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Portrait of the artist as a seditious old fart
Portrait of the artist as a seditious old fart

Robert “LaVoy” Finicum, the Oregon nature reserve occupier known as “Tarp Man” who was shot to death last week after trying to escape arrest and reaching for a gun, died as he lived: A man with deeply held fantasies about freedom and the absolute rightness of his cause. After becoming best pals with welfare rancher Cliven Bundy during the 2014 standoff with federal officers at Bundy’s ranch, Finicum went home to Northern Arizona and wrote him a novel about one brave man and his family opposing the forces of tyranny.

Surprisingly, the novel, Only by Blood and Suffering: Regaining Lost Freedom, isn’t quite as completely unreadable as we’d anticipated. It’s merely tedious, badly written, laughably preachy, and composed of militia propaganda standing in for dialogue, with some pretty cheesy action sequences thrown in to hold the whole mess together. It’s a bit like somebody read a lot of Red Dawn fanfiction while visiting Alex Jones’s Infowars website. How bad is this book? It’s so deliciously bad that we’re going to make this review a two-parter, because there’s simply so much wonderful idiocy in it we’d feel remiss if we didn’t share as much as possible with you Wonkers.

The plot, such as it is, follows the travails of the Bonham family, whose patriarch, a flinty old cowboy named Jake, lives on a ranch in southern Utah, near the conveniently-named real town of Orderville. The action starts off with Jake’s adult children making their way to Dad’s ranch as the USA is rapidly falling into disorder following an economic crash. In Albuqueque, the oldest daughter, Cat, barely escapes her mother’s upscale house in a gated suburb as it’s overrun by a gang of thugs who murder Mom. While she heads for the hills with her bug-out bag and trusty Sig Sauer 9mm (gifts from Dad), Cat reflects on the tragedy:

“Mom, Mom,” I spoke softly into the night as the first flakes of a winter storm began to fall. “Why did you trust the politicians and turn in your gun? How could you ever believe the government would keep you safe?”

These thoughts quickly turn to thoughts of Dad, the cowboy, and of his gun, a “44-40 Colt, single action revolver” — Finicum doesn’t do commas so good. In Cat’s memory, the gun gets a much more loving description than we ever got of poor dead mom back in Albuquerque:

The handle was hand carved from a single piece of rose wood. The deep maroon colored wood was polished smooth by the calloused hands that had held it. The steel of the gun had never been left un-oiled and with the years of wear from the holster it had developed a patina that accented the quality of the gun. It was always buckled around the narrow hips of my father in a double loop Mexican style holster.

We next meet Dan, the eldest son, as he and his small family flee San Diego eastward into northern Arizona, following old Route 66. As he drives his Cadillac Escalade through the night, towing a trailer of survival essentials, he recalls his father’s warnings about the coming economic devastation as the USA became ever more dependent on foreign debt and fake Federal Reserve money that isn’t backed by gold or silver. Dan is consumed with regret that he hadn’t followed Dad’s advice to stockpile at least a year’s worth of food, and is ashamed at the thought that he’s bringing so little food to the ranch, and of course that he hadn’t bought a gun before “our previous President” had forced gun control on the nation and it was upheld by a corrupt Supreme Court which “had paid lip homage to the Constitution and Founding Fathers while at the same time shredding the tattered document even more.”

Suddenly, the Escalade’s engine stops, as does every other vehicle on the highway: An attack with high-altitude EMP weapons (a favorite prepper/wingnut theme) has killed all unshielded electronics in North America. Meanwhile, outside Albuquerque, Cat sees a flash as a nuclear weapon destroys “Luke Air Force Base,” which is actually near Phoenix (Albuquerque is home to Kirtland AFB), but you can’t expect a writer to check every little detail.

Happily, thanks to their upbringing on the ranch, everyone’s prepared for survival. Cat very conveniently finds a huge cache of survival gear buried by Dad on one of his occasional trips to Albuquerque, and we get a fine scene of her equipping herself with warm clothes and boots, described in excruciating detail (the scene may have been written with help from the Cabela’s catalog). Dan and family are attacked by a couple of bad guys and manage to defeat them and take their guns — “So much for gun control keeping guns out of the hands of the bad guys” — and then trade one of the baddies’ guns for mountain bikes from a nice old couple in a stalled RV. Along the way, Dan recalls his dad’s strategic wisdom:

“[When] our country gets hit it will be a massive nuclear ‘first strike’ by Russia and China. They are not going to waste just a single EMP strike on us, even by proxy of radical Islam. If they were going to seize the economic engines of Europe and Asia they must first render America inert. They will use a potent concoction of nuclear missile strikes coordinated between the two countries. They will target most of our military bases and much of the power production in our country. And, of course, they will use several well-spaced EMPs.”

Wouldn’t you know it, that’s exactly what happens when your dad is an all-seeing Freedom-loving oracle.

Almost as an afterthought, Finicum throws in two more daughters, twins who are attending a university and immediately know what’s happened when they wake up in the middle of the night and there’s no electricity on. They’re named HayLee and KayLee, and are such completely identical twins that they don’t bother having individual personalities, but being twins turns out to make them awfully convenient Exposition Girls. Consider this gripping dialogue as KayLee wakes up in their darkened apartment:

“HayLee, get up,” she called to her sister in the dark. “We need to be moving.” The tone of her voice brought her sister wide awake. “What is it KayLee?”

“I think our world has changed and we need to be moving.”

“Turn on the light, KayLee.”

“No can do, sis. They don’t work.”

Having instantly sussed out that this is no mere blackout — no cars are moving, and the only explanation has to be the EMP attack that Dad foretold — the girls grab their fully equipped bug-out bags and matching Sig Sauer 9mm semiautomatic pistols and begin bicycling south from Orem, Utah, remembering (as every adult Bonham child must) their father’s words of wisdom before they left for college. He told them all about their inalienable rights, especially the rights to own property and bear arms:

“Those rights come to us at birth,” he told the girls when he had helped them pack the Sig Sauers into their bug-out-bags. “They come to us from God and no man, or group of men, has the right to take them from you. It does not matter if it is the tyranny of a tyrant or the tyranny of the majority, tyranny hates the right to self-defense. It is a threat to them. Now you are going to be taught different things at the university. You will be taught that the collective society determines what rights a man has and does not have. Therefore, those rights are always changing and drifting with the tide of popular opinion. Remember, the vast majority of Germany supported Hitler in the beginning. Majority rule must stop at our unalienable rights. Without that, pure democratic rule is a terrible thing. It’s like two wolves and a lamb voting to see what’s for dinner.”

You almost get the feeling here that Jake Bonham is some kind of idealized version of LaVoy Finicum, maybe. He’s a regular Tarpy Sue.

Before hitting the road on their bikes, the sisters sadly view the parade of bewildered folks wandering the streets of Orem after the cars have all stopped. Why there’s a crowd in the middle of the night does not matter. There have to be some fools to pity and about whom to have this very realistic conversation:

“KayLee, look at them. Don’t they look lost,” she said, motioning to the people now walking away from their cars. “They don’t know what hit them. This looks just like Dad said it would right after a nuclear strike. If they think the high inflation was a serious hardship, well, what do you think is going to happen when they figure out that, along with their own cars, the semi-trucks that bring the food to the stores are not running either?”

“It’s going to be bad, HayLee. I feel for the good people that turned in their guns in the mandatory buyback program of the Feds. This is no place to be in a couple of days so let’s blow on out of here while they’re still scratching their ears.”

“You said it, Sis. Let’s make some tracks.” With that they gave each other a fist bump with fists that were bundled in warm gloves and mounted their bikes.

Considering how much of the first third of the novel involves Jake Bonham’s scattered children making their way to his ranch on bicycles, it’s a damned shame Finicum never learned the difference between pedaling and peddling.

Meanwhile, Dan and his wife have bundled up their toddler and their sick little baby in snuglis and strapped vital supplies in backbacks, and are making their way to the Grand Canyon, where their plan is to ride down the trail system so they won’t have to risk going the long way around through the urban hell of Flagstaff, Arizona, where anarchy has no doubt already broken out. As they enter the national park and pass an already abandoned ranger station, Dan becomes increasingly furious at the lies of Big Government that have enslaved Americans and left them unable to survive on their own:

People were standing outside the station. They seemed lost and waiting for the park ranger to emerge from the building to give them guidance. The large group turned their heads and watched as we peddled by. We did not wave, we did not acknowledge them. They were sheep waiting for a shepherd that would not come. How many generations had it been, as the quiet beat of government drums grew ever louder, beating out the mantra, “We can help, we can make it fair, you can trust us.” The “Good Government Shepherds” were not here for these sheep and in the days and weeks to come they would be torn by wolves.

And then the little family makes good their escape, riding down trails built and maintained by that tyrannical nanny state, even appreciating how “wide and easy to travel” the Kaibab Trail is. At the bottom (after riding bicycles down the 20% grade of the lower Kaibab Trail while each laden with a child and a backpack), they cross the Colorado River on a suspension bridge built with taxpayer dollars in 1928, and find refuge with some tourists at Phantom Ranch — also built by the terrible Federal government. Then in the morning they intimidate some out-of-shape park rangers, take their guns, and escape with a river tour boatman who likes to quote Thomas Jefferson.

Once out of the Canyon, they take to the trails again, but the sickly baby dies and Dan’s first impulse is to rage at the out of control federal government that ruined America:

Anger rose up inside of me. I wanted to blame someone, anyone. But who? Who had allowed our country to become so vulnerable?

Dad had said that when this country got hit it would be a surprise to all but the real power brokers. I had a hard time believing his conspiracy theories but not anymore. Was I not standing in the dark rain, on a bench in the Grand Canyon? Was not my wife and two year old boy huddled together by the body of my dead baby? It was no theory now! It was real and the cost was dear.

My fist clenched as my anger turned from anger to hate. Would to God that the traitors could be tried by a jury of their peers. I would gladly tie the noose and see them hung by the neck till dead.

That would be us, dear Wonkers. By cooperating with the tyranny of big government, deficit spending, foreign debt, unilateral disarmament, and giving up the Gold Standard, we all killed Dan’s baby. We feel pretty bad about that, we guess.

Next Week: One-man Cowboy Army Restores Freedom, with guns and only slightly shorter speeches than John Galt.

Only by Blood and Suffering: Regaining Lost Freedom, by LaVoy Finicum. Amazon Kindle E-Book, $6.99 or free to read with “Kindle unlimited” membership. 245 pages. Legends Library Publishing, 2015.

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  • Deliciously bad? Sounds like a job for Pinkham. Too.
    ~

  • PubOption

    Would tyrannical, socialist Obamacare have saved the baby?

    • Ricky Gay

      asking for a fiend…

    • bozilingus

      No, the baby would have been turned over to Planned Parenthood for brain harvesting.

      • MyLovelyNose

        Live harvest! Baby brain no good if not fresh.

  • Nounverb911

    Did Tarp-Man get his nickname after being bailed out by the Feds in 2008?

  • This is extremely difficult to tarp to.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      But not impossible!

  • Nounverb911

    “conveniently-named real town of Orderville”
    I’ll have the pastrami on white, extra mayo.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Worst turner diaries fanfic ever.

    • doktorzoom

      It’s surprisingly free of overt racism, although of course the cities are immediately brought down by gangs — but mostly by hordes of unprepared folks of all economic/racial types who can’t survive when the grocery stores have no food.

      He’s too busy hating on the feds to bother.

      • Jonny On Maui

        I’m betting there’s someone in a survival bunker somewhere working on the screenplay…

      • TheBidenator

        It’s got racism by inference down pat, though. I’m sure the gangs in ABQ that kill ‘Cat’s’ mom just because (with nuclear bombs going off nearby to boot!) have a hue quite a few shades darker than peach. I’ll bet the bad guys with guns who get all robby and stabby are probably blah or Messican. Also, I don’t think the gangs are ya know, made up of white people in Range Rovers. The only thing missing is for him to call them mud people….

        • Billy Rubin

          Exactly this. I guess the plot elements *could* be more overtly racist, but it’s not exactly subtle.

    • MyLovelyNose

      Oh, you aren’t familiar with the novels of Jeff Head? He kinda missed the curve chronologically, but he was the original Toy Militiaman. I bet he’s angry that he couldn’t get in on this one and write another bad novel.

      http://www.amazon.com/Dragons-Fury-World-against-America/dp/0971577900

  • Anarchy Pony

    Sig Sauers? Bikes? Sounds like euro commie stuff to me.

    • MyLovelyNose

      He wants to be sure you know that he shoots Sig Sauers, not sissy guns.

  • Operation American Jesus®

    Finicum forgot to include the part where the Brave True Christian Patriot Hero’s foster children were removed by CPS for being endangered at an armed government-overthrowing standoff by Mormon fundamentalists and psycho sovereign citizens, upon which said government-overthrowing hero’s first reaction to his childrens’ removal was to wail that his government-issued, taxpayer-funded foster income was the only thing he and his wife lived on, whaaaaaaaaaaa!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Does Obama’s tyranny have no limits?

    • There’s supposed to an “Avenge me, boys!” (or girls) in there somewhere, also.
      ~

    • doktorzoom

      Hey, I gotta leave something for the second part of the review!

    • That would have totally broken my suspension of disbelief, though.

  • bookish
    • bookish
      • MyLovelyNose

        Makes me wish gas was more expensive.

    • Big Puppy

      The comments are as instructive as the article. Thanks!

  • Nounverb911

    Who knew that Finicum was such an “Atlas Shrugged” fantasy fanboy?

    • The Wanderer

      Complete revelation to everyone.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I’m thinking of getting 9 or 10 foster kids myself; they can do all the work around the place and provide me a decent income, and I can indulge in my lifelong desire to write a novel.

    • nothingisamiss

      The trouble is, liberal, that you’d probably “care” about your “children.” You’d end up wanting them to learn to “read” and “think for themselves.” You’d maybe get them vaccinated and teach them “compassion.” No time for wonkette commenting then, liberal, which is why this is a bad plan.

    • TheBidenator

      Pfft you’d spend all the money on alcohol and they’d spend their time carrying you from place to place…admit it.

      • gedjcj

        Sounds like a plan.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Have you been talking to my mother again?!

  • Incoming Ham

    This guy seems sadder every time I hear about him. Obviously he was a paranoid with a rich fantasy life who was a danger to himself and others.

    The question is: will the yeehawdees create a flag out of tarp in his honor?

    • Msgr_Moment

      “Dont Tread on Me Fold Me Up and Put Me Away Wet.”

    • The Wanderer

      No, like Jan Zizka in the Hussite Wars, they’ll flay him, tan the skin and make a drumhead out of it to rally the ragtag group of poorly-armed dingbats who think they can take on the best military on Earth.

      • Playonwords

        Royal Marines/Legion Etranger Libelz!!!!

      • Msgr_Moment

        You’ll always get an upfist from me for a Jan Žižka reference.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Someone flew a tarp at half mast in one of the Gawker comment threads. I couldn’t find it. I did however find this….

      https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZssqxZWYAAkQfo.jpg

  • I’m part of the problem. Too worried about crepey skin to do anything.

    • nothingisamiss

      The tyranny of wanting sun protection and face serum!

      • ‘ZACTLY.

        • nothingisamiss

          We’ll hit the unprotected CVS first. You grab the SPF and I’ll go for moisturizer. We’ll meet by the sunglasses and hats and leave with all the water we can fill those tiny little carts with!

          • We have a plan! And a much more solid one, I’d say, than the “survivalists” who preceded us.

  • Jonathan Lawson

    When does the tarp come into play?

    • Nounverb911

      Just after John McCain temporarily suspends his campaign.

      • nothingisamiss

        Many upfists, and good morning to you!

  • Ducksworthy

    TLDR, which kinda sums up your life and work LaVoy.

  • orygoon

    In the middle of the tale up there, my browser crashed just exactly like it had been hit by an EMP, so Wonkers, don’t be so sneeringly dismissive.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Please tell me that you and your identical twin kayleegon have bicycles

  • SnarkOff

    Aw, you know, knowing Finicum was an aspiring writer, even a bad one, humanizes him for me. I wish he could have found some kind of creative outlet. That might have eased some of his paranoia and fear. No snark today, just kind of sad.

    • Playonwords

      I’m afraid the problem for me was not his paranoia and fear, it was his use of foster children to subsidise his fantasies.

      • lroom

        That bothers me the most about those idiots making a hero out of this asshole.

    • nothingisamiss

      You are a better human than me, Snarkoff.

      Thanks, Obama, now I have to contemplate the humanity of us all.

  • epzik8

    HayLee? KayLee? What’s with that capital L?

    • orygoon
      • Msgr_Moment

        How did I live without knowledge of this great site, Brother Moroni Zoram Sant-George?

        • orygoon

          My surname is Sant-George too, cousin-uncle-brother!

