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This is an ad that appeared in the august pages of Christianity Today:

ad

It is no longer there, because Christianity Today has taken the bold stand that it’s really gross for daddies to sell their unfucked daughters in the want ads. OR, to be more specific, it’s really gross for daddies to put ads in the “jobs” section of Christianity Today offering to “hire” dudes to fuck their daughters in the marital way.

Here are the things that are wrong with this, along with some of our questions:

  • HOLY MOTHER OF OH MY SWEET JESUS WHAT THE FUCK??? If your worldview says it’s somehow A Good Idea to look upon your godly gorgeous daughter and say to yourself, “Hot damn, what a beaut! And she’s intact too! I think I’ll put an ad in the paper and find a Christian peen rod to crowbar that thing open within the bonds of holy matrimony,” then you probably have a bad worldview.
  • We learn from The Daily Beast that the as-yet-untouched gentlelady is named Rachel Stewart, and she takes all this in stride, saying in a now deleted blog post, “At least it’s appropriate they placed it in the Employment Opportunities section because putting up with this father-in-law’s shenanigans is a full time job, without any paid vacation.” Haha, glad she has a sense of humor — just like it said in the ad! — but WHY DO YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR PERV FATHER, RACHEL????
  • Why did this nasty troll man feel the need to take it upon himself NOW to sell his daughter in exchange for some goats? It is because she is 26? As we all know, conservative Christian hoo-hoo-dirties rot from the inside like termite-infested cottonwood trees if they’re not invaded by matrimonial man-dong by age 30, but is dude really that hopeless that his hot, bilingual, well-educated daughter can’t find that for herself?
  • According to Religion News Service, the daddy in question hails from Wheaton, Illinois, home of the creepy-ass evangelical Wheaton College, which is so wingnutty it just quit-fired a professor for being nice to Muslims. Based on that, we’re going to leap over the chasm and guess this is one of those fucked up families where little girls marry their vaginas to Daddy and Jesus at Purity Balls, and then (we are guessing) every year afterward, the girls are required to deliver unto their fathers an annual State Of The Pussy Address, to ensure the family flower is still ready for the right Christian husband to come along and scoop it up like a gently used car. (It IS TOO “gently used” if Daddy and Jesus have had joint title to it for all these years.) Are we correct?
  • And if that’s the case and Daddy’s just trying to get rid of his daughter’s soon-to-expire Christian vag, the way he did a couple years back with the old Honda that was due for a costly timing belt repair, why did he put this in the “jobs” section? Shouldn’t it have been in the “Used Cars/Old Daughters” section?
  • And if it had been placed in the appropriate section, wouldn’t this have been a better ad?

    Gorgeous, athletic little beaut, ready for its next loving owner. Non-smoking, stored in garage away from the elements. Equipped with “EG” (extra-Godly) package, installed aftermarket by original owner. Mileage: NEVER BEEN DRIVEN, though she may have been towed around the block a few times by neighborhood boys who said it “doesn’t count” if the ignition switch isn’t fully engaged. Tight suspension! Rides great (probably!)! $1500 OBO.

Those are all of our thoughts and questions. Now we are having terrible flashbacks to that creepy-ass girl who got her doctor to examine her lady bits for evidence of dicktrails and send a framed copy of her virginity certification to her daddy, and we are very afraid of some of the people who walk among us every day.

[The Daily Beast / Religion News Service]

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  • Nounverb911

    Trump can do it!

    • MarkM

      That picture reminds me of an old joke about Pinocchio. I don’t remember the whole thing, just the punch line, which is Raggedy Ann sitting on Pinocchio’s face, yelling: “Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a…

      • kindness

        It reminds me of an old (early 70’s) National Lampoon cartoon about Dick Nixon which of course there is no web link for me to share. Ahh the innocence of the early 70’s.

  • LarryHoudini

    “Careered?” THAT’S A DEAL BREAKER OLD MAN.

  • Spotts1701

    Well he is a CFO, so it may just be about asset valuation to him. Gotta make a move before depreciation sets in.

  • Msmlg1979

    If you hear a strange sound in the distance, it’s me, screaming. GAH!!!!!

  • Walter Wellstone

    I figure they think it if it’s OK for Drumpf to say sex stuff about his daughter it should be OK for the fundies too, amirite?

    • MarkM

      Of course there is no way in hell Ivanka could have reached the age of 26 a virgin…not with her dear old dad around.

  • But will she bring land and plate as part of her dowry?

    • Msgr_Moment

      And how many sheep? And, please, this time, no ugly ones.

      • Mike you already have a wife. Greed is a sin.

      • No ungodly sheep either, meaning none that have spent a lot of time in the Welsh countryside.

        • Meccalopolis

          everybody picks on the welsh

          • I know, but I joke with love because I have Welsh ancestry. “Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri…”

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Easy foryou to say.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      It gets complicated.

      Dowry has existed in Persia for over 1000 years, and called jahīzīeh (sometimes spelled jahaz or jaheez, جهیزیه).[107][108] Jahiz is vestments, furniture, jewelry, cash and other paraphernalia a bride’s family gives to the bride to take with her to the groom’s family.[109] Jahiz is separate from Mahr required by Sharia religious laws, as well as the traditional payment of Shir Baha (literally: price of milk), in rural Iran.[110][111] Dowry-related violence and deaths in Iran are reported in Iranian newspapers, some of which appear in English media.[112]

      • SterWonk

        Dowry’s are also a thing in India, at least traditionally. I hope modern marriages don’t have that type of thing… :-S

    • RoyalUglyDude

      Throw in an F-150 with a new set of snow tires, then we’ll talk.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Bilingual? Well, if you insist…

    • Markuserektus

      Darlin’!

    • Kakkeltje

      Is she speaking in tongues?

      • YoBunnyBunny

        Tongues ain’t no foreign lang—- uh oh…

        Opal Libelz!!!!

      • Msgr_Moment

        With that tongue, she doesn’t have to speak a word.

  • Seaside

    Still, it’s less embarrassing than saying you met on FarmersOnly.com.

    • MrBlobfish

      When it comes to rural dating and animal lover dating, Farmersonly.com could be seen as the only show that’s NOT in town!

      Hmmm. I see.

  • crunchyknee

    Hymen says what?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Hi, men!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Hi, men, new in town?

  • MrBlobfish

    State Of The Pussy Address? Given by Ted Cruz?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Sounds more like a job for . . .

      No, that would be Wrong.

      • Pickwicknext

        And that has stopped us before exactly when?

        • MrBlobfish

          “Wrong” is my middle name.

  • BearGHAZI

    old maid. PASS

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Gee, daddy, now that my penis holster has expired I guess I’ll just have to live with friend Ellen for the rest of my life. Darn it all!

  • Creepoman

    Hey pops, your daughter is a lesbian. Get over it.

    • Logic of Color

      or…”mom, dad, meet my fiancee “Kim”.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    Dear godly father: sorry. That girl’s into anal.

    • janecita

      She learned it from her Godly friends.http://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY

      • Jonny On Maui

        One of G&O’s best…

      • OddMan

        It’s God’s Loop’Hole’.

  • Helena Handbag

    This gal’s going to need lots of therapy

  • goonemeritus

    I’ve always tended to go for higher mileage, sportier rides but that just me.

    • Oneofthebobs

      You have to think about resale value!

      • goonemeritus

        It is a little depressing to think about that just driven off the lot depreciation.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I was under the impression that arranged marriages were usually negotiated long before 26.

  • Logic of Color

    She drops off the parent’s insurance at 26. Thanks Obama.

  • baconzgood

    For Baconz the “You: Unworthy but becomming less so daily”, is the creepiest part. It’s so cryptic.

    • MarkM

      Which metric is supposed to be shifting anyway? Is the potential suitor endeavouring to become more worthy? Or is her perceived “worthiness” declining as she ages?

      • yyyaz

        There is a slight yet undeniable taint of “six months to live” lurking in them words.

      • Msmlg1979

        Her worthiness declining. Old maid, and all that, you know.

    • Nounverb911

      Desperate much?

    • dslindc

      It’s also unclear if she can make a good sammich, which seems like something those of an overly-patriarchal persuasion might care about.

      • baconzgood

        I’m going out on a limb but I betcha her mom taught her how to make sammichs, between her Carriesque beatings.

    • chicken thief

      It’s like 2 am in a bar – everybody starts looking a little better.

    • SnarkTank

      Note that “You” doesn’t have to be godly. Or a virgin. Or age-appropriate. I’m sure I have a chance!

      • Naytch

        I can use a good junior wife as long as her chastity belt ain’t seized up! Cuz multiple wives is totes cool in the OT.
        “Ow! Honey put down that fireplace poker!”

    • Lizzietish81

      I’m thinking forty trials

      Or maybe just unpaid labor on his farm

      • Suttree

        Is this a Kafka joke that I’m missing?

        • Lizzietish81

          I was thinking more Hercules

          • Suttree

            Derp. I understand now. That happened to fly over my head though.

