SHARE

adopts-baby630

Greetings, explorers and enthusiasts of the great unknown! Welcome to the Snake Oil Bulletin. Its mission: to seek out the best in hoaxes, scams, conspiracies, and assorted pseudoscientific nonsense that happens to roll across our tiny desk deep within the pleasure dungeons of the Wonkette Compound. First on our agenda, we profile the man who has been making a bit of a stir in the newsy world for his insistence on knowing DA TRUTH. And quite frankly, he’s so nice and not-crazy about it that we’re willing to indulge him a little.

Clinton Campaign Manager John Podesta Wants To Believe…And We’re Super Okay With That

First on our agenda, we’ll be examining the wacky woolly world of UFOlogy, that tantalizingly promising yet ultimately disappointing field of study that every 6-year-old wanted to follow from the moment he realized aliens were even cooler than dinosaurs. While most of us (at least publicly) gave up our hopes of finding aliens hiding under our grandpa’s porch, some of us kept believing right up until the day they took away our tinfoil beanies. Still others kept our love of possible Martian messengers locked firmly in the realm of reality, going all the way to our current job as director of Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. Wait, wah? Readers, meet John Podesta.

Podesta has been involved with Washington politics since the Clinton administration and actually founded and still serves on the board of the Center for American Progress. He acted as Bill Clinton’s chief of staff, Counselor to the President in the Obama administration, and currently serves as Hilldawg Clinton’s chief campaign manager. You know that night in which Hillary Khan rampaged through the American south, capturing all the delegates and laying waste to the tiny shrunken baby peenies of dudebros who hate hearing ladies talk words? That was John Podesta’s campaign.

It’s a very impressive slate of accomplishments for a dude who can’t stop talking about UFOs. Podesta’s entire career has revolved around UFOs. According to Podesta’s own words, Clinton’s promise to investigate and release more documents related to UFOs were she to become President was a major condition for Podesta to join her campaign:

Hillary Clinton, while at the Sun, added that the chairman of her campaign, John Podesta, is a huge fan of UFO lore. She said he enjoys a sci-fi show on the FX network. Podesta served as chief of staff to Bill Clinton and counselor to the president for Barack Obama.

“He has made me personally pledge we are going to get the information out,” said Clinton. “One way or another. Maybe we could have, like, a task force to go to Area 51.”

Podesta has made declassification a hallmark of his public service records, even convincing notorious blabbermouth Wiley Willy Clinton to declassify as many documents as he could about the Roswell incident on the 50th anniversary of the event.

In 2002, Podesta put all his Xenomorph eggs in one basket by backing a landmark Freedom of Information Act case that sought to declassify information about a 1965 UFO incident in Keksburg, Pennsylvania. The judge ruled that NASA was required to go over and release multiple documents related to the incident in order to present them to reporters. But when that fateful day finally arrived NASA provided scores of docs that had nothing to do with the case, which Podesta considered a travesty. While he initially praised the order as a “a triumph for open government and the spirit of inquiry,” he seemed to sour on the case after NASA scuttled the big reveal.

Let it be known that we are the last to follow the “if they want to hide it, that must mean it’s really juicy” line of fallacious thought, and for his part Podesta seems the same. While a member of the Obama administration, Podesta apparently pushed on a number of different UFO declassifications but was ultimately either blocked or he decided he had more important things to do. He didn’t go running to the Alex Joneses of the world claiming that his poor performance reports were because he couldn’t STOP TELLING THE TRUTH, and that you too could find out all about the biggest government coverup ever just by purchasing all the books from his traveling medicine show. Podesta seems to see the shortage of revelations not as a nefarious conspiracy so much as a bureaucratic hassle, and has called for a US-based panel to investigate UFO findings without the red tape of previous projects. In fact, when Podesta left the Obama White House a bit before joining the Clinton election campaign in 2014, he publicly lamented that his one regret was an inability to make headway in declassifying UFO docs.

From his public efforts and private conversations, Podesta might be one of the few sane or sane-seeming individuals who has tried to delve into this subject. Now OBVIOUSLY we’d all like to believe that strange visitors from the Planet Xaxyllon have beamed down to earth to rescue our precious bodily fluids from the evil grip of the fearsome Repto-Draconions from the alternate dimension of Nibiru and their nefarious plot to open a wormhole that would connect the Kessel Run all the way to the planet Transsexual in the Galaxy Transylvania. Obviously we all want that. But so far Podesta seems to be the only individual actively seeking this information who hasn’t accused the Queen of eating flies for breakfast and didn’t declare themselves to be the Son of God.

Podesta, though enthusiastic about the subject, seems to be an actual, skeptical UFO enthusiast who has decided to go to the source of the information rather than building a blog empire out of speculation and stolen L. Ron Hubbard plots. True diligent skeptics like Podesta actually give license to legitimate UFOlogy research by doing the real work of combing through verifiable documents instead of seeing a Cloverfield trailer on YouTube and assuming it’s real. What do we expect to be in any documents that Podesta eventually has declassified? Almost certainly nothing but fallen meteors, crashed government spy planes, or weather balloons that scared some local hillbillies because those goldang Ruskies is comin’ from the skies, maw! But efforts to jam up declassification efforts give fuel to the legitimate whackjob alien humpers like that spikey-haired “Ancient Aliens” moron, leading to an internet culture in which people legitimately believe that Ancient Greeks had alien laptops. For his efforts to seek out a whackjob field of study while remaining for the most part pretty damn sane about it, that we salute you, John Podesta. You keep on reaching for those stars, strange UFO man.

Lawmakers Legalize Raw Milk, Mysteriously Get Sick After Drinking Said Raw Milk

Today in shoulda-seen-it-coming-doofus news, lawmakers in West Virginia passed a bill protecting the rights of farmers who wish to produce raw milk only to come down with an illness that may have come from raw milk.

About a week ago, members of the West Virginia legislature decided that their constituents needed less of that nasty “government regulation” and a lot more of that free-market-approved salmonella. As noted by the Charleston Gazette-Mail, the delegates passed a bill to make it legal for West Virginians to engage in the bestially gross-sounding practice of “cow-sharing” — people can now purchase a “share” of a specific cow, and are allowed a portion of whatever raw milk the animal makes to consume at their leisure. In other words, it’s a delightful little trick to get around the FDA-mandated ban on selling raw milk. Now people just buy a little bit of the cow that makes the milk, kind of like buying pieces of your drug dealer instead of buying his drugs. Since no sale for drugs actually took place, it’s a-okay, but if you just so happen to consume all his drugs that he happens to have then bully for you. This bill allows the same thing for cows, now legally allowed to be shared by people just for their sweet government-free E. coli juice.

That’s, uh, great? Was there really that big of a demand for this bill? Were there hordes of lonely farmers clamoring the walls of the city hall demanding the government recognize their polybovine nuptials?

To celebrate the bill’s passage, state delegates drank raw milk brought in from the farm of one of their colleagues, Delegate Scott Cadle (R-Of Course He Is). Within the week, PURELY BY COINCIDENCE WE’RE SURE, many of those same state reps all reported in sick with an unidentified stomach illness. Jinkies! Sounds like we’ve got a mystery on our clammy, vomit-covered hands. According to reports, the delegates’ symptoms include vomiting, fever, and diarrhea, all of which just so happen to be symptoms of salmonella and E. coli, diseases that pasteurization is specifically designed to prevent.

Huh. That’s weird.

Excuse us while we sip the biggest cup of pasteurized tea we can find.

Naturally, rather than admit that maybe they done goofed, the delegates interviewed are denying any connection, or at least they did in between bouts of horking up their lunch. While they claim a stomach bug has been circulating throughout the capitol, we’ll just note that according to the CDC, though raw milk only accounts for about 1% of milk consumed within the US, it accounts for 79% of all milk-born infections reported between 1998 and 2011. Dang, Cletus, it’s almost like there was a reason why Louis Pasteur developed pasteurization, not just because he was a member of the proto-communist vanguard who wanted to burden small businessmen with pesky “regulations” and “safety precautions.” Good thing Represenative One Tooth knows more than those damn Frenchies.

To be completely fair to the elected dinguses, the state Department of Health and Human Resources has still not determined the source of the outbreak, though an investigation has begun. We just hope that the next time any elected officials decide to accept a strange white drink from one of their colleagues, they’ll remember to spit instead of swallow.

[Conway Daily Sun / Las Vegas Now / Huffington Post / Washington Post / Charleston Gazette-Mail / Centers for Disease Control]

Hell.No. Hats
GIVE US MONEY! -

$5.00 Add to cart

  • Lambsendbeds

    Spit, don’t swallow…NOW you tell me !

    • The Wanderer

      Words to live by.

    • Antimassacree

      I’m Nancy Davis and I approve of this message.

  • PubOption

    See, more illegal aliens and they’re taking jobs from American workers.

  • The Wanderer

    ” . . .though raw milk only accounts for about 1% of milk consumed within the US, it accounts for 79% of all milk-born infections reported between 1998 and 2011.”

    The delegates will now petition the Federal Government to prevent the CDC from reporting on milk-borne illnesses. Freedumb!

    • Alex Grey

      Since they are Republicans, will they double down on their position by drinking more raw milk?

      • Valkyrie

        They will be doubled down, anyway.

    • LK312

      Doing the math, that means that raw milk causes 372 times the number of cases of milk-born infections on a pint-per-pint basis. And, salmonella and e. coli infections are particularly dangerous to pregnant women and their fetuses, which is why obstetricians warn against drinking it. Just an FYI, but I assume that most Wonkette readers are smart enough to realize the benefits of things like not consuming e. coli while pregnant.

    • Wee Mousie

      Including the West Virginia capitol.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Maybe the same people that drank the milk licked the same door knob.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      The CDC is going to have to come up with a bunch of new tests, to track down Doorbell Licker Zero.

  • Vienna Woods
    • Me not sure

      Udderly horrifying.

  • Jonny On Maui

    I’m positive the rest of the galaxy has signs posted pointing out the hazards of this here neck-o-the-universe, “Keep Your Windows and Doors Closed and Locked At All Times!

    We are the Alabama/Florida of the Milky Way…

    • Major_Major_Major

      Floribama lib…. Nope, spot on.

      • hollydturner

        You’re right! We can’t scream libelz. Any alien unfortunate enough to get lost in Florida or Bama would be shot for looking differnt than them.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Except during harvest time, then they are all green, as in the savings from exploiting migrant workers. Total Grapes of Wrath redux.

          • hollydturner

            And you know they’d exploit the aliens, given half a chance.

      • Wee Mousie

        You are exaggerating, we at the Okefenokee Swamp of the universe.

        If it weren’t already taken, we’d be Uranus.

    • MizzMazz

      I thought we were Mostly Harmless, but haven’t upgraded my Hitchhikers Guide in a while.

  • Me not sure

    “They can have my teat when they pry it from my old dead lips.”

    • xy

      “ok, we can wait a few minutes.”

  • Callyson

    Why the fuck would anyone want to drink raw milk in the first place?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Dimwit cred?

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      It’s part and parcel of the anti-vaxxer, anti-GMO crank magnet cluster.

      The conspiracy theory goes, “Pasteurizing milk depletes it of all its nutritional value, and can cause cancers, etc”. You know, cuz not natural like e-coli, salmonella.

      • Alexander Stallwitz

        They are suspicious of all food processing in general, even the ones that are meant to keep you from getting sick

        • sw19womble

          Yep, as with all these things, “everything in moderation” is the key phrase.
          Over-processed food and factory-farming is the problem, not the original technological improvements.
          Same with economics, politics, you name it….

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            I don’t know that “factory farming” is the problem either.

            I mean, I suppose there are “problems”, but what is the solution?

            Organic farming? More problems there. You have a greater chance of being exposed to a serious pathogen from Organic food.

          • Wee Mousie

            Somehow the idea of organic milk handling and processing gives me the wibble-wobbles.

          • Billy Rubin

            It gave the WV legislators a fierce case of the wubble wobbles, too.

          • sw19womble

            “Factory farming” – So empathy and being humane ends at the top of the branch for homo sapiens then?
            “Organic” – is this another batshit crazy US version of the concept that the rest of the world doesn’t know about? I’m not suggesting we go all The Martian on our vegetables FFS.
            Apart from that, have nice day! :)

      • Grokenstein

        Cobra venom, dog shit and gravel are all-natural but I ain’t want none in mah yogurt.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Aflatoxin libelz!

          Aflatoxins are poisonous and cancer-causing chemicals that are produced by certain molds (Aspergillus flavus and Aspergillus parasiticus) which grow in soil, decaying vegetation, hay, and grains. They are regularly found in improperly stored staple commodities such as cassava, chili peppers, corn, cotton seed, millet, peanuts, rice, sorghum, sunflower seeds, tree nuts, wheat,
          and a variety of spices. When contaminated food is processed,
          aflatoxins enter the general food supply where they have been found in both pet and human foods, as well as in feedstocks for agricultural animals. Animals fed contaminated food can pass aflatoxin transformation products into eggs, milk products, and meat.

          But it’s Organic!

          http://www.organic.org/image.php?image=assets/article_images/201.gif

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Also too “enzymes” that the bad evil pasteurization ” kills” ( never mind that enzymes aren’t alive – so not killable. Also never mind that our digestive system is really good at deactivating enzymes, and then adding the ones we need for digesting)

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Woooo! They scares me sumthin’ silly.

        • TeeRaak

          That’s the most bizarre explanation. I once told a chiropractor who thought we needed RAW juice everyday that every cell in our body produces it’s own enzymes, upon demand.

          Supposedly a chiro goes to school just like a doctor but they don’t learn that fundamental bit of knowledge about how cells work???
          http://science.howstuffworks.com/life/cellular-microscopic/cell5.htm

          • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

            You’d think, but apparently grade 12 biology didn’t take for many chiropractors and naturopaths.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Double dog dare?

