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It is TOTALLY a conpisracy

Well, that didn’t take long. Within hours of Saturday’s death of Antonin Scalia, the Wingnuttosphere was having a fine old time explaining it’s UNPOSSIBLE for a 79-year-old Supreme Court justice to die of natural causes, because Reasons. There has to be something fishy about Scalia’s death, because as we all know, important people never simply die, if they die at all (and in the case of most mass shootings, and terrorist attacks, nobody died, because the whole thing was made up to take your guns away). So by Saturday evening, even as the Republican presidential candidates were explaining the Constitution doesn’t allow presidents to appoint anyone to the Supreme Court in an election year, Alex Jones was on Facebook with an “emergency transmission” explaining the only possible explanation for Scalia’s death was so Barack Obama could appoint a fellow communist to the Supreme Court, because that’s just the evil sort of bastard Obama is.

Breaking: Justice Scalia Murdered?

Posted by Alex Jones on Saturday, February 13, 2016

Jones marshals all the evidence: For one thing, Andrew Breitbart also died of a “heart attack,” which was clearly murder. Plus, it was awfully suspicious that “They” said Scalia’s death appeared to be of natural causes, which clearly can’t be determined until there’s an autopsy, and whenever They kill someone, it’s always eventually determined to be “natural causes” or a “suicide.” But if that were really the case, why would those causes of death be in quotation marks, huh?

Jones explained exactly how insidious the plot is, since They went after an old man: Sure, “you think ‘he was old, something must have happened’ — instantly, it’s in the playbook!” How fiendishly clever of Them! Still, it all becomes clear nothing happens without a reason, and man oh man does Barack Obama ever have a reason to kill a SCOTUS justice:

Obama’s only one vote away from being able to ban guns, open the borders, actually have the Court engage in his agenda. And now Scalia dies. I mean, this is hardcore … weird stuff’s happening.

We suppose we could point out that if Barack Obama truly were such a murderous demon, he could just as well have knocked off Scalia in his first term, guaranteeing fewer challenges, but since the whole thing’s imaginary, Jones would shoot back that clearly Obama has held off on making his move until now because he’s desperate. Jones won’t have any of your excuses: “We’re fools if we sit here in this season of treason, this climate of evil,” and we fail to notice that Scalia was the only one standing up against Obama, with his blistering dissenting opinions — which never actually changed the court’s rulings, but which were so full of truth he had to be silenced.

Jones then poses this puzzler: Since it’s a given that our government is already funding ISIS to kill hundreds of thousands of Christians in the Middle East, why wouldn’t it also murder Scalia? Jones’s logic is airtight, or at least wholly contained in a vacuum.

You see, his gut tells him it was an assassination, and yet another indication that “they’re droppin’ the hammer. That’s the canary in the coal mine.” It’s so evil the metaphors are getting all mixed, and you know there’ll be hell to pay when the shit hits the fan and the chickens come home to roost. Especially if they get here before the cows come home.

What’s next on Alex Jones’s Feardar? Having tasted blood, Obama is bent on more murder, probably:

Are they going to kill Clarence Thomas? Maybe they’ll kill Ron Paul. Maybe they’ll kill Donald Trump next. They all had heart attacks. How many more of these are we going to sit here and put up with? Or maybe their airplane blows up.

Or maybe none of it will happen, just to keep us guessing. Finally, Jones gets to the obvious question: “The real question is, why am I still alive? Well I’ll tell you why: I’m not the guy with the original info. I’m just here with the common sense, pointing it out. And the truth is, everybody knows!” So you see, that’s why he’s safe … for now.

Above all, we must ignore Big Media, and listen to our fear and paranoia, which are always reliable. Says Jones: “My gut tells me they killed him and all the intellectual evidence lays it out … what does your gut tell you?” Our gut tells us it would have been smarter if we’d thought to buy bagels yesterday, because after all this coffee, a grapefruit isn’t going to be very satisfying, and does our stomach need more acid? Our gut also tells us the guy who was certain Operation Jade Helm would lead to martial law by the end of last summer might be wrong about Scalia. Still, you have to admit all the medical evidence is right there, in Jones’s head.

Assuming Barack Obama’s operatives somehow fail to murder the remaining conservatives on the Court, there’s at least the hope Republicans can somehow stave off a civil war, because if a liberal or even a moderate gets confirmed, America is doomed, and Alex Jones himself will be killed to death:

The Republicans better block this nomination, because if they get one more Supreme Court person in there, they’re going to trump every piece of Bill of Rights and Constitution and they’re going to get that physical civil war they want … You’re gonna get it. And then, that street goes both ways. You’re not gonna get it from me. This whole hammer gets fully dropped, I’ll be long gone before then.

Jones closes with a hint that Scalia already knew he was a marked man, the poor guy:

But like a Supreme Court Justice just last year told Matt Drudge at dinner, he said, “No, they told us they’re banning free speech next year; they’re coming after everybody and they’re going to come after us and it’s really dangerous, so you might want to get out of the country,” basically. And now somebody’s dead! I’m not allowed to tell you which supreme court justice it was, but I’m sure you can figure it out. I’m sure it was natural causes, they said so. I’m Alex Jones signing off. Enjoy what’s left of the country.

Also, too, wingnuts from deadbeat dad and former congressidiot Joe Walsh to the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft, are making much of one line in My San Antonio’s report on how Scalia’s body was found. The owner of the Cibolo Creek Ranch, John Poindexter (no relation to the Iran-Contra guy), said he tried to wake Scalia Saturday morning, but got no reply to a knock on the door. When he came back three hours later and still got no answer, he unlocked the room:

“We discovered the judge in bed, a pillow over his head. His bed clothes were unwrinkled,” said Poindexter.

“He was lying very restfully. It looked like he had not quite awakened from a nap,” he said.

Scalia, 79, did not have a pulse and his body was cold, and after consulting with a doctor at a hospital in Alpine, Poindexter concluded resuscitation would have been futile, He then contacted federal authorities, at first encountering a series of answering services because he was calling on a weekend.

A pillow over his head? It can only mean one thing! MURDER! Or a sloppy description. Or a misquote. Or a guy who had a heart attack in his sleep and moved around some. So definitely MURDER.

UPDATE February 17 4 p.m. EST: As we suspected above, it was a sloppy description by Mr. Poindexter, who clarified on CBS This Morning Wednesday that Scalia “had a pillow over his head, not over his face as some have been saying. The pillow was against the headboard.” So more “above” than “pressed firmly into his face to suffocate him, with a handkerchief monographed ‘BHO’ and an Ace of Spades on top.” Obviously, this can mean only one thing: THEY got to Poindexter.

The conspiracy stories are also being aired over at Dead Breitbart’s Home for Just Asking Questions, where Joel Pollak mentioned the pillow, of course, and further explains Scalia may actually been done in by scare quotes:

While Scalia was pronounced dead “of natural causes”–or, alternatively, of a heart attack–no qualified official had actually examined his body, and there was no autopsy performed, apparently in deference to the wishes of his family […]

Presidio County Judge Cinderella Guevara said that there had been “no foul play,” according to the Washington Post–but she had “pronounced Scalia dead of natural causes without seeing the body — which is permissible under Texas law — and without ordering an autopsy.” It had taken “hours” for authorities to find the judge at all.

To his credit, Pollak at least admits the conspiracy theories “cannot explain why, if the president had wanted Scalia (or another conservative jurist) dead, he would have waited past so many big decisions.” This is what you call Responsible Reporting in the Conservasphere.

[Alex Jones on Facebook via RightWingWatch / Gateway Pundit / MySA.com / Breitbart via Joe.My.God. / Update: CBS News]

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  • Portia McGonagal

    Because Scalia was the pinnacle of health. I tried to think like these tin foil heads but it just resulted in a headache and throwing things.

    • theCryptofishist

      Yeah, that headache is why they are always in such a bad mood.

      • TeeRaak

        Chemtrail inhalation. Normal people are not affected….

  • Oneofthebobs

    There’s an extra John Poindexter? One is quite enough.

    • Nounverb911

      Needs less Dexter.

      • Oneofthebobs

        More Poin?

  • Nounverb911

    “Presidio County Judge Cinderella Guevara”
    Che was the fairy tale prince?

    • Msgr_Moment

      The not-so-fresh Prince.

    • FauxAntocles

      IT’S ALL A FAIRY TALE!!!1!! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!!11!!!!

  • Scooby

    If Bamz was gonna do this he would have done it 7 years ago. But the republican would say it’s still too early to allow him to name a replacement

    • Brewerofbeers

      They already wrote a letter explaining how he isn’t really the President, so of course they don’t think he can appoint someone.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      “He’s only been in office for a few months and clearly doesn’t have the experience to be naming SCOTUS. We, in the Senate, advise him to wait 4 years so the American people can have a say in this.”

      • willi0000000

        shouldn’t that be “wee in the Senate” . . . ?

      • Scooby

        Exactly

  • Msgr_Moment

    What happens in Marfa stays in Marfa.

    • willi0000000

      ‘specially if it was done by the marfia.

    • TeeRaak

      I think when they named that town, the town founder was chewing on something.

      He was trying to say “Martha” or something…

      • Msgr_Moment

        Marfarker.

  • Blackest Noobs

    redrum!!!! red-RUM!!!!!! RED-RUM!!!!

    • theCryptofishist

      Re-DRUM! Re-Drum!!!11

      Sorry, I’ve been Spinal Tapped.

  • Zippy
    • VandeGraf

      This starts out being fun to listen to, but eventually it becomes monotonous. Everything is a conspiracy, and everything is a plot to undermine something. Might be better if he’d never moved on from his expose of the Bohemian Grove and the Bilderberg Group. However, he’s now saying that the end is nigh, just like all those other caterwauling prophets over the last several millennia. Shortly even wingnuts will begin to doubt Jones even though he’s been wrong for years.

  • Zippy
    • Callyson

      Never mind the comments–I don’t think my blood pressure can handle any article from that wingnut website just now…

    • Major_Major_Major

      You warned, I ignored. I am dumber for having done so. Thanks Obama

      • HogeyeGrex

        Never get out of the boat.

  • Joe Beese

    Jones’ BFF Donald Trump should be along shortly to agree that “People have questions. That’s all I’m saying.”

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Ban guns? On top of not being good at probability, Alex Jones is very terrible at how Amending the US Constitution works.

  • lucidamente

    I believe the legal phrase here is “cui derpo?”

    • coozledad

      Ipse dipshit.

    • Nounverb911

      O/T

      Are you feeling better now?

    • sw19womble

      caveat derptor

    • willi0000000

      amicus derpia?

    • FlownOver

      Res ipsa stupitur.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Habeas derpus.

  • jmhm

    Because there’s no other reason for a portly purple-faced man pushing eighty who did his high-stress job in a state of constant apoplexy to die.

    Except possibly apoplexy. But clearly not.

  • Msgr_Moment

    “We’re fools if we sit here in this season of treason, this climate of evil,”

    You could have stopped right after the first two words.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      “Season of treason, climate of the tyrant” would have sounded cooler.

      • mailman27

        Something something weevils of evil?

      • willi0000000

        also, two great band names.

        • Naytch

          I was thinking cheap Game of Thrones knock-off titles.

  • Nounverb911

    “Scalia, 79, did not have a pulse and his body was cold”
    So, nothing unusual.

    • Seek

      Another day ending in y for Cheney. Scalia needs to up his game.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    “Season of treason?” Someone’s droppin hits like De la O.

    • coozledad

      Is Jesus the reason for this one, too?

      • VandeGraf

        Yes, Jebus tooked him home. He’s in a better place now.

        • Nounverb911

          I thought Breitbart took him home.

    • mailman27

      Also season of unreason, too. And I’ve been sneezin’ a lot lately.

  • Brazilian Fart Porn

    I don’t think they have all their ducks in a row, and are counting the chickens before the eggs hatch.

    • PubOption

      From Yes, Prime Minister
      Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
      City’s a funny place, you know, Prime Minister. If you spill the
      beans you open up a whole can of worms. I mean, how can you let sleeping
      dogs lie if you let the cat out of the bag? Bring in a new broom and if
      you’re not very careful you find you’ve thrown the baby out with the
      bathwater. If you change horses in the middle of the stream, next thing
      you know you’re up the creek without a paddle.
      James Hacker: And then the balloon goes up.

    • Querolous

      And the horse has left the barn to set which way the wind blows over the mossy rock.

  • Brewerofbeers

    “The real question is, why am I still alive?”

    Aww, someone is feeling left out after being picked last for the undead kickball team.

    • Oneofthebobs

      Really, how can he be alive when he’s too dumb to remember to breathe.

    • sw19womble

      Close. The real question for him is “why do I even exist?”

  • Zippy

    Maybe he’s not actually dead- it’s just weekend at Scalia’s

    • Nounverb911

      Alien abduction?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      With Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy as the clerks who need to convince the world that Scalia is alive for just one more case.

    • VandeGraf

      Yeah, maybe his batteries are in the recharger!

    • FlownOver

      “Pining for the fjords” is my guess.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Under the revised medical nomenclature promulgated under, “heart attack” now includes what was formally notated as “Heart ripped from chest and devoured by supernatural assasin.”

    Thanks, Obama.

    • Nounverb911

      Darth Cheney?

      • FauxAntocles

        He must have been desperate.

  • data_ninja

    This could apply to anything posted on Wonkette in the past couple of weeks https://twitter.com/feraljokes/status/698615384853913600

    • TeeRaak

      Obama jumped the shark when he killed ObL

  • Callyson

    So Scalia-truthers are going to be a thing now? It’s going to be a long election cycle year lifetime…

    • Zippy

      You’ve got to love the thought process from these geniuses- yes, that diabolical Obama sent in his ninja assassins to knock off Scalia, they snuck into a remote compound past all the guests, broke into his room and smothered him. But they just plain forgot to take the pillow off his head before they left…

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    I KNEW IT!!!11!!! It was the butler in the bedroom with the candlestick.

