’empowered’ or whatever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not *really* that big of a bleeding heart, but killing something, even a bee, which is a very helpful insect, for a stupid, selfish reason is well, mean.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Don’t gotta be a bleeding heart to think bee killing is stupid. We’re losing our pollinators, and gathering them up for rich people to sting themselves pretty is a fucking waste of a very precious and diminishing resource.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    I use Aviatherapy. It’s a thousands-years old practice where you occasionally get shit on by a flying bird. I’ve used it my whole life and my taller friends say the top of my head has never looked better !

    • Gary Charound

      Specifically, the foo bird, right?

      • Gary Charound

        Nobody? All right, I’ll say it: if the foo shits, wear it.

  • Kavefish

    “I haven’t done cryotherapy yet, but I do want to try that.”

    You’re welcome to take a head-long plunge, Gwyn…

  • FelineMama

    Heard gwennie was giving up the “moving makin’ industry to “devout” her expertise, HA,HA, to helping people to you know helping ’em………….

  • Msmlg1979

    I think people often search for any answer, realistic or not, true, or not, to make sense of the question that almost never has an answer in this life: Why?

    Why did my Dad not love me? Why did my younger sister get cancer? Why did a person I trusted and cared for lie and treat me badly? Why does my child have autism?

    Some whys have no why. Things just are as they are. Some whys are never ascertained because we can’t know the mind and heart of another person. Asking yourself “why” constantly is fruitless. I have to tell myself that the “why” of most things doesn’t matter, because I will probaby never satisfy that wondering. The question that matters is “where do I go from here”?

    • Gary Charound

      Why?

      • Msmlg1979

        Are you such a rotted mess? I don’t know! ;)

    • Major_Major_Major

      To borrow from Cormac McCarthy. “you fix what you can fix and you let the rest go. If there ain’t nothin to be done about it it aint even a problem. It’s just a aggravation.”

      • Msmlg1979

        It’s true. Why holds you in the past. Grieve it, then go on.

        • Juan de Fuca

          There’s a favorite song of mine that basically says the same thing. Somewhat. Or not at all. Depends on the person and what they’re reflecting upon. Songs mean different things to different people also, too.

          https://youtu.be/lEdwRRK-Hy4

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        “Whaddayagonnado?” -Tony Soprano

    • I always end up at, “why not?”.

      Well said Msmlg.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I actually disagree with this and I am shocked, SHOCKED because I stalk you like a puppy looking for crumbs.
      But mostly, I find the why the most important thing we can discover. When we ask ourselves why and we understand said why, we take another step closer to enlightenment.
      The end bit I quite agree with though, and is often the part that the why seekers keep forgetting about.

      • Hemp Dogbane

        I had to learn to ask “why am I tolerating this?” After a lot of that, there is now a sane person lying on top of me most Sunday mornings. And this morning she brought me coffee and Nutella crepes. (Results may vary.)

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I just like to think of why things come to pass, mostly. Everything is connected, in a non-woo sort of way, in that a leads to b which leads to c and later on down the line x happens. The infinite complexity of the human condition in all its aspects, from smaller scale personal motivations to gigantic historical events, makes me very happy.
          But probably weird to talk to because I will bounce all around topics as my brain sees yet another connection and runs to it full steam before finishing the previous one. I am going to be an awesome crazy cat lady :D

          Edit: Also, what, no waffles with that nutella?

          • Hemp Dogbane

            I agree about thinking, questioning and all the connectedness. For a long time I thought I could think my way into more successful relationships. Raising my standards accomplished more than all the thinking I’d ever done.
            However, I’m having to walk all the way downstairs to get waffles, which are the best in the whole world.

      • Major_Major_Major

        The problem is when the quest for why supercedes everything. While cause leads to effect, letting yourself be consumed with understanding the cause prevents you from dealing with the effect. And sometimes, the cause doesn’t make a bit of sense. Yesterday was important, but today and tomorrow are what we can have an effect on. (I still love you, Jen, just disagree on this).

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME IF WE DISAGREE???? ~sob~

          Actually, I think we agree on that point. As I said, the where do we go from here bit is the oft overlooked part of the process ^.^

          Though, being honest, my favorite causes are the ones that do not make sense. Then you can armchair for hours turning something over, coming up with all manners of plausible and even probable reasons.

