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Oh what a god-awful morning, oh what a god-awful day
Oh what a god-awful morning, oh what a god-awful day

We usually skip Oklahoma when listing Worst Goddang States In The U.S. of Us. Maybe it’s because we primarily associate it with an old-timey musical and forget it is an actual place where people live and work and don’t just sing songs about how the farmer and the cowman should be friends.

Sometimes, though, Oklahoma gets all up in our face and demands attention:

Any physician who performs an abortion would be unable to obtain a license to practice medicine in Oklahoma under a measure the state Senate approved overwhelmingly Tuesday over the objection of some Democrats who insisted the measure is unconstitutional.

Unconstitutional shmunconstitutional, right? The bill amends existing law “relating to physician licensure.” So in addition to reasonable prohibitions in place — like no “procuring, aiding or abetting a criminal operation” and no charging patients by promising “that a manifestly incurable disease can or will be cured” and no sex-boning patients or saying words that are “seductive or sexually demeaning to a patient” — the new law would include this little humdinger:

Any physician participating in the performance of an abortion shall be prohibited from obtaining or renewing a license to practice medicine in this state. The State Board of Medical Licensure and Supervision shall revoke the license of an allopathic physician performing an abortion in this state. The State Board of Osteopathic Examiners shall revoke the license of an osteopathic physician performing an abortion in this state.

In the real world, legally performing legal medical procedures you don’t like is not a legitimate reason to revoke or deny a medical license. No, we cannot cite a specific law that says you can’t do that because it is so obvious that you can’t do that, so no one has bothered putting it in writing.

That didn’t stop the Republican-controlled state Senate from passing this stupid bill, however, which now heads to the House. And if the House passes it, and rightwing drool bucket Gov. Mary Fallin signs the damned thing, you can bet all your corncobs there gonna be some lawsuits double-quick on this blatantly, offensively, so-damned-obviously shmunconstitutional bill.

Meanwhile … there’s this whole NOTHER bill floating around Oklahoma’s Senate, and believe it or not (and you will not believe it, FYI, but it’s true), Senate Bill 1118 is an even more transparent attempt to outright outlaw all abortions in Oklahoma:

A person commits murder in the first degree when that person performs an abortion as defined by Section 1-745.5 of Title 63 of the Oklahoma Statutes. […]

1. “Abortion” means the use or prescription of any instrument, medicine, drug or any other substance or device to intentionally kill an unborn human being; 2. “Unborn human being” means the offspring of human beings from the moment of conception[.]

Yup, that’s pretty clear right there. All abortions, even those performed by licensed medical professionals, would be first-degree murder. And you know what they do to murderers in Oklahoma, right? Why, they murder them! Or at least they try. Sometimes it doesn’t go very well.

So if we understand this correctly, and there’s a chance we don’t because it does not make any kind of Earth logic sense, Oklahoma will ban doctors who have provided reproductive healthcare to women from being able to practice medicine and then maybe charge ’em with murder and toss ’em in prison, for extra good measure. And that’ll put an end to abortions in Oklahoma and save all the babies, right? Or maybe it’ll just drive even more women to the internet to learn how to perform abortions on themselves. Sure, that increases the risk to women’s health and lives, but that’s what being pro-lifey is all about.

[Miami Herald / S.B. 1552S.B. 1118 via Dead State]

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  • RoyalUglyDude

    Still not OK, Oklahoma!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Changing their nickname to : Not So Much…

      • Msgr_Moment

        You guys do know why they write “Oklahoma is OK” on their license plates, right?
        ANSWER: Not enough room to write “mediocre”.

  • eddi

    “This requires a really stupid and futile gesture of defiance!” The not-OK Senate.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Ug. Fuckers. I can’t even.

  • I guess Oklahoma voters enjoy throwing away their tax dollars defending laws like this that will be overturned because they vote for these ass-clowns.

    You could save yourself some time, guys, and get more use of your money by using $100 bills as toilet paper instead.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Yeah, but those lawmakers get too look at tough and cool in front of their fundie wingtard friends, and isn’t that all that’s really important in the long run?

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I don’t know about the long run, but at least through November.

        • Blank Ron

          To most ‘legislators’ the current election cycle IS ‘in the long run.’

    • Spurning Beer

      But hey, it’s not like “the taxpayers of Oklahoma” include anybody wealthy.

  • Indiepalin

    Next up: The Oklahoma legislature goes after the coat hanger industry.

    • Spotts1701

      Rubber coat hangers. It’s gonna be BIG, I tell you!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Fancy yankee invention anyway. If crumpled up on the floor was good enough for grandpa…

  • lucidamente

    So the doctor goes down for first-degree murder, but the mother goes free? Sounds like you wingnut legislators are going to have to try a little harder.