      • April

        Speaking of farms, I wonder if he would take goats and/or chickens as trade. If so how many.

        Asking for a friend.

    • Naytch

      Where in Illinois was Josh Duggar attending xtian puptent revival school? I hope he didn’t see the ad!

  • Antonin Dvorak

    In related news, that professor who was tossed out of Wheaton has been hired at the U of Virginia.

    • MrBlobfish

      At first, I thought that said U of Vagina. Where’s my head at?

      • Nounverb911

        Wonkette?

      • The right place?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Drinking too much Drumpf Wine?…

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Up your wherever?

      • arglebargle

        I was gonna say up your ass, but that ain’t right.

      • Suttree

        Exactly where she wants it. Now shut up and get back to work.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Where’s my head at?

        Zombie Reagan, is that you??

        Sir, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

      • Gayer Than Thou

        I feel like this is a trick question…

  • Markuserektus

    And these people want a say in how this country is run?

    • Zippy

      No, they want ALL the say in how this country is run

      • Spotts1701

        Gah, my thunder! It has been stolen!

    • Helena Handbag

      They want a say in how your life is run, up to and including your thoughts

      • Msmlg1979

        And most especially your vagina! This makes me see red!!

        • Pickwicknext

          That’s just the blood coming out of your wherever

        • Suttree

          I apologize for laughing at your double entendre.

          • Msmlg1979

            Watch yourself. I’m forming a posse above, and you do NOT want to make my list. ;)

          • Suttree

            Depends on what my punishment is? ;)

          • Msmlg1979

            I think I’d rather have you IN the posse. We need a few good men.

          • Suttree

            But I’m a very naughty boy!

          • Msmlg1979

            It’s like you WANT to be a target of the tampon catapult.

          • Suttree

            I have NEEDZ!

          • Msmlg1979

            Do you not understand my feminist humiliation posse is not about your needs, Sir?!

          • Suttree

            I am all about taking care of your needz first!

          • Msmlg1979

            In that case, hand me that jar that’s out of my reach, and open it, while you’re at it. Do you use tools? Tools are icky. I don’t like them, and everything in my house is broken! I have needz, too! ;)

          • Suttree

            I have thousands of dollars worth of tools and a rolling chest to go with them. I also enjoy fixing things. My likes include but are not limited too: Fixing stuff, cooking, witty repartee, warm beer and cold women. If you catch the last reference I will donate $20 to my local liquor store.

          • Msmlg1979

            I like men who can do tools and fixin’! To my everlasting shame, I had to Google that reference. I am a loser.

          • Suttree

            That is what a handsome skilled man is there for darling. I don’t even know why I like it so much. I just like to take stuff apart and put it back together. I started doing it as a young child. I’m not really happy unless I’m building something or fixing something. What reference do you speak of?

          • Msmlg1979

            The warm beer cold women reference. Some people have that gift, and I admire it deeply. I do NOT. I am trying to get better. I got a drill for Christmas, and one day, I WILL use it! I will drill something, and it will be glorious!

          • Suttree

            Oh ok. I love me some Waits! It’s the perfect accompaniment for a night out or the morning after. I have a couple grand worth of tools and I only need like another $20,000 worth before I’m happy. They give me great comfort just like books, food, and wine do. Just make sure that you keep your free hand away from the back side of whatever you are drilling through. I’ve made that mistake before.

          • Msmlg1979

            I only need another $20,000 in clothes before I’m happy and have something to wear! Fixing things is a good way for me to end up crying in the floor, and hating myself, like the time I tried to change a doorknob. I am good at several things, but being handy is not on the list. If I drill through my hand, I am quitting tools forever! We’re on the same page on books, food, and wine though! I’m getting Suttree next library trip, BTW!

          • Suttree

            Ok. Well if we ever happen upon one another you get to buy clothes and I get to buy tools of an equal amount. I’m sure that you would look fine in a potato sack though. ;) I actually just traded Lizzie, Suttree for her favorite book. I really hope that you enjoy it! It can be a bit lyrical and verbose at points but I find it beautifully written. Think of Faulkner being read aloud by Tom Waits. Keep me updated on how you find it. I’m good at a lot of things. Most of them tend to involve fire.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZY9_Xr5XPA

          • Msmlg1979

            I like fire!

          • Suttree

            I was actually a bit of a pyro as a kid. I think that is why I channeled my energy into the controlled use of it. I have set myself on fire over a half dozen times and am no worse for the wear. I’m certainly the crazy uncle after playing the put your hand on the hot stove game with my 14 year old niece this x-mas. It was a radiant stovetop. The look on her face was priceless when she tried to touch it though. I know I’m weird and have an ability to withstand heat that would make lesser men cry. My niece thought it was impressive. Then I cooked dinner.

          • Msmlg1979

            I have known crazy fire-loving boys like you before! I have never set myself on fire, but being someone who cooks a lot, I burn myself constantly. I also smoke, and burn myself doing that, too, but setting my precious self on fire? No, no, no. I’m not exactly the crazy aunt, but I’m the foul-mouthed, loud, liberal, attention-lavishing aunt who tells the kids like it is, and I’m childlike (not childISH) and playful, so I’m always down in the floor playing with the younger nieces pieces, and taking my 17 yr old sister, and oldest niece shopping and on fun trips. They are far nicer to deal with than the adults in the family most of the time! I never had or wanted or will want children, but I enjoy them.

          • Suttree

            Stop being a female girly version of me! I have never had nor do I ever want children but I had soooo much fun with my nieces and nephew over x-mas. Jeez I thought I cursed like a sailor. They are all super duper awesome and helped me cook. They were my little prep cooks and hung on my every word. I don’t see them enough. I was the babysitter for two weeks because my sister was working, and my job consisted of drinking wine, cooking, and telling the kids not to break shit because they had to fix it if they did. I am cool uncle. Playing cards and music with the kids. My middle niece actually introduced me to some good music!

          • Msmlg1979

            I know, the similarities are fucking weird, right?! Thanks for not thinking it’s strange or bad I didn’t want children. People sometimes think something’s wrong with me because I’m a childless woman. I love my little sis, and my nieces pieces more than anything in the world. They ARE my daughters. I watched them all be born (my sis and 2 blood nieces, but not my 3 step nieces, although I’m close with them, too)and have always been closely involved in their lives and their raising. They are each smart, kind, talented, funny, beautiful, and much loved. I have a million perfect memories with them, and I have enjoyed every phase of their lives, from 5 tiny baby girls, to 2 who are almost women now.

          • Suttree

            I just don’t understand the desire to breed. It has never been on my radar. From what I can tell from this vantage point you are a version of me that just happens to have lady parts in all the right places. I love my nieces and nephew but I would never want to have them as my own. I had soooo much fun hanging out with them over the holidays but I was glad to return to my fortress of solitude, and the peace and quite of not hearing the pitter patter of Chihuahuas. I do miss the kittehs though.

          • Msmlg1979

            I never did either. Even when I was little. I never saw myself with children, or even married, although I hoped to have a fulfilling, happy, committed relationship with the right man. I’ve managed committed, but not fulfilling, happy, or the right man. I’m happy to send the kids home, although I do miss them, but if I ever had to take them, I would, and I think I would do a good job. It would be hard. I need a lot of alone time, I don’t like being tied down, and I like to party and travel. Do you not have a cat as much as you like them?

          • Suttree

            No kitty at the moment. But I plan on one after my next move to a place where they are allowed. I miss every kitty I have ever had. Including the strays that were just drawn to me as a child. I have gotten the committed part down also. The happy and fulfilling were rather fleeting glances though. It’s all a work in progress. I think Lizzie is laughing at us right now so please continue with the flirtation. She liked the part about the library apparently.

          • Msmlg1979

            I feed a literal army of stray cats who live behind my office, and we are entering cat pregnancy season. I expect to be feeding around 850 soon (probably close to 30 by summer..so many cats!!!). You get somewhere you can have a cat, and I will hand deliver you a kitty. I will hand deliver you as many cats as you will take. Tell your friends. I’ll bring them cats!

          • Suttree

            Aren’t you just a saint! We can get to the sinner part later. Thank you for feeding the strays! That enamors me even more if you can imagine it.

          • Msmlg1979

            A saint? Hahahaaa!! Practically! No..but I do like to help animals. My Mom is an animal helper, and she taught me that. Lots of people don’t spay/neuter in this area, especially in my home town, so there are always lots of animals who need help. Animals are way better than people! You just let me know if you need a cat. We have every color, every kind, every age!

          • Suttree

            A couple of years back I was living in Ponchatoula with my girlfriend at the time, and a feral stray decided to have her litter underneath the porch. We wound up with 7 kittens and a momma kitty that ran off. Me and the woman broke up soon afterwards but split the kitties in half and I wound up with three pure black cats in my new place. They were all named George and I couldn’t tell one from the other. They were a living nightmare and I LOVE cats. I couldn’t find homes for them quick enough. I wound up with another girlfriend and another cat as soon as I gave the last one away. Ruby was adorable and slept on my hip every night. And as I rolled over she would walk with it, never breaking contact with my body. It was hard to put her down 6 years later.