    • Skadi

      Well…those of use who were breast-fed all drank raw milk at one point…

  • tinywriting

    ‘From one of their colleagues..’ Heh, heh. I see what you did there.

  • kindness

    Open Area 51 for all access family picnics then? Sweeeet!

    I know where the next Wonkette meet will be.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Can’t. You are just trying to tip off the Russians about all our plans.

      • Major_Major_Major

        Well, he is a durned lefty so obvs hate ‘merica.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          I thought Republicans stoled all the Putin Man-love?

          • Major_Major_Major

            But he is a good russky, except when he is not. For reference see the weak kneed sad sack surrender monkey tyrant muslin Nobummer.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      With my luck, I’d be seated at lunch next to Dr. Okun.

      He doesn’t get out much.

  • hollydturner

    For a second I thought I was reading The Onion.

  • arglebargle

    So you HAVE to buy the cow to get the milk for free.

    • Beaumarchais?

      DIngdingding! (Finally, my vow to “be patient and read the comments” pays off.)

      • hollydturner

        Comments? What comments? Comments aren’t allowed. You should know that.

      • LK312

        That’s what the religious right has been telling us all along, but I still prefer to give it away for free. This cow isn’t for sale.

    • jmhm

      *golf claps*

    • TeeRaak
      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Well played.

  • stankbait

    How sick or hungry must the first human have been that said “I want some of that from that cow/?

    • sw19womble

      Cow titty juice!

    • Grokenstein

      I want to build a time machine that I may witness, for my entertainment, the trial-and-errors that taught us which fungi were good to eat.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        And which ones were magic.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I have the same question about the first human who ate an oyster.

      • willi0000000

        look! . . . a rock! . . . it’s got goo inside! . . . am i hungry enough?

        • Zippy

          I’m pretty sure at some point some human has tried just about everything possibly edible due to desperation, along with a whole bunch of things that aren’t- they just don’t live long enough to tell us about it

          • Jonny On Maui

            IIRC hunter gatherer lifestyle requires three times the calories of todays. Not only did our ancestors fuck everything that moved, they ate it too.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Well, sometimes eating is foreplay.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Sometimes? I guess if you’re in a hurry…

          • FeloniousMonk

            I haven’t noticed any questions about the first person to decide oral sex was a good idea. Are we born with an innate urge to eat pussy/suck dick?

          • Wee Mousie

            Sort of depends upon what you are eating.

          • jmhm

            Truly. The human I want to meet is the one who decided that if they just left the cassava soaking a few extra days, it wouldn’t kill them like it did all the other people who tried it.

          • Skadi

            I want to meet whoever was desperate enough to drink from the water source full of fermented fruit that made the animals stagger around as if poisoned…and then thought it would be a good idea to get other people to do it.

          • jmhm

            Also, we can never repay our debt to the guy who made it his business to figure out why the bushes were making the goats skip around…

          • Msgr_Moment

            Or the Icelander who decided to bury the shark in the sand for a few months and eat it once it started to smell of ammonia.

      • Suttree

        And I truly thank that person because parts are delicious!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The same goes for lobsters. Someone pulled one of those out of the water and thought, “I bet that’s good eatin’.”

      • Suttree

        Just think of how hungry people must have been to look at a crawfish and decide to eat 100 of them. There is a reason you season the hell out of them!

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          The crawfish used to be lobsters that lived in Nova Scotia. When the British started running us Acadiens (Cajuns) out of Canada, the lobsters swam all the way to Louisiana with us. They didn’t want to live under British rule either. That is why they are so small now.

          • Suttree

            It took me about a decade of living in Louisiana to develop a taste for them, but I sure do love them now.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “I think I’ll drink some of that yeast piss.”

  • Zippy

    The reason the Clintons had to adopt that alien babby is because it was a product of one of Bill’s many dalliances. Fucker got more alien tail than Kirk…

    • Major_Major_Major

      Unpossible!

    • Antimassacree

      Talk about strange!

    • kfunk937

      Funny you should mention this. For entirely unrelated reasons, Alien Porn came up today, and Kirk was the lead story.

  • MizzMazz

    Man, I miss the Weekly World News. I’d pick it up during my weekly grocery shop, and the fun started with people in the checkout line commenting on my purchase: “Do you really believe all of that?” “You know that’s fake, right?” and depending on my mood, I would tell them earnestly that I did, or make beep beep noises, or whatever – the checkout clerks knew me, so we’d have a laff. The pre-photoshop cut up art was hilarious, and handy for making party invitations, there was the surly advice column, and the husband du jour loved the bigfoot crossword puzzle. So much fun for a buck.

    • Enfant Terrible

      And Ed Anger!

      “I’m madder than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest! Who put pineapple in my pizza???”

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I loved me some Ed Anger.

        • jmhm

          oh, me too. He was like Bob Grant with onions on his belt.

      • MizzMazz

        And pig-bitin’ mad! Loved Ed. Just remember the advice lady was Dear Dottie. She loved calling people names, especially ‘pinhead.’ Now I miss it even more.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Used to use it in class. Good times.

  • hollydturner

    I think Hillary should use the photo of her holding that adorable alien babby in her campaign. It makes her appear more human and approachable.

    • Antimassacree

      Yes, but the photoshop (really?) gave her man hands. Off-putting.

      • Major_Major_Major

        If only she had been smiling for the photo.

      • Truly Madly Derply

        No, she’s had hand reduction surgery since this photo was taken, silly.
        https://youtu.be/bSL4cmFW_GU

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    Louis Pasteur 1 , West Virginia 0

    • mary5920

      I agree with that. I’ve heard the same things about drinking raw milk, but don’t really want to risk it.
      If you’ve ever been to a dairy farm you might not want to drink any milk, unless you are pretty good with smells and seeing swishy tails flopping dung around during milking.
      I don’t really like the taste of milk anymore but use it in cooking some, and love cheese. Just not raw, although I understand many people consume it and don’t get sick.

      • TeeRaak

        Bubonic plague is caused by bacteria.

        Why take the risk when it’s so easy to get good bacteria in your diet without drinking raw milk?

        Yogurt, beer, cheese, wine, pickles.

        • willi0000000

          mmmmmmmmm beer.

          • Skadi

            I used to live near a shop that sold cheese and beer. Just cheese and beer. It was called “Malt and Mold”.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Pasteur was French.
      Just sayin’.

      • mailman27

        Don’t know about you, but I ain’t drinkin no freedom milk.

    • MissNomer

      I had a cow herd share and drank raw milk for about three years. It was from a local Grade A grass-fed organic dairy, where they used a modern milking machine and it went directly from the cow to a large stainless steel refrigerated tank and from there to half gallon Mason jars for distribution. Every batch was tested for listeria, e. coli, and salmonella, so it was actually safer than mass-produced pasteurized milk. The dairy itself was very clean, especially the milking parlor. It had to be, because one outbreak of illness would have put them out of business. I ate raw milk cream, butter, and cheese, and I made raw milk yogurt. I never got sick. Eventually the dairy farm was sold because while the owners were both bovine veterinarians who knew how to keep cows healthy and milk safe, they didn’t charge enough to cover their costs (weekly testing is expensive). But no one ever got sick from their raw milk.

      People drank unpasteurized milk for millennia without problems. Then around the turn of the 19th century many people moved to cities and no longer got their milk from their own cow or from a local farmer. Instead there were city dairies where cows were fed grain waste from breweries and distilleries. Grain is not a natural diet for cows and it changes the pH of their guts, making them a perfect host for e. coli (grass-fed cows are not as susceptible). All sorts of nasty things were getting into and being added to the milk to increase the volume, and people started getting sick. That’s when they started pasteurizing, because it was cheaper to boil the milk than to keep dairies clean, cows healthy, and milk unadulterated. This is still the case today – industrial dairies don’t have to work as hard to keep things clean and cows healthy when they can just boil the milk along with the pus, blood, shit, antibiotics, and other crap that gets into it.

      I am not an anti-vaxxer or any other kind of crank, I just love really good food. I tasted raw milk at my local farmer’s market and I was hooked, because it is fucking delicious. It makes store-bought pasteurized homogenized industrial milk taste (and look) like chalky water. It’s like the difference between a great craft beer and Coors lite 3.2%. Like a perfectly ripe home-grown tomato in July compared to a store-bought one in January. I really miss it.

      • FigaroPho

        People dropped dead like flies for millennia from aflatoxin contaminated food, bacteria infected water sources and milk, and every other consumable you can imagine. It didn’t get written down in records most of the time because there usually were no records but it happened every day.

        Yes, contamination increases with industrial production simply because there are so many more animals in a small space that can contaminated each other. E. coli is naturally occurring in the intestines of virtually all mammals, there’s no getting rid of it and industrial production doesn’t create it. Mammals digestive tracts won’t function properly without it and most strains aren’t pathogenic. Salmonella is from the same genus as E. coli but is almost always pathogenic to humans. The problem is that since E. coli and salmonella are from the same genus, any drug that could kill salmonella in the intestine would kill E. coli and the animal would die from malfunctioning GI tract.

        The only way to drink raw milk safely is to drink it extremely fresh and only if it’s been tested and passed with flying colors and that simply isn’t realistic for anyone who doesn’t live on for very close to a diligent farm that tests rigorously.

        • spacedcowgirl

          I actually don’t think raw milk needs to be all that much fresher than pasteurized in order to drink it safely (that’s assuming we are talking about a batch that is not contaminated with pathogens, of course). Human breastmilk stays fresh for up to a week or more if refrigerated.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Eh — at some point, even allegedly reasonable UFO fanatics have to confront the possibility that absence of evidence really is evidence of absence. Or they can always go the other direction and insist that an alien intelligence travelled hundreds of lightyears in craft with mind-bogglingly advanced propulsion systems just to make swirly decorations in cornfields.

    • hollydturner

      Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.
      If we are alone in the Universe, it sure seems like an awful waste of space.” ~ Carl Sagan

      • Beulah

        Given the incomprehensibly large number of galaxies, stars, and planets in the universe, I’d say it’s extremely unlikely that we are alone. And given the vastness of space, I’d say it’s even more unlikely that we’ll ever encounter an advanced extraterrestrial life-form.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Edit, reply fail

        • Zippy

          and I seriously doubt that if we ever do get visited, the first thing they will do is mutilate some cow or probe some farmer in the ass

          • data_ninja

            As much as I believe that life exists out there, I have a hard time rationalizing that a civilization with interplanetary space travel capabilities has to manually walk out of a ship and peer into windows or break into houses to do things to people or animals.

          • Doug Langley

            Enh, you know what kids are like after a 50,000 light year trip.

          • hollydturner

            I’ll have you know they abducted me and performed “those” experiments. I kinda wish they’d come back.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Since the aliens that do make it here are the same ones that ignored the road signs you know that at some point Ms. Alien finally freaks out over Mr. Alien’s absolute insistence on never asking for directions and demands that he check a local map.

            Our assholes look just like alien mapcases…

          • hollydturner

            So that’s what happened!! One of the aliens did seem a bit peeved.

          • Valkyrie

            They don’t write, they don’t call.

          • hollydturner

            Not even a postcard.

      • SayItWithWookies

        I’m pretty certain there’s life in elsewhere in the universe — as certain as I am that there’s no evidence any of it has visited us in spaceships.

        Are there other civilizations around? Probably. Are they anywhere that we’d be able to contact them and have a reasonable conversation? That’s where it gets tricky.

        It seems that life can take hold as soon as there’s a permanent supply of liquid water on a planet, since that’s what happened here. But earth also spent the next 4 billion years harboring nothing more complex than mats of bacteria, and has emitted radio waves only a bit longer than the last hundred years, so we’ve only been noticeable to extraterrestrials for 1/40,000,000 of our time here. In other words, there might be one civilization we could communicate with for every forty million planets harboring life.

        And if they’re more than a hundred lightyears away, any conversation would be remarkably slow — the response to our “Hello” would be heard by our descendants in 2216, if said civilization was remarkably close.

        So — life, almost definitely. Intelligent life, far less frequent. Anything we could talk to — virtually impossible. That’s visited us? Nada.

        • hollydturner

          Well, I guess there’s someone in the room that never saw 2001.

          • Zango LeHoonery

            Nevah Forget!

          • hollydturner

            2001 A Space Odyssey. Pardon me, I should have made that clearer.

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          The Reptilian Aliens aren’t from another planet. They have been living in the Hollow Earth for 65m years. They exit the Hollow Earth once per year. Their Flying Saucers exit the Hollow Earth through a hole in Antarctica built by the Nazis. The only come out to attend the Bohemian Grove. They go to give instructions to the Council for Foreign Relations and the Bilderburg Group. These orders are then sent to Free Masons.
          Hasn’t anyone ever listened to Alex Jones?
          /s/ (or is it?).

      • data_ninja

        “It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.” –HHGTTG

        • Jonny On Maui

          And once again god goes up in a puff of logic…

          • Zippy

            and all my cares go up in smoke

        • hollydturner

          Or, you’re on acid.

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          Well, crap.

      • Msgr_Moment

        You ever been to Wyoming, Carl?

        • hollydturner

          What’s going on in Wyoming – Anything exciting?

    • Sardonicuss

      I don’t know. I have been carrying around this device that can record fairly good quality video in my pocket for about17 years?..as have now a few billion other people.
      .and yet. Still no ghosts, bigfoot’s?, or u.f.o footage that can’t be debunked by a high school A.V. club in about 10 minutes.
      …and no. Beings capable of overcoming light speed travel would not put on garish light displays or waste time stomping down wheat.
      If they “want to believe” in something so badly; why not science?

      • willi0000000

        because no shortcuts, no miracles . . . just hard work.

      • Doug Langley

        In 2013, meteor hit Russia. It was visible for less than a minute, yet got captured on a gazillion cameras:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpmXyJrs7iU

    • Blank Ron

      An acquaintance put it this way:
      Do I believe in extraterrestrials? Yes. It’s a big universe.
      Do I believe in extraterrestrials who have visited here? No. It’s a REALLY big universe.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Mulder libel!