          • Msgr_Moment

            “…cousin-uncle-brother!”

            AOT,K

    • retiredeng

      I heard Jerry Lewis’ voice when I read that.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Funny spelling of names, fist bumping, I think we know what Finicum was trying to tell us.

      • MyLovelyNose

        And calling each other “sis.” That’s so forties.

    • Billy Rubin

      Like “LaVoy” isn’t a pure nonsense name already — and that one’s self-inflicted!

  • TheBidenator

    This is so wingnutty I’m surprised Dok didn’t have a tinfoil hat just sprout up on his head from reading it.

    Also, dumbass (Blue) Tarp Man, a majority did NOT support Hitler in the beginning…he was appointed to be chancellor courtesy of his private militia and threats of violence because he didn’t win the election.

    • Msgr_Moment

      A staggering 42%. Not even as much as Bush v Gore.

      • Antimassacree

        But possibly eerily close to Trump’s tally in the Iowa Caucuses. But I ‘m sure that is just a coincidence.

  • Msgr_Moment

    ..a corrupt Supreme Court which “had paid lip homage to the Constitution and Founding Fathers while at the same time shredding the tattered document even more.”

    See? We’re not really as far apart from the RWNJs as we think we are!

    • Tallmutha

      “Lip Homage” would be–well, a really terrible band name.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Flaming Lips cover band – it makes perfect sense.

        • bobbert

          Exactly my thought.

      • MyLovelyNose

        I thought that was for chapped lips.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    You’re doctorate is in Rhetoric & Composition and, your actually subjecting yorself to reeding this peace of, “literature”? How many drinks did you have too consume too dull the pain enough two get through it? You’re sacrifice is grately appreciated!

    • Anarchy Pony

      Ow. That was painful.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Thanks! I figured it was only fair for us to share some of the pain Dok must’ve gone through to bring us this review.

    • Playonwords

      “Reeding” is only done if the opus is in cuneiform

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Is that the same mouth you kiss your mummy with?

      • Beaumarchais?

        Or played on a bassoon.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Red assed or blue assed bassoon?

          • Nounverb911

            Double.

          • DemmeFatale

            Oboe, you didn’t!

        • Playonwords

          As carried by soldiers in the Cor Anglaise

          • The Wanderer

            Or the Cor Blimey.

          • MyLovelyNose

            Blimey a river.

      • eggsacklywright

        I shooted the gummint in my cuneiform bra!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’d also like to know if this work had an actual “publisher”. If that was the case, it would appear that they hired the only other person in the US not to know the difference between pedal and peddle to edit the damned thing.

  • Tallmutha

    If we buy it through the link, does Wonkette get a cut?

  • Nounverb911

    Sounds like it’s time to recycle the Ayn Kampf, the Ayn Rand Omnibus
    http://wonkette.com/419266/ayn-kampf-the-ayn-rand-omnibus

  • orygoon

    Regarding the twins: I know people who have been neighbors to ginormous Mormon families, and their observation is that they stop paying attention to their children as individuals, and the kids end up doing bizarre things around the area that everyone notices except their parents.

    • HazooToo

      Bizarre like what? Tell storiessssss

      • orygoon

        Mostly it involved very small children doing dangerous things while nobody was attending to them, or else older children watched and egged them on. My committee chairman lived next to a Mormon family with ten or twelve kids, and he said a very small boy came into his yard, found the lawnmower, fired it up and went careening around with it. He said something like, the way the parents took on the care of so many children was to avoid taking actual care of them. Oh, and I had a friend who was an adolescent psychologist in SLC for some years. After being told that their bodies are temples, no whacking off, no touching the other sex, avoid those impure thoughts or you’re EEEVILLLL, they would tend to kind of lose it “and the next thing you know they’re screwing their sister”. “So you fix broken Mormons?” I asked. “Yep, pretty much”.

    • My old feedstore was run by an evangelical posse. The eldest family member/employee, an 11 year-old girl, was there one day assisting me with my purchases and bemoaning the fact that she wasn’t going to get to “catch” mom’s 10th babby that was making its way into the family bathroom that day. Jesus says its your job to make babbies for his rapture. The feedstore was eventually bought out by a co-op, and I have no idea where the family ended up. Probably Nevada.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Sounds like a ripping good read. I’d give it four dildos.

    • Pickwicknext

      Seems like a waste of perfectly good dildos

    • Little Lulu

      I’d give it more if Rule 34 had been observed.

      • DahBoner

        They forgot to hit the right arrow to get to Tab 31

    • FlemmishSpy

      The exquisite design and workmanship of these dildos has to be experienced first hand to bur fully appreciated.

      • Cranky Man

        Have they always been oiled? Have a delicate patina do they? Wink same as a nod to a blind man, know what I mean?

    • JustPixelz

      You have four dildos! You must be a one-percenter!

    • Donald E Niman

      Meh, I would rather rip a good fart than read some drek that would give me the shits.

    • Sam Hain

      …and a reach-around.

  • TheBidenator

    This guy DEFINITELY fucked his gun every single night….and they wonder why we call them ammosexuals and gun humpers.

    • Nounverb911

      Wouldn’t it hurt if the gun has an ammogasm?

      • Playonwords

        Only if there was something stuck in the barrel.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    And what about his other kids….Dopee, Grumpee, Methee et al?

    • Jonathan Lawson

      And HaydadiminjaiLee

    • Nounverb911

      Methee lives in Wasilla.

  • bozilingus

    This is the song I think was playing in Finicum’s head as he got out of the truck:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSnrB_78ghc

    • Ricky Gay

      Tubes!!!

      • Pickwicknext

        Well, that is what the internet is a series of

        • gedjcj

          Pffft! Every network engineer knows the metaphor we use is “pipes”

  • Pinkham’s Law

    Ok, he’s predicting a massive first strike by BOTH China and Russia. Why do I think he laughably underestimates the damage & fallout from that?

    • Anarchy Pony

      I’m sure they wouldn’t face any repercussions in the international community for their aggression either.

      • Reddishrabbit

        That’s because Europe is too wimpy without God loving Cowboy Super Americans (just ignore all the wars and military of European history, nothing can stand in the way of a rancher with a well oiled and loved (LOVED) colt)

        • eggsacklywright

          There’s a guy in Issaquah that would like to discuss the well-oiled colt.

    • Billy Rubin

      The feeble, childlike grasp of international trade, nuclear war, diplomacy,, and other complicated issues is a feature, not a bug. You don’t get to flat Earth lunacy like returning to the gold standard as a strategy for stabilizing the economy and balancing trade deficits without some seriously structural deficiencies in thinking. From there, xenophobic paranoid fantasies of China, Russia, and Islamic fundamentalists teaming only make sense, and *of course* surviving a nuclear war is about just having extra grit and gumption and pithy quotes and garbled civics lessons. The sad part is, there are millions of these “individuals” out there, with heads full of this predictable crap. It’s dispiriting.

  • Ricky Gay

    Riveting! By that I mean I would rather be out riveting than read that stuff.

  • TheBidenator

    So wait, China and Russia are firing off nuclear bombs right and left whilst Muslins are using EMP bombs (!!) (because if there is one theme of history it’s that China and Russia love each other and use Muslins as proxies) and these people are just walking around? I’m guessing Tarp Man Jesus didn’t bother to read about something called “nuclear fallout”

    • doktorzoom

      He read a book by Cleon Skousen’s son that explains a nuclear war would be no big, and all the fallout would be gone in a week or two.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Of course. I almost forgot that ignoring as many facts as possible is his peer-group’s M.O.

      • nothingisamiss

        ?????????!!!!!!

      • TheBidenator

        Such a book exists (!!) ? Okay, link me….I must investigate it.

        Hah, my chief criticism of that terrible “Terminator: Salvation” film (because it seriously was the worst bad thing) was that it had only been like a few years since Skynet had nuked the Earth and yet people were just walking about without any fallout, and the skies were perfectly clear even though that many nukes would have been like a super volcanic eruption putting a shit load of radioactive dust into the atmosphere…

  • eggsacklywright

    Meanwhile, back at Craven Fundy’s farm ranch…

  • Jenny

    Hey we gonna bike our way across several of the most dangerous, isolated states in America! Sure our ancestors had a hard ass time doing it with wagons full of supplies but we got a backpack!

    Even better, there will be no assistance because there’s a national emergency happening, and no one knows we’re on our very rugged bikes that never get flats, bent suspensions, or completely uncomfortable because holy shit I’m over the age of 10 and huffy seats suck! I’m not even wearing a helmet as I barrel down the mountains for freedoms!

    No worries, memories of my crazy dad’s gun will keep us safe! Hey sis, remember when Dad used to threaten Mom with his gun all the time? I bet she regrets divorcing him now that she’s dead!! Har Har FIST BUMP!

    • beavertank

      Shh, coherent plot and exposition aren’t important here, only the guns are important. And it sounds like they’re lavished with enough detail to make them the best developed characters in the entire “book”.

      • Ricky Gay

        and “best-oiled” if you know what I mean and ITYD…

      • Empy

        Literally, it was gun porn. Every scene describing a gun reminded me of bad 14-year-old-writing-harlequin-porn on Fanfiction.net.

    • The Wanderer

      Well, they’ll have it easier than our ancestors, using all of those lovely Government-built roads and trails.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        The first time I saw the Grand Canyon, I thought of the first explorers to reach that area and their response. Looking at that, thinking, “How the fuck are we going to get past this?”

        • Peripatetic Poltroon

          Either that, or “I think I took a wrong toin at Albe-koi-kee.”

    • guppy06
  • Me not sure

    “….and then the Martians landed.”

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Sure. Why not? Followed by a Zombie uprising.

      • natoslug

        Where are the werewolves and vampires when you need them? Slackers are probably waiting for the martians and zombies to tire themselves out.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          He was saving them for the sequel.

        • But at the end of the day, we’ll be saved by Godzilla rising from the ocean and singing like Slim Whitman.

          • The Wanderer

            I am giggling, because I now imagine Gojira singing like Slim Whitman, yodeling and all.

          • eggsacklywright

            Rodan is best monster!

          • bozilingus

            Mothra libelz!!1!

          • lroom

            Gamera or gtfo.

          • The Wanderer

            Can’t be Gamera. Gamera is the friend of all children!

          • The atomic fire breath is good for taking out saucers and other kaiju, but the only thing that really takes out Martians is Slim yodeling. Messy, but effective.

      • Me not sure

        Patriot zombies?

        • Nounverb911

          Do they toss around deflated balls?

          • Me not sure

            Maybe they should have been sent Wonkette autographed model penis pumps instead of dildos.

      • The Walkin’ Dude will sweep in shortly and provide them all with some badly needed leadership.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It is the red planet, after all.

      • Me not sure

        So that’s why they hate our way of life.

    • eggsacklywright

      And out popped Orson Wells.

      • Me not sure

        With a large turkey leg and a jug of wine.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Speaking of literature, I can’t wait for O’Reilly’s next American hero biographical masterpiece, “Killing Finicum”.

    • Nounverb911

      O’Reilly was there, wasn’t he?

      • Reddishrabbit

        Maybe he was the gunman in the snow bank?!!?!?!?

      • TheBidenator

        He was the one taping it….’they’ said it was a drone but it was really O’Reilly using fan man’s flying device and a camera.

      • MyLovelyNose

        Right there with Tom Brokaw and Elvis.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Oh GOD that’s totally going to happen, isn’t it?

  • natoslug

    Firearms fap fiction from fake frontiersman. If only he’d lived to tell the tale of the time he got his .22 cal penis lodged in a .17 cal varmint rifle.

    • DemmeFatale

      Phony foster father fantasies.

    • TheBidenator

      Amazing alliteration allocating accurate accreditation for an awful asshole.

    • eggsacklywright

      Grimy galoots gunnin’ fer gummint geeks.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Foreign fecundity finances feckless frivolity.

  • logjam

    Some people have named him “Pop Tarp”. Too soon?

    • Nounverb911

      What flavor is he?

      • Me not sure

        Embalming fluid.

      • eggsacklywright

        Lemming.

      • nmmagyar

        Mixed nuts

      • FlemmishSpy

        Bitter.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Anthrax ripple.

  • ManchuCandidate

    “Daddy Nows Best: Apocalypse Edishun” (sic)

  • beavertank

    He clearly took all the wrong lessons from Ayn Rand’s writing style.

    Man… these people are legitimately insane.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      What is it about Rand’s numbing prose and self-aggrandizing scree…er…writing style that you find offensive?

      • Vienna Woods
        • Doug Langley

          It’s corny??

        • doktorzoom

          Is there a caption, or is this one of those caption contest things?

          • Vienna Woods

            I added it after I posted it because the caption didn’t come with the link. I can see it, but if you can’t, it’s “The corn hasn’t quite matured if it’s still reading Ayn Rand.”

        • gedjcj

          There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

          –John Rogers

    • Me not sure

      “Poignancy and piquancy blended together in just the right amounts. I give it four bullets.”

    • A Grumpy Cat

      As a legitimately insane cat, I take offense!!!!!!!!!!

  • TheBidenator

    Sorry, still not very sympathetic toward Tarp Man….his delusions are par for the course among the cowboy hat wearing set of the West. These pistol packing redneck fucks and their paranoia exist in a hive mind mentality in the area Finicum lived. Bunch of retrograde racist assholes….

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I grew up around assholes like this. Not all of ’em were bad, but the worst of the lot were the ones that would come into town on weekends to beat up drunken Native Americans by the railroad tracks. It was like game of Saturday flag football to them.

    • Ricky Gay

      Finicum – Finigo

      • The Wanderer

        (applauds)

  • Jeamonn

    This is from Amazon’s description:

    “Tells of a family’s struggle to come together and survive in the midst of national crisis. A stirring, fast-paced novel about what matters most in the face of devastating end-times chaos. Filled with gripping action and relatable characters, readers are drawn into the heart-rending dilemmas each member of the Bonham family faces. You may even find yourself stopping to ask, “What would I do?” LaVoy Finicum is a real life Northern Arizona Rancher who loves nothing more in life than God, freedom, and family. His spine tingling storytelling conveys in graphic detail just how fragile and precious freedom truly is and leaves his readers with an increased desire to stand for freedom”

    Point of order, he’s actually a real dead rancher from Norther Arizona. Lets take a look at a review:

    Warning: Graphic Content and not for little cowpokes but big government warriors who are hot to trot to the refuge of America!

    By Not My Real Name on January 11, 2016

    Format: Kindle Edition

    I’m not usually a fan of homoerotic fan fiction, or slash, or furries, or a capella, or drooling ultraconservative fantasies, or multi-page iambic pentameter explanations of the BDSM lifestyle that bang and pop with the staccato rhythm of a AR-15 rapid-firing blanks on a dirty motel vibrating bed for $0.25 ever five minutes. But this guy makes it work. I feel like I’m there under the tarp, covered in a hot, wet, creamy mess of violent right-wing day dreams and night e-missions to save this country from itself. This book changed my life and it could change yours. This is the best product yet to come. Out of the Bundy Brothers’ authors’ guild in central Oregon.

    Smaller point, I am surprised how well they are snarking this in the reviews at Amazon.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Point of order, he’s was actually a welfare mooch who lived on a ranch.

    • nmmagyar

      Is there a review by JC Christian, Patriot? His are the best

      • nothingisamiss

        Thank you for introducing me to this patriot.

        • nmmagyar

          He used to have a pretty active blog “Jesus’ General”, I believe

  • Tallmutha

    I hope the guns come out OK.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      Spoiler alert!

  • FauxAntocles

    If only we had single-payer health care, Dan’s baby needn’t have died!

  • Major_Major_Major

    At least it wasn’t a coordinated nucular attack, those are dangerous. Nuclear attacks, now, those are nothing to worry about.

  • Objectifer

    For several years I was one of those “out-of-shape” rangers at Phantom Ranch. Inner Canyon rangers are some of the fittest people I’ve ever known. Comes from running up and down those trails all day rescuing unprepared mormon fucknuts. Code W’s we called them – wimp.

    As for stealing the guns, we had one .38 in the ranger station. We never carried it because it was useless weight.

    • nmmagyar

      But how did you kill all the black bears (and Blahs) that roam the trails looking for prey?

      • A Grumpy Cat

        With his bear hands, duh.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      But did you walk around in tarp like real men do?

    • Whale Chowder

      Well now you know that when the apocalypse comes, you’ll be SOL. One gun, pfft!

      • Objectifer

        Not to worry, I have a cunning plan.

        • Peripatetic Poltroon

          Stay put? Phantom Ranch would be a good place to wait out the apocalypse. Plenty of fish & mule meat. I’m sure there must be a book on edible wild plants lying about. Plus an occasional heavily-laden mountain biker to snack on.

          • Sam Hain

            long pig.

    • Sam Hain

      Yeah, but truthfully, how much French Vanilla Creamer were you guys drinking?