    • HanBarbara

      No, the mother does not go free- she could be charged with conspiracy, and if she attempts a do-it-yourself, she could be charged with murder. This is already happening in other parts of the country. And, good luck proving that miscarriage wasn’t self induced.

      • Spurning Beer

        In the case of miscarriage, the fetus will be subject to charges of first degree suicide, in line with the precedent Miscarriage v. Justice.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        There’ll be a black market for the Plan B drugs, and you know how good the government is at keeping illegal drugs out of the hands of its citizenry.

  • FauxAntocles

    Yo, Oklahoma, Scalia is dead – didn’t anyone tell you?

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      They know. And they know that God took him because Gays.

  • TheBidenator

    “like no “procuring, aiding or abetting a criminal operation”

    So I guess that means that Oklahoma physicians cannot treat GOP officials….?

    • Blank Ron

      ‘Nothing I can do legally, Senator. Why don’t you see my colleague in Idaho?’

  • Lizzietish81

    Of course it won’t pass constitutional muster, but that’s not the point. For that short period of time they can persecute more abortion providers and drive them out.

    • Thaumaturgist

      No big. Just like voting against Obamacare.

    • I have noticed these extremist laws do manage to exist on the books just long enough to get much of the (dirty) work done.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      And drive up their Fundy vote total for November. Oh, and also too, more Physicians will leave Oklahoma.

      • YoBunnyBunny

        And they can take a page from Idaho, and just have Pray Healings. Yay!

    • Gayer Than Thou

      And who wants to be the test-case doctor who loses his or her medical license and gets prosecuted for murder? It should get reversed on appeal, but you never know and, even if it does, those things take years. In the meantime, you’re now an unlicensed doctor with a murder conviction. Believe me, those kinds of things ruin your chances on dating sites.

      • CPav

        But you get three squares and a place to sleep on the taxpayers’ dime. So you’ve got that going for you.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      I sometimes have this ” is this real? it must be that I’m hallucinating, isn’t it the 21st century?” thing about this nonsense. Also fuck those guys with a stuffed hedgehog (with votes).

  • say wha

    Your move, Idaho.

  • Toomush_Infer

    The slurry with the fringe in the middle….

  • Shibusa

    In an unrelated story, Oklahoma Senate Bill 1119 passed, so starting tomorrow, the women of Oklahoma will no longer be allowed to vote, drive, own property, or go outside without wearing a burqa.

    • Spurning Beer

      And also NO SHARIA LAW!!!1!!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    If I read that correctly, I think they might be banning contraception by all means other than possibly condom like thingies.

    • freakishlystrong

      And of course, abstinence. Because that always works. Just ask Barstool Palin.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The extent to which any specific contraceptive methods prevent implantation as opposed to fertilization is an open question with varying amounts of evidence or plausibility (for example, the pill almost certainly doesn’t do that). But seeing as this will be interpreted by wingnut judges who don’t listen to the scientitians, you are probably correct.

      • HanBarbara

        Hobby Lobby lawsuit referred to certain methods of birth control as abortificants, even though the “science” behind those assertions was questionable at best. If these people ever succeed and the dog catches the car, they will begin chipping away at birth control.

        • mailman27

          They won’t just pack up and go home, that’s for sure. Theocracy or bust!

        • sosuume

          Their aim was to always chip away at birth control. Roe is based in part on the Griswold v. Connecticut decision that gave couples the right to privacy for the purposes of using birth control. The purpose of sex is to make babies — not “have fun.”

    • Pinkham’s Law

      OK, I’ve seen a couple people make this claim, but I’m not seeing it. What part of this shitpile are you seeing this in?

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        “A person commits murder in the first degree when that person performs an abortion as defined by Section 1-745.5 of Title 63 of the Oklahoma Statutes”

        “Abortion” means the use or prescription of
        any instrument, medicine, drug or any other substance or device to
        intentionally kill an unborn human being; 2. “Unborn human being” means
        the offspring of human beings from the moment of conception

        Read more at http://wonkette.com/599480/oh-look-oklahoma-being-effing-awful-again#rcjHJTLQo1p7lMTP.99

        How dare you prevent implantation of the fertilized egg, you murderer!

        • Pinkham’s Law

          B. Nothing contained herein shall be construed in any manner to
          include any birth control device or medication or sterilization
          procedure.

    • YoBunnyBunny

      Ban all contraception, or do as this anonymous snark master suggested for a 1938 amendment to make drunkenness illegal after prohibition was overturned:

      “Why not add…that period of time commonly known as Saturday night, is hereby stricken from the calendars of the United States and abolished…”

      From the National Archives DC upcoming exhibit.
      (https://www.archives.gov/museum/visit/gallery.html)

  • arglebargle

    Okfuckingladouchnozzlehojizzragma.