  • jmhm

    I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that there was a horde of lonely Delegate Scott
    Cadle clamoring at the walls of the city hall demanding the government recognize
    their polybovine nuptials. Just a hunch.

    • Major_Major_Major

      I think I herd that somewhere.

      • jmhm

        I cud be wrong.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Udderly wrong, even.

          • jmhm

            But then, like the cows, I’m still out standing in my field.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            Famous cow now celebrity roast

          • jmhm

            Oh, not famous. Wouldn’t want to steer you wrong about that.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            You can’t steer me wrong cuz I gots street smarts. I grew up in the tenderloin district!

          • jmhm

            Alrighty then. Just trying not to be jerky about it.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            Slim chance, Jim.

          • jmhm

            OK, that was the wurst.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            Baloney!

          • jmhm

            You mean tripe, tight?

            Anyway, I don’t think I have the stomach(s) for Mutual Assured Destruction: Cow, so I concede.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            OK, that’s offal.

            And for the record, despite my love for Latin music, I never liked Menudo.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Did you see the calves on them cows? Cantelopesque.

          • jmhm

            Well, people make more effort if they’re steakholders.

      • Ricky Gay

        I see this became the cattlest for a pun war.

    • willi0000000

      now that’s the kine of comment i wish was allowed!!!!!

      • jmhm

        It certainly bears rumenating about.

      • mailman27

        Most folks are cowed by the banhammer.

  • Antimassacree

    What next? Ah, screw Joseph Lister. “Employees are free to choose whether or not they wash their hands before returning to work.” FREEDUMB!!

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      I don’t even think that’s cool in the Bible. Irony. At least Old Testament.

      Jesus made it cool. My bad.

      Luke 11:38-39.

      When the Pharisee saw it, he was surprised that He had not first ceremonially washed before the meal. 39 But the Lord said to him, “Now you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and of the platter; but inside of you, you are full of robbery and wickedness. 40. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also?

      • TeeRaak

        Are you kidding? Ancient Jews were the first ones to point out Employers are not mentioned. They were adept at finding loopholes…

  • So, how long before people start insisting that the Clinton campaign took illegal donations from aliens, or Benghazied some aliens, or has an “enthusiasm gap” among the aliens?

    • Blank Ron

      I’m a little astonished that it didn’t start three years ago.

    • mailman27

      Do aliens have the vote? Holy shit… *goes back under blanket*

    • MissNomer

      Apparently Sanders supporters on Reddit are claiming that there are Clinton operatives sabotaging the Sanders campaign from within. I thought that was where we were going with the Podesta alien-hunter thing.

      It must be lovely to believe everything is a conspiracy against you. You never have to take the blame, try to improve, or learn. Everything is always someone else’s fault.

      • I thought all the conspiracy theorists were on the right side of the aisle… Till this primary season. Suddenly I’m hearing about “media blackouts” (never mind that I’ve seen Bernie on the tv pretty much daily since he announced, or the fact that more than half the media coverage that’s supposedly so helpful to Hillary is pundits talking about how untrustworthy/polarizing/uninspiring/shrill she is) and how the super delegate system is rigged, and speeches, and now sabotage from within? I would not be at all surprised if aliens are next. I don’t understand why she can’t just be winning because more people are voting for her, but apparently that’s impossible.

  • witsended

    I have bought raw milk for donkeys years. The farm I use at the moment has Jersey Cows and produces real full fat milk. If left to stand you get a nice layer of single cream form at the top of the container, which can be poured off.
    The rules over here mean that farms that are allowed to sell raw milk are tightly controlled. My supplier has the cows tested weekly and the results posted in the farm shop, on top of the government tests every couple of months.
    They also run a closed breeding system, cutting down the chances of infections being introduced from outside sources.
    The main reasons I buy it are taste and because of the regulations and inspections the producer have to comply with, animal welfare.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      I’ve heard that many organic and raw milk producers are
      creating sanitary and humane conditions for raising animals and
      producing “safe” raw milk and raw milk products (like cheeses and
      yogurts). Does this help reduce milk contamination?

      Adherence to good hygienic practices during milking can reduce, but not
      eliminate, the risk of milk contamination. The dairy farm environment is
      a reservoir for illness-causing germs. No matter what precautions
      farmers take, and even if their raw milk tests come back negative, they
      cannot guarantee that their milk, or the products made from their milk,
      are free of harmful germs.

      Germs such as Escherichia coli, Campylobacter, and Salmonella
      can contaminate milk during the process of milking dairy animals,
      including cows, sheep, and goats. Animals that carry these germs usually
      appear healthy.

      http://www.cdc.gov/features/rawmilk/

      • kfunk937

        Not to mention death from Listeria infection as a consequence of raw milk consumption.

        Raw milk aficionados seem to conflate such factors as whole-fat content and pasteurisation with pasteurisation and discard them to chase the memory of cream that rises to the top.

        I recall fondly milk home-delivered in winter, when the cream would freeze and the expanding creamsicle would pop off the foil top as it rose out of the bottle. And yes, it tasted good too. It was pasteurised. My mum drove us 3 hours to a dairy allowed at the time to retail raw milk (but not to ship it), which by my unscientific measure, tasted no different. I would not have been able to distinguish between the two in a blind taste test.

        Overall, though, I thinks raw milk demand is driven by an Appeal to Nature.

        • willi0000000

          the separation of the cream doesn’t even have anything to do with pasteurization . . . it’s homogenization that keeps the cream mixed-in.

          if you want the cream separate just buy a jug of cream and use skim milk to duplicate the taste of (wait for it) skimmed milk.

          • kfunk937

            Yup.

        • witsended

          I am in the UK and because of the tight controls on production and sale of raw milk, there has not been a single reported illness associated with drinking raw milk here since 2002.

          You are more likely to become ill from badly stored or handled,treated dairy products.

          I think you would be able to taste the difference in a blind test between raw milk from one herd and milk from dozens of herds blended in a dairy.

          • kfunk937

            You may not be aware, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Barton Farm, 2014, with nine cases of E. coli 0157 (one coinfected with Salmonella, puir bastich), linked both epidemiologically and genetically, represents just such an example. Seven were admitted to hospital. Fortunately, as near as I can tell, none perished.

            You may be correct regarding your hypothetical blind taste test. However, at the time of my unblinded one, I tasted no difference. Now I generally don’t drink milk at all, although I cook with it and eat (pasteurised) cheeses.

            The UK seems to have a pretty good record overall wrt milk-related outbreaks. Such is not the case here, where the woos are increasing demand. My backyard, so I notice, and children are especially at risk of harm, so I care. From the same report

            The USA has seen an increase in outbreaks related to unpasteurised milk. Mungai, Barton, Behravesh and Gould (2015) found that between 2007 and 2012
            outbreaks related to unpasteurised milk increased. VTEC caused 13 of these and despite the health risks the demand for unpasteurised milk has increased.

          • JoeFarmer

            Dr. Pasteur is rolling in his grave…

            You just can’t talk sense to these people, I swear!

          • Mike Stevens

            I was very amused to see that following West Virginia’s decision to allow raw milk consumption, the Rep delegate who sponsored the bill brought in raw milk for the law makers to have a celebrationary drink.
            They came down with a stomach bug.
            http://www.wsaz.com/content/news/Anonymous-tip-claims-raw-milk-caused-illnesses-at-Capitol-371487251.html

          • JoeFarmer

            Truth is stranger than fiction…

            Why comfortable First Worlders are all of a sudden rejecting the last few hundred years-worth of food, medical and agricultural science is beyond me.

            My paternal grandmother lost half of her siblings to diseases that we now take the vaccinations for granted. That was ca. 1910-1920. SMH.

          • Mike Stevens

            My uncle died on his 1st birthday from meningitis, and my grandmother died from influenza.
            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/fb3a4ff8adbe4f0ac13f5aac1e33f00246a0c94e2b6fd79d075b914bb395445a.jpg

          • JoeFarmer

            This is bang-your-head-against-the-wall stuff.

            I really think part of the problem is that medical science and agricultural science are victims of their own success. Maybe what we need is a good old-fashioned famine or pandemic to get these doofs to start paying attention.

            I say that in jest, I don’t really want to see people suffer…but part of me really does want to see some of these people get a good whoopin’.

          • J. Randall Stewart

            If I has some sockpuppet accounts, I’d give that some more upvotes.

          • hyperzombie

            Why comfortable First Worlders are all of a sudden rejecting the last few hundred years-worth of food”
            Well I think that they believe that dying of a preventable disease at 20 is preferable to living to 90 and dying of Cancer fumes from Monsanto.

          • Sonja Henie

            Karma!

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        The key is a strong, well-funded regulatory system. Chicago had an extremely serious salmonella outbreak from the Dean’s milk plant in 1985, in pasteurized milk because of a sloppy inspection protocol. Several people died. Literally everyone in Chicago got sick, because it was one of the few brands available at the major chains. (Including me– I was pregnant at the time which was just doubly unpleasant.) The issue is not raw milk-pasteurized milk. The issue is that the people (i.e. government) need to impose safeguards to limit risk.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Also, most states allow raw milk cheeses, because the cheese processing reduces contamination risks.

      • witsended

        I am in the UK and because of the tight controls on production and sale of raw milk, there has not been a single reported illness associated with drinking raw milk here since 2002.

        You are more likely to become ill from badly stored or handled,treated dairy products.

        A number of times outbreaks of Listeria and E Coli have been blamed on raw dairy products by the media. These have all turned out to be false and either caused by treated products or from other sources.

      • witsended

        The milk from the farm I buy from is never exposed to the air, from leaving the cow to being cooled to about 4 degrees within five minutes and then bottled. This means less chance of contamination than in a traditional dairy.
        That’s what happens when the Government starts interfering in the free market.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Lol the things people tell themselves that is not supported by facts.

    • Mr Corrections

      I urge you in the strongest possible terms to stop doing this.

      Just scroll down to Vienna Woods’ post below to see how, even if you manage to avoid making yourself sick, you can hurt or kill those around you – babies, old people, and the immune compromised – by drinking raw milk. There are no possible sanitary precautions short of pasteurization that work, the same as there are no substitutes for vaccination.

      Please, please, stop.

      • witsended

        I am in the UK and because of the tight controls on production and sale of raw milk, there has not been a single reported illness associated with drinking raw milk here since 2002.
        You are more likely to become ill from badly stored or handled,treated dairy products

        • Mr Corrections

          In fact, they have found antibiotic-resistant MRSA in U.K. supplies of raw milk. You are not only endangering yourself (you are upwards of 150 times likelier to get sick from raw milk), but people around you, particularly – as already mentioned – infants. There is no excuse for drinking raw milk, and absolutely no benefit in doing so.

          Please stop.

          • MissNomer

            Please stop telling people to stop.

          • Mr Corrections

            Why?

    • JoeFarmer

      ” If left to stand you get a nice layer of single cream form at the top of the container, which can be poured off.”

      That’s a reflection of the milk not being homogenized. Separation has nothing to do with Pasteurization.

      • MissNomer

        The word you want here is homogenization.

        • JoeFarmer

          Homogenization is the process that results in the milk being homogenized.

          I think I used the word I intended.

  • TeeRaak

    Ancient Greeks had alien laptops.

    It’s easier to believe a hub cap thrown in the air, a deflated mylar balloon and an out-of-focus seagull taking a poo are all UFOs than read a bunch of books and learn about science.

    That’s hard work!!!1!1!

    https://ip.bitcointalk.org/?u=http%3A%2F%2Fdata3.whicdn.com%2Fimages%2F48574240%2FLook-a-UFO_large.jpg&t=562&c=62ngR67dQ2HkBQ

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Science is hard. That’s why I spend too much time here.

    • Zippy

      Out-Of-Focus Flock of Seagulls

      worst new wave tribute band ever!

      • Ricky Gay

        when they played my town I ran so far away

  • OrdinaryJoe

    More raw milk in the member cafeterias of all Red State Legislatures. Solidarity for Udder !!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I grew up on a dairy farm, and we drank fresh milk every day. Fresh, not raw. Dad brought in a pale of milk from the evening milking, drop that into the small pasteurizer in the kitchen, and, after it was done, move it to the fridge. In the morning, less than 12 hours old milk for the Frosted Flakes, and no one got sick.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Well, pasteurized.

      Smart farmer.

      Bet he didn’t think chanting ayurvedic prayers at the cows made the milk more nutritious either.

      Not sure about the Frosted Flakes though. lol

      • Zippy

        next you’ll be telling me this isn’t how you make milkshakes…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq25qD44hC0

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Actually, he had a B.S. in Agriculture.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          There ya go. High falutin’ farmin’.

    • mailman27

      Sounds like something I’d want a bowl of. (Or something of which I’d like a bowl.) Cold, sweet, crunchy.

  • data_ninja

    Let’s not forget that Jimmy Carter himself reported a UFO sighting.

    “There were about twenty of us standing outside of a little restaurant, I
    believe, a high school lunch room, and a kind of green light appeared
    in the western sky. This was right after sundown. It got brighter and
    brighter. And then it eventually disappeared. It didn’t have any solid
    substance to it, it was just a very peculiar-looking light. None of us
    could understand what it was.”

    • Zippy

      technically, lots of people see UFOs, it’s when they attempt to give some bogus explanation for the unidentified part that they go astray

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        You mean like when Dennis Kucinich claimed to have seen a UFO near Shirley McClaine’s house, and he claimed it beamed thoughts into his head?

        • Zippy

          through Carol Burnett’s teeth

      • data_ninja

        Yep, it’s the definition of UFO: Unidentified Flying Object. Damned if he knew what it was, but it was in the sky.

