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Bill Clinton has been yelling at black people again. Specifically, he’s been yelling at protesters from Black Lives Matter, calling them dishonest liars who stick up for murderers and crack dealers. (The bad kind of crack dealer, who makes all the little 10-year-olds go shoot each other until they’re dead.)

Hillary Clinton needs to muzzle her husband.

First things first: the gang wars were really bad, y’all. Ten-year-olds were getting murdered (and murdering). Bill Clinton’s crime bill, which some of us knew was awful at the time, wasn’t universally recognized as bugfuck racist until much later — a lot of the black community was like “hey, please do something to help stop the 10-year-old murders.” Bill Clinton was all “let me build you so many prisons!” Hillary Clinton was like “let me give speeches supporting it!” And Bernie Sanders said, “I vote aye on this bill and 30 years from now I will run for president against the First Lady and all my supporters will be mad at her for this Crime Bill even though she wasn’t even in Congress and I was and I voted for it SO HARD.” Oh my God, Bernie Sanders can see the future. HE IS A WITCH!

So that’s out of the way.

Now, should Bill Clinton be yelling at Black Lives Matter people, who are calling out Hillary for her comments about “superpredators”? Oh my sweet Jesus, Bill Clinton shut the fuck up.

Bill Clinton: You ALREADY APOLOGIZED for the Crime Bill, and now you’re explaining how right you were to lock away all the scary black people in Supermax forever.

Bill Clinton: Now you’re all “the welfare bill solved poverty”? “Hush.”

Bill Clinton: You are the guy who said about Barack Obama that “a few years ago this guy would have been carrying our bags.” It’s hard to spin that into an admiring “how wonderful that things have come so far since those terrible days when the brilliant colored fella would have been our porter.”

Bill Clinton: You are not ACTUALLY the first black president. Leave the “yelling at black people” shtick to Bill Cosby (IN JAIL).

Bill Clinton: Instead of yelling at black people that they are stupid, or liars, or oh my fucking god “I’ll tell you another story about a place where black lives matter: Africa,” how about you drink a nice herbal cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Here is how to deal with Black Lives Matter protesters when they interrupt you: I don’t know, I have no idea. Maybe say hi? Offer to get a beer and listen to them later? That would probably not work, if your aim is to have them stop yelling over you during your speech. Has anybody tried it? OH OH I KNOW! You could say “Black Lives Matter folks, I hear you, and I have apologized for the Crime Bill. I regret the terrible toll it’s taken on communities of color for the past 30 years, and Hillary agrees with me. It’s her sincere desire to help undo that damage, and for that reason her policies are [examples of policies here, you’re a policy guy, I’m sure you already know them]. Now WATCH ME PLAY THIS SAXOPHONE!”

It might work? What won’t work: that thing you’re doing now, or were doing until Hillary “YOU’RE FIRED” you like a common Donald Trump.

White people: If this makes you like Hillary Clinton better, and she goes up in the polls because her husband yelled at black people (AGAIN), I will renounce you forever, DON’T DO THAT.

Hillary Clinton: Please send Bill Clinton to the Bahamas for ever. Nobody but some old talk radio biddies cares if he spends his dotage cavorting with bikini teenage strange. Pension him off. Put him out to pasture. Go see him once or twice a year, have a Mai-Tai and work on your tan.

It’ll be better for all of us.

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