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Educate us on the ways of the Lord, o wise one.
Educate us on the ways of the Lord, o wise one.

How grateful are we that Michele Bachmann refuses to go gently into that good night? She rages, rages, at the dying of her political career, and we are the recipients of that gift. Michele opened up her AOL Tuesday and saw the news about the Brussels terror attacks and OH MY STARS! She knew it was time to plug her giant crazy eyes into God’s divine nipple plates so she could discern why He, in His infinite wisdom, decided a terrorist attack was part of His plan for that day, and wouldn’t you bet it was God’s way of taking that Kenyan Obamacrat Barry Hussein Soetoro down a few notches?

So she sat down, pulled out a Sharpie, and started writing words on the WorldNetDaily part of her computer screen about what the Lord was revealing at her, about how God uses ISIS attacks to give Obama swirlies and wedgies and stick “Kick Me” signs on his back:

[M]aybe our president’s humiliation comes in a manner so devastating it makes one wonder whether the Creator of humankind isn’t reminding this world of the inferiority of foolishness in the face of wisdom.

The president once again mocked his nemesis, the Jewish people and the nation of Israel, by cleverly turning the international press corps toward his brilliant work in Cuba, instead of covering ongoing Islamic attacks against the Jewish state as outlined that very same day at the annual pro-Israel AIPAC meeting in Washington, D.C.

History changed less than 24 hours later in the blink of an eye, and the rug was pulled out from under his well-laid plans.

His well-laid plans to … (???) … Michele doesn’t fucking know. God didn’t tell her that part. She DOES remind us though that Obama said ISIS was “contained” the day before the Paris attacks happened, so we’re guessing that was just another time The Big Guy In The Sky pants-ed that silly Obama, by killing innocents. SILLY TRICKSTER JESUS.

To help make her point, Michele opened her pop-up prophecy Bible and paraphrased some words she saw to make them about current events:

Bits and pieces of flesh and blood, some Americans, all innocents, were scattered – scattered to further the act of conquest by Islam against the continent once enlightened by the beliefs and values of Western Christendom.

Three men committed to a false God and a doctrine of demons chose death to advance Western civilization’s defeat.

And to fulfill Christ’s holy plan to steal Barack Obama’s lunch money and spread rumors that he had a boner during third period today, don’t forget that part, Michele!

Now you may say Michele Bachmann is fucking insane. We wouldn’t argue. But before you jump to conclusions, you should remember how it was Michele who correctly identified Obama as the foretold Antichrist, who would lead the coming One World Order, once God is done teasing him with noogies, of course.

It was Michele who correctly assessed that America has all the #problems right now because God is giving us a spanking on our red, white and blue heinies, as punishment for electing Obama. That’s obviously the case, obviously.

And of course, it was Michele who correctly predicted that, because Obama is doing the End Times to everybody, Jesus would cometh back upon the clouds and rapture all the Duggars and Palins and the Bachmanns and all the other good white families who love Him so hard, and that’s why all those people are gone now. Bye Duggars, bye Palins, bye Michele, oh wait WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? Any day now, we’re sure.

So considering her track record, we just gotta ask: WHO’S THE INSANE ONE NOW, HUH? Obama or Michele Bachmann? That’s right. It’s dumb Obama.

[WorldNetDaily via Right Wing Watch]

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  • Proud Liberal

    President Obama’s election brought out all of the stupid people!

    • Pickwicknext

      And their inbred siblings too!

      • Proud Liberal

        I’m afraid so.

      • Anarchy Pony

        You mean their spouses?

        • BigBoppa

          Spouses, cousins, livestock. It all works

  • Zippy
    • Proud Liberal

      They don’t know what class is.

      • Treg.Brown

        It’s gold right? Class = The Donald’s plane?

    • Callyson

      Oh, for fuck’s sake.

    • MrBlobfish

      Whatever happened to Pam Geller? This should be right in her wheelhouse.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Oh, FFS. How the fuck does it make ANY kind of sense that God would punish POTUS by attacking Belgium? WT actual Fuck?

    • Zippy

      well, it was that or send a tornado through Oklahoma again…

      • Pinkham’s Law

        That would make more sense. I mean, when Moses and Pharaoh were having their pissing match about where the Hebes were gonna live, God didn’t go smite, I dunno, Greece to make his point, did he? NO! He out-Majiked and plagued and murdered the Egyptians!

        • Toomush_Infer

          God’s gotten a lot more careless since then…

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Or god’s grateful for global telecommunications and internet, because back in the day he did a lot of smiting other people in random places for local sins and transgressions, and nobody ever figured it out because they never knew about it.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Carelessness or dementia? He’s a lot older now, certainly not in his prime anymore.

          • Blank Ron

            He’s getting on. I’m sure his eyesight isn’t what it used to be any more. And you never see pics of Him wearing glasses.

      • Swampay

        Is there anything left worth tornado-ing in Oklahoma?

        • leemoder

          James Inhofe.

    • Pickwicknext

      You’re asking me to decipher this nut bar’s “thought” process? Just let me go smack my head into concrete for an hour and I’ll get back to you.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Let’s give credit where credit is due. She did refer to Obama’s efforts to open diplomatic relations with Cuba as brilliant. That’s definitely movement in a positive direction.

        • Blank Ron

          Stopped clock etc.

  • Treg.Brown

    “[M]aybe our president’s humiliation comes in a manner so devastating it makes one wonder whether the Creator of humankind isn’t reminding this world of the inferiority of foolishness in the face of wisdom.”