    • Lizzietish81

      As my mom would say “their vote counts just as much as yours”

  • dslindc

    My thoughts are somewhat more concise: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

  • Matt Jones

    Xtianity Today: “We want everything in our magazine to reflect beautiful orthodoxy, and this ad did not”

    “Beautiful”, presumably as opposed to the *realistic* orthodoxy of a man selling off his daughter’s virginity in a newspaper ad.

  • goonemeritus

    Does he mention bilingual because this is one of those jobs that only immigrants will do?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Maybe he’s just tired of putting up with her….

    • edith prickly

      You mean tired of waiting for her to give up her travelling and careering and get married already like a “godly” woman is supposed to?

      • Nounverb911

        He’s looking for grandkids to start a reality show with.

        • SDGeoff

          Or use them to run his farm.

          • Treg.Brown

            “Boys. Bring me teen boys who want to learn from an experienced older man!” – Now gone to Heaven Tarp Man.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          He pitched it to the teevee exec, saying “It will be very touching”

      • Toomush_Infer

        More like tired of “I’m still a virgin, and I have nothing better to do than call you and mom up three times a day and whine about my life”….

        • YourNameHere

          Oh. That explains my roommate. Okay.

  • baconzgood

    I thought this kinda stuff was only done by Jewish mothers.

    • Nounverb911

      Mom is that you?

    • dslindc

      That’s different because Jewish mothers wouldn’t stop at an ad in the paper. In fact, the evaluation process continues well into any actual relationships.

    • SterWonk

      Indian mothers (and fathers, and grandmothers, and aunts, and uncles, and …), also too!!!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    LOL, parents. They just love to embarrass their kids, don’t they?

    But seriously, young(ish) Rachel, run away. Very far away. And as for prospective mates, best be sure the bonds between creepo Daddyman and daughter are very broken before you get too involved, because otherwise you have some seriously weird competition.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Okay, dad, here’s the offer. If you have a younger daughter and she’s hot I’ll take this one off your hands, but it’s gonna cost ya.

    Sincerely,

    Dunald Tromp
    Box 69
    Trump Towers
    The Big Apple

  • Suttree

    Am I a pervert because I google image searched Rachel Stewart? If you like beautiful black women I would advise you to do the same. I doubt that it’s the same person but my imagination can take me to special places.

    • MrBlobfish

      I’m guessing that is the Rachel Stewart of Rachel Stewart Jewelry, not the one being sold by her father.

      • Suttree

        Shhhh. I’m checking my account balance.

    • MrBlobfish

      And, yes, you are a pervert.

      • Captain Kraut

        Was that ever in question?

    • Me not sure

      Yes…will do… and me too.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      You people are disgusting. I’m going back to my favorite site, Nuns in Rubber with Hockey Sticks Up Their Whatevers for some good clean fun.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        If you like that site you’ll love the one involving zucchini. They do grow zucchini in Illinois.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Mmmmm. With butter and garlic and a little Parmesan.

      • therblig

        so, that’s how you solve a problem like Maria

    • Lizzietish81

      Well you’re a perv but for many reasons aside from this

      If she was 14 I’d find that too pervy and break up with you

    • mardam422

      Watch out or some lady is going to kick you in your “special place” if you’re not careful

      • Suttree

        Or we might fap to it together. Risk/reward?

        • mardam422

          I’m in!!

  • Treg.Brown

    She’s 26?
    Amateur.
    Doesn’t that make her a spinster in their world? What happened to 14?

  • And this comes the day after International Women’s Day. Yet another reason why we need an IWD.

    • Nounverb911

      Illinois Women’s Day too, also.

  • Duke

    I’m with the dad. You got this 26yo virgin lazing about the house, eating the good snacks, not bothering with yard work and ya get ideas that only other dads will understand.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Can 26 year old women even get pregnant?

      • Insufficient data. Needs more experiments.

      • Helena Handbag

        Her eggs have to be covered with a fine layer of dust by now.

      • RoyalUglyDude

        Prolly has narrow hips

        • mardam422

          She is “athletic” after all.

      • MrBlobfish

        She spreads her legs and a little lightbulb goes on.

      • proudgrampa

        I think the menopause sets in about then.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Which makes the men pause.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Hear’s the plan. I’ll kneel on all fours behind him and Marco and John can push him over.

  • Helena Handbag

    Religion: still bringing you creepy, icky, and weird attitudes towards sex since it’s original invention by iron-age men.

    • David Roosa

      Bronze age libelz

  • diogenez

    Awkward family dinners at the holidays.

    • mardam422

      Gonna be open season for any male second cousins, I bet.

  • Relativicus

    Of course it’s possible she’s still a virgin, but I’d put money on the idea she’s keeping more than one secret from daddy.

    • Treg.Brown

      I hope so for her sake, including that one-way plane ticket to NYC she keeps hidden in her “unmentionables” drawer.

    • mardam422

      When he says “virgin”, he’s not counting male family members. And yes, I know I said members.

  • Lizzietish81

    Oh no, I’m having personal ad flashbacks

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I saw one where the woman specified annual salary requirements and had to see the most current W-2 at the beginning of the first date.

  • thirdeblue

    I find you can get really good deals on cherries at the grocery store if you wait to snatch them up right before the sell-by date.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “Virgin.” Uh-huh. Wait till he finds out her (female) room mate is much more of a “mate” than he’s been told.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Thanksgiving will be awkward.

    • Helena Handbag

      with all those “stuff the bird” jokes

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Stop it! Just stop it!

      • Meccalopolis

        I hope she carves

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Take my daughter. Please!

    Ba-dum!

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Oops, sorry. Stole this one up above. Should’ve known someone got to it first!

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Hell, I never even look anymore. Ever since they stopped measuring out p-nesses I stopped caring.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Oh, the calls he’s got to be getting, now that his phone number is out on the internet!

    • Treg.Brown

      I’m on it…

      • Jonny On Maui

        Get the best price you can…

  • Me not sure

    Probably just as well that he didn’t mention her third nostril.

  • Finally, a mature woman who won’t have any point of reference for my “performance”!

    • Helena Handbag

      Bingo

  • Alexander Stallwitz

    I wonder how heads of cattle and farm animals they want for her dowry.

  • Markuserektus

    What’s with the rust belt lately? Should we start sending drums of WD-40?

  • Hammiepants

    Good lord, she should get a restraining order.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      She should get a switchblade. Jesus Christ, run, Rachel, run!!

  • proudgrampa

    That is so fucked up.

  • Pickwicknext

    It’s these kinds of things that make me super happy that I haven’t talked to my dad in 10 years

    • Lizzietish81

      I haven’t either, but I will say my dad never tried to sell me.

      • Pickwicknext

        To the best of your knowledge.

        Yes, i am terrible

        • Lizzietish81

          Recently my Aunt suggested that he may have been leading a double life.

          I said I would be deeply impressed.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I had an uncle who led a double life. Two wives showed up to his funeral, and possibly a girlfriend. It’s been a while, so the details are fuzzy.

      • That is because your value is beyond price.

      • Me not sure

        “Im’a bettin’ that you’d fetch a perty penny young lady ( wipes nose on sleeve ).”

      • wavicles

        That you know of.

  • chicken thief

    If she’s so damn hot why doesn’t he just move to Kentucky and marry her his own self?

    • I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in Kentucky. West Virginia, on the other hand…

  • Lizzietish81

    Say, you know who else thought of women as property?

    • Nounverb911

      Donald?

    • Belasaurius

      nearly every man that ever lived

      • SterWonk

        #NotAllMen !!!

    • Pickwicknext

      Henry VIII? All men in history?

      • Jonny On Maui

        Hey wait a minute. Not all of us guys…

      • NanBullenshede

        Harry thought of Women as Breeding Stock. If Women wert mere property, he might have sold the Barren ones or perhaps have Eaten them. But it was the Church that determined whether the Offspring were kosher, so he had to make himself Pope of England, declare one Marriage or Another Null and Void, and have the Non-Wife executed for the High Cryme of having borne him a live Femayle or a dead Mayle.

    • Jonny On Maui

      every fundie since time?

      • Me not sure

        So, Duggar then.

        • Jonny On Maui

          absolutely…

    • Treg.Brown

      Binder makers?

    • Brigham Young and Joseph Smith?

      • Playonwords

        Jo Smith wanted to fuck around so he formed his religion

        Brigham Young just thought of women as cattle

    • Helena Handbag

      Harcourt Fenton Mudd?

    • Me not sure

      That “Twelve Years A Slave” Epps guy?

    • Steven M. Harries

      Harry Helmsley?

    • jodyleek

      Jackie Treehorn?

    • calliecallie

      The founding fathers?

    • Meccalopolis

      john lennon?

    • God Zilla

      The writin’ folks who writ teh bybull. And all them other religious fun books.

