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David Hall, a Sovereign Florida Man who got his day in court back in December 2014, has for some reason been rediscovered by the Internet in the last week, after this video of his appearance before Broward County Judge John “Jay” Hurley was reposted a few days ago by a funny-videos aggregator. Beyond demonstrating that nothing on the internet ever goes away, it’s an impressive performance by Judge Hurley, who has clearly seen it all, and is not at all swayed by Sovereign Citizen linguistic gymnastics. It’s a little like watching an old episode of Night Court, even though we really miss Bull. Fortunately, the defendant provides plenty of that all on his own.

First, Hall has to clarify whether Judge Hurley is even a judge, because for Sovereign Citizen Language Magic to work, you have to perform all the rituals correctly:

Hall: I would like to state some things for the record, thank you Judge. Judge John Hurley I do accept your oath of office here today for the record, sir.

Hurley: Thank you sir.

Hall: Thank you. Does this court take judicial notice of your oath, sir? With all due respect.

Hurley: I see. I take judicial notice of my own oath, yes sir, I do.

That was quite gracious of Hurley, really. Then we get to the really important conjuring. You see, David Hall, the guy standing before Judge Hurley is definitely not the same legal entity as the person “DAVID HALL” who is named in court documents, and may also be a corporation owned by the U.S. Government because of his birth certificate. Or so the U Don’t Have To Follow Laws U Don’t Like handbook says. Hurley barely blinks as Hall launches into his explanation of how he’s appearing in court: He’s not the David Hall who’s being charged with multiple charges, including DUI, driving on an expired license, failure to pay traffic fines, failure to drive in a single lane, and driving without license plates. Nope, definitely not that guy:

Hall: Sir, today I’m appearing as the agent and settler for David Hall.

Hurley: Okay. Okay, could you get Mr. Hall for me then sir? Where is he?

Hall: I go by that name sir, my name sounds exactly like the defendant’s and I’m here to settle that matter today.

Hurley: So are you and David Hall one and the same person?

Hall: I’m not a person, I’m an individual. David Hall is the person; I am the agent to that name.

Hurley: Okay, are you and David Hall one and the same individual?

Hall: I go by the name David Hall sir, and I’m here about that matter today.

Hurley: Okay, so, so you go by the name David Hall, okay. So this is what we’re going to do. Uh… the person who goes by the name of David Hall is standing in front of me…

Hall: I’m the individual. I’m an individual not a person.

Hurley: You’re not a person?

Hall: Yes sir, David Hall is a person, I’m a private individual. David Hall is a person under color of law sir.

Hurley: Okay, where’s David Hall, then the person David Hall?

Hall: Exists on paper sir, David Hall is a corporation. This action is under color of law sir, and I do understand that. I am here in my real capacity as a private individual for that name. And I’m here about that matter, and I’m happy to settle.

Hurley: Okay.

Fine, you want to pretend you’re an individual, and the “person” David Hall is another entity, we’re good, we can roll with that. You’re not a number, you’re a human being. Now go right ahead, Number Six. Hurley has clearly dealt with these folks before, and he’s not going to let his court be slowed down by a lot of pseudolegal gibberish. It’s really rather beautiful to behold, as Hurley simply steamrolls past Hall’s bafflegab and turns it back on him:

Hurley: So you are the settler and agent and you are the individual, but you’re not the person, is that correct?

Hall: Correct. Correct.

Hurley: Got it! Let me – I’m going to write that down. Settler, agent, an individual, but you are not the person, got it. I think, you know, I remember, I think, it was last week you told me this too, and, and I was real uncertain, but it’s become very clear now, now. Okay settler, the agent, the individual, but he is not the person. Okay so does the settler, the agent, the individual have any money in the bank?

Hurley goes on to inform Hall — the settler, the agent, the individual, and even the person — that since all of the available David Halls went and drove on a suspended license and got themselves arrested for a DUI while they were out on bond for separate felony and misdemeanor cases, then no way is Judge Hurley going to grant bond for the new case, sorry. One of the David Halls breaks in to object with a favorite Sovereign Citizen claim: he wasn’t “driving,” he was “traveling,” which means that the government can’t regulate him, no way:

Hall: May I make a correction sir?

Hurley: Go ahead, sir.

Hall: Yes, I’m traveling, you said that — you said that — you used the term “driving” and I was traveling sir, traveling.

Hurley: Okay, all right. So the settler, the agent, the individual or the person David Hall for traveling on a public highway or public road in the State of Florida was allegedly doing so without a valid driver’s license and he has done it several times in the past.

It’s one of the most beautiful judicial “Yeah, whatever” moments we’ve seen. Hurley sets bond at $10,000 and then adds that since David Hall the settler, agent, individual, person, and shambling pile of incoherence are all a danger to public safety, not a single one of them will be eligible for release from the Broward County Jail, sorry buddy or buddies.

At one point, when Hurley turns Hall’s word games back on him, asking Hall who he’s “speaking on behalf of now,” Hall insists, “Sir, I don’t understand that question. I believe that you’re trying to confuse me now.” You think?

Ultimately, reality wins out over jiggery-pokery, and when Hall insists one more time that he’s David Hall the individual, not David Hall the person, Hurley shuts him down, with audible laughter from the other defendants waiting to be processed:

When you see the person David Hall, tell him he’s not leaving jail either, all right?

Boom. Hurley dismisses Hall with a cheerful “Have a nice day,” and once all of David Hall is taken back to his cell, apologizes to the public defender, Dale Miller, for the delay, explaining he just wanted to get all that on the record. Miller replies, “Someday, your honor I’m going to do a study and figure out exactly what’s going on with all that stuff. Right now, it is all just a bunch of mumbo jumbo, to me.”

Hurley mentions that this wasn’t his first tangle with Sovereigns, and notes that some of them rendered their very own judgment against him for $100,000. Miller asks if he’s started making payments on that, and Hurley just chuckles and calls the next case.

And that, kids, is how well the Sovereign Citizen crowd’s arguments hold up in a real court. Even one where the flag has gold fringe on it.

[YouTube tip from Wonkette Operative “Coozledad” / SPLC / Zenpundit / transcript at Lybio]

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  • Steven M. Harries

    So, IOW, I am he as you are me and we as a nation are not altogether.

    • Hutch

      Come together,
      Right now,
      And go to jail.

      • weejee

        ♪ Shoot me,
        Shoot me,
        Shoot me ♪

    • coozledad

      If I fell in love with you
      would it be the person- you
      or the corporation-you
      cause I’ve been in love before
      with an opaque sovereign bore
      They NEVER paid for lunch.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Goo-goo Ga-choo!

      • Marion in Savannah

        I always heard that as “koo-koo ka-choo.” But what the hell — one hard consonant is as good as another, right?

  • Callyson

    Um, David honey? Interrupting the judge at least three times in one minute is not the way to get on his good side…

    • sw19womble

      He is trying…

      • Last Hussar

        So, so trying.

  • SDGeoff

    That was a fun read on weed.
    Whhooee!

  • Hutch

    I knew some criminal attorneys (not “criminal” attorneys ala “Breaking Bad”) in Broward who spoke highly of Judge Hurley and his fairness and intelligence. I guess he is also pretty damn tolerant of nonsense.

    • Joe Beese

      I imagine it’s imperative to keep one’s sense of humor in that job.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Christ — Obama should nominate him for SCOTUS.

  • Joe Beese

    80s Hair Trigger Warning

    • Hutch

      Show me on the doll where the man with the mullet touched you.

      • Marion in Savannah

        EWWW… People allowed men with mullets to touch them? DISGUSTING.

    • chazmanr

      Bad 80s hair or not, Markie Post was HAWT! What ever happened to Harry Anderson? His magic/standup routines were pretty amusing.

      • Joe Beese

        The most unflattering hairstyle devised by the hand of man would be insufficient to suppress this degree of hotness.

        • deanbooth

          Maybe Trump hair?
          Ed Grimley hair?

  • Msgr_Moment

    He who hires his own person to represent his individualism has both a fool for an agent and settler and an ass for a client.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I’ve been a person a plaintiff a sovereign a drunk, a pawn and a king…”
    But not the individual — that’s just someone else who looks like me and has my DNA and exact same birth certificate.

    • Msgr_Moment

      That’s life (that’s life),
      I tell you I can’t deny it
      I thought of quitting, baby,
      but the judge just ain’t gonna buy it

  • Callyson

    David Hall is a corporation.

    Is he a publicly traded corporation? If so, I’d like to do a short sale, stat…

    • sw19womble

      His Liability is Limited, along with many other things.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        His Lucidity is Limited, his Looniness is Legendary.

      • coozledad

        He’s an LLC, pronounced “Aluck”.

    • Creepoman

      Corporations are people, my friend. Or individuals . . . or agents? Fuck it, it’s happy hour.

    • weejee

      Hey, that strategy seems to work for the Kochs and their ilk.

  • arglebargle

    His defense was jury rigged.

    • Major_Major_Major

      He should have been a bit more brief.

      • Msmlg1979

        I object to your tone!

        • Hutch

          Sustained.

          • Marion in Savannah

            But the original comment was appealing…

    • greyXstar

      The individual, agent, corporation and whatever will be the judges of that.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Don’t laugh. David Hall is Donald Trump’s pick for AG when he gets elected.

  • Lazy Media
  • YayConspiracy

    This settler is walked by a professional person in a closed institution. Do not try this at home.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Now I know why the Beatles wrote this:

    I am he as you are he as you are me
    And we are all together
    See how they run like pigs from a gun
    See how they fly
    I’m crying

    Sitting on a cornflake
    Waiting for the van to come
    Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday
    Man you’ve been a naughty boy
    You let your face grow long

    I am the eggman
    They are the eggmen
    I am the walrus
    Goo goo g’ joob

    • coozledad

      No. I am the sovereign walrus is not the egg man.
      He is the egg individual. And here’s another clue for you all- the walrus is not “Paul”, but Apple, in its role as corporate person, except the part that the individual, Paul, owns, which is Paul, as an individual, and therefore not subject to lien or seizure.

  • FZsdaughter

    Fringe being the operative word.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Sometimes they file liens against judges and DAs too.

    Though, the courts are getting better about recognizing that and shutting it down before it starts, and when they let one slip through, it just gets the SC into way more deep crap eventually for various fraud charges.

  • Callyson

    Watching the other defendants in the courtroom looking at this lunatic and laughing is one of the best parts of this freak show. I know I wouldn’t be able to stop LMFAO if I were there…

  • arglebargle
  • cousin itt

    David Hall, what is the frequency?

    • BadKitty904

      Garbled.

    • Pickwicknext

      Kenneth

      • Marion in Savannah

        About 100 million years ago when “what’s the frequency, Kenneth?” was a new thing a friend of mine and I were walking down Madison Avenue in NYC when who should we run into but Dan Rather… I’m only slightly ashamed to admit that we followed him for about half a block asking “What’s the frequency?”

        (At the time I was wearing a “Debbie The Dick For President — More Balls Than Bush” T-shirt which I still treasure. The Bush in question was GHW Bush. I still have the shirt, which is probably a YOOOGE collector’s item.)

  • Belasaurius
  • HobbesEvilTwin

    The defendant should immediately appeal to the court of Judge Sarah Lou.

  • chicken thief

    I think we done found us a new attorney!

    ~ Cliven to Ammon

    • Beaumarchais?

      Lavoy’ll be happy to hear this!

      What, too soon?

  • Scooby

    $50 says this guy loves Trump.

    • chicken thief

      David Hall the person, or David Hall the individual, loves Trump? Or you betting $100 total?

      • Zippy

        AOT,K

        • Mehmeisterjr

          It’s a winner-take-all-the-David-Halls!

      • Callyson

        Don’t forget about David Hall the settler and David Hall the agent!

      • Scooby

        Trump the person or Trump the individual? I guess it’s a $200 bet.

        • TheBidenator

          Trump only communicates in millions and billions. Loser. Pathetic!

          • Scooby

            Hope he gives me a tip when he orders a burger then!

          • TheBidenator

            The tip is: Don’t beg Donald Trump for tips, you should be tipping him for sitting at your table. He’s terrific, just terrific.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        The individual is subject to admiralty law, right? lol

        • Mehmeisterjr

          If he is David Hall the Vice-Admiral, David Hall, the fo’s’le, and David Hall the simple swabbie, then yes.

          • Zippy

            Uncle Admiral Hallsey?

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            It was on the Good Ship Venus
            My God you should have seen us
            The figure head
            Was a whore in bed
            The mast a giant penis

            The Captain of this Luggar
            He was a dirty bugger
            He wasn’t fit
            To shovel shit
            From one place to another.

          • Querolous

            The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
            The dirty little nipper;
            He filled his ass with broken glass,
            And circumcised the Skipper!

          • Blank Ron

            Friggin’ in the riggin’
            Friggin’ in the riggin’
            Friggin’ in the riggin’
            There was fuck-all else to do!

            The best radio station in the world (CFNY) actually played this during morning drive-time. Once. Good thing the CRTC never heard about it.

          • mailman27

            Yeah, and I’m his Uncle Albert.

      • Nockular cavity

        I’ll up the ante to $CSA 300.

        • Beaumarchais?

          Finally, a reason to have saved those confederate dollars, boys.

      • TheBidenator

        False flag on the field! They got to you, didn’t they? You need to shed your corporate name CHICKEN THIEF and accept your individual name chicKen.Theif#$%.esq.

  • TheBidenator

    Sovereign mullets of the world unite!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    He is an article 4 Free Inhabitant and “travelling”.

    That’s article 4 of the Articles of Confederation for those who haven’t studied this jibberish too much.

    And yes, I guess they think that has something to do with the Constitution that replaced the Articles of Confederation.

  • BadKitty904

    I know two Florida judges personally. One is an avid surfer and very funny, the other is a fellow member of Habitat for Humanity and heads up our local croquet league. Florida judges seem to be either bay-at-the-moon crazy or pretty damn mellow. The problem is you never know which type you’re going to face in court…

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      So you’re saying I should get my license renewed, just in case?

    • Marion in Savannah

      I’ll repeat myself — this judge should be Obama’s nomination for SCOTUS.

  • TheBidenator

    David Hall might be both an individual and a person because his liver is large enough to occupy two bodies….

  • BadKitty904

    This guy didn’t reference the Code of Hammurabi. Tyro…

  • aureolaborealis

    It’s funny, and pathetic, and we had a guy in my area buying explosives, intimidating police and plotting to kill federal judges. He tried the same shit in court. There was much less bemused tolerance. Oh, and he got 28 years. Good, solid, non-negotiable Federal years.

  • TheBidenator

    Cliven Bundy is totally going to use this defense, it’s called Dildo ex Cullo.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      A clear case of res ipse suquitor.

  • cousin itt

    Ahh, ya doesn’t has to call me David Hall! You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Johnny or you can call me Sonny, or you can call me RayJay, or you can call me RJ… but ya doesn’t hafta call me David Hall.

    • Msmlg1979

      Can I call him darlin’, darlin’?

    • Hutch

      But don’t call me late for prison chow.

    • Joe Beese

      ..

  • Zippy

    So can he pay his bond in Dogecoin?

    • BadKitty904

      I thought chickens were de rigueur

    • Hutch

      David Hall is hoping to pay it in wampum.

      • BadKitty904

        No beaver pelts?

        • Hutch

          Not in South Florida! Oh, you mean “beaver” pelts. Nevermind.

          • yyyaz

            Disappeared in ’96.

    • JMP

      Has the bitcoin Ponzi scheme bubble crashed yet, anyway? It’s weird how there were lots of stories about it for a while, and then it just kind of went away from the news.

    • theCryptofishist

      That’s Venice–breaking off from Italy and the EU.

    • Marion in Savannah

      The Doges of Venice are coining new moneys? How did I miss this?

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Other Sovereign Citizen News: Shawna Cox released from house arrest to tend to “rental properties and business” since her husband is recuperating from open heart surgery.

    Which begs the question, “why does she have a court-appointed attorney if they have these assets”?

    The judge has further instructed her to not use her phone or computer to post things on Social Media since the previous gag order proved insufficient.

    Expected result: She will again look for a way around the gag order.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Nah… She’ll just ignore the effing gag order and not one fcking thing will happen. She’s white, right?

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I like the general idea that you can make reality not happen if you just throw enough jibberish at it, though. Maybe if $ister $arah keeps appearing at Trumpf’s rallies, she can reverse the space-time continuum and he’ll disappear with an audible pop.

  • JMP

    “It’s a little like watching an old episode of Night Court, even though we really miss Bull”

    Court, at night? I’m laughing already!

  • BadKitty904

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ob2iKO7IHk
    Oh, he said “sovereign“…

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      That’s ok, gave me an excuse to watch this marvelous clip.

  • cousin itt

    He’s a Hall of mirrors, those guys.

    • BadKitty904

      I would’ve guessed “hologram”…

      • theCryptofishist

        Halls of Medicine?

      • JMP

        Jem’s truly outrageous band?

      • cousin itt

        I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose,
        Drinking fresh, mango juice,
        Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes,

        Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun,
        Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.

        • theCryptofishist

          We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun…

          • yyyaz

            NOOOOOO–OOOOOOO111L1L1L1L!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!lL

      • wavicles

        “I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It’s a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.”

  • aureolaborealis

    I remember going through a phase like this. It corresponded with my discovery of Tolkien, and an ensuing obsession with Dungeons & Dragons. I was 12. Maybe if I just get the words right, I will discover my magical, reality-obviating powers … I also spent a lot of — OK, too much — time trying to disperse clouds with my mind.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?
      • Kavefish

        This always brings a lump to my throat.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Hey, if you’re going to live in a fantasy world, it may as well involve cool shit like dungeon spelunking and implausible reptiles. These sovereign types need to get a life outside of legal Calvinball.

    • doktorzoom

      Ah, another victim of Richard Bach’s Illusions. For me, it was a brief but useful phase that helped me on my way out of Catholicism. Plus, barnstorming!

  • SessileRaptor

    If the GOP were truly wedded to the idea of keeping Guantanamo bay open as a detention facility, they could suggest we stick all these dunces in there and instantly get the support of anyone who’s had to deal with them.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    “Judge, Judge, I need to say how I’m appearing here today, sir.”

    He appeared to be A Idiot was my first thought.

    • yyyaz

      His appearance wasn’t exactly deceiving, either.

  • TheBidenator

    So THIS is the type of idiot who runs a bitcoin exchange….it’ll never work, Dave you’re just wasting your time.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Dave’s not here

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Did the ‘ju: Dge sign that document with a red thumbprint?

  • Ghost Buggy

    Where’s Rover when you need him?

  • It’s a little like watching an old episode of Night Court

    Except Buddy would at least acknowledge that he’s a nut.

    • Blank Ron

      ‘But I’m feeling MUCH better now!’

  • Mr Corrections

    “Okay so does the settler, the agent, the individual have any money in the bank?”

    I got a judge-crush

  • Jonny On Maui

    I would commit a crime in Florida just to go before this judge and save him from Florida.

    • Msmlg1979

      I love Florida! I love Florida even after a Florida man called me a “crazy bitch” in a Burger King parking lot.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Ms. On Maui is a Florida escapee. She has only one requirement every time we move.

        We have to be further away from Florida…

        But hey, if it makes you happy, more power to you!

        • Msmlg1979

          I love anywhere with lots of sun and beaches.