      • Msmlg1979

        I have a stalker?! Awesome! Asking yourself why is an entirely different thing than asking it of things outside yourself. ;)

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Oh, well. Then I do not disagree with you and all is right with the world :D
          And totally, you are awesomeness even without being on a stick or deep fried.

          • Msmlg1979

            And all is right with the world again! ;) Thank you, and right back at you. You don’t know how much I needed some kind words today.

    • Vecciojohn LLC
  • Wee Mousie

    Robert Cummings was one of the first celebrities to publicly admit use and recommend ingesting large amounts of Royal Jelly. This was back in the fifties, when he still looked like he did in the forties when he stared in “Saboteur.” Bob failed to mention winning any genetic pool then, as does Gweyneth today.

    In the fifties, dining on the food of the Queen Bee was considered quite far out enough, but these days one must adulterate one’s body chemistry with bee toxin, or withhold modern vaccines from one’s children be on the cutting edge of dumb quackery.

    Also, too, there is a genetic prize to be won here, if you are disposed to be allergic to bee stings. The anaphylactic shock just might insure that you never grow a single day older. Won’t your friends be jealous of you then!

    • La Cieca

      Are you sure he didn’t say “royal jelly” in quotes? Back then people used all sort of funny names for semen.

      • Wee Mousie

        Nope. He was actually involved in the pushing of capsules, purportedly filled with Royal Jelly, in 100 capsule bottles at around $25 a bottle.

        It might have been cum, but if so, it was bee cum.

        • Kavefish

          “What Bee Cums On Of Her”

          • Msgr_Moment

            BEEKAKEGHAZI!!

          • Wee Mousie

            Bee Hive yourself.

    • Roald Dahl wrote a creepy little story called “Royal Jelly”. It’s all about a beekeeper who feeds it to his sickly baby…

    • Playonwords

      If anyone wants to see the actual results of copious royal jelly ingestion please check this Google search for Barbara Cartland

      • Wee Mousie

        She looks a lot like a Queen Bee, does she lay 2000 eggs a day?

  • Pinkham’s Law

    No recipes for a couple weeks. No self-respecting Mommyblog can go without recipes, and in the Socialist spirit of sharing, here’s one from me.

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    Today, we’re going to make a veggie dish: CAULIFLOWER.

    Stop that. Yes you – I saw that eyeroll! And you – quit making gagging noises! You ARE going to make it, you ARE going to eat it, and you ARE going to like it. No, really. You’ll actually like it, unless you, like, hate good food. And it’s simple!

    We’re making Roasted Cauliflower With 16 Cloves of Garlic.

    WHAT YOU NEED:

    1 large head of Cauliflower (duh)
    16 Cloves of Garlic (also too, duh)
    1-2 teaspoon minced Rosemary (Whoawhoawhoa! Careful with that axe, Eugene!! The spice, not your neighbor!)
    1 teaspoon salt
    1/4-1/2 teaspoon black pepper.
    1/4 cup or so of Olive Oil
    Optional, but highly recommended:
    1/3 cup of freshly grated parmesan, romano or asiago cheese

    various knives, cutting boards, bowls and other assorted Implements of Destruction © Arlo Guthrie
    9 X 13 baking dish

    An Oven (duh!)

    WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT YOU NEED:

    Preheat the oven to 450 degrees. And, before you ask, Fahrenheit. It’s an oven, not a kiln.
    Cut the cauliflower into florets – put them in a big bowl
    Peel the garlic & crush/mince coarsly. Or finely. Whatever, I don’t really give a shit.
    Mix the Olive Oil, rosemary, salt, pepper and garlic. In one of the bowls. of course! Did you REALLY need to ask? *hangs head in frustration. sighs* Yes, you can do this in the measuring cup, smartass.
    Pour the oil & stuff onto the cauliflower and toss to coat.
    Empty the bowl into the baking dish.
    Put the baking dish in the oven and bake for 30 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes.
    When you plate it, sprinkle with the cheese.
    Put it in the mouth part of your face. Make surprised noises of appreciation because it’s way better than that bland, boiled shit you thought of when I first mentioned cauliflower.

    While it’s baking, have a glass or two of wine while you prepare your salad, or steak or whatever else you’re having.