    • Nounverb911

      But where did the butler stick the candlestick?

  • Count Awesome

    Calling on people to double down on their paranoia must mean they need tin foil hats made of industrial strength aluminum.

    • willi0000000

      OK . . . one more time . . . aluminum foil is good for stopping everything from LF radio to ultraviolet in the EM spectrum . . . but if you want to stop HAARP ultrawaves, you need actual tin.

      [ this message brought to you by big Sn ]

  • Msgr_Moment

    I for one welcome our new claw-hammer overlords.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JU5LMG3WFBw

    • theCryptofishist

      I for one welcome our new claw-hammer peen overlords.

  • ManchuCandidate

    It’s all a dark conspiracy by the following:
    Barry Obama
    The Saucer People
    Reverse Vampires
    International Bankers
    The Zionists
    The Nazis
    The Commies
    The CommieNazis
    The Yakuza
    Environmentalists
    USAF
    Rand Corp
    Little Cesar’s Pizza
    CIA
    Mossad
    The KGB
    MI-6
    Orcs from Middle Earth

    • Count Awesome

      Is this a conspiracy to eliminate dinner?

    • UncleTravelingMatt

      You forgot IHOP.

      • sw19womble

        See? The memory-erasing HAARP signal is already working its evil!

    • Zippy

      I don’t see Hillary on that list- you know how she loves to kill people

      • Rick Hill

        You don’t ever want to cross a Clinton

        • Nounverb911

          So only pure-bred Clintons are recommended?

          • Zippy

            Bill was just voted Best of Breed last night at Westminster

          • Rick Hill

            That was Most Likley to Breed

          • Zippy

            The big dog knows his role.

            BTW Carly also won best Afghan Hound…

          • HogeyeGrex

            Man, they have dropped their standards.

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      And he Mets. Always the Mets.

    • iGrover

      Don’t forget Smoking Man.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Hey, you forgot The Gays!

    • PubOption

      What about the Masons and/or the Rosicrucians?

  • Rick Hill

    “….there was no autopsy performed, apparently in deference to the wishes of his family”
    Or maybe because they couldn’t find anyone who would do the job

  • Anarchy Pony

    I wonder if that run over possum outside is a government plot…

  • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

    He was alive just a few hours before he was dead.

    • willi0000000

      i’ll bet they hadn’t thought of that.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That can’t be just a coincidence, right?

  • JustPixelz

    This is why I’m never going to get on Obama’s wrong side. So I can live forever.

  • cousin itt

    First person accounts from Bill O’Reilly and Brian Williams claim that reports of an underage chicken in the bedroom are false.

    • Zippy

      The hard part was smuggling that teenaged boy out the bedroom window before the authorities arrived

      • Nounverb911

        Rush helped.

  • Rick Hill

    I know we have free speech…of sorts, and all but guys like this just feed the truly ill among us. We just heard the rantings of those unhinged folks who took over the bird sanctuary. When the politicians jump on the bandwagon too it just begs the question of where and how to draw the line.

  • Spurning Beer

    “Cinderella Guevara” is my new lesbian porn name.

    • PubOption

      Obviously a fake name but does it mean that the Rockefellers were involved?
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBjI1aC4yCM
      (OT, but that’s some crazy flatulence at the beginning).

      • HogeyeGrex

        Le Pétomane?

  • TheBidenator

    Alex, If Bamz really were bumping off wingnuts for ‘telling the truth’ via natural causes wouldn’t it be very easy for him to whack a middle aged, obese radio host who screams until his face turns purple and is the poster child for a future massive coronary? Especially one who’s ‘onto him’? Ugh, these fucking people :head desk:

  • deanbooth

    I heard that they found a pubic hair on top of a Coke can on his bedside table.

  • sw19womble

    I am going to shamelessly steal ‘Feardar’ from here on in.

  • Metadude

    “Cinderella Guevara” sounds like a left-wing alias to me! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

  • JustPixelz

    he could just as well have knocked off Scalia in his first term, guaranteeing fewer challenges

    That’s the fiendish genius of Obama: Wait until Scalia is old, overweight and complaining about “not feeling well”. Then BAM, pillow him.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      That’s why they call pillows the “stiletto for old, fat, unhealthy guys.”

      • JustPixelz

        HEY! I’m all four of those things. (gives pillow the side eye) I’m gonna start wearing a catcher’s mask to bed.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          Sleep warily, my friend.

        • Naytch

          See, if he had just done the damn sleep study…

      • I thought Clarence Thomas wore the stiletto’s in that relationship.

  • VandeGraf

    So Bamz goes all Jade Helm all over SCOTUS and we’re meant to believe it was Colonel Mustard in the john with a forceps or Clarence Thomas in the park with a toy gun? I think not!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …word on the street is Obama killed David Bowie and Hans Solo in the new Star Wars(Spoiler alert? It’s been like 3 months since its release, if you haven’t seen it yet it’s on you!!!)

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    In all fairness to Mr. Jones, et. al., Scalia’s rulings and written opinions were so evil, so vile, that one might be forgiven for assuming he would live forever. Just like any other vampire.

  • TheBidenator

    If Obama whacked Scalia for being a loud mouthed, anachronistic moron who does nothing but argle bargle he’d have to re-enact that scene from the “Godfather” where Michael Corleone kills all his enemies for like a week straight to get every right wing shitsack who fits that description…

    • Thaumaturgist

      The week has only begun.

  • No, since we all “know” that Obama is orchestrating the mass shootings to turn America against guns, murdering Scalia would only make sense in the context of a SCOTUS mass shooting that conveniently also took out Thomas and Alito. No, for this one, the rabbit hole goes deeper, people. Possibly all the way through the Earth to Vatican City, Pope Francis, and the Knights Templar.

    I mean, all of the evidence is there. Or so the voices in my head tell me. Shut up, Pedro, I’m getting to the part about biblical numerology and Norse astrology and how it all fits into Illuminati.

  • Everyone knows that if President Obama could have had anyone murdered it would have been Kanye West. Partially because you know Obama loathes the guy. And partially because it would have been the most popular yet the least controversial thing he could have done.

  • cousin itt

    Is it just a coincidence Bill O’Reilly was finishing he manuscript for his next book, “Killing Scalia” as the news was reported Saturday morning?

    • TheBidenator

      He was in the room talking to dying Scalia ala Bob Woodward to Belushi in “Wired”…which if none of you have seen that train wreck of a movie, you need to see it.

    • So you are saying that Bill O’Reilly bored Scalia to death?

      • theCryptofishist

        Wouldn’t be the first, won’t be the last.

      • TeeRaak

        Fuck it! We’ll do it live dead.

  • goonemeritus

    They laughed when people suggested Lincoln death seemed a little suspicious. I don’t care how uninspired a theatrical performance is, audiences rarely die from seeing a bad play.

    • Msgr_Moment

      You tell that to the actors in Macbeeeeeeeeehhh!!!$%#

      • Pickwicknext

        It’s the Scottish Play. Now go outside, ran around the theatre and spit thrice beforee you come back in

        • willi0000000

          he can’t . . . he’s dead Jim.

    • How about a bad movie? There are a few Kirk Cameron movies that I could see leaving some dead people in their wake.

  • JustPixelz

    Scalia was covered by government health insurance!!1! Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

  • Somebody (and by that I mean Alex Jones) needs to stop binge watching episodes of the The Outer Limits and Twilight Zone. They have corrupted his programing.

    • Nounverb911

      He should check in at the Marcobot store for an upgrade.

      • Msgr_Moment

        He’s the opposite of Artificial Intelligence: Natural Derpidity.

        • Pickwicknext

          That won’t pass a Turing practice exam

          • theCryptofishist

            I dunno. Who’s proctoring? Professor Snape? Quayle? Kaczinski?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The twist is, Alex Jones is the alien, and doesn’t realize it.

    • YourMom

      Except that Twilight Zone and Outer Limits seemed rational.

  • TheBidenator

    “Scalia Truthers” is a hilarious moniker given the rarity that Scalia ever divulged anything truthful in his lifetime….of course “Breitbart Truthing” was even more absurd. At least Nino lied because of ideological programming, not because it made him lots of money….

    • HogeyeGrex

      I can almost excuse the grifters. The ones who are ears-deep snorting their own stash are the dangerous ones.

  • JustPixelz

    Release the long form death certificate!

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Alex Jones has got be the batshittiest among the batshits.

    • Pickwicknext

      Damn it, now they’ll start competing.

    • harryeagar

      Either that or a con artist. i vote for con artist.

      • YourMom

        Con artist. And that makes him more evil than a looney with a following.

  • JustPixelz

    Shorter Alex Jones: “They’re all lying. Except me.”

    • YourMom

      Sounds like the latest GOP debate.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Sounds like the latest GOP debate.

  • Blackest Noobs

    this is what happens when a group cherry picks everything, be it the US Constitution, be it the law, be it the Bible, they have for so long only picked the parts they think would suit them and only them, and they believe it so much they see no other way, no way out.

    and unfortunately for us and them, their way out will be the their demise.

    maybe not this year, maybe not in five years, but if this keeps up, you’ll see the breakup of the Republican party….so you hear that Republican Establishment, you’ve got some work to do….or you’re done.

    • willi0000000

      all the pugs have a “pocket constitution”

      [ put something in their pocket and they’ll find a way to make it constitutional ]

  • cousin itt

    I suppose Beyoncé has an airtight alibi.

    • sw19womble

      She was on the secret Illuminati moonbase?

  • Skwerl King

    Foiled again! How does Alex Jones do it? How does he find out about our fiendish plots to One-World-Gay-Marry-Or-Something America? Now that the sheeple know we will have to change plans! Everybody take off Reptilian Impostor’s Day (today) and come in with fresh ideas tomorrow.

    • harryeagar

      It’s scary the number of Infowars bumper stickers I see driving to work

      • BeliTsari

        “The more you drive, the stoopider you get!” Alex Jones

        • HogeyeGrex

          “You eat a lot of acid, Miller, back in the hippie days?”

  • The Wanderer

    Maybe the next target is . . . Alex Jones. Just to make absolutely certain, Jones needs to seal himself up in a bunker somewhere inaccessible, completely incommunicado, and hide there until after Obama leaves office.

    • Jonny On Maui

      You’ll let him know when it’s safe, right?

      • The Wanderer

        Oh, of course! (grins)

    • Querolous

      An airtight bunker.

      • The Wanderer

        Of course! We mustn’t allow his mind to be sullied by all the substances those chemtrails are softly raining down on us.

  • Marceline

    Obviously Obama killed Scalia. The real question is…

    Why did he wait SEVEN FUCKING YEARS to do it?!!

    He could’ve spared us Citizens United and Hobby Lobby! Hillary will handle that business on day one. She’ll pull a Vince Foster on Thomas, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy and replace them all with one Asian, one Indian (either Native or Hindu), one atheist and Michelle Obama.

    • sw19womble

      I know Thomas is an asshole, but twice? Just to be sure?

      • Zippy

        he deserves it

      • Marceline

        That was a deeply Fruedian slip. I’ve corrected because I don’t want anybody thinking I’m giving Roberts a pass.

    • Markuserektus

      Kamala Harris would cover that, but if she goes to the senate maybe Jacqueline Nguyen would be a good fit (I’m partial to Californians).

  • Blackest Noobs

    Maybe if the Clintons were in office, assassination Scalia would be a done deal.
    i mean they totally murderized Vince Foster, and that dude was like a close friend.

  • btwbfdimho

    Finicum: attack on the heart
    + one week:
    Scalia: heart attack
    + one week:
    …who?

    • Markuserektus

      I’m sure there lots of people that don’t know how many justices there are supposed to be, much less naming any.

      • OctopiRage

        Ummm…12 and Hallov is one, right?

    • laughingnome

      Bonnie Tyler?

  • swirl
  • Zippy

    So it turned out Fat Tony was a pillow biter, who knew?

    • LesBontemps

      Lawrence and Texas.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Finally it has been revealed. The real purpose of Jade Helm 16 was to plant deadly pillows throughout Texas.

    • Zippy

      sold at Walmart

      • sw19womble

        Imported from China.

        • Rick Hill

          Made by the same company that makes Trump ties!!!

          • Querolous

            And Rubio heels.

    • Spotts1701

      Pillow snakes. They lull you in, then latch on to your face man!

      • Jonny On Maui

        Well, now I know what will populate tonight’s nightmares…

      • Jeff Ackerman

        I’d rather be smothered by dirty pillows.

        • Zippy

          This is good news for John Meghan McCain

        • Naytch

          If I get to choose my fate, that’s how I would say TTFN!

      • PubOption

        You can tell them by the speckled band.

        • Bernice Reeves

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      • Naytch

        Something for Spotts and two somethings for Jeff Ackerman :)

      • stankbait

        Who is the person identified so far only as Scalia’s friend?
        The person who went into the room with Poindexter and found the corpse of Scalia?

        • TeeRaak

          Scalia had a friend? Surprising.

    • MarkM

      Of course! It all makes sense now!

    • theCryptofishist

      Be very careful opening those Pottery Barn catalougues.

  • Candy Apple

    Um, President Obama? If you’re straight up murdering opponents now, I have a whole list of people I’d like to see done in, k? Call me.