        • Jonny On Maui

          And that’s exactly where I leave it. I’ve got enough crazy already…

    • Mr Corrections

      Jimmy Carter also claimed he was attacked by a giant amphibious rabbit.

      join the dots, sheeple

    • eddi

      Later analysis of where and when they saw it placed Venus in the same area.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Venus was also the name of the attack bunny…

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Lucifer libelz! Yes, Lucifer = morning star = Venus.

    • Beowoof14

      Ronald Raygun, was particularly interesting in his alien beliefs, makes that moron from Ancient Aliens sound smart. http://www.ufoevidence.org/documents/doc1523.htm

  • Rick Hill

    Could we just choose who gets the raw milk?

  • data_ninja

    More reading on the Kecksburg, PA UFO. I remember seeing this on the UFO History Channel once. It was sort of known as the “bell” UFO, because of the shape of it. I also remember seeing another show on the Hitler History Channel, saying how it was possibly linked to Nazi space programs, because why not.

    For what it’s worth, I remember hearing about as a kid from a relative of a relative (already in urban legend territory here) in the military that actually guarded the debris found at the site.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      One of the early SR-71 Blackbird’s crashed in 1966. The CIA paid witnesses 10 grand a piece to forget what they saw while the debris was removed.

  • Jan Ness

    Just can’t get any funnier

  • Truly Madly Derply

    Judging from the size of Hillary’s hands in that official photo, the Donald’s about to receive a schlonging from which he will never recover.

  • Major_Major_Major

    Ironically, w.r.t. UFOs, I had a similar conversation with my youngest. A lack of proof of nonexistence is not equivalent to proof of existence. He is 10, and understood the argument. Does that mean there is no life, sentient or otherwise? No, but applying Occam’s razor to sightings, and critical thinking also too, lends very little credence to UFOs as E.T.s.
    We now return to our regularly scheduled snarking.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      “A lack of proof of nonexistence is not equivalent to proof of existence”

      Just ask Hillary

      • Rick Hill

        So…just because we don’t have proof she did Benghazi!!1 doesn’t mean she didn’t DO Benghazi!!1.

        • MrBlobfish

          Are you saying aliens are responsible for Benghazi?

          • MarkM

            More plausible than any theory the Republicans have come up with…

          • Rick Hill

            How else does she pull it off? She gained control of them during Bill’s term in office

          • Major_Major_Major

            Where is the proof they aren’t? Just what I thought, you got nuthin’.

          • jmhm

            I think they may have flashythinged me, because after all this time I still can’t figure out what she’s supposed to have done.

          • Paul

            Squirrel!!!1!

          • Major_Major_Major

            If it’s bad, she did it. GOP logic

    • MarkM

      Most UFO and conspiracy theory is predicated on the fact that it is almost impossible to prove something doesn’t exist. But a line of logic that goes: “I saw something in the sky, I don’t know what it was, so it must have been a spaceship full of aliens”, is not terribly compelling in my view.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I got rid of my Occam’s razor for one advertised on Mediaite. I get blades for a dollar a month now. I had used my Occam’s razor so much since Grad School it was hard to keep sharp.

      • Major_Major_Major

        I would imagine there is a treasure trove of in the box new Occam’s razor in the homes of the Stumdrumpfers. As long as you ask nicely and monosyllabically, they will probably let you have them on the cheap.

  • Blank Ron

    WTF is it with this whole concept of ‘organic food’? I’ve eaten a great deal of food in my many years on this planet, and to the best of my knowledge none of it has been INorganic. (You may follow this with a McDonalds joke if you like, assuming you are allowed to comment.)

    • Skadi

      There is definitely a different taste when it comes to fruit.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Yeah, the stuff made out of rocks (i.e. inorganic in @Blank Ron’s formulation) is really terrible.

        • After a while though, you just take it for granite.

          • Swampgas_Man

            I marble at your ability to make light of this.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Can anyone take a minute for advice on how to bake my apple pyrite?

          • Doug Langley

            Sounds like a fool’s gold mission.

          • mailman27

            Of quartz, you would have to bring that up.

          • I tried to be gneiss.

          • jmhm

            It’s all just a lode of schist.

        • Skadi

          Well, duh. Everybody knows you have to get it out of the shale before you cook it!

    • Zhu Bajie

      Because a lot of urban Americans are not only incredibly ignorant about farming, but deeply misinformed. Much of what they think they know is just wrong.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Petroleum is also organic. But most of its didtilates taste bad.

      • Blank Ron

        ‘Most’?

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Ethanol is pretty tasty. So is Ethylene Glycol (though not good for the kidneys).

  • What about the scientific theory white cows give regular milk and brown cows give chocolate milk?

    • Zippy

      How now?

      • Skadi

        …then what do purple cows give?

        • Rick Hill

          acid trips

          • hollydturner

            Drink Electric Koolaid instead of that raw milk.

          • Zippy

            the purple cows come from all that purple hay Jimi sang about

        • Msgr_Moment

          I can tell you anyhow
          I’d rather see than drink it
          Raw.

        • spacedcowgirl
        • Naytch

          Milk of the poppy?

    • SnarkOff

      Brown-and-white cows dispense a chocolate-vanilla swirl.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Well, we’ve all seen what comes out of unicorns…

    • MrBlobfish

      How do you explain Yoo Hoo?

  • Lazy Media

    Pasteurization was developed by Louis Pasteur to keep wine and beer from souring. Because, seriously, who drinks milk?

    Also, too, I grew up drinking raw milk because we had a dairy cow we milked by hand every day. The secret to not getting sick is to immediately strain the cow hair out through cheesecloth, refrigerate it, and then drink within a week. We sold milk and cream to our neighbors and friends, and nobody ever got sick from it. Commercial dairies need pasteurization because they use milking machines that harbor bacteria and are much harder to sterilize than a bucket and a clean rag are.

    • (sigh) No. It was used because a number of cows had bovine tuberculosis bacteria in their milk, and pasteurization kills that. See: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1592058/

    • exinkwretch

      Yep. Grew up in a family with four kids. We went through six gallons a week of milk from the neighbors dairy cows. Nobody got sick.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Yeaaaahhhh I’ll take it has no bad stuff in it type milk to might maybe have something but we’re sure we strained it right type milk.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    People of Earth: Pasteurize your milk. You have been warned.

  • MrBlobfish
    • Major_Major_Major

      That is brilliant.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Way in the middle of the air

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7f69SLJPNRU

  • “the planet Transsexual in the Galaxy Transylvania.”

    …IN THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO!

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Turned into techno yuppytopia. U must be olds.

      • In case you didn’t get the ref, that’s a Rocky Horror audience participation line which dates back to at least the mid-80s, so yes, perhaps outdated, but can you name a gayer city?

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          New York City, Greenwhich to Chelsea

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          A toast!

        • Jonny On Maui

          Use county, that’ll really throw ’em…

  • MrBlobfish

    Sorroco is my favorite creepy UFO story.

  • Mr Sincere
  • Anarchy Pony

    Beam me up! I can’t take this shit show much longer!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Yes you can. You can last until November. After that, feel free to zip away in your scout ship or what have you.
      But ya gotta last that long.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Love the coverage of Podesta and UFO files. This stuff needs to be released just to shut down the crazies. Any gear that was Top Secret in 1966 is about 10 generations behind anything in the air now.
    Now, I will admit that any file release could damage George Noory’s rating, but there are always ghosts, NDEs, and Kennedy conspiracies to report.

  • Jenny

    Who even knew the government made laws to actually protect us from ourselves?!

    • Major_Major_Major

      YOU OUR LIEING! GOVERNMENT STIFFLES INNERVASHON! THINKINGS LIKE THAT LEAD TO TRANNNY!!!1!!1!!

      • Doug Langley

        Needz moar caps.

        • Major_Major_Major

          I haven’t had enough to drink/head trauma to properly channel my crazy uncle Bubba. I apologize.

          • Ricky Gay

            that was pretty good tho’

  • Zhu Bajie

    If space aliens are visiting us, it’s for sex tourism, blood sports (watching our endless wars), etc., etc. It’d be like whalers visiting Tahiti or Rarotonga.

    • Major_Major_Major

      But aren’t the Whalers in Carolina now?

      • alnnc

        Hurricanes now. More apropos for the location if you disregard Sandy.

      • Anarchy Pony

        I thought the whalers were on the moon…

      • Paul

        Hartford had one of the best logos ever.

    • Msgr_Moment
  • deanbooth

    Aliens visiting earth would require their having a civilization without Republicans. I tend to believe there are Trumps everywhere.

  • Major_Major_Major

    I’m no xenophobe, I have a friend who is a Gray, but if those aliens want to come here, they need to do so legally. No more overstaying their E-2T visas.

    • SnarkOff

      An alien took my job.

      • Major_Major_Major

        I’ve been outsourcing all of my comments on a Speak-n-Spell.

    • Msgr_Moment

      They are not sending their best. Some are crop field vandalists, some are anus-probists. Some of them are fine creatures, I assume.

    • E-2T…phone home!

  • I still hold out hope that a nubile Valerie Perrine is waiting patiently for me in a bubble on planet Tralfamadore.

    • Radardude

      Montana Wildhack shall forever be in my dreams, and also too, always keeping my forearms and wrists in shape … Billy Pilgrim’s dilemma?

  • Arse Grammatica

    That alien baby sort of got the opposite of zika

  • bluicebank

    You know, even The Dude used pasteurized milk in his Caucasians. And paid $0.69 only after sniffing it for freshness.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ok14tA3tJY

  • Al F

    Wow, I haven’t seen a copy of the World Weekly News in a long time. D. Trump should be on the cover. ” I’m speaking with myself, I have a very good brain, and I’ve said a lot of things.” What!!!??? LOL!

  • Doug Langley

    “Hillary adopts alien . . .”

    ADOPTS??? You fools don’t know the real story!!

    • An old joke…

      A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about
      all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

      “Just how do you guys do it?” asked the Earthling.

      “Pretty much the way you do,” responded the Martian.

      Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
      the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male
      Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a
      teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

      “What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman.

      “Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”

      “Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough. It’ll never reach!”

      “No problem,” he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
      With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite
      impressively long. “Well,” she said. “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still
      pretty narrow.”

      “No problem,” he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull
      his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
      extremely exciting to the woman.

      “Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
      love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
      off together.

      As they walked along the Earthling male said, “Well, was it any good?”

      “I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful. How about you?”

      “Well,” he said, “It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the
      forehead and pulling my ears all night.”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Speaking of fucked-up belief systems, is anyone watching The Passion, this hot mess of a Jesus story being performed live on Fox right now? It’s all country and pop stars doing current music and allegedly there’s some narrative of Jesus’ demise — but worst of all, it’s being put on in New Orleans as some sort of tribute to the people FOX has spent the entire last decade reviling and belittling. It’s an all-white cast condescending to a large black audience while portraying semites. I’m not even sure who thought this was a good idea, but it’s — well — fuckin’ amazing.

    • Major_Major_Major

      We expect a full synopsis and review. Thank you for your service, comrade.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Well for starters, Trisha Yearwood is Mary, and his son is rockin’ a badass boy-band pompadour. Also, a giant neon cross is being carried through NO’s streets by a bunch of white people (the Blacks are walking alongside, but apparently aren’t allowed to touch it — looting risk, probably).
        Also, the costumes have been provided by the Fall, 1995 edition of GQ. I’m tempted to have some raw milk, because I think the only thing that would make this experience any more miraculously awful would be a few hours of convulsions.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Compulsive explosive diarrhea will certainly take your mind off the programming.

          • Jonny On Maui

            May be preferable…

      • Paul

        Thanks for taking one for the team. Please remember that we are behind you. When it comes to watching that shit, waaayyy behind you.

    • jmhm

      I was momentarily tempted by Seal as Pilate, but not enough.

      • SayItWithWookies

        You’ve got time — he hasn’t even appeared yet.

        • jmhm

          My husband is watching a Steve McQueen documentary. Maybe when it gets to Hulu.

  • Joshua Norton

    If Podesta had done his homework he would have realized that the aliens all caught a cold and died. I believe HG Wells pretty much ‘splained it in “War of the Worlds”.

    • Jonny On Maui

      I think he’s hoping for a MiB storyline…

  • Beowoof14

    Hey Ronald Raygun was a true believer in UFO’s http://science.howstuffworks.com/space/aliens-ufos/ronald-reagan-ufo.htm

  • Villago Delenda Est

    My sympathy for those teatard assholes of the WVA leg is extremely limited.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Jesus was just at a food truck buying loaves and fishes. And the asshole didn’t even tip.

    Also, Tyler Perry is narrating, and this thing is all exposition so far — just for those of you who don’t know the story by now.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Just don’t stay in there any longer than you have to…

      • SayItWithWookies

        This might be the all-time worst musical — or at least up there with that Beatles thing starring the Bee Gees — or maybe Xanadu.

        • Anarchy Pony

          The Apple.

        • Major_Major_Major

          I can give Xanadu a pass, because I had a huge crush on olivia Newton John. But for that reason only.

        • kaw143

          Cop Rock.

  • Courser

    Aahhh, the raw milk advocates. We have them in Colorado with the cow shares & all that. I have a friend who was going to take me up to see the dairy (he was going to Colorado State University working on his MPH) since he’s been there. He said it’s a very cool dairy, but yeah a public health nightmare.

    Sadly, most raw milk advocates claim some magic hoodoo is destroyed by pasturization, leaving their poor child not getting some kind of benefit. Same group that believes vaccines are a commie plot, etc. There is no end to the magic stuff these folks believe in.

    Let me tell you, as kids we got food poisoning ALL the time! Not from raw milk but mom was a terrible cook and housekeeper! Getting the ’24 hour bug’ multiple times a year is NOT GOOD. Also the opposite of fun, especially if you have to go to the hospital.

    On the other hand, I have an extremely robust immune system.

    • MissNomer

      None of that is actually true.