          • bozilingus

            Well, Florida is filled with sons of bitches…

          • yyyaz

            And, up in Volusia County, the Sons of the Beaches.

          • Marion in Savannah

            Try Tybee Island, just a hop, skip, and a jump away from here. Just remember, however, that Thunderbolt only exists to hand out speeding tickets.

          • Msmlg1979

            I have passed within kissing distance of Savannah many times on my way to south FL, but it was never in the budget to spend a night. I will get there one day!

        • TutuWuwu

          I’m with your Ms., but I’m from Jackson, MS and live in Kula. Can’t get far enough away from that shit.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Ms. concurs, Jackson MS is WTF.

            Worse Than Florida…

          • TutuWuwu

            Ya mon – waaay worse back in the days of the civil rights struggle, and still pretty damn awful.

  • Indiepalin

    Dave’s not here.

    • Iam Reading

      No, man. I’m dave!

    • Goposaur

      redrum

  • BadKitty904

    He’s the Defendant Formally Known as David Hall.

    • Msmlg1979

      In court, he’s Tyler Durden.

      • BadKitty904

        Not Keyser Soze?

        • Hutch

          Or Rolo Tamazzi?

          • Msmlg1979

            He IS Sasha Fierce.

        • Marion in Savannah

          He seemed to be a rather unusual suspect…

          (That’s one of my all time favorite movies, by the way.)

          • BadKitty904

            Good call – one of the very few flicks that genuinely surprised me at the ending.

      • mailman27

        He’s Kirby Delauter. You can’t say his name!!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Clark Kent is Superman’s parody of what Earthlings are like.

    • cousin itt

      Today, we are all

  • anon_the_great

    And yet more coherent than anything that has gushed from the fascist yam’s talk-talk hole.

    • wavicles

      I agree, it was a good effort. He kept it together longer than I thought he would.
      The judge gives me hope.

      Can you imagine the transcript of this guy, (this group of Dave’s not here), in front of Judge Gohmert?

  • TheBidenator

    I think Ted Cruz just found his veep…..Trump will counter with Honey Boo Boo or if he needs someone less qualified than a child, Willie Robertson.

    • Marion in Savannah

      LOUIE GOHMERT LIBELZ!

  • Cismontane

    does this line of argument work any differently in states where the flag has the Confederate battle flag on it?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    These are not comments. These are individual agents of comments, and they’re prepared to settle. Comments exist on a web server, and are not allowed here.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Now I think I am beginning to understand the Wonkette no comments meme.

      • wavicles

        So it’s settled then?

        • Marion in Savannah

          As long as nobody comments…

          • OddMan

            But I have a Gold Fringed hat and used to be in the Navy. Doesn’t that count?

  • Rick Kitchen

    Expect this kind of stuff from the people arrested for the takeover of the Malheur Nature Preserve.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Yeah, all this and then they’ll drop trou and leave a pile of steaming shit on the floor for someone else to clean up.

  • Iam Reading

    We have a guy like this here in Boise Idaho. Ryan Davidson who is now a campaign supporter for Cruz, big surprise. He got his start in the Tea Party Sovereign citizen movement because he couldn’t drive a car without fucking speeding, and he had no insurance. So then he decided he was all special and didn’t have to follow the rules and you know the rest of the story…….

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      There is one in Lewiston who runs for Sheriff every four years. I saw him piss a judge off in Orofino once by “representing” his sovereign citizen buddy. The judge had no patience for his argument that he was an “attorney, but not a lawyer.” Threatened to jail him for contempt if he didn’t either get the hell out of his courtroom or present him with his Bar card by the time the bailiff crossed the room.

      • nmmagyar

        We have one in Albuquerque. She wore a plastic badge and toy gun in a holster everywhere she went while running for Sheriff – and drove a car covered with anti-semitic (“Jew Bankers must Pay” level shit) bumper stickers. I miss seeing her at the flea market.

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          I represented one who was arrested in Colorado and convicted of a felony for impersonating a police officer. He was running around “evicting” people with the power of his (no shit) “Constitutional Ranger” badge.

          • nmmagyar

            Her badge was bright orange and she wore nothing but long skirts- so it wasn’t like she was actually impersonating and officer.

      • Marion in Savannah

        This raises an interesting (?) question. An individual can represent his/herself “pro se.” Why can’t a moran be allowed to have another moran “pro se-ish” attorney?

  • shastakoala

    It’s not all fame and glory when you’re presiding over the kiddie table of the judicial system.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    With respect, Your Honor, if the car has an automatic transmission you can’t really call it “driving.”

    • TRAVELLING!

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Defense requests a free throw.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Illegal in every Basketball Court!

  • BadKitty904

    I’d be curious to know what, exactly, this guy sees when he looks in a mirror.

  • Axomamma

    I transcribed a hearing in one of the New Hampshire cases involving the morons in Keene. It was pretty much the same as this Florida business, except much, much longer. Unfortunately, in the end, the people who work for the City of Keene were left hanging out to dry because the judge refused to give the workers a protective order to stop the freeloaders (aka Free Keene/Free State Project) from following them around, photographing them, yelling at them. Being a sovereign citizen or a Libertarian should formally be considered a mental disorder.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Damn… About 45 years ago I lived in Brattleboro, VT, right next door to Keene. That was back in the days when the hippies ruled and EVERYONE was forced to shop at the local co-op, and things seemed rather mellow.

  • Logic of Color

    Sort of a redneck version of “these are not the droids you’re looking for”. That only works on the weak-minded.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Not enough sentences began with prepositions, and they were not all longer than 13 words and mostly capitalized Nouns.

      He messed it up.

  • cheetojeebus

    Im going to assume the courtroom artist appropriately rendered the scene with a range of colors from Binney and Smith?

    • Aquaria

      Oh, I wouldn’t go that expensive for them. The local supermarket generic brand will work just fine.

  • We really do need to find a nice little island for these folks and the militia folks and the gun humpers and just send them off to form their own country free of laws and public services. Just let them LARP out their founding father fantasies where they can’t hurt anyone but each other.

    I’d give it about a week before a multi-sided civil war started.

    • BadKitty904

      The Aleutian Islands are fairly empty-ish. Just sayin’…

      • Hutch

        But the birds! Think of the poor birds! Isn’t there an old disease quarantine island somewhere off the east coast we could send them to? Or somewhere where we used to test nuclear weapons in the Pacific?

        • wavicles

          We could safely watch from S.F. as they play army on Alcatraz

          • Hutch

            Brilliant!

          • Pinkham’s Law

            FAR too close to shore! Let them go play in Spongebob’s neighborhood.

        • Smokahontas

          Plum Island is nice this time of year…

          • BadKitty904

            Not big enough to hold all these bozos. ‘Sides, if we exile them there, the local shorebird rookeries will take a tern for the worse…

          • Smokahontas

            True, also no Walmart for the Jade Helm edumacation campers.

          • nmmagyar

            Bring all the hot men to my house and then give them Australia

          • BadKitty904

            Well, we certainly appreciate you giving your all for social justice, but dang… ;0)

          • jmk

            NO… that’s too close to me, and I’d lose my job because I kept going out to Orient to watch the idiots and laugh at them, and then get lunch in Greenport.

          • Smokahontas

            Ok, back to the drawing board…Bikini Atolls then?
            Also too, if you’re getting decent crab cakes for lunch my sympathy vote is null and void. Have Subway like the rest of us proletariats, and like it!

          • jmk

            If there’s still radioactivity floating around in the Bikini Atolls, I say we have a winnah!

            And for crab cakes, I’d suggest Claudio’s. We don’t typically go there, since we’re both cheap enough to object to being charged $10 for parking, so clams and some locally-caught fish with good beer at the Rhumb Line are more our speed… Subway is for days we DON’T get to loaf around in Greenport.

        • Courser

          Yup, I think it’s called Plum Island. It’s where they tested animal Anthrax vaccines and quarantined animals with exotic, impossible to cure diseases.

          Perfect!

          • Msmlg1979

            It’s also where Clarice Starling tells Hannibal Lecter he can visit if he profiles Buffalo Bill.

            “Plum Island Animal Disease Research Center. Sounds charming.”

      • Grokenstein

        The crater of any active volcano would suffice. All they have to do is declare that they do not recognize the authority of magma before they dive in, they’ll be fine.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Xenu, what are you doing on wonket?

      • Marion in Savannah

        I’d suggest Plum Island (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plum_Island_Animal_Disease_Center) but I’m afraid that the militia morans and gun humpers would infect the animals.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Isn’t that Tejas?

    • Aquaria

      I say build a big old wall around Kansas and drop them in there. Then put up cameras for everyone to watch.

  • shastakoala

    I’m amazed the judge could keep a straight face.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    Beyond demonstrating that nothing on the internet ever goes away, it’s an impressive performance by Judge Hurley, who has clearly seen it all

    …as someone who has made a couple of youthful indiscretion in the county of “Broward” I can call this a serious minimization. A buddy of mine named “Drunken Black Guy” told me a story about a guy that once told a judge to “Motor boat my balls”!!!

    • BadKitty904

      Ah, the Voice of the People…

    • And it probably was (sadly) in the days before cameras were allowed in court. :-(

      My own “WTF?” moment came when I was waiting in court for a minor ticket – just needed to show the judge I’d had the taillight repaired to get it dismissed – and the guy in front of me was trying to argue about why the DWI he had should be dismissed. Of course, it would have helped his case if he weren’t three sheets to the wind drunk.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …well from “Drunken Black Guys” recollection the “motor boat my balls” comment came shortly before the guy that literally passed out in the middle of the judge asking “how do you plead”! But “Drunken Black Guy” was very nice and ended up with a fairly nice slap on on the wrist, at least according to what he says

    • dansezlajavanaise

      with all due respect. you should have said ‘with all due respect’, then he would have known you were being totally respectful.

      i mean your friend, of course.

  • limberrat

    Gawd, the Articles was superseded by the Constitution. Get OVER IT!!!!

  • JoeChristmas

    Since we can’t comment here as a person, I’m making a remark as a individual.

    • Hutch

      It’s not “commenting,” it’s “speechifying.”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Palavering”

      • BadKitty904

        “Jaw-bonin'”…

      • Naytch

        chewing the fat

    • BadKitty904

      “Persons” wear pants. “Individuals” do not. That’s how you can tell the difference.

      • Beaumarchais?

        I’m an individual, at last!

      • Kavefish

        What I’m wearing are not pants. They are voluntary cotton accoutrements that choose to reside on or about the lower portion of my locomotive structure. Thank you very much.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          So you are not bound by petty laws of pants, on or off?

          • Kavefish

            I do not recognize on or off as legal constructs.

            But, yes, my legs are pretty.

            …uh… for a man, that is…

    • Marion in Savannah

      I’d just like to take your sovereign comment out for a lovely dinner, with wine and its favorite protein. And lots of chocolate for desert.

      • JoeChristmas

        Parlez-vous française?

  • Msmlg1979

    I’m not Hall, I’m Oates, Goddammit!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Private Citizen on Paper Eyes are watching you…….

      They see your every move……

      • kaw143

        It’s a bitch, girl. . .

        • shastakoala

          But ya know it don’t matter anyway.

    • Pickwicknext

      Fuck you, Oates! I’m Garfunkle!

      • Msmlg1979

        No loophole for me, thank you very much! ;)

        • nmmagyar

          Have you tried it?

          • Msmlg1979

            A number of times.

  • DerrickWildcat

    100% bananas

  • baconzgood

    How that judge didn’t throw him in the looney bin for an evaluation is beyond me.

    • Hutch

      Half of South Florida would be in the booby hatch if judges started doing that.

      • baconzgood

        I would have spoke to him for 2 minutes and committed him for 24 hours for psychological observation. It sounded like he was going through some psychotic episode.

        • wavicles

          As pointed out, it’s linguistic gymnastics. I think he was jivin’ there for a couple’o minutes. He’s practiced but far from sticking his landing.

      • nmmagyar

        Most of the gulf coast a well, from what I’ve observed (I have family in St Pete)

    • BadKitty904

      I continue to be amazed that Florida’s Baker Act (aka, the Florida Mental Health Act) isn’t invoked more often…

  • Notreelyhelping

    And that man…was Albert Einstein. And now you’ve heard the REST of the story. Good day.

    • baconzgood

      That made Baconz spit take.

      • Notreelyhelping

        We aims to serve.

  • wavicles

    FOUL… I call ‘travelling’!

    • thenearesthippie

      They haven’t called traveling for years.

      • Zippy

        at least not in the NBA

    • Villago Delenda Est

      15 yards for derp interference.

  • JoeChristmas

    I always wondered what happens to those who are homeschooled.

  • Proud Liberal

    Oh. My. God. That was a whole lot of stupid right there!

  • Master Contrail Program

    These sovereign folk could certainly use a good Marshall Plan. Can they be deported to a series of artificial islands to start the process?

    • anna rampage

      Maybe we could send them to some of those small islands that are surrounding the Chinese expansion in the South China Sea?

      • Master Contrail Program

        Some people ask questions. Some people seek solutions. I like it.

      • nmmagyar

        nope. Send them to the floating trash island.

    • doktorzoom

      The Martial Islands, perhaps?

      • Master Contrail Program

        It’s the circle of life, but more importantly, liberty. Each head of state for themselves with the whole pursuit of happiness thing.

      • BadKitty904

        I see what you did there, Dok…

      • Zippy

        as Jan said, Marshal, Martial, Marshall!

      • Querolous

        I doubt that he ever made it to the Marital Island.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Finally home and able to watch it. LOL. Pwned!

  • anna rampage

    I could watch these videos all day… It’s quite entertaining to see these yahoos get their azzes handed to them…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfVbiefMdNU

    • Operation American Jesus®

      I hereby nominate P. Barnes as Captain Big Chief Boss of ALL the sovereign citizen shenanitard tazerers!!

    • thenearesthippie

      “I don’t want to create joinder with you.”

      Well, no one wants that.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I’m guessing lack of joinder is the reason the little prick still lives with his mom.

    • Courser

      I LOVE watching assholes get tazed! Thank you!

      Stupid Comcast switched Cops to a higher tier so I don’t get to watch A Idiots get tazed anymore.

    • jmk

      “Admiralty maritime jurisdiction… I’m a state citizen of one of the several states…I don’t know what the hell law book you’re reading, man, but it doesn’t apply to me” bwaaaaah hahahahahaha

      What gets me every time is how pleased they are with themselves.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Just before they get tased… Which makes it even sweeter.

    • Lot_49

      “Leave the camera with your mother…”

      Hahahahahaha…

    • Kavefish
  • bird law

    I like that the judge stayed so calm throughout the whole thing, and how much he seems to be enjoying it near the end.

    • BadKitty904

      Hey, judges can use a laugh from time to time, too…

  • Smokahontas

    Dear Florida,
    Please limit your sovereign individual batshit loonery to Friday news dumps. Every time I read a headline the starts out, “Florida Man…” and is followed by words, I feel the need to check on dear old Smokodad in the swamp and make sure his sovereignty is still intact. This leads me to require massive amounts of booze to counteract exposure to said loonery, which in turn depletes the booze available to others who are similarly in need. In closing, won’t you please think of the children, you mouth breathing, backwater Yokels?
    Best,
    An individual, settler, sovereign consumer

    • Marion in Savannah

      AH — You found the way to refer to yourself that will FORCE them to respect you. You called yourself “consumer.” NOW they will all bow down before you.

  • limberrat

    I’m sorry Dave, I am afraid I can’t do that….Daaaisy Daaaiissssy.

    • Smokahontas

      Dave’s not here, man.

  • baconzgood

    Where is MST3K when you need it?

  • xy

    maybe it was David Haller in disguise?

    http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/David_Haller_(Earth-616)

  • Malaclypse

    for me, there seems to be something soothing in listening to SOVEREIGN CITIZENS speak. I watched all 15 minutes of this, have found myself sucked into listening to 10+ minutes of a random traffic stop, etc.

    I’m with the public defender, one of these days, i’ll put the time in to study and try to understand their mumbo-jumbo

    • doktorzoom

      I can see how it would be relaxing. It’s definitely White Noise.

      • Beaumarchais?

        So racist!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Once you think they have the answers, they change the questions. Best of luck!

      • Master Contrail Program

        This Citizen Court does not recognize the laws of the English language, sirrah!

      • Zippy

        It’s legal Calvinball…

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      I wasted an entire weekend reading their bullshit. Turns out I could have watched King of the Hill reruns and gotten a more cohesive philosophy from Rusty Shackleford quotes.

    • Master Contrail Program

      I’ve nearly cracked the code! ” Be-sure-to-drink-your-Ovaltine. ” A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!

  • Anarchy Pony

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Which David Hall are you? The really stupid one, or the even stupider one?”

  • DerrickWildcat

    The Settler and Agent should have been cited for contempt.

    • nmmagyar

      Person and Individual also, too. It is a truism that the man who represents himself has a fool for a client.

      • DerrickWildcat

        10,000 bond for Person. 10,000 bond for Individual.

        • nmmagyar

          And a 10,000 sanction for the attorney

          • Zippy

            maybe hiring Dr Gonzo wasn’t such a good idea afterall…

        • Beaumarchais?

          Same as downtown!

    • natoslug

      It sounds like the Person David Hall is lucky that the judge didn’t quadruple all charges to cover the Setter, Agent, Person and Individual.

    • Pickwicknext

      Settler only allowed out if deportation to Catan confirmed

  • Goposaur

    Gold braid, gold braid I tells ya!

  • Before those video court ruined it all, Nashville used to have real live ‘Night Court’ with a real live judge and real live defendants, and the public was welcome to attend. They even ran weekly highlights on the local public access channel.

    I went a few times to drive home friends who got a bit too likkered up at bars and honky tonks. It was free, and it was the best darn show in town.

    • Pickwicknext

      Apparently the NYC one is a big touist thingie. But I did read thaton the interwebs…

  • CJTX

    Off topic, but how insane is this –
    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/03/miss-lawmakers-pass-bill-letting-churches-appoint-unaccountable-soldiers-of-god-as-armed-security/

    “The Republican-dominated Mississippi state Senate approved a bill on Tuesday allowing churchgoers carry concealed firearms without a permit while also allowing churches to designate and train members to serve as armed security.”

    • beingreleased

      I’d want a gun in a Mississippi church. Those people are crazy.

      • Smokahontas

        Testify!

    • Hutch

      Well! This should thin the herd. Or flock.

    • anna rampage

      50 years from now, Jesus’s message of turn the other cheek will be distorted into “lock & load and light that bitch up”….

    • That will end well – somebody gettin’ a free, unexpected trip right up to Heaven!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Maybe the different congregations will have a Race to the Rapture, and leave everyone else alone.

    • nmmagyar

      So long as they aim high enough to miss the children, I don’t really have a problem with it

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      That is pretty fucked up. Should it not be up to the church to allow or not allow such a thing? Is the GOP now overriding religious freedom?

      Edit: I am wondering how far this law will stand when the black churches start having armed security guards standing outside 24/7.

    • kaw143

      Okay, now turn the other cheek so I can blast it to smithereens, too.

    • PubOption

      We will soon find if the guns are more lethal than the snakes.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Kids, settlers, agents and individuals in the Hall.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Oh my name is David Hall, David Hall

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss_KyPfM1es

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “I don’t understand. This brilliant defense always works in Ayn Rand novels.”

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      “Damn those judges and their higher-than-sixth-grade reading levels!”

