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And that's when Noah's stupid gay peace dove got eated by a dinosaur.
And that’s when Noah’s stupid gay peace dove got eated by a dinosaur.

Exciting news, if you’re a creationist! If you’ll remember, a very weird creationist man named Ken Ham, who literally believes the earth is about five minutes old and all the dinosaurs died like eight seconds ago, is building a shitshow of a theme park in rural Kentucky, called the Ark Encounter. It is a creationist Bible theme park affiliated with Ham’s Answers In Genesis (AiG), but instead of fun rides like a roller coaster through Jesus’s empty tomb, you learn about the time Loving God picked this one Joe Sixpack-type dude named Noah to build Him an enormous boat (just like the one you’re on!) so Noah’s fambly and all the bears and the chickens and the termites and the dinosaurs (but just two of each and fuck all the others!) would be safe when God started murdering His beautiful creation dead with rain, because #sin.

Last year, Ham filed a lawsuit against Kentucky for denying him $18 million in tax incentives, just because he wanted to hire stupid fundamentalist creationists only at his Bible Shitshow, which is, legal fact, discrimination. At the time, we called it a “frivolous lawsuit,” and haha, IT STILL IS, but guess who got a dumbass Gee Dubya Bush appointee as his judge?

A federal judge ruled that developers building a replica of Noah’s Ark for a controversial Kentucky theme park can use religious beliefs as part of their hiring criteria and still retain tax incentives. […]

U.S. District Judge Gregory Van Tatenhove wrote in his 71-page opinion on Monday (Jan, 25) that while Answers is “clearly a religious organization,” tourist destinations could be affiliated with religion if they serve the state’s “secular” goal of boosting local revenue.

“Bringing non-residents into Kentucky who will spend money on food, lodging, gas, and tourist attractions will increase revenues and benefit the state’s economy through jobs and spending,” Tatenhove wrote. “Such a purpose is plainly secular.”

Um. So basically the judge’s logic is that because the Duggars and all their friends will pay sales tax on all the chicken-fried dickmeat steaks they order at the Cracker Barrel after a hot wet day of Arking, that means Kentucky wins and God wins and Jesus wins. Holy shit.

Does Ham really need all those millions of tax moneys for his Bible Times Jack Off Camp? Hell to the no. To learn about the wonderful world of creative financing Ham has employed to make his dream a reality, visit our friends at Bitter Empire, who made a three-part series ‘splaining it all.

If you’ll remember, Ham was given a chance to comply with the state’s discrimination laws (which apparently don’t matter now) in 2010, and he fucking agreed to it, because in his meth-addled creationist lame-brain, demanding employees believe in a literal interpretation of the Noah’s Ark Bible story doesn’t mean he’s demanding that they be Christians. Atheists and liberal Jewishes who believe God created Adam and Eve and drowned all their descendants are still welcome to apply, we guess.

So the state will of course appeal, yes? No. We regret to inform you that between the time this lawsuit was filed and now, Kentucky knuckle-draggers elected known teabaggin’, Bible-humpin’, cock-fightin’ sack of shit Republican Matt Bevin as their governor, and, well, bad news:

“We are pleased the Court has ruled in favor of the Ark project. This Administration does not support discrimination against any worthy economic development projects,” said Jessica Ditto, a spokesman for the governor.

Elections have consequences, MORANS.

The park opens on July 7, and we would like to request that our best boss ever Editrix Rebecca Schoenkopf send us to it on a Wonkette field trip on or just after that date. PLEEEEEEEASE?

[Religion News Service / Ark Encounter v. Parkinson]

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  • MsAnthropesMr

    Ten bucks it looks like this in 2 years, and Ken Ham is laughing mightily with the taxpayers dough.

    • pstockholm

      That’s Waterbury, isn’t it?

  • Indiepalin

    The original Ark was populated with two of every asshole of its kind..

  • Nounverb911

    ..

  • Count Awesome

    This theme park definitely needs more blackjack and hookers.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Forget the park!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Do they have alcohol? Even Disney let’s people drink.

  • WhoDat

    In Kentucky, giving subsidies to parks depicting fantasy is as American as Apple pie.

    In Kentucky, giving subsidies to families so they can afford health insurance is a socialist plot to destroy America.

  • Anarchy Pony

    It’s like the whole country has got syphilitic madness or something…

    • Count Awesome

      I think there’s something in the water where these people live.

      • Nounverb911

        They all live in Flint?

      • Spotts1701

        More like a lack of something, like lithium or Xanax.

      • Anarchy Pony

        So Rick Snyder has struck before…

    • Pickwicknext

      Ham is NOT baddass enough to have gotten syhillis. Those girls/guys are way too good for him

      • Msgr_Moment

        Wasn’t Ham indicted by a Grand Jury?

        • Pickwicknext

          He’s just an asshole, no evidence thus far of criminality. Well, except this whole discrimination thing, but apparently that’s OK in Kansas now.

          • Msgr_Moment

            No, wait, I’m confusing him with a Ham Sammich.

        • The Wanderer

          You can’t catch syphilis from a Grand Jury.

          • Jonny On Maui

            You can if you use the same doorknob…

  • Spotts1701

    “The Ends Justify The Means” is not meant to be judicial precedent, Your Honor!

  • Nounverb911

    Does this happen when they open the Ark?

    • SterWonk

      Different ark. ;->

    • Celtic_Gnome

      If it did, I’d pay good money to see that. No, wait…

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …can anyone say “interstate commerce act”?!?!?