    • Juan de Fuca

      I WSWYDT

      • Pinkham’s Law

        How many did you see?

        • Juan de Fuca

          Too many to point out. lol Well played sir.

          • kaw143

            Lots of annotations needed with that one, definitely.

    • Courser

      Nice! I’ll definitely try that! Thanks!

    • cynmac

      Roasted brussel sprouts will make your mouth happy, also too .

      • kaw143

        And they will enhance the musical abilities of other parts, also, too.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Ok, I substituted black eyed peas for couliflower and I used crushed ginger instead of garlic and I didn’t have freshly grated parm, roman or asiago, so I used canned clams.
      This recipe sucks, Pinky.

      • Major_Major_Major

        I find that hard to believe., canned clams make everything _______.

        • kaw143

          Unless that last word is supposed to be “dead”, YOU ARE A MONSTER!

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Use anchovies next time in place of the clams.

    • JohnR

      I just ate a half pan of brownies instead.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        …were they special brownies?

        • kaw143

          ALL BROWNIES ARE SPECIAL, in their own way.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            True that! I really want some brownies now.
            I shall tell you of the time I made special brownies, it was a fun time: So this guy tossed some seed into a backdirt pile, and months later we harvested Ms. Tree. Because it was a tree you could see on the arials by then. I got a good gallon sized zip bag of it, so decided, let us make brownies.
            I made said brownies (doing the butter trick because I am not a fan of green bits in my brownies) and did not quite get that you should not eat a cake slice worth of it, so, I did just that, and I think I could not stand up for about 3 days.

          • kaw143

            My wife claims to have a recipe for Alice B. Toklas brownies that we can’t make because we can’t afford that much grass. But not because we’d be prohibited from buying it. That sort of thing is legal, here, now. But not even for sweet novelty (and oblivion) are we going to let bills slide.

            …You know, being an adult fucking sucks, sometimes.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            You need to get yourself a backdirt pile, and have someone toss some seeds over their shoulder into it. Then leave it alone for months because you have no reason to glance over that side of the pile.
            Bags full, man, there were 20 of us on that crew and I got a gallon sized bag of it (well, 22, but 2 were straights and did not imbibe).

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Most perfect not-allowed comment that has ever been.

          • cousin itt

            I’m laughing my ASS off but then, I’m as high as Jen, too also, because Colorado. I have no doubt her last name is Baker.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I will tell you my husband’s peyote story from Colorado or near enough. His friend took him to friend’s mom house where she made buttons, and she graciously gave the hoodlums 5 each. I think it was 5, could be mixing this with his mushroom story.
            My hubby, who is not First Nations and never experienced peyote before, took all of his at the same time is the point. He claims he walked for 5 days after and slept the following week straight. When he woke up he was in Arizona.

            that’s about all I got for illicit funny stuff, everything else is just boring.

          • Jonny On Maui

            “Dowded” That’s the term we need to promote. I imagine most stoners have tried the edible route and ended up there at least once. Mine was long ago with a cup of brick pot flour added to a box of mix. Me and my brother split the pan and went to school. By noon my eyes were red from my forehead to my nostrils. I was told I crawled home.

            And on that note I made a strong tincture from some friends trimmings. Tomorrow it’ll get turned into candies of unknown dosage. Once more into the breach…

          • SayItWithWookies

            The first time I made brownies I was so anticipating a wonderful experience — and nothing. After 45 minutes I had another one, and still no effect. The next day I had one, waited again, and had another with no discernible result whatsoever.

            The third day — disappointed but not completely discouraged — I had another one — and three hours later was finally able to move my head from where it had been leaning against the wall, staring at my computer’s screen saver. So for some reason it took a while to start working, but once it did — mmmm.

        • JohnR

          Special in that they were from scratch no cannabis though, you only eat one of those at a time.

      • btwbfdimho

        Me, intoxicated with these Maple Leaf cookies. They are like Canadian Oreo Cookies, but, of course 10x better.
        http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y-PeFabVm7g/TrtN-hVOpkI/AAAAAAAAAR4/ng0FTwJ8zbE/s1600/maple%2Bcookies.JPG

        • jmk

          Oh man…these wink at me and call my name from the shelves above the frozen food at Trader Joes, but so far, I have resisted because even I couldn’t justify buying these AND those pistacho cookies that come in the big tub.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Whaaaaa!?!?!?!?!
          Those. Are. Going. With. Me. On. A. Hike!
          Why. Did. I. Choose. To. Write. Like. This?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        B A S T A R D !!!!