  • Me not sure

    Oh, if we only had a large well-equipped professional military with a large nuclear deterrent, those mean old Russians and Chinese would have left us alone.

    • Spotts1701

      Apparently military cuts also included every form of early-warning system and intelligence gathering network the U.S. has in order to cause a surprise nuclear attack.

      • Me not sure

        Thanks, Obama!

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Well, they had to pay for all the expanded social programs SOMEHOW, and of course the military is traditionally the first place we look when we’re cutting the budget, so, this makes perfect sense.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        You mean like all those early warning systems and intelligence gathering networks that enabled us to foil the attempt by a bunch of Saudis to fly commercial airliners into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon?

      • guppy06

        The Queen withdrew Canada from NORAD. The is the root cause of all evils to this country, after all.

        • Peripatetic Poltroon

          You leave Freddy Mercury out of this.

  • Vienna Woods

    What, not “Sundays with the Terrorists”?

    • Nounverb911

      That’s the new Fox News show starting next week.

    • bozilingus

      Is there another Republican debate scheduled for today?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Sundays With The Terriers”. Much more enjoyable!

      • Jenny

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Did you get immunized before you started reading this shit?

    • Pickwicknext

      Yes, that’s why Dok has the autism now.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        !!1DOKTORZOOM LIBELZ!!!1!11

  • smr06va

    Did he not explain the importance of always having possession of a blue tarp to his children in the book??!!??

    How can they survive and rebuild ‘Murica without a blue tarp handy?

    Something is not right here…………..

    • nmmagyar

      He had to use the tarp as a shroud for his son who died on an unspecified illness that the government refused to treat. Or something.

      • Anarchy Pony

        DEATH PANELS!!!

    • Pickwicknext

      Not knowing where thier tarp is will not make anyone a hoopy frood.

      • The Wanderer

        I always know where my towel and tarp are.

    • eggsacklywright

      Tarp, schmarp. Just grab a towel and stick out your thumb.

    • lroom

      Sadly the tarp did not survive the nuclear strike.

  • SessileRaptor

    The biggest thing that angers me about this type of survivalist crapbag writing (and there’s a lot more of it out there than you think) is that you can practically feel the gleefulness with which they anticipate the collapse of civilization. No possible way any of these creeps would every even think of trying to preserve or protect america and it’s diversity, nothing deserves to exist that doesn’t march in lockstep with their libertarian cowboy wankfest where (white) men are men, women are property and them liberal weirdos all get lynched like god intended.

    Mark my words, if the shit ever does hit the fan these fuckers are going to be a primary danger to any recovery effort and need to be shot on sight.

    • Jeamonn

      It also needs readers to assume that other countries whole reason for existence is to destroy America.

      • SessileRaptor

        They hate us for our freedom, our freedom to live exactly as a bunch of sheepfucking hypocritical wanna-be cowboys want us to.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        *wide eyed stare* It isn’t?

    • Thaumaturgist

      Secular chillianism. Sort of.

    • Ducksworthy

      I wonder if we can amend the constitution just a little bit to include a slight religious eligibility test for the Prezedency e.g. No person whose religion is ordering them to bring about the apocalypse or end of days shall be given the nuklear codes.

      • SessileRaptor

        I’m sure the founding fathers are so happy about the fact that we need to seriously consider that a presidential candidate might be a cultist of a death god and adjust the constitution accordingly.

    • lroom

      I love how in his epic heroic story whenever they see people that need help they either ride right past them or attack them to steal their stuff. Real heroes these cowboys are.

      • SessileRaptor

        Social Darwinism in action right there, if you’re in need of help then you’re unfit to survive.

      • LA Julian

        That’s a major aspect of the Left Behind novels, too.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Naw, these are the fools who run off into the wilderness on bicycles with a backpack full of MREs, no clean water, a ton of guns, and the absurd idea they don’t need a community to survive. These fools will end up whining to teh ebil gubbmint for rescue within 2 weeks or feeding the buzzards. Because despite seeing refugee camps on the evening news for years and years, they assume they are better and smarter than “those” people.

  • Objectifer

    It’s like a derpy Ed Abbey.

    • TheBidenator

      Ed Abbey libel!

  • Jeamonn

    Ugh, fucking internet. See, this is what happens when the traditional barriers to publication are removed.

    • SessileRaptor

      Don’t kid yourself, I work in a library and this genre of crap has been around for awhile now in actual book form. Slightly better written but not much.

      • Jeamonn

        Sure, but the publishing companies were geared to this type of shit. This and war novels. This is bad though…I mean really bad. A lot of the writers you are talking about pay the bills with type of shit, but don’t really believe it.

  • witsended

    The characters sound like a right bunch of pussies, the British Thump would have eaten them for breakfast bones and all.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cA0NM5RAY0

    • Me not sure

      Dump Trump! Vote Thump!

    • TheBidenator

      I could get behind this Thump- he sounds like the man to go to if you need some assistance in a row with some other soccer Hooligans and like he’s a man who knows his way around administering a Glasgow grin…..

      Also, Trump reminds me of the American Enoch Powell.

      • eggsacklywright

        Or Oswald Mosley.

  • T Kevin

    I’m on pins and needles!

    • Doug Langley

      Maybe you need a new mattress . . .

    • The Wanderer

      Stop sitting in the sewing basket, then.

  • Spurning Beer

    This is all such an education to me! I thought that “preppers” were those guys in khakis, boat shoes, Ray-Bans, and golf shirts with the collars popped.

    • nmmagyar

      No, those guys are called “douches” now.

      • “Now”?

        • nmmagyar

          I was one of them when they were still cool. In 1984.

          • Ah. See, I was never cool, so….

          • Peripatetic Poltroon

            Does telling yourself that help keep the bitterness at bay?

          • nmmagyar

            Drakkar and Polo 4 eva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Jenny

    As for emp destroying all the cars, aren’t most cars constructed to channel electric currents along the body and to the ground? Or maybe just park in a garage? Or make your paranoid family drive 70’s station wagons?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      EMP would kill pretty much anything with a computer. Parking in a garage would not help. Which makes me wonder – do celphones still work in this fantasyland?

      • The Wanderer

        Nope, although the “author” might have handwaved it.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Oh, there’s plenty of handwaving already, I’m sure. A bit more won’t change much.

          • The Wanderer

            Must have looked like he had the jazz hands.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Older models of automobiles without complex electronics will still be operational at least until they run out of gas. Siphoning from abandoned vehicles will only work so long as gas will eventually go bad.

        • Pickwicknext

          If gas sits around long enough, it turns into wine. That’s what mom told me

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Well, yeah. I said “anything with a computer.” It takes a good while for gas to go bad, too. On the upside, I guess we’d see a lot of shiny, garage-queen muscle cars out and about again! For a while, anyway.

          • bozilingus

            Must steal supplies of Sta-Bil&reg

          • Pinkham’s Law

            And a pristine AAR ‘Cuda. *breathes heavily*

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Don’t forget the Brawndo! It’s got electrolytes!

        • Jenny

          New objective: take over a fuel refinery. Makes as much sense as the rest of the book!

          • Doug Langley

            Hey, it made a great Mad Max movie.

        • Reddishrabbit

          Wow, finally owning a classic English car will be an advantage!
          Until it breakdowns, so about 5 miles.

          • Objectifer

            Got to be prepared.

          • ZangoCrudmonger

            Bloody hell! My first (!) Triumph TR4 was positive ground, for about a week until I decided fuck that noise. Funny thing is that I picked it up at a HUUUUUUGE discount b/c the wiring harness was disconnected from all the terminals and the seller had just given up all hope. Good times.

          • The Wanderer

            British Leyland?

          • Reddishrabbit

            Morris Mini. I knew someone with a Leyland, mostly talked about best part suppliers.

      • Robyn Ryan

        Including the attacking forces electronics. Relay towers don’t discriminate.

      • Other modes of transportation will be adopted quickly.

        http://static.zerochan.net/TIGER…BUNNY.full.818482.jpg

    • guppy06

      “Ground” in the electrical sense: the base from which all other electrical potentials are measured. The body of a car is the (electrical) ground, with the negative lead from the battery essentially connected directly to the metal frame.

      And the induced currents in all the sensitive electronics (e.g. the fuel injector) would eventually make their way back to the black post on the battery, but the issue is what happens as those coulombs make their way there, through routes that were never intended to handle them

  • Spotts1701

    Reads like Tom Clancy once his head was firmly up his own ass – the characters have all of the depth and personality of cardboard standees, but the weapons and technology are explained to the point of exhaustion.

    • TheBidenator

      …..then the Clinton machine killed him. But unlike Mike Huckabee, Tom Clancy did not get better….

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Tom was always a bit obsessed with weapons and technology…it was, after all, what got him into this in the first place, but early on with Jack Ryan there were some actual attempts at characterization. Sadly, that faded with time.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        It happens to popular writers who start listening to their fans instead of their editors.

    • TxSpinyLizrd

      Too many female characters for a Clancy novel.

  • OneDemin EOr

    “Lip homage”? I suspect there was a well-worn paperback Thesaurus between his two Remingtons.
    Proof that the vanity press is alive and well.

    • Pickwicknext

      Thesaurus? Isn’t that one of them dinosaurs that jeebus rode?

    • Antimassacree

      Lip homage was on full display when Huckster and Frothy fluffed Trump! at the non-debate. Get a private room, boys!

    • Gary Charound

      A Remington typewriter and a Remington firearm? Needz moar Remingtonz.

      • nmmagyar

        Sculptures?

        • Gary Charound

          Definitely a chiseler.

      • OneDemin EOr

        That’s the reference.

  • Joshua Norton

    with some pretty cheesy action sequences thrown in to hold the whole mess together.

    So it’s probably going to end up as a new M. Night Shyamalan movie.

    • The Wanderer

      Michael Bay.

      • Me not sure

        Don’t give that asshole any ideas.

        • Pickwicknext

          He doesn’t get those. He gets explosions around moderately attractive &/or slightly racist people and things

      • TheBidenator

        Hey if you guys want to have some fun, read the audience reviews of “Benghazi: the Movie” on Rotten Tomatoes. I was really bored at work one day and started reading them and they are like, a feast of wingnuttery….my favorite are the ‘Democrats’ who left the movie feeling ashamed of Obama. I’d review them if I could because some are a real tour de force….

        • Odd Jørgensen

          pretty much what one would expect from the crowd that takes everything from fox as gospel truth. Hitlery!!! Benghazi!!1!!!1! Gubmint bad!!!

      • Robyn Ryan

        I did my doctoral dissertation on unread messages in Pearl Harbor films. Had to watch that POS film over and over… I lived uphill from Pearl Harbor and watched it being filmed. Arrrghhh….

      • Celtic_Gnome
    • SessileRaptor

      With the end twist being that the main character had a stroke and everything that happened is his dying fantasy before they pull the plug on him at the hospital.

    • Me not sure

      “I see Fed people.”

  • The Wanderer

    There’s a series of books called The Survivalist, if I recall correctly. It’s the same basic premise: A family, all right-thinking Americans, naturally, take to the hills with supplies and lovingly-described weapons to defend Our Way of Life (which is always dead and buried sometime in the first few chapters).

    • bozilingus

      Farnham’s Freehold without the cannibalism.

      • Playonwords

        Or the incest – Oh that was “Time Enough for Love”

        • guppy06

          Yeah, certain characters conveniently died before the incest bit happened.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        But still plenty of the racism, I’m sure.

    • guppy06

      Sounds like a prequel to The Hills Have Eyes.

    • nmmagyar

      Harry Turtledove’s “Supervolcano” also, too.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      This reminds me of the comic Crossed: Family Values…..only with less cannibal fuck zombies.

      p.s. EXTREMELY NSFW

      http://scans-daily.dreamwidth.org/5089811.html

  • Villago Delenda Est

    So, it’s crap, like Atlas Shrugged. Good to know. Probably will not substitute it for some Twilight fanfic.

    • Pickwicknext

      So, Fifty Shades of Grey?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Fifty Shades of Derp

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Well, I am glad to hear Finicum wanted to see us all dead. Sort of removes the last tenuous threads of empathy I had for the guy.

    Suggestions for a re-write: needs moar zombies.

  • River CitySlicker

    “Tarp Man” who was shot to death last week after trying to escape arrest and reaching for a gun.” ============

    How do you know that? Family members say he was just reaching for a breath mint.

    • Me not sure

      “It’s a breath mint and a death mint!”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Something something desert topping floor wax.

        • eggsacklywright

          “Just taste it!”

        • Mehmeisterjr

          It’s a dessert topping and santorum.

      • “He was just sucking a mint when it suddenly went off.”

        • Me not sure

          I had that happen with an Altoids once.

    • bozilingus

      “Tic Tac, paddy-wack, give the dog a bone,
      This old man’s not coming home.”

    • guppy06

      Hell, the way he kept talking about preferring dying than going to jail, if “suicide by cop” didn’t work out it’s quite possible he was reaching for a quick gargle.

  • Count Awesome

    I wonder if the bug out bags they all have are stocked with dildos.

    • Antimassacree

      The silencers do double duty.

  • Jeamonn

    Jeeze, I feel cheated. The only thing my dad taught me was how to separate stems and seeds using just a pair of chop sticks. That and how to buy a small thing of gum with a 20 dollar food stamp and then get cash for the change. I guess I’m one of those poor sheep doomed to get eaten by wolves.

    • Jenny

      My mom taught me that too!

    • bozilingus

      Find an old record album cover. (Heard this from a friend who heard this from a friend…)

      • Jenny

        My mom put her stash in a metal cake pan. Easily slid under furniture.

  • Beulah

    EMP! That’s why I keep my vehicles under large tin-foil hats.

    • Anarchy Pony

      My garage is a giant Faraday cage.

      • guppy06

        My garage is a giant cage where I keep Faraday!

        (“It rubs the lotion on its skin…”)

        • Pickwicknext

          Well someone has to! We don’t want a dry corpse on our hands!

      • Playonwords

        Beaten to it but …

        How many Faraday do you keep and do they breed?

        • guppy06

          The boy capacitors have three leads instead of two.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Unfortunately, they only keep Faraday.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        Let him go, you bastard.

  • frrolfe

    Is this “Finicum’s Wake”?

    • bozilingus

      Our memories of him are fonder than his foster kids’ will be.

    • Me not sure

      One hopes.

    • Gary Charound

      Does it say so at the top of the post in red letters?

    • Playonwords

      As long as it isn’t written like this

      Sir Tristram, violer d’amores, fr’over the short sea, had passen-core rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggy isthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war: nor had topsawyer’s rocks by the stream Oconee exaggerated themselse to Laurens County’s gorgios while they went doublin their mumper all the time: nor avoice from afire bellowsed mishe mishe to tauftauf thuartpeatrick: not yet, though venissoon after, had a kidscad buttended a bland old isaac: not yet, though all’s fair in vanessy, were sosie sesthers wroth with twone nathandjoe.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        And that’s why I don’t read Joyce. Although I suppose one doesn’t read Joyce so much as mumpfish streudel.

    • Shibusa

      Oops, my bad. I should have scrolled down before posting the same thing!

  • SadDemInTex

    You had me at his use of peddling for pedaling. Also kudos for the one who came up with “Finicum’s Wake”. I think Joyce would have appreciated the name that ends in cum.

    • eggsacklywright

      Cumagain’s Wank.

    • The Wanderer

      He pedaled his ass all over town?

    • Robyn Ryan

      There was a lovely meme with a tarp over a grave…. ‘shroud of Finicum.’

  • Jeamonn

    “HayLee, get up,” she called to her sister in the dark. “We need to be moving.”

    HayLee didn’t answer, and KayLee remembered that she was at her boyfriend Jermaine’s apartment. Alone with that BBC.

    • nmmagyar

      What does the British Broadcasting Corporation have to do with this?

  • Spurning Beer

    I assume the second installment of the review will cover the part with post-apocalyptic Mel Gibson and all the bad ass rusty jalopies and that guy with the flame-thrower guitar.

    • eggsacklywright

      BlunderDome.

      • Playonwords

        Derperado

        • Querolous

          No Country for Old Derps.

    • The Wanderer

      “Won’t you take me to
      Bartertown?
      Won’t you take me to
      Bartertown?”

      Lipps Inc. will get back together!

      • Me not sure

        Back when “Funkytown”was popular the senior class at the school that I was teaching at chose it for their class song. Good times!

    • Robyn Ryan

      conveniently ignoring the effects of radiation and the laws of physics.

    • The Wanderer

      Hah! The post-apocalypse actually looks rather nice:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sR_PeHh9wZQ

    • nmmagyar

      But not the updated version where the wimmiz are too uppity

  • The Wanderer

    Did they sing this as they made their way across the conveniently Mad Max-esque apocalyptic hellscape?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_tELkI0vbU

    • Antimassacree

      *fist bump*

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “The hills are alive, with the sound of radioactive mutants”

      • Antimassacree

        Arrrrrgh…argh, argh argh!