      I drank raw milk from a dairy in Windsor (might be the same one; mine was extremely clean) and even helped with distribution, so I met hundreds of raw milk drinkers. There is no one “type” of raw milk drinker, and they do not all believe in “hoodoo” and “magic.”

      People who drink raw milk are all over the map in terms of ideology. They had herd share owners who were crunchy granola hippies and herd share owners who were gunlovin’ survivalists. There were locavores, foodies, chemtrailers, antivaxxers, vaxxers, city people, suburbanites, farmers, and just regular everyday people like you and me. And of the hundreds of people who drank this dairy’s raw milk in the five years they were in operation, no one ever got sick from it.

      It’s true that pasteurization and homogenization alter the structure and contents of the milk.There is no magic involved; it’s science.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        It alters it, and people don’t get sick from it. Science is bitchin!
        I’m all for getting back to nature and all of that, but if something can legit kill you or your children, I’m gonna side with the gubmint on this one.

        • MissNomer

          I’m not trying to sell anyone on raw milk. I’m just trying to point out that there’s no basis for “othering” people who like it.

  • UpstateNYObserver

    Unfortunately, this goes to both sides of the aisle. The anti-pasteurization crowd walks hand-in-hand with the anti-vax crowd and at least in NY, that crowd is largely Progressives. We got snake oil salesmen all over the place. With a little bit of luck, they’ll simply kill themselves off from the terminal stupidity they’ve developed.

  • SayItWithWookies

    My bad — not the wedding at Cana but the last supper — where Boy Band Jesus only bought baguettes and a bottle of wine. Shit, Jesus — we’re gonna watch you die on an empty stomach?!

    • Major_Major_Major

      I can’t wait for the recap of Rascall Flatts performing the crucifixion music.

      • eggsacklywright

        Narrated by Sparkle Farkle.

  • Metadude

    Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for $1.99 at Safeway?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Blonde Mom-of-Christ has got some strapless action going on, too. How ’bout them apples, Leonardo, you prude.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Not Bristol as the virgin Mary? Opportunity.missed.

      • SayItWithWookies

        They’ve seen her dance.

  • elpinche
  • SayItWithWookies

    Geeze — exposition, exposition, exposition. At least there are commercial breaks.

    And in non-Jesus-Jukebox-Musical news, Eddie Izzard just completed 27 marathons in 27 days. A feat enough by itself, but I’m betting he did it backwards and in high heels.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Newslfash — The Cross is strolling down Bourbon Street — guarded by a phalanx of fat, white Salvation Army dudes in dress uniform. Points to anyone who lands a string of beads on the Holy Neon Relic!

  • Stinky_Hole

    Of topic – I hadn’t paid any attention to this Fox teevee event, “The Passion”, until now (I’d heard them interview Seal this morning about portraying Pontius Pilate) – is this the “Prayvaganza” Margaret Atwood foretold? I couldn’t access my bank account this afternoon at the ATM…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Tyler Perry: “Moments ago, Jesus stunned his disciples when he told them one of them would betray him.”
    Stunning! Now Chris “Judas” Daughtry (I am not making this up) is having an angst-ridden moment in an abandoned factory. No, Judas — don’t do it. Also, he’s the only apostle wearing black leather, though all of them (including Our Savior) are sporting mic headsets and earpiece monitors. Do they unplug them when they nail Jesus to the cross? Stay tuned!

    • Anarchy Pony

      He dies for you, even though you didn’t ask him to, then demands your undying gratitude or face eternal suffering.

      • SayItWithWookies

        I hope this two hours counts — it’s gonna feel like forever by the time it’s done.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Did Judas change his mind and not betray Jesus? Exposit to us, Tyler Perry!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Pompadour Jesus is wearing a headset mic and yet still manages to speak to Peter in such a whisper as to be inaudible. Apparently “Calling All Angels” is his “Thy will be done” speech in the Garden of Gethsemane. How this does not turn millions of believers off of Christianity for good is the real miracle that’s happening right now.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Peter, you asshole — stay awake. [yells offstage] We need more Savior in Peter’s monitor — now!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, the Neon Cross is now passing that church that Dubya gave his “New Orleans is just fine” speech in front of. And Trisha Yearwood, the Mother of Christ, has a subdued aria while she’s — wait — she’s waiting on Golgotha for Jesus to get there, even though he hasn’t been arrested yet. What the hell, Mary, you fucking ghoul.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Also, the Mother of Christ has some fuckin’ rhinestone earrings from hell.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Jesus and his disciples are hanging out under a bridge when a bunch of NO cops roll up on the scene. The run straight to the black apostle in the hoodie and throw him in the back of a squad car, while Judas runs after them yelling “Nooooo — it’s the white dude with the pompadour and the duster! Come back, you fuckers!”

  • SayItWithWookies

    I must admit, even as a staunch atheist, I always felt the angst in Jesus’ moment of doubt at Gethsemane. This version of the Christ story, though, I’ve been like “can you guys kill him faster, plz?”

  • SayItWithWookies

    OMG, they took Jesus! And now for this commercial for the Galaxy S7 Edge…

    • Major_Major_Major

      I am proposing you be anointed as Saint Sayitwithwookies for this miracle. You have maintained your sanity during this shit show. If you make it to the Cape, I owe you a ton of drinks.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’m proud to be a witness…

      • SayItWithWookies

        Aw, shucks — well they’d better get on with it — Jesus has only 45 minutes to get crucified and go to hell and back. Once I got over the initial shock, this has really been sorta painless — like drowning in icewater, probably.

  • Stinky_Hole

    Does this mean the Tundra Twat will be Serena Joy?

    • SayItWithWookies

      I’m hoping Trump-endorsing Chris Christie is Mary Magdalene, since he’s the biggest whore around.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        The Magdalene was never actually a whore. That was made up by a buncha white men to discredit the Magdaleians in S. France or gual or whatever they called it then, because they were viewed as a rival heretic faction.
        So…….Bamz, obviously.

        • SayItWithWookies

          I know — couldn’t help myself, the image of Chris Christie as a whore is just too tempting to stick with Biblical accuracy.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Eh, since most people still think of her as a whore, it is close enough to current perception of biblical accuracy so I say you get a pass.
            But only if there are fishnets involved. And purple lipstick.
            Edit: Also, we flipped it over briefly to see the peter guy walking down the street and then swiftly turned it off again. So don’t let us down.
            Cause I ain’t blogging that shit.

          • Major_Major_Major

            I’ll never be able to hear the crucifixion narrative agani without thinking of that sadsack in fishnets and lipstick. Not cool. Of course that is predicated on me hearing it again, for which the probability is nearing 1×10^-99.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Dude, Easter Week approaches. You will hear it and see commercials for the 2934895y305y30486y versions of the story, endlessly forever and every time in your mind you will see Crisitie in fishnets with purple lipstick.
            And you shalt curse my name, and will that the Lord doth smite me, but he’s all chill so nneeeener

          • Major_Major_Major

            I don’t think I like you very much anymore. I hope you dream of Ted Cruz tonight, and every night for the rest of the week. So there.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I dream of Teddy every night. Usually it involves boiling pitch but I still have my hopes for a good rousing T-Rex out of no where scenario.

          • Major_Major_Major

            The OTHER kind of dream, which in this case only would be the bad kind.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Too late, you didn’t stipulate in time!
            Though if teddy was the bad guy who kidnapped me and was going to force me to marry him agin my will, and Justin Trudeau came in to rescue me, possibly on a pirate ship manned by one Bamz Barry and Nieto……..shirtless, all three of em….
            Note to self: get out a Beatrice Small tonight.

      • Stinky_Hole

        Circumference?

        • SayItWithWookies

          No, just selling out. Did not mean to do any fat-shaming, it’s not my thing.

          • Stinky_Hole

            Yeah, now that you mention it, I didn’t intend that either. Biggest whore…
            I’m spoilt for choice…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, Peter’s walking the streets of the Ninth Ward terrified of all the cops around. #NotWhitePeopleProblems

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    You can’t suppress the truth forever, Volpe. By God, if it’s the last thing I do. I will expose you. This is your last warning. Mi vendica!

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VhTOG4lR9zc

    I WAS YOUR BROTHER!!!!!!!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh lordy, Pompadour Jesus is in the back of a police van with the two thieves. They’re gonna crucify thieves? What the fuck is wrong with these fuckin’ freaks? Did the “bad idea” light going off in the writing room get covered over with a pillowcase and they just pressed on with the script?

    • Major_Major_Major

      You are killing me, Smalls. Well done

  • SayItWithWookies

    Neon Cross is parading around the same church square while on-the-spot reporter lady interviews paraders in some sort of faux-live show. And we break for Morgan Freeman advertising a movie about God. What, did Maybelline finally see this fiasco and get their mascara ads pulled?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, and if you’re too tired to walk behind the Giant Neon Cross the entire distance, there are helpful guys in pedicabs to give you a ride.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Pedocabs, I thought this was fundie, not Catholic. I’m confused.

      • SayItWithWookies

        It’s New Orleans, so they have to appeal to the Catholics too. Laissez le crucifix roulee!

  • Stinky_Hole

    Errbuddy heard at church this morning that this was something they needed to watch…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Trisha Yearwood is doing another piece of ballady nonsense. Maybe if you’d been in his life this much before, Mary, your kid would’ve stayed out of trouble.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Spit take, jumping Jesus on a pogostick, that was awesome.

  • Stinky_Hole

    Oh. My. God. “You’ll never walk alone”?
    Galaxy should pay…

    • Major_Major_Major

      Galaxy, Liverpool on line one.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Pompadour Jesus is in an orange jumpsuit. And Pontius Seal Pilate is speaking — as all Romans do — with an English fuckin’ accent. How does this happen?!

    • DerrickWildcat
      • Pinkham’s Law

        An adequate answer for any question.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Everyone knows Jesus was Nordic. He should have a German accent if he has to be a furriner.

      • SayItWithWookies

        It’s Pontius Pilate, man — do keep up.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Well, that explains everything then. Of course Pilate is English. As the Jews to Rome, so is ‘merica to England.

    • Jonny On Maui

      The bad guy’s a blah, no, really?

    • Stinky_Hole

      He speaks with an English accent – colonials often do…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Pilate: Are you the king of the Jews?
    Pompadour Jesus: Bitch, I’m just here to bring sexy back!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Free Barrabas! Shit, he looks like the Uber dude who shot all those people. And now he’s taking fares again — thank you Fox.

  • Stinky_Hole

    “Welcome back”. In just a few moments, there’ll be a depiction of you ‘lord-n-savior’ killed, but first, wouldn’t you like to upgrade or something? This, perhaps…

    • Major_Major_Major

      Can I trade in this old testament for something newer?

  • SayItWithWookies

    “We don’t need another hero,” sung as a duet by Jesus and Pilate. Please make the scourging hurt — pleeeeeaze.

  • DerrickWildcat

    It’s not even Easter so why are they doing this show now?

    • Jonny On Maui

      Holiday creep. Christmas starts before Halloween now. Soon, Easter stuff will start new years day…

    • Major_Major_Major

      It’s a nebulous date, so why not today?

    • SayItWithWookies

      It’s Palm Sunday, and the beginning of Holy Week. Who knows how FOX is gonna follow this up.

      • Major_Major_Major

        Feeding liberals to lions is my guess. Are you not entertained?

      • DerrickWildcat

        oh.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “All we wanted was beyond…the life we know.” Oh hell, I was so hoping they’d keep the out-of-context lyrics intact.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Any Jesus in Thunderdome? Please, please, please, please.

      • SayItWithWookies

        “Two saviors enter — one savior leaves!”

  • SayItWithWookies

    Seal finds no reason to kill Jesus — but the Sanhedrin want him dead. See, conservatives — this is what happens when you have a theocracy.
    And now Seal’s singing that Tears for Fears song. Not “Everybody wants to Rule the World,” but the one whose name I can’t remember. You know.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Shout, shout, let it all out? (That’s the chorus, the song is Shout, maybe)

      • SayItWithWookies

        Mad World, I think is the name. I hope that’s Tears for Fears.

        • Anarchy Pony
          • SayItWithWookies

            That one — was he the original artist? My ’80s pop cred is just shredded at this point.

          • Major_Major_Major

            That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just look through old photos of the 80s and tell me I’m wrong.

          • Anarchy Pony

            That’s the first result that comes up for mad world, and the film quality looks pretty 80s-ish.
            Although the description says it’s a cover, even though I’ve never heard it by anyone else…

          • eggsacklywright

            Needs more Oingo Boingo.

          • Major_Major_Major

            Dead Man’s Party would be perfect for the last supper.

          • eggsacklywright

            Well done!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Ohhhh goody. They went with the Joos wanted to kill Jeebus, never mind they were occupied by the most ruthless people on earth next to nazis who would not let local authorities wipe their own asses let alone execute anybody.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ha — the one black guy allowed to touch Holy Neon Cross looks like Allen West in civilian clothes (so we know it’s not really him). Oh, it’s in the stadium now — it’s rounding the last corner to the home stretch — and it gets passed by Jimmy Johnson in the final straightaway! What a finish!

  • SayItWithWookies

    They’ve got like 20 minutes to finish the whole shebang — I think they’re gonna just have to skip the crucifixion and go straight to the resurrection at this pace. I mean, they could’ve had fewer commercials, but we all know Jesus died so Fox could squeeze every last dollar out of His flock.

    • Major_Major_Major

      And the lord said, giveth unto me.

  • Stinky_Hole

    Not to mention, like “Titanic”, everybody knows how it ends…

    • Major_Major_Major

      Everyone loves happily ever after, right?*
      Except the joos, muslins, savages, athiests, and homosexbians.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Tyler Perry: “In the modern world, we’re all horrified to see innocent people put to death. But in Jesus’ time it was all too familiar.” Going to throw up now.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Up close vs. TV, yup…

      Or just like old times…

    • JoeFarmer

      “Hey Tyler, hold these two wires for a minute, OK?”