    Definitely in the Top Ten worst (mother-fucking crazy) politicians in US history.
    It can only get better, right? RIGHT?!!

    • Proud Liberal

      With this election, I’m not so sure!

    • baconzgood

      I said the same thing about Pat Robertson’s candidacy in ’88.

  • borninatrailer

    Ahh, World Net Daily. Skimming the “cream” from the internet fever swamp since 1997.

  • Indiepalin

    Michele Bachmann’s first thought after the attacks: “Is it Thanksgiving already?!?”

  • Lizzietish81

    God truly does work in mysterious ways…

    • Callyson

      “I like to amuse you Earthlings once in a while.”

      – God

      • Gayer Than Thou

        Dear god – I’m totes OK with divine amusements. Just a thought – more Beyoncé, less natural disaster/terrorist attack.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Like giving mysterious brain disorders to a former Congresswoman.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Her psychiatrist givers her a bottle of antipsychotics at each weekly session. After each weekly session, she takes them home and flushes them down the toilet.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Gee, all that was like, word salad with fancy dressing like.

  • Mavenmaven

    Apparently Obama is President of Brussels? Perhaps she was confusing him with King of Prussia.

    • Nounverb911

      Isn’t that in Pennsylvania?

      • baconzgood

        West Conshohocken LIBEL!

      • Mavenmaven

        yes, it is the home of a very large mall.

    • therblig

      he’s the Mussulman of Brussel-Land

  • Callyson

    The president once again mocked his nemesis, the Jewish people and the nation of Israel, by cleverly turning the international press corps toward his brilliant work in Cuba, instead of covering ongoing Islamic attacks against the Jewish state as outlined that very same day at the annual pro-Israel AIPAC meeting in Washington, D.C.

    Um…so the accusation is that Obama cleverly planned his trip to Cuba to fall on the same day as the AIPAC meeting, just to prevent the press from reporting on it? What was Obama supposed to do, take that day off so that AIPAC could grab the headlines instead?

    • baconzgood

      Until last week I would have thought AIPAC was a life insurance company or a shitty airline that flies from L.A. to Cancun

  • Toomush_Infer

    Obama’s “well laid plans”…..to become trans-white?…Inpeach!…

  • Vecciojohn LLC
    • Joe Beese

      Her face doesn’t move. Like, not even a little bit.

  • cousin itt

    Trump/Bachmann 2016

    Because. Just Because.

    • baconzgood

      BATSHIT/INSANE ’16

    • BearGHAZI

      Frankly, she’s not bangable enough

    • OneYieldRegular

      This has been quite enough Bachmann/Trump Overdrive for one day, thank you very much.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      She wishes.

  • limberrat

    Yay! I was waiting for Crazy Eyes and World Nut Daily’s “opinions” on this critical issue!

  • baconzgood

    Baconz is pretty impressed that she can type while wearing a straight jacket and being THAT medicated.

    • leemoder

      She does have twelve toes.

  • Hmm… God sits back and directs the murder of scores of people to make a political point. She does realize she’s calling God a terrorist, right?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Hey, dude, it’s in the Bible.

    • cousin itt

      Or at least, Sam Peckinpah.

    • Joe Beese

      You ever read the Old Testament? YHWH is gangsta.

      • Yes, but I had thought that we had moved beyond the idea of tribal guilt and collective punishment. I mean, really, why would you worship a god that was like, “Okay, America, you really screwed up by electing the black guy again. Now I have to go kill a bunch of Belgians.”

        Belgians: “You… you don’t have to… do that.”

        “Hey, if I don’t kill you those Americans will never learn.”

        Belgians: “In… in what way at all does that make sense?”

        “MY WAYS ARE NOT YOUR WAYS, OKAY?”

        • BigBoppa

          If there isn’t already a Cliff’s Notes version of the Old Testament, you should hurry this to a publisher tout de suite.

        • Swampay

          Tribal guilt and collective punishment is the subtitle of the Republican party platform.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          OBama: “You know what I hate? Belgians. Always with the cheese and chocolate and strong beers. Fucking Belgians! Miserable fat Belgian bastards! Somebody needs to take those fuckers down a notch.”

          Advisor: “Go to Cuba. No, seriously. Go to Cuba. God’ll fuck ’em up.”

          OBama: “For reals?”

          Advisor: “It’s right there in the Old Testament.”

          • Lamashtar

            Well, Belgium did crush America’s chances at a soccer trophy.

        • YoBunnyBunny

          SATAN: God, we really need to revisit our “territorial prerogatives”. This is more my thing, isn’t it? I let you have your fun with the so-called “Mysterious Ways Clause” but this is getting out of hand.

    • Mike W

      This is why I tend to side with Epicurus on religion. Millenia ahead of people like Bachman.

    • fka_donnie_d

      But the people who actually did this are committed to a false, demonic religion. Ahyup.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    So what and/or whom was god trying to teach a lesson to on 9/11?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Israel? Maybe India?

    • Proud Liberal

      I’m pretty sure it was Obama though we didn’t know it.

    • Michael Smith

      All the liberals in the 90’s who thought that it was okay that we weren’t in a major military conflict with anyone.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Bill Cosby, and I hope he learned something!

    • OddMan

      That one was for the entire country of Kenya.

      Because, Obama of course.

    • baconzgood

      Birth control. Duh?!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Didn’t you see Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson on the teevee after that? It was the Gays. It’s always the Gays.