    • Master Contrail Program

      One day I’ll get out, and make my own Hall’s Gulch! With Blackjack, and hookers, and guns!!!1!1

      • nmmagyar

        …and meth. It IS Florida

        • Master Contrail Program

          That’s like saying, “We simply must go breathing together sometime.” It’s assumed.

    • Be Gin

      In the toilet paper universe of Ayn Rand that defense always takes 300 pages and the ability to put everyone else to sleep.

      The judge was having him some fun and wasn’t nodding off.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    If anyone wants to know about settlor functions vs. administration expenses I can refer you to the extensive guidance provided by the EBSA.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=K8E_zMLCRNg

  • ken_kukec

    The individual agent who appears in court representing someone with his name has a fool for his person.

  • The “I know you are but what am I” defense has always been overated.

    • Master Contrail Program

      If the authentic country gibberish does fit, you must acquit!

  • Master Contrail Program

    Your perpetrator is the guy above my bathroom sink, your honor. However, let the so-called court take note that I am in reminiscence of, but legally dissimilar to that entity, herein, per se.

    • Smokahontas

      However, as the agent of said individual in the mirror, I will humbly ask that said individual change his ways.

      • Be Gin

        Mirror Magic?

        Don’t they teach that at Hogwarts?

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Heretofore and wherewithal not withstanding.

      • nmmagyar

        Ipso facto, don’t forget that one

        • Vegan and Tiara

          This is implied punitive hearsay!

    • kaw143

      The party of the first part shall be known in this court as the party of the first part. How do you like that? It’s pretty catchy, no?

      • Pickwicknext

        Just watch out for the insanity clause!

        • kaw143

          HAHAHAHA! You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Claus.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Damn, that was a thing of beauty! For those Wonquistas who don’t watch the videos, make an exception for this gem.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Seconded. I kind of wish we had an HD version.

  • LegionOfDo

    I know people who believe this crap. Some of them are currently engaged in a discussion about why the income tax is unconstitutional. Well, not so much of the ‘why’, but more of the ‘it just is, CHECKMATE!’

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      That’s what’s so great about them; their logic is fucking flawless. “The income tax is unconstitutional because this pamphlet with a picture of Thomas Jefferson on it says it is not constitutional and the UCC doesn’t say anything about income tax.”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        A member of the board of a non-profit I worked with tried to tell me and a volunteer sysadmin that we had to accept her argument because it was logical. The volunteer sysadmin admitted it was logical, but the premises the argument were based on were hooey.

        • Anarchy Pony

          It’s like coding, garbage in, garbage out.
          Who can explain that?
          If you start from flawed assumptions, you’re gonna reach bullshit conclusions.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I think these folks all took philosophy 101, got as far as valid and sound, and then wandered off to masturbate for the rest of the term.

          • Master Contrail Program

            Did you get the course syllabus for my six-week law degree from Everest University by mistake?

          • kaw143

            Well, I’d be able to focus on my studies a little better if everyone would stop posting pictures of Justin Trudeau.

          • AnOuthouse

            You make it sound so appealing, who wouldn’t.

          • Aquaria

            That’s because the ideas that make them learn why that shit doesn’t fly is Philosophy 102: Introduction to Logic.

            You know, the class that scares off most morons, and flunks out the rest who think they can hack it.

    • beingreleased

      There was a Planet Money episode about a guy who thought he’d found an income tax loophole. Spoiler: he didn’t.

    • ThirdAmendmentMan

      I had someone try to claim that to me. I pointed out the 16th Amendment explicitly makes it constitutional. They got confused.

      • kaw143

        The usual claim is that the 16th Amendment wasn’t properly ratified because so-and-so wasn’t a state so they couldn’t vote for it or such and such WAS and they voted against it. Arglebargle it’s in my special history book, SO THERE!

        • Jared James

          The traditional alternative is the D.C. incorporation law (uniting the VA and MD parts of the District) abolished the Constitution in 1871, so the Sixteenth Amendment (and sometimes the Fourteenth and whichever other ones they don’t like) don’t count.

          • kaw143

            Ooooh. I hadn’t heard that one, before. It’s always refreshing to get a whiff of fresh bullshit.

            …Wait. Not “refreshing”. What’s that other word? Oh, yeah, that’s it: revolting.

          • Smokahontas

            I am taking notes for the next time old Smokodad calls! Thank you, Wonketariat! I’ve been trying to use rational cognition which has had very limited impact. I look forward to unsane constitutional discussions going forward!

          • Jared James

            It was new to me yesterday, when I saw a link to a Youtube video (of course) which explained all about it. Sounded pretty clever, if you could get past the part where the speaker didn’t know the difference between maxim and maximum and that Africa is not a country.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        Which Constitution? The real one? or the counterfeit one they replaced it with after the lawyers colluded with their counterparts from the British Accredited Registry to steal the original?

        • Anarchy Pony

          The lizard people are really good at law magic.

          • kaw143

            Oh, you’re just jealous because you CAN’T SEE THE TRUTH!

    • kaw143

      You could explain to them that the Federal tax code was made possible by a popular referendum. Essentially, your great-great grandparents demanded it, and then codified it into the Constitution. And if you don’t like it, you should probably be open to the idea of discussing whether or not certain amendments still apply in a modern context.

      I’m certain that will go over very well.

      • LegionOfDo

        They would just counter with the argument that it’s all fiat currency anyway, and that I am a dumb stupid.

    • AnOuthouse

      There was an amendment and everything.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Why do they think if they can ignore our legal system that the legal system won’t just ignore their bullshit?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      There can be only one sovereign. It’s like Highlander.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Diplomatic Immunity?

    • BadKitty904

      Dementia?

      • conium

        Call it what you please but it was likely meth.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      It is funny how quick they cling to said legal system the minute they think it will work for them though. Case in point:The bundiests demanding “their day in court”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      All fun and games…until that cell door snaps shut. And somebody puts their eye out.

  • baconzgood

    Clarence Darrow he is not.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      He’s not even a Hamilton Burger

      • Vegan and Tiara

        He’s not even a Hamilton Nolan.

      • Markuserektus

        F. Lee Bailey?

    • Objectifer

      He could probably teach Larry Klayman a thing or two though.

  • Master Contrail Program

    The remnants of Y’all Qaeda are heading to Florida as we speak.

    • Pickwicknext

      Honestly, other than the “rancher” aspect, I was deeply shocked they weren’t all from Florida in the first place.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Nope, they’re the Cracker Crusaderz here. Like Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr..

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Most of em were not even ranchers.

  • URQ196

    Is he related to Cliven Bundy?

    • eddi

      Guess who gets pride of place in a lot of SovCit. shrines these days?

  • Joshua Norton

    This is why Thorazine is a thing.

    • Pickwicknext

      Yummy!

    • Master Contrail Program

      Thor Azine was my stage name when I worked at a strip club. I was a bouncer, so it worked on several levels.

      • Master Contrail Program

        As any one who has ever seen me dance can also confirm.

      • DemmeFatale

        Go on…

        • Master Contrail Program

          Well the co-owner told me to watch the girls, but don’t watch them dance, as my primary job duty. Kept the old gray matter turning on that riddle, as I sat(VIP cashier) or stood (doorman) in a near empty titty bar half the time.

          • DemmeFatale

            My daughter in Israel designs/constructs costumes for a strip/burlesque club in Tel Aviv. They have “shows” she designs for. She says most of the clubs have their own costume shops, as these types of clothes, (lots of spandex, of course), aren’t easily available, and the mail is very unreliable. The club doesn’t open until 11:00pm(!). Apparently, this is a very foreign concept to the Israelis, but not to the Russians that run it.

          • Master Contrail Program

            I can confirm the in-house lingerie/costume shops. Shop may be overstating things at most places, though.

    • kaw143

      Oh, please:

      https://youtu.be/RyATCim_vKk?t=52m50s

      And, uh, you probably don’t want to watch all of that. Unless you do. I don’t judge.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      …and vodka.

      • kaw143

        Oooh! Thorazine for them, vodka for us! It’s the circle of life. . .

        • Pickwicknext

          That sounds way better than all those stupid animals…(disclaimer: lion king hated for snark purposes only)

          • Vegan and Tiara

            We all know you sing Circle of Life in the shower, Pickwicknext!

          • Pickwicknext

            My shower mix is as follows:
            Personal Jesus-Cash
            Afraid of Americans, Rebel, Rebel, & Suffragette City- Bowie, natch
            Float On & Lampshades on Fire- Modest Mouse
            Bring da Noize-MIA
            WTF– Queen Missy E
            Best Day of My life- American Authors
            Berzerk- Eminem
            Killing in the Name of- Rage

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Oh, sure,that’s your shower mix, Pickwicknext, I totally believe you…CIRCLE OF LIFE!!!!!!

          • Vegan and Tiara

            My shower mix is a vodka with club soda. :-)

  • Master Contrail Program

    Forget it, Jake. It’s Floridatown. *

    * Pithy comment applicable to no less than 5 Wonkette, Fark, Or News Of The Weird articles per day.

  • Be Gin

    So do they get this stuff from…what?

    A video game? Taxi Driver school? Other barflies?

    • Anarchy Pony
      • eddi

        Always worth re-reading. But I still get a headache from trying to keep up.
        edit: this time I made a PDF so I can go slower and have a pillow handy when I slam my face on the desk.

    • Jared James

      Mainly other barflies. It’s Florida.

      • Be Gin

        ;>)

    • Vegan and Tiara

      A judge told me they get it from the Internet.

      • Be Gin

        Surely not!
        To get anything from the Internet requires reading skills and…and… (palm to forehead)the ability to start a video.

        Oh man we really are all doomed aren’t we?

        • Vegan and Tiara

          It was nice knowin’ ya, civilization!
          I really think we’re headed back to the Dark Ages at the rate we’re dumbifying.

        • eddi

          Back to the trees! Oh wait, we cut them all down. Back to the caves! Full of toxic waste. Back to the ocean? Walk on the plastic crap… Guess we have to stick it out.

          • Be Gin

            Every time I stick it out some cop shows up and tells me to put it back.

          • eddi

            ?…

    • kaw143

      The Rupert Pupkin School of Reality.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Florida. The United States’ limp dick that we can’t stop talking about or stare at. It’s the promise of NASCAR, Pro Football and 1800s battlefield viewing all rolled into one, humongous human damage.
    Enter Tim Dorsey, author and former Tampa Tribune reporter. This is not epic prose, all his books follow the same simple formula, but they describes Florida like no one else. If you need some simple, pass the time brain candy, I recommend his stuff.
    One of the protagonists is a serial killer. He’s one of the good guys…

    • Meccalopolis

      have to check that out. always thought macdonald’s travis mcgee nailed FLA. hiassen to a lesser extent

      • Jonny On Maui

        I will have to check too, thanks!

    • Aquaria

      Oh, I don’t know. Carl Hiaasen seems to write about the insanity that is Florida rather well.

      Florida still has a way to go to be as loonie as Texas, Mississippi and Alabama, and nobody touches Louisiana for corrupt governments. There’s a reason the statehouse in Baton Rouge is a giant penis.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’ll check Carl out. Thanks!

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    I haven’t been able to peruse all 322 comments yet, but if this vid has not been posted yet, may god have mercy on your soul.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yptXkLglKkA

    It’s one of the peaks of Sandler’s moat of a career.

    • Pickwicknext

      It’s probably not good that my favourite character is Bradley Whitford’s right?

    • Ionlylikecats

      My response to the entire Republican party

  • Vegan and Tiara

    I had some personal experience with this. I heard a judge say to a sheriff “you need to evict that woman, I don’t care what mumbo jumbo she comes up with. She can claim to be a sovereign citizen all day long, but she needs to go. Bring a tank to get her out of there if you have to.” I asked him where people came up with the “sovereign citizen” bullshit, and he said “I think the Internet.” Way to go, Internet!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The simpleminded and the interwebz are a dangerous combination.

      • Ionlylikecats

        They just use it to coopt and take advantage of for their own uses without even sort of understanding it. And then regurgitate their corruption of it to others.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Throw in alcohol and you’ve got yourself the perfect trifecta of dumbfuckery.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Definitely the Internets – my nephew’s best friend’s uncle filled him with some of this nonsense when he was fifteen.”Look,” he told me. “I don’t need to get a “license” to drive, and I don’t have to pay taxes as a Sovereign Citizen”. I told him good luck with that, and took my nephew to the License Bureau. Guess which one is driving today?….

      • Vegan and Tiara

        I love that they’re delusional enough to think that if they tell a judge “hey, man, I don’t have to live by your laws” that the judge is going to say “well, say, you know what, I’ve never looked at it like that. Please, continue to drive around drunk and not pay your taxes, good sir.” They don’t really get the whole “society” concept.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “Sorry to inform the defendant that ‘the Man has been keeping me down’ does not carry any legal weight.”

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I guess Superfly V. “The Man” doesn’t hold any weight with today’s judiciary. A man just can’t live by his own rules and code anymore.

        • eddi

          Selfish kids “grow up” and stay selfish.

        • Aquaria

          I think they should get the Benjamin Butler reply that if you’re not American citizens, then you are citizens of a foreign government, and thus do not enjoy the rights of American citizens. We’ll just deport your sorry asses. And then we put THEM on a long bus ride to Mexico City.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I represented a guy who went to prison because someone convinced him that all he (a convicted felon) had to do to legally carry a gun was file some bullshit form in the County Clerk’s office. The judge had a little pity for his gullibility, and sentenced him to 2-5 years rather than the 5-15 the State wanted.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Oh this stuff predates the internet, although that has allowed it to spread far and wide.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Sovereign Citizen” is an inherent oxymoran, but these morans don’t get it.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Don’t you call my ox an moran!

      • Vegan and Tiara

        I’m not sure if I need fewer, or more, crazy pills in my vodka, but something has got to give. The stupid, and the crazy, is starting to burn.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Near as I can tell, “sovereign citizen” is a euphemism for “I refuse to get a job or pay my bills”.

    • eddi

      Also “I am too stupid to understand that I cannot get away with these crimes just because I think the laws don’t apply to me.”

    • Anarchy Pony

      Also for “I only obey the law when it’s convenient.”

    • D_C_Wilson

      “I want the benefit of having public roads and infrastructure without having to contribute toward maintaining them.”

      • Anarchy Pony

        So despite the fact that they deny being corporate “persons” they do act like corporations…

        • D_C_Wilson

          Yep.

      • Radardude

        Nor obey societal norms. I cannot count the number of times I’ve been passed on I-10 while driving 75 by monstrous SUVs whose wake vortexes caused my car to shudder. Obligatory they had a Romney/Ryan bumper sticker and depending on age McCain/Palin or Bush/Cheney as well as “Support your local Police.” Speed limit on I-10 is 70 so I cheated some too, also, as well.

  • Callyson

    Anyone else here watching this GOP town hall? Because I can’t listen to any of them without the snark from you good Wonkers…

    • SayItWithWookies

      Yes — Anderson Cooper and Ted Cruz talk about Corey Lewandowski — this should be entertaining.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ted Cruz is going to win 1237 delegates — I can’t wait for the race between Odious and Odiouser (no, I don’t know which is which).

    • Callyson

      All of them, Katie.

  • eddi

    OT but some amateur science to offset any brain ache. Impact on Jupiter observed.
    http://mashable.com/2016/03/29/jupiter-impact-astronomer-videos/#MjDrZXHiqSqW

    • cynmac

      I heard about that. thanks for sharing.

      • eddi

        Just a few pixels, but so vital.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So only Cruz and Trump can be on the ballot if there are no candidates with a majority at the convention? Even if the vote is open?

    • Callyson

      Canadian Anchor Baby is counting on the GOP to stick with that rule that you have to have won at least eight states. Making that person the compelling choice!!!

  • Callyson

    “Politically correct!” DRINK!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ted Cruz calls President Obama’s behavior “bizarre” — because he won’t say “radical Islam.” I’m glad the expression police are hard at work in the GOP.

    • Callyson

      We won’t call the terrorists Islamic when that’s just what they want us to do, so we’re losing!!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Ted Cruz calls President Obama’s behavior ‘bizarre'”

      This is text book projection.

      • UncleTravelingMatt

        I, too, find Obama’s behavior bizarre. Any sane person would have long ago called a press conference and said “look, I ain’t movin’ out until you guys get serious about finding someone who can do my job.”

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      Catching/killing bin Laden was far less important than selecting the proper adjective to describe him.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Islam is or Islam ain’t my baby”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Good lord — Cruz is defending the NYPD’s spying on Muslims in the city, which gained no intelligence and made no arrests. Let’s just alienate people, so they don’t become radicalized.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Are these the same ones that were cheering in New Jersey on 9/11?

      • SayItWithWookies

        We’d have to ask Donald Trump, who saw it with his own eyes — which means we’d have to listen to a 20-minute digression about how awesome Donald Trump is. So nobody knows.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I asked him about that…he told me he was really rich and talked about how hot his daughter is.

        • D_C_Wilson

          15 minutes just on his hands.

      • Anarchy Pony

        There were millions of them!

    • eddi

      Then lock them in their proper ghetto. Next door to the Jews, Mexicans, Blacks, Poles, Italians, Irish.. who’d I miss?

  • SayItWithWookies

    No-go zones! I knew he’d bring this shit up again. And no, Ted — Mollenbeek is not that scary a place and it’s not a no-go zone, you blithering fool.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      From the guy that thought Belgium was a city.

  • Callyson

    Anderson Cooper: But you don’t have proof that Trump planted the National Enquirer story.

    Canadian Anchor Baby: That rag endorsed him! What more proof do you need?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Cruz, differentiating himself from Trump: “I keep the focus on the issues” — the made up ones, but the issues.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The issues are important ones…who ran that picture of Melinia in Utah, who tweeted the side by side comparisons of Heidi and Melinia…

      Etc, etc.

      • eddi

        Waffling about Belgium…

  • Callyson

    TED CRUZ says that candidates shouldn’t wear their religion on their sleeve? Dafuq? He pimps out talks about his Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs all the fucking time FFS!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      And believes he was anointed by God to do so.

    • Msmlg1979

      He DIDN’T?!! Hahahaaaa!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Audience member Tom Doherty blasphemes by asking if maybe religion shouldn’t be part of one’s political decisions. And now Teddy boy says politicians shouldn’t wear their faith on their sleeve. Has Ted Cruz been paying attention to Ted Cruz’s campaign?

    • eddi

      Why should he? Nobody else has.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “The Bill of Rights protects all Americans — it protects atheists!” But Ted Cruz aims to fix that.

  • Callyson

    Oh Jesus, some audience member wants us to send troops to Syria and fight an all-out war. If my Syrian-American grandfather were not already dead, hearing that would have killed him FFS…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Fight who, exactly? Isis? Assad? About 800 different militias? Bet that idiot couldn’t point to Syria on a map.

    • Anarchy Pony

      You can’t fight an all out war against a rebel insurgency, FFS.

      • eddi

        “Kill them all and let God sort it out”. Same bunch circa 1960s Vietnam. That went well as I remember.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh should we send “overwhelming force” into Syria? Why the hell not let two groups who hate us fight amongst themselves?
    And what’s Cruz’s answer? A long digression about Libya.