  • arglebargle

    WTF? When are they going to get back to the real issues of cutting taxes and slashing the education budget?

  • TheBidenator

    Oklahoma…where the douchebags whistle down the plains,
    Where they’ll fuck you over if you’re a lady
    Because the GOP has shit circulating in its veins…

  • freakishlystrong

    What are they going to do when they finally catch the car and women have to just stop having sex with men for fear of an unwanted child? Because that should be the next step in this utter horseshit. IT’S 2016.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      That is what this has always been about.

    • Whale Chowder

      It might be time for that. OK women need to halt all sexual favors until this bullshit stops. Lysistrata on the prairie. (don’t) Fuck those guys.

  • Msgr_Moment

    There needs to be a measure that declares that lawmakers be sued for malpractice and barred from holding office for knowingly passing unconstitutional laws like this. Seriously.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Athens had something like this. IIRC, you could be banished for proposing new laws that contradicted the laws given by Solon. It seems like a nice idea, but it ended up beign abused as a handy way to trump up (no pun intended) charges against political opponents.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Sometimes the distinction between Red State Legislature and Wingnut Fantasy Camp breaks down.

    • Blank Ron

      When was there ever a distinction?

  • Morningside

    Oklahoma is in the middle of a huge budget crisis because of low oil prices. Having to defend this b.s. will probably bankrupt the state.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Can’t they sign up for GrifterCare? Get some of those sweet wingnut dollars?

  • Thaumaturgist

    It’s like looking at ultrasounds and three-day waiting periods or blocking clinic entrances. The courts will overturn it, but it sends a message.

  • Belasaurius

    this will never survive the multiple lawsuits filed against it

    • eddi

      Their supreme court should just declare it unconstitutional and out of line with Federal law right after it gets off the governor’s desk and before the ink dries.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Who appointed their supreme court?…

        • eddi

          Knew I forgot something.

    • jmk

      No, but it will take time for them to work their way through the courts, and in the interim, the damage these assholes want to inflict will have been done.

  • Shibusa

    Abortion providers in Oklahoma will also be required to have a large red “A”tattooed on their foreheads.

    • eddi

      Oklahoma legislators will be required to have a fluorescent “M” inlaid in their skull. They can put the battery pack in the unused brain pan.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Yes, know-it-all millennials, you read that right. Oklahoma’s law could be interpreted to prevent the sale of birth-control pills and morning after pills also too.

    Still think voting in all the elections is not cool and makes no difference?

    • Donkey Option

      Hey! I’m a Millennial and I vote every applicable election (mid-terms! primaries! locals!) But then, I live in Connecticut, so it’s not like I’m dealing with this kind of stupidity. And I can’t help my democratic family in Oklahoma.

  • Joshua Norton

    They know they can get away with all this supposedly “pro-life” showboating BS since there will always be a court that understands actual Constitutional law to save them from themselves.

    • nmmagyar

      I so want there to be a way for the courts the sanction/prosecute/jail these numbnuts for passing blatantly unconstitutional dreck like this

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The terrible thing is, Oklahoma will not, with votes, deal with these assholes.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Cue: Bernie-bros and millennials chanting “It’s all the same ‘establishment’ something something banksters wall street 1%”.

  • Oblios_Cap

    these state-level Republicans are destroying the country. If only more than about 30% of the people would bother to vote, we could get rid of the vermin.

    • Morningside

      Not in Oklahoma. I retired here two years ago to be near family and am now making plans to relocate. I can’t stand this place!

      • Scooby

        I have to ask..what’s in Oklahoma to retire to?

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Low cost of living, because nobody has any money?

          • Scooby

            I guess school taxes are low In a state where they don’t want thier kids educated.

        • Morningside

          My family. That is all. I’m 72 and thought I might need their support st some point. They are mostly nieces and nephews. I have no children. Still, I am considering leaving because of the horrible regressiveness here.

          • Scooby

            Do like Michael Corleone and move the family to Nevada.

  • Spotts1701

    Between Oklahoma and Idaho, I have a hard time remembering whether this is the 21st Century or the Dark Ages. Feels like the latter.

    • eddi

      A bad day for progress. And it’s not even lunch time, at least for me.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I remember the 1970’s with nostalgia. Abortion was legalized, civil rights were advancing daily, the Viet Nam war ended, the draft ended, the Middle East was in the safe hands of tyrannical dictators supported by American oil companies, cars were really big which made it easy to make out in the back seat, you could smoke anywhere you wanted, savings accounts were paying 6% interest and CDs paid 12%, there were no hurricanes, we got cable TV and VCRs, you could rent a phone from AT&T for $7 a month and they replaced it free if you broke it, hardly anyone had credit cards or massive debt, we had never heard of Climate Change, the Olympics was only for gifted amateurs, streaking was a hot topic in the media, you could go to almost any country in the world and say you were an American and be greeted with open arms (except France), we could blame everything going wrong in the world on the Soviet Union, and we all thought that as long as our leaders didn’t go crazy and push the nuclear buttons we would slowly progress even more towards civilization. Gay people were still struggling, but at least people were talking about the issue publicly for the first time. Yes, there was terrible inflation, but we were cockily sure we could fix that. It’s true that Debby Boone had the number one hit with “You Light Up My Life” which I hope never to hear again as long as I live, but on the other hand we got Don McLean and Jim Croce and Star Wars. Also disco, which was crazy fun. Then Reagan got elected. It’s been downhill ever since. I would never have believed then that they would bring back the Spanish Inquisition.