    • TheBidenator

      Hey now, in Mad Max’s world a bunch of S&M perverts who for whatever reason created their wardrobe out of bits animal bones, hubcaps and human skin would have already driven up, ass raped them all and taken off with nitro power!

      • The Wanderer

        Yeah, who would have thought that nitro-burning funny cars would be so readily available post-apocalypse?

  • Antimassacree

    I suspect the working title for “Only by Blood and Suffering” was “My Family Got Ours, Fuck Y’all!”

  • Jeamonn

    Is third or first person? I feel like if he had more than one character with dialogue he switched to third. Either way, this guy’s writing can destroy minds quicker than crack bought with welfare checks.

    • doktorzoom

      Oh, yeah, shoulda mentioned that: Each chapter is focused on a different character, and some are first person while others are third. It’s internally consistent, at least.

      • Jeamonn

        George R.R. Martin Libelz!!!

    • pstockholm

      First-person shooter.

  • TheBidenator

    Alternate title: “When a Man Loves His Pistol” and it’s still a better love story than Twilight.

    • Lady Bird Bachmann

      “Happiness is a Hard Gun”

  • ZangoCrudmonger

    Google maps says it’s only 5.5 hours to Finicum’s cross from my place. Alas, I have neither the dildoes nor the time to spare for a proper pilgrimage.

    • Playonwords

      Drive by withSuperSoaker full of lube.

      • sw19womble

        Or tap water from Flint

  • guppy06

    So it seems Tarp Man was prepared for every possibility, except for the possibility of taking a short drive away from the group’s encampment, or the possibility of trying to play quick-draw with multiple law enforcement officers who already has theirs out.

    If we’re supposed to live by the man’s example to Save Us All, I’m really not impressed.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Who would have thought the Feds would have a rifleman in the trees by the roadblock? That’s just diabolical!

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I realize that you’re saying it sarcastically, but who the hell would have though they WOULDN’T have riflemen in the trees? Trying to remember – did he claim to have served in the military? Google isn’t helping – even searching for “lavoy finicum obituary” bring up page after page of recent articles about the shooting, etc.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          God only knows if any of them ever served in the military despite what they claimed. Any possible service was surely short-lived since they would be so very bad at that playing well with others that the military’s into.

  • tehbaddr

    Thank you Wonkette for throwing yourself on the grenade, so we might taste the remnant bitter twisted shrapnel.

  • doktorzoom

    Also, too: Thanks to “DahBoner” and “bluicebank” for both coming up with my kicker hed within a few minutes of each other.

    • Beulah

      It’s brilliant, as they often are.

  • Me not sure

    “It was a dark and stormy apocalypse.”

    • The Wanderer

      You have made me giggle.

      • Me not sure

        My work is done here.

  • Robyn Ryan

    Killing off the hero’s spouse is mandatory as a set up for the plot. Gotta have guiltless lust with some hot strange.

    • zerosumgame0005

      brings in the whole “Lot” thing, will he become “holy” by raping his daughters too?

      • The Wanderer

        There’s a Saint Liebowitz outside asking for you.

      • Robyn Ryan

        Oh, no. They get HIM drunk, so it’s not his fault. They just can’t enough of those slim hips……

    • malsperanza

      And outraged manhood can only go berserk if Teh Wimmen has been violated and killed. Plus, it’s way easier to hang out with the other men if you don’t have a damned female getting underfoot.

      • Robyn Ryan

        I see you’ve read the script. Or seen a lot of Charles Bronson movies.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      If “Mother” is living in a McMansion in Albuquerque, NM while wise old “Dad” is on a ranch in Orderville, Utah, I’d say they killed off the ex-wife….who unwisely and disloyally embraced the soft gubbmint lifestyle instead of her Lord & Master’s wholesome Morman one and paid for the sin with her life!

  • btwbfdimho

    Al-Buquerque, Route 66, Santa Rosa…
    I’d add a chapter named “Finicum Visits Tucumcari, Finding That Nobody Cares about Obamacare”.

    • Me not sure

      Also too, Tehachapi and Tonopah.

      • The Wanderer

        Azusa, Anaheim, and CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCAMONGA!

      • Objectifer

        Don’t forget Winona. Wait…what?

        • Me not sure

          Little Feat (also Linda Ronstadt)!

    • Msgr_Moment

      For the young’ns:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJHcD0kHTGk
      (EDIT: This lovely young woman was actually Governor Jerry Brown’s honey. Imagine.)

      • Beaumarchais?

        Ah, the goddess of my youth. And a truly nice person, too. So sad that she cannot ever sing again.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Well, thanks to this cautionary tale, I now realize my emergency plan to head to the nearest National Park and stand in line outside a closed ranger station needs a rethink.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Yes, get to work on coverting a former missile silo into a remote bunker so you can be with the kool kids.

      • Me not sure

        I somehow feel that missile silos, whether active or not, would be right up there on the list of first strike targets.

      • Me not sure

        I somehow feel that missile silos, whether active or not, would be right up there on the list of first strike targets.

      • DahBoner
    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      OK, that was funny.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Maybe it’s not too late to run to walmart and buy a bike.

  • tehbaddr

    “The handle was hand carved from a single piece of rose wood. The deep maroon colored wood was polished smooth by the calloused hands that had held it. The steel of the gun had never been left un-oiled and with the years of wear from the holster it had developed a patina that accented the quality of the gun. It was always buckled around the narrow hips of my father in a double loop Mexican style holster.”

    She remembered when she first saw the gun. The thought of it brought back vivid memories, and made her lady parts tingle.

    • Swampay

      Even then, she remembers trying to suppress her excitement at her father’s lean masculine figure, the very definition of manliness

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        Are we talking about Ivanka & The Donald?

  • Count Awesome

    At the end are there cows grazing on privately owned land that was once federally owned?

    • Vienna Woods

      After all those nuclear bombs, they’ll be cows with 2 heads.

      • Count Awesome

        Two headed cows are still better than demon sheep.

        • BearDAD

          I kinda “like” sheep.

        • Rick Hill

          Not if you deep fry ’em. Demon sheep slathered in a beer batter and dunked in a vat of boiling peanut oil is some good eatin’!

      • Me not sure

        Wow! That would drop the price of calve’s brains in the “specialty meats” case by half

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No, because they overgrazed, turning the sagebrush into a sand field.

  • fawkedifiknow

    I’m not going to bother reading the book. I’ll just wait for the inevitable blockbuster movie.

    • Rick Hill

      I can’t wait for that release, too. It will help round out my conservative, ridiculous movies that never need watching.

    • Shibusa

      Finicum’s Wake.

    • btwbfdimho

      Indeed, finally Jewish-liberal Hollywood will make a movie about guns! No, wait.
      Regarding the cast, I’d propose Bristol Palin as a cashier at the Love’s Travel Stop in Santa Rosa, NM.
      Also: Custom Design by Sheriff Arpaio.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Michael Bay’s next smash hit!

  • Swampay

    ““[When] our country gets hit it will be a massive nuclear ‘first strike’ by Russia and China.”
    I remember when I realized all on my own that Russia and China weren’t likely to attack the U and S America together because they’d be vulnerable to each other. It was another 5 years later that I realized that they hate each other and would never band together anyhoo.

    • malsperanza

      It’s Always Projection with These Guys. They would love it if the US did a random first strike against a nuclear power with a vast army. I have no idea why. Perhaps because unlike China and Russia, we have zero experience of what a war is like when it happens on your home ground.

      • iGrover

        Exactly. And when they call the Europeans pussies they forget that every European generation except for the last one or two had experienced some form of occupation and brutal war for the last 1,000 years.

        • malsperanza

          It’s one reason why I reversed myself and became an advocate of a universal draft. … Conveniently, I came to this conclusion soon after becoming too old to be drafted. But still.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        Consult 1861-1865. Truly hideous war. Most of the country has forgotten it; part of the country won’t stop yapping about it. Maybe we should remember it better, for reason stated above.

        • malsperanza

          True. You’d think the burning of southern cities might have left a residue of understanding about what it’s like to be made war upon. But no.

  • Rick Hill

    “The deep maroon colored wood was polished smooth by the calloused hands that had held it”
    “Because he used it a lot. Shooting his bullets with it. Killing all the things that made him feel inadequate and stupid. He shot it a LOT.”

    • malsperanza

      Killing things by hand – it’s oldskool, All your tools are worn and polished smooth by the calloused hands of people who do actual work for a living, such as driving around in pickup trucks, collecting federal subsidies.

      You should see the smoothly polished TV clicker this hero has. And the smoothly polished seat of his Lazyboy. And the smoothly polished Coors cans piled next to it.

    • sosuume

      Nah, he left out the best part — “The deep maroon colored wood was polished smooth by the calloused hands that held it. It was always buckled around the
      narrow hips of my father in a double loop Mexican style holster, and I remember
      as a kid fellating its barrel as my father masturbated into a handkerchief.”

  • btwbfdimho

    USA became ever more dependent on foreign debt and fake Federal Reserve money that isn’t backed by gold or silver.

    Non capisco…if we can print fake money, why the foreign debt?
    Also, going back to gold or silver is so 1500s…no wonder Ted The Cruzader likes that idea so much.
    But guess what? Buying guns is one of the safest (sic) investments around, yielding higher long-term returns than real assets like land or houses! Oh, was that Finicum spinning along with one of the 72 virgins?
    http://commodityhq.com/investing-ideas/7-hard-asset-investments-you-can-hold-in-your-hand/

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If one thinks that basing currency on gold is a great idea, one should consult with the Spanish Hapsburgs on that.

      • btwbfdimho

        Exactly! Conquistador Pizarro discovered El Cerro Rico in Peru, they filled up Spain with gold coins and blowed up the economy with hyperinflation…

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Adam Smith, author of the second least read major work in all of Christendom, The Wealth of Nations, spends several chapters explaining all this, and the nature of money itself.

          • btwbfdimho

            Thanks for the reference! I never read him…but I should…

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            It’s a slow, dull slog – good luck!

          • malsperanza

            Little read; often cited.

        • harryeagar

          Silver, actually. It was American silver that drove the great inflation

      • malsperanza

        Nonsense! Gold has inherent value! It doesn’t tarnish. Plus, you can eat it, you can use it to heat your house in winter, you can weave it into clothing – it’s great stuff. Better than a GDP by far.

        The other wacko economic theory beloved of the Other wingnuts – the ones who run Wall Street – is the idea that corporations can run up endless debt, just like the federal govt, without consequences. Borrowing is good! Because after all, we can always go out and print more cash for ourselves.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          To bad these folks don’t realize that every single atom of gold in or on this planet would not match our current GDP, the basis of our currency’s value.

        • LA Julian

          It’s funny how all these obsessions cluster together, although there is no logical connection between Not Enough Jesus In The Public Sphere and OMG Votes For Women!! and Scandalous Negro Music!! Foreigners Among Us!! and Going Off The Gold Standard — Therefore We Must Rebel Against The State, but they do seem to with peculiar frequency.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I do wonder what ties it all together. It’s as if everything that’s happened since 1776 (other than bigger and badder guns) is regarded as a negative.

        • Damian L

          I don’t think he meant the ‘Acapulco Gold’ of which you speak.

  • annaaurora

    “the Stand” 2A batshit style, yeehawd!

    • eggsacklywright

      Red Yawn.

  • Count Awesome

    I always love that in most post-apocalypse settings there is never a problem finding ammo for their guns.

    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      That’s how it is in the vidja games…crates of ammo and loot for the taking! No problem in fantasy land.

      • The Wanderer

        Along with Health!

    • bobbert

      Well, to be fair, there is an awful lot of ammo in USAmerica.

    • iGrover

      That’s why I plan on getting a flintlock and making my own ammo.

    • doktorzoom

      To be fair, this thing takes place in the first few months after the End, and the main characters are all preppers.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      A lot of these guys bank thousands of rounds. That will last a good long while if you don’t waste it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      There’s already enough ammo stashed in “Murka’s basements and bunkers to fight a world war. However, in a Mad Max future, these nutters would last only as long as their water did. They’d realize they were fucked as soon as that gub’mint-provided water stopped coming out of their taps.

  • rick

    Oh nothing better in this here world, than sweet folksy conservative derp written by “I won’t live in a concrete room ” Tarp Man.

  • Lady Bird Bachmann

    Praise Jesus! That’ll go perfectly with my signed copies of Mein Kampf and The Turner Diaries on the bookshelf. Having three books will make me look like an intellectual now!.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Protocols of the Elders of Zion libel!!

    • malsperanza

      Back issues of Guns ‘n’ Ammo and Soldier of Fortune libel! Hey, those things are collectors items, soon to be worth a fortune on ebay.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        Especially if you have issues from before SoF stopped accepting ads for hit man services. That was 20-30 years ago.

    • LA Julian

      I misread your first sentence as “Pirate Jesus”…

      • Lady Bird Bachmann

        Butt pirate Jesus?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Preppers love the idea of an EMP making all those fancy college degrees irrelevant, and making gold coins the only “trustworthy currency” after all.

    • rick

      Glenn Beck, is that you?

      • Pickwicknext

        Not enough random chalk boards

        • The Wanderer

          No sign of the bunny and the chain saw, either.

    • doktorzoom

      No, no, you’re missing the point. It was going off the gold standard that ruined everything in the first place.

      • LA Julian

        “You took our joke of a post office, Mr. Lipwig, and made it a solemn undertaking. But the banks of Ankh-Morpork, sir, are very serious indeed. They are serious donkeys, Mr. Lipwig. There have been too many failures. They’re stuck in the mud, they live in the past, they are hypnotized by class and wealth, they think gold is important.”

        “Er…isn’t it?”

        “No. And thief and swindler that you are—pardon me, once were—you know it, deep down. For you, it was just a way of keeping score,” said Vetinari. “What does gold know of true worth? Look out of the window and tell me what you see.”

        “Um…a small, scruffy dog watching a man taking a piss in an alley,” said Moist. “Sorry, but you chose the wrong time.”

        “Had I been taken less literally,” said Lord Vetinari, giving him a Look, “you would have seen a large, bustling city, full of ingenious people spinning wealth out of the common clay of the world. They construct, build, carve, bake, cast, mold, forge, and devise strange and inventive crimes. But they keep their money in old socks. They trust their socks better than they trust banks. Coinage is in artificially short supply, which is why your postage stamps are now a de facto currency. Our serious banking system is a mess. A joke, in fact.”

        “It’ll be a bigger joke if you put me in charge,” said Moist.

        Vetinari gave him a brief little smile. “Will it?” he said. “Well, we all need a chuckle sometimes.”

        • doktorzoom

          I’m just sad that we’ll never get to see Alan Rickman as Lord Vetinari. Or Pete Postlethwaite as Sam Vimes.

          • LA Julian

            Sigh, yes. Or Christopher Lee reprising his role as Count von Magpyr…

  • Lady Bird Bachmann

    The future is gong to need sex toys. We can’t have a future worth living without sex toys.

    • Callyson

      I think there is a good supply of those up in Oregon.

      • LA Julian

        I believe they burned them in a “Bonfire of the Inanities” unfortunately.

  • jmhm

    I am learning so much about Hitler today.

    Only, if in the world he’s imagined for himself the overwhelming majority of the germans were enthusiastic nazis, what possible good would it have done for the jews to hold on to their guns? Because I keep hearing that would have been a game changer.

    Also, do you suppose he meant ‘lip homage’ to sound a little dirty?

    • gene108

      Do you watch movies? A good guy with a gun can totally wipe out battalions of Nazis.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Imperial Troopers, Storm Troopers. All of them.

      • The Wanderer

        Back in Ye Olden Days, Hollywood used “Indian bullets” in their Westerns. You fired one, and ten braves bit the dust.
        (/horrible cultural meme)

      • Celtic_Gnome

        I must admit, I did find the big action scene in Inglorious Basterds to be viscerally satisfying.

    • malsperanza

      Not to mention that even if the Jews had all had guns, a citizen militia stands no chance against an industrialized military. If these guys were serious, they’d be getting their hands on some B-2s.

      Of course, the Poles did hang onto their guns, and did have a whole army too. Unlike the Austrians, they resisted, and the result was that the country was decimated, Warsaw burned to the ground, and 20% of the population died, including 90% of the Jews. Fuck these guys and their google-hopping version of history.

      • mailman27

        There’s a significant number of historians who believe that the Wehrmacht was the greatest military force that had ever existed up to that time. They just dashed themselves on the rocks of the USSR.

    • doktorzoom

      As it happens, I just picked up from the Boise Library Peter Ross Range’s 1924: the Year that Made Hitler, after hearing the author interviewed on “Fresh Air” a couple weeks back. It will be nice to read some serious history for a change.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        What’s this? Illegally commenting on your own article? Is this like the arsonist who hangs out in the crowd that’s watching his fire?