      …runs and throws the breaker on the 13Kv power supply…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Tricia Yearwood is next to the Neon Cross, which as we can see, is on some sort of wheeled dolly. With all the white light and glass panels, it looks like she’s singing in a nightclub scene from Miami Vice.

    • JoeFarmer

      If she keeps packing on the pounds from eating what she “cooks” on her insipid Food TV show, she’s going to end up looking like Octavio the Clown from that scene in ‘Scarface’.

      • Amy!

        So … you’re saying it’s no longer not over?

        • JoeFarmer

          Not sure what you mean.

          If her show’s been canceled, then good. I only watched it once when I was stuck at home sick.

          My impression of that episode is that she was a younger Paula Deen with a big honkin’ diamond on her left hand. Buttah, buttah, buttah, mayo!

  • Stinky_Hole

    I’m not actually watching this – it’s on in another part of the house – how gory do we think it can get yet still push product?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Well there was just a commercial for ham. I don’t know how many blasphemy points they score for that, but it’s like two touchdowns plus a month of Sundays.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Somewhere between a trump rally and an 80s horror movie is my guess.

  • SayItWithWookies

    With all the diamonds and gold that Mary, Mother of Jesus is wearing, she could’ve bribed the whole Roman garrison to set her boy free.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And we’re back — and Tyler’s gonna explain how we get Jesus crucified and resurrected in ten minutes. A nailgun, maybe?

    • Major_Major_Major

      Paslode makes a mean Crucifier.

  • proudgrampa

    I refuse to go back through this thread… What in the hell are you people watching?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Ipecac Jesus.

      • Jonny On Maui

        FTW

      • eggsacklywright

        Milk of Amnesia.

    • Major_Major_Major

      Hahahaha, holy shit, that was perfect. It’s a running narrative of the live musical version of the passion of the Christ, as watched by martyrs Sayitwithwookies and Stinky Hole

      • proudgrampa

        Oh, fer cryin’ out loud!

    • Jonny On Maui

      go back, it’s worth it…

    • Anarchy Pony

      Some terrible thing on Fox about Jesus by Tyler Perry.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, I see — Tyler’s explanation of the method of death by crucifixion was the entirety of Our Lord’s death. And now he’s just running through the resurrection. Apparently the drama ended at the duet with Jesus and Pilate.
    And they sealed Jesus in a tomb with a big rock. And this is a real quote: “They didn’t want him to get out, y’all.”

    • Major_Major_Major

      I can’t wait to see the local amatuer production of this. Sure to be a humdinger.

      • Jonny On Maui

        music by uke…

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Or as I like to say, “uck”.

          • Jonny On Maui

            It’s an acquired taste…

          • Major_Major_Major

            You’re in paradise, of course you like the uke. I heard you have to own the complete Don Ho discography before they will even let you visit some of the smaller islands.

          • Jonny On Maui

            That practice was discarded when all the islands agreed to accept US currency…

          • Major_Major_Major

            So I’ve been saving puka shells for nothing. Damn, I knew I should have stuck to Franklin Mint plates for my retirement plan.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Yeah, it’s just that they’re kind of easy to play, and sort of hip, so there’s a million punters out there. I love Hawaiian slack key guitar music…and I saw Jake once and got blown away.

          • Jonny On Maui

            The music of a place reflects, enhances, I’m not finding the right words here, hearing is just one of the senses, but when combined with all the others to define a place, it is really more than just the original 5, something’s added, imo. Spirit?

            It fits…

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Eddie would go.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh look — Pompadour Jesus is standing on top of the set singing. Now look under your seats, people — You get eternal life, and you get eternal life, and — everyone raise your smartphones to the heavens to get a .wmv of this!

  • Stinky_Hole

    “Welcome back” . Who are these people?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Pompadour Jesus loves us unconditionally. Except if we don’t accept him as our Lord & Savior, and then he loves us in hell.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I forgot this was on. Sorry I missed it – the non-comments look wonderful!

    • Major_Major_Major

      They were brilliant. By all accounts better than the original.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Tyler Perry thanks us — and as the cast arrives onstage, we see that Black Hoodie Apostle survived this particular Passion Play. And miracles will never cease.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And the Preservation Hall Jazz Band joins Missy Elliot (I think?) in When the Saints Go Marching In. The highlight of which is Barrabas doing the Hee-Haw squat-n-clap to the music.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And thus endeth the Gospel according to Rupert. Jesus’ torture and death is disappointingly explained to us indirectly while it takes place offstage, and we’re all saved, with the exception of the reputations of all involved in that saccharine representation of The LORD being used by His Dad as a sacrificial lamb. I think the only person who’ll know more about the story of Jesus after seeing this would be Donald Trump.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Hit the showers, get a rubdown…

      • SayItWithWookies

        I’m just gonna be dead for three days if that’s alright.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Absolutely fine!

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Oh, they made it all nicey-nice, with no blood or anything? Fuck that. Give me Mel’s Passion of the Christ. If you’re going *there* go all the fucking way. He didn’t pull back from how brutal the torture and death the Gospels describe would have been.Laid that shit right out in the open.

      • SayItWithWookies

        Yeah, no Jesus Chainsaw Massacre, this — more of a Passionless Play.

        • eggsacklywright

          There was / a rush along the Fulham Road. There was / a hush in the Passion Play…

      • Lordpnut

        “Give me Christ or give me Hiroshima” – Leonard Cohen

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Ok, just going to say it right here. You win the internets tonight and forever, Amen, and now I don’t feel so bad for liking Jesus Christ Superstar.
      Which I will be watching next saturday, bring your own popcorns and you have to help us fold.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Ian Gillian is the only Jesus.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Ted Neely LIBULZZZZZZ!!!! I will fight you!
          *not actually, being a peace loving hippy. I just really thought his eyes and emotions especially played very well, though his voice makes me twitch on a few notes.

          edit: Neeeeley. ley. meh spelling sucks.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            I’m doubling down with Murray Head is the only Judas.

            But, yeah, we can probably sit down, smoke a bowl, and work it out. Even though you are demonstrably wrong.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFw7K5-MV8I

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I have to go with Ian Anderson on that, if only because I saw him on the stage, he is drop dead sessy in that movie and once upon a time when I was younger and still had a voice with multiple octaves, I could totally do his part cold and lobbied my all girl HS to do Superstar for four years.
            They did it the year after I left and omitted the entire Herrod scene. So much dissapoint.
            I am grokking this fellow too, though I have never seen him before. He looks very betrayer-y

          • Zippy

            True story- a friend of mine was the sound designer for the original JCS

          • Pinkham’s Law

            The Original? The 1970 version? Please thank him for me. Every note is indelibly embedded in my brain, and I am eternally grateful.

          • Zippy

            He did that, the original Beatlemania, Evita, Rocky Horror, the original Hair, a whole bunch of others. I didn’t realize it when I first met him, but it turns out he is a serious heavyweight on Broadway

          • Pinkham’s Law

            I hate you. But, many.many. many thanks to your friend. Apparently, he figures in a LOT of my memories. I hate you.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Only on Wonkette can you both begin and end a comment with “I hate you” and get upvoted by the subject of your comment (which obviously does not exist).

          • Jonny On Maui

            It’s how you know you’re on the right side of the looking glass…

          • Pinkham’s Law
          • Jen_Baker_VA

            ooooooooooooooooo say there.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Not a bad visual, yes?

          • Pinkham’s Law
          • Lordpnut

            Herod Antipas or GTFO!

      • SayItWithWookies

        Oh, you’re too kind — and as for JSS, it at least made sense and didn’t insult the intelligence of its audience. This Fox nightmare, though, makes most Children’s Bible versions of the Passion seem R-rated, not to mention with original music.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Yeah but was Jesus a whiter than white buff dude who acted all tough and not pussified like that gospel shit says?
          Because THEN it is all right. OH and points if he or any of his apostles were packin.

          • SayItWithWookies

            It was totally Boy Band Jesus, big sincerely-arched eyebrows and everything. He did have a Black Friend, though (aforementioned apostle-in-hoodie) so he was sorta like the Southern Strategy Jesus with Token Outreach.

          • Lordpnut

            Packin’ what?

      • Lordpnut

        You feel bad for liking Jesus Christ Superstar? Ted Neely can sing for my heavy metal band any day.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          you have to understand, when I say I like something, what I mean is I own a copy, or copies in various formats, know every word, and wander about quoting and or singing it at odd moments.
          So….a bit, yes.

          • Lordpnut

            Why should you want to know? Why are you obsessed with fighting times and fates you can’t defy? If you knew the path…
            Yeah, I think I understand what you mean now.

  • proudgrampa

    Clearly, we have been visited. From a very authoritative source:

    “My theory is that an extremely devilish imposed overcrust was added to the (human) population consisting of humanoids who arrived by flying saucer from the planet Vulcan, which I assume to be not in intra-Mercurial orbit around the sun, but rather in the earth’s orbit, behind the Sun, forever out of sight to earthlings, always six months behind or ahead of the earth in orbital travel….”

    — Shea, Robert (2010-01-07). The Illuminatus! Trilogy: The Eye in the Pyramid, The Golden Apple, Leviathan (p. 144). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

    • Anarchy Pony

      These people fascinate me.

      • proudgrampa

        But wait until you find out about the Legionnaires of the Legion of Dynamic Discord!

        • Anarchy Pony

          Wait ’til you find out about the Liars.

        • Amy!

          Hail Eris!

    • JoeFarmer

      “…humanoids who arrived by flying
      saucer…”

      That sounds an similar the Xenu thing in Scientology…

      • proudgrampa

        Yup.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Sounds like Douglas Adams, also too.

        • Jonny On Maui

          It’s been a long time, which ship had the telephone sanitizers?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Ark B. And then everyone on the homeworld died from bacteria picked up from unsanitized telephones.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Thanks!

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I am wondering if it was Ark a now XD It was the only one actually sent out, but I think it was B.
            A was for the smarts and riches, B was for the meh and C for the working schlubs.

            Edit: Thank you, intertubes! It was B, I am still a total dork.

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m going to lazy it out and just cite you…

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I used to have my sister’s copy of the first 4 books and the novella, in a leather bound version with gold round the edges because of course it had gold around the edges. I read it so much I wore off all the gold.
            Then I read Mostly Harmless and gave it back with racking sobs of sadness. Though now that I am older, I have decided Mostly Harmless is mostly harmless and need to find another copy of the first four and the novella to go with my radio scripts and weird ass movie version wherein Zaphod has one head.

          • Suttree

            So guess which two wonkers just exchanged their favorite books? One gave the other a Cormac book and the other gave one The Dark Tea-Time of the Soul are the only hints that I can give you. :)

          • Jonny On Maui

            Cripes, you’re gonna make me get the dart gun, aren’t you?

          • Lordpnut

            Could I get some, please. It’s for a friend, you understand.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Ohhhh I am gonna guess a certain two that met, allegedly, at a certain NY drinky thingy ^.^ You guys are too adorable

          • Suttree

            I initiated the book exchange. I am almost done with hers but she seems bored with mine. :( She already threw another book at me but I ordered her a massive tome so she can back out of my fave and move on. The new one is The Essential Ellison. So I can steal Suttree back now. I don’t have a copy and feel lost without it.

          • Lizzietish81

            To be honest I can’t get into it, but I don’t know if I would call it boredom. Once I realized he also wrote the Road it made sense, I couldn’t get into that either, he has an odd writing style.

          • Suttree

            It is quite alright, I am more than willing to take it back and exchange it for 14 lbs of Harlan Ellison. It is not to everyone’s taste.

          • Lizzietish81

            Generally I like Southern Gothic, but I don’t suppose Suttree falls in that category. It did remind me somewhat of Dandelion Wine, which is another book I found difficult.

          • Suttree

            I always considered Suttree Southern Gothic. He is Faulkner’s illegitimate bastard son for this novel. I have a slightly worn copy of Light in August if you are interested. I’m rubbing my scent on it right now! The previous owner had it just long enough to break the cover and make one note on the first page. It’s rather virgin.

          • Lizzietish81

            Sounds about right then. As per the book you’re bringing just make sure the pages aren’t stuck together.

          • Suttree

            Lol. The pages are clean. The cover is folded, that’s all. Used books aren’t like used copies of Hustler from your friend’s older brother. At least in my experience…….

          • Lizzietish81

            We’re even adorkable

          • Suttree

            +100 for adorkable!

          • Vienna Woods

            You two are so cute.

          • Suttree

            I thank Wonkette!

          • Vienna Woods

            Ooooh! I’ve got the radio scripts, also, too.

          • Lizzietish81

            Someone, I can’t remember who, suggested that Mostly Harmless ended the way it did because Adams was sick of people pestering him for more Hitchhiker’s books.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Don’t remember offhand, and my copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide is at work for perusal during downtime.

          • Jonny On Maui

            All our paper books are still packed and stored. Not having them was an interesting addiction to deal with, there is much difference in tab vs paper…

          • Lordpnut

            Chisel and stone.

          • Lizzietish81

            Oddly enough I find myself favoring eBooks. Mostly for practical purposes like not having to lug extra books on the train, and I can read them better in a moving vehicle (I get sick when I read in a car)

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQHX-SjgQvQ

          • Jonny On Maui

            I’m getting used to the tablet, trying real hard not to duplicate my library.

            The video was a great way to start the day, thank you.

          • kaw143

            Are you admitting to using a cheat sheet while reading our comments which we don’t make?

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Google is your friend, friend.

          • Kiri the Unicorn

            Golgafrincham Ark B.

          • Jonny On Maui

            Thank you!

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Those were Space DC-8s.

        • JoeFarmer

          You would think L. Ron would have picked a more interesting airliner like a Convair 880, though.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Right? It’s a pretty bad tell. Not that anything about the Xenu story is good.

          • KBBaldwin

            The Convairs were unsafe at any speed.

