SHARE

It is TOTALLY a conpisracy

Well, that didn’t take long. Within hours of Saturday’s death of Antonin Scalia, the Wingnuttosphere was having a fine old time explaining it’s UNPOSSIBLE for a 79-year-old Supreme Court justice to die of natural causes, because Reasons. There has to be something fishy about Scalia’s death, because as we all know, important people never simply die, if they die at all (and in the case of most mass shootings, and terrorist attacks, nobody died, because the whole thing was made up to take your guns away). So by Saturday evening, even as the Republican presidential candidates were explaining the Constitution doesn’t allow presidents to appoint anyone to the Supreme Court in an election year, Alex Jones was on Facebook with an “emergency transmission” explaining the only possible explanation for Scalia’s death was so Barack Obama could appoint a fellow communist to the Supreme Court, because that’s just the evil sort of bastard Obama is.

Breaking: Justice Scalia Murdered?

Posted by Alex Jones on Saturday, February 13, 2016

Jones marshals all the evidence: For one thing, Andrew Breitbart also died of a “heart attack,” which was clearly murder. Plus, it was awfully suspicious that “They” said Scalia’s death appeared to be of natural causes, which clearly can’t be determined until there’s an autopsy, and whenever They kill someone, it’s always eventually determined to be “natural causes” or a “suicide.” But if that were really the case, why would those causes of death be in quotation marks, huh?

Jones explained exactly how insidious the plot is, since They went after an old man: Sure, “you think ‘he was old, something must have happened’ — instantly, it’s in the playbook!” How fiendishly clever of Them! Still, it all becomes clear nothing happens without a reason, and man oh man does Barack Obama ever have a reason to kill a SCOTUS justice:

Obama’s only one vote away from being able to ban guns, open the borders, actually have the Court engage in his agenda. And now Scalia dies. I mean, this is hardcore … weird stuff’s happening.

We suppose we could point out that if Barack Obama truly were such a murderous demon, he could just as well have knocked off Scalia in his first term, guaranteeing fewer challenges, but since the whole thing’s imaginary, Jones would shoot back that clearly Obama has held off on making his move until now because he’s desperate. Jones won’t have any of your excuses: “We’re fools if we sit here in this season of treason, this climate of evil,” and we fail to notice that Scalia was the only one standing up against Obama, with his blistering dissenting opinions — which never actually changed the court’s rulings, but which were so full of truth he had to be silenced.

Jones then poses this puzzler: Since it’s a given that our government is already funding ISIS to kill hundreds of thousands of Christians in the Middle East, why wouldn’t it also murder Scalia? Jones’s logic is airtight, or at least wholly contained in a vacuum.

You see, his gut tells him it was an assassination, and yet another indication that “they’re droppin’ the hammer. That’s the canary in the coal mine.” It’s so evil the metaphors are getting all mixed, and you know there’ll be hell to pay when the shit hits the fan and the chickens come home to roost. Especially if they get here before the cows come home.

What’s next on Alex Jones’s Feardar? Having tasted blood, Obama is bent on more murder, probably:

Are they going to kill Clarence Thomas? Maybe they’ll kill Ron Paul. Maybe they’ll kill Donald Trump next. They all had heart attacks. How many more of these are we going to sit here and put up with? Or maybe their airplane blows up.

Or maybe none of it will happen, just to keep us guessing. Finally, Jones gets to the obvious question: “The real question is, why am I still alive? Well I’ll tell you why: I’m not the guy with the original info. I’m just here with the common sense, pointing it out. And the truth is, everybody knows!” So you see, that’s why he’s safe … for now.

Above all, we must ignore Big Media, and listen to our fear and paranoia, which are always reliable. Says Jones: “My gut tells me they killed him and all the intellectual evidence lays it out … what does your gut tell you?” Our gut tells us it would have been smarter if we’d thought to buy bagels yesterday, because after all this coffee, a grapefruit isn’t going to be very satisfying, and does our stomach need more acid? Our gut also tells us the guy who was certain Operation Jade Helm would lead to martial law by the end of last summer might be wrong about Scalia. Still, you have to admit all the medical evidence is right there, in Jones’s head.