        • doktorzoom

          From the commentariate I came, and with the commentariate I remain.

          Or, if you prefer, “Gaabba -gabba! One of us! One of us!”

  • Cranky Man

    Is their a part ware somejuan peddels an bike to a gun show to pedal there weapons to unprepped citersans?

    • eggsacklywright

      Brethren and cistern.

      • Querolous

        Cistern-cuzins.

      • Cranky Man

        Ha ha, or breathruns and cisterns. Luckily I have a few relatives at that end of the craziness spectrum, so I always have fresh material in my inbox or fb.

  • Callyson

    it’s a damned shame the man never learned the difference between pedaling and peddling

    As he was pedaling toward the local bookstore, the author thought about how he would go about peddling his crappy, fear-mongering book…

    • malsperanza

      Unless there’s a steel guitar involved, I doubt there’s much pedaling in this guy’s life. Those ranchers never get out of their 4x4s; they just pee out the window.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Give me liberty or give me heated leather seats!

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        Them’s mighty impressive schlongs. Does ranchin’ do that for ya? Or is it the cow farts?

  • guppy06

    such completely identical twins that they don’t bother having individual personalities

    Plot twist: there is only one twin (if there ever really was a second). The stress of the apocalypse has caused HayLee (or is it KayLee? Does it matter any more?) to snap and imagine a sister she may or may not have had at one point, perpetually having a spoken conversation with her. This is why others always seem to stop and stare at “them.”

    • TheBoatDude

      Then they started a soap making business using human fat…

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Throw some incest in there and you have the makings of the next VC Andrews series.

      • guppy06

        Flowers in the Tarp?

        • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

          And it’s sequel Garden Of Dildos

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Finicum’s fantasy life is even duller than his real one was. Hardly seems possible.

  • Callyson

    Once out of the Canyon, they take to the trails again, but the sickly baby dies and Dan’s first impulse is to rage at the out of control federal government that ruined America:

    Anger rose up inside of me. I wanted to blame someone, anyone. But who? Who had allowed our country to become so vulnerable?

    The Republicans, who want to replace Obamacare with nothing?

    • Rick Hill

      And consumer protections with nothing. And food, environmental, safety regulations with nothing.

    • Me not sure

      It would be different if the kid had been poisoned by bad drinking water. That’s just bad luck.

      • Rick Hill

        Or if they were black when confronted by the wrong cop. Just plain old bad luck.

    • gene108

      Even our hunter-gatherer ancestors did not try to hoof it cross country, like the Bonham’s are trying to do. They had enough sense to realize babies were (a) the future and (b) fragile, therefore they took care of babies as best they could, which included making camp in a place, while mother and child got stronger.

      For a hardy survivalist Jake lacks some very basic common sense, when it comes to babies.

      One can argue Jake killed his kid, by being so damn stupid as to think a baby can survive a long arduous journey as easily as an adult.

      There’s a reason babies require constant attention, they are not as hardy and tough as grown-ups.

      • malsperanza

        Well, youknow, there’s a long history of wingnuts, especially Christianists, neglecting and abusing their babbies and then blaming the government when they die. See also: antivaxxers.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Of course in a disaster of that magnitude survivors are going to work together to rebuild. Except for these assholes, everyone hates them and that’s why they had to leave.

      • TheBoatDude

        I could see how they’d be susceptible to the elements…

    • Msgr_Moment

      Rookie survivalist writing mistake. I’d go with “‘Thanks, Obama,’ he screamed at the mountains.”

      • Peter Witting

        Brilliant! An up fist for you. Can the echo reverberate through the uncaring, emotionless cold stone cliffs, too?

    • Notreelyhelping

      Is it me, or is he channeling vintage Shatner? You could throw a “Mr. Spock” in at the end of almost every sentence.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I assume a career spent reading freshman essays is responsible for the stamina with which Dok approached the very idea of reviewing this dreck.

    • Yr. Gma

      When I retired, I swore I’d never read another one, so thanks, Dok!

  • Bitter Scribe

    Now if only All-Knowing Rancher Dad dies in the last chapter while reaching with his callused hand for his 44-40 Colt, single action revolver with its smooth-polished, deep marooon handle, hand-carved from a single piece of rose wood…

    • btwbfdimho

      In the movie adaptation (full of electronic special effects), Google-NRA Drive will be in control of the pick-up truck, so the hero would have free hands to text, subtext (not really), pray, and shot.

  • btwbfdimho

    Speaking of herbivores grazing for freedom on our flat lands, cow flatulences are responsible for circa half of global warming.
    http://animals.howstuffworks.com/mammals/methane-cow.htm

    As they say in Roswell, NM, first came for your guns, then came for your equines, your ovine and your bovines….

    • Rick Hill

      Then they tried to force a new cow feed that limited their emission…they took your cow farrts. Is this the country we want to live in?!?!1?!

      • KBBaldwin

        You can have my cow farts when you pry them from my cold de… never mind!

  • Querolous

    “The handle was hand carved from a single
    piece of rose wood. The deep maroon colored wood was polished smooth by
    the calloused hands that had held it. The steel of the gun had never
    been left un-oiled and with the years of wear from the holster it had
    developed a patina that accented the quality of the gun”
    1) Handle? Really ? Most gunsmiths would say “Grip”. 2) Single piece? Really? A Colt SAA (single action army) grip has two pieces. Me thinks Mr. Bluetarpman employed a ghost writer. Now he’s a ghost writer.

    • sw19womble

      And a shitty driver.

      • Rick Hill

        His anger management coach needs to knock a little off his bill, too.

      • Nockular cavity

        Really? But I was told “drive around a roadblock by driving up onto a snow-covered embankment” always works.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          No. You would almost think they planned putting that road-block at that location because the snow plows had piled snow up nicely there, and there were no people nearby or escape routes.

          But that would require good planning. Please send snacks.

          • Beaumarchais?

            Obama really is a monster.

        • TheBoatDude

          Well, that’s the way The Bandit would have handled the situation….though The Bandit would have gotten away…

    • Me not sure

      Good points. I own a colt 45 single action revolver and they all had two piece grips.

      • Querolous

        The only pistol I know of with a “handle” would be a Broom-handle Mauser.

    • malsperanza

      Also, isn’t Rosewood a foreign, imported wood?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Yes. From Indonesia. And it’s one word.

      • Damian L

        American wood ain’t what real patriots fancy.That muslim made stuff is purty.

  • sw19womble

    I hope there’s going to at least be mention of HAARP, ‘The Hum’ and MK ULTRA mind control waves in the second half.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      It’s early in the novel yet. In act 2 they may find that following Agenda 21 bicycle paths has led them right into a trap!

      • Notreelyhelping

        When do the saucers show up?

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          They’re coordinating behind the scenes with the reverse vampires

          • Peripatetic Poltroon

            Reverse vampires? Do those bite you, inject blood, and then become human?

    • lroom

      Needz moar chemtrails. (And umlauts.)

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    KayLee? Dear God, I hope he wasn’t a Firefly fan.

    • sw19womble

      Given the libertarian undertones of the series, I would imagine so.

      • Nockular cavity

        What, you mean Space Confederates? Come on! (Ducks out as angry ‘Versers start gathering.)

        • malsperanza

          I try to believe that Whedon did not intend a neofascist libertarian allegory, but the “brown coats” thing stops me every time. Sigh.

          • LA Julian

            It gets even better when you realize they’re the Heroic Confederates fighting the Lost Cause against the Union of Godless Huxleyan ChiComs!

            I think most of us just assumed Whedon was a total liberal because he is more of a feminist than most Hollywood dudebros, but really even BTVS is horribly xenophobic and its attempts to empathize with anyone who isn’t a prettily-angsty tortured white person are embarrassing-to-insulting, in hindsight and making no more excuses for its era…

    • lroom

      Joss Whedon libulz!

  • xy

    we are all dumber for this “novel” existing. may god not have mercy on his soul.

    • Tokays_don’t_blink

      Also too, we award him no points.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Well, the Oregon State cops thought they should give him a few points.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Didn’t “Dark Angel” use an EMP as part of its setup?

    Your electricity is cut off, but you get Jessica Alba. Hmmm, tough choice.

    • The Wanderer

      The premise of the series ‘Revolution’ on NBC pissed me right off. Okay, sure, you have no more electricity – but is there anything that says you can’t generate more? I mean, how the hell did they sell the idea to the assholes at GE?

      • lroom

        I never got that either. You can’t make more batteries windmills or something?

        • LA Julian

          You have to understand, most science fiction screenwriters spent science class drawing spaceships shooting lasers going “PEW PEW PEW” at each other and have absolutely no idea of any actual science whatsoever, not even conservation of matter or inertia or thermodynamics. Certainly not advanced chemistry or biological concepts like evolution!

          • jqheywood

            Asimov libel!

          • Pinkham’s Law

            He specified “screenwriters.” Not SF Authors.

          • lroom

            Evolution! That’s a myth! Sadly I’ve heard people say this crap.

      • cessnadriver

        Any electricity was eaten up by the nanites, according to the story. Power was still being generated but was immediately consumed.

        The fact that all the nuke plants would melt down if that ever happened never seemed to dawn on anyone.

        Of course, in that series the group can wade through armpit-deep sewer water and emerge dry an coiffed. So…..

        • The Wanderer

          Not to mention that the body essentially runs on electricity (balances of positive and negative ions, no woo), so why didn’t everyone on Earth die?

          • cessnadriver

            Apparently that was to be explained in the third season which didn’t happen. I lost it all on belly shirt futures.

          • LA Julian

            In fact, that’s how touch screens work..biolectric contact!

        • LA Julian

          Did the nanites also eat lightning bolts?

          • cessnadriver

            In the story there were no electrical storms because of that.

    • JH Marx

      I get Jessica Alba??
      Bunk time!

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Ditto: the tv show Jericho

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jericho_(2006_TV_series)

      Actually, this is probably bad Jericho fanfiction.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    It’s going to be bad, HayLee. I feel for the good people that turned in their guns in the mandatory buyback program of the Feds. This is no place to be in a couple of days so let’s blow on out of here while they’re still scratching their ears.”

    So there’s no food, no electricity, no running water, and these dim bubblehead twins think it would be safer if everyone had a gun.

    Not if you’re scratching your ears with it you’re not!

  • harryeagar

    Did you know preppers like Cheerios? Really, really like Cheerios.

    http://www.overstock.com/Emergency-Preparedness/Emergency-Essentials-Super-Pail-of-Honey-Nut-Toasted-Oats/9779223/product.html?recset=1f1324ca-778f-491d-a17a-774f2dba9d91&refccid=UUQEJW7NQXGIG7KNAUVQWUCU5Y&searchidx=0&recalg=61&recidx=0

    The vision of a survivalist, sitting in his stuffy bunker with his shootin’ arn ‘crost his knees, manfully munching his way through 5 gallons of dry cheerios makes me smile.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Hey, what’s not to love about lower cholesterol and a healthy colon!?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “The familiar taste and crunch of honey nut toasted oats is just what you need in the morning, especially in an emergency, when there’s very little around you that seems comforting or familiar.”

      You can’t make this stuff up.

  • malsperanza

    the travails of the Bonham family, whose patriarch, a flinty old cowboy named Jake

    Thereby inviting a whole world of Chinatown gifs and “It’s Wingnut Land, Jake …” memes.

    Thanks, Obama!

    • The Wanderer

      Naw, looks like bat country. We can’t stop here.

  • The Wanderer

    Actually, it’s not quite as interesting as Eye of Argon.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    If I ever, ever, EVER write anything that bad please remind me not to get into a deadly standoff with police afterwords.

    • cessnadriver

      A guy who writes that badly should find a bear and jump in it’s mouth.

    • theCryptofishist

      It’s the only way to find a publisher these days.

  • lroom

    Thank you for reading this ctap so I don’t have to.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Can somebody read the last 70 or so pages of “Atlas Shrugged” so I don’t have to read those?

      I read the rest of it 16 years ago, and I have never managed to make my way through the sanctimonious patronizing rant at the end of it.

      • TxSpinyLizrd

        You surpassed my effort by far. I made it about 50 pages before deciding it was boring claptrap.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          There’s rapey sex with a robot from the future in there.

      • Pinkham’s Law

        I acquired a copy about two years ago, when a friend gave me a bunch of books she no longer wanted (to make room for new ones). I know I need to read it, since so many seem to hold it as a near holy text, but have thus far not even cracked the cover open.

        • artem1s

          no, no, you really don’t have to. auction it off on ebay. claim it’s signed by the harridan herself. the paultards will make you rich. better the money go to you than TRump or Randie

        • Peripatetic Poltroon

          Cliff Notes Version: wealth = virtue. Compassion is immoral.

        • TheBoatDude

          I’ve read it a few times (I like the stuff about the trains…yes, I’m a dork). Anyway, I never got that “fuck the poor” message that some folks preach about. I got fuck the lazy, and fuck two-faced corrupt politicians and fuck good old boy CEO’s, but never fuck the poor…

          • theCryptofishist

            You’ve got to remember the author was traumatized by the Russian Revolution, and take over of her family’s wealth. She blamed the poor, rather than the Bolsheviks.
            Of course, maybe you knew all that and do not understand why that’s accepted as moral by anyone else. Can’t help you there.

      • UnsaltedSinner

        I recommend “Atlas Shrugged: The Cobra Commander Dialogues”. Much better than the original, and much shorter:

        http://www.patheos.com/blogs/daylightatheism/series/atlas-shrugged/the-cobra-commander-dialogues/

    • cessnadriver

      It would be funny to sit outside their house and flip the main breaker on and off.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        That’s just mean. Do it.

  • btwbfdimho

    BBHMM

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    I writ a book & its real dirty

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jdzSN6Zc2Zw

  • Vecciojohn LLC
  • Relativicus

    “…we get a fine scene of [Cat] equipping herself with warm clothes and boots, described in excruciating detail (the scene may have been written with help from the Cabela’s catalog).”

    So, it’s a Survivalist’s “American Psycho”?

    • Reverend Dr. Mike Anderson

      Sounds like a Christian survivalist’s “American Psycho”.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Complete with canvas dainties. I’ll be in my bunk.

  • cessnadriver

    If the nitwit foresaw the EMP attack, all he had to do is buy an older car without electronics.

    More moronity from the followers of moroni.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Carbureted, like the Founding Fathers intended.

      • Objectifer

        Points and condenser also, too.

      • cessnadriver

        George Washington didn’t drive no fuel-injected car!

    • TheBoatDude

      Bug out van!

      • LA Julian

        Tin Lizzies for everyone!

      • cessnadriver

        I do believe that the freak Koresh in the Waco thing had an older Camaro for just that purpose. He freaked out when the government towed it.

        • TheBoatDude

          Bug out Camaro? Outstanding. Was it Bondo colored?

          • cessnadriver

            If I remember it was red…with a blower….can’t make this stuff up.

    • LA Julian

      Southern California is LOADED with old cars in good condition. The lack of wet weather and road salt keeps even ancient clunkers looking surprisingly new (although the sun does fade the paint something fierce.)

      You could probably equip a motorized battalion with original VW Bugs from any neighborhood between San Diego and Palm Springs…

      • theCryptofishist

        Wait, this means when the end comes, the Cubans will invade by shipping all those classic 50s cards up from Havana.

  • dshwa

    Dok, if this doesn’t make you long to start reading books for Sundays with the Christianists again nothing will.

  • bobbert

    “A Canticle for LaVoy-witz”

  • Notreelyhelping

    Give the old boy credit for recycling: he repurposed a ton of cardboard.

  • gedjcj
    • Objectifer

      LET THERE BE LIPS!

  • Reverend Dr. Mike Anderson

    “Only by Blood and Suffering: Regaining Lost Freedom”

    Subtitled: Desperately Seeking Vindication for Food Hoarding and Gun Fetish (Please God, Don’t Make My Life a Joke)

    • UnsaltedSinner

      God didn’t play ball.

  • coozledad

    Daddy was right. First they came in with the ELOs (English language obliterators). Almost overnight, the country was filled with dumbfucks who couldn’t write their way out of a sun damaged poly tarp. The only hope left was to take refuge at Turner’s Dairy with an old box of My Weekly Reader and a dogeared copy of Strunk and White. There were magazines there too, the pictures nearly worn off from decades of manhandling.

    “Don’t fight over those, boys!” dad ejaculated. “In fact, I’ll take those until you are able to read the articles, like me.”

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Well we finally have discovered The Great American Novel! Yay!

    • bozilingus

      The Great ‘Murican Novel

      • cessnadriver

        The Great ‘Merkin Novel!

        • therblig

          i think that covers it

          • jqheywood

            ISWYDT

  • Commentista

    So, basically a Turner Diaries written for shitkickers?