  • Spotts1701

    Clearly Scalia telling his companions he “didn’t feel well” must be some sort of covert distress message they didn’t pick up on.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Everyone is missing the obvious here. It was the family that refused to have an autopsy performed. Don’t you see? They were in on the cover-up. That can only lead to one possible conclusion, Scalia’s wife must have been having an affair with …
    … BARACK OBAMA.

    Knowing that, “Once you go black, you can never go back”, Obama strikes up an affair with the wife. He then arranges the assassination, or maybe uses the wife as the pillow pusher. She refuses the autopsy and the cover-up is complete. If he kills one more conservative justice his evil plan will be complete.

    In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me to find Joe Biden hooking up with Virginia Thomas, even as we speak.

    • LesBontemps

      Poor Joe.

    • mailman27

      Once you go Biden, you keep on backslidin’.

    • theCryptofishist

      So that’s why she didn’t come um, um, go to Texas with her husband.

  • Markuserektus

    A representative of that secessionist happy bastion of nutty right wing nuttery, also known as Texas, pronounced Scalia dead over the phone. Scalia’s family supposedly doesn’t want an autopsy. Sounds like the handling of his death is no big deal. As an aside, Scalia’s doctor said he had a bunch of health issues.
    Also too, to assuage conspiracy theories, Scalia turned down the U.S. Marshal escort he is afforded. Once guys pass thirty-five, we are in the heart attack zone.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The same fuckwad who would spend 12 months and $12 million digging through the dumpster behind a Planned Parenthood clinic, pronounces a Supreme Court justice dead over the phone. That is just so very . . . Texas.

      • bobbert

        No, it was the County Judge, not the AG, in this case.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well — I now fear for “every piece of Bill of Rights and Constitution.” I wonder if Alex Jones even has the vocabulary to understand the rights he’s terrified are right now being taken away from him. Probably not — we’ll see him next at a taxidermist’s trying to purchase as many bear arms as he can get.

    • OctopiRage

      In other news, William of the town of Rights has been repeatedly been reporting harassing phone calls.

      • SayItWithWookies

        They’re even harassing his dog, Constitution.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    Finally, Jones gets to the obvious question: “The real question is, why am I still alive? Well I’ll tell you why: I’m not the guy with the original info. I’m just here with the common sense, pointing it out. And the truth is, everybody knows!” So you see, that’s why he’s safe … for now.

    …oh c’mon guys, we liberals are way more imaginative over here on the left! If I was one of the presidents “cleaners” Scalia would have been found with a leather gimp suit and ball gag in his mouth! Or maybe with a “Slave Leah” costume, while sitting on the toilet!!!

    • cheetojeebus

      Slave Leah costume? Oh that’s an image I won’t be able to forget. Ack cough cough…

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …that’s the point my friend. I’m thinking of posting my resume online, I would think the Obama administration would like creativity like that

        • cheetojeebus

          indeed!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I think that’s meant to be “Slave Leia” – but then I can’t help putting Scalia in the role of Jabba.

        • cheetojeebus

          Leia, Leah, Antonin, Anthony Yadda yadda…

    • Gregory Brown

      Definitely a gimp suit.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …I’m starting to think “gimp suits” are “passé” in republican circles

  • Rick Hill

    I say “He ONLY offed those two?” Maybe his problem is his list is too short. I could help him out with that…

  • weejee

    Have to assume the expression *jonesin’* was launched in tribute to Alex.

    • Zippy

      You try so hard but you don’t understand
      Just what you will say when you get home
      Because something is happening here but you don’t know what it is
      Do you, Mr. Jones?

      • H0mer0

        “Here’s your throat back, thanks for the loan.”

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Wait a minute. I thought it was pretty clear that Beyonce slayed Scalia, with an assist from Hillary “Serial Murderer” Clinton.

  • Jeamonn

    Will somebody please spike this guys evening enema with polonium-210 already. er…votes I mean.

  • Anarchy Pony

    If you’re a political figure, you can’t ever just die in AJ world, it’s always an assassination.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I’m really gonna miss Obama. I mean, who else can pull off this kinda shit?

  • BadKitty904

    OK, Dok, I see the fallacy in your premise – “Alex Jones”…

  • geoffalnutt

    Please. He’d belch and garage doors would open in New Jersey. His double chins had double chins. As has been said – he was one bacon cheese burger away from the big one.

  • cheetojeebus

    They really should get Ash on this or we are really going to be fucked.

  • Rick Hill

    I think it’s totally obvious that Hill did this. She knew that Scalia would have been the deciding vote when her election is contested while the gop is stealing all the votes. She just took care o business in a timely fashion

  • smitallica

    Obama didn’t murder him. He had him late-late-late-late-late-late-term aborted. THAT’S WHAT LIBERALS DO, SHEEPLE!

    • Msgr_Moment

      To be fair, it goes to the question of when human life begins.

      • Rick Hill

        This one, the soul didn’t seem to take so maybe one could argue it’s not REALLY murder.

  • Portia McGonagal

    Was “The Pelican Brief” playing on TNT this weekend? Would explain a lot.

    • Cheesus Crust

      Beat me to it.

  • particolored

    The only obvious explanation for all these past and future heart attacks Alex Jones is warning us about is that Obama got hold of a Death Note.

    • guppy06

      So “Yertle” isn’t actually his real name!?

  • Are we sure Scalia didn’t die accidentally when he was cooking some bacon with Ted Cruz?

    • cessnadriver

      If “cooking bacon” is an Urban Dictionary slang term for “blowing rentboys”, then yes!

      • btwbfdimho

        Yes, Canadian Bacon.

  • Invidosa

    Sweet baby Osiris! Can we start spiking the water with clozapine already?

    On a totally unrelated note (but really its totes related cause conspiracy) yesterday it was cold and today its SNOWING! I mean, this is hard core!!! Snow? In Michigan? In February? Amirite? Weird stuff is happening!

    What’s next? Snow in new York? Maine? ALASKA!! *SCREAM* of course Obama’s damn snow conspiracy would hit the state of our holy lord and savior Palin! When will it end! Where will it STOP sheeple! Won’t someone please think of the children!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      So much for global warming, eh? I bet that ratfucker Inhofe is itching to get back on the Senate floor with the proof.

      • OctopiRage

        That would mean he has to show up for work, so fuck that.

  • cessnadriver

    A judge name fucking “cinderela”? Texas is a synonym for incredibly weird.

    • Her rulings are only valid until midnight?

      • Zippy

        If the slipper don’t fit, you must acquit

        • That is good, you deserve double up fists.

        • cessnadriver

          THIS is why I love Wonkette!

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Conspiracy theories:
    1. The liberals killed Scalia just because
    1a. The Liberals killed Scalia because of the EPA case
    2. A faction of the “conservatives” killed Scalia because he was going to rule against Cruz
    2a. A faction of the “conservatives” killed Scalia because he was going to rule for Cruz
    2b. Factions of the liberals and conservatives united to kill Scalia because he was going to rule for/against Cruz
    3. The Bushes and the Republican Establishment killed Scalia to unite the Republicans.
    4. In search of “the missing evangelical voters” the Republican Establishment killed Scalia as a desperate last move.
    5. The Bilderbergers did it.
    6. The New World Order did it.
    7. The Jesuits did it.
    8. The Elders of Zion did it.
    9. Agents working out of Area 21 did it.
    10. Vince Foster, who has been alive all this time, did it.

    • Zippy

      Richard Trumka had his union thugs do it to void a 5-4 ruling against the california teachers

    • Thaumaturgist

      Why would the Jesuits do it? Scalia was a Jesuit asset.

      • Zippy

        they’re sneaky that way…

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        Insufficient loyalty to the Black Pope. AMDG.

        • Skadi

          Also a lack of surprise and ruthless efficiency. He had the ‘fear’ part down, though.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He was, but younger Jesuits (<85 y.o.) have taken over.

      • Playonwords

        He’d just moved over to Opus Dei

        • Thaumaturgist

          Got it.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      11. The Lizard People did it.*

      *They’re also responsible for Jar Jar Binks and elevator muzak.

      • Anarchy Pony

        So they’re only half terrible?

    • VandeGraf

      And having met the Elders of Zion, I can tell that the few who remain are in care facilities, only one is mobile (with a chair), and they all suffer from dementia.

    • BeliTsari

      Martha Bomgardner, hiding amongst the drapes…drowned him in tears?

    • chicken thief

      In other GOP news, Nancy Reagan still gives killer bj’s.

  • BadKitty904

    Yes, Alex, tell us more…

  • BeliTsari

    Quintus Naevius Cordus Sutorius Macro, in the chamber, with the PILLOW!

    • The Wanderer

      If Macro did it, was it at the behest of Marcus Rubeus Caligula?

  • E S

    You think that I’m at my computer typing this, but appearances are deceiving, and that’s what they want you to believe. Free yourselves and realize I am really singing an opera at La Scala, in a Chinese accent, wearing roller skates, a decade before my birth by Jacqueline Onassis.

    • Playonwords

      But are you wearing the fluorescent green lycra mankini?

  • SnarkOff

    I can’t believe Obama would do this again after being fired from Olive Garden.

  • Lizzietish81
    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      With all his rage, rage against enlightenment, it’s no surprise he never got around to the dying of the light.

  • My wife had a pillow over her head when I went to wake her up just last week, so I guess we’ll go file for her life insurance after lunch.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I could see the RWNJs wanting an investigation – really, I can. This was a Justice of the SCOTUS, expecting that an autopsy, etc, would be SOP is not unreasonable. Going straight to “obviously murder” within hours of the death and with no evidence whatsoever? THAT’S totally WTF!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Bah – the evidence would prove it was murder . . . no matter what the evidence is. If everything points to a heart attack, well, that’s what “they” want you to believe, which is proof that they manufactured the evidence.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Well, yeah, for the nutjobs absence of evidence is evidence itself. *eyeroll*

  • coozledad

    It’s only fitting that Scalia croaked in a state that failed to pass medicaid expansion.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Would be nicer if it played a role in his death — but it’s only the poor who get fucked over in Texas.

  • harryeagar

    Here’s how you save the last pair of breeding wingnuts from being murdered: Make the leftwing assassin’s job hereditary.

    That’s why Scotland still has otters. The otter wardens handed the job down, so they never killed all the otters.

  • Rick Hill

    Everyone’s overlooking the obvious here. Scalia had an epiphany. He realized how wrong he’d been, how many he had harmed. He felt ill from it and said so. Went to his room and committed suicide. Occam’s razor and all.

    • FauxAntocles

      It wasn’t just an epiphany – Christ showed up and said “I’ve had enough of your shit, Tony. You’re done.”

  • Tallmutha

    I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, but I can tell you that if Tony was in the company of a rent boy, they have the mother of all coverups going balls to the wall right now.

    • Me not sure

      This just in….

    • YourMom

      That’s the fun suggestion to make when your wing nut friend starts asking why no autopsy..huh? Huh?

      • chicken thief

        I heard they didn’t autopsy the gerbil either.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I believe Alex Jones has this shit in the can, as it were – just like the NYT had Nino’s obituary waiting hopefully in the files.

  • btwbfdimho

    Conspiración?
    Well, something happened in the famous Marfhagazi Triangle…
    Just look at the map: Francis The Pope (notorious commie) is in Ciudad Juarez right now…, three hours away from Marfa (if the Holy One can avoid customs, otherwise: 12 hours).

    Also, Marfa is equidistant from Midland, TX (hometown of GWBush) and from Las Cruzes, NM…
    Also, I know someone from Odessa, TX who makes the best goat cheese…cheesy, get it??

    • AnOuthouse

      333 x 2 = 666!! Coincidence?

      • chicken thief

        Goddamn math! Let me git my calculator out and check that….

    • TheBidenator

      That picture of Ted Cruz makes me want to do this to him with votes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdKcm3dx9y0

      • Tokays_don’t_blink

        Heh! You’ve got to really lay into that “O” button…but it gets results, fer sure.

    • chicken thief

      And there is a great man, a True American Conservative Patriot, what lives right down the road a spell, though across the state, that has some really Preznitial looking ties.

      And *uh,hmm* Mr Obama, he does have judicial experience. Jest sayin, Barry….

    • theCryptofishist

      Crap! There really is a “Cinderela Guevara” I’m astonished. That sounded so fake.

  • If Obama shouldn’t be nominating a replacement justice because it’s an election year, does that mean the senators who are up for reelection also shouldn’t be voting on his nominee?

    • This legal theory suggests that members of the House shouldn’t take any votes during the last 11 months of their terms.

      • PubOption

        McConnell and Ryan might be able to go along with that, although they would like an exemption when it comes to voting to abolish Obamacare.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Can’t they just vote to repeal Obamacare a dozen times, and post-date them? It would save time, and be equally meaningful.

  • BadKitty904

    Did Alex “I don’t need no stinkin’ lithium” Jones explain why Bamz would wait all these years before offing that bile-infused tub o’ lard?

    • OctopiRage

      REASONS!!!1!2#!2#2

  • Me not sure

    If only Nick Danger were here. We need you Nick, RIP.

    • bozilingus

      The Strange Case of the Missing…Plot!

    • geoffalnutt

      “Nicky, Nicky, Nicky…are you alright?!”

      • H0mer0

        I’d take Carlos Danger (story needz moar wang)

  • cousin itt

    I’ll take Conspiracy Theories for 4 ounces of gold, Alex.

  • Indiepalin

    It was Mrs. Fiorina in the bathroom with a bidet.

    • Zippy

      She laid him off… permanently

    • chicken thief

      Just look at that evil grin on her face….

  • Seriously

    You see, his gut tells him it was an assassination, and yet another indication that “they’re droppin’ the hammer. That’s the canary in the coal mine.” It’s so evil the metaphors are getting all mixed, and you know there’ll be hell to pay when the shit hits the fan and the chickens come home to roost. Especially if they get here before the cows come home.