          • Marklov

            That’s a Corvair dumbhead, and they looked bitchin’ with baby moons…KBB should know betta

    • eggsacklywright

      And here all these years I’ve been on the alert for the undercrust. Foiled again.

    • Suttree

      I cannot believe I read all of his books when I was a much younger man. Something something, my brain is still broken from those drugs I took. They still didn’t make Kerouac readable though.

  • eggsacklywright

    I think I see the underlying meta-four. Cruz-y Fiction.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I am opposed to vaccination but I assume that I can be inoculated against zombies. That should work, right?

  • CriticalDragon1177

    If the government really was covering up the fact that UFOs are alien spacecraft, shouldn’t John Podesta be terrified of being murdered late one night by the MIB. Its kind of obvious to me that they don’t have those memory erasing devices, otherwise, they would wiped Podesta’s and everyone else’s memory of the alien visitation by now wouldn’t they? Why have we even heard about the grays if the government is doing such a good job covering it up?

    • Anarchy Pony

      But don’t you see?! The fact it’s so crazy is the perfect cover!

      • proudgrampa

        EXACTLY!!!!

  • John Smith

    Being from WV, I sincerely wish to apologize on behalf of those of us who are not the complete morons and hicks that voted for these ignoramuses (ignorami?).

    • proudgrampa

      I think ignorami is that Japanese paper folding thing.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I thought Ignorami were the secret council of rulers of the GOP?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          You’re thinking of the Illuminazis.

          • John Smith

            And the Moran’s Templar.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Don’t be all mean on the Moran’s Templars now. They have terrific clam bakes. Course, they use canned clams…….allegedly.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I believe they stashed the remnants of the One True Cross at the Trump Casino in Vegas, if I’m not mistaken.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Yeah but is it classy neon like the Fox musical cross?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Just fragments now, but it used to be Yooooge.

          • John Smith

            And art-Deco covered in gold leaf.

          • vivian

            Nope. That was The One True Cruz. Easy to confuse.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Even Jesus would love to punch that guy.

          • Suttree

            And aren’t we furiously happy that there are 7 billion people on this planet who aren’t Jesus?

          • Barley_Brains

            GMO canned clams are the best canned clams.

          • Anarchy Pony

            People could die from those clams! How dare they come up with something that dangerous!

          • eggsacklywright

            The not-Simon kind. No Volvo P-1800’s involved.

          • John Smith

            But they are all Saints, in their own minds!

          • Marklov

            I don’t get it about Simon’s Templar and all, but I love the P-1800, such a sex-mobile…What are we talking about?

          • eggsacklywright

            60’s TV series called The Saint, one Simon Templar, played by Roger Moore, who drove a P1800.

          • Anarchy Pony

            You mean the feminazis?

          • KBBaldwin

            Aren’t Illuminazis those paper bag things with a candle inside that people do at Xmas?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Yes! You cut a a swastika stencil into the bag, light the candle, and voila…sieg heil!

          • Lordpnut

            Moon Nazis.

        • proudgrampa

          I stand corrected!

        • Lordpnut

          Laugh it up while you can, but you will all be sorry you didn’t listen. Also too, Renate Richter is a stone cold babe, and say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, at least it’s an ethos.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Here’s a helpful teaching aid I use for the great Ignoramus Debate.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c3y0CD2CoCs

  • Bitter Scribe

    IIRC, Jimmy Carter claimed to have seen a UFO. Others said it was probably the planet Venus.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      He saw a UFO in the purest sense of the term. “I saw an object in the sky and did not know what it was.” He has never claimed any differently, AFAIK.

      • MarkM

        Anyone who says they saw a UFO is technically only claiming that. But the little green men types conflate any UFO sighting with alien spacecraft, and now the term is synonymous with spaceship, when it shouldn’t be. I know, I’m being pedantic. It’s a failing of mine…

  • Be Gin

    If the regulation hating legislators of WVA want to drink raw milk let them. They should also drink some of that delicious spring water from Flint, MI.

    And my cum.

  • Me The People

    In the good old days, we had proper creamy looking milk – natural unpasteurized cow juice, topped up with just the right amount of lead chromate. Oh for the simple life, before the commie-nazi regulators came along.

    • Biff52

      Now it’s cut with perchlorates, no charge.

  • FeloniousMonk

    When I was 17 I drank raw milk, because the nice farmer who’d let us camp for free was proud of his cows. We said it tasted wonderful, while thinking it tasted like milk. We survived, but I hope youngsters today are smarter. This was nowhere near Moline, where I fear Podesta may have been hanging out.

    • dshwa

      If you drink it fresh squeezed, it’s not that risky. If it’s been sitting around a while, like say on a car ride from a farm in Podunkville (population: goober) to the state capital though…

  • dshwa

    One of my favorite pastimes is discussing Drake’s equation and debating why we haven’t had any contact from aliens. It’s a great nerdout exercise spanning physics, psychology, and philosophy, just to name a few topics it involves.

    • JoeFarmer

      Why worry about that when Schrodinger’s cat needs to be rescued?

      • kaw143

        Eh. The cat has either already been rescued or hasn’t.

        • Suttree

          The cat doesn’t care either way. It will still ghost poop in your shoes.

      • MarkM

        From this…

  • Latverian Diplomat

    One reason wikipedia (I know) gives for NASA not having the documents Podesta wants is that they never had them in the first place. The claim (I know) is that Air Force UFO investigators used to go around in civvies and claim to be with NASA. So the files were probably never at NASA, the Air Force had them, and they are probably in a crate in an undisclosed location, six or seven layers above the Ark of the Covenant.

    • kaw143

      They are being looked at by top men. Top. Men.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Not power bottoms?

  • Lu
  • Incoming Ham
  • Incoming Ham
    • cousin itt

      Are you saying it’s aliens?

      • Jonny On Maui

        I love this guy. It’s like his hair is trying to flee his head…

        • Major_Major_Major

          It’s welcome to flee to my head for safety. My bleaching and checkerboard dyeing days are long behind me and I promise to love it and call it George.

      • Incoming Ham

        No, but it’s probably aliens.

  • cousin itt

    You know, I’m old enough that all these tabloids are just the stuff of my past. Not mine, per se, but my Mom and others like her who just ‘kind of’ knew this was all shit but it didn’t matter somehow. It was for fun. But a ‘for fun’ I could never wrap my head around. For me, it was all just THE STUPID, as we would snark now. Why even waste your time on Earth with such stupid shit? I can only assume that many of us did not fully mature and fossilized at age 16.

    As for my Mom, I have inherited her diaries of cut and pasted pictures of celebrities of the 1940s and 1950s. She idolized them as did later generations. Sadly, she was never fully able to disentangle her life from the make believe of even the most fantastical of stories.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I used to read the weekly world news back in the collage, sort of like a print version of the onion for me. Some of the writing was pretty funny, especially if said reader was in an altered state of mind. Stopped reading it when I realized they were being all serious.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      But he’s just so honest and he’s breaking the Washington Cartel (TM) and blah blah blah blah.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    According to my favorite space-alien documentary “Paul”, many aspects of our culture was influenced by alien intervention.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    Also too, cow sharing?
    Does that make “Several Conservative Dinguses, One Cow” the “Two Girls, One Cup” of 2016? Asking for a friend.

    • Jonny On Maui

      I’m pretty sure “Doofus and the Farm Animal” predates the “Two Girls, One Cup” genre.

      So I’ve been told…

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        So we can safely expect hipster perverts to go “we were into bestiality before it was cool”.

        • Lordpnut

          But we were! !!

    • Major_Major_Major

      It’s two Scots, one sheep redux. Or so my friend tells me.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        So THAT’s the subtext to BraveHeart!

  • DerrickWildcat

    Just wanted to sneak this in somewhere.
    RIP Frank Sinatra Jr.
    Was not Was. This song was actually the B-Side to, “Walk the Dinosaur”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-GEOp7DiP0

  • Lordpnut

    I thought Wonkette Compound was something akin to Substance D – not an imaginary place in cyberspace. No wonder I can’t score any. Sad.:(

    • Suttree

      It is definitely a place in our own mind. Unless you go to a drinky-thing that is. Reality is a kick in the ass!

      • Lordpnut

        Know where I could get some? It’s for a friend, you see.

        • Suttree

          I found it Queens. YMMV

          • Lordpnut

            That’s a long row to hoe, but I guess I should at least get pointed in the right direction. “YMMV”?

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            “Your Mileage May Vary”

          • Lordpnut

            Thanks fer the schoolin’. Also too, it depends on the fuel you’re bernin’

          • Suttree

            It’s a joke about the last drinky thing. I live in jersey but met a nice girl from the city at it. She is my substance-d. Your mileage may vary.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Awww!

          • Suttree

            We are gross and cute! And she is awesome!

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            That’s awesome, I’m happy for you!
            I’m looking forward to the next drinky thing in my area, just for the sake of face-to-face snarking and drinking.

          • Suttree

            Thank you Dr.. I almost didn’t go, but I am happy that I did. I went to the bar and came back and my seat was stolen is the story. I introduced myself and asked her who she was. Apparently there was some jaw dropping when she said Lizzietish81. I let her keep my seat.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Oh cool! Lizzietish81 is awesome, she’s so funny!

          • Suttree

            Hence the jaw drop. She is a snark master! We hung out until everyone else left, with the exception of Biel_Ze_Bubba. It was the best trip to Queens evar!

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            That sounds great!

          • Suttree

            Hence the jaw drop. She is a snark master! We hung out until everyone else left.

          • Biff52

            I went to the Las Vegas drinky thing. Aside from the host and hostess and Trixel and Wonkette Babby, I was the only attendee. Vegas sucks ass.

          • Suttree

            Oh goodness, that sucks! I feel for you. When I showed up at the drinky thing it was a bunch of super normal older people who were extremely nice, and it made me very uncomfortable. I didn’t start to have fun until some mean snarky girl stole my chair and Tallmutha drank the entire pitcher that I just bought and Biel_ze_bubba was himself apparently (shhhh he’s the devil). I found the crew to talk to out of the kind folks there. Shy and Trix held me over until then though, while entertaining the entire crowd. I even had a minute alone with Trix outside having a smoke, I tried not to flirt too terribly as she is a taken woman.

          • Biff52

            I am an Old, and I had none other Olds to talk with, so I did what Olds always do…

          • Suttree

            What? Put an onion on your belt? Yelled at clouds? I found the youngest snarkiest woman there and proceeded to do my super Suttree pickup (which amounts to buying drinks and making lewd comments) until she was forced to drag me home with her. I actually have no idea why she liked/likes me. Must have been my eyes, because I really have no other positive qualities (well besides rugged handsomeness and a lilt of a southern drawl and that je ne sais quoi of a primal being). Oh and slivovitce always helps, you should have tried that.

          • Biff52

            No, we talk to ourselves. When we’re not yelling at clouds.

          • Lizzietish81

            You make me laugh, you laugh at my jokes, even in the middle of sex. That third part is rare.

          • Suttree

            Yeah the third part is pretty rare, but you crack me up!

          • Msmlg1979

            Maybe she likes you because you’re a lovely, fun person?! That’s my guess!

          • Suttree

            You forgot handsome!

          • Msmlg1979

            You covered that just fine without me, sugar.

  • Lordpnut

    Do you have to actually drink the milk, or can you just suck on your paid-for teat? Asking for a friend. ..

  • richardgrabman

    I suppose it’s logical to push raw milk… if you’re a producer. We have ultra-pasturized milk here in Mexico, which means I can buy a case of a dozen liters at a time, since it’ll stay good for three months just sitting unrefrigerated. Pasturized milk only lasts thee weeks, which means people have to buy more of it. If you’re a dairy farmer, raw milk is even better, since it’ll go off in about three days.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      I think it’s all Canada trying to undermine our dairy industry because something-something milk in a bag.

      • Vienna Woods

        You mean you guys don’t have bags o’ milk?

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          We don’t, and it actually kind of bothers me, because that’s a really cool economical idea.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Boxes. From Denmark. They keep forever (six months anyway) until you open them.

          • Vienna Woods

            I remember those from my summer looooong ago working as a chamber maid in a London hotel.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            We like it because even the low fat stuff will froth if you steam it.

    • Lordpnut

      It’s also a strange case of over-efficiency. A dairy farmer I know told me that due to selective breeding and other production advances, farms today can produce nine times the milk a similarly sized operation could when he was a child. I’m sure you can see the irony.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        That’s actually really interesting. It’s also very similar to what’s going on with corn here in the ‘States.

        • Lordpnut

          Yes. To stay afloat you have to produce more and more which drives down prices and favors ever-larger and more integrated operation. Yet another example how pure free-market capitalism can go off the rails.

    • YourNameHere

      I love ultra-pasturized. I wouldn’t put raw crap in my mouth for actual monies.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    O/T, but my friends and I just signed a lease on an apartment. It’s immensely liberating and exciting, but it’s a relatively big move for me requiring job hunting and whatnot I guess the big thing is that it’s been -years- since I’ve job hunted, and making new resumes and cover letters from scratch is kind of nerve-wracking because I’m long on self-deprecating humor and short on upselling myself, so everything feels contrary and weird.

    TL;DR: thanks for being here, Wonkette and Wonkette Commentariat, this is a great place to let out some steam.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      The weirdest thing is after you retire and you accomplish something and you think “I need to put this in my resume.”

      Uhhh, nope.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        That would be a weird thought to have.
        Along those lines, I finished my UC Naturalist Cert. last spring, and being able to add that to my resume tonight was kind of thrilling; I definitely understand the want to add accomplishments.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Congrats! You live near Yosemite, do you not? Sounds like a perfect match.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            I’m near a bunch of great parks and outfitters, I should definitely see if the Forest Service or National Parks is hiring.