    • Zyxomma

      Yum. I love roasted cauliflower and make it pretty often. However, 450 degrees F. is too high for olive oil. I’ll make this with avocado oil, and finish it with a drizzle of EVOO. Yum, again.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Could use a dash more abuse, but other than that 9.8 outta 10 cuz no one walks on water.

      When I make this, and I will, I will listen to Pink Floyd in your honor…

    • Barley_Brains

      I didn’t have any cauliflower so I used popcorn. I was out of garlic so I used dill pickles. I thought Rosemary would be too bitter so I substituted used coffee grounds. Olive oil is too expensive. I used Jergens lotion. Since my oven was broken, I put it all in a plastic grocery bag and set it in the sun for the afternoon.

      I have been shitting my brains out all evening. Your recipe is bad.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      The mouth part of my face would like this recipe a lot.

    • pstockholm

      30 minutes, what’s that in metric?

      • Jonny On Maui

        half a shitton…

      • Lily412

        45 kilominutes

  • Vegan and Tiara

    “Not once did she mention genetics and only once did she mention her multi-person professional makeup team. What an everywoman.”
    Most celebrities don’t mention the copious quantities of Botox they use, either. Nicole Kidman doesn’t have a wrinkle on her face because she’s been using Botox for so long.

  • Bad Granny

    My grandpa, on whose farm I lived until about second grade, kept bees. Back in those days, shoes were a torture saved for church. I feel like my feet should be more attractive than they are.

    • Barley_Brains

      My bare foot stepping on a bee collecting clover pollen is just another day in my southern childhood.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Features in my New England childhood as well. Every time I see a patch of clover, I still look for the bees.

  • Jenny

    Speaking of woo. My son asked to watch Revenge of the Sith. While he has seen the prequels before he hasn’t “seen” them. This time he’s sitting and watching. Within the first 10 minutes he exclaims, what is this?! Why are the scenes so boring????

    Yes, we would all like to know that son. >_<

    • Anarchy Pony

      What the hell are you talking about? What prequels? There are no prequels…

      • limberrat

        Its called Rogue One – we’ll leave it at that.

      • Shibusa

        These aren’t the prequels you’re looking for.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Wasn’t Revenge of the Sith the more exciting of those three?
      I didn’t actually…hate them. I just accepted them for what they were and the story line itself was what was important; the motivations of Ani moving onto Darth, etc. The actual film part I ignore merrily.

      • Anarchy Pony

        I don’t mind the overall plot and themes, but the movies are just bad, the acting, dialogue and direction particularly.

        • kaw143

          Eeep. I should just keep my mouth shut.

          How about this? I’ll keep my mouth shut and we can still be friends?

    • limberrat

      Bu, Bu Bu…that’s the best of the prequels!!!!

      Seriously though, Lucas really screwed those up. I’ll never forgive him for that and “reimagining” the clone wars into a TV show/movie when the Tartakovsky one was perfect (ok I am still bitter).

      • Jenny

        The original clone wars was brilliant but I have plenty of good memories made with the CGI clone wars. My kiddos were tiny toddlers when it first aired, and it was a big deal to curl up with Mommy and Daddy to watch the show on Friday night. Plus they liked Asoka. Now she’s in several episodes of star wars rebels and my son digs the interconnection.

        • limberrat

          I hated the CGI movie and it really made me dislike Asoka. I however really like her in Rebels and my preschooler seems to really like her as well so I am mixed whether or not to actually watch the clone wars series.

          • Jenny

            The movie was meh, but it really built up Anakin, which made his fall seems
            easier to swallow. This is one of the darker scenes, plus plenty of little touching moments throughout the series with Padme.

            https://youtu.be/jC6F-Yf0dzo

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      There’s hope yet!

  • Be Gin

    That Gwyneth Paltrow is no Scarlett Johansen and no amount of bee venom, cabbage root, sweat lodging, drum circling or fart sniffing will ever change that inescapable fact.

  • Be Gin

    Has Sarah Palin seen the picture of Andrew Wakefield’s crib yet?