    THIS made my day. ^^^^

    • YourMom

      Mine, too.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    Hmm. What if Obama is only appearing to be the mind-numbingly incompetent embodiment of Pure Evil to trick the Illuminati and the Bilderbergers into trusting him while he enacts his fiendishly clever plan to bring about their downfall, world peace, and free ponies for all?

  • crunchyknee

    It’s a shame Scalia wasn’t taking the super male vitality snake oil that dipshit Jones pedals.

    • Thaumaturgist

      You sure he wasn’t taking Dipship Jones’ snake oil? Heard that stuff is poison.

      • YourMom

        If it is, then we should be encouraging his fans to buy more of it.

  • Zippy

    I’m betting it was the Faceless Men- they probably sent in Arya to atone for violating the assassins’ code

    WINTER IS COMING

  • Randy Riddle

    Thanks Obama.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Yeah, murder seems plausible. The black guy sneaks onto a West Texas resort ranch, commits the deed, and sneaks out without anyone ever seeing anything. Nothing out of the ordinary here …

    • Zippy

      And he would have gotten away with it- if only he’d remembered to remove the pillow

    • Celtic_Gnome

      You’d think he would have farmed this out to Hillary. She has so much more experience than Obama in this area. And Hillary wouldn’t have forgotten to replace the pillow behind his head.

      • Smokahontas

        No, hillary got mommed about all the murdering, and I wouldn’t doubt there would be SERIOUS side eye from the benevolent heiress if she got caught doing the murders again.

        SERIOUS side eye!
        *shiver*

    • But what if the black guy was Clarence Thomas? I mean, he’s always sneaking into Tony’s room. No one would suspect a thing?

      • PubOption

        Truly, a silent killer.

        • Zippy

          Silent but deadly

  • Are they looking for the one-armed man yet?

    • Nounverb911

      David Janssen libelZ!

  • BadKitty904

  • cousin itt

    I will never forget where I was when I heard the news of Scalia’s assassination.

    Just a coincidence you say?

    • Boojum

      I was nowhere near there.

      • guppy06

        And anybody who claims otherwise is dead to me!

  • Marceline

    I love the conspiracy theories that assume the “cover up” is about hiding his murder and not the equally plausible possibility that they needed to fly the rentboy out of the country, destroy his phone and burn the gimp suit Scalia died in.

    • I think the more likely conspiracy should be about how they got Clarence Thomas out of Scalia’s room without anyone noticing.

  • LesBontemps

    I’ll believe it only if the pillow was made of votes.

  • thewitchqueen74

    It was Obama with the heart attack gun in the conservatory!

    • BadKitty904

      I’m waiting for the cops to bring Ginsburg in for questioning…

  • guppy06

    We’re fools if we sit here in this season of treason

    Remember the Treason for the Season! Keep Guy Fawkes in Guy Fawkes Day!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    One silver lining here. Without the possibility of a 5-4 conservative decision, Congressional Republicans should be much more wary about filing lawsuits against Obama to get their way. Imagine the savings in legal fees if they don’t think they’re guaranteed a win.

  • BadKitty904

    As we enter the final stretch of the seemingly endless 2016 POTUS campaign, I’d say it’s time to invest in tinfoil stocks.

  • AnOuthouse

    If only Obama would have stopped shoving that high carbohydrate diet down Nino’s throat.

  • guppy06

    But like a Supreme Court Justice just last year told Matt Drudge at
    dinner, he said, “No, they told us they’re banning free speech next
    year; they’re coming after everybody and they’re going to come after us
    and it’s really dangerous, so you might want to get out of the country,”

    RBG likes fucking with people like that. She could very well be a secret Wonkette commenter.

  • “The real question is, why am I still alive?”

    Maybe we’re watched over by a malevolent god who takes delight in our suffering?

    Of course, the non-supernatural answer might be that you’re the false flag. Alex, I’m afraid the Illuminati has programmed you to be your own sleeper cell. Oh sure, what you’re speaking is the truth, but your handlers have made you spread that truth in such a bugfuck crazy lunatic fashion that everyone but your followers (are they really your followers?) thinks your a fat bloviator from some soulless pit in the bowels of Texas. The good news is that you’re completely safe…

    …as long as you continue to do a good job.

  • bluicebank

    You know, the wingnut has a point.

    Scalia was quail hunting that day. In Texas.

    Do you know who else hunted quail in Texas? And shot someone? In the face?

    Yeah. Scalia died of a heart attack?? Oh man, are you people naive.

    Let me share something with you people, if that’s your real name. Wait until the end, where we see the Zombie hiding in the shadows.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoXgRtDysLY

    • guppy06

      Do you know who else hunted quail in Texas?

      Lloyd Bentsen?

  • TheBidenator

    Yeah I’m sure Obama wanted to wait until cases affecting issues such as Obamacare, a decision we were all told he would lose by the media, gun control, climate change, voting rights and “Citizens, United” were all wingnutted into a fine fucking mess before disposing of the one shitheaded vote he would need to tip the scale in his direction…again, do these people do ANYTHING except lie? I’m really asking!

    • BadKitty904

      Since reality refuses to cooperate with the Teapublicans, I don’t think they have any other option but to lie. Over and over and over and over…

    • OctopiRage

      Drool? Paint with their own feces? Have a black friend? I got nothing.

    • Smokahontas

      They lay blame, point fingers, and also Dugger… but all with lies, so ya got me?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    But its nonconstitutional for a president to appoint a judge in his last year of office. Republicans said so!

    • Iam Reading

      It’s right there in the republican constitution. In invisible ink if you’re a Democrat.

  • BadKitty904

    If only Scaley had had a gun…

    • Ami

      You mean a “good guy with a gun”?

    • That’s right…he could have shot that heart attack right in the face.

      • BadKitty904

        Like a REAL Merkin!

  • Beulah

    While Scalia was pronounced dead “of natural causes”–or, alternatively, of a heart attack

    I see. So he may have died of natural causes or he may have died of the number one natural cause.

    • BadKitty904

      You can’t explain that.™

      • Beaumarchais?

        The cholesterol goes in, then it stays in, apparently.

        • H0mer0

          macrophages engulf the cholesterol particles then because the LDLs are too big to ingest, they self destruct and become a part of the plaque.

  • btwbfdimho

    If Scalia knew how to use (and abuse) the 2nd. Amendment, he’d probably be alive.

  • YourMom
    • YourMom

      Go ahead…you can say the name of the website out loud and then giggle.

    • Zippy

      http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/memoryalpha/images/a/a7/Spock_(mirror).jpg/revision/latest?cb=20090220220251&path-prefix=en

    • sillybill

      new bookmark. the comment section is seriously the funniest shit i’ve seen in years. tears coming out of my eyes as i choked on popcorn funny.

  • SpaceCaptainWarlock

    He was overweight and 79 years old and Italian… at a dinner party. Dude basically ate until his heart gave out. He probably should have avoided that last (POISON!!!!!11) cannoli.

    • BadKitty904

      But…But…But that theory won’t sell air time and galvanize our dim-witted base!!1!

    • btwbfdimho

      Too much Nut.tell.a.

    • chazmanr

      I am of Italian descent. Every male in my family develops heart issues beginning at 50 regardless of diet and exercise. Not one male on my father’s side (the Italian side) has even made it to 79. Grandfather, heart attack while helping out his younger brother who was recovering from a stroke at the time…age 75. The great uncle with the stroke, died a year later of a heart attack at 74. The youngest brother had his fatal heart attack at 77. My dad is 73, has high blood pressure and a heart arrhythmia in spite of spending an hour on the treadmill every day.

      • SpaceCaptainWarlock

        High blood pressure is a huge issue on the italian side of my family as well. And when you eat a big meal, blood pressure tends to spike. There’s no mystery around Scalia’s death. Fat, unhealthy italian guy dies at 79. And he was 100% italian. Both parents were Italian immigrants.

        • chazmanr

          Between my paternal grandmother being Swedish and Bohemian and my maternal grandparents being Swedish/English and English, I hope that I fare better. I am knocking on 50 and haven’t had issues yet…thankfully.

          • Courser

            I’m Norwegian, Scot & Native American and 57. Other than high blood pressure, which everyone in my family has, fat or thing, I have zero cardiac issues. My blood work is a thing of beauty. My dad is 82 and still going strong.

        • theCryptofishist

          OT–So this mediterranean diet thing is a crock?

          • SpaceCaptainWarlock

            Mediterranean diet (lots of olives and olive oil) is somewhat different than an Italian-American diet, which is mostly giant portions of pasta and cheese.

  • chicken thief

    Alex Jones is to Obama as Huckabee is to Clinton – the two that survived to tell the whole world what is happening! Clearly they are ‘The Chosen Ones’!!11!!

    • janecita

      Harry Potter libel!

      • H0mer0

        Ishmail libelz!

  • janecita

    Wake up Sheeple! I can’t believe that you guys have already forgotten, how that patriot, Ted Nugent, was assassinated, and then thrown in jail, for speaking against Obama!
    Second amendment, something, something, America!!!!!

    • lroom

      Needz moar umlauts.

      • theCryptofishist

        Umlauts are the spice of deranged rants.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    What my conspiracy theory-minded friends never think of is that it is just as likely that the right-wing killed Scalia, on purpose to cause a lot of trouble for Obama at exactly the wrong time, and then post a lot of conspiracy theory bullshit about it to arouse the wingnuts, as it would have been for Obama to do it. The Koch Brothers are entirely capable of devising such a plan. In fact, history books are full of such devious actions by political leaders. But no, this never occurs to the wingnuts.

  • orygoon

    Nino still had a pretty happy life, as far as I can tell, and probably didn’t want to die at all, but going with no pain or fear (my grandfather died in his sleep and looked pretty peaceful to me when I saw him the next morning–no contortions, nothing like that) has to be next-best to having another vacation day. That said, if he’s got consciousness hovering over us, he’s got to be reveling in the fuss and pother going on. Every damn bit of it. I didn’t like him, and thinking of him having this further triumph in death blows my mind–but it kind of cracks me up, too.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I like your use of the word “pother.” It’s just the kind of word that Scalia would dredge up for the occasion.

  • MAZS

    and to think not one of the balanced candidates had the bravery to mention this fact during Saturday’s debate. Ted–are you just a sheeple?

    • A Strange Banana

      He probably said something about it in Spanish, but couldn’t be heard over Trump yelling about immigrants.

  • Iam Reading

    I think it’s well past time to test the blood lead and mercury levels of all conservatives in this country. There is simply too much angry, stupid, and crazy to be explained by sheer ignorance.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’m pretty sure the color of the sky in Alex Jones’ world is a sickly shade of shit green.

    • OctopiRage

      Well, his run foil hat is getting sort of corroded from all the batshit leaking out…

    • Wassamatta U Alumnus

      Institution green?

      • Querolous

        My brother in law worked for the USFS when they had that sickly watered down split pea soup green. He told me that people would run their Jeep Cherokees thru the mud and leave it dried on as an improvement.

  • orygoon

    Babbies gets borned, oldz gets dead, who knows how or why?

    • subatomic

      Indeed, conservative science is amazing, in that it is based in the 14th century. Remember Bill O’Rielly explaining why the tides prove the existence of God, simply because he didn’t pass junior high science so it was a mystery?

    • chicken thief

      Beats the shit outta me!

      ~ Briz

  • malsperanza

    “they’re going to get that physical civil war they want” …

    say the people who defend the folks who actually, youknow, DID A CIVIL WAR.

    All together now: It’s Always Projection with These Folks.

  • Tubby Mousetrouser

    It’s obvious that Scalia was murdered by the teenage boy who was giving him an… um… “massage.” Yeah, that’s right—a massage.

  • Creepoman

    What really happened: Just like when a GI is killed in action, he has a designated buddy who goes through his locker and tosses out all the porn and drugs, so his family gets to retain a respectable image of their lost son. In this case, while the official cause of death is listed as a heart attack in his sleep, in unwrinkled PJs, he was actually found in a rubber suit with a belt around his neck, tied to a doorknob, surrounded by stacks of crush-porn photos.

    • H0mer0

      how does one not wrinkle their PJs or sheets? (I guess I’m just a wild sleeper only occasionally sharing my space with a ginger tabby.)

  • pragmatist3

    40 years ago I had a first floor office facing Pennsylvania Avenue at the Department of Justice. At Noon some nut job would stand at a phone booth and yell into the phone like he was talking to J. Edgar Hoover. He yelled for 3o minutes then left. I said to my older and wiser officemate that I was going to to call the cops. “No,” he said calmly. “If he can’t do this he might do something actually harmful.”
    So be it with Jones and Dead Breitbart. As long as they are masturbating, they are not molesting children.

    • Bad Granny

      Listen up, wisdom is nice and stuff, but don’t go being reasonable too often around here.

    • Courser

      I was hoping it turned out to be Scalia!!! oh well…

  • Brewerofbeers

    So, what if Scalia was one of Reagan’s last horcruxes and Obama destroyed it?

    • theCryptofishist

      Where do elite witches go to school in America?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I believe a number of our presidential candidates have appeared on Alex Jones’ show. America…fuck yeah!!

  • fergawdssakes

    Eventually, FOX will replace Hannity with Alex or else MSNBC will begin a Morning Jones show once Joe is heart attacked off the air.
    More truthers will be coming to prime time as the seas rise and storms escalate.

  • malsperanza

    You have to feel a small sadz for the wingnuts. Ten years ago they had the SCOTUS, they had the White House, AND they had a GOP majority in both houses of Congress.