  • LarkintheAM

    What is Wheaton “College” doing in Chicago? Did its founders get lost on the way to Texas or Alabama and decide to park it in The Big City because they ran out of gas?

    • Belasaurius

      the college was founded by abolitionists in 1860.

      • LarkintheAM

        1860 is where their values are stuck, for sure.

    • Wheaton’s about 30 miles away. As any good urban dweller will tell you, that IS like TX.

  • mardam422

    She’s bilingual, eh? So shouldn’t the ad be for women too?

  • TheGrandWaz00
  • SuspectedDemocrat

    The pressure doesn’t stop there, either. As soon as she’s married he’s putting up a second want-ad, “Opening for grandchild: apply within.”

  • Lizzietish81
  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Call this guy, dad. Who’ll start the bidding?

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JzbMAFHZY0s

    • Markuserektus

      He’s a cunning linguist…

  • Randy Riddle

    But would he trade her for some nice goats?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      How nice? And what gender?

  • I think Sarah Palin was going to try this with Bristol. Well except for the virgin part.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      And the bilingual part. And careered. Educated, traveled… They charge by the word, right? This is going to save a fortune!

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Can read some and cypher a bit. Quite a catch for an Alaskan boy with a dream in heart and no condom in his wallet.

        • Historicat

          “Proven breeder”

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Are we assuming she’s athletic?

  • YourNameHere

    Lady, please tell your dad to go get his own husband if he wants one so badly.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Nobody wants to pop that cherry. Nobody.

    • Invidosa

      Thanks Supreme Court!

  • DerrickWildcat
  • Helena Handbag

    And where is Mom in all this? Oh, yeah she just needs to keep her pretty little mouth shut, her feet bare, her legs open, and keep those sammiches coming!

    • Those must be some pretty amazing sammiches!

    • Bemused

      Counter-height may be a problem if one is making sandwiches with one’s legs open.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Dad dudes:

    Stop making an issue over a wee bit of tissue, you fucking creeps.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Imagine my surprise (at this late stage of life) to learn that the hymen is not a membrane that covers the vagina that must be punctured during first intercourse. If it was, how would the blood be expelled from the body during menstruation prior to having sex?

  • baconzgood

    Is it in 12pt font?

  • chicken thief

    Clearly the old coot hasn’t read the eBay selling tips: include 12 photos from various angles, give a complete description, and start the bidding with a low price.

    • Spotts1701

      10/10 would buy again.

  • Msmlg1979

    I am still intent on forming my posse. My posse will travel the country, and eventually the world. We will publicly humiliate those who try to control, own, and injure women’s bodies and minds. There will be a feminine hygiene product catapult, much pointing and laughing, and relentlessness involved. This “man” is on my list.

    • Spotts1701

      Bill Engvall had a good idea about how to deal with stupid people – take the thin end of a fishing rod (“You know, the real flexible part.”), and when someone says or does something stupid you smack them on the back of the neck with it.

      • Msmlg1979

        That is just pain. I want mental anguish.

        • LarkintheAM

          I like the way you think. Can I subscribe to your newsletter?

          • Msmlg1979

            Yes, and please send tampons!

          • Whale Chowder

            I know where you can find a bunch of dildos.

          • Msmlg1979

            I’m not averse to catapulting dildos!

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      She got a list.
      They never would be missed.

      https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1NLV24qTnlg

    • YoBunnyBunny

      I wanna be in your posse!!!! Is it to soon to name it The Pussy Posse?

      • Msmlg1979

        And when we’re done, pussy will no longer be synonymous with weakling!!

        • YoBunnyBunny

          PUSSY IS POWER, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

        • Invidosa

          It shouldn’t be in the first place! we can push babies out of those fuckers! (pun entirely non-accidental)

          • Msmlg1979

            Exactly!!

          • Invidosa

            my theory is that misogynists find pussy so utterly mysterious and terrifying due to pussy’s magical fucking properties that they have to choice but to hate and fear it. Kind of like cavemen trying to figure out the sun.

          • Msmlg1979

            I think you’re right. They’re so threatened by us!

      • God Zilla

        The Pussypower Posse.

    • Pickwicknext

      Hey, where’s the sign up list? I’m more enthused for this than the time I signed the petition the change Stockwell Day’s name to Doris.

      • Msmlg1979

        Come one, and come all! I have lots of ideas!

        • MarkM

          I would like to apply for the position of official sammich maker on your tour. I promise to always have plenty of your favourite cheese on hand…

          • Msmlg1979

            Oh, baby! A man who keeps me in cheese?! Double swoon! If you can get things down from shelves for me, I will triple swoon.

          • MarkM

            Whatever you wish princess…

          • Msmlg1979

            I like you!

      • Thaumaturgist

        I remember that myself. The follow up is that Stockwell changed his name to Rafael Cruz instead of Doris and left for the US to start a new life. True story.

    • malsperanza

      Decorating with Tampons is my next coffee-table book.

      http://www.tamponcrafts.com/images/lights_05.jpg

    • Lizzietish81

      There’s already a gang in India like that (minus the tampon catapult)

      http://www.gulabigangofficial.in/

  • chascates

    And the dad believes the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost will be observing the deflowering.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Everyone in heaven gets to watch. What do you think they do up there all day?

      • So you are only allowed to watch porn after you die?

        • Angela Ruzzo

          A Christian guy deflowering a Christian virgin would not make good porn. It would be over in about 3 minutes.

          • marxalot

            Ever the optimist!

          • wavicles

            That’s OK, I can finish if I focus.

          • Naytch

            Well I always wondered why they call it foreplay when I’m done in two…

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Ah, foreplay. . . I think it’s a myth.

          • Naytch

            I like a mix of fast and slow… I try to avoid hallway sex at all costs! Happy wife, happy life; happy spouse, happy house!

          • Angela Ruzzo

            I am glad for you and your wife. When I was growing up my mother – a strict Italian Catholic – told me that “Men only want one thing.” I discovered in college that she was wrong in her original meaning, which was something of a disappointment. However, later on in my 20’s it occurred to me that, as far as orgasms go, she was right, men are seemingly unperturbed if only one partner has one, as long as it is them. However, my direct personal experience has been limited to a small and unscientific sample, so I should not generalize.

          • Invidosa

            *rimshot*

          • Invidosa

            Well, only if they can figure out where all the bits go in the first place.

          • Angela Ruzzo

            My grandmother was 14 when she got married, and she knew nothing. She told my mother years later that she thought my grandfather was trying to kill her on her wedding night. I shudder when I think about how often that must happen to young girls around the world.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Now I suspect ‘playing the harp’ obviously must be some kind of euphemism.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Apparently they’re all supposed to gaze in wonderment at how great god is, because god is really really insecure.

        • gedjcj

          “Can we trade places for a bit?”

      • Bemused

        Watch football?

        (this is not how I would want to spend my eternity, but given the number of prayers for victory by football teams, the consensus seems to be that heaven must be really interested in football and various music awards)

    • Helena Handbag

      A celestial surveillance state

      • Anarchy Pony

        Kinky.

      • chimichanga

        Eye in the Sky. Helena – you’re so genius. I love your posts!

        • Helena Handbag

          Alan Parsons is that you?

    • YayConspiracy

      He might just take a peek himself and if his son-in-law doesn’t do her right, he’ll just show him how it is done.

  • clubseal

    “You: unworthy, though becoming less so daily.”
    Double-you tee eff.

    • LarkintheAM

      Yeah, that’s going to bring ’em in, because everyone loves being made to feel inferior to their in-laws.

      • clubseal

        It’s also unclear by which mechanism these future husbands are becoming less unworthy. Unless it’s the horrifying thought that this douche thinks his daughter is becoming worthless as she ages.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Thanks Religious Weirdo! You just affirmed that little voice in my head that constantly tells me FAPPING SHALL LEAD TO SUCCESS

      • clubseal

        It’ll certainly lead to completion.

  • glasspusher

    “Single celled animal seeks same for mitosis, meiosis, more. Please respond quickly, as my life span is three days”

    • Gayer Than Thou

      “Lonely mayfly seeks same for reproduction. Please reply before sunset today.”

  • Dudleydidwrong

    “A virgin? Really? Cool! One down, 71 to go!” (oops, wrong religion, maybe….)

    • Helena Handbag

      Sorry but it’s raisins. 72 raisins. translation error.

  • baconzgood

    • Invidosa

      i may love you for that! perhaps the best MST3K of all time!

  • chicken thief

    And yet Trump gets shit for hawking wine, steaks, and water…..

  • Lizzietish81
  • marxalot

    With those “qualifications,” if she’s even remotely normal and interested, I’m guessing she’s a virgin as far as daddy needs to know.
    Or maybe gay.

    • Historicat

      Hello – it says “athletic”. What does she need to do – get season tickets to WNBA games?