    • The Wanderer

      Basically, yes.

    • cessnadriver

      Straight ripoff except for the nooses…unless they are in a part of the book not reviewed.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      More like a shitkickee in his case.

  • Commentista

    And he wrote this shite while his wife and ‘adopted’ children worked the ranch. Classic fundie Mo patriarch.

  • Reverend Dr. Mike Anderson

    It’s a shame his life was cut short before he could get the movie project going. Sam Elliot wasn’t returning his calls, but next on the list of potential Jakes was Bruce Willis (on David Fry’s recommendation).

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Don’t worry, Santorum will buy the movie rights.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Don’t worry, Santorum will scam the taxpayers of Pennsylvania into buying him the movie rights.

        FIFY

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Travolta is sort of the obvious choice here.

  • Fartknocker

    So in Part 2 a wonderfully funny large breasted, intelligent and excellent tactician vixen named Wanda from Wasilla make it to Phantom Ranch, where Jake Bonham become smitten with her beauty, leadership and ability to talk to birds. Subsequently Jake makes love to her on an ancient indian burial ground with his other Single Action Colt and 9 months they have a new baby girl named Bristol Bushmaster Mauser Mossborg, who has eyes of blued steel forgings and grows up to be an excellent moose hunter and trains a bald eagle she names Lockheed to perform aerial surveillance.

    • bozilingus

      Beastmaster libelz!!1!

    • The Wanderer

      “Tactician vixen?” Any relation to Violent Vixen: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16729462/

    • cessnadriver

      Then a black guy comes to town and sweeps her off her feet!

      • TheBoatDude

        By saying “‘scuze me while I whip this out…”

        • cessnadriver

          It’s twoo it’s twoo!!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Don’t spoil it for me, dude.

  • Objectifer

    “…the urban hell of Flagstaff, Arizona, where anarchy has no doubt already broken out.”

    It’s just Tequila Sunrise, it’ll be over Sunday.

    • DutchS

      If they want to avoid Flagstaff, which is in the opposite direction from where they need to go, sounds like they got into the tequila, already.

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        It’s the last place to get a decent latte before crossing the river. It’s not *that* far out of the way if’ you’re crossing at Phantom Ranch.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I thought anarchy was a good thing. Certainly the way they ran their pathetic Whiskey Rebellion knock-off is as close to anarchy as you can get without an adequate supply of French vanilla creamer.

      And it’s the precursor to the Great Race War that we all fap to furiously, not to mention the Rapture.

      At least, that’s how I think their logic works, assuming that logic is a thing.

    • jqheywood

      Tequila Sunrise Service at the LQ! Another Flagstaff Easter tradition. Do they still do that?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The punishment I would wish on anybody who named his daughters HayLee and KayLee does not fall within Yr Wonkette’s commenting rules.

    And hey, speaking of rules, William Makeapiece Tarpery seems to have violated most of Leonard Elmore’s valuable Ten Rules for Good Writing:

    https://www.writingclasses.com/toolbox/tips-masters/elmore-leonard-10-rules-for-good-writing

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I bet Helena Bonham Carter groans every time these yahoo distant cousins turn up at the door.

    • therblig

      sorry, helena’s not home. but i’ll tell her you stopped by.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        She looks better in Planet of the Apes costume than Finicum ever did with his real face.

  • psychobroad

    Love it! It reads like that Glenn Beck thing y’all were kind enough to cover for us a while back.

  • Yr. Gma

    Was the child’s Christian name “His Baby”? The other one was “His Toddler”?

  • Biff52

    Way to ruin my lifelong twins fantasy, Finicum.

  • AKLynne

    It is truly generous and noble of you to immortalize Tarp Man this way. I’m sure it’ll be on the New York Times best seller list in no time at all.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Mmmmmmmmmmaybe not.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I think we all have “deeply held fantasies about freedom” – some of them based on lies we were taught in elementary school – so I can’t criticize Tarp Man for this since I have them too. I had this fantasy in 1972 that the ERA would be passed in a jiffy. I still have that one hanging around the back of my occipital lobe, but at least I never bored anyone by writing a book about it.

    • artem1s

      Gloria grabbed the cilice’s strap and tightened one more notch. “You know how we want this vote to go, Antonin”, she cackled. “Nancy’s not letting your pal, Pubic, go until we get what we want.” Suddenly, the heavy oak door to his chambers crashed open. “Where is that son of a bitch?” screeched POTUS…

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Very good. Keep going. Crush some balls somewhere, please.

        • theCryptofishist

          Johanna Gault meets Lysistrata?

          • Angela Ruzzo

            Sounds good. Then Johanna and Lysistrata team up with Boudicca, who brings in Hatshepsut as Financial Advisor and Elizabeth I as Director of P.R.

  • JustPixelz

    I like to write fiction. (Hey! I could get a job at Fox News.) I have one guiding principle: Read it aloud. Hearing it reveals problems that I literally can’t see. Perhaps Finicum didn’t take this quality assurance step. More likely he did and thought his prose sounded like poetry.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Nah. He just used too much gault in his recipe.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    erm, according to the constitution, the only inalienable rights are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. No property or guns in that, see, cause….yeah.

    Also, why are we putting books out in electronic format if we fear an attack of the electronic eating bombs anyway? I mean, sort of short sighted, isn’t it? No one would ever be able to read your mindless drivel, I mean brave words again.

    • Gary Charound

      Declaration of Independence, I believe, but whatevs.

    • LiterallyTheGayAgenda

      I also enjoy that these are the same kind of people who refuse rights for gay people and then scream “inalienable rights!!1!” whenever someone says something mean, or reasonable, or rational.

    • DutchS

      The “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” thing is in the Declaration of Independence, and they’re “endowed by their Creator.” Which has been nullified by separation of Church and State. Sorry ’bout those unintended consequences.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Truther talk radio, nipple clamps with teeth. Ish kabibble.

  • Donald E Niman

    Thanks for that notable review of a remarkable piece of literaturd [sic].

    • OrdinaryJoe

      illiterateturd.

  • JustDon’tSayDittos

    Hey, Wonkette, the webby site thingy is behaving kinda badly today. lotsa crashies, failing to scroll, etc. I’m guessing a badly behaving advert.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Do the subscribey thing, I telling you. Changed my life.

  • Treg.Brown

    “If they think the high inflation was a serious hardship, well, what do you think is going to happen when they figure out that, along with their own cars, the semi-trucks that bring the food to the stores are not running either?”

    Riveting. His dialogue really speaks to me.

    I know my first thought during a nuclear attack would be to told-you-so people who see high inflation as a hardship.

    • The coming hyperinflation has been a RWNJ meme for ages. The fact that it hasn´t come clearly shows that Ron Paul-style Austrian economics is bullshit.

    • LA Julian

      It’s the secular version of the Raptured laughing at those Left Behind…also fails to take into account the fact that not even machine guns were proof against either sufficient numbers, or lack of further supply lines, in WWI — their “heroic loners with guns holding off the unprepared masses” fantasy is not born out by history.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Diesel trucks are famously susceptible to EMPs.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    This is essentially the plot of Larry Niven’s Lucifer’s Hammer, without the grating misogyny.

    • DutchS

      Why I’ve mostly stopped reading science fiction. It’s so repetitive. Civilization collapses and women throw themselves at rough, tough, studly science fiction writers. S.M. Stirling’s The Change novels makes Lucifer’s Hammer look like the Feminist Manifesto.

      • LA Julian

        Pretty sure that’s where a lot of this “Electricity Stops Working Because Reasons” fantasy is coming from — at least in The Day The Earth Stood Still it was 1. an effect created and maintained with careful targeting (no hospitals) by alien peacekeepers of incredibly-advanced technology (Watsonian), 2. intended to make a point about with great power comes great responsibility (Doylist).

        Nowadays, it’s only used to provide the backdrop for a Cozy Apocalypse Scenario, and damn the plausibilities, full speed ahead!

      • doktorzoom

        Give a try to Jo Walton’s Among Others, which is about the joys of discovering good SF in one’s teens. And also, before the novel begins, the protagonist and her twin sister saved the world with the help of fairy folk. It’s sort of a look at what the Pevensee kids’ lives might have been like after all that Narnia stuff was over (minus the Christian overtones).

      • The Wanderer

        I still read SF (and have three of my own works in the public library, yay socialism) and I agree – a lot of work nowadays centers on post-apocalyptic scenarios.

        • theCryptofishist

          Zeitgeist–although there was plenty of that in the Cold War, too. But the genre is beset with the 80/20 rule, just like every other genre.

  • Juan de Fuca

    I bought this book and though the price was a bit steep (7 bucks? for a book?), I found it compelling and also highly instructional. For example, before reading it I would have thought that using common roads and well known trails to navigate during the end times might be a bad idea. However, having read the book, I can now understand the strategy of leaving the relative safety of the mountains and urban sprawl of San Diego to a wide open area of Arizona by way of exposed highways; this is the type of stuff they just don’t teach any longer at the Army’s Special Forces Q-Course. Repetitive use of “bug-out bag” provided additional credibility to the story. By the time I was halfway through the book, I felt as though I too was under the tarp with the author. Four stars.

    • mailman27

      The House of Blue Light?

      • Juan de Fuca

        Deep Purple?

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Unfortunately for our intrepid heroes, it is simply not possible to go long distances cross-country on the Colorado Plateau. Too many cliffs. You have to stick to the roads.

      • Objectifer

        Not to mention dry. Like really fucking dry, except when it’s not. Two ways to die up there, thirst and drowning.

  • Candy Apple

    Sorry to poke a hole in ol’ Finicum’s charming tale, but I’ve hiked that Kaibab trail to the bottom of the Canyon, and every few yards, there’s a railroad tie-like beam of wood that shores up the fine, powdery dust of the trail so it doesn’t erode. The fall in altitude is such that there are thousands of these railroad ties that you encounter as you descend.

    I call bullshit on being able to ride a damn mountain bike laden with enough supplies to care for an infant, as well as the infant itself, down that damn trail for miles. you’d rattle your teeth right out of your face after a mile or so. Once down on the canyon floor, it would be a little better, but still no picnic. This is just straight up horseshit.

    • UnsaltedSinner

      Now we know why that baby died.

      • Candy Apple

        Shaken infant syndrome!!

      • TheBoatDude

        Out of embarrassment?

    • doktorzoom

      I don’t recall whether I’ve ever hiked the Kaibab — I think I have; definitely remember the railroad ties on it or other trails, but I’ve been down Bright Angel enough times to be glad Finicum didn’t send his heroes down that mule-shit covered route.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        The Kaibab is the STEEP one.

      • jqheywood

        Mule shit is THE operative term. I hate that damn trail for all the mule shit. Give me the Hermit or Grandview any day. Or the North Kaibabl on the north rim past Roaring Springs. Fucking mules.

        • doktorzoom

          Hermit, that’s the one I was thinking of. When I was in college, did a one-day hike, started down Hermit just before dawn, then up Bright Stinky Angel.

          With a very Christian coworker who pointed at the Canyon as the sun was coming up and said “How can you look at that and say you don’t believe in God?” For maybe the only time in my life, I had the perfect comeback right then, and not hours later: “How can you look at that and not believe in erosion?”

          • jqheywood

            Yep. The NAU hiking club did rim-to-rim hikes & they always used Bright Angel for the south leg, even though several of us begged for Hermit to avoid the mule shit…main reason I quit the club…well that and discovering that hiking was a lot more fun & rewarding when it wasn’t a speed competition. There is something very moving about the canyon, even to this old athiest. Hanging out on Easter morning as the sun came up over the rim & the choir sang hymns was pretty damn cool.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Every single one of those beams was installed and then maintained by a federal government employee. Oh, the tyranny.

    • LA Julian

      It goes along with thinking that an EMP attack would permanently disable generators and make it impossible for batteries to run, rather than providing the same amount of temporary grid disruption as, say, a wind storm or ice storm, things that major technologically-dependent regions weather several times per year. That’s some straight-up “A Wizard Did It” rewriting of the laws of physics!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Yep.

    • Juan de Fuca

      Good points but this is the crew who took over an empty federal cabin, double-dog dared the feds to come and get ’em and then decided it was a good strategy to drive into town for groceries.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Clearly poor Finicum had the same understanding of maps that he had of the constitution: poor moroon had no idea what he was writing about. Taking a boat DOWN river from Phantom Ranch takes you exactly back to San Diego, where his hero came from. And for god’s sake riding a mountain bike fully loaded, down the trails from the south rim? Maybe using it as a two wheel donkey, but that is about it. Delusional without doubt. What he needed was meds and a good shrink.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      I’d forgotten about all the ties. I’m thinking the Bright Angel Trail would be a better choice. Less steep & giant pools of mule urine to cool off in.

      • LA Julian

        Could even hijack a mule at gunpoint, much better than mountain bikes for Grand Canyon trails!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          “It’s just like Dad said, JayLee,” said HayLee, “Sis. They thought the high cost of mules was bad. Too bad for them. Let’s boogie off to Buffalo, I’ll say!”

          “Right and on, HayLee,” JayLee said to her Sis.

    • TheBoatDude

      Well, duh, they carried the bikes!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’m going to take a wild guess that Little Lord Fontlavoy didn’t spend a whole lot of time researching the locations on which his imaginary adventures would unfold, sentence structure, grammar, how real people talk and electromagnetism, also, too.

    • therblig

      full suspension fat bikes to the rescue. i only hope that fini gave them the same care in description as he gave to firearms. you can run those tires at 3psi

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Clearly the only type of bike a “nice old couple” would have in their RV, conveniently ready to be traded for a gun.

        • Taleisin

          A Real American would never trade in a gun.

        • therblig

          “nice old couple” = easy to overpower

          • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

            Overpower? Just wait till they run out of their FDA approved medications and fall over dead. You don’t have to overpower a corpse.

    • Blue

      You have no idea of the strengthening power of bogus Thomas Jefferson quotes.

    • The Wanderer

      Like trying to ride down the Montmartre Stairs, minus the Parisian charm?

  • In other batshit crazy news, here’s what Shelly Shelton, NV assemblywoman, and fellow member of the ‘Palin Sisterhood of the Babbling Rants’ had to say about LaVoy Finicum’s premature adjudication :
    https://www.rawstory.com/2016/01/republican-who-compared-lavoy-finicum-to-jesus-claims-public-would-care-if-he-wasnt-white/
    Also a family photo of daughter Fayth.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/20099709fd2eb498c754bcb290b88e99552a96556c9f7bb64a5f520e0353d3d7.jpg

    • Pinkham’s Law

      If the family is going to have guns, it is better for the kids to learn the rules for safe handling of them (Dear God, please let the parents be serious about teaching those rules) and that they are Serious Shit that you don’t touch without permission, early on. That is far better than keeping them ignorant. That looks like an appropriately sized “youth” 22 or possibly even an air rifle. That’s not out of line for a kid to use under supervision.

      • There is nothing “safe” about guns.
        They give people an unwarranted sense of power. Guns and religion are simply cammo for the terrified human psyche.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Guns give scared and scary people an unwarranted sense of power.

          There are hundreds of thousands of hunters who do not fetishize their firearms, realize that there is only a vanishingly small chance of encountering a situation in which a gun could – even theoretically – be useful as a defense, see them as tools for putting food on the table, would never think of threatening another human with them, are fanatical about following the rules of gun handling, store their firearms safely, and go their entire lives without an incident.

          I reiterate: *IF* there are going to be firearms in a home, it is best for the kids to learn about them early.

          • My boyfriend is neither paranoid, nor does he hunt since he doesn’t like killing things, but he is fantatical about gun safety. He has a concealed carry, because we live in an area suffering from a heroin meth epidemic and the consquent theiving shitheads that peddle through our rural neighborhood looking for something to break into. My boyfriend never leaves his gun in his vehicle (or outside the locked gun safe if he leaves it at home).
            Seeing any young kid with a deadly weapon in their hands (a .22 is a deadly weapon) breaks my heart, I don’t care how you color it.

          • therblig

            ms. blig grew up in NW Pa where kids went deer hunting on the monday after thanksgiving and learned gun safety in school. none of my in-laws have any apocalyptic macho fantasies, and they treat their rifles with care and respect.

          • Blue

            I didn’t realize that there was a shotgun in the house for years, until my brother started hunting.

            Nobody waved it around and carried on about how it made us impervious to danger, and we were told it was wrong to snoop.

          • Msgr_Moment

            In one of those counties where the deer outnumber people?

          • therblig

            venango, in the heart of oil country. an area of gorgeous contradiction.