      • calliecallie

        The pendulum swings, as my old boss used to say. With Ray-gun’s election the pendulum reached the peak of its leftward momentum and started swinging back the other way. I am hopeful that we are at or close to the peak of rightward momentum, and that any minute now it will start swinging back left. Stick around for another 30 years and we will see some great times. I hope. Maybe even a resurgence of Disco! Last chance, let’s dance!

        • Angela Ruzzo

          I certainly hope so. But in 30 years I will be 90, if I live that long, which is doubtful, and I’m not sure I want to live to be 90 anyway. By age 90 all my senior relatives were deaf and wearing diapers and living in nursing homes. When I was 20 I sincerely believed that by the time I was 60 we would have a colony on the moon. Silly me.

          • Courser

            I’m with you. I’ve lived through so much bullshit already, in the post-Reagan era, dancing as fast as I fucking can just to keep my head above water. Not sure I can hold out for another 30 years. In 30 years I’ll be 87, if I’m still alive.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            My parents and their siblings were part of “The Greatest Generation” and they all lived to be 90 or more and had incredible tolerance for illness and surgeries and decrepitude and suffering. I suppose if you lived through terrible poverty during the Great Depression as they did, practically nothing will kill you. I don’t think my generation – the Baby Boomers – will live that long or have that level of tolerance and endurance. I intend to follow the example of Maude in the movie “Harold and Maude” and check out around my 80th birthday, if I’m still living. It’s all downhill after 80.

        • Angela Ruzzo

          If they send in the National Guard, things will get interesting. I had a college roommate who was at Kent State in 1970, and we don’t want to see that again. Last I heard of the Ohio National Guard, most of them were in Afghanistan.

  • cheetojeebus

    it’s like wack-a-mole with this shit.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      This is literally the tactic at work here.

  • Thaumaturgist

    The ultimate joy of Christianity is casting stones.

    • Spurning Beer

      Yes, that and wearing beams in your eyes.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Beams the size of the Siberian Taiga.

  • dslindc

    When these legislators run for reelection, they should be required to list the amount of taxpayer money wasted on lawsuits resulting from ridiculous laws they passed next to their name on the ballot.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      They will never pass that law.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Don’t bet your bottom dollar on it. In Missouri where I live the Republican legislature is constantly passing bullshit laws that our Democrat governor has to veto because they are unconstitutional. Unfortunately Oklahoma doesn’t have a Democrat governor.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          I meant the law requiring them to disclose how much money was wasted by proposing unconstitutional laws and how much it wound up costing the state on the ballots next to their name.

          • Spurning Beer

            They would pass it if Obama announced his opposition to it.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Ah, I get you now. You’re right – that would never pass. I’d like to see a law passed by Congress saying that they get exactly the same raise that is given to Social Security recipients every year, but that will never pass either.

    • Thaumaturgist

      In Oklahoma, slut shaming isn’t a waste of money. Slut shaming is the whole point and purpose of government in Oklahoma, and places like it.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Begging for FEMA funds after tornadoes libelz!

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Complaining about FEMA the rest of the time libelz also too!

        • Nounverb911

          Fracking earthquakes too, also.

        • DeputyVanHalen

          While simultaneously being scared that Obama sent the tornado to have them rounded up into FEMA death camps.

        • Gayer Than Thou

          I hereby propose the No FEMA Funds For States That Pass Unconstitutional Laws Act (NFFFSTPULA) of 2016.

          • Courser

            Oooh, great idea!

    • They pretty much run (and win) elections on the boast about how many times they voted to outlaw any and all abortions, darn the cost to taxpayers. I fear the average fundie voter has little or no concept and/or concern about how much it costs to defend these wacko laws.

      Besides, it’s SAVING GOD’S PRECIOUS BABBIES!!!1!!

      • Jay Vaughn

        They also have run on how many votes they made to eliminate the gays.
        it’s SAVING GOD’S PRECIOUS BUTTHOLES!!!1!

      • Msmlg1979

        Until they are born, get the flu, and instead of giving them fluids, ya pray a bunch, and they die!!

