Marco Rubio Loses Second Place In Puerto Rico, Will Do Better In Florida

L-O-S-E-R

Exciting news for Marco Rubio! He winned another thing! The thing is Puerto Rico, which may or may not be a part of the United States, depending on whether you are a goddamned idiot moron dumbfuck-faced idiot. The dankest bowels of Random Racist Interwebs are quite certain Rubio only won Puerto Rico because he promised them amnesty and citizenship, which would be hilarious if it weren't so -- no, actually, it's still pretty hilarious.

Also, there are some raised eyebrows of condemnation that he speaked Spanish to the foreigns of Puerto Rico, including in his victory speech. You can't be a real Republican if you speak Spanish.

Rubio was also the only candidate to campaign in Puerto Rico, which might also have something to do with his victory. Or not. Who can say? Moreover, who could possibly get it up enough to care? As Puerto Rico goes, so goes absolutely nothing else.

Rubio's next challenge is winning states where he's not the only competitor. Like, say, his own state of Florida, whose voters go to the polls on March 15. While Rubio is absolutely 100 percent guaranteed for certain planning to win Florida, the actual math numbers suggest not so much:

It's a good thing winning states isn't even part of Rubio's strategy, according to Rubio:  

"I have never based my campaign on one state, but I can tell you this: We will win the state of Florida," he said on CNN. "I have experience beating people who portray themselves to be one thing but are actually something else, and you're going to find that out on March 15 in Florida."

Is it possible that Rubio somehow closes the 15-point gap in the next week? Sure. Is it likely? Hahahahahah, you are adorable. But since Rubio doesn't have to win states to declare himself victorious -- again and again and again, and it's funny every single time -- he is not about to admit that losing Florida would mean it really is time for him to accept that while he might not be as universally hated as his fellow Not Trump, Ted Cruz, nobody really likes him very much. Certainly not enough to vote for him.

But here's a silver lining for Rubio:  He  might win the coveted endorsement of sad pathetic also-ran loser Jeb Bush.

A former Bush campaign official who asked not to be identified to speak more freely believes it's a "possibility" Bush will endorse Rubio, especially if Bush thinks it can "make a big difference and slow Trump down."

Given Jeb's popularity with his own party, surely his endorsement of Rubio would be a real game-changer. Especially after he focused so much of his own campaign on attacking Little Marco for playing hooky all the time from his actual job in the Senate; for abandoning his push for comprehensive immigration reform, with the Gang of 8; and for being a snotty little shit who failed to show proper deference to his elder, and mentor, Jeb Bush, by running against him.

This Tuesday, Republicans will be caucusing in Idaho and Hawaii, and given that Hawaii is possibly a foreign nation like Puerto Rico, he just might be able to squeak out a victory there too. Fingers crossed!

[ LA Times / CNN ]