      • Juan de Fuca

        Well said. Taught my daughter how to shoot when she was 14 and we enjoyed many weekends at the range whilst stationed in New Mexico. Good times and she learned a lot about proper gun safety. Haven’t been to a range in a long time though – too close to the beach now so don’t bother to find the time.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          My Dad grew up in the Iron Range in North, north Minnesota. He was hunting for the family dinner by the time he was 14. He taught my brother & me early. BB guns about the time my brother turned 13 (which made me about 10), moving on to a .22 about the time we each turned 14. He made it a bonding experience, and made damn sure we knew The Rules well enough that they were simply second nature. Haven’t fired a gun in close to 3 decades now, haven’t owned one in at least 15.

          If I ever retire, and my retirement involves moving to the country (unlikely), I’ll get a couple of guns for plinking and varmint control.

        • LA Julian

          Soft! You’ve gotten soft! Thusly falls civilization, because people would rather party at the beach than target practice!

          • Juan de Fuca

            After moving out here three years ago, I came across a survey that claimed SoCal residents only spend one or two days at the beach per year. It was at the critical point in my life that I promised my family we would not become another statistic! 00/

          • LA Julian

            That does, unfortunately, sound about right — good on you for defying the odds!

          • Damian L

            thats good for the beach.

      • doktorzoom

        On the other hand, naming her “Fayth” is pretty close to child abuse.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          If he called her sisters Hayth and Kayth, I’m calling Child Services.

          • Blue

            You forgot Rayth.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            My bad.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Her brother Gayth is in for a rough time.

        • Pinkham’s Law

          Well, yeah, there is that.

    • Blue

      Do you say that Fay eth?

      Faath?

      Faeth?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      While I still stand by my earlier statement that it is better, if a family is going to own guns, that the kids learn about guns and gun safety early, I fear that the gun safety part may be being overlooked. After clicking that link and realizing who her mommy is – that family cray-cray. Fuck!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yet another nutjob whining that #wingnutlivesmatter isn’t getting any traction with the sheeple. What’s disturbing is the fact that these clowns actually get elected.

      • I’ve never ventured outside Las Vegas, when visiting friends in Nevada. To me it’s a riskier gamble than anything I might encounter on the strip.

    • theCryptofishist

      Wait, does it still count as believing in their Lord, Jesus Christ when they use a wacky designer spelling of faith?

  • AnOuthouse

    It’s telling they don’t acknowledge their fellow citizens because its always been all about you. It’s right there in the Declaration of Independence.

  • artem1s

    Good news: THIS becomes the new bible for glibertarians, MRAs, Paultards et al, and replaces that other tedious, badly written, laughably preachy mess written by shewhoshallnotbenamed.

    Bad news: THIS becomes the new bible for glibertarians, MRAs, Paultards et al, and replaces that other tedious, badly written, laughably preachy mess written by shewhoshallnotbenamed.

    • Objectifer

      Ayn libelz!!1!

  • Paperless Tiger

    I don’t know. The computer went out in my Volvo, but I kept driving it for years after that. The mechanic said he didn’t know how it could still run. It finally got totaled in a fender bender. Most mechanical stuff can be retrofitted into some Mad Max thing. There are millions of shade-tree mechanics in America. That’s really how we won WWII.

    • My Vulva was ruined by a roadside IUD.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Accepting offers to wreck said vehicle?

      • Objectifer

        I might be able to fix that. Lemme take a look…

    • LA Julian

      Also there is a failure to understand that an EMP is by necessity of it being a pulse a short-term threat, switching off unshielded electronics only until they can be rebooted — NOT a “Day the Earth Stood Still” device. Some fuses and connections may be blown in the process, but this is why power companies and responsible electronic device owners alike keep spares handy…

      • DutchS

        Not quite that simple. There’s “TREE,” Transient Radiation Effects on Electronics, which is short-lived and somewhat self-healing. EMP can induce high enough currents to burn out solid state devices and create dangerous power surges, even if it is just a pulse. After all, a static spark can fry a motherboard. Unfortunately, EMP is largely a matter of “Them that know don’t talk, and them that talk don’t know.” so it’s hard to get specific answers. Like how exactly the pulse can reach beneath the metal hood of a car.

        • LA Julian

          Well, yes, that’s why you don’t run your electronics during a thunderstorm. But if you do, and they get fried, you pull the fried parts and replace them with unfried parts off the shelf, which are unfried because they weren’t turned on when the surge hit. Even when the shock of an entire substation blowing down the street hit sensitive electronics in a small factory near me, they were able to repair the equipment. It was expensive, because these were HUGE motherboards, but it wasn’t a logistic impossibility.

          Granted the wider the effect, the longer it will take to fix things, with shortages in the short run, and sometimes bringing back the grid unevenly will cause cascades and burnouts, but even the worst winter storm caused blackouts, covering massive amounts of rough terrain with significant physical damage to lines and transformers, have been back to normal in a matter of days, with only outlying areas taking longer than a week, in recent years.

          And, most importantly, civilization did not fall apart, but the opposite — massive cooperation and coordinated support efforts from outside the affected areas helped keep things going until normality was restored.

          As we see from the chaos at Camp Freedumb, these things are as alien to these Preppers as maintaining basic sanitation in their zone — OR operational security. No wonder they envision EMPs as a “Dies the Fire” fantasy scenario, their whole life is a badly-organized LARP!

          • doktorzoom

            Ah, but you see, even before the insta-war, civilization was already falling apart because Liberals took the guns away and allowed moral degeneracy and let all the crimers out of jail, plus all the welfare takers who rioted when the EBT cards stopped being funded.

            Shit, there’s a dissertation to be done on this book and other rightwing fantasies.

          • LA Julian

            Dear Om, what would they say if they saw people — as I have — helping out other people whose EBT cards didn’t work that day at the market, with an aw-shucks-aint-nothing “Pay it forward” modesty? Is it a sign of Christian Charity persisting in a godless age — or of decadent late-American liberal softness?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Some of both in some cases but I suspect more of the latter than the former.

          • Pinkham’s Law

            They’re more Prosperity Gospel than charitable Christian, therefore they assume most people are the same?

          • Juan de Fuca

            “Even when the shock of an entire substation blowing down the street hit sensitive electronics in a small factory near me, they were able to repair the equipment. It was expensive, because these were HUGE motherboards, but it wasn’t a logistic impossibility.”

            SAP and modern supply chain procurement is Obama’s fault now?

          • Pinkham’s Law

            Well, duh.

        • Zhu Bajie

          Magic

        • Msgr_Moment

          This is why tin foil hats are so important.

    • The Wanderer

      Probably a contingency built into the car by the Swedes who built it. A rather practical people.

  • 24601

    Since when do cowboys ride bicycles?

    • Grokenstein

      Ever since the Federal Mandatory Horse Buyback Program.

      • therblig

        and the Equine Muscle Pulse that knocked them all out

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be bicycleboys.

    • Objectifer

      Good enough for Butch Cassady.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      I think that’s a typo. I think he meant Mormon missionaries.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Probably he’s never actually lived with horses.

    • Rick Hill

      Mamas don’t let your baby cowboys grow up to ride bicycles…
      They’ll laugh and they’ll point and get shot anyway…

    • therblig

      really, what is a peloton if not a posse in spandex?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “You said it, Sis. Let’s make some tracks.” With that they gave each other a fist bump with fists that were bundled in warm gloves and mounted their bikes.

    Uh oh, KayLee and HayLee exchanging a secret Muslin hand signal, just like a common Barak and Michelle?

    Anyhow, the anitquated expression so common among the kids today is “make tracks” not “make some tracks,” which sounds like something the Festrunk Brothers would say. And with that I would add that “with that” is useless padding.

    Was I not standing in the dark rain, on a bench in the Grand Canyon? Was not my wife and two year old boy huddled together by the body of my dead baby?

    By golly, I is certain they was!

    • kaw143

      “Fist bump with fists”

      As opposed to what?

      • Grokenstein
      • Mehmeisterjr

        VaHayjay and VaKayjay?

        • therblig

          freedom tribbing?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            The German porn version Lavoy’s ravings can cover this:

            Nur durch Blut und Leid: Wiedererlangung der verlorenen Freiheit.

            I’m not sure all the tribbing in the world would be worth watching the rest of it.

          • LA Julian

            Tribblation Force!

          • The Wanderer

            Yes!

    • Grokenstein

      I’m more taken back by the nigh-gleeful attitude the twins are displaying.

      “Oh em gee, Chun-Lee, Pee-Paw was right, these sheeples is going to wake up and realize they should not have laughed at him, right before they get gunshotted with guns by the libtards. Now it is we’s turn to laughed.”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        They don’t sound like a lot of fun to be around, do they? They get downright testy when they forget to bring snack cakes.

      • LA Julian

        Check out Slacktivist’s long-running review of Left Behind — our heroes, without ever having to be redeemed for it (just for not having believed in the right deity the right way) repeatedly walk past the wounded and stricken in the Apocalypse, thinking only of themselves and their own families, until the gleefully gory finale in which EVERYBODY who isn’t part of their Jesus Club gets it in the neck. It’s only tragic when it happens to the Good Guys and their Little Women…

        • The Wanderer

          I was accosted at my front door years ago by the cheeriest little moppet from the local Baptist church. With her father hovering nearby (as he should do), she brightly related to me how wonderful it was going to be when Jesus comes back and all the bad people get killed.
          I looked over her at her father, who was nodding encouragingly.
          I politely apologized to the little girl, explaining that I wasn’t interested, and told her father he should be ashamed of himself before I shut the front door and locked it.

    • cat cafe

      They are two wild and crazy Muslins!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      You know young hipster girls all talk like middle-aged ranchers, just to be ironic.

    • theCryptofishist

      I think the saddest bit is, “,,, had paid lip homage…” He conflates two things in order to sound more like the people he hates.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The large group turned their heads and watched as we peddled by.

    Oh no, HayLee and KayLee are peddlephiles!

  • DutchS

    Now that he’s dead, can we have his book for free? I mean, he wouldn’t want that Big Government Copyright Office involved, would he?

    If there were EMP attacks in the middle of the night, why didn’t people see the flash? Nuclear blasts in space are visible for a long distance. Read up on the ones we did in 1962 (“Starfish Prime”)

    They’re headed for southern Utah and they go down into the Grand Canyon rather than through Flagstaff, which is SOUTH of the canyon? We have a word for survivalists with that sense of direction: Lost. Also bear food. Then they hitch a ride downriver, which will bring them out somewhere near Lake Mead. Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot?

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Yeah, Lavoy’s geography is shaky. Crossing the Colorado River at Phantom Ranch isn’t a bad idea, but they’d better be fit, competent riders. Hitching a ride downriver makes no sense at all. It they’d just go up the North RIm Trail, they’d be fairly close to Orderville.
      I could be wrong, but I don’t think there are many bears in that area. “Vulture food” might be more appropriate.

      • theCryptofishist

        Why don’t they just steal a pack mule from the National Park?

    • Grokenstein

      It’s all flat Earth anyway, man, don’t fall for the conspiracy.

    • Objectifer

      Maybe they we’re going to hike out at Separation Canyon, like Dunn and the Howland brothers. Didn’t work out so well for them though, they were killed by savages. And by savages I mean, of course, mormons.

    • doktorzoom

      The Big Boom is in January, so the North Rim is all snowy, and they get out of the boat well before Lake Mead at the Thunder River Trail and from there to the north. Of all the many problems with the novel, the map is actually the least of them.

    • The Wanderer

      I’ve seen photographs of the Starfish Prime shot. Bugger was seen all the way to Hawaii.

  • Van5512

    Sounds like LaVoy ripped off the Turner Diaries…he and William Luther Pierce are having a heckuva argument right now.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Any ripping off of the “Left Behind” books?

      • The Wanderer

        I wouldn’t think so. There’s no sign of any gods, as far as I can tell.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Wait a minute. Haylee and Keylee fist bump? Are they black?

    • therblig

      the hell with that, do they make out?

      asking for a friend.

      • The Wanderer

        That’d be fun. Lesbian survivalist porn.

        • LA Julian

          BRB, registering a domain name!

    • therblig

      maybe webbed fingers and polydactylism

  • TheBoatDude

    Goddamn. This makes Atlas Shrugged seem well-written and subtle by comparison.

    Also, in regards to use of bikes: I would reckon that most of these folks have a shit when they see a bike n the road as they think roads are only for cars. Now bikes are ok? Does he go into whether HayLee, KayLee, Walker and Texas Ranger (TR, for short) manage to maintain a base level of fitness in order to ride fully-loaded bikes with kids over a long distance? Because, that’s not something you can just up and do…

    • doktorzoom

      Haylee and Kaylee are both on basketball scholarships at the university in Orem, so they’re good. Mind you, when bad guys try to break into the one motel they stay at, the first night after Judgement Day, they wake up, fire blindly into the dark, and take them down easily. Of course.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Blindly is right. As soon as they pull the triggers, the flashes in the dark pretty much take care of their night vision (or any vision, for that matter).

      • Damian L

        With their patriotic foreign made weapons.Can’t stand these idiots.Really surprised junior was driving an escalade,figured him for a toyota driver like his creator.

        • Nah, if you’re Gary Stu-ing yourself into the perfect Murrican survivalist patricarch, you’ll make damn sure none of the imaginary family drive anything other than Murrican-made vee-hick-les.

          I’m guessing Finicum was secretly ashamed of his Toyota and mad as heck that his gubmint money fer baby-slaving wasn’t enough for him to drive a fancy Escalade.

      • The Wanderer

        They have the all-new Bad Guy-Seeking Bullets?

        • theCryptofishist

          Somehow, their implanted audio direction-finder enhancers were not knocked out by the EMP.

  • Tovarish Z

    It must have been awkward for those twins every time the power went out and they biked out of the city, only to find out it was a normal power outage.

    • LA Julian

      Remember the Enron-created brownouts?

  • Skadi

    S.M. Stirling did it better, and with witches. :P

    • LA Julian

      And Stirling is himself a wingnuts’ wingnut who self-Googles to show up like some sort of internet urban legend and rant at liberals who take his name in vain, but at least has some sense of what constitutes characters and a narrative when it comes to writing fiction.

      • Skadi

        Precisely.

      • Skadi

        Granted, he does it by stealing everything from Mary Renault (was it Leonardo da Vinci who said, “When I steal from another artist, I leave my knife”? Stirling must owe Renault’s estate a whole chest of silverware at this point), but if you’re going to steal, by all means use the good stuff. :p

  • Cuberly

    In my 53 years I’ve experienced multiple instances of zero normal daily life. Blizzards, an earthquake a flood. No power, etc. In every instance, my neighbors, my family, we didn’t stare blankly and wait to be “saved”. Blizzards, we checked on neighbors, providing food, heat, took people in if they needed assistance. After the Fall River Flood in Estes Park we did the same thing. Ditto for the 89 SF earthquake.

    Not to be overly serious, but it’s insulting how this dreck thinks so ill of fellow humans. We don’t care for each other? We don’t count our neighbors as a necessity for our own prosperity and security?

    I really don’t get the bs this movement spews. So bizarre.

    • LA Julian

      Sociopaths, writing stories filled with projection. (This also explains their rampant paranoia — they expect to be done by as they would do to others…)

      • Cuberly

        Maybe he grew up on Zane Grey books and stared longingly at Frederic Remington frontier paintings, I don’t know. I know globalism scares the crap out of these people, heck it scares me. Their reaction in response to it is insane though. As much as they long for a rewind to the 1860s, it ain’t gonna happen.

        • LA Julian

          That would be perfectly appropriate, what with Zane (legal name Pearl, even more ironic than Marion Morrison/John Wayne) Grey being an East Coast dentist fantasizing about the Wild West after moving to California. At least Remington had a horsey family connection, even if he, too, was a tenderfoot Ivy Leaguer!

          • Cuberly

            Western exoticism. Idealized. They do realize Clint Eastwood’s spaghetti westerns are called “spaghetti” for a reason, right? Ha! Never mind.

          • Querolous

            Also too, “horse operas”, comparable to “soap operas”. Might as well believe that pro wrestling is for real.

          • Cuberly

            Whatever you do don’t tell them the classic, The Searchers, has more nuance and meaning beyond bang bang bad guys dead.

          • LA Julian

            Also there were no pop-tarts nor pickup trucks in the 1860s. They don’t really want to go back to then…

          • Cuberly

            Complaining about their Wifi, HA! uh, no, they do NOT want to go back to THOSE days. As much as they regard them as simple and yada yada.

          • Virtual Blue

            Well, they are a bunch of meatballs.

          • theCryptofishist

            Ah, he would have been a better dentist if he’d been named Pearl White…

        • Querolous

          All true but ZG really didn’t like Mormons.

          • Cuberly

            To be honest, nobody did back then.

          • To be honest, nobody does these days, either.

        • The Wanderer

          He bought in (as so many of them do) with the mythology of The Old West, where you wandered out into the trackless wastes beyond the Mississippi to claim a bit of land you could call your own.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      “We don’t care for each other?”

      Well, they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves so they automatically assume everyone is like that.