    • Callyson

      He REALLY is not ready to be commander in chief. The only person who is even less prepared for that responsibility is Donald Trump…

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Hey, he went to yuppie military school. He’s better trained than most of our Special Forces.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Toppling a government that’s handed over to radical terrorists is a bad idea.” Okay, so what are you going to do? Yes, Libya sucked, and Syria is a mess — oh, “our focus should be on utterly and completely destroying ISIS.” So what if that keeps Assad in power?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Details, shmetails…

  • Callyson

    Anderson is doing a decent job of exposing the ignorance of Canadian Anchor Baby with regard to the Middle East. Here’s hoping he does the same with TehRump FFS.

  • Biff52

    Damn, just got home and forgot this was going on…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Maybe time to turn around and head back to the bar?

      • Biff52

        Worse–AT&T store for a new phone…

    • Callyson

      Glad you are here. I need to hear from as many of you good Wonkers as possible to get through this crap.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Cruz — he didn’t mean to say “carpet bombing,” obviously, but he’s too goddamn stubborn to change his terminology or admit the phrase doesn’t apply. So he blathers on about the number of attacks. More bombing does not always equal a better offensive, Ted, especially with a bunch of guys in trucks with no actual country.

    • Biff52

      Sovereign Citizens don’t need no cuntry!

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      You obviously don’t remember when the Vietnamese surrendered to the Air Force.

    • DemmeFatale

      This is what makes me nuts when Drumpf or the Canadian says it.
      Bomb where?!
      They act like we can just bomb the hell out of anyone, anywhere!!
      Nooooo! That’s not how it works!!!
      (Now I will throw myself on the floor and have a temper tantrum!)

  • Biff52

    Arm Kurds! Kill ISIS! It’s so simple!

    • eddi

      Start a major war on the Anatolian Peninsula. Get NATO then us dragged into fighting a no-winner war with both sides hating our guts no matter what happens. Isn’t he cute folks? Let’s give him a big hand (or foot)

    • Master Contrail Program

      Place your armies. Roll the three red dice. Kick their ass. Draw a card. Match three cards to get more armies. We already get five armies for holding North America, right? Terrific, just terrific. Yeah, I got this.

  • Callyson

    Voter: Ted, tell us about a time you fucked up.

    Ted Cruz: Fuck, that’s a tough question.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ted, Obama doesn’t want to arm the Kurds to the point where they’re a threat to Turkey — and Turkey’s already bombing the Kurds on the pretext of fighting terrorists, and it’s a delicate balance. But sure, throw out a simplistic answer.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The world is just a teensy bit more complicated than The Donald or Rafael imagine it is.

  • Biff52

    Free market teenager. Right.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Are those as tender as the free ranges ones?

      • Biff52

        Still punchable, so I’ma say yes?

  • SayItWithWookies

    His worst failing is that he believes passionately in the Constitution? Awww, Ted — you can do better than that, you narcissistic fuck.

    • eddi

      Another one of those things that has been in his Inbox waiting to be read since he was anointed Senator.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And who tortured and imprisoned your father in Cuba, dumbass? Batista, not Castro. Say it.

    • eddi

      It was Obama’s fault.

  • Callyson

    Canadian Anchor Baby wants to revive the whole “the Democrats are communists!!!” crap? Going to be a long night…

    https://media.giphy.com/media/10A2qk8IALiPug/giphy.gif

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “It’s 1958 calling, Senator Cruz. They’re wondering where their communists went.”

      • eddi

        Hiding under the bed from Tailgunner Ted. (poetry not intended)

      • Master Contrail Program

        Boishe Moi!! Da. Is true tovarishch, you have found us.

    • DemmeFatale

      He SO wishes he was Roy Cohn (without the ghey, of course).

      Rickman!!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    President Obama palled around with Castro — making Cruz’s dad jealous, probably.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well — anybody find out what Ted Cruz’s greatest failing was in that lengthy line of bullshit? I certainly didn’t hear anything close.

    • Callyson

      His inability to answer a question he does not like?

      • WhyFelicia

        Feature, not bug.

  • Callyson

    Voter: Can’t you set a better example for the children?

    Canadian Anchor Baby: Today’s kids are SOL.

  • kaw143

    Oh, hey! I just remembered I have CNN, again! I can watch along!

    …Uh, why did I remember this? WHY, WHY, WHY?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Because most of the time it’s not actually news?

    • Callyson

      Because we need all the snark from all the Wonkers. It’s OK, honey, we’re here for you too!

  • SayItWithWookies

    RawStory.com has a livestream, for those of you (unlike Kaw143) who don’t have cable.

    • kaw143

      I HAVE CABLE!

      Does that mean I’m a Syrian refugee, probably?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Typing too fast, I was.

        • kaw143

          Heh. I was going for excited, as opposed to mad. This is literally within the last week, for me. The thing is, I’m so used to not having it, I’ve kinda’ forgotten how to just … watch TV. I’m not at all certain this is a bad thing.

  • Biff52

    MOOO!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, Lordy, Ted — the EPA is not crushing the American farmer. But less regulations are, of course, the GOP panacea.

  • Callyson

    Canadian Anchor Baby: It paid off when Arizona did the immigrant bashing, so let’s keep that up!

  • kaw143

    This is so cute. He’s talking about reading something that isn’t Dr. Seuss.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      When he reads Dr. Seuss, he doesn’t get the moral of the story, which I was able to suss out when I was five.

  • Biff52

    Tell us about Peter Piper, Rafael!

  • kaw143

    You know who else picked a peck of pickled peppers?

    • Msgr_Moment

      She who sells seashells by the seashore?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Cruz on Arizona: “A great many of the illegal immigrants left.” So did just plain hispanics, Ted — they couldn’t stand the virulent racism.

  • Msmlg1979

    Question for those watching. More coherent- David Hall or Trump/Cruz?

    • Callyson

      David Hall, for sure. At least he was amusing without hurting anyone other than himself FFS.

    • Biff52

      Both guys without a country, tough choice.

    • SayItWithWookies

      At least Hall has some consistency, warped though it may be. I’d say, from most coherent to least — Cruz, Hall, Trump. But they’re all below chimpanzees and most dogs and cats.

  • Callyson

    Um, Ted, you dumbass, Arizona’s spending has gone down because of DEVASTATING BUDGET CUTS, not clamping down on immigration.

    And as for the job growth, I am glad to hear you acknowledge that the economy has improved on Obama’s watch.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ah, Arizona — the xenophobic success story. This needs to be fact-checked.

    • kaw143

      Racism is good. Racism works. — Gordon Gekko.

  • kaw143

    Legal good. Illegal bad! — Congressman Frankenstein, probably.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, Sonny Bono — at least he was amusing. Before he got to Congress.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Should have never gone on the stump.

      What? Too soon?

      • eddi

        Strike me up a gum tree.

  • Biff52

    Does reagan in an ad count?

    • Biff52

      Fukkit–DRINK!

    • Callyson

      I read that as “reagan in anal.” I have been reading Wonkette WAY too long!

      • glasspusher

        Wonkette would never demean the beauty of buttsechs in such a base manner.

        • Biff52

          I’ve seen Drumpf butt-plugs, I’m sure Rule 34 will provide.

          • kaw143

            Land of Confusion, indeed.

      • kaw143

        Reagan in anal get you TWO drinks. In your bunk.

        Or years of electroshock therapy. Your choice.

        • eddi

          Dial the voltage to “LOOK OUT!” and hand me the paddles. [uses them for ear muffs]

      • Master Contrail Program

        I’m sure Gipper Porn is a thing in some dark corner of the internet. Truth be told, we’ve been exposed to the literary and oratory versions of it for quite some time.

        • Master Contrail Program

          “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to anounce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing Soviet milfs. We begin boning in five minutes.” (80s porn music plays)

  • Pickwicknext

    Aw. I’m missing another Republican debate/town hall/ clusterfuck disaster? Damn shame I work nights all the time.

    • kaw143

      That’s usually my liver’s saving grace. Alas, I am off tonight.

      • Pickwicknext

        Also too, I do not have cable and would much rather watch “8 Out of 10 Cats does Countdown”

  • kaw143

    Is it just me, or is Cruz starting to look like a figure made out of play-dough that’s gotten a bit too melty?

    • Biff52

      Claymation! I used to love that stuff!

      • SDGeoff

        One of my best friends named her breasts after Pokey and Gumby.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh great — the livefeed’s sound is fucking up. On the bright side, it won’t make Ted sound any less presidential.

    • kaw143

      It will make him sound more truthful, though.

  • Callyson

    Andeson: Are you still going to support the GOP nominee even if it is TehRump?

    Canadian Anchor Baby: Fuck that: I’m standing by my woman!

    Anderson: So answer the question: will you support him?

    Canadian Anchor Baby: I’m going to beat him.

    Anderson: So will you answer the question?

    Canadian Anchor Baby: That evasion is the best you are going to get!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ted, I hope your daughters are not brought up in this campaign — except for that adorable one who refuses to kiss you.

  • kaw143

    BeatBallotBox: cats and boots, cats and boots.

  • kaw143

    “Thank you for your question. Now, let me answer a question that I just asked myself in my own mind.”

  • Callyson

    “Political correctness!” DRINK!

    God, I am glad I am putting off the IRL drinking until after this clusterfuck ends, or I would pass out before The Donald even gets started FFS…

    • kaw143

      OH, GOD! THEY’RE DOING TRUMP, TOO?

      I won’t wake up for days. . .

      • Callyson

        My guess is he will go on last (they would lose viewers if they put Kasich last) so you’ve got a chance.

  • Biff52

    Wait–now he’s a Floridian? That actually ‘splains a lot.

    • eddi

      Ich bin ein Miamian!

      • Master Contrail Program

        Except this guy really is a jelly donut.

  • Biff52

    Alooha Ackbar! It’s a Hawaiian trap!

  • Callyson

    Voter: What are you going to do for the wimmenz?

    Canadian Anchor Baby: I have strong women in my family, so…I’ll be great!

  • Dorothy Nelson

    Can someone tell me why all these Ted Cruz comments are on the sovereign citizen in FLA thread?

    • kaw143

      We traditionally take over the last thread of the day for this kind of thing. Sometimes, the editrix provides us with a special thread to play in.

      • SDGeoff

        She is most kind, she is.

      • Dorothy Nelson

        Ah. I was wondering what I was missing. :-) Carry on!

        • Biff52

          Join in! Tune in CNN…

    • Lambsendbeds

      Because there isn’t a separate thread for the Cruz Town Hall, I guess.

      • eddi

        We are trying to save Rebecca some brain cells.

    • eddi

      Town hall meeting of the minds being live-blogged by the Wonkette snark mob.

    • Msmlg1979

      ‘Cause we say what we want, when we want. We’re individuals, and agents.

      • Biff52

        But not persons, because that would be weird.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Since comments aren’t allowed, it doesn’t matter which thread you don’t post them in.

    • Biff52

      Because nobody is the boss of us!

  • Callyson

    Wait–how can someone be a computer programmer without knowing how to type? Is that even possible?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Easy — you just need to be able to punch the holes in the cards with extreme accuracy. And know binary.

      • Callyson

        Ah–not being a technical person I didn’t know that. Thanks for the explanation!

        • SayItWithWookies

          Really just to emphasize the absurdity that would take — not a straight-up answer.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Sooo, not a person.

    • eddi

      Touch typing is not really a needed skill for programming. It never was.

  • kaw143

    What an inspiring story. NOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

    • eddi

      Almost as good as Trump these days.

  • Callyson

    Yo, Canadian Anchor Baby? This story about your mom is nice and everything, but would you please answer the voter’s fucking question?

  • Biff52

    Stop campaigning against Obama, you fucking fuck!

    • Callyson

      Hard to break old habits. I fully expect the GOP to be campaigning against Obama in 2020.

      • Msgr_Moment

        “Keep Obama a three-term President!”

      • eddi

        Justice Obama if the gods really are crazy.

      • SDGeoff

        It was a while before they couldn’t blame President Clinton anymore so they finally had to stfu.

        • kaw143

          I bet they are SO HAPPY to be able to reuse all of those talking points, now. Saves ’em from even trying to think. Thanks, Hitlery!

  • kaw143

    “How are you going to get women to vote for you?”

    MY GRAMMY’S VOTING FOR ME!

  • SayItWithWookies

    The sound is still completely hosed on the livefeed — brb after reboot — for which I will suffer if Ted Cruz can be understood.

  • kaw143

    Every issue is a women’s issue. Except abortion. You don’t get an opinion on that one, you sluts.

  • Biff52

    I’m sorry Obama killed your son…

  • Callyson

    I did not think this was possible, but I am almost starting to feel sorry for Republican voters for their choices in this election.

    I said almost

    • Msgr_Moment

      Poison or being shot? I think the NRA has its own idea who they should vote for.

    • DemmeFatale

      1st grade daughter: “Mom, what is a Republican?”
      Me: “Someone who doesn’t care about other people. They only care about themselves. Don’t worry, you”ll never be one.”

      (Now she works for a family law firm, and schools me when she doesn’t think I’m being liberal enough.)

    • malsperanza

      You do not need to feel sorry for Republicans. They are in pig-heaven right now.

      In 2008 the GOP managed to choose an actual contender, who might have won. The Tea Party was enraged at the selection of a RINO. In 2012 the party chose someone a little less electable, but still moderate enough perhaps to make a strong showing. The base was furious.

      This year, the base was not gonna let those Republican voters in blue states manipulate the primary system. This year, the base was gonna get what it wanted. And it did. In fact, it managed to get two perfect candidates–one an extremist theocrat whose idea of governing is to shut down government; the other an incoherent rage monkey without a thought or an idea in his head.

      SO HARD TO CHOOSE.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Just tuned into CNN. How many mistresses diid Smugface McCanadian admit to so far?

    • kaw143

      He admitted to the Enquirer making all of them up because they are in the pocket of Big Trump.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I thought they were in bed with Big Mistress.

  • kaw143

    Wait. Giving veterans the ability to choose a doctor? SOUNDS LIKE OBAMACARE, YOU RINO!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Cruz is a socialist. Most Canadians are. Science.

  • Biff52

    ..

  • Callyson

    Canadian Anchor Baby: Americans are on drugs and it’s all Mexico’s fault!

    Asshole, if you talk to actual Mexicans they will tell you that without the demand in the US, the Mexican drug dealers would be out of business, stat…

    • eddi

      Legalize them and get the same effect.

      • Msmlg1979

        No demand. No supply. 3rd grade economics, still unmastered by so many.

        • eddi

          There would be a demand. But being legal it would be a for-profit industry. California poppy farms outgrowing all of Asia.

          • Msmlg1979

            Yes, and not supply from violent Mexican cartels!

          • eddi

            They would rejoin the Federales and go back to beating up peasants for their protection rackets. (sigh) Some things take more work to get right. Which is not to say give up, of course. Just be ready for shit to fly from unexpected directions.

          • Msmlg1979

            We humans always find a way to fuck things up, and hurt one another. That much we can always count on.

  • Callyson

    Canadian Anchor Baby: I’m cheesy.

    • Biff52

      He will make America grate again!

      • Anarchy Pony

        Must credit Anarchy Pony!

        • Biff52

          Hive mind!

  • kaw143

    OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! The answer to drug abuse is MOAR RACISM!

  • kaw143

    Favorite food? Cheese.

    Favorite form of expression? SAME!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Smells like? Ditto!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ted’s little favorite food bit reminds me of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. “Charlie, have you been eating cheese again?!”

    • Biff52

      He’s prolly gonna try to convince us that it was a piece of cheese stuck to his lip last time.

    • Master Contrail Program

      “Beak!”

  • Callyson

    School choice is the civil rights issue of the 21st century?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Enabling parents to send their kids to segregated schools, I think is what he means.

      • Anarchy Pony

        SHHHH! You’re not supposed to say it out loud!

      • SDGeoff

        In (mostly) The South, during the fifties and sixties, there was a building boom of parochial schools of the protestant variety. They were private, run by the churches, and admission was usually reserved for the children of the parish families and their “extended families”. The demographic of these affluent congregations was not what we consider racially diverse.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Sure. Us Fags can marry each other, blahs own themselves now, and we allow wimmen to work for 73% of the pay men get, which is better than the 3/5 of a person thing blahs used to have, so there’s nothing else left.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ted Cruz is going to make a powerful modern workforce by abolishing education. Wheee.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Welfare traps people into dependence. We should free them to starve.”

  • kaw143

    Let’s send five years olds to vocational school!

    • Master Contrail Program

      You know what’s the best thing about sending a six year old to work in a factory?

      How big your products look in their tiny little hands.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Cookie factory? What about more opioid factories?

  • Callyson

    Canadian Anchor Baby: make people stop watching “Gilligan’s Island” and they’ll be fine!

    • Msgr_Moment

      I’ll bet the Professor could fix Obamacare, using only coconuts!

      • Master Contrail Program

        Yet it took years to get off the damn island.

  • kaw143

    Welfare should be a trampoline. Fall on it, and it ricochets you onto the pavement maiming you for life.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Welfare to work succeeded because of the booming economy, dumbass — not because welfare was luxurious. Republicans can’t create a booming economy, so they’re incapable of welfare reform that depends on continued, steady growth.

  • Callyson

    Oh Christ, the Donald is next?

    One–I’m shocked they aren’t saving them until the end.

    Two–Time to brace myself!

    • Biff52

      I’m surprised, too. Kasich will probably be talking to an empty house.

      • eddi

        The janitors have to stay. One major disadvantage of the job.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        It’ll be awkward as the folks on stage slip away one by one.

    • SayItWithWookies

      John Kasich will be the lullaby.

    • kaw143

      Also, too, Trump won’t have his campaign manager to beat up people who ask questions he doesn’t like.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      I think they’ll just cut to regularly scheduled programming for the Kasich portion…

  • MilwaukeeKent

    I was just pulling into the driveway when Ted lost the Dairy Farmer vote but I only caught the first two deflecting answers from Ted, anyone notice if he promised to carpet-bomb all the illegals and the dairy barns they work in?

    • Callyson

      He was completely incoherent on the carpet bombing and wants to bust the balls of the ill eagles. He likes cheese, though, so the dairy barns will be OK.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Trump likes yoooooooooge wheels of cheese. Gouda you not know that?

  • Callyson

    Oh fuck, here he comes…

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Donald, are you an asshole?”

    • Msmlg1979

      Ooooh! I know this one! Asshole Libelz!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    My “drink” trigger will be whenever Donald answers a question directly and accurately.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Teetotaler!

    • Anarchy Pony

      So you’re the designated driver?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Outta booze.

        • eddi

          Brave soul to take this sober. I’m using the commenters as a safety zone. Not having a TV and not wanting to stream this stuff.

          • Anarchy Pony

            Ditto.

  • Callyson

    Anderson: Are you keeping your violent campaign manager?

    TehRump: He’s great! Also, Canadian Anchor Baby is from Canada.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I have great security cameras.” Jesus fucking Christ, Donald — do you have anything that’s not great or awesome? Or that you can shut up about?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Truth = political correctness

  • kaw143

    “He only beat up a couple of bitches, so it’ll be fine. Also, Cruz sucks.”

  • Callyson

    Um, TehRunp, this quote from the reporter is not at all contradictory with what is on tape. Quite the contrary FFS…

    • eddi

      Lie loudly enough and you drown out the truth.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow — Trump blames the victim, says she changed her story, bullshit bullshit bullshit. I cannot believe the assholery this guy serves up with no sense of shame.