    And STILL they couldn’t get abortion and Islam banned, Christianity made into the state religion, homosexuality re-outlawed, a war in Iran started, or climate science silenced.

    Now, a decade later, gay marriage is legal, abortion is still mostly kinda legal (especially the privately administered nonsurgical kind), we have a honking big treaty with Iran, AND they are one SCOTO away from losing or RE-losing on abortion, gun control, prayer in schools, Citizens United, the militarization of police departments, the abuse of immigrants, and a host of other matters.

    Talk about missed opportunities. One might almost think the GOP were not competent at governing.

    • LarkintheAM

      Or that the people who control the GOP are using it to rabblerouse and don’t really give a damn about the wingnutz social agenda. But they aren’t competent at governing either.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “I’m not the guy with the original info.”

    Actually, yes you are, Alex. This crap is original with you.
    So, be afraid.

    • Smokahontas

      Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean They’re NOT out to get you! Consider the implications of that one, Alex!

  • chicken thief

    Only in America would a shit stain like Alex Jones be allowed to have a radio show.

    BTW, Alex, if Obama is the murderer then every member of the House and Senate are complicit in the crime by not impeaching him.

    • malsperanza

      Free speech: it’s cheaper than Insult Night a comedy club.

  • Jason M

    I hope stupidity is painful.

    • vivian

      Sadly only to the receivers, not the transmitter.

  • Rick Hill

    Thing is, he’s 100% correct. Obama did the same thing to Scalia that he did to Breitblast.

    • Ducksworthy

      Logic. How does that work?

  • Vegan and Tiara

    You know what the smartest part of Obama’s wickedly evil plan was? He managed to kill Scalia while he was vacationing at a ritzy private ranch, surrounded by 40 wealthy Texas republican couples. I’m just trying to figure out how a black president snuck onto a ranch, and murdered Scalia, without drawing attention to himself. Maybe he sent some CIA operatives who had been planted in Texas decades ago, posing as a wealthy Texas couple, just for this purpose. Very clever! I know there’s no possible way that a 79 year old chubby guy had a heart attack, that’s just unpossible.

    • malsperanza

      Pfft. It was the bartender. You don’t remember this?

      Same operative.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU9V6eOFO38&feature=iv&src_vid=XnB0NZzl5HA&annotation_id=annotation_786897

      • Vegan and Tiara

        So Jimmy Carter’s grandson killed Scalia? Finally Carter gets his payback for being a one termer.

    • Biff52

      40 couples? That just means 80 suspects!

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Don’t you see that EVERYBODY has an alibi, Biff???? Isn’t it all a little too perfect?

        • Biff52

          Hmm. Maybe it was one of those famous key parties I’ve heard about!

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Great! Now I have an image of a naked Scalia, and I feel nauseous.

    • chicken thief

      This is jes like ‘who shot JR?’ only FOR REALZ!!1!!!

      • Mintie

        Except I don’t want to come back after a summer hiatus and find out he’s still alive. No offense to my fellow Wonketeers with souls.

    • theCryptofishist

      And where was Seal Team Six?

      • Beaumarchais?

        Out drinking with the Secret Service?

        • Courser

          Prolly in a whorehouse with the Sekrit Severices.

    • LarkintheAM

      Obummer and his time machine strike again!

  • elpinche

    Alex Jones, that fuckin guy and the yarns he weaves. Here’s my favorite Jones psychotic rant:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BKzuzjjCro

    • malsperanza

      Wow. I never actually watched this guy. What’s wrong with his voice?

      “Pentagon theoritizing” FTW.

      • elpinche

        All those years of drinking paint thinner is my guess.

    • Courser

      Why are all those guys fat, disgusting, white fucks? Rush, Alex, Gingrich… Glenn Beck…

  • btwbfdimho

    The gayz did it. acccording to the Westboro Baptist Church.

    • Biff52

      Tucker ain’t gonna like that swimsuit model.

      • chicken thief

        Tucker will claim he doesn’t like that swimsuit model.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Does that mean that they won’t protest at Scalia’s funeral? That hardly seems consistent with their established practices.

  • “One death is a tragedy; one million is a statistic.”
    – Joseph Stalin

  • malsperanza

    Alito did it. How come Scalia got all the attention?

  • Smokahontas

    Unwrinkled bedsheets, huh? Given extensive experience with jiggery pokery I can state with confidence that jiggery pokery unfailing results in wrinkled bedsheets, which leaves only one possible culprit…Applesauce! !!! Thanks Obama! !!!1!11

  • Joshua Norton

    BREAKING: OBAMA STILL PRESIDENT!. MORE ON THIS TRAGEDY AS IT DEVELOPS.

  • Ergoetal

    OK. Actually, *I* killed him. Sorry to say, but true. I called him that night and started singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.” He cried out – said he was putting a pillow over his head. Little did I know. The man had taste.

  • Michael Smith

    Um, I think its pretty obvious why Obama had to wait until now to make his move on Scalia.

    He couldn’t do it while Bowie and Glen Frey were alive. Even Obama isn’t that savage. But after they were gone, it was only a matter of time.

    • theCryptofishist

      Now that Bowie’s dead, the graveyards are going to be full.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Get that “Forensic Files” tee vee show on the case; they’ll get to the bottom of it.

  • Bad Granny

    Thing is, he wasn’t killed sooner because we killed Clarence Thomas years ago but nobody noticed.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Not even Thomas!

      • H0mer0

        you mean Ginny?

  • urgelt

    Jones – and not only Jones, but his loyal, rabid wingnut fans – believes a new civil war is coming.

    Only problem: the right wing establishment doesn’t want one. The Chamber of Commerce doesn’t want one. Most Christian churches don’t want one. The Republican presidential candidates don’t want one. The Democrats – split as they are between progressives and corrupt business-as-usual politicians – don’t want one. The US military doesn’t want one. The Green party, Black Lives Matter, the ACLU, the National Rifle Association, the insurance lobby, the Supreme Court justices, drug manufacturers and distributors both legal and illegal, Pizza Hut, Microsoft, Apple, Alphabet, Oracle, the League of Women Voters, the NCAAP, the mafia, the National Security Deep State… none of them wants one.

    What if they held a civil war, and nobody came? Would it even make the 6:00 news?

    • vivian

      That was last week in Oregon.

      • urgelt

        Point taken. The media will sensationalize anything.

        • Beaumarchais?

          A barrel of flaming dildos does not need much sensationalizing.

    • chicken thief

      Oh, ya? Then how Barry gonna crown hisself King of the World?! GOTCHA with that one, didn’t I!!!!

      • urgelt

        Wounded to the quick!

        Where is my quick, anyway?

        Maybe we ought to leave that one alone.

    • harryr

      “What if they held a civil war, and nobody came?” – Isn’t that pretty much what just happened in Oregon?

      • Asmodeuskraemer

        I want this on a T-shirt. Or zip up hoodie.

      • urgelt

        Might could be that was what they hoped to accomplish.

        Might could be an overreach to call it ‘holding a civil war.’

  • Biff52

    Yo, Alex?

    You’re next.
    //B. Barry Bamz

    • Bad Granny

      Let me translate that into wingnut for you!

      Your next.

      B Barry HUSSEIN Bamz.

      • H0mer0

        La Tache Noire?

      • cat cafe

        Hard to top “Hope that Helps” (FB page that poses as corporate customer service and trolls asshole customers complaining about, you know, ads that feature gay families)…. someone posted some idiot attack on Obama, and they answered from the FB account of “President B-Rock “The Islamic Shock” Hussein SuperAllah Obama”… genius.

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      From Frisky Dingo (sorta): “What makes you think you’re even on his radar?”

      Seriously, Alex? You think you’re 2nd on the list after a Supreme? Wow. Just wow.

  • paltroony

    Actually there WAS a conspiracy. All the sane, rational people in America thought the same thought at the same time: this fuckhead has to go! My Favorite Martian up there in high earth orbit caught the vibe and acted accordingly. Case closed.

  • ipmala

    Obama….the Mother F**ker….had Scalia KILLED. The next one Obama will go after is Justice Clarence Thomas…the last Conservative on the Court. Mother f**ker Obama wants to load the Supreme Court with Liberal judges….before he leaves office.

    • Bad Granny

      Pretty brilliant the way he waited until McConnell was in control of the Senate. Liberals are so devious!

      • Oblios_Cap

        One on the nuts of Facebook told me O’Bummer was coming to take my guns. When I replied that I was unaware of any such demand, he went insane. I still haven’t been told to turn in my piece yet.

        • Bad Granny

          He’s only got eleven months left, he better get to confiscating already. Those guns aren’t going to seize themselves.

          • theCryptofishist

            “Those guns aren’t going to seize themselves.”
            So poetic. There should be a tee-shirt.

        • Bad Granny

          Now that I think of it, they haven’t even been around to count grandpa’s weapons yet, much less demand he surrender them.

    • jmhm

      Yeah, Obama must have been having a really, really early senior moment back on when he was on the Judiciary Committee and didn’t make any particular effort to keep Alito off the Court because centrism.

      • Bad Granny

        None of your historical facts sir!

    • Slithytoves

      You’re one loopy character. Try taking the bag off your head; it’s cutting off your oxygen supply.

      • Playonwords

        No, no no! he didn’t have Scalia killed he retargetted the teleportation device that took him to Mars for his CIA indoctrination, and teleported all the oxygen out of the room.

    • SJLAW

      Agreed! Scalia was the picture health–79, practically a baby! So fit too–under that layer of supple luxurious fat was the body of an 25 year old and under that another 25 year old! He had another 50 years in him! Only the good die young! RIP Justice Scalia you were ripped from us too soon. I’m glad he died doing something he loved–exercising his 2nd Amendment right, killing defenseless creatures, fancily–what a life! You made Xenu proud!

      • Courser

        Actually, I suspect Scalia, wherever he ended up, would be pretty damn happy to die so peacefully. Take the killing birds part out and I know I’d be pretty damn happy.

        • HanBarbara

          Yep, my Dad passed the same way-while taking an afternoon nap. No cancer treatments, no surgery, no old peoples home. The sad thing was at 67 he was a relatively young man, but his overall health had not been good.

    • Beaumarchais?

      You forgot Alito! Everyone always forgets Alito!!1!

      • JurisGal

        Scalia, Scalia, Scalia! ( said like Jan Brady)

    • TheBidenator

      It’s okay, it’s okay….there’s plenty of fun to be had in the day room my wingnut chum. First let’s get you some thorazine and then some Seroquel to get those voices to quiet down. Then we’ll get you a nice blanket and you can relax in the day room…

    • Biff52

      Fuck, you’re on to us.

      Abort! Abort!

    • HanBarbara

      I thought he was too indecisive and cowardly to ever do anything. Can you people please make up your mind?

    • LarkintheAM

      Is this a new entry into the wingnut stylebook? All the ellipses….it’s almost poetry…. and the modesty stars also,too….it’s almost as if he doesn’t know that here on Wonkette you can just come out with Mother (capitalized, too!) fucker when you are accusing the President of murdering a Supreme Court justice….how CUTE.

    • doktorzoom

      I just wanted to let you know that we don’t have a profanity filter here, so you can curse as much as you want to.

      Or you could, if you hadn’t been banhammered, tra-la, tra-la.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    He thinks Ron Paul is a possible target? Does anyone on the left give two shakes about Ron Paul these days?

    • bobbert

      Is he still alive?

    • Bahhhdman

      No. And those of the non-Left are too busy vaping and adjusting their fedoras.

    • kareemachan

      Who?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    We suppose we could point out that if Barack Obama truly were such a murderous demon, he could just as well have knocked off Scalia in his first term, guaranteeing fewer challenges….

    I believe the Constitution prohibits a President from bumping of a Supreme Court person in the first six years of his administration on account of “We the People.”

    I also believe that Scalia was pecked to death by a canary in a coal mine. It’s just common sense. Wake up, SHEEPLE!

    • cat cafe

      Everyone knows the President can’t bump off a Supreme Court person in an election year!

  • Bahhhdman

    Right, because Scalia was the picture of health. Dude has looked like a walking heart attack for the past thirty years.

  • Gerald Parks

    I saw this quote and it is so appropriate ..”In your guts ..you know he is nuts!!!!!”

    Haaahaahhhha …..

  • chicken thief

    Alex should phone Charlie and have his Angels get right on this! They always figured this shit out and even also too had pokies while solving the case in an hour!!!

    • More cold bodies!

    • Doug Langley

      Don’t get me started about that fumbling Columbo who needs 90 minutes and sometimes two hours to crack a case.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Professor Plum in the bedroom with a pillow.

    • theCryptofishist

      Why did Scalia invite Plum into his room. This is eleventy dimensional…

  • Secret Service Agent Kerney to President Lisa Simpson: Come on, every president gets three secret murders. If you don’t use them by the end of the term, then pfft, they’re gone.

    Once again, The Simpsons predicts the future!

  • jesuswasablack

    “This whole hammer gets fully dropped, I’ll be long gone before then”

    Gee Alex what should I do now, I’ll bet it’s time to order survival shield X-2, Leading the way into the next generation of super high quality nascent
    iodine, the new Infowars Life Survival Shield X-2 is now here!!!!!!

  • SJLAW

    Yeah as a former professional assassin for CIA, FBI and HBO I regularly left the pillow over the marks face, it’s like a calling card.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I hear an Ace of Spades should be left on the chest.

      • therblig

        who did obama send the newspaper wrapped fish to?

        • fka_donnie_d

          A british person? With some fries chips?

      • Doug Langley

        If it’s the queen of diamonds, we’ve got big trouble.

