Secessionist Rick Perry Endorses Canadian Ted Cruz For President Of Who Even Knows Where

Someone tell him he can stop wearing his S-M-R-T glasses

Yee haw, hoo boy, and ... and ... oops, we forgot the third one. Ted Cruz, the moldy butter tart from Calgary, just received the coveted endorsement from a secession-sympathizing indicted ex-governor whose name is synonymous (still!) with LOL LIRL OMFG Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Hey, I'm Rick Perry.

Hey, gurl. 'Sup?

2016 is a critical election, and I'm here to stress to you how important it is for conservatives to rally together and support a consistent conservative candidate who will take on Washington, who can defeat the Democrat nominee. That's why I support Ted Cruz for president.

As an Air Force veteran, I understand the sacrifices that our men and women in the military make every day to keep us safe. They deserve a commander in chief who values their service, who will keep our military strong, who will always put America's national security interests first.

He has proven that he is ready to serve as our commander in chief on Day 1.

Nothing says "commander in chief" quite like threatening to "carpet bomb" a terrorist group and any other innocent Muslamic foreigners, who arenot from Canada, obvs, but who have the misfortune of living on or near the sand Cruz has promised to turn into a radioactive waste land. Tell us more, Rick Perry, about Cruz's great expertise and ability to lead on Day 1 after a whopping three whole years in the Senate. (Sort of like another untested, unvetted, inexperienced senator who became president one time, but it was all wrong when he did it, huh.)

He's also proven the willingness to take on the Washington cartel. To restore power and opportunity back to the people. He's proven that he'll do what is necessary to secure our borders, to defeat radical Islamic terrorism, and to ensure our brave veterans receive the care that they've earned.

[contextly_sidebar id="CeArsCeqBdTIjlQW8NvjnutFLBH6phXZ"]His willingness to take on the "Washington cartel" has been so effective, in fact, that literally every single one of his fellow Republicans -- except Rick Perry, apparently -- hates his fucking guts so hard, they're lining up with Donald Trump , just to let Ted know how much they hate him SO. HARD. Which means that if Cruzwereto win the nomination (not gonna happen) and hewereto win the general election (hahha, as if), he'd have a real heckuva time getting anything done at all, since he'd have to actually workwiththe Washington cartel to accomplish anything. Unless he'd just executive order his way through his one and only term. Last we'd heard, though, that was UNLEGAL, especially in Texas. 

Ted is the leader that we need to reignite the promise of America. That's why I'm supporting Ted Cruz and asking Iowa Republicans to caucus for Cruz next Monday, February the first.

Yes, Ted Cruz has enjoyed some Cruzmentum in Iowa, but it seems as if Iowa Republicans are already starting to Feel The Snooze , maybe because Donald Trump has done a great job of grinding Ted's foreign nuts into carpet-bombed sand. Or maybe because they still have great affection for Bob Dole and his Cruz-hating schlong.

But now that Rick Perry has politely asked Iowa Republicans to come together for the insufferable little shit from Canada, well, that is certain to make all the difference.