        • SDGeoff

          When parents pray their innocent children to death, do they still get the insurance when the child dies?

          • Msmlg1979

            I have no clue. I’m certain they think they should. It reminds me of Munchausen by Proxy. I see these people wallowing in all the attention and praise of their great faith they receive from their congregations, and never being sad or sorry at all, because their utter self-centeredness prevented them from feeling love for their children in the first place.

    • Spotts1701

      I would also advocate they take a basic high-school level civics class. Anything less than a “C” and they are disqualified.

      • DeputyVanHalen

        They’d just ban the class like they did AP history for not being Murica Fuck Yeah! enough

  • Michael Smith

    So I guess the Oklahoma legislature is getting on The Triggering fun as well?

  • eddi
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Tom Coburn is next? “He’ll be good”? Mika, come on now. Donna Rose is going to be giving you permanent side eye.

    • chicken thief

      Rut roh. Looks like Mika is bleeding out of her whereevers today…

  • dslindc

    Maybe it’s time for Oklahoma Republicans to take an abstinence only approach to legislating.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Taking breaths is the work of the Devil, Oklahoma Rethugs! Just say no!

  • tehbaddr

    “Hey guys listen. I’ve got this great idea about how we can around Roe vs Wade.”

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Pretend it doesn’t exist! Na-na-na boo-boo, I can’t hear you!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      This is what happens when someone clicks a “one weird trick” ad on freerepublic.

  • DeputyVanHalen

    I hate this state more everyday. It’s not like there are real issues or the state is hemorrhaging money or anything. Let’s waste more time and money fighting lawsuits that were totally preventable. And it will pass too. The House is full of bigger wingnuts than the Senate.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Ohhhhklahoma where derp comes rolling down the plains!

    • LarkintheAM

      The derp is as high as an elephant’s eye.

    • Msmlg1979

      And the women die, cause a man in the sky
      Said girls should be constantly in painnnnn

  • Scooby

    Wait, so if Oklahoma and Idaho get together I think we can have a birth then pray the baby to death. Am I connecting these last 2 stories together correctly?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Sadly, I think there’s a lot of praying for miscarriages in both states.

      • beavertank

        It wouldn’t surprise me if most of the population of both states aren’t really bright enough to use google… so… you may be right.

      • Scooby

        Yea, by the rest of the country too.

  • “Fury with the Cringe on Top”.

    Nice one!

  • beavertank

    Oklahoma loves them some unconstitutional laws. Once upon a time, they wanted to castrate chicken thieves.

    It’s… it’s almost like they actually hate the constitution…

    • Nounverb911

      Joni Ernst is working for the wrong state…

    • chicken thief

      WHAT?!!!!!1!~!

      • Msmlg1979

        RUN!!!

        • chicken thief

          They really need to check the browser history of whoever proposed that law. Chickens is fine eating not primo poontang.

          • Msmlg1979

            Tell that to the cock!

          • Meccalopolis

            Charlie Altamont: Are you saying… that I would cut off a chicken’s head? Stick my dick in it? Fuck it… And go “Aah”? You accuse me of fucking a chicken, motherfucker?

            Darrell: I’m not callin’ you a chicken fucker but that boy over there looks sexually frustrated, and I don’t approve of chicken fucking.

            Clevon: [to Charlie] You hear what he called me, boss? I ain’t no fuckin’ chicken fucker!

            Darrell: My mistake, my mistake.

            Clevon: He called me a fuckin’ chicken fucker!

      • beavertank

        Don’t worry, the supreme court threw it out, your huevos are safe… for now.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      What about chicken borrowers?

      • beavertank

        I think the answer then depends on whether or not they’re also indian givers.

        …which was probably a phrase used in the law, because Oklahoma.

    • chicken thief

      Just a kick in the nuts for egg snatchers?

    • Meccalopolis

      keep f*%king that chicken, Mkay OK

  • YoBunnyBunny

    I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to google up on this. But where the hell is the NRA-equivalent of medical practitioners??? Any practicing doctor–not just abortion providers–should be raising unholy hell about laws like this in any part of the country. These kinds of laws are basically telling doctors what kind of procedures they can and cannot do based on a bunch of bullshit skydaddy interpretations.

    • eddi

      The American Medical Association usually puts in a good word. They may be still picking themselves up off the floor and trying to compose a statement that doesn’t start “You fucking MORONS!!”

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Why be subtle?

  • glasspusher

    These folks should turn their concern over 9 months’ time to helping students get through college. We’d be a nation of PhDs in no time! They could take the summer off to rest and recover to help in class the next academic year.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Highly doubt these yahoos “helping” students would do much good, unless the aim is to teach folks to count to potato.