    • Msmlg1979

      Bitches be lying is, after all, the most effective defense when you’re accused of violence against women. Tried and true.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Is this Town Hall Open Carry? Booze, I mean.

    • eddi

      Half the non-comments are depending on spell-checkers to stay coherent at this point.

    • Master Contrail Program

      It is at my house.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Has he watched the video?

    • kaw143

      Apparently not.

  • Joshua Norton

    Sorry, dude. Everyone hating you doesn’t make you an outsider. It just means you’re an asshole.

  • Callyson

    “She didn’t even have any expression”

    Um, because she was shocked by what happened and didn’t know what to think? FFS, if you are going to lie make it a plausible one, TehRump…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Donald Trump doesn’t want to ruin Lewandowsky’s life? I guess Corey doesn’t live in a building Trump wants to demolish.

  • kaw143

    “If someone in this audience gets whacked. . .”

    Wait. What?

    • eddi

      One protestor got pepper-sprayed in Wisconsin. He must be dreaming of the day a Drumpher shoots someone at one of his rallies. That will lock up the Reb vote for sure.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “She didn’t act like someone who would have been roughed up” — such a good predictor of behavior, that Donald.

    • DemmeFatale

      OMG!
      I can’t WAIT to see Hillz grab him by the throat, and beat the floor with his flailing body!

      …and then do it with votes!

  • Callyson

    TehRump, you can’t even fucking tell if she lost her sense of balance or not. Just because someone does not actually fall does not fucking mean they weren’t grabbed FFS…

  • Msgr_Moment

    Mr. Trump, what do you think about the neo-Fascists in the Slovakian Parliament?

    • Anarchy Pony

      They’re great, terrific, fascists love me.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    FFS, the fact that radicals in the mideast are behaving worse doesn’t justify your people acting like shit.

    • eddi

      He just throws things out at random. Sometimes they almost make sense. But it is just blind chance the words lined up like that.

  • Callyson

    TehRump: She touched me, so the bitch was asking for it!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Trump: We shouldn’t be prosecuting my campaign manager because people are chopping off heads in the Middle East!

  • cousin itt

    Is the swimsuit competition next?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      I hope not.

    • Msgr_Moment

      The Mistress’ swimsuit competition, or GTFO.

      • eddi

        Now yer talkin’.

    • eddi

      So much for din-din. ?

    • Master Contrail Program

      Nah, feats of strength.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Appropriate!

  • kaw143

    She said he TRIED to throw her to the ground. Not that he did.

    Also, there isn’t a detective in the world who would arrest him, except the ones who did, apparently.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Enough of Biggus Dickus, we want Wodewick!

  • SayItWithWookies

    She deserved it
    She wasn’t hurt
    She changed her story
    She didn’t act like someone who was hurt

    Gee, what does this sound like?

    • cousin itt

      Male chauvinist pig.

      • kaw143

        Huuuuge male chauvinist pig. The biggest. Just tremendous.

    • Msmlg1979

      Rapist.

    • eddi

      Drunken wifebeater smelling of cheap beer and wearing a stained sleeveless T-shirt.

  • Callyson

    “My leadership is very good! Ted Cruz is not from Florida! I stick up for people!”

    Ladies and gentlemen, your leading GOP Presidential candidate…

  • SayItWithWookies

    If Trump talks long enough and throws enough shit at the questioner, the issue will go away simply because the questioner gets exhausted by the nitpicking of every little thing. Oh she had a pen in her hand. Holy fucking bullshit, Trump — you’re a class-A fuckwad.

    • shastakoala

      It might have been a Sharpie.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Unless he’s negotiating with Judge Hurley.

  • Callyson

    Anderson: What do you mean by “I alone can solve”?

    TehRump: Hillary missed a phone call so I’m the only one who is competent!

    • cousin itt

      Solve for A, where A = A Asshole

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        If Karl Rove does math to make republicans feel better, does TehRump do math to make his ferret wig feel better?

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “How willl you solve it?” “I’ll solve it!”

    • Msgr_Moment

      If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it
      Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

    • Master Contrail Program

      Brevity is, after all, the soul of wit. We should be just fine!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Donald Trump will fix the terrorism in Pakistan — okay, that’s rich — since the ISI is basically funding the terrorism in their own country, and nobody’s stopped that since the 1980s. But sure, wade into that quagmire.

  • kaw143

    Now Anderson Cooper is paying people to support Cruz?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Shit, there’s a debate going on?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Town hall — one candidate at a time. On CNN or also RawStory.com is livestreaming it.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Danke, wookies :D Love me a town hall. Sorta an unpaid campaign ad!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “We will fulfill our treaty obligations only if those countries pay us to do so.”

  • Callyson

    TehRump: We should be charging more! Pay up, moochers!

    Yeah, this guy will be a fantastic negotiator…

    • Biff52

      We’ll run the biggest, best protection racket. It’ll be beautiful.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Yooge.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow, Cooper’s getting railroaded in this interview. He may as well just shut up and let Trump talk about himself for the next hour.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    does he have any idea why Japan doesn’t have a “Navy,” an “Army,” or an “Air Force?”

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      No. And in 50 years or so when the world defangs the USA, there will be a few Japanese guys pointing and laughing.

    • kaw143

      You are expecting him to “know things”?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        If he wants to be POTUS? Yeah.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I thought Yamato was a hybrid GMO from that company that is secretly out to feed the world with their LIES.
        Here, it is a space ship. Damn you, intertubes.

      • eddi

        I have got get that soundtrack!

    • eddi

      It is the Japanese Self-Defense Force. Like Canada (hello again) they grouped everyone under one central coordinated command structure. Very logical.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I knew a japenese secret service agent (whatever they call the SS there, I never got the phrase because I suck at languages) who liked to run about nekky and he was so fine.
        So very very fine.
        Anywho, they at least have one secret asian man.

        • eddi

          Oy!?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, such a good idea — nuclear nonproliferation except where we allow nuclear proliferation. What could possibly go wrong?

  • Joshua Norton

    It’s about time for Anderson Cooper to tell Trump that “I will do better than anyone else” isn’t even remotely a plan.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It’s the best plan!

  • Callyson

    TehRump: We can’t afford this shit, so our allies are SOL.

    Um, TehRump honey? We’ll be in a much worse economic position if we back away from our allies and tell them they are on their own FFS…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      The billionaires really want to make us an insulated feudal state. THEY won’t be shaking off the rest of the world, they just want the people to, so that they can control everything and make us love them for it.

      • eddi

        Russian nomenclatura, Chinese ultrawealthy, North Korean rich copying their Chinese bosses. The pattern repeats in space and time. Isolate the peasant and live on their backs. Send the profit away to buy nice things for themselves.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Five year old libel!!!

  • kaw143

    Nuclear global warming? brb. Brain needs to explode.

  • Callyson

    TehRump: I didn’t start it!

    • kaw143

      It was always burnin’ since the world been turning.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Like his hair, America will be forced into taking ridiculous and inhumane positions.

    • That’s not hair, those are sovereign follicles.
      ~

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I thought the picture of Heidi was fine.” right — did you read the caption?

  • Joshua Norton

    I’ll take “Holy shit, this guy is likely a major party’s presidential nominee” for $100, Alex.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Who was Hitler?

  • Callyson

    TehRump: I won Missouri so Cruz can suck it! I would love to talk about issues but I didn’t start it!!! I HOLD GRUDGES!!!!!

    • kaw143

      PRESIDENTIAL!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Jesus Donald — it would’ve been simple enough to say “My wife was a model — this is what models do.” Al Franken had no problem defending his comedy career, for instance — that would be a nice, polite line to follow.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      dunno why Al needs to defend anything. Guy was funny and gosh darn it, people liked him

    • eddi

      Polite and Trump should not to be used together in a properly constructed sentence.

      • Callyson

        Unless you are defining the term “oxymoron.”

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          SAT Question: Trump is to Polite as: ______ is to Logical.

          • eddi

            “Republican”

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            We would have also accepted Libertarian

          • Callyson

            The Republican party platform?

  • SayItWithWookies

    “President Trump is indisposed at the moment — he’s having a tweet war with Rosie O’Donnell. The Russian invasion of Lithuania will simply have to wait.”

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Mr. Trump, I have a question. Do you feel lucky, punk, well, do ya?”

  • kaw143

    Oh, god. I have to turn this off. There isn’t enough booze in the world. . . .

    • eddi

      It’s gonna be a bumpy ride to the White House.

      • kaw143

        I cannot see how anyone can listen to this childish fucker and think, “Yeah! Let’s make him president!”

        • eddi

          45% of Republicans disagree. How many more will come out of their caves and vote for him once he is the only choice? And can the Democrats wake up enough of their voters in time?

  • Callyson

    Voter: After Brussels and Paris, people start bashing Sikhs because they think they are Muslims and also want to hate on Islam. What will you do to help?

    TehRump: Obama won’t talk about Islamic terrorism! I said I’d be great and my ratings went up! No one in Paris was armed so the terrorists won!!! BAN THE MUSLIMS NOW!!!!!!

    • Anarchy Pony

      Seems legit…

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Well, I don;t have to drink on this question. *eyeroll*

  • TootsStansbury

    I wish I still smoked the Pot.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, Trump brings up his ban on Muslims — as an answer to “how do we protect the rights of minority communities.” I guess we’re not going to get an answer.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Short answer: fuck minorities.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Won’t anyone think of the lilly livered chicken shit opressed white male majority?????

      • Robyn Ryan

        It’s Confederate Heritage Month! Rub their noses in it!

  • Callyson

    TehRump: I want to protect religious minorities, but they are a problem!

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I was against the war in Iraq.” Yeah, despite all evidence to the contrary.

    • Callyson

      Well, he was against it after he was for it. Close enough!!!

  • Msgr_Moment

    Mr. Trump, we’ve heard a lot about your dick size, but how large are your testicles?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      small and shriveled and resemble moldy raisons in the sun.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Larger than his brain.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        microbe libulllzzzzz

      • Callyson

        So, microscopic then.

  • Biff52

    Jeb! can fix it!

    • Msgr_Moment

      What’s a Jeb!?

      • Master Contrail Program

        A footnote.

  • SayItWithWookies

    It sounds like Trump wants to protect the rights of minorities by imagining there aren’t any. Sure, that sounds like a plan.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      It is what most his followers would like to be reality.

    • Anarchy Pony

      If we throw em all out then there won’t be!

  • Msgr_Moment

    “I was born a poor black child.”

    • kaw143

      You’re right. He’s a jerk.

    • Master Contrail Program

      “Imagine how much MORE IS OUT THERE!”

      “Donald…..”

      “Let him go.”

  • kaw143

    What is this strange world I apparently woke up in when Ted Cruz sounds reasonable compared to ANYBODY, much less the Republican front-runner?

    • Master Contrail Program

      Merely an example of forced perspective.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Anderson keeps trying to prod Trump into saying something nice about Muslims — and Trump resolutely insists on not doing it. “We have a major, major problem” is about all he says.

    • Robyn Ryan

      We’re fighting a religious war. Stunning…

  • Callyson

    Voter: You have money, but a lot of people think you’re an heir with four bankruptcies. What say you?

    TehRump: I hated Brooklyn! My inheritance was shared with others! I BUILT THAT!!!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “Million dollar loan . . . I only started with a small amount of money.”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Thanks for the softball, kiddo — now let me talk about myself, which I would’ve done regardless of the question, but I still appreciate it.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Sarah Palin is watching and thinking: why can’t this guy answer the actual question?

    • cousin itt

      you said thinking

  • Al F

    Drugs are bad for you.

    • Msgr_Moment

      MKay.

    • Anarchy Pony

      If you don’t know you can’t handle them.

      • Al F

        Tell that to Mr. Hall, the individual, agent, and even a person.

        • Master Contrail Program

          The agent bogarts the stash.

  • SayItWithWookies

    He started with a mere million dollars — how can you even eat on that tiny sum?

    • Master Contrail Program

      “Let them eat cake.”

  • Callyson

    “TehRump, the Big Lie only goes so far you know…”

    Adolph Hitler

  • Biff52

    Dude’s wearing a Purple Heart…

  • Callyson

    Voter: What are the top three things the government should do?

    TehRump: We’re in danger! We need to bust balls NOW!!!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Waitwaitwait . . .isn’t he in favour of eliminating the dep’t of education?

    • cousin itt

      That’s three things.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Even though he was senile at the time…”

  • SayItWithWookies

    “People shouldn’t say that because you’re giving the enemy ideas.” Okay let’s all stop talking about the military.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    CNN being real dicks about getting past that pay wall. They’re on to me. Jerks. Just put all politics behind a pay wall, you corporate fucks. I’m rarely thankful for AM radio but for once. Now I’ll have to wait for the highlight reels to see Trump storm off-stage, and to see the audience drain out during Kasich. Yeah, definitely a first world problem, but grumble, grumble…

  • Msgr_Moment

    “I’m self-funding.”

    Well, I guess we get what we pay for.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    OK, so his first 3 priorities are: “rebuild” the military; get gov’t out of healthcare and ; get gov’t out of education.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      There’s the republican values!

    • Anarchy Pony

      So what I’m getting is bigger military with shoddier equipment and no care for veterans…

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Bigger less educated military who all have the clap.

  • Callyson

    How can ANYONE listen to this guy and not see through him? Are people really that fucking stupid, or angry enough not to care?

    I know, I know…

    • Msgr_Moment

      ^^^^^THIS is the scary thing.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Logic is soooooooo outdated.

    • SayItWithWookies

      They’re the same people who pay ten bucks to knock the pins off the stand at the carnival so they can win the giant teddy bear — and end up there all night, and broke.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I do not think they care. They see through him fine, but they like that he is saying the shitty assed things they want to be able to say and not be told to shut up about it.
      We need to keep telling them to shut up about it.

      • kaw143

        Ding! Ding! Ding!

  • Al F

    Ted was embarrassing, Donald is embarrassing but has no shame, and Kasich is going to talk about how many times he sucked Reagan’s cock.

    • cousin itt

      While balancing budgets on the head of a pike.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Cruz’s mistresses are giving him a lot of money. Allegedly.”

    • eddi

      I thought that usually went the other way. Ted cannot do anything right can he?

      • Major_Major_Major

        I don’t know, if I had mistresses (I don’t), and the paid ME (they prolly wouldn’t) I would be pretty sure I was doing something right. That, or it would be so stigmatizing to the women if they owned up, that they wanted it kept on the DL.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Just because you’re not bought and paid for doesn’t mean you’re going to do anything reasonable, dumbass.

  • Callyson

    Voter: In that WaPo interview that showed what an idiot you are, you said NATO sucks. How would you fix it?

    TehRump: The press treated me fairly! NATO is old and it overcharges us! I’m over NATO!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Trump thinks the NYT treated him fairly? There was a Salon article that said the interview was horrifying. Now I have to see what it said.

    • Callyson

      Brace yourself: I needed a couple shots after reading that.

    • Biff52

      Well, that didn’t last.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I am going to assume that if he thinks they treated him “fairly” it means they physically got down on their knees and blowed him all over the record.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    dismantle NATO. Yeah. no way that could turn out badly.

  • Msgr_Moment

    At this point, I’m hoping Putin’s got a good stockpile of Po210.

  • SayItWithWookies

    NATO is outdated — no wonder Putin likes the guy.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      So Trump loves him some Putin, and only mail orders his bride from the ex soviet block.
      Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

  • Callyson

    TehRump: NATO either has to be changed or we have to do something.

    Wow–that’s specific!!!

  • Msgr_Moment

    This has all been a very elaborate, multi-year April Fools’ joke, right?
    Right?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      You keep thinkin that. It may help you sleep at night.

  • Al F

    Every time I see Kasich talking about Reagan, I think about that banana ending of the Foxtrot, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo, video from Bloodhound Gang.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    He wants to end our “Eternal” commitment to Japan’s defense, which was part of ending WW II, he wants to dismantle NATO. Wonder if he wants out of SEATO, too.

    • cousin itt

      We need to get our asses out of the SEATO and stand up for ourselves.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        America gets out of SEATO to open a new bag of Cheetos…

        • cousin itt

          NEATO!

          • Master Contrail Program

            No Burritos

        • Toomush_Infer

          Not if those Cheetos are where they’re supposed to be!…

    • eddi

      As soon as someone tells him it exists.

  • Callyson

    Anderson: So are you going to support the Republican nominee if it is not you?

    TehRump: Fuck no! And I don’t need the Canadian Anchor Baby anyway!

  • Msgr_Moment

    “I’ve been treated very unfairly.”

    I’m choking up over here, dude.

    • Callyson

      Well. I’m choking up with convulsive laughter, so there’s that.

    • kaw143

      It is so hard to drink while laughing. I think I’m just going to set this wine bottle up with an intravenous drip.

  • Callyson

    TehRump: I HAVE BEEN TREATED VERY UNFAIRLY!!!

    Not enough booze in the world for that phrase…

    • Msgr_Moment

      You haven’t upped your game to opioids yet?

      • kaw143

        AND LET THE MEXICANS WIN?

        How DARE you, sir!

        • Biff52

          Big Pharma libel!

  • Biff52

    Your ratings will be excellent!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “A lot of nasty things have been said . . . ” mostly by me.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “I’m a very honest guy, and I’m a very hilarious guy.”

  • Callyson

    TehRump: I’m a very honorable guy…

    OK, I just laughed so hard my dogs are freaking out and I have to calm them down. BRB.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      He honors his business dealin…oh wait. Well his marriage vo….no, hrm…certainly the signed commitment to support the nom…..uhmmmm

  • TootsStansbury

    Imagine all the people
    Living for themselves
    You hoo ooh ooh may say I’m a dreamer
    But I’m not the only one

  • Biff52

    I’m an excellent driver, excellent.

    • Master Contrail Program

      Donald how much is a candy bar?

      “‘Bout a hundred dollars.”

      How much is a highly secured, hundreds of miles long, border wall?

      “…………………”

      • Pickwicknext

        100 Grand is the comedy answer there

        • Master Contrail Program

          It’ll be a crunchy, chewy wall, but an effective wall.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “I don’t want anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Um. Excuse me?

  • Callyson

    TehRump: I’m a unifier.

    Sorry, dogs, but I can’t control myself right now…

    http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/03/Laughing-GIF.gif?gs=a

  • Msgr_Moment

    Learn the fucking rules, asshole!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Rules are for losers, not terrific dictators on the path to the fourth right!

      • MilwaukeeKent

        But as a great driver, the fourth right he brings him right back to where he started (?)

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          And thus the circle of lyft continues

  • SayItWithWookies

    Notice how Trump can’t say a coherent thing about any actual policy, but when it comes to the horse race part of the campaign, he knows all the ins and outs. It’s startling the difference.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Okay, nevermind — he knew nothing about Louisiana.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Louisiana, sounds lousey, terrible state, losers there, not terrific like…what state are we in right now? That state.

  • Biff52

    #winning

  • Msgr_Moment

    Jeff Sessions is a regular Demosthenes. Must be the “marbles” in his cheeks.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Will Trump answer the “I learned something” question better than Cruz answered the one about his biggest failure? Not betting on it.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Cruz’s biggest failing is loving too much, and being too much like Jesus Christ for our sinful nation to accept and embrace as is his divine right.
      Right?

      • MilwaukeeKent

        Trump’s biggest failure is his humility — it’s the greatest humility — but he has no right to be so humble because he’s the greatest…

  • Callyson

    Voter: If you’re going to be a leader you need compassion. Do you have any?