    • Count Awesome

      I can. But if you ask Ham to spell it there may be a problem

  • glasspusher

    Something about Ham isn’t kosher

    • Whale Chowder

      I see what jew did there.

      • Smibo

        I’ll just passover this, ‘cuz you guys already used all the good puns.

  • Me not sure

    So, religious organizations that don’t have to PAY taxes can use my tax money to help fund their crazy theme park? Doesn’t this amount to the church taxing me? Established religion anyone?

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Why yes, yes it does. And then the fine, upstanding Christians get hellacious tax incentives to build their little fantasy camp. And when it’s done, they can discriminate freely in their hiring practices. And then they wonder why atheists find them completely obnoxious.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Hey, it works for that other religion, football…

  • NerdWithNoName

    Why is Noah transparent in that picture?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …how long before this Bevin ASS LOWN starts piping in some “free market” quality water into the households of Kentucky?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Since it will probably be right after he takes away their health insurance, the symmetry should be breathtaking.

  • deanbooth

    Years ago I worked on a project to publish the diary of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s wife, Sophia. One of her entries was simply, “Drowned the kittens.” I guess that God’s diary has that entry, too.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Are you sure that wasn’t David Huckabee’s diary entry?

  • Pinkham’s Law

    “This Administration does not support discrimination . . . ” except when it does! FTFY, Gov.

  • DerrickWildcat

    I have a feeling they will regret that decision sooner than later.
    They’ve just opened the doors for every nutty religious organization to do the same.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They never think that far ahead.

      • Jonny On Maui

        The Flying Spaghetti Monster folk and the Satanic Temple should be showing up soon…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Mohammed World” will surely get the same tax break.
      Actually, the Hindus could put on one hell of a show, what with all the psychedelic gods they’ve got to work with. I’d pay to see that. (Think of all the food, drinks, and legal weed the tourists would spend money on.)

    • lroom

      Needz moar Cthulhu.

  • Nounverb911

    “we would like to request that our best boss ever Editrix Rebecca Schoenkopf send us to it on a Wonkette field trip on or just after that date. PLEEEEEEEASE?”

    It might the right time to have first ever Wonkette “Cultural” tour and get together.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Good point. Usually you have to go overseas to study primitive cultures.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I like that. I’m in Ohio, just a hop, skip, and a jump from the portal to Hell.

  • JustPixelz

    Will it have a Holy Roller Roller Coaster? Baptismal Water Park? Fires of Hell Firing Range? LGBBQ Chuckwagon featuring the heavenly “Speaking in Tongues Tongue Sandwich”.

    • Pickwicknext

      You sound like a potential model employee. Do believe in the LITERAL truth? No, not Chris Treager literal, actual literal.

      They may be in trouble since the dictionary people changed the definition of literal….

    • SnarkTank

      I’m betting the Raging Rapids ride is fuckin’ awesome.
      .
      Funnily enough, the local amusement park near where I grew up (Kennywood Park, just outside Pittsburgh – still there, still with the best wooden roller coasters in the country) has a “Noah’s Ark” attraction…kind of a funhouse with shaking floors, mirrors, etc. Always liked that ride (although it wasn’t a ride…).

  • beavertank

    So this means I can refuse to hire anyone but atheists and still get my sweet sweet tax breaks, right? Because religion is apparently now a legitimate basis for hiring discrimination, right?

    • Oh, I double-dog dare you to try!

      • JustPixelz

        (you have to triple-dog dare now. it’s dare inflation. #ThanksObama)

    • Pickwicknext

      Are you taking resumes or opening a Canadian office?

      • Thaumaturgist

        Rafael will be opening the Canadian offices, when The Donald finishes with him

  • Lizzietish81

    Time to start building a Hindu themed park, Karmic Battle, reliving the many phases of karma, you get to start as an untouchable and have to work your way up to Brahmin

    • I seriously would go to that.

    • JustPixelz

      No love for nihilism? It would be much cheaper to build because, you know, nothingness.

      • Gary Charound

        They already have Arby’s.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I can just see the billboards: “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet!”

    • LarryHoudini

      I can smell the cow shit already.

    • data_ninja

      And the people would keep coming back (and back and back) for more!

    • Historicat

      I imagine the food would be better too.

  • Stein Olsen

    Ken Ham we are on to you.

    http://i.imgur.com/sbmCWNB.jpg

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Chimpanzee libel!!!11!1

  • Msgr_Moment

    I’ll just leave this here….
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naQpP3kCOY8

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    For $2000 you can get a lifetime pass to Arc Encounters!
    https://arkencounter.com/boarding-passes/individual-pass/

    • HogeyeGrex

      Wow. Only $400 per year for every year they’ll be open.

      • Land Shark

        Wow. Only $400 per year month for every year they’ll be open.

        FTFY

  • chascates

    When will Kentucky be the first state to repudiate evil electricity and live in the dark as God intended?

    • Lizzietish81

      Your move Mississippi

      • elviouslyqueer

        HEY. Alabama LIBEL!

    • glasspusher

      anesthesia, too. takes away man’s ability to feel pain, which was put there by god

      • Lizzietish81

        Bring back leeches!

      • JustPixelz

        Strange that God didn’t mention penicillin the Bible. That would have saved lives. Also didn’t mention kangaroos. #NotAllKnowing

        • Pickwicknext

          You have obviously not seen Michealangelo’s version of the Last Supper. The kangaroo was there to offset the mariachi band and the three Christs

      • SterWonk

        Ooo! This is an EXCELLENT point -shouldn’t epidurals be illegal? After all, Genesis 3:16 requires that childbirth be painful. How many women would be quiverfulls then?