      • glasspusher

        They could serve as a “don’t let this happen to you” exhibit

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    These bills are not being proposed/passed because the legislators don’t get that they are not constitutional. They are being used to force expensive court battles and to keep abortion rights (and other civil rights) in limbo. At lower jurisdictions, where the profile is too low for the ACLU or other pro bono work, and the governments are too strapped for protracted, extensive court battles, this shit just gets passed.

    And this is a deliberate tactic. Not something they stumbled on, but something the VRWC deliberately instigated.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Let’s hope they get their legal fees paid by the state. And if they’re eligible, I hope they use the most expensive lawyers in town.

      • SDGeoff

        Like in Michigan.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Is there any way to bump a few of these states back to terriorial status?

    They can have the “car keys” back when they’re older and have learned some responsibility.

    • Nockular cavity

      I say give Oklahoma back to the Indians.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        They request that it be cleaned first.

        • Blank Ron

          ‘You put that oil right back where you found it, mister!’

  • Robyn Ryan

    They think the Constitution is ‘optional.’

  • Ricky Gay

    so um, like, these Okie law-makers eat lead paste, poop out the lead paste, another one of ’em eats that pooped out lead paste and so on and so on? It is the only explanation that makes any kinda sense.

  • nmmagyar

    Is it possible to make it through an OB/GYN rotation as a resident without performing an abortion? Is there a practicing OB/GYN anywhere in the nation that hasn’t done one? Did they just criminalize an entire area of practice?

  • memzilla

    Oklahoma, the Surrey With The Lunatic Fringe On Top.

    BTW, when does the Relocation Kickstarter for CommieMom begin?

  • bozilingus

    Why aren’t people who choose to run for public office required to take a civil service test and receive a high score before proceeding towards the election?

    • lroom

      I’d be happy if they at least had a second-grade understanding of the Constitution they are sworn to uphold.

  • kindness

    There is a good reason I don’t live in the mid-west. This is example A, B, C & D.

    • ChicagoLovesYou

      But some of us, you should assume, are good people.

      • Iam Reading

        Hostages?

  • mailman27

    As the rest of the world looks on…

    • Blank Ron

      And alternates between helpless laughter and unutterable shock.

  • Callyson

    This would be the same Oklahoma that wants to throw poor people off Medicaid? WTF does the Sooner State have against the health care profession FFS?

    • Iam Reading

      Ask their pastors

  • Steven M. Harries

    Tom Joad: Reaganite. And his grandkids love Cruz.

  • Sarah Richard

    People need to take mid term elections more seriously!

  • Spurning Beer

    Wait. Tom Coburn was an OB/GYN in Oklahoma, wasn’t he?

    A doctor who has performed abortions wants there to be the death penalty for those who perform them. He also sterilized a 20 year old woman without her consent, and then illegally billed Medicaid for the procedure. He said “That [“the gay”] agenda is the greatest threat to our freedom that we face today.” He criticized NBC for showing “Schindler’s List,” saying that it promoted “irresponsible sexual behavior.”

    That must mean that the OK legislature is going to have to have a statute of limitations on the murder charges.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      An understandable mistake. He didn’t realize Schlonger’s List is an entirely different movie.

    • Tansy Geek

      I really hope he lost HIS license for the illegal sterilization. Why, oh why can’t votes come equipped with lethal poisons darts?

  • Punchinello

    I’m troubled that your surrey is missing its isinglass curtains.

    • Steven M. Harries

      Better scurry, then.

  • chicken thief

    But doctors that perform breast augmentation still get bonuses, right?

    • shastakoala

      I can only assume breast reductions will become illegal though.

  • NoGoodnik

    It is important to punish the sinner. And women having sex and babies out of wedlock is definitely a sin. So, no one gets to do it and everyone connected to it must suffer including the resulting child for ever and ever. Amen.

    • Msmlg1979

      I would point out to them married women also have abortions, because family planning doesn’t always work out the way you plan, and most women, even married ones, don’t wish/can’t afford to give birth constantly like a Goddamn Pez dispenser shooting out candy, but you can’t reason with the slut punishers.

      • NoGoodnik

        If God didn’t want Bristol Palin to have no baby, He weren’t put one all up in thar now would He? Same goes for those married uns. It is God’s will.

        That’s why men have to decide when and with whom women can have sex. It is why God made women property. If we could just get back to the Biblical view of women, then all of our problems would be solved. I’m sure that’s in the Constitution some where.

        • Msmlg1979

          You speak a mean Wingnut!

          • NoGoodnik

            Aw shucks. I have to admit. I was purdy proud of that one.

        • Whale Chowder

          Funny how “when and with whom women can have sex” always turns out to be when the man wants it, innit?

          • NoGoodnik

            What other is there?