  • jesuswasablack

    You know he found in his bed dead, I mean when does that ever happen, It’s just obvious that Obummer had him murdered, Glen BecKKK is probably next!

    • TheBidenator

      Yes but will we ever find out about what happened to that young woman Glenn Beck allegedly murdered in the back of his van in 1990?

  • kaw143

    You know, I sleep with a pillow over my head, and I almost always wake up the next day. Then again, I’m in total agreement with our Muslim-in-Chief-for-Life, so PROOF HE WAS MURDERED!

    • Smokahontas

      That happened to me this morning! !!!! False 200 thread count pillowcase operation if I’ve ever seen one!!!

  • kaw143

    Have you ever noticed that it is the democrats who always “want” a civil war, but it is never a lone democrat shooting up a church for the expressed reason of starting a civil war, or a group of armed democratic militants taking over a bird sanctuary to encourage the rest of the country to take up arms against the corrupt US government?

  • hugo von wink

    if he was really murdered, wouldn’t they have taken the pillow off of his head before leaving the room?

    let’s dispel with the notion that barack obama is a skillled murderer.

    • JoeChristmas

      He’s a feckless assassin.

      • hugo von wink

        i believe i once heard a made up stalin quote about feckless assassins. so it all checks out.

        • theCryptofishist

          Did you hear the idiomatic translation about omelets?

          • H0mer0

            omelet that slide….

            (I’ll let myself out.)

      • Gary Charound

        Oh please. Obama has feck to spare. He leaves a trail of feck wherever he goes. Feck and reck all over the place.

        • Playonwords

          To which the only real response (to quote Father Jack) is

          Feck! Booze! Girls!

          Ahhhh! No Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!

          • LarkintheAM

            I love you.

        • SnarkOff

          I thought he had no more fecks to give.

    • Playonwords

      But … But… But …

      He Knows What He’s Doing!!!11!!!11!!111! Eleventy-one

  • JoeChristmas

    Why didn’t Obama make the call??!?
    What did Killary know and when did she know it??!?

    • kareemachan

      Oh fuck, how many “committees’ are we going to have to hear about on this?

      Benghazi wasn’t bad enough….

      • 451 Byrnes

        Committees are the new fillibuster.

  • Far greater wingnuts believe people in power don’t conspire to keep and increase it. History is a ledger of 1 conspiracy after another. Wake the fuck up.

    • jmhm

      and how you know they’re conspiracies? Is nobody ever found out about them, except all those people who died of ‘natural causes.’

      A lot of people have died of ‘natural causes.’ Some people think it’s the _leading cause of death_

      • theCryptofishist

        Does anyone else hear the ghost of an almost voiced “sheeple”?

    • Playonwords

      And your evidence …?

      Oh, sorry you don’t deal in evidence only what is obvious to your particular set of fantasies

    • SnarkOff

      TEACH THE CONTROVERSY

    • TheBidenator

      Such as….? Also, there is a confederacy of dunces trying to make Alex Jones and Ron Paul look smart by being morans. So we do have that conspiracy going….

  • 6thgenTexan

    Here’s my theory. Let’s spread it. That ahole knew he was dying from some smoke related disease. Takes up this invite from Poindexter so dumba$$es could google him and learn he was a felon (wrong guy but who car

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      I dunno. I think he would’ve retired if an R was POTUS. I think he felt his was a Defender of The Dim Right Wing, and had to hang on until his successor could be installed.

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        It’s a fun story, though. Run with it.

        • 6thgenTexan

          Thanks. I did on Brietbarf. They’re all confused now. Someone actually posted if he did kill himself this way it was because he was a true patriot and would take down Obama.

          • JustDon’tSayDittos

            Especially confusing now that instead of cremation, he’s lying “in repose” in the SC today.

    • Courser

      Please, he was an old, out of shape, obese guy. He stomped through the fields for a couple of hours, fired his shotgun a few times, and felt tired. Laid down with a pillow over his face (I used to do that when I had migrains) and didn’t wake up.

      Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh, HUGE mystery….

      • 6thgenTexan

        You know I’m kidding right? Don’t let the Texan in my name confuse you. I live in Austin oh wait so does Alex and Glen

        • Courser

          Sorry if I sounded angry. I wasn’t taking you seriously.

    • HazooToo

      “Oh shit, I’m dying! Welp… time to frame Obama!”

  • steve083672r7

    What a piece of shit article.

    How do you know he wasn’t murdered by someone? Pillow over face. Bed completely unwrinkled. No autopsy.

    I’m not a “conspiracy theorist” whatsoever, but something is fishy about this.

    • Grokenstein

      Welcome, everyone, to the new “I’m not racist, but.”

      • SnarkOff

        I can’t believe he would do this again after being fired from Olive Garden.

      • TheBidenator

        Same as the old “I’m not a racist, but”.

    • kareemachan

      Wow, another “but’ rears its ugly head.

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        iswydt

    • TheBidenator

      Because he was 79 years old and had health problems you dumb shit….he’s lucky he didn’t keel over in the middle of a hearing. That’s how it happens…

      • SnarkOff

        Then why is Ruth Bader Ginsburg still alive when she is THREE YEARS OLDER than Alito!!11!!! Huh? HOW?? Because she’s a liberal, that’s why!!!

        • TheBidenator

          Thanks, Obama!!!111!!!!!!

      • Capt.Jim

        If he had not been gay sexing them other hunters in a coke fueled orgy fest and the baybee Jeebus still wanted him alive he would be

    • Playonwords

      No, dear of course you’re not a conspiracy theorist.

      Now its time for your thorazine.

      • Querolous

        A steve083672r7 comment on WND.

        “White fatigue.”

        Like “White flight,” white fatigue describes a
        reaction of White people to black crime and violence. It’s also a
        response to institutional racial policies that intentionally punish
        White people.

        White people are tired of being labeled ‘racist.’
        They are weary of hateful black-on-White violence going unchecked. White
        people are tired of watching entire cities, such as Detroit, collapse
        when the White infrastructure is removed only to have blight blamed on
        external causes.

        They are weary of Somali immigrants gravitating
        towards violent crime. They are fed up with historical revisionism that
        ignores overt black complicity to slavery. They are tired of being lied
        to and tired of pretending the lies are true.

        White people are
        tired of the TSA monitoring harmless little old white ladies at airport
        terminals while the real terror is plaguing our neighborhoods. It’s
        actually safer to get on an airliner than to enter a convenience store
        in many cities. Yet law enforcement is concentrated at the airport.

        White
        people are tired of EBT cards and black farmers claiming huge
        settlements from White taxpayers. They are tired of historical symbols,
        such as the Confederate flag, being demonized. They are weary of a
        racist Attorney General who is looking out for ‘my people’ rather than
        upholding the Constitution. They are increasingly tired of Barack Obama.

        White
        people are fatigued by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and the New Black
        Panther Party. They are tired of the media giving them a pass. They are
        tired of obnoxious black patrons who refuse to tip, then hurl claims of
        racism when service is substandard. They are weary of being told that
        diversity is a strength.

        There is a weariness among White people
        of being passed over for jobs, promotions and education to satisfy
        Affirmative Action. They are tired of entrance exams being dumbed down
        to accommodate those who could not compete. They are frustrated by the
        self-censoring media that often refuses to provide racial profiling of
        even the most violent of criminals. They are tired of their kids being
        subjected to physical and sexual abuse on school buses and in schools
        while society turns a politically-correct blind eye.

        White people
        are suffocated by historical revisionism being served in cinema via Red
        Tails, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Help and a host of other Hollywood
        productions. They are tired of being saddled with White guilt, White
        privilege and White racism. They are tired of their monumental
        contributions to civilization being overlooked and their culture being
        overrun.

        They grow fatigued when White people, like George
        Zimmerman and Darren Wilson, are subjected to a flurry of black fists
        only to be called ‘racist’ for having the audacity to defend themselves.

        The list can (and does) go on.Call
        it what you will, ne5ro fatigue or White fatigue. Either way it
        describes an awakening of White Americans to the menace of black crime
        and to the silliness of pretending it doesn’t exist

        • LarkintheAM

          He seems nice.

        • Playonwords

          Ah, the sweet* smell of racist bullshit and bowel voiding terror of the loss of privilege.

          +++++++++++++++++++++++
          * “Sweet is a comparative term, terms and conditions apply. Damage to clue-bats not covered by product warranty and abdominal strain from laughter and retching may be experienced. Inexperienced liberals may be at risk of loosing their lunch, their equanimity and their computer displays.

        • H0mer0

          “They grow fatigued when White people, like George
          Zimmerman and Darren Wilson, are subjected to a flurry of black fists
          only to be called ‘racist’ for having the audacity to defend themselves.”

    • veska

      Don’t be stupid. A conspiracy theory could have MAYBE been plausible a year ago. But at this point, the Senate is going to drag their feet over anyone Obama nominates as the next justice until the elections are over.

    • Blender_415

      Heh. Does Elizabeth Warren have an alibi? There’s always been something a little disconcerting about her, with all her “logic” and “reason” and “caring about the middle class.” Mosdef the murderizing type…

    • SnarkOff

      Steve, just pull your tinfoil hat a little more tightly around your ears. That should do it.

    • Skeptique

      79 years old, longtime smoker, obese, in stressful job, lays down to take a nap, has heart attack — it’s not exactly an uncommon medical finding, yo. The only thing fishy about it is that people are so dang eager to make up reasons why it can’t be what it is… which is an OLD DUDE DYING BECAUSE HE iS OLD AND HAS SOME FACTORS PREDISPOSING TO HEART DISEASE.

      And it was pillow “over his head” NOT “over his face” because, dumbass, people lying down who have a pillow propped up against the head board of the bed and press their head against it have a pillow “over their head” without any significant health issues.

    • Left Coast Tom

      What an…”interesting” “observation”. So tell me…if someone is making extraordinary claims, who’s supposed to bear the burden of proof?

    • Brianna Amoré

      I often nap with a pillow over my head. It blocks out light and sound. It’s not an uncommon practice.

    • HazooToo

      See you next Sunday!

    • Zhu Bajie

      79 year old over-weight man has heart attack! So suspicious!

  • Grokenstein

    Man, Obama better heart attack Alex before he goes too far.

    • Hollyinla

      I was wondering why murderous murderer Obama didn’t think to silence Alex before he stuffed that pillow on Scalia’s face. If he had thought this out, nobody would even know he had taken out the judge.

  • Vienna Woods

    OT but I just saw this posting on the freelance writing site I just started on:
    US Christian Patriot SEO Article Writer Wanted for 15 Articles on Survival & Preparedness

    I am SO tempted to apply for it. The damage I could do…

    • SnarkOff

      Guns Obama Guns Patriot Liberty Government Guns Liberal Conspiracy Guns Second Amendment Freedom Guns Rights Guns

    • bill

      Do it. See how far you can push the bat-guano.

      • Ducksworthy

        There’s lots of water in fresh elephant poo. Of course, we can’t trust Bear now that he and the Kenyan have said the glaciers are melting.

    • TheBidenator

      Go for it and if you need help and suggestions with your Poe, we will all be happy to help out to feast on the article comments.

    • DutchS

      Best thing I ever saw was an article by some Ranger type on survival. I expected to end up with a puddle of testosterone in my lap. What he actually said was “YOU have fun eating roots and grubs and sleeping in your Mylar blanket. I’M going to have a hot shower and a steak dinner in the restaurant because I’m not going to get lost.” He knows how to read a map and keep track of where he is. As someone who worked with maps for a living, I thought this was one of the best articles ever.

      Seriously, if you can walk across a park without getting lost or handle a sharp tool without losing any body parts, you can probably do it.

  • JParkerSD46

    Jeezuz H. Cracker, why are these people allowed to walk around? It’s bad enough that Jones, Pollack and the other dipshits with access to computers spout this nonsense, but it’s worse knowing there are people, lots of them, who buy into it. What a f’d up bunch. This country truly does have a major mental illness crisis.

    • gingerland62

      They are exactly the people who shouldn’t own weapons. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. The Bundy’ s and their counter parts will now really have their guns taken when they become convicted felons, and their vote, too. Welcome to America’ s criminal justice system boys.

  • Okay, I admit it: It was our battalion of Marxist ex-Disney princesses that did it, and Cinderella Guevara was one of the ringleaders.

    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      I heard that Skeletor stole Wonder Woman’s invisible jet to help the assasssin make his escape. Because reasons!!!11!!

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        Well, that’s the only thing that makes sense.

    • Left Coast Tom

      I thought it was Twilight Sparkle?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Nobody has asked if there was a bowl of oranges on the coffee table in his suite.

    • H0mer0

      or made anything of his being heard muttering about “the speckled band.”

  • middleclassman1

    Let me join the crazy talk. Poindexter hid the cocaine and young male prostitutes before calling the feds.

  • ryp

    More Obama incompetence. He couldn’t even remember to put the pillow back under Scalia’s head when he was done.

    • Mr Corrections

      probably he was planning to use that damn time machine to clean up afterwards & forgot

  • Antimassacree

    To think if Reagan hadn’t shuttered so many of the country’s mental institutions Alex Jones might have been able to get the help he so clearly needs many years ago.

    • DutchS

      Sorry, but that was a truly bipartisan f***up. Liberals were all for ending the “warehousing” of the mentally ill (at least warehouses keep things out of the rain). They wanted to “confront society with the reality of mental illness.” Consider yourselves confronted. Their plan was small group homes scattered throughout the community. Uh-huh. How’d that work out for you? Conservatives, of course, simply wanted to take the money.