Assuming Barack Obama’s operatives somehow fail to murder the remaining conservatives on the Court, there’s at least the hope Republicans can somehow stave off a civil war, because if a liberal or even a moderate gets confirmed, America is doomed, and Alex Jones himself will be killed to death:

The Republicans better block this nomination, because if they get one more Supreme Court person in there, they’re going to trump every piece of Bill of Rights and Constitution and they’re going to get that physical civil war they want … You’re gonna get it. And then, that street goes both ways. You’re not gonna get it from me. This whole hammer gets fully dropped, I’ll be long gone before then.

Jones closes with a hint that Scalia already knew he was a marked man, the poor guy:

But like a Supreme Court Justice just last year told Matt Drudge at dinner, he said, “No, they told us they’re banning free speech next year; they’re coming after everybody and they’re going to come after us and it’s really dangerous, so you might want to get out of the country,” basically. And now somebody’s dead! I’m not allowed to tell you which supreme court justice it was, but I’m sure you can figure it out. I’m sure it was natural causes, they said so. I’m Alex Jones signing off. Enjoy what’s left of the country.

Also, too, wingnuts from deadbeat dad and former congressidiot Joe Walsh to the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft, are making much of one line in My San Antonio’s report on how Scalia’s body was found. The owner of the Cibolo Creek Ranch, John Poindexter (no relation to the Iran-Contra guy), said he tried to wake Scalia Saturday morning, but got no reply to a knock on the door. When he came back three hours later and still got no answer, he unlocked the room:

“We discovered the judge in bed, a pillow over his head. His bed clothes were unwrinkled,” said Poindexter.

“He was lying very restfully. It looked like he had not quite awakened from a nap,” he said.

Scalia, 79, did not have a pulse and his body was cold, and after consulting with a doctor at a hospital in Alpine, Poindexter concluded resuscitation would have been futile, He then contacted federal authorities, at first encountering a series of answering services because he was calling on a weekend.

A pillow over his head? It can only mean one thing! MURDER! Or a sloppy description. Or a misquote. Or a guy who had a heart attack in his sleep and moved around some. So definitely MURDER.

UPDATE February 17 4 p.m. EST: As we suspected above, it was a sloppy description by Mr. Poindexter, who clarified on CBS This Morning Wednesday that Scalia “had a pillow over his head, not over his face as some have been saying. The pillow was against the headboard.” So more “above” than “pressed firmly into his face to suffocate him, with a handkerchief monographed ‘BHO’ and an Ace of Spades on top.” Obviously, this can mean only one thing: THEY got to Poindexter.

The conspiracy stories are also being aired over at Dead Breitbart’s Home for Just Asking Questions, where Joel Pollak mentioned the pillow, of course, and further explains Scalia may actually been done in by scare quotes:

While Scalia was pronounced dead “of natural causes”–or, alternatively, of a heart attack–no qualified official had actually examined his body, and there was no autopsy performed, apparently in deference to the wishes of his family […]

Presidio County Judge Cinderella Guevara said that there had been “no foul play,” according to the Washington Post–but she had “pronounced Scalia dead of natural causes without seeing the body — which is permissible under Texas law — and without ordering an autopsy.” It had taken “hours” for authorities to find the judge at all.

To his credit, Pollak at least admits the conspiracy theories “cannot explain why, if the president had wanted Scalia (or another conservative jurist) dead, he would have waited past so many big decisions.” This is what you call Responsible Reporting in the Conservasphere.

[Alex Jones on Facebook via RightWingWatch / Gateway Pundit / MySA.com / Breitbart via Joe.My.God. / Update: CBS News]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleWho Will Save The Babies Now That Antonin Scalia Is Roasting In Hell?
Next articleTucker Carlson Doesn’t Want To Wank To Fat Chicks