    TehRump: Ted Cruz’ colleagues in the Senate hate him! You need to be flexible like me and not have any coherent policy positions to make deals?

    Anderson: Can you answer the voter’s fucking question?

    TehRump: Um, er…(minutes pass) I’m now anti-choice! Does that count?

  • Msgr_Moment

    I never gave much choice to women’s rights, but I will be so yooooge and great for women.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Anderson: “Anything specific?”
    You should ask that more, Anderson Cooper.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “Ronald Reagan was kinda conservative. Not very conservative.” *brain esplodes*

    • Callyson

      I caught that too, but it seems TehRump can say ANYTHING and his followers will love him FFS.

  • Callyson

    Anderson: When was the last time you apologized?

    TehRump: But I’m never wrong!

    • MilwaukeeKent

      to his mom for using a swear, to Ivana for not being more Presidential.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Did you apologize to Ivana for fucking Marla?

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Ronald Reagan signed one of the toughest abortion laws — in favor of abortion…” What?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Donald is taking on Reagan?????
      Holy shit ya’ll, he really IS going for total destruction of the GOP

      • SayItWithWookies

        He also called him “not much of a conservative.”

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Amazing. I wonder how Fox will spin that after sucking zombie Reagan dick for the past 234653253 years

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I don’t get in trouble for what I say, just for what I repeat.” WTF?!?!?!?!

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I apologized to my mother years ago for using foul language.”
    She must be where that whirring sound is coming from, then.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Won the Drudge poll? OMG.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Mr. Trump: chickenfucking or ratfucking?”

    • Callyson

      “All of them, Katie.”

      – The Donald

    • Pickwicknext

      I saw that rat try and eat pizza without a knife and fork, so he’d go with chicken

  • Pinkham’s Law

    With what the Rs are doing to Wisconsin, how the living FUCK can anybody be supporting any Repub there?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Cuz dumb, most likely.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Step one: Infiltrate a state based on playing to peoples fears of those others. Make sure it is a state doing ok, or the people will be too much takery to want to risk their precious takerdom.
      Step two: immediate cut education, ruthlessly. We want these people stupid as fuck.
      Step three: Launch constant and consistant propaganda of how much we are doing to prevent the nefarious others from taking over! Make sure to stoke fears constantly, can’t let that shit cool down.
      Step four: Repeat as necessary.

      At some point, they almost have to vote for them, because admitting they made a mistake and helped make their own shitty situation would break them utterly.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I think this is a much better format” than a debate.
    Wow — stopped clock, right and all that. Whaddyaknow. I guess I should drink.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I do not see how he is right. Town halls are basically free campaign speech air time.

      • Callyson

        Sometimes the audience questions are good, though.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Both valid points, I’ll allow it and agree that it is better ^.^

      • SayItWithWookies

        The short answers in a debate really suck the substance out of the discussions, I think.

  • Biff52

    I’m sure glad I prefer Tillamook cheese over Wisconsin’s…

    • Msgr_Moment

      No whey!

    • kaw143

      Tillamook is very gouda.

    • akryan

      Peanut butter Chocolate ice cream they make is worth the heart attack

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Pffft! Elitist! What’s wrong with Kraft slices? Besides everything?

  • Walter Wellstone

    That was boring.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, Trump’s gonna allude to his seasonal workers at Mar-a-Lago, I’ll bet — bring ’em in, pay ’em nothing, ship ’em back out.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    He’s losing the dairy farmer vote big time. Hunter S. Thompson described Wisconsin out side of Milwaukee as “Lutheran dairy farmers who vote Republican” back in ’72. It hasn’t changed, come smell our dairy air.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “You have nice kids.” How is this even a question?

    • Biff52

      And her father must’ve been around 60 when she was born. I wonder which wife he was on?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Now, now. Be nice. Not her fault.

        • Biff52

          Not her fault, but she asked that question for her father.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Donald Trump’s soulless vampire children are an example? They’re adults, I can say that. I’ve never seen them show any scintilla of independent thought.

    • Biff52

      Or humanity.

  • Callyson

    Voter: Why can’t you be nicer, like your sons?

    TehRump: I have great kids!

    PS: I like kids. I mean I won’t do anything to take care of them. I’ll supply funds, and she’ll take care of the kids.”

  • Ilgattomorte

    This highlights a point that I have been making for years. I am an agent of a person who is me, but not me. As an agent I can not be held responsible for the actions of a person who I simply don’t agree with.

    As an agent I get 20%, so I can only be responsible for 20% of any penalty that my person, who is not me, has accrued. In fact, let me tell you, my person is a real shit. I hate my person and I would help you to hunt my person down and make him pay, but that would be impossible since the two of us never appear together in the same room.

    It’s up to you to help me stop him. Please don’t let my person continue on. This is your responsibility now.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Have you hired a settler yet?

      • Pickwicknext

        No, but I can if you have wood for my sheep?

        • doktorzoom

          Maybe you Catan, maybe you Catan’t.

  • cynmac

    I must say that I am enjoying these postings tonight. I am at the BF’s and he doesn’t have patience for watching these “debates”. But with all the others I have watched, I can imagine and follow along and it is hilarious through the Wonkette filter. Thanks for this.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Ms On Maui’s watching this closed captioned with the volume off. I think her head’s going to explode, she’s laughing so hard…

    • Callyson

      TehRump claiming to be a uniter had me in convulsions.

      • Jonny On Maui

        “he can’t string 2 words together…”

        About all she was able to get out…

      • Msgr_Moment

        He meant untier. Did I mention that he’s dyxselic?

  • SayItWithWookies

    How did he go from “I have great kids” to “the world is taking advantage of us?” It’s like his sentences are a portal to another dimension, and where you go in has nothing to do with where you come out.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Stargate before they figured out the targeting?

      • kaw143

        It’s one of those unstable wormholes they were always finding in Star Trek.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Damn unstable worm holes flinging our ship all over space and time *shakes fist*
          Far Scape did the unstable worm hole best tho

  • Callyson

    Kasich is next? Never mind alcohol–I’ll need some coffee to stay awake for that.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Oh, I thought he said “John Kusack is next” and I did a double-take.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Nah, we’ve already watched “Say Anything.”

        • Pickwicknext

          And we’re heading for “Better Off Dead”

          • Master Contrail Program

            Stay tuned for “Being John Kasich.”

  • MilwaukeeKent

    I was in a comment thread the other day and was asked how to improve the Dem turnout in rural areas, I had a few ideas but who knew all it would take was to have dairy farmers ask GOP candidates questions on the TV?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Is this the beer that made Mel Famey walk us?

  • Pinkham’s Law

    How the hell does he expect us to believe he hasn’t seen the video?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Too busy with pr0n?

      • Pinkham’s Law

        If *I’M* not too busy with Pr0n, he can’t be too busy with Pr0n.

  • Callyson

    Anderson: Would you fire a campaign manager who assaulted a reporter?

    Kasich: I haven’t gotten around to seeing the video, but I am an adult so of course I would.

    • Biff52

      If she were MY daughter, I’d…

  • Callyson

    Kasich: Never mind that I am losing now–I have a chance of winning in the fall! Plus I’m actually competent! Vote for me!!!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Is it sad, depressing, heart wrenching or just plain awful that I am hoping Kasich wins his nomination?
      Or is it just a reflection of how absolutely awful the other two guys are that Kasich seems almost normal (until he rips of his reptiloid mask, yes, yes)?

      • Jonny On Maui

        That is the koolaid they want you to drink…

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Dinnae get me wrong, Jonny, I’ve no plan to vote for the guy. It is just that as much as I rip on the GOP, and disagree with basically everything they ever did, ever, at least they aren’t…well. Full blown Hitler complete with personal army ready to stomp on people who disagree with them. That bit has me a bit worried.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’ve got ya.

      • Biff52

        I think he’s normal enough that a normal campaign could be mounted against him. How do you go against Drumpf?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Don’t have to. Just let the fucker keep talking.

        • Bernie Sanders.

          Crushes Drumpf. Why can’t we elect the hardly-evil-at-all for once in our fricken lives?
          ~

          • Biff52

            Doing my part.

      • Pretty much yes to all.

        I come from Kasichstan. (O.K. I lived on the east coast all my life, except the 2005-20015 in Kasichstan.)

        He’s a shit. Just knows how to pretend to be less shittier than the other GOP shits.
        ~

        • proudgrampa

          ” except the 2005-20015 in Kasichstan”
          Over 18,000 years in one place? Man, I’ll bet you got bored.

          Cheers!

  • Msgr_Moment

    “I’m more qualified than any of them, except. Mrs. Clinton.”

    • Pickwicknext

      That’s Madam Secretary to you.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Kasich is ahead of Hillary in the polls about the general — but that’s because the only thing most voters know about him is he’s not Trump or Cruz.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Thank you for undercutting your own campaign, governor.

  • Callyson

    Anderson: Haven’t the voters already spoken?

    Kasich: They weren’t paying attention so that doesn’t count!

  • SayItWithWookies

    I hope most of Anderson’s line of questioning is going to be “why are you still here?”

  • Callyson

    Kasich: Somehow, the voters think that primaries decide nominations! Conventions matter!!! I’m in like Flynn!!!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    The Republicans have had way more than ten conventions — he’s actually said this before but I think he means open/contested conventions.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    The Raw Story feed is so down home with the “host” of the feed making remarks during the commercial breaks. Here comes Kasich. There goes the crowd energy…

  • Callyson

    Kasich: I’ll turn lemons into lemonade.

    • Biff52

      Like a common Sharrron Angle.

    • Pickwicknext

      Hey! Don’t piss in my glass and call it lemonade!

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I’ve been arguing that we need to go after ISIS…with a coalition.” Okay, but what are you going to do that isn’t already being done?

  • Kasichstan Shall Rule The Waves!
    ~

    • Marion in Savannah

      Isn’t that next to Uz-beki-beki-beki-stan? Damn… I thought that place was landlocked.

  • Biff52

    Lemonade! Abort!

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Would it not be easier
    For the party
    To dissolve its voting bloc
    And elect a new one?”

    — Kasich, channeling Brecht

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Easier it is for party to new one elect

    • Hydrochloric or sulfuric?
      ~

      • Msgr_Moment

        Nitric. Chews through glass.

        • Jonny On Maui

          use the brown…

      • Marion in Savannah

        What about glacial acetic acid? Smells like salad dressing… They won’t see it coming.

  • Callyson

    Kasich: Our allies free-ride on our security guarantees because they are politically correct socialists!

  • SayItWithWookies

    NATO has to be an intelligence-gathering organization — as though we don’t share intelligence with our allies?

    • Jonny On Maui

      with and to…

    • Master Contrail Program

      NATO can take these two hours off then.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “We need the imams to come out and say their religion has been hijacked.”
    Yeah and I’m still waiting for Christians to apologize for that abortion clinic shooting.

  • Marion in Savannah

    I watched the whole thing. Dang — it gave me a whole new level of respect for local judges. Let’s put that judge on the SC…

    • Jonny On Maui

      That guy’s wasted in FL…

      • Master Contrail Program

        I’m working on that myself.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    We should all inform on each other! It;s for our safety!

    • Marion in Savannah

      “If your mommy is a commie then you have to turn her in.” (h/t Chad Mitchell Trio)

  • Biff52

    What was I saying?
    I can’t remember.

    • Pickwicknext

      Drink more. It will help…

      • Biff52

        27 years of not drinking, down the drain, but OK!

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Wow! Raw Story feed host (or a hijacker?) just cut in to tell the world that “This guy Kasich is out of his fucking mind!” There’s an assault rifle on the wall behind him — this play won’t end well.

  • Msgr_Moment

    The President watched a baseball game in Cuba, instead of reading childrens’ books about goats, like a leader.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I would find out our vulnerabilities and send them to Europe. What does that even mean?

    • Callyson

      Let the Europeans host our vulnerabilities? Dafuq?

      • Master Contrail Program

        Tea Party Spring Break!!! Cowabunga!!

  • Callyson

    Kasich: The president went to a baseball game instead of letting the terrorist set his agenda so we’re at risk!!!

    • Msgr_Moment

      The President went to a baseball game and all we got was this talking point.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Kasich is half-sane. He’s doomed in this race but we knew that.

    • He’s half insane.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Neither the rats nor chickens will let him fuck them.

  • Callyson

    Kasich: I don’t like tweets.

    • Pickwicknext

      Well Governor, I don’t like twits, so STFU.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Well, at least Kasich is a masochist, so that’s helpful.

  • Callyson

    Kasich: I’ve learned to love the beatings.

    Am I watching a Presidential town hall or Fifty Shades of Grey?

    • SayItWithWookies

      “I’ve learned to love the ball gag and the handcuffs.”

    • MilwaukeeKent

      The masochist sez “Beat me! Beat me!”
      The sadist sez ” ehm…Noooo!”

      • Biff52

        I posted “Freakers Ball” yesterday, still fits.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “I’ve learned to love the beatings.” You should ask Donald a question when Corey Lewandowski’s around then.

  • Callyson

    Kasich: I could screw up but I hope not.

    That’s it, send the other candidates home…

  • Msgr_Moment

    In the interest of equal time:

  • SayItWithWookies

    Uh-oh — accepting Medicaid expansion — blasphemy! and what the hell is Badgercare? I remember hearing about it as some sort of failure, but can’t remember exactly.

    • HanBarbara

      Badger…he will take good care of you

  • Give us Obama care but don’t call it that. Oy.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Trumpcare: everyone gets an expired credit card and a bankruptcy lawyer’s phone number.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        “Who wants a coupon? Everybody get a coupon? These are the greatest coupons, I tell ya folks, believe me…”

  • Callyson

    Voter: Why did you roll with Obamacare? Aren’t you competent enough to come up with something else?

    Kasich: I got your newspaper’s endorsement, I know how to innovate, and that was our money in the first place!

    He’s doomed…

  • Badgercare is when you don’t feel well you get a bloodletting by varmint.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Honeybadgercare don’t care.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Kasich, Walker’s decision cost Wisconsin 800 million and counting.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Holy shit! He just called the Rs out for blowing the deficit? Damn.

  • Callyson

    Kasich can’t STFU and move on to the next question? Your mature, Presidential Republican candidate in action!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Kasich wants to do the same things like spending more on healthcare and mental health and drug addiction — but also cut the federal budget and balance the budget — so he can work this out in Ohio where he’s got Federal money to help, but it’s impossible on a national level, because there’s no extra cash infusion from a higher level of government to give him money. It’s complete bullshit.

    • Pfft, the One World Government secretly funnels cash to the US Federal Government via the lizard people and the Illuminati.

  • Biff52

    At least he remembers which party wasted the surplus.

  • If kasich stands up…I do too. While eating a salad no less.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      He did! Did you stand up?

  • Callyson

    Kasich is surprised that one of the voters in the audience is supporting him. I agree with him on that much…

  • Biff52

    This girl has teh crazy eyes, like One-L Miche1e.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Looking forward to that smug Republican who asked Kasich about healthcare getting busted with a prostitute in Cleveland this July, or black-mailed for his delegate vote (you know he’ll be one).

  • Callyson

    Voter: We have terrorist neighborhoods (OFFS). Should we spy on them?

    Kasich: No, that’s a dumbass idea.

    Broken clock, twice a day &etc. He’s definitely doomed.

    • Marion in Savannah

      Not twice a day. Using military time (don’t we all worship the military?) he’s right once a day. If he’s lucky.

  • Police guy. The best police guy. Says no Muslim stop n frisk. Says John kasich.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Governor Kasich, can you explain why horrible, disgusting, lying Ted Cruz is able to shag more strange than you?”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Who exactly has deemed neighborhoods terrorist hotbeds? Do we have a terrorism problem, in fact? Except for the Christian one?

    • Msgr_Moment

      We used to suffer from Christian terrorism, but now we enjoy it.

      • Marion in Savannah

        It’s the terrorism that we dare not speak the name of. (And ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I usually do not put.)

  • Marion in Savannah

    I may haz many confoozes, but how did this turn into a discussion of Kasich?

    • SayItWithWookies

      CNN town hall liveblog/threadjacking.

      • kaw143

        When mommy and daddy are away, we raid the liquor cabinet and have a party.

        • And then the police come, and we try to blame our little brother.
          ~

          • Biff52

            Trump already said he didn’t start it!

        • Marion in Savannah

          See? This and all the replies after me are why I come here to stay sane!

      • Marion in Savannah

        Ah… That would explain it. There are many reasons that I shun Certainly Not News…

    • Msgr_Moment

      If you’re not watching the electric teevee machine, they are now grilling the senior governor of Ohio.

      • Marion in Savannah

        Geez — I try to hang onto some tattered threads of my sanity by coming here. Watching teh electric teebee machine (other than cooking shows or shows with lots of blood and gore) would send me right round the bend.

        • Msgr_Moment

          And I respect that.

        • Jonny On Maui

          This way none of the poisons are absorbed…

        • Pickwicknext

          If you want blood i could send you a pic of my finger when i change the dressing tonight…

  • Callyson

    Kasich: If Ohio State got five downs and your Badgers only got four, you would not like that? Dafuq?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Woody Hayes would just run it up the middle anyway.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I got that, and cried a little that I got that. Fucking husband, I blame him.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “remember what happened when those Japanese cars came into the country? US cars got better.” Yeah, after decades of foot-dragging, denial, and lobbying to have the laws changed to keep them out. Getting better was the US car manufacturers’ last resort.

    • Callyson

      Don’t forget blaming the workers for the crappy cars that weren’t meeting Americans’ need for gas-efficient cars at a time of high gas prices FFS.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    They’re having to go to tight head shots of Kasich or distant shots of the stage from the crowd to avoid getting the dozers on camera. Really should have put him in the middle slot, CNN.

    • Biff52

      To be fair, dairy farmers have to get up really early.

    • Master Contrail Program

      That reminds me, I miss the XFL.

      • Biff52

        That was the last foobaw I actually watched. Vegas had a fun team to follow.

        • Master Contrail Program

          I actually had a Las Vegas Outlaws jersey. Loved the logo and colors.

  • Jenny

    Just got here. I am not sure why there was not a live thread for this townhall thingymabob, but you commenters that are not allowed are doing a fantastic job. It’s almost like I’m there!

  • SayItWithWookies

    “You can’t believe how many people I made angry in Washington by trying to balance the budget.”
    Oh yes I can — it was fewer than President Clinton got for doing the same thing.

  • “Young man. I don’t know if your a leader in your family.” Goodnight John.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Why does Ukraine not have nuclear weapons? They used to!

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Kasich is going full Bernie in the animated stage presence tonight.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Needs moar weed and fewer speedballs.

    • Biff52

      Meh. Let me know when a birdie lands on him.

      • Callyson

        More likely that a birdie will land a drop on him, IYKWIM.

    • Pickwicknext

      Question: has he adopted Bernie’s Ensteinan hairstyle?

      • MilwaukeeKent

        No, like always he looked like someone gave him a noogie before he went on stage (probably Trump).

        • Pickwicknext

          I would give Trump a noogie, but i’m scared the thing on his head would eat my hand

          • MilwaukeeKent

            Yeah, between that and Corey Lewandowski, just not worth it.

  • Callyson

    Voter: Why can’t our allies do more to pay for their defense?