  • chimichanga

    I’m sorry but this is gross (haven’t used that word in 40 years). This feels incestuous. I taught my daughters to properly curse, fight and play sports. Wifey handled the eeww, girl stuff. (This made my youngest a competitive weightlifter and prom queen)
    We both taught relationships and friendship so they could make their own decisions. They’re nice and I like them, fun to hang with and I will stick fingers in my ears on their personal life (unless they ask me) and say “nanannanana” because it’s none of my damn business. What a (vomit) knucklehead.
    (oh and a mid-20s dude virgin?) might have a Ken doll’s junk

    • YoBunnyBunny

      If Pappy is going to go out of his way to post an ad, I don’t think he could have found a creepier way to do it. As a woman-person, I could just see the sleezy dickweasel creeps who would be fapping to this. What in the everloving fuck is wrong with him???? Everything about that ad just screams: “Do you have incest fantasies? Well, do I have deal for you…”,

      That ad was not written to attract NORMAL non-rapey/molesty/incesty dudes. If that daughter feels her dad is doing her a favor… Dear gawd, she has very low expectations. She should be horrified at the shit that will show up.

      • chimichanga

        Awesome reply. Upvote and agree!

      • Cool_North

        There has to be a different mental setup among the fundamentalists where words and concepts have a different meaning. To any of us outside of their cult it sounds and feels pervy and unnatural, but that’s what they’re brought up to believe it’s the eternal order of things, men, fathers own and control the womenfolk stock, the servant class. But nothing wouldn’t be possible without the complicity of the women themselves. Otherwise, what kind of mother or any self-respecting woman would accept and embrace those slimy, absolutely cringeworthy, gut-punching ceremonies that solemnly enshrine the property rights?

        • YoBunnyBunny

          If they would just come out and say, “Yeah, this is the kinky shit we’re in to, and we’re all consenting adults”, I’d be totes cool with it. It’s the 21st century!!! It’s just the dressing it up with all this holier-than-thou, self-righteous kookiness that is just so silly (and exploitative and manipulative and downright regressive to non-conformers).

        • Celtic_Gnome

          In sixth grade at St.Paul’s school, they separated the girls and boys for a talk on reproductive rights, Catholic School Edition. The nun who got the boys told us that no girl would ever do that unless a boy forced her to. Professional virgins would know.

  • Helena Handbag

    Wanted: occupant for aging daughter’s dusty abandoned doll house. Must enjoy daily contact with emotionally stunted adults.

    • Msmlg1979

      I love you.

      • Helena Handbag

        ditto

  • chimichanga

    I smell a new business for Drumpfy.

    • JustPixelz

      Virgin Airline?

      • DahBoner

        Come now….

        What billionaire hasn’t enjoyed kite-surfing with a naked supermodel on his back at least once or twice?

  • Bemused

    How analog. Obv. he should have opened an account for her on that Christian mingle site that seems to do way too much advertising.

    • Last Hussar

      Like on page I visit. It seems their context sensitive cookies think everytime I write a piece about being a humanist/atheist, I’m after some hot Jesus loving pussy. They are 3/4 right.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I should open an account and promise to rescue women from all the goddamn Jeebusing. Might get some interesting results.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    “For the love of God, would you hurry and take the photo?
    I can feel something unholy going on back there!”

    • chimichanga

      Daddy – is that a cross in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

      • therblig

        it’s just a calvary hill…praise the resurrection!

    • Enfant Terrible

      Daddy – that’s *not* what they meant when they talked about pitching a tent in the desert.

    • Sir Ergot of Rye

      From now on daddy to be known as “lefty”.

    • Cool_North

      The perfect emetic.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      You can almost make out Ghost Jesus there on the cross, trying his hardest to facepalm, which is impossible when you’ve been crucified.

    • YayConspiracy

      Is the cross for her?

    • Jenny

      She looks miserable and embarrassed and wtf dad definitely has a boner. GROSS

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Who chose the black lace and spaghetti straps? How does creepy dad expect her virtue to shine forth through SO MUCH VIRGIN FLESH with a little teeny bit of CLEAVAGE peeking out??

      • H0mer0

        IK, R? He seems to have his hands in “doggie-style” position.

        • Jenny

          Exactly! He couldn’t have put his hands on her shoulders or side hugged like a common Duggar? UGH!!

    • Invidosa

      ARRRRRGH!!! BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!!!!! I NEED AN ADULT!

  • dshwa

    “State Of The Pussy Address”

    I heart you Evan.

  • dshwa

    Also: 26 Hot, and a Virgin?

    Sure buddy, that’s what she tells you.

  • Metadude

    Is this a Duggar?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    He means “careered” as in “Life in her 20s careered wildly out of control, thanks to completely pent up sexual tension, a childhood full of misinformation about human relationships, and some seriously supercharged daddy issues.”

  • chimichanga

    There HAS to be a farmer’s daughter joke in there somewhere…

    • Last Hussar

      She was only a farmers daughter, but her furrow was well ploughed and full of seed.

      She was only an Admiral’s daughter, but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.

      • therblig

        she was only the stableman’s daughter, but all the horsemen knew her

    • H0mer0

      does it involve plucking a hair from the farmer’s ass? Oh, no, that was his wife.

  • Bitter Scribe

    …home of the creepy-ass evangelical Wheaton College, which is so wingnutty it just quit-fired a professor for being nice to Muslims.

    I hate to tell you this, but Wheaton is considered one of the more enlightened, sophisticated Christian colleges.

    • Smokahontas

      Although that bar is low enough to be considered subterranean.

    • Invidosa

      ugh, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little there.

  • JustPixelz

    Her: 26 year old virgin”

    Perhaps. Christians believe Mary was a virgin who was impregnated by God. There is another “scientific” explanation for her pregnancy but they consistently cite the 3% of theologists who have doubts.

    Also, 26 years old. Possibly the daughter is actually 27 years old, conceived before the pastor’s marriage. OOPS!

    • chimichanga

      Of course it was a virgin birth. God is Aryan, and the Holy Spirit is a SoCal surfer, hence Jesus’ blue eyes and light hair. You’ve seen the photos.
      Man, I just cant stop posting on this. Evan, you hit the a mother lode of snarkability..

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        It what he do!

    • btwbfdimho

      Mary was a 13-years-old virgin. By our standards, God is a child raper.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        There was one, but the Pharisees contrived to shut it down.

  • Shibusa

    Mr. Stewart is a very holy man.

  • calliecallie

    Rachel, use the word “salad” on your next blog post if you’re being held against your will.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    ” . . .you know how it is with young women these days. Take my daughter – No, PLEASE, take her.”

  • Sir Ergot of Rye

    I give the father credit because in Leviticus 3:17 it states, ‘and if
    thy daughter reaches the age of attrition without lawfull seed in her
    loins sowed by her husband, may it please the lord that her father shall
    take her into the grass and penetrate her sweet nubile sex-receptacle
    with his own seed because you knoweth be fruitful and multiply and LOL,
    so saith the lord thy god’.

  • Shibusa

    All Daddy needs now is a willing groom and a “Just Married” sign:

    • btwbfdimho

      A Cruz fan?

    • btwbfdimho

      Why people need to show off their favorite instruments of torture? Crosses….OMg. Here in Texas I don’t see enough electric chairs hanging from windshield mirrors.
      As Louis C K would say:
      F U C K YOU

    • Cool_North

      If this is for real and not staged, that guy should not be allowed to drive on account of mental incompetence.

      • Invidosa

        Yeah, and he should get a ticket for failing to put a brightly colored flag on the end of that fucker!

    • Invidosa

      when ever i see fuckwads like this driving around two things occur to me; first, does this ever actually work on anyone? I mean, are there people driving around who see these cars and say “YES!! HOLY FUCK WEASELS! I NEED THE JESUS UP INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW!” and wouldnt that cause shit tons of accidents?

      Second; it makes me want to get a big fucking sharpie and write “Ishtar loves EVERYONE” on the rear of my PT Cruiser with a big ol’ naked drawing of said goddess right next to it.

      • Tansy Geek

        There is a bumper sticker for this very situation: Jesus Loves You. But everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

      • Now, now. Such a image conveys an important message about Xtianinty, whic is: “We worship the ‘AMC Pacer’ of gods!”

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just noticed the bigass cross sticking out of the passenger window, and wondered if it was destined for somebody’s lawn later that night.

  • Brewerofbeers

    Anyone offering odds on her not being a virgin and creepy daddy just being clueless?

  • zerosumgame0005

    now why did this leap to mind as i was reading this?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HbaqlcmDCA

  • zerosumgame0005

    oh, and where is Mommy in all this? in the kitchen, barefoot with a jug of wine?

    • …working on her John Kasich campaign stump soeech…

  • theblackdog

    Maybe he did this because he fears his daughter loves tacos.

    • sw19womble

      Flufflepuff libelz!!!!!

    • Invidosa

      or even worse, chocolate!

      • DahBoner

        Dark.

      • theblackdog

        Chocolate tacos!

