Let's Watch Hillary And Bernie Scrap Like Jilted Lovers. Your Democratic Debate Preview

They ain't smilin' no more.

Good morning, Wonkers! Did you watch the super exciting whoa-gazi jam session CNN did with the Democratic candidates last night? Did it send a thrill up your leg and leave a wet spot on your Down Theres? No? OK, well, that's because town halls are stupid. But tonight, Thursday, the 4th day of February, Hillary and Bernie are gonna scrap it up again, for the primary voters of New Hampshire, and also for all of U.S. America. And since it is a real DEBATE, then you get a real DEBATE PREVIEW.

As usual, you have questions, and we're going to respond by talking shit to you and not giving you any actual answers.

Who are the candidates in the debate?

That was in the headline, you toolbags.

How is there a Democratic Debate on the television on a night when people who have lives might actually be home to watch it? Did Debbie Wasserman Schultz die from sucking so hard?

No, Ole Deb is still kickin', but thank you for askin'! But this debate did get added to the schedule all late-like. The DNC FINALLY said it would sanction this extra debate after Bernie FINALLY said he would come to the debate -- which, absent Bernie, would actually not be a debate, but rather more of a Hillary Clinton campaign speech. Anyway it's all fine now, everybody's happy, unless they aren't, whatever, fuck them.

Who will be moderating this debate?

Your lesbian girlfriend Rachel Maddow and the most unqualified journalist in the United States, Chuck Todd.

Whoa, that was the yay-boo of the century!

For real.

Are they gonna fight?

[contextly_sidebar id="FKbmLEMmIqxWWcRoqiiEbemdHIHK58op"]Oh probably. Ever since the Iowa caucuses they aren't being all that nice to each other, so it should be a good show! Something like:

SANDERS: E-mailer!

CLINTON: Hipster!

SANDERS: Old hag!

CLINTON: Geezer!

SANDERS: Wall Street strumpet!

CLINTON: Community organizer!

SANDERS: #BernTheHillz!

CLINTON: Benghazi to your face!

SANDERS: WHY ARE WE FIGHTING????

CLINTON: I DON'T KNOW!!!!

And then they'll stop fighting and exchange Werther's Originals between their open-mouthed kisses, unless they'd rather keep fighting, in which case they will.

Hey, what should we do in the comments, if they're even allowed?

You should PLAY NICE, you assholes. One of these two is going to be your democratically elected Democrat in charge of keeping the Democrats in the White House. So let's keep some perspective about that, HENGGGGGH?

Hey, who let John McCain into this post, talkin' bout "HENGGGGGGGH!"

He probably just heard that joke about butterscotches and figured he was being paged.

OK so how do I watch this bullshit?

It will be on the MSNBC network, which is featured on common televisions. Or you can watch it on internets at NBC or MSNBC. Airs at 9 PM Eastern, which is "a time" in Mountain Time Zone.

You're going to finish this post without even saying "bye" to Martin O'Malley?

Fine. Bye, Martin O'Malley. May your nipples continue to be erect and may you go on to do many great things, etc., also too.

run back to Maryland!

That Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau is still hotter.

WE KNOW.

We'll be in our bunk.

And the liveblogging starts when?

WHEN THE DEBATE STARTS, MORAN!

See you tonight!