        To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          AOT, K. Do you think their men folk actually take them to hospitals to birth their babies?
          Why do you think the daughters are trained to be midwives?

          Edit: I do not mean midwives in the conventional sense, btw, I mean the basic “Catch, cut and clean” version of olden times.

    • deanbooth

      They already live in the Dark Ages.

  • baconzgood

    Would give a tax break to Epic of Gilgamesh land?

    • The Wanderer

      Based on the tales of the ‘friendship’ between Gilgamesh and Enkidu, you could probably get gay people to chip in.
      And matinee re-enactments of some of Ishtar’s favorite fertility rites.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The park opens on July 7, and we would like to request that our best
    boss ever Editrix Rebecca Schoenkopf send us to it on a Wonkette field
    trip on or just after that date

    YES. Gay Day at Ark Encounter! The Grindr noise alone would be positively deafening.

    • JustPixelz

      I’m not gay so I will come as a muslin. Probably get shot before I reach the door but worth it for the trolling value.

    • dslindc

      I would violate my policy of, “Ew, the South,” to join gay day at Ark Encounter!

      • elviouslyqueer

        OMG, it’s in Petersburg, for crying out loud.

        *rushes to Expedia*

        • dslindc

          Hmmm. That appears to be roughly the same latitude as DC. Curses, foiled again!

        • Oblios_Cap

          I see what you did there!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          “As of the 2010 census, Petersburg KY, along with its surrounding areas, had a population of 620.”
          If the rubes tourists are gonna buy a Ham sammich, there’ll only be one place to get it. We’d better stock up the Wonkebago (better than a federal bird sanctuary.)

    • Pickwicknext

      Can I come as a straight atheist? I’ll wear a lab coat and quote Origin of the Species

    • baconzgood

      Can Baconz and his BFF come?

  • jviscont1

    I hear the bbq pterodactyl wings at the park’s concessions are to die for.

    • Count Awesome

      Are they smothered in a holy molé sauce?

      • Me not sure

        Are they white meat or dark meat?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Tastes like chicken. Ken Ham can’t explain it.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Order them mammoth style. Me, I like the triceratops steak sandwich.

      • Nounverb911

  • Lizzietish81

    Your move Church of Satan!

    • Nockular cavity

      Beat me to it. Although I want Kentucky $$$ now for ISIS’ “Wonderful World of the New Caliphate” theme park.

      • BearGHAZI

        Come for the slut stoning. Stay for the churro sticks

    • Me not sure

      Now the Mormons will want their own theme park….no wait, they have one, it’s called Utah.

      • JustPixelz

        And Evangelicals … they call it Iowa.

      • cousin itt

        The Multiple Wives ride is very popular.

        • Me not sure

          You must be this tall to ride.

  • JustPixelz

    Unlike some Amendments, the First Amendment is flexible and can be ignored whenever it’s convenient.

    • Nounverb911

      That’s why it’s half as good as the 2nd.

    • beavertank

      According to Chris Christie, the amendments were ordered like that to show importance. Except the first amendment. That was a typo. It was really supposed to be number two.

      • JustPixelz

        Actually the first two proposed Amendments didn’t get ratified back then. the original first amendment was about Congressional district sizes; the original second was about pay raises. The original text of today’s Second Amendment was significantly different and had greater clarity about the role of militias. Christie could have looked all that up before he opened his sammich hole.

        • beavertank

          What, you expect someone who keeps repeating easily debunked lies about his own life’s timeline to know actual facts about what happened hundreds of years ago?

        • the_heckler

          What? What do you want Christie to do…pick up a shovel and learn to interpret the Amendments properly? Puulease!!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Dealing with facts? He has people for that.

  • Callyson

    while Answers is “clearly a religious organization,” tourist destinations could be affiliated with religion if they serve the state’s “secular” goal of boosting local revenue

    Didn’t they just admit that religion is being used to make money?

    • the_heckler

      CASHLLELUJAH!!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It’s a feature, not a bug.

  • Bill Slider

    Evan, should you find yourself at this Ark project, please interview, plus photos, of this Jessica Ditto person (?).

  • Anarchy Pony

    Needs moar careful examinations of God’s incredibly petty and vindictive personality.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Everyone knows that a true demonstration of the Ark can’t be done without TARDIS technology.

    https://whyevolutionistrue.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/dw1zzim.jpg?w=500&h=392

    • Pickwicknext

      Oooooo, can next season have The Doctor go all Malcom Tucker on Noah for being a moron?

    • Stein Olsen

      Wow! So it’s all true.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        It always amazes me how much effort certain people put into “scientific” explanations of bible stories. The ten plagues, the ark, the Star of Bethlehem, etc.

        If you believe in a God with more magic than Mr. Mxyzptlk, then why bother? MIRACLE! Boom. Done.

        • therblig

          Kltpzyxm

          damn! still here.

        • YourNameHere

          Mr. Mxyzptlk

          Please let me hug you.

    • Nounverb911

      Where are the Daleks?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Exterminating everyone else, presumably.

  • Nounverb911

    Have they decided to have a re-enactment Jeebus’s Bar Mitzvah yet?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      No, silly, then everbody’d see his widdler.

      • Nounverb911

        That would be his Bris Mitzvah….

        • elviouslyqueer

          Begging the question of whether or not they’ll serve brisket at The Last Supper Chuckwagon Cafe.

          • beavertank

            Nope, all pork hot dogs and Coke, they want to be historically accurate.