  • MrBlobfish

    I must be missing something. Is Belgium now a suburb of Philadelphia? What exactly should the POTUS be doing?

    • Spotts1701

      Bombing something. Preferably something with a Muslin-y sounding name.

      • Querolous

        Cairo,IL? Elkader, IA? Medina, WA?

        • PubOption

          Alexandria VA? Lebanon MO? … It looks like Sharia has crept into American place names.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Addressing AIPAC, apparently. On his knees.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Bits and pieces of flesh and blood, some Americans, all innocents, were scattered – scattered to further the act of conquest by Islam against the continent once enlightened by the beliefs and values of Western Christendom.
    She’s certainly no Dr. Seuss.

    • MrBlobfish

      Dr. Demented.

  • beavertank

    I guess I wasn’t aware that Brussels was in Israel. I’m sure glad good ol’ One-L Michele corrected me on that.

  • chimichanga

    Yea! and Yay! Michele and Sarah in one day. Let the Snark begin

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Yeikes, she is a bloodthirsty nutbag. In conclusion, being subjected to her lunacy is God’s way of punishing those of us that masterbated last night. You know who you are, damn you!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      Certainly explains why she’s around so much.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Your god sure seems like a petty, vindictive piece of shit.

    • therblig

      well, she IS in His image

  • Toomush_Infer

    Minnesota Serves up Crazy Hot Dish!…..

    • Nounverb911

      Cayenne Lutefisk?

      • BigBoppa

        Tuna casserole Diablo?

        • Nounverb911

          Tuna Casserole Dildo?

          • OddMan

            Dad?

        • OddMan

          Mom?

    • Querolous

      With a nice Sriracha Jello salad.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Oh please, Michele, we are reminded of the inferiority of foolishness in the face of wisdom every time you speak.

  • Michael Smith

    I think she meant that Obama was trying to use Cuba to distract the world from his softness on terrorism, and that this attack foiled his plans, haw haw.

    See, for conservatives the entire world revolves around America’s Divine Calling to Destroy Islam. So they assume that Obama’s entire life is built around this subject as well – just from the opposite angle. Obama is a part of the Evil Muslim Scheme to Destroy America (and places like Europe, America’s Apostle in the Ways of Freedom).

    So no matter what he does, he’s either trying to distract us from his evil plan, or furthering it directly.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Being married to Marcus, she will never know what being “well-laid” means.

  • LarryHoudini

    God punishes Obama by allowing terrorists to attack Belgium—yet also allowed terrorists to strike US America itself during the reign of devout Christian George Bush.
    THE WAYS OF THE LORD ARE TRULY MYSTERIOUS.

    • NoGoodnik

      Obviously 9/11 was punishment for Blaise Compaoré to humiliate him and pull the rug out from under his well-laid plans. The bastard, Blaise! I always KNEW there was something wrong with that guy.

  • OddMan

    What the holy fucking hell type of God does this stupid woman worship? A God that would kill, mangle and mutilate hundreds of innocent people to prove a political point? In a different country?

    Bachmann is literally a God Damned idiot.

    • Toomush_Infer

      You don’t know her Lord…..obv…..

    • Proud Liberal

      Well said, my man!

      • OddMan

        Thank you, I learned my skills here, not commenting and not reading them.

    • BigBoppa

      Actually, I think a better description is God addled idiot. And, sadly for us, Ms OneL is not alone by a long shot.

      • Notreelyhelping

        So what’s the deal with tornadoes and trailer parks? False flag?

        • BigBoppa

          I always thought the trailer park thing was the one sensible thing a god would do…if she existed at all.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Let’s face it – even God doesn’t love a trailer park…

        • Jonny On Maui

          Trailers are tornado magnets.

          Double wides twice as much…

          • willi0000000

            “there is a simple proof of why tornadoes are attracted to large aluminum boxes . . . unfortunately there isn’t enough room here in the margin to write it down.”
            – Fermat

    • Barley_Brains

      Just the typical God of all fundamentalist assholes everywhere for all time.

  • NoGoodnik

    United Fucking States of Fucking Stupid! How narcissistic do you have to be to believe god would take time out of her busy schedule to attend to your petty political vendettas and then punish your personal nemesis — who, by the way, barely realizes she exits and is still a thing and doesn’t know they are nemesi — by murdering and destroying the lives of hundreds who are wholly unconnected to either of them?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      If she can plausibly work into this theory the existence of both the Easter Bunny and the Sasquatch, I’m with her.

  • MJVD

    Did we learn nothing from Depeche mode? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDlQKhdo2eQ

  • BearGHAZI

    It’s like how I masturbated yesterday, and some kid in Niger starved to death.

    • Toomush_Infer

      What does it cost to send a small glassine envelope?…

      • cousin itt

        There are hungers that cannot be sated.

    • John Smith

      You heartless cad!

    • arglebargle

  • therblig

    shouldn’t she and marcus be working a double-headed corndog together?

    • chicken thief

      Oops. Knew I shoulda scrolled down….

  • Anarchy Pony

    FFS. Isis isn’t like fucking Cobra. It’s a decentralized organization, any fundie muslim fanatics can pull off some attack and say it was for isis, that doesn’t mean isis sent agents with specific plans for attack.

  • Lizzietish81

    God certainly has terrible aim doesn’t he?

  • MJVD

    Did we learn nothing from Depeche Mode? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDlQKhdo2eQ

  • Scooby

    How is it this false God is so much more powerful than the real God?