  • btwbfdimho

    26-years-old, virgin

    Wait, Virgin Mary was impregnated while She was 13 years old; therefore, by Biblical standards, if Daddy’s girl is virgin at 26, then there must be something wrong with her.
    If her daddy were Donald Trump, I’d dare to say he’s selling a lemon.

    • zerosumgame0005

      But DADDY it was an ANGEL, I SWEAR!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Trump would have had all kinds of upgrades installed, to make her classy.

  • Laura911

    Wow.

  • TheBidenator

    For international womens day Donald Trump answered the ad…that’s why it’s gone.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    These people need to get help for their sex obsessions.

    • wavicles

      He ran the add didn’t he? Oh, you mean that in another way.

    • DahBoner

      It’s going to be a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE program, I tell you….

  • TheBidenator

    So THIS is what “Carrie” would have looked like if instead of mom she lived with her dad and the story took place in 2016….I’ve always wondered how that would work.

  • Playonwords

    Someone should have Brissul take this girl under her wing. A few wine coolers and a beat up old model Ford F150 and this young lady could have a virgin birth too.

  • Mavenmaven

    Much of the religious world of all faiths spends much of their time worrying about the “tragedy” of “spinsterhood” for their unwed 25 year old daughters: https://newrepublic.com/article/120918/ultra-orthodox-jews-panicked-over-shidduch-matchmaking-crisis

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Total hypocrisy! They just tell the unwed 27-year old sons to come over and help fix the sink or repair the woodshed.

  • Starfish

    Why didn’t he just ‘Trump’ his daughter himself?

    • Candy Apple

      There’s Biblical precedent for that, even!

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Please don’t bring up Lot.

      • Starfish

        Yes, but then they screw their decendants. Both literally and figuratively .

    • sw19womble

      Let’s just be grateful for small mercies here.

  • jmk

    Ew. Just… ew.

  • Mimihaha

    This is just so….ew.

  • thewitchqueen74

    I gotta go take another shower, ugh ugh ugh

  • Candy Apple

    Whereupon the Venn diagram of fundamentalist Islam and Fundamentalist Christianity overlap yet again.

    • Invidosa

      and yet the fuckers hate each other! Its like some lame 70’s sitcom.

  • Jonny On Maui

    A Question;

    Should the Wonkette Non-Commentariat manage to scrap together whatever pennies, bagels and goats are left after donating, and happened to purchase a ‘daughter of the blessed’, who would we put in charge of their re-education?

    Remember to show your work…

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Xaviera Hollander? She could turn all those letters into a textbook.

      (I know, they’re all bullshit, except this one time when I was at a Major Midwestern University…)

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      I think Kaili should oversee her apprenticeship in snark and feminism, Evan can train her in wit and sass, Dok can give her many lessons in critical thinking, and ‘Trix can mentor her on continuing the course of independence and self-reliance she’s clearly already been travelling.
      How’s that?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I can offer some extra-curricular material.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          I like the sound of that.

          Should she be interested, I’d happily offer lessons in orienteering and starting a fire with a flint and steel.

      • Jonny On Maui

        That’s very good but they all are already educating us and that’s a time and a half job.

        I was thinking more along the lines of our non-commentors. Right off the top of my head I’m thinking Callyson, Helena Handbag, Pickwicknext, Vegan and Tiara, there’s so many more…

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Great choices!

    • Invidosa

      Me! Obviously! . . . but maybe not, I’m not entirely sure my teaching techniques would be suitable for this particular situation.

      • Jonny On Maui

        You’ve got to remember that we’ll have a young lady who most likely has never stepped outside her home and church seeing the real world for the first time.

        Put yourself in her shoes. How would you want that experience to go?

        From the way you’ve described yourself, I’d imagine her first feelings upon meeting you would be excitement with a dash of fear.

        And I’m pretty sure you’d dispell the fear quickly…

        • Invidosa

          *sigh* yeah, that sorta is my M.O. I been told that I can be both wondrous and terrifying, frequently simultaneously. I’m a bit of a force if I do say so myself! Better to find someone round these parts with a more delicate touch.

          For the record though, some people just never can get past the fear part. . . I’m OK with that too.

        • DahBoner

          Not true. The ad says she is a “traveller”…

          That probably means she went on a church missionary trip to some poor, Central American country to hand out Bibles to starving people and tell them how much she loves Jesus…

          • Jonny On Maui

            Oh I think it’s too late to purchase this young lady. I have tho, on other sites, offered to purchace the children of guys who think they own their families.

            I make a fair offer, had no takers, can’t understand why…

          • DahBoner

            I think they were just worried you would not enslave their daughters *forever*, as the Bible instructs you to do…
            http://biblehub.com/exodus/21-7.htm

            Can you imagine the shame on having to accept “damaged goods” back into their house? HORRIBLE.

  • undercover epicurean

    It is science fact that only pervy weirdos and closeted conservagheys view marrying virgin ladies as a life goal.

    • chazmanr

      They are in Wheaton, IL. Evangelical nightmare of a town. Wheaton College (evangelical) just fired a tenured professor for having the temerity to say that Christians, Jews and Muslims all worship the same skydaddy (which they do).

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        I miss the Wheaton that gave us John Belushi.
        More Blues Brothers, less Bible Thumpers!

      • undercover epicurean

        Oh I’ve been there, 100% as awful as you would imagine.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    The father was surprised when named as the defendant in a class action alleging fraud.

  • Invidosa

    sweet bullshit santa-christ. Will this never end? Every fucking day I wake in a hopeful mood, thinking “today! today might just be the day my faith is restored in humanity!” (the fact that the rebulicans in my personal michgan county actually chose Kasich over the uber-fascist helped a little).

    and then. . . this shit. Fuck you religious conservatives, fuck you right up your decidedly non-virgin poo hole.

    as an aside, why don’t we see ads for virgin boys? Oh, yeah, thats cause there are none.

    • Swampgas_Man

      *Waves hand in the air impudently*

      • Invidosa

        exception duly noted! ;)

        • Jonny On Maui

          Make him prove it…

          • Invidosa

            prove that hes a democrat living in Missouri? *innocent blinking*

    • H0mer0

      why would we want that? I like my slutty boyfriend who knows what he’s doing.

    • 451 Byrnes

      The Catholic Preists are tasked with that chore…

  • Ducksworthy

    Eww.

  • sw19womble

    *opens door, starts reading article, stops, slowly backs out*

  • whitroth

    Why is it that those fathers who “marry” their daughters at “Purity Balls” aren’t in jail as pedophiles and sex offenders?

    Besides, if he wants to make an arranged marriage for a daughter, he needs to move to somewhere like Pakistan or Iran, where it might be legal.

    mark

    • Cool_North

      With the new and ever improved religious liberties laws the faithful bigots push into existence, just wait until all these abominations become precedents.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Don’t worry, Ted Cruz wants to be the Ayatollah of the United States.

  • NorthernSaber

    Horatio. Hornblowing. Christ. All other issues aside (and this bunch has more issues than “Readers Digest”) just consider, fellow Wonkers, the following: these fucking lunatics get to vote. Any further question why the Repugs are running a neo-facist white nationalist against a (Canadian) Christian Dominionist?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Any wonder why every day I am not sure if I would prefer the facist or the dominionist?
      I mean, sure, we might go to war with everyone and be storm trooped out of existence and all by the first, but at least we won’t go full handmaiden’s tale like with the second.
      Imma just vote Dem and skip the both of em.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Huh. I think you may have hit on the solution there… be sure to tell your neighbors.

  • MrCanoehead

    Family values.

  • YayConspiracy

    Oh, these fathers and their purity balls.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I read “purty balls” and was all like, WTF??

      • H0mer0

        contradiction in terms

  • Oh calm down Wonkette. It was in the “jobs” section simply because it was “Pimp my daughter to work” day. There see, totally morally-uplifting Xtian explanation.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      I thought it was because he was offering her sandwich-making talents.

      • Mintie

        I thought it was because this kind of Christianity thinks the only job a woman should have is as a baby factory?

  • kaydenpat

    I wonder how the daughter feels about all of this. How embarrassing for her (and him).

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Let alone that she only learned about through commentators on her blog.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    That was one of the biggest issues that drove me away from Christianity: This weird matchmaking procreation fetish. They just can’t let their daughters be their own people, and discover their own passions and drives; no, as soon as the kids are of legal age, get ’em hitched and start reaping the grandbabies. There’s no time for personal or professional development, nope, gotta pump out the young’uns and indoctrinate ’em good!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      That’s what drove you from Christianity? I would have thought the whole “if Jesus loves you he’ll make you rich” thing would have been the nail in the coffin, or even the whole “fuck the poors, they’re unworthy” business would have done it, or the “ewww…queers are gross, and so are muslims.”

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        It was a constellation of issues. That was one, the absurdity of the Christian sub-culture was another, hypocrisy was a major one, political Christianity was a huge push-factor, realizing how pointless the creationist argument is was massive. Finally, the fact that my faith just… Died.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          If Jeebus had made you rich, you might have bought into it.
          It’s his fault.