          • Nounverb911

            Only if they bring her in from Wasilla.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Hahahaha. Brisket’s motto, “To serve man. And hopefully not get knocked up, yet again.”

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Today, I am a Godman.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Hmm. Maybe if I put up a Jesus Slept Here sign and charged people to look at the manger in my garage the state would give me some incentive to bring in more tourist bucks.

    • OneWhiteWhisker

      Or you could just move into a house with high humidity and crappy drywall and watch the cash roll in:

      http://bc.ctvnews.ca/virgin-mary-miracle-surrey-apartment-wall-draws-worshippers-1.2749686

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Came to scoff; remained to pray.

    • the_heckler

      You keep the baby Jesus in your garage? You monster!

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        He’s company for the cat when I have to go shopping. After he gets bigger I’ll dump him at the pound. And yes, he’s had all his shots.

        • the_heckler

          Well, cats are an upgrade from donkeys and sheep, I guess. At least I can sleep knowing he won’t get Rubella, although he should probably be able to touch himself and be healed anyway.

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            I don’t let him touch himself.

      • Logic of Color

        I used to keep Jesus in my garage, but one day I came home and the garage door was pushed open and he was gone.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Just as well – what with all the fish, it would start to stink after 3 days.

        • the_heckler

          This is shocking. I would have thought he would have reappeared after a couple of days.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    I know where I’m incorporating my Church for the Worship of Alexander Siddig!

    • therblig

      do you expect to attract Nana Visitors?

      • A Grumpy Cat

        You win everything.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Kentucky government to taxpayers: “Hey it was spend tax dollars on this, or on literally hundreds of better ideas. What did you expect?”

    • Count Awesome

      As if they have better ideas.

  • Belasaurius

    should we start mailing dildos now or wait until opening day?

  • DerrickWildcat

    Remember, these are the same people that forced Paramount Pictures to add a disclaimer at the beginning of, “Noah” that Russell Crowe was not actually Noah.

    • OneWhiteWhisker

      What? No. What???

    • Pickwicknext

      These are people who never got beyond “Oh fuck! Here comes a train and we’re just sitting here?!?!??!111?!”

    • BearGHAZI

      Doesn’t matter, that movie was still REALLY offensive

    • artem1s

      did Russell go and punch them out for dissing him? inquiring minds….

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      It’s true. In the original story, his name was Gilgamesh.

  • docterry6973

    So let me get this right. A private enterprise that brings money into the state can discriminate in hiring? This is good new for Hobby Lobby. Thanks, SCOTUS!!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      They dream of an America where there is no limit to the shitty ways employers can treat employees.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      So, is there some biblical test on the employment application for this shitty, minimum wage job?

  • so Noah’s fambly and all the bears and the chickens and the termites and the dinosaurs (but just two of each and fuck all the others!) would be safe when God started murdering His beautiful creation dead with rain, because #sin.

    Only in the earlier narrative. In the later one, God saved seven of every clean animal and two of every unclean animal, even though God hadn’t given the law about which was which until a thousand or so years later.

    Thank goodness, the lions and tigers and bears and T-Rexes were sporting enough not to immediately eat all of the herbivores, but decided to go on a fast that lasted years so their prey could reproduce sufficiently to be sustainable. Who know T-Rexes were so ecologically responsible!

    • Me not sure

      But how did the kangaroos all get together and decide to swim to Australia?

      • They made a raft out of the crocodiles.

        If you’re looking for the YEC answer, it’s that the continents didn’t break up until after the flood, then they split apart, sprinted to their current locations, and stopped because God.

        • Me not sure

          So the vast majority of the marsupials of the world were anti-mammal bigots who said “fuck you guys” and sailed off on their own continent. Poor little opossums got lefted.

          • CriticalDragon1177

            They must have been self hating bigots than, because marsupials are mammals.

            Marsupial
            http://www.britannica.com/animal/marsupial

          • Me not sure

            Your name fits. OOPSIE!

          • Land Shark

            … and those mean platypuses wouldn’t let the poor opossums play in any marsupial games!

          • Me not sure

            As usual, when marsupials were handed out, the south got last pick. Why couldn’t we have gotten those nice koalas.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        Yeah and the penguin and polar bears somehow didn’t pass out and die in the tropical heat. Not to mention how did they fit the T-rex and all the other Dinosaurs on the Ark?

    • r m reddicks

      The modern Ham-ite narrative is that it was like two of every “kind” or some such and then somehow or another they speciated because god was in their cloacae or some such and Darwin dies because of #sin and some other stuff happened.

    • Stephanie Csizma

      According to the Ark Encounter website, Noah had about 7000 animals on the Ark, because he didn’t need representatives of each species, but of each “kind.”

      … No mention on how we got from one pair of dogs to “wolves, dingoes, coyotes, jackals, and domestic dogs”. I’m guessing the answer isn’t evolution.

      Ken, buddy, this is a stretch, even by your standards.

      https://arkencounter.com/animals/how-many/

  • Latverian Diplomat

    IIRC, some Creationists believe that the flood was so energy intensive, that the oceans were boiling hot. So, the Ark also needed an aquarium. Because, why not?

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Good point. A boiling hot global ocean would kill pretty much all of the Fish. In addition it would put tons of water vapor ( a greenhouse gas ) into our atmosphere, and heat up the planet, but of course climate change is also a lie according to people like Ham.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I did the math a while back, on how much energy would be released by condensing that much water out of the atmosphere (enthalpy of vaporization, 2257 kJ/kg.) Works out to all the energy the entire planet gets from the sun . . . over the course of a billion years. Oops.
      I love how these dipshits explain, rationalize, and bullshit, until they just can’t anymore, and THEN retreat behind “it’s a miracle”. Why the fuck bother?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        FWIW, they claim that some of the water came from deep in the earth, and some from the melting of the ice canopy that enclosed the atmosphere before the flood (itself a bizarre Rube Goldberg attempt to explain other weird shit in Genesis).