    • Iam Reading

      Except the dude who busted a nut. He cool

  • Iam Reading

    Okies, even worse than Texans

  • Relativicus

    I mean… I mean… What? I just- what? Is it also illegal to practice law in Oklahoma and that’s why OK lawmakers don’t have access to basic legal counsel? Nobody, not even the most optimistic anti-abortion mope, can actually believe this law will stand longer than a second after its signed. I get that legislating to the GOP is merely a string of gimmicks, but this goes far beyond “gimmick”. In fact, why even do this dance at all? Just push a bill outlawing abortion. I just… I mean I… What?

    • Tansy Geek

      House of Blue Lights has an excellent explanation below. It’s a time/money wasting and scare tactic that drives practioners out and they think (incorrectly) that it will make women afraid to consider abortion.

      • Relativicus

        There will probably be some of that among the public, but actual practitioners have got to know this law is about as illegal as the most illegal law ever illegally illegaled. The injunction papers will probably be sitting on the judge’s desk a week before Fallin’s signing ceremony.

        • Tansy Geek

          Anybody without the money to insure and defend themselves in court or who doesn’t want a bullseye painted on their forehead probably keeps real quiet or siddles out of state. I suppose it make the legislature feel like like they are fighting the good fight even though most of the constituents, if they bothered to vote, support abortion in at least some circumstances. Shit like this does bring out the howler monkeys and their check books for campaign contributions too. It’s destructive Kabuki theater for the god botherers.

      • John Norris

        Also assures the sponsors their reelection fund will be overflowing. That I believe is the primary goal.

    • lroom

      That’s what they did If you can be arrested for murder that’s a crime.

  • A Grumpy Cat, Not Esq.

    Please secede from the union and set up your own little country of Fuckyouistan. You fucking twatwaffle asshole shitfaced motherfucking pricks.

  • Tansy Geek

    Time to criminalize miscarriage in 3,2,1…..

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      This bill already does that, by extension. If a woman works, and her work is determined to be a cause of the miscarriage (through exertion, for example) under this law they can say it was first degree murder.

      • Msmlg1979

        No. Nope. Nein. Nuh uh. Non. Please say it ain’t so, Jen!! Lie to me.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Abortion” means the use or prescription of any instrument, medicine, drug or any other substance or device to intentionally kill an unborn human being; 2. “Unborn human being” means the offspring of human beings from the moment of conception

          So if your egg gets fertilized, and if you have a miscarriage, someone CAN accuse you of first degree murder. If you had a drink before you knew you were preggers, did drugs, worked physical labor, etc etc etc etc etc.

          • Msmlg1979

            They aren’t even trying to hide how much they despise women any longer. It’s so blatant.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Pretty right out there yes. This is frightening, actually. Very.

          • Hesavebread!

            I find it impossible to explain to fellow Scots just how fucked up some states in the US are, I really wish there were fewer examples.

          • Tansy Geek

            Fell down the stairs. Were vocally ambivalent about having a baby and your placenta tore or your cervix was weak.

          • Msmlg1979

            At fault in a car accident. Rode a horse. Provoked someone into raping you with your irresistible lady body.

          • Squirrel_t_robot

            An inquest after every miscarriage.

            Oh, and no life saving for a woman whose pregnancy is killing her; the fetus now has more rights than she does.

          • Tansy Geek

            And you have to carry that microcencphalic or limbless baby to term.

    • Squirrel_t_robot

      Why not?

      Mississippi and Alabama already do so when the woman in a minority and the miscarriage seems ‘suspect’.

      In their glee to control women’s bodies, they always forget that they are dealing with people who have more rights than a fetus.

      • Tansy Geek

        It doesn’t stop them from jailing or prosecuting the woman until the case gets(hopefully) thrown out on appeal.

        • Shan

          In Indiana, Purvi Patel got 20+ years for both “feticide” and “neglect of a dependent” which are contradictory charges. But she had to pay somehow for producing a dead baby, right?

    • MarkM

      Miscarriage is God performing an abortion, iznit? So why aren’t they pissed at the Big Guy?

      • cat cafe

        ZACTLY

  • splashy79

    Why do women live there? There should be a mass exodus out of the state, leaving only the men and the few masochistic women that like suffering and dying.

    • Iam Reading

      Sort of a us version of pakistan?

    • arrrghle

      I always used to say that Oklahoma was peopled by descendants of the people who didn’t leave in spite of the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression, which explains some things. (My mom’s people come from there, so I get to say that.)

  • lroom

    What the actual fuck?!!

    • Hesavebread!

      As a lawyer, and admittedly this is not my jurisdiction or area of expertise but I would just like to echo: What the fucking fuck?

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Say good bye to amniocentesis and IV fertilization, Oklahoma.

    • Shan

      And IUDs because they cause ‘bortions.

  • yellowdoggie

    I promise you we really exist outside of the old-timey musical. And it’s like living in a third-world Dominionist hell hole. Why do I stay? I’m on a mission to change this hell hole.