    Kasich: Young man…

    Oh yeah, patronizing the guy will definitely get his vote! I mean, fuck, I’m closer to Kasich’s POV on this, but he sounds like a “you’ll understand when you are older” grump FFS…

    • MilwaukeeKent

      “…and pull your pants up, slacker!”

  • SayItWithWookies

    “[Europe’s] economies by and large have been a shambles.” That’s Kasich’s justification for staying in Europe — I’ll bet those socialists are surprised to hear this.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh — we’re in Europe to defend against Muslims from invading the US — that makes complete sense, if this were a right-wing superhero movie.

    • Amy!

      We’re not? But … Super Capitalist, with the big hair and the tiny hands? Super Christian, with the big hate and the squeaky voice?

      • SayItWithWookies

        It’s the Jesus League of America!

    • Anarchy Pony

      The Incredibles?
      No really, The Incredibles is a Randian right wing propaganda film. It glorifies inequality and privilege.

      • Amy!

        The Incomprehensibles?

        • Msgr_Moment

          The Aristocrats?

          • Amy!

            Here is your internetz, sir or madam, which you has won today.

      • Master Contrail Program

        The Great Lakes Avengers?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        It does?
        Damn.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Syndrome is an evil soshamalist trying to make everybody equal with his fabulous technology, making the biologically superior obsolete, which is bad!

  • kareema

    Am I not understanding something here? Why all the Kasich comments under an article about a complete sovereign citizen idiot?

    Is this a plot to drive me mad?

    [gibbers to self]

    • SayItWithWookies

      And it’s working!
      (CNN town hall unofficial liveblog)

    • Biff52

      Yes.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      We have the house to ourselves! Let’s jimmy the liquor cabinet!

    • Anarchy Pony

      CNN townhall that started an hour or so ago, so this is the de facto live blog.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      They won’t let us comment on a live blog so we hijacked the thread. Come for the sovereign citizen, stay for the commentary!

      • MilwaukeeKent

        Settler, agent and citizen all welcome,

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          but no persons.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I’ve been at band rehearsal and getting drunk. What’d I miss??

    • SayItWithWookies

      Donald Trump — but the janitors fixed it up pretty good.

    • kaw143

      Being here and getting drunk?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Definitely a higher class of people here.

        • Biff52

          Depends on where you practice, I suppose.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            My living room, a.k.a “the hovel”.

          • Biff52

            I can’t even plug in my Peavy, damned house needs to be rewired…

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            My outlets aren’t grounded. My amp works, but you DEFinitely want to be wearing shoes. Get too close to the mic, and an electric arc will take off part of your lip. Good times.

          • Biff52

            I get 10 lbs of hum before I even plug in an instrument.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Same here…I’ve got that single coil Tele. Wicked hum.

          • Biff52

            My Les Paul has dual humbuckers.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Nice.

          • Biff52

            Doesn’t mean I can play it, though. Not worthy.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Talent is overrated. It’s all about having fun and making big noise.

          • Biff52

            It was a good deal. It’s a Studio, no fancy stuff. I figured if I got the one I wanted, I’d be more interested in actually learning…

          • Anarchy Pony

            You don’t need talent, just sing attitude.

          • MilwaukeeKent

            Do you get radio and TV broadcasts coming through the amps? We had that happen on stage at a dive near the local tower farm.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Had that happen once at a shithole sports bar with about 30 tvs, 10 customers, and one electrical circuit for everything. It was a long night.

        • Msgr_Moment

          You take that back!!!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I meant “here at Wonkette”. Sheesh.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Well, this one time at band camp….

    • You missed me building my new studio, dammit! You were supposed to help with the drywall!

  • Callyson

    Anderson: So are you going to roll with the GOP nominee no matter what?

    Kasich: We’ll see, but I think my little engine that can will work after all!

    Anderson: So you don’t know yet.

    Kasich: Pretty much.

    • Msgr_Moment

      You know what they say about people with tiny engines….

  • kaw143

    The little engine that can?

  • Pinkham’s Law

    So, all of them have bailed on the pledge to support the eventual nominee? Interesting.

    • Amy!

      I’m shocked! Shocked to see gambing in Rick’s American Casino!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Kasich will be the nominee — it’s everyone’s way of not endorsing whoever is the winner.

  • Biff52

    Sled dogs job creator!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Puppies!

  • kaw143

    Does everyone asking a question have to be a small business owner who is worried about Big Government or a veteran who was wounded Defending Freedom?

  • Callyson

    Voter: What are you going to do for small businesses?

    Kasich: They won’t have to pay taxes! Also, little banks are good and regulations suck.

    The scary thing is that after Cruz and Trump, these vague platitudes sound like an actual policy FFS…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Kasich brags on his state’s small businesses paying no taxes — of course, Ohio benefitted most from the GM bailout and a lot from Obamacare — so we really know who to thank.

    • Hitler?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Is black Hitler anything like black Jesus?

        • More black I think.

        • Master Contrail Program

          He speaks jive.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Thanks, Marx.

  • kaw143

    Trickle down regulation?

    Sounds legit.

  • Callyson

    Kasich: Kids, look for an education that you can take to the bank!

    • kaw143

      Decide what you want to do for forty years while you are a teenager!

      At that age, I was going to be a professional weed smoking rock star groupie fucker. What educational experience would you have suggested for me?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        By age six I wanted to be an Archaeologist. When I allegedly grew up, I became a bonafied field diggin archaeologist.
        Then I had kids and went fuck, travel is sorta right out ain’t it?

      • Master Contrail Program

        Trump campaign staff. Sorry about the weed though.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “College should be a vocational education!”

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      sure, vocational courses don’t have maleable young minds reading literature or taking philosophy or in any way being exposed to differing views than what they were brought up believing. FTW!!!!!

      *Note: I am all for those in vocational occupations and find lots of them to be quite smart and intelligent people. But this is precisely what the GOP means by “pushing your kids into vocational education”

      • Biff52

        Good thing I got my Democratic Voter Registration Card before I got my Vo-Tech degrees.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          joke is on them. Lots of Vo-techies are union strong.
          HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH

  • Another knucklehead for a conservative arts degree.

  • SayItWithWookies

    K-12 should change their curricula to be job-oriented? Shit, I didn’t know what I wanted to do as a career in kindergarten. Not even after I got out of high school. Shit, now, even.

    • Msgr_Moment

      We need to replace the liberal arts with the conservative arts.
      Damnit, RichNWhite beat me to it. (Below)

      • See below.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Misspelled signs, flag avatars, and bald eagle porn?

        • Amy!

          And truck nuts.

          • Master Contrail Program

            Yosemite Sam mud flaps

          • TeeRaak

            You guys got the whole program down pat. Let’s open up an internet only Wingnut U. and see who bites.

            Who’s wit me?
            https://youtu.be/6eX3fiQLo84

          • Master Contrail Program

            Sure, I’ll just send in 3 Campbell’s Soup labels for our national accreditation.

          • TeeRaak

            Be sure to send it to the same accreditation agency that approved Trump U. Or Ball U. I keep getting those two schools confused…

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Gunplay, militia organizing, and drankin’?

      • Master Contrail Program

        Saying lots of werds, without saying much of anything?

        • Pickwicknext

          I learned that one in the liberal arts too. Paper padding for length!

          • Master Contrail Program

            We’re not so diffe……. ahh, fuck it.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Pearl clutching, concern trolling, Gish galloping, goalpost moving, Overton window placement, windmill tilting, and JAQing off?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Say now. Quixote tilted at windmills, but it was in the name of trying to help people, not in the name of trying to make himself richer at the expense of other people.

          So….

          windmilltilting libulllzzz

          • Master Contrail Program

            Those were Spanish windmills….

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Damn spanish windmills……

    • Anarchy Pony

      It’s code for no critical thought or intelligence, just create competent workers.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        fuck they don’t even want the competent. Just obedient.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      I remember the kindergarten teacher taking me to the principal’s office to get a pat on the head for the crayon drawing I did of a whale, so by that logic I should either be a bad artist or a dead whaler.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Dumb fun fact.The architects of that theater designed all the Orpheum theaters (and the Palace in NYC) and all the Schlitz taverns, Kirchhoff & Rose. The spousal unit and I were lucky enough to snag this house Rose designed for himself in 1908, for a cool 40k back in 1990.

  • Callyson

    Kasich: I don’t care who I piss off: go get a job!

  • Biff52

    You people are lucky I even perform for you!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Kasich wants lower taxes and a balanced budget — okay, explain how that works when we’re already running a deficit and you want to cut revenue.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Voodoo.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      duhhh…you ditch the dirty poorz to fend for themselves, obviously

    • Not with math.

      • TeeRaak

        It all adds up if you say WOO WOO three times…

    • Master Contrail Program

      You know how this works.

    • Amy!

      He’ll have former governor Brownback of Kansas as financial advisor, of course. Look at what Brownback’s done tofor Kansas!

      • Callyson

        DAMMIT!

        Oh well, GMTA.

    • Callyson

      Tax cuts actually raise more revenue! It worked in Kansas, right?

  • Biff52

    Opus Dei for SCOTUS!

  • Msgr_Moment

    What if the fetus is transgendered? Where will it go caca?

  • Callyson

    Voter: Are you going to be a hard-ass about being anti-choice?

    Kasich: Yes, and also too remember that you will get an afterlife, so be good Christians!

  • Pinkham’s Law

    He’s really good at being noncommital, isn’t he?

    • kaw143

      Hard to say. He might have to put it another way.

      • TeeRaak

        Let me put it this way, whenever I ask a question whose answer makes whatever the wingnut previously sound stupid, they always reply with some moronic thing prefaced with, “Let me put it this way”, as if I was just a child unable to comprehend their fancy wingnut ciphering…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh geeze — minorities are not a protected class — that’s a rhetorical way of saying they have extra rights when in fact they have the same rights.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, life ends at death but there’s another life — so Scalia should be propped up and making decisions on the SCOTUS now.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “I had a woman.
    Or should I say
    She once had me?”

    • Biff52

      Are there Norwegians in Wisconsin too?

  • Callyson

    Kasich: I fought corporate welfare!

    Assuming that is true, he is really toast…

  • Msgr_Moment

    You inspired Scarborough to run for office?
    Thanks, Obama.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Kasich closed corporate loopholes when companies moved out of the country — or to Puerto Rico? Do companies get a bonus for moving to Puerto Rico now?

  • Moral courage is admitting when you’re wrong.

  • Callyson

    Voter: Who would be your Veep?

    Kasich: You?

    Erm, what in the everloving fuck?

    • kaw143

      “You look pretty hot. I’ll pick you!”

    • SayItWithWookies

      It’s his goofy charm — he also tells really corny jokes — be prepared.

      • Pickwicknext

        No. I will tell the corny jokes all without restricting access to women’d health care!

        • Msgr_Moment

          Take my wife’s uterus. Please!

  • Callyson

    Kasich: I’ve known people so I get stuff done.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      He’s channeling Trump: “I say a lot of things”.

  • kaw143

    You can’t surround yourself with sick elephants? WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT — Studio Audience

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, he’s letting his preachy side out — “everyone wants to be involved in something bigger than themselves” — it’s his lead-in to the whole “government can’t fix all your problems” which goes on to “we have to love and respect each other.” While he’s cutting benefits, cutting taxes and deregulating industry.

    • Anarchy Pony

      “everyone wants to be involved in something bigger than themselves”
      Unless it’s government, that’s socialism.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Ain’t it funny how for say 7 years a certain president blackity black has been fucking begging these guys to have a little love and respect and work with him and they have been screaming FUCK YOU!!!!! at eleventy decibles?
        And yet, now they are all for how we have to respect each other. So funny.

      • Pickwicknext

        I am so tired my brain added cannibalism to you sentence in place of socialism

  • Msgr_Moment

    Loud obnoxious assholery trumps golly-gee homespun corny. Next

  • Phone battery dead. GNight all.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Night.

      • TeeRaak

        Goodnight John Boy!

    • SayItWithWookies

      Seeya

    • Callyson

      Bye, honey!

    • Biff52

      It’s done with now anyway.

  • handyhippie65

    that is one patient judge.

  • Callyson

    BTW, I am not sure if this is a good time to mention that TehRump will be on MSNBC tomorrow night. Fortunately for my sanity, Hillary and Bernie will be on after that.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Imma boycott MSNBC when he is on. They will not care, but my brain will be very much terrific with me for doing so.

    • Biff52

      You can’t make me.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Will there be cookies?

      • Biff52

        If you bring them.

  • Callyson

    Kasich: people feel safe at my rallies so I’m God’s chosen one.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Anderson: “You said this campaign has caused you to slow down.”
    He was faster once?

  • Msgr_Moment

    50 year old widows are easy lays. Got it.

    • Biff52

      Where are they to be located? Asking for a friend…

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        criminitly. Why would they wanna break in another one? Or is it just casual sex….

        • Biff52

          Another one?

      • TeeRaak

        Down under.

  • TeeRaak

    Sir, today I’m appearing as the agent and settler for David Hall.

    Why’s he bringing his dog into this?

    https://media1.giphy.com/media/lcqGw6CyGNry/200w_d.gif
    Oh, Grandma!

  • kaw143

    Kasich: I’m the lonely hearts candidate.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “That’s the spirit of the Lord”
    Here it comes!

    • TeeRaak

      You’re thinking of that Republican Judge in Oklahoma with the penis pump…

    • Msgr_Moment

      “The spirit of God compels you.”
      *thwack*

  • Callyson

    JFC, is Kasich running for President or America’s Next Top Preacher?

    • Pickwicknext

      Aren’t they all?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh it’s the taking an old lady to dinner story. He did this one at the town hall I went to, and at various other ones I’ve seen on tv. Thousand points of light, people!

    • Msgr_Moment

      How many times has he been stepping out on his wife with the widows?

  • Callyson

    Oh Jesus, Anderson wants to do another one of these?

    Also too, my dogs are getting hyper now due to my ongoing convulsions of laughter and I have to take them out soon and miss the post-Town Hall commentary. I just hope they’ll be quick and I will make it back soon. BBL…

    • Msgr_Moment

      Listen to your dogs.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I am sure they will be latheing some balls about how civil it was. Cause that is now something to remark upon.

      • Master Contrail Program

        Those poor machinists.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      They won’t be quick. I assume at least an hour of post. I’m not sticking around for it.

    • Biff52

      Lunatics took it over, I left.

      • kaw143

        And THEN the lunatics took it over?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Yeah, the power is really in individuals, not government — because industry works so much better when only a few powerless individuals stand up to rapacious greed instead of that big awful Federal government doing it.

    • Anarchy Pony

      WERKING TOGEHTER IS SCOGFSSILAISM!!!!

      • Jonny On Maui

        And you have made the connection to the other side, tell us

        is it dark over there?

        • Anarchy Pony

          You’ve no idea…

          • Master Contrail Program

            “It’s like eternity in there, man.”

          • kaw143

            THE JAUNT TAKES LONGER THAN YOU THINK, DAD! LONGER THAN YOU THINK!

          • Master Contrail Program

            And this is why I love Wonkette. Nobody gets my call and response routine at the bus station.

          • TeeRaak

            Is there an echo in here?

          • kaw143

            …cho in here?

          • Anarchy Pony

            The void stared back into me!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      We need to respect the sacrifices the Kochs have made for the country.

    • Jen_Baker_VA
      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Local control of the problem, that is the only solution we ever need.

        • TeeRaak

          Roundup?

      • Anarchy Pony

        Not the best quality… But we’re marchin’ on to Mingo 10,000 men and countin’!
        https://youtu.be/Z_rCdNdkb_g?t=19s

    • Biff52

      Shoes for industry!

      • MilwaukeeKent

        Shoes for the dead!

      • kaw143

        If you lived here, you’d be home by now.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Don Lemon’s got an anchor for The Blaze.tv on his panel? Because the fucked-up crazies are somehow underrepresented here?

    • Biff52

      I saw her, and ran for the DVR.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    I couldn’t listen to more than a couple of minutes of Hall’s doubletalk. Kudos to Judge Hurley for having the patience to wade through it.

  • kaw143

    “Let me explain why Donald Trump going back on his word is not about Donald Trump going back on his word.”

  • kaw143

    Did the guy with the bad hair just basically say that the voters aren’t really what matters, it’s the RNC that matters?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Well it’s true, in the sense of the RNC nomination at least — the party can change the rules whenever it wants and pick who its wants.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      well, why is that a surprise? RNC has been saying that for years.

  • Kiri the Unicorn

    Is Disqus screwed up even more than usual? A bunch of comments here are relevant to the Trump-Cooper thing.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Naw, we are self live bloggin the town hall thingy thing.
      Well, the real commenters are. I am just following along and trying to keep up.

      • Kiri the Unicorn

        Oh, got it. Thanks.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Took me a minute too. I logged on the main page and went wow, people REALLY care about crazy soverign citizen snark. Maybe we got a troll?
          And I flew here to read the fun, and found instead a town hall going down. My dissapoint was legion. (not really, though I was curious why it drew so many comments and figured it had to be a troll).

          • kaw143

            There have been a few of those around, too, but nothing super interesting. It’s like they aren’t even trying anymore. We have to stop and ask ourselves, “Is our trolls learning?”

          • Anarchy Pony

            No, Cuz trolls.

  • SayItWithWookies

    TheBlaze lady is saying Trump sucked tonight — I reckon that’s Glen Beck’s stance now?

    • kaw143

      Well, he might have sucked, but he didn’t start it!

      • cousin itt

        Isn’t he usually the suckee?

        • Pickwicknext

          So he says.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Heh — David Gregory is pointing out that Ted Cruz could’ve denounced the Pro-Cruz superPAC that created the ad about Melania, which is true. But that’s the dynamic that comes up when two children refuse to show weakness. Your new GOP, everyone.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Eh — Don Lemon and Co. are focusing on the interpersonal viciousness and not on what the candidates said about the issues — which was just as stupid but far more alarming. It’s like People magazine is covering this.

    • kaw143

      They said stuff about the issues? Was that between all of the misogyny and and the Jesus preachin’?

      • SayItWithWookies

        Well, Trump didn’t say anything about the issues, but that’s because he can’t. Ted Cruz said something, but I can’t remember what it is. And John Kasich said that he was going to cut taxes and balance the budget, and that Europe was full of socialists. I think that was the entirety of it — so yeah, there wouldn’t be much to discuss.

        • kaw143

          Europe full of socialists? Where DOES he get his ideas?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Can’t have an intelligent well informed electorate. It’s bad for exploita-I mean business.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Bad for ratings, too.

  • kaw143

    Does CNN do all of its furniture shopping in the Super Uncomfortable Looking Stools department of IKEA?

    …Now that I read that, I’m guessing they were trying to find something that would match the look of the candidates being interviewed. HEY-O!

  • Pickwicknext

    Well, good night everyone! Disqus is being A Idiot at me so I’m giving up

    • kaw143

      Disqus is good at that. Tell Thursday good night for me!

      • Pickwicknext

        Plock! Plock!

  • kaw143

    So, I’m just kinda’ following this on the computer, I’ve got several tabs open and one is the CNN feed, which cuts out whenever there are commercials. The dogs are sleeping in the corner, the other half is quietly playing Animal Crossing on the sofa, and everything gets really calm AND THEN CNN STARTS BROADCASTING AGAIN, VERY LOUD!

    • urgelt

      How rude!

      Like that time CNN said we had to invade Iraq because lies, only louder.

  • Jonny On Maui

    Hey SayitWithWookies, Callyson, and all the great other folk…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2S7lH0xfqI

    Good Night!