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          A transparent ice canopy… miles thick … and transparent in the IR, no less? The miracles just keep on coming. These dimwits believe in a Rube Godberg, who can’t be content with merely creating a simple fucking rainstorm.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I hope that at least one of the park’s song-and-dance numbers includes Noah’s saucy daughters getting him good and drunk and proceeding to sit on his dick. As God intended, obvs.

    • Belasaurius

      I think that was Lot and his daughters.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Ooops, that’s right. It should be the family friendly scene where Noah’s son Ham SODOMIZES him.

        https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%209:20-9:27&version=KJV

        • Belasaurius

          now you’re talkin’

          • elviouslyqueer

            I knew there was some sort of drunken incestuous shenanigans going on. As happens all the freaking time in Genesis.

        • Ham, eh?
          Doesn’t sound Kosher to me.

          • elviouslyqueer

            I’m sure there’s something Levitical about being porked by Ham. If you know what I mean, and I’m sure you do.

          • Msgr_Moment

            As long as his wife never went down on him.

      • beatbort

        And he had a “lot” of daughters, if you catch my drift….

      • Logic of Color

        It was, shortly after God murdered Lot’s wife for daring to glance at a massive fireworks display happening right behind her.

    • Rick Hill

      So…just a normal family experience in good old Ky?

  • CriticalDragon1177

    NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I wanted the stupid “Ark Park” to fail, and now its going to get to keep its stupid tax incentives, so it can stay open and propagandize our youth with its anti science lies!

    • Oblios_Cap

      It’ll still fail. The owners will just steal all the incentive money. Because they’re Good Christian Types.

      • CriticalDragon1177

        I hope you’re right

      • jmk

        This will inevitably happen, as they are clearly following the Gospel According to Hovind.

  • cousin itt

    Only a loving god would waterboard the entire freaking world.

  • arglebargle

    I’m thinking an “Epic of Gilgamesh” theme park is in order. Wonder if PA would foot the bill or if I need to move to Mesopotamia.

    • the_heckler

      Good luck trying to get your Babylonian and Assyrian workers to cooperate at your theme park.

      • Msgr_Moment

        It’ll be iraqi business getting them to cooperate.

        • The Wanderer

          Iran away from that pun.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          They’ll need Babel study every Sunday.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Ride the “Great Flood” waterslide!

  • DerrickWildcat

    Yay, I’m opening up, “Satan Land” right next to it.

    • bozilingus

      Don’t you mean “Santa Land”?

      • DerrickWildcat

        No. I do not mean that.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It’ll be a hell of a lot more fun.

  • The Wanderer

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Land_Experience

    My brother went to this pathetic exercise in separating rubes from their money (he’s diehard Southern Baptist) and he assured me that they do, in fact, have re-enactments of the Crucifixion.

    • clubseal

      My Bible themed restaurant will have appetizers listed on the menu as “cruci-fixins.”

      • Ricky Gay

        Hot Cross Buns?

        • clubseal

          Come in for happy hour – everything’s only 30 pieces of silver!

          • Ricky Gay

            Right next door to Trader Judas’

      • The Wanderer

        I often thought of opening a theme restaurant after I retire. It’d be called The Happy Terrorist, and the slogan would be “We wage JIHAD on your hunger!”

        • clubseal

          This has probably been used before, but you could direct the not-so-hungry to the “Allahu Snackbar.”

        • therblig

          can i get my eggs sunni-side up?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            If they’e undercooked, you’ll get the shiites.

      • timpundit

        Judas your cooking?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Try the stigmata dipping sauce!

        • clubseal

          The Sweet and Savior-y Chicken is to die for!

          • therblig

            with crown of corns on the side

      • pstockholm

        Gethsemane while they’re hot!

      • r m reddicks

        Can I have some vinegar with that?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I want to ride the Jesosaur again! Waaaaaah!!!’

      *SMACK* I’ll give you something to cry about! Jesus hates you right now. Better hope,you don’t die anytime soon.

  • Ricky Gay

    “their friends will pay sales tax on all the chicken-fried dickmeat steaks they order at the Cracker Barrel after a hot wet day of Arking,” – Truly great prose!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Once again proving that the entire modern Christianist movement is about grifting as much off the sweet teat of the tax payer as possible.

  • willi0000000

    . . . and Ham’s “Answers in Cheeses” will be even more popular.

    • Msgr_Moment

      That was a rye comment.

      • Oblios_Cap

        But not kosher.

        • smr06va

          What a pickle……….

          • Pickwicknext

            It’s a real dillly

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            Don’t be such a sour Kraut, Ruben. I’ll have ham n cheese on wonderbread and a glass of milk.

          • pstockholm

            Welcome to the Club.

          • r m reddicks

            Hey, you guys are kiddin’! I had a bronto burger or some such at the cretin museum once and it was good! (and apparently non-taxable so I think I seem some future fallacious and fellated reasoning by the “judge” when Ham on rye opens his motels and all inclusive Bibble get-a-ways.)

      • Thaumaturgist

        But there will be a lot of Munsters.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Cut the cheese and take and eat of me.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Do this in camemberance of me.