    You better believe she will just die from grift envy.

  • Apple Scruff

    I thought Paltrow was a vegan. Because if she is, then she’s a total hypocrite if she’s really doing bee therapy.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I hope she’s not a vegan — vegans have it hard enough without a fruitcake like Gwyneth fucking up their reputation even more.

      • kaw143

        If she is, I don’t know about it. Then again, I don’t know much more about Gwyneth Paltrow that I don’t read about here. Previously, I knew her for her best role of Someone Whose Head Was About To Wind Up In A Box and she did a very good job with that.

        • Apple Scruff

          I’m sure she was at one point. But it’s possible it lasted like, a minute. She does these things to be “trendy”and she’s tried them all — raw diet, macrobiotic, etc. (I can’t believe I know this stuff, btw).

      • NoGoodnik

        I hear Bill is a vegan, though.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It’s nice to know that Gwyneth’s acting isn’t the only substance-free aspect of her nature. I get the impression she’ll take anything that has “therapy” or “detox” in the description, and whether it’s for a particular condition is secondary, if considered at all. “I just had the most marvelous bee-sting therapy — I feel a thousand times better.”
    “Oh — what did you have that you needed treated with bee stings?”
    “I didn’t have anything — I just said it was marvelous therapy.”
    That’s how I see that conversation going down. And really, who wouldn’t feel better after the bee stings stop?

  • WhyFelicia

    “When they popped out their babies, a medical degree did not come attached to the placenta.”
    Weirdly, there was one attached to my placenta. Had someone else’s name on it, though.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    Bee sting therapy isn’t exactly news to me. After Carly ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground, my mother ended up working landscape maintenance just to get by. One of her regulars was a couple who raised bees, and the husband would regularly get himself stung on the back of his neck. His argument was that the stings relieved tension in his neck muscles, which makes sense in a weird way. This couple’s honey was fantastic, though.

    • witsended

      The weird can strike anyone, my father who was very down to earth and practical had one quirky belief, for years he used WD40 as a relief for aches and pains. He swore by it, as a spray on wonder cure.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        I’ve heard of folks using turpentine as a cure-all too. While WD-40 and Turpentine don’t make sense, I can buy the muscle relaxant aspect of the bee stings in the capacity that they do mildly paralyze tissue as well as cause a warming capillary response. On the other hand, it could all just be wrapped up as weird power of suggestion folk remedies.

        • Jonny On Maui

          It’s late and I’m too lazy to look it up but somebody here has to know what kind of toxin is in bee sting. Is it neuro, hemo? What does the toxic attack biologically?

          just as long as we avoid ‘why’ right? ;)

          • eddi

            Wiki the name for a detailed chemical list. Apis means “bee” FYI.

            “Apitoxin, or honey bee venom, is a bitter colourless liquid; its active portion a mixture of proteins, which causes local inflammation and acts as an anticoagulant. A honeybee can inject 0.1 mg of venom via its stinger. It may have similarities to sea nettle toxin.[1]”

          • Jonny On Maui

            This is why I should never do Wonkette before bed. Now I’ve got a mind bee trying to link anticoagulant with muscle relaxant.

            ‘Why does this seem to work for some people?”
            “Because. Now walk away.”
            “Yeah, right like that’s gonna happen…”

        • eddi

          Turpentine has been used as a cure-all, external and internal, since humans learn to distill pine sap. WD-40 is simply a modern equivalent. Both contain volatile substances the evaporate quickly creating a cooling sensation. Alcohol will do just as well. And the right alcohol administered internally will relax you a lot better than a bee sting.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I have to sing the praises of alcohol too. Pure grain 190 proof makes some of the finest tinctures. Couch lock inna drop.

          • Toomush_Infer

            It’s my legs, you see – they’ve lost their string….(too vague?)

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            WD-40 and my Zippo are my favorite cure-all for Black Widow spiders.

      • SnarkOff

        And now he’s dead. Hmm.

      • proudgrampa

        Windex fixes cold sores and zits, according to My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

      • Toomush_Infer

        WD40 works great on old guitar strings!…

    • Alex Grey

      Like this?