    • SayItWithWookies

      Good night — I’m probably cutting out soon too, but it’s been fun!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Alright, I’m lighting out — have a good night y’all!

  • Rebecca Gardner

    What a whack-job. That was funny to watch. I’m betting he’s a Tea Party “Patriot!”

  • kaw143

    I’m going to sign off myself with one last comment: up next, CNN has hired a fact checker to review what the candidates said. Why can’t I get this job? “Everything that was said was a lie. BACK TO YOU, DON!” Good night!

  • MilwaukeeKent

    And thanks to Rebecca, Shy, Dok, etc. for letting us invite all the kids over while they were out. Sorry about the lamp, and the other lamp, the vomit on the carpet, the collapsed car-port, the naked girl passed out in the bathtub, the spray-paint on the walls, the broken picture window…

    • kaw143

      And I’m sure that large-breasted, magic lady we created using the Commodore 64 will only cause a minimum of hijinks. Also, does anyone know why I’m wearing underpants on my head?

      • Kavefish

        If I can have them back, I’ll tell you.

      • Kavefish

        ::::waiting waiting waiting:::

        :::another half hour waiting:::

        Well, it seems you’re gonna hold my underpants hostage until I fess up, so, okay — this is what happened:

        *SOME*one (I’m not naming names…) had the bright idea that we could save space on the veranda if we combined the Keg Stand and Limbo lines together, and, well… what with the profusion of buffalo wings and b-b-q ribs, there was a certian amount of grip slipperiness with both endeavors and, well, I guess you can figure out the rest.

        Can I have them back now? Please?

        • MilwaukeeKent

          Beautiful.

        • kaw143

          Sorry. I think I’ve been a little passed out. Uh, I’m not sure what happened, but you might not want them back, now.

          • Kavefish

            Uh… erm…

            Well, that’s *totally* gonna break up my Star Wars Underoos set, but I see what you mean — looks like they’ve been completely Malheured. :-/

          • kareema

            OMG, we have a GREAT new word for our vocabulary –

            “malheured”

            Perfection.

          • kaw143

            Which is especially confusing because, as I noted, they were on my head

          • Kavefish

            Well, I have to admit, that was one *hell* of a dive from the keg stand!

      • Msgr_Moment

        It was the style at the time?

        • Toomush_Infer

          check for onions…

    • Anarchy Pony

      And that other, other lamp…

    • sw19womble

      Dammit, I miss all the fun. Stupid time zones. :(

    • ExecutorElassus

      Hee hee! This immediately comes to mind:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAmyJGHQRl4

      • MilwaukeeKent

        Ahhh, youth!

    • eddi

      Ain’t no party like a Wonkette party. I cannot wait to try this in a VR setting.

  • Callyson

    Just came back to see that everyone is heading out, so I’ll say good night as well. See you good Wonkers tomorrow!

  • Master Contrail Program

    Unintelligible Yelling

  • Joshua Norton

    I’m actually afraid to go to sleep because there’s a good chance that things will be SO much stupider by the time I wake up.

    • Anarchy Pony

      There’s no such thing as peak stupid.

      • Duke

        Well, Trumps numbers are turning down on RCP right now. But Cruz’s are moving up. I think the total is moving up so, no, we haven’t hit peak stupid yet.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Just sleep in shifts. Joshua the individual sleeps for four hours then Joshua the person sleeps for four more. You’ll never have to let your guard down.

      • MarkM

        That is brilliant, wish I’d thought of it.

      • Boscoe

        Oh yeah sure, then with nobody keeping an eye on him, Joshua the person, who is ALLEGEDLY a horrible, irresponsible lush ALLEGEDLY, goes to Moe’s 24-Hour Drive-Thru Liquor Hut without his license… AGAIN… and gets Joshua the individual’s car impounded and we’re back to where we started…

  • Sterculius

    I knew someone who became obsessed with the “Taxes are voluntary and you don’t legally have to pay them, you only have to file the tax forms” nonsense. He ranted and raved about it 24/7, trying to recruit people. He was about as smart as Ted Nugent. Three years later he was in jail for not paying taxes.

    • JoeChristmas

      Ted Cruz’ platform!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Does his mother still dress him in the morning?

      • Anarchy Pony

        No, she’s at the women’s prison on the other side of the state.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          I thought Huckabee got her out.

          • Anarchy Pony

            I though t Huckabee got her out off.
            FTFY.

          • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

            Eww, gross!!

    • Biff52

      I love the magic bank account they think the gummint opened in their name when they were born.

    • TeeRaak

      Yeah, it’s not like it’s in the Constitution that Congress has the right to levy taxes or anything!

      https://media1.giphy.com/media/CwQuw9MLL4JfW/200w.gif

      • eddi

        But income tax was an amendment. And amendments are not valid. ??

        • sw19womble

          Like the right to bear arms?

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I’m in!

          • Kavefish

            Tha’s some fancy leaf-blower ya got there, son!

          • eddi

            Bill Of Rights are part of the Constitution. Don’t overthink it. That way lies madness. Just remember the Caterpillar in Alice. “A word means what I say it means. No more, no less.”

  • Goposaur

    I’m assuming this gambit has never worked, it’s just some legal unicorn that exists only in the imagination of drunk driving SCs?

    • Anarchy Pony

      You are correct, sir!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      SC’s? Smelly Cocks? Stupid Cunts? Help me out here!

      • sw19womble

        Close enough – Sovereign Citizens.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          I like mine better.

        • eddi

          SovCits.

          • jmk

            SovCits… do they practice OpSec when they provide SitReps as they engage in ops?

            I’ll bet they do…

          • eddi

            Playing at rebellion. At we get some amusement out it.

      • Frank Underboob

        “Sovereign Citizens”. Read the article, they’re hilarious:
        http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Sovereign_citizen

        • Left Coast Tom

          I thought they were Slobberin’ Citizens.

    • akryan

      No shit. I’m sure they all write about it to each other in the dark corners of the internet and convince themselves that it’s an actual valid legal argument. When it doesn’t work, then it just becomes more proof that the government is an unconstitutional dictatorship and the cycle of conspiracy derp continues. Thanks Obama.

      • Msgr_Moment

        FMC.com. Fuck My Court.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Often Utube diatribes…

    • Frank Underboob

      Correct.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    An admirable display of judicial temperament.

  • Parakeetist

    And I thought I was bad when I threw up at the train station on my first day of jury duty.

  • Trump4theWin

    Notice the Judge himself said the charges were for the individual David Hall but not the person. I think this Judge has his law backwards….

    • Greg Comlish

      Notice that the judge doesn’t give a shit because David Hall is a grown man trying to use adolescent word games in a pathetic attempt to shield himself from multiple felonies.

      • kareema

        And does it with STYLE!

        #teamhurley

    • TeeRaak

      Your Sovereign Loon Credit Card has been declined sir.

      Do you have any gold bullion?

      • cousin itt

        Canada libel.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      And the flag, gold fringes or no gold fringes? Hard to tell…

      • dshwa

        Which one infringes on your rights?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      They did, in fact, warn you NOT to take the brown acid.

      • dshwa

        I sometimes feel like I took the blue pill though. And not the endless boners one.

        • Mary Sandoras

          On my part, I don’t see a problem with endless boners, could be grueling for the other sex tho.

          • Toomush_Infer

            painfully happy…

          • dshwa

            The get necrotic from the lack of blood flow if they last more than 4 hours.

    • dshwa

      Irrelevant split hairs are still irrelevant.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Thanks for clicking on our webzone. If you give me your mailing address, I’ll send you a Totino’s Pizza Roll by mail.

      • dshwa

        He needs a pocket dictionary to look up the difference in definition between person and individual. Or lack thereof.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          I can lend him mine. I have “sympathy” bookmarked in it in case I ever need any. It’s between “Shit” and “Syphilis”.

          • The Wanderer

            That reminds me of a short man’s definition of sympathy: A little fellow, feeling.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Seriously, you better hurry up, these things are hot out of the oven, and I want to get ’em to you before they cool in the Postal System.

      • dshwa

        Did he upfist himself? I’m on my phone and can’t tell. He seems like the self gratuitous type of individual. Or person. Or entity. Or whatever.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Interesting. It was done by Hesavebread, a regular. I expected that someone called “Trump4TheWin” to fist himself or herself, too.

          • dshwa

            Accidental fisting? It could happen I guess.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Anything’s possible. I have faith in Hesavebread. I’m sure it was just an accident.

          • Frank Underboob

            Like accidental anal, it’s the kind of accident that generally only happens once.

          • Msgr_Moment

            That’s what Josh said.

          • Hesavebread!

            Cockup not conspiracy, I didn’t realise who it was and thought he was joking. I’ll be over here in the corner . . .

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            No, please don’t banish yourself to the corner. You have advocates.

          • Hesavebread!

            I’ve removed the upfist, as part of my penance.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Fair enough, mistakes are mistakes.

          • Biff52

            He needs remedies!

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Click it again and restore your humanity. It will remove your up fist.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, I can’t wait till you try this out your own self….

  • Greg Comlish

    “I hereby sentence you to death”

    “Where is my Remedy?”

    “Ok fine, just probation”

    “Where is my Remedy?”

    “Alright then, just fill out this form and you’ll be free to go”

    “Remedy”

    “Ok. Just go”

    “Remedy”

    “Alright, take my wallet. It’s got a $100 and a coupon to Chipotle”

  • harryeagar

    The judhe didn’t say $100,000, Doc. He said $100,000,000.00

    • Krombopulous Pichael

      was just gonna say that…

    • dshwa

      What’s a few zeros between loonies?

      • Frank Underboob

        Exactly. As long as you’re wishing for a unicorn, might as well wish for a hundred of them, because it’s just as likely to happen.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    45 years after the Republican Party set about destroying America’s public school system in earnest, here’s the result.

    • Alex Grey

      People voting Republican?

      • Frank Underboob

        That too.

  • Alex Grey

    Shouldn’t it be “Sovereign Idiot” citizen?

  • dshwa

    This was just a preview for the Y’allquada Main Event later this year.
    “Did you in your own person, individual, entity, ID, id, superego, corporeal body, self, or any other synonym of the aforementioned smear feces at the site in question?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      My turds are also sovereign.

      • Antimassacree

        Coincidentally, the Sovereigns are, also too, turds.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Perhaps not coincidentally…

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      What they fail to realize is that my cat is in charge and always has been. Their sovereignty means nothing to her.

      • dshwa

        Is your cat’s name The Lord?

  • Mary Sandoras

    Sovereign Citizens = The poormanz /womenz way of placing themselves above the laws due to lack of political connections and the moniez it takes to achieve that.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      If it worked a little better we’d probably all try it.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Barely OT:

    “Our candidate is mental,” Coulter told Breitbart’s Milo Yiannopoulos during the inaugural episode of his new podcast on Monday. “Do you realize our candidate is mental?” Coulter asked her fellow blond, controversial Trump backer.

    Huh. Youdontsay.

    • Mary Sandoras

      Without the mention of Trump, it would have been a brain teaser as who Coulter was referring to. Cruz or Trump?

      • nmmagyar

        AOT,K

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      I’m surprised Skeletor Coulter didn’t try and exercise Milo Yaddablahblah’s gay-and-foreign demons from his God-given body. That’s totally her schtick. I guess political hypocrisy is more important to her than religious hypocrisy.

      • Mary Sandoras

        I thought pimping her books was her priority. She always seems to crawl out from under her rock when she has a book ready to hit the shelves.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Good point. I’d forgotten that she’d legally changed her name to “Ann” from “Grift”.

      • Biff52

        I’m not gay, but she could probably turn me.

    • Toomush_Infer

      “Pot? This here’s Kettle….”

      • Talking to “frying pan” here on his new show…

    • Then it was explained to her that this Trump issues was really about “ethics in gaming journalism” and Coulter feltvall better about backing Trump.

  • Helena Handbag

    Sorry sovereigns, it works so much better for Catholics that whole triumvirate hocus pocus. Not so much for you. Try getting some dubious miracles attributed to your movement. That’s where the money’s at.

  • WeaselPoo

    It’s a shame this judge didn’t have the luxury of time to more thoroughly explore the boundaries and hinterlands of this “sovereign citizen”.

    For example, whilst “travelling”, what is the process involved in choosing the radio station to listen to? Does the corporation choose the station , while the agent operates the radio?

    What if the individual who does the listening wants to hear something else? Does he make his preference known to the agent, or petition the corporation directly? What if the
    corporation insists on the choice (as corporations tend to do), does the individual then try to recruit the agent in a boycott against the corporation?

    Or does the individual set up a “sovereign court” in the passenger seat to try the corporation for oppression and treason or something?

    Meanwhile, how do these three change lanes, or decide to pull over for a much needed leak?

    Sovereign citizen-ing be motherfuckin harrd, yo!

    • Toomush_Infer

      It’s even worse if you’re the corporation….who decides how much to give to which political campaign and who pays?….

      • nmmagyar

        I think the B.O.D. of the Corp would have to form a PAC, which opens a whole new can of worms

      • NorthStarSpanx

        But that would require recognizing authority/entity over sovereigns in this free land. No one but a Bundy has authority and whatnot.

    • SnarkTank

      And with all those agents, individuals, and persons in the car, is it OK to use the HOV lane?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Only if you’re traveling instead of driving.

    • LadyLaz

      I guarantee you, this judge has already been down the rabbit hole with sovereign citizens. They are not that uncommon in the legal system.

    • Biff52

      I had a committee inside my head for years, amazed I ever got anything done!

    • Roadstergal

      The agent of Roadstergal would like to comment on this post, but the person of Roadstergal is blocking the motion based on the fact that comments are not allowed.

      • WeaselPoo

        Roadstergal Corp and Roadstergal the individual might want to set up a tax-havened PAC consultancy think tank to strategerize a lobbying action to execute a Galt movement,

        • Teto85

          Is a Galt movement like a bowel movement?

    • Teto85

      That’s why I listen to my iPod while traveling. But not while driving or otherwise at the controls of the conveyance.

  • Toomush_Infer

    “Judge! Are you offering that bond personally, or in your corporate identity?”….

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    So, anyone lining up to see this new Arrested Development movie: “Jason Bateman V. Superman: Dawn of Bluth Company”? At least, I think that’s what it’s called. I plan on waiting until the internet’s worked its magic on it and edited it down to something not resembling a Zack Snyder movie.

    • nmmagyar

      Only if Jason Bateman is scantily clad.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        That can be arranged.

  • LadyLaz

    Oh Sovereign Citizens! I love them! When ever I hear them speak, I suddenly hear Christopher Smart’s Poem “For I will consider my cat Jeoffry” in my mind: “For he counteracts the powers of darkness by his electrical skin and glaring eyes.”

    Smart was having a nervous breakdown in prison. English prisons circa 1730 were awesome.

    • AncienReggie

      Off to look up Christopher Smart!

  • blondeiq

    OMG, it’s like that episode of Star Trek TNG when all the Enterprises appeared and Worf’s mind was blown because he had sex with the sexy lady empath in one of the alternate universes. Just like that.

  • AncienReggie

    Is is too late for Barak withdraw the Merrick nomination and send in the person of Judge Hurley instead?

  • VirginiaLady

    How is any of that valid now that corporations are people too? And what if the corporation has schizophrenia and fears a hostile takeover by another corporation which is run by the illuminati? Only on the second Tuesday of the third lunar year of the Chucklefish would this be legally blinding.

  • CAPT Caltrop

    Who’s on first?

    • Teto85

      Yes.

  • Antimassacree

    I kinda wish we could make sovereign citizens unpersons. Maybe just round up the few who don’t already live in Idaho, ship them to Idaho, and build a nice, classy wall.

    • doggiedaddy

      Not that, even Mexico would help pay for.

    • Berkeleybear94

      Don’t do that to Dok. What has he ever done to you?

      • Ulricii

        We’ll burrow a tunnel under it for Dok. He can come and go as he pleases. Worse comes to worse, we’ll have the flying monkeys lift him out.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      Idaho is beautiful. Let’s keep it. Send them to somewhere shitty like Alabama or Kansas.

    • Ulricii

      And make Idahoans (Ida-ho’s?) pay for it! Trump! Trump! Trump!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The settler, the agent, the individual, and the person need to get their act together. Maybe a fifth party, as a tie-breaker, would help?

  • So the settler, the agent, the individual, and the person walk into a bar…

    • Berkeleybear94

      Order 18 drinks, but no one pays. So who is the bouncer hitting in the face?

  • doktorzoom

    And a fine reminder from JJ MacNab, who did some outstanding reporting on the Bundy Militia Clusterfuck and also helped bring this video to recent attention:

    https://twitter.com/jjmacnab/status/714133223136047104

  • People are Corporations Too?

  • SpaceCaptainWarlock

    Sovereign citizen nonsense is like Solipsism. Legal documents aren’t legal documents. They’re just tree pulp with ink splotches on them. Cars aren’t cars. They’re just piles of metal and plastic and rubber. Nothing is real because it’s all a simulation in your mind. Fuck these assholes.

  • Lizernst

    That is one patient judge. I don’t miss Bull, nor do I miss Marky Post. But I do miss Joh Laraquette and his hair.

    • Charon_69

      Sigh…I do miss Markie Post; did you catch John in ‘The Brink’?

  • Mundusvultdecipi

    What happens if the ‘person’ and the ‘agent’ disagree? Whose wishes take precedence? Can the ‘person’ fire the ‘agent’? Can the ‘agent’, if unhappy, refuse to represent the ‘person’?

  • OneDemin EOr

    These people are obsessed with finding meaning in nothing. Fringe on the flag! Admiralty vs. Republic! Federal as public!
    With about 6 more years of education, they’d be ready for a GED.

    • cessnadriver

      12 more.

  • Ulricii

    Winner of the Century. And I’m talking the next 84 years as well as the 16 up to now. I dare any of you individuals/persons/entities/agents to top that.

  • cessnadriver

    What ever happened to this Hall guy?

    • r wood

      short answer……JAIL. If your LAW degree from Trump U gives you the DELUSION you can violate whatever…..Short answer…JAIL.
      Nonsense from internet nuts… can be VASTLY over-rated.

      Trying to apply Vintage ” common law” about ” Traveling” may have bearing…..if you are WALKING. Probably 95% of what ANY of us “needs to know” about the LAW…..happens when we DRIVE a motor vehicle on PUBLIC roads.

      FOOLS fall for the BOGUS “legal advice” from this wacko CULT… and.. guess what. FAIL.

      Hall.. a frequent violator TRIED to spin a web of ‘law” that was on it’s face…. absurd and irrelevant to the REALITY. I DID see the video of his flea circus. Hall… seemed confident he learned a LOT from some nutcase website… and he missed KEY stuff. In my area are local, county,state,federal roads. PUBLIC roads. Laws are in place about operating any MOTOR VEHICLE on ANY public road. To TRY to equate OLD stuff about walking or riding a donkey with MODERN laws governing vehicles on highways.. is a MYTH that fails.

  • Alex R.K.

    The sovereign citizens and other OPCA litigants of the like live in a fantasy world, a self-indulgent escapism. They think reality should go their way because of the baseless conspiracy theories that they believe in, but they’re usually in need of a harsh reality check!

  • Josh Di Donato

    Link in article is not working. Here’s a link to that video that’s working as of 4/29/17 – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vRySQ8rSs9E

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