    • therblig

      suffer the little children unto brie

  • MrBlobfish

    Since the Ark story is Olde Testament, shouldn’t all the workers be Jewish?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I thought they had Mexicans back in them days too(?). Am I missing something??

    • therblig

      and slaves?

    • r m reddicks

      And drunk and incestuous. I guess 2 out 3 might pass muster; KY law wise. Dove won’t last long depending on the season the ark makes landfall.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Can….some people in Kentucky class action a lawsuit about being forced to spend their tax payer dollars (in the guise of incentives) on a fundamentalist religious thing?
    Any Catholics in the blue grass state wanna look into this?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      No. They want in on it. It’s called a taste.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        True story: A big battle of the prayer in school thing was fought by the Catholics in NYC who didn’t want their kids being taught out of the protestant bibble. Catholics, among all the denominations, are generally the most uppity about being forced to deal with the others

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Mother Church is the only known certain path to salvation. She doesn’t take a lot of guff from her errant daughters.

          • Querolous

            But will take her share of grift.

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            As Pauly Walnuts learned to his regret.

      • Stephanie Csizma

        Please don’t lump all of Kentucky in with these morons. Really, we’re not all like that. It’s just that we’ve all clumped in Louisville and Lexington, leaving the rest of the state to fend for itself.

        • lroom

          I’m in Alabama and my state does a lot of dumb ass crap too. No one here believes everyone in the state is like that they’re mostly picking fun at the elected representatives. It’s one of the reasons folks like me come here to vent the frustration

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Sorry, I thought I was slagging Catholics, not Kentuckians. Hell, you guys have all the best whiskey.

    • Ricky Gay

      Is there a Bundy available to invade and stand-off?

  • beatbort

    As I understand it, you need two members of each species on the Ark. I think you know where I’m going with this. Since it’s Ky., couldn’t we convince Kim Davis and her hubby Gomer Davis, to hop on board, you know, like permanently?

    • Suttree

      Do the commenting rules allow me to say that I hope they mix the pitch incorrectly?
      ETA: And land on a desert island so that we never hear from them again.

    • r m reddicks

      Trying to cause Hucksterbee a sad?

    • nssherlock

      Which hubby – she’s had lots and lots of them – all perfect unions between a man and a woman of course.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    All rise for the mandatory singing of our new natural anthem.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uOFu4FKTeks

    • Suttree

      I hate you with a passion! For the Christ!

    • the_heckler

      This hypnotic, trance-like, slow but repetitive song is in no way supposed to move people to a vulnerable, emotional state in order to give tithes.

    • r m reddicks

      I don’t be thinking any beejeebus I don’t know has any 7 minute patience for handwaver melancholy babbies.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Shhh. We’re trying to bring in the young uns.

  • calliecallie

    You know who else got the state to support his fantasy?

    • Pickwicknext

      Nero?

    • Lizzietish81

      JFK?

    • Suttree

      Oliver North?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Silvio Berlusconi?

    • borninatrailer

      Mr. Roarke via his local ombudsman?

    • the_heckler

      Kim Jong Un?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Dick Cheney? Thomas Friedman? Irving Kristol’s idiot son?

    • therblig

      Robert Moses?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Two of every animal and one human family? So in this Bible story every creature left on Earth goes extinct from inbreeding?

    • nssherlock

      Only the Duggars – and not nearly fast enough.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I’m thinking hard, wonderin’ if this explainz the Palins.

    • Lambsendbeds

      The humans were already massively inbred if you consider that everyone on Earth is supposedly directly descended from Adam and Eve.

  • smr06va

    Kim Davis for KY AiG Ark Clerk!!!!11!!1!!

    Marriage is only between one aardvark and one hippopotamus………….

    • CriticalDragon1177

      She’d probably fit right in there, since its one of the few places she could work where she wouldn’t be likely to come across too many gays.

    • So basically an imitation of her marriage.

  • spends2much

    Woohoo, I’ll bring the cake! (an oldie but a goodie)

  • TheGrandWaz00

    “Distant stars and galaxies might be millions of light-years away, but that doesn’t mean that it took millions of years for the light to get here, it just means it is really far away!”

    –Ken Ham, Answers in Genesis

    • PubOption

      I don’t c what he did there.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        God made the universe 6,000 years ago – with the starlight already on its way to Earth!*
        I shit you not … that’s Ham’s explanation.

        *Complete with redshifts, gravitational lensing, and the cosmic microwave background (just to make it all look old; kind of an antique patina that God’s really fond of.)

        • CriticalDragon1177

          Basically its just him desperate to explain away the obvious.

    • the_heckler

      Ken Ham wins science. Give the man a cookie.

      • Pickwicknext

        It’s the new currency!

    • therblig

      jesus made the kessel run in 12 parsecs

    • CriticalDragon1177

      And I think his explanation as to how that’s possible is equally stupid. I think was something along the lines of God created the light in transit so that the universe only appears to be millions of years old. Anyway, its billions not millions of years old, and God is a trickster now?

      • bobbert

        Loki.

  • borninatrailer

    “The park opens on July 7, and we would
    like to request that our best boss ever Editrix Rebecca Schoenkopf send
    us to it on a Wonkette field trip on or just after that date.
    PLEEEEEEEASE?”

    This really does need to happen.

  • PubOption
  • say wha

    In all fairness, once the oceans rise as the result of non-existent global warming, an ark might not be a bad investment after all.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Trump’s Ark will be the biggest, winningest Ark of them all, take that to the bank!

      • say wha

        It will be YYUUUUGGGGGEEEEE!!!!!

        • lroom

          And klassy!

