This is an ad that appeared in the august pages of Christianity Today:
It is no longer there, because Christianity Today has taken the bold stand that it’s really gross for daddies to sell their unfucked daughters in the want ads. OR, to be more specific, it’s really gross for daddies to put ads in the “jobs” section of Christianity Today offering to “hire” dudes to fuck their daughters in the marital way.
Here are the things that are wrong with this, along with some of our questions:
- HOLY MOTHER OF OH MY SWEET JESUS WHAT THE FUCK??? If your worldview says it’s somehow A Good Idea to look upon your godly gorgeous daughter and say to yourself, “Hot damn, what a beaut! And she’s intact too! I think I’ll put an ad in the paper and find a Christian peen rod to crowbar that thing open within the bonds of holy matrimony,” then you probably have a bad worldview.
- We learn from The Daily Beast that the as-yet-untouched gentlelady is named Rachel Stewart, and she takes all this in stride, saying in a now deleted blog post, “At least it’s appropriate they placed it in the Employment Opportunities section because putting up with this father-in-law’s shenanigans is a full time job, without any paid vacation.” Haha, glad she has a sense of humor — just like it said in the ad! — but WHY DO YOU STILL TALK TO YOUR PERV FATHER, RACHEL????
- Why did this nasty troll man feel the need to take it upon himself NOW to sell his daughter in exchange for some goats? It is because she is 26? As we all know, conservative Christian hoo-hoo-dirties rot from the inside like termite-infested cottonwood trees if they’re not invaded by matrimonial man-dong by age 30, but is dude really that hopeless that his hot, bilingual, well-educated daughter can’t find that for herself?
- According to Religion News Service, the daddy in question hails from Wheaton, Illinois, home of the creepy-ass evangelical Wheaton College, which is so wingnutty it just quit-fired a professor for being nice to Muslims. Based on that, we’re going to leap over the chasm and guess this is one of those fucked up families where little girls marry their vaginas to Daddy and Jesus at Purity Balls, and then (we are guessing) every year afterward, the girls are required to deliver unto their fathers an annual State Of The Pussy Address, to ensure the family flower is still ready for the right Christian husband to come along and scoop it up like a gently used car. (It IS TOO “gently used” if Daddy and Jesus have had joint title to it for all these years.) Are we correct?
- And if that’s the case and Daddy’s just trying to get rid of his daughter’s soon-to-expire Christian vag, the way he did a couple years back with the old Honda that was due for a costly timing belt repair, why did he put this in the “jobs” section? Shouldn’t it have been in the “Used Cars/Old Daughters” section?
- And if it had been placed in the appropriate section, wouldn’t this have been a better ad?
Gorgeous, athletic little beaut, ready for its next loving owner. Non-smoking, stored in garage away from the elements. Equipped with “EG” (extra-Godly) package, installed aftermarket by original owner. Mileage: NEVER BEEN DRIVEN, though she may have been towed around the block a few times by neighborhood boys who said it “doesn’t count” if the ignition switch isn’t fully engaged. Tight suspension! Rides great (probably!)! $1500 OBO.
Those are all of our thoughts and questions. Now we are having terrible flashbacks to that creepy-ass girl who got her doctor to examine her lady bits for evidence of dicktrails and send a framed copy of her virginity certification to her daddy, and we are very afraid of some of the people who walk among us every day.