No, Chuck Todd, Bernie And Hillary Will Not Brawl To The Death For Your Amusement

[contextly_sidebar id="0Wm7pABxk7QpRvxYq06QoQMZA1J0zWOy"]Though Thursday night's Democratic Debate saw a lot of actual fighting between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, it might have been more notable for the aggression that didn't happen. Specifically, Bern and Hill's repeated refusal to engage when professional Jim Rome cosplayer Chuck Todd did all but shout "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" over stupid crap no sane human being actually cares about.

[contextly_sidebar id="pInhzrbH9REU65whdMXphrtlxE8mQYDx"]We were so happy when we heard Rachel Maddow, yr Wonkette's life partner, would be hosting the debate. Who wouldn't be? She's a national treasure! We love her so much, you guys.

But all good things come with a price, and last night's poison pill was Chuck Todd. He is spectacularly bad at talking to humans, which is a problem when your entire job is talking to humans. He's the neckbeard equivalent of a paper towel accidentally left in the sink overnight. It's not actively harmful to you, but you still really wish it would go away -- and you know you're going to get stuck dealing with it regardless, because apparently if your fiancee ever once washes a dish, it will awaken Jormungand and herald Ragnarok, and the entire world shall be bathed in flames unto eternity.

Wait, what were we saying?

The Toddening Begins

Repeatedly during the first one-on-one Berno-e-Hillzo debate, Todd tried to get the candidates to rise to questions so meaningless, they could've happened at a Trump Rally For Making America YOOGE And Classy Again. He kept it in check for the first hour, but as the clock struck 10 PM, Todd started ratcheting up the Todditude:

TODD: Senator Sanders, The Iowa Democratic Party has declared Hillary Clinton the winner of Monday's Iowa caucuses -- narrowest of margins. Today, the Des Moines Register has an editorial that calls for the audit of the results, saying, quote, "what happened Monday night at the Democratic caucuses was a debacle, period. The results were too close not to do a complete audit."

Senator Sanders, do you accept the idea that Hillary Clinton won Iowa? And do you -- or do you believe the caucuses are still an open question?

Fortunately, both candidates refused to play along with Chuck's bullshit-baiting, because they are not Donald Trump. Both are actual serious human beings who understand they're running for the nation's highest office, not to be President of Who Gets to Spongebathe the Koch Brothers Weekly. Bernie basically said, "why are we even talking about this?" Then Hillary dropped an epic "are you kidding me with this shit":

TODD: Secretary Clinton, will you participate in some sort of audit, if that's what the party wants to do? You good with that?

CLINTON: Whatever they decide to do, that's fine.

Quotes can't describe the glorious eye-rolliness with which Madam Secretary greeted that that question, but trust us, it was righteous.

Of Course He Brought Up The Fucking Emails

The Toddination only got worse from there. When he brought up her emails, Hillz spent a significant amount of time pointing out how this whole subject was stupid and what is Chuck Todd, some kind of Republican?

You know, before it was emails, it was Benghazi, and the Republicans were stirring up so much controversy about that. And I testified for 11 hours, answered their questions. They basically said yeah, didn't get her. We tried. That was all a political ploy.

Then Todd tried to get Bernie to go in on her, and Bernie was like, "WTF, dude, stop, we've been over this":

TODD: How are you feeling about these darn emails now?

SANDERS: I am feeling exactly the way I felt at the first debate. There's a process under way. I will not politicize it ... And by the way -- and by the way, if I may, the secretary probably doesn't know that there's not a day that goes by when I am not asked to attack her on that issue, and I have refrained from doing that and I will continue to refrain from doing that.

The Bern does not deliver his Sick Bernz (TM) upon unwarranted request, Chuck, GOD. 

Chuck Todd Is Apparently A YouTube Commenter Now

Chuck then adopted a different tack, repeatedly shouting "FIRST!":

TODD: You're going to have to make choices. And there's a lot of heavy lifts. And [President Obama] made choices. He did healthcare and it came at the expense, arguably, of immigration reform. Had he put immigration reform first, perhaps that gets done and healthcare doesn't.

So there are three big lifts that you've talked about: immigration, gun reform, climate change. What do you do first? Because you know the first one is the one you have the best shot at getting done.

Hillz and Bernie all but turned to each other and said "Can you believe this fucking guy?" Hillary listed a broad range of issues on which she wants to accomplish concrete progress, and Bernie was like, "Um, excuse me, have you forgotten I am going to accomplish a political and social revolution purely on the strength of my Fighting Spirit and stick-to-it-iveness?"

The best, though, was yet to come.

Chuck Concludes By Pooping In America's Collective Ear Canal

At the end, Chuck, bless his poor, stupid heart, all but directly asked the candidates to make fight-y words:

TODD: All right, before we go, I want to ask each one of these. Secretary Clinton, you've made it clear when you look at Senator Sanders, you do not see a president, but do you see --

CLINTON: I never said that.

TODD: But do you see -- do you see a vice president?

Hillary all but laughed in his face, because for fuck's sake, Chuck, THAT'S your final question?

CLINTON: Well, I'm certainly going to unite the party, but I'm not -- I'm not getting ahead of myself. I think that would be a little bit presumptuous. If I'm so fortunate as to be the nominee, the first person I will call to talk to about where we go and how we get it done will be Senator Sanders.

As good as her response was, though, Bernie's was even better, as he delivered some serious #ThirdDegreeBerns to the GOP:

SANDERS: I agree with what the secretary said. We shouldn't be getting ahead of ourselves. And as I have said many times, you know, sometimes in these campaigns, things get a little bit out of hand. I happen to respect the secretary very much, I hope it's mutual. And on our worst days, I think it is fair to say we are 100 times better than any Republican candidate.

Don't be too sad, though, Chuck; Hillary and Bernie may both be actual adults unwilling to fight over stupid shit, but we're sure their respective supporters will be happy to do so on their behalf.

[ MSNBC ]