      • Cuberly

        There’s that undercurrent of Revelation gospel, where the “righteous” take pleasure in the suffering of others, and smugly declare their accuracy in prophesy.

        Well, as an atheist I’m going to smugly proclaim, part of their conspiracy argle bargle results from the frustration of blind faith. Their dominionist COSPlay has quite a few gaps to fill in.

        • Thomas Stone

          (I’m not sure you’re claiming otherwise but like… the actual book of Revelation doesn’t contain that stuff? And also is not a gospel?)

          • Zhu Bajie

            There are no guns in the Book of Revelation. You can be sure most people in the Roman Empire knew all about farming, gardening, etc.

          • SuspectedDemocrat

            And the Lord commanded Noah to fill his bug-out bag with two of every Clif Bar.

          • Cuberly

            Well, that was pedantic. Do I need to go into a long winded explanation of religious influences in survivalist dogma?

            Pretty sure you know what I’m saying.

          • Thomas Stone

            No, it’s a significant difference, because they like made up a shitty religion to believe in, which is not actually based on Revelation or on any other part of the bible or on any religious tradition that goes back before like weirdos in the 1910s. Like, the bugout survivalists who dream of a day when they can murder all the minorities are the reason that subcategory of religion looks the way it is, rather than the other way around.

          • Cuberly

            It’s a common misperception that the militants in OR are all Mormon, they’re not. However, there is a strong religious thread that most share.

            Cherrypicking from the bible is part and parcel for these people. Of course they haven’t actually READ the thing. They catch random quotes here and there and augment meaning to fit their causes, it’s just how they roll. Add a huge does of Alex Jones, WND, Fr and other conspiracy websites and viola! Guaranteed crazy.

    • Haruko Haruhara

      All projection.

    • theCryptofishist

      And that’s fairly typical of medium sized disasters. Or something. What I really mean to say is that there’s a book called A Paradise Made in Hell, possibly by Rebecca Sornit(?) that talks about this. I found it interesting.
      Even beside that, we are social animals. We make community. Not perfectly, but we cannot live otherwise.

  • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

    How can the government keep you safe? I think if the 15 people killed at that Texas fertilizer plant would have said “a statewide fire code and stiff fines and/or jail time for violating it”.

    http://gawker.com/federal-report-on-deadly-texas-fertilizer-plant-explosi-1756310805

    • Zhu Bajie

      Government keeps us safe by shooting would-be terrorists like Finicum.

  • Taleisin

    ‘My fist clenched as my anger turned from anger to hate. ‘

    Sarah Palin must have helped him write that line.

    • Lemmy Caution

      This was edited down from the original:
      My fist clenched as my fingers folded in tight against my palm to make a fist-like shape, while my anger heated up from plain anger to something hotter than anger until it was so hot that it turned to hate.

      • Taleisin

        Thanks. Ever worse.

    • The Wanderer

      “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate . . . leads to suffering.”

      • Taleisin

        Suffering leads to the darkside. ;-)

    • mardam422

      Then my fist unclenched, but it was still a fist, in the existential sense. But my anger??? That was now hate.

    • Nine

      Can’t have been her. Regardless of literary merit, it is a complete, validly formed sentence in the English language.

      Please note that I did not say “good” or “coherent”.

      Actually, if you cut “from anger” it is sort of coherent. Please note that I only qualified “coherent.”

      • Taleisin

        ‘My fist clenched as my anger turned to hate.’

        If he were that emotional, surely both fists would clench.
        Never mind. Maybe his next book will be better.
        Oh, wait…

  • Haruko Haruhara

    Oh, dear, God, that’s awful. That makes “Clan of the Cave Bear” read like Nobel-winning literature.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      zug zug

  • Haruko Haruhara

    Seriously, one of the real shames of LaVoy’s death is we’ll never get the chance to read the sequels. This is entertaining stuff.

    • Don’t be so pessimistic, the sequel will be ghostwritten.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        By the guy who wrote “Left Behind”?
        Asking for a Sunday School teacher…

      • mardam422

        To bring back an old favorite…WIN!!!

    • Lizard

      I couldn’t read beyond the first few paragraphs. Red Dawn fantasy land. :)

    • The Wanderer

      It could have been written by Minnie Bannister: “We’ll all be murdered in our beds!”

      • Haruko Haruhara

        “No can do, sis!” Fist bump! With gloved fists!

  • Considering how much of the first third of the novel involves Jake Bonham’s scattered children making their way to his ranch on bicycles, it’s a damned shame the man never learned the difference between pedaling and peddling.

    Nah, you’re just misreading those passages about HayLee and KayLee peddling their asses around town.

    • H0mer0

      if it were so, at least two of them know an honest day’s work.
      Also too, does anyone else get that Led Zeppelin tune “In the days of my youth I was told what it’s like to be a man….” when they hear the name Bonham?
      Also, is “Bonham” French for “good ham?”(just kidding, that just occurred to me, a sign I need to take my focus meds….)

    • The Wanderer

      Harlots. They wore the tight skinny jeans, you know.

    • mardam422

      Nice.

    • Robyn Ryan

      Flirty fishing…. for Jesus

    • theCryptofishist

      So, the mark up on twins is more than twice the price, yes?

  • Zhu Bajie

    You know, in a real social collapse, like in Europe at the end of WW 2 or in Iraq when Baghdad fell, the Bundies, the Finicums, etc., would be the bad guys, the thugs attacking everyone else. They have no idea of how to produce food from gardening, etc. They’d try to force others to produce the food and tools for them.

    When the supply of bullets ran out, after a month or so, they’d really be SOL.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      It’s why I call BS on the whole Bug-Out-Bag/Vehcile philosophy. Civilization is essentially people uniting to share the burden of survival together. These trigger-happy lone-wolf types are destined to fail just on the basis of statistics alone. There’s nothing wrong with realistic preparations for a natural disaster, but the focus after the initial disaster should be on solidifying your neighborhood and community’s well-being.
      In LaVoy’s book, those “sheep” begging at the Ranger station could have been doctors that could cure Dan’s baby, mechanics who could have fixed his car or revived an old carbureted or mechanically-injected diesel pickup, carpenters who could have built shelters, or naturalists who could help forage for food. “Survivalists” of LaVoy’s mindset are obviously selfish, self-righteous dickbags.
      Stashing “a year’s worth of food” (574,500 calories per person on a tight rationing system) and a metric fuckton of bullets in case Lord Humungus comes stomping around your back door is just unrealistic and stupid, not to mention exceptionally unfair to other people.

      • The Wanderer

        And if a civilization collapses, there’s still enough of it remaining to build upon. There’ll still be food to grow and at least barter with, or services like doctors, etc.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          Exactly!
          This is why historians have been shying away from referring to the Roman Empire’s demise as a “collapse” when it really just dissolved: it’s central government became too weak to administer it as a whole and individual regional cultures looked to themselves to govern themselves rather than the central Roman state.
          This may be what Cliven Bundy wants. Visigoths 2.0.

          • the_steamer

            Thing is, if we- or specifically he- can’t learn from history, we would be condemned to repeat it. Apparently the collapse was the part that he liked! Fortunately we work Instead on ways to more quickly re-establish connections rather than create division. Sheep. Baaaaah

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            This is where my respect for President Obama really lies: post-Dubya the global community was really fragmented the political climate across the globe was unfathomably cold and suspicious. Obama has done some amazing things in trying to rebuild bridges and mend the global community.

          • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

            What’s really unpopular is pointing out that the fall of the Roman Civilization coincides with the Rise Of Christianity.

          • Robyn Ryan

            The Holy Roman Empire was pretty lame.

          • theCryptofishist

            Well, as it wasn’t holy or roman or an empire, it’s nice to know what it was.

            Of course, as a cranky, uptight cripple, I don’t like the word “lame” but we can’t have everything…

          • Robyn Ryan

            No harm meant. Lame excuses, the deer was lamed by a trap. Wasn’t thinking of it a human thing, though my husband has been lame from a foot surgery gone bad. Me, I’m merely mentally unbalanced, according to the VA. 100% unfit for employment. I have my DV car tags, but not a disabled card.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Unfortunately, it’s a mere coincidence but it is compelling. Christianity the religion, has done much more good than Christianity the political phenomenon, has done or will ever do.

          • LA Julian

            And even the Visigoths considered themselves Romans 2.0, the various regional centres positioning themselves as the legitimate heirs of the empire through all sorts of symbolism after they were left to fend for themselves — this idea that it was Western Civilization vs. The Outsiders, Barbarians At Our Gates is just another bit of frontier mythology conservatives console themselves with, because “Society Revolving Around Superwealthy Elite Balances Overextended Economy On Exploited Local & Increasingly Immigrant Workers, Eventually Writes Checks That Even Another Foreign War Can’t Cash, Implodes In Slow-Motion, Film At Eleven” just isn’t as sexy.

          • Robyn Ryan

            Europeans hijacked Roman and Greek culture and ancient civilization to legitimize themselves. ‘Marauding Barbarians’ didn’t look good on the family tree.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            The Beeb has a fantastic documentary series on the art of the Dark Ages that discusses how the Ostrogoths and Visigoths essentially kept the light of civilization burning post-Rome while the Muslims preserved almost the entirety of western literature, science and medicine while simultaneously improving astronomy and medicine and inventing algebra. It’s fantastic, it’s called “The Dark Ages: An Age of Light”. It really helps to show how Rome dissolved into successor-states and how those states did their best to continue the traditions they’d inherited.

    • Robyn Ryan

      feudalism!

  • Zhu Bajie

    Dmitri Orlov’s _Reinventing Collapse_, based on his experiences when the Soviet Union collapsed, is far better. It has humor, for one thing.

  • GlobalBeagle

    Luckily with enough guns, everyone can survive the inevitable nuclear holocaust. They just can – don;t ask about the hows and whys.
    Look at Somalia and Yemen, both awash with guns but hardly any government – both just paradise compared to the hell-hole that is the USA. .

  • Jack E Raynbeau

    A fine example of how bat-shit crazy LaVoy was.

    • mardam422

      Tarp man knew…he KNEW!!1

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    I’m hoping that the end of the book explains how Kaylee became a master starship mechanic…

    • Vienna Woods

      And now you know… the rest of the story!

  • Lemmy Caution

    The History channel has optioned this book and is making a mini-series based on it, starring Ed Harris as LeVoy. The role of Dan, the son, is going to be played by Jack Black. Another inspired choice is Ivanka Trump as Dan’s wife. The unusual casting decisions make sense when you consider that the producer says the concept for the movie is “sort of Green Acres meets Mad Max.”

    • therblig

      ving rhames as evil agricultural agent Mr. Kimball? or somebody jewish?

      • bbqboy

        So that explains the dramatic underlying tension between Arnold the Pig and Hank.
        After all these years….

    • The Wanderer

      Wouldn’t shock me in the least. The Left Behind series was made into at least one movie.

  • DahBoner

    He forgot to mention those camoflauge leg warmers and the Jane Fonda aerobics class…?
    https://media4.giphy.com/media/6Lt0PMyvjTX8c/200w_d.gif

  • DahBoner

    It was always buckled around the narrow hips of my father in a double loop Mexican style holster.

    Wuuuut?
    https://media2.giphy.com/media/GmpDWidpZbxRe/200w_d.gif

    • cessnadriver

      Boy seems a bit too enamored of daddy’s narrow hips….

    • Robyn Ryan

      Yuuummmmmm……double loops…

  • H0mer0

    Kind of reminds me of “Powderfinger” except that Neil Young wasn’t trying to make us sympathize with its characters

  • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink
  • SpaceCaptainWarlock

    Guys, his anger turned from anger to hate. It was anger first. Then the anger turned from anger to hate. There was anger. That was first. And eventually that anger became hate, but it was anger first. Then hate.

    • LA Julian

      You forgot the fear.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        I was afraid you might say that.

      • cessnadriver

        Fear and surprise are out two main weapons.

        • Robyn Ryan

          Nobody expects us….

    • mardam422

      I hate when that happens. It always makes me angry.

      • Robyn Ryan

        take another hit……

    • YayConspiracy

      Finicum wrote the best description of the metaphysics of anger and hate, my head is still spinning, since Mein Kampf.

  • Doug White

    So, basically the big question that Finicum is asking is:

    “Which do you think is better? A society built to function during the ‘End Times’ or one that works significantly better during the 99.999% of history when it doesn’t happen to be the ‘End Times?”

    The answer is, of course, 100% bases on whether or not you are part of an End Times conspiracy lunatic group. This is sort of like how people make long lists of what they are going to spend their lottery millions on because they ‘just know’ they are going to win this time….

    • LA Julian

      One thing all this really makes clear is just how much End Times nuttery requires a complete and terminal Apocalyptic scenario, to justify itself. Otherwise there is NO scenario in which “Devil take the hindmost” is a better option than “Keep the home fires burning” — no war or natural disaster has been made better by a breakdown of society and collective responsibility as opposed to maintaining as much normalcy as is possible in the face of hardship. Only a return to those norms makes recovery from such catastrophes possible, after such a breakdown, too.

      So they NEED it to be an irrecoverable breakdown of everything, otherwise they’d have to face what selfish bastards they’re being — and even then, they can’t really get away from that fact, as several have brought up Canticle for Leibowitz — they’re the real equivalent of the mobs destroying the books and implements of technology, not the heroic monastics, in their fantasy of Nuclear Doooom!!!

      (And that fellow nickname of “Booda” with the Buddha tattoo must have misunderstood the movie: “Every man for himself IS the central tenet of Buddhism! Fuck yeah!”)

      • Robyn Ryan

        remember: Not your god, not your Apocalypse. Mayans are gone, the rest of us aren’t.

    • the_steamer

      End times is the narrative of the future specifically because it might bring everyone back to ancient times, when the Bible was a wise moral tome. All these ultra religious nuts need to move their cult away from the civilized world and onto a compound or just a farm to establish their authority as absolute. These end times tales are just a way of getting to people that have no present reason to hand authority to such a narcissist or megalomaniac.

      It should be revealing how much they themselves depend on and utilize this wicked world of man. All along it’s been our efforts together as a society and economy that gets us through life, as it would be in their proverbial disaster.

      • Robyn Ryan

        Leo Marx’s “the Machine in the Garden.” Tom Englehardt’s “The End of Victory Culture.” Academics have been writing about it for decades. Good stuff.

  • Douglas E. Berry

    Lucifer’s Hammer by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle is much better Armageddon fiction. Comet hits the Earth, fun times follow. Features the best surfing scene ever written.

    • ryanmrichardson

      Though it will also get you a nice fix of political derangment and racism.

  • mardam422

    I smell Pulitzer…or Wurlitzer…or something.

    • Kiri the Unicorn

      Fertilizer.

    • therblig

      pullet surprise

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Delusion: Just because you think you can doesn’t mean you can.

  • Lemmy Caution

    He wrote the first draft longhand. In his journal. At night. With a flashlight. Under his tarp.

    • Don’t forget the box of tissues.

      • Lemmy Caution

        I didn’t think it was that kind of book. Then I remembered the loving descriptions of all those guns and thought, yeah, don’t forget the tissues.

        • Robyn Ryan

          or a sock….

  • Perhaps a better title would be, “Ayn Rand for Dummies?”

    • Major_Major_Major

      “Ayn Rand by Dummies”, FIFY

  • YayConspiracy

    Did you really read all 245 pages, Dok? That must have been like eating a box of tissues.

  • whitroth

    ROTFLMAO!

    Um, lessee, why is it that the EMP, and the base taken out, have no radiation that kills the heroes?

    And is Our Hero recommending that everyone in the country, including in all the big cities, run for the hills where he’s hiding? I mean, I’ve got a friend in the mountains outside Denver, and he starts ranting, and I don’t get an answer when I ask him if we should relocate everyone in NYC to Denver….

    But these people – the real gun nuts – should go out and congregate on ranches. Maybe we should send them food and such, but make sure that the food is heavily laced with birth control chemicals, because we don’t want these pusillanimous, lilly-livered cowards who are afraid of, like, *everyone, to reproduce, and have kids they’ll abuse to turn out like them….

    mark

    • cessnadriver

      I always tell survivalists: I have guns and I know where mormons live. I am not worried.

    • Robyn Ryan

      but no toilet paper. Or clean towels. That would be socialism…..

  • cessnadriver

    Nothing like keeping your rifle in a leather gun condom when you are on guard duty.

  • lesterthegiantape

    We lost a towering genius during that shootout. Unless the rabbit that got hit by a stray bullet survived.

  • JayGoldenBeach

    Suspected-potential-possible “militants” (and innocent civilians!) in the Middle East are frequently dismembered and incinerated by drone-launched Hellfire missiles courtesy of the US govt. No trial, no evidence, just blasted to he11.

    These confirmed armed militants should be grateful they were given the opportunity to surrender.

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