  • MrBlobfish

    So, all the international press corps are in Cuba? I hope the island doesn’t sink.

    • Nounverb911

      They’re all in Argentina now looking for Bill O’Reilly’s favorite hidey holes…

  • OneYieldRegular

    It’s just like that time the Creator and his 19 terrorists pulled the rug out from under George W. Bush’s well-laid plans to spend the late summer clearing brush down at the Crawford ranch.

    • Toomush_Infer

      What? Did God think that brush would clear itself? Foolish!….

  • chimichanga

    God – made in her own image.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Obama’s slavish press corps was forced
    to turn their uncritical gaze from adoring him to revealing the newest
    carnage in Brussels. Our eyes were spellbound.”

    Michele, honey — your eyes got that way from staring at the sun every day waiting for the Rapture. Also, people are spellbound — your eyes are just tracking stuff that isn’t there.

  • goonemeritus

    Man her God seems like a total dick! How do you pray to an entity that would facilitate the killing of 20 people and the maiming of scores more to spite a retiring politician.

    • Anarchy Pony

      He once drowned the world cuz they were naughty. Had to drown ’em. Couldn’t make it quick and clean. Had to drown ’em.

      • Proud Liberal

        LOL!

  • baconzgood

    “Fuckin’-a, you ain’t pinning this shit on me bitch!”
    -God-

  • chicken thief

    Someone hand her a corndog so she’ll stfu for a minute or two before passing it on to Marcus.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I like the pics where Michele practically deep-throated her corndog while Marcus opened his lips but kept his teeth tightly clenched. Don’t want to be too obvious, do we, Marcus?

      • Nounverb911

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Jesus Christ, Michele. Sometimes a banana is only a banana.

    • chimichanga

      except when it’s her dildo

      • w9anthimos

        …or a corn dog.

    • Toomush_Infer

      I believe you meant to say “corn dog”…

  • chimichanga

    From that other deep thinker, Elmer Fudd; “God is such a wascally wascal!”

  • Randy Riddle

    “She knew it was time to plug her giant crazy eyes into God’s divine nipple plates …. ”

    I come to Wonkette for the dick jokes. But it’s the intelligent and insightful political analysis that keeps me coming back.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    “it makes one wonder whether the Creator of humankind isn’t reminding
    this world of the inferiority of foolishness in the face of wisdom.” – is she saying that the Belgians are foolish and ISIS are wise, or what?

  • schmannity

    OK America, shape up or Brussels gets it, see!

    –God

  • Proud Liberal

    Truth.

    • The Wanderer

      Yep.

    • Blank Ron

      And why not? They’re simple to make and require next to no maintenance.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    If we accept Michele’s premise that everything that is happening is God’s handiwork for electing Barack Obama President, we also have to accept that he urged Michele Bachmann to run for President knowing full well that her efforts would result in abject failure. Are we sure Michele isn’t worshipping Loki?

    • Blank Ron

      I’m a trickster, not a conscienceless murderer.
      – Loki

  • Anarchy Pony

    OT: Paul Ryan apologizes for saying terrible things, remains terrible. http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2016/03/23/3762699/paul-ryan-trump-2016/

    • Spotts1701

      Yeah, yeah. I’ll believe it when you walk the walk, Paulie.

    • HanBarbara

      We will starve them more respectfully from now on.

      • PubOption

        A kinder, gentler GOP.

  • Toomush_Infer

    The End Times are the hardest for One-L to shut up….

  • Joe Beese

    O/T: Holy shit, is this guy ugly.

    • Nounverb911
      • beavertank

        It’s pure evil in gif form.

    • cousin itt

      Why are his testicles where his chin should be?

      • Nounverb911

        Just the inspiration I need this afternoon playing golf.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Hit the ball, drag Ted…..

      • OneWhiteWhisker

        So he can teabag himself.

      • Blank Ron

        Well, why do we assume that we’re the only ones who want to kick his balls that hard?

    • chicken thief

      That indent in his ‘chin’ is where Charles and David rest their scrotum.

    • HanBarbara

      Conservative s.o. said “something ain’t right about that man”. I just felt a little more love.

    • therblig

      spiderus cruz

  • Spotts1701

    She and Joe Walsh – two frickin’ peas in a pod they are. Walsh doesn’t want people to light candles to mourn the dead – he wants them to light bombs to blow up “terrorists” (with a picture of the Brussels suspects with crosshairs surveyor’s marks superimposed on their faces).

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    God really bitch-slapped George W. Bush, then, and she didn’t get that memo.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      And people in Brussels go: “Hey, we didn’t elect either of them!”

  • Be Gin

    Michelle’s anthropomorphized god sucks.

    That goes for all of these false idols people get so worked up about.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      One l in michele. All the crazy ones have one l.

      Bachmann, Fiore.

      • cousin itt

        Hitler.

        • Blank Ron

          Hitler’s first name was Michele? That explains a great deal.

          • BackDoorMan

            … I thought his first name was Heil. Maybe that was the short form of Micheil?

          • Blank Ron

            It’s all so clear now!

  • chicken thief

    I can see she’s given this a lot of thought.

    • Anarchy Pony

      “Thought”

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      She should divorce the gay guy and settle down with a nice lesbian woman, and I bet then a lot of this malfunction would clear up.

      • YourNameHere

        As a lesbian, I am not allowing this. She’s responsible for too many of our children being hurt.

        • Skadi

          If it makes her stop, wouldn’t it be worth it?

          • YourNameHere

            Fine but NOT IT.