      • TheBidenator

        Outpatient care, and it works….maybe if you’d bothered to actually read about this before condemning it. The problem isn’t outpatient care because asylum’s at their height were basically there to store unwanted people more than the insane. The problem is that the services were cut, outpatient care works wonders when you have access to it but thanks to Republicans there is limited to no access.

        Oh and liberals didn’t come up with outpatient care for people with mental health issues- doctors did. Advances in understanding cognitive/behavioral illness coupled with medications and understanding the value of normalcy played a major part in shuddering asylums. Then there was the cruel abuse- physical, mental and sexual that went on inside asylums so if you’re saying liberals are responsible for this then I am proud of liberals for it.

  • Mavenmaven

    OH, come on, be realistic, everyone knows HILLARY did it. To cover her future indictment, just like she did Benghazi!!!

    • Mr Corrections

      Yeah right – if you believe that Hillary and Obama are actually “different people”, you CIA shill

  • Scooby

    Impure applesauce

  • bill

    “My gut tells me they killed him and all the intellectual evidence lays it out … what does your gut tell you?” – Alex Jones

    In my guts, I know you’re nuts!

    • Brianna Amoré

      That’s the problem with Alex Jones. Everything comes from his gut rather than his brain. And we all know that the contents of one’s guts either emerges into the world as vomit, or as shit. And both are foul smelling.

      I’ll stick to my brains, thank you Alex.

      • Zhu Bajie

        Because he keeps his brain in his lower intestine!

  • bill

    Obama is competent enough to secretly have Scalia taken out, yet Alex Jones still lives. Riddle me that.

    • cat cafe

      Yes, exactly what I was thinking. And Fox News still airs.

    • therblig

      he’s playing star trek chess while america plays checkers. wake up sheeple!!

  • Left Coast Tom

    I can see why the Texas GOP is officially opposed to critical thinking…none of these assholes would have an audience.

  • TheBidenator

    hahaahhahaahaha Alex Jones said ‘intellectual evidence” referring to his own crazy rantings….hahahaaha I can’t stop laughing! :falls out chair:

  • Capt.Jim

    Oh hell lets get it right Obama used his black magic chocolate mojo death star drone complete with led heart stoppage jolter to blow Scalias heart up.But the real kicker is he had this thing dropped of in Texas last summer while the Jade Helm was being done and these rubes are none the smarter.But dont worry Trump is not next that will be the guy what called Obama the pussy on the teevee or Turtle McConnell aint decided on that yet he is super busy keeping them Bundy fucks in jail but dont be surprised if a coal mine falls on Turtle next week cause the black assassin is pissed

  • Marla

    Jone$ is the textbook definition of a schizotypal personality disorder. Why this site choose to waste its energy on him is beyond me.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Jones is a lot like a little mouse with one of its’ legs mangled.

      We’re just kittens here…

  • chimichanga

    An angry, overweight, sedentary workaholic… Had to be foul play.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      But he was ONLY 79 years old!

      • Quercus

        A whippersnapper!

        • fifthdentist

          Sure seems like there was some jiggery-pokery and pure applesauce involved.

    • RepubAnon

      It’s the Chik-Fil-A gift cards we’ve been sending Scalia, as well as the all-you-can-eat Chicken Alfredo coupons… Fiendish.

      Next, we start sending Clarence Thomas boxes of cigars…

  • Brianna Amoré

    At what point to we consider Jones’ rants to be seditious? He’s basically advocating for open civil war if the GOP don’t get their way.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Insanity. He’d plead insanity — correctly.

  • Paul

    Are people actually still listening to this retarded twat?

    • Zhu Bajie

      His rhetoric is entertaining, in the tent-revivalist mode. Taking what he says seriously, though, is a sign of mental illness or retardation.

    • MarkM

      “No one in this world, so far as I know — and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me — has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.”
      H.L. Mencken

      • Invidosa

        Well, that just peed in my cornflakes *sigh* I hate humans.

    • Lord-Nash

      Just us, so we can laugh at him.

  • Paul

    What does my gut tell me? It’s telling me that you’re a fucking retard, Alex.

  • Last Hussar

    Important information for any Patriotic American Republicans reading this libtard rubbish.
    Obama will seize our guns on the 8th of November 2016. Barricade yourself indoors all day, and do not engage with any federal organisation.

    • ryp

      Thanks for the tip.

    • Quercus

      Don’t bother coming out on November 9th. You don’t want to take any chances. Best to stay barricaded until the end of time.

  • kaydenpat

    Watch your backs, Rethugs.

    P.S. So this is what we can expect for Secretary Clinton or Senator Sanders when one of them becomes President? Every time a Rightwinger dies, will we have to hear conspiracies about how he or she was murdered by the sitting Democratic President? Sigh.

    • John Smith

      Vince Foster libelz!

  • LegionOfDo

    I was checking out one of the threads on Dead Breitbart (because trainwreck), and almost everyone there was frothing with conspiracy theories. The most reasonable voice there turned out to be a Trump supporter. I think I’ve had my fill.

    • OneDemin EOr

      Thanks for taking one for the team!

      • LegionOfDo

        You are welcome! And don’t worry about me, I’m only two or three more showers away from feeling clean again.

  • toomanyrappers

  • DaveM

    If Obama was as much of a dictator or as Machiavellian as they say, most of the people like Alex Jones and his entourage or Rush Limpbag would have been shall we say detained for mental evaluation years ago. None of that happened. That pretty much shuts down that conspiracy theory. A lot of these talking heads spew absolute bullshit just to make a dollar. They are in the business of frightening people who are already frightened. It keeps the money flowing to them and Jones or Limpbag don’t give a shit about those frightened people. They only give a shit about how to support the life style they have become accustomed to. They get poor people to vote for billionaires who do not give a flying shit about them. Vote Republican and keep getting trickled on courtesy of Ronald Reagan. But they got the guns. I hope they can eat .223 ammo and pay the electric bill with it.

    • DutchS

      Funny how the economy is on the brink of collapse but they’ll accept all your soon to be worthless fiat money.

      • TheBidenator

        Based upon what indicators, exactly?

        • Lord-Nash

          Probably the national debt, blah blah blah, social programs will leave us destitute yadda yadda.

          • fifthdentist

            That’s why it was important to extend $600 billion — with a “B” — in tax cuts to the mostly well-off last year and why it’s necessary to increase military spending dramatically for next year’s budget.
            If Republicans first, big, main concern was the national debt — as they claim but always forget when they’re in total control of spending — they would not have extended $600 billion in tax cuts to people who for the most part don’t need them.

      • Max Newman

        Dutchs, You took off the tin foil hat didn’t you? As soon as you took off the hat the mind control signals altered you brain permanently. You have now been co-opted by the Illuminati and now you can never be sure that anything you think or see can be truly your own thoughts . Your name has been added to rank of the mind altered traitors to the human race and you will never be granted access to the secret knowledge again.

      • DaveM

        You say the economy is on the brink of collapse. Can you explain that? I have not seen it yet you seem very certain. I would very much like to know. The stock market continues it’s up and down movements but I see no sign of collapse. Currencies around the world are subject to fluctuation. I see no collapse. If you have some numbers to back up your claim you should put them out. I deal in numbers and facts, using them to reach a logical conclusion, there is no conclusion to be drawn from your statement because it contains no information. It only contains an opinion.

    • fifthdentist

      And they allow their advertisers to prey further on the paranoid by pushing gold — because inflation — and things like, “You can make $4,300 a month for life from the government just by watching my video. Hurry before it’s banned.”

      • DaveM

        Adverts come under the protection of the first amendment. You know that freedom of speech thing. Unless of course they lie and then one has legal recourse. But you have to prove it in court.

        • fifthdentist

          “Unless they lie.”
          You mean the one about the reason the RAF defeated the German air onslaught was because British had superior eyesight because they at this “one superfood”?
          Do you even for one second believe that, because if you did, you’re the kind of suckers — er, people — they’re looking for.
          That is an example of an ad that wasn’t one placed there on the side on the site, it was an actual mailing directly from the site.
          Because obviously the British didn’t win the Battle of Britain due to superior tactics, use of radar to concentrate forces against the Luftwaffe and just fighting their Limey asses off because they were fighting for the very life of their country.
          And actually the Brits were on the ropes until they staged a raid of Berlin. If the Germans had kept up their tactics of targeting air bases and fighting a war of attrition, they would have won.
          But Hitler, angered that his capital city had been targeted, ordered all-out bombing of English cities. This respite allowed the RAF to rebound as their air combat infrastructure was no longer being targeted.
          It certainly wasn’t because the pilots ate a goddamn vegetable or fruit or whatever the fucking bullshit the advertisers were pushing. Now, was it?

    • Lord-Nash

      “If Obama was as much of a dictator or as Machiavellian as they say, most
      of the people like Alex Jones and his entourage or Rush Limpbag would
      have been shall we say detained for mental evaluation years ago.”

      True, but Jones and Limbaugh would just say Obama lets them run free because to do otherwise would PROVE his dictator agenda.

      I’m pretty sure any dictator out there didn’t give a shit who knew he was a dictator.

    • Robyn Ryan

      feudal kingdoms aren’t built overnight. First you need a population of peasants. So you sabotage public education. Instead, teach them superstitious clap trap and loyalty to a blood thirsty god. Then you need to make them criminals, so piss tests and credit scores all around. Steal public resources to make them dependent on a handful of overlords who control access to food, education, electricity, transportation and medicine.

      Voila! Peasants to peasants in three generations.

  • TeeRaak
    • MarkM

      Whoooah!

    • William_C_Diaz

      Actually, air is poisonous to pretty much every organism and that it is currently thought that the reason why animals under caloric restriction live longer is because of the decrease in lung surface area.

      True story!

      Have a great day!

      • TeeRaak

        False story.

        There’s no evidence air is poisonous.

        There’s no evidence caloric restriction extends human lifespans. Anorexia causes malnutrion, which damages your organs.

        Theories are not facts.

        Hope this clears up a few mysteries for you.

        • William_C_Diaz

          One of us was a researcher at the Vermont lung center and the other one is you. You may also notice that at no time did I say ‘humans’ as there has never been a comprehensive, large scale experiment on the effects of caloric restriction on humans (for any number of reasons).

          There have been hundreds and hundreds of experiments on caloric restriction on rats, mice and other experimental models that clearly demonstrate a causative effect of caloric restriction, rather than just a correlation. On top of that, another effect that was shown to occur was a dramatic (~50%) decrease in lung surface area due to the loss of Type I alveolar pneumocytes. My lab was interesting in seeing if this effect could be used as a way to model emphysema of the lung and the answer was ‘No’.

          There is TONS of evidence that oxygen is poisonous due to the fact that it does not exists as a covalently bonded diatomic molecule, but as a resonance structure that includes a strong ‘free radical’ component that is very much toxic to cells. This has been demonstrated for decades by ‘free radical scavenging’ experiments, as well as other work on the complex oxygen transfer system that exists in higher order organisms to protect them from poisonous oxygen.

          I am not sure what you do or have done for a living, but I am willing to bet donuts that none of them involve chemistry, physiology, respiration, redox reactions or oxygen transport.

          Have a great day!

          • TeeRaak

            One of us was a researcher at the Vermont lung center and the other one is you

            Every researcher with a PhD lacked “systemic” knowledge that I had that was outside of their speciality, and they were proud of it.

            Sorry, but trials with fruit flies, rats and monkeys don’t always translate into human results. That’s why it’s often irrelevant to humans.

            Exercise– just like oxygen–produces free radicals. Exercise is good for you.

            Heart attacks are due to the restriction of blood flow. Blood carries oxygen to every cell in your body. A lack of oxygen will kill you in around three minutes.

            I understand biology from a systems standpoint. The human body is a complex system with many feedback loops. Diving deep into one small pathway does not give you more understanding of the system. Only systemic knowledge from multiple disciplines does that.

            As I previously stated, researchers are actually proud of their ignorance of systemic knowledge.

            Nothing you have said disputes or contradicts any facts I stated in my previous post, LOL

  • OneDemin EOr

    “Vast Right-wing Conspiracy calling, line one. Yes Sir, Mr. President, same caller as in 1993.”

  • DutchS

    Okay, Obama can’t get Congress to do anything, so he kills a SCOTUS justice so all his nominees will be shot down. And this accomplishes ….?

    • fifthdentist

      That just makes it necessary to invent whole new possibilities to explain that.
      Bonus!

  • Violet

    Dumb operatives forgot to take the pillow off his face after smoothing out the bedclothes. Rookie mistake!

    • Invidosa

      These guys were clearly no SEAL team 6! Back to secret murder assassin school for the lot of ’em!

  • YayConspiracy

    Given his girth, anger and paranoia it is indeed a miracle that Alex Jones is still alive.

  • eddi

    In a magic universe nobody dies naturally. Black magic and curses are to blame and the witch must be punished.

    • Invidosa

      As your local wonkette witch I am willing to take the blame on this one, for the good of the country. I’ll just be right here, waiting for my laurals and applause .

    • Brendan_M

      When they think of Obama, they always picture him in that “witch doctor” photoshop that was popular in right-wing email chains, so it makes sense, sort of.
      http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/obama-witch-doctor-250×230.jpg

      • Bear OmNomNom

        And I said ap-point-tee, ha ha
        Tur-tle simply won’t confirm him

    • Robyn Ryan

      the rapture means you don’t have to die…. That’s why they are willing to kill to avoid death. It’s a waiting game.

  • CaptainCommonsense

    I never realized I was a fan of the Grateful Dead until this very weekend…

    …Scalia’s dead, and I’m grateful. Imagine that.

  • Scooby

    Everyone knows if Obama were to have a justice killed it would have been Clarence Thomas. That would be sure to have no questions asked

    • fifthdentist

      That’s because no one would even have noticed.
      Thomas’ clerk would have just kept using the stamp signature he placed on all of Scalia’s other opinions.