        • LadyLaz

          When I was nine, a friend of my mom, a holy roller, refused to believe in evolution, even when I showed her my prized possession. It was a zoo book that showed the anatomy of great apes and man side by side.

          That ended it for me. I’ve made efforts and attended church and mouthed words of dieism, but in my darkest of hearts, I see her face. Blinded.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Creationism is just so pointless, too. Even if you accept the notion that the story of creation from Genesis was an allegory intended to help a bunch of nomadic sheep-herders comprehend something bigger and symbolic, it doesn’t erode the whole groundwork of a faith.

            Arguing against evolution is just a waste of resources.

          • 451 Byrnes

            I really detest people who refuse to science. Especially biology. So, most “conservatives” then…

          • Invidosa

            But for some sad reason, for a lot of them it does erode the groundwork. I think its because if you start looking at one thing, and you acknowledge that it makes no sense it only becomes easier and easier to see what makes no fucking sense. I know many a liberal Christian who does not suffer that particular cognitive dissonance, mostly because they have brains and an understanding of the history of the bible. But for the truly conservative xians, I think they just cant afford to allow the slightest shred of doubt in because then they would be obligated to put actual thought behind their actions instead of blindly following orders. They really really really want the world to be black and white, instead of of the glorious colors and shades of gray that we actually have.

            It would be really fucking sad if they weren’t also trying to take away the rights of the rest of us.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            I love what you’ve written here, it’s brilliant.

        • Jonny On Maui

          For me the start of the break was over original sin. I could not wrap my head around the concept that I came into the world in sin because of something that happened eons ago with someone else. So the whole basis that I needed saving from the start was something I never accepted.

          I don’t think my faith died, I just invested it in things that gave a better return…

          • Invidosa

            Prime choice, for me it was three fold. First, I just couldn’t understand how Christianity could hate on other religions. I mean, the idea of knowing without a shadow of a doubt that you have a line on the ONE AND ONLY TRUTH seemed ridiculous to me, and no one in the church could give any sort of explanation.

            Second, I had a friend who was very very very catholic and also gay. He got outed at his church. It devastated him. He is no longer alive.

            After that, I went straight to Paganism, I didn’t even drive by Wicca on the way.

          • DahBoner

            As far as I can tell, Jesus only really hated three groups of people…

            Bankers, hypocrites and gentiles…
            https://zingcreed.wordpress.com/2014/10/29/jesus-hates-me-this-i-know-for-the-bible-tells-me-so/

      • Lizzietish81

        Well the church I was in didn’t pull shit like that. For me and my siblings it was a gradual pull away. We just stopped going. In college my sister found Wicca (she already had but found a good mentor) which I was fascinated with and dabbled in.

        Now I’m more of a militant agnostic. My brother was never particularly religious either.

        Really we just didn’t believe in it.

        But the church we went to taught love and acceptance, social justice. We almost never talked about sin or even the Crucifixion, the important thing was to emulate Jesus’ life by being a good person.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          Love and acceptance? Baptist Jesus would never approve of that!

          Also, I am snubbing you because you have stolen my internet boyfriend from me. The fact that I’m a middle aged lesbian does not lessen my feelings for my former internet boyfriend. Sniffle.
          //sobs into pillow

          • Lambsendbeds

            Which internet boyfriend would that be?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            My former internet boyfriend, Suttree. He’s dead to me now. Pfft…

          • Lizzietish81

            Dammit, I KNEW this would end with a dead rabbit

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I’m boiling the water as we speak. Hope you’re not too fond of that rabbit!
            Actually, I’m really just making stew, and I’ll even give you some. I guess my internet feud with you is officially over. I was looking forward to some high drama, and all I’ve got is this lousy rabbit stew.

          • Lizzietish81

            We had a feud?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            You stole my internet boyfriend, you heartless wench! The fact that I’m a middle aged lesbian did not make my virtual love for Suttree any less real.
            //feud officially restarted!

          • Lizzietish81

            I haven’t worn a wench costume in years!

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I would upfist you, but official, internet feud rules prohibit that.

          • Lizzietish81

            That’s ok, Suttree can upfist me for you

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Lol, you’re making it VERY difficult for me to feud with you!!!!!

          • Suttree

            Upfist granted!

          • Suttree

            Would you please start again?

          • Lizzietish81

            I have a waist coat, the problem is finding a shirt to go with it. And no it’s not sexy without one.

          • Suttree

            We need to go shopping, apparently. Sorry, I just like the word apparently and tend to throw it in wherever I can.

          • Lizzietish81

            I occasionally check the web for good corset/waist coat shirts. No dice.

          • Suttree

            Oh well, I guess we can always go old fashioned and just get naked. ;)

          • Suttree

            I should stop spending money on books for you and start spending money on sexy outfits. ;)

          • Suttree

            My apologies for taking so long to get back to you,my Mootopian Queen! But Lizzie won’t allow me to look nor snark on Wonkette while I’m spending the weekend with her. There is a terrible jealous streak in her! She is a cruel tyrant! I only smoke 1/8 of what I usually do, and drink less then half of what I usually do, and she forces me to drink tea and eat food from the healthy section of the supermarket. It’s horrible!!111!!!! You can still be my virtual girlfriend Monday through Friday!

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Wow, she is a tyrant!
            I will still be your virtual girlfriend. She can’t quench our internet love.

          • Suttree

            Rabbit is delicious if cooked properly. ;)

          • Suttree

            I can still love you!!!!!!

    • Mintie

      Well, yes, they’re female, which means they’re completely incapable of making their own decisions and unable to be trusted to take responsibility for themselves. That’s why there are all those parts in the Old Testament about how women are basically property, because God says so, even if none of the books specifically say “God told me to tell you women should be owned” and might kinda possibly be due to culture.

    • 451 Byrnes

      For me it was always the guy with the nails in his hands…Seemed unnecessarily cruel.

      • DahBoner

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Dear Daddy: there are probably a few 20 year old virgins kicking around, but there are No More Twenty-six Year Old virgins in America. This is not a thing anymore.

    • Invidosa

      unless its by choice, the lady could be asexual. . . but of course, that would be evil and sinnish cause the lady bits only exist to squirt out little jesus lovers for the jesus.

  • Jenny

    She made it through college and travel to exotic places (like Nebraska probably) without falling on a dick? That’s impressive.

    • Invidosa

      lets be fair here, without (theoretically) falling onto a dick or falling into a vagina, one never knows a lady’s predilections

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Rachel’s 26 and a virgin? I’m guessing we’ve found ourselves a lesbian.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Or a very very bad dater.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Or someone who is REALLY afraid of sex. I have a 56 year old neighbor who I’m 99.9% positive was a virgin when she got married 6 years ago. She may still be a virgin for all I know.

        • LadyLaz

          That is likely my sisters situation. Very sad actually.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Yeah, I spent a lifetime chasing after sex, and I feel like it’s been a worthy pursuit.

    • jviscont1

      All the more reason to start the witch trials should she get no takers.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not necessarily. She may be carrying around more brains and attitude than the local Jeebus-huggers are prepared to handle – and placing that ad in a rag that nobody but other Jeebus-huggers are ever going to see is not going to help.

      Too bad sending her to some satanic hell-hole like Harvard or MIT was out of the question.

    • Iam Reading

      26 and a virgin = 8-10 years wasted. Most people need extensive trainING in fucking and she is Waaaaaay behind

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        A 30-year-old with the enthusiasm of a 17-year-old is actually not a bad combination.

  • Bill_Clement

    I want to know how he knows she’s a virgin.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Because Bible?

      • Swampgas_Man

        Because he has her on video monitors 24 hours a day.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Creepy!

    • The “Fingertip Analysis” test?

    • Lizzietish81

      When she stepped over the broom no baby fell out

    • DahBoner
    • Froggage

      You don’t, really.

  • Iam Reading

    BUT atheists are to be mistrust ed and feared. M,kay

  • Walter Wellstone

    She needs to hang out with Bristol.

  • Shaydee

    Calling all Duggar boys (except that married one, cause he’s married and swore his oath of faithfulness to his pet, Anna, didn’t he?). Isn’t this basically what Jim Bob Lanny Mike Bobby Dale Jimmy Wayne Duggar does? He ‘finds’ his offspring their spouses-to-be, then positions himself (literally) between them and chaperons their side hugs. No difference.

  • Invidosa

    Seriously, why are so many Xians so fucking obsessed with fucking? I mean, I utterly enjoy a delicious and thorough roll in the hay, but I literally could not care less who anyone else is rolling with (with obvious exceptions). They get all up in everyone’s hoo ha! My theory is that they all have horribly unsatisfying sex lives and just want to try and ruin it for the rest of us!

    • Jonny On Maui

      They are taught from day one that their bodies are shameful and pleasure is sinful.

      When you start with crazy…

    • Robyn Ryan

      They are attempting to pretend women aren’t people.

      • Invidosa

        Silly me, I always forget that I am merely a uterus with legs.