  • Juanitasjoseph3

    “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr.”….!oa627utwo days ago new Silver McLaren P2 bought after earning 18,512 Dollars,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k Dollars Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a day ..with. extra open doors &. weekly. paychecks… it’s realy the simplest. work. I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. 87 Dollars, p/h.Learn. More right Here!oa627➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsTechGetPaidHourly98$…. .❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦:❖❖:❦❦::::::!oa627u……

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        More like “Cheeseburger, Cheezeburger, Chee$$eburger, McLarenburger.”

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          One pepsi, two chip!

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            No Pepsi, got McLaren.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            My brother Mike, his room mate Lori work in back.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            “….!oa627u

          • ahughes798

            No pepsi, Coke. No chip no chip. I’ll have the McLaren, please.

        • SnarkOff

          That’ll be 18,512 Dollars, please.

      • Toomush_Infer

        I’ll have an Ambuergere….Umbaghere?….

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          I think he’s saying he’s got a hand grenade!

      • FelineMama

        PEPSI!!!

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          No coke, Pepsi!

    • Alex Grey

      DIAF, with votes…

  • cousin itt

    It’s all Beelzebub’s fault.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      At least, that’s the buzz I’ve been hearing.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      We planted Beelzebulbs last fall, and they are coming up beautifully this spring.

  • NoGoodnik

    I came up in a hippy-dippy Austin in the late 70’s and early 80’s. I’ve “cleansed” and fasted and tuned into the energies and harmonics and chakras and dream journeys and shamanism. And, all that stuff. I realized pretty quick that there was little to no science or knowledge behind it. But, fasting and cleansing and shamanistic journeys and dream analysis and sweat lodges are all just entertaining as hell. I don’t know what good they did for health or anything else, but entertainment value was high.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Unfortunately with alternative medicine types, we get the same reaction from the Christianists when science gets mentioned: “your science can’t measure the spiritual” “How can you disprove the divine?” “Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.”

      • Alex Grey

        “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence” –Marcello Truzzi

        • AntiDerpomeme

          I’ve been reading too many downstream comments, since I first read that as “extraordinary clams.” They’d best not be canned, AG!

          • Alex Grey

            I only eat fried extraordinary clams….

          • Msgr_Moment

            When you gonna buy me a Canned Clam?
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZoVY6oi5yo

          • Alex Grey
          • AntiDerpomeme

            Great. Now I’m going to be singing this all day.

            “Put it in a skillet, ’till it’s nice and brown…”

          • Alex Grey

            Let me help you with that, listen to this instead…
            https://youtu.be/t6OS_ItMGpc

          • Alex Grey

            And if that doesn’t work listen to David Bowie’s song routine “Magic Dance” from Labyrinth…

          • JustDon’tSayDittos

            Oh FFS, let’s not go there!

      • NoGoodnik

        Anti-Vaxxers aren’t entertaining.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          What, bringing back previously beaten diseases which left children disfigured, disabled or dead is not entertaining for you?

          • NoGoodnik

            Yeah, I guess I’m funny that way. However, having fasted for ten days and the crazy things your thoughts and body do to you is quite entertaining as well as having done one of the “cleanse” things where you rid yourself of intestinal “plaque” (which doesn’t exist) is also quite entertaining. The things that will come out of you! The best one was passing my gall bladder stones. Man, that was amazing. I’m even thinking of doing it again; it was that much fun!

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Viva el Armadillo WHQ!

      • NoGoodnik

        The old Armadillo led to several circumstances that could only be fixed by the Master Cleanser.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          You probably remember the Split Rail as well. I went to UT in the early 70s.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Nothin’ wrong with a good sweat – when all those Europeans arrived on the Eastern shore a few centuries ago, the natives were appalled at the way they stank and continued to stink from “no-bathing” rules….

      • NoGoodnik

        I loved doing sweat lodges. I would do one again in a second. Again, if for nothing else just the entertainment value. Let’s face it, life is much more interesting when you see the hand of God active in your life, when mere coincidence and random occurrence are pregnant with symbolism and meaning, when the mere pedestrian become transcendent events.

        • Toomush_Infer

          And after Einstein and Schrodinger and Heisenberg, who’s to say that science hasn’t passed into the realm of personal magic?

          • NoGoodnik

            I use to rely on Heisenberg when preparing for tests in university. It was entertaining, but my profs weren’t amused.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The answer isn’t wrong until it’s graded?