  • Darth Penguin

    All absolutely true and fair. But, nonetheless, as a dirty foreigner, I can’t understand why you guys don’t have an automatic ‘must prepare autopsy and release the report’ for all senior members of the judiciary, executive and parliament who die in office.

    It won’t trash the family’s privacy any more than will be the case anyway (if the person has a terminal illnesses of a ‘sensitive’ nature, they won’t be working up until their death bed anyway, and if they do choose to do that, then it’s probably in the public interest to know that their critical official might drop dead before they can add the critical line ‘…is the opposite of the ruling I herein make’ to the end of their judgement), and it would avoid this type of idiocy. If you know that conspiracy nuts are likely to start a wildfire, then it’s best to avoid giving them completely unnecessary kindling.

    The irony is that these conspiracy nuts represent everything that Scalia was against.

    No, that’s not even close to true. Let’s try it again.

    The irony is that these conspiracy nuts represent approximately 10% of what Scalia was against (using a ‘45% against liberals/socialists/progressives, 45% against ‘living document’ constitutional analysis, and 10% against the takeover of conservativism by dogmatic rednecks’ breakdown).

    As a lawyer and academic (again, of the dirty foreigner variety) I disagree strongly with his ‘originalism’ re the US constitution, but there’s no doubt he was one of the world’s greatest legal minds, and possibly the world’s greatest conservative legal scholar of the post war era. As an Australian, even though I think there should be extremely broad abortion rights, I’ve got a tremendous amount of sympathy for his view that such rights should be granted by parliament, after convincing a democratic majority of people. To say that it’s something the Court can determine is, effectively, saying that it would also be democratic if the Court overrule parliament to take those rights away – it isn’t utterly insane to imagine a situation where a conservative US court overrules a progressive President to impose harsh bans on abortion, and in such circumstances I can’t imagine that most progressives – hell, most PEOPLE, would accept that as democratic.

    Abortion is simply not a political issue over here, and I can’t help but suspect that that’s largely because our abortion rights were granted through parliament, such that there was a public debate and the population made up its mind. It seems freakishly standard for US commentators to choose whatever jurisprudential principles favour the particular OUTCOME they’re after for each issue, and then adopt the complete opposite position where it supports their preferred outcome on a different matter. You guys had one of the great democracies, and yet you’re all (i.e. all sides of US politics) happy to trash the structure of that democracy on an issue by issue basis.

    As an outsider, it seems bizarre that I flat out never encounter Americans who argue ‘I believe that policy X is right, but I don’t believe that the Court/Federal Executive/etc should be the body that decides. Localisation, participatory democracy, federalism, constitutionalism – whatever principles of government Americans adopt – are simply used as tools to push their case in the particular issue at hand. If an American wants X, their local government opposes X and their federal government wants X, then they become pro-federalism until someone changes the topic. If the local government wants X, and the federal government opposes it, then suddenly they’re a convert to the virtues of local autonomy.

    Believe or not, that isn’t how it works everywhere else. We’re quite capable of having a debate about whether, say, family law, corporations or crime policy should be determined by the state, local or federal government, or by the High Court, quite independently of the particular issue at hand.

    • Lord-Nash

      Who said conspiracy theorists’ were smart? Remember, the same people who cry ‘conspiraghazi!!!!!11!!’ are usually the same who say the government is impotent and incapable of carrying out simple tasks, and that it fails at everything it tries to do. Any reasonable person would tell you it’s either capable of worldwide conspiracies or drools while trying to tie its shoes, and it can’t be both.

    • jmhm

      _10% against the takeover of conservativism by dogmatic rednecks_

      Unapproved dogmatic rednecks, anyway. He was a big fan when they were still taking orders.

    • Brendan_M

      All his principles and his ideology were pretty flexible when it came to his true passion, a sneering disregard for everyone who wasn’t a wealthy, straight, white, Christian man. That was, actually, the only “Originalist” principle he wasn’t willing to abandon to advance partisan goals.

      As for mandatory autopsies, privacy for the privileged is too entrenched and there is value in allowing a little doubt to flourish, as it outs the paranoid crackpots and helps us avoid them.

      • Robyn Ryan

        he was an oxygen thief.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    Alex Jones doesn’t have a forehead, he has a five-head with an oily bird’s nest parked somewhere on top of it.

    • Robyn Ryan

      Another victim of the insidious alien invasion. Cunningly disguised as bad hair, they attach themselves to unused brain matter and suck it dry. Look around…. Trump, Schlafly, everywhere…..

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    “Are they going to kill Clarence Thomas? Maybe they’ll kill Ron Paul. Maybe they’ll kill Donald Trump next. They all had heart attacks. How many more of these are we going to sit here and put up with? Or maybe their airplane blows up.”

    Can you prove any of those guys are actually alive in the first place, Alex? I have my doubts.

  • Lord-Nash

    “Are they going to kill Clarence Thomas? Maybe they’ll kill Ron Paul. Maybe they’ll kill Donald Trump next. They all had heart attacks. How many more of these are we going to sit here and put up with? Or maybe their airplane blows up.”

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      I wish I could give you two extra upvotes, one for the Hot Fuzz gif and one because Olivia Coleman.

  • jmhm

    So, Scalia’s family and his doctor are covering up his cause of death?

    http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/02/exact-cause-of-scalias-death-still-unclear.html

    • Brendan_M

      They got to Them.

    • fifthdentist

      That means that “they” got to them. Don’t you see?

  • Brewerofbeers

    Guys, it is really none of our business that he died from an autoerotic asphyxiation accident. ALLEGEDLY

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      That’s why Poindexter had to regularly reattach the door handles in Scalia’s room.

    • TMK

      Actually since he’s dead you don’t need to ALLEGE. You can just right out say it.

      • fifthdentist

        Yep, you can’t libel the dead.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      Dammit, we lost the only one that could have unraveled Michael Hutchence’s complex network of trusts.

  • Max Newman

    He was clearly killed when the aliens botched the job of implanting the chip in his body which would then bypass any attempt to deny the existence of chem trails that are used by the Illuminati to send mind control signals to unsuspecting patriotic Americans. Wake up people and join the ranks of the singing potatoes.

    • sei2011 .

      I hear Leonard Nimoy was involved.

      http://harddawn.com/nimoy-and-obama-killed-scalia/

      • YourNameHere

        :( If only.

      • Max Newman

        It is a well known fact that not only is Nimoy not actually dead, but that he as one of the first human alien hybrids bred to create and deploy chem trails. The singing potatoes are never wrong about these things, they see and know all!

  • AncienReggie

    this season of treason, this climate of evil slimate.

    If you’re going to embroider, Mr. Jones, let’s rock the parallels. It would be irresponsible not to speculate in rhyme.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    So erm, if they do not get what they want outta a democratically elected government, they are going to throw a coup?
    They don’t quite get the entire constitutional democratic thing well

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “Presidio County Judge Cinderella Guevara”? Why, if that name doesn’t prove this was a Communist conspiracy built on pure fairytales, I don’t know what will!

  • laineypc

    >I’m not the guy with the original info

    No shit sherlock

  • ReligionIsPoison

    I did it. I killed Scalia. Alex Jones, you’re next.

    • Teto85

      Thanks, and good luck. We’re all counting on you.

  • Tansy Geek

    “No, they told us they’re banning free speech next year; they’re coming after everybody and they’re going to come after us and it’s really dangerous, so you might want to get out of the country,” basically.
    It was really the Notorious RBG saying to Drudge”I asked you before not to feel free to accoste me in public. I want you to get out of hair.” Basically.

  • Jim Mooney

    They need to check that pillow for Obama’s fingerprints. Artist’s rendering of security camera still of Obama sneaking up on Justice Scalia with a pillow. The camera footage has mysteriously disappeared into the Kennedy Assassination archives, and will not be released until after Obama pardons himself. @SaifsArt

  • J_JamesM

    Watching this, I’m stumped as to whether Alex Jones really believes what he’s saying, or if he merely pretends to. Perhaps he believes in his own belief.

    • david.luesley@gmail.com

      It started off as a conning the rubes to make money but Alex has been drinking his own kool aide so long he may actually believe his own fantasies at this point.

  • Teto85

    Well, they say Scalia was found with a pillow over his face and the RWNJs all say that Obama is a secret muslin. Not saying anything, just saying. :-O

  • david.luesley@gmail.com

    You all have to know that aside from being the Lex Luther of politicians with time traveling and superhuman powers Obama is also running a long (apparently very long) con to turn us into a gun free Sharia / Communist (still hasn’t decided apparently) nation.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      And homosexxican, also, too. Sharia Homosexxican. Somehow.

  • david.luesley@gmail.com

    Still think Scalia died of bile overdose.

  • cheetojeebus

    Uh, Not to beat a dead horse, but it appears that Scalia was staying there gratis, while the owner of the joint had his case turned down by the court last year.

  • Karmann Ghia

    So, No autopsy?…. for a U.S. Supreme Court Justice??

    i’m trusting this government less and less. Be careful Americans.

    Let’s see… who would want Scalia dead that has the most money?… oooooh, there was a case they heard about a month ago, Friedrich v California Teacher’s Association…( http://calwatchdog.com/2016/01/10/cta-expects-lose-landmark-supreme-court-case/ )…. you know, the powerful public union leaders….”who directed $144.1 million into ballot measures, including more than $50 million to defeat a series of 2005 measures sponsored by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger”….

    http://blogs.sacbee.com/capitolalertlatest/2010/03/teachers-union-2.html

    If the Teacher’s Union wins this case now that Scalia is dead…. America better wake up before it’s too late!

    I’ve seen first hand the detrimental effects the Teacher’s union has on kids in California, and as a longtime moderate, i no longer vote for democrats. Our state is filled with clueless politicians propped up to perpetuate failure and status quo. Unnatural laws and policies forced down our throats by liberal elites lead to litigation…. ooooh, which leads to who will replace Scalia?…. another liberal elite would ruin this country and it’ll all go to hell. Time to go buy your guns and get ready to defend yourselves.

    • fifthdentist

      Wow, after reading your interesting comments I’ll scroll down further and see what the sane people have to say.

    • William_C_Diaz

      Wow, a real life wing-nut ‘A Idiot’!

      The shear number of websites you have posted the same exact POS on is mindboggling and it would be wonderful to read some of the responses you have gotten with your rancid pile of brain feces if I didnt have to eat today.

      Go team moron!

      Have a great day!

      • Karmann Ghia

        truth hurts does’t it Willy?
        the real scum of the earth are the teacher union trollers who spend more time ranting their agenda then doing their job to educate. why should kids put up with disgruntled and abusive scum that is next in a seniority line? … why do teacher unions suck up more money and then ask for lower class size?? …. get a lower class size first. Stop being the biggest bullies ion public education….. or get the _uck out you scumbags

    • CaptainCommonsense

      Derp.

      • Karmann Ghia

        perv

    • Joe Pearson

      Wowee. I was going to say that “you can’t just make this kind of shit up”, but then you go and prove me wrong. That’s the crazist rant I’ve seen on Wonkette. Please get back on your meds. And stay away from guns. Your fellow crazies up in Burns show that guns and paranoid fantasies does not end well.

      • CatCope

        Add some more tin foil. They’ve located YOU , Karmann

        • Karmann Ghia

          how bout a mirror so you could see yourself…. you pusuy

          • CatCope

            Pusuy???? French????

    • DaveM

      the reason Alex Jones is still alive is because he has not died yet. He will die some day just like all of us but he really is not worth killing. He knows nothing and makes things up as he goes along. People that listen to him pay his salary and that is the size of it. If you hang on the words of idiots like Jones, Limbaugh and Beck you are contributing to their bank accounts and that is what they want. They use your own fear to make their spending money. Sucker.

  • oopsilaffatatory

    I wouldn’t put it past Obama.

    We all know that he has Black roots, and so must by default have voodoo down to a fine art.
    A little poppet, a darning needle and POW! There goes the judge to meet his maker after a “heart attack”.

  • Karmann Ghia

    teacher union mafia took Scalia out –
    biggest bullies in public education CTA, AFT, UTLA….
    see how _ucked up things are in the largest state in the nation where teacher abuse and incompetence runs rampant…. https://vimeo.com/90273109

  • AndrewLB

    If one were to look at just the death of Andrew Breitbart, its easy to write off people who think his death was actually a murder. But what most people don’t know is there was a witness to the moment and immediate aftermath of Andrew Breitbart collapsing. Christopher Lasseter saw him collapse and rushed to render aid and later when recounting the incident, stated that he saw a band of white blanched skin along Breitbart’s hairline, and that Breitbart’s face was bright red. Everyone knows that your face does not become bright red when you’re suffering from a heart attack. It turns blue/white. Even so, that’s not enough for most to believe there was a conspiracy to Murder him.
    But you can’t look at just that case. Two months later on the actual day they were to release the autopsy results, Michael Cormier, the coroner tasked with investigating Breitbart’s death, dies of arsenic poisoning.
    Fast forward to this year, 2016. Co-founder of Breitbart and residing editor, Mike Flynn, dies of a heart attack at age 48.

    now… it takes quite a bit to convince me of conspiracies. Its hard to wade through the BS put forth by some outlets but I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that Andrew Breitbart, Christopher Lasseter, and Mike Flynn were all murdered. I may be a bit biased through because in this case, i had the pleasure of briefly meeting and talking with Andrew in 2010 at an event in Los Angeles. With Trump now in the White House as well as Steve Bannon being hired as chief strategist, i guarantee you there will be people quietly looking into this case.

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