          • NorthStarSpanx

            Doc, they don’t hire anymore since the sequestration, but if you have an uncivic sense of ownership and are Biblically excused to trespass, you can “occupy,” one of their facilities.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Damn. Thanks for clarifying.
            I love conservativism, it’s just a fancy buzz-word for “pooping on the birthday cake”. We could’ve had many great things, but no, Ted Cruz had to grandstand for no legitimate reason.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            The government we have now would have gotten a man half way to the moon…

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            I volunteer Ted Cruz for that mission. He can become his own sovereign Near-Earth Object, forgotten until he becomes a minor navigational hazard for nations that actually bother to finance their space programs.
            My one stipulation is that his air reserves have a mild helium impurity, hopefully making his last banal words so high-pitched, they’d only be audible to dogs.

          • Usedtobeyellerdawg

            Yeah, but David Bowie would have written a hell of a good song about him.

    • Suttree

      I wish you the best of luck good Dr.! In my trade I just tend to show up and drop a bunch of pictures of what I have built on the table and include a four year out of date resume. It tends to be a yes or no interview. I like not worrying about it. I hope it all works out for you well.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        “…and include a four year out of date resume…”

        Great news! You won’t likely be bothered by the thing I wrote about below.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        That sounds cool.
        Most of the places I’ve been applying to have been parts and service departments at local stealerships, so I’ve toyed with the idea of making collection of pictures and explanations of the work I’ve done to my pickup trucks. I think that might be a good idea now that you’ve mentioned it.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Visual would certainly help you stand out, and also bear in mind most HR people are mostly moon people, so the less they have to do (ie, having a visual as opposed to reading) they happier they are with you.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Thanks for the advice, I think I’ll do that. To the crafts store!
            Also, sorry for the accidental downvote. I’m no good with the touchpad on my laptop.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            You can down vote me, it will keep me humble ^.^
            And yes, HR folk are ebil little dipshits, in general. A few, I assume, are good people, but the bulk of them are drug dealers and…no wait, wrong speech.
            Basically they act like they want you to perform for them. DANCE MONKEY!!!! and that is never a nice thing.

          • Vienna Woods

            Our HR (or at least HR bitch-in-chief) lives to fuck over teachers and support staff.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            In her defense, who doesn’t like to fuck over teachers these days?
            I very nearly became a teacher, but I decided early on I would probably end up throttling some parent or admin.

          • Vienna Woods

            I will not miss parents AT ALL. I have my last p/t night next week. I then plan to get drunk.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I try, very hard, not to mess with my son’s teachers. If they have issues with them, I try to get them to deal with them in class without me. Generally it works out well ^.^ Only had one teacher whom I did not like, but she was a religious nut-job who told me that being called an “idiot” was the worst thing she had ever been called in 18 years of teaching, and a maths teacher who decided to take the word of another boy over mine because the other was “more trust worthy”
            But considering the oldest is 14, 2 annoying apples out of the bunch is not bad odds for me.

          • YourNameHere

            If you are retiring, can’t you just get drunk first?

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            That’s why I want to become a professor. Same BS, but I can tell a bad student that I don’t care whether they succeed or fail because we’ve already got their money.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Drug abusers is the term you are looking for.

          • DerrickWildcat

            I use a hyper sensitive gaming mouse and I accidentally up vote my own comments. My poor advice is to not over think your Resume and to be honest of why you were in prison.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            I worked at a prison, I was there voluntarily.
            Which is even worse in some ways.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Naw, shows you care and want to fill your time productively. That is the kind of shit HR likes. They think it means you’d slave at the wheel non-stop if you go about volunteering.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            HR people are the spawn of the devil. I never thought this until I went job hunting at age 58…

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            My Dad went through the same thing at about the same age (55) and most HR types won’t even bother with someone in their late forties or older.
            It didn’t matter that he’s got electrical, fire, and radio licenses up to his eyeballs and literally had much of three Old Hewlitt-Packard plant sites built around him.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            When you get into old or almost old territory, the HR likes to trot out the “over educated” line.
            Hate that line.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            My favorite was:

            “Tell us about the last time you turned in something late.”
            “I never turn in things late.”
            “Uh, OK, tell us about the last time you were late to work.”
            “Umm, OK, I misread the schedule and went to the wrong squadron to fly once.”
            “I see. When was this?”
            “1981. Springtime.”
            “[Grumble.] OK, tell us what you did about it.”
            “I got in my car and went to the other squadron and said I’m sorry I’m late…”

            No job offer was forthcoming…

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            My favorite was: “if you had a hot air balloon, where would you go?”
            I looked at both hiring managers for a solid moment each before replying “Downwind?”

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Very good! Different levels in the lower atmosphere have somewhat different wind speeds and directions. That’s how ballooners steer (to some limited degree). Guarantee you the dumb fucks asking the question didn’t know that.

          • Vienna Woods

            My husband applied for a truck driving job a few years back and got stupid questions like that. Truck driving. He didn’t get that job.

          • Usedtobeyellerdawg

            Part of my job is building security, not as the actual person reacting to a security situation, but just hardening the target until the pros show up. My favorite interview question went like this; “How would you react if there was an active shooter in the building.”
            “(Blah, blah, lockdown, call authorities…)
            “What if they were in your office?”
            “In my office?”
            “Yes.”
            “Scream like a little girl and throw my stapler.”
            I got the job.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Put some Pop-Tarts in the microwave. Pour a cup of coffee.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I don’t want to die hungry.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Sorry, I laughed so hard I hit downvote.

          • JustDon’tSayDittos

            Wouldn’t you go UP first?

          • cleos_mom

            OMG, is that insane practice still in vogue?

            All questions like that do is screen in favor of people who are adept at making up interesting anecdotes on the spur of the moment. And since most of them aren’t verifiable, you could make up just about anything.

            The only time I ever got a job following that kind of interview was when I was asked “what is your favorite joke?” and I told them Beatrice Lillie’s alleged favorite joke about a singing telegram. But getting the job wasn’t exactly a victory; these people turned out to be total whackos and I later found out that my job was the proverbial revolving door.

          • Biff52

            I was put out to pasture at 55. Didn’t take long to realize I was never going to earn a paycheck again. Now I’ve embraced the forced retirement. It’s the best job ever.

          • Vienna Woods

            ^THIS^ Having not to deal with HR will be one of the great things about retirement ( in FIFTEEN WEEKS!!!)

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            WOOT!!!!! Congrats, Vienna! Now you can tell us all to get off your lawn ^.^

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Easy there sister… And while I’m at it, get off of my lawn.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I highly recommend it!

          • Zyxomma

            Same here. I haven’t gotten ONE interview, and I’m amazingly good at what I do. I temped grueling hours, and finally landed a part-time gig with one of my oldest and dearest friends. I’ve been working with her for months, and our friendship is stronger than ever. However, it won’t last, and I’ll be back on the hunt.

            Fortunately, I’ve begun re-building my practice, which I abandoned to help the ex build a business. Teaching a class every Friday; saw a new client Saturday (yes, it’s okay to work on the Sabbath when it means the difference between food or none for the week, and what do I care? I’m an atheist).

          • jmhm

            Oh, so much this. This is why I’ve always gone rent to own. HR has this broad panorama of blind spots about how the place they’re hiring for actually functions, and there’s code for all of it. Just show them what you can do for them and let them work out how to get it on paper.

        • Suttree

          Sir, pictures go a long way. When I show them this and the shitty tool that I made myself to build it with I pretty much always get the job.

        • Suttree

          Parts and service is a very hard job. My last job was at a tractor trailer repair shop, and we went through parts guys like we went through dickies.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            It has a massive turnover, many parts places seem to use people up and it worries me a lot.

          • Suttree

            That last place I worked at was fucking vicious on the parts guy! You need to be able to run on twelve different levels 12 hours a day. I would never want that job. Luckily I was the custom parts fabricator, so I had a lot of extra time built into my work. Parts guy is non-stop and constant ass-chewing for the wrong part that some asshole somewhere else sent you that ain’t your fault at all. I have seen good parts-guys though! You just need to work on more dimensions than the mechanics.

  • GlobalBeagle

    This may, in fact, be the most perfect example of schadenfreude, ever.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Why buy a share of the cow when you can get the food-borne illnesses for free?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Looks like the ‘party of personal responsibility,’ takes it seriously enough to not blame their grandstanding colleague that asked them to drink the milk as an anti-government gesture. They took the sip, they built this.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    Well, obviously this is Obama’s fault.

  • jviscont1

    The alien baby in the photo does resemble a young Alex Jones. Just saying.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      It’s Alex Jones’ Kuato.
      “The reactor, Alex. You have to scream about it.”

  • mardam422

    Why drink the milk when you can buy part of the cow…. I mean, why buy the milk when you can own a cow…. Er, why eat the cow when you can get sick when you drink the milk…. Wait, wait, I know this one. Why be from West Virginia when you can go to kindergarten for free. Yeah, that’s it.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    I saw a UFO once. I am an avid sky watcher and enjoy watching for satellites, so much so that I sometimes go to particular websites where you can look up when visible satellites are going to traversing your area and plan viewings. I was out one night and saw a satellite go over that looked just like any other except that it was going way faster than any satellite I had ever seen before. I wouldn’t have believed it was in orbit except I saw it fade as it lost the sun until it went black. Still don’t believe in aliens, but I do think they put stuff in orbit we never hear about.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      There’s a club of folks who watch for all those secret satellites, publish the orbits of the ones they detect, and tell the world when/where they can see them next. Can’t remember the name, sorry, but it looked like good geeky fun.

    • cleos_mom

      Some of the secret satellites might be the International Space Station. Due to light pollution, it’s not usually visible from cites and suburbs but further out it’s easy to spot on some nights. Looks like a star just gliding across the sky.

      https://spotthestation.nasa.gov/sightings/

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        ISS is usually easy to spot. It is one of the brightest satellites that go over. The other really good one is the Hubble telescope. This was smaller, and much faster.

    • Robyn Ryan

      SR-71, sounds like.

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Thank you! Best possible explanation yet.

  • Paperless Tiger

    They walk among us, the aliens. They try to fit in by spray-painting themselves orange and wearing fright wigs, but it doesn’t work too well, especially when they run for president. They still seem a bit off.

  • Biff52

    Two things:
    1) I live on the edge of Area 51, and I’ve seen things, man. And
    B) It’s a damned good thing comments aren’t allowed. Oh, and
    iii) Why didn’t I come in here yesterday?

    • TheBidenator

      4) Profit!

  • Scooby

    I believe this because I can’t imagine any civilization that can master inter-stellar space travel endorsing a Republican.

  • Mavenmaven

    Hopefully, then, a Clinton presidency will make Hoffman lenses readily available to the public.

  • whitroth

    First… they did the study, what, 10? 15? years ago. Line I remember the most: “this government leaks like a sieve. Do you *really* think we’d be able to keep aliens a secret for 50 years?”

    And second… That’s my favorite newspaper. They’re the most reliable – they say so on the cover. (I say they get their stories the honest way… they make them up.) And if that cover is from when I think it is, the issue of the Weekly World News that confirmed them as my favorite was a few months before – early April of ’93? ’94? Full cover headline: NASA FINDS ALIEN BABY IN CRASHED UFO. Small insert block: Unidentified Farm Couple Waiting To Adopt”.

    Wish I’d gone back and bought that issue.

    mark “and the baby was in red, blue and
    yellow blankets….”

    • Gregory Brown

      Stanton Friedman, a physicist who has written extensively on the UFO phenomenon and also has worked on unrelated classified government projects, asserts that indeed, some secrets, including those he has been sworn to, can be very well kept indeed.

  • I have this book, written by one of the old Project Blue Book guys, basically talking about how they went about investigating UFOs at the time and some of their findings. Fairly sane stuff, as I remember it – mostly Venus and swamp gas, with a few genuinely unexplained cases.

    BUT! The best line, and the part I still remember all these years later, is towards the end of the book where he says something like, “But chasing UFOs is like hard drink – once you’ve developed a taste for it, it’s hard to give up.”

    He was correct, I have since discovered.

  • Gregory Brown

    It is easy to laugh about UFOs, right up to the moment you see one. In my case it was during the early ’70s in western New York. That night, I, my brother, and two friends all got good looks through binoculars at three apparent crafts that did things no airplane can, and a few minutes after we lost sight of them behind a line of hills, what should appear in the night sky but three fighter jets from due north, the direction of Niagara Falls Air Force Base, jets which circled the area for 15 minutes then headed back north. I have no idea what they are, but the four of us and the USAF all agreed that night that they were something, and they were real. As for Project Blue Book, officially it concluded that a tiny percentage of sightings were not explainable. But it also had commissioned a massive statistical analysis of over 3,000 sightings, and the report, known as Report 14, concluded that the higher the quality of the case, the more likely it was to be of an unknown object, and the poorer the quality of the case, the less likely, which was the exact opposite of that predicted by skeptics. It is available on line and makes for interesting reading.

    • Biff52

      There’s no one left to corroborate my story, so I’m probably safe. For now.

      • Gregory Brown

        Que?

    • cleos_mom

      I had a very close — just above treetop level — sighting in the early 1970s and no “logical explanations” I’ve heard over the last 40+ years have been believable. Some are downright bizarre. There was a passenger in the car with me, whom I didn’t see for decades and when we met up again the first thing he said was “am I correct in remembering seeing a UFO from your car or was I dreaming it?”

      No on raw milk, though it’s available in our area along with grass-fed beef. But I have no trouble with the idea that we’re not alone in the universe. Maybe what we saw was an intergalactic cruise ship giving its passengers a glimpse of a rather savage planet.

      • Gregory Brown

        UFOs have been with us, it seems throughout our history. People have been trained to not believe they exist, and to ridicule witnesses, but even the most hardened skeptic has his world change when he sees, not just a light, but a craft doing things that are utterly independent of aerodynamics, not to mention other physical laws.

Previous articleTrump Campaign Can’t Stop Lying Even When It’s Right
Next articleIllinois Lawmaker’s Daughter Jumps Out Of Nowhere And Starts Stapling This One Guy