          • NoGoodnik

            And as a high school teacher, I take the Schrodinger approach to grading.

  • Alex Grey

    A very silly and meaningless limerick:
    Trump is a grump,
    He yells from his stump,
    The rest of us laugh,
    As he makes gaffe after gaffe,
    In the end he’ll fall on his rump!

    • Dr. Krieger IRL
      • Alex Grey

        Colbert is funny on so many levels!

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          I know! I love that I can just binge on clip after clip of his shows on Youtube.

          • Alex Grey

            He really should run for office, it’s not a ridiculous idea, Al Franken did it…

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            I’d vote for him!

          • Alex Grey

            I would too, but Oregon already has two Dem Senators that everyone ignores….

          • Alex Grey

            That clip was hilarious!

          • Toomush_Infer

            WHY????????????………

          • Alex Grey

            The humor value.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Now we get that every night….

          • Sakonyachen

            He did. And he polled better than some of the “serious” candidates. I’m not even sure he registered. So maybe he technically didn’t run. But it was still hilarious.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Didn’t he promise that department to Sarah Palin?

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          She’d rename it to D.E.P.D:
          Department of the
          Enviornment
          Perjection
          Doncha Know.

          • NorthStarSpanx

            You spelled G.R.I.F.T wrong.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Bee the change you want to see in your face!

  • SnarkOff

    I’d try apitherapy, but I hear it stings.

  • Playonwords

    O/T
    Ignored event that should be on the calendar: The Dinah – report from Stuff

    Damn Yanquis – Cuba runs low on beer due to increased tourism, report from Stuff

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Not the beer!

  • Antimassacree

    Perhaps a bit of all natural lignin percussive therapy on dear Gwyneth to finally extract that silver spoon from her mouth that has caused her such trouble since birth.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    So this is where all the bees have gone

  • YourNameHere

    Yes, Paltrow, please keep ruining Iron Man for me. Why doesn’t she go the hell away? She’s the most hated celebrity alive and Mel Gibson is still alive.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Ouch!

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    Today’s random thought: I should clean up my trusty smoker and do some barbecue.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Yes. Yes, you should. And remember to share your recipe (ideally, on Saturday. Not late Sunday, when nobody will see it)

  • Jack Parsons
  • mardam422

    So, vaginal steaming? What’s wrong with that? I always steam clams. Once they open, they’re ready.

    • Sakonyachen

      Can she consciously uncouple her steamed vagina from the media through apitherapy(autocorrect tried to change that to soother spy, probably because soother spy makes more sense than apitherapy)? I would appreciate it.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “I’m always the guinea pig to try everything. I’ve got to try them all.”

    Can you imagine the daily siege of woo-peddlers that her manager and PR people must put up with?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      I always wonder what Blythe Danner must be thinking.

  • janecita

    Yesterday, a bee stung my husband on his neck. I have to tell him that the inflammation, that basically looks like a massive tumor, is just a side effect of the beauty and youth coming his way!

    • alnnc

      Tell him one sting won’t do it. About 25 years ago, I lived in an old house that had a wasp problem first noted while taking a shower. It took two years and about 30 stings to resolve the problem, but it must work. I’m 64 and everyone says I don’t look a day over 63. Maybe I should start back. After the first two or three stings it doesn’t really hurt much.

  • Kooolest G

    is it wrong that I really want to take a red sharpie and draw polka dots all over my body and go to the one theater in NY that’s showing “vaxxed” and cough loudly through the whole movie. I bet I would have a whole row of seats to myself

  • FelineMama

    Measles vaccine Bad, Bee venom Good! got it. Someone could tell gwennie cat feces could cure her of anything & she’d try it. I have your toxoplasmosis right here gwen.

  • MrCanoehead

    Did Gwyneth get the idea from Julia Roberts in “Mirror Mirror”?
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MJmGfyYfzAk

  • LarkintheAM

    There are no toxins in nature because
    nature is a blessed mothering force, not a horrifying cacophony of death
    and gore whose only constant is its commitment to self-annihilation.
    I’ll remind myself of that the next time I pull the alpha-amanatin from my freezer to use as an inhibitor in my transcription experiments. Since it comes from those cute little toadstools with the bright red and white caps, it cannot be the reason that people die when they go foraging without a clue.

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