Hillary Winned The Iowa Caucuses, And Ted Cruz Still Sucks

They look so ... happy?

[contextly_sidebar id="YgLYfoHvQvB4BicY1PsMjz74C8fpdP8B"]Land sakes, the Iowa caucuses are stupid and dumb. We already 'splained why they are undemocratic and just overall a shitshow on a massive scale, so if you haven't read that, CATCH UP, MORANS. But now we know the results, and they are ... results!

Let's break it down:

I thought I heard it was a "virtual tie" between Hillary and Bernie, so did she really actually WIN?

Yes and no and sort of and also yes? Did we already mention how the Iowa caucuses are stupid and dumb? With 99.94% of precincts reporting, Hillary won 699 votes to Bernie's 695, which is "more," so she winned. But in Iowa, the outcome isn't determined by straight VOTES, but rather an allocation of delegates, and sometimes there are actual COIN TOSSES to decide which candidate will get a delegate. In fact, that happened six times Monday, and Hillary winned all six, because she probably threatened to do Benghazi to the coins.

In Hillary's speech she said "HOLY FUCK THANK GOD I DIDN'T LOSE," and in Bernie's speech he said, "When I'm president everything will be a tie because I am a communist who says everything has to be Even Steven." Just teasing, but they did say speeches! Hillary said, "I am a progressive who gets things done," and also other things, but the funny part was how she decided to do her speech right in the middle of Ted Cruz's victory speech, which made all the networks drop him like a too-hot piece of Canadian bacon.

'I am a progressive who gets things done'

Watch Hillary Clinton address her supporters after #IowaCaucus  https: //t.co/2Ou4qF5J8o 

— NBC News (@NBCNews) February 2, 2016