    • Proud Liberal

      With her one brain cell.

    • cousin itt

      Ah, Grasshopper, that is the sound of one brain cell clapping.

    • baconzgood

      “giving thought” still means “incomprehensible mouth diarrhea” right?

  • chiefkurtz

    I see, god gets displeased with Obama, so he arranges innocents in Belgium to die. Sounds like a petulant brat with unlimited power, and no sense of how to use it, and clearly not worthy of worship.

    • doktorzoom

      Things that make my nerd heart happy: fan arguments (with detailed episode references) over whether Trelane was part of the Q Continuum, and whether the novel Q-Squared should be allowed to count.

      • cousin itt

        Q is the being I dream of growing up to be.

        • leemoder

          Trelane had the better wardrobe, though.

          • BigBoppa

            LIBERACE LIBELZ!!!!infinity!

          • therblig

            yeah, but his mom picked it out for him.

        • doktorzoom

          John de Lancie (once the character got past the awful series premiere) clearly was having the most fun of anyone in TNG and Voyager.

          Still waiting for Discord to show up in some episode of MLP wearing a Starfleet admiral’s uniform. It must happen.

      • Spotts1701

        Q-Squared should count just for Picard doing his best Errol Flynn.

        • doktorzoom

          I believe that the novels are generally agreed to be non-canon. But the Star Wars novels somehow are, or at least the “Extended Universe” ones? Not quite my area of fandom expertise…

          • Spotts1701

            Depends. The stories themselves tend to remain non-canon (and anything prior to about 2000 is only loosely connected to the “Novelverse” that developed around then as an effort to create a more coherent and cohesive expanded universe). But elements of them (Diane Duane’s Romulan series, Jeri Taylor’s Mosaic, etc.) have been grafted into canon works.

      • Boscoe

        I just simplify my life by saying anything without Kirk and Spock in it never happened. ;P

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Michele’s god was aiming for Obama, but he has terrible eyesight.

    • Boscoe

      Wait, so you’re saying Ted Cruz DOES look like god??

  • Lefty Frizzell

    There’s a kangaroo loose in the upstairs paddock.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Why didn’t Obama make the world end?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Sporting chance….

      • Marr

        Oh oh I know this one, “To get to the other side.”

  • Duke

    She’d be less crazy if she was getting good, hard banging occasionally.

    • chicken thief

      Alas, volunteers are impossible to find at this point….

      • Jenny

        If we blessed a vibrator do you think she might use it?

        • chicken thief

          On herself or on Marcus?

      • Duke

        I’m putting my hand up.

  • Sardonicuss

    When will Obama learn to anti-christ properly?

    • limberrat

      He is so dumb, but he is the most clever evil person ever!

  • Mimihaha

    Who?

  • MrBlobfish

    Michele’s God sounds more like Kim Jong Un.

    • Blank Ron

      Without the charm.

  • Swampay

    This god of yours is a nasty motherfucker. I guess you really are made in his image.

    • MrBlobfish

      You see this cat God is a bad mother
      (Shut your mouth)
      But I’m talkin’ about God
      (Then we can dig it)

  • TheBidenator

    Uhm one-L….what did the Brussels attack have to do with Israel or the United States? What the fuck does ANY OF THIS have to do with Israel or the United States?!? I need a fucking drink, these fucking people…..

    • limberrat

      In their mind EVERYTHING is connected to the US and Israel.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    I thought she was going away to avoid indictment?

  • TheBidenator

    “Three men committed to a false God and a doctrine of demons chose death to advance Western civilization’s defeat.”
    Since Islam, Christianity and Judaism all pray to the same god well….
    One-L just admitted she’s an atheist….yeah like that’s news to anyone.

    • limberrat

      Lol, unfortunately in one-Ls mind, Islam prays to a separate, false God. Of course in her mind, it’s likely Catholics aren’t christian either.

      • BigBoppa

        If personal experience counts for anything, I’m pretty sure she thinks at least half of the members of her own church aren’t true christians.

        (My mother belonged to a church from the same synod so I’ve been there, done that.)

  • doktorzoom

    “Sorry, we’ll have to reschedule the summit. There’s another AIPAC convention coming up, and we can’t risk God’s wrath.”

    • leemoder

      That one never worked when I wanted to watch Wonder Woman.

  • janecita

    Michele Bachmann, is proof that some people are in dire need of a good fuck. Living a non-sexual life could make you say crazy ass things.

    • leemoder

      No, no, no! That bloodline has to be stopped right where it is.

      • Boscoe

        That’s why Jesus invented the Sybian. :)

        • therblig

          that’s in the Book of Revibrations, correct?

    • Tansy Geek

      Shit! I hadn’t consider that possibility. Oh well. Crazy Town here I come!

      • janecita

        Taking one for the team?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    At least Bill’O looks fabulous when he’s talking trash about Democrats.

    https://twitter.com/morninggloria/status/712431084181569536

    • cousin itt

      Dear Unsalted, you are a very bad person.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        Some might even say a sinner.

    • BigBoppa

      That was truly frightening. Well played.

    • PubOption

      Boy George has not aged well.

  • Nockular cavity

    So, wait: the terrorists actually *are* doing God’s work? Yokay, Michele!

  • Marr

    Clearly what her and voices missed in the previous episodes of Transmissions from God, because AM reception must be spotty where she lives, is that Obama is actually God’s attempt to bring humility and stop the GOP from bringing about the Apocalypse before its scheduled date and time.