    • Hesavebread!

      Good luck. And that isn’t snark.

    • Tansy Geek

      Goddess bless and may she strengthen your arm and shield your heart.

    • Msmlg1979

      Vote early. Vote often.

    • Blank Ron

      Good luck. Looks to be a Sisyphean task, that.

    • Zyxomma

      Wow. That’s a lot of hard work. Do you register voters? Drive them to the polls? Lend/give them money to get documents they need? No snark, I just wonder how you go about it.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Keep up the good fight!

    • MarkM

      You have high hopes! High apple pie, in the sky hopes!

  • Bitter Scribe

    The fools who are pushing these measures will be glad to tell you how much they respect the Constitution. Just not certain of the rights it guarantees.

    • Tansy Geek

      Women and reproduction aren’t specifically mentioned so we’re fair game, yes?

      • Paperless Tiger

        It’s compulsive. The ‘conservative’ mind is a strict hierarchy. They really have no basis for any concept of equality. They could never even begin understand the Constitution.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          I’d call ’em cave men, but recent evidence suggests Neanderthals may have had a matriarchal society.

          • Iam Reading

            Which is why H.S.S. had to wipe them out. Witches!!!

        • Iam Reading

          The abortion thing is all patriarchy and slut shaming. Forced birthers can’t stand consequence free sex if women are having it

          • cat cafe

            Absolutely. That’s all it is. They are only about shaming, punishing, and controlling women. It’s crystal clear in their behavior and the laws they try to pass and the other things they support or fail to support (like, you know, birth control). They see women as brood mares. What I don’t understand is how any woman can support this.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      They like the parts that work for them.

  • Blank Ron

    It will never, ever occur to these fuckwits that God might have been sending all those earthquakes and tornados to make them STOP being fuckwits, now, will it?

    • georgiaburning

      To get their attention, it’ll take a F6 that sits half an hour over the statehouse or the football stadium.

      • MarkM

        Boomer fucking Sooner!

      • Shan

        Thanks for the cathartic visual.

  • tinker12

    Ok, Okiegals — no more fucking sex until these men get their big heads out of their asses. Srsly.

    • ken_kukec

      Lysistrata in the Ozarks.

    • Whale Chowder

      Bah, I knew I should’ve read all the comments.

  • mardam422

    Just more fodder for the OK Supreme Court, if not the USSC to throw out, wasting valuable time and energy that could be spent on governing. What else is new?

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    Dammit Okalhoma!
    Here’s a jar of paste, go back to your corner!

  • anon_the_great

    I’m sure this will pass konstitushional mustard.

  • Mavenmaven

    They are also renaming the University of Oklahoma’s OB/GYN department as the “Timothy McVeigh Memorial Women’s Health Program”.

  • chimichanga

    O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A right on the heels of M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.

    • Iam Reading

      And fucking Idaho.

  • Zyxomma

    I feel deep sympathy for anyone in Oklahoma who votes D, is female, or has a brain. Or even half of one.

  • paltroony

    Every time I hear something like this, from the Uber Thumps, my butt hurts. Declare all these fucktard states mistakes, have the Army Corps of Engineers cut them away, bunch them all together and drag them out into the ocean like the old Texas Towers, away from sane and rational beings. And leave them there.

  • dshwa

    Dear dipshits,

    Scalia is still dead, and even Kennedy isn’t going to stand for this shit. Stop wasting time and tax dollars.

  • YayConspiracy
  • MarkM

    Of course once those precious little fetuses are actually able to totter around on their own two feet, they can go fuck themselves…

  • Sardonicuss
    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      FYI, There’s a link to a PP petition buried in here, at the end of the article. Have at it, fellow Wonkers!

    • EmmettGrogan

      Your graphic says it all – OK Congress is practicing medicine without a license! If I were a woman living in OK and needed an abortion I’d sure everyone in that state’s Congress for practicing medicine without a license. That’s where I’d start then I’d also sue them for governing without a brain.

  • jmk

    No war on women? Fuck these guys.
    Yeah yeah, with votes.

    • handyhippie65

      at this point, it is more a war on freedoms that aren’t bibble sanctioned.

      • jmk

        I honestly do not understand how the rational people left in Oklahoma do not spend all of their time tracking these nitwits down and dopeslapping them (yeah yeah, with votes) into oblivion.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    We need us a nice liberal majority on the Supreme Court so they can get one of these laws and blatantly state that the states do not have the right to enforce any local laws or regulations that prevent a woman from exercising her right to obtain an abortion.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I bet they had a meeting and went: “Hey, you know what would be a brilliant way of banning abortion that would totally fool everyone, including the Supreme Court?”

  • lovelydestruction

    So they are going to investigate every miscarriage as potential murder?

  • MrCanoehead

    ffs

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