  • Matthew Hawkins

    It’s probably like Bristol Palin, she is only “newly” virgin.

    • Shaydee

      The more kids Bristol is ‘blessed’ with, the more virginal she gets. I know? What a miracle!

    • KenRob

      Again, and again, and again….

  • GEMoore

    This is just consistent with evangelical, dominionist wingnuttery. Things like this make it clear that this is not about morality, but prurient paternalism. They don’t just want to be Daddy. They want to be Creepy Daddy. Excuse me while I just go ahead and stick my finger down my throat.

    • Robyn Ryan

      In monotheist dogma, women are just sperm lockers. Men do all the ‘creating’ with their sacred god chosen sperm.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Uh, so assuming this isn’t a gag, why isn’t she placing the ad?

  • OldMayfly

    How Wheaton has fallen–or maybe–how Wheaton has been taken-over. Once this was a great liberal college. Now it is a sad joke. I second everything GEMoore posts below.

  • 451 Byrnes

    You know what’s nice? Curling up in a little ball on your kitchen linoleum with a kitten…
    http://media.xoxoerin.com/images/watson_kitty3.jpg

    • sw19womble

      Squee!!!!

  • Blender_415

    Heh heh heh… “Purity Balls.”

  • David Martindale

    Doesn’t she have a brother or first cousin to de flower her

  • pragmatist3

    How can I tell if she’s godly if there aren’t any pictures ?

    • sw19womble

      It’s her long flowing white beard.

  • gingerland62

    Run, woman run! As fast and as far away as you can. Please for the love of God, run!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I like how we’re assuming Daddy knows for sure that his daughter is still a virgin. There comes a time in every young woman’s life when there are certain aspects of her life that she doesn’t share with the old man.

    • Frank Underboob

      Even if her hymen is intact, I’m betting that she isn’t a virgin anywhere else.

      • Invidosa

        Ear sex, its the latest craze among the technically-still-a-virgin set.

        • DahBoner

          Poophole loophole. Ask any lawyer…
          https://media2.giphy.com/media/8yCgkZguWD8be/200w.gif
          Call today for a free consultation

        • Jonny On Maui

          “I’ll just whisper, i promise…”

          • Invidosa

            “just don’t put it all the way in, cause that would be a sin and god would make me deaf!”

    • DahBoner

      “Hi, men!”

  • SadDemInTex

    Ewwww….must wash brain now.

    • Grokenstein

      Ha ha! My skin’s crawling like a carpet made of live millipedes. It’s 21st Century ‘Murika, how are people even like this anymore?

      • Robyn Ryan

        States sabotaged public education.

  • WagMoreBarkLess

    “You: Unworthy, but becoming less so daily.” Well, there’s setting the bar really high for your precious daughter.

    • Invidosa

      Yeah, I thought that was weird as hell too. Like the poor thing has an expiration date her vag is rapidly approaching, you know, like the discount shelf at the grocery.

      • John Smith

        Manager’s special!

        • Historicat

          Reduced for quick sale!

        • Invidosa

          *shudder* better then “for sale by original owner”!

  • Rasilom

    I think we just found the next winner in the “Send him lots and lots of sexy dildos sweelstakes”. make sure to including a note telling him how his wife should strap it on and were to put it after she is locked and loaded. I mean it would be irresponcible not to speulate about what this turd weasles secret closet of horrors hides. Also too he might just like getting pegged……

    • Invidosa

      SOWISA motherfuckers! Strap On Whenever It Seems Appropriate!

      Which means to say, I think we should just bypass his pitiful ass and send the gift straight to the lady of the house. . . bet she wont bypass it though.

  • shastakoala

    He must be the same guy that placed the “Parachute for sale, never opened, slightly stained” advert.

  • DahBoner

    We’re soooooooo not worthy of breaking open your Diddly Daughter cunt’s shrink wrap….
    https://media3.giphy.com/media/iiS84hOJXh1Pq/200w.gif

  • Frank Underboob

    Garfunkel and Oates have her back:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfRtkCGE40A

  • Bill Slider

    This ad is a natural for Craigslist. Oh sure, you could use EBay or any of those other billboards, but you need the right audience if you want someone to pay you market value.

  • Raysa_Lite

    Yep. Makes perfect sense. It’s a man protecting the object that is his property.

    Jebus says that vagina is his. And, it still has the new car smell. No one wants a vagina that’s been used up, amirite, fellas?

    Her body is not her own, she is owned by one man until she can be sold to another one, and she has to be in perfect condition in order to attract a quality buyer. Nothing wrong with that, at all.

  • danteardenz

    Why do they care if ” the End Times ” are here ?

  • David Martindale

    Ok I’ll pop it

  • Gaylord Perry

    Another idiot Christian? Say it ain’t so.

  • hollydturner

    the fuck?

  • Angry and Short

    Fun Fact: My older brother took a job in Wheaton in 1981. He was fond of jogging as it was called back then. One evening while out for a run, he was accosted by the local fuzz and detained for over an hour while they eyed him with the suspicion that goes along with being guilty of running for no reason and looking Jewishy. This is when I first heard about the bizarritude oif Wheaton College.

  • D_C_Wilson

    I’m surprised he didn’t post a photo of her vag on EBay.

  • D_C_Wilson

    26 is old maid territory in right wing Christian world. She should have squeezed out half a dozen babies for Jesus by now.

  • Colin

    Ok, so I don’t know about this one. There is a weird sense of humor in the ad. The daughter seems on board with it, she is apparently smart, funny, educated – if this all is true, why not try something different? At no point is a sale of any kind even implied, but that is the focus of Evan’s attacks on the idea.

    Everybody involved are informed, capable adults. I “advertised” for a bride with a personal ad, stating in a serious but humorous manner what kind of person I was looking for – and met my wonderful wife of fifteen years. We all “shop” for partners, in many direct and indirect ways. This seems legit.

    • John Nace

      Really? It seems legit to you that a man is advertising for a husband for his grown-up daughter? I’ll grant you that it’s less creepy than if he had placed a similar ad advertising her then-approaching 18th birthday, but only insofar as she would have had even less say in the matter.

      Had the daughter composed and placed a personal ad as you did, we really wouldn’t have a leg to stand on, but this is a man treating his adult daughter as a commodity he possesses. Reading her statement of long-suffering because she has to *put up* with his behavior as somehow being equivalent to her being on board with things is a stretch, to say the least. It calls into question your own attitude toward women’s rights of self-determination. Not in a way you’ve likely ever given any thought to, of course, but no one could make the comment you posted here without seriously questionable attitudes toward women’s rights and consent.

      • Colin

        That’s a bold and baseless judgement you have made about me, and you know almost nothing about me. Would you like to get to know me a little more before making broad assumptions? My FB page is Colin Naughtin

        I am merely making the observation that we have very little information. What little info we do have COULD be interpreted to indicate that they are reasonably intelligent people and that perhaps they are approaching the issue with some sense of humor.

        There is a tendency on this site to look down on those of faith with some contempt. I am guilty of this also. I am not traditionally faithful, but I am working on avoiding the assumption that many non-Christians tend to make – that Christians are stupid, bigoted, totalitarianistic, etc. That is nothing but a foolish oversimplification on our part.

        The truth of the matter is that the truth is seldom simple. Seriously – no one in America is selling their daughter in 2016. It’s not happening. Let’s try to be smarter than that.

        • John Nace

          My judgment about you is based on what you’ve written here. It’s little wonder that you find it bold since your standards appear to be so weak. You’re free to do your best to dress them up as the enlightened view, but your prior statements betray a staggering degree of ignorance—or, worse, complacency. Either would ensure your complicity.

          Based on your reply to my comment above, one hopes that you know little to nothing about purity culture in fundamentalist Christianity. Otherwise, you’ve just proven my assessment of your attitudes toward women’s rights and consent to be accurate. Simply because *you* are unaware that within purity culture: 1) A daughter is groomed from earliest childhood to pledge herself to her father until the day he hands her over to a husband whom he has approved; 2) Her value prior to marriage is based on whether or not she has managed to maintain her virginity (generally without regard to whether or not her consent was given in losing it); and, 3) Her value after marriage is based upon whether she bears enough children while keeping her husband from straying by being sexually available, it does not then follow that such is not the case. If you wish to conflate that very specific feature of a variant of Christianity with the whole of Christianity, that’s your choice, but it’s a misrepresentation of the case I and others are making against it.

          The daughter being placed on the block in the ad featured in this post is firmly embedded in purity culture, and her father’s conduct is differentiated from others within purity culture only by its conspicuousness. It’s not particularly brazen in that setting. Until you understand what you’re defending, kindly keep your knee-jerk liberalism in check, and you can choke on your condescension. Perhaps doing so will manage to keep your mouth shut long enough to allow you to learn something.

  • MyLovelyNose

    So weird, I read it as Purty Balls.

    • CarolinaStewPie

      I’m always excited to celebrate my ‘purty balls’.

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