  • Joshua Norton

    26 dead in Brussels: “Panic! Close the borders! We’re all gonna die! Blame Obama!”
    26 dead in Newtown: “Shit happens, get used to it yo.”

    • Spotts1701

      “Besides, I’m late to the dinner the NRA is throwing for me as a Second Amendment defender.”

      • Barbaraasinegal3

        “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….

        two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Here!oi1833➤➤➤➤➤ http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsMedia/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:❖:❦:::::!oi1833…….

    • 60 dead in Ankara:

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Ankara was just the continuing conflict between the Kurds and the Turks. But Brussels was ISIS (dump gasoline on head). ISIS !!! (Light hair on fire) FUCKING ISIS !!! (Proceed to run around all crazed)

    • Beaumarchais?

      29 dead in a coal mine and Don Blankenship gets a year in jail.

  • Nounverb911

    ….

  • shastakoala

    Bachmann is nuts? What a revelation.

    • PubOption

      Is she one of the four llamawomen of the apocalypse?

  • Constant Gardener

    If you don’t know anything, “God” is the answer to all questions. Except,”who run the world?” of course.

  • Msmlg1979

    God, it’s Ms. MLG. I know you don’t hear from me any longer since I wised up, but if you’re there, could you please, pretty please, with lamb’s blood on top, rapture this crazy bitch so we don’t have to witness her using a tragedy in which humans senselessly and violently lost their lives in her desperate attempt to be relevant, when she so clearly is not? Amen.

  • georgiaburning

    Angry at Obama in Cuba and so he hits Belgium? I thought God had much better aim.

    • clubseal

      I don’t know; when he said, “Let there be light,” that shit got everywhere.

  • dslindc

    Typical Crazy Eyes “Hypnotoad” Bachmann always trying to ram her insanity down everyone’s throat!

  • Apparently God’s vengeance generates a lot of collateral damage.

    …which I suppose shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone who reads the Old Testament.

    …I somehow doubt that Bachmann reads.

  • Antimassacree

    It’s never pretty when assholes make a deity in their own image.

    • Blank Ron

      Unskilled labour.

  • dshwa

    I swear Betty Bowers was based on her.

    • major_asshole

      I adore Betty Bowers.

      When I started sharing her stuff on Facebook, some of my friends were aghast, thinking that I actually believed it all.

  • OneWhiteWhisker

    Yay!

  • John Wills

    Been wondering why we still bother to engage this glassy eyed has-been, but the entertainment value is something — I gues

  • proudgrampa

    Keep immanentizing that Eschaton, Michele.

    • AncienReggie

      Word.

      • Paul

        Salad.

    • chicken thief

      I love it when you talk dirty.

  • AnOuthouse

    She’s got the crazy down. She should co-host that judge show the Snowbilly might be quitting.

  • SpaceCaptainWarlock

    Damn, Michele, your god is a real prick. Must be why you like him so much.

    • Thorn Spike

      Probably the only prick she gets.

      • paul helssom

        I’m sure she gets the occasional sloppy seconds once her husband is done with them.

        • Thorn Spike

          Ick, but probably true.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    Dear Michelle Bachmann’s God: you missed. Brussels is not a US American city, nor does Barry H. Satan control anything that happens there. Nice try, maybe get some glasses?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Theofascist bitch should shut her pie hole.

    • potrzebie

      That’s “corn dog hole” to you sir!

  • major_asshole

    Christ alive, that there is some Palin-class word salad.

    But just so I’m clear on this: Somehow–SOMEHOW–Obama’s nemesis is Judaism itself, which is connected somehow to Cuba. And the attacks on Judaism and Israel (which are, obviously, one in the same!) are connected to…uh…the attacks in Brussels because “false God” (hey, she capitalised that herself, which means it’s a proper deity) and “Western Christendom,” which must necessarily be distinct from Eastern Christendom.

    Michele “One-L” Bachmann: Pretty sure she’s crazy, pretty sure she’s not Christian.

    The only reason most Republicans give a shit about Israel is because it fits in their armageddon plans so nicely. Which is cute, because they and their forebears (aka the pre-1950s Democrats) were nothing but dicks to Jews. See the tragedy that was the cruise ship St Louis as a specific example of conservatives’ “love” for Jews.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      All this armageddon crap was invented about two centuries ago, out of thin fucking air by some “man of God” looking to score some grift.

      • Blank Ron

        When you’re so deliberately stupid that you can claim that the planet is only 6020 years old, you can convince yourself that something published in 1909 counts as ‘ancient wisdom.’

        • Left Coast Tom

          No wonder Kim Davis’ lawyer kept insisting that her membership in a Protestant denomination that began in the late 1800s constituted an “orthodox faith”.

  • Candy Apple

    Sorry, crazy lady, Jesus said differently:

    Romans 13:1 — Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
    2 — Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Odin? Fuck, I thought it was Zeus. Well, I guess this makes me a Greek Atheist or something.

      • Candy Apple

        Ooops, I have a Chrome extension that automatically changes “God” to “Odin.” I might need to tweak that a bit…

    • Me not sure

      Sooo….Jesus was an authoritarian? Who knew?

      • Paul né Saul of Tarsus was a big old authoritarian, also a closeted homo.

        • Me not sure

          “I come not to bring peace but to bring a sword.”
          The Gospel of St. Matthew

          • Though I am Not A Christian (though my wife is), I’m a student of comparative religion and generally what they think Jesus meant by that is that he really did come to stir things up in favour of the oppressed. Which is precisely the opposite of what Paul says in that quote from Romans, of course.