      • JohnW

        And probably built by Messicans….who will also pay for it. Win-win!

    • BigBoppa

      Too bad this one is every bit as unseaworthy as the original mythical version.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    You mean to tell me this whole shebang is run by a bunch of old backsliding Baptists!?

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SHTrJWJFalc

  • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

    Wonkebago MUST GO to the Ark Encounter! It’s like Ned Flanders’ Praise Land.

    • BigBoppa

      Hopefully it will coincide with Derby weekend because I think Evan would look FABULOUS in one of those hats.

      And cuz mint juleps also, too.

    • Grokenstein

      Sounds more like Homerland. Specifically, Fort Adventure.
      “It smells funny in there.”
      “No it doesn’t!”
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j12edtewik0

  • Stephanie Csizma

    I feel the need to defend my beloved Kentucky (Which I am having to do more and more, lately, thanks to Bevin, who is a moron). First, to be clear, Louisville and Lexington and both VERY blue cities. And Louisville, while highly religious, is largely Catholic (The social justice flavor of Catholic. My church actually has a Social Justice Committee, and my priest is on the regional council for Refugee Support). Most people I know (Who are, admittedly, city folk) hate Bevin, are ticked at the state Dems for not putting forth someone charismatic and electable up for the election, and find the entire Ken Ham enterprise a disgrace. So, uh, #NotAllKentucky ?

    Third, Kentucky ALREADY has some *great* tourist spots – the state park system is amazing here, Mammoth Cave is a wonderful family excursion (With tons of tourist trap junk nearby – including a park that has life-size fiberglass dinosaurs, where everything is discussed in scientific timelines), Louisville has tons of cultural events, Lexington is an LGBTQ-friendly city with a huge bar scene, the state’s wine and distillery industry has been growing exponentially in recent years… investing in something related to those would be a much better use of tax dollars.

    Finally, this isn’t rural Kentucky – it’s near the Answers in Genesis museum, which is about 45 minutes south of Cincinnati. It’s basically just outside the Cincinnati suburbs. The ironic part to me about that location, is it’s near Big Bone Lick State Park (true name), which was a hot springs resort for the rich in the late 1800’s, and which has a huge amount of information about human-caused changes in animal populations from the Pleistocene through current day, including quite a bit about climate change.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Good to know. I am under constant pressure to find “family friendly” vacation spots in the Midwest.

      • Stephanie Csizma

        Both Mammoth Cave and Land between the Lakes are great for 2-4 day family vacation spots. Any of the State parks are good for a one or two day visit.

    • JustPixelz

      I call shenanigans! None of those tourist attractions a) mention Jesus, and b) get taxpayer money (except state parks). So how can they even exist?

    • thewitchqueen74

      Just wanted to say hello to a fellow sane Kentuckian :)

    • Jukesgrrl

      I hear ya, darlin. I live in Arizona and I have seen more bumper stickers here for Bernie Sanders than any other candidate. Doesn’t keep us off the Wonkette, though.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Don’t feel that bad. Many of us are from states that make us face palm, wince, and apologize on the regular.

      • Querolous

        Here in OR we have our own home inbred nut jobs but we really don’t appreciate NV/UT/AZ/ID sending us their Bundyites.

      • handyhippie65

        indiana here. we just tried another RFRA. or rather they did, seeing as how no one i voted for got elected last go round.

    • data_ninja

      Having been to Mammoth Caves as a kid, I will straight up testify that it is also a literal tourist trap. There were some spots that I (hazily) remember walking through, wondering “What if someone got stuck in here?”

    • bobbert

      So why did only 16% (or whatever it was) bother to vote for Governor?

  • brbr2424

    The ark park has been so scaled back that it is no bigger than the average mega-church. Without the roller coaster through the empty tomb, it sounds about as fun as going to church.I think guest will be going from one auditorium to another to watch films.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Please exit thru the Gift Shoppe.

      • therblig

        Grift Shoppe

    • Jukesgrrl

      Which means they need $18 million in tax incentives for WHAT?

      • Left Coast Tom

        Hookers and blow?

      • The malcontents who usually rant about “MY TAX DOLLARS” are awfully silent now, for some reason. Too busy cherry picking points from the Bible about who underfunded schools are “God’s will” or something. Oh well…

  • Bitter Scribe

    Religious discrimination in hiring doesn’t matter if a business generates revenue and pays taxes. Great. So if I put out a want ad saying “No Christians need apply,” as long as I pay my taxes, that’s hunky-dory, right?

    • BigBoppa

      Hahahahahaha. That’s funny. It’s like you actually THINK there’s something akin to equal protection under the law or something.

  • Riggsveda

    Isn’t there anyone in Kentucky with standing as a taxpayer who can appeal this bigoted decision???

    • guppy06

      American Pharaoh?

      • BigBoppa

        Colonel Sanders?

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Kim Davis? Never mind, I didn’t think that one through.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This is just so fucking wrong. Madison, Jefferson, Washington, and Franklin are revolving at near relativistic speeds in their graves.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    At least this should create lots of revenue for KY schools, right?
    Assuming they tax commercial space by the cubit.

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    So the creationist believe that god destroyed the world with a flood and that, if he needs to destroy it again, he will use fire? And the term “global warming” doesn’t mean anything to them?

    • Logic of Color

      I think it means “yay it’s finally happening” to them.

      • Jukesgrrl

        Sad to say, it does.

    • Thaumaturgist

      “Global warming” is just Jesus preparing the battlefield for Armagheddon. When’s the last time you looked at your Bible?

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        3rd grade when I lost my taste for mythology.