          • Me not sure

            Yup. Matthew is the only Gospel in which that quote appears. Jesus the rebel.

        • James Spaith

          Man I love reading comments in which people take the time to not only spell correctly, but also do it in a furrin langwidge, and get the gender right too!!!

  • IHaveThoughts

    “The president once again mocked his nemesis, the Jewish people”

    Hey Michelle, speaking in my official capacity as A Jewish Person, FUCK DIRECTLY OFF. Evangelical Christians want Jews restored to the homeland so that Armageddon can begin and the world can end and they can meet Jesus. They think we’re useful idiots. I’ve never seen any actual real-life evidence that Obama has any beef with Jews, but Michelle Bachmann tries to paint it as Us Against Him, to which I say TEAM OBAMA 4 LYFE, crazy lady.

    Also, wandering into the shallow end of the pool, holy blur tool, Batman.

    • jqheywood

      “holy blur tool” –> you got that right!

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        The softest of the filters, right there. Is she trying out for a telenovela?

    • PubOption

      Jewish People = AIPAC or Likud?

  • FlownOver

    This “God” you speak of – he’s quite a dick, isn’t he?

    • Eyeball Freckles

      Personally I prefer Black Jesus

  • SK

    So Yahweh punished Obama by having three explosions in Brussels.

    You know, that is precisely his MO, so Michele may be on to something here.

    • Me not sure

      Check the security videos for a burning bush in a hat and raincoat standing near the Victoria’s Secret store in the concourse.

    • Erik Lonnrot

      Turning him into a pillar of salt would really piss of the First Lady, not very healthy.

      • SK

        That’s not how Yahweh works. If you turn Obama into a pillar of salt, then it’d piss off Nicki Haley’s husband. To piss off the First Lady, you’d have to turn John Boehner into a chimney

  • URQ196

    Nice to see that she is still batshit crazy.

  • TheBidenator

    So god’s way of punishing Obama for not sucking Netanyahu’s dick was to allow a turrist attack to happen in Europe? I think a study should be convened for one-L with the following thesis: Being this absorbed into strange religious cults while being a life long virgin married to an obvious gay man can altar ones perception of reality
    Null: Michele Bachman has actually had sex at least once….

    • thixotropic jerk

      …Apparently Karazy Eyez went to the Nancy Raygun School of Sexotology

      • potrzebie

        Too funny. I was going to reference her talent with corn dogs as a reply to this post then scrolled a little further. I haven’t seen this particular version. Nice touch!

        • thixotropic jerk

          Only too happy to oblilge, m’lawd or m’lady as the case may be

        • James Spaith

          OMG a Mad Magazine fan!!! ;-)

  • Blank Ron

    One-L sharted:

    The president once again mocked his nemesis, the Jewish people and the nation of Israel, by cleverly turning the international press corps toward his brilliant work in Cuba, instead of covering ongoing Islamic attacks against the Jewish state…

    So, the Wailing Wall is in fact part of the Cathedral of St. Michael and St. Gudula? Good to know. I can get way cheaper airfares to Brussels than Jerusalem.

    • Left Coast Tom

      I’m guessing the beer’s better in Brussels as well.

  • Bless her heart. She has the right to remain silent, but not the sense to exercise it.

    • Blank Ron

      She has Important Things To Say. That none of them make any sense to sane people is quite irrelevant.

  • jmhm

    Well, if we’re toting up what side who is on here, we’d also keep in mind that Obama got re-elected by the whole America, while God apparently couldn’t get Miz Michele re-elected in a district gerrymanderered out of white flight suburbs full of embittered wingnuts who thought Minneapolis-St Paul were too, um, urban.

    • zerosumgame0005

      I was there in 1971 when St Cloud had it’s first BLACK FAMILY move in, ever, their daughter was really special…

    • cessnadriver

      She would have won re-election in that district. They just have to bus enough seniors to the polls, and then on to the Indian casinos for a buffet.

      The repig party fired Shelley because they found someone WORSE to take that seat.

    • Mark Breitinger

      As you well know, Magic Sky Fairy elected Bamz twice just to troll Michele Bachman and get her panties bunched.

  • Wow. Conservatives are heartless.

    • zerosumgame0005

      gutless soulless and brainless also, to!

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      They certainly take pride in a capricious, vengeful and cruel concept of a god. “Let’s see…I’m mad at that one black guy down there…hmmm, I think I’ll kill a bunch of Belgians. That’ll show him.”

      • Oh please. Stop being so obtuse
        You morons want and wish for a One Party Nation. Conservatives are hideous and disgusting creatures. PERIOD.

        Go back to BrightBart, where you belong, conservative POS.

        • Swampgas_Man

          Uh– he posted nothing that REMOTELY seems conservative, crazy person.

          • Oh please. I’ve seen that posters comments before.
            You should think before you post.

          • Left Coast Tom

            …I don’t think Swampgas_Man is the one who needs to be lectured about thinking before posting. Usedtobeyellerdawg” was agreeing with you, but I guess you don’t like that sort of thing?

          • The FOX NEWS is Flemish TV today

          • Rush Limbaugh’s Hate Radio Network Home Facing $20 Billion Bankruptcy

            Between the StopRush movement’s pressure and Willard Romney’s bankruptcy gang, iHeart radio is badly in debt.…

      • Lordpnut

        The God of the O.T. is a demanding prick, always threatening to “break out against thee” and such. HE seems to lose interest after Job.

  • Charlie Gassaway

    Cruz is gonna need a Vice President.

  • potrzebie

    Vile. Disgusting. Repugnant. Heinous. Despicable. I could go on all day.

    • tinker12

      And those are her good points.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    So ISIS members are actually warriors doing murder-things to Belgians for The True Christian God, after all… In order to harm US President Obammer?

    Which is also exactly what ISIS says they’re doing (except for the Christian part)?

    Do I fucking have this right??

    • Duke

      Yes, ISIS is doing the biding of the angry Christian god.

      Someone needs to tell them that so they can send us all flowers, or free oil, or something nice and defy Yahweh!

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    I think she was speaking in tongues. No one is supposed to understand it. Come to think of it, maybe she only speaks in tongues. That would explain a lot.

    • potrzebie

      So THAT’S what’s wrong with Sarah Palin!

      • Left Coast Tom

        No, Sarah’s just speaking in Meth.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT JESUS CHRIST?

  • Poly_Ester

    Her “analysis” is not even coherent enough to qualify as a Non Sequitur

  • JVB

    Just do this and your “husband” Marcus will help you. Bitch.

    • Iam Reading

      Biting and poking. She needs serious remedial fellatio

  • Mike G

    This Lady is nuts. Bernie Sander Them Song Video https://youtu.be/adu8-w9HYRw

  • John Smith

    If she is saying God and Jesus are allowing this to happen? If so how is that different from Allah?

    I was always taught in 12 years of Catholic school that God has nothing to do with bad things that happen. If he does, according to Michelle, then he is also the one who created the two worst words in the English language: pediatric oncology. Is Michelle’s God punishing the children for something?

    • Erik Lonnrot

      If you buy that as soon as sperm meets egg you’ve got a person (as I’m assuming crazy Bachmann does) then god kills like half of all babies in their first few weeks of life.

      • Lordpnut

        What’s the difference between God and Hillary? God kills EVERYTHING.

  • Will in Pgh

    Is it just my imagination, or does she have that same pinched look most recently seen on Melanoma Trump’s “face.” Think she could be angling for a “position” with the Donad?

    • Mark Breitinger

      A missionary position, perhaps?

  • Iam Reading

    No amount of deep ducking can fix this level of crazy. Ladies, this is a cautionary tale for those of you considering marrying a gay man. The lack of sex could drive you insane

  • OrdinaryJoe

    One L’s god is directing that people in Belgium be slaughtered, people who have nothing to do with the United States, to make a political point to the President of the United States about his policies impacting the setting of borders for countries in an area of the world that is thousands of miles away from the United States and Belgium.

    That woman is seriously unhinged. Her god too.

  • tinker12

    One L said that Obummer’s Cuba plan was “brilliant.” Musta been a Freudian slip.

  • waynef43

    If that’s what your God does for fun then your God is an asshole.

  • Paperless Tiger

    … the act of conquest by Islam …

    Since when is blowing up a Starbucks an act of conquest? It’s just more of the same mad-bomber bullshit that’s been going on since [the Chinese] invented bombs.

    • Zhu Bajie

      To scare away evil spirits and Mongol horsemen, mainly.

  • BadKitty904

    Who?

  • Scooby

    Gods mocking her and she doesn’t even realize it.

  • Lordpnut

    When Blackety McBlackenheima receives His Holy vicegrip-fingered purple nurple, the time is nigh.
    Can I get a Hallelujah?

  • MagicJesus

    I had nothing whatsoever to do with it…
    I was at the Baja Beer Festival.

  • cessnadriver

    Holy crap.

  • azeyote

    well laid plans? – me guesses that Marcus went limp for that bitch –

  • Cranky Man

    What scares me, makes me wake up shaking and sweating like a whore at a prison rodeo, is, they believe this trope, just like I believe in gravity.
    Now, I don’t need to spell out who they are do I? If so please rent Blazing saddles, fast forward to the part where the new sheriff gets learned from Gene Wilder about his constitutes.

    • cat cafe

      People of the land! Simple people! You know…

      • Cranky Man

        Themselves is they!

  • Bill

    Crazy Lady needs to double up on her medication…

  • Enfant Terrible

    Michele, honey… your god is too small.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Isn’t Michele B. Lutheran? Hasn’t she read “Against the Jews and Their Lies,” by Dr Martin Luther? Although he hated Muslims and Catholics almost as much.

    • lurch394

      She switched from Lutheran to some kind of generic evangelical church. Wikipedia cites sources that identify her as a follower of Dominionism. I can believe it.

  • Mike W

    So she worships a God who kills scores of Belgians to get back at Obama? Yeah that’ll get me to show up to church.

  • Hesavebread!

    Michelle, it isn’t about you dear. Not everything revolves round you. Daesh hate the Belgians for reasons completely unconnected to you. Now put on your big girl pants and show some compassion.

  • JustPixelz

    “as outlined that very same day”

    Is there some distinction that makes a “very same day” more of the same day than “same day”? Or is it like “most unique”, i.e. moronic phrasing?

  • WhyFelicia

    That reads like a very well thought-out application for the position of Vice Presidential nominee on the Bugfuck Batshit Klownkar Extravaganza ticket!

  • kareemachan

    Yesterday, upon the stair,

    I met a crazo who wasn’t there.

    She wasn’t there again today,

    I wish, I wish she’d go away…

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Could we launch the Space Shuttle one more time? Please, please!

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