  • Relativicus

    Won’t SOMEBODY think of the worthy economic developments?!?

    • Jukesgrrl

      If I put a $100,000 kitchen in my house in Arizona, all the neighbors will come to see it. Does that count?

      • tinywriting

        Yes.

  • Forever state dollar allowed for this b.s., they should withhold a federal dollar.

    And of course, NO FEDERAL dollars for this sht.

  • Oh for the love of little green apples…

  • smr06va

    Are there any large bodies of water in the area? I mean, it is an ark…………

  • Upright Ape

    I’d love to drop *acid and go there wearing body cams disguised as crosses.
    *Do they even make that anymore? I miss Owsley Stanley. Shit, I’m old.

  • xy

    how Ken Ham is able to draw in oxygen to keep himself alive is always amazing to me. there is no way he can have enough brain power. i guess it’s proof that god does exist.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Ham started off in Australia, but (like flat-earther Alexander Dowie a century ago) he realized that the big Fundie bucks are in the USA!

      • Left Coast Tom

        I would have guessed that any country that could scrape dead yeast off the bottom of a beer fermentation tank, put it in a jar, and sell it as “vegemite”, could find enough local grifting targets.

        • handyhippie65

          is that really what vegamite is?!?!? that is some scary shit right there.

          • Left Coast Tom

            I was told this by someone from Perth, Australia…and Wikipedia seems to confirm, in the first paragraph/sentence.

            By the way, the person who told me this insisted that it was “mother’s milk”.

          • handyhippie65

            that’s one titty i wouldn’t want to suckle.

  • Kevin Morin

    Which of Noah’s children was assigned concierge of the Dinosaur deck and what was it they did to so piss Dad off?

  • Thepeoplevs.

    I bet there will be a booming prostitution trade…

  • Land Shark

    Jessica Ditto, a spokesman for the governor.

    Hedley Lamarr: “Ditto?” “Ditto,” you provincial putz?

  • TheBidenator

    Noah’s Ark- that’s the one about God giving the keys to his wooden cruiser to a drunk who then crashed it during a rain storm and killed a bunch of things on board? So, wingnuts buy THIS story but maintaine with bile-filled, purple faced rage that Ted Kennedy was a murderer? How do they know god wasn’t the one who sent him and Mary Jo out?

  • TheBidenator

    Is it too much to hope that this “Ark Park” or whatever the fuck it is fails as spectacularly as an Ayn Rand film at the box office and Kentucky winds up eating the money and lost property value for it? Also, Matt Bevin is just a bipedal Greg Abbott….

    • 451 Byrnes

      Primate Libelz!

    • malsperanza

      Come to think of it, isn’t it time Hollywood tried another film of The Fountainhead?

      Directed by Michael Bay. Of course, they’d have to change the architect guy into something more up-to-date, such as a private contractor for the CIA. But still, it’s bound to be a hit. Are Victoria Jackson and Mel Gibson available?

      • CriticalDragon1177

        Are you joking?

    • Zhu Bajie

      It next-door to Cincinnati, so you never know. Maybe they can get John Boehner to be a greeter, now that he’s retiring from Congress!

      • Brendan_M

        Yeah, there are several world-class bourbon distillers within miles…hiring Boehner would not be prudent.

  • Left Coast Tom

    “Bringing non-residents into Kentucky who
    will spend money on food, lodging, gas, and tourist attractions will
    increase revenues and benefit the state’s economy through jobs and
    spending,” Tatenhove wrote. “Such a purpose is plainly secular.”

    I am a non-resident of Kentucky. I have actually visited the Institute for Creation “Research”‘s “Creationism” “Museum”, “conveniently” located next to the Santee Swap Meet, in less than beautiful Santee, CA. But only because I was driving by anyway, knew it was there, and wanted the lols.

    There is no chance in hell that I will fly to Kentucky and visit this thing.

  • Zhu Bajie

    I’ll bet those all-Christian employees will be blessed with ultra-low wages, too. All for Jesus!

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Doc, I’m hearing voices that are telling me to kill everyone on earth that does not believe what I believe. What should I do? (Doc starts calling 911) What should I do Doc, Jesus keeps telling me this over an over again. (Oh! It’s religious piousness and we are not allowed to call that a threat or a mental disease).

    I am really fucking sick and tired of complete mental illness getting a pass as long as you say you are doing your fucking ridiculous insanity in the name of your invisible sky daddy. Well, let me correct that, not just any one of the thousands of non-existent sky daddies but for Jesus specifically.

    Fuck Religion. It needs to end and be turned into a Felony if practiced in public to people that do not believe your psychotic delusions.

    • Katie Curlee Hamblen

      SKY CAKE

  • Katie Curlee Hamblen

    lolz who the fuck is responsible for the graphic design on the noah meets the dinosaurs poster. what a masterpiece.

  • Jason

    Hey, that is good news. First I’ve heard of it. Thanks!

  • Hamm HAD to do this! The floating mask of Maude Flanders told him to.

  • “Bringing non-residents into Kentucky who will spend money on food, lodging, gas, and tourist attractions will increase revenues and benefit the state’s economy through jobs and spending,” Tatenhove wrote.

    So would a red-light district. Just saying is all.

    • tinywriting

      Marijuna! Abortion clinics!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Does Wonkette have an online petition submission system like the White House where we can sign a petition asking for Evan be sent to the Ark? I’d sign that.

    I mean, talk about pics or GTFO.

  • raptorjesus
  • GOPIDIOCY

    Where did he keep the fresh water Fish?

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